The Basement Yard - #373 - The Least Manly Thing About Me

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

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Welcome back to the basement yard Yeah, you gotta be careful with those. I know they'll spit They don't spit Frank. Who's the purse every family has the one person that always forgets how to open carbonated beverages Who's yours? What do you mean like my mom? Every single time she opens a bottle of seltzer. She goes everywhere. She's erratic. She's a she it's irresponsible open open shit She is very irresponsible with the way she goes about it and it's never changed She's been opening these drinks for 59 years possibly. I don't know that You don't know how old your mom is. No, I know she's 59, but I don't think she was a newborn opening bottles

By the way, I don't know if people know this or mom's have the same birthday very same birthday like that's crazy different years Your mom is in her 80s now Frank. I'm gonna tell Liz you said that She looks way better than my mom But yeah, it was on May 18th kind of crazy. Yeah, they're both Taurus's right Is that the the thing? The sign you think I know the answer. You know why I know because my brother got a tattoo of my my mom's He does yes, he did. Oh my god on his chest. Yeah, and underneath it has like the typical like tattoo lettering This is like Nancy. I think yeah. Yeah, some stupid. It's beautiful. Love his mom. Yeah, you know what I mean

It's all right. They say if you're gonna get a tattoo of anyone's name on you, which would be your kids What's her Chinese new year? Oh, that's a good question. What is it called Chinese Chinese new year? You're right the monkey. We're the monkey. We're the monkeys. I know we're the we're the year of the monkey That was fire bro. What does that mean, bro? Maybe I believe the Chinese one. I don't believe the white girl one What's the white girl one? Like you're either like like a Taurus really like pumpkin spice or you're uh, no like it's like Yo, I was born in the year of the Ugg boot. What does the Chinese? Year of the monkey mean it's like you're playful and like you're funny and you're a little like I think you're just describing monkeys

Why the fuck do you think that's the year of it Joe? I have to go shut off the air I just realized that the year of the monkey. We're gonna cut this And we're back you were here Nothing ever happened like we never left it's called editing ha ha But okay, you're the monkey. I think the year the monkey because I'm problem We were in elementary school. This was like the biggest thing people love to talk about this shit Chinese stuff, right? Yeah, no one talks about Chinese stuff anymore. You're talking about tiktok. That's Chinese stuff. Is it? Oh, the Chinese they own tiktok. Yeah, bro. You're not good, right? I don't know. Whoa. Why not?

No, no, they're the enemies. I think You just said that and I froze. Yeah, no, um, no, I mean, yeah No, but China, you know Probably I don't know I'd probably run a country a little differently just from what I've seen but then again I don't know, you know, I got the hiccups. He's so nervous and is getting me. Yeah, I think so China's getting me. Yeah, but they own the talk Also, you want to hear something funny? I heard about China. Yeah, okay. I heard that Since they control the algorithm or whatever, right?

They know it all they try to keep American algorithms like idiot shit. That's why we get a bunch of stupid idiots Yeah, that's where famous and they're like Dressing up as a cowboy and doing a dance. Yeah, yeah Cyrus song. Yes, but in China They feed like like they get more like Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah, like innovation like Gordon Ramsay kids Who want to be astronauts? Yeah, and we get fucking Logan Paul not I guess I can't talk shit about Logan Paul He's the face of the whole thing and he'll punch my head clean off of my shoulders props props But like yeah, we get like the stupid people like Who's like real dumb? Who's real dumb on the internet? Oh all of us

Yeah, that's that's definitely two people that I think we're on there now. Okay Chinese year the monkey. Yeah, so the years are 1956 shout out to my all my 56 viewers 68 1968 1980 1992 I didn't realize that it was 12 years because there's 12 animals There's like the year of the dragon the year of the rat. It's rat ox tiger rabbit dragon snake horse goat monkey Rooster dog and pig bro imagine being born in the year of the cock That's got to be all yeah, what it so it's like there's all these personality year the pig. Yeah, it's like what are you?

Little piggy. Yeah, you're a pig. Yeah, that's that's a good by the way that and crap need to come back calling people pigs I've been calling myself a pig lately. I love I love it. Can I start calling you a pig? Sure? I like you racist pig. Well, you don't have to add In China people born in a year of the monkey are called monkeys this we're probably gonna have to go to a different site They haven't said anything this whole thing Frankie, that's what it says. I'm not even kidding Yeah, go go about telling calling a bunch of people, you know monkeys. Yeah, that works out for you Okay, now you're okay. Here we go. Finally. I have something People born in the year of the monkey have a have magnetic personalities that that that I do and are witty

I'm definitely that and intelligent. I am three for three Personality traits like mischievousness. That's me. I'd like to pull pranks curiosity I'm curious about pulling pranks. Yeah, and cleverness make them very naughty Naughty. I mean you got the naughty factor. There's sex toys all over this room. There actually is sex toys. I saw vibrating eggs I don't think they vibrate. I really I still don't know that master baiting eggs I think that you take the egg apart and then you just kind of like suck your suck your fuck with your with an egg Suck your fuck with an egg. Yeah monkeys are masters of practical jokes That's me. Really? I hate practical jokes. I love a good practical joke. I pulled one practical joke in my life

And I got slapped in the face Your dad mom. Oh your mom hit you. I want to say it was my mom Doesn't say your mom's not a slapper as far as I know Me and Keith put a bucket of water Oh, yeah on top of the door so that when you open the door, it will come down on you. Of course. Yeah So there's a thing when you're eight you don't really do this well No, because you're dumb the bucket is supposed to tip. Yes, but I just made it so the bucket would fall So the bucket just hit my mom

Filled with water so a bang a pale a pale filled with water Yes, struck your mom on the fucking crown of her skull and she Guess what the water by the way went all over the hallway No, okay, so because the bucket hit her head the water just spilled out She turned around pal and I was like I deserve that one that one may sense I've pulled two of the what I would consider the best practical jokes actually I pulled a couple some of them are pretty good You're pretty practical. I'm pretty practical one My brother this is a weird one. This is the weird one of the two my brothers

Wiped their bass like when they went to go shit and They put it in a cup and hit it in my room So my room smelled like human shit Okay, yeah, so when are you gonna do the job because I got back I Took the the shit riddled Toilet paper out of the cup and I set it up and taped it So it was right at eye level when they left their room So they walked out of the room and they walked right into a shit cupboard paper toilet paper

You and your brothers were having shit wars with human shit That's what it's like with boys in a house, you know, no, I've been in a house with boys There was like farting and like pushing and shoving I think there was not a lot of farting that I remember they didn't have to be farting there was shitting Frank Which is much worse then the other one that was pretty funny was I got I there was like a point in my teenage years Where I got bad nosebleeds for no reason, okay? Might it might have been a might have been a dat maybe the elevation well It's probably the elevation yeah

And I got one really bad one time and I covered like multiple paper towels with blood like drenched Okay, so I heard my sister pulling up to the house So I laid on the floor. I covered are you fucking insane? Yeah, I covered my face in the paper towels and wiped a knife with it and put it next to my You did that it was pretty sick. It was it got her. She was terrified. Yeah, you fucking created a murder scene You psychopath how old were you? 15 16 I would have I would have took that knife and fucking stuck it right through your trachea Yeah, it was it was that one. She was like real like she walked in. I remember she walked in and she was

Freaking out bro. You can like traumatize people like that. Well, she found out it was a joke so Did she just scream she was like, oh my fucking what the fuck and I started like she saw me laughing So I like stood up. It was like gotcha. I would have just socked you as hard as I could Keep me in the face, bro. I would have punched you as hard as it could that isn't in You wiped the blood on the night. This kid's a psychopath dude. That is a crazy story really good prank I'm using I don't know that that falls under practical joke a practical joke is like I'll pull my finger in your fart My at that point in time my sister thought like she was very scared

That's the whole point is you want to scare people? I also one time hit under the Like the like couch in her room when she had like a futon and I grabbed her ankle and she walked in that's a classic That's good. That's a good one. That's fine. The blood one was really good though Frank. That's horrible dude I'm just kidding. I'm not fucking dead. Yeah, that's what it was and oh laugh. Hello. Yeah, how was your day, bro? That's crazy. You wouldn't do so. All right. Let me ask you this. That's not very witty or intelligent What are the what are the years of your siblings and parents so we can try to see if these Chinese zodiac sign works? Joe Keith is 90 Continue reading it says monkeys are masters of practical jokes because they like playing most of the time

Yeah, although they don't have bad intentions. They're pranked sometimes murder other people's feelings Sort of their prank sometimes traumatized their sister. Well, listen, you know, my sister wasn't traumatized. She was and is okay Oh, there's more monkeys are fast learners and crafty opportunists Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, I don't know I was trying to get a read on you They have many interests and need partners who are capable of stimulating them. Don't we all? Well, yeah, I think that's pretty I think everyone like stimulation. Yeah Oh Wow

Well, so yeah, yeah, well some like the except Take your time take three eccentric, okay Nature of monkeys others don't trust their sly restless and inquisitive nature Although they are clever and creative monkeys can't always exhibit their talents properly They they they like to accept challenges and prefer urban life to rural life. I Urban life is fun urban life urban. We grew up in an urban environment. Mm-hmm. Astoria was pretty urban Maybe even a little sub urban

Urban lucky numbers four and nine Literally have neither to do with me neither mean nothing to me either The lunar days are the 14th and the 28th still nothing lucky colors white blue and gold Don't care for either of those. No, it's not a color. I like green lucky flowers Crate myrtle what that's not a flower. That's a food. That sounds like a pie. It sounds like a dying ghost and then a chrysanthemum chrysanthemum chrysanthemum chrysanthemum mom chrysanthemum

chrysanthemum, okay? Lucky lucky directions, okay for China Literally the north of northwest and west. What are you talking about? Well? I mean that makes sense, you know You always want to be head north. We're determined That's monkeys want to go in the right direction, but what about west? You know if you're off a little left You know lucky months the 8th and 12th Chinese lunar months. We don't know what those are Unlucky things. Oh, here we go. This might be this might be a power ball Unlucky numbers two and seven. Those are like everyone's lucky. Everyone's favorite numbers basically Terry Jeter and lucky seven

unlucky colors pink Yeah, it's fine. I like red. I like red I like red though is you know my favorite color three two one purple. Yes, good job Yeah, I change my color all the time. Yeah, you were green for a while. I'm green now You were I think you were I used to tell people black and then I would get a bunch of shit That's right. You were well because you were agent zero No, I said black because I liked black and that's the absence of color and I'm like and you called yourself agent zero

That was yes, we're on the same time. Yeah, what is who would have my dad was born in 1960? What is he the year of the piece of shit? Hold on monkey year. No Chinese zodiac year 1960 year 1960 1960 He's a rat. He's your fucking bag. He's a filthy fucking rat filthy fuck a wet bash 2020. You're the rat That's a good year fucking. He got me. He got me. Yeah, you got me again. That's sort of a bitch get out of here He's wearing a shirt said exposed Beautiful

2020 year the rat not good. What does it say like your little cunning little like piece of garbage dwelling asshole? You want to just like talk to a professional? I love my dad. I do I joke with him though Why this is so hard to find. Oh, here we go. Okay. What's his birthday? I'm not gonna give you a social to forget it. I'm gonna do my dad's birthday I know I'll give you my dad's birthday. Nope. You miss your shot Frank now. I'm having fun. Yep Okay, here we go fine. He's a goat You're dead. Okay. This is how you know it's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. Let me I'm gonna take a wild guess personality There's three things. All right. I'm gonna take a wild guess calm

Go calm level-headed No calm loving Obedient calm is legitimately the first thing That scared me. I would I would of all the things I would classify your dad. We joke around your dad's a good guy Yeah, not not calm not calm also the next word gentle definitely not gentle Definitely not gentle we're talking about a man that I would sit next to at dinner and he used to stab me with his fork all the time Yeah, but that was because you were a little asshole. I would even even even stabbed the guy was a firefighter and a contractor There's neither of those are very gentle occupations. Oh, no his hands were a fucking nightmare. Oh, your dad had hands like baseball Mitz

Mm-hmm. I Legitimately, I don't think he could like grab something without tearing it to shreds. I know dude, and I've been grabbed by him And the last word is sympathetic I Don't know I guess I don't know your dad in terms of sympathetic abilities I mean, he's you know what it is He's more sensitive than he is sympathetic the guy loves to cry one time he hit a bucket one time my dad hit for hold on I don't know if I told you this story to gear up. Did I tell you the story about how my dad hit a raccoon?

No, I hate raccoons. Let them all die every single one. Oh time out raccoons are mad cute I'll gut them all and fucking string them up. I hate them all them and possums Well possums are gross because they are raccoons a little. No possums have mean faces, but raccoons are cute But they eat garbage. Let me be very clear. Yeah, all of them can go whatever dude So anyway, my dad was driving And he hit a raccoon Okay My and then he comes through the door right and we're all like in the living room and we're watching tv

And he comes through the door and he's like And we're like what's going oh like you were like in panic What's going because you never see your dad like that and he sits down like at the landing of the stairs and he's just like I hit a raccoon and we were like I was thinking like the worst thing ever if I hit a raccoon I'd celebrate Bro, he was and he then at one point. He was like, I swear to god. He's like, I'm not kidding you joe I would rather hit a kid What swear to god

He said that did and and he fucking meant it you think so. Yeah, and then the next that's the scary part Yeah, I mean, yeah, there had to have been a thing of yeah, that's that's dad again But there was a time where Keith or Shannon was in the car with him And then he was driving by the spot where he hit the raccoon And then he's like, see this is where I hit him and then he goes Pretends he's playing a trumpet It was a bad boy salute to this goddamn raccoon I try to avoid hitting any animals, but my theory is like if you're dumb enough to get under my car

You're dumb enough to get fucking squashed by it Dude, I've almost like flipped my card trying not to hit Squirrels and shit the other day. I almost fucking Buried a cat bro. I went I went I went over a bird once and I heard the crunch pop I heard it and I I was actively driving and like Becca looked at me and I was like, yeah Oh, yeah But they're they're they're sky rats, you know what I mean? Like who cares once once I hit it it was quick the soul left its body went to wherever it had to go and that was it

It was done One time I thought I hit like a like a kid with my car That would be terrifying. Yeah, I was pretty scared um, I was in the car with Keith And uh, I hit I hit something you couldn't have been. Oh, is this the story you always tell me where like You were in the car with Keith and like something happened. He was like and it was dead quiet And he goes see this is what I'm talking about Joe and you were like What what are you talking?

That was when Charlie was in the back seat and had to slam my brakes because someone backed out of their driveway mad fast And Keith's just snapped we just went she's what I'm talking about and we hadn't talked about it I was like talking about what what do you say? There was no basis for the conversation But I I hit this thing and then I I was like We were dry because we were like singing or something and I wasn't really paying attention I hit something so I kept going and then I was like I have to circle the block like what the fuck that I hit like I think it was a box like a cardboard box And I went back and it was but I was like so scared for a second

Well, you're a good person because if it was a kid, you just went right back to the scene of the crowd Well, I just wanted to see if it was a kid and then I would have left Gotcha, you would have been like oh it was. Oh Fucking right on the run right Would you like if you had hit like someone would you stop and get out or would you like take off? What do you think I don't know you think if I hit a human being with my car that I would continue driving I'd probably get out and then put a bullet in my face Nah, it's a little tap. It's not that bad if you're hitting them fast, then you got a problem

No, I've only hit that one guy Well, he hit me you hit someone dude the guy on the motorcycle. They got me fired that Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. I um one of my ex-girlfriends Was getting like stalked and harassed by a guy who was trying to sue her and her dad because she opened the car And he went he was on a bike and went through the window That's fire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty damn, dude I wish that kind of wished that would happen because I don't see falling off a bike being that painful It would be pretty rad if you got hit like that one of my

These guys that I know they own a clothing store in brooklyn and they were like Yo, look at this video and they showed me on their phone It was like right outside their shop So they had like the thing and someone just like opened their door and a guy in a bike came in just fucking Said yeah over the thing when flying car almost hit him was crazy. That's kind of like if it's if it's bad It's not cool, but if it's cool, it's rad. You know what I'm saying Please stop saying rad like a fucking skateboard. It's a word. I'm trying to bring back, you know, yeah Wait, what's your dad's birthday? December 16 1960

December 16 you're the rat. I need to hear these words to come up to discuss my dad 1960 Quick-witted You know what honestly he can be say what this next one is very true resourceful He is resourceful very resource. He'll he'll you'll go to sleep and wake up and he built a full table out of nothing Versatile yeah, I could say he's versatile kind Yeah, he can't he can't be he can't be but then he can there are other times he can't be

You know sometimes he's like, yeah, that's all of us, babe. Yeah We all can be kind. They kind but loving your dad likes to hold your hand kiss you He did until a very uncle if it was up to your daddy kiss the fuck you kiss a shit out of my dad would kiss The fucking lights off me. You should kiss him for like Christmas. No, it's that's I'm too old now I have kids of my own you think of my my kids see me kissing my daddy. It's fucking over for them No, no, I will tell the room. It doesn't know what's going on. You can switch your dad I will tell the kids in their class to bully them for it if I knew bro if I knew yeah, you knew because you're a fuck If I knew your dad kissed his dad you would be called

In 2006 you'd be called gay so hard bro bro my dad kissing his dad. Yeah Oh, wow. No, my grandpa dude that would have not flown with him. Was he like your dad on steroids? I didn't know him too well But like from what thomas tells me and like my cousins. He's like, yeah, this is the funniest fucking guy in the world. Yeah What else to say about my dad? Uh, uh, that was it. That was anything about him loving me. No, no, no, I think I like that I know you're looking for answers. I just don't have them for you, buddy Uh, anyway, let's get to these first, uh, couple of ads that we have here the first one being better help

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s i m p l i s a f e dot com slash baseman again 40 off your order when you go to simply safe.com slash baseman. So Go get it folks. All right, and uh, I wanted to uh, I guess start this episode by Someone tweeted recently and it was like Podcast hosts 40 minutes into an episode. All right. Let's dive right in It's like, yeah, that might be us. We will take us longer We will dive in and talking about the patreon though patreon.com slash baseman yard

I want to make sure I put this in there and let people know Uh, uh, hold on we are we have to hit it this month. Yeah, we're at we're at 11,500 Something right now. We need under 500 people to join the patreon to hit 12,000 And then we're gonna do professional drag and I I'm I need to do it. You need oh you need to scratch that itch You just need to confirm. I need to see what I look like in full drag bad Yeah, I'll tell you this chances are you look good. Yeah. Yeah, I would say so I think you look pretty good I feel like I'm gonna be able to sing really well because I'm dressed like that

Does that make sense? You know, honestly want to know something? I do think that it'll help you sing Yeah, not you. I think like whoever's in drag. They're just better at everything Not everything. I'll fucking cross up a performing queen perform. Okay Put a drag queen out there on the courts you say that now the drag queen's gonna come out and like fucking 18 inch pumps and start crossing you up probably But what we're talking about guys is the patreon account patreon.com slash the baseman yard It's not a very laborious task all you have to do is go to that website

And join today in order to support joey and I if we get to 12,000 We're doing that drag episode and there's exclusive content on there that nobody else gets a chance to see Sign up for that first tier you get weekly episodes a week in advance You sign up for that second tier boop boop you get exclusive episodes every single friday me getting wax joey doing an enema There's a bunch of stuff on there and you could watch all the old stuff as well as whatever comes out new So patreon.com slash the baseman yard. We might be able to do it this month joe Yeah, I think so. I think we have to hit it if you if if Maybe we should make that part of like the episode if if and when we get into drag

We have to like sing two songs that we think will be really good for us What songs would you pick? It's brain and man You're going very typical the first time. It's a good song. It is a good song. Yeah, I am going typical You're going typical. I would go something like that. You wouldn't think of like what laffy taffy by d4l Now hold on a second. You might be honest something. Yeah, that's a good song. No, I would say Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow Copa Cabana. Yeah, that's a good song, right?

I guess it's a very good song Uh, can I ask you a question? No I'm gonna ask it. I know I know you were it's a podcast. Um All right, let's dive right in What do you think the least manly thing about you is? Oh Or maybe just text your wife and ask her what do you think the least manly thing about me is I'm gonna ask I'm gonna ask right now. It's a fun question

Are you handy Am I I I'm handy, but I I struggle because she's very handy. Oh, so like She'll be like so you're she's more handy. She's more handy. So she'll just be like I want to like do this and I'm like I got it. Yeah. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Can we be on your phone there bucko? I just said that those words just came out of my mouth just now. What's the least Manly thing about me Let's see what she says. I have what do you think the least manly thing about me is Hmm

The choices the choices, uh, I don't know that's that's tough. I I think like You're pretty prototypical like damn I would say Uh, I don't know. Honestly. I don't know. I'm trying to think you you're you're a little bit of a metrosexual Little bit, you know what the least manly thing about you is I'm not enough of a metrosexual. No Oh, hold on. What the fuck are you gonna say now, bitch? I'm gonna tell you bitch. Yeah, let me hear it I've said this to you before. Yeah, you use the word Newties, yeah, that's that's a little I hate it. Yeah, but that's not like it nudes

But he says naked pictures. I say no, you don't you say nudies No, no, I'm saying that's what nudies are like if a celebrity's pictures like leak on the internet He was like, you know, did you hear about uh scarlett Johansson's nudies and I'm like, you're a grown man and I'm a grown man And you're nudie. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You know the word that it's a word that I've used since the early times So it just stuck with me the early times were you a dinosaur? It's since nudies became a thing see you've been using nudies became a thing It has been a part of the vocabulary nudies Is a word that children used to describe noodles

It's not for nude pictures I will say now that i'm thinking about it, but I never referred to noodles as nudies or nudes. They were just piscetti to me Piscetti. Yes, I didn't know how to say spaghetti as a kid. So you called them piss. Oh, shit She had a good answer Oh, shit. What was it? She said you're high-pitched cough You're a high-pitched cough. I guess I have a high-pitched cough cough. Well, you could do a fake cough I could do a fake. Well, I can do a fake sneeze really well, but like I don't I think I jokingly cough like

I don't think I really is it a joke though if it's every time But no, I sneeze like in a joking manner and you do too. I'll sneeze I go like Yeah, yeah, you know, so it's very like Japanese anime shit, what? too much Maybe a little bit whatever you're talking about China. We're in Japan. Where else are we going? Let's go to one of the koreas, which your favorite one Your favorite one

No, you're like, you know, I'm here in the monkey. I love going up north. That's my favorite direction So there you go. That's okay. So maybe I did say that north korea sounds cool But you did say that you agree with the government and how they govern the people. No, I said I you're like, yo I love the fact that they they have security cameras everywhere. I said I agree with the government. I said in south korea It's probably very safe there. No, no, no, you were the one that was all about the you were like, yo They should just break down the border of South Korea make the whole thing north Korea You refer to them as my brother's up north in the great in the great white north. That's what you called it Uh, what what else is manly at least manly about me?

Uh Do you think here's a question? Yeah, we're completely not going to get to any of our topics. Nope Do you think you would be able to live with me as a roommate? I don't know I don't know how you live though. I've lived pretty I mean, yeah, you could say it, but we've never like I know No, no, no, I I'm very aware of my flaws. Like there are certain things. I know I need to get better at But I think overall I'm pretty Tidy and clean

Okay, I don't think you are no, I'm tiny you're a little dirty boy No, the only thing I'm bad at is laundry laundry piles and the dishes No, I I'm better at dishes now. Oh, you finally got better. Yeah In my late 20s and early 30s Yeah, I I like went through a small I think there was a point in time where you and I discussed possibly living together. Do you remember that? No Yeah, I think it was like Right around college time. We had discussed like the possibility of us being roommates

I don't remember that would that be good for our friendship or bad I I don't Probably fine. I think a little bit. All right. Yeah, I'm not worried about that But I will say that I think I could decorate an apartment better than you because out of town Without a doubt it'll be posters of Thanos everywhere. Well, hold on. Hold on. Okay Though my poster days are way behind me. Okay. I'm not like some other people We know that are framing posters and putting them in their living room. Yeah, but you Okay, you have a you would have those go-go funks. What are they called funko bucks?

I don't have any I have a couple funko bumps. I have a couple funkos, but they were gifted to me I don't buy them myself. What are they called funko pops pops funko pops. Okay, uh, but no I I but yes I do think you're probably a better decorator Because becca told me this too. She was like you don't decorate. You just place things in areas You'll be like you'll get something be like I want to decorate with this And okay, there it there it lies. All right, you know But she's yeah, I would say you're probably a better decorator

I'm a better cooker. I would say right Yeah, probably And I'm probably cleaner than you I don't know What are you doing looking around this room at the Eight batteries you've thrown in the corner and it remained there for months. Yeah, it's different. No This room will never be clean. Um, it I'll tell you this though. Watch this. It should be Okay, all right

Well, what are you gonna do? Um, well, I was gonna get to something and then I told you yeah, you asked me the least mainly thing also my oh Since we're talking about us like wait. Oh your fingers. Yeah, my fingers sock dude. You get very girly fingers I have very dainty fingers. Yeah, that's why I try to do like power grip stuff I don't think that's gonna help you because like it's not it's your it's your like Intent it's it is it's my like the process of going to grab something like I'll go grab this and I'll be like that Yeah, you kind of I should be like I feel like you move like Voldemort with your hands like you know how he's like you know

He uses his wand and he's like barely touching it a thousand percent, but like that's what you do with your hands You're like, oh, let me let me see that and you're very like Like this. Yeah, you're like All right now this is turning into being a talent's kind of it's like it's like you're like let me see that and you Will try to grab something small like this Well, because I have big hands Well, no, you just you could just pick something up like no, I do have big hands You don't you've never picked something up like this got almighty. Please. Tell me I have big hands

I don't know. You probably bigger than me. I definitely do Okay Show me your balls. Yeah, you want to see my dick No, I I I do do that like when he's like, you know Yeah, I would I would hold my my wand like a fucking wine glass. Yeah, you kind of like I would you're like a wizard with your hands I am a wizard with my fingers. I've been told that. Yeah, but since we're talking about uh, This I found this story um

Now I have to find it on fucking google google dad, but there was a woman who I Have my phone if I knew where the fuck that shit was um, but a woman became There was a story that the new york post put up Uh And the title was so funny. Oh here it is Uh, it's my best friend was a seagull until it attacked me and trashed my house That's how I'll give you one guess

On where they lived No, well, I don't even know where they live Somewhere by the bay or the sea. No, I was gonna say it's definitely a white person which it is Oh a thousand percent How do you befriend a fucking seagull, dude? And I don't think black people like birds I don't I don't I don't think they do speak for the whole I speak for black people No, I think it's no the podcast is doing well ruining it. Thank god Do we cut that out?

I'm so offensive. I don't know Frankie. I think it's a bit last time I spoke It's a bit. It's a comedy last time I went to the meeting Uh, a black twitter meeting. I was told it like they don't fuck with birds or really any animals to to be honest Yeah, except for tarzan There's always like a random black dude in like miami who's like got a snake on yeah Well, that's the guy I'm talking about the guy on instagram the tarzan. Oh, that's not who I was talking about He'll be like, yo, he'll cry over like a snapping turtle who'd be like this is the most beautiful ancient dinosaur I was like, dude, it's it's a fucking snapping turtle

Dude, when people get to hug lions and shit, I get real fucking jealous Kind of want to hug a lion a big fucking line. I want to hug an animal that I can't put my arms around Oh, yo, if you had to hug one animal, which would it be three? two Wait a sec. Oh, no the answer is obvious frank. Um, I'm trying to think there's a couple I would really like to hug a bear bro panda. Oh, yeah, there you go. Panda bear. Yeah I would love to hug a panda bear apparently. They're pretty vicious Yeah, apparently they're not sweet at all, but I would fucking hug that bitch. I would I would like to just like

Just a little hug nothing crazy. Yeah, apparently koalas are real nasty little bitches, too Are those the slow ones? I know those are sloths you dumb idiot. Yeah, but but koalas just like a quicker sloth Is it the same animal to me? I think they have like sharp talents I think they look the same sloth. But first of all koalas and sloths do not look the same joey Sloths have like fucking like, you know Slender man arms and koalas are like small teddy bears They look similar. No, they don't you ever heard about the animal that its fur smells of buttered popcorn Whoa, what's called a binterum

Binterum. Yeah, what is it like a like a it's like a giant rat Oh, yeah, it looks pretty sick, but it smells like buttered popcorn binterum b-i-n-t-a-r-a-m. I believe b-i-t what b-i-n-t-a-r-a-m. I believe Legitimately, I'm looking at a political figure, man. Oh like I'm like a like a fucking I don't know. I don't know I wrote bent Gugos go Gugos, did you mean bent rim? Yeah, that's what I'm searching bent rim. I'd like to see pictures of bent rims Um, but anyway, this woman uh became besties with a seagull during the covid pandemic

And then the bird turned on her trashing her home and biting her nose Yeah, that sounds about right those fucking little pieces of shit. They're ruthless. She was 41, man She uh went viral on tiktok 2.3 million views. That's nothing nothing like the baseman yard On tiktok. Say what's up? That's crazy. Oh my god. There's a fucking photo Of the bird biting her. Let me see bro. Crushed her Look at this woman got fucking eight Damn, dude, why does that look like a fat amy polar? That does right

But that that bird just fucking torched you listen. I'm gonna take a page out of your book and victim blame for a sec. Okay What do you expect of all the animals who become friends with a seagull seagull, bro, they're fucking conniving Yeah, I don't know about all that. You might as well put the knife in your back. They're ready to kill you He bit my nose. I threw him out the window and suddenly my veneer was in my mouth Is the veneer a tooth you popped a tooth out? I decided to give him a cuddle, but before I let him go he pecked me I think he was annoyed because he wanted the wedges She's british. They don't they they speak like that in britland. She was eating potato wedges

Yeah, she won't he wanted a wedge and I didn't give it. So then he he pecked mine my knackers Dude, this is a Crazy picture of the seagull All right, fucking top three animals you would want to be friend One polar bear really no panda bear. What am I saying? Really? Yeah, I would say tiger Oh, like jasmine. Yeah, yes Absolutely. What was it? Remember the tiger's name raja. Yeah, that's right I would say a tiger shout out to our friend raja

Whom we haven't spoke to in quite possibly 15 years still an hour Um By the way, I'm not going to say her first and last name Was a was a practical joke by her parents. Oh her last name. Yeah. Yeah, I mean They really set her up for failure there. I want to say because it's so fun to say All right, imagine if someone's name like their first name was pat and their last name was like pat pat pat pat So I'm not going to say her last name, but it was basically pat pat pat pat. Yeah, um Yeah, so tiger. Yeah

Chimp Chimp would be a real dope friend, but a chimp or like One are just like a monkey. Like you're specifically choosing a chip like one that I can like talk to and shit Yeah, frank. What? You know like or a gorilla coca the gorilla. Yeah, you have to pick one You can't just say chimp and because that all right gorilla gorilla. Good choice It's the best monkey. It's a good monkey. It is a good monkey. Um, and then Tiger by the way, who the fuck named spider monkeys?

I'm not a spider. I well, I think that's like a street name for them. I think their real names are kapuchin Why would they call them spiders? Because they're idiots Maybe because they climb I like spider monkeys all monkeys too hate to break it to you All monkeys climb So what else? Tiger I'm taking a gorilla too gorilla. Yeah, I'm taking I'm being friending things that I can hug I I guess I would do a bear then like a grizzly bear. Oh because they they look soft Yeah, dude, and like I'm friends with them. We're like, they're not gonna hurt me, you know, right?

But we can wrestle a little bit. I don't know because like oh, no, I want to wrestle you want to wrestle a bear Yeah, I wouldn't I want to wrestle a panda if I went somewhere Whereas like a superly Superly trained panda and they're like, yo, just fight it. But like it won't hurt. You don't worry and they could guarantee my safety I'm fighting that then. No, I wouldn't and I'll tell you why People always talk about me and my fighting of animals bear is the one that I know I will lose to people don't talk You talk about you know people don't talk about you fighting animals You talk about no, no, no people talk about me fighting animals all the time

Okay, but bears can have their claws, you know, they could be like, you know filed down They can have their teeth like not so fucked up But it's the with a sheer strength and weight of this thing that fucking kill you Yeah, of course because it's sad on you the claws will scratch you up Yeah, but the fact that you're getting hit with a fucking cast iron skillet. Yeah, that will hurt too that that'll do it Do you ever see the video of the people on like a bus and there's fucking bears walking upright? That's the most terrifying thing in the world. What dude, I would have got off the bus I would have been like, yo, these are people. I would have gotten under the bus in front of the tire and told them to drive straight

Dude kill me if I see a bear walking upright just like Well, what's going on here? I'd be like, yo, stop the fucking bus. I'm getting off and hanging out with them Yeah, because that's smoky bro smoky bear. That's that is a yogi bear, too It's not as jarring when a gorilla does it because that's how they're that's how they do it Like they're normally walking around like, you know, like no, they're always on their knuckles Yeah, but then when they get like real upset, they're like Yeah, when they're mad, I get fucking scared. But bears getting up on their hind legs and walking It's cool. That's fucking terrifying dude. That's dope. What about a wolf? Would you want a wolf as a friend?

It's like having a dog. I feel like it is. Oh, what about a whale? Or dolphin No, I'm not really keen on dolphins The ever since we learned that that was the most British thing I've ever said in my life. What am I saying? I'm not really keen on it. I'm not really keen. I don't fancy dolphins. Oh, I passed a spotted dick. Yeah. Yeah I don't fancy dolphins. Yeah, that was as much as the next bloke. That was that was a little British of you. Absolutely Yeah, that was crazy. Uh You're not a big like fish friend boy. Uh, I fuck with whales for sure

I think like my my one of my like bucket list I need to do before I die things is like See a whale breach And then I told you like I would be cool with a fucking if I was on a uh Fucking canoe or something And uh, this thing like hit like kind of like breach and then came down and like hit my shit And I fell in the water, but I was like, okay That would be like the best way to see a whale for me. Oh, I I'll I don't care about seeing whales jumping in water Really dude don't care. I think they're so massive that like yeah, it would be it'll be a spectacle

But like afterward I'll have to be like, whoa I'm only interested in doing stuff I could tell my like friends and family about that you saw a fucking whale jump out of the water Guess who else has seen whales anyone that has youtube joey Okay Now tell me the cool things about animals that you want to see And and and then tell me how you know they're even possible I want to see if you haven't seen them before I want to I well, I've seen a lot of youtube videos I want to see a tiger

Jump onto like up and grab something out of a tree I you know, but I've seen it on youtube Uh, I want to see a wolf howling at the moon upon you know a full moon gaze I want to see I want to see a great white shark breach and grab a a dolphin going over That would be cool. I like that would be pretty rad that one I like that what I like Not the what would you say about the wolf the wolf howling at the moon on a hill in front of the great white moon

The great white moon. Yeah Which organization does he work for frank the great white moon tell us the kkk The great white moon. Oh, yeah, I just I I don't care to see like a whale breaching. It's like you're fucking crazy It's fine. And then like you don't even know if you're gonna see it So like you pay all this money to go whale watching and you might just see this I know I mean that's the risk you take is it? Yeah, it's like you buy fucking tickets to Uh, the zoo like, you know, all it's feeding time. They're sleeping. Oh, yeah

That is that happens like wake the ass up. Yeah, come on even though I every time I go to the zoo I go this is wrong, but I like it but I went to the zoo recently with my like nephews and it was like feeding time for the seals and I'm and I was walking up and I was like This fucking tank is not it's so evil and like yeah, I'm like out enjoying Yeah, I was like this tank is not big enough for whatever and one of them was like making a noise I'm like, he's probably upset and then as soon as they started throwing fish at this thing and it was catching in its mouth I was like, this is fucking awesome. We should make more zoos out the window. You love that goddamn zoo

I love all the zoos. I don't blame you honestly. I haven't been to the Bronx. We went mad long Yeah, the last time I went was when you and I went for your school project seventh grade or something No, you were in high school at that point. No, I wasn't frank. I am Very confident that you were not in seventh grade. You think in my Catholic high school They sent me to the Bronx zoo It was it was not. Yeah, they wanted you to go there and talk about all the animals that were on the ark They wanted you to be like he was there. He was there. He wasn't there. Yeah, you know, so I think that's like, you know

Probably not say it. Go ahead But how how crazy would it be if there was a guy Who built a ship? And got two of all those animals on it. Yeah Yo, what do you think would happen if you put all of those animals on Noah's ark Actually together in the bottom of a ship It'd be mayhem. They'd kill each other. Yeah, the uh, they're gonna sit there and help your roll

The logistics don't really work out. Uh, I think it was just to survive the great flood. I don't think it was as much I I know people that keep the animals alive I know people that are pretty clear that they are like they they state that there is Like hard concrete evidence that it actually was real cool We have ads there it is. I didn't I didn't offend the the religious people this time you did I would love to see the ship. I'm sure there's a ship. I'm sure there's a ship But come on

you can't You could fish I mean the thing though. Yeah, that's the part that I would be confused by but you don't need to put the fish on The ark joey because of the great flood Okay That was a bad one. That wasn't good. You ain't doing yourself any favors. No, I am not you graduated, right What's up? You graduated high school Yeah

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dollars, so Have fun out there and go play. All right And uh, I think that it's only right since we're talking about This is Christ, dude, that's a that's a joke for our video watchers. Yeah, I guess you're all doom. Um, but uh Apparently you said this before the um, the episode started. There's new evidence of big foot. Yeah, man This is animal bit. We had a bug episode last time. Yeah, we're having a we're having an animal episode this time Where do you Sit on the whole big foot debacle. Where do I sit? Yeah, like are you on the side of people that are like?

You know absolute, bro. There's no big foot. It's just people fogging around or are you on the side? It's like big foot's real or you on the side. There's just like I don't care. I want to just smoke weed I think I know what side you're on so, uh I think it's possible That big foot exists, but it's not like a big foot. It's like a species a species of foot No, no big foot reverse to a species not necessarily one big foot. What is it? I know it's like a a collection of foot of big foot a big fight of big. Yeah, big big fight Yeah, that's what you call multiple big foot is big fight. Um, and

I believe that they could exist but a lot of people like my dad bro. My dad loves big foot He actually was worried about me going to seattle because he's like, you know, they've seen big foot over there I was like cool, bro. I'm if big foot is real. It's got to be like one of those things where he's like Cool, you know what I mean? Like he's not like hurting people and shit like that Well, I mean they're like eight feet tall. Yeah, what are they gonna do? Just like bro Big massive fuckers. I'm not saying if big foot was real I'd be able to beat up big foot But I would definitely be able to empathize with this animal and get it to not hurt me Yeah, you keep saying that but you don't even know one if they exist and two

No I think so Okay, you don't think I could like I would be able to figure it out I'll say this if me and you were in the woods. Yeah, and a big foot shows up Yeah, right and you start your whole little gas lighting I'm not gas lighting. You're trying like a bad person here joey So you're trying to make it sound like a real just like piece of work So you're trying to trick this this big foot the big foot and then at one and then as you're trying that you're looking at me

You're like And then it just picks you up and breaks you in half and starts eating you for like a split second. I'm gonna go good It's been settled and then I'm gonna go Oh, no, but then but there's gonna be a moment and it's gonna be the it's gonna be my initial reaction It's gonna go. I think your initial reaction would be like, oh my god, and then you get home and you'd be like I knew it I think that's I would definitely give it like a few months And then I'd be at a bar and I was like Bro, this kid's an idiot

I would do like that. I'd get low. I'd put my hands out. I'd show them that I'm not a threat You know, I'd get low And I'd be like hi big foot You know get low. I get low like a little John I'd pop lock and drop it for big foot. You're like, I would get low Yeah, I did try to fuck this big foot. Just use a picture of me. Just yo big foot's probably have crazy dicks You ever think about that those motherfuckers are eight foot tall four feet wide dick probably Bro easily no no joke flaccid 16 inches. Yeah, and you know, they're not wearing underwear

There's just fucking bounce around the woods Harry and grosses. Harry is fucked And listen, but probably doesn't work great. Not a lot of big foot's around We don't know that so this conspiracy is that or the theory is that they use wormholes to travel I know this because of my fucking father. Yeah, that's an idiot bro Wormholes, you my dad believes in everything bro. Does he you could tell him Like anything that sounds like what he's he's on board. Yeah, like yeah, like wormholes and fucking eight-footed Long dick hairy men. He's like cool. Yep. Well, I I believe in long dick hairy men. I've seen a couple Yeah, I would say but them that live in the forest. I would then and are a different species

I don't know about that. Yeah, apparently people have seen them There's a whole people who dedicate their lives to this like their job is big for I love that so much Because there'll be like new documentaries. I'll always see like commercials for them I'm like, you know the history channel and it's like finding big foot and it's like And it's like someone like running through the woods and it's like bro If you actually did we would have heard about it And we didn't so they're not there you didn't find them. I just saw a video before we Yeah, I showed I showed you one or I sent one to you a guy claimed that he killed one

Oh, I don't know about that and then sent photos and I'm like, I don't know if I believe this I don't believe anything that I don't physically get my hands on. Yeah, I can either like That's like when I watch a magic trick. I go, he's in on it. Yeah, like you gotta do it to me Exactly. Yeah, and then even when I do it. I'm like, wait, am I in on it? Yeah You know, like I would I would need to have you have you been to a magic show? No Bro, I'm telling you go I've been to a hypnotist Yeah, but you're not you have to be prone. No, I wasn't I wasn't the hypnotism Yeah, but I think I hate that because I'm like, oh be a chicken. All of a sudden this guy's a chicken

I'm like this guy's in on it. Fuck you. All right. Here's a good story. So it was my freshman year of college It was like the first week we moved in and they had you know, like they do All those like, oh, wait, I think you told this story I might have but they tell they do all these like events for like first year students And they had a hypnotist show up and a kid from our suite went up there And he was like I'm hypnotizing him. He's a bird and the kid didn't move just no sold at the whole time The whole time the whole time the whole time nothing nothing nothing nothing And then afterward we asked him we were like what he's like he he like whispered in my ear like just go along with it

But he just didn't didn't sell at all It's fucked up. And then there was another girl Who became like a card? I think he was like you're a Kardashian and she was like walking the stage like Like real like hamming it up. Okay. Yeah, uh, but I don't I don't know if I believe in those Yeah, I don't I don't I tend to not with hypnotism. I think that there's like a medical hypnotism that like has like Benefits with like the swinging of the stopwatch in front of someone's face. No, that's like witches and shit But like no that's not witches. That's like people that have stopwatch magic though is

Incredible dude. I don't believe in magic. It's not real. I know well, but it's amazing It is impressive how they do some of the things I get a little upset when I watch it though Dude the place I went to you have to go anyone who's in new york or the mckittrick hotel The shit was fucking fire just free plot just throwing their name out there first you go in it's like a smoky like It feels like a lounge where like people are getting like blown and people don't care that people can see And then you can get champagne and then the the magicians It's like a rotating cast and they keep coming to your table and like doing tricks and shit Bro, this is a wild shit. I wouldn't I wouldn't trust that shit. I wouldn't I'd be afraid honestly

What the fuck are you afraid of I mean I'm being afraid because like I I would be the one that jumps on the stage and strangles them and it's like, how the fuck did you do that? No, they sit at your table. No, I fuck that. He's he's right here and he does the trick in front of you It's fucking good. You know what else would freak me out the people that are like sleight of hand artists You take your watch off and that like no, I like my watch and I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, I don't like that shit I don't want that shit. Bro. This guy did a trick where like He came over I don't know if this is correct, but it was like something like where he he came over and immediately he handed like a little box

To someone and then was like just hold that further. Whatever. Don't let me touch it Then he had me sign a card And then fold it up and then whatever the fuck happened And it was in the fucking box by the end and like there was like five tricks in the middle of that That he was just doing other shit and he's like and then he was like, all right. Thanks. That's my time And then we're like, what's about the fucking box? It's like, oh, yeah open that and my fucking card with my signature was on He never touched it. I was like, what the fuck? I don't like weird. I don't like it. Yeah, it was crazy. I was like, yo

I don't like that shit because I would sit there and I would I would put a gun to that magician's head and be like Tell me how the fuck you did that right now. Yeah, because I don't like it It freaks me out because if it is some like fucking tricky dark magic shit Then I want to know how to do it because I need the powerball numbers You know what I'm saying? It's in the dreams over now. Oh, yeah that guy like a single guy one guy out in california won it You believe that shit and we don't have his name, huh? Oh, well, no, you're not gonna get his name, but I'll tell you this it wasn't me

Yeah, I know It wasn't me. Wasn't you? No, it wasn't me I'll just wait till it gets up to two billion again. It will eventually I would Bro, if you were to pull down your pants right now and say you get two billion dollars lick my balls Bro, you would never need to have your balls licked ever again Okay, yes, I would Two billion dollars. Yeah

Jesus Um, yeah, I think that's all we can do for today folks Like I said, all right, let's dive right in let's dive right in uh, bea We're gonna stop right at frankie offering to lick my balls Uh for two billion dollars Uh, you guys go join the patreon though patreon.com slash a baseman yard We are less than 500 away from hitting 12,000 We need to do it. Also, it would catapult us in like the top 20 on patreon, which would be sick

And it'll also keep a roof over our heads, which that is nice to do as well, right? Oh, Joey's not caring about roofs. Look at that. He's just slamming a vanilla house F alvors 80 85 on twitter the frank alvors on instagram tick tock youtube check it out all the places and then patreon.com Slice the baseman yard make sure you sign up today Yep, and uh, go follow the show at the baseman yard on tiktok and instagram and that is all see you guys next time. Yeah, we will