The Basement Yard - #321 - The Sex Therapy Session

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

Frank & Joe answer YOUR sex questions becuase they are the most qualified sex therapists in the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard Frank. How's it going? Indubitably What does that mean? I don't know. It's a good word though. It's a good word We got D's and B's that close to each other reminds me of boobies. Oh, yeah, but you know, but a boobie Yeah, if you see if you just go dibbity dibbity dibbity dibbity, do you think of boobs? I think of boobs you think it tits or I think of like a fat cartoon running or just like, you know running But not going anywhere or it's just like them doing like on a on a bag. Yeah. Yeah. Dibbity dibbity dibbity So you're probably wondering why we're dressed like women

man, I feel like a woman Let's go girls Damn electric Not wearing a skirt right now. No, I'm not I'm sweat shorts, dude By the way hot in this wig dog very hot. Do people with long hair have to deal with the heat I can confirm that we do and oh, yeah hats fit us differently Can you hear me? I don't know if it's just because of the I can hear you babe Okay, all right. I don't know if it's because you know, what's the jacket situation?

What's that about just making me feel more sophisticated because I'm a therapist today. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna drop it. It's not work Yeah, no, it's not it's too much work Don't mind on it stupid wives. Oh my god. What an idiot spit on a pee on it. I'm falling apart. What's going on over there, buddy Guys today, we're gonna be sex therapists So we thought we would try to look the part because I feel like a sex therapist It's like really smart and like wise and has a hot Like if like I'm right now minus the facial hair. I think the hair helps me look good I feel like I look like Ooma Thurman you a

1000% look like Ooma Thurman and look at this. Look at this. Wow. How about that? Wow? You like that? I like it. It's just natural curls like I don't like a natural. It's like a natural wave You look like Ooma Thurman and Liz Lemon. Well, why did I use her show name? I've been watching a lot of 30 Rock Tina Fey had a kid I look like Tina Fey if you I mean maybe the glasses you want to put my glasses on sure. Yeah Oh Yeah, oh yeah, dude. I'm over it. Okay. I look like Fred Armisen in the wig You don't think so

Whatever How are you welcome back? Oh, yeah, no, it's hot as fuck in here. Welcome back in Patriard Wait page. No, it's not fuck. Oh, but go check out the patreon patreon.com slash base man You get every episode a week in advance and you also get an extra episode every single fucking week. Go do it now, bitch Also every December actually we give away the patreon money for a good cause we usually do We build these wells and Kenya through this company called the water project So if you're joining in December You know, that's where your money's going

So if you haven't joined ever and you want to do some charitable for the holiday season You can do that and you guys will get some content out of it gift Good gift for the holiday season whether it be the eight days of Halloween or it'd be you know Christmas or Kwanza Yeah, whatever you celebrate, right, you know, it's a nice gift to give to someone like hey If you're a friend of the basement yard be a patron and your money's going to something good. What's Hanukkah? Christmas time you're a wrong person. I feel like it changes every year like the moon The moon, I don't think they go by like dates I think they're just like like whoever's like the head of like the the head rabbi is just like

It's gonna be a couple weeks earlier this year. They got a pulp or something. They have to they have like a like a holy Jewish man Yeah, just like he has like the most like ball or synagogue. Yeah, and he just sits there and he's just like Synagogue that's another good word. It's a great word synagogue. That's a good word Let me ask you a question. Go ahead. Let me ask you a question Nothing in these by the way, but they're they're great aesthetically. Yeah, they are. Let me ask you a question You think the moon's real I Kind of wish it wasn't what do you think it is remember when people said it was cheese that's bullshit not cheese It's just it's just dust that we haven't touched enough to like just get it out of there

You know what I mean? Like, you know when there's like a dust ball like on like your ceiling You think the moon is a dust ball. There's a dust ball Then what wouldn't that make I think I think the moon is what was the Grand Canyon that just like Float it up and just bro. Float it up. That's either really smarter. Whoa dumb Really, I would say mm-hmm. Probably a little bit both could be you know, I don't tend to Really, you know talk or think much about space because it freaks me out me too I got a bit of an existential crisis I feel so small tiny man think about it

Yeah, you think if you've never felt small just think about how small you are in comparison to the world and then the universe Yeah, you're all fucked up Yeah, if you think you have a small dick forget about a small dick Oh, you're already too tiny and then now this that's why we got to worry about aliens. We don't care about if they're gonna come kill us We're worried about they're just gonna come which is massive fucking ping-pong. Yeah, honestly if they got big alien wangs I'm gonna be pissed. How angry would you be an extra terrestrial pang? Damn, and it's gonna be cool. You know that you're gonna shoot goo. Oh, like green muck

Yeah, that's not that's not the way I want to not but it would be dope It'd be like cool green like a lime green. Yeah, like close in the dark. Yes, dude Yeah, now we're talking like those stars we used to put on our ceiling as kids. Holy shit You're blowing my mind right now forgot about those stars better stars Yeah, I used to fuck up my ceiling with those bad boys. Yeah, I'll try to take them off and I'll send the paint rip My dad would hit me Okay, yes, lady quick. It's okay. I had therapy this morning. All right. We didn't bring that up But I don't know what I'm talking about next week. Well

Speaking of we're here to therapize We're therapizing today for people for you know, sex related things sex related things So I know when we posted it on the what's your definition of sex? I would say a consensual Act between two consenting adults. Yeah, but that could be basketball in Well, let me agree to play basketball elaborate. Oh, there's got to be some form of penetration some some anal vaginal mouthful and There's got to be a lot of fluids and if there's not natural fluid if there's not natural fluids It could be you know, Lou it could be

Or a spit it could be you know coming from a bottle. We love we don't judge. Well, hold on. I have some people blood Yeah, I that I don't consider it's slick. Oh, yeah, it is but listen I'm not fucking around with blood either. But if you put blood on a butt probably slatter it in that thing. Well Yeah, this thing changes me to a different person. This is life changing Now imagine if we put something in it, we need weed Joe back. Oh my god. We Joe with some weed in here. Where did he go? Charlie your idiot dog is chewing on the cord Charlie. Don't do that. It's okay. We'll just leave it We're missing a light now. Fuck. We don't like here. I'll climb under you talk. Just go. Okay, let's go. I'm getting down It's scary Charlie. What are you doing? Give me the ball. He's got a ball

Charlie come here, but me come here. Give me this, you know, it's not time to play. It's not cake play time It's not on babe. Really now. It's on. Okay. Yeah Charlie stop You know what? I'm staring your dog in the fucking small intestine. What do you think? It'll close you're in there You got to feed him better. Yeah Okay, we're back. We're back. What were we talking about? So on the basement yard Instagram

Just go check out the basement yard on Instagram pretty self-explanatory you fucking dweebs. Sorry On the basement yard Instagram we posted We had a post asking for you guys to send in your sex advice needs Yeah, like you wanted some advice on some sexual stuff We said it would be on the patreon But we thought it was so good that we'd put it on here for you. We've got a lot of good questions Should I go like sexy Kim Cattrell Samantha from Sex in the City or should I go like with like a German psychiatrist like Sigmund Freud who's trying to figure everything out. I

Don't know what do you think it's more natural? Not that. All right. All right. So I'll just be a whore We're gonna do and I'm gonna try and not use words like penis vagina And like come yeah, well, they don't gonna those supplement them. They don't use those in sex therapy Yeah, we're gonna make it more fun. So I'm gonna come up with They just talk about you know a man's penis will refer to it as you know as horcrux and the girl's vagina is her monarch Her monarch. Yeah, I heard that somewhere. I can't remember where okay I'm not gonna do that. I just realized that's gonna be so much work and I can't I'm not that creative

Oh, it's all right Is that your voice that you're doing? Well, you said you didn't want German so I'm going all right anyway Let's get to the first question here first question I almost not licking my girl's asshole slash of edge, but I can't come from a beer from a beach. Sorry From a be this always got real interesting it auto corrected to beer, so I just read beer, okay, but he wrote beach Oh, okay But he can't come from a from a beach and then he wrote what's wrong with me Well, I was really hoping you were gonna be coming from a beer. Yeah

Dude, I'm a I love beer never got even close to coming from there There are a few things on this planet. I wish could make me come beer pretty high up there I'll tell you what if beer made you come I'd be about 10 billion nuts in I wouldn't be this fat Pretty sure that's how that happened. We come you lose weight. I think so you lose a little bit anything leaves your body You lose a little bit of weight, right? I might do if you're chasing nuts thinking of light. We start a diet plan That's just about just getting rid of like wake up eat a banana jerk off. Yeah

So I think this is normal. I think he's he's he's a he's a giver clearly, you know He's like I like I get off by was it sucking her butt or something. Yeah, he's sucking butts Yeah, licking licking butts and you know look licking the bags, you know what I mean the front bag back bag You know I'm saying the trunk that's right hood. He's licking the trunk in the hood and he's really enjoying that That's good because listen. That's a good time people when they enjoy it That's enjoyable for people. Do you know what I mean would put it like this making sure you're having a good time That means I'm having to put it like this It's like people around the holidays were approached the holiday season

Would you rather give a gift or get a gift and the fact of the matter is that most Americans nowadays would rather give consider yourself? One of the lucky few I would rather give the gift of Yeah, well, no, he's not giving puss. Well, no push that's that's orgasm sound What that's when a girl orgasms. It's not like you know like boys like squirt Girls, it's just like inside like they're I Thought you were saying that's the noise that women make no no If they do you got a we got another problem on our hand. Yeah, you might be fucking a balloon

Yeah, what's going on? All right, I don't think you have anything wrong here. It's not wrong of you A lot of people can't come from but judges. You know what I mean? from pajamas, yeah, a lot of people can't I Mean I can but All right, we learned something about Joey. Oh, I'm a little shocker. All right, here we go moving on I'm feeling therapeutic. Well, I don't know if that's that I don't think that's it. Hope you guys are feeling. Yeah, they're biased How do you tell your boyfriend that sex with him hurts more than it feels good?

That's a really great question. It's a good question And who better to answer that than to straight men and we wait men who've never had anything in their ass Except for a medically thing. Yeah, I was gonna say one of us You know, I think sex needs to be an open conversation You need to be very clear with what you do and don't enjoy dude. It's probably got a fucking massive hangout You're on fire. It's just got a soul on me. Oh, yeah, this guy's running around with just fucking great a copy coal It's crazy, man. Uh, yeah, I mean first of all good for him. Yeah, I mean, yeah

Wait as they put it they mentioned it's going in butts No, no butts in this it was it was just like just sex with him hurts more than it feels good All right, so we don't know if this is a man or a woman. We also don't know. Maybe he's got a big old Flabby pieces stuff down there. It could be also like just sharp. Yeah, or he's just like, you know how like some dudes are like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, like he's moving more You know, he's he's going east and west instead of going north and south Okay, I think that's the problem First of all high five this man. How do you tell him though? How do you tell him?

Well, here's the is it because it's too big or is it because it's just like he's bad with it I mean, there's there could be a combination if he's got a big old pang That's what I tell myself every day and he sucks with it. It ain't ain't the fucking size of the boat It's the motion of the ocean Every morning tell myself. Yeah in the mirror 20 times 20 Just be honest. Yeah, you know, you kind of like you kind of fucking on my shit. Oh down there. You know I'm saying Yeah, yeah, yeah, turn it into just just you know, just like a bowl of spaghettios You can like be nice about it too because maybe it isn't his his hang

It's it's just like he's just weird. So you're just you got to be like, yo Chill out like you just gotta be honest like I'm gonna ask about you. Listen, you hurt my shit I don't see the best policy in every, you know way and definitely here or if you really want to scare him Just start screaming. Oh I mean, I don't scream. Oh, I don't suggest that at all. I mean, it definitely would scare somebody I would say, you know, like if like the first time you say it it doesn't get better than like, you know It's like, you know, you know, you tell a kid like, oh, stop stop stop And then the only listen when you destroy you want to destroy their fucking toys, you know what I mean, okay?

Start screaming as they're bringing you to Pound Town to start, you know screaming and like that'll get the point across All right, so yeah, if you just tell him, you know, I'm saying like be honest with him I'm sure he won't mind. Also if you want to make it playful of being like, I think you're fucking Yeah, it was my bungee So maybe if you tell him that then he'll be like, oh, okay, but then he'll also like All right, you suck my fucking balls again, you know, yeah, all right, cool. Yeah, you don't want to and like Yeah, or this could be a guy and you could just what you don't want to do is go. Hey, oh stop Yeah, and just like but I mean definitely like if you know

I love that we put this out and people are like sending in like legitimate questions Do there is legitimate questions like how do I tell my friend that I like them and it's like we want the cool I'm wearing a wig. Yeah Okay, next question At what point do toys cross the line and how do I know I'm kinky? So I would say toys cross the line when you know, maybe you got a like if you got to put like a 9v battery in it Whoa, which that's the kind of battery you put in like smoke alarms Yeah, if you got to put one of those in there, you might want to dial it down

If this thing could short circuit and put you in the hospital Don't do it. Yeah, you know if you Hypothetically if you were taking a bath and someone threw this toy into it and you died from electrocution too far Yeah, too much electricity. Yeah, not fun. Yeah, um, you know vibrate is not gonna kill nobody gonna kill anybody unless it's sharp like this You know, oh, yeah, there you guys on it. It's like a ninja star dildo. I would say I Keep sucking on this by the way Yeah, I would say yeah if

The toys are trying to take over for other things like if you're like, oh like let me instead of using my tongue Let me use this fucking big old flapper wet wabbit Then then chill out when the toys are taking over for the actual they have to be supplemental. Yes. Thank you Yeah, you know if the toys are you like you don't get a meal of french fries It's a side piece. Yeah, you get a steak with steak fries. Yeah, if you just get french fries It's starting to become an unhealthy part of your diet And also you could get even a side of loaded fries like that's even cooler But yo, this is dope, but what you're not gonna do never is you're not gonna get a steak

With a side of ham or some shit. Yeah, I'm saying you can't just like don't fucking maintenance. Don't want it exactly It's also you got like alien dildos and shit. I feel like that's a little heavy Like they have like a Shrek dick. They have the avatar one remember the one that we saw it looked like you know It literally just looks like a big melted candle. Oh man It was literally fat like earwax built up for fucking 800 years in a giant Yeah, and then they pulled that out and sold it to people. I was shoving their shit I I wouldn't put it in me even if I wanted to put something in me, right? I get the appeal though. Well, if I was the type of person that was you know

Just slamming fucking the knobby. Yeah, I was trying to pick up pencils with my fucking back door Then I would definitely do one of those I would definitely do one of those pencils. Yeah, like, you know, I'm just suck something in there I will say though if you're if I'm gonna put anything in me. I'd like it to be blue It's good color to stick in you Not green tell you that yeah green because it gets all mixed up. Yeah, you don't know what's coming out And then even answer that So What yeah, no we did and then how do I know I'm kinky? I mean, I think kinky is subjective

It is, you know, everyone's everyone's kinky for something. Yeah, I'm kinky for crying Yeah, always kinky for just completely degrading me, right, you know people got different kinks exactly mine yours run away with it Yeah, just or chill with it Run away run away run away if you want to survive Don't don't I don't even know the beat Hard though we fucked that up. Yeah, I hope that dude who makes all those things like starts clipping these and making song Oh my god, why haven't we done music videos yet? I don't know bro. I think we can crush anyway I'm gonna can't let it fly. Go nuts. Yeah, let it fly. Let's fuck your feet suck a suck a suck a suck anything

That you can put your mouth on suck if while they're sucking you you get down there and help them suck Yourself suck suck to suck. There you go Someone's got to suck it up. I gotta next one just says I come fast Now I don't think he's asking for advice He's just kind of saying no, it could be a woman But I believe man Well, I mean, I think percentages will show us this is probably a man wrong You know the rooters pole that recently came out showed us that men come quicker than women

Yes, because men it's easier to satisfy Is that a is that a factual it is now? Oh, you said I just said it now and it is. Oh good Do you have a problem with it? I mean, I'll back you up. Show me the evidence that I'm wrong Guys good can't the guys good can't baby the therapist get me on here But yeah, you come fast, too, we've all been there dude We've all been there where it's like home. I just got here if you would have asked 2009 therapist Frankie he would have told you to eat a banana and a pack of twizzlers If you're asking me now nothing you can do wait. I remember you saying something about twizzlers

Oh, yeah, wait, and you thought that would make me last longer. Why bananas? I don't know So you also made that up and I didn't make it up. I was told it and 1000 I thought it was like all pineapples make you shit sweet Which is that true? I don't I think I do think it has something to do with what you consume. Yeah, because I remember like I Heard stories of people like oh, I went out drinking one night in the next day The girl like blew me and she was like did you drink last night? Because it was like sour and what the fuck this girl's like a fucking so she's like the Gordon Ramsay have come sucking That's umami

Bitches a come so yeah, I taste wet wood. Yeah hair. It's got earthy tones in the front. Yeah, it's very bitter Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know a dick fucking Sommelier Become a good pussy eater or but eater or cocksucker if you come to fast Violet the way that you say cocksuckers crazy whatever you're into just become very good at it So then when it's your turn you can just be done bang bang All right, this one says we're good at this. I yeah, we're honestly on fire

Actually, that was good advice with what the fuck did you just do? We do we do we do I know that I'm getting a call dude Yeah, I might get a few calls yeah, this next one Just says I have a tiny penis any advice. Oh Do get her bigger penis. Is this the person that comes fast? No different. I gotta imagine it You come smaller dicks got to come quicker. It's less fucking travel distance. I'll say this people like I truly think That the dicks are like fashion in that eventually it's gonna come around Eventually, I feel like dicks small dicks are eventually gonna be like superior. Oh, yeah

They're gonna be like, yo, man little dicks are running the globe and shit It's like how like the medieval times people like wanted to be fat fox because they had all them food Yeah, cuz they were like oh and like yeah, if you're skinny, you've got you're a fucking peasant What do they call them serfs horse? Oh? Sluts and I don't know if they said that or like just disgusting for a serf your pipsurf I think that's what they call them didn't they might be easy. It sounds like a medieval like serf. Yeah racist word um it might be Accidentally, yeah

You know it might be like that. We're like in like 50 years We look back and we're like yo like all that fucking meat you were walking around with is that completely just you less aerodynamic And listen, there's a market for the small wings because there's there's girls I've seen videos of girls being like oh, yo, I would love like a three to five Good for you. Oh any less than three kill yourself I'm kidding I Knew you were gonna do that too, okay

This is the we'll do this one and then we'll do the yeah, oh now How do you tell a guy you're almost 30 and still a virgin? Oh, that's a really good question Well, it depends on unbanged bag boy, yeah, we're in trouble and unbanged bag. Um, all right, how it you're almost 30 and have you know, if you don't feel comfortable outright How would you feel if someone came up to you was like, oh by the way, it's really not like I'm a virgin I mean to their face. I'd be so supportive No, what would you say though? Like if you were on a date with a girl and she was like, yo, I'm verged out. I'd be like

Do you want to elaborate on why yes? Waiting for someone. Are you waiting for marriage? Yeah, like you like, you know, you're like really nervous Fred penis not big fan Yeah, I guess I'd get the important questions out of the way. Maybe like are you a Sagittal? Yeah, there are people that are like, you know, like I don't want to fuck anything But the roller coaster at fucking during Dornie Park. Yeah, it's like you need to figure that out first It's a good roller coaster. It's a pretty good roller coaster, but I would say closer would you fuck if you were into roller coasters? Oh Boo boo boo boo boo boo boo El Toro at Six Flags is a time dude El Toro if it wasn't like like a person Cowboy or like I would just be just I think it'd be like just a handsome man

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, or the fucking like there used to be one at Sesame Place. It was like the Grover Yeah, I'll back up. Oh, you want to get out of there? No kids and says on Sesame Street. You want to bang Sesame Street? Well, you know say your version if you don't want to say it wear graphic tees at the age of 30 I have a toy collection Now you're just describing yourself. I know exactly what I'm doing Recently like did a Podcast and the person saw my background and after the podcast is over. This is how I know they really what's your background? Where I do like it's all like my collection of toys. Oh, oh that I thought like on your phone or something

No, and I knew they really meant it because they didn't say it on the show as a joke. They said afterward They're like dude, how does anyone had sex with you? Whoa Damn flame dude. Yeah, so that's beautiful. Yo, um, but I don't think that people really care about being a version Especially at 30. I think people only care about that when you're like fucking 17 Yeah, I don't I think it's 30. It's more like admirable. Yeah, it's like all right cool Like whatever but like does that mean that we're never going to you know get I mean, you know It's a thing for people because personally if I were to you know

Get a divorce and get into a relationship with someone right now and they said like oh, I'm waiting till marriage. I'd be like Not for me. I live in sin. I like a marital all the way, babe Marital hand stuff tongue stuff feet stuff. Yeah Anything any anything is could be potential stuff And and and you need to know yeah, you know if someone's like I'm waiting for marriage and you're like oh I don't think I'm gonna marry you don't don't string them along don't string yourself along Yeah, I like that you like to live in sin. I also like to dab boy do I like to dabble in sin as well I I mean I came out the gate original sin and I was like I might as well just fucking stay here word

I mean, yeah, everyone gets that one bro. Everyone gets that original Jesus like yo that og sin hits hard I love you so much, but you already fucked up. Yeah, like bro. Yeah, damn you already fucked you come out It's like yo, you got the og sin the sweetest babe with the golden hair and supple lips Sinner you suck fucking sinning. I fucking died for you bitch. Yeah It's kind of like yo back in the day on my space you make a myspace account. You Tom is your friend, bro Big guy big friend big guy. So you you already have something when you come into this shit Yeah, and it's sin, baby, and you can choose to either like You know act good do whatever or you could

You could just you know cannonball and that shit. I'd rather dying with the sinners You know, what is it laugh with the sinners than dying with the saints as what Billy Billy says I thought it was die with the saints till right now laugh with the sinners than dying with the saints Yeah, sinners are much more fun. Right that whole song is about You know what that song is about it's about him trying to entice religious girl to fuck him Sinners. Oh, yeah, say hey little Virginia. Don't let me wait Somebody they're trying to get some fucking pool by the world. I'm much too late. Yeah, that's a good song though All right, let's get to one of these ads. Yeah, that's a better. That's a better place to transition

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Okay, it's a really cool gift. Go get it for your mommy. You did All right, Frankie you want to go back to the sins I Think to the sins. I think we need to continue to to discuss to get to the sins this one Is a little more involved three internal hemorrhoids banded But bet I Don't know what this means three internal hemorrhoids banded during anal. I'm 33. I like butt stuff sometimes should I stop? Basically I think this person's butt is in a jam Because it's got a bunch of hemorrhoids, but they like butt stuff

It probably looks like a jar of strawberry jam in there, too. Maybe I'm in a hemorrhoids are right It's like a it's like a it's like a like a muscle No, I don't know bro like a vein a vein that like hangs like like comes out. It's like you. Yeah, yeah You good. Oh But it hurts a lot more than it hurts. I've never given you ever have a hemorrhoid. I thought I did And it turned out I had a softball the size Yeah, a softball in your asshole infection in my ass. Yeah I've never had a hemi. I take mad relaxed shit. I've heard people that have hemi's and apparently it's it's more

Uncomfortable than anything, but there could be ones that are just like unbearable I don't know man. I know some people that they have like an unbearable They get a little Henrietta back there and they can't sit down for days. Oh, they're fucking they could be painful I think listen if you got one or two or three You know first, you know like listen up Chad Johnson springs his ankle. We're not putting them on the field next game Oh, give him a day a week or two or something I will say if it's the World Series we might pitch him. Oh, well if this is a World Series of butt fucking Yeah, you're you're in if it's like your dream, but you're getting three or four pumps minimum

Yeah, I would say like take some time off go on the IR for a couple weeks Mm-hmm, and then you know I'm saying once once you're wouldn't you feel like you've reached a good spot? Cuz you're never gonna be at a hundred percent ever again, so let's put like in terms of sports What would you say is like the championship of relationships? The fucking birthdays or anniversaries well, I wasn't talking about this is what this is what I mean, bro Okay, if you're having sex with your partner and you guys like to butt stuff sometimes cool But the Super Bowl would be like if fucking Hugh Jackman walked in the room and was like yo

I'm trying to fucking slam a butt slam a butt and you're like but I got hemorrhoids like should I do it or no? At that point you ride it to the wheels come off. I'm saying you got three getting two more ain't gonna hurt too bad You know it won't be fun But listen it's all about that w at the end of the day and listen and if you want a wet Butt and you want to just just get go for the the big ol C in the sky. Yeah, they come championship Just do it. Yeah, but if you have the time if this is you know like two months into the season And you have some time to take off take the fucking time off He'll up get him get him repaired. You can do that surgically. I believe mm-hmm

But if this is if this is you know go time. Yeah, if this is playoff season of sex You gotta you gotta just you rub some dirt on it, you know tape it up really good and that's it go to town Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I don't think you should stop. I think you should just like change your mentality. Yeah I mean if it's like really painful go to the hospital. Yeah, you know seek attention Yeah, but if you can deal with if it's just more of a discomfort if if when you're getting nailed You can remember that it hurts, but it feels better Go for it. Yeah We're fucking crush that one that one really really on top are two of the that was really the smartest most well-spoken people

I've ever met I would say so the same they'll say that as well Okay, next one his dick is too small, but his head game is fire. Oh, should I leave or stay? Oh I don't know man. This is tough because look at the end of the day, bro. Even if someone has a small ween You people can work with you don't say like could be taught to fuck better with a small yeah, but when you can't teach head Can I was kind of like yo you can't teach height, you know like yo LeBron he's six nine You're gonna tell me everything that you've learned from sucking dick isn't from videos you've seen wait what I'm not saying You do it, but if you wanted to I'll do this to suck and puss. I mean what I didn't know I didn't I'm not assuming gender here I did

We ran a wig What does that mean get them I'm saying like put it like this like you've never put a penis in your mouth No, if you did though. Yeah, if you picked it up tomorrow. Yeah, you'd be great. I don't know about great Frankie I would take some time to work out the kinks, but you wouldn't know you you'd know the general direction of drive-in Oh, yeah, because you you've been in the car. Yeah, but I could also hit a golf ball, but not efficiently It doesn't matter I would have to learn a little bit. Yeah, you would learn a little bit I need pointers what I'm saying is I'm a big pointer guy get pointed point point point me

This person clearly already gate like tried to work with the small penis and they said like just too small Like it's just below what's gonna work for them sure so but yo you getting you know You're getting mopped up. You're getting topped off. You're getting topped off and mopped up classic situation here burden the hand We're how often how often do you come across a great mopping? You know I'm saying for the female I'm saying that's that's because I feel like second opinion is like that's easy Not very that's very very that's 101. Yeah, it's like even if it's bad. It's good. It's one of those things You know, yeah, I've never had bad pizza exactly Like not like BJ pizza like real pizza. Oh, yeah bad not BJ pizza not BJ pizza. Yeah

Sure, she leave or stay This is what's I you know what you need to do get those gas station pills. Well, no, no, I never do that I don't know don't ever I'm just saying stuff now. All right experiment. I'm giving them homework sex therapy homework go Go home Have them just go to just fucking eat you up. I'm talking, you know gobble gobble like a zombie like a full-on zombie Note how you feel then Go buy a vibrator and appendage of the same size relatively to the penis and

Go to town on yourself with that figure it out find out what you like from a small. What do you like more? Mm-hmm, and if it's the the small penis Stick with it if it's the head There's your answer there's your answer get back to me three hill mary's I'm the act of contrition. Yeah Okay, here's a note. Here's a good one. Okay, how do you have sex when you still live with your parents? But I read that quick and I was like, how do you have sex your parents? I was like, what the fuck? How do you have sex when you still feel your parents? I'll tell you this here's how you do it

Go for it Do it Joey you live in the basement. Yeah And there's a back door and then you have a podcast that you don't let your mom listen to Yeah, essentially She listen to this shit or go to college Go to college yourself in a lot of debt. Well, no, no, no, this is when you still feel your parents There's some there. I mean, how do you do it? It really depends on your parents, you know, I'm saying you've got one of those You know really strict parents that are like yo chill no no TV or whatever the fuck or whatever that's going on

Probably ain't gonna be fucking there, bro. You probably have to do some outside stuff Which sometimes I've resulted to that you got to get creative you got to get on the grass baby creative Get in the dirt get your knees dirty invest in blankets a lot of blankets, right? You're gonna need to hide stuff under blankets. Yeah do some start by you know push the boundaries a little bit So like the parents are in the room next door. You're on the couch watching I don't know A day line date line. Yes. I'm gonna say no high schoolers love date line love it Or high school musical kids get horny that all the time. I don't know teen-year-old Frankie did I that I know

and Get a blanket do some hand stuff some thigh touching Explore see how they react if they see the blanket and they're like no no no no Who mom and dad mom and dad right or dad and dad and mom and mom or No, and no, I don't know what they and they and they also they and they Or they they and that there's so many there's so many options options. I Would say see how they react to the blanket stuff So if they if they did blanket stuff, they're gonna be there. I don't know what you doing here. You guys aren't cold

It's all that's fucking blanket off your cold Get a sweater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, which if that's the case also like you can do the whole studying routine We're like, oh, we gotta go upstairs you guys study mom leave us alone Well, it's so hard, but she's like don't lock your door a door open. Oh No, I would oh a door open. That's a tough one door open That's when you get creative you got to like also keep all your clothes on and shit Yes, but like only open enough to see where and that you don't like What's that for rip holes in them easy access rip holes and pants that you like don't like I said yeah, but

What about zippers We're fucking sweatpants shorts for real. I'm gonna ask you a question. Oh, did you rip holes in your pants when you were younger? That's not about me, right? This is about them. It's very true. We're a third party. They're in therapy Okay next Where where where we're just gonna one day just just like look back on this we're gonna look back Yeah, I have kids. Yeah listen

Daddy's sorry. Listen. Hey Where's the G spot? It's up Isn't it up? I Think it's north It's like the North Star if you look for it and follow it can't see it bro You can't see it the North Star you could see from anywhere He spots hidden but it's like when you're in the Northern Hemisphere you look up

You'll find it when you're in and around Wherever you're fucking around you'll find a little bit of that like the of the G spot and then just follow where would you go? She's follow it. Where is it? I think it's isn't it up. I thought it was up It's on the ceiling. I think it's I think it is inside and like in one of the foyers of a woman Yeah, it's definitely for a boy. Apparently. It's just fucking hanging in the garage. Oh man kick the fucking basement door I'm telling you right right next to the mini fridge. Yeah Behind that project you never started in the garage. That's where the boys G spot is. Yeah Yeah, it's right in the fucking you ever see the Wizard of Oz and Uncle Henry where they were like trying to survive from the what's that called like the

Twister no the door. No, that's a different movie. That's how I hunt. Well, there was a tornado and twister in that movie But the storm doors storm doors or door kick down a man's storm door Yeah, I mean and some of it might be tough and it'll it might be like full-on like fallout shelter Oh, yeah, some people are hoarders. So they got a lot of stuff back there find it But a woman's I mean, it's a little money might need a map. I think it's up The woman's is like, you know, what's that movie where like, you know, it's like the The pathway to the fucking like super cool, you know, like blip-blop stone the maze runner Yeah, only opens once every eight years once you get to like once you're fine

You know, it's like it's like coming across. Whoa coming across a Mew in the wild. Well, you find it. You got to stay there. You got to catch it You got it. Yeah, once it gets away, it's gonna be tough to find it again. Yeah, I think it's up But I don't I don't know I would say up And around the bend. I think it yeah Up and around the bend. Yeah CCR baby, fuck you know about that. What you know next What is a surefire way to get a girl off with the same amount of pleasure as a man? I

Don't even know what that means. I don't and I'm gonna tell you this. I was a surefire way to get woman off Let's just say that Love her That was beautiful just the way it is that does help though the sexiest and horniest orgasm is love Now you lost me Now you lost me Think about it like this. How do you how do you have which a surefire already get a girl off? Um, I Don't know. Yeah, honestly

Play guitar hero Work those fingies, babe. Oh, no, I was gonna say like I feel like if you put a woman on like a half broken Washer dryer. There's enough vibration there, especially if it's like made out of metal and not that plastic shit That'll really set a woman off kind of like a homemade Sibian. I would say that that's not a bad idea You know how like vibrators bro people unlike, you know tiktok make like, you know Like they use like hot glue and put like different designs to make it like a back scratching thing on the wall Yeah, do that on top of a washing machine. I'll make Sibby. Yeah, Sibs head But I don't know what the hell just came out of my mouth

But I say this Practice first. Mmm eat a lot of milk duds What's that? I know what it is. But like what are you talking about? Follow me eat a lot of milk duds play a lot of guitar hero Drink through sippy like like a silly straws Strengthen your tongue muscle got it and your fingies Then when the woman comes along. Oh, I thought you yeah, I was I was thinking you already guys. No, no Ask them what gets them off

What's gonna do it Well follow that if she's giving you a fucking The if she's giving you a map to the treasure X marks the spot following Yeah, but a lot of women a lot of women don't even know bro That's right a lot of women are like hey, man. I haven't owed it ever help her find it Maybe like we're both on this treasure hunt. We're this is this is national treasure 2.0 this picnic cage in here like You know, he'll figure it in the fuck out that wouldn't bad. Yeah, it's uh the declaration I lost it wasn't very good. Yeah, I lost it. But yeah

And then like to the same listen, it's it ain't gonna happen. It takes guys like Fucking 10 seconds to come realistically girls The only thing that does that is ryan gosseling and listen you ain't ryan gosseling. Yeah He's a big fan of the show. I would you know, I thought he was All right next question we answer that shit uh How much piss is too much piss? any

I would say, you know, yeah, yeah like Any piss Benny if you call it whatever counts as piss whatever you call if you call it piss It's already too much. What if you're into piss though? How much was too much piss? I would say this bro Don't if you're one of those people That are like cutting weight so they're drinking a gallon of water a day boof keep the piss off Also, if you're like a drunk pee bro, I could really ruin a fucking mattress with some piss listen to me

I'm telling you right now. I'll drown someone. I swear to god. Yeah I I will cause a leak with my pee bro. Yeah, you get don't don't leave the artwork underneath my room There'll be some drippy droppies. What the fuck does that mean a leak through an old damage to the art? What art? exactly Don't do it What the fuck are you talking about? You know like water gets through the floor and it damages whatever's underneath I'm saying like I could pee a lot to the point where it leaks through the floors

But why art? It's something you don't want damaged So red. It's something. I thought you was like an expression. Don't put the art under the bed That's well that now it is an expression. It is, you know, uh, here's another one Tips for car sex. Hmm Have a big car I would say Get a bed in it Because car sex is solid

Yeah car the the two sexes that people often talk about being the hottest car sex and shower sex Oh, no sex on the beach Whoever who said that was cool. No, we just rewrote the narrative on that. Yeah. No, that's terrible every natural, you know Fucking form on a beach is pointing toward not having sex there sand sea weed ocean seagulls seagulls

women garbage No, well you do it at night Cops those cops on the four wheeler cops are there cops are there they are there They may add it to some people though. Some people like to be like, oh, we could get a rent then. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I like that too under the boardwalk drugs are there. Oh, yeah. Oh, who would and there's a lot of barnacles Oh No, what's a barnacle in there barnacle and then like a washed up fish and you're like, what am I doing here? What are we doing? Let's get out of here. Uh back to the pee. Yeah

I'd say if they can stand up and it drips off them too much pee I think that's any liquid. No, no, no like if it drips and like the drips stop before it hit the floor Yeah, you know what I mean? Well, that's a tiny piss. No enough pee that you could spread it across, you know pass Pull aim Spray and sweep same with pee Put out fires with that and you can pee with that and if you follow that not too much pee

Everything you just said, I don't understand. Was that like a fireman? Yes. Yes, it was spray spread. You never heard of it No spray your pass Point or actually it's pull the first one pull aim spray sweep sweep with sweep Did you sweep the the fire extinguisher? Oh, oh, oh Interesting. Yeah, do that with peter and sex Pull the pee vessel out whether it be a vagina or pee pee Pull your vagina. Yep. Aim it where you want the pee to go. It might be more difficult with a spray away and sweep You know just watch out for the pillows. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, um, we have two more ads

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bigger car Yeah, I've had some car sex in my life A good amount I would say I would say don't do it That's another answer to the the you know, what if I love my parents? I was I was definitely car car I was carring it up invest in your sex invest invest buy cars get a lease you idiot What That was how do I look Like a like a middle-aged woman who's angry and she's marching down to the school

The curriculum. Yeah Common core. Okay. Um, I would say don't do it or if you're gonna obviously backseat backseat invest in tinted windows That would be nice or scope around your neighborhood find a nice shady spot Good old parking lot far enough from a school though. Don't want to get in trouble that way That's a big no no, baby. Get away from the schools. Yeah, and churches. I when I would have car sex I was close to a prison. Oh If yeah, you were just rubbing it in their face Who the prisoners?

No, it was rikers island and that's on an island, but I was like close to the uh smell it in the air Probably probably probably like Yeah, it's an aromatic thing. It is sex smells sex stinks Dude sex is staying. It's a stinky and if you like the person sex stink Marry them. Yeah. I know and also there's always just a smell Like you ever you ever have sex and you leave the room and then when you come in you're like what is going on It's not that it smells bad. It's just like it's there's something. It's powerful. It's powerful It's like it makes the air thicker. You ready? It's like walking into fucking macy's and you walk through the scent department

It smells good, but you're just like It hits you like a fucking punch in the face. Yeah What does it hit you like a fucking punch the Hair bitch I'll meet a wig All right next Uh, I've been told I'm too predictable in bed Any advice? Hmm. So the short answer here is switch it up. So we did up switch it up

You always start in one position starting a different one and if you well like what are you predictable for? Yeah, I'll so like yo smack a butt Or something fuck a butt put a fucking toe on your mouth. Yo, so it tells me I'm I'm predictable in bed I'm gonna cut forget about the sex we have next time because I'll start talking in a different language. Yeah I'm really gonna. Fuck you. He'll fucking buy rosetta stone bro. Yeah, Portuguese just to be like y'all should do buy Yeah, like I'll yeah, I'll go in you'll go fucking Hard I will like be too much. I've been completely unpredictable bro. Whatever you're predictable for I'm sorry

Whatever you're unpredictable for do the opposite. So it's like oh, he always starts kissing the neck kiss the asshole Yeah, yo, oh my god. He always starts, you know, just or she always starts grabbing my butt cheek Put your fucking toes in their mouth like just go the radical opposite in go crazy, you know everything is an opposite Yo, just like get up and like just like stand up and be like in the middle of everything like you're having sex You said oh my god It's great Stand up walk over the corner just piss in the corner peeing it like she'll never see that coming Do you want to be and like we're not saying be disrespectful?

But like do it. No, just piss and hurt the corner not in her or him Well, you could pet dude. She's not expecting you to pee in or eat this. Yo, just like burst out be like, yo I'm gonna fucking piss on me. I'm gonna. Yo, you're over. Yeah, you don't need to do it, huh? Yeah I didn't you're unpredictable crazy problem solved crazy Or just like give yourself like five different names get consent be like, yo call me tyler And then she's like what are you talking about? I think like call me rachel and she's gonna be like, whoa Like that's unpredictable like your your dad now And i'm fucking yeah, i'm little timmy. Yeah, you know, it's like dad and little timmy are having sex now fucking throw

But make sure you get consent. Yeah, and also timmy's 18 at least. Yeah and dad it's not That that doesn't problem either. That's a problem. Yeah Yeah, they're not related They're secret lovers daddy There we go. That's cool killed it. Yeah

That's how you do it So is that all the questions? No, no, no, no, i'm saying like that's how you become unpredictable Just like i'm gonna give you something right now. Just give me the complete opposite. You ready making a sandwich Fucking a neck Right here like this Doing that. Um, you know as in sexually or just opposite sexually opposite. Okay, wait. Are you saying kissing feet? Uh sucking noses. Okay um

dry humping to fucking wet Nothing just being soaking wet The opposite of dry humping is just walking into the room soaked and not touching and also completely clothed. Yeah Just covered like yo, was it raining? No, no, i'm just i'm just wet took a dip. I just took a fucking dip Just took a dip. Yeah, hand job Uh, well, I don't know maybe just like

I don't know bro. Yo, you know, you do it would be crazy You walk in there you start having regular sex and you can see her being like no another one Grab a book and just put your dick in it and just smash it. Oh, I just feel like It's like a harry potter like that, right? Yeah invest in you know cut yourself a little bit like i'm the tip of the arm There's no little there are no tips of arms unlike the tip of your arm like the top of your forearm in the middle of sex You just be like, you know just like rick flared in there Yeah, just be like, you know cut yourself in the forehead a little bit or just start like not deep Yeah, do a say a prayer

Oh, yeah start fucking speaking in tongues. Yeah, you know just burst out burst out singing Madonna You know or just you know cry That won't work too cry Um, all right, cool. Or if you normally cry be pumped be pumped at what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, be like, yo I'm not crying ever sex crier. Just be like, yo, this is awesome. Yeah, I'm not gonna cry That's it. Boom nailed it that one. We did really well too. Um, okay next this one What do men think about in bed? My boyfriend says he does multiplication to avoid coming quickly Multiplication

There's Neil deGrasse Tyson first of all if he can do that much multiplication in his head Fucking wow, bro. I can't do a simple multiplication in my head Also, like multiplication like if out of addition subtraction and like all that shit I would say multiplication is probably the sexiest one. Of course that x bro three of those four times Six, what's the ugliest one? Oh subtraction. Yeah, it's not good likes subtraction I don't know that's a thing of one and then don't let me start on division Yeah, I'm not really a big divider Additionally, I could get behind if you want me to put fractions into sex. I won't come ever

Yeah, I would be nervous. I was a nervous test taker. So if you start throwing numbers at me during sex We're probably gonna have a problem. Yeah, if you want a man or woman Sorry, if you want a man or woman to last longer, just ask him like, yo, like what's like one half times four fifths Yeah, yo, if you want This is for anyone out there that may have sex with me If you wanted to last longer ask me Like a long division question because I'm just gonna get up and get a piece of paper

Yeah, because I can't do it unless I write it down or unless I like motion it in the sky or something and even then I'll probably get it wrong too. I'm probably still gonna get it wrong and I need you to grade it because I have an ego And I need to know when I'm I need to figure like I would always I was that kid that'd be like, yo Let me know how I did right now. Yeah I don't want to grade it grade it right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you on that one. I'm a quick quick quick quicker I'm a quick test taker. He is so give him a tester in sex. He'll last longer Yeah, I'll finish the test fast, but I'll still be like thinking about it. He'll slam it on the Slam it on the desk in front of you done grade it now now

Sorry charlie Uh, what was the question? I don't know. What do men think about in bed? I think about what's going on I I would also think about hey, I'm having sex right now. There is sex right now. Yeah, I go Oh, look titties if I'm gonna say something I play to my head three times just to make sure it comes out good Because nothing worse than like fumbling lines during you know, like line during sex, you know what I mean? Oh, that's bad where you're just like, you know, like, oh man, you're so Hot they're gonna be like, what were you gonna say? Yeah, what was actually gonna come out of your mouth? You ever say something that like

Wasn't like is not for you to say like one time I was like, I forgot what I said I said something like you want me to ride you and I was like wait That's not yours. Okay. That's not mine. Is that yours? I completely stole her line. You could not take ownership of that line Yeah, I robbed her of that. Yeah, I was like, you want me to ride you? I think there was one where I was just like You're fucking and like wait, that's it. And then I was like Like I had to put in like awesome or something Oh, because you were like you're fucking and you were talking to yourself like, yo, you're having sex Yeah, you're fucking and right now you're doing it. Yeah, and like I like

Or like maybe I was thinking like the person was gonna say like you're fucking me great Oh, yeah, and I was just thinking like and then I said it and I was like, I'm not getting fucked right now No, I do the fuck right. Yeah, you do that. You do it. Uh, you don't receive it No, I'm no recipient of fuck me neither That's the way it works I'm a man Yeah We're wearing a wig

Last one here. Okay. How do I get my man? To be into blood play with me Um, this is an easy one. Yeah, I have him bit by a vampire. Yeah, bro. Just cut that motherfucker, bro Fucking cut him cut him but like not crazy because if you go to the police, you could be like what he fucking he Hit his arm on the Fucking picture frame and cut it a little bit make it like an accidental cut and then like you're just like oh Yeah, like figure out a way like yo, you know, you do follow your fucking Uh pointer finger into like a sharp and then just cut that motherfucker's arm

And then and then and then when he's like, oh shit I'm like bleeding my bad and you just put your mouth on and suck on it like a leech And then you just spit it back. Actually, I don't really know. Well, that's heavy But like I don't really know what blood play is. Is that that you want to suck on it? I think it's like they rub it in it's like it's like with like candles like they'll drip it on your chest No, bro. We're talking about blood I know and like they'll drip the blood on their chest and like rub it in and like put like an upside down cross Oh, yeah, it's very like demon. They're like trying to fuck demon. Yeah, they draw a pentagram

Yeah, they like draw like a weegee board and they start moving shit and they like, you know, resurrect a spear Are you here? Yeah, and like in blood it says like yes, it's me and and lidia Aunt lidia everyone has an antlidia. Oh, dude antlidia. Oh, yeah, that's a bad woman Did you even see hand me? Yeah, I have I have she didn't uh Not a good person. You ever you would you have sex on antlidia? That's a yes No, me neither, bro. Was it for me? I wanted to see where you were at and out is the actress's name And out. Yeah, the name alone makes it such like no sex and

I'm gonna need a little more. That's a half name. Give me give me something else. That's a half name And and uh, bro. What is it something cooler than an come on? Give me more than that. What's your name? Fred? Yeah, like bro, you could be frank. You could be fred. You could be like, but don't give me Stupid stupid. You got a half name over there, man. Uh, what was the question? Oh blood play. Yeah, how do you get into blood play? You know, uh, just accidentally, you know, like I said, take one for the team, you know, red is green, baby Professional wrestlers. No bleed a little bit on your head. You know a little razor blade. You know, don't just just like that Rick flair it. Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. Don't stop. I'm good Also, you you may have to, you know, get some practicing because you need a steady hand to be cutting motherfuckers

You had a wrong artery and like you'll probably have a good time because there'll be a lot of blood But there's gonna be also a lot of repercussions or or just like pick your nose really hard Nosebleeds are boy. Oh boy. That's coming out there like the fucking, you know, old faithful dry out his nose And then make him pick it or you pick that shit That shit will bleed bro. I've had bad nosebleeds and my shit has dried out. Oh, yeah Crazy Make it work. And then once the blood starts to flow in you start a blowing Yeah, you start being like, oh my this is the and then like rub it on your nipples

Then we'll think of everything in terms of sex. So if you make blood during sex sexy the guys into it period That's a good pun period That's blood What's up, that's your introductory too. I don't know that you should go around cutting motherfuckers But definitely be like, yo, you trying to like bang on my pee You want your red wings put it in like cool terms like guys think of things in terms of cool terms Yeah, they have we need you call it blood play. They're not going to be into it

They were like, yo, you want to take the crimson dive tonight. They'll be like hold on Yeah, you're like, yo, what that sounds awesome Or like you do you want your red wings and they're like, yo, what it's because that Reminds them of their childhood because when you go to the Boy Scouts you get a bunch of badges a bunch of them And that sounds like one of them. I got my red wings. I would say yeah And if he goes not chill, then you just got back off. He can't be cut off everyone wants red wings everyone everyone Like in real life like everyone wants wings to fly and they want them to be red because red's just a cool color So like if you put that in terms of a dumb man because all men are dumb

I'll eat that sum bitch right up You may be right Well, that's all we have. You may be crazy You may be right You may be crazy But it just may be the lunatic you're looking for You're not into this or don't know the words I don't know

That's so fake of me. I'm such a fake italian. Yeah, you can't be italian and not know every word to every billy joe song At least i'm not from long island to know that I don't think that you could live out there Well, you can't because it's a fucking the wild west out there. I'm saying I think you I don't think you can be from long island And be like, oh, I don't think billy joe's that great. They will hurt you. Oh, well, that's I have to like Carefully tell people I don't like springsteen now that I live in jersey. Oh, man Like oh, you know that song's about the turnpike. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about the boss? I'm just like, oh, yeah He's from freehold bruce. You know, you just got to put in facts that like make them forget that you like they asked you

Best bruce springsteen song you're ready. You're ready everyone go I didn't even know what you said Santa Claus is going It's a good song Glory days. He's got some hits bro that good Anyway, that is all for this week's episode of the basement. Are we appreciate you so much frank when they get find you Uh on the upper west side, uh frank alvarez psychiatric llp Psychiatric I think is for kids. I don't know psychology. No, that's pediatrician. That's it. P. No, um frank alvarez

Uh, uh sex therapist llp Uh, and um, you know the frank alvarez on stuff. Go check me out And you guys can follow me at joe sanagato Go follow the show at the base meyard on tiktok and instagram and that is all see you guys next time