The Basement Yard - #359 - The War Between Man And Beast

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Joe and Frank discuss what happens when man and beast collide! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Oh, yeah. Anyone who's not watching is probably not knowing what's going on. Yeah. Because that does sound. The thing about what this sounds like. That doesn't sound like anything.

Honestly, it just sounds like if I drink a lot of water, I'm shocked. I'm shocked that you don't remember when kids would do that to pantomime jerking off in high school when they'd be like, oh, fuck. It was like, anyway. Fucking guys, go out there. Go get yourself some everything bagel hot sauce

and new hot sauce. I mean, Greg made it just fucking dropped. You can go to secrethanshake.shop or go to theheatness.com to get it. It's fucking delicious. It's really good. God damn. I swear to God, I can just have it just like this all day.

Every day. I just had a bagel. Shit. I just had a bagel with scallion cream cheese. Ooh, ooh, threw that son of a bitch on there. That just honestly like, that's a good wake up. Bing bonged my throat. You almost, you get on your shirt?

Yes, good. Well, that's what you get. That's what you get for wearing a pretentious shirt with a sun on it. We know that you believe in you. Fuck. Oh no, your white shirt has hot sauce on it. It's vinegar.

It'll come out, babe. Don't worry about it. I'm scared. By the way, vegan and gluten-free for you assholes. That was good. That was good. Again, congrats on the hot sauce announcement. I'm a fucking idiot.

Take your shirt off. I'm sure no one would be upset. I've been getting a lot of gay follows recently. Have you been getting gay follows? Oh, you know why? A little of this on it? No, you think I'm going to clean this thing? I think so.

Relax, grandma. You'll just buy the company. No, I've been getting a lot of gay follows, but I think it's because there was a clip from our podcast. I went like super viral on my Instagram, and it was the one where you were smelling my pits. And I think that like, there's like a sector of the gay community that's really into smelling pits.

I almost have an idea that it's not just the sector of the gay community that's into that. I bet there are real other real, real. Tell us about the fake gay. I was going to say real freaks in the heterosexual community that also are into that, where they're just like, just fucking fart in my tooth paste and just disgust me. Yeah, two dudes sniffing each other's arm pussies.

Yeah, I got to imagine that there are people that not, there's got to be a correlation between freaks like that and the arm smelling variety and people that still listen to like and saying clown posse and shit like that. Wow, yeah. No, there's probably a, they have a cult falling too. If there's someone who's watching this podcast that's into ICP, they're going to fuck you up.

The juggalos are coming for us. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, that's what they're called. That's what they're called, the juggalos and. I'd like to paint my face. I haven't done that in years. When was the last time you painted your face? For one of Miles' birthdays,

last time you painted your face was last Halloween when you went as Sammy Davis Jr. That was really good. God, I was so happy I got that. I was so confused. I'm like, out of all people, Sammy Davis Jr. That's the first person of color I thought of. Oh my God, that is fucking hilarious.

No, imagine who the fuck are you? I'm Sammy Davis Jr. I'm not even going to try to do the impression. Yeah. No, I think it was probably for one of Miles' birthdays. I haven't, like I want to get like a butterfly on my face or something, you know what I mean? Just get a real tattoo on your face.

Oh, I can't. Do you think, because you over the last five years have gotten more tattoos. What was that? That was about five, six years ago, right? Yeah. Do you think you'll ever creep forward like toward face tattoos?

No, no, no, no. You're not into about it? The only possible thing that I could ever think of is like a neck thing, but never. Like I couldn't, I don't. You think that's the closest you could get to the face? I would never do this. Like I would never even consider the face,

but I do like this like spot behind your thing, but I'm not like, I'm not that type of dude. Who is that? I think that's like, or as has like some like writing, I think that kind of like goes like from his neck, behind his ear. Yeah, I don't know.

Justin Bieber has one, that's like. It says something like. It says like patients or something. Yeah, something so like stupid. Yeah. Like who needs patients? It says like grace and it's like Jesus. Who's that?

Grace? Oh, you mean like Grace? Like the Lord, Grace. Living with the Lord's grace. Yeah, like I'm accepting your grace? What is that? I don't know. I think grace is just like a holy cool thing.

Like a holy cool way. Like you know they're like, and then you're like, okay. And then you do a prayer. But like, so then what is grace, bro? I thought grace was just kind of like, you're like, you know. I think grace is like the act of like,

yeah, like living. You're floaty. Yeah, like you're living like that. You don't really step, you just kind of glide. With like the love of the Lord is like, I live with grace. I prance around with grace. Amen.

Bingo. Yeah, I don't mean, I don't know what it is, but I think that's what it is. I'm not quite sure what it is either, but you know where there's not a whole lot of grace going on right now, Joey. That is in Japan. I was going to say North Korea.

Well, yeah, that one. Different kind of non graceful activities. What's going on in Japan? You, well, I love to go to Japan one day. I'll go to Japan. I think we have maybe a fan in Japan. We can go and get the hook up, right? We got to like take a flight over,

even though that flight would be pretty brutal. It'd be brutes. But that would be a fun time. Yeah, why not? But so there is the beginnings of a civil war going on in Japan. And what? Yeah.

And it is between the human population and the monkeys. Do you plan on the apes type shit? Yes. Do they have guns? Bro. So as of like the last couple of weeks, there have been numerous stories developing about monkeys. And I don't know the type of monkeys,

so don't fucking attacking people like violently and stealing their children. Whoa, stealing their children, stealing their young. And they've like tried to like give them like. Are they training the children? I don't know what they're doing with the kids, dude. But they're like trying to like get them to stop like, yo, chill, chill, chill, here's, you know, here's a melon.

Because Japan has like cool melons and stuff like that. Yeah. You know, here's a tangerine. I think. Dragon fruit. Dragon fruit. Racist. I don't know where that is.

See what you did. I thought that wasn't, is it? No. I don't know where it is. Dragon fruit is a tropical fruit. I don't know. I'm sure they have it over there, but the fact that you went there, boy oh boy.

I don't know. Whoever's editing this episode is gonna be working overtime. Okay, I didn't say dragon because of like Chinese New Year or whatever. I was saying like, and also that's a different country. That is. I was saying dragon fruit

because I feel like I've seen a lot of cooking videos where they put dragon fruit and shit. I will say, I do see their cooking videos where they chop stuff up really fine. Honestly? They're very good at chopping. The sauce kind of looks like dragon fruit a bit. No dragon fruit in it.

A little bit, a little bit. No dragon fruit in it though. Do you like dragon fruit or pitaya? I had it once, but I don't remember what it tastes like. Exactly. It doesn't have a taste. It tastes like nothing.

That's, that's. It's good. I've had it a couple times. They're big. But like, there's no, they can't, and they're fucking expensive, dude. A single dragon fruit can be like five, six bucks. Fuck that.

Yeah, it's not that good in order to keep it going. However. Favorite fruit, go. Three, two, one. The oranges. Oh, I was gonna say watermelon. Watermelon. That's a good one.

And I don't like regular. They're annoying though. You gotta cut it. Yeah. But I don't like like regular ass oranges. Like, I like the little babies. Clementines. Clementines, that's what they are.

The California cuties. Oh, what's the other one? Tapid, what's it? Tangerines. Tapioca, I was gonna say. I don't know why you were going. What the fuck am I talking about? What type of yogurt?

Tapioca? Tapioca. That's like a little yogurt. Oh, I thought it was like a plant. I don't know anything. Yeah, we know. So, but like the monkeys over there are just like stealing people.

I'm gonna look this up. It gets better. Are they killing kids? Cause that would be fucking dope. I don't know if they're, what? Of like a war between man and monkeys. Fucking sick. Bro, I've seen those movies,

the most recent ones. I know how it turns out. Not looking so good for humans. Oh man, I made a joke, but this is like, you're being serious. Yeah. So. Damn, dude, they're fucking stealing kids. They're stealing kids.

And Japan has started arming people with tasers. Oh no, you gotta get me a gun, bro. And they found the leader of the monkey tribe and fucking assassinated him. This is fucking sick. I'm sorry, but this is dope, bro. And guess where they found the leader of the monkey tribe? Hiding in a children's school.

Get the fuck out of here. Bro, it's fucking crazy out there. I swear to God, we might be breaking the news to you guys here first. Yo. This is the start of the war. Dude, I don't know the numbers. People to monkeys, here's what I do know.

Like one on one with monkeys? I don't know. I will say this though. I've spoken to them. If they chew, imagine animals were like, nah, we're done with this shit. We're dead. You can't beat it, you can't beat animals, bro.

No, we got, we've got- Well, if all the animals charged us. If now, if they, you've, I've seen those War of the Planet of the Eight movies. First of all, they're fucking good. Second of all, if they start figuring out how to use guns, then we're in trouble. Yeah, we're dead.

Because there's a lot of power lines. Look at a city like New York. A lot of power lines, they got the height advantage. We're done. We're toast. We've got nothing. But this is the thing. I've spoken about this openly in another episode.

You can go check it out. It might even have been a Patreon episode of patreon.com slash the basement yard. If you sign up now, you get these weekly episodes of Week in Advance, the next exclusive content every single Friday, but I've spoken about it. And the only way we have a chance with monkeys is to gaslight them.

Okay? Is to gaslight them. Now listen, that's the only way we have a chance. Frank, there's stealing children. I listened to what I'm saying. What would you do? Children don't have the capacity to gaslight yet. Idiot, I'm saying they're smart enough

to take the children. They know that they're the future. They're killing the future, Frank. And they found a leader in the school of children. Do you think that's a kawinky dink? I don't. This guy went in there full on ready to just be like, he went to the belly of the beast.

He was like, yo, you wanna take kids? I know a building that has all of the kids. That's so wild, dude. Bro, if we lose the ability to gaslight them, what do we got? Because monkeys are like five times stronger than the average human. Not all monkeys.

Gorillas. Bro, if we're going up against like capuchins, no problem. Bring a tennis racket, we win the war. What the fuck is a capuchin? The little guy, well, you know. Are the ones they put diapers on and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Capuchins, we have a chance. I don't know, man. If a monkey starts like crawling all over me, I'll get freaked out. Bro, if a monkey starts crawling all over you, take it and you just fucking throw it. I know, but I would be like icked. Like already the hair's on the back of my neck.

You don't like it. You don't like being. I don't like crawly stuff. You don't like crawly stuff. I would much rather be attacked by a gorilla. Would you? If I could live. No, but that's the problem.

A gorilla will probably be like, oh, hello, here's your neck, there's your head. Oh, well, if it bites me, it's over, but I think that they would just drag me around. Fuck a biting, they'll just tear your fucking jaw open and then take your brain out through your mouth. That would probably hurt a bit. A little bit.

I mean, you wouldn't feel it. It would be pretty instantaneous. Dude. Or the jaw part would hurt. But like, they're legitimately, so they found the leader of the monkey tribe that's doing all this shit and they assassinated him. They shot him?

And it got worse. What got worse? The fucking attacks. They were like, yo, you're coming for our boy? Bet. They promoted a new leader and I swear to God and the attacks have gotten worse. So they're arming more people in Japan

with fucking weapons to fight the monkeys. Guys, here's the thing, right? We joke around on the show and we, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And I don't know much about monkeys, but... He knows nothing about monkeys. No, like, I think if I sat down and had to take like a real test in front of people and be serious, you know, I could assume some things.

I am so far removed that I did not think that they were capable of like this sort of thing. This is gonna sound wildly fucking stupid. I didn't think they had the capacity to be like, you killed our king. We're gonna start fucking stealing your children. Like, I didn't know that they could, like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, what? Monkeys now have a monkey? I have a monkey, Jesus, dude. Who's the guy? Himidam? Himidam? I'm gonna let you, Harambe? No, not Harambe, bro.

The guy, the eye for an eye, Himigarane. No, I'm gonna let you try to figure it out. It's Hama, Hama, Hama, Hama, it's Hama. I know what it is, yes. It's Hama, Hama. Hammurabi. Hammurabi, fucking bitch. Eye for an eye, Hammurabi's code.

If you guys don't look it up, but most of the American penal system is based off of it. I didn't know that they had one of those too. They have their own Hammurabi. Bro, now Japanese monkeys have their own martyr. They have their Jesus, dude. That's fucking nuts. They have their Jesus who is just like,

yo, like I was trying, cause like we don't know why they're taking kids, but you gotta admit it's some diabolical shit. Yeah, they're easy to take. Well, yeah, duh, they're self, they're harmless. They don't fight back, they just scream, they shit. Yeah, you have to imagine that these monkeys are now like, bro,

you died trying to do what you believed to be right. You're our monkey Jesus now. And now, I mean, look at some of these people that are like super like hardcore Jesus fans that are like, I'll do anything for them. That's a dangerous fucking, that's a dangerous place to be. Bro, Japan's gonna have their own little January 6th

up in there soon, it sounds something. Yeah. What was that like, by the way? Yeah, cause I was there. Bro, isn't this fucking crazy? That's crazy too. Yeah, that's honestly why. So they promoted a new leader.

Thank God it was them and not the birds, dude. Nah, fuck the birds, the birds. There's way more birds. Bro, birds don't have thumbs. Bro, you're gonna tell me. Monkeys can grab four guns, one with each hand, one with each foot, and fire and kill you.

That's fair, but I will say, a hundred birds fly at you, you're dead. No. You gonna kill a hundred birds? Give me one weapon. You're gonna have to grab a bird and use that. No. You could definitely fight off like five birds.

Bro, a hundred birds, I'll be hurt. I'm not dying. Hurt? I'm not dying. You're gonna pluck your, you'll be blind. Cause they're gonna pluck those little pretty be-eyes out. No, I close them real tight. You're gonna fight in the dark.

I'll fight and then, I mean, if there's a hundred of them, if I swing, chances are I'm hitting at least 20. I don't know that I could, I could, I'd probably just lay down and accept it. Listen, if monkeys are smart enough to listen to podcasts, I don't know why you're doing what you're doing. But frankly- Take it easy. Chill, cause kids go for like the bad people.

You know what I'm saying? Like- Why cry? Who's the Japanese Donald Trump? Bro, I, I don't know, but they just had a guy get assassinated too. That's right, they did. The prime man. Was it a monkey?

Bro, what if monkeys start putting on like human costumes? Nah, this dude had a- Hold on. This dude had a homemade shotgun. What if monkeys now can do like that thing they do in all the kids movies where like they put one on the shoulders and a trench coat and a hat,

and they go start to see like R rated movies and shit and that's where they get their ideas from? Maybe, I don't know, but that's crazy. There's been two assassinations in Japan. Like one with the people, the leader of the people, then the leader of the monkeys. If I'm the leader of the fucking like pandas,

I'd be like, bro. Bro, the monkeys and the pandas right now are talking and they're like, yo, you get all the bamboo you want. We won't fuck with you. Just like help us take these people out. Yo, I fuck with pandas a lot too. Yeah, they're cute. They roll around, they're dumb idiots.

You ever see them eat bamboo? Unless they listen, then they're real cool. No, they're probably smart as shit. You think they're listening? God damn it, they're not dumb idiots. No, but I think that pandas are also, I heard they're vicious. Yeah, bro, they are a bear.

I wanna hug that motherfucker. I know, and then you would have no back. Yeah. You would have to give up your back for a hug from a panda bear. Sounds like some prison stuff. Yeah, I think that's actually probably terminology in the prison world.

Yeah, I don't know, but I fuck with pandas really hard. I watched a video of a panda eating some bamboo. Looks fun. And it was like a TikTok, so it like loops, but the loop was kind of like legit. And I had no idea, but like eight minutes had passed by and I'm like, this video's long. I was gonna say, aren't TikToks like 30 seconds back?

They can be max three minutes. This one wasn't, it was probably 40 seconds. But I sat there and watched it for mad long. They do make bamboo look delicious. I believe they're the only animal on the planet that consumes bamboo. And bamboo is one of the fastest growing plants on the planet.

So like we need the pandas. You ever see, you're just like randomly driving in like fucking Long Island and there's just a field of bamboo. What? Bro, there's, in Jersey, people plant bamboo and it just fucking grows like wildfire. Really?

Yeah, dude. It spreads like wildfire and it grows like insane. And basically once it starts growing, there's nothing you could do. It's like, it's gonna take. Dig it up. Bro, cause the sprouts live underground. Bro, dig up the ground.

You think we're gonna lose a word of it? I'm sure, I'm fucking bamboo, bro. I'm worried about monkeys who could shoot guns. You're worried about the bamboo. I'm sure. But it's all part of this fucking Japanese monkey conspiracy. Because one minute there's bamboo in South Jersey,

the next minute they're fucking monkeys flying around in South Jersey in the bamboo with guns and shooting and taking babies. No, dude. This is how it starts. What is it? The war? The animal uprising.

The animal uprising, the war of the planet of the apes. I think we lose that battle, bro. Bro, duh. Except we learn to like. As soon as you reload your gun, you're dead. Like you can defend yourself with a gun. Listen, I watched the most recent Planet of the apes movies and the main monkey in there, I believe his name is Caesar.

He was really kind and compassionate and you could reason with him. You could be like, yo, like please let us live. And they're like, okay, there are other bad apes. That wouldn't be so cool about that. I think one of them was actually named Bad Ape. No, he was a good one. But then there was.

Bad Ape was the good ape? Yeah, cause he was treated bad. He was kept as like a prisoner and they called him Bad Ape and he was voiced by Steve Zahn. But then there are other ones. I believe, what was the other one's name? Good Ape? Kobe.

Cocoa. Nope. That was the gorilla that was cool with Robin Williams. Yeah, yeah. I forgot the bad one's name, but they'll fucking tell you, bro. Like, yo, we can, bro, stealth? Ninjas, dude?

Monkey ninjas, dude? They're in, wait, they're not ninjas? Bro, if they want to be ninjas, they'll be fucking ninjas, bro. You know how quiet monkeys can be if they want to be? Bro, monkeys are pretty loud if they want to be, dude. Do you want to hear a crazy story about a monkey once? Yeah.

I was at the zoo with my family. Like my whole family went to the Bronx Zoo and there was a crowd of people around the monkey, the monkey exhibit, and we go up to it and a monkey shit in its hand. Yeah. Threw it into the crowd and it hit my hand. Damn.

What do you, cool answer? No. Ah, no, she's cool. She likes wine. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. I don't know what no,

I don't have a big enough sample size of this ant. Gotcha. But it hit her right in the fucking head. Damn. Yeah, so it's monkey. Was it like a sloppy shit, or was it just like a turd? Like a, like, did it go like splat?

No, it wasn't like a poop. No, it was, it was more of like a, you know, it may have been like old shit. I'll tell you this, somehow worse. What, an old shit? I'd rather get hit by a fresh one than, no. No, I'd rather get hit by an old shit. It just bounces off of you.

Yeah, it's been, it's subject to the elements at that point. Yeah, dude, but. You know what I thought about the other day? I haven't seen white dog shit in years, dude. Was that like only in the 90s? Cause I haven't seen one white dog shit. I feel like, what movie was that? The Step Brothers, where you make some

lick the white dog shit? Yeah, but dude, that's what I'm saying. I would see white dog shit. I've seen more white human shit than I have white dog shit. What the hell did you say? No, not more, the same. It's a one to one ratio. You're only supposed to be seeing your own white shit.

No, so we might have told this story a couple times. I will tell it again. There was a prominent house in a story of a friend that was, let's just say it, basically a trap house. Oh, okay, yes, and you saw an old white shit. And a friend of ours, shit in a bag, as a joke, classic. Ha, ha, ha. Tied the bag, threw it across the room.

Perfect. Where it remained for a number of months. Perfect. Until it was then found those a period of time later by the same individual who observed quite keenly that it was now white. And that was a rough day for everyone that was there as the smell was putrid and quite frankly,

hard to stomach. I'd say so. But I don't really know if I've seen as much white dog shit. I haven't seen white dog shit, man. I think that like in 1998 was my last one and I haven't seen one since. I see this, I have a dog, do you know what I'm saying?

So I'm walking around, I'm paying attention to the trees because he's shitting on them or like next to them. You know what I mean? He's not one of those dogs that, bro, thank God for my dog. My dog's normal. My dog will go and he'll shit on grass. Other people be crossing the street

and all of a sudden the dog decides I'm gonna shit in the crosswalk. What? What kind of idiot dog? It's a dumb dog. And then you got fucking your car runs over it and then you're just tracking dog shit all over the streets. I know, it's just-

Even New York City a bad name. Let me tell you. Bro, I saw a woman pulling her dog across the crosswalk while he was trying to shit. So he's like on skates and she's embarrassed because she's trying to get him. This is in Manhattan by the way. There's people all around.

There's cars waiting to go. And this dog is trying his best to take a mini shit because it was a small puppy. And she was just pulling him and he kept just shitting a little bit. To shitting across the town. I'm like, what are we doing here? That's worse.

That's somehow worse. Get this dog some fucking grass. Why have we not made like a thing you can put behind, like you know how the horses in New York have- Diapers. No, you want to make like a little pale. A little pale that just stays behind them if they shouldn't. I don't know if you're like this

or if it's just my luck. But anytime I see a dog shitting, that dog and I make eye contact and it's very uncomfortable. Apparently dogs stare at you because he stares at me when he takes shits and he's like, yo, you watching my back? Apparently it's like a safety thing. Like, oh, they're in a vulnerable state.

Yeah, they're like, yo, make sure you're watching me because I'm shitting right now. And I'm like, I know. Of all animal shit that you've seen, what is the most like a human? Is it dog? Gotta imagine it's dog. Yeah, I haven't seen many animal shit.

I've seen dog. I've seen cat. I've seen rabbit. I've seen giraffes shitting. I've seen cow. I've seen- You know what's crazy about giraffes when they shit? It falls like fucking like a half block.

Nah, they like slap that shit with their tail. No, that's hippos and rhinos, dude. That's what it is. Bro, hippos like fucking have their tail like a propeller. Yeah, and they like chop it up. And it chops it, and not only chops it up, but like hippos got huge asses. Yo, biggest ass in the animal kingdom.

So like it comes out like basically, it fucking gets like food processed out of its ass cheeks, and then it just gets sent through the spinner. You ever see those videos on TikTok of people like unclogging a big storm drain? Oh yeah. Those are dope. But that's what it is, of rhino shitting.

It is, like literally there's like roots in it. Like hay. Yeah, oh man. Hay, I don't know. I don't know why they choose to show us them shitting. Yeah, that's not my fucking, my favorite. But man, I'm telling you, if you're not on the wrong side of history,

if monkeys are listening to this right now, I think you should chill with the kids. I'm on your team though. I'm on team monkey, fuck that. But if push comes to shove, all I'm saying is I don't like humans either, man. We're kind of not the greatest. I like a select group of humans.

If monkeys pull up on you and they're like, we need one. Who's going? Charlie. I'll give up your fucking dog. It doesn't pull up on you. Yeah, I'll be like, oh, my dog, my boy has it right now though. He's up in New York.

Yeah, I'm sure the monkeys will be like, okay, and just leave. Well, no, if they got it, if they're coming, I'll be like, yo, monkey's like, I'm ready to fight to protect my kids. Of course. I'll fight a monkey, a chimp. Yeah, one chimp. I have a chance.

Yeah, I'll fight a chimp. A fist fight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they got like weird arms. If I get my fucking hand in its eye, make it run away or something, I'll be like, fuck you. No, I'm swinging for fucking hell or high water, man.

I don't care. And I got legs. I'm taller than them, bro. Time out, time out. And I don't know, I know we keep jumping from topic to topic, but this is involved with animals and fighting and shit. I saw a video this morning of two women in a kayak and a fucking whale swallowed them, but they survived.

Wait, what? I would do legit anything for that to happen to me. Oh yeah? 100%. Okay, with the surviving part, because chances are you're going down that fucking gullet and out the blow hole. Dude, they don't shit out their blow hole.

You idiot. I know they don't, you dummy. I'm talking about fucking Pinocchio. But if I can get shot out of a blow hole, I will do that. I will definitely do that. I'll get shot out of the blow hole. If it said, yo, you will live 100%

and you're getting shot out of the blow hole. Without a doubt, I'm doing it. You're getting swallowed by that damn whale? Without question. But if I was on a kayak and a fucking thing swallowed me and it was on video, two people got a video. They had like GoPros or something and someone else was in a kayak next to them

and was filming the entire thing. I would do anything for that. How? How'd they get out? God knows. How did, well, first of all, a kayak, it's basically shaped like a fucking pill. That's designed to go down in a throat.

Yeah, that's an aspirin for the old. That's what I'm saying. So you have to imagine that that was probably the easiest part to get down because that's coated in like plastic and stuff. It'll slide right back down. Dude, it's scary because when a whale is breaching, all of the fucking fish are getting to the surface

trying to get away. Like the water gets like crazy because of all the fish. Yo, I would fucking. And then a fucking whale's mouth just, hey! I don't know what's sound in there. I swear, I'm not even kidding when I say this.

I can't. That would be so fire to me, dude. Yeah, fucking good for you. I would legitimately never go near a body of water again. Dude. A fucking ocean lake bath. You're not getting me near it. Yo, that would be so sick.

No, it wouldn't because think about it like this. They're stuck in that thing's stomach. Who's they? They're out, bro. They survived. How, dude? They got out. I don't know.

They fucking slipped out. But how did they fucking get out? They slipped out. Do you think they fought their way out or they got shit out? Frankie, come on. Use your brain here. But the chance that they didn't,

you're stuck in a whale's mouth. I'm not saying what the chance. I swear, I'm on edge right now. He just moved and scared me, Joey. I'm not saying the chance. I'm saying, tell me that I'll survive this. I'm saying that's the cool thing. Obviously dying by whale mouth is not that sick.

I actually just kind of fucked it up. It's cool. It's a great story and good on an epitaph. I love it because no one would believe it. It's like, how'd he die? It's like, we got. He got swallowed by a whale, dude. Immediately, can you imagine like a famous person

died by getting eaten by a whale? And then everyone'd be like, that's kind of fishy. I think it was a vaccine. Well, you know what I mean? They'll be like, no, they're eating by a whale. Maybe like two weeks after the vaccine. Don't think so. Yeah, so, but if you can tell me that I'm on a kayak

and a fucking whale on video of a whale eats me, but I somehow get out and then I swim to the surface and I go, yo, did you see that? Fucking whale just ate me, but I got out. That's the coolest story ever. I wouldn't be cool with that. Girls would never believe that. You try to hit on girls and be like, yeah, whale.

Yeah. Did you see the scar? That's whale. That's whale bristle. Yeah, and she's like, nah, bro. Yeah, because whales don't have teeth. They have like big like, you know, like those like paint brushes.

They have like push brooms in their mouth. And it's like basically like, you're just getting mauled to death and then you go in their stomach and there's probably acid. Of course there's acid. I'm doing this. I'm holding on to the walls. Holding on to the walls.

I'm making that thing throw up. Well, I mean, dude, they just open their mouth and swallow. I don't think they have a gag reflex. I'm holding on. You think whales don't have a gag reflex, dude? No, no, no. I don't know. I think you're wrong on that.

No. I think you're super wrong. Dude, I'm making that thing throw up so hard. I'll make it go breach again. And then when it's up there, I climb out, jump out. You've always been very realistic with the way you handle animals. So that just, of course you would do that.

Well, I'm just saying, you get to the top and you open up and you go home. I'm not saying I'm opening them up. I would do something to promote it to go up. So like, hold on to its tongue, you know, start scratching at it. Clog the blow hole. Clag the back hole.

Clag the back hole. I'm gonna clag the back hole. You gotta clog the hole. So it's like, yo, I can't breathe. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You can't let it breathe a little. Just shove my arm in the blow hole. So it's like, you know, trying to blow out.

Yeah. And then it fucking goes up and sneezes and I go with it. Do we all sneeze? I think that's what the blow hole is. I thought that was just like breathing, dude. What the fuck is the blow hole? Breath. It's like a second, like a gill or something?

I don't know, bro. Or maybe cause they swallow so much air. They gotta like, they have to like get it out. It's like a, when buses like release their brakes or whatever. Buses stop and open a door and you're like, shh, that's the bus blow hole. Got it.

That's what it is. All right. I just think that we need to be prepared for if the war on monkeys comes to the United States. Although I don't think we have many indigenous monkeys. We have zero indigenous monkeys. Yeah, I don't think so. So we just need to be just careful.

Yeah. But you know, there's definitely monkeys down in Florida. Like they got little kind of jungle areas down there. Right? I don't think that's like indigenous. I think they like. They put them there? Although you know, this country doesn't really have

a very pristine relationship with anything indigenous to it. That's right. Yeah. So you ain't wrong. Could have gotten rid of all the monkeys. Yeah. Let's just make sure they don't talk to the buffalo because then we got a problem. Yeah.

You know? Big time. The buffalo are gonna roam right through us. That's an animal that you can't beat. Give me. A gun you could obviously. Yes, I'm saying, but like give me like 30 minutes to think about it.

And I guarantee I could figure out a way to beat it. Because they have horns. So they have literally a fucking steering wheel to snap their neck. So you grab those horns. Oh. Right there. Right there.

You just said it. You just answered your own question. You answered my question. I was gonna say, hey, how are you gonna snap their neck? And you said, just grab their horns. Just grab the horns. How are you gonna just grab their bull's horns? Well, they have, so they have like matted hair.

Kind of like, you know, it's like very easily climbable. Grab ahold of it. Get on the top. Grab the horns and just fucking bank. Wow. You figured it out. I, I know. You might be the most delusional person I've had.

No, I know it would be hard. I'm not saying it wouldn't be hard. I'm not saying it'd be easy, but it's possible. That a charging bull, you're gonna step out of the way. Not a bull. Hold on, I didn't say bull. Climb its hair. I said a buffalo.

You're gonna climb its hair like Rapunzel. I'm gonna do the classic, you know, like come get me, come get me, I move out of the way. Boom, right into the drywall. Okay, right into the drywall. The classic come at me. It's doing the, you know, like it's stuck in there, like its head is stuck.

That's when you get on top of it. It gets out. I grab the horns. You think you could snap a bull's neck? I didn't say bull. I said a buffalo. Okay. One is significantly more violent.

Who cares? I think a bull, you need to be a little, you need to use some, like decoys. I'll put like a fake cow out so it sees it and it's like, guys. Where'd you get a fake cow? You can go to any of these fucking like, you know, farmers markets, they got one out there.

Or I can just get that Italian guy stand that's at every pizza place, you know this guy? Yo, I'm one time, I would tip him over, spray paint white, a couple of black dots. They wouldn't tell the difference, bro. One time. I don't know if you were with me, but I went through this one summer.

I think I was like 18 or 19, where whenever you would go to a house party, I'd be like, I'm stealing something. Yeah. Because it was just funny to me, but I would steal like stupid shit. It wouldn't steal like valuables. Yes.

But it was one time. You would steal like a spoon. No, I would steal all the spoons. Oh, okay. There was one time I did that. So not funny. There was one time I did that where I took all of the spoons that I could find.

And I'm like, these people eventually are like, or maybe I left some spoons, but for someone to be like, where the fuck? We had 30 spoons. Where are they? That was funny to me. One time I took a TV remote, I was like, they're gonna be pissed about that.

Honestly, it is funny. I will be the first person to say it. And I remember one time, I was an idiot. I remember one time I was at a house party and people were trying to convince me to steal one of those statues. They had one in their house. Where it was like a little guy holding the pizza.

And I was like, this would be really funny, but I'm not gonna do it. Yeah, that would be a little tough. I retired. That was only one summer. I thought it was funny. And everyone thought it was funny. And you know me in attention.

So I was like, yeah. Yeah. And if it was funny for you, it would have been fucking way worse for me. Because that's cute. They were telling you to steal spoons while I was being told to dive through fucking tables with drinks on them.

Yeah. Frank would have been like, I will find the D to this house and burn it. Yeah. Oh, sweet. The basement would be hilarious if water filled it up. Yeah. Well, that also happened, but that was an accident.

Wait, what? We threw a house party at our friend's grandma's house. And we accidentally flooded the whole basement. What? How do I not know this? You don't know this? I don't know. I know who's- I know who your referencing.

Yeah. I mean, there was only two friends' grandmas that we would hang out at. And one of them was at the up party house toward the end of high school. This one was, we threw like a couple of house parties there. I remember. Like maybe two or three.

There was one where I found like an old rifle. Oh, yes. And I was hitting people with it? Yep, that was the one. Were you, yes, you were fucking- I was doing Call of Duty. Pistol whipping people. I was.

That was the house that someone flushed something that they were not supposed to flush. Condom. And it just started pouring. We had to shut the water off to the whole house. Pro. Yeah. That's insane.

I didn't know that. Yeah, that was bad. That was really bad. I remember. Oh, man. I remember coming down to the basement and just being like, this is like, it was like a movie. I was like, how?

It looked like the basement in- Fuck, what movie? Home Alone. It is Home Alone, right? Yeah, it wasn't that bad. He was in like fucking six inches of water. Like on the floor though was like an inch and a half. More than six inches of water.

He was in like a fucking foot and a half. Yeah, that's true. But it was- It was almost like waist deep. It was like an inch and a half of water. Geez. And there was a pipe where it was just gushing out. And I remember Keith just like screaming like,

shut the water off. But we didn't know how. Well, yeah. It wasn't my house. Exactly. It wasn't their house either. It was no one's house, honestly. That poor woman.

Is that grandmother still alive? I have no idea. Only she knew. She was away for the summer and we tried to fix it, but it ended up happening. Did she ever find out? Did we ever know? A hundred percent she found out.

Yeah, she did. Yeah. Bro, I forgot that part. I guess I must have not learned about that part. Yeah, but it was a good party, I guess. I guess. I don't really remember that party specifically. I do remember there being no air conditioning

in the whole time. There was no air conditioning. I remember that. I remember, oh, maybe I shouldn't tell this story. I remember someone giving a stone cold stunner to somebody else. Oh yeah. And this person sold better than any person

that you've ever seen. The rock fucking Shane McMahon. Yeah. Went down, popped up and went just straight back. They got a real stunner. And let me tell you this right now, on TV, it doesn't look like it hurt that bad, but that day that I saw the stunner.

When you're not expecting it and you get pulled, you get your head and neck. I thought I saw someone's fucking neck break. That was crazy. I honestly legitimately believe that someone was severely hurt. Yeah. That was a good time.

Good time. If you could go, I think I've asked this question. You'd go back and live a year of your life at the age of 16, 17, 18. I think. You could bring your money, Joey. Oh man. What was the currency exchange rate at that point?

I don't know. Foreign inflation. Rate of interest, rate of interest. I'll be there. I'll say this. I think at this point in my life, I would go back to when we were kids and the summers were like start at 7 a.m.,

I would go to the park, come home and eat something, go back to the park and then go home for dinner and then we'd be out all night. And playing like manhunt or sports the entire time. I would probably go back to that because that was really enjoyable. And it was just like, I don't know, you're just fucking completely ignorant

to the entire world. And it was just like cool that it was like. You had to be ignorant. The world was 10 blocks. It was great. But I do feel like this time period that I'm having now will be the one that I eventually will want to go back to.

Yeah, for different reasons, I'm in the same boat. Cause I know it'll eventually be like when my kids are kids. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Eventually they'll be like old and like angry and I'll be pissed at them. And they'll hate you and shit.

And they'll hate me. The cycle continues. And I'll just be like, I will, I remember when you were a kid and you couldn't talk. Boy, was that nice. That's the end of that sentence. It was a good time. All right, before we move on here,

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Well, you guys know what Patreon is. It's basically a subscription service where you get more of the basement yard. Yes, I couldn't say subscription, but now I can say it now. That first tier that you signed up for, well, guess what? These weekly episodes that you get every Monday morning, you can get them a week in advance,

seven whole days before anybody else. And when you go on YouTube and you see like, oh my God, so-and-so commented six days ago, how the heck, oh my God, they got it in the commentary, oh my God, guess what? Patreon is the way that they made it happen. And then that next tier, well, that next tier, that's where you get the sweet goodness, baby.

You get exclusive episodes every single Friday morning where we tend to be a little more off the rails. We tend to say whatever the heck we want and do whatever the hell we want. Why? That was from, I think you should leave. But so go check it out. If you continue to support us,

it'll be very, very, very helpful. But also, we've done stuff when we hit different goals. I did the one chip challenge. I had my pussy waxed. I had, you know, there's just so much stuff that I've done for the show. So at 12,000, Joey's gonna be doing something. We're not ready to tell you exactly what it is yet,

but guess what? You're gonna wanna help us get there. So patreon.com slash the basement yard. Go check it out right now. I promise you it's worth it. You don't remember that? Well, he's like, welcome to the post 10 p.m. tour

where no children are allowed. You could say whatever the hell you want. I do, I didn't get it, but I understood immediately. He's like, jizz. All right, big fat, no, he says, he goes, you said that we could say whatever you want. You can. All right, big fat low to come then.

Big fat low to come then. If you don't guys don't know what we're talking about, I think you should leave on Netflix. I love this sauce. That's all, I swear to God, I've done that like three times since the episode has started, worth it every time.

Guys, it sneaks up on ya. Secret handshake dot shop. It's so fucking good. I bought five bottles, and I intend on buying 20 more. Honestly, I, a bottle usually lasts me like,

I can eat like a third of the bottle with one meal. I swear to God, I can too. This is the thing, turn it into a pyramid scheme. Buy five bottles, give them out to four people, tell them, they buy five bottles.

They buy five bottles, and give it to five people. Yeah. You do that like five, six times, you got the whole population on the planet. Then we derail a bunch of families, take all their life savings. Bingo.

And just go to jail. And just start having absolute- Are you going to rich person jail? Which is just like chess. Which, yeah. You play chess and then- You play chess and you're in, you're like a cool like plastic room.

You meet some other rich guys. You play chess. Yeah. You play chess. You play tennis. Yeah. Your food is like fast food. Oh no.

Oh geez. What a problem. It's edible though. It's edible. It definitely is. Yeah. TV. And then you get out

and you go to like one of those like, Ponzi pyramid scheme type rallies that they have in like Vegas. Being like, we love Advocare. Maybe that was a little too real. I don't know what that is. You don't know Advocare?

No. Boy, there were- You don't have to tell me. Yeah. I don't care. You know what I do care about though? Two things. Actually nevermind.

I was going to, nevermind. But the thing I was going to talk about is that the Choco Taco. R.I.P. Choco Taco. Why would you discontinue this treat? I don't understand. I thought it was like a very popular ice cream.

Frankie, don't do this. Tell me. You don't like Choco Taco. Let me start with this. Start with yes or no, bitch. Let me start with this. I am a child of the 90s. My taste for ice cream treats knows no bounds.

I love ice cream. I was never a Choco Taco fan. You're really starting to piss me off. I felt it was overrated. How can this be overrated? Waffle cone, chocolate, ice cream, in the form of a taco. What else was in there, Luigi?

Choco cream. I, in theory, it is an absolute stellar. No, in practice. No, in that. In practice. Execution of the Choco Taco has been lacking. What was the problem? When you want a waffle cone or a sugar cone,

whatever the cones are called. It's waffle, you stupid bitch. When you bite into it, you want a crunch. Choco Taco. There was crunch. No, there wasn't. There was crunch. It was like soft.

It was like you were eating an ice cream sandwich that you wanted to be crunchy. The Choco Taco was an overrated dessert. You're a bastard. Pretty close. Listen, the Choco Taco, what's better than a Choco Taco? I mean, how much time do you got?

It's my show. All right, you ready? You ready? I'm gonna name three things off an ice cream truck, five things off an ice cream truck that are better. No, don't do it. You ready? It's not just the ice cream truck.

That's where you get the Choco Tacos from, Joe. I'm talking about. That's where you get the Choco Tacos. You went to a store and found a Choco Taco? No, you didn't. Yes, you did, bitch. You don't find Choco Tacos in stores. You find them their best off of a disgusting,

smelling piece of diesel fuel burning, fucking destroying the environment ice cream truck. That's a fact. It has a racist tune right into the streets of New York City. Why is it racist? Go look it up. Okay.

All I'm saying is you have Tweety Birds. Way better than a Choco Taco. Holy shit, no, they're not. You have Ninja Turtles. That's the same fucking pot. Way better. Frankie, Frankie, that's the same thing. You have Bugs Bunny.

That's also the same thing. Way better. Frankie, these are the same. These are the same screwballs. Hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, no. Frankie, Frankie, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm Frankie, hold on, hold on.

I know that Frankie. Stop, stop talking for a second. I know that we're doing a show when it's supposed to be funny. Yeah, this is not a joke. And like, it was a funny bit. He'd be like, oh my God, all those things are like different shades with the same ice cream.

This is not a bit. No, no, no, that was funny. To do that, whatever, the back and forth is really funny. Okay. You should close your computer. Yes, because I, when you said two ball screwball, were you trying to get a rise out of me

or you really think that a two ball screwball is better than a Choco Taco? A two ball screwball? Because hold on, because I just, before you answer, if you answer that question, yes, I'm gonna come over there and grab you by the neck and squeeze. Think of how a two ball screwball is constructed.

The gumballs in the bottom? Yes, incredible. I'd rather eat a mothball. You have to work. I'd rather eat a moth. You have to, first of all, mothballs smell delicious. Second of all, moth, protein. What do you get out of a Choco Taco?

You get this soft fucking little limp dick, fucking chocolate shell, ice cream cone shell. And then you bite into it and there's never enough ice cream and the chocolate ice cream ratio is a little off. I will say that. A two ball screwball is like digging for gold, baby. It's like playing roulette.

Are you fucking mad? It's like playing roulette and hitting your number, baby, double zeros. Because you get it and you're like, this is delicious. Wow, I'm gonna keep going. Oh, look, this has an ergonomical design that fits right into my hand.

Helps melt the sides because of the heat of my hand. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. What's this at the bottom? A two, not just one, but two of the shittiest pieces of gum on the earth. And then, let's not talk about it. Charlie, sit your ass down, you son of a bitch. Now, dare you, now, you wanna get the Tweety Birds?

Tweety Birds, the most underrated of all the characters. Okay, Bugs Bunny's, it's gray. Why does it taste like fruit? We don't know, we don't care. Delicious, they also have gumball eyeballs. Ninja Turtles, dude. You're gonna tell me you opened up a Ninja Turtles and you didn't see that orange Domino mask,

and you go, oh my God, I got Michelangelo. Who did you get? You got Raphael, no one likes you. Way better than a Choco Taco. Choco Tacos were overrated. And that's probably why their dumb ass has been putting 10 feet in the fucking ground. It's a recipe.

I don't know, they're getting buried deeper because we wanna forget their bastards. They're getting buried out there. They're getting fucking taken out. Boom, back in the head. They're getting one shot in the back of the head, execution mob style, and they're getting put right in the ground.

Charlie thinks you're getting into a fight right now. And this isn't a fight. This is a massacre on my part. Choco Tacos in design, stellar. In execution, they deserve to be dead and gone. Honestly, it's crazy that you can talk for that long and still be a bitch. You bitch, you bastard.

When was the last time you had a Choco Taco, honestly? Maybe a couple years ago. Within my adult life. Put it like that. So too soon. Within my adult life. So too soon. They're really fucking good.

I will say this. Well, how do you feel about ice cream sandwiches? Way better. I love ice cream sandwiches. Cause if you were gonna shit on that. Best part of the ice cream sandwich? Your fingers get the chocolate on them? Oh, I know, I don't like that.

I was gonna say licking it like a fucking, like a little vagina. Oh, you love to do that shit. Joey, by the way. What, like vaginas? Well, yeah, that. No, like you take the side. I know what you're doing,

but then the sides get all like your like grossness on it. I like just like turning it. You know what I mean? Do that one more time. Like that? I don't know. Open your mouth when you do it. Put your tongue out.

That's no, you're trying to set me up. Chocolate ice cream sandwiches are way better than a Choco Taco. I literally. I prefer an ice cream sandwich. I also can't eat one. Yeah, you need two. I need three.

And even the big ones, like they're like, oh, get a big one. It'll satisfy. No, I need two with the big ones too. Yeah. And the ones, but the ones that were better were the one that came in the paper wrapping. They don't come in.

I'm going in plastic wrapping now. Oh, I don't. Bro, I can name. No joke, 10 things Mr. Softy has is better than a Choco Taco. Nah, dude, the Choco Taco is really good. But let's be fair for a second. Can we just be fair before you just go on a fucking tirade?

That means nothing. The fucking Bugs Bunny, the Tweety Bird, and the Ninja Turtle are all the same thing. But your fucking tongue. Frankie, they are the same thing. Yeah? Yes. One of them is green.

One of them is yellow and pink. The other one is gray and white. Don't ask me what those flavors equate to in the real world, but they are delicious. I can equate it to something right now. Do you have a favorite M&M? Because you're also an idiot. No, first of all, everyone has a favorite M&M.

Which one? Joey, 3, 2, 1, red. One, you're a basic bitch. Two, I hate to pull the wool of your eyes at 30 years old, but they all are the same. I know they all taste the same, Joey. That's like, let me guess, you have a favorite Skittle too. All I'm saying is that all I'm saying

is the Choco Taco was like, it was like the Joe Biden of ice creams. Everyone was like, oh my god, this is way better, way better. Oh my god, this is so cool. Look at this. Look at this. Look at what you're making here. And then you had it and you're like, it's a little soft.

It's a little, OK, it's good, you know, OK. I'll give it another shot. I thought this was going to be there. I'll give it another shot. The next time you get it, you're like, it could be. I got it from the same spot. It could be. It's not as good.

Third, fourth time you get it, you're like, now wait a second. That's funny. Bring the Choco Taco out, Patrick. I don't agree, though. I don't agree. About Biden or the Choco Taco? I like the analogy, but I don't think it applies to the Choco Taco.

I think we had an opportunity, Joe. Secret handshake foods. Yes. We have an opportunity to make history. And bring back the Choco Taco. No, but instead of criticizing and thinking about the death of the Choco Taco, we have an opportunity to do something different with the world.

Give the world its first spicy ice cream sandwich. OK. We have an opportunity. The way you're speaking, like you're on a stage. Oh, don't shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I'm speaking like all your fucking rich friends

are like, there was a chance that we might be able to revolutionize the way that the market equates to the three-tenth downside. The three-tenths. Three-tenths. Just because I'm not an entrepreneur enough? No, that's not what I was referring to. I was saying the way that you were speaking was like the.

Was because I didn't guess an email. No, because you. No, you were theatrical. I am theatrical. Three-out your cow. All I'm saying is I love you. Wait, what? Not including these fucking pops, because I know that's

your answer. But what are you? What's your other top three of an ice cream truck? It's a two-ball screwballs at the top of that list? It might be. That's like insane. They haven't made him in a while, but you remember Great White Sharks?

That's the same thing, too. No, it's just it's a big lemon shark. Bro, you're literally picking the same ice pop. No, I'm not, Joey. This is more icy than it is creamy. OK. What else? I mean, soft serve for Mr. Softy.

Yeah, what was your order for that? Vanilla rainbow sprinkles. Did you ever do a double cone type of thing? I never did a double cone, because I wasn't rich. Were those a lot more? I had a dollar, and I was getting the ice cream. Bro, you remember when shakes were affordable, and then I was like, OK.

Bro, Mr. Softy recently came to my house, and a fucking double cone is like $7.50. Get the fuck out of here. It's nuts, dude. You basically got to fucking pay half your mortgage in order to have some ice cream nowadays. Yeah. I wasn't any of those.

I wasn't also one of those cool kids. I get them dipped in the heart. I used to get that. That wasn't my main order. I was also a vanilla rainbow sprinkle kind of girl. We know you are. But the cherry dip, that's good. I was never a good cherry dip guy.

I liked it. I never a cherry. I also didn't get, people were getting fucking banana splits and Sundays with fucking fruit on them from Mr. Softy, and he was like, bro, what are you eating? Yeah, that's fucking insane. How long has that been in there? Yeah.

Like, the fuck is going on? Also, I've never had a banana split in my life. I have. They're good. But like, a banana is an ice cream. Yeah, dude, they're delicious. Never had it. They're really good.

So weird. It looks really cool. I would love to go like an ice cream parlor, where people are wearing little hats and shit, and they're doing whipped cream out of a little like shh thing. Oh, like out of the thing. It's like a skinny tube. It's like shh.

The thing that Steve would do whip-its with? Yes. Yes. I know those. It's crazy how that's how we know what that is. But I would love to go to a place like that. And they just like, just like, fudge on it. It's like hot, but cold.

Yeah, but also, I don't like my, I have decided to spend my life with a psychopath who likes to have their ice cream kind of melted. They call it, and I quote, soupy. I'm talking about my wife. Yeah, I know you're talking about. She soupy? She likes her ice cream soupy.

To the point where she lets it melt a little bit before she eats it. And I'm like, bro, it's ice cream. If you want it soupy, just get a fucking jug of heavy cream and drink it. Yeah. Can't do it. Yeah, I don't like that.

I like it to be a little hard. I want it hard. I want it hard. I want it to be hard the whole time. I like when you're near the end, then you can start to like, you know what I'm saying? Like, by the end, you get a little bit of liquid, but also still icy.

No, I like it. I like it. I try to finish it while it's still all ice. No, I try to too, but you know. What's your favorite ice cream? Go. Like from the store, you're going to buy it. You just get like it.

Are we talking like plain Jane flavors? Or like, are we going to like a specific brand? No, not like some Ben and Jerry's thing where it's like fucking crazy. There's a Ben and Jerry salted caramel core with blondies. I haven't had that, but it's probably unbelievable. Bro, it's the greatest.

I bought it once. Miles just ate the core of caramel. Yo, that's a fireable offense. Honestly, he almost got put on furlough. Yeah. I would say, honestly, natural vanilla. Like with the little dots in it, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, I know you're talking about.

I also like I'm a big dulce de leche. I love caramel. So like, like. You don't like dulce de leche. What about cookie dough? It's OK. Really? I feel like I'm like, I'm like tempting fate by eating that

and like being like, I might get salmonella with my ice cream. No, come on. Well, that's what I feel like, Joey. Oh, I'm just saying. I'm not a big. I'm not a big like chocolate ice cream fan. It's I feel like it means much. I don't like chocolate.

I'll drizzle chocolate on, you know, I like that. You know, but but I don't like chocolate ice. I mean, I'd like chocolate ice cream. Don't get me wrong. I like it, but I wouldn't choose it. I would never go for it. I would like vanilla, bro. Yeah, but I do.

But I like chocolate chips in my vanilla. Oh, yeah. And I like some chocolate drizz. I know it's not technically ice cream and it's probably just frozen high fructose corn syrup. But Baskin Robbins rainbow sherbet. There are PPs. Dude, that's dope.

Tell me about the Civil War again. Fucking old person sherbet. Rainbow sherbet from fucking. I also say sherbet. Yeah, who the fuck sherbet? I think it is sherbet, though. Your mom once came home with a tub of like the like store bought sherbet.

No, this bitch used to buy a lot. It looked like a loaf of bread. Damn, you dropped a hard bitch on your mom. Yeah, dude, she used to buy like this thing. I'm like a loaf of bread, but it was orange. And it was just ice cream. And I was like, that sucked. Yeah, I don't know what the hell she was thinking.

Can we agree on one thing? One thing only? Yeah. Creamsicles are disgusting. I don't know that I've had one. But I don't like that kind of. I don't like orange shit. I love orange.

I love orange. Icees. Those are good. Legoules? Bro, there's nothing better than being in a park and a little fucking Spanish lady pushing one of those things. And it's a dollar. Oh, in a paper cut?

Ice and a paper thing? No, nothing better. No, but I didn't get orange, because they never had orange, the one that would come in the park. I got lemon lime from some good shrunks. I was going to say, rainbow and lemon lime. Lemon lime is off the spots. Because rainbow was blueberry, cherry, and lemon,

or sometimes coconut. Yeah, rainbow is my shit. Oh my god. Lemon too, just lemon, like old school lemon. Yeah, but legoules, orange, ice. Bro, I swear to God, I can eat 40 pounds of it. You know what's a fucking stupid candy, raw candy? The fuck is this?

Fuck you. It's delicious. Let me guess, you put in your tea or coffee or whatever? Second of all, hard fuck you. Don't you dare talk about my tea like that, you stupid bitch. Raw candy is so stupid, dude. Raw candy is just fucking candy, dude. It's up there with fucking wax lips.

Wax lips is not edible. It's wax. Raw candy is sugar, crystallized sugar. Stupid. It's not stupid. What do you like, Joey? You know what's stupid? Mike and Ike's and fucking Hot Tamales.

Fuck you and your mom. Sorry. You mentioned her before. I don't know why that. Liz, I love you. Literally, I love you so much. Jesus Christ. Fuck you and your mom.

Oh, God. You ever say that again. I actually feel really bad about that one. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're all offended. Your mom might be. Nah, she's all right. She's doing well.

Sorry yesterday. OK. There was a christening. Slam and wine. Slam and wine. I was in church for the first time. And you didn't spontaneously combust? Not for the first time.

First time in a while. Because you have broken some sins. I'll tell you this. Well, you've committed some sins. Yeah, I've broken some commandments. The church smells exactly the same. Well, yeah, there's church scent. It's crazy.

Let me ask you, holy water, can you drink it? I don't think you're supposed to. Why? You're supposed to just bless motherfuckers. But like, what is it? But people are putting their hands in that shit. OK. I get a brand new bottle of holy water.

If I drink it, what happens to me? Nothing, it's just water. But it's wise. It has a smell to it. You know that. No, they don't put anything in it. They just fucking go over it and they go. So any water is holy water?

No, they have to bless it, you stupid asshole. Did you bless this water and make it holy water? Yeah, I'm a priest. You're a child of God. You've been confirmed in the eyes of the Lord and our Savior, Jesus, H Christ. I also can't marry people yet. I have to go online and take a quiz or something.

Wait, what? They have to be ordained, don't you? Oh, to do the marrying, not become a married. No, if you want to become a married in the Catholic church, you have to go to a fucking whole day thing that's like eight hours. It's called pre-cainant. You never heard of this?

What? Dude, it's my sister. But why do you guys try to make shit all fucking like so authority? Yeah, hold on. Bro, you're a part of my fucking. You were confirmed. Apostle Paul?

You were confirmed in the eyes of the Lord. So you've got to fucking die for his sins now. So let me fucking bless you with some shit. Why do you guys make this shit harder? Bro, I don't know. It's so crazy. You want to get married. Why can't they just do it?

Why do they need to go to a fucking school? So the idea behind it is, you have to go to this thing. It's legit like eight hours. And it costs money. But they say it's a donation. It's not. OK. But you have to go and take this thing.

And you do like, there's like worksheets that have stuff on it. Like, how many kids would you want? But you take them separately. And then you compare answers and see where you guys are like. So if you get one wrong, are you fucked? No. It's to see if you guys are like a good match for each other.

Like, they think you're going to find out in this fucking class. They're like, actually, I don't know if I want to be with this man. Because he wants four kids. And I want one kid. And it's like. You think that's something you didn't speak about prior to that? This is my point. But they have this thing there.

And you need to do it in order to get married in a Catholic church. Yeah. To my knowledge, maybe I'm wrong. I know that my sister and my brother-in-law had to do that. And his answers were fucking hilarious. Oh, he fucked with it the whole time? Yeah. Nothing was like.

It was like, what do you think that? What do you think is your partner's favorite part about you? And he just wrote, I'm yoked on it. And I don't know if you had to present it or like hand it in or something. Oh, my God, I wish. But she kept taking pictures of his paper. And he had like hilarious answers. I didn't know this.

Why do you have to go to school longer to get married than you do had to learn to drive? What? No, you do. Driving school, it takes a while. Oh, didn't? Well, I actually didn't go to driving school. I went to, I took my defensive driving course, which was like two hours.

And then I did like three times driving with someone, which was maybe a half hour each. And then I took the test. You've got to be more prepared to marry. When did you get your license, 18? No, 20. Oh, wow. I got mine like when I was 18.

I didn't see the point in it. I didn't have a car. I definitely wanted one, but I just didn't want to stay after school and do all the driving things. I had gotten my permitted 17. Yeah, I don't know. I think I was 17 when I got mine too. But then I just learned how to drive.

And then I had to take one class, sit there and watch a video for whatever it was. And then I took my test. I only got five points off. I think I got a perfect score. To my knowledge, they don't really do that. I think I did it. I don't know. I don't see any evidence of that.

I only got five points off. That's all I'm going to say. I think I did perfect. Where do you have to drive? I had to drive by the dumps. I drove on, like, 21st Street and 20th Avenue. It was weird too, because MP came. It was like in the morning.

That's exactly where I was too, yeah. And then he was like, but I wasn't down the dumps. I went down 21st Street. Yeah, I went down that street, came down back toward the dumps, double parked near 100. The dumps are 19th Avenue. There was nowhere near there. It was near Con Ed.

Yeah, like 20th Avenue. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, whatever. But I remember I was standing there with MP in because he had just gotten his license the month before or something. And he goes, yo, you should be good. He's like, as long as you don't get that woman,

because I heard that she's made a B line for me in the middle of his sentence. And I was like, great. Yeah. But you were fine. Score, bitch. I did better than you. Wow, we get it.

You're amazing. I am, actually. I just want you to never forget that. Well, the reason why I got five points off is because I am a white male. Well. And we don't get anything handed to us anymore. That's right.

We have to work really hard for our stuff. Oh, I bet you do. And that's why they just gave it to you, though. Yeah, go, man. Boy, oh boy. Francisco Alvarez, oh, fun here. Jeez. God almighty.

We have some friends with the most like. I want to crack this over your fucking skull. Like, well, my name's not that white, because San Diego is not common. Like, if I was like, Smith or something. Smith isn't necessarily a very common name. Well, you know what I mean? Like, just a white name, like, I don't know, whatever.

But like, you're Francisco Alvarez. Like, that's fucking sp- fucking spash. You're a soil colombiano. Yeah, you know. And then I met, I met Hussein. Like, that's, it's like. You can give out our socials while you're at it. Yeah.

Bro. We have Antonina Vino. I met a guy this weekend who, at the wedding that I went to, and he knew all these random things about me that like, no one knows. Like, what? And now, I don't know. But I was a little drunk, so I was like,

well, you know, my fucking socials are the fuck out of you. What does he know? I kind of need to know. Oh, tell me offline. Yeah, it was weird, because now I'm interested. He, like, mentioned that, like, our friends play in a soccer league. Well.

And I was like. He probably knows that through other ways. Yeah, but I, but it was just like a random guy. Like, it was just weird. But I was just like, yeah. Anyway, had a good time. That was weird. Yeah, I'm going to get it dope.

But anyway, you guys can go follow me at Joe Sanagato. Go follow the show at the Baseman Yard on TikTok and Instagram. And Frank, where can they find you, bud? I might do a little more, too. Mm-hmm. L5, where is 8085 on Twitter? The Frank Alvers on Twitch, I guess, if you want,

and Instagram. But go check out patreon.patreon.com. That's the Baseman Yard. Get these weekly episodes a week in advance. Get the exclusive episodes every single Friday. Make sure you go to Secret Handshakes. Just Google Secret Handshake Foods. Or Google Everything Bagel Hot Sauce.

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