The Basement Yard - Catfish Are Always Using My Pictures

Episode Date: May 17, 2016

I'm talking about a bike ride, my dreams, & the gay dude who's cat fishing people with my pictures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday May 16th. I said that really fast. It's Monday May 16th. Solid Monday today. Okay. Weather was kind of nice. Thank God. I went for a bike ride with my friend and we didn't really know where the fuck we were going. He's like let's go to city field. Let's wear the Mets play. So I was like yeah fuck it let's just go which is kind of far. It's like I don't know five miles whatever but we went there and when we got there we're like all right I'm not tired at all. Let's go to Flushing Meadow Park which is another three miles away or something like that. So we go there and we're just kind of driving around and we come across a mini golf course and I'm like oh

all right. And they had beer which was sick because I'm not going to go off sober even though I was sober. I only had like two beers which is you know nothing but I actually asked the guy I was like can we drink and play. And I felt weird because there was like this guy behind me with his two kids like oh yeah we're going to play mini golf and I'm over here with my friend like can we get hammered and fucking play. And he's like yeah you can you piece of shit. So we bought some beers and we played 18 holes and I won. I came out victorious. I think I won by six strokes which by the way back to back performances for me. This time I won by six strokes. The last time I played a couple weeks ago like a month ago

I won by like seven strokes. I'm on fucking fire is what I'm saying right now. All right. I'm on fire. But yeah that's what happens. I just posted on fucking Twitter and my Instagram about this thing. So listen let me just explain what happened. A couple of days ago I had a dream and I never remember my dreams. Like people have vivid dreams and they could they could tell you every detail or whatever. I don't even know if I like if I dream I just fucking forget. Like I don't know or I just don't dream at all. I don't really know what that says about me as a person. Maybe I'm a piece of shit. I don't really know. But whenever I have a dream or like if I have a dream it's like me doing something that's

not cool. Like it's just like I was at your house and we were watching television. It was sick. Like those are my dreams like people like I got fucked by a goose that had dragon wings and then my dead grandma was there and she was telling me all kinds of shit and I'm just you know wild. I don't have any of that happen. You know what I mean. I just it's like me hanging out or whatever or like I get into like a little fight with someone and I try to throw a punch and like I can't. Why is that always in dream as bullshit. I don't know what it is because like I know that happens to a lot of people because I have had people say this to me like you ever dream where you can't throw a punch or you can't run away and

I'm like yeah but like what the fuck why. Like what is that. It's so every time I get into a fight in a dream I'm like oh it's on and I throw a right hook and it's flying at like two miles an hour and this guy just moves out of the way. Duffs me in the face. Duffs me in the face. Is that a saying. Anyway but yeah I got completely off track. Guys I just talked for two minutes about shit that had nothing to do with the story that I started. Anyway ADD is out of out of control out of control here but then again I am talking to myself so that's where I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking go nine different ways. Anyway the other day I had a dream and I woke up and it was like 2 30 a.m. and I was like oh

I remember the dream and I you know looking back on it I can say that I was excited about it because I thought it was funny or I thought it was like cool or something like that so it's like I'm going to write it down but I was like half asleep so I don't really remember this because when I woke up I completely forgot. I didn't remember until today. I believe the date happened on the 13th so three days ago it happened and I totally forgot because when I woke up in the morning I didn't look at it. I didn't tell anyone. I just forgot about it so I didn't like whatever and usually when I do these podcasts what I'll do is you know think a shit to talk about and then I'll just write them down in my notes so that I don't

forget so I can look down and be like oh this is the other thing this is where we're going blah blah blah but so when I went to do that I clicked on notes and this thing popped up and it was the notes about the dream and the notes all the notes says is mad windy period shitting self I blanket that's it that was my dream mad windy shitting self I blanket I don't know what the fuck that means I have no idea when I read this the mad windy when I wrote mad windy like that jogs my memory a little bit I do remember having a dream where there was like a significant amount of wind involves and I believe like it was happening to Keith and like there was just a bunch of wind like blowing him every blowing him yeah

he was getting blown in my dream no but there was a bunch of wind like I don't know but the shitting self in I blanket in blanket that I shit myself in a blanket I don't know shitting self I blanket I'm not I don't I don't have any regulation regulation of that I don't I only shit myself one time and I shared it with you guys and that's that you know what I mean but this is the dream that I had but I just found this like 20 minutes ago and I was dying I'm like what the fuck was I talking about mad windy shitting self I blanket something wrong with me it's actually funny because the other day I was coming home for football and one of my friends Adam was in the car and I don't know how the conversation started

but it was like oh what's the what was it what's the weirdest place you've taken a shit or like the worst place and I was like oh outside like obviously like he was thinking like the worst place he's like oh like long john silvers I don't know what he said he didn't say that but he said something um you know like that some fucking restaurant or something but yeah and then just got me thinking of how many times I've actually shit outdoors and it's an okay it's like it's not an okay amount is what I mean like it's too many you know like four I think it's four which is four more than it should be you know but for whatever reason four times my life I've had to take a shit outside and I'm not sorry or anything like that like I'm just it's fine it's you know whatever

uh but there was actually one time that I'm really not proud of uh and it's kind of weird that I'm telling you this now and it's disgusting but listen this is 100 true and anyone who knows me I know Nick my friend Nick is listening Nick I'm not sure if you know this story um but hold on to your fucking horses here but so there's this field in my neighborhood right where we used to play football it's called memorial field and it's just like an open field okay and there's a row of like these bushes these tall bushes like in the middle of it it divides it in half right on the other side is an airport uh and like a side street that leads to a highway and a bus stop so it's like busy and on the other side is residential there's a

bunch of houses and shit and it's just like an open field and one time at night I didn't have a car I was too young for this shit okay I didn't have a car bear with me I'm trying to justify it already before I tell the story I'm like I didn't have a car my pants were tight I was sweating I was tired I couldn't do anything I didn't even have a bike you know my friend had a bike but there was no pegs and he couldn't let me take his bike um but I forgot who I was with but I was like dude I'm not gonna like make it I have to shit really bad because like I don't know I just have this thing I feel like I have a mild case of IBS where I just shit it's sometimes it's just like a complete emergency it's like a it's it's like getting a text message it really is it's like

oh something you're like wow I got a shit right now it's that quick it's really like immediate so I was standing there and I was like oh no like I just started getting like two bubbles two bubbles in my stomach and my brain's gone dude you're gonna shit yourself if you don't do something so long story short I've already dragged it out too far I had to shit like in between these bushes in this wide open field all right and I didn't want to choose which side to shit on like should I go airport highway bus stop side or residential side so I just kind of you know go split the difference and chat in the middle like I had one leg on either side and I shit in the bush and this isn't the fucked up part the fucked up part right because let's not forget

all right let's not forget about the process of taking a shit okay you take the shit that's all good and fun right but what happens afterwards you're gonna need to wipe and uh I wasn't carrying around toilet paper on that day and um I had my favorite shirt on so I didn't want to ditch that you know wipe that and you know throw it on the ground couldn't do that so oh god I'm so like I'm not embarrassed but it's just like bad it's just says a lot about my character so I took a shit and I was like awesome whatever and then I was like I need to wipe somehow and I swear to god I was like what what did I do what do I do and it wasn't a leaf it wasn't a branch I don't even know if you could wipe your ass with a branch wasn't a leaf wasn't a branch wasn't an article of

clothing I look down and to my right I'm I swear to god it was to my right it was down into my right I can you know walk you through the step by step I look down into my right right and I see just a random umbrella I swear to god I saw a random umbrella and I was like perfect perfect this is all I need this is it thank you thank you god for sending this umbrella I don't know whose umbrella it is I don't know how many times it's been rained on and I don't know why they left it right but I didn't want to think about that if someone's leaving an umbrella something happened to it all right you ditched an umbrella something's going wrong because it's umbrellas are easy even when they're fucked up you still keep them like one

of the wires breaks you're like I don't give a shit it flips inside out you're like whatever I don't care someone ditched this umbrella and I was like whatever I'm gonna wipe my ass with it and I did and no one knows that one I think two people know that and now a lot more do but yeah I wiped my ass with an umbrella not proud but not ashamed so there's a middle ground there I'm sorry I am I'm I am I'm really I'm sorry that you had to hear that but maybe that'll make you feel good about yourself because I'm sure you know 99.9% of people haven't shit and wiped their ass with umbrella because an umbrella is like a weird thing to wipe your ass

with you know some people have taken shits and wiped their ass with like hand towels or like their wrist or like the cat or you know the stuff but never an umbrella that's like the weirdest thing like you can't do that anyway let's do sponsorship so I'm back with blue apron blue apron if you don't know if you sign up for their service what they do is they send you ingredients for meals and a recipe on how to cook it it's awesome I'm telling you when I got the package my mom was freaking out it was like Christmas I was like kind of excited because I'm like I wish this came like a little later because her birthday's on the 18th so if this package would have arrived on the 18th I would have just lied I'd be like this is what I got you

she was opening she's like scallions chicken oh fucking quinoa I don't even know what the fucking why is they have a bunch of stuff it's all like legit too like legit food it's it's like I've said this before but it's not like you know shitty stuff like microwavable and freezer whatever it's like legit food so she was all excited or whatever she's like oh my we have to cook this now I'm like relax my shit we'll figure it out later but yeah man this company they'll send you it and they send you the right amount of ingredients they send you literally everything that you need if you need salt and pepper it's fucking packaged in there it's amazing and it's like perfect for fucking you know if you're a piece of shit like me you've never cooked your

entire life this is like an easy way to get into cooking I've always said that I want to get into cooking somehow I just think that's something everyone should know I don't want to be like a moron for the rest of my life I want to learn how to cook so this is kind of a good stepping they send you all the stuff you don't have to go to the supermarket because I can't shop can't do that either I'll figure that out one day maybe someone to make a service about that but I can't shop so these people send me the ingredients they send me the recipe and then I cook it you know uh what did I make the other day the other day I made uh oh Middle Eastern chicken and chickpeas stew what is Middle Eastern chicken I didn't even I

thought there was just chickens you know it's just chicken but they have Middle Eastern chicken this is what I mean they have legit food I don't know what the hell a Middle Eastern chicken is it tasted amazing I know that and I know I cooked it so I felt you know not useless so that was great um it's also less than ten dollars a meal so that's also amazing affordable you don't have to leave the house because this shit comes right to you and you just have to cook it it's amazing blue apron check out this week's menu and get two meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash basement that's blueapron.com slash basement blue apron a better way to cook yeah they gotta put me on commercials I'm like blue apron a better way to cook

you're gonna like the way you look I guarantee it oh fuck I'm an idiot um anyway uh I wanted to break this up because someone I I've been getting Instagram messages about this fake Instagram of me or something this guy's posting pictures of me uh the guy's name is like Lucas but he friended all the people that I follow on Instagram and I you know only follow for the most part people that I know personally and that know me personally so they're all just like what is this kid's strategy like that's such a bad catfish strategy like if you're gonna be a catfish catfish what the fuck did I just say so if you want to be a catfish let me give you a tip here all right for all you fucking weirdos out there if you're listening to this if you want to be a

successful catfish you don't just follow the fucking people that I know they know you're fake then what are you gonna do then dumb it's that's a awful game plan all right there's one guy he catfished with me he had a fucking great plan going on so but it reminded me of this why so I want to tell you about it so the guy was using my pictures I forgot the name man but it was on Facebook I forgot the name but he was using my pictures oh no it was my name I think yeah it was I don't know you see I just had a fucking fight with myself just now but I believe it was my name or maybe it was my first name a different last name but anyway so they were using my pictures on Facebook but they were gay but like raunchy gay like their Facebook statuses would be like

good morning can't wait to suck a dick like I was like what the hell is going on here and you know it's funny because like you know whatever I don't I don't really care like people are like oh do you want me to report this or whatever I was like I don't really give a shit honestly it doesn't bother me if it works yeah like yeah you're fucking you're killing it man you know I get messages all the time that people are like oh I saw this on okcupid it's your picture but the guy's name is Rico I'm like dude he looks like he's you know doing well he has like an 87 percent match ratio fucking score I don't know what the hell anything I don't know what it is but yeah I don't really care but this in particular was crazy because I used to have a peel box

where people would send me letters and stuff this was a while ago and so one day in my PO box I get this big gift and I'm like what the fuck is this so I open it and it's like a basket with fucking these sticks with cookies on them but they're shaped like soccer balls and footballs and basketballs like it's like a sport themed basket of cookies but they're on these sticks and I'm like who would send me this like this is incredibly nice so then I uh there's a letter so I'm reading the letter it says dear joe and then it says stuff like you know we used to talk a lot but you know we don't talk anymore and you know all this stuff so now I'm thinking like who is this you know what I mean like if they say we used to talk like I'll remember them like if

if I've had a conversation with you like 85 percent of the time I will remember who you are and the other percentage is because I was drunk and I just don't remember you you whatever but I remember pretty much anyone have a conversation with so I'm like who is this I wonder who this is so I'm reading it and it's like you know I used to care about you and you know it didn't work out and now I'm like who the fuck is this you know what I mean I'm so confused I'm thinking like some ex-girlfriend sent me a thing through my PO box which I wouldn't understand why and like cookies that's such a random thing uh so then I keep reading and then uh first of all the thing was like four pages front and back and I'm reading through the whole thing and I get to like page three

and then I come across this sense it says something like I know you're probably talking no no it says so oh yeah okay sorry I just fucked up my whole brain just melted for a second but it said I know you're probably talking to other guys and I'm talking to other guys too and now I'm like wait what the fuck is this right so now I'm fucking confused as hell and uh I go to I open and I'm like reading the rest of it and I'm like what the hell's going on and then it was from like this guy I want to say his name is Ricardo or some shit but I'm not sure let's call him Ricardo fuck it but Ricardo he started going in and he was like you know we used to talk uh we didn't we didn't talk we don't talk anymore you're probably talking

to other guys I'm talking to other guys I hope that we can meet up and just uh I forgot what he said something along the lines of blow each other but I was like uh I'm all good I'm I'm good I'm sad I'm I'm good no thank you um so I read this letter and the guy you know he left his full name so I went on Facebook to look for this guy so I was like I found him and I messaged him I'm like hey dude uh my name's Joe Sanagato um you know you sent this to my PO box and the letter's very confusing because we've never had a conversation and I'm also not gay and you know all this like I was just explaining the situation to him because I felt bad that this kid seemed to be like in love with someone who was you know whatever sent him a fucking basket of cookies he probably likes this

guy a lot I've never sent anyone cookies so I wanted to contact him to be like dude sorry but you've been catfished by someone sorry it's all fucked up whatever so I was being nice and I read this whole thing and then he messaged me back a day later and he's like you don't have to lie you don't have to hide it with me it's just it's cool it's don't worry and I'm like dude I'm not lying I'm trying to help you he's like it's fine you don't have to I'm like guy Ricardo um take your fucking cookies it's not me I'm trying to help you and he's like I know it's you I've seen your face I'm like where did you see my face I've seen pictures of you I'm like I know those are cat fit they're using my pictures it's not me I'm sorry and he's just he just wouldn't

believe me and I guess to this day he thinks you know that we're gonna meet up and blow each other or something but that's not gonna happen Ricardo sorry and this happened to like year a year and a half ago uh I haven't run into him uh when we do it's gonna be a weird conversation and I hope that my mom's not there because she's gonna be very confused but yeah so whoever was running that Facebook account kudos because you got him and uh yeah you had him fooled not only fooled but just sure he was so sure and when I told him no wrong guy he was like no no right guy and I'm like no you're wrong dude he's like no man you're wrong I was so fucking confused I was like okay whatever sure that's all good but that's my story guys that's my that's my catfish story

that's my best one um I haven't had anything like that happen since then um didn't eat the cookies I was too afraid there was gonna be like a I don't know like some anthrax in it or some shit just being cautious you know uh anyway that's all for this this episode guys nothing significant has happened in my life that I need to ramble about but I wanted to tell you that quick story uh but yeah if you guys are interested in sports have a sports podcast called veterans minimum it's on itunes and soundcloud go check that out subscribe to that it's a lot of fun uh I also mod a podcast called invasion of privacy with Kate wolf a lot of fun on that podcast as well so go check those out subscribe tell your mom pinch your nips and that's all I don't know why I

said that I'm sorry uh but that's all and thanks for listening yeah motherfuckers