The Basement Yard - I'm Going Back To Vegas

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

Good news, I'm going back to Vegas. Bad new, I'm going to be sharing a room with Davino. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Basement Yard. It is Monday, February 1st, 2016. The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means that the next episode of this, next Monday, I'm going to sound like an absolute piece of shit because I'm just going to be hung over as hell. I'm going to start, we have every, I have a football, I'm in a football league and every week we have a game on Sunday morning and this Sunday our game is at 8am, which means after the game we'll probably get home around like 10 and probably going to start drinking at 10.03. And that's, and the game doesn't even start until like 7 or 8 or some shit. It's going to be disgusting. It's going to, it's just a whole lot of beer. Oh God, I can feel myself

getting fatter a week away. You know what I mean? It's six days away, but whatever. My birthdays in 24 days, February 25th, I turned 24 years old, which is sucks. Which is sucks. All right? It sucks. It is sucks. And I don't care, you know, people older than me is like 24. Oh my God, I wish I was 24 again. Oh man, I had just so much fucking weed when I was 20. Shut up. All right? I feel as old to me. All right? Anything past 21, I'm like fuck, another one of these birthdays are not cool anymore. All right? You got to 21, that was dope. What do I look forward to now? Like your next birthday that you look forward to is when you turn 40. Like I'm still here. I made it to 40. And then from then on, no

one, no one gives a shit. Not even your friends. They're like, dude, I don't, don't have to like come hang out with you or some shit. Like it doesn't matter. 24 is like an irrelevant birthday year. It doesn't matter. It's just an excuse to drink, which I'm trying to cut back on because I'm trying not to beat a fat piece of shit anymore. Even though I do feel good, I've been running a lot and working out every day at 8am. I don't know if I've said that before, but yeah, I talk about it so much. You got to get less gross guys. What hashtag? Oh man, I don't know where that came from. I like videotaped myself promoting my own video on my Instagram. And I just put the hashtag got to get less gross. And people

seem to like it because they've been using it on Twitter and Snapchat and shit. Which fuck it. If it's inspiring people to not be a piece of shit, then why not? You know? I'm also very happy because I booked a trip to Vegas. I'm going to Vegas this summer with a bunch of my friends actually, but I only booked a room with two other my friends. And one of them is a psycho, this kid Anthony DeVino. And he already told me that he gets so excited and he's like a puppy. Like if you can even say anything to him in a high-pitched voice and he's excited about it like, you want to go drink Windex? And he's fucking wagging his tail. That's Anthony DeVino. So we're going to Vegas and he's fucking hype as hell.

He told me already that we're going to be in the plane. He's going to take a Xanax and then drink whiskey, which if you take Xanax and you drink whiskey, you're basically, you're asking for bad things to happen. Then he's like, I'm going to fuck the stewardess. And I'm like, here we go. He actually said flight attendant, which is like a unisex term. So it could be a guy. I don't know. It depends on what kind of flight we get on. I'm not sure, but that's what he told me. And I'm not going to sit next to him. I booked us different seats and I'm not lying. Like I booked the trip and I swear I put myself in an aisle because like on planes, like I don't really like flying. You know, I used to get anxiety

when I, when I flew, I don't really much anymore. But to prevent that, I get an aisle seat because I just pretend I'm on a bus. I can't see outside the windows. I don't know. I'm so high in the air. I sit in the aisle. I feel like I'm on a bus. I'm like, no, this isn't turbulence. We're just hitting speed bumps. But yeah, that's what I do. But I booked myself an aisle seat and I put, I put Davino like three rows back against the fucking wall. Like he's, he's in the window. So, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if that kid gets on the plane with a parachute on and like tries some wild shit. He's out of his goddamn mind, but that's just him. And he's not the worst of it. I have like another seven people coming with

me and they're all nuts. It's going to be a shit show. The first time you went two years ago, I think there was like five of us and it was a lot of fun, man. I got there on a Friday and had to leave on a Sunday because of work and stuff. But when I landed in front, first of all, if you have to connect flights, oh God, I've only done that one time. I will never do that again. We booked Vegas late, me and one of my other friends, Nick, and the only flights that they had were from this airline spirit, which if you've ever flown spirit, you know, it is awful. It's fucking abysmal. It's just, first of all, if you get to the, the, if you go to board the plane, they go, no, that bag's too much. They don't

just like put it on the plane or check it for the $25, whatever it costs on any other airline. Since you came to the gate with your bag and it's too big, they're like 100 bucks. So they're fucking you before you step on the flight. And then the planes are made of fucking paper. So we're flying over the desert in Vegas bumping all over. Dude, I, we thought we were going to die on this plane. I swear to God, my friends looking at me, we're hitting turbulence so bad that there's people behind us going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like people are flipping out. Like we were dipping fucking going to the side to side. I'm like, dude, I just want to live, please God, just let me live. And thank God we got there. I would

have never been so happy to get on the ground in 120 degree weather, by the way, fucking Vegas. It's so hot there. Obviously it's a desert. But it's insane. But Vegas is such is a ton of fun. But we had connecting flights. So we flew to Chicago. And then we had a four hour layover. So we sat in a bar in the airport and just drank for four hours and then got on the plane. By the way, if you sit in a bar in an airport and drink for four hours, not only are you an alcoholic, but you're also going to be broke afterwards. Because the drinks are absurd. I asked this lady, the ex the waitress actually funny. I asked the waitress, I'm like, how much is a Jack and Coke? She looked at me like she was about

to give me the worst news, the worst news ever. She's like, I'm like, what the fuck is the give me a number? Jesus. And she's like, yeah, it's $13. And I was like, okay, that's fine. Like I was expecting it to be like, you know, somewhere around there because I'm in an airport, you know, you want to buy a bottle of water, it's fucking $6. So she's like, oh, yeah, it's Jack and Coke. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. Can I get one of those? And then she doesn't even like write it down. She just starts explaining to me why it costs 13. She's like, you know, because you got to pay for like the Jack Daniels and you have to pay for the Coca Cola that goes in. I was like, I know very well what I'm

paying for. Not my first rodeo lady. I know how Jack and Coke work. I know there is Jack and I know there is Coke. And I know I have to pay for both my pain for just fucking half of it. And she's like, you got to also the the ice and the straw. I'm like, just shut up and get me the drink. But so we did that. And we sat there and we drank for so long. And then we got on our flight to Vegas, which was like another three and a half hours. Once we landed there, I had been in the air not really eating much like I didn't have breakfast because our flight was early in the morning and I can't eat that early. So we landed in Chicago. We drank and like I had like a burger, but it was like a small burger. It was like

a slider. But then when I landed in Vegas, I had been in the air for so long that I was insanely dehydrated and I had the most pounding headache. So I had to take a bunch of Advil and I just like went to sleep. My friends will never let me live that down. Dude, you got to Vegas to take a nap. Fucking loser. I was like, all right, relax, I can't walk straight. My head's killing me. I really I literally have never had a headache like that ever. Like I was dizzy, like I couldn't walk. I was like, please God, don't make me be sick. I just want to have a good time in Vegas, but I just woke up the next day and I was totally fine. Just hydrated, get your Tylenol in by the way, a bottle of Tylenol comes

with like six pills. It's like $400 in Vegas. So, you know, and in the casino, if you want to take out money, $35 ATM charge. They're just fucking people, raw dog, no lube. It hurts. It's insane. But the pool parties are so fucking fun. We got to the pool party, go up to the bar, we're like, dude, how much is one of those like liquid things? Like they're like the size of a, if you ever seen like a protein shaker, it's like the size of that. And there's like just a mixed drink in it. I'm like, how much of those guy goes 38. And I was like, oh my God, then I'm like, how much is a bucket of six beers? He goes 68. I'm like, what the so I got the little liquor drink. There was no alcohol in it. I mean, there was, but it's

just minimal. So I was like, fuck this, I'm just going to get the beers. I paid $68 for six beers. So I'm going to ask, oh, I spent $300 that day. It was dope. But as we're standing in the pool, some fucking Asian dude, he's wearing sunglasses and cargo shorts, does a front flip into the pool. It's Vegas. There's tons of people in the pool. This guy does a front flip in the middle of the fucking pool. And then looks at his boy and go, oh, fuck, bro. I had Molly and Coke in there. So now there's just Molly and Coke all in this fucking pool pouring into my system, right, right through the pores. You know, I don't know if I felt the effects. I did hook up with a very unattractive woman that

date. So that was dope. Anyway, I saw this video on Facebook that really bothered me. It's just of this little like white girl who just looks like she carries around one of those little Chihuahuas. I hate that shit, by the way. Girls like buying dogs that they could just carry around and show people that they have. Look, I got one. I'm like Paris Hilton. It fits in my bag. It fits in my bag. I'm like, oh, God, those dogs suck, by the way, Chihuahuas. I'm sorry, if you have a Chihuahua, like I love dogs. Those dogs are like having little deer or something, little skinny legs. They're barely fluffy and they're just like got angry faces. I don't like them. Like little fluffy dogs that you like mistake

for pillows and shit. Those are my kind of dogs. But anyway, this is a white girl on the fucking train and there was like a group of black dudes on the train and she was screaming at them, calling them the n-word. And I'm like, what the fuck? Like what's wrong with this bitch? And luckily they were like laughing and they found it funny because you know, what the hell is she actually going to do? But this girl was crazy. She's screaming at the top of her lungs at these dudes. And one of the guys like, dude, you called us the n-word first. Like what are you saying? And she was walking over to them and kicking them and hitting dudes, trying to slap them. I'm like, this girl, first of all, she's brave as shit.

And those dudes are like, fucking, I don't know the word, but how they didn't just rock this girl and knock out her two front teeth is beyond me. Honestly, like she crossed several lines and was hitting them and they didn't do anything. They were just like laughing at her. Thank God. But this girl is just disgusting. And I was like, what the fuck? How do you live in New York City and you're racist? Like that makes no fucking sense to me. Like dude, I'm pretty sure you work with, go to the gym with and buy food from all different types of people with different ethnicities. So how the fuck can you be racist? Like it just doesn't make any fucking sense to me. And I was like offended. I don't know. I was just super offended

by it. I'm like, this girl, you know, I was just thinking like people like that, we should just throw on top of a fire or into a wood chipper feet first. What's that movie where where the guy kills, man, it's like an old movie. And the guy kills someone and he's putting them through a wood chipper at the end of the movie. Oh man, that's a great scene. That's the way to do it. You throw people into a wood chipper, then people will just totally forget about it. You think twice before you say that word again, think twice before you get racist, throw your ass in a wood chipper. Whoever's running for president and says that, I'm like, whatever, you got my vote, I'm down, whatever, I don't even care about your other policies, just as long as we could

wood chip people, that would be great. At least kick her onto the tracks and like something, whatever. Very violent, very violent on this day. I also saw this video that Ali Daily posted. I used to work there and it was like your mom goes through your phone and I don't know how they casted people for this. So it was like a guy or a girl with their mother, actually it was all dudes. So it was dude and their mother and she's going through his text messages. And in my mind, I'm going no fucking shot, just no shot. You think I'm gonna let my mom go through my phone? What are you out of your fucking mind? And like, do you know what goes on in my group chat? I have a group of 12 psychotic people that I'm friends with and the group chat's

nonstop. It's all day. If I'm looking at my phone, I'm gonna say how many text messages I'm missing right now. I checked my phone 10 minutes ago. There's 27 texts that I haven't read and they're all in the group chat. It's all undo not disturb. My phone doesn't even line up anymore because they just killed my battery. But they just say wild shit all day. Like randomly. Like it'll be 8am and this kid's sending a picture of some girl getting nailed in the A in the fucking group chat. I'm like the fuck is, dude it's 8am. I haven't even had breakfast and I'm seeing asshole. Are you kidding me? Enough. And then he tells me you need to grow up. I need to grow up. Yeah, okay. 8am. Asshole. Dude, I'll never be growing enough for that. Stop it. So, I mean, that's the main

reason why my mom can't go through my phone. Also, just like, I'm in a relationship and sometimes like sexting happens. And if I was single, or if anyone's single really, sometimes sexting happens with more than one person, you know? You're having a good conversation with someone. All of a sudden it turns to 1203 and you're like, ooh, I'm in a mood. And then it just, the conversation takes that turn. You know? I understand single people. I understand how that happens. The next day you're like, why the fuck did I do that? You feel like you had sex with them but you didn't really? You just told them that you would. But in the back of your mind the whole time, you're like, I would never have sex with this person or do any of the shit that I'm saying right now.

But this is fine. But um, but yeah, how the fuck can you let your mom go through your phone? Dude, and they had to have deleted at least some text messages. Like, you don't go film that video and just not delete the bad ones. Because like, you don't want your mom seeing like your own dick. That's terrible. I don't even, like that just ruined my day that I just said that. Like, what would I do if my mom was scrolling through my phone? All of a sudden she's like, oh, dick. And I'm like, fuck, you saw it. She saw it when I was younger, when it was fucking half an inch. It's grown a little bit since then, not too much, but it has a little. I don't want you to see it anymore. What the hell's going on on Facebook? You can see here. Oh god, of course. I go to facebook.com.

I click on it. The first video that's here are those videos of the troops coming home. Great. I need this in my life. Start crying any second. Oh my god. These are the hardest videos to watch. These videos, the videos of the troops coming home and Marley and me are things that don't make me cry every time. Dude, if you've seen Marley and me, oh my god. It's awful. I called like the last 10 minutes of it and I was sobbing, sobbing. The movie's awful, man. Dog dies. Spoiler. All right? Dog's dead. Dog's dead right now. He's in the ground. But it's the saddest shit ever. And the troops coming home. I remember one time I was watching ESPN. I'm just trying to watch sports. Have a good time. You know, I love sports. I want to go there. I'll watch whatever.

Any highlight. It doesn't matter. Cricket. I don't even know how the game works. I'll fucking watch some guys hit a fucking rubber ball or a paddle or whatever. So I'm watching it and all of a sudden they have a segment on the troops coming home and I'm like, fuck. And then I couldn't change the channel because then I felt bad. I'm like, if I change the channel, then I don't support the troops and I had those whole thing. I was like, fuck. So I watched it because I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't American. So I'm watching this thing and you know, I'm getting through it, right? It's like one minute. I'm like, okay, it's probably wrapping up two minutes. Oh my god, three minutes. Jesus Christ. It's starting to get me four minutes. Now I'm like, how fucking long is this thing? It

was seven and a half minutes long. And when I got to the four minute mark, there was this one particular scene where it's like at a baseball game. And the kids were being honored at the game for their father being a soldier. And they're like near home plate. And then the dad comes out of like the bullpen. So he's walking through the outfield. And then everyone starts running towards each other, not everyone, like just the family. That'd be weird. Everyone starts walking towards each other, but like the family starts running towards each other. And the father doesn't even make it to the infield. Like he just drops to his knees and then they all tackle him. Ooh, I could cry right now thinking about it. That shit was rough as hell. And then I still had

three minutes to go, three and a half minutes to go by the end of it. Forget it. I was, I was, I was soaked in tears. It's terrible. I mean, no, it's great. It's not terrible, but like, it's awesome. I love it. It's great. But it's just sad, you know. And yesterday, Grease Live was on. Vanessa Hudgens, apparently. Her father had died hours before the show. And she performed. And I watched some of it because my girlfriend was like, oh my god, can we watch Grease? And I was like, fuck. The Pro Bowl was on, the NHL All-Star Game was on. She's like, let's watch Grease. I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. But she did watch Straight Outta Compton with me, which was a great movie, by the way. I ordered that. So we watched

it. So I was kind of like, all right, maybe I'll give this a half hour just because you sat through Straight Outta Compton, even though I think she actually enjoyed it. But Vanessa Hudgens was great. She didn't look like upset, like extremely professional. Like how sad is that? But I only gave that like 25 minutes. And I was like, all right, I'm going to watch. And Nick, the Knicks were playing the Warriors yesterday too. It was a lot to watch. So I went upstairs and I watched some of the game. And then I was like, you know what, the NHL All-Star Game ended. The Pro Bowl is dog shit. So I barely watched that. And then the Knicks started to get blown out. So I'm just like, fuck this shit. And I just went downstairs and played NHL. And that's all that happened this

week. I'm sure I'm going to have tons of stories next week after the Super Bowl party. It's going to be a disaster. My friend's like, yo, can I get a plus seven? I'm like, what, are you fucking crazy? He wanted to add, he wanted to have a plus seven. Does that even, like you get a plus one, dude. A plus seven? The fuck do you think this is? So it's going to be a disaster. Who the fuck knows? I got to go buy kegs and leave them in my backyard. There's two kegs from last Super Bowl that are still in my backyard. I haven't brought them back. And I don't think I'm gonna. I think I'm just going to collect kegs and my mom's going to kill me. Anyway, that's all for this episode, guys. If you're into sports, I run a sports podcast with my friends. It's called

Veterans Minimum. It's on iTunes and SoundCloud Veterans Minimum. And also I'm on another podcast called Invasion of Privacy with Kate Wolf. And that, you get the serious side of Joe, not all jokes and whistles, not all lights and cameras. I don't know what that means. But yeah, so go check that out also. It's called Invasion of Privacy, also on iTunes and SoundCloud. Still working on getting this podcast back on iTunes, but you know, they keep telling me to go fuck myself. So we're going to keep trying, all right? And thanks for listening, you motherfuckers.