The Basement Yard - #514 - We Got Into Clown School

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

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Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement yard. How you doing? Hey guys. Mr. Green. How you doing Mr. Green? Mr. Green. In the conservatory with the candlestick.

Colonel Green? Fuck that game. Colonel Mustard. Who's Mr. Green? Fuck that mustard, Colonel. Who's the green guy? Green. The green, I don't know.

I haven't played Clue in God knows how long. Professor Plum. They're all, are they all colors? Miss. I don't think I've ever properly played Clue. Like how do you know who's killing who? I don't know. You know what?

I remember playing. Do you any of you guys remember the, Are you afraid of the dark board game from the 90s? No. I remember. Yeah, I wouldn't. Well, yeah, you're too young. We get it.

You're only 20 years old. You fucking. Why are you wearing aviators inside? I thought I'd put on something nice. By the way, Ant cam. Ant cam. Ant cam. It's the ant cam.

It's the ant cam. It's the ant cam. And the ant cam can can. Can can. If the ant can cam can cam, and can't cam cam and cam anyway

yeah I like green oh we're skipping over your board game clue yeah I never probably played it me neither it is I still don't even know

what a conservatory is I think that's where you like look at stuff that's an observatory I think you're right you're 100% right you know what I like

a planetarium oh man you might have one of those in your house one day a planetarium yeah where you just have like a planets yeah I could see

you getting like a light in the middle of the room and you and you like it just shows the stars and you can just look up and be like there's a Ryan's belt what was that shit that we used to climb into when we were children it was like the bubble right the little i think it was called a planetarium we would go into the basement of our school and we'd all climb into a bubble and sit in we would sit crisscross applesauce very close very close uh almost got me that hard eye um we would sit criss crops Crypts, crops, babel, blouse. And then it would project the... Like the stars and stuff.

Yeah. And then they always did the thing where they were just like, if you whisper over there, the person across can hear it because of how, like, it shaped. I don't believe that. Oh, no, it, 100%. You know what else is like that too? Grand Central Station.

They're like, if you go at parts of Grand Central Station, you can literally go to one end of the room and whisper in the other person on the other house. So I can hear it as clear as day. I guarantee you that's fake. No, it's a real thing. What are you shaking your head? It's real.

You've done it? No. I've done it. But I've seen it. I've done it and it is real. I don't believe you. You want it to be real. Why would I want whispering to be real?

Because you are a child. I mean, at heart. I, do I get offended by that or not? I don't think so. I'm asking you, I'm asking you, a big part of your personality. No, I think you're good.

You like that. Yeah. I do. I kind of like that. Okay, fine. But you shut it into derogatory way. That I don't like. No, I'm saying like you would want it to be real, so it's like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I guess. You're telling me you go to an opposite end of Grand Central Station, and I'm going to hear you whisper. Yeah, I promise. Even with all the hubbub. Yeah. Not the hubbubub. What's it called? Hubbub.

Hubbub. Hullabab. Hullaboo. Is it? Blue or hullabble? Something similar to that happened to my family at a restaurant, but they were complaining about a waiter, and, like, because of the arch of the room, the waiter heard everything they said from across. This isn't something I believe in. You don't need to believe in.

You don't need to believe. in it. It's true. Okay. Things can exist beyond your comprehension. I mean, it happens every single day. What happens every day? Things exist beyond your comprehension. Brandian.

Like, you can't comprehend the, like, astrophysics, but it exists. Same with me. I mean, I'm not saying like you're, I'm not, like I'm exempt from it. We're both in the same category. Just because we can't get it. it doesn't mean it's not real.

I'm not acknowledging that like I'm 100% correct. It's one of those things that like I'll have to experience it and then I'll believe it. It's literally called the whispering gallery in Grand Central Station. Yeah. So like people would go and then back in the day they'd be like, oh, this

this hoar is over there with her ankles out. And then people would be like I heard that. Yeah. Whispering bitch. I mean they give names to shit all the time. I mean, that doesn't that that's the proof that we have that I mean, I didn't know, I'll be honest, it kind of makes it cool that they called it the Whispering Gallery.

Yeah. Because if it was just called, like, there's like secret like restaurants and shit in Grand Central. Do you know all about this stuff? I know there's like secret trains. Well, that I don't care about. I'm talking like, there's like secret bars and restaurants and shit. Speakisies? But they're not really speakeasies.

They just like, you need to go through one to get to the other and shit like that. My uncle randomly brought me once. And he was, because like, this is. Now what I'm saying it You just described a speakeasy Yeah I guess so I guess so It's not a speakeasy

You gotta like Go through a door It's just weird like Yo like down there It's like a maze Like there's like ways to get To like buildings streets away

Without ever going on to the street level Like it's it's very strange Yeah They made it for like You know like politicians Back in the day They'd be like John D Rockefeller

Doesn't want to get up to the street So he needs to walk Under this building Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean, wouldn't that be nice to be so successful one day that you could just, just like go down a secret tunnel?

I love secret tunnels. Oh, man. A secret tunnel would scare me because it's still a tunnel, dude. Like tunnels freak me out a little bit. If it was just like a short, I like a secret shortcuts. Like someone's house, you go and you pull a book and a door opens, love that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Love that.

Dude, that's one of the reasons why I love the 90s, Adams family movie. when they like go and there's like a slide or Casper dude when she sits in a chair Oh I love that! That's why listen Listen listen listen listen listen That movie is great That scene Every little kid at that time is just like

That's everything I want in life right there It like brushes her teeth and shit It like cracks an egg brushes teeth Wash his face blow dries Just does all the cool shit Yeah and you're like a little roller coaster the entire time I will say this I don't think I can say where it was because I will probably get in trouble.

When I worked at my old job, I went for a case that I had to work. I went underneath a building and the underground tunnel system is like crazy. Like back tunnels under and in places that you would never even imagine. Damn. Yeah. I want to do. I want to be in on the secret. There's cool secrets that you're not a part of.

I want to be like, I want to, yeah, I do want to be in on it. I feel FOMO now. You would have definitely, I know you say you wouldn't know, but you definitely would have joined a fraternity in college. There's nothing secretive. There's secrets. They call it the secret society. Bro, you're all right there and you're all idiots. No, no, no.

There's like different like meanings and stuff to things that like are secrets. That's not a secret to me. I mean, but it is by definition. It's a secret. All right. Well, you got to spank me in order for. for me to be in a mouth. See, see, that's why you're talking down. I was never spanked. I was never hazed or bullied. You know, there are people that were and I, I sympathize with those

people. But you could join those things and not have that awful stuff happening. And then you could be in on the secrets. Like, I know secrets that you don't know. Do you know, you, you, you, you don't know them. Right. So there's secrets. Cool. If I don't know them, how can I be excited about not knowing. Because I, I, I, I, you know that they exist, but you don't know what they are. Yeah, but they could be not worth me knowing. Like, there's like secrets, like the secrets are like the government. You know, like, you need to be okay with like, like, you know some secrets about the government. Personally, no, but I'm saying like there's like secret files and stuff, you know, lists that may or may not exist. So they say, what I don't even know what you're talking about.

Yeah, exactly. Who? What the hell? Jeffie, what happened? You know, like, you know, that guy was, that was, that was, It was totally fine. He was totally fine. There was no one on the list. That list he got convicted for and with. What the list? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't vaguely remember someone bringing it up, but I've never heard or seen one.

You guys believe that actual is a list of names? Wait, so you're going to tell me these people that may or may not have been documented as a hanging out with this evil person might have been on another list? Yeah, right, dude. I don't even know where you got that. What like you don't even you don't think for you know what you're brainwashed by the media and pull into believing that this thing that's obviously like makes sense to exist existed as soon as Trump was like forget about this stuff I went yeah why were we even worked up about it in the first place wait a minute wait a second he didn't even like what what list dude why did I even care about that Oh, that list that you said that he was going to expose?

It's a fake thing that never happened. Why would I even care? If you believe that, let me guess. You also don't believe that they were eating kids in pizza places, right? Come on. Yeah. Oh. It was a joke list.

Come on, guys. It was a comedy. Come on, guys. Who else doesn't run and get elected as leader of the free world on jokes? Come on. Oh, now. Now, now the solve... Take it easy.

Now the soft liberals don't like jokes. Oh my. See, this is why we say we can't joke around anymore. This is why people can't be ha ha-ha funny jokes. We've killed comedy. Comedy is dead. Elon said it. And he's so right.

And who knows better about comedy than Elon Musk. Elon Musk is the comedian of all the worlds. Comedy is dead. You know, like it's gone. So what? Anyway. So now Trump makes a joke and everyone. It's so serious.

What list? I stopped caring. How is it important, even? What could be on there that could expose anyone that we have elected or known of? Like what? So there was an island and maybe there was some foul play. So what? A couple of fellas.

Certain people in power went to hang out in the tropic. Okay, so what? Can't go on vacation? Oh, now vacation's illegal. Now we can't go on vacation. We got to donate all our money. We're not allowed to go on vacation anymore. Oh, okay.

So if I'm not donating half of my net worth, then I'm on this supposed list. That's what it is. Gotcha. Anyway, back to these secret tunnels that I love. There's a secret tunnel that I saw. That is just for air. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? But like, you want to talk about secrets?

Yeah. On the flight home from San Francisco, I watched National Treasure. Reignited my fucking love for that movie. You got me to steal that. Desheration of his penance. I forget that the, I forgot the plot of that movie where it's like, he's worried. It's a treasure hunt. No, no, no.

Like that part, obviously. But like, the whole point of why he's stealing it is because he knows someone else is going to try and seal it. So he's going to steal it in order to protect it. Yeah. Talk about layers of idiotity. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about? Yeah.

And... They're still dangerous on purse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it, like, leads to, like, secret treasure and gold and stuff like that, right? Yeah, dude, that shit is hard. Listen up. If I ever found out that there was treasure within, like, a one-mile radius of where I lived, I need a... I'm going with a spade shovel and I'm digging, dude.

Yeah. Because the idea of hitting Ding Yeah Ding ding and then unearthing Treasure now if it was treasure In like a tomb I'm only accepting treasure

If it's in a wooden crate That has chains around it And a big old timey padlocked And it's held by a skeleton And it's held by a skeleton And I can hit it off With the tip of the shovel Yeah

That's the only way I want treasure Me too And I also want to be edged by clues So like I want to think That I got the treasure like oh fuck another cool oh you open it up and it's just like yi i gotcha yeah and it's like damn i got to go now no i got to go north carolina and bring this thing with me and then i place it in the wall and it opens up another door oh you know what i'm saying shit like that like you have to like press a secret

button and then like the the like oh this any of these movies crazy national treasure uh Indiana jones when like a secret stone thing opens and you hear the like and you see like the sand falling. That's my ASMR, baby. Or say, like, press the button and then, like, there's just a cloud of dust, like, poosh, like airs in there now. It's like, fuck. I don't need Asian girls like...

Torches! Wait, what? Like, Asian girls like clinking their nails against a glass for, like, ASMR. I just need the sounds of Indiana Jones opening a stone sarcophagus. Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you let me finish there. Yeah, yeah. because I was very confused by that. I was like, who said you needed Asian girls? Also, torches, bro. There's Matt. Yo, listen, for all you torch horners out there, horny torch people, I'm in the club, National Treasurer's got some great torches.

Good torch work. Great torch work. Do they do the whole, like, they dip it in like a natural pool of gasoline? It's already got it on there. It's already light it. And he uses it to take down spider webs at one point. I'm like, I like that too. I do like that too.

I do like that too. I do like that. There was a movie I recently watched or saw a clip from, and it was like, the underground is like a sewer of like natural gas. It might have been an Indiana Jones movie now that I think about it. And you can't light a match. No, but like he lit a torch.

And kaboom? No, but like that was the, like, that was the mistake. It's like they were just like, oh, yeah. This would have kaboomed. This would have caboomed. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I want to see like old-timey padlocks that like need those keys that like clink in

when you like get in there. Also old-timey keys and locks. I like a big circular set of keys. I do like a circular set of keys. Moreover, what's better than the idea of a torch, I want to go through with like an old dusty lantern. I'm talking this thing. My heart would get tired.

I know, but like then you could just drop it a little and you could put it down and... That's true. Because when you investigate, you need to get as close as... What the fuck? Yeah. Oh, shit. This hasn't been open.

And there's always a booby trap Right before you get in. I heard, you know what's crazy? I heard booby traps were fake. I heard they were a product of the movies. Fake boobs? Like there were like Not like where you like step on something

And like poison darts shoot out across the walls and stuff like that. I heard that was all fake. There were like things that like led to like fake rooms and like mazes and stuff like that. Wait, you thought like the pyramids were filled with booby traps? yeah I mean I figured that was just the movie honestly oh really I thought that maybe there was some like

locks I heard that it was like there were no like booby traps like that but there were like just snake pits just like rooms and things that led to nowhere so like you would get lost and eventually die right because back then I imagine

their sense of direction was not great probably better than ours now definitely better than ours they like found out where to go by the stars yeah dude if I don't have GPS Yes, I can't get fucking two miles from my house. Turn left in 0.1 miles. Like, what's a 0.1?

Just tell me when and where. Yeah, tell me when I'm turning. I did believe, and I also believe, I'm not even going to lie to you. Most of what I currently believe about ancient Egypt came from the mummy. Which is also an underrated movie, and it's a good ride at Universal. Like a book that you need, like a lock thing to open up and turn it to open. So sick.

I mean, dude, you can just cut it. it is it was probably made with like leather from you know five thousand years ago but like the idea that I needed and it would like clink when you turn like I love that I don't like the bugs too many bugs there's a couple bugs there's a thousand bugs in this place we don't need it you would have hated the beetle I saw this morning you had a beetle we saw a beetle about like that big this morning yeah look at this bastard I took a picture of it where was it right in my front yard oh no

uh that sucks it was it was it was a it was a cool beetle yeah oh wow that's like a that's a beetle dude yeah that's like a

Jurassic one that's not the word um like a I don't know what word you're looking for it's like a prehistoric no it's by definition

not because it's a lot I wanted to say like a textbook like you only really see pictures of beetles like that it's a perfect it was a perfectly good beetle it's a good beetle it was a big one too a big

stuck upside down I had to help him over no I had to help him over his little legs was he kicking he's kicking can he fly he could but not when he's upside down because his shell oh you know we gotta get some beetles in here we don't day one day we should lock joey in his office and just release 10,000 locusts 10,000 locusts what are you the bible is he looking at me yeah i am looking at you looking at me hard yeah first You don't even know where to get one locust. Do you know how big a locust is? No.

That was a guess. That's not it. That's not it. They're big. That's not that. A locusts? Aren't they big? They're just grasshoppers. Aren't they? No. Locusts come from grasshoppers. Come from? Like the hell does that mean? Grasshoppers, when they get really angry, they turn into locusts.

Real? What kind of... Hold on. Hold on. Like, like, you're not going to like me when I'm angry. They grow big like the Hulk? Yeah. I'm not kidding. I'm 40% sure that's the fact.

40% is way too low. That's not even 50. To be on the basement yard. When they get mad, dude, they can't hold on. Grasshoppers don't turn into locust. There's that 60% working hard for us.

Yeah, dumb ass. Keep reading. Keep reading. But rather, certain grasshopper species exhibit a phase change when environmental conditions

trigger gregarious behavior. So they just decide they're going to be aggressive and they're like, I'm a locus now. See, that's what I'm saying. No, it causes them to swarm. Now the locusts are trans.

Oh, I bet the locusts are on this list. No, the locus aren't trans. The grasshoppers are trans. That's what I meant. But they get physical and behavioral shifts. They get angry and they turn into locust. So they like try to act. So a locus is just a state of mind.

Yeah. So it's not just like a physical thing. It's just like, you know what? I'm like going to be big locust energy today. no this is like when um so what this feels like is like locusts are like the real gangsters you know okay and then grasshoppers are like white kids from long island you know and then i kind of hear what you're saying like they try to like they get mad and they have the n-word and then they're like this is what they're doing that's kind of like that's exactly what it is but if they get

too mad then they become juggalo's and go to like insane clown posse concerts but they never get there there. To him, the insane clown posse, they used to have bangers yet. What? You were an ICP fan? I wasn't an ICP. You were a juggalo? My cousin was, he had a giant poster on the back of his door. That is one of the worst things I've heard about your family. That's bad. That by association is bad for everyone in your family. I'll take it. I mean, I mean like, I think it's funny. I like tweeted. I have my friends from college, Kelsey and Eric. We, we had these like insight.

Inside jokes, but I would always do that thing that I do to you. Where I'm just like, oh my God, you're a big fan of, like, you know, rioting and stuff like that. You know, just like to like get a ride out of people. And I one time tweeted at them that like, like, hey, you guys still big fans of the insane clown posse? And they both texted me and they were like, Francisco. They were like, they're technically a terrorist organization. You can't be spreading shit like on Twitter. Apparently.

I don't think it's actually true. Oh. But like, interesting. Maybe they were doing it back to you. scared you. They did. I was just like, oh shit, I'm sorry. It was a joke.

But, yeah, I didn't know that you're a juggalo adjacent. I don't, I mean, I'm not. I don't. I mean, it's like grasshoppers, frogs and toads, baby. Yeah. You know, you could be a juggalo. You just need a little bit of face paint, some baggy jeans, and a very specific hairstyle that can only be attributed to the early 2000s.

Yeah, that is true. You know, do you know the insane clown posse? Never heard of them. Never heard of them. Have you ever. Shaggy too dope? Is that his name? I don't know. That didn't jog the memory.

Have you... Have you ever, like, had a clown around? What is it? Like, at a birthday party? Like, you clown around? You've been around? I've seen a clown. Yeah, like...

Yeah. Or, like, you, like, interacted with him? I didn't hang out with him. He asked me to. Oh, that's a problem. Yeah, that's a... All right, hey, here guys. What do you mean he asks me to?

That's just... It happens sometimes. No, no, no, no, no. We need specific details. And it doesn't happen sometimes? It's important to know for your safety and the safety of any children that may be watching. I was curious about clown school and I asked too many questions and he started to like talk to me. Wait, where the hell did this happen?

Was that my cousin's birthday party? And you went up to the clown and you were like, what's school like? Yeah. I know clown school, apparently, it's like, I don't know if it's still this way, but I learned this from Stivo who went to clown school. It's like one of the hardest, if not the hardest school to get into in the country. clown school it was like more difficult to get into than like Harvard and Yale at the time

okay this is another one of those things that I don't believe just like the whispering hall or whatever the fuck that it was stevo from jackass right he went to clown school and I think like in like hindsight I've listened to his podcast

stevo got into a school that is harder to get into than Harvard and apparently like they let in less people and have more applicants. How many? What percentage of applicants do you think get accepted into clown school? Did you look at it? It's got to be.

I don't know the percentage, but from Steve-O and maybe, all right, I'm saying, I'm going to say, hold on, I'm saying, are we saying today? Because today might be a different standard. People aren't, you know, begging to get into clown school like they were in the early. Here we go. Here we go. All this, yeah. I would say 10%.

Okay. I'll even be nice. I'll say four. Two percent of applicants get accepted into clown school. And now look up what Ivy League school percentage applicants get in. In the writing here, it says it is less than Harvard. I fucking told you. Steve-o, you fucking did well for me again.

You didn't let me. down, buddy. Hell yeah. How many people are trying to be a clown? I mean, I don't know about today, but like back in the day, bro, the 80s, big time for clowns. John Wayne Gacy ruined clowns. That was what, the 70s? 80s, 70s? I mean, I don't know, but it was like, are clowns even making bread like that? I mean, I'm sure if you get into like a good, like, it's not like you then become a clown, but like you could be like you have clown skills and you could be just like a

ha ha he he guy at a show you go to the fucking box all the time there's no clowns there you never know next time you go to the box in between when people are like pissing thrown up and crapping on each other ask them if any of them went to clown school

okay while we're having fun do you want to guess the average salary of a circus clown oh $10,000 I'm going to say 42. It's in between 46 and 85 per year. They can get up there. Well, that's probably... They need eight plus years of experience to get up there. Bro. That's insane. That's what it says.

Eight years of clowning around to make 42? No, to make 85. To make 80... That's a great... I mean, I'm sure it is very physically demanding and, you know, they always say like, yeah, they're like... The clown cries, you know, like, there's like a famous story. Like there's like a sad clown or something like that. I don't remember what it's called. Pagliacci. This isn't jogging either of our memories here. Pagliacci, P-A-G-G-L-I-I.

What is that, an Italian clown? I think it's like a story of an Italian sad clown. And it's like, the moral of it is like he's the sad person or something like that. How does that even apply in this conversation? He's right. How does that apply? Oh, that part, I don't know. This is a great day to be frank.

I'm two for two so far. Why do you know so much about clown? And the whispering wind room or whatever it's called. I'm just like, it's like a story. Why'd you bring up the sad clown? Because I'm saying I'm sure that it is mentally and emotionally taxing on people to be a clown. Oh. So I'm sure like, yeah, like that 86,000 being a clown, you think like, oh, it's easy work.

But I'm sure that there is a level of weight that comes. with it that yeah you're a clown yeah but like I'm sure that there's more to it like no one ever asks a clown how they're doing or how their day is you know I mean we don't know that when's the last time you asked a clown how their day was I haven't even sniffed a clown

or seen a clown sniffing a clown as the standard there is kind of crazy I haven't been close enough to smell one I respect to clowns hats off to clowns I'm not you sound a little disrespectful to clowns Joe What did I say?

You're amazed at the amount of money they're making, which means you believe they're overpaid. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you spend eight years to make 40. You're flabbergasted. You're flabbergasted at the idea that clown college is the hardest school in the United States to get into. Yes, that is true. I am still flabbergasted by that. I mean, you know, it's an elite group of performers and entertainers that need skills that are outside.

of the realm of what the common folk can do. It's not just about flips. How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into? And you're only, you're capped at 80. Well, because clowns aren't what they used to be, Joey. So why would, why would people still want to be, like, go? Why would people still want to be clown? I mean, sometimes, sometimes the clowning calls you.

That's it. Sometimes, you know, people, there are some people, that clown around and then there were some people that were born a clown around. They've just been down with clowns. They've been down with the clown. And I'm sure the insane clown posse didn't do great for the image of clowns. I am positive. I can almost guarantee that Shaggy 2 Dobin, Janko jeans and face paint has negatively

affected the image of clowns in our country. John Wayne Gacy didn't help either. Certainly not. I don't think anyone has done more damage. to the clown community than him. I mean, bro, Bozo! Bozo was the guy.

It was like the clown. Bozo, the clown, was like the biggest clown in the world. Yeah. He's like an icon. Still very confusing. But what's confusing about it? You know, some people would call us clowns. Yeah.

But technically, we didn't get into this school, so they'd be wrong. Right. We are not documented clown. We're not doctor of clowns. You know, we don't have a bachelor's of clowning around. We have nothing. Well, I have degrees in some capacity. You have nothing.

Well, you don't have clown degrees. Some people would say I do. That's true. That is true. Well, we also have sponsors. Surprisingly, but how we're still getting ads at this point. We do have sponsors. We have stamps.com.

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to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement. Very nice, Joey. Good job with that ad read. You want to see me outdo it? Because I'm gonna, baby. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. It's big green frank over here,

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We're back on the tour. We're back on the road. We're having a ton of fun doing. in these shows. So if you haven't been able to pick up a ticket, there are still some available. We'll check it out at thebasemanyard.com. There's tickets available in select cities. And we'd love to see you to come hang out with any of us, you know, whether it be Hollywood, Florida, whether it be Vegas, whether it be Madison Square Garden. Okay, so you can see, you can find those tickets at the basemanyard.com. And while you're at it, sorry, I got to get rid of these animals.

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go check it out we love you we thank you and uh let's hope these animals are okay well i'm i don't really know how to follow that up uh but i would like to uh watch that video that we have queued up there's a video of a what is it it's like so i was scouring the internet and uh there is a video that came out i'm not going to to tell you the hook to the video. I'm just going to tell you that it was, I guess this is the, most of the hook. Someone crashed a wedding. Yeah. And got a hold of a microphone. Okay. And can we, can we pull this up? And things happened. I let this crazy woman attend my wedding and she crashed out. Just play it. Play it. It's a 58 seconds. By the way, I just got to say, crashed out.

kind of love it as terminology. It feels appropriate. Yeah. Ready? Just be ready to pause at any moment. Okay. Okay. You are so lucky.

You are the luckiest woman in the world. Dan is such a great guy. Well, I was just saying this is like getting a little crazy now. A woman could ever want. He's kind, generous, successful, gorgeous. He's got an incredible body. Oh, but they laughed. Okay, fine.

I just don't think like, oh, okay, ha, ha, ha. I would do anything to be you, Carolyn. No, really, I would. Because, Dan, you never even gave us a chance. You never even knew much for you. You still be making crab on daddy. Pause this? She told him how to, one, what the fuck?

And two, I told you how to make crab cakes? I mean, that's pretty cool crap cakes are great I mean how is that what you're benchmarking your love on

this is such an insane thing to do at a wedding by the way which I don't know if they do it anymore I don't think they do it anymore yeah someone speak now why are even doing this

well because I think it was probably like a thing back in like the medieval times where they were just like I throw down thy gauntlet to take her fight one on one for the wedding yeah like insane

yeah this woman is get her out of there All right. I'm Asian too. I'm Asian too? I'm Asian too. Yo, can I ask you a serious question? Is it about Asians?

No, we talked about them earlier with ASMR stuff. What would you do if your wedding like a crazy ex popped up and did something like that? Luckily, I do not have an ex that I think is an insane person. I know. I'm not saying like, and I'm not telling you to scour the fucking. fucking, you know, the, the annex of Xs that you have. I'm just saying like, scour the annex. I'm just saying, like, what is your reaction if something like this happens to you?

Speechless. Just. Yeah, like, if someone was like, no, like, why? I would be like, somebody shooter. With the real gun. The gun that was being aimed at those poor animals before? No, like a stunt. No, I mean, like, I honestly, like a real answer is like, I would be speechless.

I mean, I would have to get up and remove this person with the assistance of other people. I mean, I'm not going to like, if I look at you and I go, let's go. You're not coming with me and like, whose wedding is it? Mine. Oh, oh, it's your wedding. Yeah, or yours. I mean, I would hope that I don't have to get up at my own wedding to do this, like that someone would do something. Oh, so you'd look at me and you'd give me the look.

You'd go, Frank. Yeah. Like, if it was your wedding. Unleash that. If it was your wedding and one of your exes was like just showed up and started acting crazy like I'm ushering this girl out. You think so? Absolutely. Oh, I think well there would have my sister and some of her friends that would have been in my wedding might have had something to do with that first. Well, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I could see your sister going nuts there. I. God, my sister, bro. I can't even imagine because listen, regardless of what this situation is. God. that is so wildly uncomfortable for the for the bride if she was with the groom not only that

i mean everyone involved absolutely that would be just devastating but like if you're this person what are you hoping to get out of this that the dude's going to go right well i think you're you're you're obviously trying to put yourself in the mind of someone that has some form of a delusion so like, in their mind, they probably have convinced themselves that this is going to be like the thing that wins them back. Rom-coms have ruined so much of that because, like, people think like, if I show up when he's about to get on the plane with his girlfriend, he'll see me and just don't do that. People get into clown school before something like that actually happens.

There's a better chance of you getting into clowns school. Yeah, what's up, man? Do you have a question? Is it selfish of me to hope that this happens at a wedding? that you're attending? It's not. But I would like it to happen at a wedding too, but if I can pick who it happens to.

Okay. Because I don't want it to happen to someone that I, like, actually really care about. If I'm, like, at a fringe friend wedding, I'm awful. Oh, so like a, like an uncle's cousins getting married or something like that.

Not related by marriage. And you're just like, something needs to spice this up a little bit. Or selfishly, like, you know, like an in-laws wedding or, like a, you know, your partners, fucking their friends. Like, I don't. So, so someone tangently.

Yeah. Not, not my. Gotcha. Someone. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Okay. I'm going to add a layer to this that I think is going to make you lose your mind. Okay.

You know me. You know I'm all for a good joke. And sometimes those jokes fall flat. What would you do if I told you, that this was staged by the groom as a prank on his wife. Frankie. Is that what this is? Yeah.

So reportedly... Oh, you divorce that guy. You don't even finish the... You don't even... I mean, I guess the papers are probably signed at that point in time. If I'm her, if I'm the bride, I'd be like, are you a fucking idiotic? Why would you think this would go well?

Because here's the thing. I love pranks. Joey? Prank Frank. Pranky Frankie. I'm all about pranks. But this is ruining the night for everyone in her... Every single person.

Every single person in the bride's family. And it is so wildly selfish. You're the only one that gets something. You're the only one that thinks it's funny. Which... That is so dumb. That's what happened? No wonder.

There are rates of women just not having... relationships with men more than ever before. Bro, that is the dumbest. Like, what is the thought process of like, oh, it's a T. I'm just kidding. I hired her. Even if that person would have laughed immediately, the storm that is coming behind the scenes of just like,

what the fuck, like what in front of my family? Like, dude. And if, if I was at a wedding like this and the joke went well, I would stand up and be like, what's wrong with all of you morons? This is wrong and dumb. This is dumb. You're all idiots and I'm leaving. Like, that would be insane.

I think, like, now I'm putting myself in somebody else's shoes here. I'm going to put myself in the shoes of, this is my daughter getting married. Bro, I'm telling you right now, I'm getting a gun and I'm shooting that dude in the back of the head, front of the head, in front of his parents. My daughter's wedding, and he pulls a prank like this is I rip his suit off and the suit jacket. I meant like I'm roughing him up. I don't know where you're going. You said suit and suit is traditionally two pieces. I strip him naked.

I get his cock out and I say, how dare you? And I bat it around. All right. All right. Now you're going crazy now with the batting around. Oh, you know what? I'd be with you. I'd rip his suit off.

and I'd shoot him in the penis. What do you mean I'm with you? Like I was going to say that. I'm with you with the whole ripping the suit off. That where you go after the suit is ripped off, I can't be on board with because I don't know. I know that if this was my daughter, I'd let you rip the suit off because you really want to do that for some reason. Right. And then I'm pointing the gun at his penis and I'm shooting until it is dust.

What I'm finding interesting is that like everyone in the background's laughing. Like, did they know? It could be awkward laughing. That's what I would do the whole time. That is somehow? I would not. Just as bad. I would literally be like this.

If I was the bride and everyone else in the room knew but me, that's, oh, that's horrific. Right. That's so bad. I'm divorcing my family as well. Yeah. Just be like, all of you thought this would be a ha-ha-ha-he-a moment? No. Every single one of you take out your penises.

I'm going to shoot them. Yeah, we're all shooting everyone's penis off. We're going to shoot everyone's penis there. Get out of here. Yeah, it's too crazy. There's an argument if this is this guy's sense of humor. Nobody really likes him anyway. Yeah, the fact that you found a woman to marry you with this sense of humor is astonishing as it is.

I mean, that's exactly why you should play it safe and not do stuff like this because there's no way you find another. So just chill. You know who should get married? This guy and the guy that gave the speech where it's just like, The happiest I am is when the kids go to sleep and you start ball gagging on my fucking shaft. Yeah, yeah. Yo, and I saw another one like that. Bad?

Where a guy was like, I assume before the clip the woman gave her vows or whatever. And the guy goes, I can't wait to tap that whenever I won't. And just like laughs. And the priest is like, or the officiant's like, that's all you're going to say. And he's like, yep. And he's like, seriously, that's all you're going to say. And then they cheers with monster energy. And the guy was like, can you try and find that?

Oh, my God. It's like, I can tap that ass whenever I want or something like that. Tap that, first of all. Yeah, it ain't 1999, brother. Tap that ass is the craziest way. It's like this guy's favorite movie is Joe Dirt. And the guy. Second of all, if you want to get specific.

That's another good bad movie. It's whatever that person wants, not whenever you want, fucking Hillbilly Boy. It's like, I can tap that ass. Well, something like that. Is it something like that? Is it smack that ass? Oh, maybe it's that. Okay, I think I got it.

Maybe it's smack that ass, which is like still, I mean. And the, the fishing kept going like, for real. Like, you're not going to. And he's like, been right anything. That's what he says. He gave him how many chances did he give them? Like three. Too many.

Dude, insane. I wouldn't even, I would have cut them off. I could tap that. Stop. Yeah. Just say I do. And I would turn around and leave. I'd leave their papers on the altar.

Be like, find someone else to submit these because I'm not doing this. So bad. This is it. That's it. That's it. I promise to smack that. Oh, another white guy. Shocker. Well, you have to turn the volume on, brother. Right. I got you. All right, here we go. All right, here we go. I promise to smack it.

It's every chance I get. That's all I got. Are you sure? I didn't write nothing out. That's what you're going out with. That's what I'm going with. We've made it this long. And he goes, we've made it this long. Oh my god, cut his head off.

Cut it, cut it off. Cut it off. Dude. I'm letting you know right now. Guys, just stop. Just stop. Just stop. It's so easy.

It's so fucking easy. It's okay to say nice stuff to your wife. It's okay. It's not gay. It's not gay. It never was. It's so cool to be nice to your wife. You know, I have the greatest wife in the world.

You know how excited I get to love her and tell people how much I love her? That's all you gotta do. Say nice stuff. It's nice, you stupid asshole. Oh, I can't wait to tap, day it. Oh, my God. Who is that even for? I would, if I was his wife, the first time he smacked my ass, I'm crapping in his hands.

Are you fucking kidding me? This is so- Just be constantly shitting on his hands if he smacked my butt. Come in close, pulling close. Josh, you're close? It's so easy. Just stop. All you gotta do is those, those, those, those, what you're, you're close.

All you gotta do is those, those, those, those, you're, you're close. think is funny. Oh. Don't do that. Just buy a small filter and just filter them through there. It's crazy. That's all you got to do. I'm becoming Sebastian Mascount.

Slat that ass every chance I get. We should cut his hands off. The only ass he should be smacking is his pantsuits when they're on the ground and I shoot his penis off. Well, that's, we have ads. I forget. We have more ads and I don't even know. I think there should be a timeout clock or something for that. Timeout for the ad. We have Rocket money. Rocket money is an all-in-one personal finance app that's going to find and cancel on one subscription so that they can put money back in your pocket.

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You can't breathe or something? No, I'm just like astounded by that. I'm flabbergasted once again. What's the, like, I mean, I think we actually recently spoke by this, so never mind. But, aunt, what would you do if you saw this at a wedding? If it's your wedding. Like, I'm getting married? Yeah.

I'd hope someone stepped in way earlier. Also, the fact that someone gave her a mic is confusing, but now I know it was a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have stopped right away, I think. So that means several people were in on it. well the moron fucking husband was so he kind of calls the shots there

you just need him to be in it on it yeah if the bride or groom wants something they usually get it oh my god I like that is bro run that idea by literally one person and they're gonna tell you like

hey hey hey don't unless this is like one of those like TikTok couples that like prank each other you know what I'm talking about where it's like where you know the one where like the girl walks in

and he like perfectly shoots a dart at like a milk balloon above the door. You know what is that? Dude, is that shaving cream? Is it milk? Is it? Whatever it is. It's no way. It's real.

Come on, guys. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Come on. Come on, everybody. Like, we're not. Who do you think we are? Yeah.

This is the king of the internet, dude. This guy knows everything that happens on there. Everything. Well, I've never accessed the dark web. Meaning, I don't even want to say the word because it scares me. Dark web? Yeah. Why?

It's scary to me. Why? You don't want to buy it like a kidney? No. I mean either. No, I don't. I don't want to either, dude. That's a very easy and obvious answer there.

I don't want to buy a kidney. How would you even go about finding that? I don't know. How many people you think just Google it and then you Google dark? Where's the dark web? Where is it? How do I get there? How do I get to the deep dark website?

How do I get there so I can prove that this list never existed? Oh my God. Do your own research. Yeah, no, I've never accessed the dark web, never done anything like that. Did you see that liquid death has a flavor coming out that is fruity pebble milk flavor? Water? I mean, I don't know how good that sounds. Milk water?

I don't think it's like milk, but I think I looked it up the other day. It's fruity. Here, back with a bizarre beverage this time they've taken breakfast, the canned water brand, partnering with fruity pebbles to launch a new sparkling water that tastes like cereal and milk combo um i would try it but it sounds like it'll be rough listen it's not liking it listen to me right now once the last time you had fruity pebbles and you just swam amongst the pebbles i had them like eight months ago very specific why why are you so uh was it like a christmas time yeah you have christmas pebbles no it was just

the regular ones. But I did have them. I thought the timeline was going to be way longer, so that's impressive to me. Yeah, I think it might have been longer for me. It might have been a couple years. Well, I mean, I don't, I haven't eaten cereal in a very long time, but then I was like, fuck it, let's get some fucking fruity pebbles. Hell yeah. And then I ate it every day for like three days in the locks.

I'm kind of excited for when they take all those like unnatural dyes out of the food so I can then just get back into fruity pebbles. I don't think it'll still be good though. Oh, I'm sure, though. I'm not worried about the sugar. I'm worried about the like red 40 Yeah, that stuff's not great Because I know if I bring it into the house

I'm going to have it And then if I'm going to have it My kids are going to have it And I can't give them Right What could potentially be poison Right You know, I got to be responsible

So maybe I'll like closet You know how like people closet smoke Cigarettes in their house You're going to closet eat Foothy Pibbles Bingo You could just wait until they go to sleep And then just get a little bit of it

I'm normally tired by the time they're in sleep. What time do they usually go to sleep? Children. Mave is between 7 and 7.30, but once that sun starts setting earlier, she's going, she's 6.6.30. She's getting spiked into bed.

I'll tell you that. Like that mouse. Yeah. Ruby, honestly, I'm not even kidding. It has to do with the time of the year. During the winter, when the sun sets at like 4.30, they're ready for bed at like 6.30. Uh-huh.

Ruby's a little later now. She's in bed by like 830 now, but like, again, What about Miles? What time did I go to sleep back then? During the school year, his bedtime was, like, he had to start, like, brushing his teeth at, like, 815, and he's in bed by, like, 845. Okay. And, but he's, honestly, he's the toughest one to get to bed. Because, like, Mave, we put it into bed, shut the door, good night, she stays there.

Ruby, she sits there, she reads, she keeps her light on, she turns it off, puts herself to sleep. It's cutest thing in the world. Miles? I just wanted to come out and talk to you guys. I just wanted to, oh my God, I'm so hungry. Literally? He just wants to chill. Yeah, and it's cute, and I know I'll miss it one day, but like, I'll be in bed, like, dozing off.

Or Beck and I will be watching something. And he'll be like, Kiki, can you, can you go make me like a pizza bagel? And I'm like, dude, it's nine o'clock. Like, I'm not going to go and make you a full meal. You're like, all right, I'll just have a waffle. I'm like, dude, what? Yeah. But can't.

Yeah. It's an art getting kids to sleep. An art. It's a dance. Yeah. Oh, Santa gets thrown out a lot. You know? Oh, once you start getting there.

Santa's watching, guys. No, even during the summer. Even during the summer, yeah. You really want Santa to find out. You know, okay, I'm going to call him. You know, I'll give him a ring. I'll give him a buzz. Santa's the ultimate tool.

It's a good one, you know. Not to get to Christmas in July, but elf on a shelf. Do you guys use that? I mean, I don't have children, but... The elf started appearing two years ago, and let me tell you, whoever called him... Becca? Yeah.

We bit off a little more than we could chew. Why? Like, now it's like a full-time job. So, like, every night it's supposed to do something creative. And, like, Becca's very creative. She's very good at that stuff. She... She...

The elf brought, like, little, like, trinkets and stuff. So, like, she... But, like... she'll be in bed and she'll be like, oh my God, I forgot the elf. And I'll be like, I got it.

And I go out there and I just stand there like this for 20 minutes. You don't know what to do. What do I do? Yeah. So every now and then I'll just like, throw him in like a cereal box. Yeah. And be like,

he's eating cereal. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You know? Oh my God. And Becca will do one where he like made a slide out of toilet paper. And mine, he's just like hanging out at the front door.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you got to have some balance. Because if they're all insane, It's like, what? It's a lot, dude. It's a lot. Creating magic for your kids is really difficult.

I don't consider myself a hero, but if anyone decided to call me one. Anyone. Anyone at all? Anyone. I've seen crazy ones on TikTok where it's like, look at this hell. I've taken a dump. And I'm like, what is this? Yeah, there were ones that, uh, or it was on like a wire or something.

Becca did that one where he was zip lining through the house. Yeah, that's what it was. And with like clothes, pins. There was another one that she did. Oh, she set up like a date night with a Barbie and the elf on the shelf. Damn. Yeah. That's cool.

My mom would continuously move him every day closer to my little brother's room. And eventually when it got close enough, he just started to cry every night because he didn't want it. He didn't want it to get any closer. Yeah. That's terrifying. Isn't there a rule? Like, you can't look at it in the eyes or something? I think that's Medusa.

Yeah, no, isn't there something, though? Not that I know of. You're not supposed to touch it. Yes. Oh, oh, oh. If you touch it. That's what it is. Yeah, if you touch it, like, loses its magic and it can't.

Because the idea is that every night it goes to report back to the North Pole and then comes back. And if you touch it, it loses its magic. But, like, there have been, like, accidents where, like, one of us had touched it. And Miles is like, I heard if you put cinnamon on it, it brings the magic back. so like I'll get home and there'll be just like a cinnamon freaking chalk outline of this elf on the shelf on the floor that fell on the floor like

damn my mom put a picture of my little my youngest brother with it and said I love you like Gio that's terrifying looking back it was very scary actually you fucking better not I'm watching you yeah I wrote a letter to

Santa once when I was younger and my mom wrote me the letter back and she has like unbelievable handwriting and it was from someone named jingles an elf named jingles duh and i was like oh my fucking god bro and then i wrote another letter to jingles and the next letter my mom wrote was like oh i'm busy i can't keep writing letters right enough she realized that like i'm just going to pen pal this fucking elf every day your mom just totally just like fucking ghosted you as this fucking jingles. As an elf, yeah. It's just like, hi, I'm, it's me.

Jingles, I love breaking your Christmas joy. Oh my God, jingles. I love you. All right, take it the fuck easy. It was literally like, the next letter was like, all right, I'm so busy at the factory. Can't ride back ever again. Be good. All right, listen, I got work tomorrow.

So like, we'll talk in a couple days. I'll hit you up. I can't spend the night. I have work really early in the morning. So I'll call you. Listen, that was a really cool first date. But honestly, like, let's just wait to talk again. Yeah.

So it was basically like that. Yeah. Oh, we're big into, you know, we're a big Santa House. Yo, once, one Christmas, when I was very young, I was like, I got to know if this shit is real or not. So my parents put me to sleep and I just waited. And what I felt like was long enough that they would be like, if it was that, they'd be putting the presents there or whatever. you know so then i woke up and i just sprinted down the stairs and my mom's just sitting on the couch it's probably like 40 minutes i'll mind you like i'm a child so it's probably like 845

and she was just like what and i'm like holy shit it's real like that's what like that's what did it for me when i i almost so when it was just miles beck and i he was maybe three and a half at the time they were out like she had gone to pick him up and i was at our apartment and i was you know, kind of getting something ready for Christmas. But they pulled up and she couldn't like buy time. So I like set the thing up really quick. But I was going to like leave and make it look like I came back. So I just sprinkled powdered sugar on me and fell on the floor.

And they were like, what happened? And I was just like, what? I think Santa hit me with magic dust and put me to sleep. And to this day, to this day. he brings it up. Wait, why did you do that again? I couldn't, because like the play, I forgot the exact reasoning,

but the idea was like, oh, I just need to make it look like, please don't clip this, because if this is how my child finds out, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to fucking let you take my pants off and shoot me in a pants. No, no, no, no.

Wait, so why did you do that originally? Just like, I didn't have time to, like, get out of there or like make it look like it was like really like properly staged by Santa. So I was like, let me just. Oh, because they were coming home. Because they were coming home. So I was just like, I sprinkled some on me and I fell to the ground.

And I was like, you know, like cartoon. So when they open the door, you were on the ground? Yeah. And they, and then- Did you tell Becca you were doing this? Afterwards, she was just like, quick thinking. Or I might have told her like as they were pulling up because she was just like, I can't buy time anymore.

He needs to get inside. And I was just like, all right, just go with the flow. Or like, I'm going to be like pretend, you know, just leading her to the river. Yeah. And then he came in and I was just like, and he brings it up to this day. He's like, do you remember when Santa used sleep powder on you? And I'm like, I don't remember because I was asleep. I would have never thought of that. Yeah. You get, dude, it's kind of fun how creative you get with these kids. Yeah. You know, oh my God. And they're so gullible. My God, I'm going to get creative with it. Dude, it almost brought me to tears the first time. Because like those first like two years, the kids don't really get it. Yeah. Yeah. But like last Christmas. when Ruby like and fucking sprinted outside

oh my sprinted outside yeah like into the front yard why she heard jingle bells and saw a light moving in the sky and was like it's Santa what are you referring to

well on Christmas Eve Santa we the kids have to go to sleep because Santa's on his way yeah we had the Santa tracker up and When they're in bed and they're like getting ready to go to sleep. Oh, you have it like, oh, he's over Albany. No, you can hear the sleigh bells and you can hear, you know, ho, ho, ho.

Uh-huh. We're like, he's here. You got to get to sleep. You did that? Every year. That's awesome. Every year. Oh, you, they wait until they can hear them?

How can they hear them? No. Because what I... Is this you running... Kids go away! Is this you running around the house? So I'll either... So I used to run...

So the way our setup used to be is I used to run outside. And I used to, with a big bell, do it myself. Yo, as loud as you could be, I used to do it. It's like, fucking, yeah, of course. And then I would sneak back in and be like, I was in the bathroom. What happened? And now what I do is I put, at our old house, I put it in the attic. And then I did one year where it was outside.

But I put a Bluetooth speaker. Oh. And I play, I'll be like standing in the doorway and I'll play it on my phone. And it's like, oh, oh, oh, Mary!

And their, yo, their face, if I could bottle that, if I could take a picture of their face, their faces,

give it to whomever scientists could turn that into a drug. I would be the biggest Coke head on the planet. Yeah. Because it is, why the confusion?

I thought you were going to name it a different drug. He just went to Coke. I was like, oh, he's like, it's not that he would do that drug.

He's like, I would just do Coke. That's what I said I would do that drug If that was my cocaine Wow You'll be there both for you one day

If you guys choose And are lucky enough To have children Are they they They uh They um So they hear it every year And then they run to bed

They're in bed already And then they run to the front And they look outside And I'm like guys come on quick We gotta get inside And they fucking run And stumble in bed It's adorable

Damn that's awesome Love that You are a hero That's great He did it I'll give it to you He did it. I'll give it to you.

You are one. Way to go. Thanks, buddy. Way to go. Way to go. Where to go, champ. Where to go, buddy. Good job, sport.

Yeah, no, that's amazing. So back to what I was saying. You trying this liquid death water? Uh-oh. Yeah, I would try it. Let's get a case in here. I'll try the hell. Yo, hit up liquid death.

Him up. Yo. Hit them off. Hit them off. Lempiscuit. Did you notice, by the way, at the hard rock, they had in a glass case, one of his hats. No.

Oh, did they? I'll get a picture of it. Damn, that would have been a sick thing to see. Yeah. Put your hands off! They also had just, like, people's pajamas. Like, I left the elevator, and it was like, this is Elvis's pajamas.

And Frank Sinatra's pajamas. I'm like, why are the pajamas? I saw, like, Tommy Lee's shoes and Miley Cyrus's shirt. I saw Nikki Minaj's, like, butt, boostier, or what's it called? Corset? That's it. Like, I think I saw, like, what's his name?

Kurt Cobain was in like a cheerleading costume. That was there. Interesting. I'm getting hungry. What was that transition? Because where that outfit was right next to where the food was served. Kirk Cobain in a cheerleading costume, I am starving. Well, there you have it, folks.

We must go. No, we know. We mustn't. We must. Must? Must. Yeah. Must.

Must. Must. but Frank where can they find you the Frank Alper is all over social media go check out the basement yard out in Patreon Patreon.com slash the basement yard if you haven't and you want to try to get tickets to any of our upcoming shows that are still available

go to the basementyard.com Hollywood, Florida got some left, Vegas there's some left scattered places go check it out at the basement yard.com thank you for all the love and support we've been getting and if you're coming to any of the shows the basemanyard.com slash submit. Yep, and you guys follow me out, Joe SantaGuard.

and go follow the show at the basement yard and everything and that is all see you guys next time