The Basement Yard - #273 - The Aliens Are Among Us

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

After a man comes out saying that the government has indeed been in contact with aliens, Frank & Joe talk about how they'd interact with an alien when they inevitably get one on the show. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

God! Oh. Welcome back to the- Oh my God. That was not what I was expecting at all. Welcome back to the basement yard. How's everyone doing? Mary Grimmich.

Mary Grimmich. Mary Chin Grimmich. Mary Gritchmich. Gritchmich. Yeah. Or? Happygonica. Happygonica.

Um, when is Gonica? You know, figure it out. I mean, it's long. We can't miss. It's eight days, right? Yeah, yeah. Eight crazy nights. Eight crazy nights.

Cartoon movie. They don't get crazy. They don't really get that crazy. I mean, they don't get crazy. Do the Jews get nuts? They want to get nuts? I don't- I feel like they-

Like, how crazy can Hanukkah really get? Unless they're, like, raging. No, dude. Jews rage. Do they? Hell yeah. I don't think I've ever met a raging Jew. What?

Like a- like a part of your- What? Yeah, I don't think so. I know. Crazy raged Jew- rager- ragers. Really? Yeah. Ragers.

I'm trying to fit it in. Don't even try it. Don't even try it. Person that is Jewish that I know. I- all- then again, most of the Jews that I knew, it was when I was, like, really young. So they weren't raging back then. I will say this. They smoked a lot of cigarettes and listened to a lot- oh, smoked a lot of weed, too.

Listened to a lot of fucking Green Day. Dan, they slammed heaters. Dude, they were fucking piping them back like it was- And then also, like, it's waking me up one September ends. Like, I kid you not, like, long sleeve shirts with the sleeves were checker printed. And then- Yeah? Well done.

And then, like, going off on some Green Day. Damn, dude. They were just going fucking apeshit on some Green Day. That's cute. I knew one kid who was, uh, he was Jewish. Uh, and he, like, would chew on his sleeve. And one day in class, chewed the whole fucking sleeve. And unrolled it, and his arm was wet.

Like a fucking psychopath. What is he? Like a- Idiot? Like a little puppy or something? Maybe. He might be a little puppy. An idiot?

He's definitely stupid. Very heavily stupid. I saw a video of, um, there's a Jewish holiday that I'm not familiar with. It's not like Yom Kippur or any of the popular ones. It's something with a P. I don't remember what it is, but, um- You definitely don't want to try it. Like, I don't even know, like, the spelling of it.

Yeah. Like, you know, whatever. But, uh, there's this kid. Um, actually, you guys can go check it out. It's an Instagram page called SightalkNYC. Fucking hilarious. Mm-hmm. Like, just going around New York City, like, interviewing people.

It's so good. Oh, I think I saw- You posted one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there was one where he goes around in, like, a Jewish neighborhood, probably in Brooklyn. And it was like, you know, they were celebrating something. And he just walked in to a house. There was, like, a big, like, Jew razor was going on.

Oh, man, that's dangerous. They rage hard, too. That's really dangerous. Big Trump guys. Are they? Yeah, and they were chanting that, too. Which was a little scary. Wait, they were chanting it?

They were chanting- They were chanters. Any chan- No matter what it is- I hate chanting. You chant for something, you're fucking weird. Yeah, because when I hear chants, I think of enchantment. And then I'm afraid if someone's going to put a spell on me. Bingo. That's exactly what it is.

You know what I mean? It doesn't matter what you're chanting for. You could be chanting for, like, you know, fucking Netflix. Get away from me. You're probably a demon. Yeah, I don't really like when people talk in unison. I don't even like when people- What?

I don't even like when people sing happy birthday. Like, a part of that makes me uncomfortable. Really? I'm not even kidding. Like, literally, even if it's my birthday and it's three people singing happy birthday, I'm like, I don't like- Yeah, what do you do? Do you join in?

Yeah. That's the thing. I've joined in on my own happy birthday. You ever have someone sing happy birthday to somebody? Like, you're at a place and they're singing happy birthday to someone else. Like, someone- like a party, not a restaurant. Like, but they have so many nicknames. And you don't know what to say.

Well, it's like for like, for like grandma. Oh, missy. It's like, me, ma, pi, and then it's like, grandma, and then old bitch. And then it's like the people, like, for instance, like the people, like, call them like their real name. Wait, first of all, old bitch. Happy birthday, old slug. Old bitch.

No, but like, yeah, it's like me, ma, grandma, Pete Powell, you know, whatever their name and stuff like that. Grandma, like, there's nothing- No, not nini, as I bro. I am the most uncomfortable when I, like, people give me gifts to open. Because- You hate them? No, no, like-

What do you do when you hate a gift? Open it right now. I've never, like, legitimately, you know how I am. Very sentimental. I've never received a gift and hated it, but I know that, like, when someone giving me a gift, they need to see, like, the pomp and circumstance. So they want me to be like, oh, I needed this. Yeah, yeah, oh my god.

But, like, I've also done that, and then I've done the other end of the spectrum where I'm like, you know what, I really needed this. Thank you so much. Oh, I hate that. That is such a fucking white dad reaction. Yeah. This is- you know what? Logistically, this is a good gift.

You know, oh my god, I was just thinking about getting this for myself. Oh my god. I do- I have done that. It makes me uncomfortable. But, like, there's no- there's no in-between, like, what is a way to react that people are gonna like? I don't know, but if you're gonna give a gift that's just, like, super regs, you can't expect, like, a big reaction from people.

Like, if you're giving me socks, even if they're like- See, like, careful, I love socks. I know, but, like, even if they're just like, you know, no, just like a regular pair of socks, not like socks with, like, a, you know, a pair of tits sewn in or something. I'm talking about just, like, a green socks or something. But even if they're like, you know, they're, oh, they're super warm, they're double pleated or whatever the fuck, I don't even know what that means. Socks are not pleated.

I don't know anything, Frankie. Fair enough. But, like, what am I- how- it's socks at the end of the day, like, how am I supposed to suck the oxygen out of the room for these fucking socks? People want you to do that. And I'm, like, I can't do that. The only time that I've ever, like, not received a gift well was my mom for my birthday a couple years ago.

She- my mom loves to buy me graphic tees. I'll be fucking 80 years old and I'll have a fucking- a tea with, like, half of the fucking- half of Batman's face and half of Spider-Man's face. Like, dude, no matter. And I love her for it because I do love those shirts. But one year, my mom got me a shirt and I opened it and it's blue stripes. Oh, you said this. You said this.

The Puerto Rican flag. Oh, my God. Yeah. And I'm like, ma, she goes, it's Captain America. I'm like, uh-uh. It's the Puerto Rican flag. Yeah. And then, for me, my mom gave me a bad gift one year.

I think that she just wanted me to be able to open stuff. So she was, like, buying, like, whatever clothes or whatever she didn't know what to get. She bought me. This is maybe four years ago. Oh, so recent. Very recent. Okay. Four years ago or maybe sooner than that.

A lava lamp. I opened it and I literally went, ma, what are you doing with a lava lamp? This is a 1968. Yeah. What else are you going to get me? A snake and a chain wallet? I will say Miles is a lava lamp. Hysterical.

He liked the other night. He was like, mommy, I want to throw this thing out. Like, even he knows. That's a five-year-old. Like, enough. It's a wrap for this. Yeah. I don't know how to receive gifts.

Like, I don't often feel embarrassment, like, or, like, anxiety around people. But when it's, like, my birthday, and people are like, open it. Open it. Open my gift. I don't like that. And I'm like, take it easy. Also, I feel super bad if I open a gift and, like, I don't apparently give the reaction they want.

And then they just follow it up with, the receipt is a help. Yeah. Yeah, when you know, that's how you know the person knows they fucked up. When they're like, if you don't like it, the receipt's in the bag. And it's like, all right, no. But I've also never returned a gift or exchanged a gift that I've gotten. Oh, me neither. But I'm also one of those people that if I buy a shirt and it's too small or something,

I'm like, oh, I should have sized up with the way that it won't return. It's there. I'll just have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll probably wear it to bed. Yeah. Or something. Or I'll just give it to, like, Keith.

Like, but that's it. Keith is a petite boy. He's not really filled out like you. He's a little petite teen. He is a petite teen. Yeah. He is a petite teen. Yeah.

Big, uh, big, uh, what was it? Sorry, this is, I forgot where this is coming from. But one time, someone was talking to me about some porn thing. It just popped on my back to the petite teen, but it was big black poles and a little white hole. Yeah, that makes, that makes sense. Yeah, that's what it was. Do you remember when we were, like, teenagers, we thought it was the funniest thing in the

world to watch, uh, freaks of cock together? Yeah. We would be like, we'd be like, yo, did you, you got to see it. We, and so this is a little weird to talk about now, but we were like, how old were you, would you say? Uh, 13, 14. Yeah. It's like 13, 14 in Frankie's alleyway.

What's up? With a laptop out. How you doing? With a guy with a big, fake, maybe three foot dick. If that was real, this guy wouldn't survive. Yeah. And also you can't get a bledged. Yeah.

You would have to like eat it like a gyro, like from, like attack the sides first. Yeah. It would be very strange. Yeah. Gyro. But, uh, yeah, and then also he would, you know, he would, uh, ejaculate tremendous amounts. Dude, like not, it wasn't ejaculation at that point.

It was like a gallon of milk. Yeah. Yeah. And do you remember what Keith said? No. Keith, we were watched like, we were like watching the hindsight, we're watching porn together. 100%

And Keith, like at one point, like just stayed quiet, we were like, yo, there's no way this is real. And Keith just goes, it's goat milk. We were like, what? You know what I'm telling you, it's goat milk. And we're like, okay. And he was like stuck with it, that it was goat milk. You know what?

I think a part of me still believes that to this day. And I don't want to be corrected. Yeah. I just, it is. Because people like, it was like milky white. Like it was like, it was white, real, real, is like a little, like a little clear ish. It's not coming out like, it's cloudy. It's not coming out like, oh, just going to get it docked on the line.

I don't know what you're talking about. It's cloudy. It's not like fucking like white, like these walls. Not sometimes, sometimes I, sometimes it's, you know, I mean, it's not like snow white. It's well, you know, or not snow white, that snowy white, snowy white. Yeah. No, it's not like, you know, construction, what is that called? Computer paper.

It's not like that, but it's like, you know, it's like, like a conditioner. It's like, no, conditioner is pretty white, dude. I mean, it depends on this one you got. I got a coconut one there. It looks exactly like coconut. You got a lot of coconut stuff in your, in your bathroom. I love coconuts. You're a big coconut boy.

Dude, I rub mostly coconut on this body. That's weird. But don't like actual coconuts though. I love coconuts. I guess we're flip flopping on that. Did you have like, when you were younger, or to like, I guess in your like adult, semi-adult years, did you have like a pre-sex routine that you thought was like your like go to? Like a, like, so for instance, I like, I remember hearing when I was like in like late years

of high school and like early college that like, oh, red dye number four will make you last longer and so will bananas. What the fuck is red dye number four? It's like in like Twizzlers and fucking Swedish fishing shit like that. Red dye number four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might have killed your sperm, but I remember like, I would be like, hold tight. I'll be right back.

I'll run to the bathroom and you shove fucking Twizzlers. Are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God. You thought Twizzlers were going to make you last longer during sex. And they, they, they didn't. Might have. Might have. That's what I'm saying.

It's, I don't know. Red dye number four. Yeah. I go, I thought you were putting a chemical in your body from a Twizzler. Listen to me right now. That was going to make you jizz. I mean, I think there's like red dye in Twizzlers. It's like red dye in corn syrup basically.

What is number four? I, it's the fourth important one, I guess. Red dye number four just sounds like a robot's name. That might have been, but I, I would literally like stop like mid-four play and be like, I'll be right back and I'd run to the bathroom and like, like shovel like a pack of Twizzlers and bananas. Bananas. Yeah.

Dude, you probably took a big fat don't play it wrong. Possible. I mean, I don't, I don't know. This was back in the days where my bowel movements were semi-regular. Yeah. Uh, but I remember like, it was just a fucking, it was a holiday. Dude, that's insane. I remember, I know the whole thing was like, uh, pineapples make like your cum taste better

or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. I don't know, man. I just feel like, I mean, I don't smoke cigarettes. So I don't. What, does that affect your? I would assume so.

Do you remember when people would call it splooge? Or your spooge? I think it's splooge. Are you talking about cum? Yeah. Splooge. Like, oh dude, you used to like totally fucking splooge everywhere. The fuck?

No one ever said, you never heard someone say that? No one's ever said that. That's been said. I don't want you to splooge. Well, no, I'm not saying, I don't think anyone said it to me like inviting, you know, inviting the splooge. Yeah. It was also someone just talking.

I know, like in, like in the UK, they call it spunk. Oh, let me tell you something. Oh, yes, I'm going to spunk. Right on there. What I'm going to do is that morning I'm going to rub a bunk and then I'm going to come over and give you a spunk after we, after we shag, after we shag, I'm going to wank it a little bit. I'm going to shag after I rub this bunk.

I'm a wanker. I'm going, I'm going to loo. I'm going to wank one out real quick. And then I'm going to turn the telly on and introduce you to my spunk. Oh, my God, I'm going to pass out. That's what he does. I'm going to go to loo. That's what he does.

That's what he does. That's Jason Stife. And then what are they doing? I'll show you. You ready for my spunk? I'll show you. Like, I'm going to come in. Yeah.

You can't. What do they call it down there? They got to call it come something. Let's look it up. Come in Australia. I'm afraid of what's going to come up here. Do you think come? What's it with the toilets?

They flush a different way down there? Yeah, yeah. Is there something that would come with that too? I don't know. Reverse? I don't know. Oh. What?

I'm trying to look to see what. Australian slang for. Yeah, Australian. That's probably what I should have typed in. Sperm. Slang. Also, you ever see, you ever watch porn, you hear a foreign person say like, oh, you're going to sperm on me?

And you're like. What? What? Wait a sec. Apparently for Australia, I'm going to just say it in a sentence. Good eye. I'm going to put in, yeah, and then I'm going to give you some of my sprung. Sprung.

No, like frog, but sperm frog. A sperm frog. Yeah, sperm frog. Damn. The bug has got three young sprugs at home. I guess that means it's grown. Oh, kids. I guess.

But it also says semen here. I don't know, man. Or maybe it's spoof. Spoof. Yeah, that's what it says. The spoof. No, I don't know about that one. Oh, man.

Dude, I guess that's how they're doing it down in Australia. That was so fucking funny. I would love to know. You know what? That's what we're going to do. That's what we're going to do is we're going to have a Patreon episode where we're just, it's the semen, but we're going to figure out. Like, I'm not going to have it.

Yeah. I'm like, what? Like, I'll give you the term, the slang term for it. And you got to tell me where it's from. That would be fun. That would be good. We know spunk and we know sprog, but I'll come up with other ones. Spunk, dude.

But yeah, like I said, sometimes in pornos, they say like, they put it, they use it as like a verb, like, spermed. I just spermed. What? And you're like, the fuck? What is squirt? Like, what is squirt? Oh, in a woman's squirt?

Yeah, like, what is that? What fluid is that? It's pee. It's just pee. I think it's like... So that's not impressive. That's just, you're just peeing. No, well, it's horny pee.

What is that? Well, I think there's other stuff in there, but I think there's a fair share of like... What makes it not pee and more horny pee? Like, is there like a... You're horny. I could, I could horny pee whenever. I can't. You can horny pee if you want.

Dude, when I'm like horny. There's a thing in your body that like holds back piss and it's like... This is a traffic guard signal. Just like... There's a bouncer. Yeah, it's like... It's literally like that. He's got a whistle out.

He's holding traffic and comes just flying out. Really? Oh my God. Well, not flying out, but you know... I mean, spoofing out. Yeah, it's sproaking. I think like, you could definitely like be horny. You can horny pee.

Well, well, I'm... No, when I'm horny... You guys squirt? Yeah. Like not like sperm though. Like what, are there butts? Maybe. I mean, I've never...

That's gonna be, that's, you know what? That's what's gonna be found. I've seen a lot of stuff. I've seen a lot of stuff on the internet. I've never seen a dude squirt out of his butt though. Unless you like, filled it. Like an enema? Yeah, yeah.

I've squirted out of my butt. Not from sexiness, from medicine. From medicine? Not from sexiness, but from medicine. No, not from sexiness at all. Do you want to go into that or was it... I mean, it was just like... Did a man do it to you?

I did it to myself. Oh, wow. A self, a solo masturbation. No, I was... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said I was, you know... No, no, no, I saw... Liking it.

No, it was a solo squat. Yeah, I was... It was medication that I had to take. It was an enema. How'd you put it in? I told you that. I told you that. You were face down, ass up, I think?

There was a couple times where I was face down, ass up. But you were mostly just... There were other times where I would like lean to my left and I had to like hold my like left knee up to my chest. And they said, I've spoken about it before, but they said like you have to hold on to the medicine for at least like 30 minutes. Let me ask you a question because I don't know what this says about me, but like when I'm...

If I had to do something like that, I'm just gonna like lay on my back and like go this way. Apparently it's like your bot, like the way that like your body's like digestional, digestive tract is like routed, you need to like give it like the most ability to like just like shoot in. When you were telling the story like on a past episode, I think you did mention that. Yeah, it's all about like the route, you know what I mean? Gotcha.

But I remember the first time I did it. It was like I like laid down like towels for myself because I was like, I don't know what's gonna happen. Light a candle. I didn't know. You put on Kenny G. Yeah. I'm not Kenny G.

Rihanna. Got me going. That was my Rihanna impression. That's it. That's a really good impression. How did we even get here? I don't even know, but what we'll tell you to do right now is go to patreon.com slash the link in the description below.

And if you sign up, you get access to every single weekly episode, a week in advance, and a weekly episode that is just exclusive to the patrons. No one else gets to see it. It's true. We get a little, I mean, this is, we've been talking a little dirty today, but we get a pretty, pretty hardcore on there. Oh yeah. We go full P.

We go full P on there. But, you know, we are going to be doing so full transparency. We said if we hit $5,000, we do the one chip challenge. Not only is Joey mad at me for suggesting that, but there are no chips anywhere. Yeah. They're sold out. They're sold out everywhere. And I feel weird buying it from a reseller.

Yeah. I don't know if they, like, sprung on it. Yeah. So, sprung. One chip, but we're going to get like a deadly hot sauce. We will do something hot that you guys will be able to watch on a Patreon episode. So, go check it out. Patreon.com.

You get access to every episode that has been on there. It's over like 300 or something, right? It's a lot. Yeah. Well, also like these extra episodes that we've been doing, there's at least like 10, 20. There's a lot on there. It's as long as I've been on the show and it's been not long enough. I don't know how long, to be honest with you.

But there's a bunch of extra content there, you guys. So, go check it out. Patreon.com slash the bay cement yard. Yeah. Bay semen yard. Do you know? Yeah. Someone like posted a picture and he said semen.

It's incredible. I posted it on my store like a while ago as a kid. I posted it on my Instagram page. But he was wearing a basement yard hoodie. I put these like navy blue hoodies out that had these stitched. It said basement yard. But the way that the kids jacket hung over, it just said semen. And it was so fucking funny.

That is incredible. That is so good. You might as well just start making semen shirts. Yeah. What's going to happen? You ever see those shirts that's like it's stitched like that, but some of them are just missing the stitching, but it's still outlined. I might just do that.

Yeah. That would be fucking hysterical. Yeah. That would be funny. But Joey, there's a video actually I saw on the internet that I wanted to show you. That? Well, I showed you before and I told you we were going to talk about it. But did you, the video about the Santa Claus?

Yeah. And he like, so the video is for those of you guys that haven't seen it, you can go find it on the Google. It's this kid. And he's like, you know, going to talk to Santa doing the whole social distance thing. He's like seven. Yeah. He's like seven or eight.

Too old to cry at request like level. You know what I mean? Well, I don't know. This was a little, this was a little, so he asked Santa for a Nerf gun and Santa's like, no. Yeah. He was like, chill. And then the mom chirps in from the back.

She goes, no, no, no, a Nerf gun because it's a child's toy. Yeah. And, and Santa goes, still no. Yeah. You're, you're, you're, you may be your dad can get it for you, but uh, uh, uh, uh, no guns. Why would he say that? Dude, do you know how quick I would fuck this guy up?

Why would you, what was even the purpose? Like, why would he say no to a Nerf gun? Because it was probably like a super fucking liberal, you know, that it's like, oh, no guns. What a fucking nerd. What is wrong with you? It's a Nerf gun, you bitch. And it's a children.

Dude, it's a children. First of all, he's always right. Yes. This is the rule of Christmas. This is the rule of Santa. If a kid asks for it, you fucking give it to them. Yeah. If he wants a divorce, figure it out.

Yeah. Santa, what, yeah. Hey little boy, what do you want for Christmas this year? Um, Santa, I want, um, you know, a flashlight. Oh, you got it. Yeah. The kid gets a flashlight. He gets one.

And they'll figure it out. Like, it's not your job to teach him what a flashlight is. You're Santa. You just make it. Give them the fucking flashlight. You make your fucking slave elves make it. Dude, what would you do if your, your, your son or daughter, little Joey or Josephine runs up to Santa, sits on his lap.

I want a Nerf gun. And he says, no. When we leave, I go, that wasn't Santa. That was the devil. That was a dead man. Yeah. That was a, that guy's dead. And I, I'd pull him to us.

I honestly would pull him to the side. But listen, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah. I would go off on him. He's like, what kind of ridiculous? Like, bro, you're not going to give him a Nerf gun. Yeah. That's one.

You're a random dude who used to have a drinking problem. And now you're trying to, you know, forgive your sins by being Santa in a mall. This is my issue with any side, any extreme side of the political spectrum. Do you think that you're some fucking hero by not getting a kid at Nerf gun? Do you think this guy, like this fucking loser probably left. And he was like, all right, I did something good today. And not only that, but like, what do you think? Nerf guns are fucking gateway drugs to AK-47s?

We all had Nerf guns. Listen, yeah. If you're going to sit there and say like, oh, all the, all the mass shooters in this country have played with Nerf guns. It's like, yeah, one, you're a fucking idiot. But then if you look at the percentage of people that play with Nerf guns, look at me. Look at me. I love Nerf guns.

You've never seen me doing something fucking violently radical. I've shot Nerf guns that were bow and arrows and I love Legolas. And I've never shot a real bow and arrow. You were a big Legolas boy. Big Legolas man. Yeah. It wasn't because you liked the character or you were a big Orlando bloom boy. I mean, I like bloom.

I was a bloom boy, but I also just like bow and arrows. I think they're fucking cool. And like when we were younger, those things were weapons. Like now they're like safe and cute. But you should be able to take out a fucking eye from across the room. Dude, and they had like fucking like they had like not even just like the little ones. They had like fucking rocket launchers and shit. I shot my grandmother in the face with one of those ones.

Hell yeah, dude. Fuck grandma. She's dead now. Not unrelated. Yeah. I didn't kill her. He didn't kill her. I didn't kill her.

Yeah. But it didn't help. It definitely didn't help. It definitely didn't help. Turn up saying. Just like, this guy probably walked away and was like, I did something right. Oh, dude, you're such a fucking hero. You fucking loser.

I like, you know, I'm a pretty laid back person for the most part. Like it needs to be like intense for me to want to fuck like back up for me to want to punch someone in the face. If it came to like my children, like if that was Miles or my soon to be daughter would be fucking heated. I would I would legitimately say like, yo, I'm going to find you and I will like I'm going to hurt you. I know what I would do. I'm going to teach my kid a lesson about fucking violence. You want to save the day? Fine.

We're going right to the Nerf store and buying all of the guns and coming back and laughing. Yo, I would have lit this piece of shit up. I would have brought his head home for fucking dinner and put it on the table. Oh my God. It's just so weird. Like just lie to kids. That's what kids are for. For lying and for hitting and well.

But for making them feel worthless. Yeah, dude, just Oh no. That's you, you like to demean. I don't know what? Degrade. Degrade, degrade, degrade degrade. Degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade degrade. I'm not in their face, but to me.

No. No. No no no. Oh. Yeah. Oh, to their face. I mean, I've never. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need to. It makes it even more fun. You will never be anything. What what are you doing? Like do you realize how stupid you are right now? That's how I am too because I don't know how to talk to kids. Like Keith's really good with kids. He's able to like talk to them and like whatever.

And I just can't, like I just, like I forget, not that I forget, but they're children. So I just go, oh man, like, literally you're not supposed to do that. Like yeah. Well, I find myself going back and forth because when it comes to like playing with kids, I'm still a kid at heart.

Like I know how to do it. You know what I mean? I could be like, oh no, the floor is lava. You know, like I know, I know how to do that stuff. Great game. Let's do it. Let's get on the show. Let's get on the show.

Netflix, we're fucking- Oh, the floor is lava, that game. Let's get on the show. Let's go on the show. But like when it comes to like having to like reprimand, like that's when I'm like, I have to still figure it out. Like I'm still working on it. I use too many big words.

I get logical with these children. Yeah, I'm like, but literally how do you not know that? Yeah. I don't know. It's like, do you understand that what you're doing right now makes no sense? Unforgivable. And it's like, this kid is like looking at me like doughy-eyed

like, huh? Yeah, she's like, I just want you to know, like you're ruining everyone's day and life. Yeah, every like, but there's an art to it. I'll get there one day. Yeah, but yeah, but like dude, if you're this Santa dude, like just lie to the kid, it's a Nerf gun. It's made for children.

All right, you're not fucking saving the world. Shut up. This is someone that takes their job so fucking serious. And it's like, what? Listen. You're a fake Santa. I get it. You know, you're there to spread joy.

Read the fucking room. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you really think, if anything, this kid is now gonna grow up, buy a pistol, find you, and blow your goddamn brains all over that throne. Like now you, you're creating a,

you realize what you just did? Like you just created a, like that kid in like 15 years is gonna see that and be like, let's go back to the mall. Kids love being rebellious. So the things that they can't do, that's why drinking a beer was such like, oh, when you're a young kid, cause you're not supposed to.

So if he's not supposed to have a Nerf gun, guess what? Fruit of the poisonous tree, baby. Look at Adam and Eve. They couldn't say no to that damn snake. Yeah. Also a talking snake. Yeah. I'm believing anything.

Yeah, who wouldn't say no to a talking snake? Also a quick apple? Like, you know. But that's a thing too. Like it's coming from Santa. You know what this Santa was probably be like? I am gonna make sure that like I try, like people look up to Santa.

Like people look up to Santa because they think you're bringing them gifts. Not because they think that you're an idealic person. Yeah. No one grows up like, I wanna be just like Santa one day. Like, well, I don't even know you, bro. And if they do, and if they do, they should be in a mental hospital.

Something of the sort. You know, but like I strapped to a bed. I was so angry watching this because I was like, you know, like this is the like people are, and Twitter and social media for the most part is normally so liberal, but you know that like conservative media is taking this and be like, look at what these, these liberal cucks

are doing. Cucks. What do you think I said? Well, no, Cox was funny. Yeah. I thought you said Cox at first. Well, maybe, but like that's the end of the spectrum that also sucks too. Yeah.

But do we need to get to the friends of the show? We do. That's why I knew you were, Joey was doing the good old. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's get to the friends of the show today. First one we have here is BetterHelp.

BetterHelp is online counseling. Okay, they will set you up with a online counselor if you're looking to do therapy or something online. You can have four means of communication. You can talk over the phone. There's video chat, texting, and something else that I'm not remembering at the moment, but you can start communicating in just under 48 hours.

Switching therapists is also very easy. They make it pretty seamless. So if this is something that you've wanted to do, I know that I'm in therapy right now and it's great. I love it. It's been a joy, honestly. But yes, with BetterHelp, you can actually save 10% of your first month

if you go to betterhelp.com slash yard. That is betterhelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash yard. It will get 10% off of your first month and they have a licensed therapist that will help you through, they specialize in depression or anxiety or relationships or anything of the sort. So yeah, go check it out if you're looking for that,

betterhelp.com slash yard. Next here we have SimplySafe. SimplySafe Home Security delivers award-winning 24-7 protection. Frankie over here might need some SimplySafe in the future. I know you're looking to- We're looking, baby.

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so that you are paying the lowest amount possible for whatever you're shopping for. But yeah, so I have it attached to my browser and I forget it's even there sometimes and then it'll pop up. You're like, oh, you could save an extra 20 bucks on this. Like, boom. So it's great.

It downloads in just a few seconds and yeah, like I said, you'll be doing us a solid as the podcast, you know, using it by going to joinhoney.com slash basement to download it for free, like I said, and it saves you money. They support over 30,000 online stores, all right? So they have sites that, you know,

you can save on tech gaming products to popular fashion brands or even food delivery. So go check out Honey. Joinhoney.com slash basement to get that for the free ones. All right? What happened? You're worried? Nothing to be worried about, big boy.

Now when you're with me. Ew, your voice just now was like creepy as fuck. Was it? Yeah, I didn't like that. Yo, if you, like, do you think you'd be able like to make money as a phone sex operator? No, dude, my voice sucks. No, it doesn't.

It doesn't suck, but it's not sexy. Try to be like, give me like something sexy real, like right now. I don't even know how. He's gotta be here. I gotta like. No, see, that sucks. Michael, Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin.

No, no, no, no, be sexier. Be like, get into it. Dunder Mifflin. Oh, yeah. Scrappin' Mary, Poma, Memorial Celebrity. Do they order that?

Rabies, Awareness Pro-Am? Yeah. We have the phone run there. For the cure. Do they have like phone sex hotlines like elsewhere or just the U.S.? I'm sure they have them like. Oh my God.

Oi, listen up. You won't get shagged in, yeah? How does that sexy to anyone? They love it out there, man. I guess they do. Yo, there was this one time where. Oh God. What?

What happened? So like, I know you don't relate because you're not a porn guy. And I don't, I haven't done this in a very long time, but there were times growing up where you would find a video and you were like, this is old faithful, I'm gonna go back to this. Oh, yeah.

So there was one that I used to go back to all the time. And the woman wasn't even hot, but she had an accent. And it was like that. Like it was like, oh yeah. Like it was like, it was so bad. Like super cockney British? Yeah.

Like, oh come on. Yeah. I don't think I can do that. Yeah, I don't know why, but it just like did it for me in that moment. I was like, I don't think I've ever like hooked up with someone that had like a heavy accent in any regard.

Me neither. I mean, how many are you gonna meet? I mean, you never know. People, you know, travel in the world. No, I know. But like, it's unlikely that you'll like meet one and then hook up with one. Yeah.

I guess so. I remember, I mean, the classic story is Barry Sanders ESPN classics on my home computer when I was a kid, which in hindsight, it was only on my account. No one else could see it. Right. But I remember there was a joke one

that I remember showing to like friends when we were younger. And it was, I don't remember the website. A joke porn? But it was a joke porn, but it was a porn, but it started and ended jokie. And the girl was like sitting there

and she was like, she started like playing a guitar at the beginning. She's like, just like playing the acoustic guitar. And then- She was good? Like, it was fine. And then at the end,

she played the acoustic guitar after she's been covered in spunk. She's like, we just fucked and you just come in my mouth. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Like I was like, oh my God, like this is hilarious. What the fuck?

Everything in between? Not so funny. Yeah, it was- It was more serious. Well, yeah, I'm assuming it got serious. But it was also, remember back in the day before there were like these massive like porn databases? Yeah.

It was like, you had to go to the website and watch the 30 minute like preview clip. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, yo, when you said joke porn, it reminded me of this video that like everyone's definitely seen this video. Like I feel like it was viral,

but it was a guy and he was just standing there. And it was a girl like on her knees, like about to like eat this guy's ass. And she like goes like this and she goes and the guy farts. No, no. And she got tight. I would be pissed.

Punched him right in the asshole. For real? Did she punch them in the asshole? Well, I mean, she didn't get in. She just, you know, hit the hole. You know what I'm saying? No. You know when you like break down a castle door,

you got to hit it a few times. Gotcha. She only hit it once. Yeah, she was- She didn't make any, you know, way there. That's gotta be, have you ever bruised your ass like hole? My coccyx? Your coccyx.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I fell in on this thing. Dude, it's like the worst pain imaginable. Dude, I fell on this thing one time. I couldn't sit. Yeah. Like even really bend at the waist.

I remember like coughing hurt when I bruised my coccyx. Yeah, your coccyx. Yeah, that shit sucks. Why is that thing like called a coccyx? Isn't it like, so your tailbone's like part of your spine, so maybe the spine is the cock of your back? It's gotta be. It's the longest, best, hardest thing.

That's the only thing that I can even think of of why they would name it a coccyx. I would imagine. I can't see anything else on the other reason. I got it. So your cock is just your cock. And then your coccyx is like your coccyx. Like watch your six.

Yeah. Watch your back. Your back cock. It's your back cock. That's, oh my God, that was genius. Figured it out. I'm really good at context. That was really good.

That was really, really good. I'm proud of you on that one. Thank you so much. What did you get on the SATs again? Like 1400? Yeah, not high. Oh, that was out of 21, by the way. Yeah.

Not out of 60. When you like, you know how like you do one of those, if you punch an asshole at the right suction, does it make that sound like out of your mouth or like out of your butt? Well, I mean, no, yeah. I think so. Everybody has to.

Do you know that actually, you know, a scary thing is that you can get stuck in a, in a pussy. No? Yeah, yeah, you can. Like I, I, I've read a story about this. I mean, I, I know people that have been stuck in it before. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking.

They can't get away. No, I'm not. Yeah. I'm talking about, you get stuck in one. Like I heard about the story about this Italian couple that were having sex in the ocean. And then like, you know, the, yeah, yeah. Which dude, don't do that.

Talk about UTI. Talk about permanent damage here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but. Oh, no. That, it wasn't Mario and Luigi. It might have been. It might have been.

Oh, no. No, but yes. Or anyway, Fabrizio was having sex with Mariana. Mariana Angelina. And the, you know, Italian girls love having two names. Very big. And the INA, they love it. Mariana Angelina Dunierina.

Yeah. And you're like, it sounds like a delicious meal. Yeah. Like you got to put like Parmesan cheese on this name. 100%. I'm pretty sure most Italian meals are also female names. Yes. Pastina.

Yeah. Amatrellini. Fettacini. Come downstairs. Oh my goodness. Chicken Parmigiana. Parmigiana is a great name. I'm getting a phone call from an 800 number.

They can suck it. If it's not Italian. But no, this Italian couple, you know, Gennaro was having sex with his girlfriend and they were in the ocean. And like, I guess the suction mixed with the salt water of the Mediterranean. Isn't the Mediterranean over there?

Yeah. And then like whatever, like they were stuck. Like they were legitimately stuck. They couldn't get out. Suction? This isn't the fucking Atlantic floor after the fucking Titanic went down. Like you should be able to pull out.

Well, he couldn't. And they were stuck. They were stuck in a fuck in the ocean. Is it like a garbage can where you needed to like drill holes in it to get like release the suction? So you had to like poker in the belly button and just like, I think you had to get, I think you had to get like a turkey baster

and just blow air in there and like kind of, I mean, I mean, I made that up. That's a thing. Like apparently when women are giving birth, they like throw like a balloon in there. And they're like, and it like opens them up. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking wild.

But I can see that happening. Dude, women, what they put in every giant is just beyond me sometimes. Well, I mean, what they take out of it is sometimes more impressive. Well, that one's insane too. But I'm saying like, you know, they go to the OBGYN just to check up.

Like a check up for us, like an old guy grabs your ball as you cough and you go home. But with them, they have to stick like this contraption in you and they like open you up. And they're like, you know, there's a lot of metal. Yeah, when you have to crank something to put into my body, maybe don't put it in there. I don't know if I can handle a crank.

Dude, these fucking women, they like sit in this contraption that's basically a saw trap. And they just get a fucking like Transformers shoved into their, hey, yeah. And then they fucking like, they like crank it and it like fucking opens them up. And it's like, let me get a look in there.

Yeah, you can feel like a halo sword in there. That thing, yeah, an energy short will go in there. Yeah. I don't know, man. That's, do you ever think about the- Imagine getting stuck in a fuck. What would you do? Like that's some suction on those big boys.

Well, that's the thing. Like, and that's why, you know, I'm afraid to have sex in water. That's why. No, it really is why. That's really why? That's what, I mean, it's part of the reason. But also like it's, I've jerked off in water.

And it's not- Submerged in water? Yeah, like, yeah. You never like jerked off in like a tub when you're younger. But I've never been in a tub. I'm a big, I'm a bigger guy. But like, your dicks submerged. How shallow are the tubs you're in?

But they're not, they're how deep are the ones that you're in? I can lay down in a tub. My, my dick is- See, I'm, I'm a dense person. So when I get into bodies of water- The water rises! But my dick and balls are always out. And balls?

So Frankie. Mostly dick. But like, so what are you, just not wet? I'm just like there- Does the water come above your knees? I have to, no joke. I have to, when I lay down, I have to like hump the air to get the water to like establish a wave

so it gets over me. You have not been in a deep tub. I haven't. That's the point of this. So I've never jerked off when I've been submerged. You've never been like a weird kid, like try to like slam it in a pool or something? No. That would be disgusting.

That would be disgusting. I've never, I've never jerked off in a pool. But I have jerked off in a tub. Which is probably worse. I have- Where they say is the worst place that you can engage in a sexual activity. I have- Church?

Yeah, that. Yeah. Church is pretty bad too. You were there. Do you remember that? What, in church? Nope. Oh wait, you jerked off in a hot tub?

No, I never cranked it in a hot tub. You fucked a hot tub. No, I mean- Oh god. What is going on? Oh, you had sex in a hot tub. I have engaged in your course in a hot tub. Oh, I do.

Yeah, I do know what you're talking about. We're going to stop there. Yeah, no, no, no. I do remember that. But like that's not good because you could create like a lot of yeast and like probably like baked bread in there. It was basically- Yeah, it was like a little fucking like chemical reaction in there.

The heat was coming from the chemical reaction. You can't make sperm and heat. And also that's a lot of bacteria too. That's what I'm saying. Like it was basically- I was having sex in a septic tank basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stuck your dick into the exhaust pipe of an RV.

Basically, yeah. It was- It was like leech field. Leech field me and I was in it. Leech field? That's what it's called in a septic tank, Joey, broaden your horizons, understand how life works. I'm sorry.

I don't know what a leech field is. It's all right. You'll figure it out. I did see something that I also wanted to talk about today, Joey, and I pulled up some quotes. Oh, I got a voicemail. My friend just sent me a picture of a gun saying, got it. Uh-oh.

Oh, he heard us talking about the Nerf gun. I guess so. We're going to go kill that Santa Claus. I guess so. It's a- Is it a real gun? Yeah, he bought a Desert Eagle. Hey man, who are your friends?

He's a bodybuilder. So he has to make up for his small penis. Gotcha. Joe, if you're listening, you probably have a small penis. Oh, I know who this is. Yeah, my buddy Joe. He's awesome. Maybe he has a small penis.

Fat gun, though. Pretty, pretty much confirmed small penis. Fat gun, though. So there was this X Israeli, like this, he was like, he worked for like the Israeli and US like defense team or intelligence team. His name is Haim Eshed. I didn't say that out loud until right now. Haim?

Haim. Last name. Haim. Last name. Haim. I'm Eshed. Yeah. He's a human.

He's a human, but also Eshed, I guess. Yes, we make fun of people's names here. Get over it. Yeah. He's saying- Wait real quick. Someone, I forgot who was talking to the other day. They were like, oh, one of my kids, oh, someone's, what is going on with me?

Someone I know who's a teacher, one of his kids' names is Francisco. Nice. And he was like, isn't that crazy? I'm like, that's Frankie's name. Yeah. It's Francisco. Yeah. Thought it was a wild name, but anyway.

Yeah, what? That's very stupid. I actually thought that was a common name. But the guy, Haim Eshed, he worked for like the US government intelligence, like the Israeli intelligence. And he said that, hey guys, there's a galactic federation of aliens that have made contact with us. Fire.

And basically, they have asked us not to announce that they're here because humanity's not ready yet. Pretty accurate. Oh, I'm not ready for that. What's the quote? It's like either we're alone in this universe or we're not, both are equally terrifying. I don't know. Like that might be one of those things, like people having like legit existential crises

will like hear that and like fucking lose their mind. I'm cool with not knowing anything more than I know right now. Like I am having a good time. I don't need to know how big or small the world is. There are certain things that like ignorance is fucking bliss. Bliss. Let me tell you, because I don't, I don't even know them, right? I don't even know them either.

You know, like if they're out there or like apparently according to him, they're living among us conducting experiments and they'll like, they want the, to be known once like everyone's just like chills out. Trump allegedly negotiates with senior members of the alien race during calls to world leaders such as Kim Jong-un. I want to, I want to, let's talk, let's talk about that real quick. I want to say this. Yeah.

No, he doesn't. Yeah. Like this is fake. If you think I'm going to believe this, I'm insulted. Well, I mean, it would make sense as to why he loves calling good old Kimmy. Him and Kim are like just like on the phone like all the time, like, what's up? Yeah. But like, no, also, come on, political views aside.

Can we at least agree that he's not well spoken? Sending him as the representative, big time mistake. You're out there. You're out there. I know you're out there and you have such nice spaceships. Mine is nicest. We have the nicest ones. Well, him and then maybe you send Joe Biden in there.

That's must see TV. Oh my God. Joe Biden wouldn't know what the hell Joe Biden has no clue how to say one name. Joe Biden. Joe Biden. He would like. Let's also be clear. Another awful example of someone to send to Joe.

I can't speak. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. Like, well, he also has like a stutter, but what I'm saying is like, we're, it's a conspiracy alleged stutter. Yeah. Aliens. We're not all like fucking 85 year old white men.

Yeah. You know, like that's the other thing, but can you imagine us talking to aliens? They're like, yeah, we've been living amongst you and I'm just like, bullshit. Like, oh yeah, you know, like it's like that common thing. Like anytime a girl says like, she's a sports man, the guy's like, oh yeah, tell me about you know, number 28 on the Falcons, you know, it's like, oh yeah, you've been living amongst us. Who won the Super Bowl six years ago, Geek?

Yeah. I will tell you, if there are aliens living among us, I know exactly who one of them is. If they're playing in professional sports, that's not fair. Yeah. You can't do that. I imagine it comes out as like Tom Brady's been an alien this whole time. That'd be like, bro, it's not fair. We got to take away all this shit.

Patriots. They knew. They knew. We don't care that there's aliens. We just care that the Patriots. Yeah. We just like, just take all that rings away. You know, Boston people would love aliens so hard.

Trump was on the verge of revealing that aliens exist, but the aliens in the Galactic Federation were saying, wait, whoa, whoa, let people calm down first. This is like insulting to me to hear. So we can at least agree on the fact that I think aliens are real. Do I think that this man is the whistleblower of a galactic federation like this is Star Trek? That would be, I mean, I would love a federation that is galactic. I'll say that to be on like a board.

You stand on a podium and there's just a bunch of chairs with a bunch of different aliens and shit. I would also say that the term galactic, awesome. The term federation also awesome. Yeah. Both of those things. You know what I mean? Like, let me just.

Vince McMahon should be on the board here. Yeah. Like, what if wrestling federation, Stone Cold, I mean, not Vince McMahon. Yeah. Basement Yard is a cool show. I guess. I mean, like name for a show, but imagine if it was called like the basement federation. Yeah.

You'd be like, yo, these guys are making money. Dude, that would be fucking the galactic basement federation. You know how ballsy that would be? Yeah, dude. That sounds like an underground bunker where only rich people can go when the world ends. But also they don't want to start in mass hysteria. They want to make us sane and understanding. That's compassionate of them.

That's never going to happen. No, it's not. As soon as they go, yo, aliens sup, like we can disappear, reappear, we got ships. People are going to lose it. Apparently they're like waiting for a stage of humanity to get to a point where it's like, we're like super accepting. Uh-oh. Might not be there for a long time.

Not, dude. But not only that, but it's like, we're pretty like compared to like the, compared to like the seventies. Oh, compared to like the seventies. Yeah. We're super accepting compared to that. Like, where do we have to go where it's like, I think there's zero racist people on the planet.

It's never going to happen. I'm not talking about people and like certain people in particular, but I think it's like it is apparent that it's not about like, you know, like, oh, I don't want this. Spanish. I don't want the blacks. It's like, I think just as a, as a human race, the concept of a larger power, like that could, like it's just here and like we never knew about it, like we're not top of the food chain anymore.

Yeah. Like that would fuck people up. They would not be cool with that. They would be like, we need to know if they're a threat and kill them first. Yeah. But also, I mean, then again, we keep building robots and we know where that's going. Yeah. Those are going to bend us over and fuck us one day.

The only part of this that I like was like more likely than not is like, apparently there's a secret base on Mars, like underneath the surface that like they like go in like fucking rage in. Would we really need to put that under the surface? I can't see that. I don't know. What? We are so advanced and we have like six grainy like fucking like, what are those pictures

that you need to like fucking like dry off like this Polaroids of the Mars surface. Like you could be hiding behind the camera and we would have no fucking clue. Dude, I haven't even like looked in the moon's direction in like a full year, like I don't even care. Dude, I live with someone who is a big moon girl. I hate when people are like, do you see the moon? I guess, guess if I can see it, dude, there are times where we've been driving in the car and Becca will go, and I'm like, oh, and she's like the moon.

And I'm like, dude, all the way fuck this moon. She's like, you're not a witch. And you're not the ocean. Dude, it also drives me nuts where Becca will be like, she'll be like, you're in a mood today. You're in a mood today. And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm perfectly fine.

I'm just like, I'm working. I'm busy or something. And she'll go, ah, that's right. I'm like, what? She goes, no, I'm like, no fucking tell me now. She's like, it's just a full moon. And I'm like, what? She's like, listen, she, she believes that my mood is changed by, and I know there are

going to be people in the comments like actually it's been proven that the moon, the moon, dictates your mood. And I also say this, no, no, it hasn't. We're not fucking lichens. We're not werewolves over here. Like what the fuck is a lichen, a lion Viking? You know, it's a werewolf term. Like we're not dictated by that stuff.

We're not the fucking ocean. We're like, well, if it can move the ocean, you think it can't move you. Oh, dude, I can move the ocean. Yeah. It's like, no, because I have fucking thought the ocean can't think for itself. That stupid body of piss. It is. Piss.

It's animal piss. Pee-pee. Yeah. But I thought that was really fucking interesting. You ever shit in the ocean? Nope. We talked about this with Kate and Pat. Oh, you talked about this last night?

Oh, yeah, no one shit on. Yeah, yeah, I was just making sure. I would never do that because, uh, one, all shitting is disgusting. Two, like, again, most of the time there's probably blood in my stool. I'm inviting like a great white to come fucking eat me up. Yeah. And also, God, if you shit in the ocean. The way the ocean works is that's going to land on the shore.

No, it might get eaten by fish. Eat anything. I know you could shit in the end. The fish would be like, you know, much time I've wasted spitting into the water. That's what I'm saying. Fish eat it. Those stupid little idiots eat my spit. They'll they'll probably drink my piss.

They're cool with that. Big piss drinkers. They would definitely eat my shit. I've never like been submerged in a body of water and like used a poop. Used like you like let it go. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I feel like I'd be weird. You're going to jerk off in water though.

No, I don't. You do. I don't. Where does it go? It just kind of floats. It just floats. Listen to this, right? When I was younger, I was in my bath.

Yeah. And I was I was like, I'm going to jerk off in this bath, of course, because that's what kids do. They try out every setting to jerk off in. So I'm like underwater. Cool. Not as cool because it's like you can't really move as fast and it's not like, you know what I'm saying?

So it takes a while, but I was determined. And when you erupt, it kind of just looks like when you blow out a candle. And it's like, oh, smoky. Yeah, it's disgusting. And then it's just in the water with you. Well, it's not. You could have creampied yourself, Joe. You don't even know.

You don't even know that could have swam right up into your I'm sure I'm assuming. Because, you know, when you when you ejaculate, it's like, what is it like? Billions of like sperm or something like that. It's got to be one of them had to have, you know, swam. You almost impregnated yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, can you imagine I know that's what. But like you you did, I would never know like there's nothing that sounds quickly. I was like, I regret this.

What did you use for like lubrication? Just your pruney fucking hand, the water. Yeah, the water, the water. That's why let's make sure we also get this out of the way. People are always like, shower sex, disgusting, whack, awful. I need the oil, not the oils, the lubricant, the natural lubricant, the natural lubricant. And they're not there when it's the water. You just get the water and the water is not cool.

It's not. And then like you're basically like you think about it. If you're with a boy or girl, every time you pull out, there's water in there. And you're just jam packing water. Water. This is a fucking, this is ready to blow this thing. It's a lot of pressure. Turns into like a fucking whale's blowhole.

Dude, there was one time, there was one time I was in a shower with a woman. I am going to love this. And the heat was so hot of the moment or the water, like the water, everything combined was so hot. She almost passed out. Cool. So I like, she's like, I need to, and she like sat down and in my head, I'm like, oh my God, I need to get this woman help.

Because if this woman had passed out in the shower naked with me. With a boner. With a, with a bone. And you were boned. I would have been like, it's a tough position. Until she had come to, I would have had to explain a whole lot of what was going on. A whole bunch. Do you do that where like, you have to like, something happens and you think of how bad

it can get and you like, try to finagle your way out of it using words? You know what I mean? Like in that situation, I like, I didn't just think like, wow, that could have been bad. I'm like, oh my God, this could have happened. And then I would have said this and then this would have happened. I would have been arrested. Yeah. I do that too.

Yeah. You know, you go through every sort of, but yeah, I've never had a woman pass out in the shower while that was. Given it, given it was, yes, it was a, you know, giving a present of penis. What a weird way to say that. That sounds awful. How are we doing? Good.

No, no, yeah. It's never happened to me. So I don't know. But it's a scary thing to, to kind of go through that. I can imagine that would be fucking terrifying. He had the moment heat of the, wait, you had a bench in your shower? Yeah. Yeah.

I was in college at the time. Well, who likes to sit in the shower and sit and lay down baby all the time? Oh yeah. And you put your feet up. I forget you're weird. Sometimes. Hey man. It's supposed to be a sensual time.

Let me ask you a question. Ask me. You know how like, you know how like, you know how like women are like, oh, I get a shower head and I just like spray this thing on my seat. Do they go to town on their peep peeps? Yeah. That's crazy. So they like spray their penises and make some wet girl penises.

Yeah. I don't know why that's so funny. Girl's penis? Girl penis. Yeah. You know, they're vaginas or they're penis. Yeah. So like, you know how they spray their penis?

And like, it's like cool for them. Yeah. Have you ever taken a shower head and be like, I'm spraying my penis? I mean, I've sprayed my penis with a shower head. No, but like with the purpose of like, I'm going to try and enjoy this. No. It's just water. Like that's the only other thing I never understood.

Well, you've never like as an idiot kid being like, if it's cool for them, it has to be cool for me. No, no. Me, I have. Yeah? Yeah. Was it? No.

And just, just water, right? Just water. I've never. It actually kind of hurt. I was going to say I've never had a strong enough stream off of like a wand that like I can like, like it would do anything. Like that's why the thing with like women using that on themselves, it never made sense to me because I was like, that's some strong water pressure.

Yeah. It must be like, yeah. And also like, is it safe to force that much water up there? I don't, I don't think it's the up as much as it's the at. No, I know. But still, some of it's going up. It's not up at all. I mean, I'm not saying they're filling up their fucking birth canal.

Can you imagine? Yeah. That'd be cool. That would be kind of cool. I'm sure a woman out there has done that. Oh, of course. You know what I mean? Also the, there's a bunch of women out there.

I'd be willing, not willing. I'd be interested in knowing the percentages of how many women put a vegetable in their shit. That's a different story. Dude. I'm going to say it's like, like 37% though. I would say a little higher than that. I'd say 42.

You think everyone's like slammed a, I'm mostly going to say a mushroom. I mean, think about it. No one's going to worry why you have a cucumber in your fridge. You know what I mean? Like no one's going to be like, that's a weird thing. You know, like people are more afraid of finding fucking dildos than they are zucchinis. I've really want to, it's tough because I know a lot of people are worried about us judging you, but we're not going to judge you, but we really do want you to send us messages

on Instagram. No, no, no, not me. Wait, what are the messages going to say? I just want to know what's the weirdest thing they've. Yeah. Send those all to Joey. Don't send them to me. No, to the basement yard Instagram.

Oh, okay. Oh, we don't have to see it. You could just say it. I don't want to see anything. Yeah. No, no, no. Just be like, yo, one time it was an action figure. I was just kind of like whoop-de-doo.

All I, all I would need is my wife peering over me and like seeing someone wrote like, yeah, I shoved four carrots in me. And I was like, oh shit. You know, she doesn't like watch what I'm, but like at my luck, she would fucking glance over and that's what she would see. Let's even it out then. So it's not weird. Like for women, it's like, what's the weirdest thing you've kind of like done to, you know,

you've allowed to fuck you. Yes. And then for the dudes, what's the weirdest sort of lubrication are you've used? I'm trying to lubrication that I've used. Like I've used shampoo conditioner, anything you could find in a soap. Yeah. All those are dangerous. Very, very.

You get that in your whole bed, bed, bed. Yeah. You got it. You get Michael Jackson bed. It's bad. Michael Jackson bed. Another bad. Well, not that bad.

Oh, okay. I would say, I would say it would be more, I'd be more interested to know like what guys have had sex with. You know what I mean? Like slander. Like there are people that are out here like fucking like microwaved cantaloupe and stuff like that. You know, like what are they?

Oh yeah. Or like pies. Yeah. Yeah. One time I fingered a pumpkin pie. Did you really? It was very nice. For being sexy?

No. Well, like as a joke, we were filming a video for standing out of studios and I had a pumpkin pie. Oh, I might have, I might have seen that one. And I fingered it and it was super nice. Really? And I was like, if this was like, this is cool. I will say, anytime I'm like in a store and I see like the cans of like cherry pie filling,

I'm like, that could be fucked. I'd slam that. Yeah. That could definitely get, that could catch a thrust or two, you know? Well, what's like something that you think that would be like, yeah, that'd be cool. To have sex with? Yeah. Like Jello.

Um, I mean Jello, maybe. We'd break apart too much. Rice pudding. Now we're. I love rice pudding. Cinnamon. Well, not, not if I'm eating it, but not if I forget it. But just like, just, just in there, you know, because like you get like the consistency

of the rice in there. Yeah. So it adds a little bit of like. It would like mold around you. That would be cool. Yeah. But no. I don't know.

And then there are people out there that are like, you know, fucking like grapefruit. Like that would be scary. That's a lot. Oh, there was a woman who was like, teach me how to suck grapefruit. Yeah. That's been weird, dude. Yeah. I don't.

Also grapefruit is like bitter, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, maybe sprinkle a little sugar on there, you know, I know, but I feel like if you're putting that around my penis, then like. You're not going to be enjoying it. I'll tell you that. You ever cut your dick? Uh, shaving.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've done that. I used to shave my dick every time I was about to have sex. Yeah.

More than five times. I've cut myself while shaving. It was like, well, that's over with. Yeah. Not going to have sex now. Yeah. I've done that a couple times. It is not.

I am under the assumption that everyone has an STD and or eight. Jesus. Yeah. That's, well, that's how I lived my life. Oh, okay. Well, I guess that makes sense. Well, like, I mean, that's why I was like, yo condoms, if I have a cut, I'm not doing it like, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You were slamming it? Well, you had them laying around. You know, expiration dates coming up, you know, you don't want to keep them in your wallet

too long. Oh, I did. And it was like, you know, you just slam it, just slam into it. It's easy cleanup. Like you don't need to do much. I've only done it like, like three times, I think in my life. Really? Yeah.

Cause I was just like, it just felt weird. Also just like jerking off like without a condom was kind of dope too. I mean, it was way dope. It did the same. It all did the same thing. It wasn't easier to clean up. It also made my dicks smell like a balloon. You said they're smelling your dick?

No, but I can smell the smell. Smell, you waffed, you waffed the scent up to your nose. Yeah, like when you use condoms, you can smell that balloon smell. Yeah. A lot of people don't realize condom sex just sounds, it just smells like a fucking Chuck E. Cheese. It does. It smells like someone making a giraffe in the corner.

A hot pizza and a ball pit, like just a lot of elastic. Yeah. It does smell like that. Latex. What'd I say? Oh, you said plastic. I said elastic. Yeah.

When was the last time you were in a ball pit? These are fun. Not. I'll tell you. Too long ago. I went to my friend's house, DeMere. Remember DeMere? Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fifth grade, I went to DeMere's house and his mom brought us to McDonald's and we played in the ball pit at McDonald's for three hours. Dude, ball pits, I know that they're fucking cesspools and they're discussing. Oh, got a fever. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely got a fever.

They're like adult. There's like by me and Tom's River. There's like an adult playground and it's like cool ball pits. Have you been to like a trampoline park? No. Dude. They're fun, right? Dude, I jumped into that giant ass fucking like that of foam.

Fucking awesome. I also also almost broke my fucking leg doing that shit, but it's a lot of fun. We needed it. I was talking about this business idea. I know you're an entrepreneur and you're willing to throw money at things because you have too much. You know how people have like paintball places and like laser tag places? Yeah.

Get a snow machine and do a snowball fight place. It's actually tight. I'm telling you. I'm telling you, dude. Call Josh. Call Josh. Get the lawyers off the phone. And now it's copyrighted.

It'd be called snow fight. We'll work on the name. But like how fucking awesome would that be? Like in the middle of July? I mean there's so much you could do too. It could be like you can make it like a like a like sledding also. You know what I mean? Like you could have snowball fights.

You could have like sledding like a like a water park essentially. Think of like all the awesome places that you've been frozen margaritas. You could make it an alcohol place. I didn't even think about that aspect of it. Yeah dude, snowy drinks. Ooh, I like that. I like frozen shit. Oh.

Like in the summer. I'm not a frozen drink guy. What? I learned my lesson. If I go to the fucking in the summer, if I go to a bar and have anything frozen, I'm like gimme it. No. See, I used to be like that.

But then like you what I would do is I would drink it so fast that like there would just be a layer of just frost and I would just suck up all the liquid alcohol. I swear to God I didn't do that on purpose. I think I just had like a fucking stroke of some sort. You just connected five words. You struggle like a little gavel ball. And you know what? When I started doing that, because you remember when we went to Miami and we would get the

coronaritas. Yeah. Frozen. Bulldogs. Oh my God. I love them so much. Yeah. You can't let those.

Can't chug those bitches. I mean, you know, you have to. You have to. No, you can't because they're too frozen. Well, yeah, that but like you can't like let it sit in the sun because they don't fucking cook that bitch. Yeah. A warm corona.

I'd rather drink a fucking bat's blood. Well, that's how we've gotten here, Joey, apparently. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. I forget about the bat.

People, I think it's been disproven. Like people like at this point are like it's no longer bat related. It's not bat related. The Chinese made it on purpose to infect the United States. They got us. And the aliens knew it also real quick. Indian Federation, Galactic Federation, hiding in plain sight aliens. They don't have some technological ology to help us with the coronavirus.

So I'm just sitting back and like just watching this fuck ourselves in the ass. Can we cure something? Aliens? Yeah. What kind of technological ology do you have? Like the beginning of 2020, they were probably like, let's see how this year goes. Maybe we'll maybe we'll talk to you next January. And now they're like, dude, we need to wait.

Yeah. We need to wait. We need to wait a couple months because people are out there like, yo, like honestly, like the coronavirus doesn't exist. It comes from the 5G towers. Also like, so this is bear with me here. Isn't it crazy how like, let's just say hypothetically, this is true, right? That these aliens are like, we don't want to talk to the public yet because it'll cost

mass hysteria. Isn't it weird to think that humans, I guess it makes sense because now we're socializing to thinking like there are people who are in charge that should get information first. But wouldn't it be weird to know that aliens also live by that sort of weird code where it's like, there's people in charge, we'll tell them, but we won't tell the rest of the world. Yeah. You know what I mean?

If they're here, they're like, how do they know? Why are they like, I mean, I guess it's noble of them to be like, we're going to wait on you to talk to your peeps. You know, like, you know how like people would be like, you know, like, you know, invite everyone to the party and it's like, I'm waiting until I get a direct invite. It's crazy because like animals are like that too. You know what I mean? Where it's like this gorilla is clearly clearly the one who's like in charge.

So like, but if the aliens were able to get here, let's be honest, they could fuck us up. So like, why wait, you know, like, why I think they're going to fuck us up. I hope not. Well, I mean, they're being compassionate. They're like, we don't want to scare anyone. I mean, if this is real, chances are one is listening at least dope, dude, come on here, dude, come on the show.

You don't have to come now because obviously like hysteria. Yeah. Also, I'd be kind of scared to you, dude, but like, we're willing to learn that we're willing to learn and definitely got to give me like, just like, just listen, Gleekloor. Don't like, is that his name might be or her or they have a race that we like, it's like a gender. We don't mind. There's a lot of genders now.

There's tons. I think there's they've nailed all of them. Yeah. Like Gleekloor, we will listen and like, we will be compassionate. We won't like out you or like try to kill you. I just want to kiss an alien straight up. I want to like, what's their version of like beer? Like what if like, he comes down, some galactic sauce, some galactic Federation sauce.

And then like, what do you like, if they like, whatever we think is awesome on our planet, what do they have that's also awesome? Yeah. Let's start a business. Like, do they like have like a tool where they can like sit on it and they experience like pure happiness. I want that also want to get drunk off their chest. We have that.

It's called a Sibian. What's that? A Sibian. You didn't know what a Sibian is. I don't know what that is. It's like a thing that you sit on and it vibrates a lot and it gives women orgasms. Oh, it's a, it's a cum machine. Yeah.

I don't need, I'm not, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking like just like happiness and joy. I mean, it's pretty joyful to come. But then it's gone. Like I want to experience it for a while. You know, not if you keep sitting on it. I guess so. I know.

That would be torture. Once you're done, Joey, you're done. You know, like, oh, like that's, you would be like not having fun. I'm never getting it right. I don't know. Michelle's saying, but anyway, if there is an alien out there that's hiding in plain sight and you're watching this and you're like, oh my God, they're on to us. You can wait until the Federation decides that it's time for us to hear, but as soon

as we hear dude, you're coming on the show. Dude, I would love to talk to you. Seriously. And I want you to shed your human skin because we know it's fake. We get an alien before Joe Rogan does. That would be awesome. Yeah. We're probably not.

We're going to tell the joy. The girl from Queens Gambit's an alien. So tell her to come on the show, too. Really good at chess. Yeah. Anyway, where can I find you, Frank? I always think about like, how are people going to categorize like the summary of the show?

No fucking clue. One time someone made this thing and I posted it. I think I posted it on the Instagram, but they wrote out every single topic that we talked about and it was like a full page of everything. And it was just literally like this dot this dot this dot like each topic and it just filled the entire page. And I was like, this is a fucking mess. If someone does that with this episode or any of our episodes, I'd be pretty impressed.

Yeah. Yeah. FAlbers8085 on Twitter and on Twitch. If you want to come hang with me and play video games and then the Frank Albers on Instagram. I know you hate when I talk like that. Yeah. Guys, go follow the show at the base mirror and you can follow me on social media at Joe Sanagato.

And our Patreon, patreon.com slash the base we already get every episode a week in advance and you also get a bonus episode every single week of this show on there as well. And that's all. See you guys next time. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa.

Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Holidays. All of them. All of them. All of the stuff. All of them. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays.

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