The Basement Yard - Built An Igloo While I Was Hammered

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

I was snowed in this past weekend so I decided to make an igloo and get drunk. Pretty standard stuff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Basement Yard. It's January 25th, 3pm, on a Monday. I fucking didn't do one last week. I just totally forgot. I don't even have a good excuse, honestly. Truth be told, on Monday, I was dealing with this company about doing an integration in one of my future videos. So we were going back and forth, and then before I knew it, it was Tuesday, and I was like, someone tweeted me and was like, hey, where's the podcast? And I was like, fuck, that was supposed to go out yesterday.

And I just didn't do it. Because, you know why? Because I'm a piece of shit. That's why I forgot I'm a piece of shit. But anyway, some good news is that the video that I put out last week is doing pretty fucking well on the Facebook. It's got 1.7 million views, which is absurd. That's crazy, but it was funny because... For that video, I just, I wrote on my Facebook.

I'm like, hey, send me topics of things you want me to talk about, blah, blah, blah. And some people suggested I talked about, I talked about breastfeeding in public. So I talked about it briefly, and I was just kind of saying how like, it's weird that people are offended by it. Like, oh, ma- ma'am, ma'am, put your- put your goddamn tit away. My son's here, and he could see your tit, and now I have to explain to him what you're doing. Like, dude, fuck your dumb kid. Punch your kid in the face if he asks questions.

How about that? You know? I gotta feed my fucking baby. Let people feed their ba- what is- like I said, in the video, I was like, what is the alternative? Do you- should you let it die? Let it starve? Cause then they just start screaming and crying, and who the hell is like screaming babies? Especially like on a subway. Dude, oh my god, one time I got stuck on a subway. Literally, I'm not making this up.

I was stuck on the train for 45 minutes. My old boss still thinks I made this fucking story up, cause I was so late to work. Actually, I wasn't late, because I just turned around and went back home, I was like, fuck this shit. But I was on the train and we were stuck in between stops. It wasn't even like I could get off, get out, take a cab. We were stuck in between spots- in between stops. And, um, there was a baby just fucking screaming. I was like, oh my god, like, if we were at a stop and she- cause she didn't do a thing.

The mom didn't do anything right nothing not give it a pacifier not like shoved to finger two fingers in its mouth to Shut it up. Nothing not even look at it. She wasn't even looking at she was pretty like it wasn't hers She like put it down and was like whatever that thing is yelling. What is that? She was pretending She's like, I don't know that baby. Just she's screaming, but it was so weird. I'm like, oh my god, please just like Yell at it make it make it just tell it no something anything She wasn't doing anything if we were at a stop I would have punched that baby square in the mouth and ran out of there Because it's the worst a baby screaming and I was stuck in that goddamn train for 45 minutes and this baby was just fucking

screaming it was annoying, but besides the point Feed your babies so they don't scream. That's that's what it comes down to But the reason why I'm bringing that up is because I talked about breastfeeding and I was pro breastfeeding public I don't think it's a big deal blah blah blah and a bunch of mothers were in the comments like yeah. Yeah Yeah, he's right. Yes. I'm proud to breastfeed in all this shit And they just would leave comments like that and then pictures of them breastfeeding. So there was tits everywhere There was like like every four comments was like a picture of a tit like I breastfeed and I'm proud

There was actually this one woman it says Breastfeeding and proud and anyone who doesn't like it my son has a message for you And it's a picture of this baby sucking on her tit and His he's given the camera the middle finger at the same time Which was pretty fucking cool. This is probably the coolest baby Probably ever honestly but So that's uh, that's going on with the with the breastfeeding bunch of tits the videos doing well, so it was a good week last week, you know

except Week went to shit. I'm like burping over here. The week went to shit when we got 28 inches of snow in New York City. Jesus. I gotta stop 28 inches of snow in New York City It was ridiculous I didn't even like because if you if you are from New York City Then you know that the meteorologist get on TV and they go it's gonna be historic Run to the fucking store and get bread and milk

Which is another thing like all those people who run to the supermarket and just buy a year's supply of shit Relax man. It's not a fucking atom bomb. It's a snow storm. You're chilling But usually, you know, there's been times where they say over again a blizzard it's gonna be insane 10 feet. Oh my you're gonna not be able to go outside and Nothing happens. It like snows like an inch. There's a dusting and you're like, this is horseshit, you know And then you have to go to school But um this time they it was they were a spot on it was fucking nuts. I woke up I look outside. I couldn't even see across the street because it was so windy and snowing. I was like, what the fuck is going on?

It was blizzard blizzard like conditions Blizzard so he decided we're like we were actually me as a like as a family were like, let's just watch a movie You know make some cinnamon buns get fat, you know a bunch of candy my brother has Don't ask why but there's a drawer in his dresser It's a small drawer, but it's just a good-sized drawer. There's at least I Want to say 15 boxes of different kinds of candy in there It's a it's like a candy store like you know how to deli you walk up and you just want to buy a thing of milk And you get to the fucking the register you look down

Skittles are staring at you in the face packets of gum fucking Snickers. That's exactly what that drawer is like It's like you don't want to eat any of it You're like I know this is all bad for me, but give me at all and I had boxes and boxes of candy It's disgusting. It's gross. I think I'm gonna start doing two days in the gym Where in the morning I'll lift and then in the afternoon I would say on five six o'clock I'll go there and just run for a half an hour Because I'm really trying to get down and now I'm not like now. I was like 181 the other day and I was psyched But now I'm back up there 185, you know, but for on

But it's not bad weight I'm not like 185 and gross like it's nice, you know I really like the way that my body looks. I think I look As good as I've ever looked maybe but I'm trying to like cut it down I'm trying to cut the weight so that there's more definition there I'm not trying to be one of those like big dudes who are just like ripping out of shirts and like there's not really definition But I could lift like a house like I don't care about that honestly That's it, but

Yeah, um, we were we were planning on watching a movie and just eating all this shit and getting fatter But I was like, yo, let's because my sister's boyfriend was there and I was there my brothers I'm like, dude, let's make an igloo And they're like Yeah, and I was like, all right good and we're like fuck the movie. Let's go outside. So we went outside and Start making an igloo Which is way harder Than you think it is first of all, I know what you're thinking first of all, we didn't even really make an igloo

It was kind of like a fort, but that had snow walls But what we did was there's like a big bin that we have that we put in the back room Like with dirty laundry goes in it or whatever and we bring that outside We would fill it up with snow and then pack it all in and then turn it upside down like you're at the beach We're making a sandcastle. You know what I mean? And then just stack them on top of each other and we got a pretty fucking high and then We did that and then we Stacked the front and then we put a rug over the top and then put a ho Which is the right term a ho

Not a promiscuous woman a garden tool Sticking straight up to hold the rug up and we just chilled inside And we were just drinking the entire day as we were building it me and my brother like split a bottle of Jameson And I was like warm as hell and I think that may be like a myth But I don't know I was warm as shit like I was drunk and warm as shit. We had beers We had Jameson. We had Bacardi like we're freshman in high school on a party bus It was so we were passing around a bottle of like dragonberry

Bacardi like I don't know what it was But it was very like you're on a party bus your freshman year of high school and you're like let's have a drink And it's like that shit like that's we were drinking it was we it was in my house We were like fuck it. We're like can't go to the store. So let's just drink what we have And a little bottle of sorok too It was disgusting, you know, two of my friends showed up and then we just hung out in there for like for hours Just hung out in the fucking fort The walls were like concrete

You could have knocked them down. It was awesome. I really liked it a lot. It's still out there It's the snow is so compacted in those walls that fucking fort's gonna be there until probably next winter Honestly, it's gonna be in the summer. We go out hang out in the fort It'll be fine and it was cool because it was this the wind was whipping it was like fucking crazy I just watched the revenant not too long ago. So that's what I felt like So in the fort was beautiful you could take your hat and gloves off. That's how like You know, I wouldn't say it was like warm, but it wasn't freezing in there. It was nice Because we had six dudes in there. It was dope

Six dudes in one hole holding up the rug It was dope Took a speaker in there blasting some Billy Joel It was real white. It was one of the whitest things I've ever done. It was sick. I liked it a lot But uh, it was nuts and then you know the next day like we did that all day and we came in watch the movie I fell asleep at like 10 30. It was shot, but the next day you had to wake up now. You got to start shoveling. Oh My god, when you're a kid snows great because you don't got to do shit You just go out play the only thing you have to worry about is not eating yellow snow

Like don't eat the dog piss snow. That's it. That's the only worry you have But other than that nothing We have to dig out the cars We had a shovel our walkway and the sidewalk shovel the backyard shovel the old neighbors Yard because if he does it he's spinal snap in half don't have to rush him to the hospital. Oh God, it's awful. And you know what else sucks when you're like it almost happened to me But it didn't and some guy who's a hero saved my life I

Shoveled my walkway And the and the sidewalk and then my neighbor who's really old so he started doing some event I was like, I'll do it. Don't worry about it. Like don't don't kill yourself so we shoveled me and a couple of my friends we shoveled his Walkway and his sidewalk and as we're walking back to my house this Chinese lady Well, she's Asian. I know they get all like she could have been anything could have been Korean Japanese I can't really tell

She was something and she was like, hey, hey, hey, and I was like fuck she's about to ask me to dig out her car for her and She was like, can you help me and that's all I heard and I turned around and She wasn't looking at me which was great news because I didn't want to do it and here comes this guy I'm not kidding. It sounds like a movie. There's a guy in ski goggles and a one-piece USA flag patterned Thing I don't know what it is like a snow suit and it's got the the United States flag like all over it

Right and he's like, I'll help you ma'am and he had like a red and blue shovel This guy was ready. Like he was this is the one day he wanted out of the year I have no and he was on my block to the entire day. I've never seen this man before in my entire life I've lived here for 23 years. He Comes walking down the block. I'll help you ma'am And this suit just like ready and he helped her which was great, but it was so weird I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing? He just had this suit on he was just so ready for this. No, he probably helped 400 people that day

But the worst part about shoveling was the driveway. I drive a driveway in the back We never use we used to have a pullback there when we knocked it down It sounds way bigger than it actually is my pool was the size of like a really big mug Literally, I'm not kidding if I'm stretched out Like fully like laying down. I could touch both sides of it, but it was above the ground pool It was you know, it was it was a nice little puddle to jump into After you're coming home from the park playing basketball with your friends. It was nice But we got rid of it. So it snowed like there was like a snow drift and the wind was blowing

So there was like four feet back there and we have to get rid of it because I don't know if it was last year the year before it snowed a lot and We didn't shovel back there because we're like why the fuck we shovel back there No one could slip and fall and die back there. So whatever and It got really cold at night and it the snow like froze Right so it got really hard and then hello and then I'm so immature and then it rained

the next day Like pouring rain and we have a drain back there and there's drains everywhere, you know It's New York City, but they were all frozen over so the water was just rising and We had like I want to say five inches of water in our basement just like because it was rushing through The back door it came through the garage into into my room. It was all fucked up. It was terrible It was I remember being out there with boots on like the entire family It was like me my brothers my sister my dad and my mom just out there like trying to save the house it looked like

Like in those pirate movies when it gets a hole and like everyone's like dumping water out It was like it was ridiculous and the water was freezing. It was like fucking Titanic It was insane somebody Hummus remember that scene in Titanic that was us It was fucking freezing. We had to push all the water out. I was out there with a sledgehammer sledgehammering the ice trying to free up the

Drain So we can get the water out. It was fucking it was so bad and now the same thing's gonna happen again. We we Pushed out all the snow that's in the driveway But the drain in the middle of the alleyway is the one that gets majority of the fucking rain But our entire alleyway is filled with snow two feet high So once it rains, it's gonna be and we're at the bottom of a hill once it rains It's gonna fucking slide right in to our house and we're gonna be taking on water Everything I own is gonna be fucked

It's gonna be great. Um, I Hope it doesn't rain. That's it. That's all I do. That's how I hope it doesn't But yeah, also guys, I don't know if you've noticed but uh The Super Bowl is coming up Pretty excited actually, I'm not that excited. I'm actually excited. You know why I just fucking had like a little battle with myself there I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I Really like Cam Newton. He was my fancy quarterback for like half the year on the Panthers

But I don't know how the fuck paint manning and his dumb arm are in the Super Bowl that guy I don't know what the hell's going on. They must give him insane amount of drugs in his arm They must have a needle three feet long and they stick that shit right into his shoulder blade and Pump some shit into him and he can't feel a thing Because I don't know how this guy's still thrown. He's old as hell. He's got like neck surgery He says he can't feel his fingers and that's why you wear his gloves and it's gonna throw these guys in the Super Bowl the fuck Oh my god, what's going on man?

But I don't really know what I'm gonna do for the Super Bowl I had this plan of what I was gonna do But I don't know if I'm gonna do it because first of all now there's fucking snow everywhere, right? The Super Bowl is in like three weeks or some shit So there's snow everywhere. Also, it's fucking freezing. It's been freezing all these past couple of days and I Had this idea that in my backyard because I have a deck that Hangs over like half of my backyard, so I was gonna hang a projector screen and get a projector and

Project the Super Bowl on this on using the projector just a projector like 400 fucking times I'm getting a fucking projector and a screen so we could watch the game outside You know what I mean? That's what I'm trying to fucking say and I was also gonna rent bleachers so that it felt real Like we're out of football game I just do that and have you know everything set up because I have people over for the Super Bowl every year Like we we've been doing it for years now where everyone just comes to my house My house is like a hotel people come in and out of this place all the fucking time I don't even know but I don't even know who's here. There's one time I went to the deli

I came home. My friend Dominic was sitting on my couch. I was like, how the fuck did you even get in here? but on Sundays everyone usually comes over we watch the games in my house and We either order food or like my mom makes something like it's great So so for the Super Bowl, I was like, let's do something crazy and get a projector blah blah blah But I don't think that's gonna go down but usually how the day goes is We set up two tables on the backyard And we we're out there maybe at like 11 a.m. And we start drinking last year

What my friend Dominic showed up? It was just me and him we played one-on-one flip cup for Probably like an hour We were ripped like just chugging beers and We were drunk before anyone got there and we're both wearing onesies So I think we're gonna keep the tradition alive because I have a bunch of onesies Don't ask why I'm a fucking grown man. I have tons of ones and not tons I have like five though, which is five too many You know, maybe four too many

Maybe you have one onesie that you own because it was like a joke and like you're like, oh Got a onesie and like you did it for the Instagram picture. I have five. All right. I Don't think I've bought any of them either, which is weird. Actually. I bought one of them I bought one that it's a black one and It's got penguin on the feet That's the one that I wore. I also have one now. I have a new one. That's a Superman one It's got a cape. Are you fucking kidding me? When have you ever

Had the opportunity to wear a cape? Never. That's exactly why I had it. I Don't know what the fuck's going on though I think the Panthers are gonna beat this shit out of the Broncos for what it's worth I don't know if everyone listening likes sports or like they fake like sports for the guy that they talk to or whatever You know, if someone asks you a question say hey Camden's gonna beat this shit out of the Broncos That's what I think is gonna happen But I also thought that my Giants would make the playoffs. I was wrong there Fucking Redskins. What a joke. Yeah. Oh my good

Also, I don't know if you guys noticed but I've been posting these Articles on the Facebook page on my Facebook page Um They like people were like all fucking clickbait bro. What the fuck is this man? You're gonna lose fans, bro I guess they're clickbait in a way. Yeah, sure Because I do get paid from these things Where like if people look at them You get paid based on interact

What's the word engagement you get paid based on engagement on these which is fine, you know, whatever man I just I only put them up for like a day and I take them down Because it's a nice little extra money every month, you know, but here's the thing People are like, oh dude clickbait you fucking sell it or like all whatever the fuck they say But it's that's horseshit. You know why because this company, right? I Told them straight up. I'm like, listen, no one's gonna have access to my account because there's pages like Celebrity pages and like whatever like Kevin Hart's page. If you ever go to Kevin Hart's page Pretty much 90% of the things that are posted on that. He's not posting someone has access to it

And they post it for him so he can make money off of it blah blah blah But I Told them I'm like no one's getting access to my page. I'm not meeting any quota. I'm not posting every day I'm not doing any of that shit. I've had this I've had this a contract with them for like the whole month of January I've posted maybe four articles, so I was like, I'm gonna do whatever the hell you want I'm not gonna post anything. That's just like bullshit. Like you've never seen me post something like oh The best way to hug your babe or some dumb fucking shit like that if I'm I have someone send me links

Every other day like a bunch of links if I like something How post it, you know like I posted something it was like gay dudes touch vaginas for the first time. That's fucking hilarious I was dying So I was like, hey, why not share this and also You know get paid from it. Why not? But I hate that when people just bug out and they're like, dude, what the fuck is this bro? You're gonna lose fans like why dude fuck you Yeah, piece of shit

God I'm losing my fucking mind guys honestly, it's ridiculous, but yeah, there's this but this is the latest one that I posted It's on the Facebook page right now I'm actually gonna take it down by the time that this goes out, but it's it's like Photos of drug lords children's Instagrams Which is that's way too many plural words right there drug lords children's Instagrams I mean, I guess that makes sense, but it is like well, but in this article, right? There's just pictures of luxurious things the first picture is a guy driving a Porsche and there's a fucking Baby lion, which is like a cub. There's a cub chewing on the steering wheel as he's driving

Are you fucking kidding me dude? How rich do you have to be to get a cub and that's not the only there's a bunch of them that have tigers This one girl has a tiger What the fuck how do you get so rich you're like fuck it not birds not lizards I don't want a dog or a cat. Well, they're cats because I don't want a regular cat I want to fucking Bengali tiger You know to play with and take pictures with and just to have around and I also Just want to have something that maybe could kill me if it got really upset like if you forget to feed it

It's gonna kill me. I Don't know why people get pets like that like you know those people that Fucking they like they go into the jungle and hang out with gorillas for like a year their lives to study them dude their gorillas their gorillas Do you know what that means? That means like if you get on their nerves and they fucking smack you with 50% of their strength your head

Be turns into dust they it's a gorilla I went to I went to Disney World This year this summer and I went and I saw a gorilla in person. It was like 20 yards from me I'm like looking at this thing like this thing could literally fold me and put me in its pocket Crush me, you know how strong they are and this and some crazy white bitches like I'm gonna go into the middle of the jungle and Just hang out with them for a year and write a book. You're not gonna get home. You're not gonna you're not gonna make it I mean, they've made it they do But I don't know how

Like they always show I like discovery channel you're watching it and she's like yeah She's always wearing like all beige you ever see those people who go and study gorillas. They all were all beige They don't wear any colors. Just beige Right. She's in there hanging out gorilla comes out of the background Cameraman shits himself it like camera shakes real quick and then this this gorilla just walks over It's like picking bugs out of her hair and eating them like what the fuck dude. What did you do? or That video of those guys who they raised like a like a cheat like a lion a lion it was a lion

They raised a lion From birth and then set it free and then they found it in the wild like years after right years Like five years later. I don't need exact time. It could have been longer than that. They went into the wild right and Found this fucking tiger. I don't know how maybe they put like a GPS tracking device in its ass or something, but they found it and They're like, oh, yeah, which we raised it So it's totally gonna be fine and they walk over to it and the tiger looks at them Right and then it starts creeping towards them with the shoulders

You know when like lions are like attacking like a buffalo or some shit like their shoulders start going Where they're like walking but like their face is low and their shoulders are just they have crazy shoulder blades And it's doing that shit towards them and then it starts sprinting at them and they're smiling Charlie or whatever the fuck his name was and this lion Jumps on one of them and starts hugging them Are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me? Dude those guys have some set of testicles

Jesus Tiger runs at me. I don't care if I've been best friends of this tiger for 20 fucking years. I'm shitting myself and also Assuming that I'm about to die These fucking tiger jumped up and hugged them so happy to see him He ate fucking invited. I'm in his home. Hey come at come check out this hut that I built with my family Here's the cubs. Here's the wife. None of the tigers are like fuck the I don't know these guys and eat them None of them do that. They're all like, okay, cool. What's up guys? Yeah, whatever Like it's insane man. I don't I don't I don't I don't know but

You know I'm jealous because I would like a tiger or a lion or both a tiger and a lion Or some sort of mixed breed like a tie-on or a liger. Oh liar liger. That's what it's called That would be sick, you know But yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore guys. I should get the fuck out of here I need to go back to the gym. I haven't even eaten today. What I know. I had Froot Loops fucking Froot Loops Dude, how many times am I gonna do this? I do this all the time. It's like four o'clock and I'm like, I haven't eaten anything except a granola bar

It's disgusting don't do that guys eat your breakfast most important meal of the day all that shit whatever But I'm getting the fuck out of here. I don't know what's going on. I tunes. Honestly, I don't know I'm gonna try right now after I'm done recording this and try to resubmit My podcast to it, but I think they fucked me out of itunes, which is totally fine. I don't give a shit fuck you guys Actually, you know, I don't mean that. I'm sorry if you're listening. Please help me But it's on SoundCloud so if anyone asks just tell them SoundCloud.com slash the basement yard and If you guys are interested in sports

I do run a sports podcast with a couple of my friends called veterans minimum Which is also on itunes or SoundCloud that one is still on itunes. So it's veterans minimum We do a show every week comes out every Friday. I think Thursday or Friday Friday. I think But yeah, so go check that out also There's another podcast that I'm on with a female comedian named Kate Wolf. It's called invasion of privacy that one Is more the serious side of Joe. It's not really jokes. It's not all jokes and whistles. I Don't know what that means, but it's not all jokes and whistles. It's the serious side of Joe So you guys can check that out also. That's called invasion of privacy

That's also on SoundCloud and itunes everything's on SoundCloud and itunes my shit The basement yard is only on SoundCloud because itunes when fuck you you got too many now. Fuck you. All right So that's what happened. But anyway, as always, thanks for listening guys. Thanks for listening. Yeah, motherfuckers