The Basement Yard - #282 - My First Days As A Father

Episode Date: February 22, 2021

Frank tells us about the birth of his child and what it's like being a new dad Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome back to the basement yard dad frank is in the house fucking daddy i want to be zady frank actually you know you're gonna have to do a lot to get into like what like what i don't know do something like what start smoking cigarettes and stuff that's zady yeah like no i feel like that's like emphysema daddy that's like well that's that's like 50 years of smoking yeah i guess i'm talking about just like the cool one who stands outside with the paper in his hand his robes open he's like oh no that's a cigar i'll do that like

totally chicane i'm like i'm shitting out shy like you got holy shit up you fucking bitch give me my gotta go yeah uh i won't talk to my daughter like that good um uh just also just real quick just wanted to let everyone know about pay the price if you didn't watch last week's episode i'm telling you about it now me and greg who i do other people's lives is we came up with this game we shot a video for it and a kickstarter we need all the help we can get so we appreciate anybody who can go over to the kickstarter page at

kickstarter dot paythepricegame.com and uh it'll take you right to the kickstarter uh reserve a game for yourself it's gonna be a lot of fun franky played it in the video and then you can go over to the kickstarter watch the video that alone would be cool if you could watch that but it's a lot of fun this game is fucking wild game kind of sets the night on fire it like i could we played it and i was sober some of the people that i was with had some drinks cups a cups of drinks could you imagine how fucking

absolutely batch of crazy would have gotten if we were all drinking i'm telling you right now i've played this game with with the drunk people and it's mayhem i had to kick people out of my house it's fucking awesome it is so much fun and it ruins ruins lives sometimes sometimes or it strengthens them sometimes you never know it's it's it's it's pandora's box it even though you're really gonna get and you know what you know what else is pandora's box patreon patreon patreon.com says the basement yard uh you get every episode a week ahead and

you also get an extra episode every single week beat you oh fuck thank you that was pretty quick yeah but anyway tell me about your daughter dude you have a day you have i said you have a dad i have a dad you do have a dad unless i check yeah yeah yeah you know who knows i don't have a watch on what was that i don't have your dad's dead joke yeah i think so jesus christ started off hot yeah i have a so tell me about your daughter did you watch the birth the birth i didn't watch the birth but i

didn't watch your daughter come out i i saw a little bit i saw a little bit because i asked becker that was my thing it's like i want it first of all very quick very quick split on out of dude this baby was fucking like she took her time and she's got a sense of humor i think because she took her fucking time the due date was the second and then the third in the morning beck i had a doctor's appointment and they did some shit inside of her the doctor scraping of the membrane that's it they scraped the fucking my mom

told me that yeah yeah like it's a fucking like cold stone scoop you know exactly exactly i love that they didn't sing though well you didn't tip them do you remember when they would do that fucking cold stone yeah you were that piece of shit frankie's sister worked at a cold stone and they would sing every time you tip so he'd be in there like four dollars and he'd be like yep they'd sing a song and they'd be like cold stone here at cold stone there's fucking chocolate vanilla yeah what would you like yeah like

another dog yeah my dad did that too my dad went in with like a 20 i'm like he like broke it up into like fucking like tens it's only two times but this baby was just like yo like all right i'm fucking coming out slid on out of that she beckham was in labor technically for like four hours yeah because we got to the hospital at noon and the baby was born at four fifty four so like five hours almost that's dope but just they were like yo the doctor came in and she was like all

right like you're gonna push and beckham was like sure she got the epidural which helped her a lot she was just chilling she was just she got the when she got there she was fucking in pain she was getting choose those contractions what is that i don't know i know what contracting i think so i so it's kind of like well that's you know like oh that's what i think it is she explained it as a really bad charlie horse but i struggle to think that that could be what it is because i think it more of like a

cramp like a cramp in your foot i'm thinking like you feel because it's your uterus is like you know just like weak weak like it's pushing this baby yeah that's not like a catch up bottle yeah like an empty yeah yeah yeah yeah oish oish that's not an empty yes it is no that is not which is a little a little bit of catch up left that's all yeah that was bad yeah that was really good yeah but this baby was like i thought it would be like you feel like you're inside you're just like yeah that's what i thought yeah

apparently not but it just feels like oh she like yo we were in the car she got home from her doctor's appointment at like 10 and she was like i'm feeling a little contractions we're like all right let's do the timing thing you know they say under five minutes get your ass in the hospital right so the first one was like eight minutes the second one four we're like oh it's like this baby is sprinting this baby is fucking just who's saying bolt out of here let me out of here and uh then we're like she she's in the car

and she like can't move and she's fucking crying i'm like did you think the baby was gonna slide out into your like i didn't know what kind of car do you have again it was a it's like a 2500 crv yes those floor mats are going to be christened i love how you say it's like and then the exact making model of the car but imagine i saw a video online once of someone driving to the hospital and this woman just pulled a baby out of her shit dude well that's why like women that

choose to do at home births in a pool it's with with like a milk maid what is that you've got people churning butter behind them and then fucking popping a baby out there's a woman like in the pool with what are you doing i don't know this is the butter this is the butter panic moment baby is going on like how do i have to do you know but i sweet cream salt it i've seen i've seen videos of i didn't actually see the birth but i've seen videos of like you get a big pool you move furniture i don't like it yeah and then there's this

you know this milk maid dress woman who comes in what's that called like a doula a first hand what's it called a handmaiden no no no that's a different that's a show that's a good show handmaid's tail yeah handmaid's tail of of eden or whatever the fuck what's her name birth mom birth mom no what the fuck i know i know uh first woman it's like a no the first lady yeah that might be it that's presidential what is the word it's like a hand what is it a doula it's the only one that i know a doula

a doula that's one of them you gotta call we gotta call someone who you calling my sister call your sister and what's it called when you hire a woman to help your baby come out yeah yeah yeah ready this is gonna be good hey shannon you're on the basement yard right now which had a quick question hi shannon sure um you know when uh like a woman you wants to have birth in her in her living room in like a bathtub she like she has some other woman there like in a tub with her what's that woman called a doula oh why don't i think it was something like a handmaiden or something

like that like a first first hand no it's a doula okay but isn't there like a word like a like a there's another name for it i believe midwife yes that's right yes the middle wife okay thank you so much you're welcome thank you my residential pregnant baby goodbye she's not a baby and not pregnant right now no she's not as far as you know she was though she had been midwife that's what i want midwife they're the middle wife but i'm right too the doula you are the doula yes the doula but

like yeah people want to like give births and like fucking tubs and toilets and shit why why though why i guess like natural you want to be natural i guess it's like what does that mean your kid comes out free range organic at the point yeah no they say no like cage free baby they're selling that fucking torment we all come out with original sin getting religious damn is that what is that i don't i think it's like you know we you know god i think we did something like jesus before we got here gotcha you know what i mean on the way out just flipped in the bird basically

yeah you know we're all born with what they say is like original sin which means you know he died for us for you know that's kind of fucked up well you know this jesus guy is setting this up for failure from the start well no it's he forgives us well then why are you born with sin i literally don't make the rules you know they make them well you're wearing a fucking angels uh angel hat yeah angels in the outfield midwives in the pool damn midwives in the living room in the pool yeah but no like people do that we're like they like fucking like pull the baby out themselves or some shit

what do you do with this pool of placenta blood mess after the baby i don't know but i'll tell you this the color would be strange it would be a dark pool it would be strange and i would be terrified and that's why murky water that's why people like give birth at home like the reason like becker was saying she was like i would not want to do it because if something goes wrong you have a baby half hanging out of you and you need to just leave and and then what and then you have to get in the Honda then you gotta go into the Honda you know the toaster the driving toaster and you also have to put a towel down i

assume i assume you can't even sit you need to lay down you sit down that baby's gonna come out looking like a fucking v oh yeah you gotta crank the yeah yeah and that's what it that's what happened in that video they were driving on the highway and i don't even know who was filming because if this woman was filming that too then god bless this fucking woman uh but i think the husband was filming and driving and then this woman is just like laying back and she's pulling a baby out of her shit that's crazy yeah but then you have a a baby imagine dude imagine pulling up to the hospital right the emerge the er

are you and then you open the door and you're like my wife has a baby that is connected to the inside of her yeah in her hands yeah in my 2005 Honda CRV 2005 baby i don't know i don't know it would be terrifying but like it all happened so quick i had no chance to react like we got there she got thank god she got the epidural because she was fucking hurting dude Becca has a super high pain tolerance and like she seeing her in tears from pain i was like god damn like that's gotta be some shit isn't it a big syringe

no i mean i think it used to be the one now was like not that's not cool it was like yeah is that that cool i wanted to walk in with like yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying the guy came in and uh he had a pokemon lanyard on and his name was like excuse me he had a pokemon lanyard on so instantly i was cool with this guy you're like oh dude right you awesome i was instantly cool with this guy obviously i he's like oh you have a name for the baby and we're like yeah ruby i was like and instantly i was like we want to name her char's ard but

he's such a fucking idiot but like his name was like dr hashemi or something like that uh-huh and i felt bad because he walked into the room like a day or two later and he still had the pokemon lanyard on and that's how i remembered him and i go oh ash catch him is here but i i didn't want him to think it was a plan his last i didn't want him to think i was being insensitive and i didn't want him to like you know give my wife like a shitty you know fucking epidural yeah yeah he's like you know what i'm gonna stick this bitch in her but back

i didn't see five she didn't want me to watch i asked she when when we were talking about like preparing for the actual exit yeah she's like i said like where do you want me and she's like i want you up here with me and i'm like okay and i thought they were gonna like put gowns on so we couldn't see what was going on down there it was oh it was out and open baby oh there was no blanket no blanket so usually in movies they have like a blanket that goes over the knees yes and you can't see not in this hospital you saw

i i was looking at becca and then my periphery i could see it and so i'm just like you know like i i want to respect her wishes you know was she looking at you no becca was just looking down you know she only she pushed nine times it was one two three she took a break one two three took a break one two three like seconds it was one two three one two three i got it and then on the third one baby was out just like that Jesus dude this woman's a rock star man

well that's not an expression yeah smooth as a rock star i said this woman's a rock star others said smooth as a rock star rock stars are not smooth they're notoriously quite sandy yeah are they rough oh my i would say the rough run on the edges yeah i think he said smooth as a smooth as a rock star but the the nurse said at one point she was like if you want to see something cool now's the time and i gave a little look and i saw the baby's head coming out what you see i just saw her head coming out what did that look like it just looked like a head

coming out of a human yeah but like what like isn't the baby like the baby was very purple yeah super purple did it look like a brain no it looked like her head like it just looked like her head like just like smushed a little but like it came out perfectly round nice thank god okay knock on what i don't know why i have to knock on what it already happened yeah and she was very purple screaming screaming uh no she was pretty calm she came out and she was like fucking hanging out she was like sub she she came out she was like yeah guess who bitch babies love to come out and shake

yeah well well they have no muscles they are yeah they're full on like weaklings yeah they're just they're she came out yeah like like a like a jello baby basically only a baby it's just fucking betty spaghetti just popped out of my wife and then they have to like shove stuff in her in their nose so yeah so they had to shove they had to like yeah they had to unplug them yeah and they had to do it in her mouth too turkey based them yes reverse based reverse based yeah the yeah but it was fucking so quick like you had i had no chance to be like holy shit like

it just happened did you cut the cord i did cut the cord oh that's a that's a thick boy okay hold on ill okay dude it was fucking nuts man how does this happen right so who's holding the baby so the doctors hold the baby and i wet baby wet just fucking covered in gel yeah wet baby yeah yeah yeah human gel yeah yeah yeah so and then and then there's like a cord and it's leading to the inside i thought the cord was going to be like a cool color it's just white oh it's very white like these lights like very white whoa yeah so the bit the doctor's holding the

baby and i asked Becca i was like are do you want to cut the cord she's like no the dad cuts the cord i was like okay and you fucking slide all right they give you a knife or scissors it's like scissors but they're not like real scissors they're like medical scissors so they have they're like hinged yeah you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah those weird hell yeah yeah i think you snip one snip one snip oh i'm a snippy boy you can't be over there like no no no because that shit was thick yeah she goes she goes you gotta go hard i'm like why she goes it's thick she said that that's what the doctor said go hard

sick go hard dude i was ready to fucking bowl up and dunk on this bitch she said you gotta go hard yeah damn i that's mad nerve racking i was i was like all right snip went hard fucking bang crushed it like a man what happens to the part that's connected to the inside the placenta oh then they just that's what they pulled out they pulled literally she was in there and she pulled it out she wait who's she the doctor oh she pulled out she like fucking like lassoed the placenta yeah like fucking like yanked it out so they cut they and then they make the second cut on the belly button i'm assuming so they

like yeah yeah well yeah so they like they like cut it like here and then they like tie it with like a fucking like paper bag clip you know what i mean like a potato chip clip got you you know yeah just fucking just like clipping it like a thing of lays yeah and like the baby's just like chilling with that until it falls off it's crazy this is so dude it's not it is so no and that's the other thing is like everyone we talk about like birth and it's like oh it's gonna be fucking gross like dude when it's happening it is so fucking no i believe it magical yeah i believe you that like there's nothing gross about it right

you know more gel i'm like yo throw this fucking baby in a pool of just fucking green liquid yeah yeah you know what i mean like just like juice is coming out you know oh there was green stuff i don't i well i think there might have been because so the baby's remember the name of the baby's first poop three two one oh manusea what is that meconium very close you got the end i got it but um the baby did that inside becca yeah your daughter shit in your wife yeah oh my god damn that's crazy yeah yeah yeah awesome so what happened and they just had to like that's why they had to

do the turkey base so i assume like some of like the stuff was coming out oh yeah but his baby came out man fucking becca crushed it dude yeah i mean she sounds like she fucking she was smooth as a rock star smooth as a rock star baby she literally that's gonna be march i have had like the ultimate existential crises over the last week crisis what's that potato yeah you're making it like you know i have like i've like and i've i sent you a list of things yeah you did i sent you a list of things that i've realized in my short week because at the time of recording guys it's been a week seven days since my my babe has been into this world

yeah so i have i have a list of things that you sent me with no context none uh the first one so at first i thought i was reading a haiku um uh but then there was too many syllables mm-hmm haiku is five seven five oh you had no idea i don't know first one just says you have no control uh-uh you got none of what anything anything that you think you had control over in your life the baby now controls right there's no like do you are you guys on ships no i try uh honestly i tried to do like all of the night time stuff like there is some stuff i can't do obviously like breastfeeding because you hate when people suck on i no one's touching my nipple so i'm referencing a patreon episode you guys can go check out right now yeah

um no one's touching my nipples especially a baby yeah but like yo you think like yo if anyone's gonna touch those nipples it's gonna be me yeah okay it's like yo you think you want to go to sleep not right now no y'all you're hungry waiting till i eat yeah oh you're running out the door i'm gonna shit my pants so you need to change me first nothing like it's crazy this small eight pound just fucking glob of meat yeah controls everything that's awesome and it's so cool so you've got you've changed a lot of diapers oh yeah so how much how much like so how was your first poo poo kaka duty i waited about a day to like the so at the hospital the nurses were like you know they were coming in we stayed for a couple days the nurses were coming in checking out everything

and they would do the changing for like the first like two or three because they want they need a log like what kind of dumps this baby's taking right yeah any bowel movement you need a log anytime this baby fees they need a log yeah this baby pisses fucking write the time down yeah you know this baby does more like so the meconium is for like a couple days you know and it come yo it literally it looks like silly putty like it comes out and it's just like brown and like you know when like you have like mashed potatoes have too much butter in it and you slide them to the side and it leaves no fucking mashed potato residue that's what it is this baby it looks like fucking chocolate pudding chocolate pudding is good but it looks good oh okay it doesn't taste

it i assume okay i haven't tasted my baby's gonna ask it was gonna ask and it just smelled like eggs yeah damn your baby's giving eggs yeah yeah yeah yeah so we have no control and i've been changing diapers like fucking anytime like she used to you gotta wipe butts and you gotta like paste no no paste yet just wiping just wiping okay just why no paste yet uh too soon i don't know you just don't need paste yet okay uh everything begins to hurt oh yeah you're in pain yeah from just being alive no sleep how many hours have you slept honestly i would say on average i get maybe like four or four and a half hours that's pretty good it's not bad but it's not like a like all at the same time got you so like what it's been is first of all she sleeps all day but then

she waits until night to be up yeah you know the freaks come out at night freaks come out at night my baby's freaked the freak she'll i'll like get in bed and fall asleep from like 11 to 12 and then i'm up until about two two 30 and then i'll fall asleep for like three hours and then i'll fall asleep again after she wakes up to eat yeah and it's oddly enough though i will say this i i felt energy like i don't feel fucking tired well i think it's a lot of adrenaline yeah you're like there's a fucking baby in the next room that will die if i don't touch if i don't like pick it up every yeah so like so like the type of person i am and becker called us out she's like yo you're you've been non-stop yeah we got home and i was i was putting stuff away i was doing

this i was buh buh buh buh buh buh buh buh if i stop i get tired so if i just keep going i'm fucking i'm Gucci baby and you're here and i'm here yeah recording baby yeah recording baby's in the other room no she's not she's not she hasn't even seen this thing yeah it honestly is a myth i don't even know for sure if it is out it's a her first of all that's what i what did i say she you said it well yeah it's a her well technically we're gonna let her decide no or never mind i'll fuck that again dammit but yeah everything like instantly like my back started hurting my fucking like my knees started hurting my body's just like yo you're dead now let's say let's give you a couple years oh good old joints you know that's good and and and i found myself bouncing at

random points now yeah you gotta bounce that baby so i just walk around now like i'll put the baby down and i'll watch her and still be fucking bouncing uh you facetime the other day and you were wearing one of those pouches dude that shit was awesome i like kangaroo pouches dude this kangaroo this baby slept in that for like two two and a half hours that's amazing it's awesome and i ate i got a little parmesan cheese on there oops you got parmesan cheese in your baby it was good parmesan cheese though well at least there's that well it's also cheese is isn't cheese like dangerous for babies it didn't get in her mouth oh i got on her head i don't know i'm just trying to you know throw you on the bus yeah cps yeah cps cpr um you lose your mind very quickly yes

because like people i've heard people say like yo like parenthood like you start to lose your mind like slowly nah like from the lack of sleep and like you're just like it's instantly gone yeah you're just like yo fuck you know like what do i have to do you know the baby's crying and it's like they need to be burped they need a new diaper or they're hungry and it's like you need to quickly like learn one of those because if not it's just gonna scream at you how many boops a day are we talking this baby's booping like i would say like four five times a day that's it that's it i thought that was a little no that's that's that's a lot i think these i think your baby's gonna she's gonna crank that up she's i mean in terms of i'm talking about double digit craps

oh i think she's gonna crap you're crapping yeah like 10 times i'll tell you she's crapped twice and by crap i mean like up the back oh she crapped her back she crapped her back dan your baby crapped her back she crapped her back she listens to baseman yard she's obviously because poop was my number one like yeah stay away from her hoping that she didn't have the ability i was hoping she would be like a cool pooper yeah she's a she's fucking she's going for intensity and frequency and yeah she's really cranking them out wow were you a big as a baby were you a big baby pooper um i don't remember you were kind of an ugly baby i was a very fat you were fucking gross yeah well now we're getting into different you were you were you were now i'm starting

to disagree with no you were a gross fat baby i was fat gross is heavy your legs looked like fucking like churros that i'm in agreement with my wrists yeah fuck your baby my arms looked like my mom was tying string around my joints like it looked like just popping it was insane yeah you look gross um speaking of gross uh the next thing i have is nothing is that gross it's not what's that like oh like touching poop like i haven't gotten any poop on my hands yet i assume it'll come i didn't fucking dive out of the way though of a poop she spit rocket a poop at me she what she fucking shot a poop at me no yeah i fucking oh i legitimately oh shit so she sprayed at you not sprayed so like she was holding her legs up she fucking yeah so she she pout yeah and i'm cleaning

her yeah yeah holding the legs up you know i'm getting good in this i'm getting good at this pretty good good and she farted as i was cleaning her and fucking she fired off a bullet a warning shot she sprayed you almost but it was like a hole that's what's like a whole piece like a like a it wasn't like a fucking oh it was it was a piece of like tigiri god you know she fucking straight like fucking fired off a nine millimeter wow yeah and it's not that gross like you get used to it well it didn't hit you in the face it didn't adapt would be i'd be pissed you get it talking to let me tell you daniel rabies isn't it crazy how like much force babies have when they're first born because i remember my brother telling me that his baby same deal spray fart but like distance dude i'm like

you how much air is it well guys guys boys have penises and oh penises pee those things are super socos yeah they could pee farther than i could pee now those things are super socos those things literally can fucking shoot you know they can hit the ceiling from here yeah it's a legitimate sprinkler you know so they got a lot of force and a little bit of a body you know oh yeah uh this next one men are useless yes we are there's literally no point for men on this planet fucking pointless why well during the birthing process you didn't do anything i probably less than that i gave her the seed and everything else was done by this woman right she fucking carried this babe around for nine months in her womb she fucking birthed it and then she gives it life and sustenance

damn you're using words nice word right i have no fucking i mean i'm there to help yeah and like by that definition i'm not useless but like realistically if i wasn't there my wife back i would be fucking awesome yeah i mean you have useless nipples i nipples mean nothing to me right you know my nipples are pointless right but like me as a whole entity useless this baby can survive without me you're uh you're a personal assistant now basically basically you're an errand boy yeah and like i i and you work for for Becca and the baby and i was talking with my brother about this and um you know we i really do believe it's true as a per as a man as someone who is going to have a child and this series like you need to be okay with the fact that you will never be first in

your significant other's life ever again and like i like i went into that because Becca had a child when we started dating yeah but like then when having another child like i'm number three now yeah at best you're you're i might even fall a little lower sometimes but move it down the tone pole there's no like i have there's no point for me like you need you legitimately as a man and i believe this when someone is ready because they always say you're never ready to have a kid but like you need to be okay with the fact that you will never be first in this person's life their priority is going to be that child and not you right if a fucking and like same for Becca Becca's fucking second fiddle third fiddle you know earthquake happens first one to get the baby

me sorry you're gonna beat her in a race you're in a race absolutely you know earthquake happens i'm using her body as a plank yeah to cross over a fucking crevasse yeah exactly but she would do the same for me right well for the baby yeah with you yes uh the next one i have on here tits are wild dude they do it all tits are nuts breast milk's actually a crazy thing it's a crazy substance it's like when the baby is like sick it pumps like antibodies into the titty milk yeah and it just like gives it to like it's like tits can make like it make milk they make chicken dinners they make ibuprofen what ibuprofen how you pronounce that yeah i i view you had it i boo no i i view yep ibuprofen there you go um they make like for headaches and shit also like uh

if a baby's got eczema you can put like breast milk on it now psoriasis and eczema and shit you just fucking yeah actually it heals it all baby i heard that like yeah and like again many useless we don't have lactating boobies we have penises but that doesn't do much yeah it doesn't do much it gives cum which sure babies wouldn't exist without that but but realistically like that's like you just walk away oh don't don't do that that's what i'm saying like you just walk away go do it again and then walk away from that one it's fucking wild dude this baby is just like sitting there gnawing on beckas nipples yeah they they have a crazy amount of suction it's kind of the fucking cutest thing in the world to like that my that my daughter does is when she wants the nipple

it's fucking ha ha ha she says she's fucking she's like a fucking jackal dude this girl loves tits yeah and when she's done she won't be like she fucking she finished and she's like is immediately passes out fucking will throws her body backwards and goes to sleep yeah she my nephew is just like this while he while he's on the tit yeah already sleeping but still not yeah it's fucking adorable it is so cute um nurses are gods and goddesses yes they are listen i understand doctors are are like awesome cool but nurses are fucking the unsung heroes of the world at least the united states i don't know about you know like fucking like Lithuania or some stupid place god damn what about the Lithuanians out there no one from Lithuania listens don't even

know where that is yeah me neither Russia it's right next to Romania and Transylvania Transylvania is where vampires are from yeah they're fucking hanging out there where is Transylvania um where they say it Pennsylvania i don't know it's gotta be near Russia they have that like Russian dialect to them do they like hello i want to suck your blood yeah oh yeah you know russians they're like very like yeah sounds like this vodka yes but uh what were they saying oh nurses fucking greatest women and men on the planet they crushed it dude they're they're always and they're coming in and out always and they're like yo you good or can i get you anything that you need like yo i fucking i need a Snickers bar they'll go grab a Snickers bar like yo fucking coffee they'll make a pot of coffee

for you these women and men are fucking gods and goddesses it's so wild to me that like that's someone's job like to be like a delivery nurse to like every day you're delivering babies yeah Becca like at one point Becca because afterwards you had bad bad bad migraines bad migraines and it was really really tough and she got visibly upset and was talking we were talking to the nurse and the nurse and Becca was like i'm sorry like i i'm i'm sure like you like it's annoying she's like but i'm not faking it and the woman was like you think you're the first fucking pregnant woman to cry to me she's like this happens every day yeah you know it's a very fucking wild time so like the fact that nurses in general but like also like delivery nurses

can just like be like calm cool collected and just like fix almost anything i want to kiss them all in the mouth go out and we should start a facebook group and a hashtag kisses kiss the nurse kiss a nurse kiss the nurse with their consent with consent yeah with permission yeah with kiss the nurse with permission yep yeah hashtag maybe not on the mouth and also it's covid blow a kiss to him oh you're actually blowing kisses is actually that's also bad too just say hi or kiss the nurse give them bags of her she's kisses that too because those are good yeah but not the caramel ones that's the one time i hate caramel what the caramel kisses oh you know what all right i might be there i've never had them but they're not caramel m&m's are fucking hot garbage you want to

talk about white chocolate i love white chocolate oh man i don't white chocolate her she's kisses with the peppermint in it you just described something that would literally make me cry why like if i had secrets for our country all they would have to do is make me eat three of those and i would disclose everything i love them no there's a peppermint also is just fucking disgusting no do you like peppermint patties no those i don't like chocolate and peppermint mixed you just described i said white chocolate chocolate white chocolate is not chocolate it's fucking sugar and milk chocolate no what's white chocolate white chocolate is not real chocolate it's just fucking sugar there's no such thing as white chocolate joey it exists but it's not

like a natural thing like chocolate is a natural thing white chocolate is just like america being like we're fat let's make something worse and call it white and call it white that was the weirdest what did we just i was rubbing my back because it hurt so you had to give me a sec there all right let's get to these ads let's do them before we move forward here into the show all right let's get to these ads shall we uh first we have liquid iv liquid iv you guys know liquid iv they've been on the show for a very long time now but they're keeping you hydrated they're keeping you healthy as well because not only do they make uh like the coolest uh things that keep you hydrated on the market these little packets and you pour them

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to a baby the doctor comes in and he goes why aren't you talking like this doctor comes in the doctor comes in the room yeah and he has a bottle first of all she you fucking pig women can be doctors too it was a woman doctor so the the woman doctor comes in and has a bottle of olive oil cup a cup of extra virgin olive oil i don't know if it was extra virgin i don't even know what that means it has more of like an olivey taste so she poured olive oil on your wife's hello get proceed well we're in there and she has two she holds up two cups and she goes one of it i swear to god one of it red bill blue and one of it was red wine i thought it was red wine it's like iodine now you're fucking with me no oh no she holds up red wine olive oil

dude this one she holds up fucking this cup of red liquid i'm like i thought i'm like is this some religious shit like for the blood of christ over the baby is they come i swear to god and then it wasn't it was like it's like iodine it's it's a sanitizer roger but like they didn't like you know wipe it they just like wank they poured it like a fucking bucket of paint just on your on becca's on her and then she's like also this is olive oil to help with the stretching and then you just fucking poured a cup of olive oil on becca nature's king dog how all this fucking science and shit that we have and just simple ol olive oil all you need is olive oil all you need it's slick yeah it is slick i do yoga in the mornings

sometimes don't do this no i do okay but now i'm thinking because i'm not very flexible no you know it's alarming mm-hmm so that's why i've been trying to do yoga to get more flexible and uh i'm thinking now maybe i should just cover my body and olive oil before i start you might you might hey good old stretch that might help you baby take baths and stretch in the bath that's what i used to do you stretched in the bath stretch in the bath yeah it loosens you up how do you stretch in the bath you fucking legs out in front of you and you just lean forward and just touch your toes can you touch your toes can you put your palms on the floor fuck no you can't no way okay you could put your palms on the floor i'm pretty sure i can i can get to like right here

that's i like i just i'll verify you better have straight fucking knees okay everything about me straight okay wow you're down there back now you're a flexible little flexible little whore i told you this i told you this no one believes how flexible i know i mean i believe it i've seen those legs go up dude they go back they go back i get folded up like an accordion yeah you know yeah you would have had 10 babies by now what is that if you could get pregnant you'd just be a great person to have sex with because of oh because of the flex i never understood that yeah i never got that when guys are like oh look at how flexible she is waiting till i fuck her yeah and you're like what are you

gonna fuck her like a pretzel like this i've never once during sex been like this is great but it would be a lot better if you could get your fucking leg behind your head why is that cool so you can carry them like a handbag like i don't get it yeah the girl like the the people that can like they like fold themselves and put their legs behind their head and it's like their fucking parts or they could do a full split it's like oh i'm gonna do a full split on your dick why how much room do you think we have you're like how i don't have a king-size mattress i don't know what's kind of bed you think we're working why do you think that would be attractive to me i would we would have to rent out a gym that's where that to be a thing and like have you ever seen someone go

into a split there's a point where they just the bottom falls out yeah they're not like going down slowly they're just like punch and to be bouncing up and down is near impossible yeah yeah that would be not cool and then what are they gonna hold their legs out and you fucking like this is it doesn't make sense am i supposed to score them like it's the olympics also 8.7 or whatever none of that makes me horny yeah it doesn't it doesn't do it it did when i was younger because i didn't know better yeah when we were kids fucking flexibility was cool now it's like you're showing up whoa she's it she's a dancer her leg goes super high that means that you could have sex with her while she's standing yeah yeah the girls can like hold their leg up and it's like what are you gonna do yeah

like we're gonna have sex in a phone booth yeah listen up roger your dick can't even reach yeah come on give me a break figure it out anyone dude anyone who's like i get having sex standing up i get it for a little bit but to like actually go out of your way to be like yo i love this you're nuts no one does no one does it's it's it's a small laying down activity it's a small it is it's it's a it's a rolling around laying down activity rolling rumbling the jungle rumbling the jungle exactly the jungle being this queen size bed that you have i have a bigger bed than you yeah wow i've made it i've made it size beds are huge they're awesome yeah but i would feel like i would get a loss in that you do i i'd like a queen size bed i think you have no reason

to have anything bigger well now but i think even if all right if i had a king size bed the only reason why i would have one is if i had three wives and we all need to fit in it well or children they're not sleeping in my bed i get an old fucking bed you say that now i do say that now you say that now unless i have an octo mom i'm like that too octo mom she got eight kids yeah i got eight um i'm the same way but there are some nights where you just can't get around it yeah because there are like there are i'll tell you this miles we had a queen size bed that kid takes up he's fucking three foot four his knee is in your ass dude that kid takes up a lot of space yeah and when he and when you get too close he lets you know he kicks you i swear to god i would hit him

yeah yeah i won't i won't hit him right not physically but mentally mentally i punched him in the throat a couple times right yeah no but yeah so uh what the fuck are we talking about beds olive oil olive oil beds and beds um also i just wanted to talk to you about something actually you sent it to me i definitely wanted to bring it up on the show because i think it's amazing um i don't know which state it was i don't know if you remember i'm gonna pull it up because it might not oh it was actually in slavakia yes yes because yes because obviously because yes that's why uh the reason why it was in slavakia is because yes but let's just i'll paint the picture for you guys police are giving credit to a woman for helping them stop a thief from getting

away with a robbery using an unusual method so how did she do it joey well did she tackle the man no did she have a gun and hold him at gunpoint no then what did she do she used her mouth as a gun and she performed a sex act on him specifically filet tio a man walks into a gas station wielding a gun robbing the place this woman goes i know how to keep him here and sucks him that's what happened in slavakia because yes first of all listen if if someone you know i'm not gonna good for this woman i guess well how i mean hey she's a he first of all it's in broadest lava which the only things that happen there are like bad yeah you know nothing good happens there broadest bro but it was saying that like the one like i answered like a convenience store some share like a gas station

yeah not really like where if i was to rob i wouldn't go there but also if that place was getting robbed what the fuck would i care you know like i'm not gonna be a hero yeah dude take the fucking Doritos you want oh you oh you want the 30 bucks that's in the fucking cash register go ahead yeah i don't need it if you're gonna want to rob and make some money you got to do it the real way yeah you know what i'm saying have a pyramid scheme and destroy a couple families don't take 40 bucks from a fucking 711 you dumb bitch yeah baby go use the white providence that joe was blessed with yeah hack like cryptocurrency or something yeah dogecoin dogecoin or something idiot yeah and then what actually no why did you fart no something smelled go ahead

go ahead okay sorry it's not really bad no i don't know what's going on um no but uh this woman i you know i'm very interested in what else she's done in her life because if that's her natural reaction to a gunman showing up what else is how have we not have some iteration of a superhero that was her form of arrest she is a real life superhero she should be put on the force that's what i'm saying like she is just unlocked a brand new crime fighting technique because when you think about it if you're robbing a place and some woman's really really willing to suck you you might stick around you have to at least figure it out it's a 70 30 chance that you're saying and i mean i i i have you seen a picture of this woman no that's a thing though it's like if i'm going in

and i'm fucking you know loading up like shooting the place up and then you know someone comes up to me and it looks like you yeah hello oh i thought you were gonna say no no yeah you're hot oh thanks you know it oh what if it looks like me well i mean well what we're gonna have to waste some options how far away is the police station things like that things like that but i mean this is just genius this is genius this woman's a superhero it is but i don't think it matters what she looks like because this man is robbing like a convenience store you know where they're selling tequitos i don't think it's standards for crime or women is that particularly high what's the uh slavaki inversion of tequitos um probably something made from like the stomach of a pig like the lining of

it or something i don't know it is called sausage penis yeah yeah something like that yeah something that has like a like a name i don't know i just know that because yes that's why because of because of brados lava which also sounds like a delicious kind of sounds like a good like dessert like a brados lava yeah like what are you gonna have i'll take the brados lava yeah the brados lava yeah it sounds meaty though it's kind of why i like it um and after this came out um there was a big push and a big movement in the uh movie industry for uh the marvel cinematic universe to create a new superhero that fights crime side by side thore who we know as a god who has a hammer and will like kill you spider man who swings through the city very nice guy charismatic and then

they're gonna have this woman from brados lava who's sucking off than else yeah throw whoever throat girl yeah throat girl could be throat girl or throat woman the mighty phylaish well no you would sound more like a wrestler yeah the mighty phylaish that kind of that kind of does yeah but that's such an interesting interesting thing can you imagine for the bystanders like picture you're the guy behind the counter oh oh and then you're like oh what is happening i just imagine like oh yeah you're like oh oh here oh my god oh my god oh this guy went from fucking robbing the place and dapping up the guy behind the counter in a matter of second this guy sucks that'd be crazy man this guy robs you and then just gets blown in front of you

i think like if if someone were to break into my house that's when i would start throwing my body at them to keep them around you know what i mean like please please don't don't take the tv have me what are you wearing a bed a button down i guess i do i guess i am wearing don't take the tv i'm wearing a fucking full-on button down i take the hat off and everything that had the fucking ball why did people wear hat pajamas no idea no idea hat that has a ball on it no idea what is that and they wore like footies too like grown-ass men wore like footies to bed striped pajamas like prisoners and they had it had like the door on the back the button door

the button flap you could take fat poops in pants yeah in theory cool in execution i got to take the pants off assume a bad idea just slide them down i gotta assume people back then did such stupid shit the pajama hats is fucking dumb i'm pretty sure it was like a real thing that like in like the 50s like up until then it's like men and women like a husband and wife slept in separate beds oh and it was like don't touch don't touch them yeah yeah you know they were all immigrants from italy don't touch them yes and they have separate lamps yeah goodnight and they hit them at the same well that we do that we like but you don't have separate lamps but do you shut them off simultaneously no you know what i mean no i keep mine on to do stuff and she shuts hers off

when she's going to bed or do you guys always go to sleep together no i'm a night out i'm a night out i i like staying up late i just don't like going to sleep what i don't know this is funny you don't like sleeping i don't i like staying like it's so tough because like you wake up at least in our household wake up miles ready to play do stuff you know hang out play fucking cereal fruity pebbles fruity pebbles fruity fucking pebbles you know and then it's like during the day like now especially fruity pebbles babies around babies around baby baby baby baby at night miles sleeping baby sleeping Becca sleeping that's my time to shine baby that's my time to shine so what do you do fruity pebbles fruity pebbles fruity pebbles dog i bought some the other day oh my god i'm gonna go home

and crush some dude i haven't had a fruity pebble a single pebble not one pebble in a very long time also when you go to certain donut shops and they have donuts i have fruity pebbles on them i'm getting it every time no see i'll tell you this i won't i'll get it to try it but every time i've had that it has they ruin the pebbles it they're stale pebbles they're soft they're soft pebbles i don't want a soft pebble you're right and i don't like that no i want a good hard crunchy pebble it's not one that i bite into and i go my teeth goes through like it's fucking cardboard yeah i like a stiff pebble yeah yeah i really am not a fan of these hard pep uh the soft pebbles but fruity pebbles fruity pebbles where are you where it's fruity pebbles up there for you oh it's

up there i also bought an uh a sleeper pick the other day too frost and Cheerios oh my god it's 2003 well well they're very good i haven't had them in a very long why the fuck haven't you i oh that's right you've abandoned breakfast cereal everyone joey's moved on to fucking you know protein from wahaka and you know fucking organic coffee from a bum's asshole in brooklyn listen the reason why i don't have cereal is the same reason why we don't use asbestos to insulate your house because it's fucking dangerous you're playing with fire it it could it could hurt you potentially i don't know and then when i have cereal oh yeah the microphone to this stomach yeah and then and then you know and then fire comes out of me really even like almond milk

anything that you eat that's not true creates fucking danger no no no it's just like milk and like any milk i actually haven't tried old milk so why don't you have cereal with water what the fuck did you just say cereal with water i mean what kind of freak have you found the issue correct it let's be honest the milk isn't what you're there for the cereal i'm not but you also you need but i don't you need to mix it with something yeah water you need a wet why not water a liquid you need a wet why not water just fucking water that bitch up because no why have you tried it no so then no why not because it's not a water thing why not i need a substance i know there's people out there they'll be like yo i like my cereal with water and i hope they i honestly i

honestly hope they fall down i do i really do hope they fall down i hope they get punched in the uterus yeah they're women they're all women they're all women every single one they're all bad yeah men don't have uteruses do we no that was a question no i think it's we have balls instead we have balls instead everyone's got a colon that's ovaries ovaries is what i'm thinking the ovaries are balls in the woman testes and then ovaries if i come into your house and i got a gun give me your lifetime membership for fruity pebbles are you sucking me off well you didn't add that you just you fuck that up okay you have to put the second part

of that in which is like either suck me off or lose all you just said give me them and then ask me if i would suck you for taking my shit fair fair is that what you're doing i'm getting an ultimatum yeah i mean i could give them up you can you can really yeah i'm not going to trade my mouth virginity for cereal frank for a lifetime supply of fruity pebbles yeah i'm gonna go to the store get cap and gun and listen i get cinnamon dunch i could get cocoa butt you know what other ones i had fucking cookie cream all right we've done this before years ago but let's revisit it or not years ago i think it was months ago give me your top three cereals cap fruit fruit pet

cap fruit pet okay and sito true or false cereal tastes better during christmas when it's cereal when it's christmas themed what are you talking it's fucking true what do you mean like like it's taste better it's just taste in december or like what'd you just what was that i felt my back was on fire it's just because the sun is beaming down oh you thought that you just got busted i was like why am i hot no but uh what are you talking about like christmas themed yes like christmas fruity pebbles are better than regular fruity pebbles i don't i don't know if i've ever seen christmas captain crunch are better than regular cat i don't like any of this i don't like what the fuck why don't you like it because i don't

like themed shit i think it's i think it's stupid like themed like shit like like food let me guess you don't like the the the peep orios peep orios you ever had them oh like peeps but orios yeah i like for real yeah i'd rather be hit by a vehicle that's disgusting they're so good if there's marshmallow in a cookie it's like marshmallow in the cream and there's crunchies that's gross no peeps are disgusting no don't don't fucking do this joey don't fucking do this peeps are gross no they're not yes they are no they're not it's just marshmallow and like great hard sugar in the shape of a bird that's a bite the birds they also have christmas trees and hearts now you can talk about christmas trees the fucking sugar cookies around

christmas time no i could blend those up and funnel them into my ace like the ones like the entamines ones no no no they like you they come in like um i think it's like pills barrier or something but you could like it comes in little you gotta bake them oh they have that for everything we got pikachu ones for miles a couple weeks ago those are fucking amazing those are really good oh they're really good hey all right well like the hard sugar cookies that you could buy like separately that are just and has like those are trash and the ones that sit out long enough and like get rumbled enough so like all the sugar is just on the bottom of the container yeah it's like uh did you grow enough did you get those uh those butter cookie tins like your grandparents or

something yeah my mom would put like needle and thread in there oh i was talking like did you ever eat the cookies yeah they're very dry they're very good but they're good they're butter they were really good yeah but like they're dry were they i don't remember them being that dry i love you i love you i want to make sure i said that you tell your baby you love her oh yeah she gets all the love dog sorry oh yeah you're number three in my life now joey four beckham i'll ruby i don't believe that but i'll take it i think i'm more i'm i'm around like eight yeah yeah yeah i would say it's good top 10 you're top 10 baby well that's my space right there top eight you top and eight now my space yeah you're a great top okay see what i did there

yeah you might be a bottom it's hard to say you look good either way i don't think it has anything to do with no actually you better be a top your ass is gross i mean i would listen there's nothing you could do to fix that yes there is stand up let me see i'm going to pull out my asshole not your asshole but your butt no why not i'm scared go over there so they can't see you on the camera no i'm self-conscious now okay just do it anyways i don't care come on stand up go to the doorway pull out your butt cheeks uh do you think i'm in third grade and i'm going to succumb to this pressure just do it right no no no come on i can't i'm scared i'll do it if you do it i don't want to see your bum okay what was that this is my neck you're not afraid of killing yourself no i'm not i'll die

right now i don't care how often do you do that a couple times a day it does that multiple times a day you can't crack your neck dude i've never cracked anything crack it right now how what do i do just go like this and just keep going nothing's happening you put your fist i'm fucking scared it's supposed to feel so tight okay you can't do it you can't crack yourself i can crack no this thing you're freshly cracked wait this one might be good oh my god that bothered you i yo i won't i just i didn't i never knew how much i hated that what i don't know that was very bad

those aren't bad that one though that was great that sounded like yeah i could do i could do it to you oh yeah that's gonna happen give me that's going to happen just give me for sure i'm gonna let you do it i'm yep it won't hurt i'm coming right now i guarantee i'm coming over there you can crack my knuckles for sure not your knuckles like right here no no what the fuck's on your finger why are you are you bleeding i just bite my finger sometimes when i get bored oh that's natural that's a that's a perfect reaction yeah i bite it can i see it frankie you're gonna get like a staph infection no i'm good i wash and sanitize we're gonna we're in a pan panosomic right where are you gonna do that no i don't open wounds i don't like touch

things i'll get a bit do you have any fucking band aids no yeah so then why the fuck are you gonna criticize me i didn't know that you were gonna walk in here with a freshly bit finger don't touch me if you're disgusting freak hands ew i missed this dynamic one week away and i missed this oh anyway i think we can wrap up here oh i just realized that's a pocket tee yeah pocket baby run pocket yeah as opposed to a back pocket on a shirt i've never seen one but i'm sure they exist don't ever do that but anyway frank where can they find you uh you could find me f alvor is 8085 on twitter and on twitch i also i got drafted by the movie trivia schmo down baby new jersey zone sam levine drafted me and i got a match coming up by the time this comes out uh

yeah match on march 11 against brother lumas so make sure you go check out movie trivia schmo down on uh youtube google them you'll find everything they're patreon youtube everything it's great and then the frank alvor is on instagram make sure you guys go check out patreon.com slash the baseman yard uh you join there you get exclusive content that nobody else gets the access to see and every single weekly episode you get it a week ahead smooth as a rock star baby smooth as a rock star because yes uh guys uh go check out pay the price uh go to the kick starter kick starter dot pay the price game dot com or just go to kick starter and type in pay the price and you'll see it um check out all the rules watch the video see if you like it if you do would mean the world if

you guys can support it um that would be awesome we're trying to take it to the moon as they say you know i'm taking all the money that we make on kick starter and putting it into the game none of it is going in my pocket i really want this to be like the number one game in the world so we're going to try and do that uh go follow the show at the baseman yard at on tick tock and instagram uh and you can follow me at joe sanagato and that is all see you guys next time bye you