The Basement Yard - #327 - The Deep Dark Secrets Of Sleepaway Camp

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Frank & Joe talk about all of Frank's weird sleepaway camp stories. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. How's everybody? I'm in it, baby I'm in it. Oh my god. I'm in it. I'm in it. Someone had a good Christmas. I did. I had a great Christmas It looks like you're pretty relaxed. I gotta say listen. First of all, I feel good You look silky as of right now as of the recording. COVID didn't get me. Me neither so far Yeah, this book. Well, if you got now we have now we have probably I'll text you tomorrow I'll get the text so I called him today and he's goes what happened. Yeah, I'm like, no, that's not it

COVID didn't get me. I got this incredible. You're pure blood, right? Not like an area. It's like a racist thing. I've been watching a lot of Harry Potter. That's mudblood. Mudblood. Yeah It's like the closest. I love how Harry Potter was just like we have wizards and magic and Jews in the bank And yeah, we so bad want to say the n-word, but we're not gonna so we're gonna call it mudblood. Yeah I was like yikes, man. Well, JK. She's got a lot of stuff going on She's got a big a lot of hates trans people dude She and like she just hates the fact that she built this world made a billion dollars I think the first person to make a billion dollars as an author, right wasn't what was she I believe she was yeah

Really except for whoever wrote the Bible, bro. Well, yeah, I mean those a couple people I think but Jesus H. Christ Jesus. What is the age by the way Harold? Got it. Um, what is it? What is that? heaven Jesus heaven Christ. Yes That's what it stands for. What is the age? No, don't look it up. Just leave believe it's heaven fine. No I I want to I really felt like Some like biblical name like heretics or something. That's more Greek than biblical. Yeah, you're right

But no JK Rowling. I'm pretty sure she was the first person to become a billionaire off a vegan author Didn't she like go back and say like Dumbledore like you actually don't door gay. Yeah mad gay Yeah, she was like yo by the way, which cool. I'm fine with because there was nothing about his character that made him not gay You know what I mean? You're like, well, yeah, he was he was he was in neutral colors. He was like he was like off the gray You never you never and he was gay. He wasn't Gandalf, bro. I You know, they look the same, right? Oh, I'm pretty close and you can count gay very gay, sir gay Sir gay sir. That's like a Serbian guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, but in the count big Ian McKellen girls over here

Oh, love. I'm a big Ian McKellen girl. Oh, yeah, it was bro. Do you know his full name Dumbledore Albus Dumbledore? Frankie, there's a little bit more Albus Reinhardt Albus Percival Percival. Fuck. I knew it. Wolf Frick Bryant Brian, bro You got Albus you got Wolf Frick you got Dumbledore. They just gonna throw in fucking Jake Yeah, well, I mean think about it. We have Harry Ron Dumbledore gay Yeah, she went back and said like oh, by the way, they all wore robes so they would just shit in the robe Wait, what you never heard that one. Wait, she was talking about shitting. She was talking about shit in big time

Wait, what did she say? She said Yeah I'll fucking get you baby. It's the Japanese whiskey. Yeah. Yeehaw. A whiskey. Yeah She went back and said like oh Everyone wore robes and they wouldn't use so they would just shit in the robe and like as they're walking the street So the streets are just lined with wizard shit Wait, was she's was making this up? Well, she can she is the creator

She is she is you know, and then fucking JK said let there be light JK Rowling's Pottermore reveals how wizards pooped told you used to poop Hogwarts didn't have any bathrooms. Yeah for adopting mom. Yeah. First of all, it did have bathrooms that fucking annoying bitch Yeah, Monty Myrtle. She's dead in that bathroom. And what's her name was taking a shit in the first movie Hermione, oh, she was crying or whatever. She was crying. She wasn't taking a dump. She could have taken a dump. That troll Spoiler, I guess that troll went after her in the bathroom. Yeah, bad place to go after a teenage girl horrible place That's you're just racking up the charges You're trying to get yourself in trouble. They could pin one on you there. Um, but yeah, she uh, yeah

But she can't she she doesn't like to She she is super against, you know People that identify as trans or that that that transition doesn't make sense I don't I don't really know when she draws the line It's like, you know, you're making up wizards and shooting in the street and owls, you know, doing all types of like, you know UPS work makes a notice. Well, that one is probably a little more realistic the UPS owls Um, but like she's like, yo, like this is gonna be called aloha mora This is uh when guardian leviosa, but don't you fucking dare try to transition on me

Bitch, you may have a fake world. Come on, man. You built your back Yeah, you built your standing on the heads of fake wizards Literally fuck. I mean it is it is a very good book series and movie series probably the best book to movie transition Hey, here's what's not gonna happen. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna say here's what here's what's definitely not gonna happen JK says a lot of stuff. She does says a lot of what's her fucking name by the way james k She says a lot of stuff. Yeah, I'm still gonna like those movies I've been watching sorry we're watching through them with myles and and becca gotta say they hold up and They're still fucking good. Yeah some things not don't hold up as well. What uh like some of the CGI not so great

Oh, oh, you know like when harry's on the trolls back and he's fucking like yeah, and he puts his wand in his nose He's like, uh trolling bogey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember we used to go see those for our friend's birthday every year Who around? Like we would go to that like sunny side theater. It was birthday. I believe it was like around like chelsea's birthday They would come out. Uh, no, maybe they came out in november. I don't know but I remember going to see them with you Yeah, yeah, I remember that because uh I just I remember specifically I remember seeing people dress up grow up. Well, hold on. Hold on cosplay It's real thing bro. Yeah, people do at conventions when it's like people do it at the movies, bro

When I once see spider-man no way home Lotta spider-man. I feel like that's a lot Why? You're in a movie theater. Just a spider-man. Oh fuck off. People finally have spider-man would never go to the movies in a fucking suit Yes, he would. He absolutely would. That would probably be the best place to best place to wear it No, he appreciates his downtime as a regular human being from fucking. Oh, yeah, because if he goes to a movie theater You will see spider-man Yes, like you just look up in the fucking corner and you're just gonna be like, oh my god

He can just like be in the corner. He's not gonna watch it upside down. There's an upside down. You could make a fucking little web hammock Oh my first of all, you need to buy a ticket It's spider-man. He's an honorable man. He'll probably buy a ticket. So I'm saying and then just change in the bathroom A lot of stuff happens in movie theater bathrooms. You never know. What have you done in movie theater bathroom? Personally, nothing. I know of stuff that has happened in movie theater bathroom. What blodges blodges fingers butts So butts full butts. Who's full butts full butts, dude. Wait, who's I know I know I I wait butts sucked or butt top, but both fuck

Whoa fingers and butts pps and butts Probably scissoring that I haven't heard about but it's it's gotta happen. Obviously every it's like, you know Like I've heard about people that work at movie theaters the way that people like were like camp counselors You know when they're like, oh my god camp counselors after hours We fucking like had like two smear off ices and you know, like the boys Yeah, bunk. Yeah, and it was like, yo same shit movie theater people were just like fingering fucking touching and blusting The camp capsule thing is crazy like all the Jewish kids that I know they what they all they all go to camp They all well, no, that's not a historical joke. I'm talking about like

Dig me out of this I went I went to a camp on Long Island, which was all Jewish all Jewish and me Right. I used to try to sneak onto the coaster line because they would get food first And it was always time out. It was better food. Wait time out. Yeah Why because why did they get first I meant? Because they had they had meal accommodations So it was like I like at the meal accommodations like there was only there was a finite number of Really of a kosher of kosher options. So let the kosher kids go first. I was fine with that. I didn't care

I did try to sneak on that kosher line quite a bit. Yeah. Well, you look you look like you fit right in with the Jewish community I don't think I did That's my point. Yeah, I don't I don't think so. Yeah, but um, they had really good It was uh, I'll say it let it go let it fly shibbly day camp roslyn new york. Oh, yeah All Jewish people. Yeah, and me right But the reason why I said that is because When I talked to to these my Jewish friends who are camp counselors

They always have stories like I was getting blown by the archery or something Yeah, oh my god I was like zip lining and there were titties and I was like Jesus And they always it's like they always fuck up near the docks, you know What I mean like the docks are the pool and it's like, you know, the kids are in the water. They're fine They're lifeguards. We were out. We were smoking weed in the fucking arcade. Yeah, you know And it's like wow should happen or like yeah, like it was down in the bunk And it's always like the chipmunk bunk or something. Well, I so I remember because remember I went to camp for a couple years

Did you ever sleep there? No, it was it was a day camp They had like a week every summer of a sleepaway camp. I was a little boy. I didn't want you scared I was a little scared. I have to admit and you had to be a certain level swimmer in order to do it And at that would they make you sleep in the water? No No, no, no, but like it was like a lake So you needed to be like the best level swimmer that you could be and at that point I was not Yeah, I was a yellow band at most they were there were red bands out there diving and treading. I wasn't there whoa

And uh, I I snuck into a girl's bunk and left her we would leave notes back and forth It was the first girl I wait wait the first girl for neighbor had wait You would you would sneak into her bunk when she wasn't there and leave her a note And she wouldn't sneak into our bunk and leave me a note in my cubby But you wouldn't sneak in while she was there. No Because it's a lot of it wasn't that like it was like an open It was an open concept like it was no like there were no walls I remember as clear as day because this is where I

First explore not explore. It was like a prison pod Basically, bro, and you walk in and it's like this room But way bigger beds and it was no no beds because it was not It was a day camp. It was just little cubbies where you keep your shit. Oh, so like yo, you're getting changed You're doing it right there. What bro in the open. Wait, so you changed in front of a bunch of these I always went into the bathroom to get changed. I don't know why it had nothing to do with my small penis I just decided I wanted I just wanted to go and get changed by myself. I hear you. Uh, but there were other kids

I remember there were these twin boys. They would flop them out Fucking pointers out boy. Yeah, let me tell you what they were they just sharpened pencils They were hanging dog. They weren't hanging anything. They were fucking, you know, yeah, they were mistletoeing if you get what I'm saying I understand completely But I would when they weren't there because I didn't want to be a creep You know, I I didn't want to be a creep and like sneak in because I would get one get caught two Yeah, I'd be kind of fucked up. How many people were in these like little like fucking? So from the way that I remember and this was almost 20 years ago, um

it was like set up like it was like you had like, um Spin it out. Right. I'm trying to like it was like interim boys interim boys two interim boys two a to be like weight classes I'm being boys. Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm being boys. Who's the welterweight champion of the boys? It was like senior boys two To be like the biggest boys. Yeah. Well, no the biggest boys were senior boys three

I believe oh, and then like senior girls three and like the boys and girls follow the same thing And I remember when I was a senior boy Uh, I got my first like the first girl that ever told me like, yo, I like you I was like Whoa, excuse me and uh, she told me over golf Wait, you guys were playing golf. Yeah against each other uh on a team together. Oh cool. And uh, she was like I just you know straight up. She like left me a note. I'm like this like purpley pink paper It was like I like you I was like, whoa, she's just like handed you the note Yeah, and was like read it later and I was like, all right. Damn subpoena to you

She fucking full on like I've been served with the crush god damn And then like we would go back and forth and leave notes in each other's bunkers Did you ever get like, you know, I'm one of these fucking Sneak into the lake. No, because I didn't know what I was talking about then Dude, I don't know. I what would I have said, you know, I want to show your shoulders I remember we tried because she lived in she lived in Ireland What the fuck? She lived in Ireland all over the place. I think you said this is a day camp. It was lying back and forth

The island during the summer she came for the camp Rest of the year she went over she went across a pond. Of course she did duh and um We would like keep in touch and the old like the most like steamy it got quote-unquote When I sent her an email when she was back in Ireland And she said like, oh, I have to get braces and I was like train tracks or not. I'll still like you That was the steam that was a steam. First of all, you said train tracks. I did say train tracks train Oh my god, that's unbelievable. And what's even funnier is that I was emailing for my sister's account

So it was she saw it from well, she was the one that like from like j-baby x it was like too lovely 3 1 1 or some shit Too lovely. What's up? My sister's was a little sexy With s s e k c y. I think it was x e x c i i sexy Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so that's uh, what's up? That's beautiful, man. It was a good time. Yeah, good good time It was um a little 10 11 year old Frankie just trying to figure out life. I understand completely um, I got I have a story for I have a story for you. This is a fucking mood. Don't even try to tell me dude. I think you should wear this every fucking time

I'm not kidding. Okay Don't gotta tell me twice. Um, I have a story So I I got my other tattoo on my arm saw that very nice. My phone is vibrating in my asshole Is your dad? No, it's not. It's a random number actually. It's probably the Verizon guy, but I'm not picking it up. Don't pick it up. He sucks Um, but does he watch? You know, I mean he doesn't know who I am Um, how dare he? Uh, no, but I went to go don't do that. Jesus christ

Um, but I went to go get the tattoo and I was talking to the artist and show him the tattoo It's really nice by the way. I can't make fun of this one because I'm actually kind of envious I mean I can make fun of it if I really wanted to but I don't I think if there was some comments It's on my arm. It's a scene. Well now it's like fucking And now you put some stuff on it, but it's a scene from the Truman show Where he's walking up the steps. It's like the moment that he realizes his life is fucking fake And the guy's and the guy who's in the moon who has created this whole thing for him Is basically selling him on the dream of like you're the most popular guy in the world and you're on a tv show and

You're famous like everyone in the world knows you blah blah blah and he just basically goes fuck you. I'm leaving and he leaves And then on the bottom so in case I don't see it, which is part of his like tagline in that movie Not explaining to you because obviously you fucking know, but that's what it is Uh, but anyway, the point of me bringing that up is I was talking to the artist while I was getting tattooed and he is from israel His name is kozo. He works at bang man guys. I'm believable. Go follow him on instagram. Great name too. Uh, but he He told me like he has to get his green card And for some reason I don't know he has a little bit of like

There's a little bit of a language barrier So I don't know if he was like explaining it or maybe I just like didn't understand it completely But he had to do certain things to get his green card like Engage in certain I don't fucking know but he had to Go to philly To judge a tattoo contest, right? This guy's from israel so

Even he said to me he goes so we're in philly already I'm signifying like shit. Yeah. Well philly. Yeah And even I even he knows that I've been here one year. Sorry philly. Yeah, he's like so I had to go to philly is like and then also a tattoo Contest he's like you were getting some of the biggest pieces of shit here. Oh a hundred percent. He said there was like You know colorful black and white and then creative. Those are the the categories. He's like for the creative tattoo a woman comes up and

Takes off her pants. Yep exactly where I thought this was going bends over Opens her fucking ass cheeks. Yep, and reveals an asshole tattoo of like a son Around her whole I like the black hole son like oh, oh, won't you come? Won't you come? Black hole son It's a good song. It's a great song sound guard

A very weird music video. You ever see that music video? Yeah, it's like it's like Yeah, it's I don't like it. It's like courage a cowardly dog. Yeah Um, yeah, but an asshole tattoo. First of all, that's like the like the dave batista belly button tattoo It was like that. That's my least favorite tattoo. I've ever seen ever So many people have that too. Why I don't know what's cool about the sun and a belly button Definitely nothing cool about a belly button and nothing cool about the sun. It's very hot Please move on. We're good way to go. No. Yeah that that honestly though Who gave that to her? I don't have a question about her as the the the tattooe the tattooed

I have more a question about the person that actually sat down And then what do they do? Did they like take her ass cheeks and tape them and like tape them open? And then they just fucking went free reign. What if this woman had a fart? What if this woman? Uh, just just had a bad day. What if she had some Taco Bell the night before bro first of all You definitely have to be faced down. What's up? I Tried to say that Right, but she

So she's faced down ass up. Yeah, and she has to hold it open Oh, she's holding it open. I mean who else is going to hold that's what I'm saying like take tape Tape it to what the wall just like set up like a frame Around bro, isn't that enough tape if you're willing to tattoo on an asshole You need to take some fucking precautions and make sure that thing stays open You better have washed that thing with a power washer from home depot before you get in there Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I can't leave any shit parts. I forget about the ship parts I'm thinking like you need to be very confident

In like someone's gonna be like it's enough staring into your ass. Yeah Like it's enough that like people have sex and allow people to see them with the lights on bare asshole bent over you know You then need to be okay with someone with a fucking magnifying glass scoping in on you and just being like wow Look at these ridges and needling your hole That that might have been like a horny thing That might have turned her on I also Sorry

But you you don't need to pause. It's me. I don't have a asshole tattoo. What what happened because like There were times where my arm is being tattooed and I can kind of feel it Like in my hand and it makes me want to do this right because like there's nerves No, I like you know when he stops for a second. I'll just like do whatever When your asshole is being tattooed We're talking about uh, you know a muscle That is constantly sort of in movement. You're tattooing a butt constantly in movement explain that like when you're standing up Your butt's like moving around

No, my butt's not. Yeah, bro. Your butt's not stagnant. My static. I think is what you're looking for. No, it's I'm saying it's not like just I think it's moving, bro. I don't think my butthole is doing any movement. I think it's bro. The shit is moving I'm telling you. I think it's just kind of living in its dream. You don't think you go to get up like this and your butthole goes Wait, no, I can stand up without cli- No butthole no tightness or nothing. I don't believe that. I'm just letting you know I'm just letting you know not about not everyone has an activist an asshole as you joey Well, then I have a strong like I'm muscling it out. I don't know. I just no, you know You need to tighten you can tighten and sometimes you get scared and you tighten

I think it's got to be like because there there are people that get serious uh sexual gratification by having their asshole not only Fucking pounded into oblivion. Yes, but the outside played with licked fingered tickled but tattooed bro You never know. Maybe it could be it could be like a fucking like horny thing. That's what I'm saying like a masochist I mean, she didn't get her to her ass hole tattooed. It was around the hole. You said right well I I wasn't there Well, you're telling the story. So by the way, he actually ended up saying he's like when she came up and showed us the tattoo I actually said to the other judges like she either has to come in first or fucking dead last

And she ended up winning Well, duh. Yeah, I mean that kind of makes sense. She won that she won the battle lost the fucking war That war was no that war was long gone. Can you imagine what do think about this? Listen to me. I've said this before think about this You have meet a girl At a bar and she's beautiful and you're like, oh my god, and she's like and you guys are talking and hitting it off She's funny and you're like, oh my and you're just like lit up and then you're like talking her for so long and then you guys Finally at some point we try to engage engage in sex like a month later after all this like dating

That's really cute. Really cute to you. And then there's just an ass hole tattoo I got what do you do? And I'm not saying you let you go all fuck this But you do for a second go. I didn't pick up on this at all. That's a layer of Confidence, what do you want the lollipop guild? Chewing on that thing. That's a layer of like a bone. That's a layer of confidence That opens up a new world of opportunities like bro You know how fucking cool with your own body you need to be to shove your asshole in someone's face and they color it in like a fucking kindergartener

You know how cool that you have to be Like you need to like there not only do you need to have a little bit lack of self-awareness But you then also need to have the confidence to just be like, yo, I don't care First of all, you got to think about it depending on what this person Like how the quality in which they keep their asshole. This is an experience for the person doing the tattooing as well You know what I mean? So it's like the gift that keeps on giving You know, it's like I'm gonna show you something wild because you know I don't think scientifically you can show if you're a female

Uh, and you identify as a female and have female reproductive organs I don't think you can show asshole without showing a little bit of the pooch Yeah, no, there's gonna be some dog in there I think You said pooch, so I you know, I don't think it's humanly possible to show one without the other You know how they say like you can't sneeze with your eyes open girls, but you can't show a butt Well, you can't be a woman or have female reproductive organs and show your asshole and not You know give a glimpse, you know into the pipeline. No, yeah, exactly. I uh, I there well the asshole is

Puss adjacent it is so it is it's the neighbor. They're in the same room. Yeah, it's a townhouse. The walls are touching. Yeah Yeah, they share the share foundation. Yeah, and that's the the assholes in the penthouse and you know, the pussy's in the floor Yeah, it's not that far away. It's not a big still good still expensive I would say I would say the opposite. I'd say well, it really depends how you're looking at I guess so Yeah, I guess you're right. It's it's perspective. It's all forced perspective. That's all life You know, you look at one thing one way glass half full glass half open. Yeah, it really depends which way she's lying You got glass half full glass half empty. Yeah the way you see life, you know, do you see life asshole on top or pussy on top Yeah, this is the way that we talk. I I prefer the vagina. I'm so happy. Yeah, I know I'm so

I'm so happy you're gonna get into these ads right now That's I'm glad you brought that up Good I know who it is too that makes it even funnier. Yeah, it's nice. It's uh, it's stitch fix That's how you could try make it. I'm not really one name. I'm not gonna. They're our friends lichens lichens I'm the one drinking by the way you guys. Yeah, but I'm getting like join in I'm gonna get I'm gonna get into it right after this and I'll tell you why I'm not do it. Yeah, okay So stitch fix uh sponsor of the show. It's a shop built just for you Uh, you know, stitch fix freestyle is trusted your style destination where you can discover an insulated by curated items based on your style likes

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That's stitch fix dot com slash basement to try the stitch fix freestyle again. That is stitch fix dot com Slash basement definitely go check it out. You just like fill out uh this Questionary thing that they have so they can get your style Down and your size and everything and then they just show you all this stuff. It's amazing great tool to use definitely Go check them out stitch fix dot com slash basement uh And our next sponsor is better help Better help online counseling or just counseling in general other therapy

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The reason why i'm not joining you in drinking Is because christmas day, which right now was three days ago I drank champagne from 12 to 9 You know what is so fucking funny is Any amount of champagne is gonna fuck you up because you have like a like an acid thing I always I can almost when I abuse myself like that. I can always did you have any orange juice? Yeah, double acid for you. That was a big fat problem. Yeah, dude, bro. I am you know what maybe new year's eve I'm just drinking shamp all day

It was fun. You know Shockingly, I wasn't hungover at all. Was a good champagne or was it like fucking like cooks Cooks cooks is not very good. I don't know. No one of them was I bought a bottle of dom Well, then there you go. Well, yeah, but that was only one bottle and that was over at 1208 No, but I I poured everyone a glass of that. I haven't had a good drunk champagne Bro, the most I think the most drunk I've ever been was on champagne And I like almost burned my apartment to the ground It was years ago. It was because it sounded like fun. Well, not on purpose. It was me and tim my old roommate

Yeah, we weren't living together at the time and him and I drank a bottle of champagne each like cheap champagne like andre Yeah, and he had a like a 10 pack of like molsans triple x Oh, no, and I had a like a 12 pack of buddha platinums You guys drank all that bro We were so drunk Like I woke up the next morning and like my apartment was a disaster. No one was there anymore Everyone was gone. I had no idea where anyone went I had gotten messages from like the people that worked for me because remember I lived on a college campus

And I like supervised the building. Yeah, and I got messages from like my r.a.s. Like hey, you need to chill And apparently I was just like open the door like sub and just like closing it and shit like that Just like screaming in the hall But champagne man, that's a that's a champagne. I'll do it For sure we'll do it and it did it because it was like a blur You know like because I didn't see anybody because Of like all the cases were going up and we were supposed to go to my family's of my cousin's house in in jersey And the whole family was supposed to be there

But we ended up we ended up just staying at the house I think you know what I think because remember we're recording a couple days before new year's eve I think that's going to be my go-to move is going to be Champagne for the day do just do it right because one of my new year's resolutions Is I want to go at least four or five months without alcohol In a row like yeah. Oh, I thought you're just gonna do like space math No, because like that's I feel like that's not that hard last year I don't drink a lot as it is like I'm not like this honestly. I can't tell you the last time I had a drink

Yeah, Chris I don't know. That's what I'm saying. You you were just with your with your family. You didn't have a beer I think I had a beer. Yeah, but like I like for the kid. I got to be up with ruby most mornings at like 6 6 30 It's probably not that hard. Why am I gonna get miserable and fucking? Ruin my life, but how are you feeling the next day? No hangover any any burpee bubblies? No, no burpee bubblies. No hiccups bees. Did you get a lot of people don't talk about this Did you get the day after drunk like sit on the toilet and like just wait until your asshole explodes?

What you don't do that Oh Showed my cards. Yeah, just sit on and wait. Well, like It's alcohol is a blood thinner and with my stomach issues like that's a bad thing for me to have So like I have to wait until like to see like is it gonna be like my body's just deciding to just unload right now Or like what am I doing? Right, you know, you don't get the you don't get the beer poops or something No, I mean it happened. It didn't happen with the champagne the only thing that like I

It was basically me and Keith the entire day. Do you know bro? Did you see what I posted on my story of that little alligator? Yes, bro. Do you remember that game? I do remember that game It's basically this game the alligator's mouth opens up and you click all the teeth and then randomly every round One of the tooth makes the thing shut and it's for babies. Yeah, but stole that real quick. Oh, yeah right from the child and uh Me and Keith played and it's like if you lost and you drank yeah

We were like out and then we played a war The card game that's a good one and everything we're trying to make drinking miles from santa got a uh A mario kart hot wheels track It's fire and it's like there's like a there's like a a flag on it And you have to hit the flag and whoever gets the flag all the way down wins So I was just sitting there bashing this fucking thing But oh, I need a good champagne day. I haven't had a good champagne day

And maybe for new years, it'll be like my last drunk hurrah, bro. Shamp it up. Shamp it up I did two months last year at one point. I did two months sober. I've done. I've done. I think the longest I've done is about three months Um, and that was for health reasons. I did it, but I felt great I lost a shit ton of weight and that's also something I want to do. I did two months because I went to a yankees game. Uh, and then went to a bar afterwards billies Billies no, no, no, I went to a bar's after I went to a bar afterwards And there was just a lot of people at this bar that knew who I was and kept buying me shots So by the time I left there, I was like not okay, and I woke up

And my jeep fucking humble. I got so drunk because of other people. It's true. That's what I'm telling the stories. Sorry, sorry, sorry I woke up in my bed without pants and was like, I gotta pee Went to the bathroom. You know what already peed apparently You peed the bed. I know I peed Like I get on your walk to the bathroom. This is what I'm guessing happened. Yeah Uh, because it's happened before I go to pee And then lose my balance

You peed on every every Frankie everywhere. That's where I peed Everywhere like around the toilet. I never told you the story. No or like on the walk to the bathroom No, no, like I get to the bathroom when I get to whatever and I pull you pee pee out Yeah, I you know I get there But then as I'm starting to pee I start wobbling you went wobbly wobbly and then I just start fucking squirting I don't stop the pee I am Wow, I didn't know that

I don't think that's the one pissed everywhere. That's the one thing I gotta say I'm really happy about is I'm not a drunk peer and I think my wife is also probably happy Yeah, because there have been nights Where uh, I probably should have pissed the bed and I didn't which hey man I don't like to toot my own horn often because I know I am a genius and just an overall great person But the fact that I have not pissed the bed and joey actually it As of two days ago 15 years since I've thrown up

December 26 2000 and uh, are you kidding me? Yeah, here I am. Oh, no, sorry 13 That's so crazy to me. Yeah December 26 2008, you know the only thing I think 13 years no throw up baby. I made it. Where's my coin? That's kind of crazy. Okay I think uh The only thing that really makes me throw up now as if I get really drunk and like don't eat Then I'll throw up. Yeah, that that makes sense. But like I don't I don't get really like stomach bugs Yeah, there you go That's not true because every like I feel like every year besides last year I get food poisoning

And it's trash. I I gotta consider myself quite lucky knock on wood. I I I think either I don't get sick to the point of throwing up or my body just like figures it out Like it's like we're not gonna throw up. It's like we're gonna do something else. We're something else No throw up though. Yeah, which I'm so happy about because throw up would make me very upset. Yeah I I feel like It's okay Not that I enjoy it. I'm not saying that but I'm saying like to me It's like getting a shot, you know people talk about throwing up like it saves their night

Like they're like, yo, I felt so shitty Bro, it does and then I threw up and I felt so great and I was like that doesn't sound fun Bro, when I had food poisoning, it was legit like my I think I was with you the last time I had it When we went to that axe throwing place. Were you there? I was there when we went Yeah of that night is when I had food poisoning because I went and I was like, oh, I don't want to drink because I didn't feel well and I had a it felt like a fireball in my chest

I was like, what the fuck is going on and then you guys went out afterwards. I was like, yo, I'm going home I don't remember that I went home. This is when I was living alone in the city I went home, bro, and I was I was laying in my bed and I'm like, oh my god Like what is happening and I was like googling trying to find out what's going on because I was like I'm trying to shit and like I can't so then I I see Now it's 5 a.m. Because I can't sleep. It's 5 a.m. And I'm like, oh my god and I started googling and googling and finding all kinds of shit and then I find uh

a Bowel blockage or something like if you have a blockage it could cause this like full feeling And like whatever so I was like, oh shit. Maybe I have something stuck in my Bowels in your asshole. So it's like You know take a warm bath And it'll like loosen the muscles and maybe it'll come out, right? So I'm like, oh, did you shit in the bath? No, I'll get to what happened. Did I first of all didn't shit? shit out of my mouth

Dude, I was laying I went to I took a bath and I'm laying there. I put it hot as I Cooked myself and I'm just like laying there whatever and I was just like whatever I was sweating my ass off And I started to get mad dizzy. So I just like got out and I was laying on my couch and I'm like Yes, here we go And I walked to the bathroom vomited All of it Or like was it like a violent throw up bro like six times in a row

like like Ah A sandwich from this place that I refuse to go to now. I loved it too. Really? Yeah No, you can't eat there ever again ever again um And uh, it's like me with boston market, but I felt so much better than I was like drinking water I was like, I'll let me order lunch. Like I felt amazing after that. That's good. Good for you. No, I uh I don't I don't feel that and like most of the people that I know that say that they feel better

It's when they're like too drunk and they throw up and I'm like, oh good for you. You know, that's great But nope not for me. Uh, I gotta say I'm lucky I really don't get affected by food much. The only thing that really fucks me up is one I'm not eating boston market, which probably good for me because boston market dog. Shit Uh, two. Well the mac and cheese is good. No, no, it's not. Uh, no, no, no No, no, and the the other thing that actually does upset me that I can't have in like mass quantities is um sweet italian sausage That's so specific. That is I think it's just so regular sausage. You're fine. The fatty pork fucks me up

Well, like breakfast sausage. I'm fine You know, like chicken sausage. I'm good. Good to go the pork fat, you know chicken sausage That's actually the last time I threw up really not because of chicken sausage But because that was the only thing I had eaten all day. Oh and then got home and threw up Hard and then I think I also did the pee thing. Oh, that was not a big one No, okay Like I was peeing how many times how many times have you missed literally twice in your whole life? Yeah, okay

I'm just I make sure it doesn't run in the family because Keith pisses the bed like I don't know about recently But like he talked about it. Like it was like a weekly occurrence. No, no, it was but yo I don't think Keith has done that in a very long time. I'm proud of him. But Proud he hasn't pissed the bed as a 32 year old male But no this this has only happened twice because I rarely get that drunk Like my italian is very good And like it would either have to be like a crazy occasion or I just didn't eat and I'm like completely fucked But I remember that also like I was throwing up and uh

And I like stumbled when I peed when I peed I was like, oh I like I I'll be honest. I get very close every night. I get close. I get I get to what to peeing the bed Really? I like I really wait because We're at the place in sleep training ruby where like At like for like the last hour of the morning like from like if she wakes up at seven from six to seven She'll get in bed with us and stay asleep until she wakes up and that's normally when I like I know I have to pee But like I won't get up because if I get up she wakes up if she wakes up

I have to be up with her or she wakes up Becca and it's like it's fucking misery So I get to the point where it's like my my dick gets like in gorge with pee pee It starts like pulsating pulse. Yes. Yeah, and I just wait pinch your dick, which is crazy. I do. I'm a I'm a dick pincher My own my own dick. Yeah. Yeah. I don't pinch anyone else. You pinch the tip of your penis I pinch I I kind of like kink the hose. I kink the hose like but like toward like the middle Bro, it's Danger, it's not smart. Yeah, I think it's very dumb. Yeah, your dick is but I you don't worry about the inside Inside of my dick. Trust me. It ain't great. You don't got to worry about it. Well, that's not what I mean

I mean like not like forget about your penis forget about forget about it, right? Stop thinking about it. Yeah, but like on the inside of your body. Yeah, there's like penis the mechanics The mechanics behind the problem like those all those commercials where I was like, oh, are you an old fuck? Are you gonna, you know, are you upset because your prostate tickles and peas all the time? Like you should probably stop. Yeah, that's gonna be me Yeah, I'm gonna have big time prostate problems probably I wake up at the same time every day shit poop Shit poop. Yeah crazy for you man. That's a good that's That's some that's some rich boy stuff right there. How she's like I've I've mastered being able to use the bathroom once a day at the

Exact same time every single day. Oh, yes. I was like, hey man. Good for you. That's I Yeah, exactly good for you. That's great. Yeah, I wake up. It's usually like it's it's kind of like a shitty time My body is the opposite It'll be like, I don't know I don't know I don't know right now All right, man. Okay. Yeah, no, we're on a clock now when I used to live by myself and like I work at target RIP target's not dead my time working your time with target is it terminated? It's very dead. Yeah

I I had that down to a science or like that. I was like, I woke up the same time every day I used the bathroom went, you know, like buh-buh-buh-buh-buh Now life of kids not me. Don't got it. No more. Yeah Just figure it out the bad guy shooting in a toilet is a bonus. I guess Well, no I've not shit my pants just out in the yard like I could say that no no no There there are times that where I'm like driving down the road and I'm like, I just need to know where the closest bathroom is And like, you know, like the closest concealed area just in case that used to be my life

Well, welcome to me. Yeah, you know, I got rid of it being Frank Alvarez, you know I think once I like legitimately started taking My diet soup because when you're a kid you just eat like yeah everything is I was all I'll eat one Oreo and then a handful of m&m's and like A fucking gallon of milk and pizza. Yeah, like if I did that now, I'd be like my ass would be like no one opened like this And stuff would fall out of it for two hours. Yeah, no wonder we all got fucked up stomachs It's because kids is for lunch. They're like, let me get three bags of gushers a two fucking swedish fish And uh, I see I was like, yeah, we're all fucked up. But like give them actual food. They're fine like babies

Bro, baby's shit pee on schedule. Well, shit at least they pee all the time Yeah, they're pissing because they're eating the most basic shit. All right We have these last two ads here First one being simply safe Frank Scott simply safe came right and I have been very safe and it's simple to set up It is very simple. Uh, so myself With mom I did it myself with miles and he's he was five at the time. So yeah five-year-old did it Uh, simply safe, uh, it has everything you need to make your home safe indoor and outdoor cameras comprehensive sensors All monitored around the clock by train professionals

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Wrapping Christmas presents and I won't do that without wine. Well, yeah, you gotta get drunk doing it. Yeah, what you do not me, right? So I was like cool whining. I was whining myself as you do less no dining just wine Just whining no dining whining and wrapping and um But uh, I I uh I didn't know where because my my dog was me. He's laying on the couch. Yeah, and I'm I look over at my dog and uh I go oh like because it's like almost Christmas his birthday is on the 30th So I'm like happy birthday. Yeah

so I'm like I'm like, oh my god. He's turning six And I'm like, what the hell like where does the time go dog's turning six Bro, you sound like there's a bottle of wine in me by the way A whole bottle and then I go. Uh-oh wait a sec and then legitimately I go yo I can't imagine my life without this dog

Dude, I was inconsolably crying like For real sobbing. I have a picture. Please show me I Bro, you have you have a dog I know you have a child. I have kids bro. They're gonna. I'll live you though. I know I'm pumped Like definitely. I'm pumped. I want I want to I want to die before all of my friends and family Like tell me when like the next person I really care about is gonna go and I'll just be like I'll go right before Look at this photo

Oh You're fucking first of all, why does your wrist look like it has a puss Bro, I was yeah, I don't know bro. I was I was sobbing. I couldn't stop myself Because he's he's so pathetic Like he's so like chart. Like do we have a useless? I know he's not useless But I look at my kids and the same thing every day. I well they are pathetic and useless No, but my other dog is like 14 dude is like not gonna make it out of this year Like it's a wrap. It's like four days left. You think you ain't making it out? I meant 2022 whatever

Oh, yeah, but also if he died Five minutes ago, I wouldn't be surprised at all. Yeah So he's old as hell, but he was always very independent and so I remember Charlie is just like Tell me where to go. What to do and I'm I'm trying to think of my dog Like a part of me doesn't hope that he gets hit by a bus You want to be but it would be a lot easier than him just like laying down and and being old and being like Oh, no, like when you need to make the decision to put him down. That's when it's tough

You know when he when his body or nature just is like, yo, he's dead now. I'm telling you this right now. I'm a great dog father Until you put that decision in my hands I will run this dog into the fucking ground until it's dust because I cannot kill it I can't they can you know, you know what I could do You know what this this should be the service for dogs, right for euthanizing dogs If I tell you like if god forbid like our family dog is very old at some point during this year, I think We might have to you gotta say goodbye. You gotta say goodbye

You can barely walk like it's he's he's fucking blind to shit now like at a certain point it's like come on man You know, you don't want to see the dog suffer but There should be a service where you have someone who's very durable and they go, okay time and I go Okay, just all right fine do it and then you do it and then I could fuck you up Because there's no way that I would not be able to like I'm gonna fight the vet. You're gonna carry the guilt I'm gonna kill this vet. Well, how about like you killed my dog?

What if you just killed your dog like just shot it? I knew someone are you fucking crazy? I do hold on I knew someone that had a family dog uh been with them for years around from our childhood incredible dog And they love to hike so they're like yo like what I want to do is bring them on the hike And then as they're like sitting in their favorite spot just fucking blow their brains out And it was like bro that their last memory. Yeah Did they do that? I don't I can't confirm that they did but I also can't confirm they didn't let's yeah

Let's for real for a second. Yeah, we're going to pretend we're not doing this show. Okay What the fuck is that? There's something honorable about it. You know what I mean like please don't there is there Definitely is something honorable about it shooting your dog in the head, bro The dog is life. You're you are that dog's life. So if in that last moment It's like I'm sitting where I love with the person I love and then it just goes fucking black And then you betrayed him and then you didn't betray him who took his life for him a warrior's ending You gave him a fucking honorable ending. It's a dog. It's a john snow instead of being in a fucking vet Where they're on a cold metal slab. They warm it up looking at you and they're like, oh my god

What is going on? What's happening right now? And then they get fucking injected with some shit. Stop saying that That's what you want. You wouldn't want bro. What's charlie's favorite thing to do piss like a moron Fucking bring him to his favorite pee pee spot. We give him a shot. Oh He's sitting there and he's like I'm with my I'm with my my companion I this is my favorite hydrant to piss on and then fucking black cut to black. That's it He died. He doesn't even realize he dies He goes not realizing that that was the most happiest moment and last moment of his life That's a beautiful his beautiful send off really two things one

The only way that I would shoot my dog is if I was shooting myself immediately after Two That sounds all good and dandy until you realize you've shot your dog in the head and it's dead and there's a dog a dead dog with its brains Just about Well, what do you do with it? You pick it up clean it up clean it clean it out. What am I john wick? I don't think it's a crime to kill your own dog

Well, you can't just go around shooting animals. I if it's your animal. It's for sure a crime I don't know about that. I could just so I bro I could just shoot it or just fucking just take it into the woods. No, whatever fucking no You can say oh Fellow of a cliff didn't make it back Frankie No All I'm saying is that listen as someone that has been through euthanizing a pet Okay, mystique sticky lu. That was a cat. Fuck you. That was a family friend

Little sticky lu mystique our cat we had from 2000 to 2009 We brought her to the vet because she she was all fucked up And she laid on that fucking thing was terrified looked at us Right before the injection went in and just let out a last meow Like she knew she was gone And that was fucking traumatizing Legitimately traumatizing because we had to sit there and then the vet isn't like

The vet goes. What do you want to do with the body? Then not like that my call. No it is They're like, yo, do you want to take it bury it? Or do you want us to fucking do you want us to take it and get rid of it? And it's like, oh, shit. Like you don't know what to do. What do they do? Fucking burn it. I assume throw it in the that's crazy though But I could tell you I could say, you know, it was fucking traumatizing. It seriously was So like if you have the option of giving this dog a happy ending give it

What's chase his favorite thing to do favorite thing? But I don't know. All right, we'll figure it out. You've known this dog for 15 years I Can't I can't go further with this bro. Wait till you have kids first of all, I'm not going to shoot my dog Are you fucking insane by the way? Do you have kids? Seriously wait until you frankly I understand that but at the same time it's different because For whatever reason I'm a fucking idiot and you go into buying a dog knowing I'm this is just going to ruin my life for a good a year

Well, it's also about like, you know Us as a culture often view death as a very somber occasion where a lot of other cultures Whether to the north south east or west of us view it as a celebration of life. Joey, you want to hear some fire shit? I do I don't know where this is But I think it's like, um I want to say Alaskan, but I'm probably making that shit up But when a person is like old and they don't have to be fucked up They're just like old like if you if you're like 82, it's like, all right, bro

You know what I'm saying? You're on borrowed time. Yeah. Oh or 85. We'll say if you're 85 years old in this culture or whatever You just go on a journey By yourself until you die. So you say bye to everyone. Yeah And and this I honestly think this is actually fucking cool Like for real because say you say bye to everyone you have a party or whatever and the last time they see you You're just going out. You don't and you don't know whether when they die You just know you're never going to see them again

Isn't that kind of cool kind of I want the other cool one Which is like put me on a canoe with fucking sticks and soot and just fire a fucking arrow A flame arrow and like a ceremonial pyre. I just want to go out burning on the fucking sea That would be cool. That would be fire and I would want like any like However, many people would show up to my funeral Everyone gets a bow and arrow and a flame arrow and just shoots it like fucking in 300 Or you could do like, you know what they used to do on for death row people is like you get like 13 people in a row

Give them all one round only one of the bullets is live and have them all shoot you and one of them kills you They don't know who why are you so obsessed with shooting your dogs and friends? I'm just saying, you know That's what you should do with chase You your your your mom both your brothers your sister sit you in a line Get guns. You all get a gun Which you'll be there soon the dog Put a live round and one of them and everyone else gets duds and everyone just fires at him One of you guys kill him. You don't know who but he just dies looking at you guys when the guns pointed out

That'd be cute, right? No, it was how do you every one of us wants to go out You watching your loved ones You're looking down the barrel of a gun in front of their face. That's fucking hilarious actually Um, but no, I'm not gonna do that. I think you can do it Bro, I'm not shooting my dog. We had a couple things to talk about today. Didn't get to any of this but Dude, I was I was sobbing bro. Yeah sobbing

literally what you said before of of Of him being like useless. What is like? What has happened an idiot? You know and like not knowing stupid And then I would have to just like be right. Have you seen Marley and me? I can confirm. I've seen an immaculate spoil anything for anybody that has not Dog goes down Uh, we know this but we watch it for jennifer aniston walked out of there with a big other problem Yeah, I walked in I was like, yo golden retrievers and jennifer aniston like two of my favorite things walked out of the place like Fuck everyone. I hated that thing

and uh The scene at the end when he's like talking to his dog When they're about to put I was like And that's all I kept thinking about and I was bro for an hour Just sobbing Yeah, I was like, I feel like an insane and then I was laughing because I'm like fucking crazy. Yeah, bro When you have kids, I mean, I can't I can't say I've done that But when you have kids, it's like worse

because it's like They're human, you know what I mean like dumb dogs dogs are fucking whatever watch it Humans I so I told my sister. She said the same thing. She's like, I do this with Mikey all the time Yeah, like you obviously you're never gonna put down your child. Hopefully knock on fucking wood That would be devastating But like the idea is like, yo like this is like everything now like this is like I I'll just stare at ruby and miles and just be like Yo, like I need to protect them You know what I mean like god forbid like, you know something fucking happens like it's on me, you know

So I'll wait till you have kids You're gonna fucking feel the same way and like I'm sure there are people out there that have kids and some that have pets If there are any people out there that do this with like fucking like chinchillas or anything. Listen, that thing is fucking stupid Uh, it's it'll die sooner than later Chinchillas actually have a long lifespan Davino found that out the hard way I fucking I recently I talked about found out they live 30 years or something recently

I was like, is your fucking hedgehog dead? He goes, well my hedgehog is chinchilla No, it's not. I was like, okay Yeah, no, Davino bought a chinchilla Named it bowser found out I think three years later that it was a girl Yep, and then found out that they live like 30 years. Yeah, they live pretty long and like What was the one that he had that like it's he cry he came to the park crying because his eyes were crusted shut and it was blind or some stupid You don't remember that I want to call him right now, but I can't stand him He he

Had a pet. We were all at the park and he got a call from his mom Said the eyes were crusted yo like your your animal can't see And like he started to cry because his animal had its eyes crusted shut And it was like blinded and it was dying Jesus Christ classic bro. We had birds growing up There's nothing more morbid than a bird going down. I remember when one of your birds died I was there for it because like other pets when they die, they're just oh they look like they're sleeping Birds are like upside down legs in the air dead as shit

Because birds are always like up and like oh, you know, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Oh, he's moving and then yeah, and then when they're dead. They are not dead They're like on the floor like And it's like there's no like that's not how they sleep and their eyes are like sunken in i'm like this bird's so dead Yeah, you guys had like yellow canaries or some shit, right? We had parakeets one of them one of them was light blue and white Her name was molly and she was a fucking bird Bitch. Yeah, hated everyone would bite me all the time Then we had marty, which was marty bird, which was the yellow and green one and red I think

And he was like a cool dude. He was a cool bird one of them I remember I was there one day when it died And it was really I was there with you guys. We were like hanging out and they were like, yo, the bird's dead It was like gotta go. Yeah time for me to go No, I know in the sociopath I am I probably stayed and watched your emotion 100% You know, and I was just like, how are you feeling? Yeah, how is that about your dead family member? Bet that doesn't feel good, does it?

Hey, what are you gonna do? Damn, I don't remember that. I do remember the birds though My sister would let them out to exercise She called it and they would just like fly around the house and like there'd be seeds everywhere My dad would flip out and throw stuff. I remember your dad getting upset about the birds They would always be on those lights on the wall by the tv. The sconce lights. Yeah, they would always be on top of that I'm like, get this fucking bird because like you're trying you're trying to just you know You're trying to watch my dog skip. You don't need a fucking bird flying around. I don't need this I'm about to see a dog get hit by a shovel. Yeah, I don't need that spoiler alert fucking dog gets hit by a shovel in that day

Yeah, if it's a dog survives though, if it does it does. What in the same though first of all Would not survive A grave digger hits you with his weapon if I first of all we saw that for your second grade birthday Your seventh grade your seven year old birthday at a movie theater Yeah, I remember because I cried in the bathroom because I called Bridget gay. Yeah. Yeah, and I Yeah, I cried I cried because of the dog I you cried because I cried because I called my crush gay. Yeah, and I felt very bad about it Right, and that's why I cried right um, which is a natural progression of feelings natural response

What an idiot we are we're a collective idiot. We are one idiot. I like that, you know, probably like 1.3 idiots Fear give or take. Yeah, you are more valuable than me. We did a lot on animals dying this week, huh? We did all that also Keats lizards those all die. I remember Keats lizards being crusted. Yeah, they all like they don't like they get Stale very quick. Yeah, they do they do they don't they don't last like you need to like they're like those like foam animals You need to put them in water and they They suck back up like those those salamanders. They were uh I don't he had a bearded dragon. I remember that was a bigger one, but then he had like the little green ones I forget what they are. I might have been a newt or a salamander. No, they weren't salamanders

Salamanders are different. They're like those are like slimy fucking maybe I don't know but good time bad time to be a pet in your house Yeah, no, we were we were setting them out. They were dropping like flies. They were dropping like flies We also one time Keith won a hermit crab from the fair two days later got out of it. It left our house Oh, you never found it. No might we had two iguanas that we got from our neighbor my cat ate them Fire super ate them. Yeah Yeah, no, we keep Keith named it mrs. Crabtree

The hermit crab. Yeah and uh, my mom came downstairs and she was like mrs. Crabtree got out We were like what by the way, so, you know her crabs don't move very quick No, this must have happened at like 2 a.m. My mom must have threw that into the street. Oh, yeah, that thing was long She's like mrs. Crabtree got out your birds. Mrs. Molly molly or what is the other bird? Did we molly and marty marty that they were hungry? So she was like it's Crabtree. There you go. There you go Yeah, I don't know what happened to mrs. Crabtree, but rip. I assume she's down there in the dirt by now

Can you imagine if she's not if she's like full on like still alive and like big in our house somewhere It's just like living in your house like oh my god, mrs. Crabtree Oh my god, um, but yeah, I think we could wrap it up frank. Where can they find you? But no in this beautiful smoking jacket that my wife got me and then F alvarez 8085 on twitter the frank alvarez on twitter and twitch Instagram and twitch hit me up go check out the patreon patreon.com slash the baseman yard You get weekly episodes a week in advance and then every single friday You get an exclusive episode that only patrons get the opportunity to see so check it out

patreon.com slash a dubbets me ord Yep, and you guys can follow me at joe sanagato Go follow the show at the baseman yard on tiktok and instagram and like he said the patreon patreon.com slash baseman yard and that is all See you guys next time