The Basement Yard - A Homeless Man Told Me His D*ck Size

Episode Date: March 22, 2016

I tell you about the time a homeless guy went nuts & screamed his d*ck size on the train & an upcoming project I'm working on Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome back to the basement yard it is Monday March 21st 2016 one of my buddies birthday to sit but fed said to can't fucking speak fuck it Jesus I'm getting dumber by the second one of my friend's birthday is today Anthony DeVino I think he's 26 or 25 I don't fucking know who cares we stopped counting after 21 right happy birthday Anthony DeVino even though you're not fucking listening to this cuz you're a piece of shit we went out for his birthday this weekend I think I mean we all just kind of went out but I didn't say happy birthday to him because it's birthdays today but yeah we went to McFadden's in the city which I'm not

like a huge fan of I don't know why I'm just not like a huge fan of the place but it was fun actually had a great time they played like backstreet boys I was like what I was psyched girls were like alright this kid is I don't know if he's gay he's really excited right now but I was it was really excited but what the hell is I gonna say Jesus oh I got hammered at that place it was an open bar it's like $30 and it was an open bar for like four hours or something and I was hammered and I could tell I was drunk because of the way I woke up like usually when I go to sleep I have to take off my shirt and my socks because I

just get like itchy or just I don't know it's weird but if even if I like if I forget to take off my socks and I go to sleep that I wake up and they're just somewhere else they're like in the pillowcase next to me under the bed across the room they're not anywhere to be found like they're just gone they just disappear from my feet I don't know if someone's doing it or if I'm doing it in in like my sleep I'm getting up and throwing socks across the room but they just don't stay on my feet but I knew I was hammered because when I woke up I was fully dressed like which means I came downstairs I remember saying good

night to my dog because he's in a cage right next to my bed so I came downstairs and I remember laying on the ground and saying oh hi you just gotta sleep like don't cry please Jesus don't shit in there either but I kept outside good night and then I went to bed and then I don't know I woke up in shoes socks jeans boxers a shirt and a hoodie and the hood was up on the hoodie that's how dressed I was so that means I was fucking ripped that's how drunk I was because I went to bed like that but it was a fun time I wasn't as drunk as my friend Frank he was pretty fucking lit up he made me my friend Nick for his

birthday got a championship belt like a wrestling belt like and it's heavy it's at least like 20 something pounds it's heavy you know what it means like an actual belt and like you could hurt someone if you hit him with it so I walk into my friend Frank's house where we're like pre-gaming and the belt is there and he goes you know I won two matches so the belt is mine do you want a shot at the title and I was like yeah so the first 20 minutes I just spent wrestling this kid long story short won the title but he was hammered man this kid was fucking screaming I got videos all over my phone whatever anyway sorry

about my dog on the last episode by the way because he was going apeshit fucking nuts he was screaming like the last 10 minutes but he's a puppy he doesn't know what the hell's going on he's actually a lot better he's running around upstairs while my mom and my sister watch Magic Mike that was such a weird thing usually like before I record these I go upstairs and tell people like you know either I'm recording a video I'm recording a podcast so that if they come like so they don't think I'm fucking crazy if they hear me like who's this kid talking to or like who are you with so I worn them and then I will I so I went upstairs and I

was like hey I'm about to and then I see the fucking TV Magic Mike chatting Tatum's grinded his dick all over some stage there's dollars in the air I'm like you know what never mind I just went downstairs I was like fuck it I'll just do this and hopefully no one talks to me but yeah so the other day I wanted to tell you this story because it just reminded me like I was on the other day I had a meeting with this agent and I had to take the train into the city which is always like you know a thrill up there he goes talk barking I don't know if you guys can hear him but yeah there he goes but I had to take the train to the

city and it's always like a spectacle man if you come to New York City ride the trains cuz you'll see wild shit you're like I've never eaten I didn't even notice I didn't even know things like this existed and there was just a guy on the train and he wasn't looking at anyone he was just kind of like I don't know if he was talking to himself which kept going suck my dick suck suck I was like what is run and and you know it's crazy in New York City like this guy's doing that what like insane behavior right no one is even looking at him everyone's just kind of reading their kindles like I was like this artist like

but what the fuck is a Kindle by the way like just get a book like it's so dumb anyway like it's like an iPad but it doesn't have it's like I don't know whatever I'm gonna have ADD I just can't talk about one thing at a time but so guys just doing that and it reminded me of the story and I told it in a video a while back but I'll tell it to you now for the people that don't know there was actually a time that was on the train this is the best train experience I've ever had my entire life I'm on the train and this guy who appears to be homeless because he looks like he hasn't showered or you know been splashed

with water in a while and he definitely either pissed himself or was wearing a piss scented cologne because there was piss a piss smell and it was coming from his vicinity so I think he was homeless and he sounded like if you ever seen Chuck and Larry or the water boy you know the water boy in the why am I saying that so weird you know in the water boy when like the old farmer coach who was like he can't speak he sounds like that like his voice is like really distinct that's what this guy sounded like and he looked like Santa Claus because he was like a fat dude white hair and he had this beard right so he's on the train

and he's just like he's furious at nothing like and I'm just like I don't I don't know I was like we're in for a treat here you know so so this guy just starts screaming right what the fuck I wish I could do his voice but I can't but he starts going apeshit he turned to some woman some like little Asian woman and goes you're a wannabe cock and it's like no one's reacting and I'm dying like I'm not dying out loud like I'm in I'm internally dying well that sounded dark no but I was like laughing but like try not to let this guy see me because I'm terrified because I didn't want him to like you know charge me or something

so so he says that to this woman and like I'm trying my best to stay like calm in the face but it's hilarious and but he's caught me because I was like I couldn't keep it together he's like you're a wannabe cock first of all what the fuck does that mean she wants to be a cock now that like she wants to have one or enjoy one that she wants to be a cock right so I was dying at that and then he looks at me and this is all true I can't even like make it up it's like weird he looks at me and he goes what the hell you laughing at tit fucker and I just like lost it he called me a tit fucker and I was like oh like yo I was

dying and now people are looking at me like I'm fucking crazy right and I'm looking back at them like how are you guys not finding this funny like and I was like I was purple I couldn't breathe I really couldn't breathe because I'm you know when you know when something's just way funnier because you're trying to like hide the fact that you're laughing it just made it worse I was so afraid that this guy was gonna charge me and he calls me a tit fucker oh god I laughed like out loud like twice I was like haha and then I held it all in for the for the rest for the rest of the laugh but yo it was nuts and then and then he said

oh then he said something like I don't care you're all pissing to me and I don't know what that means but now I'm just not even like hiding it anymore I'm just dying laughing there's a dude across me who was like smirking and shit and I was like thank you I could share this with someone but then it takes a turn a turn right the guy goes quiet he stops talking and at this point I'm really upset because I thought it was all over but it was not over the guy get like he gets like two minutes where he doesn't say a word and then all the sudden he screams at the top of his lungs suck my nine-inch dick and I fucking lost my

mind I was like what the fuck is this guy saying and he kept going on about it and like I never got visual confirmation I didn't know if it was true I was happy for him dude nine inches very impressive my dick's not nine inches long not even close not even like a good day you know but this guy is over here with nine inches but yo he screams that right and now people are like you know reacting a little looking up no one wants to make eye contact with this guy I don't like I didn't want to look in his direction because I didn't know if it was out I didn't know if it was loose but but I poked my head up I'm not gonna

lie I was like first of all this guy I hope this guy doesn't have his dick out so I don't I kind of looked in his direction to make sure he wasn't headed towards me because he called me a tiff fucker I didn't know if he was like oh fuck I don't know I don't know I was scared but so he says that and then like he stops for another 20 seconds and then he's quiet for another 20 seconds right so I look over at him and he's just staring straight across because he was sitting down staring straight across at this Chinese woman well I felt so bad for you could tell that she felt the heat from his sight on her forehead and

she was just looking at the ground like trying not to make eye contact with him eye contact with him and so he's just like waiting for her to look up and she never did but as he's doing that he says something like oh god what do you say I could try to he said something like I'm not I'm nine inches of solid steel when I'm happy or something like that and I'm like this is this is the best and like there was only four stops left and I was kind of upset I was like I have to get off this train soon you know you know I would have missed my stop and kept riding it but it was I'm the last stop on one of the trains so I had to get off

but yo this guy was fucking nuts it was the best train ride I've ever been on my entire life the guy was out of his mind talking about his nine inch dick are you fucking kidding me Jesus Christ you see the wildest shit on the subway I remember one time if you are from New York City and you've been to what's stop is that oh 59th and likes on this for the sixth platform there's a dude with like purple hair and he wears like a tiny t-shirt and he's go and he goes fucking ham with an accordion he's got an accordion and he's fucking rocking out he's shaking his head and like rocking out to these like weird sounding songs and

I I always take videos of him I gotta upload a video him because he goes ham he like dances and fucking moves around and shit it's awesome an accordion I didn't even like I thought those were extinct like dinosaurs and accordions they just don't they're not here anymore you know they just they just left I don't know who the fuck still who plays that how can you play at the accordion at this age I mean not at this age like in this in this day and age you know that's like playing a harp how do you get into that there's no classes of that in high school you can't you take you play the fucking recorder and then like

the tuba or some shit like who the hell is teaching people how to play the harp or the accordion are there classes for that I don't know I went to like ghetto schools I guess but yes guys playing a fucking accordion but anyway I had that meeting in the city because I'm like well I guess we're buddies now but this guy he's an agent at William Morris and he's like a real cool dude and he wants me to write a script for either a movie or a series or something and we've talked about it you know a couple times I'm just kind of like I don't know like because like a lot of people hit me up for TV but I'm not trying to do TV at all a lot

of people have been asking me that too by the way I just said ask right a lot of people get upset that I say acts because I'm just I don't know I'm from New York I guess or I'm lazy or there's something wrong I have an impediment of some sort but when I'm talking quickly cannot say ask can't do it acts I say acts fuck it it's quick fuck it is that if that's a little bit I am sorry that's what that's what I do what the fuck was I just talking about I lost it there I go it's out the window it's gone it's in the air but yeah he wants me to write a script for a movie or whatever oh that's what I was gonna say people always

ask me about why I'm not on TV or have a show there's been a lot of producers who have asked me to do a show acts again fuck Jesus they've they've requested that I do a TV show or something like that but I'm really not interested in that because I feel like the ideas that I have I can't do on TV because it's either inappropriate or the language isn't TV friendly so I mean and I also believe that TV is a dying thing that's just in my very uneducated opinion to me I think the future is in these streaming apps HBO go showtime anytime Netflix Hulu you know shit like that where people can binge watch no one necessarily wants to

wait an entire week to see the new episode of their favorite show they just kind of want to binge watch you know what I mean so I mean at least that's what I want to do and you know from the people that I know that's majority of them that's what they like I don't really know anyone who has a specific TV show that they tune into every week the only shows that I watch on TV are like ESPN Sports Center a sporting event or like that one channel I'm really into now DIY maybe which is like fixer-upper it's like flipping houses and shit it's awesome but whatever so I just think TV is like a dying thing also so I want to

make digital content and content that I can you know there's no real you know crazy limitations to what I can do with it because if it's you know on TV there's a ton of rules and stuff like that so I don't want to do that but I finally came up with an idea for what the movie or series can be which I'm very excited about I came up the idea and I was like oh I have this and there's this kid that I used to sit next to his name Sal when I worked at Ali daily we were both like editors and producers there and you know he was like my buddy there and he has written scripts in the past and done shorts and stuff like that so I hit him

up and I'm like dude listen this guy I know he has connections he wants me to write a script for a movie or series and I don't really want to write it because you know I can't like I just don't have the patience I have the ideas but I don't know necessarily the format of how to write a script or blah blah blah and you do and you know we get along well let's write this thing together so that's what we're gonna do we're gonna start working on that I'm not gonna tell you what it's about I do think you guys would love it if you like my humor then you should like the show it's a scripted show it's not you know it's not gonna be me just

ranting it's gonna be a scripted thing and hopefully I'll have enough control over it to the point where the people who are in it I get to cast myself and get to pick who's in it because I know a bunch of talented people that don't necessarily get the recognition they deserve so this would be a cool either stepping stone for them if it goes well I don't really I don't really know I mean best case scenario it would be on like a Hulu or a Netflix you know what I mean I don't know where it could go I don't know but it would be awesome and I'm really gonna try and do this but I think you guys would enjoy it's like when I

think of you know I had this idea it's very general right now it's not necessarily suspicious specific don't have character breakdowns or anything like that we'll be working on it next week actually that's a lie I actually told Sal I was gonna send us some shit tonight so I'll probably have to do that later but whatever but yeah I just have a general idea of what it's going to be and I think of like you know just certain situations that could happen and I'm like oh man that would be so great you know I mean I just need the right people to shoot it and the script to be you know perfect and yeah man I'm actually

really excited about it if it gets like greenlit but that would be just awesome man but I really just didn't want to shoot you know a TV show and just be you know a host on some show that's been done a million times and like I don't know man the I've talked to a lot of people and they just want to want to do things that have already been done really and I was just not really interested you know it's just I just didn't want to be like a corny host that can't curse or you know say whatever and I'm like I'm not using cursing as like a crutch by any means but I do I do think that it's part of my authenticity not sure if that made sense

but I think that's it's just like I tend to feel that if someone is cursing it makes you feel comfortable that's a weird like thing but I like I don't curse angrily it's just like in there you know it's just in the fucking thing see I just dressed it up it's just in the fucking thing you're like yeah man it's just in the fucking thing you just think you're sitting there have a conversation with one of your friends that's all I want I don't want to be I don't want it to sound scripted or just like whatever I just want to be able to say what I want to say just not have to deal with a bunch of people and you know

a lot of people just sorry I'm not sorry fuck you but a lot of people just try to sell me on the idea of being on TV like oh you could be on TV and be on this show and I'm not necessarily interested in that like I don't care for being in a spotlight or being famous or like something like that like I want to make a good show so that you know if it you know if it ever happens and it goes out you know when people see it I want them to be like dude this is great this is good not like oh I see you know because like I really just want to impress my friends and family members because those are the people they're gonna keep it

super real with me they'll always say I'm proud of you or you know whatever but for them to enjoy it is a whole other thing like of course you're gonna say oh man you like even if I was on a show that I had no creative you know control over and I was just reading lines that someone else wrote and it was doing very well I would still be upset because it wasn't mine and like my family would be like I'm proud of you for doing that but you know in the back of their minds this isn't my shit this is not what I'm doing you know what I mean at least something like this I can be proud of and when I put it out you know I want

them to enjoy it and be like I can't stop watching it I binge watch the whole season or whatever or you know or if it's a movie I don't necessarily know what it is yet I think a series would be cool but you know we shall see I'll shop it around and see who's interested in it but I'm just like really excited for that man God I hope it happens Jesus Christ what a disaster that would be God I'm so excited I'm sorry and I usually I wouldn't say this you know I mean I wouldn't get people hype about it and who the hell knows when this was happened when this would happen at the bare minimum it would take a year anyway for

this to happen probably I don't really know the timeline but I'm just guessing at least you know what I mean once it's in production I'll keep everyone up to up to date or whatever I don't even I don't even have a script I don't have anything yet I just have an idea that I'm excited about but that is all anyway the NCAA tournament started March Madness if anyone's interested in that if you made a bracket just know that it's probably better than mine my bracket is completely blown not sure what that means but it's all fucked my brackets all fucked I had Michigan State winning the whole thing all right and they're out

and then I had another bracket we couldn't I was now I was 96% correct on all my things all my picks and I had Kentucky win the whole thing they're out so there goes that fucked everything take my money go ahead take it I had my girlfriend make a bracket I was like oh I'm gonna I'm gonna enter a bracket for you I'm not even tell her like what the C's were like which team was better than which I was like I'm gonna name a matchup you just give me a team name and her brackets better than mine she just fucking guess and I was like you got to be kidding me she like picked a bunch of upsets that all happened I'm like this

is this is ridiculous like me I'm over here researching like you know what was her last eight games what's you know who they match up well against who they win against who they look like just all this shit who's a player and you know she has a better bracket than me but that's what they say people who don't know anything they submit brackets and they win they just fucking win because it's it's madness it's March Madness it's March Madness guys Madness oh my god by the way if you're not watching Daredevil on Netflix something's wrong with you man it's the second season they're totally different storylines

honestly I recommend watching the first season it's 13 episodes they're like an hour long each it's not very superhero-y especially the first one like I like you know Marvel and shit like that so I'm kind of into it but like I I can understand how people like my brother Thomas he's like dude I'm not really into the whole comic you know book thing but it's just a good show I think it's just a great show and Daredevil season 2 I'm like on the fourth or fifth episode and it's fucking unreal it's so good it's so good it's with the Punisher you got to watch it man it's so sick but yeah man go watch that fucking show oh god it's

so good and I'm not like get this isn't an advertisement I just like the fucking show I'm gonna watch it right after I'm done doing this shit god damn it and I gotta do laundry I have laundry coming out my ass fucking clothes everywhere dude laundry is the worst fucking thing ever yeah do a lot oh god I just think about it though like I have a washing machine and a drying machine so like I'm just being a bitch right now but can you imagine like back in the day if you had to do laundry I had no clothes you had to put them in a basket that you made from sticks and leaves and shit and then put your clothes in there walk it

down to the river and like like dip it in the river and rub it up against rocks and you thought you were cleaning your shit that's absurd I would never clean ever if I had to do that think about it if you had to do that like in order to do laundry you had to take all your shit and walk it to the nearest river dip it in and then rub it on like a like a rock or whatever this is before that what's those thing called the boards with the ridges on them I'm yeah I'm losing my fucking mind guys now I'm talking about laundry okay I need to get the fuck out of here Jesus Christ anyway should be a new video out tomorrow on Tuesday I have

an idea kinda hopefully I can perfect it by tomorrow I really really recently have been feeling like I am so fucked like I can't come up with ideas at all but it's somehow I always pull it out on Tuesdays so you know hopefully that streak continues haven't missed a video in like two months or three months or something like that so God bless thank you for giving me the strength to come up with video ideas anyway if you guys are interested in sports I have a sports podcast called veterans minimum it's on it's on SoundCloud and iTunes and now you guys can send in if you go listen to it whatever we're gonna do it on the

next episode to come out every Friday we're gonna have people send in audio clips of you know things that they have opinions about we're gonna say hey you know you follow the Twitter at veterans minimum and we're gonna be tweeting out topics and then people can send in their audio clips and we'll play them on the show and just kind of like give feedback on that or questions that they have it's a lot of fun honestly if you're interested in sports it's a lot of fun we just sit there and just talk shit and drink beers all time also I'm on a podcast called invasion of privacy with Kate Wolf female comedians very funny

and that's like a more serious side but it's also we're fucking around talking about jizz and God knows what but it does get serious we talk about serious topics people also send a lot of emails there and that's where a lot of questions are answered from listeners so you know if you have something like that you can listen to those podcasts and yeah man that's pretty much shit those both invasion of privacy and veterans minimum they're both on SoundCloud and iTunes on my SoundCloud I'll be like retweeting you know new episodes of them so you could you know find them easily but yeah that's it and as always thanks

for listening ya motherfuckers