The Basement Yard - #280 - Explosive Candles That Smell Like Vaginas

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Frank & Joe discuss Gwyneth Paltrow's famous vagina smelling candle that apparently exploded in some woman's living room. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard, Frank. Oh! I was gonna... I was gonna try to recreate the like intro opening, like graphic and sound that we have, where it's like... That was like an anime girl. A crescendo kinda, yeah.

I don't know, Sailor Moon just fucking threw up itself. Dude, that sounded like an anime girl. It was like shocked on her first day of school. As they all are. Or a little like anime school girl sees a big wang for the first time. Well, it depends what site you're on. I was on Netflix, you were on Pornhub.

I guess so, I guess so. You've never watched anime stuff, right? No. The first time I knew it existed, someone was like yo, you'll never believe what the Teen Titans are doing. And I'm like... What are they doing? I never really watched it, but I scroll by it

when I'm looking at porn with humans. And I'm like, well, this just looks like a sexy Final Fantasy, which is a good video game, but not really... Well, we know you've never played Final Fantasy. Don't sit here and protect. I played one of them, like four? I don't know. Four? I think you were like six when that came out.

Possibly. Well, it was later on in life. It was a demo. So it was probably seven. Well, yeah, I didn't finish it. Are they Asian? I honestly don't know. I knew one of the dudes had a big sword. That's Cloud, Cloud Strife.

I know that. I know that a little bit. No, the only time I... I know it exists out there, but the only time I ever saw one, it was the fucking Teen Titans. And I was like, what's going on? Yeah. It was like battling a squid monster this week.

Squid monster won. It won. Let me tell you, that's squid monster won, handily. And it was filled with ink. A lot of ink. A reserve tank that he finished off. Anyway, I wanted to start this episode with something a little relatable. I actually don't know if it's super relatable or not.

Relatable comedy, yeah. Well, yeah, this isn't a bit. I don't know if it's relatable or not, but it happened to me and I wrote it down on my notes. On my phone. You got me pumped now. So, this is what I wrote. This is the entire note, and I'm not lying.

That's one line, and this was written. Why is your font so microscopic? I like having a small font. What is wrong with you? I like testing my site. I could... I wrote this on January 23rd. What was that, five days ago or something?

I think so. It's the recording, yeah. This is 10.55 a.m. in the morning. I wrote... Okay. I just wrote, I spit toothpaste on my penis. So, let's start at the obvious point. Have you done that?

No, not relatable. Have you ever spit on your dick by accident? I'm sure I have. That's a spit you remember, Frank. But not a dry one. I'm not walking down the street. In the shower? You're spitting on your penis in the shower? You get water in your mouth and you're like...

And you know, spit falls everywhere. No, I'm talking about straight spit. Don't make sure of water, just... Are you brushing your teeth naked? Were you erect? How far out does your dick... Got a lot of questions here. That's what happened was, it was the morning, right?

Yeah. And I'm taking a poop. Oh, so you're brushing your teeth as you're on the toilet? As I'm taking a shit. You're confident in your... Expulsion fucking timing, I guess. I'm... The reason why I was doing that was because

I started brushing my teeth and then my body was like... And I went, oh. So instead of just spitting it out... I thought you were going to say this is one of those things. Don't waste a minute of any day. Every single minute could be a productive minute. Sleep one hour a day.

You'll thank me. Successful people don't sleep. I hate when motivational speakers say that. Successful people don't sleep. Like, dude, they do. It's like the average person that makes over a million dollars sleeps on average four hours a week.

And it's like, fuck you. So I was sitting on the toilet taking a mope. Yeah. Oh, it was one of those big ones? Well, I don't really remember, but I've been having a lot of protein, so I imagine it was... Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing insane, but definitely something worth talking about.

But I'm brushing my teeth and I was like, I have a mouth full of toothpaste spit. Oh. And I couldn't get up because I'm made boop. You're booping. So what I did was... I moved back on the seat and tried to...

get it into the toilet. And I spit on my penis. You know, actually... You got some fluoride on your dick there. It's not where it's supposed to be. It was minty fresh. I bet it was. It didn't go inside.

I mean, obviously, I didn't spit with my pee hole looking up at me like, please don't. Sacrifices didn't happen. Stop it. But I definitely hit it. I guess you know what? It's not because I have a penis that's whatever that's like, oh my God, this thing was...

It's hard to ignore. You know, this is just not... I'm not confident. Gravity kind of made its choice and it was going to spit on yourself. There could have been a crosswind that moved it forward too because I feel like I was definitely... I was definitely just not trying to... If I'm being completely honest, I was caring more

about the edge of the toilet that I didn't want to hit. I wasn't even thinking about hitting my penis. Oh, you care more about a toilet sheet than your dick? At the moment, yeah. Looking back, bad strategy. So I tried to spit and then I hit it and I was like, whatever. Because I have done that before?

You spit on your penis. But not like spit. I've been chewing sunflower seeds on the toilet and I... Spit seeds on your penis? Well, accidentally one or two. Not like a lot. That's a toe.

Just like a sunflower seed just kind of dropped down. So then it is relatable that on the toilet men have spit on their penises accidentally because they're trying to just spit into the toilet. Yes, yes, yes. I believe that is relatable. So when I was in college there was... We called it The Plague, which looking back

not The Plague? Yeah, because there was, I kid you not we woke up on like a Tuesday and there was like an outbreak like fucking quarantine style outbreak of like a gastrointestinal virus and people, like out of a movie

people were fucking throwing up and shitting themselves left and right. Nice. I remember, because I was like the building staff, the university staff or the residence halls, we got that day at least like in our building alone like ten calls of people like throwing up all over the place

shitting themselves or some combination of both. And I remember one of our staff members got it and was on the toilet and had explosive diarrhea and then threw up on herself like at the same time. It was a girl, dude. It was a girl.

That makes it so much better. Yeah, and it's like what do you do? Like that's the worst combination I've done that. I haven't thrown up on myself but luckily at my mom's house I was very drunk and I was staying a boop and I was hammered and I was like I'm gonna throw up but luckily the tub is right here

so I just threw up in the tub. Didn't even clear it. I went to bed. Really? She woke up like Yeah, and then that same morning I've told this story before but she came in to our bedroom and she was like who threw their underwear in the toilet and that wasn't me. That ended up being Keith.

Oh my goodness. She just ditched it in the toilet. Yikes. So it was a night. It was a night for sure. Me and Keith were in there cleaning up the whole place because my mom was not cool with any of that. I don't blame her. It was cotton candy vodka. It tasted very good so you don't really... Cotton candy vodka? It was good. Was it like those days where it was like the pinnacle

like whipped vodka and ugh, yuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was probably like one of the most drunk times in my life ever. I... I could only... I remember... Do you remember when whipped cream, like alcoholic whipped cream was a thing? Nope.

Holy shit. It was very alcoholic. It was... I remember like getting it. It was... I guess it was like a college thing for... You didn't go to college. No, but like someone came and they were like, yo, we got alcoholic whipped cream and I was like, how like realistically, how fucking

strong can this shit be? Yeah. Strong. Yo. Yeah. I like... It was like whoo! Like it like cleaned your fucking nose out. Did it taste good? No. It just tasted like alcohol. Oh. But in whipped cream form it was fucking gross.

But I could see like if you're like... Did you do like with its also? No, I didn't do that. Well, that could be a... That could be a time. I could imagine. I probably wouldn't remember that. I'm sure you would and you'd want to do it again and then again which is the addictive nature of that stuff.

Indeed. But... Man, that period of time where it was like fucking like creamsicle vodka. Yeah. I remember around that age like 19 to like 22 you just want to do everything

except actually drink alcohol like as a liquid. You're like let's put this in ice cream. Let's put this in whipped cream. Let's make jello shots. Jello shots, by the way. Not fun. They're not fun. You like jello shots? They're not bad.

But the thing about jello shots is that it's all about like, yo, let's see how you fucking get that jello out of there, dude. And it's like just grown men just like putting a clear cup. That's the thing that I hate about it. That's the thing I hate about it because you have a jello shot and they're never smooth. And whoever makes them

it's like usually some girl who's like the fucking most proud. I made them. So proud of them. The girl who makes the jello shot is like oh my god, they're so strong. Jello shots are coming. It's like shut the fuck up. I'm gonna eat a thousand of these. I'm gonna feel nothing.

I usually feel a little bit. Not a lot. So you crush the bottom and you're like I almost swallowed my tongue. I felt that in me. I think we have some twin telepathy going on there. If my tongue wasn't attached I'd be dead from choking on it.

But you suck it down and then there's some visual stuff in there and you have to fish it out. The period from like 2008 until like maybe like 2015 2008 we were young. How old were you? We were drinking. How old were you? 16. You don't remember how old you were

in 2008. It's pretty easy. Pretty easy. Pretty simple. I'm saying from that point of time like that like 8 years or 7 years or whatever it was people didn't care about how they just wanted to get drunk in the most creative ways. I remember I did the Skittles.

Skittle Vodka. I did the Skittle Vodka. Big mistake. Very big. And I'll tell you why. Because I did the whole thing. I put like fucking Vodka. Cheapest Vodka I could find. Georgie Vodka. Yuck.

In a bottle with the Skittles. And I was like alright leave this overnight. Drain the sugar out because it dissolves and it's all fucking sugar. Yo I had it it was like a mixed drink. It tastes good. It tastes exactly like flavored vodka.

It's exactly what it tastes like. Georgie literally tastes like a bat's piss. That's exactly what it tastes. It's gross. But it's just dump sugar into anything and it'll taste sugar. And I remember like I was drinking it like it was like a mixed drink.

I had them all in individual water bottles and I drank it and I was like holy shit this is just vodka. I didn't know what I was thinking. It was so fucking bad dude. I only imagined. I felt so shitty while I was drinking it.

Next morning I woke up and I was ready to go. What? My hangovers started when I turned like 25. I don't really get hungover like the next day. I get hungover like that night. Because you know me I get drunk and I go

I need to go home now. But immediately it's a switch like that. This is the difference is that you're having the time of your life and then we know that you're not when you're just gone. Like there's no like yo I'm not having fun anymore I need to go.

It's just like Joey's gone he's in rough shape. And when you get in rough shape I don't know if it's because you're just internally sad but like you like hang your head internally. You fucking you like hang your head like this.

You fucking but then yeah that's but you're then gone. You are the king of Irish goodbyes. It's Irish exit. Goodbye. Irish goodbyes. That sounds like a poem.

It's the same shit. Irish goodbyes. But yeah man. My hangovers didn't start until recently. None of that has to do with the fact like I was completely sober when I spit on this penis. But you know. Spitting on penises. What are we...

What else is there to talk about about spitting on penises? Well not nothing I guess. But staying on the topic of penis. The female penis commonly referred to as the bagina. The bagina. By the way

I think we should switch that on the show. I think whenever we're talking about dicks we should call them pussies. And then we talk about vaginas. We should call them male vaginas. What? We should call dicks male vaginas and call vaginas vaginas. Yeah but we just switch the words. Gotcha.

Vagina vagina. We're about to talk about Gwyneth Paltrow's dick. Joe you crushed that right there Joe. Vagina vagina. Milk milk lemonade. But no Gwyneth Paltrow came out with a candle that was like scented as her.

A penis or something? It's so funny when you say that. Well she's had this wild company for like. It's called Goop. Goop. Which by the way if you're going to have any company that has to do with a vagina penis.

What are we calling it? Don't call it Goop. Yeah because then I just think of like a slimy discharge. Yeah I think of a slimy monster. Ugh. Yeah like the fucking like CEO is Ivan Ooze you know what I mean. Like fucking director of operations

is a slimer. A trail of Goop. I just think like their brand should be just a thing of fucking slugs across the table. Yeah like a mascot is a slug. But she believes in like all this like yo my energy is good because I shoved this crystal egg inside of my fucking

pooch. She fucking believes that shit and it's like all this fucking like energy from crystals. Yeah yeah. And like women just and I think men do it too with their butts. Oh well hell yeah. Just shoving crystals in them. Yo the crystal community is very interesting

because like I get it like energies and stuff like I believe in some energy stuff. I don't know about rocks. But when people like wear crystals and stuff. I'm always like fascinated by that but there is like a very like some people like oh I just like having a crystal like does this

blah blah blah. It's like yeah cool. And then there's some people that are like oh yo you gotta like dude insert. You gotta go inside. I want you to breach the front gate. I get it like if you go to like the cliffs of Dover and you stand there and you feel moved but if you're wearing a fucking rock on your neck

what's wrong with like it's doing nothing. You know and how do you measure this shit. Like what there's no like that's what I'm saying like how do you measure like this energy. Oh like my heart rate is spiking. It has this has the energy to cure your stress and

find out your real purpose in life. And it's like how do you fucking tell that. I just want you to know something. You're not opening the door. You are kicking the door down for your DMs to be flooded with healers. I'm gonna get fucked up. Yeah they're gonna come for you and they're gonna be like listen

it has like very earthy properties. They're gonna say things like that. I mean I do believe that like things have properties that we can't measure yet. I do to an extent believe that. Yeah. But I don't think wearing a piece of fucking Ammonite on my neck. Is that real? It's a Pokemon. It's a Pokemon.

You're wearing a Voltort. Yeah. Fucking walking around with a Kabutops on my neck. It's gonna solve shit. Like I get that. Like I don't like I just think it's a way for people to once again pass off responsibility to something else in this world. Yeah.

Yeah. Well you know sometimes people there's actually like healers that you go to and they put like a bunch of different rocks on you and they like just kind of situate you with a bunch of rocks on your back. Like you put a little cube bone and like you know I'm a champ on you. Well you've seen Man on the Moon right? Yeah.

One of the best parts of that movie is at the end a spoiler when Andy Kaufman is like Jim Carrey's character is like succumbing to his cancer and he's seeking out like all these forms of fucking healing and medicine and like these people go into this people and they

like pull out this like infestation of shit and he looks and he sees it's bullshit and it's like it occurs to him like you know like it's it's bullshit and I think a part of that is like when your mind is prepared enough to do something like that it's like I truly believe in some regards mind over

matter. I believe that a lot like and I believe in like if you if your mind is setting itself up to be like yo I'm gonna go and have this person shove a fucking green crystal in me and I'm gonna be cured of my psoriasis your like your body

is like prepping itself to believe in it and fix itself right I believe that too because I think that like stress is stress is like one of the I think a leading like killer in the world and like you can bring on physical symptoms or stress I've done that multiple times in my life where like I've just been subconsciously like super stress

and brought on these symptoms or just worsened like you know a little bit of a hypochondriac where you have like a headache and you're like oh my god I have a tumor in my head and then you like have all this stress about it and then you just bring on all these other you know whatever so I think that the placebo effect

is whatever not saying that it's placebo you know the rocks they could be doing something I don't know I just don't know anything about it I'm just saying and you know we're completely off the point at this point which is Gwyneth Paltrow made a candle with her fucking bullshit it's straight up straight up apparently smells like

her but she her but she her but she yeah so she made a penis candle where she put her penis in it no but seriously how do you get that how do you replicate that smell did they did she like sit over like a fucking cloth they had to melt her put her they had to melt her penis and just have the guy from cold

place sing in her ear the whole time and collect like the particles I think they were dating they were married they were married they had the children they have a daughter named Apple well celebrities yeah but love Chris Martin by the way yeah yeah but I mean I think they're not together anymore oh no no they're not long gone

yeah but he uh yeah so well no I think I read up on it a little bit and it said that they were like trying to make a candle and she smelled it and was like this smells just like my penis so that's why they named it that so wait what's the name of the candle is it Gwyneth Paltrow I think the name

of the candle is like this smells like my stop it stop I think we buy one no I think they're sold out you get almost so much penis to go around Frank I don't know about that Gwyneth Paltrow I'm looking this up right now because guess what if we can get it guess what we're putting that oh this it's called this smells

like my vagina that's what it's called yeah that's kind of like that's some confidence dude I regularly smell myself and say I'm amazed that a woman has said she would have a child with me yeah and the fact that you can have confidence to be like yo

I'm gonna sell this scent I'm just gonna but then again there's only a few people in the world I assume that know what her pussy smells like so like I can smell fucking Dracar noir and be like yeah this smells like my dick and then sell it like that it's true you could do that

but I'm stopping us well I could out you right now I could smell that dick from here smell my dick well I can't smell from here but I'll go smell it come smell it well I don't want to do it now oh so then don't talk big game then big boy well I'm saying if I had to well I know you have to sorry for

I don't want to shove my nose in your cat well don't sit there and threaten me with a good time unless you're ready to deliver but yeah and then it fucking blew up that was the part that we were going to get to the candle exploded in a British woman's house first of all the irony that

for once it's the vagina exploding usually it's the penis ejaculation ejac-e-jack I almost said ejac-e-chan ejac-e-chan that's staying I'm gonna ejac-e-chan

it's gonna ejac-e-chan guys tell us give us tell Joey really DM the basement yard Instagram about if you if you do engage in consensual sex if someone says I'm going to ejac-e-chan I think that's hot it's cool actually I'm very close to ejac-e-chan

the most the more that we can get jac-e-chan into our daily lives the better yeah but back to this pussy candle yeah so the candle exploded in this woman's house she was very British so I can can you can you do her reaction real quick yeah well I looked this up oh oh oh wait so

play it out I'm I'm lighting the candle and then you go boof when it's ready to explode okay okay okay go ahead boof it's scary what what the fuck is this what we have here what's all this thing

what's all this what's all this what's all this Oi come down here the snatch candle blew up in my face I guess if you're able and willing to get a candle that smells like that you gotta be

prepared it's gonna blow up in your face right I don't know if that cut you know I mean every like they're like wild disclaimers on like most things that you buy and I gotta think that one of them it's gotta be like alert oh my god dude uh-oh what happened she

this is what she said the candle exploded and emitted huge flames with bits flying everywhere how I don't it's it's what did she make this with gunpowder like how well she's got an explosive pink tongue and then she said I've never seen anything like it

an exploding candle everything so yeah the whole thing was a blaze the whole thing was a blaze and it was too hot to touch it's fire it's kind of fire you know no I'm saying that it is I know what you're saying and I'm also contributing saying that's cool

okay there was an inferno in my yo describing something hot as an inferno is fucking awesome just imagine just

just it's like those things like those side experiments that people do where it's like they light it and it's like a snake coming out you know what I'm talking about are those he's got the new fire yo she should go into making fireworks

this fireworks smells like my vagina okay we eventually got it under control and threw it out the front it was exploding it was exploding and he took it right outside and threw it into the wall that's awesome

yeah it could have burned the place down it was scary at the time but funny looking back at Gwyneth's vagina candle exploding in my living room that is hysterical how much is the candle it's got to be like how much do you pay for a homemade bomb well

careful Joe this is what it's a candle I would say 80 bucks 75 why would you pay him for a fucking candle I mean I'm thinking about the fact that it's Gwyneth Paltrow and her hoom hum I would

can we buy three of them right now I don't think they're for sale maybe because they've been fucking well also interrupting yeah I'm not buying that by the way this woman explaining it the way she did she deserves an award it erupted into an inferno

inferno month oh it's an inferno nothing huh I was reading my fucking stone face no wait hold on the 75 dollars is not in yours

oh yeah okay it's American dollars whatever yeah exploding candle I can't imagine walking into your living room and seeing this candle just erupting dude you know how confused I would I would honestly like let it burn in a controlled space so I can have it explode

you do what let it burn in a controlled space like a controlled burn let it let it burn I think that you should let it burn when you're feeling in vain seeming your body to want you which no gotta let it go

cause your body ain't jumping like it used to let it burn let it burn what's that part what is it what's the line right before it deep down you know

best we suffer too ain't the thought of a being with someone else but you know that it's over you know that it's through is that the word let it burn let it burn we crushed that gotta let it burn it's a good song

for usher unbeaten 2021 usher looks 19 does he dude yeah you're into those young ones huh he's like 40 something yeah yeah yeah he is he's old he's up there does he have herpes I don't know I don't I don't pay attention to the sexual health of celebrities I do

do you well I when they have herpes I do oh I want one of these candles so fucking bad I want an exploding penis candle do you think you can put out candles that smell like us on our fucking merch store dude Frankie no

no one's buying that how it's gonna smell like a white first of all holy shit the fucking light of God just bestowed itself upon me also there was right before we started recording I took a I took a I reverse

which is a poop and Frank he comes out of the bathroom and he goes you know what's gonna happen he walked in then the door swung open he walked right out stormed into this room and he goes you smell like a worm you smell like an earthworm

you fucking dirt pile I walked in there I was like Jesus Christ like you know you know when you're in a basement and there's basement smell but then there's also like rusty pipe smell of course that's what your butt just smelled like like rusty pipes we need to

get you a bidet oh I would love a bidet we need I actually I don't know if it'll fit your fucking futuristic looking toilets that's a that's a weird looking toilet you got it man just the bottom of it I mean the rest of it is very square I mean it's a square toilet

no I mean it's rounded it has a rounded seat do you believe in these things that are like the squatty potty and all that yeah yeah I do do you have one no I used to and my mom's my mom's at it really I just say my mom's at it your mom's at it my mom's at it

took a nice poop what you're thinking poop or pee I pinched one out that's how they talk I don't know why I did this I'm gonna speak so low oh my god no yeah sometimes

like the the squatty potty though like some people in their houses I've been in people's houses they have a squatty potty and the this pedestal is like high so I'm taking a shit with like my knees at my face and I'm like I feel like I'm taking shit like that you're like chewing on your knees

you're like I kidnapped and thrown into a back of a truck and I'm taking a shit yeah that makes sense I mean it probably would be a but they say that's how people used to shit back in the day because they would just take shits on the floor they would just squat dude how crazy is that that back in the day it was like maybe they didn't even walk over there to take a shit they were like well here

like you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and they're just like yeah yeah yeah and just get just get lower and take a shit like any like contraptions like on their clothing that they could just dump and no one would know like do you ever see like old like Victorian era women like their dresses and shit

they have like 40 parts on Frankie those aren't the people who shit I've been talking about Neanderthals oh okay yeah probably them Cleopatra it was taking a shit on the floor I would assume so but in a room not Cleopatra she was royalty well yeah you know all royalty doesn't poop well no they poop

dude the queen is out there just fucking lighten up toilets isn't that crazy isn't that old women take like fat shits I don't know about fat but they take gross ones yeah they gotta take like just just just like stringy it comes out like cement

yes yeah but you added too much water a lot of water yeah yeah I could if you ever want to humble yourself and like humble the fucking people around and just remind them like yo you dump the same way maybe a little messier than I do

also this I just want to say this think about this disrespect to the queen I don't know if there's like a thing you're supposed to do God save the queen we're about her whatever I think it's like way better that's magic

just caught you to spell so the queen's been the queen for some time she's been rolling is she having sex I don't know there's gotta be could you imagine a chamber of boys there's not both but apparently they do some pretty fucked up things

oh I don't want to speculate about the queen I'm not gonna speculate because we will get first the queen people are coming after me and then the energy people are coming after me the rock people are gonna kill you yeah I'm gonna get murdered but I'm just thinking like the queen you know I'm saying like prestigious

like you think like she's been queen for a while now you think that she's throwing it down I assume they've got to have some like royal masturbation room or something they have like the Buckingham palace has like 99 rooms like it's gotta be one that's just a chamber just a chamber a dungeon

a dungeon a sex dungeon yeah that's where it comes from well and it's dark and it's lit like lightly with red I mean I hope all of the sex she's having is consensual obviously I mean I wasn't even thinking of that well when you say dungeon I think of bad things I just think of a dark room where it stuff

happens that we don't talk about close your eyes dungeon what are you thinking I was thinking of dragons that's what I'm saying like there's bad things in there dragons aren't cool well it depends how well you train it dude here's a good story

the other day we brought Miles to build a bear to make a build a bear for for my daughter cool which at this point might be here at this point who fucking knows we're waiting we're still waiting and the girl that was like

stuffing the bear which by the way come up with a better name for it also why don't they just have them stuffed she goes what are you doing I'm doing the stuffing this is how she's stuffing it isn't it crazy

that ancient civilizations had no contact but all thought of dragons I'm like dear god woman what apparently that's what she said she's stuffing this fucking rabbit she said isn't it she's like oh well she's trying to like

be cute and like talk to Miles well I guess she's like oh okay rub the heart on your head rub the heart on your nose and your back and you know whatever what the fuck are you talking about this is what they do I build a bear have you never been a build a bear no I've never built a bear you've never built a bear

why would I do that you go build bears I'm a man I'm a grown man you have two nephews now that might like they might flourish from a build a bear they don't know who was what and yet not yet but when they do they'll want a bear built

I will build them a bear then go build them a bear but I don't hope I don't run into this fucking yeah so this girl was just like so it's like you take the heart that you put in it's supposed to be some symbolic thing and it's like you put a heart in this thing you put a heart in it and it's like rub the rub the heart on your nose so the baby

the nose that you love her rub the heart on your arms so it'll be strong like you rub the heart on your back so you always have her back and then she's stuffing and she goes did you know that ancient civilizations all came up with the idea dragons

they just saw these lizards and said it'd be cool if they had wings and what did he say and he was like oh like even this fucking 5 year old knew that this woman had no clue what the fuck she was doing yeah I was like what are you talking about what point are you making

however though gotta give it to her that's pretty fucking crazy they had no contact with each other the mesopotamians weren't talking to the Chinese maybe the dragons were real do you think so if they were would you have one can I get it

I would say it's in a price range that would be a luxury but you can own one yeah why don't you have a tiger then fuck am I putting a tiger I never said you have to have it here you can just like the way you do with like the water plant

you can just like have a tiger and like feed it if I could have a dragon and like it's like one of those pigeons that you could just like send out on missions and drop off messages oh you want like a little dragon like a lazy shit oh that's a big dragon

well he would just have to figure out where he's going to sleep but he could sleep anywhere sleep on a bridge I don't care oh I don't think that he could sleep on a bridge under a bridge I don't know those are trolls Joey on the countryside sleep on a mountain in a cave in caves this is where they hang out

well I don't know of any cave maybe like in New Jersey well first of all there's some mountains they're mountains I don't know about caves in New Jersey well whatever go sleep on top of a fucking you find this place to lay down I guess so Central Park don't let anyone throw anything at you

wake up with graffiti on you or something I'll wash them though it's my dragon that's your dragon what color would you want them to be red wow like stand out you want red eyes black dragon oh yeah African American excuse me sorry

no but I I would want a dragon that'd be dope what were we talking about beats me the pussy candle the pussy candle and then you went right to build a bear talking about dragons because we were talking about dungeons in the Buckingham Palace about the queen oh yeah yeah yeah no disrespect to the queen

no disrespect I just hope that she's being sexually satisfied at this point she's you know she's past the age of sex well no a lot of people who haven't sex in their 80s not the one step is fucking gross if you first of all if you listen to this show in your 80s

you're you're an idiot and if you're having sex you're also disgusting oh man you know when people get down in uh I was gonna say restaurants in uh the retirement homes they fuck like rabbits well there's actually

elderly abuse is a big issue in retirement homes abuse yeah yeah yeah I know that I know wait what do you mean like elderly like being abused by like the like caretakers at the these retirement homes in place like that sexually yeah yeah I know like

a lot not a lot but there there have been some bouts uh that have been like public about like people like getting tested for like pretty aggressive STDs and stuff like that because like a caretaker like assaults them let's get to the ads

I hope our sponsors love that transition I saw an opening and I took saw an opening and I took it that's how you take it that's showbiz ladies and gentlemen that's why he's made 72 million dollars this week this week yeah

oh god let's talk about something else before we get to the ads are you ready I can't even think of a name okay word association go dungeon french the french I guess bow and arrow

but let me do one of you socks penis you ever come in a sock you ever come in socks no why is that a thing I guess it's easily hideable I guess I'd rather

go ahead go ahead go ahead if you had a comment on an item of clothing what would it be obviously on the count of three let's say it one, two, three boxers you thought I said boxers like to athlete coming in boxers

someone's done that clearly okay okay alright our first sponsor for today's show is mvmt valentine's day is right around the corner and this is your ticket to win big

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that's all we have for today good friends of the show what are you doing I'm stretching my back I'm carrying this fucking show good grief no I didn't do that but you know what I did do

I did remind the people to join the patreon basement yard patreon is popping right now baby we're almost at 8000 as of recording and guess what if we get there Joey's putting something in his ass and squirting it can we say what it is? it's an enema I'm going to clean this colon

I just want to say this because I got a lot of shit I saw that you had a health issue like you had a legit health issue I mean relax with the health issue like it wasn't a health issue but it was like me being like whatever so on the patreon and to be fair I was against this god damn

chipped challenge from the start but we did the one chipped challenge Frankie did it and I had to pull out of it because I had this like weird heartburn like whatever I get it sometimes but I had just had it like the week before and I didn't want to eat this shit and re-fuck my shit up

so I just didn't do it and people were like oh this is ridiculous I saw someone that was like that's fucking false marketing they owe it to us and thank the people out there that are like hey they don't fucking owe you anything or someone was like dude chill it's a chip

like relax but no the enema is going down well actually it's going up well it's going up it's going in and it's filling up you're going to be as filled as a fucking gas tank do I have to fill up my butt? like not with like

how much liquid? it's you know it could be I would say it's a couple ounces I would say it's like probably like six seven ounces maybe I don't know I don't know measurements that's the one thing about me distance and measurements I don't know how much six ounces is yeah well there you go it'll be a surprise for everyone

but you can go to patreon.com slash the basement yard to join today the five dollar tier gets you every weekly episode that you're seeing right now a week in advance and then that extra tier that ten dollar tier that's the use of content that not everyone else gets to see no one else gets to see it's good stuff

we got some good fucking stuff on there and it gets a little crazy on there so just make sure you go check it out patreon.com slash the basement yard join if you can if you can I don't want you here I'm kidding the people that have joined thank you so much

people that can't we understand it's okay but if you can do it it's great it's a nice way to support it yeah like you're breathing in deep now what were we supposed to talk about there was a thing speaking of assholes there's apparently like a butt swab coming out

oh in China they're annually swabbing for covid and that's why they're like fucking rocking out in like clubs and stuff like that now well like the way you know how they say like the eyes are the window to the soul I feel like the asshole is like the direct line to your health in a way

does that make any sense no well it didn't if the eyes are the window to your soul your asshole is the fucking kicked open door to your sexuality yeah no no because like if you if you drink a beer through your

mouth you're like oh cool but if you drink it with your ass you're drunk like that well that's because your asshole is just like all sorts of like it's like it's like really you know like capillary actions in there sucks up whatever the fuck it gets its hands on that's what I'm saying like it's a direct line to like

your body effect that's why people do the like the boofing and like they put like heroin on tampons and shove it in their ass and shit like that yeah and also like fecal transplants like I take shit from your ass

well honestly we would probably put shit in your ass because you'd have a bad gut like your gut health like seriously people who have like C-diff think it's like a horrible I could be wrong but it's like a horrible like gastro

problem or whatever the fuck but they do these things like fecal transplants well they will take shit out of someone who has like really good gut health and transplant it into this person's anus and then like that

bacteria or whatever is supposed to like change the way it's like reinforcement no one is taking dude no if there is a surgical fucking operation to take shit from your body and put it in mine

I will be so angry back to you yes fecal transplantation is the transfer of stool from one healthy donor into a gastrointestinal tract for the person who is of treating recurrent C-diff dude I'm on fire dog

act like I ain't a doctor bitch you ain't a doctor I'm not but I know some things I heard some things that is so fucking like I guess if there is medical value to it great but also stupid how do you yo I'm ready to who

how do you like pick out someone shit how do you say like yo Joey you have good fucking gut health can I take your poop I don't know and like where do they take it from so you have to have wait you will need to identify a potential donor to your fecal transplantation donors should not have

have had have had any antibiotic exposure in the past six months be immunocompromised have any tattooing or body piercing in the last six months have any history of drug use any history of high risk sexual behavior

or jeez sucking fucking on the streets suck fucks any history of incarceration prison I guess prison poops are the worst doesn't make sense recently traveled to endemic areas I don't know what that word means

I'm not even gonna try or have any chronic GI disorder such as inflammatory bowel disease we're both out yeah but yeah so it but it helps with this stuff and I think the science behind it is basically like whatever the bacteria's are in like this shit

I guess I guess I guess it's not weird though like how does someone figure that out we just took poop and put it in there we're gonna put poop in you from him we figured out a way to solve your issues we're gonna stuff you with shit can you imagine that would be wild

like do they like keep it as like a souvenir like oh it's probably not they're not putting like putting a log in you well I assume there's some there's like if you're putting shit in me I assume it's gonna be a big old jank no I assume it's just like like a swap

you know I'm just you know that's not fun well I mean they say fecal so I assume it's shit yeah I guess that doesn't sound fun though but like recycling that's recycling that's recycling you know what I'm saying people like fucking use their

their own shit as like fertilizer in some places I don't know where but I know it happens were they shit on their lawns well like some people can like shit in like a composting bin with like a bunch of food scraps and you make some like nutrient rich ass fucking soil let me tell you I don't know how I feel about that

I'm gonna start composting are you yeah but and that's just like a bin in your backyard you just throw stuff in it right so it's things that are compostable compostable yeah I guess so my understanding is like it could be a bin or it could be like I was looking at one the other day it's like a tower

of like worms and you put you're gonna buy a tower of worms yeah isn't that cool it's like Nakatani plaza of worms maybe if this was the Adams family you're buying a tower of worms yeah yeah that's cool the worms eat the they eat the fucking scraps that you throw in there and they shit out the compost and that's

basically what you use as your fertilizer and it creates like wildly intensely fucking nutrient rich soil which like I'm gonna be growing a bunch of shit back there dog yeah with like coffee beans scraps well like we juice so it's like a lot of it is just like juice scraps

eggshells you know stuff that like is fucking going back to the earth worms eat eggshells do they eat anything freaks they they eat fucking like they'll eat us if we let them I won't you won't eat us no I won't let them eat me oh well then yeah I guess that makes

sense but yeah people are just like the asshole is like I think the key to all like sciences mysteries yeah and our G spots are in there dude from someone I got a finger in their butt this morning let me tell you no I went to the doctor I probably should probably should have

led with that I had like what doctor you know routine but hold checkup so I'm standing next to a new like a freshly fingered man freshly fingered boy well man man wait so who think so it was a man who fingered no it was a woman doctor oh damn that's got to be weird she saw your anus hole yeah and there was a

test like oh there was a college student there was a new employee so two people saw your butt three there was two of them there there was two yeah the girl is like oh you know we're gonna rethink this profession which they're like I don't know and it's funny because they're like oh finger you know just one finger okay

the girl was like oh we're training her do you mind if she comes in and I I audibly said I was like trained by fire she's gonna need to see it eventually and if you can get through seeing my butt hole and you're cool you are yours you're you're gonna go high and you said trained by

fire I said trained by fire she's gonna see it eventually quote unquote my god you are just a hero I'm one of those people that goes in the doctor and it's like haha buy me a drink first doc you I drop your pants whoa

whoa just met you how about dinner first Dr. Pulaski I hate to admit that I'm also one of those it was Dr. Park I'm also one of those people an Asian man woman damn it that like you know like gives them my credit card it's like what's the

damage oh my god you that guy oh what's the damage how much is this gonna run me yeah I hate to admit it I am one of those basic bitches yeah I recently I stopped hey I don't care can we go back to this finger oh okay so a woman fingered your ass yeah how deep go tell me when I

didn't I didn't see I didn't see Frankie I didn't I didn't see I didn't see like how much went in because I was crying I mean you had to have felt I I all I felt right yeah I was I was a little crying like a tear

I like I sadness or pain just I'm just comfort you know and I shed a tear I was hugging the fucking so first of all how does this go do you okay down all right no almost yeah actually yes I am good good point we did a complete 180

there no but yeah the girls like all right like yo like I'm gonna hold up this blanket drop your shit you're not shit like drop your pants and your boxers and then kneel on this bed you know like those medical beds wait you're just you have no pants or

boxes on now so she had to have seen your balls well yeah and penis of course oh my god yeah people are doctors they're wild they see a bunch of penises and they tell no one I will they definitely talk to other doctors I saw this fucking one ass all today

oh well they saw two with me let me tell you so and then she's like all right kneel down so I kneeled down on the ground no on there was like um if like this is the table like the table thing she's like there's like a little bench on the bottom

she's like kneel down I'm like okay so I kneel down and she's like all right lean forward and then you're gonna feel the chair going up so I'm like all right so I lean forward on this is incredible I lean forward how you guys liking this

I lean forward on my forearms and then y'all this table was going up let me tell you man I'm like she's like cause I'm leaning on my forearms she's like you're gonna have to hug the table so you don't fall and I'm like how I haven't went to this incline I went up there like King DeKal let me tell you

I was like oh oh oh so she brought you up to it oh oh and I was like up there and my face was in the floor basically I had literally I had to stop myself from falling so you were face down ass up and then

she's got a full range of this this whole yeah and then she's like yo you're gonna feel a little bit of pressure like she wore gloves yeah she's like cold gel first oh my god they gelled you of course they gelled you oh yeah they can't go in there it's dry yeah what do you think they're what do you think they're

just fucking no and then how cold was the gel honestly I was so uncomfortable like I didn't even feel the temperature of the gel and I just remember like it just feels like pressure so like you instantly clench up

you were fighting her I was let me tell you if there was if there wasn't a wrist on the other end of that hand that thing was shooting across the room okay I'm telling you man yeah and and then she just you know wiggles around a little bit and at no

point was I horny let's start there because this whole like G spot in the asshole thing zero percent of me was gonna like be like horny right right right you know yeah I guess it's maybe under a different you know set of circumstances but you know

it was not comfortable at all so the people that do like that dude he's kind of crazy how those those students were just like kind of it was just one it was just one student well you said there was two no did I say that there was the doctor her assistant and then like a trainee yeah but that's three people yeah that's

six eyes yeah and then your brown eye oh yeah and I'll tell you it was unpleasant that's a beautiful story you know about hearing about your endeavors how's the whole actually pretty good nice

I'm doing alright I'm okay this guy's buttholes on the up and up on the up and up baby let me tell you it can't get much worse than what it used to be it went from down and down oh boy down and out basically it was a rough time it was it was beat up yeah jokes aside almost died yeah yeah yeah couple times

well the first time is the coolest almost dies it is a is a you know a little bit I can tell you some horror stories well I I know they're discussed yes there are some that you know some I haven't told one I almost died from which one the stench oh was it bad

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that one almost sent me down yeah that was that was bad I was on the plane oh it was a controlled like area yeah that was bad and I couldn't do a thing about it no you just kind of had to live life but you know I'm glad you're good thank you and I apologize

they would tell you by the time I had a rip a piece of like a like a like basically super glued gauze off of me we're gonna get to these ads we don't have I know we don't no yeah you peeled gauze so I had to use

gauze because I had an open wound in my pussy hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha basically yeah and I would put who glued them it didn't get so it was like I guess it was

like a bad reaction from sweat the whatever fucking puss was coming out and like the antibacterial ointment yeah that'll be gluey and yo it was glued like it was like if I super glued a piece of paper to you right now like you had to like fucking yank it to take

it off it was wild it was crazy times your ass has been through the wringer dude yeah yeah it has it's made you stronger though I think I'm a better person because of the beating my asshole has taken hahahaha I really do

yeah how about you no like how's your butthole health right now pretty good actually I mean I've been eating super clean so my poops are just like well then I'll tell you they ruin people around you well yeah they don't smell great yeah you farted the other day and I kid

you not I thought I was under a spell that it smelled so bad you know why because the day the night before I had cheese me and cheese got a weird like kind of relationship so what are like the foods that like really fuck your asshole up just dairy honestly

yeah yeah like I could have like candy and stuff like that's not great for you and maybe that makes my stomach feel like a little weird mm-hmm but like I don't really eat candy like that anymore dairy though which is like impossible just cut out of my life like I'm just like there's gonna be days

where I have like cheese or whatever yeah and like when I do good night but not like not like so if you have uh I'm trying to think of something that's not crazy like chicken like a chicken parm entree right so it's like

there's some mozzarella cheese a lot of cheese Joe no it's not no but not like where they drown it in cheese I'm talking about like it's just the chicken cutlet there's sauce and there's like a little bit of cheese and then there's like spaghetti whatever if I have that it's not gonna fuck me up but if I eat like six mozzarella sticks

you're just eating cheese so good though one time I went to a restaurant an Italian restaurant and they just served deep fried a big it looks like chicken like a big thing of chicken size that's just cheese yeah and I ate it and I

swear to God when I got home I thought I was going to give birth because my I was having contractions I was cold sweats I was like we need to call our OBGYN you know what I mean and I had to go in and my doctor was kind of he had me up in the stirrups and he was checking my shit out do you know what I mean

yeah the only thing that really gets me like that like I don't I don't like I've cut out a lot from my diet you know like I really don't have a lot cheese is tough because I fucking love cheese um but like red meat dude red meat like I do not that's like

fucking Rapunzel in the drainage you know what I mean like red meat fucks me up really yeah I'm fine with meats red meat but it's also like red meat is like high in like triglycerides and like it fuck like it gets like your cholesterol like a run in I don't eat red meat enough for it to be

like yeah and that's the thing I don't either I had some last night very good very yeah very good yeah but like so long are the days of fucking like steaks and burgers like twice a week I have a steak maybe once every like six months a burger

once a month maybe the way see like with burgers and shit I've substituted burgers sausage pasta and sometimes cheese all plant-based like all the burgers that I

eat and all the pasta that I have and all like if sausage I don't really have sausage like often but when I do they're all plant-based but fuck you because there's no replacing a real no fucking burger a real beef

hot dog no not at all you can't you can do plant-based everything but you ain't gonna replace the real thing no no no you're not you're not at all and I don't even pretend that it's like the only thing truly that I think is like the sausage I am convinced you wouldn't know like I'm it's because it's so good

yeah sausage is just like flavoring like the only problem is like when you do this like plant-based shit there's a lot of protein and a lot of fiber so if you don't have enough water good night it's going in and coming right out no it's going in and it's staining for the next week and a half just hold on to the fucking walls yeah

sometimes you shit like a deer I gotta get you that fucking smelling juice that I was taking I think you'd like it oh there's Zana juice dude that stuff I'm telling you it saved my life that literally Frankie used to have his juice I still do it Zana

every now and then it came like a big like like a fucking like yeah my mom shine jug my mom used to buy wine in that size that's sad well you know that's you had to see a daemon she had kids she had daemon yeah they were named Joey kids Jen and Thomas yeah yeah

but yeah you had that and I remember you like oh yeah this is the stuff that I have and you like I drink this every day I'm not kidding the smell of that shit was the worst thing I've ever smelled in my life yeah I wouldn't be able to drink

it I didn't you would after like the first like six or seven shots you would get used to it dude because like what can bad yo I opened it and first of all shame free plug here they are it's it's living probiotics it is the my I kid you not my life has changed because

I would take that stuff like I am in remission and everything like fucking awesome no that's the word well yeah I'm just saying you know what I hear permission I think a cancer yeah don't have didn't and don't have cancer yeah knock on wood luckily thank god

but it smelled like I've smelled a dead body and it smells very close to a dead body smelled the dead body when I was in college I interned with a police department crime scene investigative team

where does the dead body smell like that juice very close but it's so vinegary it's it's like sour and putrid and your body smelling dude it's yeah because your body is getting rid of all this gas and like you're decomposing

so like just imagine like it's like burnt skin and sour and like tangy they're fucking gross dead bitches yeah but it's the fucking it's like made of like it's like juice like jalapenos

red cabbage and then when you think about it you're like oh yeah that's what it smells like yeah I remember it's smelling like cabbage but mixed with like an insane amount of vinegar like apple cider vinegar but like just dude it's good you should do it I would love to try it

to see if I can get it down because sometimes you could buy a small like a small thing of it you gotta give me the site I'll do it I'll do it yeah I don't know why I said it like I haven't I have to do it yeah yeah you seriously like your body will be like awesome

because you're and apparently like 80% of your health is controlled through your gut like we know more about like the ocean floor than we do our gut I've been doing more cambooch and like these like ginger shots and shit like that are supposed to be like anti-inflammatory and like gut health they have

so there are three flavors on that website and one of them is like bio which is meant for like you know like general like health and stuff like that and then they have a ginger and a turmeric one I've never tried those two so you might maybe that's probably spicy as tits there's one that's just ginger and one that's just turmeric so those are probably

fucking hot yeah big-time hot yeah also before we wrap this up I just want to say one thing yeah there is something coming very soon that I've been working on for a very long time and I need you guys to go to this site

it's called game coming soon dot info game coming soon dot info and put in your email address it's going to ask you to put in your email address when you go to it and you'll be one of the first people to know

about it once this project that I'm working on comes to reality all I got to do is put an email in and we're going to send you an email when everything's coming and from someone that knows what it is you're going to want to know

this is going to be fucking insane super excited about this thing and when it does become live I'm going to do an episode explaining everything about it and do an episode shut up shut your shut your damn mouth so go to gamecomingsoon.info

put your email in piece of shit you can also go to twitter what are you talking about I thought you were asking me to plug on twitter and on twitch if you want to come hang with me and play video games I know by the time this comes out I don't know

what's going on on my internet but thank you for everyone that does normally watch and has been patient with me I've moved into a new house so trying to figure out my internet has been quite fun and then the Frank Alvarez on Instagram if you want to go follow me there and then as of what we're recording

tomorrow is the shmo down draft so I might get drafted I might not either way go support my friends at the movie trivia shmo down find them anywhere if you just google go fucking find and support them it's awesome it's fun sweet guys again patreon.com I appreciate you guys at 8000 patrons

we're at like 7500 or 7600 or some shit 8000 I'm squirting some sailing in this butthole in this bunghole and yeah go follow the show at the basement yard on tiktok and instagram and that is all see you guys next time