The Basement Yard - #256 - The Worst Job Interview Of All Time

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Frank feels the need to prove himself as the new co-host of the show and hands in his resume for Joe to look over. Hold onto your seats! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement You're taking over. I'm taking over. Okay, and I'll tell you why welcome back in baby. Yeah I'll tell you exactly why Joey because as I'm glad to be here today hosting the 256th episode of the basement yard podcast I Feel like I don't deserve this You know what? I mean like I feel like I know I got big biggie shoes to fill. Yeah, but I feel like I don't deserve this Okay, and I told you I had something planned for you this week Yeah, you don't you don't really know what it is

and I Need to earn this are we gonna have sex I need to We're not not yet. Not yet. Yeah, that's a different episode 260 number 300 269 Careful But I don't deserve this and I need to earn this so what I'm I have prepared My resume I did I thought you were gonna say a song and I was gonna be I was gonna be like We're not doing this. I've prepared my resume and I need to be I need to be interviewed for the job. So this is why you I saw you walk in with a suit and tie

Not a suit. Just a shirt. You know what I mean Just a shirt and I want to make sure that I get no preferential treatment Uh, despite the fact that I'm your oldest living friend Uh, do I have an older friend? That's dead And uh, I want I want preferential treatment the same way everyone else would get it And I want to be treated the same right so I'm gonna ask that Kindly uh, you interview me for the job Uh, you want me to interview? I want you to interview me. I need to just get set up here

And just let me know if you feel I am qualified if I'm not We're gonna have to do Sayonara I just realized you were saying that I thought you were saying the name of like a Like an ex-girlfriend or something or like an Italian yeah, it's not like an Italian name or something like an Italian sauce Sayonara. All right. This shirt is clearly doesn't fit the way it's an old shirt. Probably it doesn't You know, it doesn't fit the way it used to but You look like Robert De Niro

You know what we're just gonna go with the the tie. So, um, I need you to you know, just as I am a regular employee Yeah, uh, you know just go in and interview me. I've prepared And I am ready and this might be a little short. Yeah, that looks good. Just leave it like that. That's fine I appreciate the effort, but it's good So you look like you just left work to go cheat on your wife Oh, shit. This is what like finance guys who stumble out of strip clubs They like they check their collar for no fucking like lipstick Oh, how do I look? Yeah, what's with that that that's like who kisses a collar?

Who's kissing the collar of your shirt? Yeah, including at this point where it's known to be like a like a notorious tell You know, I don't even know if that's a So I found lipstick on the collar. So I need you sucking on the fabric. So I have my resume here Uh, where is it? It's right here It's a three-page, dude. Oh, okay. That looks way longer than three pages. Wait, how long is that? There's extra pages on here for things. So I need you to take a look at it and interview me Uh, accordingly to make sure I have the job Do you have a copy of it also? I have a copy right here. So there's my resume

So there's my resume. So if we could just go line by line, uh, introduce myself, um, yeah, yeah Okay, so I just want everyone to know that okay We'll post a picture of this. I really have no idea what's on here But I just know that from far away you can already see that there's a giant watermark big watermark And it just says it's britney bitch Just let you know who you're getting so humor and I need to fix my tie Um, you know what you're getting with me on the show. So just leave the tie You've already spent too much time on the outfit. It sucks. I don't think I did. I think I just spent

Here we go. Now I got it over make a bridge Who make a bridge? Oh Put the man through the bridge Yep Showed tie perfect. All right. So, um, I I I encourage you I think I'm gonna do the interview Well, I I'm just saying I encourage you to be honest Yeah, and really ask about these, uh, you know everything on here So as you can see from the top, I'll introduce. No, no, no. How you doing?

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm I was gonna get up, but I there's no shot. I'm gonna your name is francisco l alvarez. What is the l? Uh, uh Low down, okay clearly comedy from the star star So there's an address here. Yes. Yes, and it's uh 69 horny drive outlet parts on no new jersey Yes, horny drive is separate. It's across town. The outlet is its own little thing Uh, that's where I live. You don't know where you're from in new jersey. It's a town called parts unknown. Gotcha And this phone number. Do I even want to call it? You can if you want. Do you want me to call it? Go ahead? Should I call it? Yeah, is it your number? No Who's number? It is my business number

What does that mean? It's my business number. You can call them. I encourage you to call them Okay, you know, you might they might you you'll get a better understanding as to who I am and my my work ethic I I don't know what this number is. Do I do you think I have this number? No, no, I would be shocked if you had this number knowing you It's uh, okay. I'm calling it. I'm putting on speaker. Okay. Is this a business? It's a business. It's my business It's cool Mama's empanada Hi, hold on one second Mama's empanadas

Make a great empanada delicious food delicious delicious. Do you try that hot sauce the green and the red and the red It's good. Uh, and then if you need to get That was it, dude, and then if you need to get in contact my email is Facts to great 3000 at business dot sanagata studios dot us. Also, you spelled great g r e I felt great the exact way it was spelled in my screen name. You spelled great with an e without a doubt. Well, all right Well, let's just get to this resume. Let's find out. I just want to make sure like the people feel I need you to shut the Fuck up because we get it. You want to be qualified, but we're gonna get to that. Yes, sir Now obviously we have education

You went to public school, too, which is ps2 right? We went there to get it. That's right. And now under that it says one time student of the month Five years one month all May. What grade fourth? And it was by accident How do you get an award by a teacher thought that I got a perfect score in our state test and it wasn't it was a zeme But this shows that I take advantage of any opportunity that is given to me Because I was a great student of that month for the fourth grade of miss anagnostosis class Wow, okay, cool the best mail

mail Okay, next we have described as quote playing too many damn video games and quote That's true. What is that people said that about me people feel that I I often spent too much time playing too many damn video games but I think that that is actually a compliment because it has worked on my uh, my Hand movements and uh, you're public speaking. That's it This sounds like something my dad would say To to you your dad did say that to probably to me actually Frequently held and lost responsibility of bringing a tendon sheet to main office. I did I was a wanderer as they called them in the elementary

This was in public school too. Yes it all in public school, too Right. Oh because all right, you had to bring you have to bring the attendance So, you know the kids would bring the attendance sheet down and I was Found to be and also found to not be very responsible with that sheet right on numerous occasions Which shows a persistence on my end to really take responsibility on the chin Yeah, okay Next we have lived in joe santa gato shadow. It's from day one I'm not gonna agree to that. You don't need to

Uh, and lastly here. We have almost beat denis in one-on-one basketball almost. I actually was backwards And the kid chris with a k was after me and I just trucked it was after you He was like next in the rotation. Oh, Dennis ran. He ran the rotation and I just threw it up behind me like that And you just missed so close Well, that would be a big one if you did I know I didn't but I did you know this whole thing I would have I could have thrown out the whole thing and that would have been all we needed Um, then we have your next school here. Yes the baccalaureate school for global education. Mm-hmm. I went there Uh, first off it says some somehow made it into this school. Don't know how it's uh notorious for smart like very smart people

Not saying I'm not smart because I know that being smart will contribute to a well oiled machine But you weren't smart not then. Yeah, very smart then. I was an idiot. I was very horny. That's all I cared about Yeah, you were a big like trying to finger my brain was in my scrotum. You know what I'm Dick or scrotum. No, right. My brain was in my scrotum. Right my this brain What other brain? Okay, that's still there folks next Got in trouble for creating a health plan aptly titled fat chicks ink. I did I did I drew a picture with it as well Uh, and I was in a group of young men. Uh, and we were um, quickly penalized

uh for uh, this creation And uh, I learned my lesson so that shows that afterward I was able to take constructive criticism and move forward in my life So there was an assignment and you created an incorporate you created a corporation called fat chicks Incorporated. Yes. What was this company? What did it do? I don't remember. It was just fat I remember more that I got in trouble for it than I do about what was in there mm-hmm Next we have wasn't very good in ceramics class everything I put in that dan kiln blew up the what the kiln Oh, I'm not familiar. Yeah, it blew up. I wasn't very proud of it

I didn't I didn't need the the air bubbles out of it well enough. So that shows that I can learn From my mistakes gotcha. Okay uh Dare to teach her to put a winter jacket in her pants pocket Dot dot dot She did it. She did miss brownstone Uh, she had big old pockets. Are they gonna say titties? Nope Might have to yeah, but had uh big old pockets and uh, why'd you have such big pockets?

Oh Big woman bigger woman. Okay big pockets Bigger pockets Bigger heart bigger brain. Yeah, and uh one day a friend of mine in you don't want a big heart, right? Yeah, that is my heart. You know what? I mean in in theory a large heart metaphorically metaphorically not scientifically a large Not enlarged, you know, she doesn't have any blockages and uh My friend was wearing a winter jacket. She said take it off. You're indoors. She said no, it's cold And she's like take it off. He said where am I gonna put it? She's like put it in your pocket

And he goes and I go he can't put it in this pocket. She goes I can I go do it. She did it She fit the whole thing in her whole goddamn thing in her pocket and these are some big pockets It was a big jacket too. Yeah I mean, it's a winter jacket. Yeah, it's got feathers probably um, and then lastly here we said we We have despite not being in the same school still lived in joe shadow still did it found a way Found a way. I can't believe you didn't write anything here about your uh fashion show Uh, there might be things about my fashion style later

I wasn't a fashion show which that's for another time that's inappropriate to speak about during a formal interview I'll make that decision Uh, next year we have a uh Superlatives we have superlatives. I'm saying we have another section here. Yes. Yes. We do First we have mr. Sarcastic This was brian high school circa 2010. Yes, this is something you actually want that is correct And the next one mr. Know-it-all mr. Know-it-all. I felt that both of those uh, only one of those was appropriate I'll let you figure out which one to know it all no

There's the sarcasm Comedy um, okay next we have incredible recipient for backhanded compliments Uh, and that was your whole damn life. Yes, my whole damn life. I've gotten backhanded compliments when we have examples Two of them. Yes, two of them such as your penis is perfect size because it actually fits Yep, which if you do the math that means that whoever said this had previously had a penis that was forcibly jammed not for with consent with consent but

Significantly larger than whatever I was working with. Mm-hmm. And then uh, the next we have Oh, don't worry. I don't like guys that are in shape Because you misspelled shape. I assume You you put ch ape Oh, don't worry. I don't like guys that are in shape Was that a you or did they say shape? You know, yeah Stupid or the month one time makes sense now

Yeah, another superlative another superlative, uh Look alike to the following stars. Yes. Oh wait I also having a dad that somehow looks like Pedro Martinez. I've never seen it. Your dad looks like Pedro Yeah, your dad looks like he tossed. Uh, what's his name on the floor? It was that guy's name don zimmer. Yeah Which I've also been told I look like Don zimmer He's a fat white guy. He's dead. All right page. Is he dead? He's dead. He's very dead. He's very dead. He's years dead couple Yeah, uh, look alike to the following stars

Ryan Reynolds. No. Yes. No got it this weekend. You didn't get it this week. I guarantee I did Jason Momoa not gonna read the comment section. People say that's not frank. That's Jason Momoa next John Stamos. I got that one It's the hair No, it's not it's none of it. No, it's the hair Michael B. Jordan. It's more a black dude It's more the physique than anything. The physique. It's more they I remember I was watching he looks like Eight people in the world. It was when black panther came out and someone said like you have very similar Muscular structure and I appreciate them for that

Who the fuck said that someone that has an ear to the ground. Yeah, tom bergeron I mean, listen, I'm not always told I look like good celebrities the guy that's that America's funniest videos. Yeah I haven't heard that name in so long. Mm-hmm that one now. We want to talk about physique. Maybe tom bergeron You know Prince Eric. Yeah, I've gotten that one that one's more of he looks like me than I look like him little mermaid. Yes No, I'm sorry. None of these are right. So now if you if you continue you will find that we have a list of strengths Uh that continue on for a number of pages

I just saw the first one. Okay Strength loyal strengths Loyal right and there are descriptions as to ways in my life that I've proved that I'm a loyal individual And here we go. Well the first one Frankie uh, okay once punched Himself in the face for breaking up with someone. I wasn't happy but I took responsibility for my actions And I remained loyal it was it was a middle school girlfriend and you decked yourself in the face I was very upset for having broken up with this person. So as soon as I got off the phone with them

I punched myself in the face That's beautiful. It's a shows an accountability a structure of accountability that goes on in my brain Something that you want here something that you have had and you want to continue to to uh, because let's figure Let's let's put it like this. You're investing into me and I will show you that your investment will not go unnoticed continue Doesn't listen listen to haters. I don't You don't listen to haters. Nope. Do you have any high hater merch? I don't because I'm an adult male. Yeah Cried only once Cried only once at a greek restaurant when his dad chose to take another family to disney world on his birthday

Wait, what some could say that I should have cried more than once wait your dad took a different family To disney world on your birthday. What is this? What do you mean different family? Not me Like your brothers. Nope not our family a separate family. Yes Does he have a separate family? Nothing I know of So who was the separate family a random Sweepstakes winning family that was a great question that that prompted me to only cry once at a greek restaurant showing incredible restraint and loyalty to not crying A Greek restaurant it was you mean a diner. Nope a greek restaurant. Look who meet her verana

Onward we'll play basketball with friends to make them look great at it. Absolutely. Yeah I am loyal to my friends and I want to let them know that if they want to look good playing basketball Play with me, right? Yeah, because you don't look great doing that. Mm-hmm. Okay. Oh man Set a set a sign on alert for a screen names name. Hey, it's me one two three. Oh three Go on Despite in hindsight believing he was the victim of a pedophile. This person asked me to finger myself Wait, wait Wait, hold on. What I was oh, oh

So I would remember when you could put an alert for when people signed on. Yeah, I did this for hey, it's me one two three And this is who is this? I don't know. Well, how'd you get their screen? I think I found them in a chat room You went into a random chat chat room. Yep. And I believe I found them and Um as I had done that hindsight now, they asked me to do things that were most likely Pedophilic in nature. How old were you very young and they asked you to finger yourself. Yes, they did Did they know that you don't not only did they not know that I was not of my actual age? Wait Did they know you were a guy? Yes. Oh, he wanted you to go back door Well, whoever this was this unknown. Hey, it's me one two three out three if you're out there

Say hi, they're not they asked me to finger myself and I responded where Where what kind of choices I didn't know I didn't know back then mouth ears and didn't know Obviously it was ain't your butt. I know Hindsight now I realize what happened, but I remained loyal to this possible pedophile. What did it happen? So wait, you said where and what did they say? My asshole To which you then said No, right

And then that was it and then they were gone for a number of years Okay Next next set of strengths Okay, next we have uh Can hold a conversation about anything I can and then it says ask me about anything ask me whales Dude whales are huge Yeah, you know how they sleep

vertically My conversations align with the ability to teach and learn and I'm also willing to listen I ask questions that make you ponder your existence which shows that I can talk about anything Onward I don't even know what I just asked me about anything else right now top of your head go pepper Wow, have you ever which kind of pepper do you like? I have a pepper mill that doesn't work that well So I put it in a mortar and pestle and I hand grind it myself green beans

Green beans are great. I mean, you know beans and nature have a lot of fiber giraffes, you know, I've never seen a giraffe Unfortunately, I'd love to see one in cumulonimbus clouds. There are different types of clouds And I know that they have different purpose, uh, but I'm not sure exactly what they are I believe the cumulonimbus gets the name from the greek god of fluff Nimbiosity I might be wrong You are okay Now you have ex squid by the way, this is a very long list of strengths. Well, I am a very strong man Very okay onward exquisite culinary master. Yes. I am

Make some mean cheese sauce fucking mean old cheese sauce. I put a couple different cheese. You start with a roux I don't if I have to hear about this roux one more time. Okay Doesn't often use jarred sauce. Listen, I'm not you and uh, I'm not perfect. Okay. This is a good reference to an old blog Yeah, it is go check it out right now santa gato studios It was a bed bath and big titties is what it's called actually where we argued about it You can check it out now youtube.com slash santa gato studios. I believe Wow, look at this kid. He's gonna you should put a strength about just showing more of my strengths. Yeah Watcher of over five hours of gordon ramsey videos

You just bollocks It's five it's a lot I watched a video this morning. He went diving for fresh scallops fresh Is it hot in here? Oh, it's it's steaming in here Another skill that I have as you continue to read that I didn't want to show off initially is um I can tie a bow tie Yeah, yep I'm gonna do it as you continue to read you're gonna touch

You brought another tie a bow tie Okay, uh next hasn't killed anyone with cooking not yet I'm still early. How would you kill someone with cooking? I don't know if it sucks or if you they choke That wouldn't be your fault one could argue Okay Can identify the taste of tumeric? I can You did I did the another reference to another video. That's right

Blind taste test santa gato studios And then proven ability to just Take your time. I'm trying proven ability to destroy egg in palm of hand I've done this. I was told I couldn't but I did Yeah, and I put a palm in this an egg in the palm of my hand and you smashed it and I destroyed that I did see you do that and it was you know impressive I know it was impressive. You don't need to have any trouble. Can you actually do that?

Of course I can it's a little tough when you're not looking at yourself. Did you see that in a gordon ramsey video? No, but oh look at that. I can look at myself right there continue onward I think this interview is going great by the way has never worn an affliction shirt never and I never will keep reading Has never worn one never has never owned one. Uh-huh. We'll never wear one one will not Turn down requests to try one on once in college college a weird time You'd had a lot of affliction wearing friends It's pretty good. Not bad Um, I cannot confirm that I hung out with people that wore affliction t-shirts

Will vehemently bully bully tribal tattoos on nine non tribe members. You're not in a tribe. Don't get a tattoo of the tribe simple Will only wear one if you ask me to listen. I'm a flexible guy If you wanted me to wear an affliction t-shirt, I would wear one You should we buy some if you did I would have to be grudgingly wear them, but if you asked me to you know, I do You know what we should do for an episode. We should wear affliction shirts While drinking monster energy. I won't make it out alive. Right neither will I yeah, I will it will literally I will shit It's tough neon green. It's tough. It's tough. I can only imagine

Reformed fedora owner slash wearer. That's correct 2010 was a weird year. It was I thought it looked good To my defense. It was before it became a meme. It's true. I wore it more as an accessory than an actual hat, you know It was made of straw like material I did own a fedora and I know that and listen as as life has progressed and I have changed into a more mature adult I can find I find that I have to look back on certain decisions that I made and be Glad of the the progress I've made in my life It was made of straw

Straw like material. I don't want to say specifically strong. You don't want to commit to that. Yeah. No, that's correct. Okay Um stylistic trendsetter. I am Comb over hair in 2010 I did it before our friends did it and I was made I was ridiculed for it and kids If you're out there, which I know you are don't let people ridicule you for your chair Don't let people ridicule you for your choice of hairstyle Uh can create a new trend that you can profit off of that's true for instance Sucks and that's tice. I can make him at the drop of a dime. However, I would what sucks Just spelling sucks with an x you invented that and I am gonna be the forefather of it

I don't think you can be a forefather. Oh, I think I can Think about it. I'm thinking you think the rock invented being cool No, but he's the person that does it best right now. Okay Uh being directly in the middle of fat and in shape despite working out bingo. It's actually very impressive thing that I There's this really beautiful area right in the middle of being fat and in shape I find it every single time. Mm-hmm Do you ever venture to either side? Well, yeah, of course you have to in order to understand

Fat and in shape or dichotomies. Okay, you don't understand one exists without the other So in order for people to really say wow, he's in shape. They need someone else walking down the street that says That's a fat piece of shit and and you're both and I can do both And that also shows that I am willing to be a martyr for a cause right so if and when you need me to die on a sword Or fall on a hill I will do it for you So you're saying when you walk down the street Depending on the angle someone goes. Oh, Frankie looks good. Yeah, and then the other people from the other side of the street will go Not very good. That's a big fucking guy. Mm-hmm

all right Innovative clapper Yes, oh damn it I forgot I forgot a prop Go ahead Has created many different unique styles of claps. Yes, I have and I am very proud of them Can I see one read them out loud? fist clap

Go on What did you do that when I was a kid? I didn't know how to properly clap. I remember you told me that so what I would clap That's a good clap the loud echo Oh The fast clap Oh my god, that was good I didn't invent that watch as much as I perfected. Yeah, that old white guy did right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. Can you do it again?

Oh And then we have of course the uh the prayer clap All different ways to clap if you guys are sick and tired Of conforming to the regular claps that are that are thrust upon us in society Take any one of these just make sure you give me credit at at the frank alvarez on instagram And share it with your friends Can I can I get the um the loud echo one more time? Yeah I

Don't know if these are tears are sweat. It's hot in here. Let's get hot Okay I just saw something on here that I can't wait to get to but Before we move forward here Got to read those ads we got to get we get that makes sense We got to get some ads here. Can I go get my my prop then go get your prop. I don't know what it is Excuse me Say hi to the edge for me

Okay Are you good? Whoo, okay, so starting off these ads with Cuts clothing which have completely changed the game Uh, their t-shirt has enough quality and style to wear in the office on a date or anywhere in between I love wearing these shirts because like they just said you can wear it to a restaurant Or on a date or uh in the office or just kind of hanging around, you know Sometimes I don't like wearing like a fancy fancy shirt. Uh when I'm just kind of hanging out. So

You know, this is a perfect right in between Uh, you can shop by cut choose your collar crew neck Uh v-neck or henley choose your cut elongated split hem or the classic curve hem Um, and they're great. I mean they're they're You can throw on a cut shirt Some pants and get on with your day. You'll be ready for anything. So like I said, you when you're wearing these shirts Or these pants or whatever from this company, um, you know, you can you can be ready for anything at any time The only shirt worth wearing, okay? Once you wear a cut shirt, it's impossible to choose regular shirts

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There is four different ways of communication. There's video. There's text. There's call and there's um Something else that i'm missing right now But you can get started communicating another 48 hours. Um, and if you need to transfer, uh Therapists at any time it's a very seamless operation there They have licensed professionals for depression or anxiety or anything that you're kind of dealing with so Uh, yeah, go check out better help dot com slash yard. That is better help dot com slash yard And uh, you will get 10 off of your first month. Okay, so go check them out. Um, and get some help Uh, next we have pretty litter which has reinvented kitty litter

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Basement, okay There you go. Great friends of the show great friends of the show. All right, so I believe we left off after innovative clapper Mm-hmm And we now What what was that going? Um hand sanitizer application visionary. Mm-hmm Has mastered use of hand sanitizer. I have what do you mean? So hand sanitizer people think of hand sanitizer as being just for the individual that applies it

However in the way that I go about applying my hand sanitizer Not only sanitizes my own hands, but it's able to Effectively sanitize the surrounding area Taking germs away from the possibility of getting on you I don't even know. What does that mean? Let me show you. This is the prop So normal person were to put hand sanitizer on And be like, oh wow, okay Done boring who does that with my way of applying hand sanitizer

You got a little extra in there And you go like this and if you see The weight of the sand the hand sanitizer gets on the desk you can then Rub it in. What are you there sanitizing the desk? That one wasn't as great I know Well, not only apply to my own hands, but get some all over the place We'll properly soak anything near to remain health conscious Watch this

And then that that yeah, I forgot it but watch this in there Profound big toe owner. Yep, and then it says my big toe is an anomaly. It is It's big people have big big toes. Might as a big big Big toe has been ridiculed by my family since the literal date of birth day home day I came home from the hospital. They were fucking making fun of my big toe Can do a thumbs up when hands are busy slash tired. Yeah, so okay You got little tires. Look, there's more hand sanitizer down here. You can just use that You you're oh, oh, I'm a little exhausted from a long day of work

Oh, I don't know what to do, but I need to tell someone that I approve of whatever they're doing Thumbs up That's a massive that's a thick toe. Oh Ah, my hands hurt. Oh, no. How am I gonna let this guy know that I like him? Oh, that doesn't work Yeah, you know these skills are really gonna come in handy. You're gonna tell me they won't Onward Award-winning poet I am two-time award-winning poet two-time winner of san agato studio slam poetry. That's right

Proud of it successfully rhymed teegan and Reagan we are not confined by the way words are pronounced in order to rhyme them. So teegan and reagan absolutely work. Well, it's reagan reagan Has been promised rewards of upwards of 15k. Yep. I was promised for winning these I would get cash value rewards Of $15,000 still waiting on that reward hasn't come yet I don't know when I agreed to that. I never said it was you. Oh, you think that it was you No, I didn't yeah, you didn't why would I give you seven seventy five hundred dollars? I didn't say that I said fifteen thousand dollars. Well, if it's a two-time Maybe thirty then

okay CEO and director of operations of speed acronym LLC Can combine any two words to make a coherent alternative. Absolutely saves time and money for instance For instance speed and wagon makes swaggin swaggin dry and hump drop transgender and chimpanzee trans pansy

All rights are owned solely by frankie LLC. Give me two words right now stupendous and uh a gonorrhea stupendoria next um I'm very good at this and a lot of people don't think that I am Italian mm-hmm and Gump italium

No, yeah, it's too much italian. It doesn't matter. I never said it's more than one word or the other I said it makes a coherent. It's coherent a coherent alternative Extermination extermination And pollination extermination Advocate and fighter for human rights damn right gave multiple seminars on human resources in popular social media empire office. That's right. I did Oh What you're talking about

I it says social media empire office. I choose to use what exactly that is because the next line I want that to be remain successfully defended employee rights against tyrannical employers There are some people that didn't understand what their role was as an employer and I had to step in and make sure that the humans in this In their office were being heard Never once asked to stop doing these and can do one on the spot right now if you want no, okay I'm not reading this. I am legitimately asking this. Go ahead and do one right now. All right. Okay. No right now I mean, listen, we need to talk about the fact that

despite Despite the pandemic certain people are still being asked to come into work and I understand that that is completely understandable You need to continue to run your business. However, there is something that you need to do as an employer You have a responsibility to provide provide Sanitizing agents proud owner of sketcher brand work boots. I'm right use for hiking working and extermination They've done all three exterminate. Yeah, they have. Oh, yeah, you killed a roach in my apartment Proudly refuted any negative press regarding sketcher brand work boots. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm

Was there in the clutch when the bug appeared and save lives? I did I saved two lives that day and three the life of the party Did not give in to hard bullying bestowed upon by benevolent Italian slash the word is malevolent I Read it again Did not give in to hard bullying bestowed upon This bestowed upon by magnificent. No malevolent Italian irish business owner Right, and I assume that's not me. That's not it's just another person that I saved with my boots

Extremely flexible. I am in both time and body. You can do it both ways It doesn't make sense My gut has recently gotten the way but it can but can be gone at your request That's really good Just a little something I can do. Are you wearing suit pants? Nope. It works pants. They're new because I remember mine ripped Right, son of a bitch Uh, guenis world record for guenis What's wrong with me? I don't know. I figure like having a heat show

What'd I say guenis? What the fuck is guenis? Guinness, uh world record for balls and a guillotine. That is true Bonus strength will accept most dares. I will and you know that right slam your head against that desk Imagine okay broke the previous work record of one by the way you didn't say I dare that's why I didn't do it Okay, broke the previous record of one ball. That's right. What is one ball one instead of The previous record for balls in a makeshift guillotine was one one testicle I broke it by putting both of mine in it

Place two pure bessen balls in a makeshift guillotine successfully made parents Successfully made parents disappointed. I did disappointed my parents with that one. Yeah, probably And now the last thing we have here it says can type 82 words per minute and then you just wrote wow 82 times Well, excuse you Wpm is actually wow's per minute Okay Comes in handy when you need someone that's gonna consistently give you positive reinforcement. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow 82 times 82

And then you wrote enough said bingo And then references were available upon request. Yeah I'm glad you asked. Oh my god So I have two references that I assume hold me in high regard. I asked them to write me letters of recommendation Did you actually do this? I would like you to read these and um, let me know what they make you believe or I can read them Whatever you want. No, I'll read them. Okay. You read that one first. Let me know when you're ready for the next one Please tell me this is real

Just tell me it's real. They are both uh accurate deer deer It says deer comma to whom it may concern to whom it may fucking concern I write to you today in regards of my dear, dear friend Frankie Abagnale Rodriguez, Guadalupe Hernandez, Céspedes, huge fucking meat alvarez You know the hispanics are known to have many names My name is Michael Rutherford Lopriori. That's right. I already know that he actually wrote this because of the name It is with extreme horny pleasure. Yep, it's mike that I That I am recommending the swift and efficient work ethic of my dear friend and confidante franco-licious

As the boys and I used to firmly address him as Okay, I am also one of frankie's hottest and most trusted friends. Yeah, it certainly is I'm here today to encourage and enlighten you about the expertise and diligence of this hot striking jason mimoa like Presence which some fools wish to address as a man But he is more than a man my good sir or woman. He is the epitome of wonder the very definition of a miracle. That's right I own several billion dollar companies a couple of them and frankie turned them into trillion I say trillion dollar companies. That's right, baby. Why without frankie I would be but a morsel of a man clinging to the depths of depression and

I've vehemently Why should I hire this man and even let him sleep with you if it comes to it because I have that much faith he would satisfy you economically economically and cockishly In all caps those are both things that you need to take into account so well So well that you would in fact be in such a deep debt of gratitude sit back and let me whisper a deep tail into your ear Whom it may concern I cannot believe this happened

One time frankie and I went skydiving. I was I don't even know what the word that is plent plenteous With joy. I don't know Frank might be real might not Franky and I ejected ourselves from the plane as we fly high above 20 000 feet in the skies with birds and clouds when suddenly As we plummeted I realized my parachuting was not deploying I grew worrisome. My legs became stiff and penis became extra small tiny. Okay. It was already small before you got me But the fact is frankie with his keen sense of endangerment turned into a man of action Aligned with his body and pierced through the sky to come to my very aid. He snatched me from my

Descent held on to me Like his eagle like claws and pulled his chute Just in time to save me. I've never trusted a man more with my life or my body In my life after that What is going on It's there I'm being held in high regard and I just want to show you that mm-hmm There's a lot to take in you don't need to read the entirety and then it just says now

I ask of you whom it may concern Isn't that the type of power you want working for you? Don't think about it. Don't be a fucking idiot hire him now You piece of shit asshole. Fuck bitch Signed ever so horny ever so ripe michael rutherford jackson angelica low priory That is a great letter of recommendation. That's all I need to say Wow Man, you'd only hope someone could say those those things about you. Yeah, we got one more Just my last letter of recommendation. Hopefully put you over the edge. Oh my god

To whom it may concern they know it's me, right? Yeah I'm running you today on behalf of francisco de lorenzo Montoya alvarez As I believe he would be an excellent fit for the role of co-host on the basement yard. Yeah, there we go Frank as his friends call him came to me at a time in my life where I was still very young and trying to find myself It's true. You could say I was in a vulnerable position full of self-doubt And prime to be taken advantage of by a superior This is getting dark. That's where I came in. Thankfully frank being a

Of weak mind and body. Was it no position to be taking advantage of anyone so we connected right away? I still remember a first conversation At the local west haven denny's. That's right west haven Connecticut gun waving west haven At a denny's. That's right. You got a grand slam. I didn't I got a burger Not a big fan of denny's. I didn't know they sold burgers. I think it's a lot of everything We spoke of our childhoods and frank told me about the hardships he had faced in his life mainly around his difficult poor minority upbringing I I being from loving wealthy white family could not relate in the slightest

But had recently binge watched a few seasons of my name is earl So I had a general idea of what he might be talking about And respect this is a long sentence and respect to him for sharing this with me Oh, man It wasn't until years later that we both realized that being different made us so close Frank and I have worked together closely for several years. So I can confidently say his work Was characterless and mediocre at best. However, due to diversity regulations, we kept him on board And it entailed him with

Oh Monotonous tasks That actually drove some some of our animal subjects to madness Not me We have stopped since using animal test subjects and switched to a full subhuman staff As we have found they are easier to motivate with things like hard candies and ice cream cakes while also offering a bit of comedic Frank quickly rose through our subhuman division to the point where we actually considered plugging In his desk's phone at one point

But we thought the ringing might mess with our other Pavlovian conditioning experiments And didn't need him soiling the carpet again Yeah, you know all things considered a podcast co-hosting job seems like the perfect fit for someone like frank Who certainly could not contribute to society in any sort of material way very few and if things go south I'd recommend just unplugging his microphone and ignoring his And ignoring him as that it At the end here he might have fallen off his chair

And ignoring his as that seems to be when he does some of his least bad work Thank you for your consideration all the best Ryan Lynch You'll love them You do that now. This is true This I believe so given my strength Uh and uh letters of recommendation. Do you have any questions for me the difficult poor minority upbringing? Know about that

Hmm I told I shared with ryan like I shared with ryan lynch that my family did not have Uh, you know some of the resources Uh and and uh, you know incredible opportunities that some other people might have had in their lifetime right and he Immediately said not me. I come from a rich family in new jersey, right? So and he does he does very rich family his mother's a florist I hear Big flower guy apparently

They make good money. Yeah, so do you have any questions for me? Maybe about how I'd be a good fit here? It looks like you're about to do one of those prayer claps. Do you want me to yeah? It's very good. It's very good. The clapping I think is one of my clappings the highlight See that's a very good clap you don't realize it because it echoed in from your mouth Reverberates into the rest of the room right so as you're sitting there I'm sitting there Exactly and also you've had two different ties on this entire time as well So there's something to highlight about you shows that I can multitask. Can I ask you a question? Yes, of course

Are you good at the heimlich? Uh, I have been told To uh, I've been told have you ever heimlich'd I have I've I've heim dumped. I've heimlich'd I've heimed I've heimed at all Okay, um, and if needed I can provide excessive force To my sternum. Yes. No, you're not your sternum. That's how you kill someone. See that was a trick question You don't do the heimlich up here. I don't know where my sternum is your your sternum is here. Yeah Yeah, that's a you want to do it here diaphragm Even though the heimlich is no longer considered medically appropriate. So what how do you stop people from choking? You smack their back

You say peekage almost I burped I'm sorry Um, you know, so I could do what you need me to do because I choked the other day I would have been it was terrifying. There are several strengths on here That would have been useful when that happened. I could have won Use the prayer clap not only to clap you on to the point where you are feeling like you are able to get through the choking But i'm praying to god making sure that he gets you through this or she Uh, I also god's a woman It could be uh, it's whatever what as individuals we want it to be

Um, I could have worn an affliction shirt because the sheer horror and terror that would have been in your eyes from seeing me Wearing an affliction shirt would have made you regurgitate I'm gonna buy some affliction shirts. I promise that I won't be happy, but I will support you I could have used my big toe my big toe could have gotten into your throat and that you could have actually done You could have shoved it down farther into your throat. No, but seriously The other day I choked and literally almost died really I I was eating a french fry A french oh you almost went on a french fry. Yeah, dude the goddamn french Do you mind if I take my tie off? I would love if you took it all off

Uh, but I was choking on a french fry and I was actually on xbox and we were playing call of duty and all of a sudden you know You just hear oh you went full on I was I was gasping like legitimate like a good four gasps Really dude, it was terrifying. That is kind of scary and then I I was like wait I can breathe through my I don't know what it was I think I felt like my throat just like locked because it didn't feel like there was something stuck because I could still You can breathe it was just you were probably more nervous than anything else Maybe I was trying to breathe when I was like, yo, I couldn't get any and I was trying to cough like cough it out or some

shit, but I couldn't and then uh I just started dying laughing That's terrifying. Hey, but it was did you end up swallowing or getting it out? I nothing It just like so you weren't choking. I don't know I'm I went black you went black you just lacked you just said that you were choking and now you're saying You don't know if you were choking. No, but like I definitely was like choking But like something happened like something hit the back of my throat

Yeah, of course and then I couldn't breathe and then my throat just like locked up Do you think it was like one of those like other other uh other pipe stitches? I don't it could have been that it could have but then why would I not like it was it was weird, dude It was really fucking I I uh that's happened to me before and I I just like I got fucking terrified and just like Like I I don't like cough or scream as much as I just like You know like freak out to those around me. I literally was going It was fucking that's crazy. It wasn't cool. Did you did you like life flash before your eyes? No, no I think that happens. I literally was just thinking about like I can't breathe. I'm fucked right now

Like there's no one you imagine dying on xbox. Hilarious. I wish I was streaming that would have been awesome That would have been really good. Yeah, always good. You gotta die for the views for the views You gotta die well even just getting close would have been nice because I honestly was like a second away from just Launching my body against the table So like try and do something so you can just spit that bitch out Yeah, because I've done that before when I was younger that makes sense I like I like went over a chair and like popped a fucking like a jawbreaker out I a jawbreaker not a job like a it was like a little hard candy

Oh, let you just swallow that bitch back down. I almost choked once on spaghetti And I had like five strains of spaghetti that I pulled out one by one And I got them all out and I stopped choking Yeah, I didn't like I guess I didn't chew my spaghetti as a kid But I very specifically remember almost dying on spaghetti espaguetis Los spagetti spaghetti, right? Uh, something else I didn't put on here just because I know you were wondering I can do some impressions

Okay We got that one. Uh, Robert De Niro. I can do like, you know the telemundo guy. Yeah Hola You know, okay, you know You know or or if he's announcing a football game football in south america Oh Very good. Very good. I can do uh, uh a brazilian woman who's uh that english is her second language Give me a sentence that you would say

I need to go to the store to get some milk. Oh, yeah, I need to go into a story I gotta get the milky lechy It's pretty impressive if you ask me What are you basing that on? Oh, you have more? Well, you can ask me and I can do them No, I can do mini ones too. Obviously everyone can do chump chump China That's it. That's it. You got any other mini ones? Uh, no Barak

I thought that was bill for a second. No, can't talk about bill clinton right now. Oh, yeah, he's in he's in some hotty woods Uh, yeah, he's in hot water. He's in a world-sized jacuzzi apparently Have you heard about apparently tom hanks at jacuzzi with children? Yeah, apparently tom hanks is too. Whoa. There's a conspiracy Well, there always is that my buddy told me joe. What's up tom hanks is that tom hanks and his wife Didn't actually test positive for corona They like fled the country when all this epstein stuff came out and have been hiding since and apparently Like weird things have been happening where if you look at like tom hanks's wife. She posted a picture on instagram

And it's like her at the beach, but if you look in her sunglasses, it's her living room And it's like they're under house arrest Because because they're apparently linked to this epstein thing. Please don't sue me tom hanks. Literally. I love you I can't deal with tom hanks not being the perfect person. I believe he is right But that's there's a conspiracy about it Now she posted this on her instagram Yes, you can see it really you i'll show you right now I got you don't even go. I got it for you. All right, cool unless she took it down

Which if she did now we got now we got a sneaky sneaky bigger conspiracy Um, but yeah, I can do other impressions as well. Is it obvious though that she's not at the beach? Yeah, yeah, so like maybe it's a joke What's the caption? Is it like? I mean, I wish I was here. Maybe it's a joke. No, it just said like beautiful day at the beach But if it's like obviously posted this uh yesterday. I love sundays is the caption take a look Should have should have posted this yesterday. I love sundays. Yep And now she's at the beach. She's wearing a shirt that says I love sundays And then you look in her glasses and she's in a living room living room

conspiracy Yes, it is I don't know if it's true though. I think this is bullshed Yeah, I don't know if I believe it either but like there's like and then it's like if you look at When he hosted snl first comment. I see So happy at your private island After eating babies Oh, yeah, I don't know about the whole eating babies thing

But I guess it's possible anything's possible nowadays And then another one age much you look like you're dying Well, that that one's mean that one's just mean Yeah, then there's rumor that if you watch like the snl episode The snl from home where tom hanks hosted like the opening monologue. It's like his head is like green screened onto his body It's weird. I don't think that one's true, but it's out there. I just wanted to let you know Yeah, that is strange, but also I feel like that's too obvious like this has to be a joke I don't know

I don't know pizza gate the children. I could do an impression of her read a wilson I don't even know what she sounds like. Yes, you do. I don't Howard Wow, really good jingle all the way Good movie great impression But it's okay. So given This I'd like to know if you have any questions or do you feel that? Um, I'm adequate, uh, you know based on the recommendation letters and the resume

Uh, I think it's concluded that I don't really have a choice here Thank you. I'd like to say no, I know that's because it's so impressive. I have nowhere to turn it's it It's impressive though like say that Say that it's impressive You've threatening eyes I I have a heartfelt lips I've inviting lips I've inviting lips. Yes. Do you feel like this is Someone that you would hire No, a former mama's empanadas employee, dude

by the way That was the funniest thing I've ever You know, I almost put some other employers in mind, but I did just put mama's empanadas I almost put our friend david's phone number on there, too That's a joke that I've done since middle school Anytime someone asked me for my number. I give them davids did it the other day. Really the divino. Yeah I told divino divino asks for your number. I told him for a whole I convinced divino that my phone I lost my phone. I need to get a new number. So I gave him davids you texted him from your number. No instagram

Gotcha, gotcha It's divino. So I you know you could be texting for your number like hey, this isn't my number anymore. I have a new number Yeah, and I got him I think I don't know if he texted me. He might not believe it. He might not But I got him So I appreciate and accept I'm willing to negotiate terms of employment in terms of pay Yeah, I know in my previous role as a part of this studio. You had taken 84 percent of any, you know income It's not true. So I would I will suffice now for a low 72

You got a deal Thank you, you're welcome Don't ever touch me ever again. If you could throw those out by the way, though I'll be very upset. This resume was very hard to put together years of experience here And we were so kind enough to get incredible letters of recommendation from our friends michael opriori and ryan lynch at ryan lynch radio, by the way Who told me he took that handle because he thought one day he might get in a radio That's great. I I was really skeptical

On I think on whether mike wrote that or not He did but he did because of the name and then also it says it is with extreme horny pleasure And I was like this is mike the watermark. I think it's what really helped I had to print out a couple copies because it didn't come out clear on here But no, it's britney britch definitely hit it definitely hit so You know congratulations. You got the job. Thank you so much. When do I start? You don't But listen, why don't you tell everyone, you know where they can find you? Well, you can also find me at 69 horny drive outlet parts unknown in jersey. You can call the story of mama's empanadas

Ask for me and ask for the uh, green The green and red hot sauce. Oh my goodness. So and then my email is fax the great fax da greate 3000 at business.sana gata studios dot us And then I'm also on twitter f alvarez 8085 and on twitch f alvarez 8085 and on instagram the frank alvarez And I'm also as a part of this organization. I I contribute to episodes that go up on patreon Which people can find at patreon.com slash the baseman yard Where they can pick a tier that's right for them then they get some pretty cool stuff

Agreed guys Go follow the show at the baseman yard on instagram We post clips and uh, you know, you keep up to date with everything that's coming out and uh You know, oh, i'm starting to twitch stream back up today. Actually. All right. I mean by the time they see it So it's like four weeks in advance. Well, it's fine twitch.tv slash joe sanagato. Go follow and you'll see me Whenever I go live, you'll see it. Um, so yeah, that's all frank. You got the job And uh, I got a lot of thinking to do I bet you do and we'll see you guys next time. Bye guys