The Basement Yard - #254 - The Man Who Grew A Penis On His Arm

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Frank & Joe discuss a man's arm-penis because obviously. Also, Frank may just be the worst liar in the world. Find out why! Follow our Instagram: @TheBasementYard Support the show: Patreon.com/TheBasementYard Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to The Basement Yard. Frankie, how's it going? It's going. I hate when people say that. I hate it so much. It, uh, what do you want me to say? It's, it's, it's moving in the right direction as time does. A slow crawl that we can't stop because when we decide that we want to stop, it doesn't matter because time keeps going. Did you have that pre-planned?

No, no. What the fuck was that? That was the most depressing how you're doing ever. If I actually asked someone how they're doing and they told me that, I would just walk away. You know who's like that? We have a friend like that where, you know those people where it's like, how you doing? And you're expecting, they're just going to be like, oh, good. How about you? How you doing? Oh, you got the time? No, no, I don't. I don't want to fucking hear this.

Just wanted to walk past you. How you doing is completely like just courtesy. What's, what's going on? And everyone says nothing. Even when there's something going on, they say nothing and then explain something. Yeah. So it's not nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah. No, the people, the people that sit there and they're just like,

they're like ready to just throw it on you like a fucking hot blanket of piss. Well, yeah, I don't know if that's an expression, but we'll go with it. Also, I just want to let you know that about 20 minutes before you got here, I chugged a cup of coffee in record time. You're ready to poop. Dude, I am afraid to laugh right now because my butt's like, I feel like my butt's doing a double Dutch. All right. And they're like, we could let all this poop go.

Dude, you know, it's great. That's how I live every day. I also feel like the, you know how you have like a pouch? Yeah. Like above your penis. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I know where a pubic. The Mons pubis. Is that it? Your mom's? Mons. Oh, Mons. Mons. Mons pubis. I told you about your mom. I was like, I mean, it's your mom's pubis too. It's not. This is not my mom's. This is my mother of a bush. Does my mom have a bush? Yeah. Why would I know that?

It's a question. Yeah. I don't hope she's not watching this. And that's a weird question. Okay. Hey, Liz, you know, the pouch that's like above your dick when you sit, because you don't have a pouch when you're standing. I have a pouch always. Okay. No, this is Joey. Joey, what is, what is shirt is, you know, I knew this was coming. I don't have a pouch when I, I only have it when I sit. I'm not even flexing. You're fucking flexing. I'm a little twink now. You are. You are a twink, twink.

I lost all muscle. I probably can't do 15 push-ups. I think I did beat you in a push-up contest. No. Yes. We did it here. No. Yeah. And I came in second to Josh. I did one more than you. Oh, that's right. Damn it. Is that true? Yeah. Well, he's a strong boy. I am. Yeah. I'm just a twink now. I'm not strong. I've, there's twink, twink and twunk. I've heard there are a couple of different like versions. You're a twunk. I don't remember what I am. Is that like a drunk? I need to check in with my gay friends and see, you know, if they can let me know.

I think it's like a, a twink is like a hairless. It's a hairless. Skinny little. Yeah. No, I think the skinny is the twank. Okay. And then the twunk is a, it's a twinkie. It's a thunk. It's a thunk. I meant to say like it's a thick dude. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a work, a thunk, like a thick hunk. Yeah. I could see that because I'm mostly hairless. No, you're not. My, if you saw my ass cheek, no hair.

My ass hole. Different story. Very different. I have the same kind of thing going on. I have a picture of your asshole. If I'm being, what? Yeah. My hole. Yeah. Why do you have a picture of my ass hole? Doesn't everyone? You don't have a picture of my asshole. I'm pretty sure. I have a picture of your ass in Vegas. Oh yeah. You just, he was naked in my room and was just staring out the window. That was a good pick. Yeah. I did see some hair though.

Yeah. It's, it's like, yeah. How do I, they're like stalactites. You know what I mean? Like the deeper in a cave, you get the worse it gets. I'll be honest. I don't know what a stalactite is, but it sounds Star Wars-y. You know, they're in caves. They're like the, you know, like the, the, the spiky things on the rubes of caves. Like, isn't that how salt gets made or something? It might be. That's where salt comes from. Stikes? What's it called? No. Stalactite. Stalactite. That was close.

I hope you didn't like, in a, like inadvertently say like a very offensive word. What? Cause it sounds like dykes. Stikes? Yeah. Maybe. What would that be? I don't know. I don't know. And that's, we shouldn't touch that with a 12 foot pole. We did. But no, my pouch feels very full right now too. So, and it does, I don't think it's, like I think I got a lot of poop in my front. It's, it's on its way. I, I, I hear what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what it feels like. Like, just because of the way I'm sitting,

I'm kind of like hunched over. So my front pouch is just like full of like, are there certain foods that just like, like a fucking light speed travel go right through you? All, yeah. All of them. Really? Not all of them. Like sweet potato fries. I'm, I'm cool for whatever reason. It back, it's like hold the gates. Right. Veggie burgers. Yeah. My body's like, this is nice. That might be, that's weird though, because I think those are high in fiber, which we're not going to talk about again. I'm not going to get into fiber. Um, but like if I have, you know,

if I, if I drive by a McDonald's, I have to shit. Oh, just by like, just the smell or just the sight of the arches. Do you do like the, like, calm down, calm down. I just cold sweat, dude. Do you? I like, I have to like, if I'll have gum in my mouth, I have to like stop chewing my gum and I just like drive and I'm like, take it easy. Dude, having to take a shit when you're driving is the terribleest. It's like,

outside of the stroke you had, it's another terrifying. My butt just blew a kiss. Be careful. It just blew a kiss. It literally, literally it just blew a kiss and I'm scared. I'm, no, no, no, it's not fire. Um, but yeah, I don't know what's going on anymore. Cause then I'm scared. Just take it easy. Just like breathe deeply. My pouch is full. There's nowhere to go. Breathe from up here. You know, just breathe all up here. I don't think I can't. I don't think anyone can.

Just breathe from up here and you'll be perfectly fine. You'll make it through. I'm not, don't like, think about it. The more you think about it, it's like mind over matter. Like you're really not. There's actual shit. Accumulating is actual matter. There's actual matter, fecal matter. I think, I think if you just take it easy, you will be able to not, that's what you think. Yo, all honesty though, for the views, would you shit your pants right here, right now?

I'm not wearing underwear. So no, that would be, I'm also talking about abstract painting. I'm also, I'm wearing sweatshorts. What's a sweatshort? Are you from the sixties? What is wrong with you? Are you wearing shorts? They're shorts. Okay. So shorts, but they're sweat, sweats, sweat. They're made of sweat material, but they're shorts. Yeah. Sweatshorts. Swartz. Okay. Um, anyway, wanted to get to this because the other day, I wrote this down at four AM because I woke up and I,

I guess it was part of my dream or whatever. Okay. But usually when I have like a funny thought, I'm like, let me write that down and then bring it up on the podcast one day. But I wrote this down and I don't know what it means because I only usually write keywords and mind you, it's four AM. So I'm not really there. You're not worried too much about the actual like concept. Well, I, I do this anyway. Cause I'm like, oh, if I write keywords and I get my point, you know what I mean?

But I just wrote, okay. I wrote grandma porn. Uh-huh. Period. Bush. Period. That's all I wrote. No other context. No. You don't know what you could have been referencing. Well, clearly I was talking about grandmas, which can I, let me ask you a question. Go ahead. Have you ever, you know, watched a grandma, you know,

relive the younger days? No, no, I haven't. I can say I haven't. You've never seen a grandma porn? I've never seen grandma porn. Not ironically, not by funny, not by accident. I don't think so. I think all of the humorous porn that I watched back in the day was like appropriately, I want to say appropriately age because that's like ageism, but it was not like old women. I did. Oh, hold on. I did one time see a porno where it was like an old man doing another man. It was, it was,

it was a porno movie called Wild, Wild Sex. It was the porno parody of Wild, Wild West. Obviously. Was Will Smith there? No. And the main character was just like an old man with a cough. Yeah. That's dangerous. I actually was a little worried for him, but he, uh, from what we saw, the 25 minutes that we saw, no sex. Um, and he, but you watched a porno movie for 25 minutes and no one got nailed. Yeah. It was like a movie that also had porn. Like it was basically like a Tarantino movie, just with like less, like,

did you get to the sex or you turned it off? We turned it off. At that point we were like, we don't care this much. I mean, you put 25 minutes and I would have stuck around at least for a bloge. Yeah. I think, I think there was like some, like, you know, like foreplay, but again, the cough got in the way as it always does. His cough kept getting in the way of him. I think it was like, he was like getting ready and he was like, yeah. All right. What the fuck? Yeah.

Uh, so I'm watching Western porn videos out of purely out of, I'll be honest with you. I've seen grandma porn. I'll even go on record and say this. I have maybe enjoyed it once. You've, you've cranked, you've cranked the old soldier. I'm not out here. I'm not out here with the laugh. I see you're holding it in. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not out here like just, you know, taking in a bunch of grandma content,

but I've been down that path where it's like, I'm not supposed to be watching this. No. So, you know, I would love to see like a video of like, you know, Betsy Ross can, Oh, you want, I was going to say, I'm a Betty white, Betty white, not Betsy Ross, Betsy Ross. Oh, is she getting fucked while making the flag? Whatever she was doing? Was she like racist? She had to have been. It was back then. A lot of them were. Yeah, they were. Yeah. Yeah. She, she made a flag.

Congratulations. Good job on it. Yeah. I don't want to see her get fucked. Betty white. I mean, what's the difference? What if it's Betty white as, I was going to say Francis Scott Key. Now you got me thinking old revolutionary. He could be there. He might be. So Betty white as Betsy Ross. And then on the other side, you got Jack Nicholson. No, he's too like, I don't think he can even walk anymore. Yeah, he's, I'm talking like, let's say, who's the guy who was from Cheers

and he's got like a bow tie all the time. Ted Danson. Oh, I didn't say Pee Wee Herman. No. Ted Danson's too hot. You think so? I mean, you need an ugly, you need an ugly old guy. Just like, you know, I feel like Francis Scott Key wasn't like, you know, a fucking dope. True. He probably wasn't. All right. So let's go ugly old guy. Let's go fucking James Conn. Who's that? He was in.

What about Gary Busey? Perfect. Yeah. That is someone that I need to see have sex. That guy's mouth looks like a piano. His teeth are huge. Dude. I kid you not, like he could bite through any material on this planet. Yeah, that dude could chew his way out of jail. Yeah. Oh my God. Google Gary Busey and look at his fucking teeth. Hit and like he's he's always. I know, like it. Not not only does he have the mouth for it,

but he got the look for it too, because he looks like a homeless veteran. He does. He does look like he just got back. He's got a lot of stuff going on and no one's taken care. That's another one. Nick Nolte looks always drunk. I only think of him in that role in Tropic Thunder, like just all the way. Really? I think of him in Warrior. Oh, OK, where he was a drunk man. I mean, he's just drunk. So crush that.

We got Francis Scott Key, a.k.a. Gary Busey. Right. Just absolutely going to fucking town. Yeah. On Betty White as Betsy Ross. Right. What like are there like ramparts in the air and shooting off? What is a rampart? Is that fireworks? I think it must be. But I don't think they had fireworks back then. So they just threw powder in a fucking bucket and just like lit it off.

I got a Google rampart. And the rampart bursting in air. Right. I don't think that's the right lyric rampart. What is it? A defensive wall of a castle. That how did the ramparts? But how do they? How does it air? Ramparts now I need to remember the lyrics. I in my head, I said I wanted to ramparts red glare, but that's wrong.

You know what I'm saying? I'm singing in my my head to get to the rampart because I don't know it. And rampart bursting in air. I think that's what it is. Right. Ramparts were bursting in the air. You got to look it up now. Star Spang. The good old Sping Lee Spang.

This is Francis Scott Key. He wrote this. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm pretty sure. Imagine writing the ramp. The ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. Oh. We fucked that up mad hard. How did I do that? Yeah, I don't know.

The bombs were bursting in the air. Bombs were bursting in the air. Which that makes sense. But why were the ramparts gallantly streaming? Yeah, what does that even mean? Maybe they were just like moving along. But they are walls. Maybe they were movable walls.

Maybe Francis Scott Key is a fucking idiot. Idiot. Maybe that. Dumb idiot. We've been idolizing this person that wrote the song. It has no fucking clue what he's talking about. Francis Scott. I mean, I'm not, you know, I don't think anyone's idolizing him. Ah.

We're singing this song to this day. When was the last time you sang the Star Spangled Banner? Oh, you know, a bit of a while. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it has been a while. And it's been a while. Yeah. When was the last time you pledged of allegiance? That was actually not that long ago.

Why? Miles was learning from home. Like doing school from home. And you pledged. And like in order to get him in like the swing of things. You pledged. You pledged allegiance to the flag of the United States. It's American, yeah.

Right. And, you know, to the Republic. Well, for which it stands. Just one nation. One nation. Under. Under God. But let's take religion out of it, right? Because we don't know, we're more inclusive now.

Under a higher power. Under. Just under this guy. But yeah, so that one was more recent than the Star Spangled Banner. You know, I used to think heaven was clouds. That makes sense. I never really grew up a very religious kid, so.

Me neither. But I just like I like confirmed and everything. I know, well, you know, that doesn't. That's way more religious than me. It's not like a fraternity. I didn't rush, you know. Oh, what's your name pledge Michael. Mine was Nicholas, I think.

Really? Yeah, Nicholas. I got to pick a name in my Spanish class in Spanish. And it was Guillermo. Why did you say like that? That's how it's said. Guillermo. Guillermo.

Are you saying that fake? No. Guillermo. What name is that in English? I think it's William. Guillermo? Guill, Guill, Guillermo. Second part?

One more time? Guillermo. OK, cool. I feel like I'm doing fucking Rosetta Stone right now. Can you roll your Rs? That's not bad. Can you roll it in like a sentence, though? Say corre.

Corre? Yeah, all right, OK. Come on, bro. I got a tan a little bit. I was a little bit. OK, that was pretty good. Yeah. But back to that grandma bush.

Yeah, I don't know where the bush plays in, to be honest with you. I feel like. And I don't know what kind of dream I had. I must have been dreaming about, you know, like an old woman's bush. What's the most recent you've let your bush like really go? Like that I have?

Yeah. I don't really. I usually trim everything at the same time. Is that what's always in that fucking bathroom? You don't want to go in there. I have a bathroom that's just for shaving. I know. I know.

You would think that this fucking bathroom, like that there was a full on brawl in there. Not only is their hair everywhere, they're like the fucking like shower curtains on the floor. There's a box. Yeah, there's just like a box in the tub. There's hair everywhere. Everywhere.

Yeah, I'm not proud. But I am moving out. So now's not the time to clap. On bigger and better things. Oh, you're not going to clean that. Oh. Well, I'm going to, you know, try. What's the grossest thing you've done in that bathroom?

That, I mean, what do you think I'm doing in there? It's like wiping shit in the walls or something. What do you think? I'm a second grader who just shits on the ground? No, but it's happened. I've never shit on the ground. Not in there? In ever.

You've shit on the ground by accident? Yeah, like on purpose. When? You don't realize there have been times where I've stood up and I thought everything was squared away and it wasn't. And I made a mess. Made an oopsie. You made a, wait, you shit on the floor?

Accident? Of a bathroom? No, of a fucking plane. Yeah. That's it? Did you ever shit yourself on a plane? No. OK.

Very close. No, so wait. You, how old are you? You know. It was within five years, wasn't it? No, no, no, no. It was long. I would say like eight, nine years ago.

Way too old. 20 years old. So you were 20 years old. It was accidental. Again, it's not like I was like. I'm not saying you're over here per poop. And I'm saying you were taking a shit. You were taking a shit.

Yeah. And you thought, hey, we're finished here. We're done. Just like you've been shitting your whole life. Yeah. 20 years of shitting at this point. At that point. And then you misread it, got up, and there was still poop.

Listen, I'm not excited. What'd you do? What'd you do? Cleaned it up. Sanitized the fuck out of it. Well, it was your bathroom. Of course it was. What do you mean, of course?

You could be shitting in public. Yeah, no. If it was in public, it's staying there. Yeah, it's got to stay. I'm not picking that up. Do you ever walk into a bathroom and there's a whole pile of shit on the floor? How does that happen?

Just careless. People don't make it. They don't make the extra couple feet. But you're two feet. That's a lot. Two feet in hindsight? It's a big chunk of change. I know, but like.

That's a big. That is a big distance. If you don't make it all the way. I want to make a sexist comment. Do it. I think if you run the numbers, women shit in stores more, like in the aisles. Because all the videos you see when

there's those random videos of people just like taking like a hidden shit and they just kind of like let it fly, it's mostly women. I don't know what websites you've been to. Not just. I don't go to shit. Don't fuck around. You know, aisle five of poop tiles.

That's too specific. That's too specific to not be real. I'm just saying. It's not that. No, but you've never seen those random viral videos of a woman and she's like shopping for like and she's pretending to like, oh, this shirt's nice. And then she's like, just like, does this with her pants

and a fucking whole poop comes in? No, I've never seen this. Yeah. I don't want to. You do. But I have to. Yeah. It's not like now I need to.

Legit poop. And they don't they don't like take their pants off and like take a shit. They just like shit themselves and wiggle it out. Everyone's expecting it to be the men. Everyone's expecting the men to be over there just fucking dumping aisles. And no, I think it's the women.

I think they're doing it more. I don't think because remember I worked at Target, if you remember. I don't think I ever found like gross like women poop. You found man poop? Oh, yeah. I mean, I. Oh, I felt you know, you found the mega shit.

I found bear poop, I think. Yeah, no. Yeah, those three bears. Yeah. But like that, you know, I know like the common like tale is that like women's bathrooms are notoriously more gross than men's. I will confirm that.

Remember when we were younger and people would say that girl's bathroom is like, oh my god, there's a couch in there. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah, I always. We just got pissed. Yeah, I always wanted to.

And you know, fuck boy bathrooms. Let me tell you something real quick. Because remember how like we would go and it was always those urinals that went straight to the ground and there was no privacy. Yeah. Fucking little Richie was looking at my dick, you know, when I was in like third grade and shit like that.

Like that's not cool. Yeah, wait, you're talking about urinals, but urinals are just like that. No, but like some urinals come out and like they give you a little bit of privacy. Oh, they give you a, they hug you. This is just like a fucking like someone put like a spoon in the wall and just dug out a urinal.

Yeah, the ones in our, you know, the fucking bathrooms in our like elementary school were soaking wet. Disgusting. Always wet. But we also did throw everything. Yeah. Yeah. We went in there, it's true growing up like bathroom time

was like you would hang with your buddies. And it was also like, yo, let's wet every piece of toilet paper in here and throw it against the ceiling. I never did this, but I did that. I'm saying I did that, but I'm saying I never did this. I knew someone in like middle school that would go into the bathrooms and piss on the toilet paper. Evil son of a bitch.

That's an act of war. That is an act of fucking war. That's a felony. Maybe, I hope. I said a definitive statement and just added a fucking. Isn't it felony? I have no idea. Like, could you imagine just like,

if you piss in someone's soup, I think you go to jail. Well, I think so because it's like biological warfare. No, it's sterile. You could drink piss. Yeah, but I don't want to drink your piss. I know that. So I'm just saying like, I think you can get in trouble. I think so.

Like if you came up with someone's food, I almost got in trouble for that in college. Not pissing. No. Shitting? No. We put a- You bled on it.

No, I didn't do this stuff. Oh, it happened to you. No. Listen to me. You said you. I almost got in trouble with tampering with someone's food because I put laxatives in someone's milk. Why?

Got them. Prank? Got them. Pranked them. Pranked them. Ashton. So you punked someone? Did they shit up their whole-

They had a rough night. I will confirm that, yeah. I would love a laxative. No. No, you wouldn't. No? Have you ever gotten a colonoscopy? I'm 28.

So the answer is no. No. OK. I'm nearing colonoscopy. I mean, you should. Yeah, I'm going to soon. I got two. Woo.

You're stoked? No. You got to drink like white. Well, it depends. Like the two times I've done it, and I'm having like fucking flashbacks, the two times I've done it, I drank two different liquids. But it's like, you didn't know your body

can exert that much force. Yo, I kid you not. I almost fell off of the toilet. Why, because you were peeing so hard? Dude, it was fucking, it was all faithful out of my fucking sphincter. Let me tell you, that toilet bowl turned into a, like, if there was a fire in there,

that thing was getting put out in second. That's disgusting, too. And like, it's fucking- And it's like clear, right? See, the two times, the first time I did it, it was like neon yellow. It was like green, like neon yellow green, like some shit like this fake fucking greenery

you have behind me. This kid makes $80 million, and he can't even buy real fucking greenery. Which kid? Which kid are you talking about? But, yeah, dude, my body turned into a fucking hose. Did it feel, was it like, a relief? Because sometimes when I have diarrhea, I'm like,

I'm OK with this. No, no, no, no. It was like, it was like, my stomach was just gurgling. And like, you don't really, like, every, it's like, it's like playing minesweeper. Every fucking thing that you do, you think is gonna either kill you, or like, you're fine. And I remember I'm just sitting there,

and it's like gurgling, and I'm like, oh, this might just be gas. And I'm like, you know, just like, expecting just like gas. And then, literally, the whole fucking Oregon Trail came with it. And it was the whole Oregon Trail. It was fucking awful. Awful, awful, awful.

And you got it, you can't eat, or like, and you can only drink certain liquids for like, a whole day. Jesus, dude, I'm not looking forward to that. You gotta get it done. You gotta check that asshole. How did we get to colonoscopies? Long road. And then they put a camera in you, right?

Yeah. Well, you know what's crazy? How was that? Was it cold? I was asleep. They put you to sleep. Oh, damn. I don't want to be awake for that.

I know, but. Have you ever had a doctor put the finger in your ass? I don't think so. Very uncomfortable. I don't even like when doctors grab my balls. Well, they're grabbing yours? Well, not like, you know. They're supposed to just look at him and give him a fucking.

No, I mean, they gotta touch him. He's not like, grabbing them and massaging them. The worst. And I know how women feel now. This fucking doctor just straight up one time, just like fucking stuck his fingers in my ball sack and was like, cough, to like, check for a hernia. Oh, yeah, they got a finger in your nut.

They finger it, like, inside your nut. Yeah, yeah. Damn, that's sensitive stuff. Yeah. But like, he moved the nuts out of the way. He fucking got him out the way. But he, like, he's fucking batting him out the way. Did you shave your balls?

So I got a. Do you have hairy nuts? Yeah, and I can't shave them. So it's like, the hair that's there has been there since, like, 2000. I don't really have hairy balls. Like, it's not that they're just, like, you know, clean. It's just that they have, you know.

They're, yeah, they're pretty hairy. Because you can't, you can't, like, shave them. So, like, what do you do with my. You got to stretch it way for thin. Oh, good on you. Because any time I've ever tried to, I had, like, the, remember the microtouch? No.

It was like a little shaver thing. But I had that way back. And I used to clip my balls fucking clipped. Yeah, I used to clip my balls all the time. And, you know, when you clip your balls, it bleeds for a fortnight. Yeah. Forever.

A whole fortnight. What is a fortnight? Two weeks? I think it's 20 days. Something like that. But I got a fucking physical done in high school. And I had shaved a landing strip from, from here all the way down to my dick.

And then you went to the doctor. And he, like, looked at me. And I was like, yeah. So he had to check your balls. And he saw. Was this when he fingered your balls? Like, he was just looking at me. I mean, these guys were doing everything to my balls.

Yeah, yeah. Everything that could happen to a balls happened. Yeah. Yeses. I don't know why I just came to my head, but. So you had a landing strip when this doctor looked at your balls? Yeah.

And it was like, I was in like, I was like 18. So like, it really wasn't a great landing strip. So it was like 13 hairs that looked like they went in the same direction. And that was a landing strip. That guy must have thought you were a fucking asshole. Geek. Such a geek.

Yeah. 100%. But you got to do it. On that? No, let's get to these ads. Yeah. What a transition. It's a nice laptop.

If you're ever looking to get someone a new one. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Well, you could get a new one with that. It doesn't work after this one in the head. It's closed. It's closed. But.

What? If you want to get new clothes. Yeah. Well, I just ripped my pants. Frankie did. He has a giant hole in the cock of his pants. Can I show him? Yeah, go ahead.

Just don't whip out one of those nuts. Yeah. One of those hairy balls. I don't know if I can make it out of here, though. It's a tight squeeze. This is. I am afraid of. It's ripping more.

You're sh- you're. It's there. Oh, man. See, we don't lie. There's a big old hole there. Biggie. Yeah. Let's get to these ads, though.

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Good friends, good friends of the show. Good friends of the show, great friends of the show. Great, great. All right, before we go any further, I need to talk to you about something I saw the other day. Yeah, so you told me what... You told me you had something for me. I had, I told him the...

You said, don't fucking read this, quote unquote. I sent him a picture because this is a very real thing that's happening. But basically, the New York Post put out this article and it says, man who lost penis due to blood infection has no one built on his arm. Now, a lot of questions off the bat. Go ahead.

Well, like, why his arm? I think it's because you got, you know, you can... I don't know. Like, but like, that doesn't make... Well, it's just built from his arm. It's not built on his arm? Well, it is. Oh, so then...

Well, I'm gonna get there. I'll answer that. Can anything be a penis? Skin. Anything. You can make a penis out of... Yeah, yeah. It's kind of cool.

Good for us. On you, like... Just like extra skin. So like... But you can't probably make a penis out of your forehead because there's not enough skin. But like, if I lose weight, a lot of it. You can make dicks forever.

Just make like, couple dicks on my stomach. Hell yeah. Okay, I like that. You can probably make a thousand dicks. Careful. Not like... Okay, just get easy. Jesus, I know, I know, Joey, I know.

I need to be a certain quota to be on this show. Listen. You got a pouch. I could make a couple dicks. All right, so this guy, when you read the headline... Don't fucking skip over that! I meant to say I have a pouch because it's filled right now. But you didn't.

You said it about me. I hope you shit your pants right now. I swear to God. We're seconds away from that being a reality. I cannot wait. Yeah, you can. Because you're gonna have to stay in this room with all the people.

I will take it. All right, but anyway. When you read something like that, you have to take it with a grain of salt. Because it is a New York post and they're infamous for having just not really the best journalism. A little bit of yellow journalism on their part. Yeah, not familiar with the term,

but I'm assuming it has something to do with piss. It's real. Might, don't know. Okay, but no. The headline is what it is. All right, so it's a British dude. His penis fell off due to a severe blood infection. All right, so he had a thing.

I mean, he had... RIPP, you know what I mean? RIPPPP. All right. Wait, RIPPPP. RIPP. RIPPPP. No, wait.

RIPPPP. Okay. That's three, no? RIPP. P. Rest in pee penis. No. Rest in peace.

No, his pee pee. RIPPP. Can't figure this out. Let's just do RIPD. Except dick, that movie, that was a movie. RIPD? Yeah. I don't know.

NYPD. Don't do it. RIPPPP. No, all right, so anyway, so he had an infection. He had a, you know, a blood infection, which is like unfortunate, but, and listen. All right, so this is a quote. It starts off.

Say a British. I can't. You have to. But I can't. I can't do a British accent. Okay. I'm just gonna read it. When I saw my penis go black, I was beside myself.

It was like a horror film. I was in complete panic, rightfully so. I knew deep down it was gone, and I was gonna lose it. So his dick turned black. A lot of people would pay a pretty penny for that to happen. Yeah. People take pills for that to happen. But his turned actually like.

Like not like a, not like caramel mocha black. No, we're talking about frostbite black. Like Count Orlock black. We're talking about Mr. Deeds' foot black. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, rough looking. Yeah, so he said he was, okay. Oh God. This is all the article.

He said he was completely gutted when his penis just dropped off onto the floor. Stop. Are you fucking kidding me? In 2014. So this guy's just standing there one day and just watched his dick just fall off his body. I don't know how that happens.

I'll tell you something. I had a bad skin tab right here. You remember that? Tag, go ahead. Tab, scag. It's a tag. Scag. Isn't that like a hooker on like a pirate ship?

Isn't that like a scag? It might be. I had a bad one. You remember the bad one I had? Okay. I like tied floss around it for like a week and a half and it just fell off. Like this guy's penis.

Is that what happened? Oh, I don't think he tied anything. I think it's just, you know. Oh, you know, it's some, a silver lining here. But his testicles remained intact. Obviously. Okay, good. Good balls holding strong.

The important part. Right. Is he just shooting come out of a fucking hole in his body now? That's not in it. But it goes, it goes, whatever. So this is all in a row. I'm not even jumping around.

Because I had been through the devastation of knowing I was going to lose it. I just picked it up and put it in the bin. So this guy's dick just falls off his body and he just throws it in the trash like he dropped a hot dog by accident. He was pretty, he, you know what though? That's a level of acceptance and self-actualization

that I hope I get to one day. Like I am so okay with my dick falling off and I'm just like, yep. Fucking, did he, you think he cobbied it into the fucking trash can? My dick's all. He shot that shit. Moving forward.

Oh, there's more. Oh, there's tons. How big was the stick? Well, we're going to find out. But here we go. I went to the, by the way, these are quotes. These are his quotes now. I went to the hospital and they said

the best they could do for me was to roll the remaining stump up like a little sausage roll. It was heartbreaking. That's what he said. Dude, he on top, look at how he's talking about his no longer there dick. He.

Dude, imagine the hospital saying all we can do is roll it. And when. How do you roll a dick? He had like a bamboo mat and they like fucking it was some fucking like sushi or sashimi. They just fucking rolled that bitch up. How do you roll that?

I think like maybe like you, like, all right, follow me here. You put a stick and you like get the roll started and then you just turn it real tight. So it like just like goes back. And then like an umbilical cord, you like twist it. I have no idea what you just tried to say. You know what I'm talking about.

No, I don't. You know how like with umbilical cords on babies, they like. Let me stop you. Nope. Okay. You say, I think what they do is they like turn it a bunch and then just like twist it

and like clip it. Okay. I think that what they did to his dick. I don't think so. Did you hear the way I said that? I think that way. They did. The guy's name, uh, McDonald.

Obviously. He said that he became a recluse and began, he began, he was losing it. He was drinking heavily actually. Well, no shit. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I'm drinking a lot of, I'm an alcoholic. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

You know, there's issues now. And listen, it's very sad. I love how he spoke about it. They had to roll the little thing up, like a little sausage, a sausage roll. So here's where the part where it's just like, okay. And this is, this is why, like the story's not funny. Like obviously if this guy had a problem at it,

you know, whatever, his dick falling off though, come on, not that common, kind of funny. And now this part is where it gets funny. This is literally the next. It's not the funny part. Frankie, no. But then he found out from his doctor about the so-called penis master.

This is in a news article. Who, wait, hold on. Professor, professor? David Ralph. Duh. Of London's University College Hospital. Listen to me. David Ralph.

If I knew that going to med school would get me labeled penis master. The penis master? There's no fucking, I am beside myself that I didn't do that. First of all, name David Ralph, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Two first names, that's a fucking given. The guy apparently he famously created

a bionic penis for someone. That's not even fair. We need to see this. I need to see a bionic, huh? I'm gonna look that up as you keep reading. Okay, cool. It gave me a glimmer of hope that I could go back to being a normal bloke.

British. Yeah, I'm on that. British. That's the obvious part. But they performed like an arm graph procedure which would take up to two years. Fortunately, he received the funding for the procedure because it would eventually allow him to urinate properly,

not just perform sexually. But then something happened. Now I gotta skip ahead. Oh man, it's just. 2015, man receives world's first bionic penis and he had sex for the first time two years later. Someone got. Took that long?

Yeah, that's probably crazy. I need to see this damn thing. Also, I wanted to be noted that this man added two extra inches onto his $65,000 dick. Yo, what? That's not his penis. Let me see it. That's sharp.

Can I see it? This is what came up for bionic penis. If that's his penis, that's gonna hurt someone. I mean, listen, let's be honest. Dude, that's a huge whatever. That's something dangerous. Penises have hurt a lot of people. Those look like big icicles.

Yeah, these look, they look like they're hard. I think you put skin around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, here's the thing. You put the skin over it and then there's a pump so you can pump it up to make it hard. What? Yeah.

That doesn't. What? Yeah, dude. Anyway, back to McDonald's. Oh, there's like a metal rod in this guy's cock. Damn. Flaccid cylinder, erect cylinder. All right, listen.

So this guy requested two extra inches on his $65,000 dick. Here's another quote. They were happy to listen to what I wanted it to be like, which was amazing. Not many can say they have a designer penis. True. Hold on, yeah, that's a good point. He has a custom cod.

So this guy basically just rewrote the history books. He gets his dick to be as long as he wants it to be. Yeah. We're all fucked. This guy's doing it right. So he now awaits for it to be finally transferred to its proper location. Answering the question of yes,

it is literally on his arm right here. Oh, so it's not there forever? No, but it's there now. It's like growing like a wart and then they're gonna fucking ship it to Timbuktu. Yes, Timbuktu, meaning his pube. B-B-B-B. I don't know what the fuck that,

those mad bees, by the way. But he, yeah, so he hasn't had it removed. He said, when I saw it on my arm for the first time, I was so, so proud. So this guy, all right. Is he nicknamed Jimmy? Of course. He goes, that's what me and my mates

called each other growing up and this penis was definitely my new mate. Well, yeah. I mean, he lost his old one. RIP, Jimmy won. Jimmy won, yeah, it's Jimmy 2.0. Yo, did he, I need to know how he jerks off. I need to.

Like, do you think he's just like, like he's just like fucking full on cock in it? Oh, you think he's going out like that? I would. I'd go out like this. You'd go up and down? I'd go out like this. Well, like you're doing heroin?

Yeah. Oh, dude, it would be like doing heroin. You'd put like a tie around it. Don't people like tie their nuts? Maybe, I'm not sure about tying their nuts. No, I think people like tied their whole dick in balls to like make like the more blood. Oh, it's news to me.

Cockerings. Cockerings, yeah, but that's, you don't put it around your balls, you put it around your dick. Some people do balls. Do they? Yeah, yeah. What are they using?

A fucking silly band? No, they use like one of those thick rubber bands. Like you would hold like a whole book report in. Like for fucking like installing a toilet? Yeah, like that. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, he was supposed to get the dick off his arm,

but you know, coronavirus and they got canceled, a whole bunch. Damn. So he's walking around with a dick on his arm. Can I please see this dick on his arm? So I just want, for a guy who's claiming to be happy, he doesn't look that happy. I mean, dude,

this guy looks miserable. Oh, look at that dick just flopping over. You see that dick? Why is he, God almighty, I hope he only wears long sleeves. Why is he, he's holding it out, like he's a waiter at a restaurant with like, he's about to serve them wine,

but it's his fucking dick. Why is he doing that? Does it get hard when he's like working out? He's like some of the Pinot Noir. Yeah. When he's doing like curls, do you think it like gets hard? Cause it doesn't like,

I mean, how sensitive is that thing? You know what I mean? It's gotta be, you know. I could only imagine driving. Can you imagine if he like is like fucking driving and needs to make like a big turn and he just fucking. Is his dick flopping?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's smacking himself in the face of his dick. Also, he said he added two inches to his previous dick. I mean, if this thing fell off, I mean, we also need to know where it fell off. I mean, it's blurred, so we can't really see it, but that looks like a fat penis.

It looks more, listen, if I was gonna make my ideal dick though, it wouldn't look like that. That doesn't look, that looks more like, you know, fucking sad than anything else. I mean, the whole thing is sad. I mean, I feel bad.

I feel like the situation is sad, but like the entire. Dude, your dick just turns black and falls off? That doesn't happen out of nowhere. Like that's a while. Well, he was dealing with it. Listen, but blood work runs everywhere. I need to know the science behind this.

Why did it pick his dick? That's a mean virus. What happened? Life's unfair. It's a dick targeting virus. It sounds like it, like the word they used was like perineum. Perineum.

That one. Yeah, I know a lot about the perineum. That's where my asshole is. My new one. Remember where I had that? Let's dive in. No, don't trust me. No, I'm not, I mean, I'm not gonna dive in.

Well, remember I had that big infection. And it was like a softball in my perineum. Where's your perineum? That's the gooch, the bonch. Oh, okay. The in between, you know, the space in between the balls and the ash. You know what I'm talking about.

Oh man. Easy street, you know? Oh yeah, not really easy. It's a pretty tough block. It's a tough block to go down. It's a tough block. But okay, yeah, so we had a blood infection there. That sucks.

I know that. That I get. Must have been so painful. Dude, when I had my infection. I just can't wrap my head around a dick sliding off your body. How does that, what does that look like? I think it's more like a, it like snapped off.

It was probably more like it was like peanut brittle. Just like you, you're like cracked off, you know? You know how fucking dead something needs to be to have that happen? Have you ever had like, like a, like think of like leaves when they die and they just like fucking. Yeah. That's what it was.

His dick was just a dead leaf. I'm thinking of like a scab. How a scab just, you know, one day you look at it and it's like, well, it's gone. Yeah, yeah, maybe. You know, or like you like, I don't know. I need to know where he got this dick infection from. Was it one of those bugs that swim up his dick?

I won't pee in the forest cause of that. Not the forest. Or just anywhere. It's like the ocean. Don't pee in the ocean. Oh, I don't pee in the ocean cause of sharks. I feel like they can like sense my warmth or they could smell piss.

Where are you getting this from? You don't think sharks could smell piss? They could smell blood. Yeah, but I think their body is there cause they're going to eat something that's bleeding. They're not trying to eat something that's pissing. But they could, they know like there's something over there or we could go check it out.

Maybe not with piss, with blood probably cause they could smell it. Right, but, but piss has a scent. More so than blood. Yes, I could smell piss. But piss is, I would say like piss is more water than it is piss, you know? So it like, it like loses itself.

And there's enough piss in the fucking ocean. Let me ask you a question. Go ahead. We get two cups of water. Yep. I piss in one. Yep. I bleed in one.

Yes. Because we're in an, we're in an environment that is not normally filled with piss and water. Now, if you put this entire room filled with water and then you dropped a cup of piss over there, if I'm over here, I ain't smelling that shit. You're not smelling either of them, you idiot. Well, cause it's underwater.

But if I, all right. If I got a straw, got it. If I got a straw on this side of the room and I'm sucking up some woody over here and you're fucking dropping a cup of piss over there, it's not getting to me for a while. What does that have to do with anything? You look like I did my hair.

Yeah. That's the same thing. Because piss and water is not as strong as blood and water. I'll be honest with you. That was a very long thing. And I don't even think you made a point. I don't. I don't even think any of that went anywhere.

Piss in water is not as obvious as blood and water. Okay. Regardless, I'm afraid. I won't come in the water. All I'm letting you know is that your fear is absolutely fucking stupid. What's your favorite bodily fluid? Piss, shit, blood, cum.

What else does your body make? Saliva. Saliva. Tears. Tears, the eye crumbs in the morning. Okay, we need to write these down. No, I got them. Okay.

Right here. You're gonna forget them. That's it, right? All right, number one, gotta be tears. Because you enjoy them? I enjoy, like after, you don't feel like after you fry. I don't think, like, not to ingest. Oh, I like, I like the taste of tears.

They're like salty. Yeah, yeah, okay, but. I would say tears are one. We're not talking about like on a menu. We're just saying like in general, like what's your favorite one? Last one is gotta be shit. Yeah.

Hands down, like God punished us with shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, that was not fair. Never, never has anyone been like, oh, it's okay, shit, guys. Yeah, it's not. Never, never, ever. Even like piss you can drink every now and then.

Can't eat shit. You can't. I'll be honest though, the other day, and I tweeted this, I. You need to go quick. I stepped in shit barefoot. Yeah. And I didn't hate it.

Yeah, I've done that before. It feels good. It does. It's poop? Don't like it. Oh, gross, but. But warm and squishy. It's nice.

So like I stepped in it, I was playing a sport at like my brother's, my sister-in-law's aunt's house. Irrelevant to the story. I almost had a nosebleed explaining that. So we were playing like this tennis game or whatever, and then I fucking stepped back on a pile of shit. And I stepped in it and I was like,

ew, but the first reaction was pretty dope. Yeah, it's not bad. The worst is when it's like not, like it's like hard and you step on it and you're like, god damn it. Yeah, hard shit's not cool. White shit, what is this? That's not in a long time.

It's like an old, like a unicorn shit. So, all right, tears. I guess tears come blood. Ew, saliva. Blood's downstairs for me. Really? Yeah, I don't mind blood. I fucking hate blood.

I don't mind blood. I don't like blood. I understand why it freaks people out. It doesn't freak me out, like I'm not gonna faint or anything, but like, ew, blood. I heard a story recently that someone was bleeding and they just like threw up when they saw it.

Like that's the thing that people do. I watched the kid pass out because, so like Eric's mom works in a hospital and she had us go in and pretend to act like stab victims and whatever. So we had makeup on us. It was like for the students, the nurses or whatever. And I was a stab victim.

So I had like a bloody thing and my shirt was ripped and I had to act like I was panicked and like, cause that's how they are when people get stabbed. One kid who was there got like a head injury. So when they were putting the fake blood on him, it ran down his face and he fucking just went like this. He was like, and just fell onto the ground. It was a cruise gnarly.

Yeah, have you ever seen like something like outside of that, like people passing out is fucking creepy. I love it though. It's, dude, if you go on YouTube and you type in fainting compilation, amazing. There's a whole channel on Peacock of just like fails. What's Peacock? It's the NBC streaming service.

There's a whole channel that just runs nonstop of fails and there's a bunch of fainting. I love when people faint. It's scary. It's scary. Remember when Wendy Williams fainted? She was like, she went out. Dude, she's so scared.

Just go down. She said she had a heat stroke or something like that. I don't know, man. Yeah. She was just like, yeah, I see. Yeah, dude, she went out. She went out. Have you ever seen people like come back to after fainting?

They're like, oh, I remember in college, we, one of our sweet mates choked out the other one of the sweet mates and- On Perp? Yeah. For fun? Yeah. Oh, cool.

I have the video on my computer, but he was like clapping and then all of a sudden he's just like. That's terrifying. Yeah. And then he woke up and he's like, he's just like fucking eyes bugged out and shit. Dude, that's- Yeah, Greg, if you're watching, you're definitely not.

He's not. Definitely not. He's the one that taught me about dense nugs. Weed? Weed cigarettes. Reefers cigarettes? The whole of them. What?

I don't know. The whole of them? The whole of them. So going back, all right, you rank them. Who's at the bottom? Shit. Ah, shit. Shit, blood.

And then bloody shit. Bloody shit's way down there. Yeah, that's in the dungeon. I don't mind piss. Yeah, piss doesn't bother me. Like how much to have a person piss on your foot? You can do it for free. Literally, two hundred bucks, piss on my foot.

Unless you're going to get some sort of sexual arousal, then I'll end them up. But I wouldn't let someone shit on my foot. Yeah, piss has been desensitized to me. We have, with miles at home, like fucking piss. Well, he just pisses everywhere? No, but there have been times where he's woken up because he's peed the bed, and it's just whatever.

Yeah, yeah. You just lay back in it. It's not a big deal. You just put him back in a piss bed? No, not him. Wait, you get in it? No. It's like I'm just saying, it's not a big deal.

Oh, yeah, no, I mean, people pee. There was, I don't know if I ever told you this story. When we were kids, we had a big sleepover at your house, and someone pissed the bed, and I got blamed for it, and I did not do it. I don't remember this at all. Yep. Yep.

It was me, you, all our friends used to sleep over. Yeah, it was me, you, Keith, and then two of our classmates in the same bed. We fell asleep watching TV or something. And big piss woked up. It must have tagged all of us. Woke up, big piss. Big piss.

And I got blamed for it. Why'd you get blamed for it? I don't know. I got blamed for it, though. They were all like, Frankie pissed. I was like, what the fuck? How old were we? I think it must have been like second or third grade.

Damn, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just took the fall. I just, you know, sometimes you got to wear that scarlet A on your chest, you know? Yeah, well, this was a yellow P. It was a big P. Yeah, it was a big P.

Did it tag all of us? Every single one of us recovered in piss. Damn, someone had a lot of piss. I got blamed. What were we drinking the night before? It must have been like RC Cola or something cool. I wouldn't drink that fucking peasant juice. RC Cola, dude.

What the fuck did RC Cola do to you? I wouldn't even recycle RC Cola. Damn, all right. Go off on them, huh? Used to have all those fake cereals, though. Oh, yeah. But I wouldn't get fake Pepsi. Like Choco Krispies?

Yeah, just like all the dumb shit. Yeah. It's like this is Fruit Loops, but it's not a toucan. It's just a pigeon. Yeah. What the fuck is this? And it'd be called like Fruitness Circlos.

Yeah, I think it's like Fruit Circlos. Yeah, some stupid shit. Oh my god, dude. Yeah, big time P game. I can't believe you took the fall for whoever this mystery pisser. I know who it was. And we've since come, like, there was a point in our lives

where we discovered who it was. Oh, we can know who it is now. Like, we know who it is now. It was Keith, wasn't it? 1,000%. That's good. Yeah, I remember, because Keith was like, it wasn't me. And everyone else was like, and Keith was like, it was Keith.

And I think years later, he was like, yeah, it probably was. So I mean, look, it might not have been Keith. It could have been anyone. But I know it wasn't me. Right. And I don't know it's not me, to be honest with you. True. When was the last time you pissed the bed?

Very long time. Yeah? Like what age? I've pissed the bathroom. No, no, no, like you woke up. You woke up like, uh-oh. I don't think I've ever done that. Really?

Besides when you're young that you don't remember, like that young. 100%. But I've pissed my bathroom for sure. Like, within this calendar. What's pissing your bathroom? Like, you're so drunk that you're trying to pee, but you're losing your balance and just pissing all over your bathroom. Oh, I've never done that.

I'm a pretty good. I've done that twice in three months. Seriously? Four months. Who cleans it up? Me. Yeah, you got to lick it up 100%. Not lick it up.

Well, you know what I mean. Clorox wiping, like a mother fucker. Yeah, I need some Clorox wipe. And you don't even know you're doing it because you're drunk? No. And then you wake up and you go, my whole bathroom smells like piss. Yeah, that sucks. I pissed, the last time I remember pissing the bed was 2006.

I was 14. And I'll tell you why I remember. Dude, that's an old piss. Yeah, I pissed, I like full on pissed the bed. Like full on. Not drunk. No, I was, I remember because I was on the phone. It was those good old days where you would stay on the phone

through the night with your girlfriend. Oh, nice. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I got beat a lot back then because my dad would be like, why is your fucking phone over its minutes for like? See, the trick was with Sprint, it was free Sprint to Sprint after 6 PM. And I always had the Shawty's on Sprint.

This is when I had an X-Talon, X-Talon Sprint merged. Yeah, you know, I was over there running it up. And before I went to bed, I had a lot of Coca-Cola, actual Coca-Cola. And I woke up drenched and I woke up and my phone was under me. And it was fucking hot from piss. Pissed. I pissed on my phone, broke my phone.

You broke your phone by pissing on it? Yeah. I feel like I faintly remember these. You probably do because I tried. My dad was so fucking mad. Did you tell him why it broke? Well, I tried to hide it. And he tried to hide what?

The piss on the phone? Both. OK. And he was like, what the fuck did you do? And I didn't want to tell him, hey, I'm a 14-year-old that pissed on his phone. So at one point, I was trying to do everything. Like, I don't know, maybe it was water.

And he was like, my fucking, I don't know, I was about to say, bless my dad's soul like he's dead. He's very alive. He was hell-bent on believing I spilled Coca-Cola. He didn't even realize it was piss. So I went through everything. I even tried to be like, yeah, no, it was a little sticky. It might have been a wet dream.

You tried to convince your dad that you came so much from a wet dream that you broke your phone? You thought that was better than just saying you pissed yourself? I would have said I shit on my phone and broke it before I said, dad, I had a nocturnal emish and it shattered my phone. Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking joking? The phone was ruined. I haven't made any more jokes. What did your dad say to you? When you said, dad, I came all over my phone in the night. No fuck away. Are you fucking joking? What a fucking stupid excuse, you're an idiot.

Dad, it was a little sticky. I'm crying. You really were afraid of pissing your bed. Yeah, and I was like, you're right, it was Coke. He was like, OK. And he still didn't realize it was piss. I love how he can believe that Coke not the fucking piss. He doesn't believe the giz.

He's like, no way it was giz. Coca-Cola, dad. Now I'm pissed. That's it. That's just one excuse of the whole one example of the fucking absolute naivety of my dad. He tried to convince me. I tried to convince dad.

Came all over my phone, dude. In my head. In my head, coming on my phone was less embarrassing than the piss I got me. Oh my god. And I never got my i570 ever again. I was so mad because I had all my loaded ringtones and shit on there.

My ringtone for my then girlfriend was Weeby Burnin' by Sean Paul. Every day, Weeby Burnin' not concerning. And that, you know what? Ironically, you know how that phone went out? It was fucking hot. It was hot. It was burned from piss.

It's hot phone. What made it funnier is that behind the screen, there were water pellets. So this phone is as hot as night. And it's in yo, this phone reeked of piss. It wasn't even like a, wait, what did you do about your bed? Key evidence there. He never smelled your bed.

Didn't like it. Listen, my dad is not the dumbest guy, but in that situation, he definitely was. I'll tell you this. If I'm your dad, right? And my son comes to me and says, I think I may have came all over my phone and broke it. I have to believe him.

Because I have to assume that is last on the list of things that he would say. I wanted my dad to believe I came more than I fucking pissed. And it's like, I didn't even like say like, it was so funny because I remember sitting there and my dad, like having a fucking blow dryer on the phone, like, what the fuck? And I'm like, dad, you know, he's a little sticky, you know.

And he just said, no fucking way. He was like, no fucking way. What is it? You get piss. And he swore it was Coca-Cola. Yeah. How do not ask you, like, why would you say? Why would you lie about it being just, oh man.

I mean, I don't think my dad to this day probably doesn't even know. I mean, he might now. Dad, if you're watching. That is the fuck. I'm so glad that story came out on the show. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I haven't told them in a long, long,

if ever, because I remember it as clear as day. Was it the black phone? No, it was like a silver. It was like a dark, like a charcoal next tail. I'll look it up. Oh, because I remember when you had this like flip phone that was black. That's the only one I remember you having.

That was a Verizon one. It was, let me see. We're going to type in. I found it. Oh, let me see the victim. It was. It was, I mean, an older mod. It was this.

Yeah, it was a crime scene. It was this phone. I570. Pissed all over that. Pissed. This is fucking trash. Also, now that we've gotten to the end and I got distracted, why did you piss?

Just because you were filled with, because I think I did have a lot of Coca-Cola. Yeah, but like, if I have a ton of Coca-Cola, my body wakes up in the middle of the night. I just, so all the times that I, in my life, remember peeing or almost peeing the bed, it's because I go to a bathroom in my dream. And I'm like, I'm going to pee in this toilet.

And then I'm like, uh-oh. There have been close calls. There have been very close calls. None as extravagant as my RIP, my I570. Within, like, two years ago, I had a dream that I was peeing in a urinal. And then I woke up in my bed. And I frantically checked my pants,

because I thought I pissed myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's happened to me. But I didn't, which I was proud. There have been times I've woken up, like, sweating, because I'm hot, where I think it's pee, but it's not. That was a fucking beautiful haiku that I just wrote down. Yeah, that was fucking nice. You should put that into a poem book, publish it.

I woke up in bed, sweat, because I'm hot. I thought it was piss, but guess what? It was not. Fucking Robert Frost over here. Mm-hmm. Who's that? Don't touch me. Ow, you fuck.

Yeah, so. Have you ever shit the bed? No. OK. I thought I did. Why? I told you this story. The first time I slept over Lawrence's house,

I fell asleep on a banana, and I woke up, and I thought I shit my pants. No, I told this story. I know I have. No, but when we were in Miami one year, I was drunk, so I passed out in a bed. And Josh made a grilled cheese, and then decided that he burnt it too much.

He didn't want to eat it, so he mashed it up into a ball and shoved it into my boxers. So I woke up in the morning, and I was like, yo, what is in my fucking pants? And then I went like this, and there's a whole full grilled cheese in my pants. That's fire, honestly. Josh is sleeping next to me.

So he literally just came over and put his hands in my boxers. Was that the No AC? And jammed a fucking grilled cheese in my pants. Was that the No AC place? No, it was the year after that. Damn, that was a good one. He jammed a thing in my pants. Yeah, my first time sleeping over with my friend Lawrence

is how, shout out. He, we tried to stay up to watch Mad TV, and we both got bananas to eat, and we fell asleep on top of the bananas. And I woke up, and I was like, no way. I was like, no way I shit my pants. And I went in the bathroom, and I took my pants off, and I'm looking at them.

And I'm like, not like, they're coming to banana. Yo, yo, the whole fucking pant was just mashed in banana. Was it in your pants? No, I slept on top of it. So I was on your back of your pants. Yeah, I'm like, yo, no way. Like, how did I do this? I was so dumbfounded.

And then I was like, I smelled it. I was like, yo, I was like, I smells like banana. And then I went over, and I remembered, and then I saw the fucking mashed up banana peel on the couch. Did he do the same thing? I can't remember. I just remember me, because I was fucking distraught.

That is fucking hilarious. And do you remember their house, because they had those old? I remember it. They were like, seriously, they had the old leather, like the loose leather couches. Yeah, it was a fucking horror show. God. When was the last time you pooped your pants?

About to be any second now, to be honest. We've got to wrap this up. Yeah, that's Joey's way of saying, let's get it done. Yeah, like I said, my butt this whole podcast has been like this. Just playing games. That's probably what it looks like, honestly. Would you ever let someone, you know how to do those chocolates

that are like casts of your asshole? I looked into that. They're on back order. Oh, OK. And they're also like in Sweden. Oh, yeah, Swiss chocolate. That's good stuff. No, I know.

But I'm not like, I don't know how to read their money. So it's like, this cost this. And I'm like, this is probably $1,000. And they're like, oh, don't worry. It's only like seven cling clongs. It's like, oh, gee. Chikrons? Yeah, you don't know that the fucking rate, that's like 460

bucks. Yeah, dude, I'm not, you know, I don't want to eat my butt for that much. Oh, you're getting it to yourself? Well, if I'm going to make a cast of my butt, I'm going to eat it. Why not give it to me? You can eat it, too. I might get you this.

We could share it. I'll cast my ass. Yeah, let's get like an ass casting. I think we just need a casting thing. Yeah, they make like, people do it with their wieners all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can like sit on like a plaster of Paris and you're good. Yeah, yeah, and then, yeah.

Yeah, I think so. How'd my hair look? It's a little late for that. Yeah. Anyway, I think we could wrap this up, Frank. I think we can. Where can they find you? I'm the co-host in Basement Yard.

FAlbers 8085 on Twitter and on Twitch, if you want to come and hang in and play video games with me and Joey sometimes. And the Frank Albers on Instagram. I think that was it. Go check out Basement Yard Patreon. Good stuff. Yes, our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash the Basement Yard. We're going to be doing extra episodes every single week on there that are coming out on Fridays. Full episodes, OK? So you can do that. And you get the next week's episode a week early as well. So go check out the patreon.patreon.com slash the Basement Yard.

And go follow us on Instagram at the Basement Yard. And that is all. And check out, say I got a studio as OPL also on there. You definitely want to check that bad boy out. Yes, go check out OPL. We're in between seasons right now. We had our best season ever for other people's lives this past season.

And we're really excited to move forward. Coming back September 3rd. Ooh, Labor Day. Yes. And that is all. See you guys next time. Bye.