The Basement Yard - I'm Gonna Punch A Kid

Episode Date: January 5, 2016

New Years Resolutions, Punching Kids, & more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday January 4th, 2016. Holy shit 2016 it's the new year. I hope you guys had a fucking New Year's. I think I'm sick because I've been drinking a lot Lately New Year's was a fucking blur a lot of Jack Daniels ton of Jack Daniels and Jack fireball like I don't know what it's called actually. It's it's like fireball Everyone knows what fireball is right fucking drunk white girls love that shit They drink it like it's fucking water, but it's like Jack Daniels, but fireball I like it better than the regular fireball the one that Jack Daniels make it's like Jack Daniels makes it's like some cinnamon

Shit, I don't know. This isn't an advertisement. I just really like whiskey that Jameson shit like that, but yeah my entire Bloodstream is filled with that shit currently I'm gonna take some time off from drinking a lot of time off actually because like I say on every fucking thing. I'm trying to lose Like ten pounds trying to rip up back in a gym. It sucks like so bad It's the worst thing ever today. I went like today was the first time I was back in the gym

And oh Jesus Christ, I got mad but today was the first time I was back in the gym in a while And usually when I take some time off from the gym that I go back like I'm just I feel like the weakest person in the world So it was a Discouraging day. It wasn't really discouraging because I didn't get that much weaker than I usually am but you do lose some strength for whatever reason and So I was just kind of like oh, and I was just like tired because I wasn't used to Exerting myself like that and then I went into the locker room fucking old guy dick out like it never fails Like every time I'm having a bad day go to the gym come to the locker room dick out right there like just come on man

wrap the towel Around and another yeah in the gym the towels Aren't even like like if you don't bring your own towel though gyms the towels they have at the gym are like hand towels So it's like even if you try to wrap it around There's gonna be like an entire thigh out and then you know the wind the breeze is gonna hit the towel And then I'm gonna see a ball and it's gonna ruin my day but Yeah

So Kind of curious what everyone's New Year's resolutions are I haven't even asked anyone that I feel like no one does that anymore But I made a couple for myself honestly It's not really like resolutions. I just really just want to stop Slacking off because I am the biggest Procrastinator and just I wouldn't even know I don't even know if it's called procrastinating because I Think the definition is just putting something off But that would indicate that eventually you do it me

I just put it off, and then I just don't fucking do it ever like that I don't know the word for that is but I just need to stop doing that Procrastinating would be a step up from what I do because I have these plans To do things because there's so many things that I want to do with this audience that I've been fucking blessed with But I just get so distracted like I sit down I start working on something and then I just like look at Twitter and forget about it I'm gone for a week. Just I just forget about everything and it's just it's it's bad. So this year I'm really

Gonna stop doing that because there's a ton of things I really I really want to do like my my newest thing now, which I'll tell you because If it doesn't happen now I look like an asshole So I'm forced to do it but what I really want to do now is people have been asked me for like merchandise and shit like that and I Was thinking about okay, so maybe maybe I'll do that. I'll sell some merchandise Right, but I'm not gonna take any of the money. What I'm gonna do with the money is I'm just gonna take it I'm not gonna take any of the money. What I'm gonna do is gonna take it

No, but like I'm looking at a bunch of different sites and trying to figure out Which one's the best one to go with I'm talking to some people But I would like it so how if I have merchandise and whatever money I make that Whatever money I make from that off You know, whatever the fucking is shirts mugs fucking posters. I don't fucking know you ever buy a poster at me on it I'm gonna kill you but Whatever money I get from that at the end of every month, I'll just put it towards Like a go fund me or something because I see that I see see that sometimes where people are like, oh, you know, I

Don't know like their uncle needs help with like they have surgery or something Like I would I would like to do that because I mean technically I'm losing money from it But it's not a lot and it's not and it's just like I don't care about Getting money from merchandise. It's more like a cool way to Give certain people who have asked for merchandise what they want while also being able to take that money and put it towards something worthwhile I think that would be cool because honestly, it sounds like corny but

Really just making people laugh and like smiles like the only thing I've ever wanted to do since I was a kid Like if anyone in my house was upset or something like I wouldn't leave like I would be I would annoy them Until they finally broken laughs like I just love that shit. I live for that So like if I can make people laugh and like help them or both like forget about it I'm on cloud nine. So I really need to stay on top of my shit. I need to like make stuff like that happen But yeah, that's my my new year's resolution, man I gotta just I gotta be on top of that Because I feel like I could do so much

But I just I've never had like the work ethic like I have a work ethic But it's like it just is so inconsistent like I'll be on top of something for like a Month and then afterwards. I'll just like fall out of it completely. I'm just like oh So I got to stop doing that this year new year knew me new year knew me Fuck God, I'm not gonna say that but I'm gonna try you know, I'm gonna try and do that And I'm gonna try and use my phone less and Stop texting and driving. That's the biggest thing also like I cuz I text and drive I do it's terrible

And it's like dangerous. I've never been pulled over or in an accident knocking on wood but I'm just like lucky in that, you know what I mean because people get into car accidents all the time because of texting and driving and I've had times where I'm texting look up and like It's not super close, but it's like oh if I look down for another two seconds, you know, I'm in a hospital, but or in the ground Like so it's so dumb don't do it Please God don't do it and I'm gonna you know not do that anymore

I'm just gonna just put it in like the glove compartment or something like Just it's stupid so that's those are my two things not stops like an off and No more texting and driving. I hope my mom doesn't listen to this because she would fucking kill me if she knew that I was texting and driving Not even at red lights Even if you're not moving put your fucking phone down. All right, don't do it fucking dangerous Also, I hate when I'm behind someone at a red light and I know they're texting because the light turns green and they're just not moving They're looking down. I hold on my horn like this fucking loser is tricking and driving and then as soon as I get past the light

I pick up my phone. So like it's yeah, just don't be a fucking idiot But seriously on a serious note like I made a I made a video about New Year's resolutions and You know like funny things but on a serious note, whatever your resolution is like I hope that You know, you know, I know it's corny when people like oh this year is my year and da da da, but like Fuck that just I don't even know what to say like I'm an asshole Don't fucking listen to people like me who make fun of people who say that but it really could be Your year if you put the work in and it doesn't matter what the fuck it is or Even if you like if you don't know how to do it like do we have Google like if you don't want to do something

You can figure it out like I had a job as an editor and producer for a company. That's pretty successful and I Worked there for two years and I had never taken any type of class For editing no film class none of that shit I literally googled everything that I needed to know and Taught myself because if you wanted bad enough you'll find out a way to fucking to do it and There's no reason why you should be

Discouraged and feel like I can't that's not really and I like it's not realistic for that to happen like dude It's realistic. I've said this like when I was younger. I always said like for whatever reason I'm not saying don't go to school, but what I'm saying is when I was in college. I always felt like this is not my thing Like it's just not and it's not because I was a bad student or anything like that because I was always like a high 80s 90s student all my whole life and I signed up late for I signed up for college late So the only slots I could take for math were Saturday and Sunday at 8 a.m. And I took them and I didn't miss a class and that was when I was like

18 19 so I was like, you know, that's the age where you're like Going all these parties your friends are freshmen in college So they're like, you know Inviting you everywhere and you're just and I'm over here just going to class at 8 a.m. So I had to be up early or just like not go out so I was going to all that but I really felt like I this isn't my shit so I stopped and You know took a while to figure out You know, what exactly I wanted to do but I always just felt like that wasn't it

But I had a feeling that I would be fine because whatever I wanted to do I was gonna figure it out once I found my thing I was gonna figure it out So if you ever find your thing or you think something is your thing Then dude just fucking do that like full throttle though You can't like kind of do it like because you're taking a big risk because if you're gonna, you know If if whether let's just say it's not school if you don't go to school now You don't have a degree. You're at a severe disadvantage in the fucking world without a degree It's hard already for people to get jobs and imagine if you don't have a degree

They're gonna be like, yeah, okay get the fuck out, you know depending on what it is all I just I'm trying to preach here is that The Disney slogan, I don't know if it's Disney actually but it's like really any like you can do anything that you want and You know for some reason people feel like when it's a new year It's a new slate you could start fresh so I'm letting you know if you want to start this year and you want it to be your year or whatever it is Or you want to do whatever you really can do that if you just put all your time and energy into that shit All right

pieces of garbage I Don't know where this came from. I was not expecting expecting to talk about this, but I That's just how I feel I honestly feel like that and I hope the fact that you know Whatever success that I have what little success that I have right now I hope that's inspiring to some people and there's a reason why I don't have You know a fancy backdrop or like shoot in a studio or whatever like I don't want to do that because It's not first of all. It's not me. It's not it's just not me and You know if I want people to realize

that if I can sit here in my basement and You know reach this many people if I can do this, why can't you fucking be a doctor? Why can't you you know, whatever the hell you want to do? Like if I can do this Like what I've done so far then why not you know, I hope that's a little inspiring to people that You know, I'm not doing anything crazy. It's not Rocket science, it's not necessarily you have to get lucky. You just have to be persistent Sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about. I sound like a fucking father given their daughter and son a speech

So ridiculous by the way speaking of that the other day I was walking past a park and Some school was getting out like the all the kids were like getting out So it's like the parents just wait outside in the in the schoolyard and the kids like run to their parents and As I'm walking by don't ask why a lot of people are gonna be like how does this pop into your fucking head? But this is what happens mad so If I'm standing there, right, and I'm like if I was a parent and like I Go to pick up my kid I walk in the schoolyard and I just see like three other kids like beating the shit out of my kid

What do you do? You know what I mean Because if you touch a kid then parents flip out I write them like they just go crazy You can't touch kids in school anymore like the teacher can't like bring you to the Corner to talk to you like they have to like ask like a come here And if you say no, what are they gonna do like it's crazy like my my brother and my mom work in a school and They know you can't touch kids at all and I'm not saying touch kids like grab their dick

I'm saying like touch them anywhere like on the back on the head tussle their hair You can't do that because all they all it takes is for them to go he she touched my head and you're like oh Why you touch her head? Oh, I mean, you know, it's all fucking everyone's a pedophile, but So what do you do these three kids are beating the shit out of your son me? I thought I'm like I don't know if I Don't know what I would do. I feel like I would throw these kids across the yard. I Really do what I'm gonna do. Hey stop. Don't beat this shit out of my dude. I am flinging this kid I'm grabbing the back of his school back and throwing him across the goddamn

schoolyard Could care less what happens after that is that bad? I don't know I Think that's good. I Think it's good. I think I think that's what they need. They think oh shit Maybe I shouldn't do that because I could get tossed by other people. That's what you need to to teach kids. I Think cuz what are you gonna do you're gonna go? Hey, no, and then I don't go. Yeah, fuck you dude like I was like the worst kid ever but I you know people

like I'm thinking about it if I was younger and I was a real piece of shit kid I really wasn't like I didn't have any super bad intentions like whatever But if I was one of those kids that bullied people and I knew that I don't I can't really get disciplined No one's gonna touch me So I literally can do whatever the fuck I want. It's bad. You know what I mean? I should walk over and punch the kid in his fucking face. That's what I should do But I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna throw him

And then I started thinking about what if I was walking with my mom and some woman Starts fucking her up and starts beating up my mom. What do I do now? I? Just I try to break it up. I don't know if I could Yeah, I really don't know I Don't know if a woman walks up to my mom like if I go outside like I hear a ruckus I walk outside my mom's outside. She's getting the shit kicked out of her by two women. I Got a fucking lay one out, right and then push the other one. Hey get out of here. Are you all end up like your friend? I don't know. Those are crazy questions people are gonna be so mad at me that I said that

Don't hit women listen I've never hit a woman or pushed or shoved or any of that shit and I've been smacked and punched in the face I haven't hit a woman ever. I'm just saying If I saw my mom Getting the life kicked out of her. I think I would lay someone out. I think I would It's your mother, you know, it's all bets are off If I had a bat in my hand, I might even I might even you know hit a knee Tear that ACL real fucking quick break the kneecap can't walk

learn your lesson But I wouldn't hit a kid with a bat God what am I talking about right now? No, but seriously having a kid terrifies me having a daughter terrifies me like oh god I hope my daughter like if I have a daughter and she's just like a big whore I'm gonna be pissed. I Don't know everyone's gonna be like Joe. Stop slut shaming like dude. It's my daughter Matt slut shaming. I just don't want her to be sucking dicks in like her freshman year

She's blowing all the seniors like I don't want that The only reason why her and her friends get Invited to the parties is cuz one of her friends has like her her she my daughter is good looking and her friends got huge tits So they get invited to the parties and then they start blowing everyone cuz they want to impress the upperclassmen. I don't want that shit. I Don't want that I'm sorry but Yeah, man, I don't know or I'm terrified if uh to have a boy who gets

Like the shit kicked out of him all the time That would suck. I don't like that's the toughest thing To have to be a parent and just like your kid gets bullied dude, I hate that shit. I Remember in like middle school There was this one kid that would get bullied all the time. I forget his name, but Like kids there was like a group of these four kids that would bully him all the time and I'm just like not having it I was like, yo, I'm gonna fucking kill these kids one day and this one day I had heard that they took his school bag and threw it out the window

right Which what the fuck come on, but they threw it out the window And I was like that's fucked up, but whatever and then after school I'm walking and like to get on my bus and I see the four of these kids throw this kid in the snow and Start just like I don't know like kicking snow on him or some shit

so, you know Me and my friends we just me and well me and one of my friends We just fucking started teeing off on these kids because I was like ridiculous like and everyone no one like It was weird because it not weird, but like this is how it's supposed to be But I've never been in a situation where it's like the bullies bully a kid and no one stands up for them Like I've never like I only see that in like movies and shit where it's like oh go sit in the bathroom and eat your lunch You fucking nerd like what the fuck like that's never happened like if that happens in front of me I'm going to say something, you know every time

Like dude, you're not about to like are you kidding me? I'm gonna let that shit happen the fuck and if you have let that happen You're a fucking piece of shit, so There's that Yeah, it's terrible man. I can't imagine having that Like there's this like one kid who always comes home from school and it's like That's awful. I've been blessed like I didn't have to do it any of this because I Have a group of 15 friends sent that I've known since fourth grade. So it's like I Didn't have any like crazy

friendships through high school or like Middle school kind of did because I couldn't go outside Well, I was like in sixth grade or whatever Or like I could but I had to be home. I like five like so I how can you develop a friendship in the neighborhood like that? but I've had the same group of friends and it's like, you know forever, but It's it's just like it's different when you live in a neighborhood where there's not a lot of kids Or you don't fit in and then you go to school and you don't fit in there and on top of that There's these fucking assholes who are throwing your school bag out the window throwing you in the snow

What the fuck? See, this is why we should be able to punch kids This is that's exactly why if I walked in that schoolyard and kids were hitting my kid I'm fucking shadow kicking one of them in the jaw shattering it and Fucking hanging the other one upside down from the monkey bars Do people do that? Why is that? Why was that like a thing like?

There was a guy who would steal lunch money in in like cliche movies or whatever It's like they hung nerds upside down by their ankles and shook them Until money came out How ridiculous, you know, I just hope my kid doesn't get picked on and I hope my daughter is in a raging dick sucker And I hope she doesn't Get Instagram famous because of her body

It's kind of crazy, isn't it like there's people on Instagram literally are famous Everyone knows who they are because they're just like Take ass pics It's wild man. Ass pics get you a lot nowadays. Forget about what fucking Fit tea and like protein world. They're dishing out fucking thousands to these girls Jesus If you have a nice ass and you like post pics of it on Instagram, it's only a matter of time until fit tea or Protein world hits you up. Take a picture with this shaker. I don't even care if you use the protein

Just get that ass out Hold the shaker and Here's five thousand bucks I'm pretty sure that's what they're addition out to Like for posts. I read online that Kendall Jenner makes like $250,000 on Instagram post I

Think that's more money that I've made in my entire life and she posted an Instagram picture and they're like here's 250,000 That's nuts man, that's advertising. There's that's just oh, it's not her fault There's millions of people that follow her and like It's worth it. I guess but Jesus Christ that sucks Anyway, that's that's all I got guys honestly I'm sick. I can feel a feel a sore throat coming You know when you could kind of feel a sore throat like it's on its way Like the back of my I still have my tonsils

I wish I can get ripped out, but it's just like miserable to get ripped out But my tonsils are Enormous whenever I get a little bit of a sore throat I can't breathe or eat because they swell up. It looks like fucking balls in the back of my throat It's fucking disgusting And I could feel that happening already and I'm congested so I'm now I'm really not gonna be able to breathe Can't breathe through my mouth can't breathe through my nose What the fuck I'm dead guys. I'm dying. It was nice knowing you. This is the last fucking episode

Bullshit it's finally getting cold Anyway, there's gonna be a video tomorrow 9 p.m. Fuckin see you there. I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be about. I'm not sure but I Know there's gonna be one because I gotta do it Anyway, that's all thank you for listening Got a little serious on this episode wasn't too fucking Crazy, you know talked about like pursuing dreams and shit, you know switch it up make it crazy Anyway, that's all

Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time you motherfuckers