The Basement Yard - #279 - My Presidential Cabinet

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Frank & Joe design their very own presidential cabinet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going, buddy? Good. Why do you- oh, why are you like winding up, getting ready? Why are you so loud? I don't know. Yeah, what is your voice right now? I don't know. You sound like a sexy morning voice. Thank you.

Well, it's the afternoon. This morning, do you ever do like in the mornings when you wake up, you see like what is going to be like the first thing you say and how you say it? What the fuck? I don't even know what you just said. You don't do that? Say it again. So like when I wake up in the mornings, I often like I go as long as I can without talking to see like,

what is it going to be my first word today? Do you really do that? Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes. Like sometimes I can't. Well, like Miles runs in the room and it's like, oh, good morning. But like sometimes when when he's with his dad, you want to have a cool word and like not just a cool word, but like,

you just want to be like two in the afternoon and be like rambunctious. No, that would be good. That's a good word. No, but like, for instance, my first word today was- This is sick, by the way. Why is it sick? It's sick behavior. I take meaning and I take umbrage and meaning in the words that I say, Joey.

I'm not just fucking spitting out verbal diarrhea like you. You sick fuck. What are you a monk? No, but what is this? But that would be a good idea for you to become a monk. No, but like can monks fly? That's a serious question. Like with in a plane in it.

No, like in it like as a like real like they could float. Oh, I don't know. But there are ones that like figured out like how to like just like be peaceful. Right. Well, no, you know, monks are interesting because they shave their heads. I don't know if that's right. Do they shave their balls? Well, I think, yeah.

Well, no. They have eyebrows, don't they? I don't know. What's the whole point? I think it's just be silent, be still and like treat animals well. And live in a mountain. And live in- Those are like the three things, like a monastery.

A monastery, that's what it is. You need to live in a monastery. Yeah, that's what it is. Have you ever met- I was gonna say mausoleum, different thing. Yeah, big, you die in one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You live when you're dead in those.

Right. Have you ever met a monk? Well, no, because I live in New York City. They might be around, you never know. Well, have you met one? I don't know, maybe. You remember those people that would be like, there would be in like Manhattan, like protesting like kids in cages and shit.

And they were always in like kind of like monk like garb? No. You never saw that? No, I thought you were just talking about like liberals. No. Like, like keep kids out of cages, you know? That's something we could all get by. We all, we all like that.

Unless they're misbehaving, then put them in a cage. Right in it, right in the sun. But like the people that are like there, it's like some sort of like Chinese political movement where it's like, you know, like this is going on. Don't do this. And they're like cages. Yes.

And they're like people in cages to like show like as a, as some sort of a fucking demonstration. Yes. Oh, do you remember that? Nope. You don't remember this? They're all over the place. I, dude, I've never seen a person in a cage.

Oh, I've seen people in cages. I don't know if I've ever seen a person in a cage in real life. Yeah, we did. When we filmed Keith too. Well, that's a fake cage. Oh, Keith three. Well, I've been inside of a dog cage as well. Well, that's a kennel.

Yeah. Yeah. We're talking about a cage. I wonder all these vegans that are so like, listen, don't eat meat. Where do you draw the line? What do they think about putting their animals in cages? What do you mean?

Like if they're like, where do you draw the line? Will you eat a dog? It's like, first of all, maybe second of all, also, I have a, I have a conspiracy that I made up. Let's, let's hear it. Are you allowed to do that? You absolutely. That's what a conspiracy is.

Exactly. So I most of them, by the way, made up just like yours. Well, this is just a theory. I guess we'll call it a theory about vegans, right? Because vegans have like this thing. Not that I have any problem with vegans. You know what I'm saying? Like your thing.

I love your cheese. I honestly do. Really? You're a big vegan cheese boy? I try to like substitute my cheeses as much as I can. I've never had it. Yeah. Oh, I have had vegan cheese, but it's all sucked.

Go on. Cheddar is good. I've tried. We're going to move on. But I have a conspiracy about the vegans. I think, you know, cause like there's a conspiracy behind like, okay, you don't have meat this and that, but a lot. But here's what I think.

I think maybe it's a possibility nation that it's a possibility nation that the powers that be that are the vegan, you know, overlords. Yeah. You know, who are lizards? They they're not lizards. They're plants, Joey. Well, plants eat lizards.

No, lizards eat plants. We're going to move forward. Keep going. Keep going. I can't get this out one shot. Okay. I'm going to start from the beginning. Okay.

We're going to start from the top. Right from the top. I have a theory about the vegan overlords, you know, powers that be that they want to kill the poor and the re and how they're going to do that is to push this agenda of like, we need to be healthier. We need to have organic and whatever. And what happens when they do that?

You ever go to Whole Foods? You get almond butters like $800. Okay. So poor people can't afford that. Well, you know, a lot of people can only can afford is fast food, fast food. By the way, you might as well need to pack cigarettes. The only reason why you don't need to pack cigarettes is

because those are expensive. Those are pretty expensive. Yeah. Can't feed a family of four with a single stick. Yeah. No shot. So, you know, they make the food so expensive so that poor people can't afford the healthy food so that the poor dies

out and then we have a healthy rich population. I think the irony that like some of the people that I know that are such like proud vegans are also such proud liberals that are trying to fight. Right. You know, for like the elitists of this nation got to go and fuck themselves. It's like, listen, you're paying $300 for a slice of bread.

Yeah. It's Ezekiel bread and it's made from seeds. Yeah, listen, yeah, exactly. I don't want to talk about your sprout bread. Okay. You know, but it is funny because like we were having this conversation not long ago was it really is like. It's expensive.

It's fucking expensive. Yeah. To eat healthy is hard. It's not cheap. It's not only hard because we all have a sugar addiction because of that, you know, they're putting steroids in the chickens. Literally, I've watched the steroid being just injected

into chickens in a documentary. Not like in the supermarket. I was just saying, where were you saying this? No, no, no, they literally just like, they put a fucking needle in a chicken and they just pump it full of God knows who. But then you need it. It's not even just the steroids.

You need to then work out and stay active. Like what are these chickens doing? Like push-ups and shit. You think I know if it's steroids or not. It's a syringe going into a thing and it gets bigger. It's steroids to me. That could be just like collagen, like lip implants. Maybe they just do that to like the chicken breasts.

Probably all chickens are getting tit jobs, boob jobs. Free. Wow. That's what it is. That's what it is. Think about it. Think about it. Now I got a conspiracy.

Think about it right here. So you go into a supermarket and what is the first thing that is the most physically appealing and you need to touch? It is the packets of chicken breasts. Why? Because they look like what boob implants look like. So you go over. You slap them.

You slap them. Everyone slaps the raw meat. I slap raw meat. Everyone slaps the raw meat. And so what the current state of chicken breasts in this nation are basically just boob jobs by plastic surgeon farmers. So the chicken that we're eating is all just like fake.

You had me in the beginning and then you lost your way. A little bit. A little bit. No, listen to what I'm saying. So like who's running the world? I just want to know that. Who's burning it down? All of us.

Well, no, like plastic surgeons. Yeah. OK. Yeah. So all of the lizard overlords are plastic surgeons. In most spare time. Well, of course they have to. They have to look.

They have to look at last long. Look a certain way. They have to last long. I mean, have you ever heard of a plastic surgeon dying? No. Exactly. I don't think any of it. Yeah.

No. You've never heard. You ever? And they all don't look like they're going to die. Yeah. They all continuously, like in their 70s, look like they're in their 20s. Because what they do is the blood that they take from the plastic

surgery they drink. Yeah. OK. That's a conspiracy too. I know. They drink in kid blood. Hillary Clinton's like slamming child blood. She might be.

Dude, that's to take a lot for me. You ever like get a cut and you put it to your mouth? It's not good. It's metal. Blood's gross. It's all full on metal. I don't know if I could drink the blood. Like don't get me wrong.

I would love to be in a position where I'd be invited to a meeting where we're going to drink a bunch of blood and like live forever. I would love to be in that and I would fully, I just want to, I just want to be on record right now. If I had the chance to be in these like freemason meetings and we're all going to like, you know, drink blood from children or something, I'd have that blood.

Yeah. Just because I would, you know, you want to live forever and I'm selfish. You want to live forever? You want to see everyone around you die? No, I don't want to see that. Well, then there you go. That's what's going to happen.

Well, but I also, I feel like I would have FOMO. I don't want to miss out on whatever's going to come. That's fair enough. That's fair. I appreciate that. Yeah. Put the blood in. People would extreme FOMO are the ones that are drinking the blood of children.

Yeah. So I think that, you know, obviously, and honestly, I would say this like obviously, like, you know, I'll drink blood from a child, but I won't, I won't, I won't put them in a cage because that's, that's messed up. That's where, because it taints the blood because it stresses the blood out, just like these cage-free eggs.

Exactly. You know, Becca says it all the time. She's like, I feel the difference between regular eggs and cage-free eggs. Wait, did she say that? Yes. Oh, can I just say something? Idiot. I hate her.

She says it all the time. Idiot. She says, but that's it. She says she feels the difference in the eggs. She says she tastes the difference in the eggs. Okay, she does. I know. Okay.

I know. But I will say this too. But there is like such things as like these cows that are in Japan that are getting treated like they're going to like pedicures and stuff. That's some good meat. That wagyu beef, that shit is high-end. Wait, they, they, they, they, they paint their nails? They, like, they do it all.

They give them like, Cat rubs. Cat rubs. You know, like they're like cleaning them with like brushes and stuff. You know what I never understood? This idea of being like, oh, it's cage-free. So I feel better about it. It's like, yeah, you're killing a fucking animal.

Like, yeah, I was, I watched Super Size Me 2. Did you watch it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So Super Size Me 2 is all about the chicken industry. It was made like two, three years ago. They're fucked up. Well, he goes over that.

And basically it's like this whole thing where it's like free-range chickens. Yay! It's like free-range chickens is putting them in this room and putting a cage a foot away from that door. Yeah. That's technically free-range or some shit like that. Yeah, like they're not out on like a big farm in Wisconsin. What do you think they're doing?

Just like going on a fucking chicken ferris wheel? Yeah, they're sun tanning. No, and they're still getting popped the same way every other chicken's getting popped. That's what I'm saying. It's like, it's fucked up. And I honestly, when I watch those things, I'm like, yo, I'm not eating. A lot of those chickens die from like, they have like heart attacks and anxiety attacks. Well, dude, they also put chickens like in a tiny cage

and like there's like 40 from in there. It's honestly terrible. And like we're joking around, but it's honestly terrible. Yeah. But, oh man. It's good, it's good. It's good, it's good. It's good, it's good.

It's good, it's good. It's good, it's good. It's good, it's good. You know, I'm too far gone. I will, I will be one of those people where they're like, oh, you're like, where, where, where are you going to draw the line? Like, listen, I understand it's a fucked up industry, but Charles Darwin, people liked him.

If survival of the fittest, if a chicken grew up and was able to eat me, that chicken would. Also, that's another. Why do we not get upset about fucking alligators attacking people? Children. Again. You, you fucking idiot. He put an alligator in a cage, honestly, because those are eating children

and the cages aren't eating children. I've had alligator jerky. Have you had it? No, I haven't. It's very like, it's stringy. Or it's like, it's like a grainy grainy. You have to chomp. Like you have to.

That's making me uncomfortable. Well, so, but like, that's the thing. These hypocrites, they don't get upset. They got upset when we kill a fucking chicken and eat it, but they won't get upset when we get eaten by an alligator. Cause they're like, the alligator is supposed to do that. Well, so are we? Well, I think that it's people are, here's the thing, right?

I think people are okay with you eating meat as long as you go out and you hunt it like Joe Rogan or some shit. Cause if you work, if you work for. Yeah, I think he does. I think he eats anything he kills. Yeah, but you have to, you, and that's not. So then where do we draw the line there? You vegans and pieces of shit.

Like if I killed Joey right now and I eat him, is that okay? Cause I killed him. No, that's, that's Hannibal Hannibal. That's a cannibal cannibal. Close Hannibal was a cannibal. That was a movie. Um, but yeah, no. So, uh, you have to kill it with like, uh, you know, a hunting knife.

So like rocks. So if I go out there with a rock, so if I go out there and beat a dog with a rock and then eat it, it's cool in China. All right. And that's not racist cause they do eat dogs. They've openly expressed that they believe that they are a delicacy. Yeah. But all right.

In the US, I go outside. You can't kill a dog. I go outside and I fucking bash a pigeon with a rock. Is it cool? Like, is it like, oh, it's like the way we've been doing it for a million years. Um, it's definitely not cool. I think that some people would be like, keep an eye on that guy though. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I think you get a lot of more eyes on you. Yeah. That makes sense. Which you don't want, but you know, depends on what I'm looking to do. That's true. But if you're beating up pigeons, I think you, I would say this too.

I've watched a lot of murder docs and a lot of those kids used to like hit. Yeah. They're full on beating up like cats. Well, yeah. They burn cats and they hit birds with like, uh, what's that thing? Like a slingshot. Yeah. So yeah.

Dude, where did the slingshots still exist? Um, I knew someone that had a wrist rocket and those things are fucking terrifying dude. Those things can do damage. Hell yeah. It was like the ones that like you put your hand in and it like braced right here. Yeah.

And then you fucking bang. Why, why? That's a dangerous thing. Cause that was like a cool toy for kids in like the 60s when they had nothing else to do with their time. Well now it's like, it's, I mean, I'd rather have a wrist rocket than people have like guns. Yeah.

Well, the kids that had wrist rockets growing up now have all the guns. Right. Yeah. Not all of them. Most of them. Well, I don't know that. I would say I can confidently. You know, now that we've been on both sides of the animal argument, I don't

really know what people are going to think of our opinion. I gotta be honest. I don't even know where we are right now. I don't know what my opinion on it even is. Yeah. I'm like, I'm all for like being vegan and being vegetarian. Like all jokes aside, like I try to substitute as many things as I can into my diet.

Like I do. I have, I eat a lot of plant based shit for the most part, but I just think it's funny when people have a very strong opinion about something and it's like, there's hypocrisy on both sides here. Like, yeah, you're not supposed to like, you know, this is like a table full of like little chicks and like there's a grinder and you're like, all right. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like that's bad. You know, go, go, go, go. Yeah. We're laughing because we're uncomfortable. Yeah. But also if we're going to put all this stuff that's super healthy and can save the world and like, especially there's been a lot of talk of, uh, you know, vegan foods and like being organic and more healthy as a population just in

general, and that would avoid, that would prevent, uh, you know, a pandemic or these diseases, diseases spreading like that because everyone have a better immune system, all this shit. It would be a lot easier to get there if bread wasn't $400. Yeah, I mean, the whole fucking everything about this world is a piece of shit in a lie. Let's just make sure we start. Yeah.

Like McDonald's is a dollar because it's made out of cigarettes. Yes. You know what I mean? Exactly. That's basically what it is. You're eating all chicken nuggets are delicious. Guess what you're eating? Toe nail clippings.

Yeah, dude. That's not a McChicken. Yeah. That's a Toyota. Yeah. That's a Corolla. All right. You're not eating food.

It's not. It's a Toyota Corolla. But then when they hear a bun from McDonald's, they're fucking, I don't know what they are. It feels like a like a fake mushroom. Like it's like a hard, it's, it's weird. It is weird. But it's so good.

It's good. It's so good. I mean, it's chip packed sugar in there. It is so good. Sugar and just fucking filth. Sodium, dude. Oh, it's so good. But fuck it.

Yeah. Well, no. Yeah. Don't like put your penis in a McDonald's thing. We're talking about like, I mean, maybe the McFlurries. Those things are fucking destroyed. I'm going, I'm going knuckled deep in a McFlurry. That's for sure.

Hell yeah. I have not. I didn't put my penis in. Oh, I bet I'm like, oh, you think. You fingered it. Well, to get like a, like a, like a M&M out. I didn't like finger it for sex. Oh, you know, it comes with a spoon, right?

Yeah. I don't understand those spoons with the McFlurries, by the way. What the fuck is that? That's what they used to twist them. But like, what the fuck is the spoon for the McFlurry? Why is there like a hole in it? Why is it like? Because that's what they put into the thing to twist, to, to mix it.

What? What? So, so, okay. Say this is the McFlurry machine. Okay. Mm-hmm. Fucking idiot. Okay.

All right. I'll use this one. The prop one. Say this is the McFlurry machine. Okay. And I have a cup of McFlurry here. This is, this is like poking out here, like a little wing-wang. Okay.

Okay. And then I put, this is the spoon. I'm lacking my props. Yeah. This is the spoon. They push it into it. And like the hole in the spoon goes into the wing-wang. And that's what they use to, oh, to mix it.

To mix it. That's what I fucking said. Okay. But why would they do that with the spoon? Why don't they just have a mechanism that mixes all of them? Because then you got to clean it. Lazy. It's smart.

It's lazy. Productivity, dog. They're efficient. Which McFlurry do you get? Oreo. Oh, you're an idiot. Why? The M&M's one is cool.

No, because eating frozen M&M's is like chewing on rocks. Well, they're not frozen. Yes, they are. Yeah. Maybe if you go to a fucking rundown McDonald's. Rundown? Yeah, the one I go to has a lot of electronic screens. It's got money.

They've had stepped their game up. Yeah, it's nice. We've got a machine that works. Gone are the days of the bubble screens. You remember those where it was like a plastic screen and the soda popped out? Like it was like a pop-up book? Yes, yes, yes. Those are the good old days.

It was a good day. Also, have you ever donated to one of those things? The Rundown McDonald's house? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck is that? What is a Rundown McDonald's house? Nothing about that looks like it's secure. It's just like a piece of plastic covered by a metal bar.

Dude, I've never- I know it's a charity and it's good. It is a charity and we're all about charity on this show. But Ronald McDonald, dude, I wouldn't give that guy a dollar. I've never been more sure that someone's got some skeletons in his closet. Yeah, we're basically donating to that. You're donating to the house of a thousand corpses. You're just waiting on him to walk out and just murder everybody.

He's, you know, I think they got rid of him too. Ronald McDonald? I haven't seen him. No, he's the face of the Donald. I think it's the arches now. I think they got rid of him. Just those golden arches, huh? I wonder if you've seen Ronald.

I haven't seen Ronald. I haven't seen Ronald in a while either. I have like red char- Do you remember how good the fucking McDonald's toys used to be back in the day? Yeah, I used to collect them hard. Dude, I have gotten some of like the old ones, like off of like eBay and stuff. They're fucking awesome. Yes, I'm an adult.

You went on eBay and paid money for Happy Meal toys. From back in the day. What? You know, I like to collect stuff. But like what? Just do me a favor. I know I asked for a raise. I'm going to-

Don't give me one. Well, no. I don't know what you're going to do next. Don't give me one. I bought old cigarette butts. No, but like, I bought like, they had like, remember like Happy, like you used to get like, collectible glass cups. Like, you remember those fucking, the McDonald's Batman Forever cups?

No. You don't remember these? They were glass? Yeah, I have two of them. They were handing out glass. Yes. You don't, you really don't remember these. It sounds crazy now.

It sounds crazy, but like, they were fucking awesome. Um... Handing out glass to people who would show up to a McDonald's dude? You don't, you really don't remember these. No. I have two of them and I want to get the full set. Oh, there you go. It's right there.

It's right there. Oh. Oh, I do remember these. They don't make them like that anymore. Those are kind of cool. They're kind of fire. And then like, I have like the- Dude, yeah.

Oh, with the- Oh. Yeah. You remember that with the question mark handle? Yes. Oh, these are tight. That's what I'm saying. Those are cool.

Those are cool. Oh, now. Oh, now. Well, I thought you were talking about buying a little like fucking Pikachu or some shit. Well, I- You know what I'm saying? A little Beagle board. I may have.

What did I just say? Beagle board. I, uh, I'm also buying these, um, if you remember these. You probably know- Like McDonald's too. This is from Burger King. Like, they don't make them like they used to anymore, Doug. Well, I do remember these.

For Pokemon the first movie, the gold cards. I know. It's expensive. These are $150. For a complete set, though, Joey. It's a complete set. You're buying $150. You got Pikachu.

You got Polly Whirl. There's a Charizard here. You got a Charizard and Jigglypuff. No, no, no. That's a Mewtwo, cause- And there's a Mewtwo one in there? No, we're talking about some money here. I think there was a couple more.

There was only four in that picture. Polly Whirl, Mewtwo. Mewtwo. Who is this? Jigglypuff? Oh, Jigglypuff. I think Togepi's in there. No, no, no.

Togepi. I think Togepi's in there. No, that's a Charizard, Doug. No, but there's also a Togepi one. Yeah, I do remember these, but- That's what I'm saying. Like, they don't make that shit like that anymore. Now you get a fucking, like, basically like shampoo-bottled toy.

Yeah, and also you get- Diadoodle. You get a couple of Diadoodles. That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Aw, man. The good old days. I would love a snack wrap right now, though.

I'm not even gonna lie to you. No, what's your go-to, like, if you're just gonna ruin your day, what is your go-to fast food order? Where are you going? What are you getting? If I- All right, I'm gonna give you three fast foods spots, and then you tell me what you're getting. Okay?

Okay. We know what you're getting, eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leaking butt. Black tar butt stuff. Yup. Maconium, or whatever it was. Mechanonia.

Mechanonia from the Patreon episode that you can check out now at Basement Yard, Patreon.patreon.com slash the Basement Yard. We crushed it. Guess what? We did the one chip challenge. And by we, I mean me. And by did, I mean cried through it. Yeah.

Guys, go to Patreon. Check it out. We get an extra episode every single week. At 8,000 Patrons, I'm gonna give myself an end-up month. Yeah, yeah. And we're at 7,200 right now, so we're 800 away from me just spraying something in this ice. In the ice.

And we're climbing up the rankings of the best Patreons. Yes, yes. So I'm gonna check again next week to see where we're at, but we were at 28 last week, so we'll see where we are. All right. So I'm gonna give you three. I don't know. I'm gonna give you four.

I'm gonna give you a couple. Fast food spots. Go. And you tell me your order. All right. Go. Easy. McDonald's.

What? Okay. What am I trying to do? Are you trying to, like I'm really trying to ruin myself? You're trying to ruin your whole week. Okay. So if I go to McDonald's, I'm trying to ruin my day. Yes.

I'm gonna get two McChickens, a snack wrap. I'm gonna get a large fry. No, no, no. I'm gonna get two. No, no, no. I'm not gonna get a snack wrap. I'm gonna get a large fry. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get like the biggest size vanilla shake they could possibly do.

And then I'm gonna dip the fries into the shake after I finish both snack wraps in record time. That, first of all, that fry in the shake thing? Terrifying. Fuck you all the way. Oh, it's good. It's disgusting all the way. No, no, no.

Fuck that fry. Second. Fuck you. Second. Okay. Burger King. Burger King. I'll be honest with you.

I've never really ventured into Burger King that often. That was the Burger King over at McDonald's, boy. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. I would probably just get a Big Mac, a large fucking, something disgusting like a Dr. Pepper. I don't really have any to drink a Mountain Dew because. Because you haven't gotten there yet.

Not that. I haven't had sex with any of my siblings. Not yet, yeah. So I can't, I can't have that yet. He's coming for you, Keith. One day, Keith. But yeah, so maybe I'll get a Dr. Pepper though because I am, you know, a little bit of white trash.

Yeah, a bit, bit. You know they advertise that as a cinnamon soda? What? It's not cinnamon. It is, it is pavement. Yeah. That's the flavor. Pavement soda.

It's asphalt. Yeah. It's good though. It is. But anyway, yeah. And then probably, don't they have like a, what, the chicken fries? Yeah, chicken fries. Fuck you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? All right. Taco Bell. Well, they got rid of it, but I would get the Doritos Los Tacos. Oh, yes. I would get. You get a little Doritos Taco, yes.

Yes, yes. Yo quiero. I would get two cool ranch ones. Then I would get two soft tacos. Oh. And then I would. Taco Supremes with the sour cream? No.

I would get two, just two soft tacos, like the small ones. All right. So no sour cream. Or whatever it comes with. I don't know. Go on. And then I would get also sometimes talking about this makes me sweat by that. I would also get a quesadilla.

What is wrong with me? Why? Why would you do all of that? Because what is it? Not enough food, Joe? Literally. I would eat that. It's on Northern Boulevard.

And by the time I got home, I had to shit. I'm not even kidding. Not even having to shit. You would be fucking like, it would be a water park in your asshole. I would do a trick though. So here's the trick, right? Because this is when I lived at home and like I didn't have an apartment building where I had to get an elevator come up, open my door and stuff.

I just had a door. I had to get through my bathroom. It's right there. Yep. So I would eat in my car so that my, my intestines were a little folded. You know what I'm saying? So when you stood up, they just like. When I stood up, it was like, yo, go time, bitch.

Yeah. Like the, the doors opening in the Lord of the Rings, the two towers. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? The doors of Hogwarts and the kids marched in. Different movie, but close enough. I know. Yep.

Both magic. Okay. That's good. All right. Popeyes. Oh, I would get a five piece spicy chicken. Oh yeah. Extra biscuit.

Fuck the biscuit. Oh, what's your sign? Honestly, it really depends. Sometimes I get like the Cajun fries or sometimes, sometimes I get that mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes are fired. I got the, I got the mac and cheese last time I got it. I've had that once before and I was like, this is kind of like. It's just, it's just macaroni and just no flavored cheese.

It honestly just tastes like macaroni, but it actually, the whole soup. I feel like I'm eating the container it's coming in. You know what I mean? Like I feel like I'm eating Styrofoam or something. All right. Good for you. Are there any other? You know what I haven't had in a long, long time?

Wendy's. One time I walked into a white castle with $5 and walked out stuffed. Swear to God. And like, I'm not, you know, I wasn't born in 1970 or anything. This was recent history. Walked in with $5, left fully satisfied. Insane, insane. Dude, you, I kid you not.

I remember I went to a fucking, after I saw Transformers Age of Extinction. It was a rise and fall. One of the Transformers movie, I went at like 1 a.m. to a white castle. And I kid you not, by 3 a.m. my body, like there was fucking grease coming out of my pores. Yeah, you had hives. It was, hives. I had high, I'm leaving your asshole right now. That's what I had.

It was fucking disgusting, but so good. Yo, White Castle's fucking crazy, dude. You know how fucking disgusting it got to be? To be like, yo, all of our burgers are $0.18. And by the way, we'll just pack them into a cardboard suitcase for you to take. Like you're going on a business trip. The fact that they're like, yo, we don't give a fuck about how we get it to you. We're just going to put it in a suitcase and slide it across like it's a drug deal.

Dude, a suitcase? They're selling suitcases filled with hamburgers and we bought them. We did. Yeah, they were good. It's insane. And the regular, not the chicken ones. Oh, remember the chicken rings they had? Did you ever have those?

Chicken rings. Daddy, dad's home. I'm very good. Dad, open up. I'm home. I can't believe your ass. Oh, God almighty. Those fucking, it's so good, but it's so bad for you.

Full transparency. We had other things to talk about. Out the window. You just gone now. I mean, dude, I... Do you consider... I haven't had fast food in so long. What are you going to say?

I had it a couple... I haven't had it in 2021. My goal is to go the whole calendar year without getting fast food. I've literally gone like maybe three years without it. Really? See, it's different for me because Miles, you know, like we drive... He loves that shit. And, you know, there's some nights where Becca's exhausted.

I get home from work and it's like, let's just pick something up quick, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's also significantly cheaper than fucking ordering. Yeah. Do you consider like Five Guys and Chipotle and fast food? Dude, Five Guys is hilarious. It's so good. You ever look at a Five Guys, like at least McDonald's like, yeah, we know they're serving us fucking poison.

They're like, yo, we make shit? Watch us. Yeah, but like... And you're still going to eat it. And not only that, but like you can... Like when you look at a McDonald's burger, you're like, okay, at least this is like neat. You go to Five Guys and it looks like the most... It looks like a burger that's so unmade with like at a thousand, like...

Go, go, go ahead. I'm going to back up. Go ahead. Go ahead. Call Josh. You need the help? Just cut this out. I'm going to redo that.

You go to Five Guys, right? No, you go to McDonald's. You go to McDonald's. The burgers are neat. They look nice. But when you go to Five Guys, it just looks like someone made it. Like with this amount of strength, just like... Here.

Dude, the burgers like mashed and soaking wet. And with that fucking look on their face too, they're just like... Oh, cheese. All the cooks. All the cooks at Five Guys like just got cheated on or divorced. Like they have a lot of shit going on in their personal life and they're making this shit out of those burgers. And then they try to dress it up by wrapping it in tin foil and they fucking Randy Johnson launched this burger into a paper bag that is just covered in oil.

And there's fucking fries everywhere. Dude, you open a bag from Five Guys, there's fries like... Dude, in the brown paper bag and then somehow in the plastic bag. They throw... They fucking launch this burger into this bag. They put a cup in and then they just go... And they're launching fries at this fucking... They're not even like trying to get it in the bag.

They're just throwing it in its direction. It's an angry place. Yeah, their burgers are fire. So good, dude. I don't know what those D4 says are doing like behind there, but that shit is good. Dude, they are crushing it and they are pissed the whole time. Oh, dude. The best food is made with the extra.

Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. Have you ever had one of their hot dogs? They sell hot dogs. They sell hot dogs. How do you fast food a fast food?

He knocked the cord out. Oh, Jesus. If I did that... Josh, Josh, Josh. Okay. Give me the phone real quick. Just give me the phone. Yeah, you got it.

Josh clipped that. So when I fire him, he's... I got... It killed that. I have reason. No, yo, I... Yo, five guys is such a piece of shit, but it's so good. It's so good.

I love five guys. It's so fucking good. I haven't had five guys. Oh, yo, also Shake Shack. It's like, yo, we're going to do the same thing, but in a cooler store. But yeah, they're like, we try to be a little fancier with crinkle cut fries. Yeah, they don't call it shakes. They call us this frozen custard.

The frozen thing. The frozen thing. Custard. Clue. I don't want this shit. Go kill me in the fucking library. The annex. Geek.

I don't want this shit in a cup. Bro, it's not custard. It's a shake. It's a shake. What's a custard? What is custard? I think custard is just like cream. It's cummy mustard.

It's... I ruined that fight. Fuck, you did. You did. It's like cream that is like under intense stress. I think like behind the like, in Shake Shack, it's just screaming at cream. And they're just... You're fucking...

You're worthless. They came from... They're dead. Is it not a shake? It's... Yeah. I think the difference is like, like flan is like a custard. How it's like creamy, you know?

By the way, flan doesn't really look cool. Oh, it's great though. No, it's good. But like, we need to make this better. Yeah. First of all, give me something bigger. Like, why am I getting something that's still served in a fucking Dixie cup? It's 2021.

Figure it out. Like, these people are like, oh, I'm... Can I have the flan? Yeah. And it comes on a fucking triangle plate like this big. I want to talk about food real quick. Yeah. And I know you're going to like, be upset by this.

Because it's going to be racist. No. No, I was going to say, the idea of a blooming onion... Dude, it's just absurd. It's so fucking absurd. Here's an onion. You like it? You like it?

I'm thrown at Noyel. I know someone. Here's a whole onion. Dude. I'll have the onion. Dude. What? My brother-in-law, Adam, is a fucking modern marvel of science.

Because this guy, he's like six foot one, like 140 pounds soaking wet. And now he eats better. But he ate like the goop off the street. Nice. He ate one year for like a snack, like or a meal, went and got two blooming onions and ate it. What does that do? He's alive.

He's alive somehow. How can that happen? It's, I don't know. Also, how could you eat that much? He's a modern marvel of science. He would also like, you know, for lunch, I had like a couple of 7-Eleven taquitos and Mountain Dew. And I was like, yo, if my body had that, I kid you not.

It would be the capital riot in my fucking blood. Like people would be pissed about what happened there. Dude, yeah. No, if I had a sip of a Mountain Dew recently, I think, weren't you there? Why the fuck did I have a Mountain Dew? If I was around when you had a Mountain Dew, I would make it very clear. No, it was like, oh no, it was, Marco was here. He was shooting something for Pepsi.

And like, because Mountain Dew's a Pepsi product. Yeah, I know that. So he had a Mountain Dew. And I was like, dude, I need to take a sip of that. Just to like, no, because I haven't had it in so long. So when I drank this thing, I had horrible nightmares that night. Dude, it was crazy. I had all types of shit.

Like people screaming at me in my face every night. I love, I also like, I love how they like try to be like, oh, Mountain Dew. But if you want to be cooler, here's Code Red. Yeah. Here's Baja Blast. Also, everything Code Red is like dangerous. Yeah. Yeah.

Like why are you drinking something that's literally trying to tell you it's like Def Con 8? Yeah. I'm saying it's like, Code Red is like, yo, sound the alarm. Let's get the fuck out of here. We have a weird, Americans have like a weird obsession with that. Like things that are hot. Mountain Dew pandemic. Yeah.

You're like, this must be good. Yeah. Well, in fucking, I remember when I used to go to Hooters a lot, when I was sad, I would get wings and it was like, one of the flavors was like, Atomic Island. Yeah. Bikini atoll. Like have these wings, they're genocide. Yeah.

And you're like, what's wrong with Jesus? It's like mild, hot, barbecue, genocide. And you're like, I don't want that. Yeah. And seriously, like we like name things that are like terrible after fucking awful people and like awful like situations where it's like, oh, what flavor do you want? We have, we have hot. We have mild.

We have a white peppercorn. It's a dry rub. And then we have Chernobyl meltdown. It's like, Jesus Christ. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, you know what? On that note, let's get to the strength of the show, baby. Okay.

I'm sure they all enjoy the Chernobyl jokes. If you want to, yeah, guess what? Who's the first friend? The first friend of the show is Peter, not going to be happy with the beginning. Oh, my God. Are you sponsored as Peter? I thought you were just going to take out a little thing of paint and throw it at me and be like, Peter will fucking ruin your coat.

Yeah. I don't think that is that. That's what they do. Okay. Well. What are we doing today? This is one of the better episodes. Oh, okay.

This is kind of funny transition. But first that we have today, better help. If you've got stuff going on, they need to talk about better help has online counseling. They connect you with a online counselor. They have physicians or whatever they're called. I honestly don't know right now because I'm losing it. My brain is melting. But they have people who are talking to you, licensed professionals.

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So go get it. Joinhoney.com slash basement bang pal. I got to admit, Joey, trying to go this whole year without having fast food is going to be real hard after today. Why? Oh, because we're talking about it. It's so good. You never answered my question though. Like, do you consider places like Chipotle and five guys fast food?

Do I what? Consider places like Chipotle and five guys fast food. I know by like definition where it's like you get food fast. Like, sure. No, I think they, I think they are. Chipotle though. Oh, you've never had Chipotle because you're afraid of what it will do to your bowels. Isn't that correct?

Yeah, I would have it, but I just, I haven't. Because at this point. Because you're a terrified little boy. Well, I only had like one real opportunity, well, two opportunities to have it. One of them I wasn't hungry and the other one we were driving back from your college. And I was like, I'm not about to have Chipotle and then sit in the car. Like you're crazy. Like I need to be in a place.

That's a good time. Good old time. Good time. Also, we have a fun little thing we're going to do in the second half of the show. Which is right now. Right now. We have a new president right now. Oh yeah.

New POTUS. We have a new boat. New POTI. So yeah, Joe Biden's now the president officially and you know, we decided that, you know. We need to pick our cabinet. We need to pick our cabinet if we were president. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Because a lot of people saying they would vote for me as president. First of all, don't. Don't do that. Yeah. But yeah, so we just hypothetically, you know, if we had to pick, you know, our cabinet, who would it be? You know, because I think that I'm good at, you know, spotting talent. Yo, I would crush you in a debate if we were running for president.

Yeah, right. Dude, I would fucking nail you. Dude. What? In a debate? Or like. Yeah. No, in a debate.

Oh. I would fuck you like up in a debate. No, no. Yeah. Let's debate something right now. I'll rail you. Let's debate something right now. Your hat is stupid.

Debate why it's not. No. Because it's cool. All right. Whatever. Nailed it. But yeah, so we picked out certain. I mean, yo, the cabinet, by the way.

It's long. Let me just say this. Presidential like cabinet. What are we talking? What is that? We need to name it something cooler, like the armory. That's a cool one. The presidential armory.

Yeah, the cabinet. No one's like, what is the kitchen? No one's going to be like, oh my God, it's so prestigious to be in the president's cabinet. It's like, what are we the fucking? Yeah, it's going to be stupid. Name it the closet. Because a lot of politicians got them. I mean, whatever.

Not the cabinet though. Because that's not, that's the least. Yeah, that's not cool. Let's say, name it the presidential armory or the presidential brigade. Ooh, I like that. The presidential brigade. Or the team. Yeah, that's a little too, like, stupid.

Squaw. Nah. I don't know. But anything but cabinet. So in these realities, we're presidents and we're picking our own cabinet. Yeah, I have you as my vice president. I have you as my vice president too. Thank you so much.

Just because if I die, if anyone's going to take over my life and family, it's you. Cool. I don't, I don't think that's what the vice president does. But if I die, you're taking it over. Like all of my expenses and debt and everything. Gotcha. You're named as my beneficiary. You know that, right?

Is this real? Yes. I don't think it's real. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes. Wait, what are you talking about? On my 401k.

I am. You're my beneficiary. Cool. No way. The fucking, can I be on yours? No. Damn. Damn.

Damn, damn, damn. Yeah. All right. So first we have a secretary of state. Okay. Which we, so full transparency. We also don't know what these people do. I assume it's like a right hand man.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's what I'm thinking too. It's like a guy who's like a good guy. Someone that you want to see. Or girl. Or girl.

Like someone you want to see yourself with. So it like kind of gives you a boost. Yeah. It's like, you know, you know, he looks good, but he also looks even better because you got that guy. Exactly. Exactly. So who'd you go with?

Oh, what? Why? Why'd you go with Harry Potter? Dude, I just watched this. Who wants to see you next to Daniel Radcliffe? Dude, Harry Potter is like a, he's a very famous like wizard. Yeah. He's a fictionally famous wizard.

And Daniel Radcliffe looks like you can fucking beat him up. This is where you're, I'm not talking about Daniel Radcliffe. I'm talking about Harry Potter. Oh, the real Harry Potter. Yeah. Dude, I have a wizard. Oh. In my cabinet.

Yeah. That's all right. No, it's not all right. That's not that cool. Yeah. Well, you're not much taller. You're five, six. Well, that's a false.

No, you're very short. Frankie. Someone on Twitter said I thought Frankie was five, five, and I was so fucking upset. Why are you saying I'm five, six? Because you're short. I'm five, ten. I don't know. And a half.

Okay. No, but I have Harry Potter because listen, he's seemingly like a nice dude. You look at him, he's like, this guy's a nice guy. He's an innocent guy. But when it comes down to it, when Voldemort comes in, this guy will fight. This guy will fight. And he always wins. You know what I mean?

And he actually, he rallied a whole fucking school full of kids to fight against all these like wizard ghosts. So you just want kids on your side? No, no, no, no. Oh, no, don't, don't you dare try to spit that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want Harry Potter. Harry Potter is a big-

You want him for the Avacadabra or Avada Cadabra or whatever it is. It's not Avacadabra. It's, I don't know because- Avada! Yeah. Anytime he fucking uses it, you can't hear him. And he's like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. So who do you got?

I have J.Lo. Well, you know, I'm not gonna argue that. J.Lo's your secretary's secretary. Secretary of state, think about it. Like I'm walking and like my sex state is like right next to me. Oh, I think it's sex. Sex state. Okay.

It's like walking next to me. My secretary of state is walking next to me and it's like, that's gonna draw eyes on the product. Hell yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's like, that's a power move. People are respecting that state. And cause people are gonna watch me come into the presidency and they're gonna watch us walk

away. You know what I'm saying? They're gonna wait. They're gonna wait until we're ready to leave. Yeah. And they're gonna be upset that we left. For sure. But I don't know what the secretary of state does.

Like I said, I think it's just to give us a boost. I think they just kind of sit around and state stuff. All right. You know, secretary of the treasury has to deal with treasure. So I went Jack Sparrow. Oh, that's a good one. Cause he, listen, if there's treasure around, right? So treasury, obviously like it's treasure.

You know what I mean? I know that there's treasure around in these parts. I've seen national treasure. You know, Nick Cage would have been a good answer. Yeah. I didn't put him. He would have been a good one. But he would probably steal it.

So Jack Sparrow, he is always on the quest for treasure. That he, and if there's anyone who knows treasure, it's a pirate. But see, I don't know if he's on the quest for treasure as much as he just kind of stumbles upon it. And like, he's a, he's a drunk. Let's also be honest. Well, he's a fucking drunk. You throw one fucking, you know, one little nip of rum at him and he just like oblilificates.

Like that was my Jack Sparrow impression. No, I think that, you know, he's got his, he's got his stuff. You want someone that's going to go after this treasure with, you know, with, with, with with Hutzpah, you know, I don't know how to spell that, but it's definitely, I got Gollum. Oh, from Lord of the Rings. Damn right. My precious.

Damn right. That little motherfucker went to the ends of Mordor to get that son of a bitch ring. That's true. That's what I'm saying. Like, actually Frodo would be a better answer because he transported that and he didn't. Frodo got fucked up at every turn. He just walks over and gets stiff arm by an end. Like he's all fucked.

He's got dumb feet. This little fucking gollum. Yeah, his feet suck. Suck. But this little Gollum. You think like, yo, like we're going to find the treasure. Who do we need on our side? That was good.

Whoa. That was good. Right. I thought he was in this room. It got bad. I just hate it. But that's who I'd put as a secretary of treasury. That's not, that's not bad.

That's not bad. All right. Secdef. Secretary of, I was going to say of the death, secretary of defense. Who do you have? Secretary of the death. Uh, I had the rock. Okay.

That's sending a message. Okay. Okay. Like don't fuck with us. We are the defense. We defend. You know. Yeah.

I kind of went a similar route. So that's a shalom. Yeah. Yeah. But not only is he a boxing champion, but he also. Frodo, let's, he's not. Well, he's a boxing champion. No.

Yeah, he's boxing champion. His character is. Well, he's. He made himself a boxing champion. He's also Rambo. He's fought many wars. He has fought in a lot of racist wars. Yeah.

Racist. Have you ever seen Rambo first blood? It's a little insensitive. Is it? A little bit. Why? Just go ahead and watch it. I'll let you, I'll.

They fight. I'll let you determine it for yourself. I haven't seen a Rambo movie and God knows how. Yeah. All I know is that the newest one, I don't know if it was the newest one. Less blood. He, he gets on a 50 cal and really lays into this whole fucking operation. Just like, just, just like a tent.

He's shooting a lot of like buildings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was crushing it. So like, I would say Sylvester Stallone just because like this guy. No, he's older though.

No, he's not steroids. No, you'd be afraid of him. He doesn't have to fight. He just needs to like rally the people. But he needs to be like an intimidating force. Dude, who's not intimidated by Sylvester Stallone? What? He's, he's old and frail now.

He'll fuck me up. But you don't think that he could rally and find the people? Like he created the 18. He could rally. First of all, didn't create the 18. He was on it, wasn't he? No, I don't think so. You're in that movie.

You're talking the expendables. That's the one. That's the one he got. Cause he had him. He had Jison Steiff. Steiff? I don't believe he's in there. Bradley Cooper.

That's the 18. You're all over the place. I don't know where I am. I don't know. You're all over the place. You're talking Liam Neeson. No, I would have been a good one. Oh.

That would have been a good one. That would have been a great one. If he's on the mic and he's just like, all right, I ran. Listen up. I ran. Yeah, sorry. Oops. And I can't do a Liam Neeson impression.

But you know, he's got that gravelly low voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I would be more intimidated by the rock than I'd be by Sly. Well, yeah, yeah, me too. And you hear the rock talk. Can you imagine those press conferences? Ah. Ah, yeah.

We're gonna, ah. Check his wife. Ah. Ah. Mahalo. Mahalo. Mahalo. Mahalo.

We would, everything, the White House would have a lot of mana. Oh, mana. Okay. What do we got here? Okay. Attorney General. Attorney General. I have John Hamm just because I think he looks good in a suit.

Oof. Oof. He looks like an attorney general. He looks like a general of fucking big cocks. I'll tell you that. Yes. I had, I had that injury attorney Barnes, just because he's the most popular attorney I can think of.

Selina on Barnes. Selina's dead. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Barnes, injury attorney, 800, 800, then a bunch of zeros. That's the number. I saw it. I saw it earlier. Is that it?

Yeah. No, that's not the actual jingle. Free promo. That's not the actual jingle. Oh. You're taking his jingle and he goes, Selina was dead? No, no, no. Not that part.

Yeah. No, no, no. It's just Selina or whatever it is. But like, that guy's everywhere. I mean, think about it. If you want an attorney, like the general attorney, you want the guy that's the most popular. He's, yeah. The guy and he's like full on like there's billboards him everywhere.

Yeah. He probably better than John Hamm. Cause I don't even know if he's ever played like a lawyer in a movie or anything. He played a very misogynistic piece of shit in Mad Men. Yeah. Yeah. Smoked a lot of cigarettes though. And drank a lot of scotch.

And I haven't seen the show. I presume he had a lot of women. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So wow. Wow, Joe. You want someone in there that's going to be hitting women? Yes, Joey. Secretary of the interior. Don't know what this is. Oh, I didn't even fill that out. Oh, you didn't?

No. Oh, I went with the Queer Eye guys. I feel like if- Oh, they're great. Have you seen the most recent like- You're thinking the interior design. Design. It's probably of like not that.

I know. It's probably something like the interior structure of the nation. Something important. Yeah. But I don't care. We don't know that either. And I don't care about it. Queer Eye guys did a good job.

They fucking do that. That was pulling at my heart strings that show. Yeah. Also- I watched like two episodes and I was like, goddamn. What's up, Clinton? Which one is that? He does Extreme Makeover, Home Edition?

Oh, no. Fuck keep his frosted tips in fucking 2008. I don't want them back. Move that bus. Yeah. You know what I'm saying. You imagine just like. Move that wall.

Brand new country. You got it. You got it. Let's go. Yeah, no, but I think that the interior would be good. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's got to be something more important than that obviously. Yeah, I don't know.

Secretary of Labor. Okay. Yeah, obviously I mean- I mean, we both probably put the same thing, Bob the Builder. Oh, I went Kate Goslin. Who the fuck is that? She was the, John and Kate plus eight, she had a lot of kids,

there's a lot of labor to go through to have all those kids. She has kids, she has eight kids. I got eight kids. I got eight. No, I put- Just crush it and put her hair. She, hold on, this is my Kate Goslin impression. I've got eight.

Kate Goslin, come on the show. Psych, don't fucking come on our show. Yeah, don't, don't, please God no. Send your DJ loser ex-husband. Jesus Christ. Little harsh. He's getting saved. This guy is just a fucking failing DJ and Philly.

Yeah, but I put Bob the Builder because the guy, his name's Bob, it's an easy name to pronounce, he builds, he knows labor, anyone knows- That's pretty simple. If you watch the show, which I didn't, I think he got every job done. I think, you know, he would often face things

where they would say, Bob the Builder, can we fix it? And then he would rally the troops and they'd say, Bob the Builder, yes we can. Yes. Pretty easy, but Kate Goslin, that's an easy one. I mean- Yeah, yeah.

Secretary of Agriculture? Yeah. Me, oh, me first. Yeah, yeah. I said in those commercials, those guys that are always standing in those fields of cranberries and water. Because they're doing something right.

Those guys are legit farmers. They're doing something right. They're rock stars. I didn't know this, that's how they get cranberries. That's how they harvest cranberries. In water. They fill it with water and the ones that float are ready.

That's tight. I didn't know this. No, I didn't know that either. So I'm like, Becca was like, oh, have you never seen the cranberry fields in Jersey? I was like, no, she's like, yeah, but when they fill it with water, it's beautiful. It's like a sea of red.

I'm like, oh, that's like real? I thought it was just cool for the commercials. Wow, interesting. Yeah, but- They're doing something right, man. Yeah. Because those fields are a poppin'. Yeah, I put any vegan girl from Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Because I feel like they're always growing shit in their house. And they have hugged a couple trees in their life. Yeah, of course. I mean, they love everything. They gotta be very in touch with nature and agriculture. Yeah, and they wake up, they do yoga. They have to know the lyrics to, what is it, the song from Pocahontas?

The color of the wind. Yeah, they need to be able to sing colors of the wind. That's a great tune. It is. It's a great jingle. Right now. Colors of the wind. I knew he fucking didn't know it, you piece of shit.

Oh, God. Secretary of Commerce. Oh, okay. I put- I have a little bit of a controversial one. All right, I put Keith Sanagato. Oh. No one wants to give away money like Keith Sanagato.

Yeah. Nobody. Keith's a very selfless person. This might be a little inside baseball for you guys. But like, Keith is selfless to the point where it's like, you don't need to do that. You know where it'd be like, Keith, you know, like, oh, like, do you have like three bucks?

I got like 80. Take it. It's like, Keith, I just need- Keith will win $100 million and give away 98 of it. All of it. Why do I need more than two million? Why do I need more than two million? Yeah.

And that's the type of person we need in here. Yeah. My secretary of commerce is Bertie Madoff. Now, before we get into this, right, I just want to say that clearly the guy was doing something. I mean, he was knowing what he was doing about money. For a little bit there. That guy was getting away with it a lot.

A lot when it comes to money. He's in jail for like 240 years. I know, but he was, I'm saying at the time, he was like, he was handling his money like pretty well at the time. Oh yeah. Depends on by whose standards you're defining pretty well. I mean, he was robbing families blind and destroying people.

Destroying lives. Destroying lives. Yeah. But when he was doing it, he was doing it in dramatic fashion. Oh, quite dramatic. Yeah. Yeah.

Quite dramatic. I would say so. Jesus Christ. Okay. Transportation secretary or health and human services. Which one? Health and human services. All right.

I went with a physical anomaly, a health anomaly. Yeah. It's Charlie Sheen. Oh yeah. Because how is he still alive? Yeah, he's got AIDS. He's got it all. He's got HIV.

He's got HIV. He's got, he's got DAT. He does a lot of DAT. He does a lot of DAT. La la de Coquette. Dut. And the guy's just not dead yet. Him and fucking like Mick Jagger.

Yeah, Mick Jagger. And who's the guitarist from Rolling Stones? Keith Richards. How are they alive? Put them all three in there. I don't know. I put the obvious answer, Jesus. Oh.

The guy was healthy. He was in good shape. And also he's, you know, he was, he cared about the people, human services. Boom, bang. Oh my God. How do I fight against Jesus? You don't.

I got Harry Potter and Jesus. Good luck. Good luck to you. Oh my God. I got the Rock and Keith Sanagato. What are you going to do? I don't know. Alex Jesus.

I will confer within. I don't think Jesus would be good in a political role. He was, I guess like, he just wanted to like unite people. No, yeah, I wanted him to do the right thing. We have other people. We've got John Hamm. He'll like convict you. Also Sylvester's alone.

He'll do some stuff. John Hamm will also do something else to you. Yeah, he will. He'll put you back into next week. Secretary of Transportation. I put Sully. Who's that? The guy that landed the plane on the Hudson.

That Tom Hanks movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sully Sullenberger. Some Jeffrey Sullenberger. Those guys just land in planes with like ducks in the wings and shit like that. Yeah, that's crazy. That's kind of cool.

If you can do that, you should run every department of transportation. I actually have two answers. OK. The first one is my old bus driver, Jackie. She used to scream. Oh. She used to say that all the time.

Yeah, and like, I'm pretty sure she beat up a kid once. Was this in middle school or high school? This is in middle school. OK. No, this is a yellow bus. I'm pretty sure she beat up a kid once, I think. She's bus Jackie? Yeah, yeah, she threw like a school bag at a kid or something.

Big thing, big thing. Can't do that now. They got cameras in the buses now. Also, I don't think she kept her job for too long after that. Yeah, no. But she got to school on time every single time and she was swerving through traffic, so dangerous, but she got the job done.

My other one was going to be, obviously, Sandra Bullock. We saw her scales and speed. Well, I mean, Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves would have made more sense. She drove the bus. Did she? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was him.

She had to keep the bus over 50 miles an hour. I thought it was 55. Driving through a city. Yeah. She drove it off of an unfinished highway. Highway. And then she was in, I'm pretty sure she was also in speed too. Well, yeah.

That was the one with the boat. I didn't see it. And Willem Dafoe. I've seen bits and pieces, but Willem Dafoe, that fucking villain. Yeah, Willem Dafoe looks like a skeleton that has the minimal amount of skin you can have. Like, he's always like, he's always hungry, you know what I mean? Like, he's never been stuffed to completion.

He looks like, in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, where, you know, they're like, like the pirates when they're in moonlight, like moonlight, they like look like they're like half. Yeah, he looks like that. He looks like that one that's always missing, losing his eye. And he's a cockney. Yeah. OK, Secretary of Energy.

All right, I got two here, because I can't figure it out. I put either Logan Paul or Terry Crews, because they got a lot of energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it's debt, or if it's just, they're just fucking on it all the time. It could be dis, or it could be debt. Dude, but like, they're always just like, pa, pa, pa, pa.

You got a lot going on. You know, it's a lot of energy there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I assume that's what that person needs to do. I went a similar route. I said, one of those Peloton instructors, they're nuts. Those people are screaming at you. It's like, dude, it's 8 a.m.

I'm just trying to cycle a little bit, so I'm not like, disgusting. I love how everyone that I've asked about getting a Peloton, they're like, dude, it hurts so bad for the first month, and then it's OK. And it's like, well, hold on. It hurts? Yeah, because apparently that cycling is intense.

Have you ever been to a spin class or anything? No, I've seen them. It's fucking, like, I went once with Tim and Maggie. I imagine it stinks. And it was fucking violent. This woman loved spin. Like, if you didn't check your feet correctly, you would get fucking backhanded.

Damn. But yeah, those spin instructors, they got it. Yeah. I'm shocked you don't have a Peloton yet. No, I don't. All right, Secretary of Education. Oh, I put Jeff Goldblum. He just seems smart, but I have no clue if he is.

And that's what an education is. It's not about being smart. It's about appearing smart, you know? That's smart. Did he have a show that was like the world through Jeff Goldblum? It's on Disney Plus. Have you watched it? No.

Dude, it's fucking, the first three episodes made me have to use the bathroom. It was a wild ride. Really? He's like going around, and he's like, show me. He goes through like ice creams. He has like fucking like pig blood ice cream. He's like, oh, yes.

Oh. This guy's always fucking horny. Dude, this guy is so horny. That's hilarious. I put Jane from third grade. Yeah, this girl that we. Don't say her last name. No, no, no.

This girl we went to third grade with was the smartest girl who's ever lived. Yeah, but also like. She knew script before we even learned it in school. How the fuck did she know that? Didn't you say she wrote you a love letter in script, and you had no idea what to say? No, I've told this story before, but I liked her.

I had a big crush on her, and I told her that I liked her. And I was like, do you like me? And she wrote on the desk, yes, in script, but it just looks like that. And like, I didn't learn script. This was first grade. I didn't learn script till third grade. So she or cursive, whatever the fuck you fucking.

Potato potato. So she wrote yes on the table, but I didn't know that. So she was just doing all kinds of shit. And I was like, what? And she wrote it again. I was like, I don't. And she wrote it again. I was like, I guess not.

I was like, all right. Oh, that bitch was drawing a fucking roller coaster. I remember we used to have this book system, this colors. It was like a book system, and each book was a different color. It was like green. It got up to like the hardest was like brown and black. And like platinum. Yeah.

And I remember I was on like a fucking cute green. Yeah. And this girl was just crushing out like fucking shit browns, like olive greens and shit like that. I was on Periwinkle, and she's fucking like, oh, you guys aren't double platinum? Yeah, double black platinum. Everyone knows what it is.

And she was also fucking great at tennis. Yeah, she was a tennis player. This girl was a crushing tennis player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and also we have the last one is the United States trade representative. Yes, who would be good with trade reps? Right.

I put Howie Mandel. Deal or no deal. Those are good deals. This guy's making great deals. He's making great deals. If you see it, he's like, oh, the banker just called. Yeah. Do you think anyone could talk something on the other side

of that phone? I don't think so. I don't think so. The banker just called. Yeah, OK. Can we get an iPhone? By the way, what is this landline? They want to offer you eight years of federal trade

for $48 trillion. Yeah. Deal or no deal. This guy could make anything sound awesome. Yeah, it did sound cool. And just taking that deal. Just don't touch him, because apparently he had like debilitating OCD at a point in his life.

No, he's a germaphobe. He was like an intense germaphobe. Yeah, I think he's better now. I see people in America who's got talent like hugging him and shit, and he's like, cool. But back in the day, it was like, don't touch Howie Mandel. Yeah, he's chill. Which, I mean, I wouldn't touch him to begin with.

I mean, I touch him. You give him what? You give him a little rub. A little rub? How you doing? Pick him up. If you're a germaphobe, how do you get jerked off? Oh, I mean, you wash your hands.

I guess so. Or him. Who do you got for the trade rep? I have Alan Wang, who is a, if you don't remember, that's a kid who I traded Pokemon cards with. And I traded him. He found $50 on the way to school. And I traded him a Charizard for that.

You fucked up. And that Charizard? Worth about like $30,000 now. Yeah, so he gave me $50. I gave him the Charizard. I got home. My mom's like, what the fuck do you have $50 for? Give it back to him.

That's his lunch money. But I was like, ma, he found it on the floor on the way to school. And she's like, bullshit. So I had to give him the $50 back. And he kept the Charizard. That's a good trade for him. So I'm like, he's a trade guy.

Smart kid. Send this kid, send him. This kid knows what he's doing. He's out there scheming. Just a good trade in general. He was a visionary. He was thinking, he's like, yo, listen, a Charizard now is like $20,000, right?

Yeah. So he made that deal. He made $20,000 and $50. Exactly. $20,000, $50, he made all of that card. Nothing. I got punished. You walked away.

You walked away with a fucking matted slap on your ass. That's what it was. So like, you know, that's why I put Alan Wang. I think my cabinet would be better, if I'm being honest. Well, that's your opinion. We'll let the people decide. All right, vote. Put out a poll with this.

Who's got the better cabinet? And just remember, I've got Jesus. So already I got all the Christians. I got Keith. I don't know if any Christians want to show you think so. There's definitely a couple religious. Someone said from recently, they were like, oh, we're watching Scandinavia.

That was like, great. That was a Canadian accent. And tomato. Tomato. It's the same thing. Gotcha. I got Keith's Anagato. So who are your heavy hitters?

Because I got the Rockin' Keith. I got Jesus. Harry Potter. Bernie Madoff takes it down. Yeah, a little bit. But then I have Alan Wang. Alan Wang? Where is Alan?

Let's get Alan on the show. I don't know. But I've said his name over the years numerous times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure, like, we talk about people from elementary school that have no clue we still exist. Probably. Well, they know you exist, because, you know,

a couple multi-millions over there. Here we go. But me? They're like, oh, I wonder whatever happened to that fucking dumpster rat that wore the same shirt three days in a row? I was like, well, here I am. Here I am, guys.

But yeah. That was good. That's all I got. So we're going to let the people decide. Guys, comment below who you think is the who's got the better cabinet. If it's, I mean, I understand that Joey's better looking and more popular.

But like, think with your head. He also has a forearm tattoo. It's Roman numerals, too. Do you trust that? Do you trust that? Also, let's not forget, early in the, you know, before we got to the presidential talk, we did find out that Frankie is spending $150

on old McDonald's toys. Those are collectibles. They get found. It's an investment, Joey. It's an investment. What have you invested in? If that's what you want to run your country. So I just, you know, who wouldn't be Department of Labor?

The person that exploits their fucking employees. Josh, give me the phone. No. OK. Where can they find your friend? FalversHR85 on Twitter and on Twitch. I usually stream playing video games Mondays and Tuesdays. It's been a little tough.

Moved into a new house. Haven't gotten everything set up yet. But then the Frank Albers on Instagram. And also, by the time this comes out, I might have been drafted for the Schmodown movie trivia. Then the draft is on Friday, the 29th. So if I get drafted and I'm in, it's going to be a fucking great up.

But either way, go watch them. If you like movie trivia and with like a flair of WWE, it's fucking awesome. Go watch it. Go check it out. You guys can go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram and our patrons. We appreciate you guys.

Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. You get an extra episode every single week on Friday. And you get every episode a week in advance. We appreciate all you guys. And yeah, that is all. See you guys next time.