The Basement Yard - #284 - The Hot Birthday Boy Bash

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

It's Joe's birthday! Let's do a shot & then drive this podcast into the ground! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. How's it going Frank? Joey! Birthday boy! Ladies and gentlemen, the day that we are recording this, you might not know, but it's this fucking beautiful bitch's birthday, my guy. It is, it is. Happy birthday, Joey. Thank you, dad. Happy br- That was good. That felt good. My dad called me yesterday to tell me of my birthday.

Oh, he got it wrong? No, no, no. He called me yesterday. He's like, I know you fucking bitch and you're not gonna pick up tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which he called me today also. But, well, my dad does this thing where he'll call me and then I pick up, he's like, oh, cool. Yeah. Five times that day. Oh, really?

And I pick up two, ignore the rest. Oh, wow. If I didn't answer my parents' calls, it would be like, are you okay, you're live? No, my dad sends me an email. Damn, your dad emails you? Yeah. What's your dad's email? I want to say it because it's so funny.

Yeah. There's, you know what? I'm gonna say it, but it's not gonna be the actual one because there's numbers that are involved. Yeah. But just know that in the email, there's rock and roll. Oh. Yes.

My dad's email has rock and roll. Oh, yes. Rock and roll. Not rock and roll. No, not rock and roll. Not rock and roll. No, not like Captain Crunch. Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, that's a great one. Cookies and cream. Yeah. Cream. Yeah. So for your birthday, so for your birthday, I know, you know, I'm new dad. I haven't been able to have any drinks. And we're adults, so we don't do this whole, like, here's a birthday gift also because

I put no thought into it. Right. Right. Great and right. I figure we can just do a birthday shot. Just one birthday shot of my making just to give you something for your birthday. Just so everyone knows, we're gonna knock down the third wall, fourth wall. Which wall is it?

Four. We're gonna knock down the fourth wall. Frankie was like, oh, I'm gonna make a shot. And then walked into my kitchen and he forced, and he shoot me away. And he's like, I'll come up with something. So I'm probably not gonna do whatever you're doing here. Yeah, it's good. You're gonna like it.

Are you gonna explain what's in it? Because I'm taking a mystery shot. There's nothing in here yet. I'm gonna pour it. I'm gonna make it in front of you. Okay. This is gonna be the, the, the San Diego birthday shot. And I hope that you guys go out there.

And make it. And make it yourself. We should, by the way, come up with a cookbook and a fucking drink recipe book. Just wanna throw that out there. Oh, we could just, we could invest in creating like a whiskey or some sort of thing. And then push that. And then push that. Yes.

Yeah. It'd be called. That's it. Nope. That's it right there. So we're gonna start with some tequila. Oh, a little bit. A little bit.

A little bit. I've never had Cosmigos. Speaking of tequila, actually, Kendall Jenner's coming out with a tequila. A lot of people hate it. Well, yeah. Not that they hate it, but they hate that she did. They hate Kendall Jenner. Well, they hate, they said like something about culture appropriation, but I don't really

know the rules. Yeah. I heard about this the other day. It's like, just, we're just getting rid of, we're tired of canceling people for every little thing. And then Kendall Jenner was coming out and the tequila was called like, I, I, I, my burrito. I would understand why people would be upset.

But didn't she put like actual fucking like research into it and shit? Apparently she like submitted herself into like tasting contests, like competitions. Yeah. And it's won them. Yeah. So like she's like, I mean, I mean, I've been drinking a very long time. Well, I'll tell you this. And I can do that.

Did you buy this yourself? I did. Okay. Rule number one of tequilas. You want to stay away from clear tequilas. You want darker ones. The Añejos, they, you know, because they're more shut the fuck they, I'm telling you, clear tequilas are the minimally aged.

You want the darker ones, the Añejo, the reposado. So we're starting with tequila. So we're going base tequila. Okay. So let me put my shaker in here, which by the way, does have ice. You put ice in there? Of course I did. And yes, I rinsed it out.

Don't worry. Okay. So have you ever made a drink before? Of course I have. Look at how I'm holding the jigger. That's what it's called. I was going to say, I'm impressed that you even know what that's called. So you go, we'll go.

There we go. There we go. Whoa. What are we doing? Daddy. There we go. What are you doing? It's a tequila shot.

That's a lot of shots. You've got nowhere to be but here. I know. Who the fuck are you kidding? I haven't had a drink in a long time. Me neither. So then I have these wonderful, wonderful tequila glasses, I mean no, they're shot glasses. Which are rimmed in honey, which, yes, is, some of those you guys don't know, Joey spilled

a bottle of honey in his drawer. You used that honey? Of course I did. Why did you use the honey that spilled in the drawer? Because it's the one that you don't care about, obviously. I would rather have the honey that I care about. No, I wouldn't use your raw, expensive honey. I used the one that honey's great though.

You spilled in your drawer. That's sitting in a pile of parsley right now. So just lying. So what we're going to do is we're going to put a little bit of Jacobson's flaky salt on the rim here, okay? So honey and salt. So, you know, you get a little bit of the saltiness, a little bit of the sweetness. Jesus Christ!

Big flake. Is this off of the fucking Titanic? I don't know where I bought that salt from but it's really good. Is it? It is. It's really good. I mean it's salt, so, you know, that is nice. I know what to do.

Put it in here and then do this. Look at this. This is coming out pro-fesh, baby. That's a lot of fucking salt. It's coming out pro-fesh, baby. This is looking great. What is happening? Take the rest.

Did you just take a shot of salt? Yeah, baby. Ew, you sick freak. All right, now, give me some. Yeah, it's good, right? It's good. It's great. It's good.

Now, what's going to go with this? You didn't have regular sugar, so I just got the sugar crystals, these green sugar crystals. Do you know those go on top of cupcakes? I know exactly where they go. We're going to put it in here. Just a little sweetness. Frankie. A little sweet.

Can I see that for a second? No? Let me see. Is it making it better? What are you looking for? I don't know. All right. There's no nutrition facts on it.

Now, baby, we're going nice and fresh. We're going to go some muddled fresh assorted berries, Joe. Muddled fresh assorted berries. Look at this. You got a raspberry. What's the date on those? Yeah, these. Oh, no, we're good.

Okay. I will say they are a little sour for my liking, but in they go. So a little of this. You're making this up as you're going along. 1,000%. Well, I assume that when you put this green sugar. Yeah. Now, Joey, what you do is you take your muddler.

Frankie's now muddling. And you muddle. You muddle in here. Right. Because what you're doing is you're releasing all the wonderful juices and aromatics. Aromatics? Yeah, baby. Look, you really want to get in there.

You had some blueberries in there that I'll be honest. I thought I brought in, but I forgot. That's okay. And you muddle a little bit. Seems like you muddled a lot of it and you put that back. I think I put that in the wrong one. Yep. That goes there.

Now, just for the sake of, for the sake of this, we're just going to go right up here. And we're just going to... Look at that, baby. I don't know why I did that. I need to pour it with the sugar. And look at this. Do you know there's going to be chunks of... I know exactly what there's going to be.

Delicious. Look at that. Oh, baby. Joey's birthday shot. You just made a smoothie. Dude, I can literally see chunks of fruit in there. Oh, what a problem. All right, Joey.

Listen, man. 29 years. You done great. I'm proud of you. You're done. No. You know, you're my best friend in the whole wide world. Can you make the speech in Sean Paul's voice?

Can I without coming off as slightly racist? Oh, no. That's what, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the point. Hey, go ahead to it. Joey, you're my best friend. Yes.

And I made a shot for you now. I got some berries and tequila in the shot glass and salt. All right. Hey, happy birthday to you. You're my best friend in the whole world. I love you. And here's to another 29. That's it.

You only get 29 more. Jesus. 58 is where you're clocking out. Thanks for the... Thanks for that. Thank you. Yo, honestly? Good?

No. Not good. Uh-uh. Not good at all. It's good enough to drink. Okay. Should I do a little lick? No, no, no.

Go for it. Just go for it. Oh, my God. Yo, the fucking... Salt. Between the salt and the honey, it's like shards of glass now. It matters. I almost cut my tongue.

Okay. Not the worst. You've had worse. You're lucky I didn't do what I wanted to do originally and pickle back. Whatever. It's sharp. These blades of glass are sharp. Yeah.

How'd this happen? Well, happy birthday, Joey. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. No problem. It's a fucking mess over here now. Can you get me something to clean this shit up with? Yeah, here.

It's a sock. A worn, by the way, worn sock. Yeah, I wouldn't give you a clean sock. Oh, man. That was good. That was good. I'm glad you liked it. This is what I do for you.

I appreciate it, man. This is what I do for you. I'm going to leave it here just so people, if they do want to create their own version of it. Honestly, the fruit? Not bad, right? It masked the... Everything else?

Yeah, the tequila. Yeah. The smoothie. Yeah. That was basically what you had. Nice. And it was delicious. Do you feel older?

I know that's the first question everyone jokingly asks on everyone's birthday. Do you feel older yet? No. I do feel like I feel like I'm just getting started, honestly. Damn. That is such a fucking hustler mentality right there. It's actually not... You're just getting started.

That's not what I mean. If anything, it's like a negative thing. Not a negative thing, but I just feel like I want to do a lot more. In my life. You are one of the few people that I could confidently say this about. Every year, you set goals for yourself and you pretty much hit them every single year. And I'm not saying it's like goals like I want to fucking violate OSHA laws, labor laws, all that stuff.

You do that, but you'll say like, yo, next year, I'm coming up with this today. By next year, it's done. I'm fucking figuring this out. You do that. You do. Like, pay the price. It's such a great fucking example, which you guys can go support right now. Holy shit.

At kickstarter.paythepricegame.com. That's right, baby. And we just hit $100,000 on your birthday. Yeah. We, as if I'm getting anything from this. Nothing. But make sure you do it and you can go support the Patreon. The show, me, really, patreon.com, slash the basement area where you get every single

weekly episode a week in advance. That's right. Every single week in advance. When you go on the YouTube comments and you see people comment at six days ago and you're like, how the hell did that happen? Guess what? It's because they're patrons. Or, and you can get exclusive content every single Friday morning that people do not get

access to. And it's fucking wild. Yes. It's a fun time. But. 8,000 Patrons you're always doing an enema. Might be there by the time this comes out. Don't know.

Yeah. I could, I could get enemaed. It could happen. You're going to have a wet ass hole. I'm super into that. By the way, this morning, you know what I did? I woke up, signed up for a half marathon. Oh, he's back.

Ladies and gentlemen. Marathon. Joe is back. He's back on the streets. I was like, you know what? 29 people are like, oh, are you getting older? I'm going to get in the best shape I've ever been in my life. Oh man.

I can't wait for you to only talk about this. No. That's the thing too. And I actually talk about. Do you still have the boxing gloves that you don't use anymore? Well, I can't go to the fucking gym. Why not? COVID.

People still go to the gym. Yeah. But not a boxing. The boxing gym that I go to is like very old. Like they spin in each other's mouths. Yes. Gotcha. Like there's not a lot of ventilation.

But yeah, I just figured once I get vaccinated though, I'm in that hole fast. Yeah. Yeah. But one of the things I actually talked about because I had therapy this morning and landed on my birthday, which is very nice. No, but I had talked about how like the marathon thing, by the way, what I'm about to say is hilarious and ironic, but I'm not going to be like posting about me doing it or like, you know what I mean?

I could smell the irony from here. Right. And I'm saying that it's because I mean, we're just having this conversation as a podcast. But like every day, like I go out and do a run, I'm not going to be like, oh, I'd shrink three miles or shrink six miles. Just do it. Yeah. Just do it.

You got to just like do stuff for yourself today. 29 is me first. That's right, baby. That's right. Not to be confused with me too. Lovely movement. Also necessary, but me first, yes, is my in your 29th year of age, you're finally putting the white man first.

Exactly. Got him. He fell down by the country. White hetero man, you know, as a white straight male, I feel like I finally need to focus on yourself to, to, to, to Bennett, to reap the benefits of, you know, of being who you are. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, man, I support your whole heart. You know, I wish you're the best. I really do. Thank you. Fucking half marathon. Yeah.

13.1. Where, where is it? It's in Brooklyn. Yeah. Isn't Brooklyn like four miles long? So what are you just going to run back and forth? Brooklyn's huge. It's not as big as Queens.

That big too. Also huge. Queens is bigger. Yeah. But like Brooklyn is fucking long. No, it's, it's a, it's like a four and a half mile loop. So you're running like three times or so. Oh my God.

That sounds awful. Yeah. It doesn't sound cool, but like, you know, and during the pandemic, when I was like super bored, I was running all the time. I was able to run eight miles in one shot. Really? And like I felt fine. I actually ran it at the track.

Wow. God damn. I was just running around the track for 30 months. I remember what you were talking about. Well, we all had that app. That, what was the app called? The, the, the running app. Strava.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was, I was running too. And I was getting maybe a mile and a half in. Maybe. But yeah, you were, you were fucking crushing that. You were going to like runs with friends, which is stupid. No, I never ran with anyone.

Oh, that was Pete. Yeah. Yeah. That was Pete. I can't run with other people because I have to like, I don't know, I just feel weird. But I, I just want to get into like really good shape and, and like mentally be able to sign up for something and be like, yo, you have to do it. Like originally when I was like, yo, I want to run a half marathon, like to myself, like

a couple of days ago, I was like, I'm going to train for it because there's a program that you follow. I found a program that I like. Is it like one day you run, you know, 2.2 miles without stopping, then 2.4 the next day or something? Yeah. I mean, it's not like without stopping. I mean, it's just assumed that it's not stopping, but like, you know, but it's like, it'll show

you like which days to rest and like, okay, run three miles here, three miles here, and then six miles. I should get one of those for like competitive eating because I eat a lot. Yeah. That'd be fire. That'd be dope. You're doing a half marathon. I'm doing the fucking Nathan's hot dog contest.

Do you know how fucking cool that would be? No. Well, not for you. Yeah. For me, it wouldn't be. For my colon, it would suck. Oh, for your colon, it would actually blow. Colon blow.

Yeah. But that's what we should, maybe one of us should do a food contest, an eating contest. I'm not good at that at all. They make, they do, I saw one that I think I would actually do. They did like a hot pepper eating contest. It's like you just eat peppers like one after another and it's like whoever bows out last wins. That one I would do.

That's psychotic. Why not? I did the fucking challenge. Yeah. But like just eating mad peppers. Why not? It's good for you. It's from the earth.

Yeah. Bad for you. I'm sure that if you put enough spices in that stomach, it'll start to creep up and you'll start throwing up fire. Oh no. I don't, I don't throw up, baby. I don't throw up. I don't have acid reflux.

I don't have that. Not yet. I hope I never do. You haven't eaten a thousand peppers yet. You know what? You're not wrong. Exactly. You're not wrong.

But that's what's going to happen, all right? Yeah, birthday boy. I see you're getting a lot of grays in your 28th year of life. You got a lot of grays. Ben had these on the side. No, on the top, maybe. Top? Oh yeah, yeah.

I can't see the side because you got, you got your weekly fade. I haven't gotten a haircut that long actually. Are you serious? Yeah. That's just what it looks like? No, I got one yesterday. Oh, okay. Yeah, but I, yeah, I've had grays.

I've had grays for some time. I kind of want grays. I want grays so bad. I don't really have a lot, but like, I want, I want like, like, you know how like Davino at like 14 had like mostly grays? Yeah. It was like Taylor Hicks. Anyone remembers him?

Damn. That guy sucks. He had a good voice. Did he? I think. Give me one Taylor Hicks song. Like, I don't know. I don't know any songs.

You can't. You can't. But he used to sing songs on the show. He was on a show. No, you think everyone sounds like that? I do. I do. And I'm mostly wrong.

I absolutely do. Everyone thinks that sounds like that. Oh, God. I could, I honestly don't remember anyone past Fantasia Barino. Holy shit. Yeah. You remember her? Imagine having the name Fantasia.

Yeah. Do you remember Ruben Stuttered? Do I remember Ruben Stuttered? Fucking guy was a classic. That guy had multiple necks. He was so sorry for 2004. 2004. Yeah.

That was an excellent year. Yeah. It was a very good year. Yeah. And he had a lot of rolls on the back of his neck. He was a big man. He was a fat boy. Is he dead yet?

Um, yet. That was fucked up on my part. Yeah. I technically you're right because everyone dies. So yet is fair. Fair. But it's like, I don't want to insinuate that he might be closer to death than me. Technically he is.

He's older than you. In some regard, if we're measuring death in proximity and age. Well, not what? Death proximity doesn't necessarily need to be in age. It could be, you know, we live different lifestyles. Yeah. But you don't wrestle crocodiles and like, yeah, but I also, he doesn't fucking eat cauliflower.

You know what I mean? Like we're, we're indifferent. That's what I mean. I think he's safe to say he's closer. Man, maybe I guess so. I had a dream about a fucking that I got attacked by now. Did he die? I don't know.

That's why I'm asking. I don't remember. You want one of these berries, dude? No. You want one? Ruben Stuttered. No, he's alive. Okay.

He's 42. Yeah. Oh, he got a Grammy award nomination. For what? Best male R&B vocal performance for his recording of Superstar. You ever heard of that song? Is that the, is it like a remix of, or like a, like a rendition of the Earth, Wind and Fire one?

You've heard that one. Go ahead. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. No, just look, just the lyrics Frank. I'll give you a wish upon a star. Maybe I'll think you made me fire. I don't know. Maybe.

You're a shining star, I think. Yeah, that's a different song. But it's a good one. You're a shining star. But in a wing game. In a wing game. In a wing game. In a wing game.

In a wing game. In a wing game. In a true to me. In a true to me. I don't know. Damn. What movie does that remind you of? Instantly.

Three, two, one. Austin Powers. Yep. Awesome. Austin Powers. Speaking of Austin Powers. The Asian guy, murderer. Wait, who?

The Asian guy who throws the shoe, murderer. In the movie. No, no, no, life. What? He killed, he killed. Really? Recently. What?

Recently killed. What? Or kidnapped and raped or something. Whoa, whoa, we're getting dark here, baby. I said killed. I said raped. Killing is worse than rape. Is it?

They're kind of up there. I'm not going to touch that one. Yeah, that's both bad. Both bad, both bad. I'm not going to touch that one. Asian man, Austin Powers. He killed, he killed. He killed?

Joseph Hyung Min Sun. Henchman. Call him a henchman. Rape torture. Fuck this guy. Yeah. Well, yeah. You know, it's like the kid from fucking high school musical was like doing fucking

crystal meth. Yeah. Well, sometimes you got to, you got to, you got to do that. But I mean. No. I don't, listen. You don't have to do that. I'm saying it's, it's different than fucking rape torture.

Yeah. No, I know what I'm saying. Like sometimes like the dark side of these fucking popular people. Not that this guy was popular, but. He, uh, he asked a woman for directions and then with another man dragged her to their car, threw her in the back and drove away. Uh, the other man told her they were driving to Compton, pistol whipped her and repeatedly, repeatedly threatened to kill her.

And then they repeatedly raped, sodomized and forced the victim to or orally copulate. I don't know that word. I don't know that. Uh, but yeah. Guy's a psycho. Fuck this guy. Yeah. He's a terrible man.

Where, where do you stand on like, um, aggressive sexual predators or like sexual, like recidivists, like getting castrated as a result of their crime? Oh, I thought you were asking me where I stand on that. I'm, I was going to go, guess, guess where I stand on violence. I'm saying like, cause I don't remember if it, I forgot. You want to just cut their cocks off. Not necessarily, not even not, not even necessarily, not even necessarily cut it. Like they have like forms of chemical castration and shit like that.

I, I think what, so you're saying the eye for the eye kind of thing. So it's like, if you steal, we cut your hand off. That, well, that's what a lot of the US penal like system is built on is Hammurabi's code. That's what it's called. I for an eye. Hammurabi. Hammurabi. Ham.

I think it's ham. I guess ham, not ham. Although ham is very nice. Ham, Hammurabi, Hammurabi. It's from Egypt. Yeah. Yeah. Ham is, ham is pretty good meat.

It's a little sweaty. Not my favorite. It's not, it's yeah. It's definitely not bologna. Bologna's bad. Bologna. It's not bad tasting. It's just bad.

Like look at it. It looks like a. Well, yeah. When, when you see a just a big pink blob in the fucking deli aisle. Not only that, but if I have to, if I have to peel the edges off of a meat. Can we agree? First of all, you don't need, second of all, can we, can we agree that the worst looking one, three, two, one, olive loaf.

Yeah. I've never even like really seen it. Me neither. Is that a meat? That's not a meat. It is a, it's a meat with olives in it. Bologna with olives. And Becca said to me, she's like, you love bologna.

You love olives. Why don't you just have olive loaf? And I was like, it looks like a meds back. That's why I'll never have it. Well, I'll never fucking have it. Yeah. But I also like love, I love chocolate and I love vagina, but I'm not shoving chocolate in a vagina.

Although now that I said that. Joe, you might've just fucking fell on us. That sounds pretty fucking dope. You might've felt probably not for her though. She'd probably have some. You never know. You never know. Yeah, but I'm talking about UTIs.

It is like a fucking like self cleaning wizard, you know, apparently. It is, you son of a bitch, but I don't think you could fight off infections. It doesn't have infection fighting. I mean, if it's like a dog's mouth, it could do whatever it wants, right? Dogs can eat shit and use condoms and they fucking, they breathe life into humans. No, they get sick. Dogs get sick. No, they don't.

They get that one cough. Yeah. Your dog got sick because it would scratch it until own fucking cut and get an infection. Well, I'm not talking about that. That's not, I don't consider that sick. He had, he got, he had to bring him to the doctor once because he had too much yeast or some shit. Too much yeast? I don't even, I don't really know.

That's not real, Joey. No, it was a thing. The guy said to me, he's like, did he had bread? I was like, sometimes I feed him like pizza crust and he's like, oh, you know, whoa, dog. Yo, why? Why can't dogs just eat what we eat? These fucking little idiots. I mean, they do.

One time my dog ate like a whole onion, which those are poisonous. Really? Yeah. Didn't know that. For dog. Yeah. And like, I was freaking out, but then my dog like burped and he was fine. My family dog ate a whole sweet potato pie or a pumpkin pie.

It was pumpkin pie. It was on Thanksgiving. She went up and she grabbed it off the table and it was hers. She ate a whole pumpkin pie? The whole thing. I don't like pumpkin pie, so she could have it. Pumpkin pie? It's fucking, let's talk about it.

Three, two, one, throw up. Would rather eat a diaper. Yeah. Well, that's basically what it looks like. Yeah. Take it from someone who's had their hands and diapers a lot over the last couple weeks. Pumpkin pie is fucking baby shit. Just because you put whipped cream on it doesn't mean it's nice.

We serve it at Thanksgiving with the family. Yeah. It's just because pumpkin, pumpkin is like... Yo, old people love pie. Dude, fuck pies. Period. Pie suck. I've said it once, I'll say it again.

Whack. So bad. Whack. Cake? Dope. Ice cream cake. Better. Ice cream cake's cool.

Ice cream cake is good. Even like red velvet cake. That's good. Fucking birthday cake. Funfetti cake? I will go to jail for a Funfetti cake. Yeah, Funfetti. Dude, I will punch a bird in its face for Funfetti cake.

What kind of bird though? A pigeon. Something endangered. So I'll hit a fucking eagle right now. Right now. In America's face. Right in America's face. You know what I'm saying?

For a cake. A bald eagle for a cake. You know it's a shady good cake that a lot of people forget about? Pound cake. Yo, pound cake's fire. Dude. What is that shit on top? It's like butter?

I don't know. It's like butter and sugar and fucking ice. I don't know. I don't know. But pound cake with a scoop of fucking vanilla ice cream. Don't even put me in the ground and fucking stuff my bitch ass face with it. Seriously. Yo, when I die, shove a fucking pound cake in my ass.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Dude. I want to be taxidermied with cake. And just fill me with pound cake. Oh, just give you boobs then, huh? Well, I did this by accident. Yeah.

Yeah. No, are you okay? We're going to have to do this on Patreon. The best type of cake. What's the worst pie you've ever had? One, two, three, cherry pie. First of all, good song by Warrant. Second of all, I don't like any pie.

I don't like cooked fruit. So all pie can go fuck itself. Cherry pie is one of the worst things I've ever had in my entire life. No. All right, that's good. I've never had it. Apple pie looks disgusting. Apple pie is gross.

It's fucking, you're eating slugs basically. What is this shit? Yeah. And these people, I get like cute with the fucking stuff on top where they make like little like lattices out of the fucking dough. Like you have too much time. Yeah. What do you think you're?

Snow white fuck off. Yeah. Listen, Martha Stewart, go fuck yourself. Yeah. It's still an apple pie. Still sucks. All pie sucks. It sucks.

I'll take cake over pie any day. I will tell you what is the supreme in desserts though. Pudding. A good old vanilla pudding. Pudding. What are you, a thousand? Yeah. A thousand in terms of my fucking wisdom at this point in time.

Yeah. Puddings? What? Chocolate pudding? Tell me a snack pack vanilla pudding isn't the greatest. Yeah, when you're fucking four. Tell me right now you wouldn't want one. I'll eat it.

Yeah. But not over a fun, fatty cake with vanilla icing and like my name written in that fucking cool shit. See, this is the reason why I'm not, I'm not with you on this one. Because cake, you need a glass of milk with it or else it's like you're, it's too rich. It's too much. It's like you can't, you need a fucking, you need milk with it. Pudding on its own, bing, bang, boom.

You fucking throw that bitch back. Yeah, but no. I can eat a whole cake. Also, I don't, I don't drink milk. You need to have some sort of beverage, I will say that. I don't know what I drink. You need milk. Yeah, I mean, milk would be nice.

You need milk. You need milk. But where do you feel about like how these people like lose their mind over like Italian pastries? People love a cannoli. Just stop being a pretentious asshole with this cannoli bullshit. Cannoli? Also yo, creme brulee?

Fuck you. Where are we France? Yeah, yeah, listen up. What are we talking about? Listen up fucking ratatouille. Put it down and go get a fucking cookie, okay? Wee-wee. All right, wee-wee want an ice cream cake instead of this creme brulee.

Everyone gets a creme brulee just so they can smack their spoon on the top bit and go, wow, look, it's glass. You know what girls love? You go to a restaurant, anything that you can set on fire. Yeah. They love that. Oh yeah. It's like, oh, it's an ice cream.

Let me get my phone out. And then the guy comes over and he sets the dessert on fire and then it becomes a different dessert. Yeah. It's like, oh, girls love that shit. I love that shit. They love it. I love that shit too. I like the drinks that are like that.

I like that. I'll tell you that. If someone sets my dessert, if my plate is on fire, I'm eating that. I'm eating that. I'm eating the whole thing, baby. I'm loving it a lot. I'm eating the whole thing. I'll tell you.

But you ever had a drink that came on fire? I would go, when I was in college, we'd go to a Hibachi restaurant, we'd get a scorpion bowl and in the middle it was a, what's a scorpion? It's called a scorpion bowl. Did they serve you scorpion? No, sadly. In the middle was fucking Bacardi 151 that shit came on fire, baby. You blow it out?

You suck it up. You ever done a flaming shot? No, that's dangerous. Oh, I know. I'm not doing that. I know a kid that burned half his face. So that's why I'm not going to do it. It's funny.

It is for, yeah, for us, for now, for him. No, yeah, he's hurt. I'm not going to set anything up. I've never had a flaming shot because I'm afraid of fire. Not just being near water. Well, if it burns my face, it's not going to matter. How quick? It's not going to burn that bad.

It's just a little bit. Do you never know? Well, you're not fucking putting gasoline in there. You're just a little Bacardi 151. Yeah. It's a lot of alcohol. We, I honestly want someone to draw a map from where we started with this episode to where we've gotten.

I don't know what you've been talking about. You were talking about your birthday. Yeah, but we're cakes and cakes and cakes and pies. You know, we got there. We got there eventually. Or a schweedel? Dude. Schweedel.

Becca's dad loves schweedel. He told me. He's like, go get it. And I got it for him. It's actually not bad. But like, how do you say it? How did you order it? A schweedel.

You didn't say that. Schweedel. You said schweedel. That's how it's, I think it's pronounced. Schweedel? I like how to Google it one day. Like, let me get some schweedel. Schweedel.

Schweedeli? Yeah. I don't know. It's just like pastry. Did you ever get the pastry? My dad would get it. I know they have it in different cultures. It's like a fucking, like it's like a white cream, but it's hard.

And my dad would get it and he'd go, thanks, put it in a bag and fucking beat the shit out of this bag. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know what it's called. I think it's called like a patele or something like that, but he would put it in a bag and fucking bang, bang, bang. And then it would be crumbs and he would eat it. I don't know what it is.

I wish I'm, I'd call my dad right now, but Lord, who knows what he would say. Wow. That sounds nice. Yeah. You know, I used to be so horny for croissants too. I like croissant. A croissant? A croissant?

No, croissant. Croissant. I used to be very horny for them. I still like them, but at one point I was like, I need to get my hands on this now. That's my go-to Starbucks order. It's a venti black unsweetened iced tea and a tose croissant. And they're fucking cake pops. Have you ever had cake pops?

I don't like cake pops. What we in the business call a stupid idiot. No, they're what we call in the, in the business of being intelligent to dry. Dry? Yeah, they're dry. What do you, you're not eating a cake pop then. You're not. You're eating a fucking the worst cake pop.

A real cake pop is not dry. It's dry. No, it's cake. I only eat them at like weddings. People love having cake pops at weddings. People love that shit. What is that? It's, it's cake crumbled up with fucking frosting mixed into it.

So it comes out like a moist ball. It's like Play-Doh. Play-Doh? Play-Doh. Oh, I wasn't sure if you were saying something like Spanish. No. It's like Play-Doh. No.

Oh, dude, a good cake pop is fucking boobs. I don't mind. It is. It's so good, dude. You know what my mom made the other day? What did your mom make? Boobs? Peaks in a blanket.

Oh, I fucking go hard for the good old piggies. Dude. A piggy in a blanket, cozyed up, dipped into a fucking big old cup, a ketchup. Ketchup. Oh. Yeah. Man, so good. So good.

We actually did one of the episodes that we did on Patreon. We argued appetizers. That's right. And you didn't give enough respect to piggies. That's not true. You didn't give the respect they did. I have all the respect in the world for a pig in a blanket. Also, why did they call it?

Oh, never mind. I got it. You got it. I was like, why did they call it that? But it's made of pig. It's sometimes. Sometimes it's cigarettes. Sometimes it's pork.

Sometimes it's cigarettes, yeah. Yeah. And then it's in a blanket of croissant. Yeah. Of a crescent roll. God, it's so good. I crushed those, by the way. Crescent rolls I don't care for much.

You idiots. These people that do like dinner biscuits and crescent rolls. Yeah. Put them to sleep. Are you insane? No. I'm not. I'm quite sane in my intellect.

That's one of my favorite parts of Thanksgiving. The crescent rolls are one of your favorite parts of Thanksgiving, Joey. What is wrong with you? What is fucking wrong with you? No, it is. Why? Why would that ever be even the top five? I didn't say it was.

Number one, obviously, stuffing. Number two, ham. Number three. No, no, no. Number two is not ham. It's ham. No, one is ham. No.

Two is stuffing. No, no. The sweet potato marshmallow, disgusting. Sweet potato, the fucking candied yams, disgusting. You don't like sweet potato and marshmallows? Let me just, you don't like that? No. You fucking bitch.

How do you not like that? Because it's too much sweetness. It's a lot of sweeteners. And people put fucking maple syrup in there. They put fucking... Who? Who? Is that pancakes?

That's what people do. They put brown sugar. What people? They put brown sugar. They put maple syrup. They put fucking the little baby... Frankie, this isn't elf. This isn't...

This is what they do, Joey. No, buddy, the elf. This is what they do. And it's fucking too much. Who is it? They. The people you know. The people I know.

It's just sweet potatoes and marshmallows and you fucking... No. People put maple syrup. They put cinnamon. They put fucking brown sugar. Cinnamon's nice. Cinnamon's nice. I like cinnamon as a garnish, but I don't like it.

That's too much sweetness. You're basically like... Like, if that's how I fucking look after I bite... Nothing has ever made me do that. That has ever. Yes, it has. Besides, remember... Yo.

Remember... Oh, yo. Oh, God. Here we go. Oh, God. Do you remember? This is so dumb. Can I ask you what you're going to say?

If we're on the right page right now, you have to give me $1,000 cash. Okay, go. Is it when we would take the sour spray and pour it into a cup and drink it? No, but that was... That's a good answer. Do you remember that? That stuff is sour. But what I used to do is like...

We used to make iced tea. Remember with the powder? Oh, my God. And you'd over-powder it. Yeah. Yeah. You'd over-powder it. My mom also wouldn't put enough powder in it because she was like...

Thought she was like... It's brown water at that point. Yeah. Yeah. But so I would just... Oh, yeah. My dad... You know what, Keith made it?

Dude, my dad used to make it and I'd go, Dad, how do you make it? And he goes, you put half the thing in it. And I'm like, Dad, this is why you're... Hello, it's me, Frank Alvarez. I'm ready to be close to death. What? My dad fucking eats like shit. And that's part of the reason.

My dad would put half the fucking thing in there. I don't even know if that's possible. Oh, it was. Keith... I was gonna say Keith Alvarez. Keith Sanagata. Yeah. Keith Sanagata used to put like 15 scoops of this thing in there and then mix it up with

a big wooden ladle and then we'd drink it and then it'd be bouncing off the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that Keith doesn't have diabetes yet is honestly, his body needs to be donated to science because I can do not. We know people that like sugar. I'm sure you guys know people that like sugar. No one. No one.

No one. No one. No one. Give me a wave of what I'm feeling. We don't know who you guys are. That's Alicia, isn't it? It is Alicia. I like Alicia.

Mrs. Keys. As they say. Not a real name. I know. What's her real name? She's married to Swiss Beats. Mrs. Beats. Mrs. Beats.

Mrs. Swizz. Alicia Beats. Alicia Swizz. Alicia Beats. Damn, she's kind of, she's kind of crushing it. That's a musical woman. Yeah. What's next?

I just farted. I'm going to do the ads. What a transition, baby. Let's get to these ads. I also have to piss hard. I also know exactly what you're thinking. I'm not cleaning any of this. That's fine.

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All right. There you go. That was good. You're getting good at these. Yeah. I wish we would get plugs for fucking Casamigos. They can just send a whole bunch of free to Keelio. I really have been thinking about making a whiskey or a tequila or something.

Well, I don't want to make tequila now because Kendall Jenner is going to, you know, she's going to. Yeah. She's going to control the market. Why not beer? Why haven't you thought about beer? Well, that too. Because I don't know. I don't know.

I honestly don't know that. Dude, what would you call the whiskey? Honestly, three, two, one, go. I don't. What do you think? That's how I come up with stuff? Yeah, of course it is. I don't know.

That's how you came up with the name, pay the price. No, it's not. Which you can check out at kickstarter.paytheprice.com. Pay the price game. Damn. Idiot. So close. You bastard.

So close. Give me my, give me my, my Spanx. Oh, Spank your bottom? Yeah. Spank my ass. Oh, okay. Would you? Let's make your ass.

On your birthday? Yeah. I'll give you a gift. Nice little Spankerino. You know anything? I want to make a whiskey though. That was a good stretch. Let's make a whiskey.

Yeah. I'll start doing the research. Yeah. Because I know. I wonder, I like, I would love to do that and just have like a, just, just like San Agato brand whiskey. No, I don't want to call it Santa Gato. No.

Well, yeah. Cause no one would buy that. Well, it's also like an Italian name. Yeah. Well, then the Italian whiskey. Like I'm good. Yeah. No, no, no.

Thanks. Called the bait. The name of the most Irish thing. So people think it's like legit. How do you spell that? Oh, drink our new whiskey. That would be good. That's actually kind of better than proper 12.

What a name. Proper 12. Did you see that commercial where he's like, he's saying they're going to give back the money to the first responders? What money? He's like, for every bottle of proper 12 we sell, we're giving $100 back or something like that. And it was like, it's just, I hate.

My biggest thing that I really don't like when people want to do kind awesome, but when they like prepare a statement for it, and it's, it seems like disingenuous to me. What do you mean? Like for instance, if I'm like, Hey guys, it's me, Frank, and I'm letting you know, we want to give back to the people of this nation. Like it just, to me, I kind of don't, I don't know why I don't like that. I think it seems disingenuous. What would be the alternative?

Just like, yo, you're going to do the same thing. Yeah. I'm like, no, but like, or at least get better at reading it. You know what I mean? Like, just don't make it seem like you're reading it. I guess. I guess I'm being a little nitpicky here. You are.

A little bit. I've been known to nitpick. I hate when people have donation campaigns. I wish they would just, I wish they would just do it off the cuff. Dude, I went to college with someone who started a GoFundMe for her to like go to Africa just to go. And it was like a trip. Yeah.

It was like help so and so live their dream and go to Africa and go find me, like took it down within like a day. Yeah. I don't think that's what the platform is for. It's supposed to be for like fucking like philanthropic or some sort of. Yeah. Not your fucking trip to Africa. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like help me pay for my medical bills. Don't fucking help you go get drunk and, you know, Egypt. Yeah. Yeah. That actually sounds amazing. Imagine getting drunk in Egypt.

I'd love to go. I really would. I really would like to go. Not really like in like interested in getting on a plane anytime soon. So all right. So what can we call this, this, this whiskey? So think of the whiskeys that we like. What are they called?

You know, James Zimmer, that's a name, you know, barrel. I'm really big into the Japanese whiskey now. Yeah. Suntory. So Sente Gatoki. I, that sounds like a lawsuit. Why? It also sounds racially and I'm a white man.

You're right. So call it what? Call it what you know. It would have to be named privilege. Just call it what you know. Just call it what you fucking know. It's all right. I'm not judging you for it.

Oh God. That is funny. I'm not judging you for it. Can you imagine that? Try. Try. Go buy my, my whiskey from Joe Sente Gato called privilege. It'd be great to have it.

Oh man. Now everyone can be privileged. Now everyone can be. If only it was as simple as buying a bottle. If you really start this just like just let me in on the planning of what like you know stuff. Gotcha. So when you inevitably make $40 million off of it, I can have like a third.

Gotcha. A third. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's a lot. All right. I'll take a sixth. Still too high.

Still too high. All right. A tenth. I'm getting warmer. You okay? All right. No, yeah. A 15th.

Okay. Okay. That's 2 million. You did that math pretty well. I'm shocked. I did. I'm just as shocked as you are. Oh boy.

Oh boy. Joey, did you see the video of the people on the plane? That's why I said before. I was like, I'm not really interested in getting on a plane right now because of the video, the people with the blown engine. Did you see that? Shit. Yeah.

I don't know how it would react if I'm on a plane and the engine's just on fire. That's when it's, you know, Def Connate, like everything is going to shit. Like even if they were like, we're going to land comfortably, don't worry. I'm like, no, we're all dying. I'll be honest with you. One of the first things I thought about when I saw that video is because the guy was like filming the engine and people were like standing up. By the way, how about that?

Right? I can't, I've almost pissed myself on planes multiple times because the guy tells me I can't get up as like we're about to take off and we haven't even backed out of the really? Yeah. Mad time. I was going to Miami, I think, or I was going to Utah or some shit. The guy was like, I was like, yo, I have to, like I tried to go with the bad things.

Like you have to go sit down. I was like, we haven't even backed up yet. He's like, yeah, we're about to. And I was like, dude, I have to go really bad. Like it's an emergency. And he's like, if you go, then we're going to have to taxi back to the plane. Taxi back nowhere. We haven't moved.

I was like, we're going to, we're going to be here and you're going to ruin the flight. And I was like, and I just went back to my seat and I almost pissed myself because I had to wait. My penis was all backed up. Is that what happens? Yeah. When you hold up, do you pinch your pee when you, when you have to pee? No, you don't do a pinch.

No, because then if I let go of the pinch, it's going everywhere. There's a rush. Yeah. That's going everywhere. It's kind of like a hose. Like you pinch it and then you open it. Like I don't pinch. I just like hold within.

Really? Yeah. You got better bladder control than I do. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, that was a real test. I would like, that's the thing is I can't tell you how many times I like threaten people when I have to use the bathroom anywhere I am.

Like I'll go into like a store and I'd be like, Hey, you know, we're, you know, like Starbucks, they don't have it anymore, but they used to have codes for their bathrooms. I'd be like, Hey, can I use the bathroom? They're like, Oh no, sorry, you know, it's only for, you know, customers. And instead of buying something cheap, I would be like, Listen up. This is an emergency. Yeah. I need to go now or there's going to be a disaster.

And they're like, All right. Go ahead. Give an ultimatum. You just got to threaten them a little bit. One time I had to shit so bad in my car and this is actually one of the first, like me and Greg was with me, but he, I was not really friends with Greg like that. Gotcha. He just was someone who also lives in Astoria and we were playing, it was like a work league

and he was in my car and we were in the middle lane in Manhattan and I had to shit so bad and I was like, Oh, and I had to shit. So I just put my, there was a red light. Everyone was stopped. I put my car in park and I looked at him and I was like, you got it and I left. And I had to weave past cars and then I ran into a building and I was like, I have to shit. I didn't say that.

I was like, do you guys have a bathroom? And the guy looked at me and he was like, yeah, it's over there. You got it. Yeah. You got it. You got to play up like the distress of the situation. When I walked into this bathroom as a cleaning lady and I was like, get out, get out now. Yeah.

And then I fucking set it off. And when I came out, my car was still right there. Wow. So he never moved the car. You just in the middle lane? Middle lane. What? Left it.

That's crazy. On a plane, I feel like you're playing yourself on a plane. Yeah. You're in big trouble. You're in big trouble. You're in big trouble if that happens. I wonder if they have spare pants on planes. I mean, people shit themselves on planes.

They have to. I'm sure it happens. I mean, normally I assume that you would, if you had a carry on or something, you'd have some sort of pants in there. And what am I supposed to Tom Cruise go below the floor and get my pants? Oh, the overhead. They're above you. You idiot.

Well, I've checked bags. Oh, no. Why can't we do that? That would be interesting. Like, why just let me into the car. I'm sure you can. I've seen enough movies where people like sneak below deck. They have sex with a woman and then they fight crime.

What fucking movies are you talking about? You know, movies about superheroes. That doesn't happen in those. Not superhero movies. I meant like action movies. Are you a part of the mile high club? Sex on a plane? Yeah.

I've never even been first class in my life. Oh, boy. I'm saying, who am I fucking in coach? Like where are we? Where are we doing that? Yeah. I don't know. Is that like where it's supposed to be in first class?

I would never have sex on a public plane like that. Why not? Maybe on a private plane. Well, private plane. Private plane. I think you have to. You have to. That's like one of the boxes you need to check.

You have to pay the money and then you have to fuck. Fuck on the plane. Yeah. Yeah. That's what the rock does. He walks and he's like. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. He works out on the plane and then he fucks. The iron paradise in the back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That's what he does. Wow. Dude, he is fucking huge. Yeah. He's a massive man. But back to this plane being on fire. I would fucking, it'd be over.

Like I'm the type of person like in a situation like that. It's everyone's like, stay calm. It's like, no, let's be very realistic. We're all dead. The thing that was interesting was that they were filming the engine and then they kind of pan towards the people in the plane and like there was people standing. If there's any a point for the seatbelt light to be on, it'd probably be on when the engine is all fat.

But people are just like. And no one was screaming. I'd be screaming loudly. Top of my fucking lungs. And I'm not kidding. I'd be calling everyone on my phones. I'd be like, yo, it's like, you know I'm dying. Yeah.

And like right now. Just doing things I've never done before. Like, you know, hit a woman. Oh. Wow, Joe. You're just really, you're just really going for it. Imagine like, oh, oh, punch this lady. I mean, when you're on a plane, if you know, like that's a thing is if I'm in that situation,

I believe I'm going to be dead in a mere matter of seconds. So just let it all out. Everything and anything. Get naked. Take your socks off. Get fucking naked. Run down the hall. Everywhere.

Piss on everyone. That's probably my first thought is I need to piss. Just at that point, like everyone come hang out in the cockpit. Like we're going to die anyway. Who wants to fucking steer us into the ground? No, it's like it might as well. We got a rock, paper, scissor for who's going to do it. Yeah.

All you need to do is just pull down, you know, or pull. Yeah. You push down. I think pulling up is how they like. Yeah. They pull up and then you push down. Yeah. Pull down.

No, that's push down. Yeah. You said pull down. You don't pull down. No, you push down. Yeah. You push down. Yeah.

That's what I said. You said pull down. I did not say pull down. Run the tape. Run the tape, Josh. Tell him. Yeah. That's what you do.

That's what I said. Well, you done. Yes, I did. You've never flippin' a plane. A flippin'? I've never. You flippin' a plane? I've never flippin' a plane either.

Exactly. And Grand Theft Auto I did once. Yeah. Well, everyone does that in Grand Theft Auto. Five stars, Grand Theft Auto 5. Go to the airport. Gotta get on a plane. Get on a plane, baby.

And then they send jets on you. Oh, they do. If you get a jet though, game over. Well, listen. You know, what I would do is I would just, I would set myself up in the tank and then I would put the tank in front of where the planes take off. So when I take off, the other planes can't follow me. Schmott.

Yeah, I'm in very smart. Grand Theft Auto was a good game, but it's kind of wild how my parents let me play that. Did you remember, um, you had Grand Theft Auto 3 and I would go to your place to play it. And I remember, like, we were in the living room and I was like, kill that hooker! And your parents are like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah.

Your parents, like, I was the bad influence. Yeah. Little did they know. That kind of switched around. A little did they. Well, no, you're not a bad influence. What? I'll kill you.

Oh. You're not a bad influence though. I don't think you've ever influenced me to do something stupid. Let's go do math right now. That's you. That's you. I influenced you. Yeah.

Well, it's all about, you know, you know the power you have over me now. You know, like, that's the thing about you that's smart. You know the power you have over me, you just choose not to use it. That's fucking power. What, like, I could, I could right now be like, yo, put your asshole on the table. Nope. And it would happen for the right price. That's the thing.

Pay the price. Pay the price, baby. You can get it. Kickstarter took it. Give it back up. Three and a, three and a, three and a single episode. Yeah, man. I don't know how these people were so fucking calm in that plane.

And that's terrifying. I do know though, in the back of my mind, like I have heard it before, that planes can fly still safely with one engine blown. I don't know about that. It did. I think if, if we were going down over water, I, like there's got to be a way to jump out at the right time and like hit the water in the right way so you don't die. You know what I mean?

Like, you know how they say like halo jump, like high altitude, low opening? What the fuck did you just say? I'm saying play, all right, planes going down, right? No, no, no. Yes. Yes. Yes. You think a plane going down over the ocean, as that's happening, you kick the door

open. Yeah. And you just swan dive out. I'm saying like, no, no, no. And that's swan dive. First of all, second of all, I'm saying like, listen, all right, so say this is the water right here, right? Okay.

Plane is right here. I'm saying if we're like a couple feet off of the water, I, if I time it correctly, I might be able to jump out enough and land at a certain like way, like, you know, like going down like, you know, where my feet hit first and I survive. I think I can. Two things. Yes. One?

No. I can't. Two, let's say that happens and it's a Batman movie. Let's just say that. Yes. I don't know if you've considered the fact that you are now in the ocean. That's the part that would fuck me up. That's the part.

You're in the ocean. I might as well die. You know what I mean? I'd rather be at the bottom hanging out with the Titanic. I'd rather be super quick. You know what I mean? Like fucking fiery ablaze, like comes and takes me and knocks me out, then like be alive in the middle of the ocean because then you're just chum, baby.

You know what I would love though? What? You ever see in those movies where like a plane crashes and then there's like oil, but then like a fire ring around it. I would love to be in the center of a fire ring in a pool. That would be cool. If I had a big enough pool one day, I would put oil in it. You'd start a fire in your pool.

And I would be in the center of a fire ring. Yeah. That would be cool. I'm with you on that one. Isn't that dope? I always was like, I was like, I remember as a kid, I was like, how the fuck does that happen? How is that dangerous?

You think I'm under this? Yeah, you can. You just go underneath. But if you come up in the oil. Well, now we got an issue. You're on fire, baby. But that's why you, you, you stay underneath, like in the middle, like, you know, like bio shock.

Did you play that game? Yeah. You start in the, in the fucking, you just swim through it, you know, and you just grab like a wing and like use that as like a, you know, something like a flotation device. That'd be cool. Get a pool so we could do that. Okay. How about you get a pool?

You got the backyard. I don't want a pool. I have kids. Put a fence around it. No. You think kids can't get over a fence, Joey? What kids do you have? Who are you raising?

Kualas? Listen. Well, yeah. Kids fucking climb everything and find their ways in and out of everything. Everything, Joey. Everything. You don't have kids. You don't know it.

You don't fucking know it. Yeah. But like, go. Go. Make your kids lock the door of the fence. God. Yeah. That's what I'll say.

Hey, don't go in the pool. Don't be a fucking absolute cool badass and fucking defy your fucking parent. Because you'll die. Add that part at the end. It doesn't matter. Did that stop us? Why did it jump into pools? You jumped off of them.

Yeah. That's true. I jumped off of the deck into my pool. There you go. Yeah. You could have died that way. It's true. You could have.

And your pool was fucking tiny. Yeah. Your pool was what? Four? Like five feet across? It was, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I think it was more than that. No, it was. It was like. Well, your wingspan is your height. So you're what? Five, 10? Yeah.

Yeah. So five, 10. So it was probably. Yeah. I would say six and a half feet. Six and a half feet. Yeah. But you don't get it, man.

Yeah. You don't get it. That's the something that we like thought about when Beck and I were looking for houses. We saw a couple that had pools in the back. And first of all. Above ground then. Make it high. Both.

Doesn't matter. Take the ladder off. How they getting in? Dude, I can't even get into a pool like that. Yes, you can. I can. I can. I just can fucking like it's just another thing to worry about.

You can't put the kids in the background and say fucking shut up and leave me alone. Go play and have fun. All right. We'll tell you fucking kids to hurry up and get old so you can get a pool. I don't want a pool. You idiot. Because then I need to take care of it. How hard is that?

Taking care of a pool and then easy. And you know how much it is to put a pool in? It's like a fucking like $80,000 job. Okay. That's a little insane. It's like 35. Don't don't. What?

It is because I know Thomas is looking into it. Really? 80. 80. Well, it depends on the size. What are you trying to get a fucking lazy river? If I'm getting a pool, I'm getting a pool Joey. Let's get a slide and everything.

Let's get what's a lazy river. Rock slide. I want it all. If I'm getting it, I'm getting it good. You want a rock slide? All if I'm going to do it. This is Orlando, Florida. Yeah.

That would be fucking awesome. Tell me it wouldn't. It'd be great. Yeah. I can't wait to see the type of house you buy when you eventually buy one. I actually like had thought about like where do I want to live and I don't even know. You wouldn't. Well, like a nice big one.

You wouldn't be able to live in Queens anymore. Well, I'm not going to live in Queens. Well, if I would live in Queens, Jersey, oh, no, well, actually, I haven't like ruled that out of being like, like very North. Why? Why North? Come on. Go to South Jersey.

Why not? Because you're from it's no. Why? Where? Where? Well, go ahead. All we need is each other. That's not true.

It is for you. For. Wow. All we need is each other. Wow. We're going to have this conversation again when you tell me. Yeah. I need to be with you 24 seven.

Well, not 24 seven, but like 22 six, you know. 22 six. Yeah. That would be really nice. Yeah. Come on down. You get a lot of more. Legitimately.

Yo, like look at the house that Beck and I were able to buy and we have no money. No money. Like you do well for yourself. You've established this empire that you use to, you know, violate people's personal professional, you know, rights. Yes. And employee. Employee.

Latin. Latin. Latino men. Latinx. Latinx. Latinx. Yo, for like a good price, you would be able to live like a fucking wild king. Yeah.

But I don't want a giant house. I just want like a cool yard. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you. And I want, I want a summer house too. Like I'll sack.

North Jersey. Yeah. You don't realize. North Jersey is basically New York. It's the same prices. All right. By the way, by the time you're ready to buy a house, you're going to be what? You're 29 today.

You're going to be like fucking 58. 58. I didn't even realize. I just did 29 times two. God, the kid is so good. The kid is so good. Okay. You want more?

No. Is there more in there? I don't know why that's how I figured it out. I don't know if it's just the ice melted or I think there is here. Have some more. I don't have one more. It's your birthday. I'm not.

It's your birthday. Here you go. Okay. It's your birthday. There you go. Go for it. I don't want this. Just take it.

Just take it. Down the hatch. Down the hatch. Down the hatch. Oh, look. You're, you're, you're pressuring me. Did it work? God damn it.

I'm not doing this. I can't do it because I'm driving and I have a child. That's right. You do. Yeah. I thought about it. I don't know. I would rather have like a summer home or like a second home.

Both don't have to be like extravagant just as long as like one's like in a Florida like place where it's like hot. Oh, really? Yeah. First of all, don't ever fucking move to Florida because it's not going to live in swamp people and racists. Swamp people. No, I like, but like a warm weather house like or like Texas or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's moving to Texas. Even though. Yeah. Got a little cold down there. Yeah. A little bit.

Not typical, but it happens. Feel bad. You know, if you guys, if there are fucking people like you could support in Texas, please do it because it's fucking wild down there. No. Yeah. That's a bad time down there. But yeah, something like that.

I don't want this like big giant mansion with like, you know, whatever. I don't want that. I just feel like having a lot of space is just stupid. I mean, it could be. But then also the thing that got me is like, when you think of that much space, you then need to furnish it. That too. How expensive is that?

That's wild. Depending on how big you go. We have the people who have like five bedrooms. That's five beds. Five armoires. Yeah. Five fucking dressers and drawers. Mirrors, lamps.

Yeah. Yeah. And for what? No one's ever going to like, people could stay there obviously, but like, usually not kind of. Yeah. No, it's like, I was thinking more along the lines of like people that have, like we saw one house that was fucking awesome, by the way.

It just had like fucking wild issues. It had like three living rooms and it's like, yo, you got to then put three couches, three TVs, if you want to do TVs and all of them, you know, like that right there is probably like another like 15 grand. Easy. Yeah. I'm serious, man. You don't think about this shit.

The fucking expenses that come with it. Oh man. I want to, I am, I feel like by next year I would have had bought like property. Oh really? That quick? Not like a house because that would take me forever to make it. Like a timeshare? Not a timeshare, but just like some sort of like property like that you could eventually

flip. Like maybe something in like Miami or something that you could like buy. You want to buy something in Miami? God damn. How good was the fucking 28th year of your life? Jesus Christ. Not in like, not like a fucking, you know, whatever. I mean still Miami real estate is not fucking cheap.

I'm not saying like collectively with like me and like maybe two other people or one other person. Can I be in on it? If you want. Pay me more. That's not how that works. I think it is. I can give you more money if you give me more money.

Right. You know? Yeah. Like in the way it goes. Right. It's the way the cookie crumbles baby. Baby. Yeah.

But I want like some summer thing. Go to and like maybe Airbnb and like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean on no joke, you know, it's actually a good fucking like people do that all the time and like Belmore, you know, like on the Jersey shore and stuff like that. Yeah, but I would rather do it in a place that like you can make money or you're around like you go over there like in the winter. No one's getting that.

That's not true. Yes, it is. I mean to an extent. Okay. You're right. Why is someone renting in Belmore in December? What's it called? Belmore.

One more time. Am I wrong? Yes. What did I say? Idiot. You didn't know about that place in Jersey you've never been to? It's Belmore. Belmore?

Belmore exists. It's over here somewhere. Somewhere. Yeah. I think it's in Long Island. Whatever. Seaside fucking Jersey shore whatever the fuck you want to say. Yeah.

Wildwood. That's down there. Yeah. That's like an hour and a half south of me. I've been there. I have too. Once. And it is.

I saw a woman's boob at the pool when I was down there. I was like fire. I was like, it was awesome. Yeah. It was fucking sick. I went for work. She went for a dive. Titty.

Titty came out. Yeah. And she was wearing like a one piece. It was the 90s. Oh, how young were you? Oh, it wasn't the 90s. It might have been. It might have been like 1999.

Yeah. I went for work like a year and a half ago. And it's like stuck in the 50s. You know how like they had like that old school like signage in the 50s where it's like, you know, blinking signs like, come on, vacancy, you know, like the nude girls. Yeah. And like it was like stuck in the 50s. I was like, yo, this place sucks.

Yeah. I would hate to go down there. I'm pretty sure the first day I went in the pool and then I got a fever. Yeah. It was cool. Yeah. They had a ping pong room though. That was cool.

That's kind of fire. There are places in Jersey that are dry towns. Like you can't buy alcohol anywhere in the town. Utah's like that. They're not dry because they're all fucking Mormons out there. Well, that's why I guess Mormons don't like alcohol or one or. All the beers out all the beers out there were 3%. Isn't that crazy?

The laws were 3%. The blood lights were 3%. Is that high? No, it's low. They're usually at 4.2 and white clothes are 5%. I don't drink white clothes. So I wouldn't fucking know. Yeah.

So it's like you to get drunk out there. I mean, they have liquor, but it's hard to, you have to like go to a liquor store. Like they don't have liquor at like anything else. Well, that's how New York is. Liquor is only in liquor stores. Yeah. Now when you think about it, yeah. Beer is only in every other store.

Yeah. Jersey, it's the same. Like Jersey, you can't get beer at a grocery store, but you can get. That's a dumb rule where you can't get beer on like Sundays or something. That's how fucking, dude, when I was in college, that's how Connecticut. Remember, we'd go to the lake house. Yeah. And it was like past 8pm, which I think it still might be on every day.

And then Saturdays, it was no alcohol past 5pm. And then on Sundays, it was none at all. It doesn't make sense. What? Dude, going out to fucking bars and shit when I was in college was miserable because last call would be like one. It'd be like, all right, last call on a fucking Friday night. It's like, fuck all of you.

I want to still drink. Yeah. That's why I'm in Jersey. I mean, New York, you can't fucking replace it. Yeah. Last call is at like 4.30 in the morning. Yeah. You don't leave and get to a bar until fucking like 2.

Yeah. That's wild. Like 11.30, 12. Yeah. Which is wild, man. I mean, you go out in some cities and it's just like, you have to go out like super early. It just sucks. That's legitimately how it was when I was in college.

It was like, if you weren't out by 9, there was no point. Because then these places, these college bars would get fucking loaded up. It was insane. Did I ever tell you about the time I was at a bar and it got raided? By the co-by the- I was going to say by the co-lease. By the co-lease, baby. I was at a bar.

I was of age at this point in time. Thank fucking God. I don't know why I knocked on wood like I'm going to go back. Thank God it didn't transform into a young- And it got raided as we were there. And all the, like, yo, there was a lot of underage kids there. The people of age just went and took their drinks. So, yo, we showed up and we had, like, fucking pictures on pictures

because all these underage kids were drinking them and they got lined up against the wall and they're fucking each and every single one of them got taken away. That's amazing. It was wild, dude. It was awesome. And I drank, like, fucking- 15 beers.

Yeah. They're good old days. They're good old days, man. We need to do a case race soon. You're going to beat me, but I'm down. But, like, I just, I haven't- I'm going to come to your house, like, next weekend and we're going to sit in the backyard in the cold.

Are you, are you- Do you have a fire pit? I don't, but I need to get one. All right, I need to- I'm bringing one. Okay. I'm bringing a fire pit. I need to, I need to get, like, outdoor furniture

and shit. I haven't got any of that shit yet. But, um, are you going to spend the night? Who's going to fucking stay up with Becca and the baby? We should rethink this. Yeah. Maybe, like, we work out a way where, like, I can, like, come here or, like, you can come there for the night.

We can send Becca and the baby away, like, to, you know, like, somewhere- Oz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send them away. Send them away, send them away. And then we just get fucking loaded. Yeah.

Dude, you know how bad I want to get just stupid fucking drunk? Yeah, I know. Like, so bad. Yeah. So bad. I haven't had a drink in my house yet. We'll do it. I haven't had a cigar or a drink in my house.

Well, regardless, I'm going to come and we're going to have, like, a nice little glass of whisk. We're going to celebrate you being there and hugging, but outside of that. And hugging. Yeah, like, I haven't gotten, like, I'm, like, afraid to get drunk because I know if I get drunk, I'm not going to wake up with the baby in the night. It's also going to be brutal to wake up if you have to. But that's the thing.

It's like, I won't. Like, Becca will be like, babe, babe, babe, she needs a new diaper. And I'll just be like, yo, shh. No. Shut up. No way, dude. No way. Give me a glass of water, please.

And that's the other thing. When I wake up, I'm like, I'm parched. Yeah. So it would be, it would be rough. We're going to do it. Don't worry about it. Okay. Anyway, where can they find you, Frank?

F Alvarez8085 on Twitter and on Twitch. If you want to come hang out with me, play some video games. It's always a good time. And then the Frank Alvarez on Instagram. Again, make sure you check out the Patreon on patreon.com slash the basement yard. And what day does this come out? Is this coming out before or after March 11th? Either way, March 11th, I have my debut match in the movie trivia showdown for those of you

guys that don't know. It's going to be a competitive movie trivia league with a flair of WWE with storylines. It's fucking awesome. Please go check them out. And my debut match against Brother Lomas is on, it's either on there or it will be on on March 11th. So please, please, please, please go check it out. I'm fucking nervous.

Yes. And go follow the show at the basement yard on TikTok and Instagram. And yeah, like you said, the Patreon. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. My big boy, 29 years of life. Do you have any parting gifts, parting things to say for your 29th year? Seriously?

Nope. See you next time. Fuck.