The Basement Yard - Ahmed's Life Is In Shambles

Episode Date: August 9, 2016

On this episode, I have @AntVino, @KeithSantagato, & @ItsAhmeddd to talk about some stuff.. Dude idk, i hate these descriptions. I really do. This is taking forever to upload so I just keep typing. Okay bye. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday, August 8th packed house today. Davino's here. It's good to be here. Oh, yeah And a meds here I am back my token Arab friend is here and my brother Keith Yeah, it's always a pleasure with Keith. I'm already sweating by the way, this is gonna be a long fucking podcast I'm gonna be drenched. I don't know work. So let's speed it up. I'm wearing a thermal. Yeah, what the fuck are you doing? It's summer It's got dress pants on. Wait, where were you before this? Oh, no, you're with your friend I'm sorry. Just to put it out there. There is someone in the audience today KC-24s here Go follow her on the gram that's that's um a meds best friend anyway moving on So can you please explain your outfit because you are wearing?

Pants yeah, and a thermal really tight pants. Well, I have to wear a suit for work Right, so they involve rush me to get here. No, I didn't yes Nobody rushed you bro. It's in the middle of fucking August and you weren't a thermal the fact that they're even in your drawers It's kind of crazy. Yeah, you don't like put it away. I'm immune to this weather. He had to Get it I understand. All right, let's get this going. He had to look good for his best friend Anyway, so the reason why I met us here Is His life is is in turmoil at the moment

That's the only reason why I'm here Please explain why your life has been in turmoil because all right before anything so let me just practice the situation Okay, we all have group chat. There's like 14 of us one day a meds text pops up Bing It says I almost get fired reading this idiots entertainment. Yeah, it says it says Hey guys Does anyone have 18 $1,898 I could borrow legend. That's what he says and we're all like no And then please explain why you are in the hole all right, so I

Was a little broke for a little while and what is a little while? It wasn't my fault You're not broke. I had a wedding to attend you missed four car payments. That's what happened I blame it all on my mom. You had a wedding. I love you. I Yes, I had a wedding to go to right it cost me a good amount of money Cuz I was very close to that person and then Vegas took my soul, right? So what was supposed to what was supposed to happen is my mother was supposed to cover me for a few months Which she said she would and then I get a phone call about a week ago. Was it a week ago? Yeah, it was like last week. Yeah, and I got a phone call that

They were searching for my car Honda and they were gonna take it away from me and they were looking for Can I can I ask you a question? How much are your payments on your Honda? 475 okay now that's where I got to stop him. Yeah, all right when you walk into the dealership a Honda dealership and they tell you Yeah, buddy, your payments are gonna be 489 45 right? He just said I'm coming somewhere with this $475 a month. What makes you think that's okay for a fucking civic Wait, what car you fucking? In the middle of all this turmoil he went out and bought a guinea pig guys thinking that this would balance his life No, I just want you to know something. You see how much shit. I'm getting I just want you to know to stay in at peace with yourself and

Stay happy Honda. Okay enough. Come on. Jesus. I'm trying to get into the story. Thank you I get you know, I get a phone call. They said they're coming to search for my car. They were searching for you They were yes, they've been searching it for it since June and it's August and they didn't find it I told the person if they wanted to get my car was outside of my house Wait, so did you park it in like a crazy spot? No right in front of my house. So they couldn't find that. Yeah, whoever they hired needs to be fired Yeah, that was a bar. So So what happened was I called my mom and I'm like, wow, what's going on? She's like, I don't know. I figure it out. Ba-ba. I was okay. You didn't ask her like hey, my did you make those payments?

I was like nervous and I was at work and right. Yes. Yeah, okay, so I call them and they're like, yeah You haven't paid since May You owe it's August by the way 1898. I'm like, excuse me Yeah, crazy. They're like it was actually 2600, but we'll take away the late fees if you paid today. I was like 1850 no, well, no, it was 2600. Oh My god. Yeah, God bless. Why are you shocked? He just fucking said it Yeah, but the with the late fees. It was 2600. Yeah. Yeah, so listen, so I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna get this money Because they needed it by today. So if I were to hit my savings count doesn't come out till tomorrow

So I was like, forget it. They're gonna get my car. They're gonna take it. So I was nervous So what I did was I came up with a great plan and I texted my friends in the group chat and I did the math And I said that let me take the story from here. So we get a text and it says y'all I need $1,898 and we're like what the fuck happened and then he starts to go in about how his mom didn't pay his car payments Well, like just listen to what you just said your mom didn't pay your car payments I'm like, okay, I'm it and I don't know how the fuck you just don't know That no one's paying your fucking 475 for a Honda, you know, it's also kind of weird that your mom wouldn't give you like a warning like hey, by the way

I just didn't I totally forgot to do that. I didn't fucking do it. Next. She's gonna take you out of the house Don't hate my mom for this. She's a good woman. No, she's a great woman. Yeah, she's 100 a mistake. Um, yeah I'm just kidding. Anyway, so I met starts going so we're like, yo, no one has like $2,000 They're just gonna fucking give you out of nowhere. I wouldn't give you shit Yeah, who's gonna give someone who just missed four car payments and live and learn $2,000 like no one's really expecting But I have a very good job now, so I'm not broke and then we're like, yo, no one's giving you $2,000 He goes, all right, I figured out the math If we split this up evenly, it's $135. Yo, I was so down for that

But I'll give you 130 files and rip it up in front of your face Time out. Let me ask you a question. Yeah, when you did this math When you did this math for when you got to $135 a person, did you leave yourself out of the equation? Yes Yeah, it wasn't me. I'm not putting any money in. Yeah, I counted everybody and then I skipped my name in the group chat Right, okay, so I this money people and then I okay, and I'll pay them back. That's good. That's great Well, then you got the money You got the money eventually. Yeah, so where did it come from? My savings account, right? So you got your savings? Well, no, I got lucky because

The lady said, you know, if you're gonna wait till tomorrow, you just don't know if they're gonna take your car today What happened was I got the money and the the woman the woman Woman woman woman woman woman. Yeah, I know that's fucking hard to figure out woman and women. It's very tough So a woman she said I had to pay before five o'clock. So she's like go to you and what time is it when you get that? 345 no, it was like my lunch break 12 o'clock. Okay, so five hours. Yeah, so I was like, I'm good So what I did was she's like go to Western Union. You have to pay in cash So I was like forget it. My friends attacks to me. I told him that they're like, yo, it's a scam Yeah, I thought it was a scam because who the fuck what Hans is like?

Yeah, I only need cash and you to pay this and then I asked them I asked them for an email They said they couldn't do that. So I was like also shady money's in the garbage. So I go to I Go to this clothing store and there's a Western Union in the corner and there's this Asian lady there, right and She was like, okay fill out the form and everything Western Union. I couldn't tell you I don't know who I paid my money. He was there. I I'm assuming it's like a is it like Chase. No, no It's like a is that that place where like you you give them checks and they give you the cash for it But they take some out. Oh, yeah, that's why I used to do that when I'm a chicken account grow up dick

Anyway, so what happened? Okay? So like I put down my information and the lady took my I don't feel bad It took my paper took the paper for me and she was reading my last name and mind you my last name is Hussein Right, your name's Ahmed Hussein. Yes, I know it's one of the most standard Arab names that it could be. All right, so she took the piece of paper for me and what happened was She read my last name like five times. She was like Hussein Hussein, can you do it in the Asian accent, please? Can you just try I can't just try it just try it. I really can't just try it

I'm gonna just try it. Please someone else right. No, no, no, no, no, I'm pretty sure they could do it I could do I can't I know that's why I want you to do it. I can't do it, but I'll do it anyway I want you to do it Hussein So it was like very it was high yes, and very quick, but she was like laughing at it She's like that's really your last name, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not making this shit up I'm like talking to her like so she was like looking back at her other friends Yeah, she had like yeah She had like four friends and then they started speaking in Chinese or whatever language you're speaking

No, I don't no problem with them. I love them all but Like they were just making fun of me and I was getting fed up Hussein probably means like rim job or something in their language or they're ready to call the cops on me one of the other But I have no idea but they're what an idiot. No, so they like Didn't you say that they said wow you So like the lady and and her friends are laughing I mean that she goes wow you all our money, and I'm like Yeah, my life sucks. Yeah, and I'm like yeah, man a lot of money. I know it's a shit ton of money And then what happens is I give her all the information she goes

It's not working, and I'm like great. I've been sitting here for like two hours already Brutal, I'm like having a heart attack because I'm like they're gonna take my car forget So then she goes, I'm sorry. I can't help you throws my ID back at me Like I'm like yeah, like I'm worthless. Yeah throws it. I'm trying to help I'm like, you know, maybe you spelled something wrong. She's like I don't understand you I'm like what do you mean don't understand me like I'm trying to help Throws my ID back at me crumbles up the paper and throws it back at me She goes you got to go to another one another one and a different Western Union. Yeah, and I'm like it's four o'clock right now

So you have an hour. Yeah, time's taken. Yeah, it's like a jack bowler Guys listen, I tried doing this in my one-hour lunch break. It's it's already four o'clock. So you were gone for four hours Yeah Set my balls of tech. She didn't even respond to me. So I'm like forget it. She's probably worried. You're fired. Yeah, and So what happens is I went to another Western Union. They took care of it and I have my car back So then you finally got it done. Yeah, so there was no you'd never found out what the hell happened with these Asian people I just

No guinea pig, but we'll get to that in a second. I just want you guys to know that No matter how close you think you are with your friends. Here we go. I'm so excited for this bullshit Don't rely on them for anything Because I literally hit rock bottom I thought I was gonna lose my job and lose my car at the same time your own hole Okay, so you thought you hit rock bottom you didn't have fucking your car or you thought you're gonna lose your job Oh, it's good, right? I Didn't know what was going on. I didn't know anything about these payments

I thought my mom was taking care of it. So my brother like, you know, he's he's not working right now But he's in school for plumbing So he's getting his career very soon. So he gave me his Camaro and he said just take over the payments Yeah, which is another 450 a month. So as I'm making this payment I have a $2,000 payment that I had no idea about so that's when I hit rock bottom Right, and then you know to fix that you pay the 2000 and then you wait a couple of days and you go Great idea. I'm gonna get a fucking guinea pig and add more responsibility on to my fucking plate I fixed my life and I purchased a guinea pig

The worst pet you could why yeah, because what the fuck is it? What is it? It's a guinea pig What a dog I can't even take care of myself you want me to get a dog exactly what you get a guinea pig Why don't you just draw a face on a sock and pretend it's a guinea pig the same fucking thing listen or get a keychain or a hedgehog Get a new video game. I don't know why the fuck you get an animal or how long do they live three to five years? Three to five years now you're in the hole three to five years get that shatter in two You're gonna give that to a pet store in a couple weeks. Take my chinchilla. You might walk home and it's guys You're gonna come home. It's gonna like does anyone does anyone feel bad for you. No

You're gonna come home and there's gonna be like seven of them in your cage. Yeah, it's like oh shit. It was a pregnant one Yeah, I'll give you a sexual guinea pig. Yeah now. He's got a fucking farm. How do you come up with that? What do you just say? Do you know what asexual is no it reproduces without oh A male can thank you bill nice Yo, what for every podcast Keith figures out some weird shit. Yeah, I think he's like an expert I hope you come home and your floor is moving. Yo, I really want to hear how miserable a meds life is okay So I bought the guinea pig and you know, what's his name Prince? Wow? And you're the king. Okay. It was only 20 bucks. Where'd you get it? I adopted it from Pekka. There it is the wrong place

Adopted again because I thought maybe you picked us up at the Western Union He went to the portable shopping center and adopted a half-dead one. That's what he did because that's why my chinchilla is blind See, how are you talking shit? You adopted a chinchilla. I don't I don't even know my parents like it It runs into shit when he lets it out. Yeah, it's terrible. I I don't know I just want to I just want everyone to know that I have a fully functional dog I bought a brand new one a 2015 dog. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, let me do this reading real quick. You guys can all shut the fuck up for a quick second. Yep This week's sponsor

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Don't forget the promo code basement and get you 10% off your order Don't put the M because then you're not gonna get to the website Yes, do not do that moving on because I refuse to talk about cars before fucking we talk about RPMs and shit again Recently in the news, okay, this is gonna be good R. Kelly famous singer came out with worlds greatest one of the best songs ever Okay, came out with doing it doing all sorts You didn't sing bed right and no, that's Jay holiday Oh Hold on so anyway, he was also famous for peeing on a minor Wow on video

Yeah, sometimes you gotta be on people People are really interested in pissing like shower exactly, you know, there are Services, I don't know the numbers or the names, but you could pay someone to show up They bring a tarp. Yep, and then you lay down they pee all over you for money You pay them to pee on you. I wish a girl would ask me to pee on her. Why so I could say no Anyway, that's funny right 475 So he's back to this so anyway Are Kelly recently he's 49 years old. He's up there. Okay, man. He's 49

He is now dating a 19 year old. So R. Kelly R. Kelly is dating a 19 year old All right, she's legal. She's what nice nips. Okay, we'll get to that in a second. It jumps. So she he's 49 She's 19 years old Which is legal, but that's quite a gap well when she hears R. Kelly and he's interested What are you gonna do Keith at a 19-year-old girl is I'm gonna hear money and jump on that dick So What is it watch out for the piss she's legal. So Does is age just a number or is this like too crazy now with that situation? I've yeah, but there's worse

49 and 19 is pretty it's pretty significant dude. There's there's girls that are it's good for her I'll say 22 23 and they go like 80 like they're on their way out. Yeah, like the play Playboy girls. That's worse Okay, I don't count you it's it's so it is for so 49 and 19 is like yeah, whatever It's not yeah, whatever, but it is a fucking big gap Keith's just called him you have it's a good looks for her not for him Why I think it's a great look for him. There's a good Harry goes out with a girl That's better. All right guys

If you mean to tell me if I was like say 40 and I'm dating a 19-year-old you guys wouldn't shit on my life That's better for you. Yeah, that's so embarrassing like the guy perspective is good for you a girl's 19 years old I won't talk to her today. Yeah, well, it's different now when you're 40 years old and you're like, you know When you're out of your prime. I'm 26. I won't talk to a 19-year-old. Sorry. I'm not saying you will I'm just saying I mean you go to an EDC concert. I'm only 21, right? Yo, I'm going to see like when What did you just say you hold fuck? I'm 21. Yeah, all right, but I won't go fucking spend 475 Stop no beating a dead horse Okay, anyway, so would you say about her nips by the way?

I saw it on Twitter, you know, I'm a little creep So I saw the picture too, but I didn't even notice nip usually I'm gonna pop of it. Yeah, but you gotta zoom in. Oh, well, I'm not much of a zoomer. Where's the picture You saw I saw the picture on on Twitter It was hard to find but I wanted to see a picture of them together There was a picture of them standing together, but she had like a shirt on I believe you see that's that's wrong She had a bikini pic. Oh, no this I did not see the bikini pic were they like little small Thumbtacky type nipples or were they more meaty tits?

Love tits I don't care what your nips look like tits or tits. That's very nice of you Divino Divino doesn't discriminate He likes all tits. You know, you're into the what's our favorite strictly moving pictures. You said, what's your favorite porn? What's our favorite porn site? I have one site and one site. I think it's the same one as mine You put me on go three two one beach Beach, I don't know. That's a great one. It is the best one. Yeah, you like that one. Listen, they give good short videos That's why like seven minute videos. They have like 10 minutes. Was that your favorite one? Why do you say it on three? I was scared. Yeah, that's never heard of it. Be

EG dot com I'm gonna miss guys. Yeah, welcome. It's my go to porn site No, it's like I'm gonna have shit ton of pop-ups. I know it's good. It's free good Sometimes I had a bra. Yeah, this kid had a bra as a count. Yeah, you can't pay your car, but you'll pay Brazzards First of all, wait, how much where are those like dollars a month ten dollars a month? Oh, so it's like a Netflix account. Are you still looking for this nip? Yeah? Yeah, where the fuck is it? I do you think she's in it for the money or she just find something? It's true love it could be man. He's a great singer. I believe I love him first Love and first who the fuck said anything about that. Do you think he's gonna pee on her?

You know, can you stop on the question is did he already pee on obviously he already peed and did he graduate the shitting? Who enjoys it baby on me? I wouldn't be surprised you got it, babe I think peeing on someone is like a gateway drug to shitting on what it hold on That's after throwing up right like you can't piss on them and then have sex It has to be after sex. Okay. What if he pays her you what if he pays her to piss on her? No, you don't do that movie was that married him Remember horrible voices it was in that It was a dude from Fantastic Four yes, he goes wait you guys don't want me to pee on you. No, man

No, yeah, so he definitely pissed on this girl 1,000 percent You don't pee on one person and go oh never doing that again. I'm gonna and he videotaped it Which means he's been peeing for quite some time the next girl He's peeing on this girl possibly shitting and then I think the next step is throwing up I think after that it's like that thing where you eat as much food as possible until you throw up No, and then you guys just roll around in that way. What is that called? It's sploshing The food stuff the food stuff is called splashing We might as well pay money to watch people eat on FaceTime and they're like, oh, yeah rub your like rub the hot dog

Are you serious? I swear on my life. I got it splashing Splashing someone explained it to me. I didn't believe when I looked it up. We show the weird stuff It's all like Japanese shit, you know, they do weird shit over there Like they fuck eels and dolphins and stuff. You've seen those videos. They're all Asian I've never seen that come on two girls one cup both Asian Yeah, they're very sexually adventurous. What about pain Olympics they fuck eels and like they blow dolphins I saw a video of a guy blowing a dolphin. How big is that dick? It was like a weird pink fucking

It's just it was weird squiggle. I didn't know dolphins had fucking dick. What about I'm gonna throw up What about a burger? Did you ever see a duck's dick? Did I ever see a duck's dick? Did I ever see a duck's dick? Wait, I'll say my guinea pig has the biggest balls I've ever seen in my life Yo, a guinea pig? A duck's dick is like a squiggle. It's like a squiggle spring. Like a pig's tail? A spring So the ducks have squiggle dick. Yeah, it's so weird. If you look at it, it's so gross It's like a corkscrew everyone go on Google and type in duck's dick So you can open a wine bottle with a duck dick. Yeah, basically probably and the way it goes into a female duck

It's so weird, bro. They have to like spin. It spins in like a corkscrew. It's like a corkscrew It's like opening a bottle of wine. You gotta twist it. I was actually on it comes up I think I tagged you in it on Twitter. I think it was two giraffes having sex What? Well, how do you get to be I giraffes definitely have a dick as long as this table. Yeah, 1,000% Tongue is 24 inches Wow, Jesus, you're getting me a little hot butter over here You know your shit. They have they have these they have like black tongues too, right? Yeah

It's like the first half of it. Did you ever feed one? I gave one a small banana. I've never seen At the safari at Six Flags when that shit just opened there's no fences Talking about whatever I would love to feed a giraffe I gave it a small video the fucking hippopotamus they're just feeding this thing anything and it's just crushing It's like a garbage disposal. Yeah a hippo dude that hippos kill more people every year than like sharks or something They're fast. I love sharks. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait to go to Miami Jetski fall in the water get bit by a great white so I can live to tell that tail, huh? You get a great white. You're fucking dead. I'm not dead. You'll be I wouldn't you'll be limping for the rest of your life

Pick out a good game. I'm not going jet skiing. I'm The fuck are you doing over there all quiet now? I was in your other best friends. Here. I was looking for dress and a more meat. What more meat spin More meats carnivore club. Yes sign up. You have more meats every month 10% off use my code imagine just a website to him the meat spin Okay, all right. I have a question Everybody pull your chairs in closer Keith's freshly shaved, but I tried something yesterday That I don't want to know the smartest thing I've ever done. You shaved your dick. No, I put Colgate on

My beard. All right, it's toothpaste toothpaste. Yes. Oh, right. You treated me this. Yeah, no, I tweeted in general But yeah, yeah, no, you didn't tweet me. I just took it so what I thought was like, you know Like if I'm ever about to hook up with a girl like that would be the best thing to ever do because you'll probably smell like fresh You know I'm saying not cologne. That's it's over. Okay, so listen It felt like someone poured acid right on my face toothpaste you ever put in your fucking you ever brush your teeth Yeah, but it doesn't burn that much. Yeah, but it's like you ever get a little in your eye. There's all forget about the days over You're brushing your teeth in the morning. You get toothpaste It's the same thing don't go to school. Why are we having four conversations? You're talking to me. He's talking to him

Come on, let's figure it out like dante nice. It's really minty and it'll burn the fucking back of your throat Yeah, but yeah, I'll show you something. I'll burn the back But it was just you guys never tried it though So you put toothpaste in your beard, you know, no one's ever tried that because it's fucking so stupid That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I wonder where you're gonna try next and I'm really I really wish I could have watched you Like do that. Yeah, you're on like a roll. Honestly, you forgot to pay your thing You bought a guinea pig and now you're putting two you better stop shitting on my best friend. You know, you should. Yeah Now it gets rid of my hair. I know

There I don't care You know before Davino makes another joke, let's just go wrap this up real quick. Yeah, okay because Jesus Christ Anyway, I'm Ed. What are you looking at me for? What do you want? What he doesn't want to stop? Enjoying this We're fucking we're flying through this. We're good. We're fine. Anyway, we're gonna wrap this up Do we are? Do you know where can they find you?

Very good. Where can they find you Joey? Where can they find you on Twitter at Joe Sanagato? I'm Ed Keith You can find me on on Twitter what what what on Twitter? Twitter and Instagram it's at Keith's in the go Is there any underscores in that key? No, because I'm Ed for some reason also make it so We got to tell him Ed first. I'm Ed. Where where do they find you? Address email everything's different. What's your tinder? I actually don't have tinder But what's your Instagram start with that? You can find me on Instagram at shmetti underscore You know, you could change it to one

What you could change it to the the same one? Why do you have underscores? Is it like taken? Is there someone else with that fucking name? No, it's just cool. It's the cool thing. Oh, yeah, it's sick And you can find me on Twitter. It's a med 3d's at the end of the e there it is and 14-year-old girl DeVino, where can they find you? Very easy and Vino for everything ANT V I and oh 474 75 at the end of that

It's not 475. All right fucking Jesus Christ. And you can find Casey at KC ee 24 Yeah, go follow Casey. It's a meds best friend. You could probably find a bunch of memes She's a nice girl and and a lot of poems. She's a walking poem ladies and gentlemen. Oh, really? She has a great personality as a best friend by the name of a med also a walking poem and a walking disaster All right. All right. So thanks for listening. Thank you. Bye. I love you peace