The Basement Yard - #447 - Dating Apps Are Getting Too Specific

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

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Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going? Are you okay? You're all right? What? Are you okay?

Why? Joey, you got some really troubling news before we started recording and I just wanted to check in on you. I know you often speak about how the roots of your desire to be a peak physical specimen started with watching a lot of sports growing up and one of your sports heroes. Well I know where this is going now. One of your sports heroes that you often talk about

how much you love inside and outside of the world of sports. Pass the way, OJ Simpson. Yeah. Are you okay? Yep, OJ Simpson. Are you okay? Yep, I'm good. Are you sure? I'm all set. I will say, I had no idea that OJ Simpson had cancer. Apparently he was just like not telling people,

which is not uncommon for people in that space. I wanna make sure I'm navigating this conversation with Grace. Grace and Care? Care, I was gonna say carefulness, but this conversation with grace. Grace and care. Care. I was gonna say carefulness, but care, I think. Sensitivity. Sensitivity, that's the one I should use.

Yeah, carefulness is not good. Yeah, because. What is grace, by the way? Can you explain that? Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, it's like an elegance. Floating.

I'm picturing floating. I'm picturing a dove Doves fly with grace not like geese geese fly with fucking stupid geese are dumb They make a honky yo bird a bird honking figure it out. You're Honking and fuck fuck the hunk the hiss His hiss brother they hiss like snakes, bro geese Fuck the hunk, the hiss. Hiss? Hiss, brother. They hiss like snakes? Bro, geese? Swan?

Zzz... swans? Swans? Swains. Swains. And like other birds hiss like they're- you're not snakes, we're not stupid. And you're not- I can see your dumb fucking idiot neck and your shitty ass feathers. Wait, I didn't know that they hiss.

Bro. I knew that they honk like gunk. I'm like bro, you're not a fucking bike bell. But the honk isn't even like a gunk. It's more like a hunk. Like a- Like a donkey? Like kind of almost like a donkey.

Like an ass? Which are notably stupid fucking animals. Whoa. Donkeys. Are they? No one looks at a donkey and says what a fucking graceful, elegant animal. They're like, look at this dumbass idiot. Well, that's because of Shrek, so we have them to blame for that.

Are you insulting Donkey from Shrek? He was just a donkey that just wanted to love. He was a moron and we know this. By the way, I don't know why we haven't spoken about this, the dragon Shrek Thick is a fucking bowl of oatmeal, baby. Oh The one that wants to fuck the donkey wants to does how many Shrek movies have you seen? One okay. Okay, there are others the donkey full-on has like children. They don't fucking know Oh full-on hat. Yeah. Oh oh yeah, Joey, the Shrek movie is showing Donkey go fucking thigh deep

into this giant dragon. You were walking me right to there. Well, they had you said. The insinuation was that it happened because they have children, they have offspring, and they're fucking. No way a Donkey could fuck a dragon pussy, dude. Listen, not with that mentality, all right?

There's no way. Look, I'm telling you right now, Donkey, children, Shrek, they're fucking, they got you right, Shrek, because, I don't know what the fuck was gonna pop up there. Oh. You see the eyes of the dragon and the wings, and then just everything else of the donkey.

A half donkey, half dragon, a dronky? Or a? A dronky? Shh. Or a... A dronky or a... Yeah, I guess that's the only way it would work. Yeah. Duncan. It's good. Duncan?

Duncan, yeah. Duncan donuts. Yeah. What would I do for a donut right now? Don't look at me fucking hard. Listen, listen, listen. Have you ever had crumbled cookies? Crumbled...

Oh, what? Just words, just say them. I can't. Have you ever had crumbled cookie? Crumble? What? Just words, just say them. I can't. Have you ever had crumble cookie? What is wrong with you right now? No, that's what it's called I think. The company is called Crumble Cookies or something. Oh, I didn't know that.

I thought you were trying to say like a crumbly cookie. Oh no, no, no. I'm saying like there's a company called Crumble. No, no, no. You know what cookies? But they like drop a letter because they're like crumble, like grinder. Oh my God.

Or like fucking like anything else. I hate that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't really help that I used the g else. I hate that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It didn't really help that I used the gay dating app as the example. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, you know what cookies, I swear to God, if cookies were sexual,

insomnia cookies. They're not? They are. Well, okay, maybe a little more. Bro, during college, the only thing, because this was before fucking like food delivery apps and all that shit. So the only things that were really open late

were like Insomnia cookies. So you would order- Wait, is that why they're called that? Cause they're open late? Maybe, I don't know. Probably, honestly. Now that I think about it. That's a good idea.

But like it'd be like 2 a.m. you'd be hammered and you'd be like, I need a fat. I need a fucking cookie. Yeah. And this thing would come, and by the way, Insomnia, your means of transportation back in 2011? Dogshit.

Because you'd get a box and it would be, I ordered five cookies and they would just slip and slide and fucking oil fuck each other into one coof. Okay? This thing looked like a fucking stick of butter and just a bag of flour gang banged and just fucking came all over the place This is not like a bad or I was gonna say it was delicious if I were to Stumble upon an orgy and I would pick a cookie orgy. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be honest be honest verse a quick sec

Okay, you don't strike me as like I want to pick up and go to an orgy type guy I'm not an orgy guy but if they started saying like oh, this isn't a an orgy type guy. I'm not an orgy guy. But if they started saying like, oh, this isn't a regular orgy, it's a cookie orgy or it's a donut orgy or like it's a red velvet cake orgy. Yeah. I mean, if you add any of those things, if you add anything, I'm on board. Okay. So like here, eat this bowl of shit. But like you add like, I'm just like it's a bowl of cookie shit. Yeah Sound that bad it doesn't I like the fucking like warm cookies just like fat idiot Yeah, but like but the icing's hard, but the inside of the cookie is like a little mushy. Oh, yeah I mean, I like have you seen the corn though? Okay. Yeah, you said that warm once again

What are you doing? You're sticking your fingers in this cookie borderline Haven't not I haven't not done that. You know, I don't know. It's crazy. Have you seen like subway? They're like new footlong cookie. Yeah, this thing is just a cookie dildo guys who Who's on the board? Somebody's been that's what you came up. I was gonna sayway's been reeling for about a decade now, right? Just like they made their whole fucking persona about this fucking guy Who lost all this money and now they're just like trying to backtrack a little bit like forget forget this creep Here's a fucking 12 inch cookie. There's just some idiot in an office somewhere at Subway and they're like we're losing sales

What do we do? And he's like, just make it a foot. It's a foot long cookie and a foot long pretzel and I think a foot long churro, which churro now aren't all churros foot long or even longer. Longer. Have you never, how long have you had a churro? How long is it? I've taken down an 18 inch churro. That's a wild thing to say. I don't say taken down Where six flags no brothers aren't 18 like compounds Same answer. No, I'm not giving out 18 inch churro. You never know man. I also, I wasn't. No, no, you don't know.

We know. I wasn't sitting there and going like, wait a sec. Yeah, but 18 inches I feel like now you're getting a little droopy. Poopy. You know what I mean? No, because they're fried, so you got a good fry on that bitch.

Yeah, but even anything fried, I mean if it's long enough it'll crack. No, no, no, no, no. Listen. I also like when they're filled with shit oh you could have I just saw your eyes could have went anywhere else but they do film oh I do like I've had a chocolate filled one it's not the way you said that it's not bad I'm in I'm in I'm into that croissants filled with stuff I want a regular regular fucking croissant. I don't follow you for that cuz a regular croissant is super good

Very good. Very good things that are like just butter flavor. Let me ask you a serious question. Fuck. I'm ready to ask you this Would you rather oh god, is it food? Yeah. Yes, would you rather have? One let's let's talk just desserts blanket desserts blankets, would you rather have one stupid fat-sized Americanized dessert? Americanized? Yeah, like a fucking, you know, a pizza pie cookie. Okay, okay. Or would you have a couple little ones?

Because... What are you talking about? Like, let's use cookies as an example. Would you rather have like a fucking like a clock face cookie? You know like big no I don't or would you rather have a cup with a bunch of one little baby boys like silver dollar pancakes? But maybe even a little smaller. I like that I did too so like I would rather silver dollar Sip of dollar I would rather silver dollar pancakes than I would like two big Jack I'm right there with you I want you know why and this is gonna sound so weird cuz I want to feel like I can put them in my pocket

And hide them just in case hi from whom and what someone maybe wants to steal my paint. That's not why I like them I like them because They're so versatile like you could just pick one up at your finger And you'd also get two at a time. Oh, you could also, I also feel way cooler eating a whole pancake. It also makes me feel like a giant. Yeah. Where it's just like, pancake.

And it's just like one fucking pancake goes in my mouth. Yeah, like I feel like I'm eating a whole pancake, but it's like a little dollop. That's why I like like the mini, the smaller cans of like soda. Cause I hold them in my hand like I'm Andre the giant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me feel like a big, big guy.

And you're not. I'm not, well, I'm not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You say, just admit it. I'm not the Giant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me feel like a big, big guy. And you're not. I'm not, well I'm not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You say, just admit it. I'm not 10 feet tall. I will admit that, yes. Okay, at least you admitted that. Yeah.

You know, you're half that. So I- No one! But like, would you rather have just like an 18 inch churro or would you rather have a cup of mini little churros? I think I'd like the minis. It makes me feel like there's more of it. And also I feel like I'm more healthy if I'm eating little ones than one big one.

For me to go out and be like, I ate a foot long cookie. For instance, for instance, we're approaching the end of spring training and dog sucking season. What seems healthier? 10 pigs in a blanket? 10? I was gonna say 25 minimum.

25 pigs in a blanket or 3 hot dogs? Bro, it is 3 hot dogs is not even close. Like I might in a full, let's just say that we're at a baseball game, right? Yes, yes. And it's like, oh, we've invited you and now you get a free food, right? And they just keep... Why did you say that? Like, we've invited you and now you get a free food.

Yeah, it's like, Mario and Luigi invited us. We invited you for free food. This baseball stadium is brought to you by Greece for some reason? I don't know. But there's just endless bowls of pigs in a blanket in a baseball game. Take it down. Bro, I could literally eat 50 maybe.

I would love to see what the ratio of- But I can't eat more than two hot dogs. Pigs to hot dogs. It's like, how many pig? Let's look just girth-wise, length-wise. Four pigs. No. Five pigs? Five pigs is, I think- One hot dog. One hot dog. How many pig I let's let's look just girth wise length wise for pigs No pigs five pigs is I think one hot one hot dog, right? I could rock it I could take that means I've been he wouldn't put pigs in a plank. It's around. I'm eating a thousand hot dogs Yeah, they're getting chomped on all over the course of a day to forget it

If you put out a plate of like 50 pigs in a blanket, I promise you by the end of a day too. Forget it. If you put out a plate of like 50 pigs in a blanket, I promise you by the end of that day, they will be gone. Also, I'm not eating two at a time. Like I'm, I will stand there and I'll eat one, but I won't leave until I've eaten six. Yeah. And I will be back. Oh yeah. And I'll tell you this though. I will say this, this is what infuriates me. If you cook these pigs and one of those fucking little weenies accidentally falls out if it's blanket, don't even put it on the plate.

If I see it on the plate, I'm spiking the whole thing. I'm just letting you know. I don't like a lone weenie, but I do like a lone Little croissant thing. Oh, yeah, the little pastry the puff pastry Yeah, so like but like a lone weenie get a blanket on that one. It's disgusting. I don't know yes exactly You get a fucking coat. I don't want to see this stupid-ass shit. Yeah, I don't want that. It's gross I'm actually grossed out by it Yeah, because then I just think about it sweating. I don't want sweaty hot dogs.

I don't know. By the way, we started on OJ Simpson. I don't know if other people do this, but I know that you'll be honest. So pigs don't bite, you know how they have an end that looks like a cigar, you cut it, so it's like a flatter end? Yeah.

I don't even know how to describe what I'm about to say. Okay. But have you ever taken the dog and pushed it against your teeth really hard and tried to eat just the middle of it? I'll be I'll be a hundred percent honest I'm not even quite understanding the mechanics of what you're asking. So, hot dog. Oh yeah. You push your teeth. But first of what you're asking hot dog. Oh, yeah You push your teeth. Well, first of all hot dogs are not holes Huh? No, they're circular circular circular. Okay. Yeah, this is the rest of the hot dogs here. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, okay, but you push your teeth against this against the flat the flat butt. Yeah, okay And then you try to just eat or not this. You try to eat like you're fucking like using like.

You stick your teeth out. Remember SpongeBob? Yes! I swear to God I was gonna say that. SpongeBob when he ate the thing. Yeah. And like that, I try to do that but just like the center of the hot dog.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't. I do. Now you know sometimes like hot dogs, like one of the sides isn't flat but it looks like it's like a wave. Like it's like Jimmy Neutron's hair where it just kind of goes like that. Yeah, and it's like, it goes, what did you?

Sometimes lick the curvature of that. No. So like the end of a hot dog, it's like misshapen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it comes down and it's like, whoop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a little like, what do you do? You flick your tongue a little.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't make this sexual. I, when I, I like, when I go to like just like. What do you do? You flick your tongue a little. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't make this sexual. I, when I, I like, when I go to bite it for a quick sec, I, I like lick the curvature of the hot dog. But what's the curvature? Like, all right. Oh, you'll lick the end of it. All right, all right.

You ready? Show me, show me. Welcome back. Sorry. If you're not watching on YouTube, you're missing out. All right, so let's say this is one side of a hot dog, right? And it's got like the little like butt hole over here.

You know what I'm talking about. Where they tie it off. But like this side, kind of like, kind of does like one of those. Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. And I'm like, I'll go to eat it. And I'm just like, and I'm. Pfft.

No? Stupid. So you lick the, the uh. But it's not like, it's not like a sexual lick where I'm just like. No, no, no, I'm not saying that. You know, going from base to top. But I'm saying you're just like.

Yeah, exactly, like Yoshi. Yeah, yeah. You know, just to, you know, it's all going to the same place. I wouldn't lick it, I would probably bite it off just so I could be like, let me try and get this. Do you wanna get this nice bite? Identical.

All right, now I got you a serious question. Okay. That just means nothing. All right, so you know when you take a bite of a hot dog and like you bite it, like, well, first of all, are you a side a side biter or a fucking full on vertical biting your vertical bite yeah like the so you get my top lip so the okay so you get the side the bread that kind of

comes to a point because you're the way that you're you're chomping you're chomping yeah do you level it off like you're dude what you have to write of course okay good I just wanted to make sure. Like, a bite is not a bite. A bite is three bites. Three bites, yes. Is hum? Yes. Yes.

Okay. You have to bite the ends because like, I've just messed up the bread. You can't, you need a good bread to dog ratio. Right. So, good, okay. You're like a landscaper. A hot dog landscaper in that.

Some would say that, yes. An artist, if you will. Who eats, people eat hot dogs sideways? Yeah, I've seen people eat hot dogs sideways. They take it with the ketchup and they go, I'm gonna. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also seen people, like they don't turn the hot dog, they just turn their head

because they don't want the toppings to, this makes sense, they don't want the toppings to fall off. If they're on top, where are they going? Well, sometimes people like to bite sideways, Joey. It's like the weird way you eat corn. You remember how you told me you eat corn the long way What? Yeah, I never said that Joey eats corn the long way put it out there folks. What is it? I don't even know how you could do that. Oh like this Are you talking about just taking it just going

No, it's a joke. Oh. It's not like insinuating you're putting phallic things into your mouth. Got it, got it, got it. You know, because normally you'd eat corn. Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan. I eat corn up and down. You eat it sideways.

You go like this? No, no, that's what you do. You wait, you go like, you hold it like it's a fucking newborn baby and you. No, no. What did you say up and down? I go like around. Yeah, that's what I was doing. But I don't, you go like nyan nyan nyan. Well did you say? Up and down. I go like around. Yeah, that's what I was doing.

I don't, you go yin, yin, yin, yin. Well, you didn't see the rotation. You didn't see the rotation of the pen. I go yin, you go yin, yin, yin, yin. No, no, no. Listen, you didn't see the rotation of the pen. I put a spiralized pattern into this corn on the cob, okay? So I go, I go yin, yin, yin, but I'm also earning.

So it's- You're spinning while you're yin, yin. Yes, so're nine. Yes. So it's 999. So in reality, it's It's like this oh you're trying to make a little you're getting fancy with it I'm getting it. Oh, you're doing like doing like sine the cosine curve where you're doing You're just doing back and or you're doing up around. I'm going around you're doing in circles, and you're doing I'm doing next-level shit You're you're doing like I'm doing two birds with stone, but when I'm when I get back to the other side I'm done with corn. I go over one and then I do it again What do you do as you're going this way and then when you're done, then you go the inverse, but go this way Yeah, then you go here. Oh, you're zigzag. I'm zigzag. Okay. I'm a zag zinger. That's that's stupid

You're zigzag. I'm zigzag. Oh, okay. I'm a zag zager. That's that's stupid. Oh No, it's not it's not You know what I used to have in my house These these thing it looked like a piece of corn Yeah, two prongs and you shove it into the sides of corn You don't remember you don't remember they're called corn holders one don't make it seem like you had a special house every house had those Two you don't remember small Soldiers where fucking they shoot those, the Commando Elise shoot those into their dad's leg? Frank, not everyone remembers this one movie.

Bro, no, stop! Because someone- That you love. I recently retweeted, like people were like, oh, Small Soldier, I was like, forgotten gem of the 90s. I had multiple people quote tweet or respond to my tweet saying like like I to this day I'm afraid of corn holders because of that movie and it's I don't

even remember that I remember the stapler who's shooting staples at their legs or some I don't remember oh yeah also bro bunch of toys ain't taking me down give me a fucking break here we don't need to go over this we've parsed through ad nauseam the absolute cinematic peak of Small soldiers and why I firmly believe that I do love it. I think it's like a what's the last time you watch it? Honestly? Hmm hearing out just do this Show up show up Show up to your nephew's house. Yeah, and just be like, Uncle Joey brought some popcorn,

we're gonna watch this movie and gonna get hooked. Yeah. Because he'll love it. Yeah, I mean, I don't doubt that. I loved it when I was younger. It's a great movie. It is a good movie. It's like Toy Story, but like edgy.

But like badass, you know? Yeah, like there's some fighting and blood. God, I love that movie. So does anyone die Not the toys. No, but no someone gets Nails in their leg or something gets the the things there's like a blowtorch at one point There is a blowtorch at one point they hit flaming tennis balls Oh, that's cool You remember that where she's like playing tennis and they're like throwing the flaming tennis balls and she spikes it at him

Very cool. He lit up talking about this. Yeah You know, there's a fucking truck driver that gets tied up and basically mauled by a bunch of toys Well, if you get tied up by a bunch of fucking toys, you're a loser, bro. Yeah, he wasn't he was an old bag though so he kind of He was an old bag though, and that's about as much sympathy you're getting out of Frank for being an old bag We do have some sponsors for today the first one being rocket money rocket money is gonna put money back in your pocket folks, okay? Are you irresponsible with your money? Probs all right cuz on average people are finding out that they could save

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Where are you going to get those? Hmm. I wonder, patreon.com slash the basement yard where you can get more of us. You guys recently helped us get over 30,000 patrons. Thank you so much. That is an unbelievable feat that is still shocking to put it lightly. So thank you guys. Now you sign up for that first year, you get exclusive rights to these episodes, these

weekly episodes, one week in advance. And then that second tier, you get exclusive additional episodes every single Friday. So what does that mean? You're that tier two level member. Then guess what? Uh, yeah, you start and end your week with the basement boys. Okay. Now for some reason, if you don't know how to go to patreon.com slash the basement yard, you can go to the basement yard.com, which is where we included all the information on our shows. Thank you guys so

much for helping us sell out. Absolutely wild. But also if you go to the basement yard.com slash submit, and you are one of the people that are going to be coming to any of the shows. You can, what is it? Submit stories, comments, things that you want us to talk about and maybe we'll pick them. And Joe, some of these cards, the last couple of shows,

the first three shows I should say, pretty out there, pretty wild. Yeah, people are out of their fucking minds. And like that's one of the funnest part about, like one of the best parts about The show is that you guys get to be involved in it as well so like Frank said you go to the basement.com slash submit fill out the forms if you're coming to the shows because You know we like sometimes that is a highlight of the show and like people are there we interact with them

We've even had we've met people after shows. They're like, oh that my card, like can I have it, so we just give them the card. So yeah, we want you guys to be involved as much as possible. So if you're coming to the shows, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit. There'll be prompts there, just kind of like, tell us something you never told anyone. And also you can stay anonymous.

You don't have to say it to you. So whatever it is. And there's other prompts there, just fill them all out. And yeah, helps with the production of the show. And it's a lot of fun. We had one person, one of the cards, remember, it was like, I'm here with my boyfriend and he doesn't know I'm married.

Yeah. Just wild, just wild. You could choose to stay anonymous or not when we're talking about it on the show, maybe. We had someone come up on stage, you know, at one point in time at one of the shows. So listen, they're a lot of fun. They help the show and it's a good way

to get us to interact with you guys. So like Joey said, go to thebasementyard.com slash submit. If you're coming to those shows, make sure you put in all your information and answer those questions and prepare yourselves. I was gonna say prepare your butts, but that's not. That's not. I was like feeling that you were going to say that.

I didn't wanna go butts, So that's why I pulled back. I didn't I Didn't I feel like it would be appropriate because no one's butts need to be prepared for the show your laughter organ Your butt will be fine. Yeah your Quit while you're ahead. Yeah laughter organ. I don't know your diaphragm What is a laugh? I don't know. You're diaphragm? What is a laugh? No?

No, that's you riding penis. No, it's not. Do it again. First of all, you know what? I've never ridden one, so I can't confirm nor deny. So, you nice little trap you try to get me in there, bitch. Do gay dudes ride each other? I would have said, I was gonna say do they

as if I had firsthand knowledge. But like, do they? I would have, I was gonna say do they as if I had first hand knowledge. But like do they? I think so dude. That's crazy. What are you saying? You're looking at me like. I just didn't think about that. How is that crazy?

I always thought doggy missionary and that was kind of it. And maybe sideways stuff. They probably have shit that we can't even fucking comprehend. Oh, yeah, I imagine. You know, I'm not tapped in, so I'm sure there's a lot of the lesbians ride each other or do they just fucking scoot like a dog across the carpet?

I wonder what the percentage is. How many lesbians are strapping up and how many are just? That's a quick Google, babe. You think so? I'm sure if you how many lesbians strap up. What am I going to say? You strap on? Yeah, look it up. Why not? I'm sure if you, how many lesbian- What, strap up? What am I gonna say? Use strap-ons? Yeah, look it up, why not?

I'm sure there's a number where it'll say like, a recent study at fucking the University of Berkenturken said that 80% of, you know, same-sex couples use strap-ons or, you know, it would probably have like some fucking, like, belted phallic equipment or some stupid like scientific term. There's not. I mean there's a thing that says how often do you use strap-on during sex, but that's it was a Reddit ask lesbians and they said I'd say about 80 80 percent of the time. So let's use some just general math here. If one lesbian couple is using it 80 percent of the time then that means that whatever in the percentage of them that are using it they're using it 80% of the time then that means that whatever in the percentage of them that are using it

They're using an 80% of the time that doesn't help how many are using so 80% equals X times Y so if we divide by No, first of all, I'm not even I'm choosing to not listen to you This one says 59% of lesbians don't reuse sex toys after a breakup. I mean- I imagine.

That's low. Oh, you think it's higher? No, no, no. I'm saying that should be 100. Why? Because the ghost of your ex is just on your dildo. Get rid of that, get a new one. They're not that expensive.

You think like people are putting like souls in the dildos? The ones that are gothic. Careful. What? Is that a slur? Don't. Careful.

Just don't, don't talk about the Goths because they come. They come for you. They'll come for you. Yeah. But I am, yeah, I would imagine it'd be like, oh, this, I have to get rid of this. Cause this is. Like if you had a dildo. Don't. This is not, I am yeah, I would imagine it'd be like oh this I have to get rid of this because this is like you had a dildo Don't this is not I'm not I'm not allowing this hypothetical

Well back at you if I had a dildo say it like about yourself. No, no, not your dildo It's a dildo that you and a woman used just for funds Like it was your dildo though. You know what I'm saying? Like. I'm not, I'm not taking any ownership of a dildo. No, no, no. Like it's not, you don't, you don't. The dildo is not mine. Yeah, you don't get dildo. Dildo theirs.

Yeah, you, you do the dildoing. You dildo die. I dildoed. Right, you dildoed. I dildoed. You dildo, she gets dildoed. You understand? So that's how I feel like you guys are figuring it.

Like it's like a sword fight. I don't like, I don't like the sword you guys are figure it like it's I don't like that I don't like this sword. This is a lot of like this. I will say this is a little bit evil So why if you use that with some girl and then you guys end up breaking up? We're gonna use this on the next girl. Yeah, no it has to go I imagine a new girl new dildo I mean, but but again the dildo is not remaining with me So of course cuz it's going to the landfill or wherever Ocean, I don't know. No, no, no, no Let's let's let's use a non like penetrate penetrative fucking sex toy for we're talking. Okay, okay

handcuffs Handcuffs. Oh, I'm so sorry fucking queen of sex. Tell me what you use vibrators. What about that? fucking queen of sex, tell me what you use. Vibrators, what about that? But I'm not keeping, I'm not like buying a vibrator and keeping it and just being like, this is. No, it's not like that, it's like one that you and a partner use, so it's like. Yeah, but if, because I am a straight male.

Right. My female partner, I'll be like, that's yours, you can take it. It's not remaining with me and she's like, you could throw it out, I'll be like. Oh, I see what you're saying. I'm not being like's yours you could take it it's not remaining with me and she's like you could throw it out I'll be like oh I see what you're saying I'm not being like I'm gonna oh this the dildo in this you know you know I yeah I I won the vibrator in the divorce the reason why I'm now I'm like because before I was like this is such a specific headline like dildos I mean

lesbians like but there's both specific headline like dildos. I mean lesbians like but they're both women. Yes, exactly Dildos because I assume and again, I don't have first-hand knowledge here. I assume there is a significant percentage of Lesbians That have you know phallic sex toys. I'm not gonna say dildo or vibrator, but something that's meant for penetration. Yeah. Okay. Cause they bring it to the relationship.

You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, this is my Xbox. I actually wonder- We broke up. I'm taking my Xbox back. I wonder if dildos are like bank accounts for lesbians in a way. Cause you know how it's like, we have our own bank accounts. We have our own dildos. like bank accounts for lesbians in a way because you know how it's like we have our own bank accounts We have our own dildos. Do you also have a joint one? Yeah, I imagine I imagine yeah, and is that one?

I'm sure that has to do with sex toys in general. I mean we know some men that have Sex toys that I'm sure when they got into a relationship. It was like, this is my, you know. My toy. I imagine them like they're like my toys. I imagine them like in a big trench coat and they open it and they got like pocket watches and then fucking strap ons and shit, you know? So like, I imagine it's exactly that. It's like that bank account, that bank account,

we've been together long enough, let's invest in our future. Let's go me and you, let's go habsies on a diddies. This, well yeah. You know? Let's like, let's invest in our future. Let's go me and you, let's go have these on a diddy's. This, oh yeah. Let's like, let's use this joint account to pay the bills, to get the job done, so to say. So like then you could be like, oh, you know, instead of like looking at new couches,

you could be like, oh, did you see that really nice vibrator in the window, wow. It makes sense though, because you have those that are just for masturbation, those are yours. Use that, that's your own bank account. That's your own money, use your own. But when we're having sex, we have to have our own. We have to have like, no, we have to have a joint.

You know how I feel about masturbation. I'm not going down this rabbit hole. Okay, you're not, but people masturbate. I know, I know, I know, I know. But, but I imagine it's like, and then do you share? Frank, he's afraid to touch his own dick. I'm not afraid to touch my own dick. I touch it all the time.

Every time I pee. That's not true. Sometimes I'll be like laying on the couch and I'll just throw my hand on my, on my shit. Oh my God, dude. I thought you were going to be like, you lay on the couch and just piss. No, it's like, what are you talking about?

No, no, no, no pee pee. You ever not touch your dick and you just go like this and you just pee? Yeah, but weird. I no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Me. No, that's a great question. Is what? Should I have a lesbian rabbit hole right there? What is we, right down the lesbian rabbit hole. It's the walls are painted dark colors and you know, there's flannel pattern everywhere. They have a garden of radishes, you know. What does any of that mean?

I'm not very in tune with what lesbians are into. Did you think that lesbians were really into radishes? I assumed a like- No, no, no. Explain the radishes. How does that have anything to do with lesbians? I like close my eyes and I imagine flannels. Okay.

Overalls that are dirty and like one of the straps is undone and then they use like- I like that though. They wipe their brow. I kinda like that look. Yeah, I'm not saying anything bad about it, but like, like that's what I like, and I'm imagining that like, the reason that they're in those overalls,

in the flannels, is cause they're pulling like root vegetables out of the ground. And that's honestly, honestly, honestly, honestly, the first root vegetable I thought of in my head was a radish. So there you go. You think of lesbians and you think of farming women. Is that what you think? I know. Is that what you think of?

I know that obviously that's not all of them, but like, oh, there's definitely a farmer lesbian. Of course. Farmers only. Yeah. Got to be on that. How specific is that? That is, I mean, the dating apps get very specific, which whatever.

Do they though? Like that's pretty. There's like farmers only. Yeah. J only, Yeah. J-date. Yeah, but like Jewish people only marry Jewish people for- Not necessarily. No, I know, but like a lot of them are like,

well, my parents want me to marry a Jewish girl or like, you know, it's like- But it also could just be, you know, just like I want someone that has similar interests in me. It might not necessarily be because of like a forcible, like you need to marry a Jewish person. But like in religions that are like- Hyper. Very religious. Yeah. like even Christians like Christians and I think I think there there are Christian mingle Christian mingle

Yeah, yeah, so it's like those people it makes sense that they have their own thing now. I need to look at our sprawl farmers the most specific dating apps Now I gotta look this up All right, so. Farmers is insane to me. You're crossing a line here. Like, we're not even involving a religion here. It's just that you, you what?

You like to dig? Is that it? Alright, hold on, hold on. I got you, I got you, I got you. Okay. There's a dating app called Hater, which what do you think it is? Oh, you get along because of things that you hate.

Yeah. That's fire, by the way. What's better than that? Finding someone who's like, I hate this. Yeah, now this is a website you could fall for a person who shares a distaste for the same things as you. Hater's slogan is meet someone who hates the same stuff. That's funny.

Okay. Bristler. Brist? Brist, B-R-I-S-T-L-R. What the fuck is that about? If you identify as being really into, think of it. Bras? No, bristler, bristle.? No, bristler, bristle.

It's basically bristle, bristle. What is a bristle? Toothbrush. Okay, think more outside the box. Combs. What could it do with human beings? Comb them. Bristles?

Clean. Okay, for those who are really into facial hair, then maybe join bristler. Connect those with beards to those who want to stroke beards. Oh. Okay, here we go now. I thought bris also, isn't bris like the Jewish thing where they cut off your-

Yeah. Sizzle. Okay. Dating app for? Spicy food lovers. Spanish people. The lifelong vegetarian that I am will never fully understand people's obsession with bacon.

But if you're someone who eats, sleeps, and prays for more bacon, then go out when you go out to brunch, you may feel your heart beat faster at the sound of a dating app. Dude. Which is also owned by Oscar Meyer. The hot dog app.

The hot dog people. Hot dog app. This is incredible. Oscar Meyer, very smart. Do you know how fucking far gone you gotta be The hot dog app? Hot dog app? This is incredible Oscar Mayer Very smart Do you know how fucking far gone you gotta be to be like I've tried everything I'm gonna download the bacon dating app Bacon bacon bacon

But you know there are people out there that'll do like oh my face like chocolate covered bacon and bacon drizzle and bacon beer and bacon soda I went to a place in Denver that had a bacon flight It was unbelievable Of flight it was unbelievable of course it was dude it's bacon they had a maple some shit oh yeah you ever drizzled well you don't I assume you don't make much bacon next time you do next time you do hear me out you ready I'm hearing go brown sugar Oh candy Brown sugar. Oh, candy bacon. But not a lot. And then a little cayenne pepper. You know what I'm saying?

All right. High, high dine. H I high dine. H I D I N E. Oh, people who like fine dining. Probably the most awkward date of any app is when the, sorry. Most awkward part of any date is when the check arrives and people get flustered as they pull out their wallets. This dating website has one main rule,

the guy always pays. Okay. Sounds like dating. Maple match. Syrup? Canadian? It's motto, for anyone gung ho about leaving the country now that Trump is possibly moving back into the White House. There's a new dating app that will help you find love in Canada

Its motto is make dating great again Probably because once you've dated everyone in America and had no luck Canada is a country nearby All right, this is stupid bro All of these things though like all the ones that we've sort of named here if there's more than a hundred users What's going on? This is wild a line, but you know what? This is the thing though I remember like speaking to one of our friends, we're not gonna put their name out there, but like they have explained

that they have multiple dating apps. So it could be one person has like 10 different fucking dating apps. No, I get that, but like, dude, who the fuck likes bacon that much? So you're gonna base your relationship on bacon? It's a weird place to start. Very weird.

Align, if you believe in the magic of astrology and are constantly checking your horoscope to see when it's a good time for you to go out there and find love, there's a dating app that lets you find your match based off your zodiac sign. This is probably my least favorite one. That probably also is the most popular one.

Honestly, yes, and also it's probably so annoying because all it is is people just being like, Leo, no, you know, and it just being like, oh, Leo, no. And it's just like. Well, I'm sure that's what you pick. You're like, I don't want any fucking Virgos or whatever the fuck. That's wild.

That's wild. Yeah. Last one here. That's my, yep, my light's on. Last one here, Luxy. If you are very, very rich and also kind of an asshole, then you can eyeball other potential matches in your tax bracket with a dating app called Luxie

Which bills itself as you guessed it Joe Tinder without the poor people Why? No way Yep, so it's just about how much money you make it's basically Raya, but a little more douchey That's way more and Raya's douchey as hell. Yeah, okay, well then there you go. That's bad. I've never been on Raya, so I can't confirm the doucheyness of it.

That is hilarious. I've told this story before, my experience on dating apps. It was probably only Tinder then, no? Tinder and Bumble. Okay, I didn't know Bumble was that old. Yeah, well yeah, it was literally right before Becca. And I was on it for a couple months. Take a wild guess.

Just close your eyes, close your eyes, all right? I'm closing. You know me. I know you. You know my humor, my looks. Just the general appeal of me. Well. Yeah, my looks right just the general appeal of me. Well

In three months guess how many Matches I got on either of those dating apps. I'm gonna go with a soft Zero yeah That true big old goose egg Wow. Yeah, but did you use a lot of pictures from college? Because I get it. Oh boy. It was. When you were dressing, like you worked on a plane. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, careful, careful what you're saying.

Like I work on a plane. What do you mean? Like I was like an attendant? Like a flight attendant? Yeah. You wore a lot of like blazers for like no reason. I did wear a lot of blazers. I wore them for my job.

And like. For my job. Wrong. No, definitely right. And you would wear a lot of blazers. I wore them for my job. And like for my job. Wrong. No, definitely right. And you would wear a lot of red pants, which was like. I did have salmon pants. I did have blue pants. A lot of Sperry's.

Sperry's. Yeah. I mean, listen. You dressed like someone that would use the deluxey app. Probably, honestly. Yeah. But I was using, if there's a, at the time, poor person dating app.

That's what I should have used. Right. Called like, uh oh, I almost, I almost slipped up. I don't even know what you were about to say, honestly. I almost slipped up, I ain't gonna. Okay, good, but because I don't wanna be a part of what you were about to say either. Yes, Frank?

How many fingers am I holding up? Five. How many things did we say we wanted to talk about today? I have it written down, but I haven't looked at it. One, two, three, four, five. And how many of those things, Zero. Wait, wait, before you answer,

how many of those things did we talk about and hint it is numerically the same amount of matches I had gotten. That's how I was gonna answer too. Prior to my wife. That's what I was gonna answer too. Yeah, zero. Yeah, none.

It would be the big fat zero. Big old fat old goose egg. And before we get to the second round of ads, I do wanna just throw in the dream that I had last night. Super weird, but I had a dream that like, I killed a bunch of people apparently. I didn't like kill them like boom boom dead You're dead you went like the good old-fashioned American way of killing people is just like you know out of sight out of mind

Pretty much why I didn't intend to kill anyone I I went I was walking past This building and like I need just so we're clear son of Sam didn't intend to kill anyone either He just thought he was saving them so I'll explain why I was walking past this building That I needed to be demolitioned Okay, you're not I'll be honest here. You're not helping your cause. I like nobody's filthy disgusting There was a fucking guy selling no it can food. Is that what you're saying here? No, there was there, there was a, it was a building that was supposed to come down eventually

and I was like, this needs to come down already. And I don't know why it needed to come down. But I was like, question, go ahead. Where was this building? Indiscriminate or was it like, can you like, with confidence say it was in New York, Queens? No, I have no idea. Okay, go on.

But it was a big like apartment building. It wasn't very tall, but it was probably five floors, but pretty long. And it was a bunch of, you know, whatever. So let's use the pastilly building. Oh yeah, let's use the one that no one knows. So now they have a good visual of what it is. What are you saying?

Clown? Anyway. But there was a button, right? On the fence. And it just said demo. I'm sorry, I have a lot of questions. You had red button? I think it was orange.

Get the hell out of here. It was a construction site basically. Any cool buttons are red. Fair. But, so I was like. Or square. Bro, buttons that you need to lift up a glass case and press? I can lift up glass cases and press buttons

for the rest of my time. I honestly, I can't tell you how bad I've wanted to like, this is a crime and I've never done it, but how bad I've wanted to- Launch a nuke? That, oh yes Joey, that is a crime. I meant like- I'm saying like the fire alarms that are like glass

and you just need to fucking punch them and hit a button behind them. Oh. So bad. No, I wanna turn a key and then have a light and then have a thing pop up and then press a button and like, but I don't want anything to happen. Yeah, yeah. You know, you kinda want something to happen a little bit.

No, I don't want anyone to explode. Add some stakes to it. Unless it lands in the water and there's a big splash, then I'll be down. Oh, what about like at the Bellagio? Oh, and you can- Isn't that a thing where it's like a button? It's a rumor, I think, yeah.

Is it a rumor? I don't know. I don't know enough to- Call your boys. Oh, he just died. All right, nevermind. Shh. But, so there was a button that said demo,

so I was like, oh, and I just pressed, I was like, this place needs to come down. So I pressed demo. And then I realized after the fact that, like I pressed it, but no one saw me press it, except I was with somebody, but I don't remember who it was. And I press it and like the building comes down, right? Uh-oh.

And then someone's like, oh my God, what happened? Like all those people. and I was like no I didn't know there was people in there But I just thought that's come down bad of you also though Don't have it don't have a big orange button don't have a demo but I was on the sidewalk I look if it wasn't you honestly it would have been anybody it would have been anybody one of those measly kids You know one of those mangy kids and that dog too Yeah, you know but like I and then I felt so bad and I was like we have to get out here

And I like was trying to hide not hide But I was like it's cool and like I was like trying you don't remember who you have no idea And then when I I remember because I was like oh fuck This is a bench. I'm eventually going to get caught for this, for doing that and killing all those people. And then I woke up and my first thought was like, thank God I'm not on the hook for that. Like I was like actually relieved that I didn't take down a building of people.

Did I tell you that I had a dream recently that you and I robbed a Target? Yeah. Yeah, my big thing was when I woke up, I was just like, oh, okay, that was a dream. I love when I have dreams and I'm like, I'm so glad I'm not dealing with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got enough going on. I don't need to deal with fucking demoing a building with people in it. Yeah, I was like, come on. I don't need to deal with mass murder. Everything is going so good, why did I even press that button? Yeah. Just pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I'm selling out shows nationwide. I don't need to deal with this, you know You know people and dead people probably of a lower socioeconomic status that you're blowing up their homes Yeah, now they're just rubble Big fan of rubble by the way love the word rubble rubble as a word as a thing I like a bunch of rocks. I can't tell you how I don't like when people are under the rubble But I like rubble you have to read the ads now. I can't tell you how I don't like one people are under the rubble, but I like rubble You have to read the ads now. There's no way you can come

We have better help Okay If you guys want again to therapy this this show is sponsored by better help They are online therapy you can talk to a therapist in another 48 hours, so they connect you very quickly They have licensed therapists You know through their website all over the country. And you can start talking about anything.

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Stitch Fix, they've been a friend of the show for a while now. But basically it's like having your own stylist. It's a lot of fun. So you go onto their website, you fill out like a style quiz, you let them know what kind of patterns you like wearing, what kind of fit you like, what sizes you are,

and everything else. And then they just start pulling items from a like, what sizes you are and everything else. And then they just start pulling items from a bunch of brands that you know and love. And then it keeps your wardrobe just like fresh, you know, you never wear a T-shirt for the 115th time because you can have like a rotating bunch of clothes. It's nice with Stitch Fix. So yeah, like I said, it's a bunch of brands you know and love. It's not like, you know, I'm not making the shirt. It's like, you know, some brand that you know and love. So yeah, let's go check them out. Stitch Fix. It's style. It makes you feel as good

as you look. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash basement. That is stitchfix.com slash basement. Okay. They make it so easy. You don't even have to go to the store, spend time shopping, trying to find the right things, whatever whatever fill out this quiz let the professionals take care of it go to stitch fix comm slash basement right now and also when you get the stuff if you don't love something you just send it back free shipping every single time it's lovely stitch fix comm slash basement enjoy folks but yeah oh what I did want to talk about, something that we did write down, is like, because we talked about cicadas,

I don't know if that was like Patreon or like, the weird thing. But then you, so here's what Frankie said, he's like, oh, there's a fungus and then cicadas are gay. That's what he said. All right, all right, all right, all right. And we already done lesbians, so now we have to do gays. This is a very gay episode.

Because of equality. This is is absolutely. The straights get too much. Too much. So let's give gays and lesbians their chance. To shine? I don't know, are they shining? Yeah, so on the Patreon episode that we recorded this week,

but by the time you're seeing this, it's already out, we talked about there's reportedly trillions of cicadas. By the way, I'm gonna ask you something. I know that you're not a big fan of cicadas or crawly bugs or things that have little legs that kind of like, what is a group of cicadas called? If this isn't going to make it 10 times scarier. What does it start with? A B.

If they ain't going to make it 10 times scarier for, you're not, like, I don't know what will. A bastard. No, that would be great though. No, a brood. A brood? Kinda cool, but like also, like when you're just like, there's a brood coming for me. Yeah, it sounds like.

You immediately think gangrel. I do think of gangrel. Immediately, that's the first place your mind has to go. I do. 1990s fucking attitude error, vampire wrestler gangrel. Immediately, that's the first place your mind has to go. 1990s fucking attitude error, vampire wrestler, Gangrel. Yeah. And the original brood. Edge.

Gangrel. And. Come on, dude, are you kidding me? You're not serious. Edge's tag team partner for a close- Oh, Christian? There you go. Oh, I thought that was too easy.

And then you know the new brood. Do I? The new brood. Here's a nice little wrestling trivia question for you. Is it Roman Reigns in them? No, that was the shield. Oh, right, shit. The new brood came immediately after the original brood.

So it was Gangrel. Yeah. Who were the other two? Can I have a hint? Any hint would give it away very easily. X pock. No, no, no, no. He was the X, bro.

I know, oh I don't know. And then X factor. Who is it? Once you hear it, you're gonna be upset. You're gonna be like. Okay, but like you walk me a little bit. Walk you? Big guy, little guy, jumping guy.

Two guys that. So tag teams. Yeah. Two guys, the So tag teams. Yeah. Two guys, the Hardy boys. Yes. They were the new brood. Wow. Yeah, dude.

I didn't know that. Yeah, it was kind of crazy. But two different types, two different broods of cicadas are reemerging this year. Trillions of cicadas are gonna be out there. I hate this. Joey already hates it. Now to make him hate it even.

Don't you dare. No, no, no, no. But reportedly there is, they're coming out with a fungus, okay? And known as Massas pora sicadena, contagious condition causes a white fungus to overtake infected cicadas bodies. So far sounds like some last of a shit, right?

Yeah, yeah. Before the ailment progresses, prompting the bugs' genitals to fall off. Oh, this is a dick. It's a dick falling off condition. They enjoy one hell of a last hurrah, showing a lot of hyper-sexualized behavior, and for several of the males, turning gay.

That's a good idea. Bro, there's going to be trillions of cicadas. We can't let them fuck each other and make more. There's too many of them. Make them gay. I don't think this is a good thing for the cicada population. I don't ca- I hope they all die. Oh, really? Extinct them. Why? You gotta be careful here, Joey.

What? I'm talking about cicadas right Joey what I'm talking about cicadas right now cicadas no no what do we need them we need cicadas I think they are good for the environment how okay first of all they provide nutrition to what to other bugs fuck all of us why are why are Can you make a case for us needing bugs? I know we need bees. Why are cicadas good for the environment? They're not dangerous and can provide some environmental benefits.

They're a valuable food source for birds and other predators. I don't care, bro. That one I don't care about. Bread, we got old people, they throw bread at them, they'll be fine. Fair enough, fair enough. They can aerate lawns and improve water filtration

to the ground. Ah, I like that. that is something that is important to homeowners like myself You know you could do you can go out there with a pitchfork and go yeah Yeah But that is hard or I can just let these cicadas just fucking burst through this lawn and then boom aeration already done get some oxygen to The roots of my grass that's really gonna help the whole fucking lawn look nice and beautiful Let the lawn die and then get more sod. No. You're fine.

No, but is this not, put your tinfoil hat on for a sec. Is this not proving every hyper- That we can create funguses to do stuff? So now, maybe. Oh wow, that's interesting, I didn't even think of that. Maybe, hear me out. Yeah.

Maybe the hyper Republicans are like, oh great. We got the fungus. This is what the Dems are gonna do. That's what they're gonna do. Reportedly, there is a very high ranking member of Congress. I'm not gonna say their name, who reportedly is very anti-gay, but in his private life, very into gay, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, that's like a bunch of them. Well, what if he's like, he comes out and he was just like, it was this masa prasa, sickadeya, or whatever it's called. Yeah, I don't know if that's it, but that sounded cool. Yeah, I think that they're, you know what's interesting because we also wrote down the eclipse.

I don't, it was kind of underwhelming. I couldn't see it. Sun, moon, both. kind of underwhelming. I couldn't see it. Sun, moon, both. Don't care. Guess what? Couldn't see it. I won't go to either of them, don't care. Oh, it got dark. It happens every day, I don't care.

You can't go to one of them. Don't care, I don't care. But with the eclipse, it's like, how do you live your life thinking that everything is like a conspiracy? Like honestly, maybe it's a little fun for them, but like. Or terrifying, bro. Just thinking like the idea that like all of these powers, and listen, maybe it's a little fun for them, but like. Or terrifying, bro. Just thinking like the idea that like all of these powers

and listen now I'm not gonna get into. Which is, what are we talking about? I'm not gonna get into like certain conspiracies because there have been proven in some capacity to be like fucking like malevolent forces that are like gearing and fucking trying to eat people and shit. What?

But imagine thinking every part of life is that, that even if it might be real and you might have good Oh, no, let me live my life. I don't have a nice hair, bro. I don't know I don't care unless I'm face to face with a witch witch go be a witch I don't get it's very honestly nice of you, but there are people that don't feel like like that There are people that are they're bored bro have more things going on in your life necessarily I mean witchcraft can have to deal with you know religion and stuff like that.

And people feel that it goes in opposition of themselves and their beliefs. Yeah but like also like relax. Yeah. It gives the Bible or some other book like a chance to like maybe not everything is. You know what? You know what?

Joey. Relax. You should write like an addendum to the Bible. Yeah, let's cremate Mormonism. I'll be- Cremate. Cremate. Let's cremate it.

Let's cremate. Just write like the Sanagatah Bible. And like you add just like here, at this point when like Lucas talks about doing this to- Lucas. Whatever his name is. What's his name? Who?

From the Bible. Which one? There's a thousand people in the Bible Jesus are you talking Lucas is a Lucas in there Luke okay Luke fine you guys are on a cool cool name basic no whatever I just call him by his actual name yeah Luke is a real name but Luke is normally short for Lucas no it isn't yeah it is oh it's not yes it is L U K E yeah it's its own name it's it's not. Yes, it is. L-U-K-E. Yeah, it's its own name. It's it's short for Lucas. No, it's its own name Like dick is short for Charlie which that doesn't make any dick is short for Richard. Oh, yeah

Charlie is short for Charles. Sorry my bad Sorry Joey's really you know keyed in on what short dicks are for. But like, Frankie Francisco. I mean, it's... Joey Joseph. Yes. Am I crazy for thinking Lucas is the longer form of Luke?

No. I mean, I think people call Lucas's like Luke maybe but like Luke is its own name. I Mean, yeah sure Joey's its own name too, but it's a derivative Yeah, if you're a baby kangaroo, but it's known as name like Joey. Well, that's not true cuz Danny I was gonna say Danny's legal name is Danny. Yeah, it's not Daniel Danny Danny, which is interesting There was someone else who told me that they have like their nickname is like their actual name I can't remember who it is, but that's where that story ends Why are we talking about that cicadas? Mm-hmm?

No, but I was gonna say this fungus is a good idea because if they're gay then they can't reproduce and then we could just like fight them The cicadas the The cicadas. Just wanna make sure. I'm not fighting any gay people. For the clips. No, dude. Gay people will whoop your ass, dude.

Anyone would whoop my ass. It's fair. Yeah, like I'm not fighting it. Fair. I just, I feel like cicadas are good for the environment. You know, this, we should figure out this fungus. Yeah, I mean that is crazy. Because then Alex Jones is right, and then it gets the frogs yeah the frogs are good no it's not man-made you

get man-make a fungus oh I thought that's what you said oh oh so how are they getting fungi'd it's like maybe it's like a it's like in there it's like a it's like a cicada STD or something dude imagine getting so horny your dick falls off I don't know if that's like cool or bad. Like you know how horny you have to be if your dick could just explode? Well, no, I think it's like, it sends them to a state of hypersexualization.

Yeah, but is that hope? Where like they use it so much that it's like a skin tag, it just dies off. Oh, they like rub their whole dick off. Yeah, they like use their dick to the point where it's just like, this thing can't produce enough blood so it just dies and falls off like a raisin. Do you think that'd be cool?

I feel like it might be fucking sick. No. Like just like, oh I'm so hard I... Like it's probably cool while you're in it. Dying's not sick. Oh no. I don't think it's cool. No.

Well you don't want to lose your dick. Yeah, I mean they die, no? Oh, they lose their dick and live? I think. No, you can't have a dick and live. Yeah, you can. If your dick falls off, you got a big hole in your body. Bro, sew it up.

Sew it up, yeah, there's nurses in the cicada world. There's no hospitals. I don't know. They just bleed out. You ever think about that? No. Like if animals get hurt, they just get hurt. They just bleed.

There's no hospitals. There's no nurse tigers. You stab a tiger, a tiger is stabbed forever. There are vets, like we say that. No, no, I'm talking about the wild. But like there's no other tigers like come over here. Yeah, yeah, like let me fix it. Let me like patch it up.

But I think certain animals can like fight through it. Like you ever seen a lion, like a battle worn lion? Their face is all fucked up. They healed from those wounds. That looks cool. It does. Yo, when I was younger, I wanted a scar like this. Oh yeah.

Look at me, dude. I am a bitch. And imagine walking around with a scar like this. It would be nothing. Bro, in every wrestling game, when you could create a wrestler, I gave myself a scar across my face or down one of my eyes. And then like, I gave myself a scar across my face or down one

of my eyes and then like I would want the scar to the eye and then like the white out eye contact you know what I'm saying oh man this guy's seen some shit yeah I've seen nothing it's a wrestling game I've seen nothing I've seen I've never seen I've never seen anything blind to the world basically any sort of experience whatsoever what are you gonna do? Yeah Are you gonna drink water? Yeah, I'm thirsty. I'm parched Chug it you won't That was so sick are you gonna throw up

That was so sick. Are you gonna throw up? You wanna hear something funny what I did this morning? You threw up? No, this is a good send off story. I was on my way here and I had to get gas, but I was so into what I was listening to in the car that I forgot to get off the rest stop to get gas. And I didn't have enough.

What was it? What was it? What was it? I'm just going to play it for you and you confirm like you were so into something that you did that you forgot what was going on. I'm just going to just just hear it out and then you'll be like, all right, this makes sense why you weren't able to make it or why you forgot to stop. Are you ready? Are you ready? Yes. OK. What the fucking attitude? OK. Oh, you forgot to stop. Are you ready? Are you ready? I need you to, okay.

With the fucking attitude, okay? Oh my. ["I Smell Pussy"] So you smell that? What's that? I smell pussy. Do you blame me? I smell pussy?

It's a good song. By 50 Cent. By 50, but well. Ja Rule, if he's watching, is not gonna be happy. G Unit. It is by G Unit, yes. It was the G Unit. It's a good song by 50 cent by 50 job rule if he's watching is not gonna be unit It was the G unit. It was the G unit, but I Was into it drove past and I didn't have enough gas to make it to the next rest stop So I was like fuck I need a I was gonna in the middle of the parkway there little spots where you can just drive Across but they say don't do that and normally cops hang there

So I went and I was gonna drive across and I saw a cop car So I stopped my car and I opened the door and pretended to dry heat like I was No, you didn't Where on my children a hundred million percent I was like I saw the cop there was I gotta think I gotta think I gotta think I gotta think so I just open the door and I was like Did you make eye contact with the cop I know Because they were far enough away and they were in like them like murdered out like dodge charger Yeah, you know what I'm saying, and I just and then I and then I was like I put I'm full-on acted

Yeah, did you get out? No? No? I just leaned over to make it look more real and then I just like and then I like did like a I just leaned over to make it look more real and then I just like and then I like did like a God I swear on my children's lives and then I drank water and sped away So amen what when you gotta I guess when you gotta get gas, you gotta get gas, you know what I'm saying? That is, that is, God bless. That's Frank Alvarez in a nutshell there, ladies and gentlemen. Frank, where can I find you? FAlvarez885 on Twitter, the Frank Alvarez,

and all the forms of social media. Go check out the Patreon, patreon.com slash your basement yard. Folks, our basement yard experience shows sold out. Legitimately insane. If you are coming to those shows, we said it for the first three shows. If you're coming, go to the basement yard.com slash submit. A big portion of the show is we read fan subscription, you know,

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