The Basement Yard - Calling Phone Sex Operators

Episode Date: September 12, 2017

On this episode, @Frank_Alvarez80 & I are rating cartoons, dudes, & calling phone sex operators. God bless. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Today I am joined by Frankie once again. What are you doing? I'm putting two fingers up. That was four fingers, by the way. It looked like they were one. Like if I did this, it looks like a ninja turtle. Slow start here, guys.

Slow start. We're going to pick it up, I promise. Don't worry about it. There's a bunch of beers here, which we're going to start. OK, we're going to start here. A lot of foam. A lot of foam. It's so good.

A lot of foam. Be honest. Honestly, that taste. I'm a happier person when I drink alcohol. That's alcoholism. I know it is. I'm just saying. I'm a happier person when I'm damaging my body.

When I'm putting the poison in, it feels so good. Hurts so good. Oh, it does. It hurts perfectly. It does. So I wanted to start off this podcast by talking about something that I witnessed the other day. I'm going to start off with a little bit of alcohol.

Something that I witnessed the other day on the train. Don't take the train too often. But when I do, there's always something on there for me. And this week, I saw a guy grown man well into his 30s. Outwards of 32. He was wearing a shirt that had three boxes on it. And beside the first two boxes, it said Democratic Party, Republican Party.

Then the third box, which was checked off, said Pizza Party. OK? I'm pretty sure this is a shirt you sell at Chuck E. Cheese. I'm a big guy when it comes to liking everyone for something off the wrong foot. I already hate that. Oh, you're so hip. Why would you wear that shirt as a grown man?

You don't care. You don't care. Doesn't give a shit. Nothing says like, hey, pussy, please don't talk to me. Not approachable. That would love to hang out with your 14-year-old son. That's one of those shirts. He had the courage to wear that.

Like those people that would wear, like, yes, I know guac is extra walking into Chipotle. Do they make those shirts? Yes, they do. Yes, I know guac is extra. Look it up. I saw it in Target once. I want to throw up.

Yeah. And they have all those dumb shirts, like all those stupid shirts that's you won't like me before my coffee. That drives me fucking crazy. I hate that. Don't talk to me before I have my. I'm not going to talk to you ever now.

Fuck you for the rest of the day. And all the days to come after that, I don't want to talk to you because of this fucking shirt that you probably have a matching mug, by the way. Oh, 1,000 people. And it's not even just the shirt. Like they say it in real life. You know what I mean?

Like it's their gimmick. It's their thing. You know what I really hate? Like ironic mugs. Like people have like mugs with like cool sayings. Like what is this? A doormat? The fucking?

I need like an example. Like that. It says don't talk at like one club. Oh, after I drink this, I got a poop. Or some shit. Oh, first of all, you know how I feel about poop jokes. Hate them. Second of all, like the ones like the mugs that have,

it has like the gasoline fuel thing on it. It's like, oh, this is my fuel. I don't know why I'm always doing it. Like guys do it too. This is my fuel. Yeah. No, I hate it. Imagine not caring that much about life.

You know, shirts are like a big one for me, honestly. Just wear a plain shirt. Don't get any like. That's your first impression of somebody. Yeah. Like I see you from a shirt. I'm saying like, OK, this is someone that is in touch with their, their childhood

and like loves the 90s. Oh, big fan. Big fan. You ever see the thing? It was like a big Lola Bunny fan, by the way. First of all, what a fucking dime. Very Jesus felt very uncomfortable the way I reacted to Lola Bunny and Jessica Rabbit.

First of all, Jessica, let's not even get into Jessica Rabbit. I don't know if we could do that on this show, but Lola Bunny, first of all, all right, she's an easy. She's a hard 10. Yeah. Obviously. Easy. Jump shot, another hard 10.

Is it weird? I'm attracted to other cartoons. No, Jasmine, any day of the week. That's weird. Well, I go ahead, continue. It's weird because like my sister dressed up as Jasmine for Halloween. So it's like kind of weird.

Yeah, Romel, he knows. So does like 90% of the fucking population. Yeah. I kind of look like Aladdin. Well, no, not that Aladdin. That Aladdin was like a young, like just street rat. Yeah, he was like in shape. He was like assassin creeding.

You know what I mean? I don't know if that's a verb. Assassin creeding is pretty sure. Get it. Call up a Webster. You can get it in the dictionary. Get paid for that. Send it.

Assessing. But there are other cartoon characters that like, they do it for me. You know, hold on. Remember the Goofy movie? Duh. You know, Roxanne? Ooh.

Wow. The good. So good. And you know what's crazy? Is that a fox? What is it? It's a dog. They're dogs.

Am I into bestiality? We're into it now. Because I think so. Like, first of all, kind of weird. But I always loved Daphne from Scooby-Doo. Very weird. Yeah, I'll say that. Super about her all the time.

She was always wearing like a turtleneck, glasses, a weird plaid skirt. But like I saw her and I was like. Shoes with like a buckle on it, like a pilgrim? I have a shoe with a buckle on it. I have two of them, actually, not just one shoe. This isn't helping you. No, there are other ones.

What other cartoon characters are like attractive? Minnie Mouse. What? No, sorry. Not dirty enough for Romel. We know how Romel gets down. This whole podcast was fine. Minnie Mouse?

Hi. Who else is there? There's Sleeping Beauty, who's an obvious go. All right, can we just go through the Disney princesses? The Prince I, there's multiple princesses. Right. Belle? Standards are a little low for me, but I'll deal with that.

If you're going to. I want to bring up the same boat, because if I'm fucking the dog from the Goofy movie. Your standards are out of control. We'll talk about that maybe a little later. What are we talking about? Belle is good. Belle's amazing.

Belle's good. Snow White? Snow White 2, like 2, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I live in the forest. If I ever saw her like walking like this and singing, I'm pretty sure I'd fucking gout. Anyone who acts like Snow White is a hard no.

No, sorry. You know, whatever. Who else is there? Jinx, look at that. Best friends. Cheers. We're drinking Miller Lights. No more dirt wolves.

We learned our lesson after last week. Dirt wolves are fucking crazy. We got to get those back on here. After everything was done, me, you, and Joey were just making beats in there. We were wrecked. It was bad. It was good.

It was good. It was. You know who else is good? You were thinking on the fly. I was thinking on the fly. I know. You was hoping to gout some kind of me. I'm trying to run through cartoons now that I watch.

Ariel. Ariel. Super good. Call me crazy. As a mermaid, I'll take it. As a fish. As a fish, I'll take it. So does she have fish guts?

Or is she rocking full on? Do fish have vaginas? How do fish? Fish got to have pusses. They have to. They're just very hidden. They're hidden. Yeah.

Let's go. We should next time. We're at my like house. You know how some vaginas look like macaroons? There's like a little, like a sideways macaron. There's like a little something. Fishes, they're just incognito. You can't see them to the naked eye.

I feel like a fish puss is just like if you just paper cut. Yeah, but you can't see. It's kind of like hidden through the scales. You can't see the paper cut? I mean, it depends. No, that's why it's called the paper cut. I'll be honest with you. I haven't gotten a paper cut in years.

Yeah, I haven't either. Not a big paper cut guy. I haven't either. But Ariel was super good. Good call. Why can't I think of any other Disney princesses? I'll just Google some right now. Jasmine, I think, is up.

Pocahontas? That's all you, dude. Oh, god, you're stupid. Pocahontas is ridiculous. It's kind of weird to me because Pocahontas was a real person. How did we get here? And she was like 12. Yeah, when her entire village was like raped and pillaged.

Yeah. Too real. Too real for me. Way too real. What were they trying to teach us at a young age? Mulan. Now. Mulan wasn't my cup of tea.

I can work with Mulan. I mean, yeah. She's good. I think we kind of covered all of them if I'm being completely honest with you. Yeah, I mean, the important ones, obviously. The chicken, the cool one, the Kimberley chicken. Who's that?

I love Kimberley. I see her, Kyle. You know what's funny? We sit here beforehand and we talk about kind of things we're going to go over. And then we just go up the rhythm. Now we're talking about which Disney princesses we want to bang. Yeah.

I mean, let's be honest. The pinnacle is Lola Bunny. She's good. She's sporty. Yeah, she's smooth. She is smooth. Smooth as silk. Smooth talker.

Smooth as silk. Great passer. I think underrated pass game. Well, I just, she was the point guard. You know what I mean? She did it all. She was the reason they won. Unbelievable handles.

Better than Kyrie. Sorry. Big caps fan over here. Yeah, he came in with a roll tribe shirt as a Yankee shirt. They're playing each other right now. Oh, God. I don't even want to talk about the Yankees. I never, when I was growing up and I was super young,

I was super into Pocahontas and that girl Roxanne from the Goofy movie. Roxanne was good, dude. I think more than real people. Like, I was like, oh, Roxanne, over anybody I knew. Yeah, we had no idea what was going on in our brain. What a confusing time. We had attractive cartoon characters.

You know, that's the best way. That's why there are like, you know, bronies out there and people that jerk off to fucking. What's bronies? You never heard of a bronie? It sounds delicious. No, it isn't. It's like kids our age and significantly older,

up to double our age, that are sexually attracted to My Little Ponies and obsessed with them. My Little Ponies? Yeah, they're called bronies. And they wear fedoras, obviously. Well, yeah. That's a given. And like, fucking jerk off to.

To ponies? I don't know, what are their names? Cutie Pie or? I never, I was not a big Pony Pie. My Little Pony, yeah, I was never really into that. Never knew they existed until I heard of these bronies, to be honest with you. Why ponies?

I don't know, dude. Have they seen the Goofy movie? Clearly not. Clearly they have never discovered Lola Bunny either. Dude, just watch Space Jam once. You'll be fine. That would make sense. I would even, I'd be a Loni or whatever you want to call it.

Yeah, I remember being so heartbroken that I found out Tweety Bird was a boy. Cause I thought Tweety Bird was adorable. Tweety Bird's a dude? Yeah. This changes everything. Yeah, see? I don't like that at all.

Yeah, it's weird, man. It's weird. Tweety is a dude. I remember finding out because I was dating a girl. It actually makes sense, because that would be a lot of attempted domestic violence over the years. Yeah, but it could still be domestic violence, Joe.

Yeah, I know, but just not as sensed. Stay woke, all right? Just not as like, you know. Where did we go? I don't know. Where did we go? We were talking about how I was younger and I was into cartoons more than real girls.

You know what I remember doing? When I was super young, there was a pay phone at the top of my block. Okay. That's going back. Yeah, there was a pay phone. And at the top of my block, and we used to go up there and we would dial a number

and it was like a sex phone operator thing. Oh, like one of those like 1-800-ASS-FUCK. That's what they are. Call it. And they just straight, I'll call it right now. No, no, no, yo, I'm calling this one. Oh my God, because I remember it. It was 1-800-FAT-GIRL.

I remember it'll like, it's like an automated message. It's like ooh, you just called 1-800-FAT-GIRL. Yeah, it's like ooh, you want me to come to your back door. Give me your credit card number. I remember that. Hold on, I'm calling them right now. Can we do this? I don't know.

Two episodes left. Just do it. We've reached 800-FAT-GIRL, where it's just so easy to stick it in. Your credit card, that is. I have plenty of our big and nasty girls to go all the way around. Now, give it to me any time you want.

That's right, just enter your credit card number at any time during this message. Just call Wiggyville at $1.99 to find it. What do I just do? They can't, they can't, they got me, they got me. Call ASFAC, call ASFAC, 1-800-ASFAC. Is that a real one? Yeah.

Dude, so that 1-800-FAT-GIRL was like, my shit. We would go up there, it was like 10 of us. Kids that lived behind us and my next door neighbor and this kid lived at the top of the block, we'd all run there. I knew it was rich-y. Call 1-800-FAT-GIRL and just listen and be like, whoa, hang up the phone and run away.

I swear to God, I used to do it all the time. 1-800-ASFAC. Fuck, I can't believe we're calling these. Imagine, hello. Trying to get your ass fucked? Hey, baby, oh, I love Sephardi and I have enough energy to keep you hot all night long. Oh, yeah.

It's the same girl. I may be young, but I have the sweetest tips you've ever had your mouth on, baby, and I fuck like a whore. This is a better one than mine. If I'd heard that, I would have been like, all right. I have the sweetest tips you've ever put your mouth on. And I fuck like a whore.

And I fuck like a whore. Is that too much for full screen? Is there a TVMA rating on this? Oh my God, off the rails. More dirt wall. Wait, what else do we got? Ass fuck, I think it's the same girl. No, I think there's like sex fuck.

Sex fuck? Anything, like three letters and then four letters. OK, tiff fuck is going. Tiff fuck. Try tiff fuck. 1-800-TIT. They might be like the all the same message, so you might be disappointed.

I will be very disappointed. I don't know. Hi there, sexy. Thanks for calling 1-800-TIT. Well, you know I just called. Baby, I can't wait for you to bang my big tits around. This is a lot. I'm crying right now.

Bang her big tits around. This is my favorite day of the year. I am like, I'm reliving my childhood right now. This is what we had. By calling, yeah, there was no, I mean, we had porno growing up. No, we didn't though. But like when we were like fully discovering,

you know what we had in between our legs, we would go, do you remember, there was one time where we went on funnyjunk.com. And there was like a video that popped up. It was like a joke video, and then just tits popped up. I don't remember that. And your computer froze, and your dad was coming up the stairs. You like plugged it out the fucking wall.

I think he would have been OK if he found it. I mean, I think my dad was just looking for excuses to hit me back then. I'm going to be honest with you. I think he would have been all right. If anything, he would have been relieved. We spent a lot of time together growing up. A lot of time.

1 in 100 ass fuck. You know, like a whore. Miller Lite. Miller Lite. Miller Lite. Oh, man. What a good time. What a great time.

We didn't have any. But do you remember, we had lime wire. We had a weighted day. Bare share. I remember when lime wire went frost wire. So I was in college when I was downloading music illegally. Sorry, you know. And I opened lime wire one day, and boom, the FBI logo popped up.

And it was like, if you still use this, you will be banned, and they will come for you. And then my school sent out an email on the server if you are found using bear share, frost wire, lime wire, any of that. You'll get permanently just ass fucked. Take off. Take it off.

Well, there was always shit. You would download like, you know, I would download a song. Like I'd download Los Bandoleros by Tego Calderon and Don Omar. Turn into a narcos episode. And no, I'd download a song like that. And it would be like, you know, the audio, it would be like, you know, oh, fuck.

And I'd be like, what the fuck, you know, I I'd like play the preview because remember, you could do that. You can preview this song before it finished downloading. Yeah, it would. Like Kazaa, remember Kazaa? Never used Kazaa. I had Kazaa. I got caught because I downloaded a picture of Lita,

the female wrestler naked. But it wasn't her. It was like one of those Photoshop jobs where it was like some like redhead just like spread eagle. Yeah. And they just like photoshopped her face like smiling. Dude, that must be weird when you're a celebrity because I feel like that's like a common thing.

Like if you search like any celebrity's name and then Nudes, it's a picture of like them photoshopped like an obvious Photoshop job. Yeah. And for whatever reason, the girl always got a bush. Always got a bush. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I would I'd be flattered almost.

I mean, it depends on what they gave me, you know what I mean? Like if they photoshopped me onto like, you know, someone that is not as well endowed, someone that doesn't have an Einstok Olger in their pants, if you know what I mean? Then I'd be upset about it. But like if I'd be like, I'll run with it. I'll run with it.

That is me, actually. I'll absolutely run with it. Wow, I'm laughing like Scooby-Doo today, huh? Scooby. That's the second time we brought up Scooby-Doo on this podcast. That's how you know. Speaking of, when I had a screen name and we used to use AIM, I used to like I downloaded like translators.

So it would be like a Snoop Dogg translator or a Scooby-Doo translator. And one I spoke like Scooby-Doo for like an entire day on AIM. It was like, row, row. Like it would just like I would put ours in front of everything. No, it would. Yeah, it would just put ours in front of like all the vowels, basically. Dude, I used to kill it on AIM. Yeah.

Like I would like it was so dangerous to a relationship in sixth grade. It was in my aim profile. Oh, yeah. Like I mean, like the date it would like hearts. Hearts, asterisks, hearts all the time. I used to. It was so easy to have. I have like 40 girlfriends on AIM that I knew.

I knew them. Yeah, some of them were real. I don't know if all of them were, though. Let's be honest. Wait, what are you referring to? Like like people used to go into like chat rooms. Oh, I know. Literally, I remember it would be like join chat room.

And then like I'd put in like, you know, chat room one, two, three, four. And it would be a chat room full of 50 people and people would just be talking. And it would literally down the entire thing. ASL, ASL, ASL, ASL. Age, sex, location. That was huge. Miriam. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was probably like a pedophile name tag.

Oh, my God. You know how many pedophiles probably had a had their way with me? I never sent pictures, but like what? What do you mean? What? You just say a sentence like that. Like, no, no, we had their way with us. Had their way with me.

I had their way with me. They had like a dope sex thing. We have a hundred percent sexed in a chat room. It was called cyber back in the day. Cyber. I remember. Want a cyber? Want a cyber? Oh, my God. And it was C Y B 3 R.

Dude, I remember. And I remember I was in the room once and I I you were a big cyber guy. No, but I did it with a girl that I was like dating in like middle school. Cyber dating. Yeah. No, no, no, like I knew her school. OK. And what you know, my relationships in sixth grade were legendary. Not good. But and I remember my brothers were in the room

in our computer room where it was happening. And then like 40 minutes later, we're eating dinner and like a news thing pops on the TV about it. And my brother's like, Frank, don't you do this? And my mom like turned around and like wanted to fucking kill me. You just hop in chat rooms and talk to people, ASL it up. No, not really chat rooms. Like chat rooms that go in and just like make fun of people or like just like

throw down like a beyond. So have you ever cybered like a random person? A random. No, no, no, no, no. I can't remember if I have. I feel like I did. I would get you would get like you'd go into a chat room and you would just get because everyone would ask ASL and then everyone would answer. Yeah. And if you said like 12 male New York people were like, you were like like a celebrity.

Yeah, I would get people. What's good? People hit me up all the time, like on the side. And all their names were like, eat me one, two, nine. I remember one. Dick's Dick's Dick's Day. There was one on AIM called Hey, it's me one, two, three, oh, three. And they would hit me up all the time. OK, if you're out there, Hey, it's me one, two, three, oh, three.

They're in jail. I hope so. I really do. Chris Hansen broke down their door. I really hope so. What are you doing here? Yeah, I have a seat. But oh, boy, we grew up in the the. It was like prime real estate for for diddlers. You know, dude, cyber. I can't believe that.

Do you want a cyber? Yeah, I know these kids just FaceTime and show each other. They're like they're cocks. I was a girl that went to. So you and I went to different middle schools. Right. And there was a girl that went to your middle school who liked me. I liked her. So we were dating. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. We loved each other naturally. Right.

And I remember once I I remember showing you the picture. You probably don't remember it, but I would like write in graffiti. Couldn't write graffiti. I was off. It was literally like fucking cat. That was the thing back in the day. I feel like everyone was like it went through their ghetto phase. And then everyone tried to write graffiti. Everyone had like a tag. Oh, yeah.

My back in the day. Facts, too. Facts, too. Facts, too. It was big. And my brother's those little shits. You said go around the house and write facts, too, and everything. And my mom would get mad at me still to this day. That's smart. Very smart. But I remember I was dating her and I took a pic. I like I wrote like I love Mackenzie.

I could say her name. That's all right. I wrote it on like a piece of paper and like went to go take a picture with it, but wanted to be super dope and lit it on fire. Wait, why did you light it on fire? Do you thought that was like a dramatic effect? So dope. What do you, evil, conneval?

How? Yeah. Don't say I'm impressed by this. There are a few things like few inanimate objects that can, even though it's not technically an inanimate object that can like get me going. Fire is one of them. Hundred percent. I'm not a pyromaniac. I promise you're a big fire guy.

I'm not like jerking off to fucking buildings burning down. Don't keep this guy with me or fireplace. Hope. But I remember I lit it on fire and I went to go take a picture with the fucking digital camera I had, which you remember, those digital cameras are bricks and it would take four years for a picture. It was like flash, flash, fire, fire. And then it would finally take the picture.

And I took it, but like it fucked up. But I was so freaked out by the fire. Like the pictures of me like eyes wide scared Mackenzie. I was like, it's fucking awful. I don't remember having seen that picture at all. Those are the good times, though. Middle school relationships. I remember in eighth grade, I was dating this girl, Melissa.

She wanted to hold my hand. Oh, right. That's hot. I'm not a big handholder guy, by the way. All about it. I'm not. I hate it. I don't like I love showing affection. I don't like it's not about showing affection because I'm down to show affection. I'll kiss your cuddle guy, by the way.

The huge coddler. Oh, yeah. In both positions, big, little, I'm about it. Do I? I'm a tall guy. When I sleep, I curl up into a ball, literally. Like it's impossible for me to sleep. I just you know what it is about holding hands. I just don't like things in between my fingers. Oh, I like it. No, I don't like it.

But anyway, in eighth grade, this girl wanted me to hold her hand under the desk in our last period class, which was like 40 minutes. She held my hand the entire fucking time. And my hand was soaked in sweat when I was. I did not pull away for a second in sixth grade. This girl I dated in our science class, we used to sit next to each other.

So like it started off with the pinky. Oh, you would like touch pinkies and we would touch pinkies. And it would be sitting there like, oh, my God. And then it became like we would like cross legs. Dude, these are the moves because I used to do the same thing. Like the pinky was always the move. Any girl, I guess, like up like she will hold my hand.

Let's find out. I do the pinky. Absolutely. Yeah. Pinkies the move. Right. The most important finger. On your hand. Dude, you know what I was about? I was just like, as long as our shoes are touching, like we're touching right now. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like it was a huge deal. Yeah. Huge. I was so I this the same girl with the legs is the one I we used to write love notes back and forth to each other. And we we didn't want to get caught. Of course. Duh. Right. I was always ahead of the curve. Yeah. Curve, not curb. Dangerous to be ahead of the curb here in the street.

Yeah. Dangerous. Miller light, Miller light, Miller light, Miller light. And so I was Chester. And I remember when we were like breaking up, you know, I'm going to just keep going. I don't want you to talk about. Wait, hold on. Your name was Chester.

What was her name? Why did you pick Chester? Because it was there was no Chester. I would have picked someone else in the class. That would have been really good. I am conniving. That would have been really good. But I was Chester. Right.

And we were breaking up and I via note. Dude, I'm I'm a mental assassin. Right. So what I did is I like licked my pinky, like put it down on the paper. So the paper got wet, circled it and then put an arrow next to it and wrote tear. I meant fucking business. You. My parents hated Frankie when we were younger, by the way,

because he did stuff like this. He was just like a little. Oh, what a reason I hate someone. I was a little shit. I didn't like that. I mean, like we would always lie to them about everything we did. Yeah. And I was the one I got in trouble for it because it was always your idea.

Not entirely. When we started making videos of you fucking, you know, drop kicking me off of a fucking stone ledge. That was your idea. I just super lit. I just said, sure. I was about it. You weren't going to hear me argue.

You know, it's funny that before you mentioned the burning thing, because in sixth grade, I was dating. This girl. Let's make sure we use air quotes. What? Right. I was dating this girl, Samantha. Oh, right. Big fan, big fan.

I remember you were a big fan. I was a huge fan. Big. We never kissed, dated nine months. Could have had a child. Never kissed, hugged a lot. Hugging in between classes. A hug was pretty much like piping. Dude, every day, every day at the end of the day,

I just bear hugged this fucking bitch. I am my seventh grade girlfriend. I used to, like the first time we kissed, I had to like set kissing ground rules because what? Like we like started, you know, like asked her out that day and like she went to go home and I went to go home. So we went to go kiss and she went for them. And I went for the the make out.

You went for the make out. She went for the tap kiss. That's a dangerous combo. Yeah, that's like paper covers rock. That's yeah, it's real rough. And after that, I felt so fucking stupid. So I was like, listen, from now on. We see each other.

Tap kiss, freaky thing. We leave tap kiss. Everything else in between where alone, we can make out as much as you want. You set rules. Yeah, that's good. All right, before we move on, let's get to the sponsor willing to have one today.

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that's stamps.com and enter basement. Enjoy and let's get back to the show. But anyway, this sixth grade girl house obviously crazy about. Why wouldn't you be? Right, and I remember vividly doing the pinky move. We went to some arcade place and then we were sitting in the car on the way home

and I was just inching my hand over, just inching it, and then our pinkies touched. We didn't hold hands though. I wanted to hold that hand. The pinky was the go-to move. Oh yeah. I can't tell you, there are countless women I used to do the pinky move with.

Everyone gets a fucking pinky. The pinky move with. It's a super stellar move. And you know what's always a good one? It's always like give them the power. Like, you know, I wanted to hold your hand but I didn't think you wanted to. Yeah.

See this is why Frankie's a man. No, I would have loved that. I would have loved to. Yeah, and you're like, oh. I dare you. I did that once with a, I did that once with a girl. I was like, you know, and it was like fairly, it was like back in college.

It was a girl that I was dating. I was like, this is college. Listen man, once shooter's gonna shoot, you know? I was like, I was hanging out with this girl. I was hanging out with this girl, you know, was practicing self-control. And she left and I texted her immediately when I got back to my dorm room.

I was like, I wanted to kiss you so bad but I know you didn't want to. And it's fine. Like I'm not upset about it. I just want to let you know. What? Come back here right now. Done.

The go-to move. Oh my God. You're an idiot. We had some good. Hold on. I keep getting, we keep going off the rails but this girl was dating in sixth grade for nine months.

Finish your damn story. I'm trying, Mr. fucking. Line stalker. Olgurg, man. We're drinking the Olgurg now. Olgurg, man. Like I'm slurping soup over here. Anyway, so that girl, she broke up with me.

Devastated me, okay? It was in the summertime. She did it over the house phone. I remember that. She called me, she called my landline. Okay? Big move. Big move.

Called me on the landline and said, I think we should see other people. She actually said it in the sixth grade. We should see other people. Who? Where? Who were you gonna see? Yeah.

Where are we seeing? Let me go in for a night on the town. But you know, at the handball court. She said that and I remember back in the day she gave me this picture, right? Of her and her two friends. And she gave it to me and I kept it. And then when she broke up with me,

I burned it. But I burned like half of it. And then like I live, I was on, my room was on the second floor of our house. So I burned it, half of it, and then I threw it out the window. Very dramatic. And I was by myself.

Symbolic. Right? Yeah. And I don't want the world to see me. Goudals was definitely playing in the background. Cause I don't think that's 100% what was going on. Oh yeah, it was. So then 10 minutes later, my mom comes upstairs

with the half burnt picture in her hand. And I was like, what's up? She's like, how's it going? Yeah. What's up? I'm not crying. What are you saying? What's up?

And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And she was just upset at me cause I was playing with fire. I was burning pictures in my fucking bedroom. When I didn't want my parents to know I was crying over a girl or something, I would like when they would like, if they were coming to my room or I was going out of my room to go get them,

I would like fake like bash my face against the wall. I'd like walk into a door and be like, oh, oh man, that hurts so bad. What's up? Yeah. Worked every time. It sounds like it. It worked every time.

You're a really good fucking lot. You're like making up. You can murder someone. Don't do this. Don't do this. Convince you can murder someone and get away with it. Don't do this. Don't do this right now.

I just, I always, I'm always thinking one step ahead. When I was in middle school, what I used to do is I hated going to school so much is I used to make a concoction. I remember this. That would look like vomit. And like put in like some like, of like whatever we had for dinner that night.

And then I would like, my mom would be like walking by. And I would like pantomime throwing up, throw it on the floor. You're like, I'm so sorry, you know. Don't go to school. Yeah. You're done. Go to bed.

And be like, okay. And I'd fucking run up and say, beep, beep, beep. I remember that. I remember you telling me that. You're like, yo, clam chowder, toss it in the toilet. You're chilling. You're clam chowder.

Yeah. You think I was having clam chowder for dinner? You would probably go to the store and buy it. You were that psychotic. No, it would be like, you know what was crazy? I would mix like, you know, I hate mustard. Hate it. But the consistency is perfect.

With like water. I would put in a little bit of like my mom's conditioner, her hair conditioner. What? Just for some chunks. It would just work. Just for some chunks. It would work.

And then whatever like we had for dinner and just throw it on the floor. And then I was like, I'm sorry. I don't know how my mom never cut on, to be honest with you. I feel like every time that I stay home sick from school, I got sick. Yeah, it was like, someone was like, you piece of shit. A dead relative was getting me sick.

Yeah, like, you know what? Cuffing in my mouth. I see what you're trying to do. Oh, you want to be sick. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, I feel sick. I think I have a thief. Yeah.

But when I would fake sick, never go to school. When I was actually sick, there was no way I was getting out. Zero percent. I used to fake sick all the fucking time. In middle school, I did. High school, I loved high school so much that I wouldn't. How's the opposite? I would always go to middle school.

It was great. It was amazing. No, I love high school. I love high school. Lotta girls. I don't know why I said that. You can't say those things on our YouTube. Lotta girls.

Is it weird that I can go back in eighth grade and be like, yo, that girl's hot? Like, you know what I mean? Is it weird that we're like adults now? You know like your sophomore or junior year of high school? Let's say junior year of high school, you're 17 years old, and you want to go back and kind of reminisce on Myspace, right? And you're like, oh, you remember this girl, she was so hot.

Like at that, but at that time, when they're posing those pictures, they're like 13. Yeah. And you're like, this is probably not the best thing to say. Bad idea. That's pretty much, I think, the most aggressive problem this country is facing right now. I would say so.

I would definitely say so. Right. You know, and it's just like, I'm so glad I can't go back to my Myspace from back then. I can. Actually, no, I actually forgot to pass. You know what? I'm good now.

Like I'm pretty good with like my like social media stalking skills. So people I knew back then I can find. Like I found like four or five people we were talking about earlier. Yeah, you did, which was interesting. Good. I dated a girl for one block. What? Beginning of the block.

I asked her out. Joanna. Yeah. Top of the block. I asked her out by the time we got to the bottom. She said yes. 47th Street. Yeah.

But she had said yes by the time we got to the bottom. She was like, she was not feeling that. Never mind. Is that what she said? I don't remember what exactly she said. I wonder how that breakup goes. I don't know. I don't remember exactly what she said.

So this girl, Joanna, that we grew up with, I was like in love with her. And I don't know if I was in love with her. She had big boobs for her age. And I think that was a big thing. There it is. See, this is again. There it is.

The old girl. The old girl. Miller. And the old girl. And the old girl. But you know. So this girl, I was like in love with her. And I used to hang out with her like every day.

And I liked her, but I don't think she liked me. And I was like crying or one night or whatever. And my mom came into my room. She's like, oh my god, what happened? I was like, mom, I don't want to talk about it like whatever. And she's like, no, it's the other thing. What's wrong? I was like, mom, please.

And then she wouldn't leave me alone. And then I said this. I was like, relax. It's not like I got raped or something. And she was like, you better tell me now why you're crying. Because then she thought like my uncle grabbed my leg or something. Yeah, like Uncle Jimmy Diddle to you or something. Yeah, you know, we're playing hide and seek.

And we were literally made a fine situation as bad as you possibly could. And then I had to explain to her that I like this girl. And she was like, all right, bye. I would you know, I swear to God, I'm not making this up. And I promise this is real. Oh, when I was young. This is a can I do this?

Can I take this out of the stand? Take it out, dude. Go on. This is a stand. This is a sit back kind of. I swear to God. This is a sit back kind of podcast. I swear to God, this is true.

And I wish it was fake. The first time that I experienced shrinkage. Shrinkage of your dick. Not where I thought this was going. Dick's shrink, by the way. Just saying. For people who don't know, they do. Watch Seinfeld.

It has to get closer to your body in order to remain warm. Right. Ramel knows. Ramel knows everything. Ramel knows everything. Ramel knows it. So anyway, I cried. Because I thought I was losing inches.

And I needed all the help I could get back then. I'll take a spare inch or two. It said, hey, that's tough. But anyway, so I was crying. And no one knew why. And what do you say? So I remember being in the bathroom. I'm like, what happened to my dick?

And I was like, what the fuck's going on? So I ran into my room. And I was crying hysterically to the point where my mom came in. She's like, what's going on? What's wrong? I was like, I don't want to talk to you. Tell dad to come in here.

So my dad comes in the room. And I'm like, and I tell him, my pain has got small. This is really sad. I'm like feeling for you right now. This is real. I'm like seriously upset. And he was like, what do you mean? And I was like, I just.

Because I don't have that. Walking around big dick everywhere. And then I was super young. And then I had to show him and be like, wow. And all he said was, you're fine. I know what that's from. And he left. That was it.

He left me with that. He didn't even give you an example. Like he didn't tell you what was going on. No, he didn't explain. He didn't do anything. That's a mind assassin right there. Yeah, but for some reason, I was like, OK. Like I believed him.

I'm OK. He was like, you're fine. I know what that's from. And then he walked out. Good. He letting you experience life on your own terms. I was not happy. He'll let you experience.

I remember one time. I don't know what the fuck was up with me. But the first time I ever asked for condoms, I asked my dad. And dumb. Dumb for me. He couldn't have been happier. That's like every father's dream. Right.

Can I have a condom? Having their son ask for condoms or something. So I remember. I don't remember how old I was. And I had no business having condoms. Right. 0%. And we were driving back from his house.

And he goes, I'm like, dad, literally not talking. Zero, zero conversation going on. I go, dad, can you buy me condoms? Almost like he did a fucking U.E. on Northern Boulevard. And he's like, I got you, Frank. We fucking drove to the nearest CVS. And he goes, I'll be right back. And he goes, you all right in there, Kyle?

OK. And then he goes into CVS and he comes out. And he throws me the box of the green Trojans, the Twisted Pleasures. Twisted Pleasure. Where it's like the top is like a fucking drill bit. Right, yeah. Like a speed bit.

And again, I have zero reason to have these right now. Right. Strictly like to jerk off. Obviously, I've jerked off in a condom. So I'm like. Has everyone here jerked off in a condom? Come on. Before you fuck with me.

Romel's not answering. Yeah, Romel probably is. Well, the guy in the Cleveland shirt definitely has today alone. Let's be honest. You've got to jerk off in a condom to know what you're getting into. So I guess.

I mean, if that. That was my logic. With the cock ring and a condom on and blindfolded. And sit on your hand. You're in the twilight zone. This is a lot of effort. Hey, some people go through it. But they do.

He threw me this box of condoms like fucking Greg Maddox in the NLCS like Greg Maddox. He's like, so you could fucking drill that shit in. He didn't say that. I swear to God. I swear. So you could drill that shit in. And I was like, wow, good, good father.

That was nice to him. Thank you, dad. I never got the sex talk from either of my parents. The only thing my dad has ever said to me. And it was literally just this out of nowhere. He comes up to me and goes, listen, you can be blue. You can be red. It could be any color you want.

Don't be stupid. Then he walked away. And I was like, what? That applies to everything. I was like, is he talking about a mood? Like a mood ring? That's really good. But then I was like, what is that?

And then I was like, what do you mean? He's like, don't be stupid. Use condoms. But it was like a random day. We weren't talking about anything. My mom has never brought it up because I just don't have the relationship with my mom. You know what I mean?

All my dad ever said to me was, don't get someone pregnant. Don't get HIV. That's all he said. Solid advice. Super. The basics. Sound advice. The basics.

One time my mom convinced my brother that his dick was going to start getting black spots and fall off. And he was like 12 instead of crying at the dinner table. Why, was he fucking? No, but she just, being a mom, like, oh, well, you better not do that because it'll get black spots on your winky.

And then bye-bye. Just like that. A winky? That's what she said. She was all about winkies and black spots. Yeah. Can you imagine waking up with black spots? Like a Dalmatian dick?

I would be half hype, half terrified. I'd be kind of like, I'd want to show a lot of people. Oh, yeah. You first. Wake up in a text. Dude, remember that podcast? Guess what? Guess what?

I have vitiligo just on my dick. I don't even know what you just said. Someone else? Anyone? No one? What was that? Vitiligo. It's like the disease where, like, the pigmentation

of your skin goes away, like what Michael Jackson had. Why'd you just do air quotes? Because fucked up, it's his birthday right now. Is it? I think so. August 30th is his birthday. Michael Jackson. Saw it on Instagram.

Got to be real, right? I have to look that up. If it is, shout out to the king of pop. Shout out. Shout out to the king of pop. Shout, tout. Um, yeah, that's a... Anyway, I have a question that I want to ask you.

Oh, fuck. OK. I have it written down, even though I know it by heart, I want to look at it when I tell you. By the way, Michael Jackson's daughter? Good. Which one? Blanket, lampshade.

Paris. Paris. Oh, Paris. It's beautiful. I don't know what she looks like, I'll be honest with you. Are you kidding me? Take a look at Paris Jackson. After I look up his birthday.

Paris Jackson. I'm looking her up right now. He was, oh, she was born, she's 19, so we can say that she's good. Thank God. She's 19? Yeah. Yeah, she's, yeah.

She's beautiful. He was born on August 29th. Ooh, a day late. Day late, dog. A day short. Damn. I was close. Day late.

So ask your question, because then I have something I want to ask you based on a conversation we had the other day. OK. So the question is, at what age does a milf become a milf? Because I don't think you're a milf if you're 17 with a kid. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm a big, like, dictionary definition guy.

You're a milf once you have a kid, you know what I mean? So it's like, no. Yeah, absolutely. Because the milf, the milf is like, it's like a methodical creature, OK? It's not supposed to be like. So you're going with, like, what's the, like, the denotative definition versus the connotative?

I'm going to get a nosebleed with the connotative. That's three words now. Denotative is, like, what it means in the dictionary. Connotative is, like, what it socially means. I'm saying, I'm going, what it means. Mom, I'd like to put them. Dude, we just called 1-800-FAT-Girl. I think you could say the word fuck.

I could say fuck. Yeah. So girls had fucked me like a horror before on the phone. On her. First of all, I love how she went to her titties being in your mouth first. She didn't go anywhere else, but there'll be the sweetest titties in your mouth.

Big fan of titties in the mouth, by the way. It's a go-to move. Oh. But I, dude, once you have a kid, you're a milf. If you're a milf. I think you're a milf when you're at least minimum. And this is pushing it 29. Wow.

29's fucking pushing it. I'll be a generous. Sorry, if I look to my left and my right, and there's a 22-year-old with a kid and a 30-year-old with a kid, they still have a kid. They're still moms. But I don't think they're milfs. I definitely do.

And I don't 100%. How dope is it to call a 22-year-old a milf, though? No, awesome, that is. I'd wear that like a fucking Hester Prince, Scarlet A on my shirt. No. Absolutely. No, 100%.

I don't think so. I think. And when does a gilf become a gilf? Never. They got it. Nope. There's not one old woman that's good. I mean, I don't know if they're a girlfriend, a grandma.

If their old chances are, well, are you going just by age as being a gilf, or by if they're a grandmother? So what if there's like an 80-year-old or 70-year-old woman that has never had kids? Is she a grandma to you, a gilf? See? These are the hard-hitting questions that they need to ask on CNN.

I don't know. She's just like a really seasoned cougar. Listen, if we're going to say, Milf is mom, I'd like to fuck, they need to be a mom. As soon as they are a mom, as soon as they break that threshold and shatter that glass ceiling. I'm not going to give away that fucking, I'm not giving away that title like 10s at a dunk contest.

I'm not just going to give that out. OK, you started it. You used that 10s at a dunk contest before. Because the other day, I wanted to bring this up here. Every person does it in the world where they rank celebrities. They have that 1 through 10 ranking. I'm going to get upset. And the other day, I said something.

We were ranking dudes, hot dudes. Hot dudes, he knows. Frank's a big Romel guy. Romel's up there. The guy behind the camera, my camera, Frank's a big fan. He's good. He's super good. I said earlier, before we went out there,

if my girlfriend was in this room and saw Romel, she's gone. She's gone. I'll never see her again. But I said, we were ranking hot dudes. And I said, kid Harrington, Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, take away the hair, take away the accent. He looks just like everyone else. This is the dumbest argument I've ever heard in my life.

And let me explain why. That's like saying, pick anyone. Who's your celebrity crush? Celebrity crush. It's fucking old girls again, mate. Dude, I'm a big Chris Pratt fan. Chris Pratt. Super good, dude.

Shave his eyebrows, paint his face. No, but eyebrows are different. Eyebrows are different. That's not cosmetic. Eyebrows are a necessity. If you take away something, like if I cut my hair, you'll tell me. Shave a bald, then. Yeah, then it looks garbage.

Exactly. You can't just say that. Yeah, I can. Listen, Jon Snow has asked many occasions. You have told me on many occasions that I look better when I don't have long hair. Right? Yeah, I know.

Oh. So you just... What does that have to do with anything? The hair, the facial hair, and like different parts of people, you think it just looks. Yes. It's not just looks. It's all, it's hair.

It's, are they, can you have a beer with them? Are, you know, yeah, absolutely. You don't know these fucking people. They're enough in our airwaves to know a decent amount about them. How many times have you seen Kit Harrington and not Jon Snow? The time he did the video with Coldplay, where he was singing Wild Things. So one.

And on Jimmy Kimmel a few times. Two, three. Listen, but that's what we need. We need that, like, that does a lot. No. That does a lot. Listen, I'm just saying, Jon Snow, because... So what do you, where do you give him Kit?

First of all, who's name and their child that? Kit, yeah, I feel bad. You gotta figure that out. As Kit Harrington right now. Today. Jon Snow, yes. I'm saying he's a, he's a 7.5. Because?

I'll go 7.8. Because he looks too much like me for me to rank him any higher. I know my place. I know my place in all this. I'll go 7.8 for him. All right, so who's your pinnacle? Who's your 10?

Who's, give me your one and your 10. I need these bookends. Fight Club Brad Pitt is a 10. This new Brad Pitt, that's like the weird crying photo shoot one, is not my cup of tea at all. But Fight Club Brad Pitt with the Hawaiian shirts and just, just a sexy guy. Hawaiian shirts.

Okay. Told ya. Look different on him than you. Let's go, let's say that. Oh, it's because of what's behind the curtain. Right, exactly. Let's be honest. Don't open the curtain.

It's like Wizard of Oz. Don't look at the man behind the curtain. Don't look at the wizard. Yeah, don't, yeah. He's good. He's good. I wouldn't give him a 10. Who's a one?

I don't know. I'm gonna throw out random names. You give me one to 10. Okay, and I'm gonna explain them. I want you to, if you don't know why I give it to them, you ask me because Joey, for background, Joey is the highest standards I've ever met on someone. I'm the Russian judge here.

He is the Russian judge. And he says I give out 10s like it's the NBA dunk contest. You do. You're Dominique Wilkins, just yep, whatever. Tomahawk dunk. 10s are well earned. 10s are well, well earned. Okay, so come on, ask me.

Give me some random people. Random name, here we go. Mike Myers. I'm gonna say on looks of five, but the dude's hilarious. So he's bumping up to a 6.2. Fair. Yeah, fair. Because it's not just looks like.

He's a great, yeah. Listen, I'm like a dude. I'm a solid, I'm a solid four in the looks. But my personality bumps me up to a strange eight. But that's the other thing. Like there's not just like numbers. There's like in Blackjack, in Vegas, there's like a hard 17 and a soft 17.

There's like a strange eight. There's a hard eight. Yeah, there's a soft eight. There's people that are like, I don't know why there are a seven. You can't put your finger on it. So Mike Myers will give a 6.2. Okay, what about John Krasinski?

That guy's up there. He's the total package. I mean, he's up there, but let's not get crazy. All right, I'm gonna say 8.04. Wow, you know what? I was literally, literally in my head thinking 8.1. 8.04. I'm gonna, I'm up there with it.

Dude, the office is one of the funniest shows ever seen. He kills it. Good on that. And he's ripped. Dude in 13 hours. And he's hilarious. Good guy. All three.

Okay. Seth Rogan. Ooh. That's really tough. It is tough. I'm gonna say again, like a three in the looks. Ha ha ha ha ha. Three in looks.

Okay. But he's hilarious too. So he gets bumped up to like a, I would say like a 6.84. I'll go 6.2. Okay. 6.2, 6.84. Let me give you some.

Okay, go ahead. Let me give you. Go ahead. Let me turn on you. Throw it on me. Okay. George Clooney. What year?

Ooh. I will say, not E.R. George Clooney. Okay. I'm gonna say. Tell me, Ocean's 11, George Clooney. Ocean's 11, George Clooney. Okay. This guy is a fucking 9-4.

9-4. Guy's got it all. Guy's got it all. He might be a 9-1 right now. 9-1. Because he's got the salt and pepper. Which works. It works.

It works. You know how bad I want salt and pepper? I don't want salt and pepper because I can't pull it off like George. I definitely can with these locks. Ramell knows. What do you see? Ramell knows.

Ramell? Can we get Ramell over here? Frank, what's Ramell? Oh. This should be good. Stand up. Oh man. I'm going like a solid 7.1?

7-1? 7-1. 7-1? I gotta be honest. I thought you were going way higher with that. Oh, I'm going to get one now. Controversial one. Channing Tatum.

Listen, I know you hate Chan. I don't hate Chan. You hate his acting? He's not a good actor. He's great in 21 Jump Street and 22 Jump Street because he's playing an idiot. What about in bed, holo? Doesn't do it for me.

He's like that girl that has a slut face. She's not hot, but she has slut face and you're fucking like, damn, I don't know what the fuck. For the story, Ramell's got one sip of that Miller light. And he's like, I made it, dude. They do something to you. I'm telling you. You think it's the lights?

The Miller, the old girl? Yeah. Imagine if they were dirt wolves. If this was dirt wolf, we'd all have fucking trouble. I'm pretty sure I'd be. We'd be talking about their fire place. I don't know what it is. Go get me started.

There goes his fire. All right, one more. Go ahead. You know what? This was recently. You didn't rate Channing. Oh, I'm going like, I'm going like a, because I'm aware that other people find him attractive,

I'll go like a 7.3. What? Yeah. Channing Tatum's a 7.3. Dude, you also got the body. He's built. I'm going higher. Really?

I'm not going lower. He doesn't do it for me. Doesn't do it. You disgust me. And you said, I'm a Russian judge. Yeah. For girls, 10s everywhere. Yeah.

For guys, I'm strict with it. I'm strict on both sides. Channing Tatum is nowhere near anything that begins with a 7. Guys an 8, no matter what. Even if he punches me in the face. I don't know about that. If he punched me in the face, he might get an 8.

He might get an 8. He might. I don't know what that'll do. All right, last one. This was recently in the news. OK. Don't go there. No, Steve Carell.

This was in the news. You didn't see the Silver Fox picture of him? It was literally like fucking, I think it was Jimmy Fallon had him on and spoke about it. Because a picture came out of him carrying groceries, just like Silver Fox, salt and pepper. I got to look this picture up then. Is that the term, Silver Fox?

Pretty sure. Steve Carell, Silver Fox. I just wrote Silver. This is a picture of a car. It's a bunch of cars. There's no Steve. Oh, I wrote Steve Carr. This makes sense.

Silver. Steve Carell, Silver. Wow, this is a good looking dude. This guy's fucking good. This guy pulls off gray hard. Hard. Every woman's, and he's got the humor. Oh, he's hilarious.

So where do you put him? Steve Carell is a, Steve Carell's a 7'8". That's a good one. I was going to say 7'6". 7'8". 7'6". 7'8". Enjoy the office.

Just two dudes being bros, rank another hot dude. Just two dudes being bros. We talked about Disney princesses. Yeah. And dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Olger, man. The Olger gets you.

I don't, I don't know where it came from, but I can't believe we haven't, you haven't had a beer sponsorship. Me neither, dude. It's a dangerous, it's a dangerous sponsorship. It's a slippery slope. It's a really slippery slope. Yeah, you just slip. I want to do more dudes to be honest with you.

Oh, you want to do more dudes? Is that a bad sentence? Bros doing dudes. Want to do more dudes. Segment called bros being dudes. What other guys stand up? Throw out, throw out an actor name. Boom, someone.

Give us. The guy from Mr. Robot. Romney Malick. Romney Malick. Couldn't be higher than a four for me. No matter what he is, it's strange. I know that. It's a strange.

He looks like a bug, but like I'm sort of down because of his character. That's every, any video you see, any shot in that show. He's got like bug eyes, but like a strong jaw. Yeah. You know what I mean? Really strange. Yeah, he's like a strange.

Come on, give us more. Strange six. Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey. That's a good one. Kevin Spacey and pay it forward. Ooh, with the half burned face. Nope.

I'm saying Kevin Spacey in a house of cards. Not a big cards guy. I've never seen the show, but just looking at him. Kevin Spacey for an older dude. Ooh, I got a good one. John Hamm. John Hamm's a fucking sexy dude. He's a sexy dude.

Oh man. He's a sexy dude. I never understand that thing where it's like, oh, I want you to fuck my wife. John Hamm. I get it. Taker. Taker.

I couldn't get rid of her quick enough with John Hamm. John Hamm's a good looking dude. I want to be a part of that experience, but I don't want to be the person who's in it getting banked. Who else? Who else we got, boys? Derek Jeter.

Derek Jeter. On the looks? Not high up there, but it's Derek Jeter. I'm a New Yorker. I'm a fucking, I'm a fucking Yankee fan. Here's the thing, Derek Jeter. That guy hasn't done anything wrong ever. Fair.

And there was a rumor that he gave some people herpes. And I was just like, I think I'm kind of in minority here. I don't want those herpes. I want those herpes. I kind of want them, you know? If you're going to get them, get them from G. Sign me up. Get them from Cap.

Because he was like giving people like 10 G, a signed baseball, a signed bat to shut up. Just give me the herp. Just give me that. Give it all. It lasts forever. That bat's going to go on Amazon one day. Yeah, give it all.

That's a good one. What else you guys got? This beer's good. This is really good, the one I have. You want to try mine? No. The beaver. We're going to be different on this one.

We are going to be different, I think. OK. In my opinion, go ahead. I can't look past the fact that he seems like a whiny bitch. He is kind of whiny. But he's a good looking dude. He's really, his tattoos are really fucking stupid. Yeah, looks alone, I would say an eight.

Tattoos down to a seven. Whiny bitch down to a six-five. He's not a six-five. If I had to honestly rate him. If I had to honestly rate him, he's at least an eight, dude. He's like an eight, too. He's like an eight, too. He's no John Hamm.

All right, how about this? This is a weird one. I like this. And I want the peanut gallery's opinion, too. Same. Bill Clinton. Billy. Billy, the first, as people call him, the first black.

BJ Bill. Dude, Bill can talk his way in my pants. I'm not. What? He starts to get a two. Looks alone, a two. And he talks his way right up, right? He talks his way.

He's right there. I just spilled beer all over. He's right there. I mean, he's getting presidential points. Listen, I don't give away points or anything, but if you're president, plus five. Really? A five, dude?

D. Trumps? That would make him a zero. If you're a good guy. He's a negative five. You know, Trump's one of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my life. We're getting shut down right now. Yeah, done.

CIA is going to pump through the door right now. Political views aside, what an ugly man. Yeah, not good. What an ugly man. His wife, though, she's nice. Feel bad for her, though. You know she's getting chained to the fucking radiator. It's just great.

That's it. That was all you had. That was good. What else we got? What else can we throw in there? James Franco. Too artsy for me. Yeah, he's very.

Really artsy. Wasn't he trying to like bang a 19 year old that one time? And what's wrong with that? I mean, I get it. Yeah, right? She's an adult. Let it go. She's mature.

Yeah. And finally, get him an ol' gurg. Oh, here's a good one who I'm super about. Idris Elba. Idris. Idris Elba. Idris is like, that guy is always in a suit. Just like, he's just sharp.

He's an 8.8. Sharp. He's an 8.8 because not only has he got the looks, he got the silver fox. He's a Brit. And he's called that Brit. He's right here. You sound like Jason Statham.

Yo, it's Saturday night. He was also up there. Good look, but he's balding. Yeah, but he pulls it. But he was, he like, he pulls it when he's full bald. But like, when you see the sides coming in, it like, it brings you back down to reality. Yeah, like a George Costanza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Idris Elba. Idris is up there, dude. Up there, super up. Chris Brown. Zero. Oh, OK. Fuck him.

I don't give a fuck. OK, this is getting heavy here. Sorry. Give me another ogre, you know? You didn't even finish your ogre. You opened another beer. So I always do this with beers. Like at the end, I don't want to drink them

because by that time, it's like super warm. I'm pretty sure you are the person I read about in my nightmares. I read in my nightmares. I read in my nightmares. I really like this guy rating system. I read it. Why?

Because. Wait, you really like it? I like it. Oh, I love it. I could do this literally all day. How long have you been recording? An hour, seven. Ooh.

Hour, seven. We're just letting it run. Oh, I'm ready to piss. I'm going to hold it. Yeah, you're going to hold it. Because we're going to rate Steven Steve Harvey. Dude, I fucking love Steve Harvey. I've got a Steve Harvey vibe.

I love. Bring me to Alvarez family. Show me penis. Bring me to Alvarez family. First of all. And the smiffs. I didn't know you can fit that many buttons on a suit. First of all, really weird sort of racist show.

Always white versus black. Oh, well. Always. Isn't everything America, you know? Old girl. You know, the old girl is making me have to say this. Dude, I fucking love Steve Harvey. I think he's hilarious.

No, he's great. I think he is so damn funny. But I can't get past giant teeth and Velcro mustache. Give me to Alvarez family. Yeah. That's not bad. You can steal the points from the smiths. And you may, when he gets like pissed off,

you may, when he's like fucking walking around. I'm a big Steve Harvey guy. I'm going to give him, I'm going to give him a 5.3. I'll meet you there. 5.3. I'll meet you there. I think he's great. But let's be honest.

Love Steve Harvey. But look, dude, by the way, this is completely different than this rating system. But there's a video on YouTube of Steve Harvey. Yeah. And he gets surprised on his show. Oh, by the people that like took him in when he was homeless? I watched that when I heard a good cry.

You know when you need a good cry? And you're just like, always. I need this. Always. Need a cry. I mean, I don't know. I watched a video this morning of, I know I might be getting real here, but a guy in Houston

finding out that his father's OK after he walked 12 miles looking for him. Bed. I'm in the gym. And it hit me. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're crying.

That was real. The Steve Harvey video, if you look it up, it's like Steve Harvey's surprised on his own show. As soon as he sees it, he's just like, oh, man. Yeah, oh, man. And then he starts choking up. He starts crying. I bawl every time.

For that, I'm giving him a six now. Yeah, you know what? Here's a new one. Howie Mandel. Four. Everything included. I said three, six. Here's another one.

Simon Cowell. Simon's kind of oddly hot. Not a fan of his chest. He's a guy who loves the v-neck. Dude, super face. Don't know why. First of all, you know why. Second of all, he's got a weird old dude chest.

And I'm fine with it. I wish I had his old dude chest. You know when old people's skin starts to get see-through a little bit? Translucent. Like, they get the varicose veins. It looks like salami. It's kind of like there's white spots everywhere.

You're like, what is that? It's like an olive loaf. Yeah, it's like, what is this? So that's what. Does anyone eat olive loaf? I don't even know what that is. I kind of just went with that. It's like the bologna that has olives in it.

Don't know what that is. I hope no one does. Who does it here? Tell me someone here does it. Kyle? All right, good. He was the one I was worried about. Yeah, me too.

I am open to Jackie Chan. Ooh, big check. Did you see the video of him reuniting with his original stunt team? No, is it sad? It is. He's sitting there talking about his original. So he opened a stunt, like, studio or whatever it is,

like, agency, and they did stunts for all these, like, kung fu movies through, like, the 70s and 80s. Right. And he hadn't seen these people, the original people, since then, and he's watching a video montage and talking about them, and they come from behind him, and he just loses it. I fucking like Jackie Chan.

I'm a big Jackie guy. I'm a big Jackie. I'm going to give him a, I'm going to give him a 6'8". I'll give myself him for doing his own stunts. Split the difference. Jackie Chan? 6'9". He bucks.

6'9". Oh, yeah, dude. All right, we need a few more, just as a send-off. I don't even know where to go. It's like the craziest people you can think of. Oh, Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Not a fan. Yeah, zero.

Not a zero. Zero's heavy. Let's be honest. I'd say a five, a soft five. I will say this. Would have been a seven on looks. Can't stand listening to him. I'm sure he's a cool dude.

Yeah, he's, but like, come on, let's be honest. What he was introduced to us with? Not my type. I like rugged. He's too pretty. You know what I mean? If I'm going, dude, it's a rugged guy. Yeah.

OK. We're going rugged. Oh, like super rugged. No, I think about it. Not like homeless. I just meant like, no, no, but rugged. All right, here's one up for debate. Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman. On looks? What a fuck. He's battling uphill. OK, Shawshank Redemption. Shawshank, I mean. Or we'll go Bruce Almighty. Morgan Freeman.

God, we'll go God. We'll go God. I got one more to end it, but we'll talk about Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman's voice is a plus five. Yeah, that's an easy five. It's an easy five. So I'll say, on looks, he's battling. He's upward of a two to three.

So I'll say, given everything included, I'll say he's a 7.4. I'll go 7-1. Fine. I'm cool with that. Last one, and then we'll end the show and then do the extra yard. Jesus.

I knew it. How did I know? Jesus is a hot dude. I don't know. Listen, we're getting too into religion. We need to think of one seriously. We're getting into religion at all. You think people are going to be happy if we say Jesus is ugly?

Who's going to be happy? Anyone? I don't give a shit. You know what? Olger, Miller Lights, LIC Beer Project. Jesus. We can't end on Jesus, dude. We got to end on Jesus.

We got to end with someone better. But Jesus, that was fucked up. We can't end on Jesus. We got to end on someone better than Jesus. Who's better than Jesus? Jesus was probably slaying him back in the day. Can you imagine someone's coming up to you like, yo? First of all, the fact he says, I'm fucking God.

I'm Jesus of Nazareth. Yeah. If I said, I'm Francisco of Astoria. Yeah, and everyone'd be like, fuck you, dude. But Jesus pulls it. Rack him up. Yeah, are you kidding me? I'm going to call every, well, I have a girlfriend now,

but in the catastrophic event that her and I break up, any woman I meet, catastrophic, it will be sad. Clearly, she's watching. No, well, no. But any woman I meet from then on, if I am in that situation, I'm just going to call my child. And with open arms, I'm Francisco of Astoria, my child.

And then you'll. And then I will walk home alone. Right. Exactly. So who do you want to end on? If you don't want to end on Jesus. By the way, I'm giving Jesus heartache. Yeah, I'll say a heartache.

You guys got it. He's got the body, the hair. Guys got it. The hair, the beard. That's such a humor. The guy's funny, dude. Brave. Well, how many points for Son of God?

Brave God doesn't give you as many points. Like that's like being the coach of son. OK, we're going to treat you the same as everyone else. Exactly. Not going to give you extra credit. Fair treatment. Yeah, I'm not going to fucking, you know, that's like asking. You're new, you know, like, that's

like the kid in the class that raises his hand too many times. Yeah, like, you know what I mean? Are you going to check the homework? Yeah, exactly. Jesus was the person like, wait, didn't we have homework? Yeah, OK. We get it. My child.

Yes. You're doing the right thing. Right. We're not blaspheming right now. Let's make sure that we say that. Wait, I think we might be. No. OK, anyway, we're ending on.

We're going to end on, obviously. Give me someone. Give me Fox. That's what we're ending on. I love Jamie Foxx, dude. We haven't said any 10s. Who's it? I mean, Brad Pitt's 10.

Your 10 is Brad Pitt from Pike Club. Give me one more 10. You know, I swear to God, I'm a huge Jamie Foxx guy. He's like all ports. He's like he's like a nine five. Wow. For me. Big Jamie five.

Dude, the guy does it all. And he's old and he looks great. Wow. I'm Jamie Foxx. I'm going to say my 10 is Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. And you know what? He's a 10.

You know what? If you go on his on his Instagram, he's rocking the salt and pepper on the beard. And it's really just doing it for me. I will sell my family to him. I have no money. Yeah. You know, I don't know.

Obviously, I'd be selling. So I don't know why I'd need money. I don't know why you brought that up. LIC, Ogre, Mililite. Yeah, they're all doing it. You know, he's Lucy Goosey over there. Yeah. Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Good guy. Good guy. Good guy. Super hot dude. Sexy dude. Super hot dude. Jesus Christ. Let's not forget the moral of this.

We are so comfortable in our sexuality, we can talk about it. That's what you get from everything. Dude, I'm sweating. I don't know if it's from the conversation or the heat. Both. Or Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Salt and pepper beard.

Yeah, that's getting you. That's definitely getting you. That'll sneak up on you. You'll just turn around. Like, he posted the other day and I saw the beard. I was like, whoa, whoa, what? Didn't even tell me about this. You can't surprise people with this.

Give us like a fucking warning. Give us a five o'clock shadow before you go straight salt and pepper beard. Yeah, Jesus. I can't wait until I have a touch of gray. Can't wait. I think it'll make me look better looking than I am. All right, we're going to end on this.

We're going to end on this. You rank me. You? Yeah. All right, here we go. I got to pee so bad. So I'm going to get the fuck out of here. I'll go today.

Your looks today. Pinnacle. Best thing ever. Best thing I've worn. Best you've ever been. Yeah. I'm so excited with that. Please.

Best you've ever been. I'll say. I'll say 8-2. Not today. Definitely not today. I mean, see? You know what's crazy? The hat is a maker break of like an entire point.

So hat off, I look worse? Way worse. Really? All right, I get it. I do. Yeah, it's not good. All right, fine. Highest you've ever been, I'd say 8-2.

I also am a little scruffy right now. I haven't shaved. I'm boycotting life. Skipping those. Yeah, you know, I'm sick. So I got, I get it. I get it. 8-2, I'm going to ride that to the bank.

The best you've ever been. I will give you best you've ever been. This is tough. This is tough. Because you're obviously my closest friend in the world. This is not going to end well. You're a solid nine. Oh, I'll take that.

You're a nine, dude. A nine? You're a nine, because you're funny. We got to hang out after this. Give me another ol' gurg. You never know what might. If you put a dirt wolf on the table now, bad things are going to happen.

Letting you know. If you put a fucking dirt wolf on here, my shirt's coming off. And then I'll go down to a seven. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there. I'll get there. We should end this before this. Definitely get off the rails.

Quick, derail, like the LIRR. Couple months back, I think it derailed. Couple people died, I shouldn't make jokes. Anyway, Frank, where can they find you? You can find me on Twitter at frankunderscorealvarez80. I have said it a couple times before. I don't know what's so fucking funny. I'm just, this is, when you really back up and look

at this podcast, you're like, what happened? Disaster. Frankunderscorealvarez80 on Twitter. I do a wrestling podcast that I've brought up a few times called The Squared Circle Jerks at scjpod on Twitter, if you're into wrestling. And then on Instagram, falvarezunderscore80. It's lit, yeah.

Thank you for having me on again. No problem, Frank. OK. Not really appropriate after the conversation. OK, that's in his mouth. He put the whole thing in his mouth. You know what's great? I feel like all these podcasts have been just, like,

off the rails since I've come on. Love it. Love how it's just been like, all right, fuck it. Since I've come on, we've cared less and less each episode. And it's great. It's better than everything. Anyway, that is all for this week's podcast. If you are not watching this, you

can go to fullscreen.com slash basement yard, put in the promo code basement. You get a free month, then $6 a month after that. And we're going to be doing the extra yard and don't know what's going on. But we're going to be playing a game. Frank and Kyle in the closet. There he is.

How you doing? So sign up so you can watch it. And we'll see you next time. That hurt like a whore.