The Basement Yard - #378 - My Husband Is A Ghost

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Frank & Joe talk about a woman who married a ghost.. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to The Basement Yard. Frank, how's it going, buddy? It's going, Joe. Is it? It's a really good going. Oh, how's it going? You have a little twinkle in your eye. Do I? I was gonna say a sparkle in your eye. Both of them don't make sense.

No, a twinkle in your eye, a sparkle in your eye. But twinkling their eye, they say about like kids in your balls, like when you have come. What? You've never heard that saying? Frankie, what did you say? You've never heard that when people say like, Oh, like, I knew you before you were a twinkle in your father's eye. It's like, you know, when they say it to kids. No, they don't.

Yes, they do, dude. That's not it. Yes, they do. No, they say if you have a twinkle in your eye, it's like, oh, you got like a pep in your step. No, they say pep in your step for pep in your step, Joe. They say there's multiple expressions for the pep in the step. You just said come. I, well, yeah, I did.

Welcome back, The Basement Yard. Yep, I did say it. However, Joey, I meant it because people say it is like a, Ah, there's a twinkle in his eye. Like I saw, I knew you before you were born because you, you was going to twinkle in your father's eye. I mean, I get the expression. Well, that's where it's, that's where it's from. I got to turn my light on.

Oh, we got him. You want to just start a new? No. No. Oh, the lights out. Ladies and gentlemen, this is live, live, live, large and in public, baby. Absolutely. Oh, maybe it's unclipped.

There you go. There you go. That was, this is a visual joke for our audio listeners. There you go. Sorry you're missing out. Yeah. Uh, but yeah, it's like a come thing. It's like a, a come in your eye.

Did anyone ever say that to you? Like they should see your dad and you because I feel like you and your dad are fucking vehemently different people. My dad looks like me if I died and someone threw me in a river and then I eventually like bolt up and like got to the surface. You look like a dead river man. Yeah, yeah. I didn't even mean looking like you. I meant like looking like your dad. I just meant like your personality.

I mean, my dad would look more similar if I was stung by a thousand wasps. Yeah. Yeah. If you were beat with a hundred bats or if I ate a thousand shrimp and was allergic. Yeah, exactly. If, if fucking if someone just put an inflating, yeah, you know, thing in like a space gym, Joe Pesci's ass. Yeah. And they fill you up with air.

Yeah. You look, your dad looks like Wayne Knight, but less happy. Wayne night doesn't look that happy. He's a pretty happy guys bringing in that cheddar cheese. Is he still? I would say so. They all get royalties from that show. That's good.

Made Seinfeld a billionaire. Yeah. Which is kind of crazy. Crazy. Where are we going? So no, yeah. No, you and your dad are very, very different in personality, at least from what I remember. Yeah.

And looks as well. Yeah. You don't look like your mom a lot either. Keith looks like your mom and Thomas and Shannon. What are you trying to say? Also, people say me and Thomas look alike. Yeah. I would say you and Thomas.

But Thomas, as he's gotten older and Keith has gotten hotter because Keith has gotten way hotter. He, him and Keith, him and Thomas and Keith look more alike. Him, Thomas and Keith. Yeah. Oh, my dad. No, just Thomas and Keith. Oh, him is just the. He's the corporeal him.

Got you. But you don't really look like any of them. I see where you're going with this. I'm not trying to insinuate anything about your good old mom. Yeah. I think you are. No, I'm not. I'm going to tell biz.

Don't tell biz because this I'm not trying to tell this. Please don't because I'm not saying anything about your mom. She watches the clip sometimes, you know, does she sometimes I'm sorry. Well, you know, my mom always tells me how much she doesn't watch. Yeah. My mom used to say that too. She's like, Oh, I don't because sometimes we'll talk about like jizz, jizz, pussy. Yeah.

My mom has never in her life acknowledged the fact that there are penises in the world. Like has never acknowledged a dick. I'm sure on four occasions, she's acknowledged it. That's what I mean. But I'm saying not to me, not to me. Oh, oh, yeah. Like I've never heard my mom being like fucking, you know, penis. Like I've never unless it's a dog's dick.

She'll acknowledge a dog's dick. Whoa. Well, we have dogs had. We have one now. She dislikes your dad that much. No, but she's you know. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard the penis talk about penises. Or maybe I have, but I just have mentally blocked it out.

Well, I've heard my dad talk about vaginas, women's anatomy all the time. Stop not vaginas as much. I think he's probably in my life told me to stop being a pussy, which hurt. But that has nothing to do with vagina. Yeah. No, I remember when we were younger, my dad would take us because at the lake house, he'd take us on a jet ski ride by the little beach there. And he would always say like, we got to look for the balloons.

I'm like, what do you mean the balloons? I'm a kid at this point. And I'm like, oh, like, are they balloons? I was pretty hyped for balloons at the time. He was talking about big fat teeth. He was talking about, you know, front pork. Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Yeah. So, uh, boar's head ham. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Some fresh copy coal.

Yeah. There's only one of them. Yeah, I know. Uh, speaking of that, I mean, people have been telling me to watch white lotus. I watched, um, the first season of white lotus. Was it good? No. You're the first person I know that doesn't like it.

No, I don't, because I, I'm a, all right. I'm not going to spoil the show, but I'll tell you the general premise is nothing fucking happens, but everything happens. What? So it's like, there's no structure. No plot. There's no plot. What about multiple plots?

So the first season, I haven't watched a second season. So second season might have, you spoil anything and I'll cut your head off. I'm not, I'm not. I mean, I might spoil some things, but nothing like you won't know who. Um, but like, it's just like three or four different groups of people. Okay. And things just happen at this hotel and it's like this like super high end bougie hotel.

Do they, do they interact the family? Some in some capacity, in small minor capacity. Sex. Is there sex? There is sex in the show. Nice. But like, like not with like each other, at least from what I've seen. Oh, they're like solo sex.

Some of them are doing like meeting other people and sexing. Some of them are like, one of them is a married couple, like on their honeymoon. Okay. And the next one is like a woman whose mom died. That's, that's played by your girl. Which one is that? Um, Stifler's mom, Jennifer Coolidge. Yeah, take the dog.

Take the dog. Yeah. Yeah. She's, she's really out there in the show. Like Jennifer Coolidge. Yeah. She's, she plays a really strange character. Would you kiss her?

No. Yeah. Kiss her. I don't think so. Yeah, why not? I'm a happily married man. Oh, come on. Who's talking about that?

If I was not married and she was like, give me a smooch. Give me it. Yeah. What choice would you have? All right. Yeah. So that's it. Yeah.

But like, if she were to try to go in for like more, say no, thank you. Oh, I don't know about that. You're going for it? I mean, once you get, once, once Stifler's mom gives you a kiss. Yeah, what am I going to do? You know, she gives you, She gives you,

Abandoned snap. She gives you one stick of gum. Now you want the whole package. No, that's not a good expression. That's not it. No, but like, it's, it's just like, there's, there's just random stuff happening, but nothing at the exact same time. So like,

There's a lot of like people in that show too, no? Yeah. It's like an ensemble cast. It's like a, it's like an ensemble show. So there's no like, you wouldn't be able to say who the lead is. You'd be able to, you'd be like, oh, there's a bunch of people. Who's in it? Coolage.

The first season, Jennifer Coolidge. Nice. Some Australian guy. That doesn't narrow it down. Yeah. I don't remember his name. Natasha Rothwell. She's a black comedian.

She's pretty funny. Steve Zahn, saving Silverman. Steve Zahn. Oh, okay. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. I like him.

Oh man. Are you really? A Sydney Sweeney. That's your girl. Bing bang, booms. She's got, she's got firecrackers. She does. She's got, you know, she's got two liter of cola.

But she also's got, you know, she's got a questionable grandma. She's got some stuff going on. Yeah. I think her whole family is like, yeah, whatever, bro. Yeehaw though. You know what I mean? Yeah, but Yeehaw, but like, take it easy. Yeah, like, you know, like I, I stay in the barn and Yeehaw.

Everyone Yeehaw's a little bit, but when you wear shirts that are like Yeehawing. Yeehawing. Yeehawing. I think that's when it gets a little overboard. Hey, I'm just saying stuff happens to people. People believe what they believe. No, no, no. I don't even know what I'm saying.

Yeah. Who else? Who else? Jake Lacey. He was, he's kind of on the up and coming actors list that I put together in my room. What? He's from the office, the like later seasons of the office. He played like the new gym kind of, you know, who he is.

You see his face. Is that the one who looks dead? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's like a bunch of Alexandra D'Dario's in it. Another, another, another, you know, you know, zippers.

Yeah, I mean, Molly Shannon is in it. Molly Shannon. Molly Shannon. There's someone who I would smooch. You kissing Molly Shannon. It's for the old, you know, what was the movie? No, I'm not saying for the, I'm not saying, I'm saying for the old like, you know, the nostalgia story. But what's the movie where she plays like someone's drunk wife?

Oh, maybe it's Talladega Nights. Well, she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, she plays, she plays his like manager. When they drive by. Yeah. She plays his friend. It's so good. Bro, Talladega Nights. Watched recently.

Incredible. It's so good. Absolutely incredible. Also stepbrothers. Catherine Hahn in that show. I mean, that bro, she's incredible. Playing what's his name? His wife.

Yeah. Adam Scott's wife. He was also really funny in that too. Yeah, that's bro. That whole stepbrothers is a classic. Dane Cook. Paper view. 20 minutes.

I say that all the time. Legit. Like anytime I have to like go somewhere. That scene right there has become like a piece of iconic cinema. Yes. But bro, nothing like you'll be like one minute. You'll be like people hanging at a bar, drinking a beer. And then the next there's just some guy eating another guy's butt.

Just like, and you see butt like in there, dude. Wait. I'm not going to tell you too much. There are guys fucking guys. So there's a guy. Yeah, dude. You saw. So in White Lotus, I've never seen the show.

But you're saying your favorite scene was when a guy was eating out a guy's ass? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, you said that. No, no, no, I did not. You're like, yo, there's a 16. This is going to be some trickery. I know what you're doing here. You said, yo, 16.

I know what you're doing here for a clip. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm just saying. No, I did not say my favorite. But he was burying his face in an ass. You literally at one point it's so it's so like things. How do you think they faked it?

It didn't look like it. It didn't look fake. So this guy someone was like did like a prosthetic asshole. Oh, maybe they but you still got to like shove it in your face. His guy was fucking. He was tongue. He was tongue deep down the Sahara if you catch my drip. Could you do that?

If you are hired as an actor. Do what? Eat another guy's ass. A prosthetic guy's ass that he's wearing on his ass. Oh, Prost. Oh, he has to wear it on his ass. I don't know. Did you see the legs of the man?

Yeah. You see the man standing. Oh, the other man kneeling. Oh, a standing ass eat. Yeah, dude. Wow, that is very. I don't know that. Listen, I know that the people eat asses.

The gaze, the straights, everyone in between. Oh, yeah, everyone's eating the butts. I always assumed it was, you know, doggy style, but eating doggy style, but eating or throw the legs back, throw the leg back and hold, you know, them hold their legs. Right. Yes. Listen to your ankles.

Standing up, but eating. That's, I think that's reserved for if someone's cooking and you can't less. That's what people do. Yeah. I think that like if someone's cooking eggs or something, you specify eggs there and I want to know why I'm just saying I'm thinking of like why someone would be standing because typically if you're going to be like the first thing you thought of was cooking eggs.

I just, I just feel like if you're eating eggs, right? And you're like, we're not eating it. You're cooking eggs and like there's some things happening behind you. You know what I mean? Like someone's like, can I ask you a personal question for the world? But yeah, yeah, yeah. You eating, but will someone's cooking eggs? No, no, that's dangerous.

I'm just saying why is that dangerous? Because you could throw an egg or like the fire that confident. You're buddy eating, huh? I mean, dude, you got to remember to turn the stove off. Some people don't do that. Can't leave the stove on. Well, no, what's the worst that happens? Stove's on for a little bit.

Explosions? I don't know. Yeah. If you leave the gas running in, then you light a match or something, Joey. Accidents, bro. Yeah. But anyway, guy, if you're standing, right, someone's making eggs and you come behind someone, you're like, come on, we're fucking, you know.

And then she's like, no, I have to eat. And then you just, you just started, you just said eat, but they're cooking. But I have to, she has to finish the cooking. She's going to finish out, right? But you know, that's the only thing that I can really think of. I can't think of why else you would be standing. Yeah. It, so I'm going to paint the picture is the guy was standing with his back turned

to the person with his hands on a desk and the guy was on his knees like, oh, he was, they were bent. No, no bent. He had his hands on a desk and he was just like this. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes.

That's powerful. Wild. That's powerful. Wild. That's a pretty gay scene. That's a very gay scene. Did it, there's also, did it escalate? That was, I mean, that was the, that was the peak Joe.

Oh, there was no like, you know what I mean? I don't. I don't know what that is. There was another scene where one guy, bro, wait, more gay sex. They're not gay sex, but like guy said to him, he was like, hey, let me ask you, what's it feel like to get railed in the butt? He asked the gay guy. Yeah.

And the gay guy just like goes, wanna find out? Just like that. Damn, that is fucking game. And he, I'd be like, no, but whoa. Yeah. And he, I think he said something along the lines like, oh, take a rain check. Yeah. Or some shit like that.

But like really getting after it. And then there's like, you know, there's straight sex too. But the gay sex is what everyone's watching for. I would disagree with that. I feel like I would be watching for the straight sex. Nah. I mean, you got cool. You got that body.

I didn't know there was going to be any sex, honestly. Right. Now that I know. I knew, literally knew nothing about the show going in. I still don't really know. People can't really explain it to me. It's, it's seen. Yeah.

Cause it's not like there's nothing, but everything going on at the same time. But you honestly, you don't like it. I don't think it's good. I watch the first doesn't live up to the hype cause it's so hyped. Well, the hype is for season two. Oh, I haven't seen season two yet. I've almost done with season one. Not true though.

Because my sister actually hit me up and said, did you start white lotus? I'm like, nah. And she's like, well, season one was better than season two. Oh, really? If season one is better than season two, I'm going to hate season two. I wonder if there's more gay ass eating in season two. I hear there's a, there's a, like a clip of Jennifer Coolidge in season two.

Guess she is in season two of her saying like, ah, these gays are trying to murder me. So something tells me there's some gays in season two murder going on. Yeah. I will say it. The first season starts off. The thing the show does really well is it starts literally the first scene of the first episode. It says someone died.

Oh. So you don't know who actually, you know all of, but one person. So it's like a game of clue. Kind of, but like it's not a mystery. But it does, it does a good job in setting people up in positions and situations where they can die. Like some of them are like, oh, we're thinking about going scuba diving. You're like, oh, that'd be it.

Oh, is it like someone died and then they show what happened leading up to the death? No, I've not seen the death yet. Like I said, I have one more episode in season one. Oh, okay. But like it's doing a good job, like putting people in situations where it's like any of them can die. No, but I'm saying the show, does it take place before or after the death? You don't know.

Uh, before. I think it, I think it's. Oh, okay. So you're waiting for someone to die. Yeah, I've been waiting this whole time and all I've been getting is guys eating each other's butts. I'm in it for the murder, but they're fucking teasing me with gay sex. Like what is this?

Oh my God. It's like the first episode is like someone died. It's like, whoa, 10 days earlier. And then it's like, who guys eating a guy's ass. Yeah. This is the guy. This is how he died. Right.

You, you, you've watched a recipe development, right? Yeah. Well, no, sparingly. Oh, well, there's an episode where it's like, you know, someone in this, you know, someone, one of these characters will die by the end of the episode. And it's like a quick flash of like a background character. And like during the episode, they're like, oh yeah, by the way, that's the person. They like say something racist.

And they're like, yeah, that's the person that dies. It's just, it's so stupid, but like, I'm just waiting on it. You should try it. I'm, yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to start it. I don't have a show right now. Yesterday I watched the Grinch. Which, well, which one? Let's, let's rank Grinches.

There's three Grinches. There's the sixties one. There's the Jim Carrey one. And then there's the one that came out two years, three years ago with Benedict Cumberbatch. Okay. Where do you want me to rank them? One to three or three to one?

Least favorite to most favorite. Least favorite. Haven't even seen Benedict Cumberbatch. Take a fucking hike. Okay. Not a good Grinch. Also seen as penis. We have seen his penis.

We've seen it. You've seen his penis more than you have his rendition of the Grinch. True. Yeah. Two. Two. I mean, it's, it's the fucking sixties. You're a mean one.

I can't get that low. That's pretty good. You're a mean one. The one you can't do. You're a mean. You're a mean. It sounds really good. You're a mean one.

You sound like a vampire. You sound like Dracula. I sound like Dracula. Mr. Grinch. It's a good. It's a good. It's fine. It's whatever.

But it's, there's nostalgia. The number one is Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. The movie's fucking fire. That movie is incredible. That's the one I watched. Yeah. They have, that movie, watch it as an adult and like there's a lot more adult jokes

in it than you remember. Bro, there's that fucking sex party. Remember? The key party. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like a swinger's thing. Isn't it?

Yeah. It's like everyone throws keys in a basket. You pick one out and that's who you're fucking sucking that night. Yeah. Which, good for you. I guess. Yeah. You would hope to get, what's her name?

Mary Lou Who or whatever the, the one. Oh. Betty. Hi. Is she sitting in the lights? No, no, no, no, no. I love that shit. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. She's the prize. That's number one. That's the best one. Yeah. It's Wednesday, right?

Yes. Also really good. I haven't watched Wednesday in its entirety yet where I think we just finished episode three. It's a good show. I like it. It's also a very aesthetically pleasing for some reason. It's a Tim Burton.

All Tim Burton stuff is like, you know, like gothic horror where it's like, you know, like the banisters or like curled and sharp. Well, that's not what I mean. I just mean like, I don't know. I don't really know what I mean. I know exactly what you mean. But like another show that I feel that way about is sex education. Like I feel like that, like for some reason I'm like, I love the way this is shot.

Sex education is such a good fucking show. And it's one of the few that are like kind of almost kind of almost realistic about like, like sexual interactions. Dude, I mean, there's a girl in the fucking school that's like into aliens. There's a guy getting fisted. Yeah, we're not in school now. I wouldn't know you. You have more of a connection to the kids today's.

What are they doing? Sex wise. That's what shut the fuck up. First of all, you have more of a connection. You're dropping a kid off out of place. You had an elementary school, Joe. How young do you like them? So disgusting.

Wait, what grade is he in? I'm not going to tell you what grade my son is in. The second. Damn. I'm trying to think of like when we were in second grade, what that was like. Bad. We were bad. We were more.

Were we walking to school in second grade? No. Fourth grade is when we started. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, I knew what it like nipples were and that you sucked on them in second grade. In second grade, you knew you sucked on nipples.

I knew that's what they were for. Nipples were for sucking on. Yeah. But did you think it was like cool sucking or did you think like, well, milk and we have to be survived as babies? Both, I think. Oh, okay. So you were like, I remember because I made fun of Ricardo because remember he used to

bring us like a nipple water bottle covered in aluminum foil to school every single day. I do. And I would tell him like, yo, you're sucking on that like your mom's nipple. Damn. Dude in second grade said that. Yeah. It was wild. Fuck.

And he got up, didn't say anything to me, got up and just started walking toward our teacher and I followed him the whole way. I was like, yo, you don't need to tell her. There was a joke, man. Like, you don't need to. Did he tell her? Yeah. He told her.

Wow. I got fucking. There was some bass in that bark that day. Oh, Miss Mackie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She alive?

I hope not. No. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still kicking.

But actually it's funny that you bring up Miles because he was sick last weekend and something happened as a result of that that I kind of wanted to bring up. He's got an extra arm. No. No, he's good. He's good. He's all good now. But Becca, my wife, lovely wife, incredible woman, was on TikTok and she's like, oh, I

think I have an idea to how to make him feel better. Oh. And I'm like, how? And there are these fucking commercials going around. Let's bring it on back. These commercials that are going around where it's like I learned from TikTok and it's like people posting and like talking about things that they learned like little life hacks they learned from TikTok.

And it's all mostly bullshit. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about. You've never seen these commercials? No. I've seen like the life hack stuff on TikTok. I've never seen commercials. There's like one where it's like what I learned from TikTok. I also don't have cable.

So I don't. Yeah. I've seen it a couple of times. But Becca goes, oh, it's supposed to help kids feel better and you put a potato slice, a raw potato slice in their sock. And I was like, what? This is the fucking greakest thing I've ever heard in my life. First of all, not Greek.

Becca, not Greek either. I know, but it just feels Greek. No. I feel like Greeks have like these weird fucking things. No. Greeks would be like, sit on a lemon for an hour. You know? Was that different?

You're right. Sit on a potato for an hour. No. You're supposed to do it when you go to sleep. Put a potato in your sock. Put a potato in each of your socks and then go to sleep and then wake up. And then if the potato is black, it removed all the toxins from your body. Did you do it?

I tried. You put a potato on your foot? I put potato slices in my sock. We left one out as a control to see how it would oxidize. This is the whole thing. Miles put two in his socks. Becca put two in her socks. The whole family was potatoes that night.

I took mine out. No, we did it during the morning because she saw it in the morning. I took mine out because it was very uncomfortable walking on slippery, slimy fucking potatoes. Okay. Making mashed potatoes. Bro, literally, it was so uncomfortable. Miles, I think- You're not supposed to walk on it.

I know. Miles took his out. Becca kept hers in. At the end of the day, hers was fucking black. Ew. Black. And it was different than what- Yeah.

Than the oxidized one. Black, bro. And she's like, see, it works. And I was like, you've been walking on this thing. Like, maybe you have dirty feet or everything like that. Yeah. I was like, you've been walking on this thing the whole day. And there's no other reason it could be black.

And she's like, you believe in nothing. I was like, what? I was like, because I was joking with her that she's a conspiracy theorist. Because like the night before, she went down a rabbit hole of like, have you been hearing what's going on with Britney Spears now? I can't stand TikTok when it comes to that type. I don't know if you remember this, but during the pandemic, it was like, Hallie Mandel is a prisoner and he's been kidnapped in his own home.

Yeah. What? Yeah. Or the one with Tom Hanks, where it was like in his wife's glasses, you could see like a bench and she's supposed to be on the beach or some shit, and all shit like that. But she went down a fucking rabbit hole and she was like, this is not Britney. Her husband is playing voice recordings. She's not real.

And I was like, bro, you're- She's being held captive by gay aliens. I said- It's like, how far are we going to go with this? Yeah. I said, you're a little bit of a conspiracy theorist. So the next day, when she was doing this fucking potato thing, I was like, you're a conspiracy theorist.

And she's like, you are the opposite. You believe in nothing. I love believing nothing. That is so funny. I've actually said that before, but I was like, I don't really like people who believe in stuff. Yeah. You know, like when people have such a strong belief in something, I'm always just like,

that's weird. Yeah. It is a little weird. Not that I don't believe in anything. Like, of course you have beliefs and stuff. But when people have such stern and strong beliefs in a thing, you're like, no, this is it. And you're like, you're weird.

Even a world now where like, you need to let every fucking good and bad moral compass thing about you known to the world so you could be judged and then placed into the fucking box of where you're supposed to be accordingly. Like people would be like, before it was like, oh, you're on a first date. And it's like, hey, what's your favorite color? You know, like, oh, what's your favorite movie? Now it's like, what do you stand for? And it's like, the fucking what?

Come on. My answer is nothing. I think. I stand for love. I do. Love. Friendship. Oh, my God.

Compassion. I stand for love. I do. OK, there hot shot. Get to these ads. You get to these ads because otherwise he's going to stand for love. Oh, guys, go check out Stitch Fix. All right, Stitch Fix is basically like having your own stylist.

You go onto their site, you fill out a style quiz and you tell them which kind of like patterns you like to wear, what kind of fit you want, your sizes, your height and your weight, whatever, what you usually wear, and they will spring into action and they will send you stuff on a monthly basis, I believe, about, I think, five items in a box and you keep what you, you pay for what you keep. So the rest you can send back and it's free returns and all that. And they have a wide range of sizes available from extra small to three XL. They'll find your perfect fit and send you clothes, handpicked just for you, a thousand

brands and styles you know and love. This isn't just random stuff. So yeah, you can like have a stylist. It's like shopping for yourself. I mean, it's like someone's shopping for you. So it's great. So right now, go to Stitch Fix. They're offering our listeners $20 off of their first fix at stitchfix.com slash basement.

That is stitchfix.com slash basement for $20 off today. Definitely guys, go check it out. I've definitely used Stitch Fix before and it's really cool. If anything, just go to take the style quiz and know like what they would send you. It's really fun. So go to stitchfix.com slash basement for that, again, $20 off your first fix. Next here we have Rocket Money. Rocket Money is going to help you, okay?

They're formerly known as True Bill. It's a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Over 80% of people actually are paying for things that they don't even use. Whether you sign up for a free trial at some point or you're like, I don't know. I don't even know. I've signed up for so many stupid things and been like, this is the greatest thing ever. Some stupid photo editing app that I'm paying like $8.

Everyone just signed up for that thing. It's like $8 and it turns you into like a astronaut or something. And you're like, oh, hell, I look like a hot astronaut. Everyone's paying $8 for that. You're going to be, there's going to be a lot of people that accidentally pay for that for like months to come. So Rocket Money is going to help you cancel these unwanted subscriptions. People are saving on average $720 a year, up to a $720 a year, I should say.

But you're going to be saving money and finding the things that you're paying for that you don't really know you're paying for. So stop throwing away your money, cancel and want subscriptions and manage expenses the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com slash basement. Again that is rocketmoney.com slash basement. I would go just to be curious. What am I paying for? Is there anything that slips through the cracks?

See how much money you could be saving every month. Again, rocketmoney.com slash basement. It's also time to tell people about the Patreon. Do it. We had 13,000. Guys, thank you so darn much. That's what I mean. If that's what you like, that's what you're going to get at patreon.com slash the basement.

Thank you to all of our patrons. It is insane that we have been able to get here. Truly truly is. I remember when I came on, Joey said to me like, look, realistically, if we can get to like five, that'd be awesome. And look at us now, 13, baby. It's kind of, and he meant inches, not Patreon. But thank you for all that I've supported and all that will continue to support.

Obviously, we want to get to 14 now and 13 now. Although we have not hammered down the exact details. 13 is going to be something bug related for our good old friend Joe over here. So he's been a little upset by it. But listen, you get to tear away a, you know, a bunch of my hair from my pussy. You get to sit with bugs or do something with bugs for a little bit. So patreon.com slash the basement is the best way to support us. I also just want to say that if you are a new patron, there is a video.

If you scroll back far enough of Frankie getting a Brazilian wax. Yeah, anything that is on there, any of the previous Patreon videos and episodes are still on there. You can get them all if you sign up today and you could also listen. Last minute gift idea. Give someone some. You said idea, you said idea, you said idea. Give someone the gift of the Patreon, patreon.com slash the basement yard.

You sent it for that first year. Well, guess what? These weekly episodes, this one right here, 378 Bing Bang Boom. You get it a week before everybody else. And that second year, well, that's those goodies come in, baby. Exclusive episodes every Friday, where you get a little bit of us and a lot of stupidity. So check it out right now, patreon.com slash the basement yard. Thank you for 13 and get ready for 14 because it's a hopefully a common.

Ha ha. Ah ha ha. Uh, also, I just checked on this site. What number? We're we're 18th. Joey's favorite number. Top 18. You just jerked off to do's in the air.

Jerk off anyone in the air. It looked like a celebration, but it looked like you were actually jerking off to. I was doing this. Well, in depth. I was excited. Exactly. I was excited. Yep.

What are you doing here? I know I did do that. It looks like you're always with these jokes. You try to leave me out in the cold. It doesn't make any sense. Leave me out in the cold. It doesn't make any sense. Also, I wanted to talk about this story that I had found a singer who married a ghost.

Well, we're going to move forward. OK, keep going. A singer who married a ghost claims he ruined their honeymoon. Who is who who ruined it? Because I've known singers and they ruin a lot of things. Well, no, the ghost was the one who ruined it. You ever know someone that could sing and they just like sing and wait for your approval? Who?

Bro, when I was in college, I was, you know, I was an RA and there was a resident who would always come and visit and stay high, you know, a nice enough person. But she would sing and like I could see out the corner of my eye. She would like look in my direction for me to be like, whoa, that was great. Are you just doing this? Basically, just waiting for like a wow. I saw a TikTok recently where a guy like just has a guitar and like walks up to girls and goes, can I sing you a song?

Oh, my God. And whatever happens in these videos happens. But the only thing that goes in my mind is like, I just really hope that doesn't happen to me. I would I would be like, yeah, sing, you know, I would say yeah, too, because I have to. But it's like it's the same thing, bro. If I'm at a restaurant and the waiter comes over and is like, do you want to hear the specials? I don't want to hear the specials. I always want to hear.

But I go, yep. And then also, you know, if you go to a restaurant where I've been to like Italian restaurants, which is like these people are really Italian, like off the boat Italian. I can't. I don't know what you're saying. Yeah, where they're like, we have a fresh buccatini with a Bapati Bipim and a fresh sauce of a Scar Poli. And it's like, well, I don't know. It's like, I can't even understand.

Like you just you could be saying drinking a palm and I can't even really get it out. Here's the trick. Like, what was that back there? Anyone ever has someone come up to them and say, like, can I sing you a song? Say, yes, can it be a request? And then when they say, sure, give them an Arkeli song. Or give them a song that has the N-word in it a whole bunch. Then then see how quick they are to come up to the next person.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, honestly, that's a good move. You know, I have to do that. So how did the ghost ruin the honeymoon? I have no idea. But it was a British woman singer. Oh, fucking British people are starting to show they're not as smart as we thought they were. What else have they done?

The Queen. That is Britain, isn't it? Yeah. I still don't know what Britain is. Great Britain is like a collection of Britons. See, this is why I don't know. Britain in. If you're British, you're all of those things like the Great Britain is like the British Isles.

Is Ireland in there? I think Ireland and Scotland. I think Ireland's like they're like the Puerto Rico. It's like a Commonwealth. Yeah, yeah, Ireland is the Puerto Rico of England. That's hysterical. I can say that. I'm Irish.

You can. He's right. And I'm Puerto Rican. No, you're not. Not one bit. OK, no, but this British singer said Wednesday that her Victorian ghost husband. Oh, God, what happened? I'm laughing at a Victorian ghost husband.

His name is Eduardo, which of course it is. No, it's not. Eduardo. No, spelled E.D.W. Ardo. Ardo. Yeah. Ruin their honeymoon by allegedly drinking too much in Wales.

I mean, what else are you supposed to do in Wales as a ghost? I'm getting hammered. First of all, a Victorian ghost and making her pay for everything. This dude's a G. First of all, kind of fire. This is some Andrew Tate level shit. That's where you went first person. I was going to say, this is a motley cruise shit.

Showed up, trashed the hotel and just like fucking rock and roll. You pay it. Idiot. Wait, so she married a ghost. The ghost got hammered. She paid for everything. You know what I'm imagining though? Because let's get one thing out.

Like, let's just, let's just say what we're all thinking here. Idiot, stupid. She's buying drinks and they're sitting at the bar. They're just sitting there. Oh, no, trust me, they're getting drank. By whom? Whoever's smart enough to be like, the ghost is over there. Yeah, I guess.

He puts it down and he's like, oh, I think they drank it. So, but I'm imagining that. It's like, all right. Another jack and coke for my husband. Yeah, and the bartender being like, OK, here we go. How do they meet? That's what I'm thinking is like, how do they meet where they're like sitting in a situation and she's just like, will you marry me?

And she's like, say yes by blowing out the candle. And like, well, no, he probably, he probably, you know, he proposed. Yeah, of course. I mean, the ghost can just show up and be like, oh, it's good ghost. And you're like, oh, shit. Like, obviously that could happen. Wait, so the ghost, this Victorian ghost named Eduardo, by the way, already put a hole in her story right there.

No way his name would be absolutely. No way, maybe something way wider. Yeah, like Constance, like Thomas. Yeah, Buckley. Buck. So he proposed to her. I don't know. The singer. Oh, the singer met her spectral husband one night when he appeared in her bedroom

and they had been seeing each other ever since. I told you, bro. First of all, that's not safe. There's a ghost in your bedroom. Well, also just like, yo, consent, you're just going to come to my room. Yeah. So it's woman. They hit a rough patch after Eduardo allegedly ghosted her for disclosing their relationship to the public.

My God, Eduardo, come on, dude, come on. If it looks like a spade, it's a spade. OK, if he's a ghost, he's going to ghost you. That's what I mean. That's what happened. So he was pissed. So he was like, instead of like doing like cute ghost things, like just like randomly just flickering the lights.

He like threw her fucking cabinet doors open. I guess. I mean, I wrote. I wrote the song to Edward Eduardo back after he ghosted me for publicity, disclosing our romance. I wanted to express the passion that I feel within my soul ever since meeting our ghosts everywhere or like only in where they're haunting. Like if I were to go, so if there were a ghost in this room, are they can? Is that the ghost?

This is the woman who is dating the ghost. Married the ghost and that checks out. Yeah, to me. Yeah. She looks like she would marry a ghost. So like your ghost. OK. Are you staying in the room that you're like ghosting at the moment, like haunting or like, could you go anywhere? So if I hold the door open, I'm like, come on, let's go together.

I think you could just like get through walls and you go wherever you want. So like, can you teleport or do you have to fly? I think you have to. I think it's like normal transportation. So you think in Britain, there's only British ghosts? Well, duh. Well, what if I get on a plane as a ghost? Or can I fly over the Atlantic?

That's a good question. I don't know how many ghosts have migrated to the United States. I'd like to ask her to ask Eduardo about this. Can we get her on the phone? Do you think we can figure out a way to talk to her and other people's lives? Yeah, I'm doing your job for you. There you go. Forget it. We'll just we'll just get her on. Oh, wow. They got married.

She wore a black dress. Duh. Well, he's dead. He's dead. You don't want to wear white. Be insulting. Right. Eduardo just couldn't resist winding me up and made me and made an inappropriate comment about her looking hot. I was like, wow, really? It's our wedding day. Who is he talking about?

Wait, what? He was hitting on other chicks. He was hitting on other ghosts. This ghost is kind of, this guy's kind of fucking... This guy's a fuckboy. This guy's a dead fuckboy. This is a dead frat star. He fucking hit on her friend, ordered fucking twisted teas at the bar.

Here we go. He showed up to the wedding. He showed up to the wedding in a Kangaroo Junior Jersey. The whole trip just seemed to get worse and worse. Eduardo thought he was being passionate and romantic by wrestling me to the ground to frolic in the sand, but I was trying to share my ice cream with him and it went everywhere, all over my face and my hair. And then, of course, the sand stuck to it.

So I looked like I had a fight with a giant seagull. So this idiot... Which one? Both. Well, the one that married the spectral Eduardo was wrestling on a beach with nothing. She said Eduardo obviously doesn't have a bank card, so it's always me that has to pick up the tab everywhere we visit

and he certainly likes to go wild in a hotel room, mini bars. Those are very expensive. One time I opened up a champagne bottle in Miami and I was like, how much could this be? $130. At a mini bar? In my hotel room. Oh, I remember, you were drunk when you did that.

Yep. I remember we went to Vegas. I drank it in the shower. I remember when we went to Vegas, we took one of the bottles of water. $10. Yeah, for water. For water. Yeah.

You'd want to pay that for Vegas water, though. Let's be very clear. Oh, yeah, big time. Big time. There is no water down there. You know, they say, people say chivalry is dead, but our friend Eduardo the ghost here says it's very much alive. Was that a pun?

I did it. You didn't? I did it. I don't think you did. All right, let's get to these next ads so we can just move forward with the show. I had a really quick question before you got to there. Go ahead. What dead celebrities ghost would you marry?

Betty White. Betty White is like an old broad or like Betty White in like the 50s. Betty White. Really? I don't even know Betty White in the 50s. Bro, you ever see a picture of Betty White in the 50s? Yeah. Google that.

Well, why do you say you don't know her? Because I don't know her. I never met her. I'm shocked you didn't go with Marilyn Monroe or someone damaged. You know what I heard the other day? That's pretty sickening. And I guess this is all speculation. Yeah, she's very pretty.

I saw it on TikTok. So I don't know how. Oh, it's real then, right? I'm saying I was just practicing. You're one of those, Joey. You're like Becca. I should marry you. No.

So I saw this video and it said that Marilyn Monroe, when she passed away, her body like disappeared for like six hours. We know exactly where it went. Where? You know. Say it. Whoever the undertaker was with that fucking moron. That's what people are assuming.

And that multiple people were whatever. And then I also heard that wherever she was buried, the person who was buried above her requested that he be buried face down. So he could be like ill. Bro, when I'm dead, I'm gone. If I knew that, right? If Marilyn Monroe was my like relative or whatever, and I knew that I'm grave robbing the body that is turned over.

Oh yeah. I'm going to say once I'm gone though, I don't care what happens to my body. Yeah, but like it's just me. I don't care. Yeah. I don't think you want to be fingered. I'm dead. What do I care, bro?

I'm just saying like. My ghosts will be all fucking, you know, buying having someone buy drinks for me in England. I'll tell you this right now. All jokes aside, if you pass on and you become a ghost and stuff, this is exactly what I would do. Marry me? No. I would marry someone and just get hammered in Wales.

Yeah, that'd be kind of fire. Honestly, I already said, I told Becca, I was like, when I die before you, because I will. If you meet somebody else, like, you know, people are like, I want you to be happy and find someone. I was like, yo, if you do that, I'm going to fucking violently haunt you. Yeah. So hard.

Nice. Like not, not cute. Like it wouldn't be like a flirty thing. It'd be a horrible. It would be scary as shit. Yeah. And you're going to haunt the children too. Yeah, of course.

Because of what their mother did. They have to pay. Yeah. For what she has done. She's like, that's not dad. That's just some guy named Steve. The sins of their mother. All right.

Let's get to these ads here. We have liquid IV. Liquid IV is keeping me hydrated. Okay. Liquid IV is the best in the biz. They contain five essential vitamins, B5, B3, B6, B12 and vitamin C. You take the little packet, you open it up, you put it in a glass of water, you mix it up.

It tastes delicious. And it's going to keep you hydrated. And just one stick, you get five essential vitamins. Like I just said, two times faster hydration than water alone. You can use it the first thing in the morning or before a workout or, you know, before you head out for a long night or something like that, which is usually what I do when I have them. And they're made with premium ingredients, non-GMO,

free from gluten, dairy and soy. Like I said, they do taste delicious. My favorite one, probably the watermelon, then the strawberry. This morning I had the Concord grape and it was really good. So all of them are amazing. You can buy them in bulk nationwide at Costco or get 20% off when you go to liquidIV.com and use the code BASEMENT at checkout.

Again, that is 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using the promo code BASEMENT at liquidIV.com. So go do it. All right, save your 20% and they're amazing, trust me. And lastly here, we have Simply Safe. Keep in your home safe with the best home security system of 2022 by U.S. News and World Report. A third year in a row.

So we got a streak going. Simply Safe is amazing. It keeps Frankie's home safe, he has it. Every time I open the door, things beep and whatever the hell goes on over there. In an emergency, 24-7 professional monitoring agents use fast protected technology exclusively from Simply Safe to capture critical evidence and verify the threat is real so you can get priority police response. All that long-winded thing to say, you're keeping your place safe.

They have cameras, they have sensors for like windows and stuff. You have children and you don't want them open in the front door and run it out into the street so the door will beep or whatever. And you can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes. Also, cost effective. It's like a dollar a day. So it's great. Go to SimplySafe.com slash Basement.

Today, claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off of your order with interactive monitoring. That is SimplySafe.com slash Basement. Again, you get a free indoor security camera plus 20% off of your order with interactive monitoring. There is no safe like Simply Safe. Boom. Good job, dude. You kind of crushed that. Are you?

Yeah. I got to ask you something. Oh, no. Do you miss me? At all? Do I miss you? When I'm not around, are you ever like, man, I wish Frankie was around? Um, yes, but it's situational.

What the fuck does that mean? It's not like I don't miss you because I know I'm seeing you. Yeah. Like I see you more than I see most people. All right. Like, all right. Like I see you twice a week. So I see you more than like anyone.

I love you too. There you go, folks. I love you too. That's the way people... But there are times where I'm out. I'm like, oh, Frankie, I love this. I was actually thinking about this and I don't want to make too much out of this, but... Realistically, do you think like you and I could be like lovers?

Like, do you think we have... Based off what you know about me and what I know about you, do you think if we got into a relationship, it would work? We would both have to be gay. I was going to say we're not gay. We would have to be... Unfortunately, we are not. We are not.

Yeah. But do you think that like we could... There's no way. I think if you worked on like... I don't... Me worked. Yeah. What am I working on?

You gotta work on some things, Joe. What am I have to work on? Relationships are work. Everyone needs to work a little bit. Okay. If you just worked on, you know... How about the positives? When you list the positives first, you go straight to the work.

I'll list all the positives if you want me to, but we'll be here for a couple of hours. Oh, yeah. Now you're trying to dig yourself out of your hole. I'm not digging anything out of anything. You're sleeping on the couch. First of all, fuck you. I've never... No, I'm not sleeping on no end.

You do have a comfy couch. I will say that. The couch is actually great. My bed is comforier than your bed, though. Probably. Yeah, because it's king. I have a queen. I don't know why I pulled that up, but I was driving in the car the other day and I was

just like, I seriously wonder like... If we could be together. If like our relationship... No way, though. You know that. There's no way. It would be too funny. No, it would be...

We're both like a tension horse. And can you imagine us getting into an argument? Me and Franky have never really gotten into an argument, ever. No, but here's the thing. We have over Pop Tarts, over BLTs. Oh, well, not... I'm talking about like a real like... Here's the thing.

Here's the thing. We would just gas like each other. Like we're really good at it. Hold on. Speak for yourself there, bitch. Frankie, you've gassed at me on the show one million times more than I have you. Where the fuck was I ever gassed at you on the show? What?

I've never done that. You're painting this really inappropriate, uncomfortable picture of me, and I don't like it. Oh, you only... It's only all that time. No, when do I do that? When I talk about your racist history? Oh, man.

My racist history... So you admit you have racist history? No. In your head, you've built one and you've convinced people. Not that you've convinced people, but you've tried to convince people. No, no, no. And then you also try to convince people that I like children. You don't like children anymore.

I'm just saying. Well, technically, that's true. I know. Because when I was a child, when you were a child, you liked children. When you were a teenager, you liked children. Frankie. Untrue. No.

The jokes are there because they're fun to make. The reality is that you're one of the kindest, smartest, thoughtful, and incredible people I've ever met in my entire life. All right. Go ahead. No, that's it. That's really it. Damn, thank you.

That's really it. You've overcome a lot. And it's really nice to see you where you are today. Ditto. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. What else you got? Nothing.

I have nothing for you, Frank. That's all I have. That's it. Just ditto. Which I've never said before, maybe in my entire life. I've said it when I'm talking about Pokemon. I just I want to. I used to be my favorite Pokemon.

What is your favorite Pokemon right now? Oh, Zapdos. Zapdos is up there. Or Scyther. Scyther is pretty cool. I was a Charizard Arcanine boy. Arcanine's hot. Wait, is that?

No, Ninetales. Ninetales. Ninetales. Ninetales is a little slut. She knows what she's doing. Oh, yeah. She knows exactly what she's doing. Also likes Gyarados.

Gyarados is cool. Ew. You say Gyarados. Gyarados. Not Gyarados. Gyarados. Whoever says Gyarados, you're a fucking asshole, bitch. Go and fucking find the bottom of a pool and sit there for life.

Yo, do you remember? Uh-oh. What happened? Do you remember when I had that small-ass pool? Oh, I thought you were going to say penis. That's... Oh, yeah. You remember that, right?

You remember that, though? I remember that, yeah. No, but my mom... I used to have a small pool. It was 10 foot round. And do you remember that? Why did you say that? You were from fucking Uzbekistan, 10 foot round.

You used to say circumference. I'm sorry. Fuck you. Uzbekistan. They took a stray shot for no reason. Yeah. Um, no, but we... I'm doing it again.

What am I doing? No, but when you said sit on the bottom of the pool, it just reminded me. Do you remember where we used to sit on the bottom of my pool and take that heavy-ass torpedo and try to hit each other in the nuts? Yeah, yeah. This torpedo was the most phallic. Heavy. And it was phallic.

It looked like a dildo. It did look like a dildo, but it was heavy, dude. Like if this thing actually hit you in the penis, which we... Because it was solid rubber. It was not like there was no like... It hurt. It was no... It wasn't a float.

No. It was meant to go to the bottom of whatever body of water it was in. Yes. It was very heavy and we would sit on the bottom of the pool across from each other. And it wasn't a big pool. It was like from here to here. And we were just throwing... As hard as we could.

And launching at each other's balls. Yeah, no, I remember that. And then we had another ball busting game. Do you remember? We did a lot of ball things. We did a lot of ball busting. We would sit across... I mean, Keith used to do this.

I think we'd like introduce you to it, especially. A handball? Well, a handball. We used to sit across from each other in my room. And then we would take socks and just keep putting them into one tube. Like my dad's tube sock. So it was like a big, heavy thing. And then we would just...

We had to sit with our legs open. And we would throw it across the room and you can't move. And it would hit the other person on the balls. You know what I remember? Do you remember? What fucking idiots children are? We were really dumb. I worry sometimes when my kids see this.

Because they will. Yep. And they will know a lot about me. More than I want them to know about me. Yeah. But remember, Spencer's gifts sold like a shock ball. And it was like a red ball that had like... It was coated in rubber.

And then there were like metal nodes around it. Yes. And we would put that on your balls. Our balls. We should say our balls. Yeah, you should say our balls. We should say our balls. We're singling out my nuts.

Yeah, your nuts have been through hell. And you haven't had any kids yet. Legitimately haven't been through hell. You might want to make sure that your swim, you know, your fish are swimming. Why? Because I hit my balls so much? I was worried about it. Because you hit...

Because I hit your balls? Bro, like teenage boys' balls go through the ringer, dude. Fucking sack taps and punch. Bro, there was one time I remember I punched my brother in the balls so hard. I felt the back of his like pelvic bone. Jesus. What's wrong with you? I was very angry, I think.

That feels like an attempted fisting. No, I wasn't... I wasn't trying to fist him, but like I remember that. And he like cried. Yeah, I'd cry. Yeah, I felt bad. But like you just want to check your fish, man. You wore tight pants and you've gotten punched in the balls a couple of times.

Just make sure your fish are swimming. You wore tight pants? I worry about you, man. I only wore tight pants for a certain amount of years. Like not a lot. These aren't tight. You're in sweats right now, right? No, I mean like these are like pants.

What kind of jeans? Mine are pretty tight right now. I have a man... Manchunge. You have a manchunge? What does that mean? You got a fat pussy? I know what it means.

You got a fat cat? My cat's... You got a Garfield going over there? My lasagna is cooking right now. Okay, that's disgusting. Is it? I'm sorry. Yeah, no.

Now you don't refer to your pussy as lasagna. But the new year's coming up and I wanted to make sure that I let you know what I think about you. I feel like I'm being set up. You're not being set up. You just wanted to say a nice thing to me? What's the harm in saying something nice? Well, I appreciate it. Why are you reaching down?

No, I'm not. I'm not reaching down. I just wanted to make sure that you know that I care about you. I don't like this. Got it. There's nothing there. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're an audio listener, I pranked them with a fake bug. But there was no bug.

If you throw a bug, I mean it's the end of it. You know that, right? Well, 1,300 patrons... Nope, that's not it. We're at 1,300 patrons and we're going to do something bug related with you. So get those... Get that asshole ready. We should just tell them.

Well, we haven't narrowed down exactly where it's going to be and when it's going to be, but you're going to be hanging with bugs. And like bugs, dude. Not like bugs. Bugs, bro. Frankie wants to take me to that fucking stupid ass museum. Yeah? Where you pet fucking cockroaches and tarantulas.

I'm going to bring a couple of cockroaches here for you. No, you're not. What would you do if I did? Be very upset permanently. No way. They're cockroaches, bro. Exactly, bitch. What's the issue with them?

Because if they start mating, then what? Yeah, that's why you bring one. They can't fuck themselves. You said roaches. I said I'll bring two male cockroaches. What if they're gay? Let them... Oh, yeah.

Then I guess. They can't mate. They'll just be pissed at each other. How do you know they're going to be men? You're going to talk about each other's highlights. You're going to check them for dicks? Yeah. Cockroaches have wieners, right?

I don't know. Look it up. Cockroach penis? Cockroach penis. They have to. Otherwise, they would just have... Well, I would assume that they do. Cockroach penis.

It's... You know what? It's cockroach. Oh, it's cockroach. Yeah. Why am I saying cockroach? That's the way that people do it, I guess. Let's see this thing.

I typed in cockroach penis into Google. Mm-hmm. The first thing that comes up is, can cockroaches live in your penis? Oh, yeah, of course they can. No. They can't. There's no evidence of it. That is wrong.

Yeah, of course they can. Cockroach penis. This is just a picture of a cockroach on a hot dog. Oh. I don't know that they... Can I see the hot dog? You buy that? It makes you hard?

I love hot dogs. This one just looks like... Cockroach sex has taken a strange turn. The New York Times? What the fuck? Journalism's really going downhill. Oh, there's something going down. In response to pesticides, many cockroach females have lost their taste for the sweet stuff.

Ew. What's the sweet stuff? Com, I guess? Is it sweet? Which changes how they make the next generation of insects. You told me it was salty. Never had com. When a male cockroach wants to mate with a female cockroach, very much he will scoot his butt towards her, open his wings, and offer her a homemade meal.

This is the New York Times I'm reading. Wait, what? That's what it says. When a male cockroach wants to mate with a female cockroach, he will scoot his butt towards her, open his wings, and offer her a homemade meal. That's kind of fire. That's a good way to put it. Sugars and fats... Oh, maybe it is actually food.

Sugars and fats squished out of his...turgle gland. And as the lovely lady nibbles, the male locks onto her with one penis. While another penis delivers a sperm package. So it's a trick. It's a trap. Dude, cockroaches, this is how they do it. The male goes, hey, you want an ice cream cake? Oh, I got some candy over here.

And then she goes, oh, what's that? And then he's got two dicks. One of them grabs her by the throat and goes, eh, I got you. And then the other one's like, put a baby in it. Dude, that's insane. That's literally how it happens. So it's some trickery, some good old cockroach trickery is what we're seeing here. He scoots towards her, open his wings, offers her the thing, she starts nibbling on fats and sugars, and then he's got two penises.

One grabs her, the other one delivers the package. Listen, man, that's the way it gets done in the cockroach world, I guess. Bro, how? You pour them in with like, just like fucking, look what I got. Zero consent. That's how all cockroaches talk, by the way. Ah, look what I got over here. Oh, what the fuck?

Listen, wait till you, oh, it's so sweet and delicious. And then fucking bang. And then bang. That's crazy, dude. It's got like the penis, like the xenomorph from Alien. One grabs, the other fucking penetrates. That's terrifying. I think I'd like to have two penises.

I'm good with, I'm good with the one I barely have. I'm good with half a one. I'm good with that. I'm alright with the one I got. Having two penises would be kind of cool though. Would it? That's extra work. For whom?

Me? You? What do you mean? You're the jerk off guy. Oh, you're just, I'm not the jerk off guy. It's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. Nah, you can do that. You can do that?

Look at that. You were all off. You need alternating currents. Go. No. Slam those dicks. No, no, no. You're going to fucking, you're going to beat your dick in an oblivion, bro.

Your dick's going to look like fucking. Wouldn't be the third time. What a day. Anyway, that's where we're going to stop it. Two cocks. Cockroach sex. That's insane. I guess that's why they call them cockroaches.

Because they're just roaches with two cocks. You're on to something. I'm on to it. Maybe that is why. FAlvors8085 on Twitter. The Frank Alvarez on Instagram. Tiktok before it gets shut down by the US government. YouTube and cameo.

Need a last minute holiday gift? Holiday. Check it out. You guys are following me on Joe Sanagato. Go follow the show at the basement yard on Tiktok and Instagram. And that is all. See you guys next time. Yay!