The Basement Yard - Fleshlights Are Expensive

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

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Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday December 14th two in the afternoon here in New York City And it's beginning to look a lot like Chris must Just kidding. It's fucking 60 degrees I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt and I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt yesterday. All right world's all fucked up Global warming is real a bunch of people were tweeting me all this stuff because I tweet I was like all it's 60 degrees You know, you know, what's going on and people are like, oh, it's global warming the polar bears are dying The polar bears are brown. I was like shut up. My god. Stop it

but anyway Christmas is 11 days away, and I haven't done a goddamn thing as far as Christmas shopping because I am garbage I don't know what to get anyone because anytime I ask anyone what the hell they want. They're like, oh, you know It doesn't matter. I just your friendships all I need. I'm just like fuck you dude We're not friends anymore Tell me what you want because I'm awful at getting gifts for people. I'm awful. I'm tremendous I'm a hall of fame at getting gifts. I can receive gifts very well But I cannot give them. I can't I don't know what to do. I can't buy them

I don't know. I got a secret Santa with a bunch of my friends. I don't know what to get anyone Who knows maybe I don't I don't I really don't know Like a flashlight or something flesh lights. That's not a bad. I actually that's not a bad idea at all Let me just look up how much these costs flesh light the number one male masturbator in the world There's a hundred and fifty dollars who the Who's paying a hundred fifty dollars to beat their dick? Well, technically, you're not beating it with this thing. You're just kind of this is not this is not beating your dick

You're putting it in like a nice little pouch here a hundred fifty dollars though. Come on What are we paying for? Oh? It's on sale. It's on sale and it's a hundred fifty. It's two hundred and thirty four dollars It comes with a shower mount a Shower mount so you could suction cup it to the side of your shower and bang it while you're washing your hair. How nice Oh, but it does come with a eight ounce bottle of lube two pack. Oh, that's 16 ounces of lube Hundred fifty dollars. Oh, no way. We got a thirty dollar limit in this secret Santa, buddy

Jesus Christ who is paying a hundred fifty dollars just to do that Jesus like I know the winter's coming and a lot of people who don't want to go outside. So, you know You know people I'm sure the the numbers for masturbation skyrockets in the winter You know or dildo usage that goes way up, but you know, this is a hundred fifty dollars And this is this is horseshit is what is it's sexist because you can get a dildo for like thirty, you know You can get like your basic Training bra dildo like the first one ever is probably like a good eleven twelve bucks I don't really know this for sure. I'm assuming that dildos don't cost a hundred fifty dollars

Unless they're one of those crazy ones that like it's got a bunch of hooks like one goes here one goes there This one goes on top and everything vibrates and then you know It's a whole machine like that's unnecessary, dude. We're gonna we're gonna hide that this flashlight thing though hundred fifty bucks This is horseshit God what happened to the hand what happened to that? Just use your hand and some like You know shampoo or Not shampoo although I have done that when I was younger. I was like fucking let me try this

But you know Just your hands and some good old You know, that's all you need You don't need this fancy bottle of lube and fucking shower mount It's shaped like an ice cream cone, but it's molded like your favorite porn star. Oh God, that's so how did they make these they put a bunch of clay inside? like You know Christy Mack and then they waited for it to dry and then they pulled it out

No, I got we're gonna make a bunch of these like what the hell That's such a weird process. Who the hell knows man. Maybe I'll do that though Uh But yeah, I'm not buying that shit. That's out of control Oh, here's some news iTunes completely took away my podcast I don't know where the fuck it went, but someone's tweeting me today was like, hey I can't find your podcast on iTunes anymore, and I'm like hey, maybe this guy's a moron So I'm gonna you know check it out, but then I checked it out and it's not up there

I don't know what the hell's going on Like I went like as I subscribed to my own thing just so I can keep an eye On to you know making sure thing like everything gets uploaded. So like I still have the episodes on my podcast app on The iTunes store, but if I search the basement yard, it just doesn't come up. Who's getting rid of my shit? Oh iTunes you fucking me man. You're f me in the a

Don't f me in the a alright. I don't know what the hell's going on Maybe it's like a glitch maybe we'll come back in a few days I don't know I tried to resubmit the the podcast to iTunes and it says it's already in there But you know, it's nowhere to be found. So I don't know what the fuck's going on, you know But whatever Anyway, I Wanted to talk about this because it's so ridiculous, but like the other day a couple days ago, right? There was this cop from Oklahoma City, his name's Daniel

He's got the biggest fucking face in the tiniest eyes and his eyes are really close together All of that information is irrelevant to this story But I just felt like sharing that just you can get a visual of this piece of shit, right? So the guy Yeah, I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw pictures of this guy and he was like balling crying in the courtroom, right? So I'm like what happened to this this poor guy Right, so I click on the story and this guy got a sentence of 263 years and I'm like wow. Why is he reacting this way? Maybe They got the wrong guy or something, but no this guy's a piece of dog shit not a piece

He is a bag. He has three bags of dog shit. This guy has three bags of dog shit. He raped sexually assaulted Other words that mean that he did that to 13 black women, right? And then you know like one of them was 57 years old a grandmother and He forced her to blow him. What the fuck are you thinking, sir? Daniel with the little eyes and huge face. What the fuck are you doing? And he was really like I don't understand that he was reacting when the judge was like Yeah, you're guilty of this and that and this

263 years in total this guy's crying like he didn't see that come dude if you Rape 13 people. What did you think was gonna happen? God, I hope this guy gets fucking face fucked in the middle of the prison in the middle of the yard Just in the middle so all this fucking every end may can see it this guy's just getting banged in the mouth. Oh God and I hope someone cuts his dick off. I don't know why we stopped cutting dicks off Honestly because back in the day when you would commit a crime They would they would cut something off like if you cut if you stole something They would cut your right hand off. It's like yeah, you want to steal something try doing it lefty

Okay, because we cut your right hand off try stealing with your non-dominant hand All right, and if you tried doing that they would cut that shit right off too now What are you gonna steal with two nubs not a goddamn thing? We got to start doing that again like these rapists cut their dicks off because they can't rape anymore Like there's no reason why this guy should have got away with 12 You know like dude what like how does he do it 13 times? How do you get away with 12? Just cut his dick off after the first one You cut his dick off, and you tell and you and then the president gets on TV, right? And he goes hey

new rule Right, that's how he words it to hey new rule anyone who rapes or sexually abuses Dick gets cut right off, and then and then we start cutting dicks off for the people who do that Who's gonna rape anymore? No one I? Think I don't think anyone Once they're dick to be cut off, but that's what we should do just cut them off because even if they tried to do it After they got away with the first one now you can't Because we cut it off you cut it off now you can't do a goddamn thing nor nor can you have consensual sex ever again

Nor can you masturbate again? All right, so you start cutting dicks off, and then maybe rape is go You know what maybe I'll just buy a hundred fifty dollar flood fleshlight, and I won't go rape you know That's what we got to start doing Someone you know talks badly about the president or something You know they cut their tongue out back in the day We should do that too people who holler at girls on the street make them feel weird hey honey shake your tits cut the tongue out they'll never do that shit again

I'm sorry But yeah, that's what we should do Also, I was on Twitter, and I saw this thing. It's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my entire life First of all if you know me you know that I don't like flying. I'm not like terrified of it But who likes flying I gotta sit two inches from some guy and our knees I gotta touch the whole time You know what I mean God forbid you sit next to someone who like for some you know those people who get on the subway and just sit Like they're stretching. They're growing like dude. Why do you need that much space unless your dick is the size of a 13-year-old? What the hell you sitting like that for there's no reason for that

Like close your legs a little so people can sit but anyway people on the plane sometimes they sit like that Like dude stop. I don't want our knees to touch this whole goddamn flight. It's five hours. I don't even know you What if this guy's got fleas anyway? I'm done But anyway, that's all the reason why I bring this up is because there was there's this thing It's like the the the patent for it has been filed. It's not like a thing yet But if it becomes a thing, I'm gonna be terrified because they're gonna make it so There's two seats when you get on a plane right you pay for these seats You pay for first class and then the people who are you know first class isn't good enough for them

They're gonna get these seats, right? There's only two seats on a plane and they Sit in these chairs and then it shoots up and then on top of the plane There's like a little bubble like a little cockpit and you sit there So you're like sitting on top of the plane as the plane's flying Are you fucking crazy Why would I ever want to sit there I would be shitting my pants the entire time no way No way You think and it's the chair spins

360 degrees So like you could turn around and look at the back of the plane and then the side the front dude. No No way That is terrifying Sitting on top of the plane These psychos there was another one. I think uh Who was it virgin Airlines they were gonna make a plane that the bottom of the plane is like see-through so you could see down Dude, what are you trying to kill us?

Jesus Christ how scary is that shit planes already bad to begin with like I gotta like psych myself like I can't sleep before the day before I have a flight because I'm afraid that I'm gonna have a dream Where the plane goes down and I'm gonna wake up and convince myself that I'm in the movie final destination like we can't get on the plane I saw it and like we're gonna hit a mountain like I don't want to you know So I'm afraid to sleep And I'm gonna psych myself up and that's just getting on a regular plane if I got to sit in a plane where that's the floor is see-through Didn't forget about it. I would duct tape my eyes shut

I'm not fucking with that at all not only that but you gotta deal with the people that are on the plane I've been on a plane with some pizza shit people. That was one time. I was on a plane And there was this guy sitting like across the aisle for me This Joker sneezes once right one time not a big deal side note You know who I hate People who are like I sneezed once and they go. Oh, do you need a tissue like dude relax? I just sneezed one time I'm fine. Just a little sneeze. I didn't shoot snot all over my hands and face. I'm totally fine

People want to shove napkins in your face. She's like a chew here. I hear you napkin. You need tissue to shut the fuck up. Anyway That's irrelevant But this guy so we're see he's sitting across the aisle for me. He sneezes one time, right? And I'm like, okay, whatever Then he's like looking around like what? Why did I see? What's going on like this guy? It was panicking because he sneezed one time like to read never fucking sneeze before But I mean he calls the stewardess over and he goes excuse me. Uh, is there cats on board? And I'm like no fucking way this guy's doing this right now and the woman's like I don't fucking know dude

I just hand out the ginger ale and the peanuts. Well, yes, give me a fucking no so He goes, can you check? can you check please and So she's like all right, and then she leaves and then she comes back and she goes, yeah, we got if we got a few cats on board below the plane obviously where all the pets go and This guy's like, I think I'm gonna need to change my seat because I'm allergic and I've been sneezing

I'm like, dude this fucking guy sneezed one time. There's an entire Floor in between you and these fucking cats. I'm allergic to him too, but you sneezed one time It's not like your throat's closing And he had his shoes off. Oh Those people people on planes you got their shoes off They're just like dude. You're not in your bed You're on a bus in the sky. You're gonna take your shoes off on a bus Enough stop it the guy like stood up and went to the back of the plane like stood there the whole time like this

I can't even deal with like come on Should cut that guy's dick off too Dude, if I was president forget about it. No one would have dicks as soon as you'd like fuck up dick right off No dick no more dick. All right. God. I gotta finish this soon because I gotta go running. I am I Started running now And I want to kill myself because running is the worst thing ever I can't I can't even picture people who like run Marathon 26 miles dude, I wouldn't bike 26 miles. Do you know how far that is? That's 26 miles That's insane. That's insanity. What's wrong with you? My my brother Keith he would he ran a half marathon once which is like

11 or 13 or something like that and he like did it like dude what like he would train for it like every day like he would run a Couple of miles every day, and I'm just like I don't know how this kid does it and then I went to his race And he did the half marathon here's this is the sickest thing I've ever seen in my entire life Okay, the guy because they they run the half marathon and the real marathon at the same time So there's 11 mile 11 12 miles, and then there's the 26 mile one so the guy Who did the marathon?

Finished before anyone finished the half marathon Do you understand what you know that are you fucking kidding this guy ran 26 miles faster than anyone ran 12? What How was this guy dead sprint the whole fucking time and of course it was like a skinny White dude with a short shorts, and he like wasn't out of breath He was like doing push-ups after he finished. I'm like you you're a fucking superhuman like those Ironman things like you got to like run a marathon 26 miles Then you got to swim two miles forget about it

I would have thrown up 40 times During the 26 miles and that would have took me a day now. I got a swim Okay, I would have died five times and drowned a couple times, right? Just swimming two miles is I couldn't even paddle that far in a boat I wouldn't be a boat two miles. What are you fucking joking no way? And then you got a bike like I don't like another 20 miles or something Who the fuck is doing this? Who are these superhumans? Jesus Christ those people dude if you finished an Ironman

You are a savage, and I hate that goddamn word. Oh do your savage, bro. Oh My god, you told that girl off. You're a savage dude That's so savage. Oh My god, you have no chill and you're a savage like dude. You don't know what? savage is Okay, someone who finishes a fucking Ironman that person is a savage And I don't I don't I don't even want to be friends with someone who could do something like that

Anyone who like wants to Run that far dude. Just don't talk to me. We you know, you're just a way better person than I am and I'm done Look at this another catfish of mine. Oh my god. That's another thing. I gotta I found this tweet where um It says Famous celebrity Famous celebs that hit and ditched Kim Kardashian, right? And there's a picture and There's three dudes one two and three so number one is a picture of Cristiano Ronaldo

Number two is 50 cent and then number three is a picture of me So I guess I fucked Kim Kardashian I hit and ditched Kim Kardashian apparently that's what this article says If you click on the article, it's like, you know, it's one of those clickbait articles But it's just funny that they use my picture for one of these things so Yeah, I'm just gonna tell people that and use this as a reference like yeah, dude. I Totally had sex with Kim Kardashian

It was good, I guess it was nice This past weekend, I forgot what I think was for a Saturday Was the kind of McGregor fight which was kind of sick who went to the beer garden me and me and my friends went to the beer garden near my house Ton of people there and I didn't really care who won until they were introducing the fighters and when they were introducing that uh, Jose Aldo, Jose Aldo guy The Brazilian all these Brazilians came out of nowhere

With all these flags and they were like jumping on tables like yeah, yeah, and I was like, you know what? I hope he gets fucking knocked out just because they were just so excited Is that fucked up? I was kind of like, I don't know and I hope all these guys are disappointed There was one guy who had a Irish Flag he had the Ireland flag like wrapped around his waist waist and he had like red hair He was hammered. He was like your typical Irish guy and he was like He was going insane too, but it was only one of him. There was about 40 of these people with flags the Brazilians and Sure enough that fight started and fucking Conor McGregor knocks him out in 13 seconds

Did I have never seen a person go so insane in my life the guy who had the Irish flag tied around his waist There's like a light Holy shit. I was choked There was a guy would he was hanging from a lamppost and like shaking it all the bouncers are like trying to kick that shit out of Him he was jumping on tables jumping from table to table. He was going insane I was like god damn it. But yeah, that was crazy man. This guy knocks him out in 13 seconds Everyone's like I wasn't a fight doing can you imagine like Mike Tyson when he was in his prime? He was just knocking people out like that all the fucking time. You would stay up all night

Watch the undercard fights which suck and then you know you get to the Mike Tyson fight And he just throws one punch at a guy and he goes down and you're like, all right Damn it. What a bed It's crazy. Oh God How much choked back there almost killed myself. I almost choked the other day down here, dude I was home by myself. I forgot. What was it? Oh, I was eating a chicken parm hero and I'm eating it and all of a sudden like a piece of cheese gets caught in the back of my throat and I just go

Right Jesus Christ, I must kill myself, but I couldn't breathe. I was like, oh shit so You know, I stood up really quick and I threw the chair behind me and I was like bent over and I was like trying to breathe and then I just spit cheese all over the goddamn floor And I was like, oh god, almost Almost took my life. Joey almost went down there Almost went down for a second. That's the second time my life. They almost choked to death When I was like eight years old, I was down here by myself

and I was eating like a Gump not a gumball. What's that called? jawbreaker and It got caught in my throat and I could not breathe at all like I couldn't even get any air in like there was any air in there was no There was no sound it was just nothing like I could not breathe So being the smart eight-year-old that I am I leaned over a chair and Like jumped and like let the chair hit me in the stomach and the jawbreaker went flying And I was terrified and I was too afraid to tell my mom that I almost died because I felt like she would have been mad at me

Like I like I don't know. I never told her until like I was like 15. I was like, hey, by the way some years ago, I Almost died in the basement because I was choking on a jawbreaker like I feel like if I were to told her that she would have got pissed She would be like, why do you choking in the basement for by yourself? Like it would have been my fault, you know You know what's ridiculous now that we're talking about this. So I don't think I've ever told this story to anyone But my brother Keith, right big psycho. He told me right this is horseshit First of all, let me just get this out of here that this is a dog shit story He made this up for sure. He swears by it to this day that

One day he was like drinking some because he doesn't use ice cubes in his drinks, right? He's like, oh, I don't I don't want ice soda. He never wants ice cubes in his drink and He says because of this reason he was drinking something Right, he swallowed an ice cube and I got stuck in his throat and this kid Claims that he Punched him since he couldn't since he couldn't breathe His only way out was to punch himself in the throat until he broke up the ice cube and then he was fine What and

I'm like, dude, do you expect me to believe that you did that? How fucking dumb do you think I am? You're telling me that you punched yourself in the neck so hard that it shattered an ice cube and then you were fine. I Mean how old how dumb do you think I am? Oh My god, but just picturing that is hilarious Like can you imagine someone's choking and you just see him Punching himself in the throat. I'm like dude. That's the wrong way to go about that That is not how you fix choking at all. Anyway, that is all we got for this week All right, I need to go running because I'm not trying to be 200 pounds

by January So I'm starting early, you know, I know everyone has that That New Year's resolution like I'm gonna hit the gym then they hit the gym for three days and go fuck that Never hitting the gym again until next January, but I'm starting early. I gotta lose weight. I want to be 170. I Lost some weight. I'm like 178 It would be nice to shed like eight pounds. That would be dope and

Yeah, that's it you guys By the way, if you're interested in sports of me my friends run a sports podcast called veterans minimum It's on SoundCloud That should be on iTunes, but who the fuck knows they might be taking all the podcasts that I'm on all fucking iTunes now Who knows? But yeah, you can check that out on SoundCloud on iTunes Also the video for tomorrow. God, I have no idea what I'm doing for that for that. I hope I figure it out But yeah, that's all and as always thanks for listening your motherfuckers