The Basement Yard - #569 - Choosing Our New Grandma

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

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Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement yard. You clicking your two pinky rings together? I click them. I click them. You got a lot of rings these days. Are you going to keep going up? I don't know, dude. I recently met someone who has like rings on every finger and then sometimes on some of them too.

I was like, this is crazy. Where did you meet this person? I'm completely irrelevant. But it's like so many rings is just like, I think this is a good meaty. A good meaty, medium. No? I got you this ring. This was a gift at the end of the show.

I know. Be fully honest with me. And it's all right. It's a gift. You will never wear that. I've never worn a pinky ring. Well, why not? I don't.

Give in, dude. Give in to like the... I'm not like a pinky ring guy. I think you are, honestly. Once you ring it up, then you don't bring it back. I've worn rings before, but it's like... When's the last ring you wore? I was like in Miami, and I was, like, in Miami, and I was.

wore rings. Really? Yeah. What? Oh, you're wearing rings. I got rings. You got rings?

You're ringed up? I'm with you. Rings are kind of the way to go, dude, because like this is all like cool. And that's a very nice bracelet. But like, sometimes you just need to like, what's that? Just be a loud hand have her. Right. I actually separate them so I don't do that.

Well, this is the only one that I don't because it's just, it's pinky ring size and I'm not going to double it up. Were you crazy? Yeah, this is being insane. That would be crazy, dude. I would be worried about your pinky. It doesn't fit on any other... This makes me so nervous. Didn't you say that your dad had to cut a ring off his finger or something like that?

Oh, we had to cut a ring off of my sister's finger growing up. You've seen the, like, dental floss trick? Yeah. That's scary, but also, like, that's a cool way. I think he used, like, a little hand saw, and I was like... Like a dremel or something like that? Yeah, like a dentist came in and was like, oh, I would be terrified of that. Yeah.

My brother had a... You remember the silly bands, like, that were shaped of animals? Yeah, of course. He wrapped that when he was a child in the cafeteria around his finger, and one of my friends saw, like, yo, that kid's fingers just blew. That bad, huh? Yeah, he almost lost it. The people said, like, oh, it would have been gone.

That was such a thing I remember with us, like, the scariest thing in a house as a kid in the 90s and 2000s was, like, window blinds. Because they all had the long drawstring. You don't remember that? I do. I remember very clearly just being like, my parents, like, barking at us. Like, don't play with that. You'll choke yourself. Really?

Yeah, because, like, it would, like, it had, like, those big clunky pieces of plastic on the end. Yeah. So if it got around something, it would, like, kind of lock itself in. And I've imagined that tragedies have happened and it scared people into not doing it. That's never, I don't know. I never, like, thought about that, really. Something I think about when you have a house and you do window treatments, like, stuff like that is scary. Super dark, but, yeah, it happens.

Make sure my children don't hurt themselves. Well, like, window treatments now are just, like, you just pull it. and push it. I love that. I love a good... Yeah. I like that. Or like a crank

because it makes me feel like I'm like... I have a tower. Like opening the doors. What are... Our house, like, there's a window that has like the old window treatments from the old owners

and it has like the rope. Like I'm the fucking phantom of the opera. You know what I'm saying? I like that. I have that in my apartment now. I don't dislike it. I hate this shit.

I feel like... I don't mind that either. I hate this shit. Now they have a... ones that like it like folds in on itself because some of our windows have that but now the arm like folds so it's not just an arm sticking out like this oh yeah you know i don't like the crank i'm cracking the window open i don't mind the crank i like it no i have nothing against it i do prefer the just up and down just a little up and down magic it does feel like magic have you seen the ones that

like you can pull it from the top too yeah what are we doing now though oh you're not in what do you mean how are you on window like is that your feeling is that your feeling favorite window treatment or do you have others that you're like a big fan of window treatment that's what they're called oh but it's just funny um i don't know i haven't put much thought into this the ones that you could just open bro you ever get a window bro i hate these fucking windows that we we're reinventing the window for for no reason there's windows where it's like you crank it open yeah and the whole window can come in yo what are these windows brother why do they do this they're fucking scary remember when i opened it and it scared me i thought it was far yeah dude that

It's happened to me too. They scare everyone. There's not, and no one in the history of the world is like, I wish this window would just open this way so that I can get some air in here. I'm just opening. I'm sure there is a reason, but the fake out is what fucking scares people because it's not like it's on like a piston. It like, it just falls.

It just falls down on you. When you, when you're the only one that doesn't know something's happening, I feel like that's when you look the dumbest. That is correct. Because he knows the window came out and he saw me go fully like, oh, you know. I mean, I don't remember. I've opened windows that have like, it's like a handle and it's like if you put it this way, it opens regular. If you put it this way, it comes down that way.

If you put it all the way up, then it fucking like the asshole pops out. Yeah. Just make it a simple up, up, down. Or, or I know you don't like a crank. I don't mind a crank. I'm fine with a crank. Or just open it like a door and then shut it. Like, what are we doing?

Why do we need all this? This is insane. You know what windows I love? You know, like, old-timey houses have like the, like, it's like a quarter circle. A lot of like, uh, it's like, it's like one of those windows. And then there'll be like two in the attic. So it looks like if you put them together, it's like power Rangers meeting in the middle. I do fuck with that.

A lot of like old-timey like Long Island houses. That's where I saw it recently when we were on our way home from Long Island. Quarter circle. Yeah, dude. Yeah. This reminds me of like Jumanji. Yes. It's exactly what it reminds me.

You're like, oh my God, there's a big haunted 32 year old who lives in the attic. Or yeah, like the Amityville Horror House. You remember that one? Yeah. dead but alive up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of love windows like that. Whenever I see those windows, I always think like inside is this like old-timey old woman that's just a fucking bitch. Or it's just like an old dude who's just like covered in hair. He's got like hair all over his face. I imagine just like someone is standing in the middle and they're just going like this.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like they can like look out both windows at like to this day. If I see an attic window, I just stare at it because I'm like someone's going to pop out. We were fucking, do you remember when we were jump scared by that old woman on 44th or something like that in Astoria? Bro, though, yeah. Bro, first of all, I don't know why. I thought it was like a girl. It was like the longest, it felt like the longest block in the world. And I don't know why.

But at the corner of it, there was this house. I think it was pink, right? It was like a beige. It was like a beigeish pink, which is the hardest thing I've ever said in my entire life. Bezish pink, beigeish pink. And we were walking down at night. And we looked over and like jump scare. Like someone was like in the fucking window like that.

It looked like a girl from the ring with like hair down. I don't like that. And I feel like that that turned me off to walking at night and like looking into windows. I do like looking into people's apartments from my apartment. Freak. Well, I'm not like hoping to see them naked or something. Well, then why do you like to look into it? Because I'm like, what are they doing in there?

Like what's their lives like? I mean, I think the hope and the like, the enjoyment of life. looking in is the problem. It's not like, if you like, if you like looking in because you want to see them eating food, whatever, but like you like it because you want to see something crazy happen. No, I know, not necessarily. I just like seeing like, um, you're like, look at these people that are all living lives.

This guy's working. They're watching TV. She's making dinner. And then this guy's killing someone in his bathtub or something. What he's doing? That's some rear window shit. That's what you're doing. I don't know.

But that nice hotel that we stayed at in Toronto, right next to a building. Yeah. And also the bathroom, window. Yep. So I'm in the shower and my butt is facing someone's living room. I think, though, that had the old-timey, like, hunchback Notre Dame. Who's got that kind of time when you're showering? I didn't do it.

So you're cool. Wait, so let me ask. Yeah. You, like, kind of looking in and seeing, like, oh, people are about and stuff like that. Do you keep your windows open for, like, the blind's open for that reason? Or do you, like, I don't want anyone to see in here? in a hotel or home I mean there's not a building that's like super close to me

that like they would they would be able to see in and see who it is like if they saw me from a distance they'd be like I guy's naked what would you do if you looked across and you saw someone with like binoculars I'd like this guy's a freak just staring into your place you call in the 5-0 well I would just assume they're not looking at my apartment how do you know because there's a lot of the apartment I mean I don't know for sure

shouldn't the assumption be that they are so you can stop it what am I going to do call the cops say hey there's someone in this building across the way for me that's looking into my apartment with a binoculars the next to the building is like I'm pretty sure they'll just go like nice yeah no they absolutely what are they gonna do I mean they'll do something at least make it make me believe that you're gonna do something about it if the reality is you're not going to that's fine but at least like tell me you're gonna be vigilant I'm less worried about that I'm worried about like your last house didn't love that your door I hated that oh like it was a big like it was a big like it was a

It was mostly glass. Like someone who's like coming to your house is like, can see you in your house. Yeah, I get it. I mean, we probably should have. Like we had, we always had like a wreath on the front door. So it was a little obstructed. But I hear what you're saying. I stayed in an Airbnb recently and the whole front door was glass.

I'm like, I hate this. Yeah. People could just walk up and just be like, hey, I'm a big fan. You know what I'm coming all the way back on? Screens, dude. I'm back on screen. I'm back on screen that slams. Dude, I, well, first of all, we grew up with like the old.

timing screen doors in New York that were like made of aluminum foil. Yeah. And it always had that like horse and carriage on the front. You know which one I'm talking about. And they were loud. Loud. And on just the strongest spring that has ever existed. Yeah.

It was a strongest spring that's ever been sprung. It fucking slam shut. Dude, that thing, when that, when you let go with that thing, it could have like, I imagine like a cartoon. Like if I put my face where it hit, there would be like an outline of my face in the door. Because I shit was strong. We had one growing up like before, like when I was, when I was super. super young. I remember a home video. I don't even remember this door. That's how old it is. But I watch old home videos and when we were in the front yard, we used to just smack on the door to let us back in.

And it just like that car accident. That sound. Yeah, that sound. It really was very like, it was like sheet metal. Yeah. Like I don't know how or why they produced doors that were that flimsy and thin. Yeah. It was like a symbol. Like a drum symbol. We just got like on our French doors to go to the backyard. It's like a retractable screen. So like we can throw the door. open in the fall and just have that bitch open. Retractable. Like it's like so like the French doors right? Yeah. Look at me. Yeah.

It's like rolled up on either side and you can close it. Oh. And then when you're done, you press a button and it just retracts back on it. Gotcha. Because I'm all about cross breezes, baby. Yeah. I'm all about like open a door there or window there, window there and let that shit fucking come through.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Herp in your house. That I remember that's something that we had previously. spoke about. I came home one day. I think I told you that. I came home one day. And Beck is like, I'm burping the house. I was like, where are we now? I mean, I'm the one who's

got to do that. Cold just let the fucking AC just run. And I'm like, it gets cold? It just dries you out. It's all AC all day. Can't have this. Do you sleep in a humidifier? No. I never, but I know that. I have. But then, like, once it runs out of water, I'm like, oh.

Well, because it, like, wakes you up. It says the point. Like, the point is that it's not supposed to like if it runs out of water in the middle of the night it's going to be like beep beep beep oh no it wouldn't it wouldn't make it sound i'm just like i wouldn't refill it because i'm like i don't want to do also you got to fill it with the right water if not you're getting those brain-eating amoebas or whatever they're doing on a humidifier i think so are you breathing in stuff all the air yeah you're supposed to use distilled water so you don't get like fucking parasites and shit like that i think that's only if you're like pouring it

into your nasal like a netty pot because i've done that with not distilled water And I was very scared. Yeah. I was convinced it was over. Also, if you're a little thirsty, you can just take out of the deemunifier and drink a little bit. That would be disgusting. That would be absolutely disgusting. If you're a little thirsty.

If you're a little thirsty, you have a bottle of water next to the bed. No, well, there's no bottle of water. And you don't want to get up. I always have water on my nightstand. You can do a cup or bottle? I guess, but I prefer a bottle. Well, I have like a resealed a bottle. Yeah.

Like one that I, like, take to the gym or something. I'll fill that bitch up. the people that used to like old time like where they would put like a glass of water on their nightstand put their dentures in it yeah well that was different that was like a cleaning solution yeah i guess i'm kind of not taking your teeth out at the end of the night's probably so fire i was just gonna say i'm not against having those one day taking my teeth out if all like if i'm old and gray and like i got nothing like to fucking like care about my teeth for i'm cool with taking them out if i could take my teeth out i feel like that's better than that taking your bra off, you know, like you take my teeth out like, I don't know, they make taking the bra off look very relaxing. I think maybe if you got, you know, gigantic wombats, then it then taking them off, you're like, thank God. Kerbangers.

Yeah, kerbangers. If you had big old kerbangers. But imagine, like, it's like a long day of like talking and eating. At the end of the day, you're like, ugh. Take your teeth out. You know, it's funny because we can't. Or take your bra off and your teeth out. Now, Grandma's probably having a denture.

and kerbangers? That's why grandmothers used to sleep really well because taken out, I mean, what's more relaxing? Well, no, because grandmothers back in the day, they used to take all that off to then put on a fucking, like, twill nightgown and shit like that. It can't be fucking comfortable.

Nightgowns are pretty comfortable. They look like, they make you look haunted. Yeah, but back those old-timey ones, they had, like, collars and shit like that. Like, there's no way that shit was comfortable at all. Yeah, my grandmother's, uh, my grandmother's nightgown was pretty complex. had like lace.

It definitely looked like she could fly. Dude. Oh, I like those actually that have like the lapels. Well, that's what I'm saying. They have like collars and shit

like that. Like this, yo, I'm letting you know right now. Pick your favorite grandma right now. Oh. That's a, make this.

Pick your favorite grandma. I need to be able to take a look at these. Let's zoom in on these grandmas. We're going to pick our favorite grandma right now. Uh, oh, man. So the one in the pink reminds me a yaya. Frank,

in the back of them are pink. No, in the back pink. That reminds me of yada. That does remind me more of Yaya. Yeah. And I got one. I got one too.

I think, all right. So here's what I'm going to go with. Give me your top two grandmas right now. Top two grandmas in this picture right now is the one in the back and like the brighter pink. And I don't, I don't, I'm cool with the one all the way on the right and the white. She's got like a, she's got like a grandmotherly look on her face. Very fair skin. Very.

I mean, I'm not even picking up because of that, but like, I just. she has like a, you know. Yeah. I think there's one right choice here. Yeah. Personally, my number one overall draft pick in these old women right now, I'm taking shorty in the front in the pink on the right. That's my number one because it just looks like she's like very loving.

See, I'm getting more of like a she was like. She looked like she could be a model. She's going to pull out an old picture and you're going to be like, Grandma, damn. I mean, she out of all of them, looks like the one that is the, closest to having have been German at a really specific time in our world's history. All right. You know what I'm saying? These are nice ladies,

I'm not saying she was a Nazi, but like, of all the ones that could look like it. No. She looks like a nice old woman. She's a whole woman, for God's sake. She looks like she could get down, party. My next pick. No, all them party. They do this. They do this dance. They do this dance.

No, this is like the old... Have you ever seen the woman? She's like a TikTok account where she, like, dances like a middle-aged woman. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? They do that middle-aged woman dance, though. My second pick would be the lady all the way to the left, because I feel like she's not,

she's like speaking a Slavic language that I don't know, and she cooks, like, for real. No. See, the woman all the way to the left, 100% was the one that worked as a librarian. One million percent. What's wrong with that? Nothing.

I'm not saying anything's wrong with that, but I'm not getting, like, old European ground on that. I'm getting that for sure. Like, she looks like she, you know, she really knows her way around a kitchen. I'm just going to say this. First of all, love all these ladies. Second of all, the woman that I picked in the darker pink just looks like she'll fucking, she knows all the answers. She'll fuck your shit up if you get out of line.

She does look kind of like jersey and smug in this. She looks like, she's like, I've seen some shit and I could bake the best fucking casserole you've ever seen. She looks like she just talked to a medium and she doesn't like what they said. Well, she looks like her grandchild that has green hair just came home with their friend. and she's just like, what's this relationship? You know what I'm saying? She's, she's feeling it out. But those are some sick nightgowns, dude.

Wait, they got, they got more. We're just giving this Etsy page just a full on plug. Now we're talking. Are these, are these them, though? Are these, like, actual women who make these? I have no idea. I'm going to be honest. Yeah.

I mean, shout out to them. Ooh, she's grabbing prop. This woman is like, yeah, she's my number two for sure. And now this is a. fucking grandma. Look her hair, bro. Look her hair. I bet you this woman was like a model. She was like her hair is just like flowing. It's thick. It's thick.

Do you see this? Yaya was a model. Yaya was a beauty pageant queen. She was Miss. From Astoria. Miss Astoria. She was Gloria from Astoria. We're just full on plugging this Etsy page now. Well, that didn't have to be on screen. I was just seeing if it was them or not. And who was your favorite mine?

Yeah. And who's number two? Number two is hard, man. So you're going to have to make this. Quick, quick, quick. green nice I love that she seems very sweet honestly all of them

she looks like she's literally three foot tall though so I came across a TikTok page one day which it got the waterworks going and it was a guy who's like he goes to like

I think he started off by himself going to like pride parades and stuff like that and his whole thing was just like hug a dad

or play catch with the dad because a lot of people you know in LGBTQ plus community didn't have that relationship with their parents. So he started a thing where it was just like, oh, I'm going to go to these pride parades

and pride rallies. And I'm the dad. And like, you can talk with me. I can just give you a hug. We could play catch a little bit. Beautiful. A service where like they just be a grandmother for you would be so sick. We're like, I call them and I just tell them about my day and they're just so proud of

me and then they write me a check for $12. That would be a good idea. I mean, at a certain point, we stop having grandmas. unfortunately he's had worse ideas oh that's for certain there's also a restaurant where it's like all the women who own it are like we talked about this recently they made like a movie about it with right

Vaughn or some shit yeah yeah yeah that's a great the restaurant every like week there's a different grandma cooking her home meal or something be honest if you hear that doesn't make you want to go to a restaurant more like if that's the gimmick yeah me too absolutely I went to an Italian restaurant once in Jersey and the whole thing was

just like the chef the chef was just an old italian woman it wasn't like uh like a you know with like the pen and the thermometer in there it was just an old woman wearing a nightgown i like when things feel uh very simple and family owned places too like the kid who's working the front is clearly 13 yes and this is illegal but like he's the guy's son or whatever the fuck and then the mom's doing whatever and she's you know what i'm saying like i like that that kind of place. I went to a place actually when I was in Switzerland, and this is like a different type of vibe,

but I really appreciated this too. It was known for like steak or whatever. Oh, yeah? And there was an open pit in the middle of this place, and there was a guy there in a shirt that looks like he's been working there for a hundred years. It's covered in like soot and whatever. The smoke is pillowing right into his face,

and he cooks all the meat right there. And like, obviously that guy is, you know, on the last thread. Yeah. Because of the amount of smoke inhalation that he gets on every shift. But I was like, I like this. You know, like, it's not hidden. It's not in the back.

It's not 10 guys. It's one dude. Just being like, I'm going to fucking meet. There needs to be a place for that. Like, there needs to be like, don't get me wrong. We've been to some like fine dining, restaurants and stuff like that. And I love them. And those experiences are great.

But I also love just like a restaurant that's just kind of like being held together by like fucking sticks and stuff. stones. Like, it's just like, everyone is just like, they all are family. They all know each other. No one really gives a fuck about like, you know, too much, but also they want you to have a good experience. Yeah.

When we were in, I guess it's a Europe thing. When we were in Ireland, there was a guy, I went to a breakfast place. And there was just a guy that worked there. And he didn't do anything outside of just yelling at people. Someone's going to do it. He was just berating every single person. Didn't he say you were gay or something? Yes, he called me gay for ordering tea.

Right, yeah. He did. He very much so did. That's great. But, like, didn't, like, seat me, didn't, like, get food for me, didn't take the place. Did nothing outside of calling me gay for getting tea. Hey, man. He's earning his paycheck.

I just went to a place where the waiters, or the waitress's daughter was also in a little, like, waitress outfit with, like, the apron and everything. And the bartender had her bring over one Coke to a table. And it was, like, everyone was watching. And I looked at the bartending. He went, it's a gamble every day. time because she was like, you're like this. Also, like, if you go to a place

like that and you become like, if she drops that and you're just like, you're a fucking piece of shit. No one, no one, no one's gonna get mad at that. No, dude, there are people that would get mad. Like, if that's the situation, play with it. Have some fun.

Let them do it. Like, let them take your order and, you know, like, give in a little bit. I was thinking, giving this very little child, the responsibility of bringing a full glass with like a little tray. I feel like that teaches them a lot, like, with responsibility and, like, fear.

Dude, when I was a kid, I one time tried to bring the turkey to the table, and I dropped that shit in the kitchen, and I just put it right back in the place. Really? I swear to God. Yeah. My mom was like, oh, I'll bring it. I wasn't, like, super young. Like, I was, like, 13, 14. That's a little older. That's a little older, right? I mean, it was just

like a full accident. It wasn't like, I wasn't, like, strong enough. It just, like, was a slippery chicken. Or turkey. Yeah, absolutely. Shit hit the ground in the kitchen. I was like, Well, it's like kids at a certain point love to like cosplay working like adults. So like sometimes at the house Ruby and Mave will play workers. So like if I'm like working on my computer, they'll pull up their toy computers. And Ruby will pull up like both of them will pull up pen and paper and they'll sit there and they'll write step down and they'll type on their computer.

And then there's like, oh. You know. Fucking guy. Yeah. And then like sometimes they'll like just like walk up to us and be like, all right, what do you want to order? And like it's it's plate time Miles made me a cheeseburger once Miles made you a cheeseburger

Ruby made me A French fried pie or something like that Like we were at my in-laws the other day French fried pie It doesn't sound awful That sounds incredible Really? A pie of like French oh I guess fry

I was thinking like French toast for some reason Oh imagine a French toast pie Bro Hold on hold on hold on French toast pie sounds fucking incredible Is that not just what regular pie Like filling is Not filling but like the topper

Because it's normally dusted in, like, cinnamon sugar. I need more. What about... Let me ask you this. We're all over the place today, brother. That's fine. Stuffed French toast. In-out.

I haven't really gotten into it. Wow. What does it get stuffed with? I had one that was stuffed with... It was, like, uh, bananas and, uh, frosted flakes cereal. And Nutella. Where did you go? Peter Pan?

What fucking place did you get that? I forgot where, but it was a restaurant I went to a breakfast spot once. Oh, it was a real place. It wasn't like, oh, Miles made it. It was like, I have an idea. No, it was very real. Wait, you went to a place, and on the menu, they had French toast that was stuffed with frosted flakes, bananas, and Nutella.

Yes. And you said one of those. Yes, I did. That is outrageous. Why? Why is that outrageous? It's a crazy order, dude. I mean, that sounds delicious, does it not?

I Yeah What would you Would you rather me have gotten? I don't know A protein omelet A protein You know what

Let me not get anything With whimsy on this menu Let me get one Green omelet What What? What's that a Dr. Seuss thing? A green omelet

No like how they do Like it's like an omelette Stuffed with Green Bell Peppers and broccoli And shit like that Like no It'll be a little whimsical Dude you're not in on

Stuffed fucking I don't think so. Because sometimes they like stuff shit like it. It's like too sweet. Like they put like cream and strawberries and like I'm just like, uh. Now I mean, it's barely the thing that I want now.

Now it's just bring. I mean, you just do big Texas toast. Yeah. But also like that kind of thing, even when you go to a place and they, you order pancakes and it comes out and it's a fucking bed sheet of pancake.

I'm like, oh, who is this for? Yeah, I'm not eating this. Yeah. I get what you're saying. It's too much. You want an even balance.

I want to be able to eat a pancake and not feel like I'm eating a cream with a side of pancake. You know what I mean? What was the thing that you got in Vancouver? It was called something. Panakoken? Pancockin. Well, because first of all, I don't know if we've openly told this story.

Bannikokin? I don't know if we've openly told this story. You want to get to the fucking ads first and then I'll go off about these fucking panicoke How do you spell that? There was Kay's in there. It's a chain. It's a chain. How do you spell it?

No, there's K's K's. There's K's K's. It's like a chain in Vancouver. Panacolkin. There you go. Yeah. Yo, this shit was fucking big. It looks like a crepe.

It looks like a tortilla. It was like a mix of a crepe and a pancake. It was fucking big. Panacolkin. All right, but we do have some ads and this podcast is sponsored by Better Help. But Better Help is online therapy. So if you want to get some therapy, you can with Better Help. I suggest.

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and maybe you're kicking back with an angry orchard why don't you throw on the patreon patreon patreon dot com slash the basement yard is the subscription service that we tell you guys about every single week why because it directly supports us and you get a little bit more of us and you get these weekly episodes earlier too so go check it out at patreon.com slash the basement yard take a gander at what we got going on over there there's different tiers each of them have their own perks that first tier is going to get you these weekly episodes one whole week in advance and then that second tier you get exclusive episodes every single friday so you can start your work week and your work week with the basement yard and then there's some santa got a studios in there

there's opio there's so much going on so go check it out at patreon.com slash the basement yard you guys have been overwhelmingly supportive and we are so appreciative and we want to thank you because that directly affects and influences everything that we do here. So thank you so much. Patreon.com slash the basement yard. Yes. And I know what you're asking yourself. If I sign up today, am I just going to get what comes out after I sign up? Uh-uh, uh-uh, you'll get everything available, everything that has previously been available. So whether you're going back to school, whether you're starting a new job in the fall, whatever you got coming up, let Patreon, let the basement yard be a part of it. Patreon.com slash the basement

Yard. And if you want to sign up or you want to give it as a gift, do yourself the favor, save yourself a couple bucks by going to a web browser and doing it that way. If you use the smart app, it's going to take a couple extra bucks from you. You know, it'll add up through time. But if you want to save the money, do it on a web browser. So patreon.com slash the basement yard. We love you. We thank you. And guess what? We're back doing shows. What? Are you kidding? We're so excited. We are really, really pumped. These shows are going to be a lot of fun. We have been putting together what the run of show is going to be like, and it's going to be entirely different from those old shows that we did previously.

But something that we are doing is we want to do more audience interaction because those cards that we did during the first two rounds of shows were so fun, we want to do them again. So we have gone and used the website again, the basemanyard.com slash submit. If you go there, you'll be able to put in what show you're coming to, what night you're coming to, and then you can submit a picture. It's going to be a visual representation of what the cards basically were. So if you go, you submit a picture, out of context, crazy, kooky, banana, whatever. And then you add some context if you want.

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We love you. We appreciate you. get right back to you. What was I going to ask before? I said, like, we'll get to the ads. I said something. I was like, we're going to get to something.

We're going to get to the ads. The last note I have is stuffed toast. That is French. Can't believe that. Fuck. I forgot it. Panicokin? Oh, yes.

The panic. Paniccaf. I didn't write that down because I couldn't spell it. Yes. We did the show. I don't know if we publicly spoke about this. I know we joked about it at some of our shows, but we did the just for last comedy

festival in 2025 at the queen mary theater i think that's where we're doing the show again this year right or this this just go around queen elizabeth queen elizabeth forgive me different queen i don't want to upset anyone one of them's a ship but mikey our videographer and video genius extraordinary uh he lived there for a little bit didn't he and he said like where could we were like where could we go for good breakfast and he told us a place but like we didn't know it was like going to like IHOP. It was like the IHop of Vancouver. It's called the Dutch.

De Dutch. And Greg took a video and you like pan and you see like, you know, Mikey gets his avocado toast and everyone else gets a seemingly sensible breakfast. And then you pan toward me and it's just a fucking pan of cocaine. It's a pan of cocaine. All right. Yeah. But it was on like, it was a big plate. It was a big pan of cocaine.

It was big. But whatever. Yeah. We had a good time. There was fresh fruit on there, so that was my healthy part of it. Right. You know, and there was a lot of whipped cream on there. Certainly.

I didn't skimp on the syrup that I put on there either. You know, if you're going to koken, pan a koken. You know what I'm saying? That's the tagline for them. I think so. Yeah. Have you ever not finished a meal? Ooh, that's a good question.

Yes. The answer is yes. I can't tell you when. Like once or twice, I don't, I'm not counting that. Like, 97, like, what percentage of meals do you completely finish you? Um, I would say a good, over 90, definitely. Easily. Over 90%?

Over 90% I'm finishing the meal. And like, not just the main of the meal, like the sides as well. Wow. It's very rare that I don't. Very rare. I mean, fair? Yeah, you've said that numerous times that you're like, I don't want to waste the food.

That's all my plate. Yeah, I think, I think it's a, it's just, it's a combination of my insatiable appetite. And I, like, feel like I paid for this. I'm going to fucking eat it. All right. There you go. Is that crazy? No, it's just aggressive.

Really? Is that aggressive? I feel like leaving aside is fine. What is the average percentage of a meal that you finish? Let's do that. Oh. Over. 80.

Over 80? 80% of each meal Yeah, yeah Okay I mean at a restaurant Yeah Have you ever like Because I think I saw that you had posted

When you and Nicole were in Portugal You were like if I had no pride I would lick this plate How many finger No How many plate licking Meals have you had? Oh no

I mean that was because it was like This dessert and like Whatever thing it was sitting in Was like unbelievable And I was like Oh my God Really? Like if I was home

I'd be licking it like a fucking cat What would have to happen For you to do one of these Oh, not much Oh, you're Yeah, I'm not above that I've been talking about like putting this thing up to my face Like I just want Wimbledon

And just like, you know what I mean? Would you do? I mean, I guess if you didn't do that For that dessert in Portugal You're not going to do that for anything else Yeah, I mean Licking a plate in public's crazy It's a tough look

Is it? Yeah All right, maybe you don't bring it up to your face But like, sneakily, it's worse? Is that worse? I think it might be worse. Really? She's like, oh, let me smell that?

I'm not even saying that. Like, just be open about the plate licking. Is it a bowl? Because if it's a flat plate, your nose is hitting the plate probably. You can't have your nose. Brother, you could put your tongue out further than your nose. You can't? No, yeah, you could.

You could put your tongue out further than your... Can you do it? Turn your head. Turn your head. Not that far. That's too much. You're curling up. Yep, that's further than your nose, brother.

Oh, cool. Absolutely, look. Yeah, but how far? Let me say. You're down. You got to go straight. Also, turn your head more for the camera. Your shit is so curved.

Oh, yeah, you're fine. All right, all right. I'm worried about it getting stuck out there. Was I curving up a little bit? You were like, it was kind of like a wave. I got a big ass nose, though, too. I guess if I, could I hold it? Are you saying?

It really does look like a piece of meat. I mean, we eat beef tongue, cow tongue. What is it called? Have I eaten that? I don't know if I had. Yes, we have. We had it together in Ireland. Did we?

Yeah. Oh. You ate one side of it, I ate the other. Yeah. That's the joke. No, they like prepared it on a plate at that restaurant we went to in Dublin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot about that.

What does that taste like? It was good. Whatever is like made with. Quite tender. You're not in? That was a stretch. You had said something before we about the most romantic cities in the U.S. Yes.

So Forbes. I believe it was Forbes recently did a study about the most romantic... I haven't. And you wrote Frobes. I did. I did. Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot.

Frodo. They did a study, and apparently they revealed the most romantic cities in the United States. Per Agillis report. I don't know what the hell that is. But there are five destinations

for romance-inclined travelers looking for a domestic holiday. I'm going to give you honestly there were two on here that I was pretty surprised by two that I'm like all right one that I was just like huh like but there's two that I was just like what I couldn't get it do you can you think of any romantic cities in the United States nothing like stands out to me the only thing I'm thinking of is like New York

okay yes New York was the most romantic city in okay now I'm fresh out they earned the top spot in the study with over two hundred and twelve romance related searches per 100,000 and residents. Earned high engagement across all categories for romantic walks and hotels to couple activities and date night ideas, making it the ideal spot for planning a proposal, anniversary, or whatever memorable vacation you want as a couple. Chicago?

Chicago is on there. It's four. Okay. Chicago, that's a good one. But like, you have a good food scene. So is it just like good restaurants? Big cities. It's like dense cities, I guess.

Because like I can see, I guess I don't live in Chicago, and we've only been briefly and twice, or at least I've only been briefly and twice. And it's, I don't know of anything romantic there, unless like you love Wrigley Field. I've done a, like near the Bean, there's like a, like, oh, you could do like a walk. It's like a nice little walk there, I guess.

Yeah, and there's, I mean, there's that big river. What's the, is it? The green river? The green river. Well, for St. Patrick's Day, they turn it green. Whatever the name of the river is. Couldn't tell you. Could you do like a cute little boat ride,

on there. Oh, sure. But I can't, and even in New York, I guess we have Central Park. Yeah. We have, like, you know, boat rides around Manhattan. I think it's called just the Chicago River. Okay. That was going to be my guess.

I mean, forgive me for not knowing. Oh, I didn't know it either. I'm not, I'm just saying. But, okay, so you got New York and Chicago. I will be honest with you. If you get these next three, I would be very, very surprised. San Francisco. No.

It's good, good guess. That is a good guess. No California cities in the top five. I would imagine, like, you would see, like, a California, like, but I guess not L.A. Because L.A. is not known. Can you give us an area? None of these are on the West Coast. No West Coast cities, which is surprising.

Providence. No. I haven't been to Providence. Or have I? If I have. I remember nothing about it. With Boston? Definitely not Boston.

Romantic up there. I don't know. I don't know. I should have sweet act. Come here. Suck your cock. Uh, what is, wow. Bozeman.

Is that in Ohio? Montana? Yeah, I don't know. I'm just like trying to name weird places. No, no, no. They're popular cities and nothing on the West Coast. That's West Coast. Mount Rushmore.

That is not a city. Oh. Also. I don't know if... It's in North Dakota, I believe. And would that be romantic? Hey, babe. Let's go look at the presidents.

Let's go look at four old fucking white men carved into stone. History buff? I don't know. Atlanta. No, that's a good one. I thought it... Honestly, when I heard, I thought Atlanta would be on there. Atlanta was not on there.

Is there anything? I'll give you one. Is there Georgia? No. There is a Texas city on here. There's an obvious... I would think that there's an obvious one. Houston? No. Dallas. Austin.

Yes. Austin, Texas. Apparently. Big, big romance scene. Okay. It's cute. They got a lot of like spring twinkly lights and places and stuff like that. Which is cute. I guess. They had a lot of like parks like floral gardens and stuff, whatever like botanicals. Did they have that? I have parks and stuff. I guess it's nice. I think they had a big botanical. So Portland. Well, hold on. Before I, so number three was Austin. Wow. 200.1 romance-related searches per 100,000 people. This city particularly stood out for date night ideas and romantic weekend trips,

showing that Austin's reputation for lively cultural activities and outdoor adventures have preceded it. So it's also taken into account like nature. I'm going Denver then. No. That's what I was like a fuck? No. So we're missing two and five. No.

Are we going too far west? Yes. Got it. Yes. It's, I'm not even Random cities Well hold on

Try to use some fucking Like try to use your brain for doing it Absolutely drill them Nashville Yes Nashville's number two That is the That's one where I was just like

Huh Second place 201.5 searches Best known for its music scene But research shows it has a lot of Soft spot for romance Combination of live entertainment Nightlife and Southern hospitality

Makes it a great destination For couples looking to spend Quality Time Together In a laid back but vibrant atmosphere. Okay. I didn't get that at all for my one time going to Nashville.

Laid back. I wouldn't describe it as laid back in any capacity. I mean, to be fair, I've only been on fucking Broadway. It's laid back in the sense of like you've drank enough and then you have fallen backwards.

I can't. That place was an amusement park of alcohol. Yeah. I mean, if you like country music, that place is probably the most romantic place on the planet. Really? I think so.

Oh, let's go to Luke Bryan's bar. Like, you just name a country singer, let's go to their bar. That's kind of cool. Have you guys stumbled across the guy on TikTok who just makes songs, like, sounding like how Luke Bryan's songs sound? Yeah. Peanut butter on my butt. Peter butter on my tape.

Yeah. Or there was one, it was just like, God gave us fingers and God gave fish wieners. Now, what are we supposed to do? We go to the park, jack them off. Peanut butter on my tank. And it's all like dubbed over like Luke Bryant and like doing like an awkward shimmy on a stage. Okay. All right.

So there's one more city that legitimately blew me away. Orlando. No. Is that warm? Is Orlando warm? No, no. Is that close to where the city is? It's closer than anything.

the other city you've named? Yes, it's close. Miami. No. It can't be Miami. Well, I mean, oh, let's go out for a night of romance at fucking 11. An ocean drive. Yeah.

Let's go see the brightest neon lights you've ever fucking seen in your life. What is it? Is it, is it Charleston? No. That would have been, I thought it would have been like a Savannah or Charleston where it's like just kind of, you know, like a little slower. Is it Am I Are we northeast?

No Nothing in the northeast Outside in New York Well he said Florida was more Baton Rouge No I've never been I thought that was in Europe

Baton Rouge Lausiana Sounds European I think Well it is French Baton lounge So it's a little Midwesty

No Where is it All right You might get here better if I just told you Louisville. The least romantic places you could think of.

This would have been on my like if I would never... Newark, New Jersey. No, hey. I mean, that's fair. But, no. Because people like that close to a major city

are just going to go to New York for romance. Okay. The least romantic place you can think of. D.C.? No. You're just, you're spinning your wheels here.

Do you want me to just help you? Virginia. Duval. Jacksonville? Jacksonville, Florida? Apparently. Yo, if you had told me to name the five most non-romantic places on the planet, four of them would have been Jacksonville.

Jacksonville is a, okay. I mean, I've never been there. So I have family there, and I remember a very different Jacksonville. So it says that the only Florida city to make the top five records 187.9 search. as per 100,000 residents. Thanks to its waterfront restaurants, outdoor spaces, and stunning coastlines. The city boasts strong interests in romantic attractions

and sunset cruises in particular. Maybe, I mean, I've never been to Jacksonville, but it didn't strike me as that, but maybe it is. I mean, the pictures we're seeing on Google here. If I were to ask you... That looks pretty. It does.

That does look pretty. That doesn't look like that's Jacksonville. That's a, I mean, that's a fountain. Someone took a picture from the point of view of a fountain. A fountain's a romantic. You ever see when people get on TikTok and they're filming like they're in Bali or something. They're like,

this ain't New York, New Jersey. Yeah. Or just like, oh my God, Saudi side queen. Have you seen the, I think it's like a temple in New Jersey? Temple. It's like a, it's, I don't want to offend the religion, but like it's like a temple. Look up crazy looking temple in New Jersey.

I swear to God, this is a real thing. Like a Jewish, like a synagogue? I don't think it's a synagogue. It is of a religion. just you just typed up a crazy temple yeah dude i think that's it that first one what the fuck in new jersey i think yeah yeah you know that's in like fucking like oh it's hindoo it's like above camden 96 million dollar hindoo temple dude that's in like people like i saw that i was just like okay the headline says opens amid accusations of forced labor what's going

I mean, I can't speak to that, but like, whoa. That's like in New Jersey. Robbinsville. Yeah. Second largest in the world. Wow, this looks very pretty. It does. It looks beautiful.

I had no idea. There was a giant Hindu population. I mean, I guess, but like, it's just funny because, like, what you're saying, where it'll be like the Amalfi Coast and it'll be like, this ain't fucking Woodhaven. Yeah, yeah. You know. And then it's just this. The scale of this is gigantic.

That's why it's, like, insane that it actually exists in, of all, place is New Jersey. Elephants are so sick. I love elephants, dude. But, yeah, dude, Jacksonville, Florida is one of the five most romantic cities in the country. That's wild. So we're going to Jacksonville, us three? To do what?

Going to date? Yeah, let's go find out why. Let's go find out. Let's go find out. Who knows? Let's go. Who's telling what could happen? I mean, I always just thought it was just like. like high humidity and Marlboro Reds down there. And the Jaguars, baby.

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It became a glun. It's like 72%. Blue glue glun. Ant, you had a thing about pizza. I did, if you want, if you guys were getting hungry. I am very hunky tongues right now. Hungy tongues. Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Honky tonk. I wouldn't say honky tonk. Spend $6 on these pizzas. I mean. Right off the rip. Hold on. Cheese at $1 a steal. Duh.

Wait, is pickle pizza a... Like, is that something that actually is eaten? No. I love pickles. Don't get me wrong. But, like, is that, like, something people order now? I've never heard of that in my life Also truffle mushroom at two

That's crazy Well are they using truffle oil or are they using real troughs I don't know if I would want a whole mushroom pizza I like mushrooms I do too but not like that I like mushrooms quite a bit Mokia veggie pie I'm into I mean I don't I don't dislike it

It just makes it you feel full The only one on here that like I kid you not If I was like with someone and they like Let's get a pie and they asked for Hawaiian I am rearing back and I am fucking like jumping out the nearest window dude Hawaiian pizza

we will be those people it is not it's fucking garbage dude I've never had it but I'll also say a mac and cheese pie I'd be like what the hell are we doing? That's a lot dude what are we doing here a mac and cheese pie

What was like the most I know you used to do barbecue chicken but like what was the most like like over the top pizza that you would have a chicken bacon ranch hell yeah Keith used to get that.

Hell yeah, brother. It's a classic one. It's like a lot, though. Like, I could eat like one slice of that. I can never eat two. I was a big penny slice guy. Used to rip penny slices. Dude, the portobello penny slices, this thing was like, it weighed six pounds.

My order was always a penny slice and a chicken roll. See, I would always do a penny slice and a rice ball. Okay. You seem like pepperoni bites kind of guy. Oh, yeah? What's pepperoni bites? What's that? Wait, wait, why do you say that, like, disrespectfully?

I don't think it was disrespectful I love I imagine he's talking like a pizza pocket It's like it's kind of like a garlic knot But it's pepperoni It's like oh I haven't had that But I'm in

Oh like a pinwheel Yeah but it's smaller even I am still on my journey To find the world's perfect Garlic knot I thought I had found it I brought this up recently But I'm open to suggestions

You're gonna be the garlic knot guy I love garlic nuts Really I love like the Portobello What's the percent of garlic knots do you think are good? I don't think it's that high. 12%.

Oh, wow. That's lower than I thought it was going to be. I've had bad garlic nut because it is such a fine line. Yeah. Such a fine line. It needs to be the perfect amount of garlic. It can't be too doughy. It needs to be a little crispy, crunchy.

Portobello's, they set the standard and I've yet to find the perfect one. Those were good ones. Sometimes you get garlic knots and you're like, this is a dry freak show. I used to get, there was a place I used to get up in Connecticut that like they would do garlic nuts, but like they would do them in a pan covered in sauce and baked with cheese on top, which I don't hate, but like I didn't want that. Yeah, now we're getting soup. Soup, brother.

You were getting basically just like a deep dish pizza. Yeah, yeah. Which I didn't want. No, I'm here for the nuts. I want a side, but you're making it a full. God, so good. So if I got to spend $6 here, also loaded tots, what does that even mean? I don't know, but it feels good.

It feels good. Think of loaded tots. You got tater tots. You got bacon. Chives cheddar, sour cream No chicken baking ranch on here is kind of low

Yeah, that is It would be a four though I mean you got a buffalo chicken up there Which is huge Also I'm got a barbecue chicken Which is low-key great Meat lovers is crazy high too By the way

I mean I guess you're paying $4 because you've got The whole 10 pounds of meat on it If you put it any lower Just prize value You gotta go meat lovers Yeah I mean I'm going one I'm going cheese

Daperoni Yeah And now I have $3 So I'll probably, you go buppy chicks. I would either do barbecue chicken or deluxe. Deluxe is too much, dude. Because deluxe is everything, all of it right now. That was a great movie.

But that's what kind of what I like about it. Is that like you can eat one and you'd be pretty satisfied. I mean, I would not only eat one. But like, I can't. Becca's parents do like deluxe. It has like everything on it. And it's just like you look. lose you, it's no longer pizza.

It's everything. It's just everything. So like you're eating more of the toppings than you are. Like, I feel like it needs to be a good balance. Honestly, I'm super cool with doing buffalo chicken and pepperoni. I'm fine. I love pepperoni. I'm such a simple little boy. But you're a buffalo chicken guy? Buffalo chicken is unreal. It looks like it's good.

Looks like it's drizzled with a little bit of blue cheese. Of course it is. Blue is the way. All the self-respected ones are. What would you do? Me? I think you gotta go three pizzas here I feel like getting two You're wasting your money

It's $6. Yeah but you're getting a deal no matter what you fucking get. You only got two pies. A pie now is like 30 bucks. Buffalo chicken pie will get up there. I would say barbecue chicken Give me loaded tots and a cheese. I don't know what loaded tots is

But I'm willing to try. I'm not a fan of pepperoni. Really? You're not a pepperoni guy? No. Interesting. I love when they're little pepperonies And they're like curled up

So they become little bowls Those I like. You know what I mean? That's pepperoni. Yeah, but it's a pepperoni. It's not, though. That is, though. It's a different thing.

Like a thick cut, like a little cup. You know, you know, like the little tiny ones? Yeah, that one's good. They, like, curl up. Yeah, that one's good. God, I love pepperoni, dude. Yeah. I saw this video one time of this place.

They, like, had a bunch of pepperoni, and they bake it, like, in the oven. And then they take it out, and there's, like, a bunch of juice, obviously. The oil. They put that into a, like, a plastic squirt bottle with some, sauce or whatever and they mix it up. Hell yeah. And they put mad pepperoni and then they put that on top. I'm like,

hell. Yeah. Absolutely heart's going to absolutely cease to exist. But that's, that's a great pie. But like, that's when you get a slice. If you get a pie of that,

yeah, it's a wrap. You're basically, what do you think that is calorie-wise? A pie, a standard 18 inch, not good. Fucking 5,000?

It might not even be the calories. It might just be like what it is. Oh, just like the saturated fat content. Yeah, you might as well just like put your lips around the fucking exhaust of your car and rev the engine.

Also, I'm not against going veggie pepperoni barbecue chicken because as long as there's some of the stuff going on there, like the I like a pie that has a lot of different things on it. Really? If you're going to get two pies, do barbecue chicken and

deluxe. It's just a better value. I mean, I guess, but like I just, I like the taste of buffalo chicken. I like the little spice, hence why I like the pepperoni. I don't hate the buffalo chicken. It's got a little like, it's not spicy, but it's got a little like it's, it's flirting with spice. Yeah. You know, it's in the name. Pepper. Hawaiian in the three. What's that about? That's bananas. No one's taking that. I'm telling you

right now, Hawaiian doesn't deserve its place in like, there should, there should be a fake pizza place that like when they take orders and they say like, all right, I'll get a Hawaiian pie. Like, all right, we'll be right there. And then they just egg their house. I need to try a Hawaiian slice just to see what all the hype is not about. Can I build a pizza for you quick? What about this? At Volvo, safety is not a feature. It's our purpose. Rigorous crash testing. Decades of learning from real accidents.

Innovations that help prevent accidents before they happen and help protect you when they occur. Going above and beyond industry standards. A vision of zero collisions. Volvo's legacy revolves around you because safety is about helping to keep you and everyone around you safe for life. Learn more at VolvoCars.ca. Bacon, pineapple, jalapinos.

What about that? You lost me at the pineapple. No, but you get spice and you get the sweet and the salty. I don't like cooked fruit. We just did a whole episode where people yelled at me because I kept saying how much I hate fruit. What if it's not cooking? You still have pineapples. Like a cold.

Yeah. I'm cool with like a, ooh, there was the place at the old studio that did like they drizzled like hot honey on it. Now we're talking. Like a spicy pepperoni, like a super spicy pepperoni, like a super. spicy pepperoni with hot honey. I like the spicy so prosoda pieces. Yeah, dude. I'm into that.

You know what I do also like? White? Yeah, I don't mind white. It's all right. But I've had a bruchetta piece where it was just like loaded with brichetta. Bruchetta? Yeah. What is that again?

It's tomatoes, garlic, onion. I thought it like it seems like it's just tomatoes. Well, I mean, it's mostly tomatoes. Bruchetta. Yeah, it's like tomatoes and like... There's cheese in there too. Oh, yeah. But like that on top of pizza?

Yo, balsamic glaze. Yeah. I, like, love it. I love that shit. I love balsamic glaze. I sent a picture to Dylan the other day. For like breakfast, I had Becca's sourdough toast with... She's been growing fucking tomatoes out of the garden,

and they've been incredible. sliced on top of there with some shave Gouda cheese and balsamic glaze Dude Balzamic glaze It fucking punched me in the mouth Kissed me back in the mouth And then punched me in the ass

That's good I love balsamic glaze dude If I could like submerge my body into something It would be that I think It's got to be good for you right No Any glaze anything that tastes that good is no shot It's not a lot of sugar

Medium take Bursetta sucks one of the worst things you've ever said. It's not a hot take. It doesn't suck, but you can fuck it up if the cracker is impossible to bite. I hate that they put it on the hardest, like, pieces of bread. I don't know what to say to either of you guys right now. You like that?

I like brichetta. I just don't like when they put it on this stale-ass piece of bread. I'm not saying stale, but, like, if it's a piece of, like, Melba toast, I'm in. I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that is. Melba toast. It's like the little, like, crackers that you find in, like, mix.

If you have to make up different toasts for this to taste good, that's not. No, no, no, no. But I'm saying, like, if it's like the perfect biteable size and it's crunchy on top of everything that you get, you know, melba toast, dude. No, see, this is the kind of shit I don't enjoy. Get the fuck out of here. I'd rather it be like an actual piece of bread, not just like fake bread. This is like, you know.

I mean, it's a cracker. Eh. You want to, wait, so you just want it on like a piece of fucking white bread? No, no, no, no. I want it to be on like the little pieces of bread that are like this. Like a baguette. Like a baguette that they cut in an angle or something. That's like a little toasted, but not like hard.

Like I'm eating like a dry cracker. Oh man, I love it when it's crunchy on a dry cracker. But then I take a bite. Everything goes everywhere. It's tomato. No, if it's the perfect bite size, you could fit the whole thing in your mouth. Open your mouth. Oh, I'm not going full brachetta in my shit.

Why not? Because you need to take two bites. I mean, at least. I so disagree with that, dude. If it's stacked with shit. I saw, but like if it's just the perfect amount of it, like, look, look. Perfect. You know what also I'm a big fan of?

people have a dish out and it's just like a fresh fucking freezing cold tomato and then a piece of of uh of uh mozzarella cheese and then you get the balsama oh yeah oh yeah and then you throw a little fucking prosciutto on there yeah you know what i'm talking you know what i'm talking have you had prosciutto on pizza like a fig uh hell yet like a fig glaze you know fig jam is fucking crazy oh i god bless the person who found that out the neanderthal that invented that. I think it was a little later. Probably.

They weren't fucking with figs. They were hoping they didn't get molded at. It was a tough time. But fig jam, my God, unbelievable. I love that stuff. I'm in on fig jam. I'm clearing out the fig jam. I'm putting my finger in the little glass jar.

Yeah, you're licking it? If it's at the end, yeah. I'm telling you right now, there's like the, I don't know what brand it is, but it comes and it looks like it has like folded paper on top of it, and it's like, oh, man, dude. when it make it look like it's like like a pioneer woman yeah it looks like it's just like yeah you know exactly it's got a little dress on yes it's got like got all dressed up for daddy's mouth yeah oh fig jam i know i got you that's great fig jam yeah fig jam it in your mouth

that's a great tagline fig jam jam jam it in your mouth is it's not i mean it's not great it's definitely like risque it's out there you would have to like sell the board i mean but i think that like that's what everyone's doing now like Like, fucking Tom Brady's just like, here, have some of my good nut. So, like, San Diego Studios fig jam company where it's just like jam this in your hole. Jam. Jam this in your ass. No, but see, if you specify ass, then you've narrowed down to a specific market.

Yeah. It could get sued if people do it. What would we call it? Jam. Figgy time. Well, figgy time. Jamming in your mouth. Figy time.

Jam this in your hole. Whole jam. No. But we spell it like whole. I'm just like a fig jam. No, like whole jam. Like like you spell it like the whole of something. Yeah like w like so it's like oh the it's like a whole jam.

Or if we get like silly with it like whole food. Pump up the jam and it's just like remember that song? Well that's just up to jam. Oh okay. I'm sure no that has never happened before. It's happened you know pump up to jam pump it up why your feet says dumping. How do you feel about like strawberry jam or grape jam, whatever, that's in the plastic squirt bottles? I'm fine with it.

Really? I despise it. I do like this sound. It's like an ASMR sound of like the fucking butter knife hitting the glass. But then I got this like, I'm making a fucking peanut butter and jelly. And this thing's quefen all over me. I don't need this thing. I like it, but like I don't like when I like let go and it like it sucks back in.

Yeah, it's butthole. That I don't like when it like resucks in. own jelly. Yeah, I don't like that shit at all. Also, ketchup. Figure it out. It's a little wet. What is that?

Even when I shake it sometimes, it's like, I still get a little pee. I'm like, bro, come on. I think ketchup, it's the hole for the ketchup opening on a ketchup bottle is too big. We need to go back to the older, like, more like narrow squirt bottles. What? Like, when you have like a thing of Heinz ketchup, the hole that this ketchup squirts out of. Yeah. Also, make it universal.

Are you having the rubber around this hole or are you just going to not? Because sometimes I think there's rubber and I go like that and there's ketchup everywhere. And then sometimes I do a little one and I have to like squeeze until I'm shaking. You know what I'm talking about? No. You know what I'm talking about. Well, I only really use the squirt ones these days. But the squirt ones, some of them are like bigger mouths and they don't have any like sealant, like rubber sealant on the inside.

Oh. And then there are other ones that do have that. Right. they need to make it universal. I use the one that has the seal. But it does come out. I ask. I'm just saying like that hole,

whether it be on the sealing one or the non-sealing one, too big. Yeah. Go a little, go a little smaller. Well, the one that I usually get, like you have to like really press it for the ketchup to come out.

And this thing's coming out violently. Like mad quick. Listen, I know I'm going to upset you here. I do think that design wise and bottle-wise, we peaked at the easy squirt green and purple. it's the same bottle no it's not it's got like the twist

top and it's a smaller hole at the top twist top well the one I advise is twist up really yeah so it's twist top and it has rubber on it? Wait what twist top what do you mean about that where like it's like you like take it and you twist it like that and it kind of like opens up and then like the little like

nipple in the bottom like sinks down no no no like a sports drink now like a syracia yes exactly saracha bottles right right right saracha I don't like those because they always get so like there's like schmegma on the top of them. Yeah, there is. Oh, that's bad. Oh my God. You know, it's I could always get, like, there's certain bottles where you're like,

bro. I just pull back a little bit and wipe it off. Well, like, that happens whenever I have like Frank's red hot bottles. Pull it back a bit and wipe it off. Yeah, I, I, we know who's not certain. Yeah, we know what you got going on. No, I'm chopped. You're rolling with a full chop. You're chopped? I'm chopped. Yeah. On, in the pants. Where else would you have been chopped? Chopped is also a thing for a little. Oh, yeah, you're Yeah, I'm not doing that. Oh, chopped used to be high.

I'm so chopped. Yeah. Chopped used to be high. Oh, yeah. Back in our day, it was like when you were chopped, you were zuted. You were sauced. Sausted's drink. I mean, tomato potato.

Yeah. Either way. I encourage my ketchup to pee first. And then I... I mean, just one of these. Sometimes it doesn't work. I also get, I don't know about you guys, but I get unnecessarily angry when I go to, like, put ketchup on my plate and the thing hasn't been opened yet. I'm like, God, getting me.

Like, it's like the most complicated thing in the world. I get so angry where I'm like, how's this not open? I got more angry because I just got like mayo and I opened it before I tried and it was already open. So it's like that one doesn't have the top on it. I'd prefer it be not open. Like, I'd prefer that like I'm the first one to crack it so I know the usage of this ketchup that I am using. And I'm not even saying at home. I've also been to like parties where it's just like they, I was the first one.

Yeah. I just, I would rather that. be the case. Yeah, I mean, I get, that makes sense, but I, I don't know why. I just am like, oh my God. Yes, sir. Does that make sense? That he would rather be, he feels safest being the first, that like, he's the first one. What do you think people put in there? I don't know, but I just would rather feel safe. Because also there are people that, like, will take a catch up and they'll, like, get a little too close to whatever they're putting it on and it'll get, like, some of the residue on the top. Oh, my God, who are these people? Psychopats? Criminals?

Bad people I'm like that with water fountains I'm like who put their fucking ass and mouth on this thing Dude a good water fountain Huh? They don't make them like they used to Remember when water fountains used to have like Different tips

Like by us they were like rocket shaped tip Yeah And they were good Yeah And then you could put your finger on it and squirt it So like if you didn't want to get your mouth Too close to the thing You can squirt it so it would squirt into your mouth

So it would get it would be whatever this whatever it's kicking up from the spout and then your dirty finger as well double whammy you know now that you said it also the next time you go definitely dirty you're putting your fingers all over it like a park water fountain i've drinking from the waterfowlant at the park a lot growing up brother park water fountains was the most delicious water i've ever had in my entire life and it tasted like the street because literally i can taste a hubcap it tasted like a water balloon. Like that's what I remember

it tasting like. And like metal, metallic water balloons. But it's okay. It tastes like armor. It's okay. I mean, I think by the time we got around to it, most of the lead was out of the water. Oh, I think I was tasting the lead. You got a little lead? A little. A little. Yeah. It felt like I was drinking like feralium? I don't know.

What's the shit in the mercury? In thermometers? Yeah. How does that work? at room temperature it's but like you know what I'm saying yeah I don't know you're asking you wait wait wait wait

I'm asking after everything we've talked about you think I'll be able to provide insight on how mercury in a thermometer works how did they figure that out man I don't know man also what I was just debating like man it's not worth it you know what I think about like back in the day

the thermometer is how they just were like they had the mercury in them and you would just put that in your mouth Yeah, dude, they had glass thermometers that they would put in a kid's mouth and be like, let's see how you're doing. You ever? Or downstairs. Have I ever done that? That's still a thing.

You ever get a thermometer in your butt? I'm sure I did when I was a baby. I'm sure I did when I was a baby too, not as an active adult. Is that something you have to do when they're a baby dealer? I think it's just easier to get a more accurate reading from there, you know. Yeah, but now they do the ear. Right. Well, they have like the guns now.

It's like you're scanning them like they're bananas or something. No, when that fucking doctor would put that metal, that plastic thing and, like, shoot it off in my ear. You know what I'm talking about? No. Yes, yeah. You know what I'm talking about, right? Yo, that shit was, what? It was like they would take a gun.

They'd go and get, like, a reusable ear thing, and then they'd fucking, like, cock it and put it in my ear. And then, like, press something, and it felt like they were shooting my ear. I know the thing that has, like, a light on it. No, but, like, the doctor one was not that small and cute and quaint. This thing had a fucking, like, tether. It was tethered to the wall. this thing was brolic I thought it was like

he would just like look with like light I didn't I was getting shot in my ear with I don't know what I was getting shot with but that shit was like basically like it felt like he was cocking back a desert eagle in my ear whoa I felt that way about the fucking eye test

I hate that wait what eye test when they were like puff the the air in your eye oh I don't remember that yeah I hated that part you know what was the last time you got an eye exam

a couple years ago they didn't do the I don't remember that. It's for like glaucoma. I don't remember that, no. Oh. When I needed my new prescription. You never seen the thing

which was like you look down and it looks like a hot air balloon and it would be like out of focus and then in focus and then you hit you with a puff. Mm-mm. I don't remember that. I don't know.

I remember that giant fucking thing they put in my eye where they're like... One or two. One, two, one, two, two, three, three, three, three, three, two, three, three. I love that. Let's go to the eye doctor.

What is it? Let's get an eye doctor in here. We got Dr. Mike, but he can't know everything. What is the hell? What the fuck does he know about eyes? He definitely doesn't know what the fuck. He's talking about eyes. No fucking way. He might know medicine and he might know general stuff, but like eyes.

No shot. Fuck you. What do you know about the optic nerve? Opti-optimolologist. You're getting on my optic nerve. Fucking doctor Mike. This guy now he can't tell us about fucking hand-foot mouth. Yeah, he's not an H-FM.

What is it? I don't know. Like an H-FM specialist? You ain't got a specialty in fucking mouths. Was it ear? Oh, EMT. Ear, mouth, tongue. HFM.

I don't know what that means. Hand foot mouth. Oh. Is that a thing? I mean, it's a thing. The last time I went to the eye doctor, they actually didn't do the puff, and they did some other shit.

And then after my exam, she was like, do you want to see your eye? And I was like, I got that shit, too. They showed me like, it's like a map of my eye. Yeah, and she's like, look. And then it was like, fucking Tony Stark, like, building like a fucking car or something.

She was like, look. And it like, it's like on the computer. screen. It turned my eye all the way. Really? I was like, oh my gosh, my eye. Yeah, I think I had the same thing. And it shows all of your like blood vessels and she's like your optic nerve is good. Yeah, it shows like how like light travels. And they're like, it looks good. Looks like a good eye. I'm like, I fucking hope so. Yeah. These things ain't getting, they're just there. Yeah, I can't really. Can you get another eye? I don't know. I do not know. I don't think. I don't think so. You could just like get it like, let me get a different eye. So I feel like they'd be doing that.

I don't know. But I do know that you see everything upside down technically. because the light comes through and like when it gets to like your optic nerve it's upside down and then your brain converts it into right side up or some shit like that. Whoa, is that true? I know fucking more about eyes and Dr. Mike. Oh, we haven't even confirmed that though.

Fuck this guy. I know I know eyes. He knows fucking everything else. Hey, Dr. Mike, you know about upside down sight? No, you don't. Probably not. He's probably because you wear glasses. The fuck do you know?

The lens in your eye projects an upside down image onto the back of your eye. However, your brain does not literally flip a picture back over instead it processes the signals and maps them to your body. The rest of the sentence is outrageous. Like, if you, you know how there are some glasses that if you wear, you can flip like your vision upside down?

No. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? My point is those exist. And if you wear them long enough, eventually your brain is to be like, no, and fix it back. Huh. Fuck off. How long?

You did it? No, but I'm, I'd have to ask Dr. Mike, but I'm like 40%. Your eyes play tricks on it. you. I bet Dr. Mike didn't know that. Technically, you always see your nose, but your eyes just get used to it and don't count it. Bro, you ever see one of those things and be like, these images are actually the same size? And I'm like, no, they're not. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I do the thing where I'll look at them and I'll be like, oh. Or it's like, these are actually not getting smaller and bigger. And I'm like, they are. Well, there's those ones where it's like, it looks like a graphic is moving, but it's like, it's not moving at all. The ones that fuck me up where it's like you can. Well, these aren't the same size. There's no possible... The ones that fuck me up, it's like,

if you look at this thing spinning, you can trick your eyes into making it spin the other way. Yeah. That one gets me, because I'm just like, no fucking way. Or it's like, look right here. All the lines disappear. And I'm like, oh my God, are they disappearing? I mean, those just look like the same size.

Oh. I see the same. They actually don't. That is kind of wild. That's nothing. Perspective is so awesome. Remember the Museum of Moving Images? Yeah, that was cool.

I liked that place a lot. That was pretty cool that place. I love like tricks. Not tricks. What's that? You hate pranks, but you like optical illusions? Yeah, optical illusions are cool. Interesting.

Maybe we'll have to set some up. I went to Halloween Horror Nights once, and they had a Beetlejuice house. And the beginning of the Beetlejuice house, it's a giant room that's like the hypnosis, black and white spinning. Yeah, I know. I know that. And then it just spins, and you have to walk straight. I've been in one of those tunnels. It feels like you're spinning.

I know. I was like fucking, like I'm on a drawbridge or something. Not a drawbridge, whatever. The one that I went to was at late compounds. And it was like you walk over this like metal graded bridge. Yeah. But it's like a tunnel of light spinning. And like you feel like you're going with it.

So like people fucking drop to the ground. The other one that's really cool. I don't know how they did this. It's a room. It's like not a room, but it's like a tunnel. But like the way that they make the light reflect, it looks like the light is making the room get smaller, but the reality is like the tunnel is still the same size. So once you get through, they have like a night vision camera and you could see the people

walking and they're like people crawling because they think they're like getting closed into this room, but it's just a normal-ass room. The brain is tricky, man. We've got fucking Dr. Mike doesn't know about that either. No shot. He knows about perception. He doesn't know his eyes. He's got glasses.

We can't see. He can't see. He doesn't know. He knows maybe about like, fucking like cyclospora. but he doesn't know fucking shit about illusions. Damn. I feel like he might know. Yeah, he probably does.

Oh, yeah. He's way smarter than any of us combined. Yeah, he's got information for sure. Well, that's all we have for today. Thank you guys so much for riding with us until the end. Frank, where can they find you? Frank Alvers all over social media, patreon.com slash the basement yard.

Go check out the baseman.com. Submit if you're coming to any of the live shows. And, yeah. And Priscoe on Instagram and TikTok. Oh, he's got a TikTok. He made a TikTok. Isn't that what you said you're going to do thirst trap videos? That'd be awesome.

I'm scrolling and you pop up and you're hitting a dance. I was on my other account. We should do a bet one day and that's the punishment. You've got to learn a TikTok. Why just me? No, it's everybody. It would be on the bet. No, no, no.

You, brother. What am I betting? So you asked us on an episode how many likes to get you to do an intro for the episode. If in 30 days you don't get that many likes, that's what you have to do. You gave me. It was way too. high. I don't think it was that high. All right, we'll see. Well, then you guys

follow me at Joe Sanagato. Go follow the show at the basement yard on TikTok and Instagram, and that is all. See you guys next time. Yay!