The Basement Yard - #357 - We Created A Hot Sauce!

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

Joe and Frank discuss the everything bagel hot sauce Joe and Greg created! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going, buddy? Good. It looks like we took up new occupations. I'm a firefighter today. You're a sailor. I'm a mime. You are a mime. Can you do any mime things? No. Can you be in a box? If you put me in one, sure.

Can you pull a rope? I can pull a rope. That's a big mime thing, where they're like... That's right. That's pretty good miming. Not bad, right? Yeah, that's not... I literally just now realized I could do that.

Give me a rope pull. Give me a little. That was really good, actually. Was it? Yeah, that was really, really good. I'm not fucking around. No, you're gassing me up. I'm not gassing you up.

You're fucking with me? No gas in this room. That was very good. Because you didn't... You're fucking with me? I promise you I'm not. Very good. Your hand stood really still.

Holy shit. You could be a mime. I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, you could. I couldn't be. I'd like to talk too much. Yeah, I know. How you doing?

I'm doing well. Today is a spectacular day. It is. Because it is launch day, essentially. Well, launch day was three days ago, wherever this fucking comes out. I got you. Brick and mortar launch day.

Boom. It was a couple of weeks ago. Right. Online sales launch day right now. Bingo, bingo, bongo. Guys, it is official. The hot sauce that I have been working on with Greg for the past year and change or whatever it's been

is officially available now. And the website that you can go to is secrethanshake.shop. And it will redirect you to heatness.com, which will put you right on the page where you can purchase this. We did it in collaboration with this company, Heatness. But it is the world's first everything bagel hot sauce. Go get yourself a bottle right now, or go get a couple bottles, honestly,

because it runs out really fast. Again, it is secrethanshake.shop. Go to that website. It'll bring you right there. Go support the boy. A lot of people don't know this. Heatness, one of the parties behind the popular show, Hot Ones.

Yes. First we feast Hot Ones. Right. Favorite of mine. Favorite of yours. I love hot sauce. You know, I'm a hot sauce guy. I know you are.

And you've had it before, and yours ran out pretty quickly. Yeah, I will say this. It takes me a while. I'll get like three hot sauces, and I keep them in my jar, and I cycle through pretty quickly. It'll take me like, I would say, honestly, a year to go through a whole jar of hot sauce. Not no exaggeration.

That hot sauce, two weeks max. So I've had like a couple of, well, we've had iterations of this over the years, but like over the year. But when we finished it, it was in a bottle, and when I got my hands on it, I put it literally on everything. Just to see how it would taste on everything, and I've had it on pizza, burritos.

I put it on a salad once. Dogs. You threw that bad on a dog. Put it on a dog at your house, dude. That's right. At Frankie's house, they had dogs. I was like, I'm putting this shit on a dog. So I did that, and it's fucking good.

It's honestly, it's good on everything. And like everything bagel, we want it to be like super New York, and we feel like that kind of represents New York in some way. And shit is fucking good. Well, I mean, you know, when you think, first of all, everything bagel, the best bagel that there is, I will go out and say, without a doubt, you know, better than cinnamon raisin.

Put that out there. Is that someone's favorite? I know people that really, really enjoy cinnamon raisin. My sister does that. They're good, but they're not as good as everything. But I will say this, everything bagel, best bagel. And why? Because it's got a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

It's got, it hits all. It's got everything. It got everything. That's it. It hits everything. Also, I brought some wings. Because like I said, I've had it on a lot of stuff. I've had it on a bunch of stuff.

There's ranch in there. Ranch. Toss it against the wall. Toss it right against the wall. Oh, this is perfect, because I get to close it, and we'll just fucking do that. You're going to pour that whole bad boy in there, aren't you? No, I'm not going to pour the whole thing in there.

Fuck it up, Dad. Fuck it up, Dad. No, seriously, I'm not gassing you up just because, one, you pay my bills, and two, you're my best friend in the whole white world ever, and I know that I'm yours, please. And it legitimately hits all fucking quadrants. Like you get your saltiness, you get a little bit of a spice

with, I believe it's scorpion pepper in there. Yeah, scorpion pussy? No, scorpion powder. Powder, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little garlic, a little poppy seed, and then there's a little, like, twang, like, a little, like, hang down, hang down, you know what I'm talking about. A little, like, oh my god, it's that brown band.

And I was so pleasantly surprised. I legitimately did, quote unquote, put that shit on everything to steal the line from somebody else. I just put a ton in here. I put half the bottle in here. Suck it up. Oh my god, the smell.

It's very, very good. It smells like everything bagel, honestly. So wait, so OK, because you were pretty secretive about this, no pun intended. You really didn't talk about it much. I think when it first started, you would kind of let me know that you were, you had something in the works.

But for the most part, hello. Hello, daddy. Hello, daddy. Daddy. Dad, are you back? Dad, are you home yet? No, he's not. It's been so long, dad.

Let's have a wing. You were pretty, like, secretive about it. So, like, where, I guess, why start with a hot sauce? Oh, look at that one. Oh, you grabbed a flat? Oh, I grabbed a flat sucker. So why gave you the idea to start with a hot sauce? I mean, honestly, it was super random.

Do I suck it down? Do I go one suck? You're just going to fucking, like, slam it? You think I could? I mean, yeah. Yeah, get in there. Yeah, fucking up. Oh, wow.

Damn, dude. What's up, bitch? How was it? Very fucking good. This smells fucking crazy. Oh, my god. Did you eat a bone? No, cartilage, but I'm OK.

OK. I'm going to go for a flat as well. Here we go. Honestly, I've had it in a bunch of stuff. My favorite thing to have it on is wings. Oh, I threw it on a bacon, egg, and cheese. Holy shit. For Father's Day, Becca made me a bacon, egg, and cheese

in the morning. But I threw this son of a bitch on there. Holy cannolis. Fucking put it in me. It's just fucking good, man. I'm so proud of this. You can answer my fucking question. Where did the idea for a hot sauce come from?

Fucking cry. You see I'm fucking busy, you bitch? I see you're busy. But you know, give me, I'm in the room, too. It's not just you and the wings and the hot sauce. Dad? Excuse me. Honestly, the idea came because after we did pay the price,

me and Greg, we were kind of looking for the next thing. So we kind of had a handle on that. And it sort of just runs itself at this moment. So we were like, just, we would throw ideas back and forth about a bunch of different things. And then one day he was like, you know, it would be cool if we did a hot sauce or something food-related.

And I was like, yeah, I'm down. Because something with food and something with an alcoholic breadverge I've always wanted to do. And he mentioned hot sauce. And then he was like, I run past this place all the time in Brooklyn, which is the heatness. And they're the ones who curate all the hot sauces for hot ones and whatnot.

So we guessed their email. Like wrote this whole email out. What, you guessed the email? Yeah. Was it, I'm not going to ask what the email is, but you just guessed it. You can kind of guess, like with companies, so it's like at the website.com.

And then you have to guess the name. Like is it their first name? Is it the first and last name? Is it their whatever? First and last initial. We just guessed all this shit. And we wrote out like five different. We wrote out an email with our pitch, basically,

being like we want to collaborate on a hot sauce. This is our experience and places we've worked and what we've created and whatever. So we wrote this whole thing out. And then we sent this to like five different iterations of the email that we thought it would be. And then one of them got back to us and were like, all right, nailed it.

So in the first shot, first shot, we got it. The other ones, they just kicked back to you. But we got it. And they were cool enough to be like, yeah, fuck it. Like let's have a meeting. That's such a like an entrepreneurial, like I woke up and I pulled myself up on my bootstraps every day. And I called every number I can come up with in my head

until someone gave me a job. I mean, we just like, it was an idea. And we're like, fuck it. Let's just see what happens. They didn't have their email on their website. Like for inquiry. So you didn't even check the website. Well, we didn't send it to the website.

We tried to send it to the guy who owns the company. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So we wanted to send to the guy who owns the company. So that's what we did. We guessed that email. But then honestly, you could probably find it. It's probably not hard to find. I'm sure, yeah.

But like we just like were in turbo mode. But anyway, we met with them and we had a beer in the backyard of their office. And I guess they liked us. And they were like, yeah, fuck it, let's do it. And then, so we were super fucking psyched about that. Did you always have the idea to make it something that was kind of like New York based?

Yeah, slam them on. Yeah. Give me that son of a bitch. Did you always have the idea to have it something to be like New York based? Or did it kind of like blossom as you were going through the process? It blossomed immediately after the first meeting

because they were very interested in making sure that like there was some meaning behind why we were doing it, what the name would be, what the company, because we had the secret handshake is the name of like the food company that we had to like formulate in collaboration with them. But like all this had to have meaning to us personally. So after that, we were like, okay,

what do we wanna create that would mean something to us? So that's when it was like, okay, we want it to be sort of reflective of New York. So then. To New Yorkers, you and subtle flex Greg, who just threw in there that he jogs. Guy jogs. And he guy jogs.

And he was like, oh, I just jog on my ninth mile. Past this place. Past this place. But we then, so like we had that idea in our head like, oh, let's make it like New York based. But I was thinking as far as like the look of it, like the name and the, like what the label would look like. Like that's what I was thinking of as far as like,

it being New York based. Like I wasn't thinking of the flavor at that point. Cause I didn't really know too much about the craft. So you were thinking like the pretty like standard, like empire, state building, Statue of Liberty, like some branding. Something more subtle, but yeah. Like the subway logo or, you know,

not subway, the sandwich brand, like the subway, the MTA subway. I knew what you meant. We knew that we wanted to do something like New York based sort of. So we were like, all right. But the first day that we went, cause like this was like,

I think maybe a month or two later, we went to like try a bunch of different sauces. We tried a bunch of sauces that day too. But this time they were trying like the new sauces. So they always like experiment with other sauces and whatnot. And this one, immediately I saw the sauce. I'm like, it's a, it's a strange color. It's like a, a white and gray was like, you know,

some seeds in it and whatnot. Poppy seeds. Yeah. Not for heroin use. Right. It's all vegan by the way. So only vegans out there. Yeah, you like that.

But anyway, we, immediately when I saw the sauces, there was like five of them, five or six. This one stood out to me cause I'm like, what the hell is that? Like the color I was like, what the fuck? And the guys like, open that and tell me what you think it is. So we opened it and immediately I was like,

this is everything bagel. And he's like, yeah, but we tried it and it like wasn't hot at all at that point. And we had to keep going back and forth and adjusting it because then it was like too hot and it ruined like the, the taste of it. We had to dial some shit back and it was a lot of back and forth in that way.

But after that first meeting, I was just kind of like, dude, this is it. Like we wanted something New York based. Like it's everything bagel. We like looked up everywhere trying to find like if it had existed yet or been popularized and it hadn't. And like everyone loves everything bagel. There's like the everything bagel like seasoning

that people put on shit. Bro, that's blown up over the last like three, four years, it's everywhere now. Right. And that's why I was like, this is crazy. That's never been done. And we feel like it has the right amount of spice because it's hot, but it's not hot enough that you're like,

I can't go back to it. Well, that's, that's the thing that I always look for in a hot sauce because again, I try, I love to try a bunch of different hot sauces. Part of it is because of the flavor. And part of it is also the pride in me when I'm like, wait, what the fuck? Yeah, I can do this.

I got it. I got this son of a bitch. For instance, when we would go to Hooters, I would order 911 wings, trying to show off to the Hooters girls. Never worked, not a single time. But something I look for in hot sauces that I have is like, is there a good balance of flavor and heat?

Because there are some hot sauces that are delicious, but have absolutely no flavor. I'm not, I mean, no heat. I'm not going to give anyone a plug here, but like, you can literally drink it like a cup of it. And you're just like, yeah, it tastes good, but like, it doesn't feel like it's a hot sauce. It feels like it's just kind of like a fucking dressing,

you know? Where I remember the first time that you gave me that, the first thing I said was like, bro, you instantly, you get all the flavors, you get the spice and the spice lingers a little bit, but you're not fucking gasping for air at the end of it. You know? And that's what I think is,

everyone now wants to make the hottest thing in the world. You know, Carolina Reaper fucking chips, and you know, which go check out the Patreon, we did an episode on it, I'm not gonna plug it in right now, because it was Joey's time, but I'm saying like, everyone wants to make the hottest fucking thing in the world,

and they're losing out on flavor. And that is fucking delicious. And again, not gassing you up. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't be talking it up like this. It's good, it's spicy, and it pairs well with almost anything, you know? Yeah, I fucking love it. It's very, very good.

Wait, so wait, I have a question. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Can I learn the secret handshake? Is there a secret handshake? No. K-Fabe, bro. There's a logo. Yeah, I see, and it's like K-Fabe.

K-Fabe, Joe. No, it's like, so they came up with it. Originally we had some other shit. You're crossing your wieners. Yo, at one point. What? Woo! Give me another one of them bitches.

Don't you fucking close that up on me. You can't bring wings and put that hot sauce on it and not expect me to fucking sluck them down. You know what the problem is? I have chapped lips right now, and it's getting in my chapped lip. What do you get for fucking sucking the dead? It's still hot.

Yeah, you got ya. You want some water? I got some water down here. Do you? Yeah. No, okay. We saw that there was a suck part on it, and you didn't want any of it.

What was it, what were you just gonna say? Oh, the handshake. So that part of the label here on the front, it says secret handshake food company. If you know, you know. And that says everything bagel hot sauce by heatnest. Medium heat. But this handshake like fucking logo or whatever.

We had a bunch of different iterations of that. And at one point, I forgot what it was, but it was like something about dicks. Like I forgot, I was putting... That's a very phallic secret handshake. Well, no, it wasn't that one. It was a different one. And then they were like, oh, it was like this.

Oh yeah, that's... It was just two fists like this. So it looked like jerking off a dick. Yeah, you were begging to jerk someone off. Yeah, so we sent it. We were like, you know, these are kind of like some, could you sound like a bunch of like hand signals or whatever? Yeah, you were throwing bees up, seas up.

Right. Pimps up, hose down. Pimps up, hose down. Right, so we were throwing like a bunch of stuff at them seeing like which one they liked. And then this one, I was like, I don't mind this one. They're like, well, that one looks like, you know, and I was like, oh, wow.

I'm like, it looks like you're jerking off a dick. Can't have that on there. Yeah, and they couldn't say that out loud. They got probably HR reps that are making sure that they're not saying anything inappropriate. Yeah, so this is a... But yeah, we're super proud of this. It's been a long time coming.

That's really great, man. Seriously, congratulations. That's really awesome. I know you guys did the launch party a couple of weeks ago in Brooklyn. Sorry, I wasn't able to make it. My stupid kid at his stupid birthday. Kidding, he's not stupid.

His birthday is, no kidding. But that's really great, man. You're really doing it. So here's the question. Yes, what's next? Next, we fuckin' try to get this in every fuckin' restaurant, every, everything. You try to sell us that Walmart target.

Target first. Take over the world. You know what I'm saying? Imagine, that's great. I really think that people will enjoy this. And the bagel, the sauce was sent to a couple of people already that I have no idea who they are.

But they got it and they made like stories and saying that they really liked it. And I was like, oh, fuckin' awesome. And then also anyone, it was like open to the public for people to come to, did at Brooklyn Brewery, like the first Tasters party. And everyone tried the sauce and they said they really liked it.

My barber even like hit me up that night because he came to the party and he was like, I need another bottle. He was like, we finished it at dinner. Yeah, dude, I swear to God, I brought it home and I go to Beck, I was like, you need to try this. You try this, he was like, that's good. I was like, we cooked chicken thighs that night

with some vegetable, broccoli, whatever. My chicken thigh was 90% hot sauce, 10% chicken because of how fuckin', and it goes quick, man. It goes really, really quick. So I would recommend definitely getting a bottle, telling us, leaving reviews and then get more. Honestly, get two bottles at least, because it runs. See, we already fuckin' ran through half this bottle already.

And also it's like something, I don't know, I try to, I don't know what, all right. So I'll tell you guys what's in it. There's canola oil, garlic, water, distilled white vinegar, lime juice, poppy seeds, sea salt, onion flakes, black sesame seed, sesame seed, mustard seed, white wine, hello, white sugar, turmeric,

sesame oil, scorpion powder, and citric acid. It's vegan and gluten-free. And I don't know which part of this makes me feel this way, but you know when you like eat one Pringle, and you're like, well, how am I? I need another Pringle. Right, it has that effect on me. I'll be honest, in the past have not been

a gigantic hot sauce person. Like it's not like I'm just like fuckin' crushin' sauce. Yeah, no, I get that. I love, I'm a sauce, I'm a sauce and dip boy. So if there's a sauce and or dip around, I'm gonna overdo it. But I'm gonna taste a little first, raw. You know, cause you gotta taste it raw first,

you gotta see what it is. Raw. But you're right, there's something about it that keeps it kinda coming back and. Like when I was eating burrito. I think it was really nice, oddly, and it's my turn to talk. Yeah.

I think shady, because I have a very refined palette as we've discussed multiple times in the past. Haven't. The turmeric is really nice, because a lot of people don't really have or know what turmeric is, and they don't realize the flavor profile to it, and it's really prominent in there,

works really well with the garlic, with the vinegar, which personally, vinegar-based hot sauces are my favorite. And that's a good bitch. That's a good little bottle of bitch. This is a good bitch. Again, the website is secrethanshake.shop. It'll redirect you to theheatness.com, where you can buy this.

Go get a couple bottles. And while you're online, while you're there. While you're online. While you're online, you can go check out Patreon. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, in order to get more of us. Hey, do you like us? There's more of us on the internet,

if you look hard enough, and guess what? I'm not even gonna ask you to look that hard, I'm gonna tell you where to look. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, it's our Patreon account. If you like to support us, support the show, support me, support Joe, that's where you can go and you can do it.

You sign up for our Patreon, that first tier, guess what? You get these weekly episodes a week in advance. Get in on the conversation, the jokes, everything that we talk about, a week before everybody else. A week before the people that can't be on the Patreon, for whatever reason, we don't judge them, we don't hate them, but we don't feel great about them.

I'm kidding. And then that second tier, well, that's where you get those exclusive episodes, where you get every single Friday, baby. Friday, 7 a.m., you get exclusive episodes that are a little wrong to your little naughty, or a little horny, or a little wet, or a little sluttier, I would say.

You got any more adjectives? I got a couple more, if you really want me to go, but just make sure you go check it out. Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard, we're creeping above 11,000, which we love to be at. We get to 12,000, we have something in store for you guys, we won't tell you what it is, until we get really, really, really close

to help you guys push you over. So go check it out, Patreon.com slash The Basement Yard. Thank you. I was like, you, I'm getting good at that. Pretty much. I think I could do an ad read, but I would also be too nervous. You know, I'd be like, better help.

Don't mess that up, I'd be like, better help. So yeah, that's my baby. That is your baby. Congrats on your baby, Joe. Thank you so much. You now have a dog and a hot sauce. You basically have your own children. Exactly.

Yeah, so where do you go from here? If not, well, you already have your own kids, so you don't need any more. I have my hot sauce, I have my dog. You have your dog. Which your hot sauce wakes up crying in the middle of the night, right? No, no, no, no.

Your dog definitely does wake up in the middle of the night crying. No, the other day though, he woke up and he threw a bile on my pillow though. I heard about that. You were on Xbox and then you did the good old classic Joe Sanagato, Irish Goodbye. Dude, I was throwing up.

I'm not saying you were wrong in this situation, but quite classic of you. What happened? He's on antibiotics. Oh, all right. He had like a hot spot. I know what hot spots are, yeah. Yeah, on his paw.

So I gave him some antibiotics, but I guess he didn't eat enough that day and he makes him sick. We're a dumb idiot. We're a little dumb idiot. He's all right. He's all right, he'll live. He will live.

Hot spots don't tend to be fatal. Give him some of that hot sauce, see how he reacts. I don't know about that. He's really fucking good, man. I'm so happy with this. You should be, man. Honestly, be proud of yourself. That's really, really great.

Good to see you're doing things from your childhood friend. What? I could have said that like you were writing a handwritten letter from your childhood friend, Frank. I'm your pen pal from fucking, you know, Timbuktu. I had a pen pal in third grade, you remember?

I remember you told me about him. Her, bro, she was an Asian girl from China. Asian girl from China, yes, that's right. A Chinese girl from China. Well, yeah. I'm assuming Chinese. It's quite possible. She could have been to some other.

I think it's a safe assumption though. I would say there's like two billion people there or something like that. So I think it's safe to say that they are probably Chinese. I'm going Chinese, but the house on Chinese. I mean, technically though, if you were born in Canada, you'd be Canadian.

So if you were born in, you know what I'm saying? Huh. So if she was born in China. Wait, if I was born in China. Am I Chinese? Technically. Are you though? I would say so.

I mean, you could say your family has descent elsewhere. Like I am American, but I am also of Colombian, Greek and Egyptian descent. Right, but. I'm American. If my, if I have two just plain yogurt, white parents. Yeah, imagine.

And they live in China. Yeah. For like four years. Yep. And you're born there. Year one, they shbang. Yeah. And then I'm born.

Yep. And then I do two years there and then I move back to the States. Not how math works, but yeah. I'm Chinese. I would say so. Yeah. I mean, cause you're a Chinese citizen.

That's far. That's kind of sick, right? I've always wanted to go and check out China, Japan, Korea, the good, the good Korea. Not the one that people aren't so pumped about. Hey man. You never know who's watching. We're not going to say which Korea.

I'm not. But there's one. There is one. There is a Korea. That we're a little on the fence about. We're not going to point fingers, but one of the Koreas. One of these.

I don't know which one, but it is one of these. It's 50-50. You make the determination for yourself. We have a favorite Korea. We do. We've had this conversation. Confirmed. Have a good favorite Korea.

We have a favorite Korea. Which one is it? Who knows? God knows. I am not going to sit here and provide any details on which Korea is the preferred Korea in the household of Alvarez. But one of them is probably more favored than the other.

By a bit, I would say. I've always wanted to see that Korea. Right. You know. Hello. We tap-dance the long album. I wonder, do you think we have any listeners in China and or Japan?

I'm sure. That'd be pretty cool. At least one. I would say one. I'm sure there's a bunch of whites in Japan. I know a Japanese kid who recently was like, I forgot where I was, but I was talking to this guy and he's from Japan.

But he was born in Japan. Was here most of his younger life? It's called childhood. So you know. But I think he was like 12 to 20. So is that childhood? I would say childhood is like fucking- Formative years.

Bingbang. So that- Why don't we say that? Because we mean when your balls drop for men. For women. When do your balls drop? Honestly, I think mine were like 12, 13. Also, wait.

This is gonna be a stupid question. I'm sure it will be. I'm ready. You know how they say like, oh, your balls drop. Do your balls drop? Yes. So they're always up at one point? Yeah, they're like hanging out at home.

They're like birds in a nest. But when I get cold, my shits are up. Yeah, they go back every now and then. It's up and it's stuck. Just like Cardi B. Think of it like a bird, a baby bird. They spent the first couple of years in the nest. They don't wanna leave.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Then when it's like, yo, I can do this on my own, they fly away. You know that's not how that works, right? I think it is. The mother bird kicks the fucking babies out. That's why you see dead birds on the ground. Cause those motherfuckers are like little bitches

who don't know how to fly. They don't fly, bitch. Some fighters are trying to teach you, do it. That's a great song. And then, you know, when they need, when they're not feeling so hot, they go home for the comfort. You get what I'm saying.

That's how balls work. Yeah. I didn't know that balls like actually like, like I don't remember the day I looked in the mirror and been like, oh, shit, my shits are dangling. I remember they, it was not like a one day they're there, one day they're fucking living in the basement, you know? From what I recall with me, it was a gradual thing.

It was like- A gradual drop. Exactly. You know, like a little, they were a little lower every, every, every, every day. And then finally, they just kind of reached their peak descent. Do you have hanging balls?

They're a good pair. I wouldn't say- But do they, like you have a swingy balls? I mean, if I'm walking around naked with my legs open, but like- That makes you a question. Never doing that. If you hold your penis, right?

And you start going like this. Naked. Did you catch your balls in your ass? Well, without a doubt. Really? Yeah, can you? Dude, I don't know if I could do that. It would have to be really human.

Well, remember they- When I was human, my shits are down there. Well, I don't mean to be insensitive because I don't know if there's another term for it though. But remember when guys would do the thing, the manjina, where they would like flip their dick and balls and they catch it in the back and then they fucking quit? Yeah, I could put my dick back there.

Yeah, I mean, you could do that. Yeah, but I don't know if I could fit my balls. My balls would have to stretch pretty far. I mean, they're not going in my asshole, Joey. Am I saying they're going in your asshole Frank? There's a lot of real estate. There's plenty of fucking countryside from here to Kansas.

You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. You would have to travel that far. I don't know if there's that much gas in the tank. I believe I can do it. I'm pretty confident you can too. I mean, I'm gonna try it now. We have one friend who's got a set of balls on him dude.

He's got a pendulum grandfather clock type nut sack. He has a pair of balls that honestly, not a joke. Like, like, do your chain hang, do your balls hang low? Did they wobble to the floor? They do wobble to the floor. And they hang low? Yeah, they do. He could tie him in a knot, in theory.

Yeah, I think he could. You know what I remember about you from puberty? With the game, what? You know what I remember about you from puberty? Yeah. You had some puffy fucking nipples. I did, yo. I had such fat nipples.

You had fat nips for a minute, too. I think I still kind of have fat nipples. I might have that kind of, whatever that is. I think I have titty nipples, too. Like, I don't have like... Some people have them bad. Like, I don't have them that bad. Well, there are people that like...

They have to get surgery. They have to get surgery. And I also think that's as a result of people that take like, performance enhancing drugs. Like, you can get like, basically like, sucky nipples. No, maybe, maybe, maybe. I think so. But you're, a lot of people are born with that.

Like, some dudes just have like, these fucking fat ass nipples. Maybe they're born with it. Maybe they're huge nipples. The Rock had fat nipples. The Rock, but he's got big nipples. No, no, no, no. He had fat nipples.

Really? Yeah, he got surgery, bro. It's called gynecomastia, something like that. Oh, I don't know. You're saying a lot of words. But it's like, there's fat in your tits as a guy, right? Yeah. Then they go in, they take the fat out.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I know that. The nipples, bro. Not your tits. Bro, I know what you're saying. And I'm on the same fucking pages. I'm saying the Rock had fat nipples. We know he had fat nipples.

And then they surgically got rid of the fat nipples. Joey, we've seen this guy shirtless for 30 years now. I think I can confidently say he has fat nipples. He doesn't anymore, is my opinion? I know. I remember when he had fat nippies, I believe. That's what I was waiting for. You were doing everything as if it was like this the whole time.

No, no, bro, we got rid of the fat nipples. Joe Sanagato fucking, you didn't have fat nipples. You had fucking puffy nipples. Yeah, I had budding nipples. You had nipples that looked like they just ate peanut butter. And they had an allergy. They fucking. That's what my nipples look like?

That's what your nipples look like. I remember because they were so puffy. You know, like the actual nipple? Yeah. You know, the eye of the storm? Of course. Your nipples were so puffy, it went over that. You're bugging.

Nope, I remember. I'm telling you, I remember. You had puffy nipples to the point that like the. I didn't have inverted nipples. Not inverted, but they were so puffy that it was like a fucking donut, basically. Your titties look like you had little donuts on them. You're playing this out for the camera.

I'm not playing anything up for the camera, Joey. I remember your nipples at age 13. OK, I do remember having fat tits. And it's OK. I had fat tits for a while too. I remember one time I was chafing for my boob and I was like. For my boob. And I remember actively thinking.

Yeah. Like I'm lactating because I didn't know. But you thought you were lactating because what you thought you were spraying milk out of your 13 year old nipples. I was wearing a football jersey with no undershirt. Right. Which is a big problem if you got nipples. Yeah, yeah.

So anyone. Which, yeah, everyone does. Sometimes. Sometimes. I remember one day I was like, I kept doing this on my shirt. I was like, what the fuck? Because it felt like there was like a, like I felt raw. You thought you were like pregnant or something?

I was like, yo, what the fuck? And I took my shirt off and I started squeezing them. And I was like, am I lactating? And like there was like a little like, I wouldn't say liquid, but like there was moisture. Damn, you had some liquid secreting nipples? Yes. At like 13.

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So get to it. Get to it. Yeah. And now that we've gone over my baby, again, secrethanshake.shop, go get a bottle or two. Honestly, whoever buys 10 bottles in one shot, let me know. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to know. Actually, that's a ton of hot sauce.

Don't do that. Five bottles, five bottles, five bottles. I mean, you can give him out as presents. That's what I plan on doing. I plan on buying a bunch and giving it to members of my family. Ah. See that?

Give it to your dad. Don't tell him I did it and see what he says. I am. My dad likes you. I don't know why you think he doesn't. Yeah, your dad hasn't smiled at me since I was. One. Welcome to the club, Joe.

My dad doesn't like hot sauce. And his wife is, I think, allergic to peppers. Perfect. So would be a bad day if I gave him. That is not my demographic. Yeah. But yeah, listen, whatever you think. Personally, if you have any foodies in your life

that like hot sauce, there are some hot sauce fiends out there. Yeah, there is. And I always like trying something new. If you know any people in your life that do, get a phone. Yeah. But yeah, since we talked about my baby, someone else has a cute little mind, little boy. That's right.

We are having another child. Frank's a three time pop-up. Baby number three on the way. I still got it. I think that was the part. I always wonder, like, are my balls just going to quit today? And they didn't. Didn't quit.

Worked a bit of overtime. Wow. Yeah, you know, they proved their worth. And just good to know that things are still like. At least, now I know for sure that you've had sex twice. At least twice, because one of them is my stepchild. Right. And the other two were confirmed sexes with my wife.

Yes. No, but I'm saying. How would they, how would that work? No, I was going to say, you know, it came from Jizz. What else would have come from prayer? No, I mean, well, technically. Technically, it all comes from prayer, Frank. You know what?

You are right. It's all, it all comes from prayer. But yeah. If you were going to list stuff off, it all comes from prayer. I was, I had a couple more, but I was like, you know what? Let me not upset the Christians today. So excited. What's the, what's the date?

January 7th. As of right now, we announce it to the world. Ooh, January 7th. We have our friend Espos on January 4th. That's his birthday. Nice. Of course he says name at Stephen. Yeah.

One. Do you know the sex? We do, Joe. Gender is a construct, so is sex. No, yeah. We're having a girl. Nice. Yeah.

We did a, we, we, you know, we did a little. That's a good name for a girl, Stephen, right? Yeah. We did a little gender reveal to, like amongst us, where we went to a baker. They had, we had him fill a single cupcake with the color filling. I hate that one.

Thanks, man. And we had Miles bite into it. Bite into it? Yeah. It was the lightest color of, like, filling ever. So I was like, oh, I was like, oh, great, a girl. You know why I don't like that one? Because I feel like when you cut, because over it's the cake.

Well, abiding into it, that's different. Yeah, that I'm cool with. It was a bite. That I'm cool with. I approve. You're allowed to have the baby. That's all right, cool. At least you like it.

No, but when people do the cake. You see it on the, on the cake. You see it on the knife. You ruin it. You see it on the knife. You need an explosion or something crazy. You need an explosion, something crazy. Yeah.

Like these people. You guys did the balloon that one time? That was cool. Did a balloon safely indoors. Was a bit of a cleanup. But like these people that are doing the ones in fucking California and starting wildfires that tear down millions of acres of land.

Oh yeah, what were they doing? Well, it was like a gender reveal. And they like lit off like a fucking firework that started a fire and then it wiped out like a quarter of the state's wildlife. People got to know this to gender. Yeah, right? Just like, I need to know if it's a boy or girl

and it would burn down this entire fucking state to figure it out. Yeah. But I think there's a fine lot. Yo, also I get it. You play baseball. So like, you know, whatever. Big risk though.

Yeah, because if you miss that ball, you're risking it. Yeah. And also just bad omen for the chai, for the child. What, like you're smacking them in the back? Swinging a miss? That's how you're going to start? You're going to start with a fucking strike? That's my brother.

Yeah, but he hit it. And Julia did, but he hit it exactly. The good thing he, if it was me up there, I would have missed. I would have, bro, too much pressure. That's a lot of pressure. Yeah, I couldn't hit fucking leading off with zero, zero. You mean this is bottom of the ninth? Two outs, fucking basing.

What would you do? What would be like your way of doing it? Would it be like a little, like one of those poppers, like poop? Probably. Yeah. Something like that. But you know those people who are like they deadlift

and they fucking drop it and it's like smoke. Bro, I love how men are like coming, trying to come up with the most like hyper masculine ways of figuring out the gender of their child. Where exactly, like they'll be like, all right, they're going to deadlift and then drop it on a fucking balloon. Or they'll like curl something and when they get to the top, it fucking pops.

And it's like, bro, just a little something. You don't need to do that. I honestly think I only like the popper gender reveal because it's the only one that's like, whoa, you know, like people do like the balloons in a box. But like you open the box and you can see it before they go start flying. Like I hate that.

Sometimes, I mean, my sister and Danny did the box for their first kid. Was I there? Yes, you were there. And I think it worked. Oh, was that at your mom's? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that worked. I didn't think that that went south. But there are some that are out there that are getting super creative. Maybe like you put dye in like a champagne. Just fucking spray it. Oh.

Have you fucking spray it? Just got like red or blue champagne or pink or blue. Because I'm an alcoholic. That's right. Absolutely. Well, you know. But that would be cool. And we're officially going to be outnumbered.

Yeah. Which is like the thing. Yeah. I mean, you could beat up all the kids anyway. I think I can. I got to say though. Sorry. Yeah.

Hiccup. Miles is tough. Yeah. He's a tough little bastard. Yeah, but you could really hurt him. If I needed to, I think I could. He strikes me as a, you know, some people like Espos like this, where it's like they just feel hard, kind of.

No, Miles is tough. Like just like the bones. Like they got hard. They got sharp bones. Yeah, like he's dense. Miles is lean. He's muscular. No, I'm not saying.

I'm saying he's got no fear. I don't know if I've ever told this story. We were sitting at dinner one day. And we were playing around. We were trying to get him to eat. We were like, Miles, come on, eat. And he would eat and stop, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I put my hand down like that.

And he jokingly went like this, like hit me on the back of the hand. I was like, you know, jokingly, I was like, OK, go again. And he did it again. I was like, another one. He did it another like once or twice. And I was like, if you do it again, I'm going to do it. And he fucking cocked back and bang, did it again.

I was like, all right, put your hand down. He went, I was like, all right, you ready? And Becca's sitting there. She's like, what? I was like, I got this. And you put a knife through his hand. Bro, I cocked back. And I fucking go, wha!

And I stopped within a hair of his hand. And he didn't fucking flinch. He was just like, damn, emasculated your shit. He did. I felt pretty small that day. That's crazy. But that was before. You cried in the shower that night.

Before Ruby and the current pregnancy. Yeah. So my balls at least still worked. Yeah. You know. Thank God. But now, do I snap, snap it? You're going to cut off the supply?

I don't know. Do I? I don't know. Do I pull the root from the, you know, do I pull the weed from the root? You want to turn your dick off. I want to, yeah. I want to fucking, I want to become like a cool wiener.

Like I shoot blanks. You'd think it's dangerous, but like it's only there for show. That's cool. Well, let's be clear. My penis is nothing for show, OK? But yeah, just like, but yeah. Think about like, you know what's cooler than real guns? Toy guns.

I don't know. That's true. I think so. Like, depends if you ask a Texan. What's cooler? Well, if I ask a Texan, they'll tell me some wild shit. Yeah.

What's cooler, a real gun or a paintball gun? Honestly. You want my real answer? Yes. Probably a real gun. No, no, no. No, because a real gun, you shoot someone, you're in big time trouble.

Obviously not to shoot a person. What are you going to do with it? I'm just talking about like, when you go to the gun range and you shoot a sniper rifle, that's awesome. It is. What are you going to do? Someone breaks into your house, you're going to pull out a fucking sniper rifle?

Stop. Move 40 feet back. You're way too close for me. I think like a toy gun is cooler than a real gun because toy guns you can use. Yeah, but toy guns can get you hurt by a real gun. They can if you're being irresponsible. If you're swinging around.

Do you know that speaking of toy guns, oh my god. I have a story too. Go ahead. My dad went through this phase where he was like, he bought a RV. I remember that phase. It was a gigantic thing. I saw it, I remember.

Drove it to my apartment from fucking North Carolina. And I go in it. And honestly, they're fucking cool. Yeah, that thing's awesome. That one wasn't cool because it was like not new. It was old, yeah. But like, whatever, it was kind of dope. But then he was like, look at this.

And this is for a moment, I had two things in my head because my dad had this bucket next to the driver's seat. And he goes, look at this. And there was a seat that just turned around 360, right? Goes into the bucket. Cool seat. Cool seat. Reaches into the bucket and pulls out a fucking gun.

And it was at that moment that I was like, my dad's finally going to kill me. You know? In that moment, I was like, here's where he does it in this car. I've waited for this day. Yeah. Or I thought he's going to kill himself.

So I was like, one of us is going down here. Or the calm before the storm. Or a double, yeah, a double wham, maybe, maybe, maybe. But he was like, I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, what the fuck? And he's like, it's fake. And then he starts pulling the trigger or whatever. And I was like, what are you doing?

Why do you have that? He's like, to scare people away. I'm like, that's how you get shot in the face. No, that's smart. I mean, you need to do that. I don't know, bro. No, that's smart. Especially he lives down in North Carolina.

I was always taught, you don't pull unless you're ready to shoot. Well, yeah, you need to be ready to be in the mindset. You need to be in the mindset. No, because it's a deterrent. Most guns are used as a deterrent, Joe. Yes, but at least they have the option of working. Because if you pull out this gun so they get scared,

they pull out a gun and you have a fucking, bink, bink, what are you going to do? You just pointed at them. This is what I'm saying, bro. If I have a gun and you point a gun at me, do you think I'm going to run away? If I have a gun, I'm going to pull it out and shoot you. Well, yeah, you're going to run away

if I get the gun out before you do, because you reach for that gun. You think I'm going to blow your fucking brains out. I think if I run away, you're going to shoot me. If I don't have a gun, I'm running away. No, if you run away, then you're running away. That's the point of the gun, is to get the person to run away. I'm aware of what the point is, but I'm saying,

people who have a gun, I feel like they're going to be like, I'm pulling this out. I got to kill this guy because he's got a gun on me. It could be. I mean, quite possible. I can't put myself in the mindset of every gun owner in America. Well, the RV lasted like a month,

and he didn't kill me or himself. Well, that's good to hear. Not yet, at least. That's good. Yeah, there's still time. There's still time. When I was in middle school, I think it was like seventh grade or eighth grade.

We were reading fucking Catcher in the Rye, which, by the way, cool American classic. One of the most boring fucking books in the world. Yeah, you know, I passed all the tests for that in high school, and I never read a page. Do you know that I copied a homework from someone? You know how they'd be like, read chapter nine and then answer these 10 questions?

The morning of that, like when that was due, I copied someone's homework, and they gave me the wrong answers for every question. That's fine. Like, completely off. Completely off. Like, just random. Like, holding Caulfield, like, decided to play as a clown.

Yo. And they were like, what the fuck? I got to zero, and the teacher was like, what the fuck did you read? And I was like, I don't know. In the chapter? Yo, one time, sorry to cut you off. Yeah, no, you don't care.

No, I don't. There was one time in high school where a test like that, I would try and copy off of someone if I didn't know the answer to something. So I was trying to read someone's paper, but I'm like, you know when you try to look, but not look, and your fucking brain is just like, chill. Like, it like hurts.

It hurts, it hurts, yeah. And I'm like, looking, and I write down an answer. And I must have read something that this person did not write, because it was like the same deal. It was like completely off. And my teacher just like axed out the whole thing and wrote, what? Yeah.

Of my test, I was like, fuck. Yeah, I, oh man, when I was. She had to have known I was cheating. Oh, 100%. I mean, you know, there's no way to think that you weren't cheating. How did you cheat when you were in high school? Like, what was your move? I didn't honestly, I wasn't a big cheater in high school.

I was a big homework copier. But everyone cheats. I, of course, cheated in my life. At some point, like, but were you like one of these? Like, you were like, I was one of these. I was one of these, like. Oh my God, hands up, way too much. I know it was attracting attention.

Yeah. But I would also look up and close my eyes. So they would think like, oh, he's just, he doesn't want to get caught cheating. I would do this. Like, I would cover my eyes and then I'd just be like, yeah. That's, oh, that's really good. You slippery little bitch.

Because no one, no one like itches their eyes and faces forward. They like look around. It's just like, I'd be like, they're doing one of these. I'm sure there have been like super creative ways. You know one of these? Do my hand? Do your hand? That's a good one.

That's a good one. I, at least on one occasion, faked like snotting into my hand. Remember when kids would do that in elementary school? Oh, you'd be like. To like walk up and go and like on the walk, I'd be like. That's good. You know, it's like looking around. But girls usually put answers in their titties.

Another benefit to being a woman. They got so much better than us. I know, especially all the white ones. Yeah. I've seen some really, really interesting ones. Someone once printed a replica of the old Snapple labels on the glass bottles and put answers on the nutrition facts.

Wow. Genius. That's a little crazy. Absolutely genius. Yeah, and then I've also seen one where you ever have one of those tests where it was like, you can bring a cheat sheet, but it's whatever you could fit on an index card.

And someone will literally write in microscopic details to fit basically a whole fucking answer key on. I've never seen that like bring your own cheat sheet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there are ones that I, classes I took where it was saying like you can, you have this, a single index card, a fucking five by seven or whatever it was, a smaller, I assume. You can use that as a cheat sheet, but nothing else.

So whatever you could fit on there, you're good. And I was like, all right, I've seen people that wrote. So could you think about it? Like you just put like a couple like key words or equations or whatever. People wrote so small, they basically wrote out like the whole fucking answer key on their index card. That's weird.

I would put, I would tape like formulas or whatever into my like TI-83 calculator and like just put my- I was so good with, I had a TI-84 because I was cool. I was so- I don't know which one I had. Do you have the older one or the cooler one? I don't know. Was it like blocky looking or like was it like curves to it?

What? Nevermind. But I was so good with those calculators that there's ways to store information in them. Yes. Like you can store like as a function, you can store like, hello, my name is Frank. And if you type in like F1 or something,

it'll fucking put it on the screen. Yes, I remember that, yeah. I used to do that shit all the time, dude. But what I was saying before when we were talking about the toy guns, when I was in seventh grade, we were reading Catcher and the Rye. And I think there's a point in the book or it might have been another book where there's a gun.

So each group, like each table had to act out a scene from Catcher and the Rye and we did the one with the gun. And I don't know how I got away with this. In hindsight, I should have been fucking shot in the head. Those little pop guns? Yeah. Remember the ones that you'd put the rolls in that you'd squeeze in and clap?

Like a little revolver. Yeah, exactly. I painted it black and brought it into school. Like a fucking 1950s cop. Yeah, basically. And I was like, I brought it into school as a prop for the thing. And no one questioned it.

No one, like this was fucking 2004 or 2005. People weren't really doing that. Yeah, I mean, it's not as unfortunately prevalent as it now, but I remember. Columbine. 1999. Was it? Yes.

No, I believe you. I just, I remember no one fucking batted an eye. And like in hindsight, looking back on it, never look back on something you didn't, it should be like, that's fucking insane that I didn't get hurt, die or get arrested. That's one of those situations where it's like, bro, I should have gotten all three of those.

Yeah, I got a lot of moments like that. You've been there for one of them. Which one? Not in this state. Not in Connecticut either. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. That was a whole big jail job. That should have went down.

A jail job? Yeah. I don't know how it was, but a jail job. I mean, you should have gotten abducted, if anything. And fucking your organs sold. Now I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about a kid job. Oh, when I was drunk in Vegas.

Yeah, that's what I thought you were referencing. Oh, no, no, no. I was talking about, it was like 2012. Oh, okay. I think I know the other one. I think I know which one you were referencing. That was the one where I was like, I should have been. But in Vegas, yeah, no.

I mean, honestly, it was a miracle that I made it back to our hotel room that time. Yeah, I guess we're not telling the Miami story. Or have we spoken about that Miami story? Not about you, I'm saying the Miami story. What is the one? Outside, so not your story. Yours is separate.

I'm saying the one, the other one. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. We don't want to be canceled yet. Not about, I don't think that would be a canceled one. It's just like... Fair enough.

I don't know. Let certain stories die. The other one was just, that was a crazy one. But neither here nor there. Neither here nor there. We're out, our father's having killed us. That's right, not yet. There is still time.

Your security guard didn't kill you. Do security guards at schools have guns? I don't, like the truancy officers? I don't think so. We should probably beat you with a flashlight or something. I remember, I was, bro, I was so cool with all of mine. Like, we were like fucking like boys. Me too.

In middle school, I was cool with them. Our janitors used to help us sneak out of school. We didn't have any security guards in high school. We just had like one dude that had like a radio. Well, because... His name was like Mr. Brown or something. What the fuck? His only name is Ted John.

That sucks. His name was Ted John. Dude used to give me detention. First name Ted, last name John. I don't, I don't, I have no idea. If that's his real name. I honestly don't even know if that's his name. He was like an urban legend to me.

But he would like give me a detention all the time. Yeah, we had security officers. You didn't have them because what was keeping you inside was the power, the power of the holy Christ. Yeah, exactly. The sin, the original sin was keeping us indoors. The original sin held the doors closed. Exactly.

And kept you all in the street. In middle school we had, and I was handcuffed once by one of them. Really? For no reason. I was so scared. There was a kid. I didn't ever tell you the story.

I don't think so. If you have, I forgot it. There was this kid in our middle school. His name was Bakari. I remember that name, yeah. And this kid was, he, I... Didn't you try to fight him? Bro, I would have never.

Oh. So there was a kid, and I know his last name too, but I'm not gonna say it. Cause I don't want people to look at him up. Cause I wasn't even really friends with him back then. I need to tell you, Bakari, not a very common name, Joey. I mean...

Yeah, but whatever. But this kid, Bakari, was strong as shit. Like, I think he would put up a good fight against 30 year old me right now. And we were in fucking eighth grade. And there was this girl, Kelsey, that I was cool with. And... No, no, no.

Cool with. At no point was it ever like that. But then I guess they were dating or something. And I was like in the gym class, and I'm just like hanging off to the side. And then some girl comes over and she goes, Bakari's looking for you. And I said, huh?

Problem. And the girl, Kelsey, is like in the same group that I'm in. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, oh, I said that you were trying to get with Kelsey, so he's gonna fuck you up. And I look at her and I go, are you gonna help me?

Like, I was like, I'm not gonna do this, you know? And then I had heard that it was like, oh no, it's Joey from the fourth floor. And I was on the third floor, and I was like, all right, cool. You dodged a fucking bullet, yeah. So I was like, all right, whatever. And then someone came back and was like, oh no, it's you.

And I was like, what the fuck? They did the old switcheroo on you. Yeah, and like this kid, like everyone knew this kid that he would have murdered me, like legit. And so I guess word got around. And then I remember I was in the same class, I was in gym class, and one of the security guards came up to me with the dean, this guy, Mr. Allen.

And he comes out to me and he's like, this guy always looked like he was about to fall asleep. He's like, so I walk over to him. And then the security guard puts me in handcuffs. Me, bro. In eighth grade, I was like 100 pounds. You could have slipped through those handcuffs. Yeah, like I was tiny.

And this kid was a bro, like they put me in handcuffs and they bring me to the fourth floor and put me in a fucking room, right? They bring me into the assistant principal's office up there and then there's a small room next, like within the office that they put me in, right? They put me in that and sit me in a chair like this and he's sitting across from me.

He's not handcuffed. Damn. And I was like, what the fuck? Damn, that's some reverse racist shit on your ass. I was like, this dude's gonna kill me. Like whatever, right? I'm kidding. So they were like, you guys like talk it out or whatever.

And we just like were talking and I was like, bro, I like me and Kelsey are close. Like I never, whatever. You were shook. They left you alone with him? Yes. They told you to talk it out. And I was handcuffed.

Bro, this kid could have fucking washed you. 100% and the door was closed. And I was like, what the fuck is, how is this the answer in eighth grade? It's a matrix shit. So after that, they bring us out into the, like they like let us go and they're like, you know, whatever, like, cause they were just trying to prevent

a fight from happening. By putting you in the perfect situation to kill each other. Yeah, I guess. Here, go into this room. Here, take a knife. So after that. What did you say about his mom again, Joe? Yeah, right.

Give him a little mustard. So then afterwards, they uncuff me and they're like, all right, go back to class. So me and him are walking in the hall. I don't know why I remember this so vividly, but we were walking in the hallway towards the stairs. Well, he like, his class was on the fourth floor. So he was like walking to the left

and I was walking down the stairs. And as we were getting to the point where we were going to like go our separate ways, he just goes like this at me. Like he's going to tackle me like real fast. That's it. You almost saw the light. So he did that and I just turned like this.

And I didn't like flinch too hard, but I turned and he goes, I scared you, didn't I? And I was like, I'm going to fucking class. I literally didn't even say a word. That's why you went to a school with the Lord in it. Let's fight. Bro, when he did that, I was like, oh, I'm dead. Like for a hot second, I was like,

he's going to tackle me and I'm dead. But he like faked it and he's like, I scared you, right? And I was like, ha ha. I went to a school with a kid like that in middle school. His name was Jamal. Kid was fucking awesome. Super, super, super chill. But don't fuck with him because he would kill you.

And I remember there was one day where he was fighting this kid. I forgot what the name of the kid was, but the kid like fucking swung a, like on the side of the street found like a plank of wood and swung and hit him and it broke on the kid's back. And he turned around, unfazed and was just like, I'm, now you have to die.

And I'll never forget that. I was not a big, you know, I'm not a big fighter. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Me neither, bro. I'm a big pussy now. I haven't gotten hit more times in my life. Me too. I've never been hit in my life.

Now that I think about it. The only time I can remember, I've been like punched really bad once, but I've been like hit, but like more of like a, in a thing. Like a tussle. But there was one time, there was one of my friends, Anthony,

this kid, Anthony, for some reason, he was like the Spanish kid. He would just talk like the Terminator all the time. And we thought it was hilarious. Who the fuck is this? Oh, is that a tall kid? No, no, no. What the fuck are you doing?

No, but he would just talk like the Terminator cause we thought it was funny. Like all the time. Like he didn't see it. Every time we talk. Yeah, but he like, his voice wasn't like, no, it's like, it wasn't his voice.

He would just do it and we would laugh. But anyway, this kid got into a fight with this Asian kid that I forget his name. And I see them fighting. So I'm like running over because he has my friend on the ground. So I see him like whatever. So I just like running,

I tackled the kid who's on top of him and I like, we were kind of like tussling on the ground and I was like trying to punch him or whatever. And this kid, his name was Jun Lee, I think his name was. Bro, this kid came, I could see him down the hallway running.

And this kid just cocked back and fucking punched me right in the cheek so hard. And I was just like, I'm done. And I just laid on the ground and I just saw like my friend jump over my body. And I was like, I'm not doing this. I can't really ever remember a time getting hit myself. I'm trying to think of it.

That was the only time I remember. I mean, like again, I've been in like small, like that one little fight with that kid, Francisco. And like it was mostly like. You guys definitely punched each other in the face. We punched each other in the face, but like it wasn't like to the point where it was like someone hit like a fucking like, oh shit.

Yeah, no. You know. Also I was mad young. I haven't even like been in like a whoa, whoa, whoa type of thing since I was like in fucking, since I was like 17. No, you did that to me once. And I told that story at Jack Jones that time where I almost beat that guy up.

Yeah, but that had nothing to do with me. I know, but. I was ready to fucking beat up an old man for you, but. You mean you were in a pull apart. Yeah, I wasn't involved in anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's usually me trying to break up something that happened with my friends.

Yeah, I don't really. And even then like I don't, our friend group really didn't fight a lot. I know people that tried to pick fights in our friend group, but we didn't really like have like that group of friends. We're like, bro, can you imagine, there are people who's a group of friends like every time they go out, someone gets into a fight.

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How did we get the, oh, I'm having another kid. Yeah, you're having a child. I'm having another child. Frank is having another child, guys. Joey is having a baby. Is, you're three kids back. You're three kids behind. Oh, well, you got technically you're only one

because you got your hot sauce, you got Charlie. Yeah. And what's gonna be your next kid? I don't know. Well, you got the Rolex, you got the Range Rover. Why are these children? Because of the way I like to make fun of you. I'll have kids one day.

I believe you will. I think you got to make sure those fish swim though. Come on, man. I hope they do. I think the world needs more of you. Why'd you make that face? I'm joking. Oh, yeah.

The world definitely doesn't need more of me, but I'm giving it to them anyways. That's the American way, baby. Shove it down their throats. That's not how babies are made. Well, they're their bottom throat. That's such a weird way to... This is my bottom throat.

Technically. It is a bottom throat. It is similar to the throat. I think about it. Stuff goes into it. There's lips, stuff come noises and stuff come out of it. Sometimes there's a mustache.

There are lips that enter. Yes, sometimes there's a mustache, a beard even. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, you need to clean it more. Wash it out with soap when it curses. Yes, absolutely, yes. Did that ever happen to you? I'm pretty sure it has.

I think what happened to me once, yeah. Your parents washed your mouth out of soap. They put liquid soap in my mouth, yeah. Liquid soap. Yeah, not the bar. Oh, my mom put a bar on my mouth. Oh, we didn't get that cool. No, my mom hit me with a dove.

Hit me in the face with it. Oh, yeah, I got that fucking. You know the dove that used to clean ducks? I got that shit in my fucking mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or like Dawn or whatever. Dawn, that's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just put dish soap in your shit? Oh man, what do you get to put? Fucking hand soap? No, I mean. Hand soap, I actually had a friend in college that would clean his dishes with hand soap for a while. And then he ended up getting a wild, wild, wild throat infection.

And no one knew why. And then he told the doctors like, oh, well, I, you know, I, they're like, all right, tell us your normal day. He's like, I do this, I do this, I do this, I eat, I wash my dishes. And they're like, oh wait, what do you wash your dishes with? And he told them hand soap. And they're like, yo, that's what that is from.

He got an insane throat infection because hand soap has like moisturizers in it. So he was fucking cleaning his dishes with basically like moisturizers and then eating off of it. And he was getting that in his throat. I don't know if I buy this. You don't have to. It happened.

I don't care if you buy it or not. It is true. You can get a sore throat like that? Not a sore throat. He had an infection. Soap's not soap? Soap is soap. Bro, look at like fucking like cool soaps.

Like the white, you know. Whoa, hold on. The whites. I didn't say the whites. But like, you know, like that like creamy soap, the one that smells like fucking like coconut and honeysuckle or whatever. What the fuck honeysuckle is?

I don't know. Well, that has moisturizer in it. Like hand lotion, bro. I guess that makes sense. It does make sense because it happened. I'm trying to get some clarity over here. What more do you need for clarity? I gave you the whole fucking story.

Jesus. Fuck you. What clarity do you need? I'm just saying it smelled a little fishy to me first. Yeah, a little fishy. It didn't smell fishy. It's a legitimate. Let me ask you this.

What would I get out of telling that story? Outside of the satisfaction of saying I got you, what would I get out of telling a fraudulent story? I don't know. I think people make up stories all the time. So they just feel like included. That makes me feel real included, Joe. Talking about this kid that I know

that got a throat infection because of hand soap. What's a throat infection? He got a sore throat. No, no, no. Like he needed an anti... What's a throat infection? Your throat gets infected, bro. Just like the lady...

That's a sore throat. The lady throat? Was his throat sore? Sore throat. He had a sore throat, cough, mucus. Sore throat. I believe it was more... Throat infection.

So would you call strep throat a sore throat? No, it's strep throat. Yeah, it's an infection. But it's strep throat. No one says throat infection. I have a throat infection. When you ask people what strep throat is, they'll tell you a throat infection.

Who's gonna ask that question? Someone that has no clue what strep throat is. A fucking Amish person? No, even they know what strep throat is. You remember when I... Yo, by the way, I found out... Take two. I ended up on an Amish girl's TikTok.

And someone was like, bro, you got it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did that happen, dude? Yeah, no, no. She's got a phone, you know, she's a fraud. That is, that's fake as shit. Yeah, yeah. How does an Amish girl have a TikTok?

That's like... Well, she's going to Amish, hell, obviously. That's like Biggie Smalls or Jumbo Shrimp. Yeah, no. She has a cell phone and she's like, yeah, you'd be surprised a lot of people, Amish people have cell phones in case of emergency. Bro, you know what this girl said?

She was like... No. She... She's like... She's like, it's important to have a cell phone when you are in this Amish community because it's just a case of emergency because they're seven hours away from the nearest hospital.

Bro, you're dead. If you get a throat infection... If you get a throat infection. You're fucked. Yeah. You're done. Seven hours, where the fuck, where are they? I have no idea.

Fuckin'... Middle Earth, I have no idea. Yeah, clearly. Seven hours. I feel like every one is... I can get to Arizona quicker than that. Bro, seriously. Legitimately, I can drive to fucking West Virginia

before they find a single hospital. That's crazy. Where do they live? I don't know, but that's what she said. Oh, well... Hold on. They got the horses, bro. That's it, that's it.

They don't have a fucking Dodge Ram. That's why it's... Yeah, with a fucking vehicle that has over two horsepower, it would be an hour, but they have a fucking horse and buggy. One horsepower. It's the power of one horse.

The power of one horse. That's bringing this thing to... That's why it's seven hours. That's why it's seven hours. Because they also need to like... You gotta get a faster horse, bro. Seven hours is still a long time. I mean, I think...

Or guess what? A fucking car? Yeah, bro, you got a cell phone. Just get a fucking maybe, man. Even a bike, dude. A horse and buggy? Don't even go that fast. A bike can go fast.

Bro, a horse and buggy? You ever seen a horse and buggy go fast? No, it's always like, clip, clop, clip, clop. Yeah, I can rollerblade faster than a horse. You can rollerblade pretty fucking sweet and fast. You can. Pretty fucking sweet and fast.

I will say that. But that's why I take... Bro, seven hours? So what did this TikTok girl say? Why were you on her TikTok? Bro. Was she just like, yo, You remind me of the faceless doll I played with

when I was a kid. No, I was scrolling and this fucking Amish business popped up, weird teeth. Oh, you mean like in your feed she popped up? Yeah, but then I went to her page. And then? Just a bunch of Amish shit. She wasn't like shaking her ass or anything like that.

I mean, if she has a cell phone, she's that much closer to, you know. Shaking butts. Mephisto, she might as well, you know, just kind of give in to the sin. No, she was just kind of like telling people about like the Amish life and like, you know, how to make butter or something.

I've actually seen a lot of videos of how to make butter and I honestly want to try. I've seen really cool videos of someone making like special butter with like some green shit in it. Yeah. And I'm like... I saw someone making black garlic herb butter. Boop.

When you go to a restaurant, they just have regular butter, guys. No, no, no. But some restaurants, they do like a fucking sick butter and it like goes such a long way. The food can be like decent, but if the bread is fire, I'm going to be like, I love that place.

I make an herb butter for Thanksgiving. Do you? How do you make butter, cream? Well, no, no, no. The butter is the butter. I melt it and I mix in like herbs and spices. And then I let it coagulate, you know. Say spices again?

Spices. Why do you say that so weird? Spices. Spices. Look at your teeth. You're closing your mouth. Why are you going spices? You're talking through your teeth.

You can't say spices without closing your mouth. No, no, no. I'm saying your teeth are closed. Spices. Yeah, you're doing that. You're biting at me. I'm not biting. You're going spices.

I'm not biting at you. Spices. Spices. Look at you. I'm not. You're like a dog, angry. Like an angry dog. I'm not angry.

I'm saying spices. Because there's spices. Isis. You're wearing the shirt. What does that mean? They dress like 1920s people in jail. Oh. Ball and chain, hat.

Yeah. They put hats on people in jail back in the day. Sleeping hats, regular hats, jail hats. Didn't make any sense. Love hats back then. Well, that's why everyone's bald now because they fucking had the shit on their head for 30 years.

That's not true. How is it not? You're right, I can't explain. There were kids that wore baseball caps with fucking. Caps. Jesus made that rule. He brought it right for a second. Baseball hats.

What the fuck are you saying, bro? Baseball hats. They get easy to it, bud. It's hot. Yeah. It's hot in here. It is hot. It's like baseball caps.

I know. They had rims out to here. Yeah, that was dumb. Like in the sand lot. Right. And then when they became like men at 13. They wore fucking like fedoras. Yeah.

And then they went to jail. They dressed like Pinocchio. Yeah, and then they went to jail and they wore those fucking like jail hats. Yo, was Pinocchio German? Pinocchio. No, I don't think, I think it's Italian, dude. That's name was Gepetto.

Not a very fucking German name. Cause he's wearing like a leader hosin, isn't he? I think so, yeah. But I think Pinocchio, Pinocchio. Yeah, it does sound like a pasta. It sounds like a. Like a small gnocchi. Exactly.

Like a little. Pinocchio. Like what do you want for dinner? You want the Pinocchio, Pinocchio. And then this is my friend, this is Gepetto. Gepetto's a crazy name, man. Also, it's not his dad, bro. He made him.

Oh, technically his dad, yeah, no. His maker. That's his god, though. That is his god. How does he get the voice and shit? I forget the story. When you wish upon a star. Who wished upon a star?

Uh, I think Gepetto. Oh, okay. He was like, yo, turn my dog. To the blue fair, one of the fairies. Or a fairy. Damn, I forgot Gepetto. And then Jiminy Cricket is like, yeah. I remember the cricket.

Jiminy, yeah. And he's like, I got this. And he's like, bro, like you can't, you gotta be a boy. Fucking crazy story about dolls, yo. Yeah, it is. He's not wrong. Anyway, guys.

Once again, we had a whole episode where we didn't talk about what we wanted to talk about. At all. Literally I don't think we talked about one thing. That I wrote down. No, we talked about the hot sauce. Cause I said I wanted to bring that up. Yeah.

And then we talked about me having a child. That was it. That is it. Yeah, there was a bunch of other stuff too. But anyway, guys, go get yourself a bottle of the secret handshake, everything bagel hot sauce, secrethandshake.shop or go to theheatness.com and search it up.

It will be there. Go get yourself a couple of bottles, support. Appreciate you guys so much, Frank. Where can they find you? You can find me. Disobeying the law. A real G throw bread from the streets. Pan-seg and what am I going to my drugs?

Aye. F-Alvarez8085 on Twitter. The Frank Alvarez on Instagram. And then go check out the patreon.patreon.com slash the basement yard. Sign up now. Get these weekly episodes a week in advance. That second tier, you get weekly exclusive episodes

every single Friday. Go check it out. Patreon.com. It's also the place where I use the mail. Pfft. You guys go find me at Joe Sanagato. Go follow the show at TikTok and Instagram. You actually just hit half a million followers.

Half a bell. On TikTok. Trying to hit that million sooner rather than later. Again, at Secret Handshake Foods on Instagram. SecretHandshake.shop to go get yourself a bottle of this hot sauce. Definitely try it. Let me know how it goes.

It will ship to you in like two days. You'll be fine. And that is all. See you guys next time.