The Basement Yard - #310 - Making Socks Stiff w/ Trevor Wallace

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

Comedian Trevor Wallace joins Frank & Joe on this week's episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to The Basement Yard, how's everyone going? Today we have a special guest. We have Trevor Wallace. Stand up comedian, digital comedian, and what else can we say? Tall and skinny. Tall and skinny. Tall and skinny. There we go.

What? Am I even hearing you right now? Are you hearing me? You know what? I'm going to turn you up. How's that? Bang. We're in.

Way too loud. It was a lot. Also, you have a podcast. I do a podcast called Stiff Socks. There it is, Stiff Socks. Everybody flocks it up like, is it Sticky Socks? But it doesn't. It's all about it.

I guess you have to get the Sticky Socks before you get Stiff Socks. You can't just. Wow. It's like frogs and toads. You can't have a toad that isn't a frog. You can't have a frog that isn't a toad. You were on to something with that.

Is that true? All toads are frogs, right? Well, I think tadpoles. You got to start with a tadpole. You start with a tadpole. What's a noot? That's a different animal. Those are something that don't exist.

Those are Pokemon characters. A noot's a real thing. What about salamanders? Those are, I think, bigger noots. A salamander's always wet. That's what I want to know. Why are they so fucking horny, dog? Relax.

They're pretty wet. They are pretty wet. Just always wet in the wild on a Tuesday at noon. Just wet it up. Take it fucking easy. A salamander. Where'd you get the name Stiff Socks? Are you always jerking off the socks or something?

Yeah, he was jerking me off one day. And my co-host. Oh, I was going to say someone else is jerking you off. My co-host. Yeah. No, dude, I don't. I don't know. It's so funny.

We were just riffing names at a coffee shop. And we were like, oh, that's funny. And then in the beginning stages of the podcast, we were like, we try to do something with a podcast where you're like, we're going to do an event. And then we're going to talk about that event. And then you realize you're like, hey, people don't want to hear you.

It's like, you did a thing, and then you have to try to explain it to somebody. It's like we have a shitty dream. And you're like, oh, god, Zilla was chasing me. And everybody's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like halfway through that story, you're like, no one's going to get this. Correct.

Yeah, so we tried to do that. And then we ended up just realizing the riffing part in the beginning was the most fun. And then we're like, oh, let's just do just riffing. And then the riffing got really sexual. And now the name makes sense. In the beginning, it didn't. You can't be like, going to SeaWorld, stiff socks.

Fuck Shamu, you freak. I've actually never been to SeaWorld in my life. I don't think, I think if you go now, you are going to be destroyed by Twitter. Does it still exist? Or they're like, no, it's out there, it's out there. They're out there, and they're still killing people. They're just ignoring cancel culture.

They're like, try to take down Shamu. They're like, yo, we're still going to beat up these fish. Joe Rogan, Tim Dillon, Ignorecance Culture, and SeaWorld. There you go. SeaWorld, they're actually leaning into it, dude. They had an Antifa meeting there the other week. It was crazy. I was like, no, we're hitting the whales harder, actually.

Yeah, I don't even know. I mean, that and somehow Legoland still exists. Which, what do they do at Legoland? Legos. Oh, it's just Legos. We looked into bringing miles to Legoland. What is Legoland? It's like Hershey Park.

It's like a poor person Disney World, Disneyland. Do you like Legoland? I've never been, but no, I can't go. I've never been either. I don't want the people to just. I can't afford it. Are you kidding me? They got drinks made out of cinder blocks.

It's like Disney, but everything is Legos. So the roller coaster will be a Lego car. I feel like that's when they pitched it. So we want to open up a new theme park. And they're like, all right, Craig, we'll hear you out. And he's like, you like Disneyland? They're like, yeah, you like Legos? And the guys are like, oh, fuck.

Are you about to say what I think you're about to say? It's like Hershey Park. It's like Disney World, but chocolate. Is that a real thing? I've actually never been there either. Hershey Park? I haven't been anywhere, dude. I've been to Disney World, but I haven't like, you know.

Florida One or the, uh, Florida One? Okay. Well, Disney World is Florida, Land is LA. Florida, yeah. That makes sense. It's just his own world over there. That makes sense. Yeah.

It is, it is, it is. A lot of weird homeless stories from Florida. Wait, homeless stories? Yeah. For you? No. Just like, you know, in the wind, the grapevine, you hear like a lot of things.

Like Danny had a lot of run-ins. Yeah, I remember that. Trying to chase him down, you know, out of a 7-Eleven or something like that, but what are you gonna do? Anyways, so stiff socks. Hey, stiff socks, huh? I had a question about it,

because, you know, the, obviously the name, we're talking about come folks, for anyone that's not up to speed, we're talking about coming in socks. And for some reason, that's like a thing that people do, apparently. Yeah. What's funny is they just assume we don't, but.

I mean, I think everyone knows what stiff socks are, but like, have you ever come across one in the wild? An actual stiff socks? A stiff sock full of cum? No, where are you going? I don't have a 13-year-old brother. Yeah, I feel like it's a very like, you're in like middle school and you're like,

oh, I don't know where to hide all this cum. And you just find the idea of socks. I've seen a stiff sock in person, and it's like, it's really like glass. It's kind of crazy how it happened. You found one in person? Yeah, I found one in person. Question.

Go ahead. Was this your sock? No. You just found it? Where? Wait, my brother's room. Oh, okay. Sorry, Nick.

So we know who's sock it was. You're making it seem like you're like, walking down the road. Also, when I worked in college, we found like one kid had like a jerk off, like fucking station, whole station set up. Like under his bed was just cum fucking towels and shit like that.

It was disgusting. Or legendary, the way you look at it, you know? He just leaned into it. If he becomes like a famous person or someone to know, then he'd like kind of auction those off, and then you would say that he's- Oh, I'm pretty sure like biohazard went in and just nuked the room.

Yeah, that is weird. Like completely destroy it. That is weird. Why does that happen with cum? Do we know anyone know the sign? I mean, we're all scientists here. Oh, yeah. So I feel like we should know why it gets so goddamn hard.

I think it's like string cheese, you know? Like the canned cheese, cheese whiz. You know, like once the elements hit it, like inside it's good. It's creamy, it's living the dream. I didn't know you could degrade cum. You're like, it's worse than cum, whiz cheese. Hey, man, I've seen a goofy movie,

you can't degrade cheese whiz. That sounds pretty good right now, honestly. But like it hits the elements and then it's just like- Yeah, it is true. I've never come on a sock in my entire life. Yeah, no, it's not great. I mean, I've used like a shirt to wipe it up. But I've never like come on like the same thing

like a hundred times and then it's just like a board, like a sheet of ice. Yeah, I think it's, I don't understand the whole jerking off with the sock thing. I don't understand the logistics behind it. Yeah, I never got that. I also never got the sock on the door. You're like, okay, I'm having sex.

It's like, oh, that's what you guys were doing in there? I thought you guys were playing a Parcheesee in there. Playing Jien Jenga. I'm like a cowboy hat on the door. Cowboy, I respect that. The cowboy hat would be cool. What would you guys put on your door right now if you're like, if you had to let me know,

you're rubbing one out. Bolo tie. Bolo tie. Honestly, I love it. I just like shove a banana on the end of it. There you go. Because I have like long ones. I don't have like a knob.

Oh, there we go. Joey talking about his long doorknobs. Sorry. It's a reoccurring theme. A more long than anything. They got an average doorknob, you know, gets the job done, opens the door, closes it. There you go.

I don't need to worry too much about the size. Honestly, the longest doorknobs I've ever seen in my life. So congratulations. I mean, they're not that long. I mean, that's a long doorknob. Dude, that's gripping a half. There's some poking out. You can even two hand that doorknob if you need to.

I mean, it depends how small your hands are, I guess. How long you been doing stiff socks for? A little over two years. Oh, all right. It's been fun, you know. I meant not the podcast. I mean like jerking off. Oh, coming in socks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, same, two years, two years. The day I started a podcast, I was like, I think I have to jerk off now. So you've never seen a stiff sock in real life. You've never like found one. No. Joey, why do you make it seem like this is something that would happen to people?

I think it's like enough people know about it. Like I guarantee we're going to start to get messages about people like, oh my God, I found like a stiff, you know, like fucking like slipper. And like just like wild shit that people were just like coming in to. This is a stiff Gucci slide. Yeah, that'd be cool.

No, it would not. Why not? Wait, how did you know the thing was so stiff when you found it? Did you pick it up? It was flat and it stayed flat when I moved the bed. Cause it was, it was in between the, I already said who it was, whatever.

It was in. Yeah, Doc's him. Where does he live now? It was in between their bed and the wall and I moved the bed and it just like, like fell down. If a sock makes a noise, it's a cum sock. Think about it. Unless it's a rolled up like Nike tube sock

that you throw at the wall. Any noise is terrifying. Man, this thing was sharp. This was your roommate? No, it was my brother. Oh, right, right, right, right. All right. Damn dude.

Maybe they were tandem, they're twins. They are. I'm not a twin. My younger brothers are twins. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I left that part out. So like if you're a twin and you're jerking off, does the other one know?

He's jerking you off actually, that's how it works. Telepathically. Telepathically, that is weird. Wait, there was a, these aren't twins. I don't think, I don't know. Well, they're twins. Siamese, when they're connected? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that accepted? Or is there a new word? Cause I'm not up to date on the Siamese. Yeah, I think it's joint people. You made that up. I did. I don't hate it. Yeah, I think that's okay.

But there was a Siamese twins. Siametic. A Siametic being that one of them was dating somebody. Whoa. And then a picture actually came out of one of them blowing the boyfriend. Whoa. Yeah.

Is there Siamese twin porn? What do you put on the door for that? Yeah. Jesus Christ. You have to like make some sort of barrier. Wishbone. Dude, like what we used to do in college, we all, in our frat we had,

we put curtains over our bed when we were like trying to bang. So like the other person didn't see it. I wonder if the Siamese twin, like you put like a curtain. You have to put like some sort of plexiglass. You guys had like a hospital bed? Uh-huh. You're really upset on this now. We would go to Target and like,

you know the windows that are like maybe a half size window, like maybe like a kitchen like, like lengthwise. Yeah. So we would just buy those and we'd wrap our bunk bed with them and then we'd put bungee cords. This is all every girl wanted to sleep with us. Oh my gosh. She's like, whoa, HGTV.

No, let's sleep with Trevor Wallace. All right. Yeah. And Brock Lesnar steps on it. So it was just like a bunk bed with bungee cords and then we'd string it up. And then like, you'd be like, oh, why don't you step into my fortress?

Dude, this is like man innovating. This is like what they do in prison, I think. Yeah. I think that's exactly what they do in prison. We're going to gloss over the fact that you just said Brock Lesnar steps on. But yeah, a hundred percent, like frat houses or like college dorms,

there's no sense of boundaries. And it's like, I'll bring someone home and be like, dude, don't open your eyes. I'm fucking them right now. Or also open your eyes. You've got to see this. This chick's hot. Just like watching when they're friends.

Yeah, you ever seen Brittany from Delta Gamma? Well, it's not her, but it's her homie. But yeah, I don't know what it was. And like girls, like when they come back, they'd be like, oh, okay, bunk bed. Then you like close the little curtain. She's like, oh, this is her wallet. Did you have some like lights in there or something?

Oh yeah. I mean, it was not good. Men in college, we set the bar so low that girls are just impressed by the dumbest shit. Yeah. And it's like, oh my God, you have fucking like Christmas lights around your bed post.

Oh my God, is that a Kenny Chesney poster that's in your bed? I've never seen that pulp fiction poster. And then like a shitty like fan that just blows right at your head. It's this big. And it absolutely doesn't make any fun. It makes all the sound, none of the wind.

I remember I visited one of my friends at college in his kitchen was literally a hole in the floor that you could see into the basement. Oh yeah. And it wasn't a small hole and it wasn't like in a corner. It was just like- Like if you weren't looking, you could fall in it or you tripping it.

You would, your leg would be in the basement. So like you would literally- The talk every day is like, oh, what the fuck? Yeah, exactly. Was it a frat house? Because the frat houses I've been to- Yes, oh no, it wasn't. Frat houses I've been to in my life

are the most disgusting places in the fucking world. It'll be like, yo, this is where we make our dinner and this is where fucking pledge boy Steve shat his pants. I walked in on multiple of my friends having sex in our kitchen. I was like out of all the places. A kitchen? Yeah, a kitchen, yeah.

I mean, that makes sense if it's not a conjoined house. But like you think of like a kitchen, like the kitchen you got out there. This was like a cafeteria that's been out of business for seven years. Gotcha. Like the silver trays and like the windows that you look at to scoop your food.

It was a big frat house but nobody used, like nobody like actually worked out of the kitchen. So it was just disgusting. They're just like empty like egg white containers. That's just what it didn't plow. God, that's fucking disgusting. Terrible. I'm picturing what the kitchen looks like

on the Titanic right now. Like if you dove down there. Basically, yeah. Think about that. Just think about a guy with a faux hawk having sex the next to it. Exactly, just wearing a backwards hat and just fucking sparrows and cargo shorts at his ankle.

Definitely snapbacks. They had a huge run there, snapbacks. Snapbacks were big. They did. There was literally a song that's called Snapbacks and Tattoos. Did you hear it? Who was that?

Was Califa, wasn't it? Was it? No. I thought it was like Tyga or Kid Inc. or something. One of those like. I'll tell you what it was. It was a legend. I'll tell you that.

Let me look it up. Snapbacks and Tattoos. It might have been Tyga. Sounds like a Tyga song. I think I actually. Dricky Graham? Okay. Ooh.

You don't know? Dricky Graham? Dricky? With one eye? Two eyes. I can tell by his hands who that is. Snapbacks and Tattoos. He definitely has Tattoos.

I don't know about the snapbacks. Great inspiration though. He looked in a mirror one day and he's like, I'm onto something with this. What do I have? What does everyone have? Snapbacks and Tattoos. Yes.

Snapbacks were, I remember, I had a snapback Santa hat and I thought it was the coolest kid in college. Oh dude. Those are pretty tight though. Guess what? I also have one. Definitely was not.

I also have one of those though. What the fuck? How do you feel about the beanies that have snapbacks on them? Have you seen those? What? Snapbacks. I've seen the ones with the rims. No, no, no. I'm talking like, it's very Williamsburg.

It's just a beanie, like folded and then the bag's got a snapback. Oh, that sucks. You guys haven't seen that? No. That really sucks. I'll pull it up for you. I just need to make your Tuesday that much worse.

Why would they do that? I tend to stay away from Brooklyn as much as possible. Why are there too many forward, like? It's like Philly. One block is like the nicest place in the world. Okay, so check these out. The next block you're gonna get shot. Check these out.

So it's like, it looks like a beanie in the front and then on the back, it's just got a snapback. And every time you wear it, you have more sex, apparently. I don't know about that. That one looks like just like a fitted with no brim. It does. No brim, yeah. It's essentially like what it kind of is.

Yeah, yeah. We need to bring back those Jay-Z hats from like 2006. Remember he had the, it was like the Scully with the brim? Scully with the brim. No, bro. That's the one I'm talking, like skateboarders and shit would wear that, no? And I think it was like a big Jay-Z thing.

Jay-Z was rocking them. Everybody was. Dip set, get your lips wet. Dip set, there you go. How about T.I.'s hat on the side of his face? Dude, can't figure it out. I still don't know how that happened. You can't do anything.

Like if somebody's like, you're like jogging for an elevator door, you can't. It's just gonna fall off. Yeah, you just like. You have to walk at one speed your entire life. Him and a marathon, just be so funny, just the side of his head. So it was the first guy to finish it with the hat staying on his head.

It was barely on his head. I gotta be honest, I've tried to do that. I think everybody did. So hard. You gotta have the freshest buzz cut with those little velcro. I don't think it's the buzz cut. I think he's got something under there

that's kind of jerking it. Do you think he's juicing? I think he's juicing a little bit. I think he's got something in there that just kind of props it up against the side of his head and just. Dude, what if he revealed he had a mohawk under this whole time?

I mean, it could happen. It could happen. Oh, we don't like T.I. right now, right? Didn't he do weird sex slave stuff? Oh yeah, him and his wife. They were like, I don't know. Because they were like fucking, they were like, I don't know, dude.

It was like this whole thing. I'm gonna get it wrong, but it's okay, because it's done. We know, but we don't. He's not watching. But him and his wife were like banging people in a hotel. And then the wife was like sending people in. Like it was like a really crazy thing.

Anything that starts with banging multiple people in a hotel is not gonna be great. And also your wife's like facilitating, you know? She's like the hostess. Is it Tiny? The girl, her name is Tiny. Tiny, yes, yeah, yeah. I think it's because she is.

I was gonna say Peachy, but I guess I'm wrong on that one. It could be like when people have big dogs and they're like, this is scruffy, or what do they say? Yeah, like shrimpy or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one calls their dogs shrimpy. How do you know there's no dogs that are shrimpy?

Shrimpy? I think so. No, I know. And you have like a really tall, fat friend. You call him Tiny and it's like, yeah, but she's actually a small, you know, tiny. Well, I don't think. Not a little person.

I don't think TI is that big either. Like TI is like five, four. Is he? He's not listening. So let's just say he is. I don't know, dude. The hat makes him like six foot even though. It's gotta be, yeah.

Dude, he needs the Pharrell hat. Oh, that hat. When that first came out. Yeah. Bro, celebrities and hats is a lot of stuff shit going on. Yeah, I know. It's like whenever like a trend starts to like die off, like everyone starts wearing something,

Pharrell's just like, we gotta go bigger. Yeah. We gotta make, we gotta. It's getting a little too normal. Yeah. Well now, well now celebrities are like putting their blood in everything and selling it. Oh yeah, who do you guys recently?

So Lil Nas X did it. Who did it? Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk. And then Tony Hawk, the trend. Dude, but at age like 52, like save your blood, my man. Like that's. And yeah, he's not looking so good.

Well, seeing him, he looks. For a 52 year old, you look solid, but also at 52, like give me my blood. I'm not an organ donor. Give me my type B. I feel like you need all the blood you can get at that point. Especially he's probably lost a couple ounces too.

Also coming out of a pandemic, you're like, hey man, you want my blood. Well, at this point, it's just like, and like people are like seriously, like he like TI, not TI. Tony Hawk, like put his blood on like skateboards. That's so, just like sign my tech deck and call it a day, you know?

Yeah, just remake American Wasteland and we're fine. That's a great game. So you guys aren't getting blood away in your guys merch is what I'm hearing. Well, I'm not like against it. No, we're not doing blood and merch. Dude, there was a video also, I don't know if you saw it, but it was kind of like, I didn't know you.

I mean, I guess you could like, I'm not the biggest fan of blood. Like I'm not gonna like one of those people who see blood and like pass it off. Yeah, Joey's way more of a sweatshop type of guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like I like the Nazi as the sausage is made and just ignore everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, the video I saw of Tony Hawk, he like literally on camera had someone put an IV in his arm and then they took the vial and put it in the paint, like the blood. And you were like, I didn't need to see it. It's very weird. Cause if like an eighth grader did this,

you're like, oh, this guy's about to shoot this shit up. Right? Yeah, yeah. But it's Tony Hawk, he shreds the gnar and we all love him. It's great, dude. He does shred the gnar. That's it.

Yo, he had a 900 like two years ago. Yeah, I don't think you need to be young to be a good skateboarder. I think you just need to know how to skateboard to be one. I'd be like, Limber, the fuck are you talking about? I know, I've been on board for a lot of things today. And that's when I'm like, I'm 28 and I see a razor scooter

and I'm like, not today. No, like razor scooter hits my ankle today. I'm out for like a week and a half. I'll be very excited if razor scooters come back. You gotta like, that's a lot of twist at once. Hell yeah. I mean, it's because I've never been on a board before. First of all, when you spoke about this,

I had a C3BO skateboard when I was younger and I had all the experience I needed. But like, I feel like once you're good, if you're consistently skateboarding, you'll stay limber enough. For instance, knees. Knees aren't a big thing in performing an ollie on a skateboard. Literally, knees are like what you need to jump.

But you don't jump, it's more like fucking like you just boom, it's physics more than it's like being like at play. Tony Hawk, get in here. We actually have Tony Hawk get in here. I feel like knees are like the stock of a sunflower. It's like, that's the part that grows it. If you would have said any other body part, I'd be like, OK. But like, if Bam or Jarrick can still skateboard,

then anyone can do it. I don't think he's skateboarding right now. He's doing it, but he's just like on a lot of ketamine. He's like, I'll get through this right now. Shut up, Bam, my favorite. He's just like, he's numb. Yeah, there you go. I mean, if you're like, you don't need thumbs for 900,

I'd be like, I can see that. Yeah, you know, you don't. But then you got to hold the board like this, that's weird. That would be tough. I think you need a lot of body parts. I don't think the 900. Oh, yeah, you need to try. Dude, the 900's hard.

How many is that? 360 plus 360, oh, shit. 360 plus 720 plus 180, so that's too many. Wait, what, don't fuck? Wait, dude, you're like over 1,000. You're like, yeah, it's like 1,400. No, it's not. You said 720 plus 360.

No, I said 360 plus 360, which is 720 plus 1,500. I thought you were starting with 720. So it's 2 and 1,500. You're just smarter than Joe and I. It was quick math. Yeah, that was, honestly, I can't add at all. So wait, one more time. 360, 360, 360. So 360, boom.

Full circle. 360, boom, that's 720. So 2 and 1,500 spins. Yeah, 2 and 1,500. So you're landing backwards. I guess. You're landing goofy? They call it goofy.

Threaty? Yeah. Or silly? 360. 360. Yeah, so I guess it's, I guess he's landing backwards, but then he just does one of those. No, you land like, it's called like goofy here.

Dude, that was a moment in time, though, when he hit the first 900. That was a big day. Oh, I never saw it. I used to love the fucking X games, dude. Like, I would watch it and be like, yo, this is what I want to do with my life. That was just a bro Super Bowl.

I was also. Just chug Mountain Dew and watch the X games. Yeah, dude. I was never a big X games boy. Really? Oh my god, I was so into it. I love it because it was just intense sports right away. There's no bobsledding.

There's no javelin. It's like, this guy's going to do a fucking backflip in his grandma's wheelchair. Dude, exactly. There's so many like people like getting hurt and like snapping their necks. I was like, this is awesome, dude. Also the name, like X games.

You're like, yeah, the letter X never gets used. Let's fucking go, baby. Yeah, the letter X is always like, if there's X on anything. X on mode. I will watch it X games though, before that realization happened. I just love watching guys just like attempt a backflip

and then just blow their teeth out of their mouth and look in the camera and just like, damn. It's for you, Debbie. It's like, let's do your fucking killing. No, it's intense. Well, people are doing that right now with this fucking crate challenge. People are bashing their ankles, ribs.

I haven't had that much fun watching videos in a while. Just scrolling to like Twitter or something and it's, wow. There's nothing better than people just falling. And yeah, that's just the internet. The internet's like, this is good. Keep it coming. This is a great platform. I can watch people, I get two things

and I've done this multiple times and this is not a joke. I have looked up when I'm just like in like a okay mood and like, yo, I need to pick me up. I don't go to like energy drinks. I go to the fucking YouTube and I type in people fainting on live TV. That's dark. No, hilarious.

Oh, when you only use what you want to say, that one. That one. That one. Bro. One of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. How do they also not be like, hey guys, cut the cameras, don't air this segment. No, that's live TV.

Wendy's like, we need the views. Yeah, you need to keep it up. Put a meme behind it. Add some music to it. If I will say, if I'm in a faint, I want it to be like that, where it looks like I just saw a fucking ghost. Where I'm just like, dude, yes.

Like so many people on the news are just sitting there and all of a sudden they're just like, everyone has like the realization in their eyes. Like, I'm going, I'm going to fuck it down. We're going down. And they're just like. And the co-host is like, that's crazy. So the Seahawks today.

Just like move forward, move forward. The guy in the mirror is like, just ignore it. People doing the crate challenge are falling from like 10 feet. Pretty high. Way too, dude. If I was like to set that up, like before this was a thing,

I would never go that high. Also on the ground. It's like, hey guys, let's do it over a seal. You're assertive. That's what I said. I'm like, I'm watching people do it. And they're like doing it over like concrete. Not even just concrete, but like grass, but like dirt.

You know what I mean? Like not enough grass. So not only do you eat shit, but you have to have dirt all of your clothes now. And then the way people are falling is they're like going onto their side and getting just jabbed in the side. Did you see the one where the guy jumped

into the crates when he was on top? The guy was on the top shelf and then he pushed it. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. It was one of those last, right? I was on an airport by myself and I wanted to tap a stranger and be like, you gotta watch. You gotta see this. Someone's gotta watch this.

I was like texting people I haven't talked to in four years. Watch this. So you said there's two things you watched. The first one was fainting. Fainting. And then the other one is people like walking into glass doors and shit. That's a good one.

Cause there's some people. Have you ever done that? Yeah. Dude, it's not cool. It's not fun. But it's cool if you're watching it. No. Like I've seen someone walk into like a supermarket.

Like they thought they were going to the right door but they weren't and they hit this door and the glass shatters. That's the one that gets me because I'd walk and hit a glass door before going pretty fast and it didn't break. How fucking fast do you have to go to shatter the whole thing?

You gotta have a lot of purpose. Oh yeah. I would almost be proud of myself. It's like when somebody breaks a backboard in the NBA you're like, that's a good done. I'm like, that's a good walk. Dude, I was walking. Yeah, I was looking at employment.

Clean that shit up. Where's the papayas? Before I move on, we do have some sponsors on today's show. So let's get to them. The first one being Honey. If you don't have Honey, you're missing out on money. That rhymes. Honey is a free online browser extension

that you just kind of plug in. You download, it just takes a few seconds and it's free by the way with our custom URL. And it just saves you money online. And it like goes and search for coupons. It searches for promo codes or whatever. And you just save money without even really realizing. So it's great.

So you don't have to be on the up and up on what promo codes or coupons or whatever sales are out there. You just let this do its work and it's free. And it supports over 30,000 online stores that range from anything from like tech and gaming products to fashion brands and even food delivery.

So yeah, you should definitely download Honey. It's amazing. They have 17 million members and they've saved them over $2 billion. Okay, so like I said, it's free. Installs in just a few seconds. You can get it at joinhoney.com slash basement. That is joinhoney.com slash basement.

Just do it. You know what I mean? Holidays are coming up, not too far away. You could save some money shopping with Honey. So go check them out, joinhoney.com slash basement. Next up, we have Quip, the electric toothbrush. Everyone knows it's my favorite toothbrush, right? I got the black one.

I got the all blacked out set. It's amazing. They have everything. They have gum, they have floss. They have a toothpaste. They have the toothbrush, which is amazing. The toothbrush is like, it's electronic, but it doesn't like shake everywhere.

You know, some toothbrushes are like shaking everywhere and like the toothpaste is getting everywhere. This has a good shake to it or whatever it's called. What is that called? Like a buzz. It's got a good buzz, I guess. But it's really good. And it's my favorite toothbrush I ever used.

And I actually bought a brand new one not too long ago. But they're great. They also have a mouthwash. It's good for your mouth and the planet with a four times concentrated formula. Quip ships less water and more good for you ingredients. Each eco-friendly refill places a big bulky 470 milliliter bottle from one of those other brands

once diluted in quips. Refilled bottles are made from 100% recycled plastic. Okay, so we're saving the earth here, folks, with this. All right, they got a package for everything. And the best part about it is for a small fee every three months, you will get new brush heads or a refill on this doctor-recommended gum or for the floss, it's amazing.

Along with the mouthwash, like I said, you get the brush head floss, toothpaste every three months. Shipping is free. It's great. So yeah, go check them out at getquip.com slash basement five right now. You'll get $5 off a mouthwash starter kit. That is $5 off a mouthwash starter kit,

which includes a refillable dispenser and a 90-day dose of supply of quips four times concentrated formula at getquip.com slash basement five. That is G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash basement five, all right? So go to quip, change your whole bathroom routine with them. They're great. I will live and die by quip in the bathroom there.

Next year we have Simply Safe. Simply Safe is keeping a lot of homes safe in a simple form, okay? Frank's got a brand new house. He's got Simply Safe, all right? They were awarded Best Home Security System of 2021, okay? And it just got better. It has an ultra-wide 140-degree field of view,

so you can keep watch of your entire yard. It has 1080p HD resolution with an eight times zoom, which is amazing. Built-in spotlight with color night vision. It's a great security system, and it's very easy to set up. And obviously, if you have a nice home, you don't have it. You need a security system in this day and age, all right?

So to learn more about the exciting new Simply Safe wireless outdoor security camera, visit simplysafe.com slash basement. That is simplysafe.com slash basement. And Simply Safe is celebrating this new camera by offering 20% off of your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service-free when you enroll in interactive monitoring, okay?

That again, that is simplysafe.com slash basement to get this new camera that is amazing, like it's easier to move a chargeable battery like the whole bit. Again, you get 20% off your entire new system and your first month of monitoring service-free when you enroll in interactive monitoring, all right? So that's a good deal, folks.

And lastly here, we have HelloFresh, which is a great company, HelloFresh. Basically, you get pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door. So you can go on the site and pick out what you like or tell them what you want. There's a bunch of different plans

or different types of things. Like all their stuff is organic, but I mean like you could be like, okay, I want a little calorie or I want vegetarian or something like that. You can go on their site and pick these things. The fall harvest is officially on, by the way, with HelloFresh.

You can count on seasonal recipes like pumpkin cinnamon rolls. Whoa, that sounds amazing. And friends giving ready sides, as well as fresh, high-quality ingredients that travel from the farm to your front door in less than a week. It's over 30% cheaper than shopping at the grocery stores

and it's like probably 80%. I don't know the number, but it's probably like 80% cheaper than going to a restaurant. So yeah, this is a great way though to get into cooking. You find, you get these little recipes and you get to keep them. And then you can just make them

after you make them when they give you the pre-sportion stuff. So definitely check out HelloFresh. It's really awesome. Like I said, it's affordable and it's food to your front door. You don't have to do all the shopping, get all the little things.

They send it right to you pre-portion. You're using all of it, all right? So nothing goes to waste. Go to HelloFresh.com slash basement 14 and use the code basement 14 for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping. Okay? So use the code basement 14

for up to 14 free meals, including free shipping at HelloFresh.com slash basement 14. All right, folks. I hate to admit this. I like watching like fight videos, but like the ones where they'll be in like a, like a frigging like hot dog, like papaya. Like what are those places called in Manhattan?

Hot dog and papayas. Yeah, there's like a hot dog spot that's called something papaya or something. And it's like people just like grabbing each other and shoving, and then they put someone through like a plate glass window. Oh yeah. And like those are pretty like that.

I haven't seen this. The fight plus the glass windows, that gets it going. Oh my God, the world star ones where just be like a knockout fucking compilation. I'm like, yo, this is scary, but I'm shit. I'm like, my adrenaline. Yeah, it's just 12 hours of people giving their ass beat. Most stars like this is good content.

Yeah, I hate to admit, I definitely follow like three Twitter accounts that are just like fights. Yeah. Just like knockout compilations and fights. And they bring me in a lot of joy. I watch some, I follow some account on Twitter that's like, the name is like something freakouts or something, but they always retweet a page

that's just called Girls Getting Hurt. I was like, I don't have the heart to follow this page. But I'll check it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it's like, I don't know for whatever reason, it's just like, who the fuck came up with that idea? I don't know, but that, I love that the name of the account is just very on brand.

Yeah, it lets you know what it is. There's no puppy videos on there. It's not like girl fights, it's Girls Getting Hurt. Yo, speaking of like fights and Girls Getting Hurt, you remember that one girl who like threw a fucking shovel at that girl? That was a meme for a while. That was a vine thing for a while.

Was that a, was it? Was that the Sharkisha one? No, no, no. That was the seven one, right? No, that was. That one became a sound bite. It was a Sharkisha. This one was just like these two like

hick ass looking white people. Yeah. And one of them was like hit one of them and then like was running away and just launched a shovel. Launched a shovel and cracked her head. I mean, that did so many like numbers afterwards. Like when you get out of the hospital

and you don't have CTE anymore, you're probably like, that is pretty cool. I made it. Yeah. Dude, in a small town, I would find that girl and be like, let's do part two. You might come with a shovel, but come on. You know, like when a person just goes viral for something

and then they're bio, they're like, yes, I'm this person. She's just like, I gotta hit with a shovel. She's just at home, deep on next to the shovel. I was like, you know. People always repeat the content that they went viral for. And she's just like, who else wants to hit me with something else now? Right.

Yeah. Or have you seen it where they like release merch? I saw one where this, and I mean, I get it. Like dude, if you're from a small town, whatever in this video goes like dumb viral, sure, milk it, right? Yeah. But I saw this one where this girl was like

taking a selfie while driving and she got in a car accident. And then she took the screenshot from that and put it on a shirt and was like selling it. But like dead, like dead serious. Capitalism, baby. Dead serious. I was like, who watched that viral video?

And they're like, I'll support it. I need something to wear to class tomorrow. She's like, I almost killed yourself. That's, I'm sorry, I don't know what that shit. I get it though. But yeah, it was just very funny. How do you guys feel about the military when the guy comes, what, how do I stop there?

Sharp, sharp turn there. I didn't know if you support them. No, I'm saying the videos where they come home or they're like surprise somebody. That, yeah, those ones give me to cry every time. Every single time. The ones where the son doesn't know and he's like in an art class, and walks in.

I love the, yeah. I'm sorry to cut you off. I love the one where they like dress them up as like the school mascot. And they're like, oh shit, like coming out for homecoming. And then they're like. Dude, what if they just didn't get that memo and it's just like, just a guy named Steven under there.

And he's just like something 14. No one's like, what the fuck? They're like, oh. I thought this was gonna be a special moment. Yeah. I saw one where it was like, it was at a baseball game. Yeah, most of them are. Yeah.

What is that? Nobody's ever had a soccer game. It's a very white score. America's game. That's true. You know what I mean? I guess. But it was like the families that like home played

and they were like honoring, you know, whatever. And then they had like the guy on like the Tide Tron or whatever and was just like talking. And then he came out of the bullpen. That gets me going. So they were all like, huh. And I was like, oh, shit. And then he starts running like Mary Ann Rivera

coming in the ninth. And he doesn't even make it to the infield. He just drops to his knees and his family cow's like, bro. Oddly enough, I guess, I don't know what this is about me, but the ones that have the dogs are the ones that get me the most. Because the dogs come out, they're just like, oh, no, no. And like, they're so fucking.

Very accurate for what a dog would be saying in a moment. They're like crying and like, oh my God. And like those are the ones like the kids. Like, yeah, cute. We get it. Like some of the kids don't even realize, you know what I mean? Like the ones that come home and the kid is like one and they're like, like that kid doesn't know who you are. Yeah, you know, it's kind of sad.

But like the dogs, dogs know they remember. What the most like random game that like besides baseball, you could do that at that wouldn't make sense. Lacrosse. Yeah, I'm saying what's like the funniest one. This was like some kid playing dodgeball or something. His dad just comes out and just blasts him in the face. Oh, bitch.

Just like, yeah, like just like playing like tetherball. And like the troops steps in and just throws it back at him. Yeah. I've never even like seen a tetherball pole in person. Oh, it was a big thing when I went to the camp. I love it in elementary school would play that. Really? Oh, yeah. I mean, that dude, if you beat like two people

at recess and tetherball, you're like, I'm probably going to hand job tonight. You never did. What leaves me personally? But there was something about it because it was so public. You saw yourself getting your ass like publicly by so many people and then it was a momentum game. It was a showman's sports. So they're sitting there and they're opening up

and they're just like, fuck. But once you get a few rallies in a row, it's like NBA Jam is like, he's on fire. It's like one of those where you're like, god, god. Like when you get a few going in a row, it's kind of game over. Yeah, I feel like if you're a lot taller than the person you're playing, it's like a wrap. Yeah, arm length is big.

Also, like you have to make sure you play with no ropes because there were people that would throw from the rope. I'm saying like there are ropes, but like there was like rules when I used to play back in the day is you had to throw from the ball. You couldn't like, because people would use the rope. Or there's like momentum. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought you had to just smack the ball. Yeah, but people can use the rope to fucking throw it. Oh, would you get more throw off that? Definitely, dude. That thing slings back and then you just fucking rock. Oh, never hit one of these things in my life. So I don't know. Really? It was intense, dude.

I'd go back to like art class and my like recipe a little sore. And I'd be like, I'm not, I'm not drawing in lines today. All right. It's funny how the games that meant the most to us is like young children mean nothing. You zoom out, it's a stick and it's a rope and it's a ball.

But kick, dude, kickball? That was my life. Kickball was, I swear to God. I could see you being really good at kickball. He was. But he had contact, not power. There was some other kids that we knew, like basically played with fucking Timmerland boots on.

How did people get out? So wait, let's say I'm on second, but how do you get that person like running to bed? Do you have to catch it? The same rules as like baseball. You just have to fucking peg on the ball. Oh, you pegged the runner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's what I was missing. I thought you had to catch. I'm not athletic. I mean, yeah, that's. Okay. I was a last pick on a lot of things. I mean, you were a tetherball champion apparently. Yeah, I was playing against myself, but.

Do you see me in this shit out there? I was like, get on the driving range and be like, imagine if that was a hole though, you know? Yeah, exactly. You weren't like, you didn't play like any sports? I played sports growing up. I just wasn't good at it. I was the only guy in my hometown

who got, what's it called? I almost had a family. Jesus Christ. Oh, well, yeah, let's start there. No, in basketball, when they're like, you, you're suspended. Technical? Technical, I got two technicals in the game

and I was suspended for a game in a men's high school league, not even for the high school, but like just like an outside league. Gotcha. You weren't good enough to play for the school. No, no. So you played for a league outside of the school. Yeah, I was, yeah, exactly.

I went more on like the, the Ron Artes route. Like some guy like boxed me out too much on a rebound and I didn't like it. And then I was like, you fucking pussy. And the Ralph's like, you can't cause. And then I should have the guy. And then I got kicked out for a week, but I still went to the game in full clothes

and sat on the bench. I was like, y'all are, y'all are going to know it. Just in case they felt bad. They were like, all right, come on. Yeah, just in the case that guy sees me and he's like, oh shit, he's back. Yeah, just not good at sports for the most part. We had a guy like that in our basketball team.

His name was Dalton and he was like, not great, but he was just like a psycho. And he was like, my dad was the coach. When this was like in like seventh grade and we would start the game and then like two minutes in, he would call time out and then put him on like their best player and just be like, foul out. Yeah, just foul out like immediately.

I just like scare the shit out of this game. Run it up, yeah. He's like, no, I'm not, that's not happening. Strong Dalton vibes, yeah. Strong Dalton vibes. Yeah, I remember Dalton. He was, he was a little crazy. Hit me in the face with a baseball once he was.

Wow. Cause he was also, no by accident. He was like, he was on the same baseball team as me and I used to pitch and he was the catcher. And why are you looking at me like that? I don't know. Cause you know, Gainus, now he thinks you're gay, crazy. Whatever.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. I'm all about it. No, so. Just three dudes being like, wait, wait, no, no, for real. Wait till you guys hear about the dream I had. We'll get to that in a little bit. Okay.

I pitched coming soon. I struck some kid out and then I thought I was like, all cool. So I just kind of like looked away and he was like, oh, he didn't like, and this was like, we were a little younger. So we're not like throwing it around or anything. So I struck the guy out and I like looked to the side

and he threw the ball right back to the mound. He'd be right in the temple, which went out. Good throw. I mean, the kid could have pitched cause he hit me pretty hard. Yeah. What if that's how your coach ran out? He's like, all right, you're in.

You're in. You sit the fuck down. Yeah, Joe's on the ground. He's spazzing a little bit. You're in. That was a good throw. Just do that, but over home plate. Drag him out.

Joey never really talked about this, but he was definitely like a jock growing up because I was probably more like you. Like I played, I wasn't good, useless. I remember watching your videos growing up and be like, this guy's just like the alpha bro. Not, not like real because outside of this, outside of this room right here,

he's pretty tame and chill, but like he used to definitely like- He's so tame, it's so funny. A human, he's pretty tame. He's domesticated. He's neutered. He won't bite you. He's happy.

He likes you. He's new. He's fixed. Like if I got here and you're like, yo, my boy Frank, he's tame. I'd be like, okay, look, I didn't mean to. He may jump on you. So just take it.

When he came to sports, he definitely was like alpha bro. Like he was always like one of the captains, like picked first, you know? So definitely your spot on with that, absolutely. Real quick, I don't wanna forget about this, gay dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so like, I guess I'll just go in. So I had a dream.

I don't know why I'm telling you. He needs to know too. Had a dream where, and now I'm not gay. This is already very different from the MLK, I have a dream. I had a dream and I was like, this is gonna be powerful. I have a dream, no. I'm not gay, I'm not gay in real life.

But I guess in my dreams, I'm gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what they say, dream thoughts are real thoughts. Yeah, what do they say? Like drunk words or sober thoughts? Yeah, yeah, whatever you wanna tell yourself man. Gay dreams are, you know. Well, we were gay in the dream.

There you go. And me and you, me and you were very gay. Wait, so how, we're like in love? Well, I would hope so. I would hope I was your type, you know? I hope in a strong relationship. But the part of the dream that I wanted to talk about was we announced that we were gay

and I wanna know what you guys think about like how this would be for an announcement. We announced we were gay but we both at the same time posted a video, a sex tape of you and I. Same time? On social media. Wait, do you remember the tape? I mean, pretty sexy.

Like on a GoPro or an iPhone X? No, like we recorded it, like these cameras. No. Oh wow. Yeah, set up the camera. Is that 4K? Yeah. So you announced you're gay and 4K, you're a legend.

That's all I'm gonna say. That's what I'm saying. And we posted it on social media as like our announcement. Like honestly, from what I remember, pretty good. Well guys, look, if you ever feel down on creativity one day, hey. Well, I just would probably only be able to live on Twitter

because you could scroll on Twitter and see some shit but you can't on Instagram. I mean, whatever, like Instagram would take it down. But like, I didn't get that part. I think I woke myself up cause I was a little afraid. You know what I mean? Where you're just like, no. Wait, so who was doing what?

I think we were both just like interplay. Like we were both like, what do they call them? Switch hitters? He's being nice. No, I don't know. How long were you watching our sex tape? Some of these are more dominoes. Like it was like, it was a dream sex tape.

It was sick. So it was like, we did pretty well for ourselves. I gotta say that. Good lighting, nighttime, daytime. Did you get that horrible angle of like balls? I gotta be honest, you're asking a lot of questions I don't remember. Oh, wow.

I need to know. It's a dream, you know, I don't remember a lot. But like, I was kind of thinking like, is that a good way to announce if you're gay? Like just like straight up, like just post a sex tape. Honestly, no, but I love it. It's not. But I feel like sometimes that's, you know,

that's what happens. Actually, I recently found out that possibly to be, whatever, my sources are questionable. I heard that Rod Stewart. He also had a dream. Yeah, well, he had a dream that became a reality apparently. He had a, yeah. So Rod Stewart, famous guy, Maggie May, great song.

But anyway, my dad was just here and he was telling me a story. He's like, yeah, you know, I had a friend who used to work in a hospital in Manhattan and Rod Stewart came in because he was like really sick. And they had to pump his stomach and they pumped 15 CCs of sperm out of his stomach. Whoa.

Which? How much is a CC? So I have no idea. I don't know what a CC is, but I do know in Mario Kart, like 150 CCs, it's going down pretty fast, you know what I'm saying? I know that. But like, I don't know what a CC is.

This is really cool actually. Now you brought Mario in. 15 CCs, if it's anything close to an ounce, 15 ounces of fucking coffee is crazy. What if it was like one of those like things that like it makes you look youthful though, you know? Like if we found out like the Fountain of Life is just suckin' dick.

That's what it is, yeah. 15 CCs. Bro. Are they sure has come? They're just like, oh, it's not almond milk? Like is this? They're doctors, I have to say. Oh, okay.

CCs is like. He like tasted it. He's like, gotcha. Pineapple, yeah. I don't know. I gotcha. CCs is like a fluid measurement, obviously. So 15 CCs would be 0.5 fluid ounces.

Half an ounce of jizz. That's a lot. Half an ounce, but a shot glass is 1.5, right? Yeah, so. Not that much. Wait. He might have just been curious one morning, be like, I'm.

Yeah, it doesn't sound. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's, yo. Half an ounce is not that much, right? Is it? Because think about it. A shot glass is 1.5 ounces. 1.5 ounces, he's right.

So a third of that. Wait, that can't be. That's not sick. That's not much. I don't think that's why he was in the hospital, right? Well, he felt, well, maybe. They had to pump his stomach. Maybe he meant 50 CCs.

Because 15, that's not a lot. My dad doesn't annunciate. He does not. He does not. So 50 CCs, that's more along the lines of, let's see, I got a conversion table right there. 1.69 fluid. Still not that much.

No, a full shot of come, dude. That's not enough to be looking at your stomach and be like, hold on. Yeah, that's not enough to sign the envelope. What is that? Yeah, I'm pretty sure Lil Kim was doing that on a nightly basis. Didn't she have like a pound of commoner or something like that? Yeah, I made that up.

No, no, no. The thing was like the picture is, a pound is more. A pound is a lot. I don't think you would need at least like 50. That's like a Thanksgiving dinner on. Maybe 150 CCs? Dude, you could keep raising that number. Yeah, you could be like anything.

All I know is that the dude had a commoner. That's all I know. What's wrong with that, Joey? I just had a gay dream. Are you going to put me down for that now, too? No, I was in the stream, and I was gay in it. I can speak on these things, Frank. You were.

You were a little gay in it. Actually, a lot of gay in it. Apparently. Oh, we were switching up, you said, right? I think we were both just, you know, exploring the space. That's got to be the best kind of a situation, I would assume, to talk to. We actually just talked to someone on other people's lives.

There's another podcast that I do where we interview people. We talked to someone who, this is coming out next season, so I probably shouldn't say it, but I'm going to say it anyway. Has sex with, so this guy's husband has sex with him while he's asleep. Whoa. So the guy who's doing this, having the fucking, the top, I'll say, is asleep.

But like, oh no, step bro, I'm asleep type of thing? Or like, asleep asleep? No, like, my eyes are closed, and I am dreaming, and I'm going to get this. I feel like you'd wake up. Well, yeah. And apparently, he like, jizzes. Due to sleep or the other guys.

Sleep time jizz is a normal thing. People do that. Well, what, what dream? I've never had a what dream in my life. I've never had one, but like, people, we've discussed it. Get the nyquil, shut the lights off. Just like, slant, like, you just wake up, and you're like, did it again?

Yeah. What is it like? Like, waking up, and you're like. Well, you happily dream, and you're like, damn, I think I was having sex in a dream last night, and then you wake up, and you're like, oh, shit. I do that with pee. I almost pee my pants multiple times over the night.

Like, I'll, I'll be like, in my dream, I'll be like, yo, I'm dreaming about having to find a bathroom, and then going to bathroom in the toilet, and then sometimes in the toilet. And then I'll like, wake up, and be like, did I dribble a little bit? Like, that's like. I've had to do that.

I remember one time I was younger, I was wearing a onesie. It was like Thanksgiving morning, and I don't know why I remember all that. I was on the top bunk of my bed, and I was peeing into a urinal, and then I woke up, and I was, and my dick was like, you know, when your dick's got a, you feel like your dick like, is opening, like, yeah, the piss is coming in.

So I kind of felt that, and then I was just like, whoa, like, I had to like. You stopped it. Grab my shit, run to the bathroom, and I had to undo the whole fucking onesie. We don't all get so lucky. Yeah, that's not great. That's like the worst thing you pee yourself.

Try to get the back zipper on. Yeah, let's do this. This one was actually in the front, so it was a little easier. The back zipper, is it like a straight jacket onesie? What the hell? The onesie's always. The onesie's always.

What? I've never, I've always had front ones. That, okay, that makes so much more sense. It's not as comfortable when you lay down on it. It's like a dress, you know what I mean? Like you need someone to zip you up or something like that. Roppers? Never did that.

Unrelated? You ever wear a romper? I did as a joke. Okay, how was that? I feel like that's super annoying. It wasn't great. What happened is like this. You have to get completely naked

to like use the bathroom, don't you? Well, when I first started making videos, this was probably like one of my early YouTube videos. I probably deleted it, but this was like 2015, 2016. You know when rompers came out, I was like, dudes are wearing rompers. So you know that video in New York where it's like a girl walks around for 10 hours

and gets harassed. I did that, but I was like, I'm a dude in Venice Beach and today I'm gonna get harassed. And a lot of them were like planted, but some of them were actually people being like, yo, you fucking bitch. Because I walked past the Venice basketball courts

and they let me have it. Yeah, but like, I did it, but it wasn't like a romper romper. It literally just looked like a dress. Yeah. Honestly, people were not nice. It was not, but I was like, this will get views and they're okay for me.

I'm trying, I don't know if all of those videos are like, I know that when we get harassed and cackled and shit, especially in the city, but like those videos are so like extreme sometimes. And I'm like, is this real? I feel like she was just taking laps around a construction site, just like back, forth, back, forth, back, forth.

I get that because like I've walked past a construction site and like, I feel like dudes are looking at me and I'm just like, maybe I'm just like narcissistic, but I was like, I don't like this. Yeah, it's unfortunately, I would say like for girls, it's probably way more real. Like for guys, it's probably planted,

but even, I remember when we were younger, like jokingly, me and one of our friends like held hands and walked down the street and like the first car that passed just started screaming homophobic slurs. Really? Yeah, you don't remember that? Was it me?

No, it was me and Chris. What the fuck is Chris? Crutas. Oh, okay. There's his full name. Yeah. Google him. And fucking people were just like screaming at us.

So like, I'm sure for fucking girls. It was the early 2000s. It was big time early 2000s. Yeah, that probably never happened. People were letting them rip, letting them just absolutely fly. Man, people are fucking crazy to think about what was like accepted back then.

I just wanna know what girl ever leaned into it. Nice tits. And she's like, oh, thank you very much. I've been working very hard on school. Yeah, like has it ever worked? I don't know. But you gotta know as you're walking around with big fat boobs, it's gotta be like,

God, I don't wanna be out here anymore. That's like crazy to think about. Like I don't wanna walk around because some dude's gonna be like, yo. I literally know a girl who literally- My dog got, dog called one morning. I was walking my dog and a guy in a white van, bro, I was like legitimately scared for a second.

I was like, yo, this dude's gonna fucking steal my dog. I'm like, fuck me. But he, I was like right here too, not far from my apartment in his frill. I thought it was gonna be a dog napping and a ass pole ripping. But he pulled up in a white van and he was like hanging out.

And he goes, yo. And I was like, no. And then I just look and I'm like, hey. And he goes, gumdoodle. And I was like, yeah. Hot commodity. I was like, yeah. I was like, yeah, gumdoodle.

And then he's like, nice. And I was like, fuck. And he's just standing there. I was like, yeah. So he's like, does he need a mate? Huh? And I was like- Oh, this guy wants to watch dogs, fuck.

That's what it is. He's a breeder? That's gotta be what it is. Yeah, open with that. Hi, I'm a breeder. Yeah. Don't be like, yo, you're a dog trying to fuck? Yo, gumdoodle, huh?

Do you have a puppy? Yeah. But he was like asking me if my dog needs a mate. And I was like, bro, no. Did you ask your dog? No, I didn't. I kind of just made that decision. He's a horny dog.

So he might've been- He's not that horny. He doesn't really fuck them. My dog gets fucking disrespected at the dog parks. Really? I'm like this close to fucking up some dogs. I love dogs and shit. But if you try to fuck my dog,

yo, one time two dogs tried to Eiffel Tower my dog and I was about to lose it. I take that as a sign of respect. You got a good looking, like dogs want to like- But a golden doodle's got some commodity to it. So if I was a dog at a dog park and I saw a golden doodle, I'm gonna shoot my shot. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. Like it's a sign of respect. Dogs do it to like prove dominance. So like if you're the best fucking, most dominant looking dog there and dogs just want to fuck your teeth out and your ears and shit. Yeah, but I think you're the dominant one

is the one not getting fucked. Are we familiar with the animals? But they want to prove dominance. So like in that moment, like I need to fuck that to be better. Oh, to be the, you gotta take out the mob boss. Exactly, you gotta take out, you gotta shoot for the stars.

Yeah, I guess. But there was one time a dog like climbed on the back of my dog and I was like walking over and then another one climbed onto the front and I was like, yo, you're not about to face fuck my dog. Yeah, what kind of dog is the other one? I don't really remember. One of them was just like this like black and white,

like I don't even know like what breed it was. The other one was like a small dog and I was like, if I had to, I would send this one. Small dogs be going to the moon. They're really shoot their shot. They like go to the biggest dog there and you're like, I don't know if you know how physics works. They're like, you can't even reach that asshole.

Right. They like the challenge, man. I mean, but would you rather have all the attention on a dog or have like a Yorkie and people don't even bat an eye on it? I'd rather have a big dog that everyone wants to just nail. Yeah. There's a little dogs like no one like they're cute

but then like when it comes to it, like you need to protect them. You know what I mean? Like if my dog, if I have a little Yorkie or a Chihuahua or something and they start going after a big dog, like I need to stick up for that dog now. You know what I mean?

Like I don't want to do that. I don't want to be put in that situation and have to fight a dog for my dumb dog, you know? Well, they like split up dog parks now. So they have like, if you have a small dog, there's like one area for them and then they have like a regular area. Or if you got a small dog who's just like not afraid

to like get fucked by a big one, you could put them in there but. Damn. Do you feel cooler than the people in the small dog park? Like do you, do you like walk past that and be like scoff, don't even look at me? Yeah. If you got a tiny, I also like,

any dog that you could fit in like your purse and like, come on. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't want a small dog at all. I want something that's going to like just, like the Hummer of Dogs. Something you can leave a valet and they'll just handle it.

Exactly. People see the dog and they're like, this guy's a small dick, you know? Is that the equivalent? It's like a Hummer, you know? There you go. I don't think someone goes, oh my God, that guy's got a big dog.

He's compensating for something. Absolutely. You ever see people that have like the giant like Raw Wilders or pit bulls, they stand and they're fucking leashes a chain, like in between their legs. Some big dogs don't make sense. Like the Greyhound, what are they called?

Whippets? Whippets? I don't think that's what else. That's something else. No, yeah, I'm on a lot of whippets right now. Anyways, my recent search history is snapback beanies. Whippets, you guys want to try them or no?

I'm looking up snapback beanies and whippets. So, no, it's the racing dogs. Bro, it's called a whippet. Dude, you guys are making me feel like a drug dealer. They're actually called whippets. Oh, what the fuck? But they're big dogs. Oh, those dogs like jump like 20 feet in the air.

Yeah, they're big dogs, but also like, nobody's going to see that dog and be like, he's packing heat. Not the dog, the owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even like a fucking, like a great dame. Those are like basically very, like seven foot skinny men walking around.

Oh, I'm talking more like the St. Bernard's or Mastiff's or Rottweiler's. Yeah, Mastiff's. What was that movie with the St. Bernard's? Beethoven. Bang, a big ass dog. It's a crazy name for a dog, to be honest. Oh, that's a good one.

Beethoven? I heard those dogs were like eight years though, but just like around the time, like I think it takes like four years to like really love their dog. Doesn't that make sense? Cause like Hummers get eight miles to the gallon. Does that not equate?

The bigger your dog is, the less time it has. I think so. But pugs are sad. I mean, like I have friends with pugs and they have to like give you a warning before you meet it. You know how you're like, oh, he's tame. Pugs are just like, he has a lazy eye. His breathing sounds like a Suzuki

that's loading in a parking lot. That's exactly what it is. And his tongue's out. He's not having a stroke. That means he likes you. It's like, I don't want to have a dog where I have to preempt it. And I know there's people listening to have pugs

and I'm in like, but nobody loves a dog more than a pug owner, I think. Probably because they're dogs. It's like sympathy though. It's like they love it because it needs it. It's a walking Sarah McLaughlin commercial. You're like, I need to love this thing. Or it's also at least like a trophy.

It's like, look, I adopted this fucking dog that's like mostly broken. And it's like, good for you. Oh my God, so much respect. Which is like, it's crazy. You know, some people don't even want to have children anymore because of global warming. They're like, oh, it's going to be dead

in like 20 years or something. But people are still adopting like pugs. Like bro, these dogs like are born with sleep apnea and they could like, and their heart is, their heart rate's 130, like forever. Don't they say like their nose is inside out or something, like their face is inside out and they can't fucking breathe properly.

What happened to evolution? Like along the way, things are supposed to get better. Like, have you seen, like, I remember I recently saw that it was like, oh, this was a pug in like 1920. And it looked just like a different dog. It was a completely different dog. And we like bred it to the point where it basically can't live on its own.

It's like a walking issue. It's too much for me. Yeah, this girl I'm really cool with, she has a dog, a pug. And it, like, when sometimes she leaves a room, the dog with a jump on her couch and it never makes it. And I can't laugh, but oh my God. It's like one of those laughs, but you also help.

You're like, oh, fuck, I got you. Yeah, it's like, oh God, I feel bad. Just certain like, braids and also like people, and I don't know why these are so expensive, but like the hairless cats. Yeah, that's a personality. I think they're cool. I have to admit, I wouldn't get one.

I like cats, I like cats. I wouldn't get one, but I do. I like cats. I do think they're pretty cool. I will say, I have a kitten right now, and he sheds a lot, so I see the thing behind it, yeah. Do I? Oh, by the way, cats, I feel nothing for cats.

Oh, I love cats. Like zero. Like I can see a cat and be like, oh, he's cute. I'm also allergic, but that's not the point. I just don't like how they're just like, they're so pissy. Dude, not mine. He's like a little puppy.

I like come, like I open the door and it runs to me. He literally plays fetch. I'll throw something and it'll bring it back to me. Yeah, it's how you treat them. Yeah, if you treat this thing, you don't like it. Like it's gonna fucking hate you too. I feel like I'm being judged. Like whenever I would go to Impey's house,

they would just like hide around, and I'd be like getting something out of the fridge, and then it'd be on top of the fridge, looking at me like, oh, you're gonna drink that? And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, there's some good and bad cats, but it's like, when they're good, they're great, but my parents have two cats.

One of them's really nice, and one of them's what you're talking about, just insane. Dude, I had a cat growing up, and I had to dream the other night. Uh-oh. Okay, different dream. Not a gay cat. Me and a gay cat.

I had to dream that a cat jumped at my face, and I went like this. Bro, cats can get you out at once. That's how you defended yourself? Like that. That's a little, just like an old-timey Irishman. Yeah, like, yeah, the Notre Dame mascot. Come here, team.

Literally like that. Scared the fuck out of me. No, they can get, the cats will get ya. My, remember my cat growing up? She fucking clawed my forearms once, and I like legit thought I was gonna die. I was like, this is it. Don't fuck me up.

I usually have cuts and scars from old boy, but yeah. His old cat used to, his grandmother used to live in their house, and the cat would use the grandmother's legs as a scratching post. Yeah, it was fucked. I told the story quite a bit, but my grandmother had really poor circulation in her legs.

Very poor. So she couldn't tell that her legs were getting just clawed to shreds. Oh my God. Below the poverty line legs, and she was, and they were scratching them up. And like. She had no idea.

No clue. She didn't have to constantly go to like get her legs checked out. Oh my God. I mean, you should just put, I mean. Her legs looked like olive loaf. They were poor. They were poor in peroxide all over that woman, it was crazy.

Yeah. Oh no. But, hey. Yeah, that's not great. Well, they're both gone now, so. Thank you. Fuck. There's not really a peaceful way to get out of that story.

Like fire some new legs. I just wanted to wrap that up with a bow, and just kind of like. That's why I appreciate that. Yeah. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's no problem. My cat went, it was sad, we had to put her down.

But, you know, you lose the good ones, I guess. Only the good die young, as they say. How old was your cat? Nine, I think? 10? No, nine. How old do cats get? Cats can be like 14.

That's a lot. Yeah, they might top out at 14. But yeah, they'll give you a solid eight to 10, no problem. Or like people who get like turtles. Like turtles live like, are they out living? Dude, people don't get turtles. They just get gifted a turtle. Like, hey, my dad had this, and then he passed away.

Now this is your turtle, and now this is your turtle. Yo, gifting animals is fucking crazy. Yeah. Yeah, that's like gifting cars. That is like a child. That is a whole conversation that needs to happen. But do you think about how many people got dogs during the pandemic, and then now the world's open?

And they're like, well, I want to go get hammered on Saturday. So like, I have to go to work now? Yeah. What the fuck's going on? What up, right? Yeah, it's fucking, it's crazy. Yeah, I don't understand. Can you imagine getting a fucking turtle?

One of my friends, Greg, His name's Greg. He tried to gift his brother a cat, and like was running around the city, like trying to get the specific cat. He's like, oh, it's so cute. The whole time I'm telling him like, dude, this isn't a good idea.

Like, this is not how people get pets. No, no, no. And then he gave- Do you want to connect with that first? Yeah, or like, at least warn someone like, hey, I'm about to sign you up to fucking 12 years minimum of responsibility here. And turtles are one of those animals that like, whatever-

No, this was a cat. It wasn't a turtle. It's like turtles in particular. It's like, whatever they're living in, they'll grow to. So like, if you just like, let them have this room, they'll become the size of a fucking dog, you know? And then it becomes like an issue and shit like that. Is that true?

Yeah, my brother- What does a turtle eat? What is it? Midas, carrots, bugs. Bugs, maybe. I don't know if it's catching bugs. I don't know if it's catching them, but- But my brother had a turtle that they just had to give away

because it became too, like it became too big. They couldn't fucking keep it anymore. And like, they got it. I swear to God, they got it. And it was the size of like a half dollar. And then they had to give it away. And it was like this fucking big. Those things grow, man.

It's such a weird- Yeah, they're not fun. They're like head of turtles. And they shady smell like fucking shit. I can see that. They just smell like piss and shit. They're like slimy, slimy things. They're not really slimy though.

They're kind of dry. I picture like desert tortoises. Those are the ones that is chill in the backyard. Oh yeah. What are their thoughts like every day? Just fuck, just kill me please. If I'm in like sloths, like any animal that moves really slow,

I feel like they're not having a good time. Does their brain think slow? It's got to. Automatically, what if it was really fast? Sloths were like, fuck. Does anything kill sloths? Well, sloths, yeah, they have plenty of predators. Like tree branches, you know?

That's why they have the sharp ass fucking claws. They like use those to like fight off predators. Also, this is a dumb question, but sloths have to have sex to make more sloths. How do they fuck? I think it's just like slow. Just like a good pump, like RMB type fuck. Just like, they don't need much.

They're making love. Yeah. Like by the time it gets down, you know, like the other sloth, the other sloth is down. I just imagine a sloth like ghosting another girl and he's like, fuck you bitch. And then the slowest walk away average,

like I can see you still. Also, like, you know, there's a lot of animals that you just assume, like you can't really picture fucking. Probably because. I think all animals, I'm like goldfish. Well, yes, they definitely do. Y'all just be clapping it up? I don't know if they fuck as much

as it's just like they shoot the sperm across at each other. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, like Spider-Man? Yeah. I saw, I remember in Jackass, they had fish come and like they were just like, it just shoots out and then like the girlfish like swims by and like just like opens up like,

opens her shit and just takes it. But you know how you get hit with a baseball? Yeah. You think goldfish get hit with a load? Steven. What the fuck? Well, I'm wondering like, you know how they say like it's lots of like slowly poop for like a day.

I did not know this it why do you know what people be saying they like they like descend the I saw this thing I might be wrong but I don't care I'm gonna say it like I'm right they like they send the tree once a week to poop and then they go right back up and it like slowly comes out of them do you think it's like that for like come wait wait wait we can full circle babe right back one second they are climbing the tree as they're shitting no they're climbing down they come down off the tree like once a week to poop and they go back up lots move so slow that they have like moss in their hair or fur whatever it is they have

moss yeah like moss where are they bro they're I don't even think they know they're intrigued that's gotta be the easiest animal to capture for the zoo all the other animals like our fuck you I'm a tiger get out of here leave me alone so I was like please they're in a car they're like am I time traveling right now like we're literally just gonna walk around you and take you up by that yeah but imagine a sloth being in a car they're doing like 25 miles per hour the guy's like is this a test apparently they move so slow that like they're fucking like moss grows on them and shit like that and then like they

poop like once a week because they just it's so slow like do you think it's how they come like it's just like super just like just like once a week this coming out alright guys get a get a sloth on the podcast yeah how do you shit how much how much do you think it is to get a sloth not a not nearly as much I've looked up getting a camel before it's only like 1200 bucks really there's some animals that are exotic as fuck for very cheap I would love to get a camp not you're not like you can't just like get it like have it but you get it you rent it for the day it's like 1200 bucks and for the day that's right yeah no it's

like you could rent a Lambo for that much but you could also ride a fucking camel baby okay who's getting more looks a guy in a Lambo and a guy in a camel dude can you imagine just walking on the street like this kind of fucking camel right now the fuck is this guy doing I'm trying to look up but getting a sloth right now because it might feel a lot easier sucks that we live in New York City because there's no like there's probably it's probably very limited what you could we probably get like birds and shit but I don't really bird birds aren't that cool they're not cool at all not fuck birds they're flying rats I hit them

all I would like no I would like to see like a fucking eagle or some shit something like it like eat like you would but then you like see an eagle up close and you're like you're a crazy person bro eagles are I've seen eagles fairly like not like super close like this but like I've seen eagles fly by they're fucking terrifying because they're just like yeah they're fierce fucking at like fucking that's why the American bird the at like footballs and games games and shit where they have like a bird that's like flies around the crowd the sky just like on the 50 yard line yeah dude nobody loves to talk about birds more than those guys I

saw a guy one of those recently he was just doing a seminar in front of us a hotel and he had a falcon he had a falcon in front of a hotel but it was a part of like that on the house the hotels itineraries were resort and they're like oh the falcon guys that noon like prime spot perfect we can make it after I remember like he had a full-ass crowd you had a falcon right here and he's like the way he's taught he's like talking a third person like she would be flying right now but she had a long night I'm like what does that mean she got hammered last night got fucking nailed what's going on

like she's in Atlanta what are you talking about Falcons comedy anyways nailed yeah I don't know but this yeah they hold him like this I would now on it and they have to wear that giant ass fucking glove dude their claws are sharp fucking take your arm off bro I see by me in Jersey I see fucking crazy birds do the other day sorry I just got really excited thank you for saying this better be a flamingo or something no a fucking vulture was like four feet above my head wow I'm walking around our neighborhood maybe you smelled dead no dude I'm walking around our neighborhood and I see something in the tree and I'm like what

the fuck is that and it's a dead squirrel like over a branch you know just like link and I'm like what the fuck and then I look above that like four branches up and there's a vulture just fucking hands and pockets I assume that's how they stand or like behind them just like yeah yeah just fucking did you wait around I would have definitely waited around I took a picture of it because I was so impressed but like yeah dude don't vultures are fucking they have like six foot wingspans and shit like that like just in Jersey just in Jersey that's just living the dream down there did you wait no I was with my

daughter I was afraid they were gonna fucking take her that would have been cool yo there was a video I saw one time I like no it would have been cool it would have been cool cool story cool story bad like if it it would get a lot of clink clicks on the go fund me like lost my daughter to a falcon bingo yeah yeah you probably raised a good amount the dingo ate the baby was in a textbook and she got some money I'm pretty sure yeah the IP you only IP and you're brand I saw a video of like a like a little girl like running in a field and like the mom was like filming or whatever and then a fucking hawk comes

down just like ran by the hood oh yeah and like picks her up a little bit and she got like two feet off the ground and just let her go the bird is like oh shit hold on this is not a mouse this is the heaviest pigeon ever yeah that would be fucking I would have like vultures I don't think you have to worry about cuz they only eat like things that are like super dead but like the birds that like they pick up like small deer like hawks and shit like that don't say what yeah they can pick up deer yeah snakes get grabbed a lot too but they're so perfect to grab they just connect with yeah and then there's like

I asked for then you got to just let them have them well I kind of got a dip on time yeah how long do you record no we're good no we got to grab another right now two and a half hours at least we're wrapping up right now bring the Vulcan in right now yeah the volt the vulture in right now Vulcan that's what am I talking about live long and prosper the Vulcan so yeah where can they find you what you're man Trevor Wallace on all that listen to stiff socks you want man but yeah just be making YouTube videos you know yeah we out here making videos and just doing a podcast and I do stand-up I'm gonna be in Jersey

gonna be a new Brunswick hey oh November 4th through the 6th baby let's do brunny yeah but I got a bunch of story it's coming up if you want to check that out Trevor Walls comedy dot com Trevor Walls comedy dot com Frank you want to plug your shit yeah I'm not doing stand-up I'm not that I'm not funny but F offers 8085 on Twitter the Frank Albers on Instagram and then check out the patreon patreon.com slash the basement yard yeah and you guys can follow the show at the basement yard on tiktok and Instagram and the patreon patreon.com slash the basement yard and we will see you guys next time hell yeah