The Basement Yard - Ghosts & Buttholes

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

On this episode, I'm joined by @ItsAhmeddd & @KeithSantagato to talk about our biggest fears & butthole selfies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Today I am joined by two of my friends, a returning guest from last week, my brother Keith. You can say something, it's totally fine. What? Yeah, exactly. And Ahmed's back. Oh, yes I am.

Shmetty rubs. Shmetty rubs is back. He's back. He can't wait to open that store. It's a macho, it's a, wow, nevermind. I haven't even drank anything today and I can't fucking pronounce anything. For anyone who's listening and not watching,

this is now available on full screen. It's video, so you get to see our mediocre faces. Especially my dumb face. Yeah, all of our very mediocre facial hair as well. Especially Keith's, it's getting a little red. Yeah, well, Irish, so fuck you. You don't have red hair though, so. I don't know, your upper lip needs more.

I think I have a perfect beard though. My Irish roots coming out. What's up? My beard is definitely perfect. Okay. Um. What'd you get it for? If you guys want to watch this,

go to fullscreen.com slash the basement yard. Put it in the promo code basement and you get a month free. And there's a 15 minute extra show that's on there exclusively. So if you want to, you know, watch that, that's some incentive for you. Or go, dog, you know, tell me to go fuck myself, whatever.

You know? Yeah, you are. By the way, if I sound dumb, it's because I'm sick. I have like a sinus, something infection. I don't really fucking know what it is. It's just a sinus. Yeah, this kid's going on with a sad story. It feels like I got punched in the eye sockets

or a fat person was sitting on my face. Wow. That's fucked up. Why is that fucked up? They're heavy. Was it, are they not? Okay. So to start this, to start this podcast,

we're going to do some shots of apple cider vinegar. I'm going to, can I, what? If I throw up, have you ever? I'm going to throw up. Have you ever had this? Nope, I'm going to throw up. Dude, if I throw up, it's going to happen. All right, I want you to do me a favor though,

since you've never had it. By the way, for anyone who doesn't know, just, there we go. I'll just put it out there. You're not going to take two shots of this. No, you're not. You're not going to like it. I'm telling you.

You can barely drink that. Do you know what it tastes like? No, I never had it. Like, all right. Like a dirty asshole. If I was wearing a garbage bag, like if I was wearing basketball shorts that were made out of a garbage bag

and played basketball for nine hours straight and then you ate my dick, that's what this tastes like. Like a sweaty, a really sweaty dick. So back to what I said originally. I don't know what it tastes like. It makes you sweat more. I don't know what that tastes like. You suck your dick in, I don't know.

Yeah, there you go. A garbage bag. That's why I didn't say it. I'm very excited to take the shot. No, okay. Here we go. So this stuff, apparently, it fucking, it does everything. Like, it balances out the pH in your stomach,

which I love saying to people, because I don't know what it means and they think I know, but I don't. It got me sick after that. No, it didn't stop. I'm telling you now, it didn't get you sick. It does the opposite. It actually helps.

Well, it didn't help me then. Yesterday, I was boiling water and I put this in the water and was like breathing in the steam. I saw the attention you wanted to get. You already know, you know? All right, so I'm gonna pour. Here we go, Joey's pours. I'm doing just that.

No, I want it to the top. No, you don't. I do. We have like double shot glasses right here. You're gonna drink the whole thing? Oh, look. You're not gonna do that. Keith, shut your face.

I mean, that's got something to prove, as always. Like that bottle of fireball I finished. Oh my God. Yo, this smell. That looks disgusting. Look at that, that. All right. It looks like fermented piss.

It really does look like when you find a Snapple bottle on the side of the highway. It's like a boxer went 12 rounds. It's like a boxer went 12 rounds and then peed in a cup. Here, Keith, this is yours. Hamed, that is yours. That was America over here. Don't smell it, okay?

I want you to be surprised by the, like. Wait, so what happens if I actually throw up? You clean it. No, you don't clean it. We're just gonna. If you throw up? We don't have that much time. I don't know.

I'll just kick you out, I guess. That sounds good. That feels like the right thing to do. Wait, do you have like a weak stomach? No. No, let's do this. That's not confident. You throw up drinking.

No. All right, you're fine. We're good. How does that correlate? Let's go. Are you one of those people that like smells dog shit and like has to throw up? No.

Okay, good. I like that smell. I don't really know why I asked that. It has nothing to do with it. Are we really cheersing? We're doing the cheers. This is like bad luck. Have a good night.

Ahmed, please don't throw up. Okay? All right. It's good for you. Enjoy. Cheers. Oh, God. That was good.

Oh, God. Oh, that was bad. You like it? Nope. Wow. That was super. You know what? It's like kind of,

there's like a delayed trigger on it. It's sitting right here. Yeah. It's gonna come up. I hit the back of my throat. You're not gonna throw up. No, we're not. Wow.

Why did that? What are you doing? It's like socks. Oh, by the way, for anyone not watching. I'm celebrating. Guys, you might want to sign up for full screen just to see the shirt that Keith is currently wearing. It's a zebra.

Well, it's not a zebra. I want a giraffe one because I have the neck to go with it. Your neck is fucking out of this world. Wow, that was bad. Well, disrespect the neck. All right? I wish I had a chaser.

That fucking sucked. I should. Oh, I just swallowed a cube. That hurts. Speaking of that, oh my, I don't know if I've ever told this story before but everyone here can know that Keith's a fucking liar piece of shit.

Wow. He just reminded me because he's just said, he's like, I just swallowed a cube. One time, Keith told me. This is a true story. That's how you know it's a lie. He's already justifying it.

He told me that he was drinking something and swallowed an ice cube. Right? It was a cookie. No, no, no. No. No, you're talking about when I- Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, so you're getting the story wrong. Okay, it's a cookie? It was a cookie. Regardless. It was a Chips Ahoy cookie. Okay, it was Chips Ahoy. Okay guys, Nabisco, they make those. All right.

So he was eating a cookie and it got stuck in his throat. It did. I believe this part. Okay. Then he was trying to get it out, I guess, whatever, couldn't. So his reaction to this

is that he's going to punch himself in the throat. To break up the cookie. I punched the cookie and broke it. Stop. I swear to God. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Keith, I'm offended that you think I would believe that. That was my reaction.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You punched yourself in the throat. I couldn't fucking breathe. What do you want to just, oh, I'm done. It was one hit? Yeah. No, I broke the, yeah. Broke my throat.

Good, Keith. I don't know if you can get past that Adam's apple. That should be fine. I got like five of them. That should have been sharp. He's here for the glass of water. He knows. He's like, I saw that Adam's apple earlier.

I saw that one. Yeah. Dude, you got to hear it. Keith, when he drinks, it's loud. I wouldn't chug this, but I would do it. If we had a glass of water, it would be just unreal right now. He would just go.

Yeah, mine's pretty loud too. No. Yeah. Do I have a big Adam's apple? No, it's pretty heavy. I feel like I could be a girl if I'm gonna do it. Yeah, you could. You know?

Yeah. You got a big hair flip. And you got a big fucking caterpillar sitting on your lip. Look at that. It's crazy how that hair grows so fast. Disgustingly. I think Matt's gonna go out with La Fonda, all right?

Yeah, he does. He looks like Kip. You ever see Napoleon Dynamite? Nope. Looks just like him. But back to the lie that you told, punched yourself in the throat. I fucking did.

You did it. I was there. Have you ever like choked and gotten your death? No. I have. I have too. I saved my own life. Obviously.

Oh yeah, we get it. You probably have thousands of stories where you almost die. Yeah, you're right. Every time I fucking eat. Every time. We're supposed to. I've been punching myself for years.

Saw my neck for so long. A snake bit me and I punched the cut to get the venom out. There was one time I was in the basement and I was like young and I had a jawbreaker. Oh. The big ones are like. No, the small ones.

It was not like the ones you get at the movie theater. Yeah, like the white ones. The size of a dodgeball and shit. It goes for like every color imaginable? Yeah, not that, not that. Keith went through a phase where he would go all the way to the movie theater just to buy these things and then smash them with hammers.

I was literally walking. That explained you. Yeah. It was like two miles. That explained you. I traveled 200 miles for this jawbreaker. That's literally what he would do. But no, I was like a little gobs,

not a gobstopper, those are tiny. No, but they're kind of like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're like that. And I was choking and I couldn't like breathe so I just like leaned over a chair. Which is what you. Which is like a normal reaction.

You're supposed to do it. Don't punch yourself in the throat. Yeah, punch myself. That's like the fifth thing I would have thought to do. I would have like tried to get it out. I would have used my fingers at my throat. I would have used the chair on my throat. But you're supposed to put it like.

No, no, you're supposed to put it where your diaphragm is. And then force up. Now we're getting scientific. Where's your diaphragm, I bet. Oh. Well, I saw Keith be pointed right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't really know where it is.

It's somewhere, I know it's around your chest area. You should fucking know that. Why? Yeah. You should know that punching yourself in the throat actually breaks a cookie also. Keith. When you're constipated, do you like punch yourself in the throat?

Yeah, he punches himself in the ass. It's like, can't shit. Why don't it come out? Can't shit. Just fist yourself. That's gotta work. Fist yourself? What am I grabbing the shit now?

No, no, you spread the cheeks on the toilet and you squeeze. That's what you do. This sounds like. That's how you get a hammer. This sounds like it's coming from a personal experience. That's how you get a bloody shit. Yeah, I'm sorry, you're drinking.

Wait. When you're constipated, you spread your ass? Yeah, like you put one cheek on one side and like you spread it completely. How big is your fucking ass? No, no, but. You can spread the cheeks on different sides of the bowl. You have to and then you squeeze.

How big is your ass? Squeeze. Squeeze or push? Oh, push, sorry. Push. Squeeze, you're keeping it in. That's the wrong, you know, verb there. You push.

Yeah, you wanna push. Really hard. Like a birth. Yeah. Yeah. Squeeze, you gotta. You gotta grunt sometimes too. You gotta grunt.

Grunt. Yeah, it's not the right word for it. No, it is, but like you're grunting. Can I ask you a question? It's all mental. Can I ask you a question? I wanna take a poll also in the room. When you take a shit.

All right. Do you take a shirt off? I'm naked. I'm butt naked. Do you take a shirt off? Does anyone? At work. At work, I'm butt naked.

I shit butt naked. There was a kid at my old job, shout out to Max, he went to the, he would go to the bathroom and take off his shirt. Yeah. Like to take a shit. What is he like gonna sweat it out? I'm like, this isn't a spa.

No, like I wear a suit to work. So I take everything off and I take a shit. Dude. And I have to put it back on so it takes me like another five minutes. I was gonna say like, will you go to the bathroom for an hour? Like 10 minutes.

No. But yeah. Remember that guy said, it goes to the bathroom and that little space in between the door. Oh my God, in public restrooms. I don't know why they don't just put the extra inch and just make the doors touch.

Well they can't because they can't get the door. Yeah, that's true. So put it on the outside. That's how all doors work. Look at that door. It's fucking, you know, shut the door. It's probably extra money. But stalls, they like have that little line

where you can like see in and people are like self-conscious or whatever. And my sister's fiancee told me he has a friend that will take a whole, like not a whole, but like a big ass piece of toilet paper and hang it over so that you can't see. He blocks the hole. You realize you can just fucking do this, right?

You know what I would do? I'd light it on fire. Let it burn all the way in. And then it'll travel to the actual toilet paper. Go on, buddy. What are you worried about? I don't care if they look. Unless you're beating it in there.

Yeah, I don't care if they look. Who's beating it in a public bathroom? No, I don't know. I was very terrified of taking dumps in public. That's another thing. Now you know what this is just getting into, like a total stupid realm. What?

That there's like bathrooms that the old just walk into and they have like glory holes, like legit glory holes. Yeah, I've never seen a glory hole in person. To be honest with you, I would get right out of that bathroom. I wouldn't.

I would test it out. Yeah, all right. Which one would you do? I don't know which one you would. Are you gonna test it out? Like, which side of the wall are you gonna be on? Is my question. Are you gonna take your suit off to be in this one?

Yes, I am. Yeah, of course. Another question. When you wipe after a shit. Who wipes? Are you wipe? Are you? Are you?

Hell yeah. Are you sitting down while you wipe? Are you stand up to wipe? No, I'm sitting down. If I stand up, I have to like, like a girl like, you know how they take those. This is gonna be good. I don't know where the fuck you're going with this.

I'm not even gonna explain this. I just fully bend over. No, I remember. No, you don't. And I get everything. You bend over? I sit down and I bend all the way over. Look, you know how my friends get like those,

get those pics from a girl? She's showing her vagina, but somehow she's like bent down and her arm is between her legs. Yeah. Showing that aerial view. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. That's like kind of how I have to wipe my ass

if I'm standing up. So do you stand up? No. None of you answered my question. I said I sit down and I bend all the way over. You get the full ass and you clean. Why are you bending over? You're gonna sit like this?

Great posture and all that? Just lean. Boom. You lean? I'm a leaner. I go right between the legs. You go between the legs. You put the shit towards your balls.

Do you know how to wet correctly? Because you can go either way. You just lift the sack and hit. How about talking into the microphone? You piece of shit. I'm like all the way over here. Wait, you go between the legs? Doesn't your knuckles hit the fucking water?

You could go. You can't go between the legs and go both ways, Keith. How the hell is that possible? This way and you can wipe that way. Wait, which way do you wipe? Keith, how can you push? Wait, are you wiping towards the balls? Yeah, he does.

That's why I said he's dirty. Keith, your- I'm dirty. Your taint is a fucking nightmare right now, I bet. Probably is. It's gotta be just stingy all day. Everything's touching, it's swollen. A constant chafe.

That's disgusting. It's always red. It's not, I'll just put it out there. It's not. How would you even know? I've never seen my taint and I've had it forever. Who can fucking see their taint? People with hand mirrors.

Take a picture. That's the only way you can see it. What's the barber, do you like it? I was thinking about it the other day. I've never seen my asshole. No idea what that looks like. I can have a dope one, but I have no idea. I just assume it's terrible.

You've never looked in the mirror to see your asshole? Why would I do it? I'm finding out a lot about you right now. I've never done that also. No, you definitely have. You have. Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy now? You said it.

Have you seen your asshole? I punched a cookie in my throat, but I've never seen my asshole. I don't lie, yes I do. I did. Where'd you see your asshole? I had my ex-girlfriend take a spread eagle picture of me. No, you didn't.

Where? Wait, why? Wait, hold on. Holy shit. What? What side of your side? You made your ex-girlfriend. It was supposed to be a funny thing.

Wait, so how did this conversation go? So the idea, this dumb idea creeps into your mind and you go, you know what? No, I didn't just say that. I'm gonna act on this. No, I was just- How did she agree to this? She liked him, I mean.

Usually the girlfriend's like, no. She's like, I know we're dating or something, but you're crossing the line here. I'm not ready for this. That was the only time I've ever seen it. Wait, so you took a picture. Spread eagle. You were like, yo, hold on, I'm gonna get down.

No, I wasn't like- You were like doggy style position. No, no, like on my back. Oh, you were on your back? Yeah. And you spread your ass cheeks. Wait. No, like I spread my legs.

Which is the same thing. So how would you see your- That's the same thing. Wait, so you like your legs more like- Yes it is. Hold on, you were like- Show you right now? You should, yeah.

I'm gonna get on the table and do it now. No, I don't know. You could. Wait, so if you just lay on your stomach. And you lift your legs back. You lift your legs back. Joey, he's- You put your legs behind them.

What? Oh my God. Picture you're laying down. Yeah. On your back. Oh, on my back. Oh! Oh!

Now I know- Oh my God, that's disgusting. Is that a fucking flexible? I thought he was laying on his stomach. That's where I was, I was getting the- He's not that girl who fucking fired arrows and shit with her legs. No, but I was lying.

Yes. No, but. So wait, you spread your legs like that? You were laying on your back. You spread your legs. So your balls, taint, and asshole were just out for the work. Yeah, everything. Do you realize that's the worst part of you?

And the rest isn't all that good. You should have married that girl. So that's fucking terrible. That's fucked up. You should have married that girl. I'm just trying to help you here, you know? Keith, I won't marry that girl. So, why did you take that picture?

Just to be- I actually wanted to send it to my friend as a joke. Did he find it funny? Or did you see it and go, I need to delete this? No, no, I sent it to him. Oh. How many did you take? No, it was one.

Just one picture. Oh, the lighting's off. You don't see my asshole good. There was one picture and I was like- She's like, hold on, let me get some flash. Wait, was there a flash on? No. It was daylight.

It was daylight. It was daylight. Wait, you were outside? You were in a park? Inside, the window. Yeah, right, a story of a park. It's like the windows. It's like the windows.

What was that? I don't know, man. I was starting to laugh like- It's like the end of an air horn when there's not a bear in there. You did that really good. I know, I'm sorry. It was.

What was that like? It's my smoker laugh for some reason because I'm fucking sick. Are we all? Yeah, I've been sick for fucking days here. Anyway. Jesus. Were we ever on topic of what we were supposed to do?

I mean, you know, what's up? I don't fucking know. Who cares? We just talked about assholes. Yes. I found out you're spreading yours. Yeah, and your fucking first question of the day was do you take your shirt off and shit?

That was like the second question. Wait, so wait, hold on. Thank God you brought that back up. How are you wiping? I know you're just- Yeah, I'm doing it wrong. Yeah, I don't know what you're doing. You're deep sea diving over there.

I do everything unorthodox. I don't like following the crowd. Time out. So everyone knows, Keith is sitting on the bowl and takes pieces of, by the way- I'll do a reenactment. I'll use a lot. I'll do a reenactment during the 15 minutes.

How do you use the toilet paper? How do you use the toilet paper? I use a ton so that way I don't feel it as much. No, I don't use a ton. How much do you use? But I throw mine in the garbage. Why'd you get so serious? No, I don't use a ton.

No, I hate the guy that like fucking has like a whole bowl of shit. I do that. Does one wipe and then throws it in there. You take the toilet paper out and then you just, you go crazy. I don't do a ball. I fold.

You fold? No, I do a ball. I don't got time to do it. See, but look, I only fold it twice. Don't got time to fold it. You do it enough so you can fold it and then fold it again. You're chilling.

See, I don't get that kind of time. I use a lot and I bend all the way over and I just like from the back. You're leaning though. That's what I do. No, no, like I'm fully forward. I can't do it because the mic's right here. You bend over so that like you're,

you can look at your knees. You know what I mean? Like your eyes are at the same level of your knees. You're bent over that far. A little bit higher, I think. Hold on, let me try it. You're gonna. Right there.

Right there. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad. You're gonna make some little back work out of it. Wait, wait, you go behind your, behind? Yeah, fully behind. Why don't you lean? I don't know, Joey.

Am I crazy? Hold on. Are you guys a leaner? Am I just gonna do it wrong? The way you do it is dirty. Keep your dirt. First of all, Keith holds a spoon with every single, with a fist.

He do that wrong. You do that wrong. All right, look, this is how he, he holds a spoon with this whole fucking hand. Me and Cyril and I, I hold this one like this and I go like this, like that. He shovels it. That's what I do.

I do that. It's the dumbest thing ever. I don't even know how to hold a spoon. He's a caveman. How do I hold a spoon? And now you're surprised at the fact that, I don't know how to wipe. You know what?

I don't know how to. Goes past their dick and balls. You've been doing everything wrong. And then wipes towards their balls. And then ruins their take. That's what you do. I don't know how to wipe. Do you use baby wipes?

I don't know how to, what was the other thing I can't do? Everything. No, wipe. I can't wipe. Get a cookie out of my throat when I'm not breathing. No, you can't tell the truth is what you can. And something else.

There you go. What the fuck else was it? Look at your asshole. Oh, and eat cereal. There we go. I'll take a picture of it for you tonight. So you can take a look at everything. Dude, I swear, I would rather see it.

You will scar me for life. I'd rather see every, even a pay for my therapist. I don't, I was going to say something crazy, but I'm not going to say it. Thank you. Give this kid more apple cider for me.

Anyway, how long have we been recording here? I got to, I got to, I got to do a, we're done. All right, I'm going to do a spot here. Yeah, we're getting better. All right.

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On concrete? Like, I don't get it. You scrape in your asshole against the floor? If you squat, your underwear rips sometimes. No? If you squat, your underwear rips sometimes. You know what happens? Are you wearing?

Are you wearing underwear that fits? Underwear? What do you do? You're wearing underwear from the third grade? No. All right. I was trying to defend you. All right. It's like everything from up here,

like just purple, there's no blood getting there. Guys, by the way, I want to inform you. So I was looking up stuff to talk about in this podcast because most of the time I have no fucking idea what we're doing here, right? Well, clearly, that's every time. And I came across an article and it was headlined. Trump may have won election because he's good looking.

What? What? Does that mean I'm gonna win when I'm older? That means you're like a 20 out of 10. He's had the same hairstyle for like 50 years. Time out. How the fuck is that? By the way, this was a stunt.

This isn't just like a thing that some fucking millennial wrote and whatever while they were drinking Starbucks. This was a study did at the Swedish school of science. I don't know what the fuck they were looking up, nor do I know what. Why are you burping? I don't know.

Okay, hold on. That's why I went like this. How old is he? Trump? Yeah. I think he's 70, right? 900. No, I think he's 70, right?

70, 71. Let me look it up. He's kind of ageless. I feel like he's been old forever. Like Regis Philbin? He's looked the same for 20. I've never seen a young picture of his age though. Have you ever watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

I didn't know that was his life. Like, that's how you pronounce it. Regis Philbin. What'd you think it was? Philbin or some shit. You're dumb. I know. I can't get anything wrong.

Trump is 70. Okay, for his age, you think he's ugly? For his age, do I think he's ugly? Yeah. Bro, he's as orange as the fucking mic you're talking into. Who looks just like a smoke show or handsome at 70? I don't think he's good looking.

I think he looks like he's melting. Yeah, he is pretty ugly. I'm sorry. You know what he kind of looks like? He looks like he's kind of made a jello. Like everything kind of moves with him. You know? His hair is thinner than mine.

Well, good, at least it's not like push back and hey. Like some fucking whatever. They can't even laugh. But are you kidding me? Who's voting for him because he's good looking? Who's finding him good looking? He is really, really ugly. I'm sorry.

How many people are like 70 years old? Because there's no one our age or anyone like 40, 50 who are like, oh yeah, it's a good looking guy. No. I'm gonna bang him. You gotta be fucking 70. I'm gonna take him home tonight. Yeah, oh man.

What's her fucking name? What's his wife's name? He really caught my eye. Melania? Melania. Yeah, Melania's a lucky lady. Can you believe that she's fucking him? She might not be.

We're gonna get shut down because I'm talking about him. There's all kinds of things now. I know, but you're gonna relax. Yeah. Keith's scared. We have to relax. They're coming.

I need a drink. Yeah. I can't imagine having sex with this guy. I don't think he won because of his looks. No shot. No. I just don't understand why we're, why are we studying this

in the Swedish school of science? Do we don't care about anything else? Shouldn't you be doing science shit? That is science. Curing things? Is that science? Who's gonna use that information? I don't know.

No one. We are. Why did over 100,000 people vote for Harambe? That's another. He's good looking too. Yeah, Harambe, here we go. He's good looking too. That's why you got the votes?

Yeah, I don't know why scientists aren't researching other shit. Like, are we, do we, like aliens? By the way, every five seconds, something is cancerous to you. Well, yeah. According to the news. Everything.

We're drinking too much water. But Joey, what you brought up was- You guys gotta calm down. I think scientists should be looking up if aliens are real or not. They're obviously real. Are you kidding? I'm sorry.

It's my, I didn't even say anything about it. Keith is like the scientist for Independence Day. I said scientists should be looking to see if aliens are real. And you said, are you kidding? They're definitely real. But look, even if they are real, they're not putting that out there.

Cause a lot of people can't handle that shit. I'm just saying it. Can't handle that. A lot of people can't handle that. This is a therapy session though. People can't handle that. What do you mean? You can't handle if aliens are real or not?

Because if aliens are real, then religion goes out the window. Keith, what? Put yourself in an alien shoes. Can it handle that we're real? Do aliens wear shoes? That's the bigger question here. I don't think so.

Hold on, I have a question though. It's on topic though. If you believe that aliens are real, does that mean you should believe that ghosts are real too? Why the fuck would that even come close to being the same thing? Now you're putting them in the same category. That doesn't mean anything?

No, cause one of them is like... An extraterrestrial, the other one is a supernatural. No, we're getting scientific. Keith, those are really good fucking adjectives. Are they adjectives? Don't ask why I know those words. I don't know why I just... Adjectives, yeah.

Adjectives, yeah. The moron that says that. Oh my god. No. Aliens, to me, it's obvious that they're real. I think to think that we are the only things that are alive on one planet, out of all the fucking space there is,

it's kind of stupid. Yeah. No, I agree. You actually got me thinking that they're real. And I'm like, if they come here, we're fucked. That's obvious. I'm gonna start researching when I go in. We converted them.

I convince you. Oh, wait, do you think aliens are real? Yeah. Of course he does. Wow, you're gonna tell the people that? Keith, you can't say that. They can't handle it. Yeah, Keith.

I don't think religion goes out the window. Yeah, why does that relate to religion? I'm not getting into it. Yeah, please don't, because. Jesus, fucking Russia over here. You all right? I know what's going on. Russia, wow.

By the way, someone from Russia hacked into my Instagram. That's true. Both fucks. Yeah, Trump's boys. Hacking into Keith's Instagram. Let's see what the fuck is doing. Yeah, all right. Keith had a login from Russia.

Yeah. This is definitely getting shot down. Yeah, we're all, yeah. Yeah, we gotta relax. It's been fun. It's been real. I'm fucked. It had really cool, what is it like,

the third episode, fourth episode? Yeah, kind of like following you, run? Yes, exactly. Okay, that scared the shit out of me. I almost threw up. I almost threw up. I almost threw up. I wasn't expecting that.

It scared the balls out of me. My balls are out. Goodbye. By the way, speaking of balls are out, this is weird that this, I just brought this up, but have you ever been laying down and then like? Your balls looked out of the right side of your boxes?

No, it like goes up and like in. Oh, they become one ball. No. What? Sorry. What kind of balls? Forget about that, forget about that. They're not, they're different.

Hold on, hold on. You know, they're separate things. They're not like a Venn diagram. You can't just like make it. Oh, but can you feel when one shifts to the other side and you like get crazy and you're like, fuck. No, I'm talking about when it gets like sucked up. One ball.

Oh, like they, it's like you're cold and they become a. No, like one of them, right? Like sucks up into like. That's definitely the you problem. Your pubic area. Yeah, it goes into like this pocket area. Oh, like it goes to the top. And you gotta like push it back down and in.

And then it slides back in. That's what I was talking about. Yeah. Like it went to fucking. Yeah. Keith will just punch his ball. His ball gets like, oh no. Yeah, get in there.

Yeah, exactly. That's what Keith used to do when he was little. He'd get boners, he'd just punch them. He didn't know what to do. Yeah. No, but actually it's funny you say that. That's happened to someone that I know that their ball got like, they were having sex

and then afterwards, I don't know how he even noticed because like after I have sex, I'm not like checking to see if all my balls are there. Yeah. Yeah. So he felt like only one ball. And he's like, where the fuck did my other one go? And he wasn't, he didn't know where it went.

So he was like trying to find it. He had that moment where he thought he lost it. Yeah. He was, and for a while. Where to go with his fucking stomach? Like for 40 minutes. That must hurt though. I don't know if it hurt.

He was just kind of like nervous. Like, you know, where the fuck, it was weird. So he was like pressing and you know, eventually it came back and like took a little field trip or whatever, but that's fucking weird. He was like taking her out in the cold and then hey, oh, it's fucking weird. Listen, having dicks isn't easy.

Yeah, right? Yeah, right. Having dicks is not easy. Did she uppercut him in the nut sack? Like how do you fucking lose that? Is he into that? I don't know. Do you ever see that video though?

Oh my God. Of what? That is the fucking funniest video. The lady that chops the dick off? What the fuck are you talking about? Okay. What kind of porn are you watching? No, no, it's not porn, whatever.

Just get to your topic. Jesus Christ. Sorry. I gotta move away. The video, it's like a dude. I saw it on Twitter. Oh my God. It's a dude like laying down and he's like naked

and he's like blindfolded and just like fucking weird. And then there's some chick and she has like high heels on and she like Ronaldinho's this dude's fucking balls. Like oh. Yeah, but then she gets down on all fours and she's fucking punching it. Boom. She deserves to be in prison.

No, he was like down. He was into it. He signed up for this. He stopped and he was like, no, he's like, no. I don't want kids. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Oh man.

And then she was like pulling them. Wait a minute. Now I'm coming back to him. What you said, were you talking about the pain Olympics? What? Do you remember the pain Olympics? No. That was, that's when I did cut his dick off.

Cut his dick off. No, I was actually talking about the. I don't know why we fucking watched that. I think one of my friends threw up while we watched that. Do you remember when all those videos were dropping where I was like four kids in a sandbox and two girls, one cup and like random shit? Two girls, one cup, yeah.

The sandbox one, I think it was like a guy getting a dildo shoved in his dick hole. And I watched that and my dick was hurting for like an hour. And then two girls, one cup. Obviously, we know those two Asian girls are like shitting in cups and throwing up on it and needing it and shit. That was dope.

Is everyone having a good day out there? I was dope. And then you showed me, and you know we're not gonna get into this. Wait, what was the other one? Oh, and Church of Fudge. What? Church of Fudge was another one.

It's like. So I don't know if you guys know what that is, but it was a woman who was dressed as a nun and then a guy who was dressed as a priest. And he had his ass out of his robe. This is the best part though. And she was like eating his ass. And all of a sudden he just goes.

And just starts. I'm gonna throw up the apple cider vinegar. Because one of our friends goes, where's the shit? And then he's like. That's disgusting. I know. He farted and shit. And he was moaning as he was shitting.

Guys. And here's the fucked up part, the nun. The nun was all about it. Yeah. She was into it? She didn't even back away. She was like kinda doing this. She was like rolling her neck so she could get it everywhere.

Covered more service area. By the way, this is probably the only podcast you'll ever hear this on. Yeah, I don't know why I brought this up. It was good. That's disgusting. It was good. Do you remember the other one that you showed me?

It was weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. Hold on, real quick before I move. Why did they have to be dressed as nuns and priests? They're role playing. Yeah. Are priests shitting in mouths and nuns? No, they're just trying to be different. I don't know what they're doing over there.

What were you talking about? The video you showed me that was really fucked up. I forgot where you found it from. Guy trying to smuggle in a glass jar. Oh my God. Dude, there was a video of a guy sitting on a jar. Imagine a mason jar.

Yeah, it was like a legit jelly jar. A legit mason jar. Like a smucker's jar. I'm gonna tell you what happened, right? So first of all, the video starts and it's just knee down, right? Actually, dick down. You see the guy's dick, which by the way,

this guy was uncircumcised and had like just, he was not a shower, so his dick looked like a baby bird. Do you ever see like a- He was taking it off on the street. You ever walk on the street with that tic-tac? You ever walk on the street and you see like a dead baby bird, because like when they're like, as of age, they like kick him out of the fucking-

They look like dinosaurs. It's got like black eyes. Yeah, it's all like- Like it got in the way. It looked like Rocky after Rocky 4. Yeah, and they're like see-through. That's what this guy's dick looks like. It was all fucked up.

He like squats down and there's a mason jar there and you're kind of just like, all right, what's going down? And I'm assuming this guy was warming up before he turned the camera on, because he kind of got the rim of the jar in his ass. Yeah. I don't know, by the way,

that's impressive in itself. Oh, yeah. You know what? We would have been totally fine with you just doing that, but he wanted to get the whole jar in, right? I would have been like, wait, just take it in now. Is he getting paid for this?

What is he getting paid for this? Who's paying for this? This isn't like a, you know. That's a good point. Unless you guys want a full screen, sign him up. I'm sure he's down to sit on cups or whatever. But this guy starts sitting on the cup and then you see his ass just like form over it

and you're like, this is what's happening. It's going in his ass. At first you don't really know what's going on. So he starts going down, right? You don't know if he's taking a shit in it. You don't know what's going on. Yeah, he doesn't just like sit down on the seat like you can. He's not crazy or anything.

Yeah, he is. He's trying to smuggle a fucking jar in his ass. So you tell me this cup would be like nothing to him. I think so, yeah. But here's the fucked up part, right? So he's going down, whatever, and he gets like a good portion of the way down and we're like, yo, this is crazy.

Then he gets all the way down and his ass just swallows the whole jar as soon as the jar gets submerged. And this guy's asshole, it shatters. It shatters? Yo, it literally sound like a fucking gunshot. Wait, like the glass shattered in his ass? In his ass.

Hold on, this is the weird part though. Wait, that's the- Shatters in his asshole. And he's bleeding. He didn't even, it didn't even phase him. Didn't- He didn't go like, holy shit. It was just like, ah.

Not again. He's done it before. He banged on the fucking table like an idiot. He didn't make a sound. Nothing. All you heard was the shards and he started fishing them out. And there was blood.

Piece by piece? Yes. There was blood. This should be rated R podcast now. There was blood. A guy sat on a jar, the jar exploded in his ass and he had to pull glass shards out. Is anyone eating dinner right now?

Was he doing it for the views? What was he doing it for? Do you know what's crazy? Also, it was kind of like well produced because the whole thing was kind of like well lit. It was really good editing. And it was like a white backdrop too. So it's like, this guy has, you know?

He's done it before. You know, he's done freelance. It's like, all right, take three. This guy's done free one. I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna take a lap and we'll go fuck myself. This guy had like a white backdrop and you know, it was well lit.

He was ready for this. But yeah. So I've seen some things in my life. All right, we gotta get off of the guy sitting on a jar now. That's the second asshole we've talked about. It really is. Including mine.

We can go back to ghosts if you want. Oh yeah, we could, let's go. There we go. I like it. Why, you have ghost stories? I do actually have one. I have an angel story. I don't know if you compare that to ghosts.

They're ghosts. We'll put it there. All right, Keithy. An angel's a ghost though. You go first. All right, fine. All right, let me hear this. What was your story?

Are you gonna lie again? Get ahead. All right, go. It's three in the morning. It's not okay. I'm watching TV. Chase is sleeping. He's a dog.

Sleeping on the couch. Right? I shut the TV off. Talking to the mic there. Sorry, I shut the TV off. Should I say it over? No. All right.

I shut the TV off, because I'm gonna go to bed. It's fucking three in the morning. What am I doing? I forgot what the hell I was watching. It doesn't matter. None of that mattered. It didn't.

None of this. You're really good at telling stories. Shut the fuck up. I wanna hear about the fucking ghost. Now, Chase wakes up out of a dead sleep, and he's staring, not at me, but like a little bit to the right of me. Angled, yeah.

And he's fucking growling. He's never growled in his life. His teeth are showing. Now I'm like sitting in the, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm like, did someone come through the window without me knowing? So now I look behind me, there's nothing there.

So now I go to walk over to Chase and be like, what is going on? I took two steps towards him, and I swear to God, in my ear, I hear, hey. Like, hey. And I, y'all, every hair stood up on my body. I actually went into mom's room and told her, because I was that freaked out.

How old were you? I wanna shout myself. What? How old were you? I was 25. 25 yourself? No, sorry. No, I was 24, 24.

That's, I haven't even worse. You didn't like swing, I would've swung. I haven't even worse story with going to mom. It's embarrassing, though. I don't even know what you're talking about. What the fuck did you have on me? No, like, it's not anything as scary as that, but four days before my birthday of 2012, I would say.

Yeah, my grandpa passed away, right? So on my birthday, I woke up at like middle of the night, I don't know what time it was, and he was right there. Just him, his face. Just the face? Like, you could see, but I'm saying like his face, like he was right there. Like, there was no one else, it was him.

And I had a full conversation with him. Like, I can't tell you if I was dreaming or if like, but it was like real life. Like, I woke up and I saw him right there. I was on my couch in my living room. No, he was just saying like, I'm sorry I couldn't be there for your birthday. But like, we had a full conversation about that.

And I woke my dad up and I told him the whole story. Scary. Wow. But like, ever since that day, like, before that, I was like, ghost, what are ghosts, what are angels, blah, blah, blah. But like, ever since that day, like, I believe it. And I'm like.

Dude, I like, I fucking, so I don't like when people tell stories like about that shit. I get really like, I'm gonna get freaked out. No, like, it freaks me out. Well, like that? Yeah, like, it was like. It's happened to me one time, but not to me. Well, I was there.

But Sammy's friend from like high school, I think, like passed away. And then months later, we're sitting in her room and on her TV, like, you know what someone calls your house phone and it pops up on the TV? Like, blah, blah, blah, phone number, whatever. A thing pops up on the TV and it's the girl's last name, comma, her first initial and the number's blacked out

and just pops up on the TV. I'm getting the goosebumps. What the fuck? She doesn't have a house phone. So where the fuck did that come from? And by the way, that's never happened. You legit have to hook that up to the TV, too. Yeah, she doesn't have a house phone.

They moved into a new apartment. Like, they were there for like a couple months. So this thing just popped up on the TV and I was like, is that? And she's like, yeah. I was like. Not yet. I would have been like.

I was supposed to sleep there? Left. Fuck that. Yeah, I was like, fuck that. I was right out of the fire escape, bye. Yeah, I don't like that. You just gave me the chills right now. Yo, because I was sitting there and I was like,

you know what I mean? I'm like a skeptic and that happened to me. And I was like, I don't fuck with it at all. But you ever like watch paranormal activity? No, I never. Are you kidding? No, I saw the first one. You saw the first one.

If you watch it, you'll be like, wow, this can actually happen while you're sleeping. That'll ruin me. Dude, I live alone. I can't do that. Yeah, but I had a dream once that I thought I saw a dude at the end of my bed. And I always like, I know in like a,

like right now, if that happened to me, I'd be fucking terrified. But at the time when it happened, I wasn't. I was just kind of like, that's a dude, whatever. But like, I don't know if it was, if I was dreaming or not. Dude, I had dreams. Which I think I was.

I had some scary fucking dreams. I've never like, like when you hear, when you see on TV, people are walking through their living room and all of a sudden, glass flies off the shelf and breaks. And you're like, what's going on? You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to hear about those stories.

I don't want to fucking know. The ones, like I had a dream, like again, like look out my, looked out the window, looked out the door to our front yard. There's guy just standing at the gate. So my reaction was to close the door and I went upstairs and as I go upstairs

and then I turn around to the bottom of the stairs, he's running up the fucking stairs. I woke up and I, I would lock the door and put everything behind the door and just keep stuffing shit. Put the fucking couch, dressers, everything. I almost like projectile shit out my ass. Shot it out.

I almost spray farted on the wall. It was terrible. That's disgusting. Then you would have had to wipe, bend right over, pass the dick in the balls. He wouldn't have wiped, what, wiped? Wiped wiped. You gotta have one of the dirtiest dicks ever

if you're wiping that way, by the way. I hate to bring it back up. I bring up the dicks now. I'm sorry, but I just can't believe, you gotta wipe the opposite way. Why? So you don't have a dirty taint. Who's touching my taint or licking my taint?

Please stop. People do that. I'm not into that. Well, Keith, you probably are. What time is it? It's early. If you don't know, you probably are. All right.

Guess we can wrap it up here. It's been fun. Keith, where can they find you if they want to contact you? They can. Okay, here we go. This is rough. Shut up, sorry.

You can find me on Instagram and Twitter at atkeatsantagato and you can, I have a gaming channel and you can find me by putting YouTube slash Keith Santagato. I actually forgot my information, hold on. Instagram, you can find me. I forgot my information. Instagram, you can find me at Shmeddy,

with two, with Shmeddy, just type in Shmeddy. I'm the only Shmeddy on the planet. Don't forget to sign up for full screen. Tune in to that 15 minute segment. It's called the Extra Yard. We're about to head over and shoot that right now. Oh yeah. So that drops at the same time as this podcast.

So if you have full screen, you're gonna see what's going down. We don't even know what the fuck's gonna happen. Honestly, they set something up here. I don't really fucking like it, they're just firing. Hopefully I'm not wiping. Yeah, I don't wanna see you do that shit. I honestly, after we walk out of this room,

I want you to show the toilet and reenact how you do it. To be honest, I don't wanna wipe ever again now. I'm a self-conscious wiper now. Be honest, have you ever wiped the way you do? And then we'll leave. But have you ever wiped the way you do and your knuckle either hit a piece of shit or the water? No.

My hands hit my nose. He lies again. Good night, everyone. What am I fucking bobbling for apples? Like what am I doing? You're knuckling it. You're fucking... No.

No, he's good. I'm not fucking... What is this? My elbow deep. I've had shit on my finger before. Okay. But we're gonna end this. Yeah, please.

All right, that is all. And thanks for listening and watching. All right. Cheers.