The Basement Yard - #555 - Hobby Horsing Around

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

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Welcome back to the basement yard. Frank, how's it going? I'm doing well, thank you. We're here. We're joined by someone in witness protection. Yeah, who are you hiding from? What the fuck are you doing? Siding sunglasses indoors. Is everything okay? I mean, you do that sometimes too, so don't point that finger too much. Yeah, but I do it when I get back from Europe. You recently did it. Did I? What do you mean? Did I do it? Oh, do you like go to Europe in your mind and your home?

No. Maybe. I mean, yeah, I'm sure I do. What's the most Europe thing you brought back with you for all the time? you went to Europe. Linen. Oh, just a lot of linens. Yeah, I'm about that, honestly. I'm not going to argue about it. A lot of linen.

I'm really into soccer right now. That is a big European thing. I'm very in it now. I have an espresso machine, so I have espresso. Do you? Yeah, I'm like. You need to become one of those, like, people are really get into Apparel spritzes, too.

Oh, that you could do without those. You need to become one of those people that does, like, the, like, espresso routine, where they, like, measure the beans and they spray them and then they do them. us, us, us. Bro, when people, sometimes people make a coffee on the internet and it looks very involved. Like, it seems like it's probably worth it. But I'm like, man, how long does this take? Especially with filming all of it.

I'm like, bro. I mean, I get it. I think I've openly said this before because, you know, like the making of certain teas can take a little longer than possible, you know, the normal too. Because like you have to warm it up, then you dump it out, and then you put the dry leaves in, then you smell it, and then you shake it. it's about just like doing something for yourself. Like it's a just, it's, what the hell do you think this is? How comfortable are you getting? Look what you did.

Look what you did to him now. Sorry. Are we boring you, sir? Also, you're drinking a brisk iced tea? What is it, 1998 and it's recess? God, I wish it was. I do too. Those are great.

Those are good. Really good. But you're not allowed. You're not getting away with it. Frankie was just going on about teas and I just got thirsty. Do you see, you know, like people believe the respect is dwind. clearly they think that like I was like bullying you you guys don't see when these cameras are off and is such a look at them your fucking father's gonna hear about this way to your dad hears about this

the legitimate lack of respect I might have a smile on but watch this I smiled again my bad what were you talking about uh I don't know I could have been the most important thing in the world but fucking yeah yeah the nestie ice man over there needed to brist I do like a good brisk If I had a two liter of it I could literally just keep drinking Do they make two liters of brisk? They did

I know they did because I had The only iced tea we used to have in our house You know this was a Sissips Sips. Sips ice tea You know Sissips? They had money That's why

Yeah They don't have that shit Sips was like on sale always Like a Lipton It was like no it came in a carton A carton of iced tea It was like milk It was like it looks

looked like the carton looked like milk. But it was iced tea and they were like a dollar a carton and that's why my mom would get them. What color was the carton? Black. It was like, I do know that one. It was like black and like there was like brown and yellow mixed in there at some points. You know, can you pull up this Sips Ice Tea carton? I want to see how they're doing.

When I see this, I just. No, no, no, no. Sus Sips. Sips. Sips. Are you listening to the Sips? There is she is. Yeah.

Oh, what a beaut. That first one. That first one. That was, I probably drank more of that than water in my time. In my lunchbox, I would have these little The gray ones. Get out of here. He would have in his lunch box. You know what my lunch was? Whatever the fucking old lady had lunch was

slopping on my plate that day. That's true. You know? That was our lunch growing up. Old women hated lunch. I thought they loved lunch. They loved just throw it. And I'll be honest with you. I'll be really honest with you. In my old age, I've learned to love it. If I was to ladle something and I could slap it on someone's plate,

I would. what did they use to ladle onto our shit? Oh, like a... Ravioli, yeah. Fucking sloppy joes. Yeah. You know, but like... Even that little fucking medley of like broccoli and some other shit and water.

It was... It looked like it was just steamed vegetables. That's it. There's nothing else to it. There was a lot of water, though. A lot. It was basically like... It would be melting the plastic of my fucking little plate.

Yeah, it really went. But like, have you ever, like, just taken mud and just thrown it and watch it like... Throne mud and watch it shit on the sidewalk? Yeah. probably it's so good being dirty in mud is fire like i would like that's one thing that like rednecks have gotten right like going out with your buddies and getting in a truck and really getting it stuck into mud and going mudding with your mudd i saw something recently i don't know who he is but there's a guy he does like comedy stuff on ticot and he just has a fat ass do you know who i'm talking about

yeah yeah yeah he's got a giant fucking butt but he does like mad athletic shit he does like he'll be like but he's got a fat ass he'll do it back full of you're back full of but he's just got a fucking giant ass. Yeah, it's like, look this guy doing a backflop, which is cool. But then he's got a fat ass and you're like, hold on. Dude, like, and like, I'm not, I'm not gay, but like, this guy's ass is fucking huge. Yeah. You know?

Are you prefacing that because it gets you going? No. Why'd you have to distinguish that in the first place? We know he has a fat ass. I just, I want, like, I'm not like just, like, what I was going to mention and, like, point out was that, like, you can't help a look at this dude's giant fucking fat ass. I can't take my eyes off that fat ass. And then he's going in, like, recently was that. that like a rave in a mud pit in hell yeah in Florida do you know who I'm talking about I know

he looks like you know that fucking ass he's got a mustache he's got a mustache and he wears like a brown jumpsuit he's got khaki shorts and there's just ass shoved into it dude and it was like him at like a rave in the mud in Florida with his fat ass with me with his fat ass I'm pants his fat ass I have a feeling it's not real yeah it's got to be fake it's got to be a fake fat ass unless he got a BBL which I respect I don't feel any way about it, but, you know, all the power to them. I would go in the mud and just get dirty. Just get muddy, boy.

Get muddy. You know what my new obsession is on TikTok? I've stumbled down this rabbit hole before, but I recently just stumbled back into the rabbit hole of watching, like I'm obsessed with watching like pool boys do their thing. Let me reword that. Let me reword that a different, let me, you know what? Let's strike that from the record.

I got it, I got it. I'll tee you. Get rid of that. I'll tee up. then you, all right, I got you. So Joe, I know you've been watching a lot of pool boy videos. You think that's better. No, but like, you know, and like, I don't know what to call them because to me, they're pool boys.

Pool. People who clean pools. Pool people. But dudes who, like, they get a pool and it's all fucked. It's like a swamp. It's like Shrek lives there. And then they're like, oh, I got a shock it. And they're like, stipping, they're dipping shit.

And they're like, the pH is off. And they're throwing those pellets in and shit like that. And then they got like a bag on the side. And then he cuts it open. It's like, ah. Yes. And it goes in, he like,

bro, this shit is about to be clean. I have never slit the throat of a bag, but I would love to have a bag and hold the top of it. And it's like, God. Yeah.

And just fucking let it rip. He hold it at the top, he'd take the knife, he's going, yeah, yeah, exactly. Right through. Dude, I'd make a different noise,

but yes. What noise would you make? Not that one. Yeah, that one sucked. Oh! That's a good. All right.

That was better. Top three noises you would make if you were to slit the throat of a bag of salt. Fuck you That's what I would say The first one would be an angry one Yeah like I would like This is you know

I like how you're also holding the forehead of the bag too You gotta You gotta hold it in place I'm sorry Yeah yeah well I ask you make me fucking do this Oh that was a that was an intense That was also slow which is bad You gotta go quick

Yeah you got that I've ever cut anyone's head off before Or alright so the first one was Fuck you You made me do this And what's the third one Are you going with a classic like, I'm so sorry. He is. He said that.

I'm sorry. I think I know that I would do that. I think I'd do the like, and like the blood's like getting on your face. Yeah. Whatever. I don't care. And you're just holding them as they're like, bro, I can tell you this right now. It is. It is. It's terrible. I can tell this right now if I was cutting someone's head off. Right. If I happen to find myself in a situation where I have to for some reason. Nothing else to do but cut a head off. Right. So. I could be the angriest I've ever been in my life, which I would be. I'm decapitating a person.

This is getting demonetized. And I did get any sort of blood on me. Oh, you would be, I'd be like, I'd be so angry. Which is so interesting because you're good to go in mud, but you're not good with the blood. You think just because they rhyme, they rhyme, they're the same thing? No, no, no, no, but like. Blood is so different than mud. I mean, blood can carry, you know, like disease and pathogens and shit like that.

But like, I'm almost more afraid of whatever bacteria is in the mud than in the blood. It's just dirt. No? You think that it's just a sterile thing of mud? Mud, you can't sterilize mud. You would rather. Let me ask you a question. Would you rather dump a pint of blood on your head or a pint of mud?

Mud. But if I'm going to swim in it, I think there's an argument to be made that I'm more worried about the mud than the mud. blood. That is so... I mean, don't get me wrong. The blood would be gross. This is... We have ultra demonetized this video. We're going to be paying... A bowl of blood that was... We're going to be paying. What? We're going to be paying. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, like, I get, I get why blood is gross. I'm not sitting there. I'm not like one of those people that like sees blood. They're just like, ugh. Me neither. I don't do that. But like, there's an argument to be made that I would be more concerned about the mud's bacteria than the blood's bacteria.

Have you ever gotten blood on you that you didn't know where it was from? Like it was someone else's blood? I've gotten somebody else's blood on me before, yes. Do you know who you knew who they were? Yeah. Oh, that's fine. I mean, no, no, because I don't have a problem with that. Like, if I got your blood on me.

So you'll be, you're cool with my blood. I'm like, I'm not cool with it. I, like, I wouldn't like it. I'd be like, bro. And I'd like fucking wash my arm a lot. But. And you'd go to a lot. lot of doctors. I could tell you, no, I probably wouldn't do that. But if I got, this happened to me one

time where I went to the gym and I got home and I don't know how this happened, dude, but then I, like, or maybe I didn't get home. I was like in the locker room after my workout. And I look at my hand and there was blood on my hand, but I didn't have any cuts. So someone must have like ripped one of their, like, calluses or something. And they started bleeding on something. And then I touched it. I'll tell you what. Long day. Definitely traumatized the boy a bit. Long. day. I was in the fucking sink, like going crazy on my hands. Oh, have you seen weapons yet? No. Oh, there's a part in weapons that might get you. I mean, it's not as much blood, but like the guy like puts his hand in someone's pocket and fully gets pricked with a needle. I can't even think about that. Like that would be bad. I knew someone that that happened to.

They used to with a needle? Yeah, so they used to work at the, I think it was the House of Blues in Boston. And, they had like talent there and they like the talent said like can you go get something for me in my bag or something like that and they put their hand in the bag and they got pricked by a needle oh no no no and uh i remember speaking with her and uh she was like i'm on a cocktail like yeah it's like six pills three times a day for like six months i love how they call it a cocktail yeah don't they're trying to put all these these pills in a pina colada what it's this well first of all yeah i'll go out of my way to get sick for a I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you this. Why don't they make them in cocktail form? Like legitimate cocktail form? What if, like, hear me out. Seriously, if it was like, all right, I know I need to take my Tylenol. And you could get like the regular Tylenol pills, Tylenol extra strength, Tylenol liquid gels, Tylenol Pina colada. Or a Tylenol Margarita.

But like there's no alcohol in it. Wait, hold on. No, well, then that's where we draw the line. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, that's being incredibly irresponsible. Yeah. But like, if it were just like margarita-flavored drink, but there's just liquid Tylenol in it instead of alcohol. What's worse?

Having to, like, if you're taking pills with an actual margarita that has alcohol in it, or if you own something that makes drinks taste like a margarita, but there's no alcohol in it. But you just like the taste of a marg. You asked the question saying, what's worse? And I'll be honest with you, I didn't see anything in your description that made either significantly worse. They're the same? No, no, no, no. The taking the medicine with alcohol is the worst option. Let's make that very, very clear. I feel like I may have done that in my life. I'm sure we all have accidentally taken an Advil at six and then an eight had a drink.

Oh, no, I'm talking about washed the pill down. Oh, that's not good. When you're hung over, you just grind a little Advil into the beer, hair of the dog. First of all, that is a disgusting thing that you just say. That's a legitimate thing I'm concerned about after you said that. Like, that sounds dangerous. You don't like that, huh? You do? Oh, no, I hate you. You want to hear your employee as a fucking...

Don't do that. Pill pauper? I don't like beer. It's a Tylenol. It's still a pill. You're not a pill popper for taking Tylenol. I mean, I'm sure people abuse Tylenol and acetaminophen as a fucking drug.

That's what it's called. He's dropping real names on you. I think he called you super feminine, I think. I did not do that. I did not. But if you were, cool. Yeah, I think that would be like a good way do it. Wait a sec. Pull boys.

Yeah. So you're obsessed with like just like these like young men shirtless working on pools. You can't even see the men. They are indeed men, but they, they are wearing like a GoPro on their forehead, which I always wonder how that looks when you're like going up to someone's house and you're wearing like a GoPro in your chest or your forehead. But then they just like film, you know, they've slid open these bags and all the stuff pours in and then they're doing all whatever and they're putting other stuff.

I'm like, I fucking love this, dude. Your favorite part of the year, if and when you have a house and if and when it has a pool, your favorite part of the year will be opening that pool because you're going to see if there's little dirt and grime in there and then you clean it out. I don't like, I don't like looking at it. I don't like looking at the gunk in a pool. I love. Did I ever tell you about my dad? Don't talk.

My dad, I already know where he was going. My dad, so I had a small pool growing up in my backyard. No one in my whole neighborhood had a pool. We shouldn't have had one. We didn't have the space for it. To be honest with you, it was more of a bath that it was a pool. It was cool, though we had a good time in it. You could touch every side of it like this.

Like, that's how big it was. But we had a good time in it for sure. But when we opened it one time, it was just like fucked. Like it's grain. It's disgusting. And my dad's like, I'm going to create a siphon. So he cuts a hose, right? Just like a piece of hose like this.

And he puts it. And it's a real thing that you can do, but you put one hose in the fucking pool, and then you have to, like, suck the other end, and then for whatever reason, the suction, because of the thing that's like facing down, it will just empty the pool. So my dad's doing this with a biohazard pool

filled with green shit. And he's just going, and he's going, oh, that was close. Oh, God. But then, like, so I'm thinking about, like, what are the fumes that he's inhaled? right now, man. It was possibly like petri dish levels of bacteria. Bro, the fact that he's alive is outrageous.

Like, it's like a thing on the internet. Like, be afraid of still water. This dude was... Risa's knows a thing or two about great combinations. Chocolate and peanut butter, obviously. But there's more than one way to Rises. From indulgent Riesces Big Cups with caramel to crunchy Reese's pieces and Riesce's miniatures, there's a delicious Rises for every mood. It's the same.

combo you love, just with more ways to enjoy it. So, whether you're snacking, sharing, or just treating yourself, nothing else is Reese's. Actively trying to get it in his mouth, basically. That's crazy. I don't think there's a disease on Earth that case. They would turn the other way if they got to his body. That's, so he would, that's how he would drain your pool? Yeah, and he would do it and eventually, like, and it takes a few tries. Because you're not going to get on the first try. You're not the best siphoner in the world. But he would do it, and it would hit his lips, and he'd immediately vomit everywhere.

I knew people that did that with gasoline. Yeah, they do it with gasoline. They do it with gasoline. And they'd steal it out of people's things. Well, I saw it at the lake when they were like winterize, like, boats and jet skis and stuff like that. They would have to siphon out the gasoline because gasoline only go, it's good for like three months. Gasoline probably tastes good. Do you think like, get in your mouth would probably be like not the coolest. But like for a second, it'd be like, I don't know.

It's one of those things that probably smells better than it tastes. Should I get some? No? No? I'm not one of those people that's just like, oh, I smell of gasoline. Really? I am. I am definitely not. You like markers?

Who doesn't like a good marker? Thank you. Who doesn't like a good marker? I like something that, like, I don't like. You know what I mean? Like, I like smells that I don't like. It could be like, ew. That's what I mean.

Like, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I like my own stench. Yeah, you like, I like my own stink and my own funk. Sometimes when you smell something and it, fucking stinks, but you're also like, oh, it stinks. Yeah, like, and then you're proud of it. If no one's around, you won't even say a word, but if other people are like, yo, I fucking stinks, but then you're like, and I'm not talking like, you know, like the, like, sniffing your own farts. I'm talking like, sniffing. I'm talking like, when you go to the gym and you come home and

you smell like, fuck it, absolute shit. Yeah. And you're just like, oh, that means like, like, I work hard. But like, yeah, I'm proud of what I've done to give me this odor. Right. Yeah. know so I said that I'm with you there that's why I said that in high school I used to like my my football bag I would open it and it would stink oh I like there's almost something better like I don't like a lingering stink I like when like he's winding it up I don't like a lingering stink I like when it just like out of nowhere just like bang it hits you like when we used to go Elmjack where we played little league oh you could be at the entrance of Elmjack and it doesn't smell the moment you step

in the gate, like on the property, you get hit with just fucking butt, dude. Yeah, the lowest of tides. And, like, it stinks, but, like, there's a party that's just like, I fucking love this. Oh, yes. Well, I think if I could break it down from a scientific standpoint, I think the reason we enjoy good stinks is because we also have bad stinks. So, like, if there was not, if you never grew up smelling good stinks, then you just smell bad stinks.

Those are your good stinks. Am I making sense there? So like say you never, say you live in a dump stir. Yeah. Your whole life. You like the bad. You grow and like, that's home. My home is dumpster and shit.

Yeah, but I love the smell of horse shit, but I didn't grow up around horses. Love is crazy, but I do like that. I love horse and cow shit smell. And is it, is it just the shit or is it also the shit mixed with the hay? It's also, it's the shit, the hay Because it reminds me of a field trip Bro, horses smell too Like horses and big farm animals, they have a scent

Yeah, alpacas smell like shit Dude, I like it though Stinky but fucking perfect for their brand Would you kiss a centaur? A woman? Sure Where are you? Oh, a woman centaur

Yeah, I thought, okay I don't know Would I do it? Yeah, why not? I know, it's mythical But centaur is centaur is the one one that has the horse back.

The fat ass. Minotar has the head. The horse mouth. Oh, no. The minotar is a bull. Are you talking about a human woman with a horse's ass?

Horse, yeah, you're just meet in the woods. No, I think... Absolutely. You have to. I think tar, the tar of it, T-A-U-R, has to do with it of like... Like, Taurus.

Like, it's like a bull. It's not a fucking horse. No, that's better. That's a bull's ass. That's Minotar. There's centaur. There's Minut. Anitar.

Regardless, the question is human woman with a horse body. Me in the woods, bow and arrow? She's got a bow and arrow? Yeah, you have to. That's even better. Do it 100%. Yeah, I mean, she got a bow and arrow. First of all, what am I going to do?

She got a bow and arrow. Yeah. Oh, I'm like, for like the purposes of this conversation, riding that thing would be fun. You know what I mean? Not sex. For the purposes of this conversation. Yeah.

You got it. Can you imagine like that's your wife? It's like, yeah, I took my wife to work. You get on the back of your wife. She runs off. I'll be like, babe. Shoots a ball and I'm back. I'm like, let's go for a walk.

And then I just hop on her back. And she just fucking gallops and every now and then. Leans back and kisses me. That'd be so sick, dude. Yeah, like, can they walk with like their bodies fully turned around and like, we're just chilling, but you're walking us? You know what I mean? Huh.

That'd be nice. Probably not. We're talking about now. We're like, I've always said, like, there's no way I could love Becca more. but now that I'm thinking about her potentially as a centaur. One day out of the year, she's got a horse body. I'm fucking on board. Yeah, I'm like one day out of the year, there's a horse body.

Like that would be like, giddy up. Again, that would just be extra. That would just be good. You know what I mean? Like, that would just be more good. I still get her and I get that she's a horse. I get to ride a horse. Who doesn't like riding horses?

That is a great, great, great point. I mean, has anyone wrote a horse? People who don't like riding horses and probably never ridden one. I mean, I know there are people that probably don't like riding horses. Have you ridden a horse? Pony. But I was small, so it was a horse. Oh, I rode horses like last year.

I remember, yeah. They got them all by us, baby. Does it hurt your balls a lot? I'll tell you this, my inner thighs are hurting. Yeah. I like, seriously. It means the price you pay. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't like complaining about it, but like afterward I got off and I was like,

ooh, did you hold this thing? I actually held the reins and they taught me, they taught me how to like to kick, to steer and everything. So, like, I was taking advantage of it. I would have such, what's that called? Intrusive thoughts. I just feel like, Shia!

Well, no, so, like, there were parts where, so what Joey's referencing is a couple of years ago for me and Becca's anniversary, we rode horses through, like, the forest. And it was a beautiful day. The leaves are falling. I was unbelievable. And, like, at one point, the person that was, like, guiding us, she was just, like, open her up.

That's crazy. And I just, like, you kick the horse with your feet. And he's like, chah. And you're like, yo, you're, bro, you're going. Like, I've never, like, driven, like, a motorcycle or, like, any, like, you know, two-wheeled, like, mechanical vehicle. That's the most, like, three I've ever felt.

Riding a horse. Riding a horse. Wow, maybe you're a cowboy, dude. Maybe you've got to get you on a horse. I mean, I have a, there's a steel horse that I ride. Oh, my God. Just ask me I'm a cowboy

On a steel horse I'm a wanted I'm wanting A dead or a run like Go-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-coo Jump by jovi Let's go on horses I'm afraid to race them

I mean I'm not saying race them Brother, that's crazy I know Bro imagine being on a horse And then it jumps over a little fence get the fuck out of you dude well you you can't be like even you're too tall to be a jockey you know what i mean like you need to like piece of shit you are you can get on a horse i know but like i wouldn't be on one to like jump over like pipes you know how they like have that thing where it's like and they go

over it would you do that you ever see the videos of people like do the hobby horse and they jump over shit hobby horse like you know like they got like a horse's head on a stick oh yeah and they like put it between their legs and like a broomstick and then they jump over shit and they like, nay, really loud. Yeah. I mean... Yo, some of them are fucking athletes. I saw this one girl one time,

and she was getting over a 40-inch fence. Shut the fuck up. Bro, this bitch was fucking flying over the fence. Pull a hobby horse videos. Bro, they're athletes. I don't believe that they're getting that fucking... I could do it. No, they were getting over the fence.

It was outrageous. No way. Dude, I'm telling you. I'm not going to believe anything you pull up because I will believe it's AI. Just want to throw them out there. That's the world we live in. That's what we...

No, this one girl... She was, I'm gonna put her some respect on her name because I called her a bitch back there, but she is a full-blown athlete with this hobby horse between her legs. She was diving over this fence and I'm like, bro, this is crazy. And they also like, it's about like kind of showmanship. Well, like that's like, like, that's how horses flirt is they do that little like. Oh, they go back and forth and like, they like, look at my shoes. Yes. Yes.

And then like the female horses are just like, this guy wants to fuck. Yeah, yeah. This guy wants to fuck. Look at that guy's shoes. He's doing his little fucking dance for me. Look at how much of a... Oh, here we go. This is like hobby horsing.

Look, look, look, look, watch. Bro! Take it up there. Nah. Absolutely. Dude, that's up to her... That's up to her shoulders. I don't...

I mean, yeah, because she's four foot one. And she's got a good stride. She's got... Bro! Look at this with ease! She's not even breathing hard. This is an athlete. This is an athlete.

I'm telling you right now. Put me in one of these competitions and I'm blowing them out the water. Are you out of your stuff? I'm blowing them out the water. Bro, look at this. Frank, if I put you in front of that thing and you tried to jump over it,

I'd be picking pieces of your head up off the floor. I guarantee I can do that. No shot. That one was hot. No disrespect. Look at this one. Look at this one in the front. Watch when she comes towards us.

Look at this. What are we doing here, Frank? No disrespect to this individual, this, you know, athlete, I will say. Frank, you can't jump over something that's your shoulder height. I'm not saying my shoulder height. that course.

No, but it's her. It's ratio. I understand, but I don't care. Bro, you're not a hobby harser. You could never be. Hey, look at me. You'll never be a hobby harser. Nice try.

This is what you try to do with the whole running thing to get me run fucking 5Ks and half marathon. I don't need you to working here. I don't need you to run a hobby. I could definitely be a hobby horser. Hobby horser. Hobby horser. Hobby heist?

I don't know. hobby writer. Hobbiist. Like, good for them. I'm not saying that it doesn't require training and athleticism. Clearly. I just think that I innately have the training that they trained for. You think you're innately a horse?

I mean, no. Can you jump over something as high as your nipples? That's so high. I know. It's like she was up to her shoulders where she was jumping over. I probably could. I can't right now. Full transparency.

Right now I'm unable. So which time machine should we get into? No, just like forward or to the back? No, no, no, just like right now and today, like I'm physically unable to. If you were to give me a month where I feel like perfect health, ready to go, I'm limbered up and everything, I could jump. I could do that hobby horse. Routine? Sure.

No shot. I think I could, dude. You think I won't get some fences in here? What sets up? And a horse head? I think you will not. Really? I really believe you will not.

Yeah, I got you Get the fucking offense We can set it up right here And we set up like two good ones Yeah, yeah yeah See if you can jump over I mean I will ask you to set it up on here

Because it's carpeted and a little more padded than the poured concrete that we have over there But if I go down You're not going to go down You could jump over it with ease You're right You are right We won't even put it up to your nipples

We'll put it lower Okay You're only helping me here Yeah I think you're underestimating The stick of the horse you might hit some rings there. And it's also not...

That's the horse's fault then. It's also not just like hopping over. Because you've got to hop over kind of like a sideways type of thing. You got to get that stick over. They're kind of doing it like a hurdler. I have my own confidence and that's all I need. I respect that. All right, I'm on it.

We do have some... All right, before you hit... I don't know how much those things cost. I mean, it's horses, for God's sakes. So let's just keep it easy. I imagine they're expensive. Probably. We do have some sponsors.

The first one being, how you doing, Magic Spoon? Okay, this is the Magic Spoon cereal. A lot of this in my house these days, really starting to enjoy it a lot. Okay, they are crispy. They have also protein bars, which we had a bunch here that maybe we were going to display, but I ate all of them, to be honest with you. Well, Frank took some too, but I ate basically over the course of the month. Assumee, they sent stuff that was good, so I ate it.

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30. What are you thinking? I'm thinking Patreon. Oh, you thought I was talking about porn. No. Talking Patreon, man. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. It's the service that we offer, partnered with Patreon to give you guys more of us and these week of episodes one week in advance. So go check it out. Go take a gander. Go look. Listen, graduations are coming up. Some birthdays are coming up. If you give any gifts for Memorial Day or whatever, if you're in the United States, I don't know. But Patreon is a great gift to give. And if you go, and you signed up for that first year, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance.

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On the last one, Joe sat on a cucumber just to see how far you can get it up. And, you know, we're not going to tell you how far you're going to have to go check it out of Pinterest. It's not there. It's not anywhere. So go check it. it out. We want to thank you guys. The support has been overwhelming and we are so grateful and appreciative

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Patreon.com slash the basement yard Thank you so much Let's keep on going with this show I also wanted to bring up something else So I saw this on TikTok And it got me thinking You're having a big TikTok week I know I'm like

The week When I see these things on TikTok I'm like oh I got to bring these up But I saw this video of a guy in a bar And it's like you take a shot And like the bartender like throws water in your face and like slap you in the face.

Like there's like a bunch of these like things. Would you guys ever do one of those? No. I would do one if I could wear a helmet. I've seen one where they're wearing where like World War II helmets and they take a shot and the lady like slaps them in the head or something. I don't know but like why see alcohol used to be like not gimmicky.

Like why does this need to happen now? Because like then they... What do you mean? You love gimmicky stuff. Like what? The one one gimmick shot. I like. I mean, I wouldn't even call one of them a gimmick. You made Skittles

shots. They were just shots, though. I wasn't like, all right, you need to take them and you need to go fucking jerk off a leprecha. First of all, you did do that. I did make Skittles vodka and I, that was a big mistake. I'll tell you right now. I drank them as if I thought they were mixed drinks. They were just straight vodka.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just like... Wait, what's this one? Oh, is this the... All right, so I have a couple examples of what you were talking about, I think? The hurricane shot? Is this what you meant, right? The hurricane shot? Yeah, yeah.

So you take the shot, they throw water. Yo. Yo, dude. First of all, I'm not signing up for that. No fucking way. Bats. Yo. She slapped the hell out of him.

I mean, honestly, the water in the face and then getting slapped. I'm not entirely convinced that guy didn't deserve it for something. However. Or he's into it. I have a couple more. I would be so angry. And the only gimmicky shot that I like was, like, I'm not talking like, Skittles Vodka is not like a gimmicky. You like Irish carb bombs.

I do like art. So I like two. Okay. So it was the other one. Irish car bombs and I like haircuts. Haircuts, yeah. Haircuts was a big one during college. You know haircuts?

You don't? King of alcohol. This kid loves it. A haircut? So a haircut is just in reference to the way that you take the shot. But when I was taught it, it was a specific shot. So like you sit in a chair and you tilt your head back like you're getting shaved from a barber. And then they pour in peppermint schnaps and chocolate syrup.

and chocolate syrup and then they and then you swallow it so the haircut only has to do with the it's the way in which you were receiving it but like that's the same frank would walk around parties with syrup

and the bottle and be like who wants a haircut and it was the greatest fucking people liked it okay people loved it people liked it they like it what did it taste like

it I mean peppermint schnops it just tasted like peppermint no no I know I meant like what was it supposed to taste like. Oh, I don't know. I didn't know if there was like a specific, like, it's supposed to taste like this candy or something. Oh, okay. I think someone offered me that at a party once

and they're like, get on your knees. I'm like, you know what, I don't know. Yeah, see, like, that's crazy. That's crazy. Like, but those ones that you're talking about, where they like, take the shot, smack them in the face. I think it's right. We have this one as well. Oh, she's on the bar. This is bad news. Yeah, she's on the bar. Oh, she's going to spit it at him.

Oh, no. Oh, hell no. Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! She gave the one, two. That was quick. I didn't know that was part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is too much.

Wait. Also, the bar's empty. Maybe it's like a Florida hurricane shot or something. Yeah. Yeah, that's insane. I wouldn't do that. Why are I? I don't know, because.

Oh, someone's spitting the shot in your mouth? This shot, that's getting me. Really? I can't explain why. And then there's a classic, uh, just a one more here. So straight up, like. First of all, this, this way. lady's going to

oh a dog what there's a baby there's a baby it's really just the beginning part I think but this one is a true wind up

yeah oh dude why why do people want to do that ever I don't want to be slapped in the face I also remember the ones

when we were younger they had the um blow job shots how do you take those yeah Frankie how do you I've never taken a blow job shot

what I understand it was like liquor in a shot and then they would put whipped cream on top and it's like you need to put your hands behind your back put your mouth on it and shoot it back oh i wouldn't be able to do that i have to close my mouth in order to drink oh do what the shot or the blow shop did you see how did you see how like happy he got when he was going to make the joke which one the beach remember uh body shots remember body shots i do remember body shot i do remember body shot i don't think i've ever done on. I did one at your house off one of our friends who's married now. Who was the guy? The guy?

No. It was a girl. Oh, all right. I, yeah, I figured that out. Okay. But I did a, I did a body shot of her. And then thinking back, I'm like, belly tons are disgusting. That's a weird. Yeah, that's a weird one because like, I'm just going to suck on your belly button. Yeah. I took a gelo shot off someone once. That doesn't make sense. Because they just put the jelliesel. Suppose his name. Chris, but it was a... Where was it? After prom. No, no, no.

On the body. Oh, sorry. I thought you were asking. After prom. How was it? Delicious. Yeah, I think it was grape. Or strawberry?

That doesn't matter. What part of the body? So, belly button, stomach. Oh, okay. I guess, yeah, like, that was a big... Was it a dude, though? It was a dude. That was a big thing in, like, 90s, early 2000s movies.

It was just, like, take a shot off my body. It's like, that seems like, like, then it would just be like added, like, salt. Do you ever see it where it's like you pour a beer down some girl's tits and you're drinking it out of the bottom? I'm like, that's probably insane. I don't get all that gimmicky stuff. Like, when we did, like, drinking heavily, it was like. It's just boobs. I mean.

And belly buttons. The, it just, it's just a weird way because then this person's going to be all sticky. Yeah. Have some fun. Both of you. We had plenty of fun. I said that I did. I did.

I did plenty of fun. Sorry to take a body shot. off of Chris Yeah. Harry belly button. You're licking Chris's belly button and then fucking gargling his nuts

too while you're at it. That's crazy. Too much. I did one. So. Not approved. He's no fun. No, I'm definitely fun.

I'm definitely fun. Forgive me for my level of fun is not, you know, taking a body shot off of my boy. Frank was more gimmicky. First of all,

you were very gimmicky when it comes to drinking. What are you talking? I was gonna say gimmicky with like equipment. Yeah, you were prop guy. He was a prop comic. It was like, oh, we have the Bongzilla. Oh, we have the shotgun.

Frank would walk around a party with a helmet that had the two beers with the thing and drink out of me. Yeah, I'd drink out of my Dasput. I was very fucking fun. The only one of these like shot experiences that I can remember ever doing was that time I went to Vegas.

You remember when we went to the... Fuck, what was the place? in remember the story of like I went in there with one of our old associates and like they were playing and they were playing like rock music and we like message you guys where was that Coyote Ugly Coyote Ugly

Yeah that was the only place I'd done one of those We're like it was like did you I told you this where we went and they were all like We're not going to some fucking redneck hick bar And I was like yo it's all classic rock If you know classic rock, you're going to have fun. We went in and they were playing like fucking ACDC and like all the classic rock hits. And I said to the guy that we were with, I was like, yo, all you need to do is sing the lyrics, do the devil horns and like point at them.

And there were girls walking the stage that would pour shots in people's mouths. And I did that. And I must have drank a whole fucking bottle of whatever they had because I knew all the songs. Fake back. See my chair. Me? Okay. Just literally walk up to the stage, dump it right in his mouth.

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Get insurance that's really big on K. Find an agent today at Dejardin.com slash business coverage. And the reason I also remember that was because, remember there was like a guy who didn't tip well. Yeah, who's a small little, Stephen, you've got a small dick. Yeah. There was like, they like stop the music. And they were just like, okay, where's Stephen? And there, people are looking around.

They were like, Stephen T or whatever his name was. And he's like, me. And they were like, come here, big boy. And he was like, you know, clearly. a piece of shit. He, like, walked up, and they were just like, Steven, and they did that thing where they like, you know, scratch under their chin.

And they're like, if you ever buy a drink and not tip us again, you limp dick, motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, they said something like that. And then, you know, and then they pulled another guy on stage, and they wrote bitch across his forehead and lipstick. And I was like, you've never got to get out of here.

You've never heard of coyote ugly? I have heard of it. I never stepped inside the coyote. It's like girls dancing on bars and shit like that. But it's Vegas, so it's like an experience. I mean, they had one in New York. They did.

They also made a movie. Remember the Coyote Ugly movie? I think that's where it stemmed from, maybe? I think it stemmed before that. I don't know. I made a movie on it. But I do remember that. Before he was coming up to the stage every five minutes.

Well, the joke was I wore a white t-shirt there, and I left, and like, this was all covered in, like, red shots. It looked like he was bleeding out of his neck. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I don't like these, like, but you wouldn't like, if I could wear a helmet, I would do it. if they were like, oh, we're going to take out a little mallet and we're going to slam it on your head. Brother, you're not just getting hit for a fun little,

by a fucking, like, a fun little thing. I mean, these girls are nuts. First of all, they're winding up and they're hitting you with everything that has ever happened to them in their entire life. As soon as someone hit me with the, you know, I'm like, you can't be flexing your shoulder. Yeah, I duck that one.

What was the other one that people did? They did it like Mardi Gras where, like, they put shots in test tubes. Do you remember that? and the guy would like take the shot in the test tube and then the girl would like suck the back of the test tube like do you remember that? What does remember that mean?

Like I've never. I've seen videos. You know what I'm talking about. Suck the back of the tube. Yeah, that would be insane. That was, I saw someone like, like, lot, like, not, I saw a video of like someone we knew that, that did that. And I was like, that's crazy.

Yeah. Because like, it's why. Yeah, you're right there. You're right there, brother. Yeah, yeah. Like, what is going on? You know what I do like? I like drinks that you order or something and then like, or I don't know.

When you're at a bar and they have a bell and they ring it for some reason. You know what I mean? Like, why do they do that? Some bars are like, oh, it's like a, I don't know. They like ring a bell. I like, when we're ringing the bell. I'm still on a quest to go to a bar that has like an old wooden bar, like bar top. And they just throw a stine of beer down it and I could catch it and drink it like that.

we could go there we could throw a rock and hit one really probably yeah I mean is it like a thing they still throw beers there's a very old bar near where I live I don't know if it's I mean I mean it is old

I don't know how old it is but they have like little booths and stuff and they have like little saloon doors and like that's a bar where you could toss a little beer down at that yeah now that I'm thinking about it like bars and movies and TV are way cooler than bars in real life

what do you mean they have like breakable furniture that you can like hit people with in like an old saloon. They had the saloon doors. See, the Wild West. You want to be in the Wild West. You're going to tell me that if you had the opportunity like Westworld style to go to the Wild West,

you wouldn't want to just go to a saloon for a couple hours? I'm going, get into a fight, having the ace up my sleeves, and shooting someone right in the chest. And I want the piano player playing for the fight. Like, oh, the fight started. You know, that's what I want.

I just watched Django recently and in the beginning of that movie he goes with Jamie Fox to a bar and like he pours himself a beer and I'm like just the tap in there like looks really cool it just looks more beer than real beer like when it's like foaming and like coming over the top oh yeah I've had I've had plenty of beers I've never had one that looks like that you know that's like it comes over the top and it's foamy yeah like just like foamy around the fucking rim What are you snickering at? I didn't do anything.

I'm just trying to figure out how to monetize this episode. No, it's not. I mean, it's way gone. Way gone. Talked about cutting heads off. Cutting heads off. You dropped a hard pee over there. What was that?

Porn. Oh, I said porn. That's just a couple of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Corn, corn, corn, corn. Corn, corn. What do we say about unalive? Unaliving.

How do you say, the top? How do you say decapitate, but in Internet lingo? Del capi. Decappy. They're not Italian, why you're saying it. Decap. Removing of the cap. Yeah.

Headless. I feel like that's a bad one. Really? I mean, that's pretty headless horseman. Huh? You ever afraid of any of that? Bloody Mary. Ooh.

I still won't do it. We do it right now. That's not how that works. I did you? You don't you? Isn't it like you have to, it's like at night in the dark, in the mirror? I'm like kind of afraid of that. I heard it was just like at night in the dark.

I didn't hear like it had to be. Oh no, I heard in the dark in the mirror. I thought it could happen during the day. How can it be in the dark? You can shut the door to your bathroom. Usually there's a window. Not that I have one. Yeah, I was going to say that it doesn't always.

Yeah. I could see you Like the Candyman was the one that really scared me Because they made that whole movie I don't even know who or what he does he do You don't know the Candy Man? No You said it twice now

Careful How many how many do you need? Oh that's right Damn I'm pretty close Three of them Three of them? Yeah I will stop I think it's also a mirror though

I will stop It's a mirror I think so What is with that Like say it into a mirror And they'll appear You ever play with a Ouija board? Yeah when I was a kid

I never did. We did once. I know people that like really swear by some shit that happened with Ouija boards. I've never, and I refuse to believe anyone's stories, especially if they were a kid.

Yeah, also you can go into Toys R Us at the time and buy ones. Like, I don't trust that one. I need one in an attic. It's dusty. Yeah. I need to hear it like Jumanji. Yeah, there's like blood on it.

Someone died on top of it or something. Yeah, so I need more like that. I can't go to Toys R Us and buy it once. Yeah, I knew people that said they did it And, like, the person that was there, their handbag caught on fire. And I was like, sure, dude. Get the fuck out of it. Sure.

But I'll tell you this. I don't care enough to try it. Yeah, I'm not going to play. I'm not going to play at all. If it is a mass marketed monster toy. Yeah. Monster toy. Like, I also am, I've aged out.

Like, can you imagine being somewhere in they're like, let's play a Ouija board? I'm like, I'm 34. Like, I'm 34. I'm not playing with a Ouija. Yeah, I don't want to play with a Ouji board. Pull out Catan. You know, Katan's fire, though. I haven't played Katan in a long time.

Although that is funny. You got two sheep? Yeah. Have you ever played Katan? No. I've yet to play. I got to come over one night and we got to play. Yeah.

It's a good game. I'm just going to, like, call you at like 8 p.m. one night and just be like, I'm on my way. I'll tell you this right now. Open the Katan. You don't even have to call me. If you start to begin to say the word to Espo, he's playing. Espo and I played so many board games together as a kid, so that makes that tracks. Really into Catan.

Really? I mean, I don't blame him. It's a fun game. But I know, like, it's going to be the thing where I play with him and he should be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, you didn't properly prioritize your iron. And then I'm fucking gang banged. That's what it is. Yeah, I, uh, have you guys done? I can see piggy boys during Halloween doing a Ouija board episode. No, nothing like that. Are you guys scared? Oh, no, you're a horror guy. I'm a horror guy. I'm a horror guy doesn't necessarily mean he's a Ouija guy. But I'm a big, like, you know, just in case. Are you brave? Or are you? bitch. Oh, wow. I mean, I'm a bitch. Depends on the scenario. Like, I don't want to go into a haunted house. Like, they used to go explore abandoned buildings. No. No, I'm good.

There was that place, what were the name of that place on Long Island that everyone talked about? It was like an abandoned... Amonneville. No, no, no, no. Amityville was the house. Oh, Blood Manor? There was another, no, that was like a haunted house. Yeah. I think there was a hospital. There was a, it was like an abandoned hospital that people would say, like, we're going to go break into it and explore. Oh, I never heard.

It was on Long Island, like, not far in Long Island, though, like, closer to, like, Fresh Meadows. Dude, they went and, like, just explore abandoned hospital, essentially. Yeah, I'm good. The elevator was, like, it's dark. The elevator just had no elevator, like, the shaft straight down. It's like, what are you guys doing in here? No, I remember that was, like, a thing when we were kids that, like, people would say, like, around that time of the year, they'd be, like, a couple of us are going to go, like, and hop the fence and explore.

It's like, what is this? The 70s? I'm not doing this. The 90s were basically the 70s of their time. Or it's like, I dare you to spend a night in the cemetery. It's like, what? Yeah, I get why that's creepy, but I wish cemeteries were actually as foggy as they look in like, there be a lot creepier.

There is that a certain appeal to cemeteries that is lost now. Like now everything is like polished and like nice looking back in the day where it was just like fucking dumb looking headstones. Yeah, and there's like, yeah. Well, the distance in between the 70s and 90s is shorter than the difference between the 90s and now. I know. Oh. Yeah.

20. In some case, 11 years. I'm fucking ancient. That happens. We are. We are pretty fucking old. That's crazy, dude. What did that happen?

I mean, the 70, we were not alive during the 70s. So, like, I imagine if we were alive during the 70s, we would be like, damn, when we were in the 90s, but now we're alive today, and we can look back on the 90s. Thanks for that math, Frank. I don't know what to do with that, but we do have some more sponsors to get to here, so let me do that. The first one is seek geek, seek geek. is where you're going to get all your tickets, okay?

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But you can go check them out. Go to Liquidiv.com and get 20% off your first purchase with the code basement at checkout. Okay. So that is 20% off of your first purchase with the code basement at checkout at liquidiv.com. So go get them, folks. All right. I had a question, and I'm hoping you guys can help me out here. At least help me get to a line of logic that's going to help break down and give me an answer.

You guys took two paragraphs. I was laughing at him. Oh. Disrespect. Yeah. No, never mind. No, no, no. No, no.

Absolutely not. Nevermind now. Oh, I want the question. He did that, not me. I won't listen. Fair. I'm with him. You have to answer for him.

He is your employee at the end of the day. I mean, he's right. What if I fired him? No, wait, we'll. And then we're on board. You're not fired, but no bonus. That's worse. No, I was going to ask, because you guys have been bullying me into doing some form of an athletic training event.

And, uh... Whoa, did that work? Like, I can sign us all up? No, no, no, no, absolutely not. What about a 5K? I mean, the closest you're getting to me right now is me doing that thing for the infinity wallet. Ooh, bro, it's 100 miles.

It's more than that. It's like kind of closer to like 5 to 600 miles. Because you need all of them to get the infinity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If those of you guys that don't know, there's this app that I learned that aunt uses. It's a thing called, it's called like the Conqueror or something like that. Something like that, yeah.

And they're like virtual races. But you don't need to do them all in one shot, and you can kind of, like, add them up. So if you go to the gym, you know, 10 days this month, whatever you do for your cardio, the mileage will add up and you'll complete one. And they have a bunch. And if you do a bunch of them, you get an infinity gauntlet. And there are other ones that you get little gems for, like in other metals. That's the closest you're getting me to.

It's a pretty good incentive. It's not bad. They also have some Star Wars ones that I thought were pretty cool, too. once you get toys involved we got them yeah I got to admit honestly like I am like that is me I am that

the toys are in maybe it says on the thing that it's like mileage and distance that you need to complete in order to get this stuff how many humps in a mile

because hear me out hear me on hear me out when you're jogging in place i.e. on a treadmill or something creating a sense of distance that then could be added together to show like, okay, you ran for this long and it's a mile. How many times, because if it's physical exertion that people want, okay, so you're asking how many humps equals a mile? Yes. How many inches would you say

is a hump? That's a personal question. You brought it up. Also, what are we talking about? But like, so instead of having to run or jog or cycle a mile, can I hump a mile? I could do the math if we have how many inches is a hump. Average. How could we possibly know that? I mean, how many inches is that? Don't even do that ever again.

Don't do it again. Stand up. You stand up. No. Give me one hump. Go ahead. You're going to. You're the one who wants to do this.

I prefer to jog. Like a sex hump. I'm referencing. What would be the other kind? I don't know. And dry humping doesn't count. Actually, none of this counts. It might count more because dry humping.

Are you saying you do want this metal, this infinity gaunt? Can me engaging in my healthy sexual life that I have with my wife contribute to mileage to get me medals and toys? So let's say this is the hump. If you go this far back and this far forward, what's that distance? I would say one hump is equivalent to, let's say, two feet. Two feet? Because I'm pulling back? No?

24 inches of hump? I think because you have to measure from tip of penis to butt. It's getting harder. This is crazy. No, think about it. I don't have anything to draw. I would draw. I would draw.

There's details now that I know that I can't know. So 24 inches per hump? That's what you're getting. That's what you're saying? I would say a typical hump is a 24 inch. extravagantly. It's a preposterously long hump. I don't even know how we got here

where we're going from now. Also, I couldn't possibly guess what you're doing right now with your calculator. Well, there's 63,3,360 inches in a mile. And if... 5,280 feet in a mile. And there's...

So, we need inches because we're in inches for hump. Per hump. No, no, no. Per hump, it's two feet. Oh, you're doing feet per hump. So if you have... Are you doing feet per hump? All right, we'll do feet per hump. feet per hump.

So two feet per hump, ridiculous. Yeah, that's an outrageous hump. How? That's a crazy. I don't know, but I hope she's okay. You don't think, because you have to measure, the pendulum swings both ways. You have to measure going that way a foot and that way a foot.

Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. You think it's like I'm pulling back two feet and then I'm fucking ramming two feet? I don't know. I just hope she's okay. Really. Okay, so Frankie, for you to hump a mile at two feet per hump. Wait, it would be, it would be, I mean,

5,280 divided by two is... He would need 26... He's done the math! Let him read the math! You would need 2,640 humps to hump a mile. So, 2,640 humps. 2,640 humps to hump a mile. Google...

Google what is the average... Number of humps. No, no, no, the average length of sexual encounters in the United States. In minutes. I don't think it goes up to minutes. really? I don't think there would be a way to even Yeah I can't do that

Alright so let's say You're talking about you you're trying to hump the mile Yeah this is all right So really we have to divide by two again because what is it 30 sec? How long? Dude you nailed me Absolutely nailed me because you the insinuation is that I fuck for 30 seconds I don't even have much for this

That's your guy over there But so What did you learn? My question is Yeah for you what do you think the average sexual encounter is? No, no, no. That's not your question.

That's my question back out of this now. We're already here, buddy. I'm, I'm here. It's you. How long? It's yours. No, no, no, we have to go average. Why?

It's you. Like, you're the one who we're talking about. So let's say it's, you know, hour and 20 minutes. I mean, come, come on. What? What are we doing? No. Okay, so 500.

5,280. So we need humps per minute. My head hurts. I feel like I'm taking the L sets right now. So if it's 2,640, humps in a mile. How many humps are you getting per minute do we need to figure out?

How many humps per minute do you think you're getting? I would say, just do day. Let's make it easy. I would say per minute? Sorry. Let's say, let's say like 40. 40. Too much?

40 pumps in a minute. 40 humps in a minute at two feet per hump. That's a lot of feet. So then what is that? That's 80 feet a minute. 80 feet of humps a minute. So you need... You're telling me you're humping a mile in 33 minutes.

Get out of here. So, so, hear me out. I don't even how am I how do I hear I'm hearing you in math is fun

so 33 minutes of a sexual encounter is a mile with no stopping humpage right a constant rate of humpage

at 33 minutes will give you a mile of humping yeah that's what the math says so if I ran or

or cycled five miles, and then at home I humped another mile. Could that help? Yeah. If you'd like, if you'd like, if you're going to count that. If you're going to do the math. He's so mad. I'm not mad. He's so mad right now.

I just, I, yep. You need to understand something. Yeah. I'm the people's person on this episode. What's that mean? I am the one that has to speak as a representative. and for the people that watch this show as you sit there with your with your your your your your your your your your your your your billion dollar silver spoons that you're eating out of someone needs to have a connection to the real world that's my purpose here you with a two foot hump 40 40 40 per minute 40 40 humps with a two foot swing per minute like a grandfather clock he's faster so point that I'm bringing up is

not everyone likes to jog, not everyone likes to run, not everyone likes to walk, but most people like to fuck. Yeah. So if there is a way to rewrite these rules that you made for physical exercise. You brought this up.

If there is a way for me to help speak for the people to rewrite the script on physical exercise, I'm going to do it. I also didn't say that you had to do anything. You brought the set. You set the parameters. It's not my company.

Yes, it is. It's called Sanagado Studios. No. The company that makes these metals. But I'm saying you are part of a bigger problem. Oh, okay. Somehow I'm to blame. Yes.

And you doing the math to figure out that you could cut a little corner and put a mile in here because you've had sex, that's helpful. If you have sex twice a day for 33 minutes each time, you're running two miles.

How am I wrong? We're saying you can do that. We is like, like it can happen. Right. Yeah. You think about it. There are corn stars out there

that are basically ultra marathon runners. It's too late for corn. It's literally too late for corn. It's way too late. we're soaking wet with demonetization. There's no need to put on a raincoat. But are you saying that you are going to attempt to get these metals? Is that what I'm hearing?

I'm the closest I've ever been because the metals are a huge part of it. And now that I used science to figure out that sexual encounters can be part of it. That too. I use both. What is math, if not just science, with numbers? And philosophy, I see. Wow. You have nothing to contribute here.

How could I? I would think it would be easier just to get out there and walk it. Well, doesn't your heart rate increase when you're engaging in sexual encounters? Of course. Okay. So what's the difference between jogging? Definitely zone two right there. If anything, it's better. What's your V-O-2 max during sex?

Joe? Not yours. I'm just the general. Oh, I don't think that's how that works. It's just what you, what your VOTF max is. It's not like, it is consistent. Like what you. I think we broke ground on a new way of like figuring out health and exercise. This feels like a superhuman.

Are you, Ann, are you still in touch with RFK Jr? Can you get a, can you tell him what we discovered here? In touch with RFK Jr. I don't, I can't even begin to know what that means. He'd probably be on board with those numbers. Think so? Yeah. All right.

It's misinformation, so. I mean, we used as much, that was good. That was really good. He would like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What? That was really, I like, I like what we just did there.

You know, a lot of people talk shit about us. Do they? And they say that, like, these guys know nothing. Do they? I mean, there. in this situation though we just use real who said we weren't

going to use math you keep saying stuff like that I don't think anyone's saying it to be honest with you but I think it is working but

Ann are you gonna go for the gauntlet I'm working on the Scooby-Doo metal right now that's nice what's that one can I see it I want to see the Scooby-Doo one is it look cool

what's Scooby-Doo it's just like the mystery gang on it and everything but like what do you have to do I mean Oh, it's 350 miles. Woo!

350 miles. Accumulative. Well, because you could join a team and people from like are on a team. No. Oh, wait. So I can get the gauntlet with like 10 people on my team? Dude, that's sick. You're going to tell me that's not sick.

Scooby-Doo-Doo. Joey, look at that. How do you not like that? That's awesome. I haven't even said anything. Pull up the infinity gauntlet ones. Those are cool, dude. Those are fucking rad.

This company is going to be hype. Look. And each of those stones are jet, yeah. Oh, so that's how it works. You have to collect all those, and then you need to collect the gauntlet. And each of them are like between 70 and 100 miles. So like 600 miles. It's a lot of work for something Frankie's not going to do.

Uh-oh. There he goes. Uh-oh. There he goes. I don't like that. I hate that. I really do. I don't like that.

I hate that. I really dislike what you just said there. I am currently at 114 miles. We did the math the other day. I'm basically at over 50. Mm-hmm. If we combine... Are you going to cycle?

If I cycled, I'm beating that in three weeks. Cycling feels like cheating. It's still... I mean, it's still harder than you think. Like, biking 100 miles would take a while. It would take... Like, I mean, going on an average rate of like 12 miles per hour. Let's say 10 just to make it easier, so it would be 10 cycle sessions.

Yeah. That could be... That's two weeks are working out. I mean, it would be worth it to, like, cycle 100 miles. It's like, still 100 miles. Yeah, they have a root 66 metal that's like 2,2, 260. It's the all of like the length of Route 66. Probably cycle.

Where does 66 go? Across. I think it's across the whole thing. Oh, okay. Even numbers go across, odd numbers go up and down. So what's this one? 91 that goes down? 95.

95. 95. 95. 91 would, in essence, go north and south. Yeah. I didn't know that. You learn something new every day. You're writing that down? I am going to write that. I mean, I believe it's for interstates. I don't think like all roads are like that. Like county roads or anything. Yeah. You know. But. So we're going to, we're getting out there. The boys are mileing up.

I mean, now that I saw there's some really cool hardware. Not like a, I did the NYC marathon or like, you know, I had fun. Why did you think I did that? The medal. Also, the next year, the medal was way cooler. Really? Yeah. Oh, like, mine's like cool, I guess. Can you trade it in? No. I wouldn't. Be like, can I get the new metal that just came on sale? I'm just going to probably end up doing it again at some point. Do people sell their metals on like eBay or something? Who would buy it? It's not solid gold. I'm not saying for the expensive part of it. Oh, just to be like, yeah. It's like, I don't want it anymore. See if anyone wants it. I don't know who would buy it. Are there like vintage marathon medals? That would be cool. That would be cool. Yeah, but you didn't run it.

Who cares? Who cares? Not yet. No. I'm saying the vintage one. Like, you can't never run that now. Not ever. I don't think in my lifetime I'll do a marathon or a half marathon. We'll see. We'll see how good the medals are. But I'll sex a marathon. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't. I don't. I'll hump a marathon.

I'll hump a marathon. Right. You start a marathon and I'll... I should probably stop talking about this, right? It's crazy. Why didn't you start the marathon? Why didn't you guys cut me off sooner? Me? You were full steam ahead like a local motive engine train.

I was. Full steam ahead. Not much can get in the way of me when I have an idea. It's just chew, two, right down the track, isn't it? So are you doing 350 miles? Yeah, well, my team is. How many people are on this team? There's only three so far.

Oh. Is it people you know are strange? It's people in my like Discord. Oh nice. It's like a little low... Oh damn, you gotta get out there then. I know. I can't let them beat me. I know.

There's like 20 people in my group. Are there people that not like fall and get hurt during the marathons and like are unable to stop? Unable to stop? Like when they're doing it like they like trip and like fucking fall over and hurt themselves? I'm sure that probably does happen. I don't think it's like typical. But what do you mean can't stop?

Like I mean can't continue this. what I meant. I'm sorry. Yeah, that does happen. 99% of people finish the marathon, though. It's something like that. It's like high 90s percent finish the marathon. I would be so afraid to like fall over and like where you get like, you like hurt your hands,

you know what I'm talking about? Or scrape knees or something. That's such a weird fear of the marathon. You're not afraid of that? To get my hand scraped? No, scrape knees. But like you're not like running so hard that you would like hit the day? I mean, it would happen to me. Didn't you say you ran on cobblestone? I'd be

running like, yes I did. But there is no cobblestone on the marathon. I mean, his had one. It made no sense. The half. Yeah, that was weird, but that was kind of crazy. You're worried about your hands. Well, not, I'm just, I'm using that as reference. It would be hard to fall.

Bro, it's not like, pass. Why's the last time you, like, scraped your hand or scraped your knee or something? I scraped my knee recently. I hated it. It, like, it hurts way more than we give it credit for. I, so the under my bed has, like, these two drawers that slide in and out. And the way that the comforter lays over the bed,

sometimes it's like hidden, and I don't know that it's sticking out a little bit. And my shin hit this thing, like the corner of it the other day, and I just looked back on my bed and just went, you! Yeah, just like that. And like I just, it's the worst feeling in the world. When you scrape your shin, oh my God. I'll be honest, I have spoken to inanimate objects with such disdain and anger that if it comes out that they have a soul,

I'm going to have to repent. Yeah, you are. I've said some things to some... I've yelled at like... Cabinets, drawers, lamps. Cabin... Bro, I yelled at my dishwasher like two months ago. I hate that thing.

Bro, the corner of my, like, kitchen island hit me on the waist. Yeah. And I almost fucking tore the thing out of the ground because I was so mad. And I feel so bad for my dog because when I do yell, he comes over and is like,

is everything okay? And now I'm just mad at him. Because he's around. Yeah, that's a living thing. I know. Yeah. I don't like yell on his feet. face. I can't, I've never yelled

in his face. Oh, I've yelled on his face if he's like peed on the floor when he was a puppy and been like, bro! Oh, so you didn't yell at him, you just like complete, like, demean him. It would be like... You're a filthy little fucker, aren't you? No, you do stuff like that. To whom? You're like laundry. Didn't you say that you do that?

I know. I do. Drow! You slut or something? I don't know. You say you yell at people on your laundry or something? I am... Out of context. No one knows what I'm talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. You don't need to clarify it. You don't need everything, but it's fine. Maybe we'll just leave you there. That's what Frank yells at his laundry. No, wait, what? What? Well, you can't do that. Don't you? I'm you. Fucking idiot. That's what I say.

You're fucking dumbass. Or I yell at myself a lot. Oh, I talk to myself a lot. If I do something stupid, I'm like, you're literally worthless. Yeah. I just call myself and I would be like, fucking idiot I am. What was I thinking? Yeah.

I did that. What was I thinking? I'm an idiot. Yeah. I really, Becca like one time sat me down and she was just like, it's concerning. Yeah. Like how you talk to yourself. And I was like, what's wrong?

I'm like, nothing's wrong. I'm just a fucking. moron. I hate myself, that's what. Yeah. I was like, who's the idiot here? This dumb fucking idiot

that I look at in the mirror every day, moron. I get to a point where it's just like, all right, chill. Chill me. It's how we start

every day. Look in the mirror and you go, youf. And then I go about my day. I like wake up going, and I just keep walking. And then I just keep it, yeah, I brush my teeth.

But yeah, that's all for this week's episode of the baseball. Oh, we're really stopping? Yeah, why not? Right. Where can they find you, Frank? I got nothing funny. The Frank Alvarez is everywhere. Go check it out.

Add it and at Aunt Priscoe. Whatever. Yep. Baseby on Patreon. And you guys go follow me at Joe San Diego. Go follow the show at the Baseman on TikTok and Instagram. Not as well. See you guys next time.