The Basement Yard - Important Conversations And Dildos

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

I really hate that I have to type things here. The title is my description of the podcast. Hi Mom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday, November 14th. As always, I am recording this out of Sanagato Studios, so go follow at Sanagato Studio on Twitter to find out everything that comes out of here. Guys, that's a new one, okay? That's a new little plug that I'm throwing in the beginning of everything. But yeah, I really, the Twitter account is pretty awesome to me. I really like to look at it and just stare at the feed and realize like this is cool. My friends are doing cool stuff and it's all different, but it's cool. Anyway, I've had quite the week. I, two days ago, I went on Saturday, I went to UFC 205 at Madsen Square Garden.

It was fucking crazy, man. It's really nuts. Just seeing, like I had never seen any UFC, MMA, any type of, I've never been to a boxing match. Never seen any of that, and it was pretty fucking insane to go to this thing and watch it. It was a historic moment in Madsen Square Garden. It's the first time that UFC's, you know, that has been brought to New York. But it was crazy, man. The tickets were wild. I got them for free, though. This company, the people were like, oh my god, you must have spent so much, YouTube really pays, well, I'm like, I didn't fucking buy these tickets at all. They, the face value of the ticket were, on the ticket, it says like $1,066,

but they were going on the aftermarket for like $5,000 or something like that. They were crazy. I was in the hundreds section. There's the floor, and then there's like the hundreds, and dude, I felt it was really close, and some guys came out like right underneath me. It was really sick. All the fighters that I wanted to win won, so I was kind of excited about that as well. But it was fucking crazy, man. This company that I work with, they have a partnership with MSG, and I asked them like a while ago, I'm like, yo, is there any shot that you could get tickets to UFC 205? No, and this was like months before, and they're like, I'm out of fucking battle. And I was like, all right. And then like a couple, like a week before, like yeah, we got them. I was like, oh.

So I just went with a bunch of people from this company. They're fucking awesome, and yeah, but does anyone know what Knob Creek is? The whiskey? So listen, right? So I go to this thing, and there's like a lounge, right? Where I'm assuming just a bunch of rich people hang out in Madison Square Garden. One of these like suites, and I'm in there. I'm in a fucking sweatshirt, and jeans, and shit. So I just walk in this place. There's a lot of people wearing suits, and I'm like, hey, what's up? I'm a dickhead. Shouldn't be in here. And but they're all really cool. But I walk in there, and

I think he's the CEO of this company that I'm talking about. He was like, we're gonna do a shot. And I'm like, okay. Like what am I gonna say? Oh, no, I'm not. My stomach's, you know, I didn't eat enough today, so I just can't. He was like, you know, I didn't say anything. I was like, yeah, let's do it. So the woman up there, it was like the bartender, she had like six different bottles lined up of what they had, and originally they were like, oh, let's do Patron. I was like, well, no. Dude, Patron literally tastes like rub, like rubbing alcohol. There's no taste to it. It all tastes the same to me.

There was Grey Goose, which if you take shots of that, you're a fucking psychopath or Russian. I know how they love their Volka. So I was like, I'm not fucking doing that. I was like, I can't do tequila. I really hate tequila. I don't know why. A lot of people love it. I just, I just can't do it. So I was like, hey, what about the Knob Creek, which is whiskey, because I drink whiskey. Like, that's my liquor of choice. I like whiskey. So I was like, let's do some Knob Creek. And I had had it once before, but it was in a mixed drink. So I was like, yeah, how bad could it be? Whiskey, it's all the same. It's fine. Dude, this stuff. My fucking face was numb. My face, my face was numb. So we did a shot of it. This lady's like, yeah, we'll pour a shot. And she thinks she's doing me a favor by pouring the biggest shot in the world.

I'm like, fuck. Gonna yak it. So she pours this big ass shot and I take it. And you know when you drink something really fucking quick and it hits the back of your throat and your whole life flashes before you rise? Like, You just start coughing and like you can't breathe. So that's what happened. And I got it down and I just start coughing. So I look like an asshole, right? These kids are like, oh, okay. Yes, guys, a fucking loser. So I'm coughing. I'm trying to speak. But every time I try, like, it was so weird, right? So I take the shot, hits the back of my throat. I start like choking. I get it down.

Now my esophagus is on fire. My stomach feels like there's like a, I don't even know, there's just lava in it. And every time I try to talk, the beginning of my sentence sounds fine, but then my voice just goes for some reason. It was the weirdest thing. I'm like, no, yeah, fine. Like, my voice would just disappear or just get really squeaky or whatever. And then we're just like, okay, that's fucking good. I drank beers the rest of the night. Actually, I did have another shot of Knob Creek and that went fine. Knob Creek is actually really good. And here's a promo code. If you want to buy Knob Creek, you can go to Knob Creek. I'm kidding. That would be dope, though. I haven't had any sponsors that were like, like alcohol or anything like that. That would be sick. Can you imagine? Go buy a bottle of Knob Creek promo code basement. I don't even know if fucking, I don't know. Fucking yeah, but it was fun, man. And I was crazy. I was planning on going home after the fight.

Like after the fight, I was like, you know, I'm just going to head home. I'm exhausted because the night before I was up late too, we were drinking, doing whatever the fuck we were doing. But then on my way home, my brother texts me and he says, my oldest brother, he's like, hey, why don't you come over to my apartment, Pete and Sean are here, which is our cousin, so I haven't seen in a while. So I went there to say hi, like on the way home. And then my brother was like, it's like three o'clock at this point. And I was like, yo, we're going to a bar. I was like, that's so dope, man. Just let me know how it is because I'm going straight home. He's like, no, you got to come. And then after two seconds of arguing, I realized there was no getting out of this. And he went to a bar. I got home at 430. I can't even remember opening the door and I wasn't even like drunk anymore. I was just so tired. And then, you know, my body's programmed to wake up at eight o'clock. So I got four hours of sleep.

Fucking, these aren't problems, by the way. I'm just being a bitch. Let me be a bitch. Can I? Thank you. Anyway, let's move on. What else we got over here? I wrote some shit down so I don't fucking fumble my words. Recently saw something online. I posted it on Twitter. It was like a screenshot of some newspaper or whatever. I don't know if it's real, but it looks just like it was a headline and I don't have like I don't have my phone on me right now, but the headline was something like woman takes picture of a duck and then realizes it's just a big black dildo. I'm like, two questions. First of all, how do you mix those up, right? Ducks don't look like dildos at all. Not even close. Actually, I got three questions. Second question is why the fuck is this like news? There's tons of shit going on in the world. Why is that news?

Big black dildos on the lawn. Lady takes a picture of it. Thought it was a duck. How did that even make it? What did she send that in? She sent it into the news. Like guys, you gotta run this story. This woman thought she took a picture of a duck. It was actually a rubber cock. Oh my God. I was like, what the hell is this? Who just leaves their dildos out in the lawn? Like, it's not a tennis ball. It's a dildo. What are you doing out on the lawn where you're dildo? How does that happen? I don't understand, man. I don't know. I don't have much experience with dildos. I don't know where you use them, where you don't use them. The only time, I haven't seen that many in my entire life, honestly, well, in person. I was shocked there. The first time that I saw a dildo in person, I found it by accident in some kid that I know, his mom's room in his house.

So it was traumatizing. It was weird. There was a pool party. I was in 8th grade. It was the last day of school and my friend was having a pool party at his house. So we go there and his mom has a balcony that looks over into the pool. So I'm like, oh, let's just go up there because it looks sick. Right? So I go up there and as I'm walking to the balcony, there's like clothes and stuff on the floor. I step on something and then I was like, wait, what the fuck's that noise? And you share like, and I'm like, is someone shaving? What's going? I was like, what the fuck is that? Because I didn't know what the, like, I wasn't really, you know, I didn't know what the fuck a dildo was in 7th grade. I thought people used dicks. I didn't know they used rubber things. I don't know. So I was like, what the fuck is that? And then I look and I pick up a shirt and there's just a vibrating dildo. Right? But it wasn't one that looked like a dick. It just looked like a, like what you put your toothbrush in when you're going on vacation. You know, those things that you've, you know, oh man, I was like, what is that? And it didn't register until like three days later. I was like, oh my God, she's six and her fucking vagina. And then it got weird. I haven't been back there, honestly. He's not one of my like really good friends. Like we hung out like periodically back in the day. But yeah, there was another time in Miami we went and we wanted to play a joke on Keith.

Like me and my friends, like every summer we try to go on like a trip together, like all of us. And this was the first time we were in Miami. And I forgot where Keith was. I think he was having lunch with a couple other people, a couple of other friends. So we wanted to play a prank on Keith like, yo, let's go into a dildo shop, buy a dildo, throw it in his bag. And then pretend we're looking for something and be like, whoa, what the fuck is this? Why is this in your bag? And just have him freak out and be like, let's stop mine. And just, you know, whatever. So we walk into this like sex shop and I was just so overwhelmed because my, I didn't know that there was so many different types of dildos. Like, I'm, I can't even, like you ever go into like a hipster bar, there's like 40 beers on tap, you're like, geez, this is so many. It was that times three. I'm looking around. It looked like a foot locker, but with dildos. I'm like, they're all over the walls. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Who picks it up and goes, I just don't, it's not heavy enough for this one doesn't have a suction cup or whatever. Like it's like, what the fuck, man? But the one we were going to buy, because it was the funniest thing, right? First of all, it was, it was just like this, the thickest black dildo you could see, right? And they all have names too, by the way. They're all named. None of, nothing goes unnamed in that place. I don't know the name of the store. It's in Miami. It was like right off Ocean Boulevard, but it was called the eight inch big boy with balls.

I think it was eight inch. It might have been bigger because I remember looking at it like no way, no way my dick looks like that thing. It was fucking crazy. Why balls, by the way? I don't really understand why dildos have balls. Does that play into, like, does that help? I don't know, man. I've never used one. I just don't understand what the balls are for. I don't really know. Does that add like pressure or leverage or like, you know, because I get the suction cup. You know, I get that. You know, it's like a, you know, you could fuck anywhere you want then and you don't have to do it. You don't have to reach back and, you know, jam it in there, whatever you have to do. This is getting graphic. You could just suction cup it on the fucking wall or like a window, stand on the couch and go to town, you know? Oh man, humans are so weird. So weird. But balls, I never understood balls. And the veins, I mean, I guess I get the veins and shit because they make dildos look like real dicks now. I'm waiting for the day that they make fucking. Oh, you know what? I just started the show on HBO. It's called Westworld. And I promise this is going to tie into the dildo thing I just said. But I just started watching the show. It's called Westworld on HBO. It's pretty good. So you can go watch that if you want, promo code basement to go watch it.

That's another lie. I'm not promoting that either. But you know, whatever, just type, type basement into any promo code thing and maybe it'll work. Who knows? Go to Target. I don't care. Anyway, the show Westworld, like basically you get to go into this place where you're like the Wild West and there's a bunch of like these robotic people that are so lifelike and you know, whatever and you get to kill people and rape people and you know, whatever and you can't die or get shot by them, whatever. But the whole point, the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I feel like that's the future. Like they're going to make these lifelike people who look real and will have sex with you because there's hookers. Hookers were just like super legal back then. They were everywhere. They were in the bank. They were in like the church. They were just like, you know, all over the street. Tell them everyone, yeah, you'll get a discount, whatever. Everyone had the same disease. No one gave a shit. But that's going to be the future. There's going to be these robots that you could just go and it's like having sex with an actual woman and you can't tell a difference and that'll be the end of that. No one even realized that they're jerking off anymore. It's like you are. That's a robot. So technically this is masturbation. I don't really know if that makes sense. Anyway, let's get to our sponsor before we move on. Today we have Seakeek. If you don't know what it is, it's an app you can download and it's, you know, to buy tickets to concerts, any event, really, sporting events, or whatever.

I love working with this company. You're going to hear, sorry, you're going to hear this company's name a lot, especially if you listen to veterans minimum and watch that YouTube channel. But they, I like working with them and they really hook you up and it's, you know, very convenient, honestly. You can go on the app and pick any type of show in your area, not in your area, whatever you want to do and see the open seats and they have like a chart that you can look at and see like, Is this a good price? Is this a bad price? Blah, blah, blah. And there's also pictures of what it looks like from your seat. So it's like, okay, you can tell if there's like an obstruction or whatever in front of you. But yeah, if you want to download Seakeek, use the promo code basement and you'll get a $20 rebate off your first purchase. Yeah, man, really like this company. Me and my friends were using it before they even reached out and sponsored this podcast, but it was cool. Anyway, moving on here, moving on along. I have to really do this quickly. I don't know how long this is going to be right now. We're at 16 minutes. I don't know how long it's going to be because I'm going to the Monday night game today. The Giants are playing the Bengals and I got tickets to that and me and my friend Franky are going. So yeah, that's why if we're Russian, that's why. Okay, Jesus, let me fix this fucking mic stand because it's all fucked.

So anyway, the election was this past Tuesday. I know everyone's been wanting to hear my thoughts or whatever on it. And yeah, I didn't post a video that day. I was planning on doing it the entire week. That's why I even posted my podcast on Facebook and I said new video tomorrow. And then Tuesday came and as I'm doing this video, I start texting my friends and my friends kind of ignored me. They were like, shut the fuck up. But I texted my family in our group chat and I was like, do you think I should put a video out today? And they were kind of like, you know, half and half on it. And I decided not to post it because I felt like, you know, no one needed like, I don't know, I just didn't want to try and be joking around or just, you know, whatever in a time that I felt was important. And if you listen back to an old podcast very recently, actually, I kind of talk about Trump and Hillary and about the election. And I'm not really sure what I said in it, but I do know that for so long, I thought that like I didn't really care about who was president or voting or anything like that. I wasn't into politics. I just, you know, and I'm still not, I wouldn't say I'm into politics yet, but my point of view has changed.

I would say drastically, very quickly over that amount of time, because I remember once I started getting close to the election, like close, like Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and the election was Tuesday. I really felt like, okay, this is important. You know what I mean? Like I can't be just super uninformed about this country. Of course, it'll affect me somehow, some way, maybe not in a drastic way, but it will eventually and maybe in a drastic way. I don't know. But I wanted to know and I really think that voting for who you think is the best candidate for president is important. And I think knowing about it is important. But yeah, a lot of people asked me who I voted for. I did vote, which was so weird. I felt like I was fucking up. I felt like everyone was watching me. Like it was so fucking weird. There was a school near my house that you have to go vote for and I went by myself and I walk in there and, you know, I was on like 10 different lines trying to find out whatever. And dude, I don't know who, like if everyone listening voted, if you look at the ballots, those things, there's a ton of writing on them and you only have to circle one fucking, you know, draw in this little circle.

I thought I was fucking up. I was like, I'm gonna fail this. Like I haven't taken a test in years, haven't been to school in years. So I was like, this is, oh God, I just felt pressure. But yeah, I got that done. Got my voting sticker because obviously I had to post that. That's a new thing. You got to post your voting sticker so people know that you voted. But a lot of people were asking me who I voted for and I don't say that. I don't think it's really anyone's business because there's no real reason why people ask that. So like they're just trying to get mad at you because even if we vote for the same, like let's say we voted for the same person. The conversation would stop there because a lot of people have asked me like personal friends. I'll tell my personal friends and my family members who I voted for and if it's the same person, then the conversation stops there. If it's a different person, there's just all this judgment and just miscommunication, I want to say. Just like assumptions about why I voted for something. It's like, what's dude? What do you mean? That's not... But this year, I decided, sorry, I just cleared my throat. My throat's itchy. But this year, I didn't say a word to anyone really. I told my oldest brother and that was it. Didn't tell any of my friends or anything like that. But I don't say who I vote for because I don't want to be... I don't want to influence anyone.

And especially now with... There's a lot of people who listen to the podcast or watch my videos or whatever. And I don't want to blindly influence someone into voting for someone who I think is the best candidate for president. I don't think that's the right way to go about it. I would never vote for whoever because fucking Brad Pitt was like, I'm voting for this guy. I don't give a fuck, dude. You have your own agenda and I have mine. That's why I don't say... Even after the election, I won't say who I voted for or anything like that. Because first of all, I just don't want to deal with people making assumptions about something or whatever. I haven't even talked about the election on Twitter or anything. Someone tweeted me and was like, well, I guess you voted for Trump because you haven't spoken about the election. I'm like, what the fuck kind of assumption is that? And then that was followed by three tweets about all types of shit. And I was just like, what is happening right now? But yeah, it's just crazy, man. That's why I don't say who I voted for. And I really don't recommend anyone telling people who they voted for unless... Because I don't really agree on trying to persuade people who to vote for. I will persuade people to vote. I want you to go out and vote.

I don't want you to vote for the same person I'm voting for just because I'm voting for them. That's not a good reason. Or he knows what he's talking about. I trust him. You should not vote for anyone just because of that. You should really do your research and find out. So I encourage people to vote. I don't really encourage people to vote for either side. That's why I cracked a couple of jokes about Trump and about Hillary on Twitter. It went back and forth. But I tried to stay away from it as much as possible because, again, I just really don't want to influence anyone to make a decision because this fucking idiot who got into politics four days before the election is voting for a certain person. I don't fucking listen to me. I'm completely unqualified. I will say that I would have been optimistic about anyone who would have won. Trump won the election as we all fucking know.

I just feel like I can't be anything except optimistic. I completely understand everyone protesting and being upset because a person they voted for didn't win. I prefer to just be optimistic because, again, I am not an expert on politics or Hillary or Trump's policies. I did my research and I figured out which person I thought was best fit to run the country and I voted for that person. But either way, it would have gone. I would have no choice to be optimistic because I'm not super into politics and not completely sure. But I feel like I needed my voice to be heard. So that's why I voted. I completely understand people protesting. I'm optimistic. We'll see what happens with the election.

I just beat around the bush and was kind of vague with that entire thing and everyone's like, just fucking tell us or just whatever. I don't know. I don't think it matters, honestly. It matters who wins, obviously, in certain aspects, but I don't think it matters who I voted for. Anyway, we will also move on. I recently got a really cool Instagram direct message from a kid. Don't remember his name, but it's in my phone and I still have it. I kept the message, but he messaged me because he said that he was very inspired by something I've said on a podcast or something like that.

And he has decided that he is going to be a, I want to say, director, something, some form of that, like a director or cinematographer or something like that. And that was just so fucking cool, man. I don't even realize that I could do something like that. You know what I mean? I mean, literally every time I do this, I just reiterate myself, but I really never thought, sorry, all I've ever wanted to do for so long is inspire people. But before you inspire people, you have to do the right thing. So I'm never really sure that I'm doing the right thing.

I try my hardest and I realize that, you know, we're all human. I can be very hypocritical or whatever. So I'm always trying to do the right things. But when you're inspiring people to, you know, chase a certain dreams or just like believe in themselves, that's like the greatest thing to me. I've always wanted to do that. And the fact that this person who I've never met before in my entire life, who lives probably fucking halfway around the world, is inspired by something that I said and is going to chase his dreams and go after it, that's fucking awesome. And I think that we as humans are, I mean, this is just a personal belief.

I don't really know, man. I think that everyone wants to help people and I think that you should help people in some way. I'm not saying you have to donate a bunch of money or help old ladies across the street because fuck old ladies, honestly. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh man, I've always wanted to do that though. I've never had the opportunity to help an old woman across the street. I've always wanted to do it because it's such like a cliche thing.

Oh man, it's as cliche as like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. You know what I mean? Like just something like that. I've always wanted to do that. I haven't had the opportunity. But I think that you should help people as much as you can. And I think that I got that from my father. Like my father, he would drop anything for anyone and go do it, you know?

And my mom would actually complain that he would do more for others than us. Like, can we fix the roof before you're going and building houses? You can't fix our fucking leaky faucet? But yeah, I think that everyone should go out and try to help people as much as possible. That's why, you know, it's all, you know, I joke around and shit and I curse and I make fun of people on the internet all the time. But it's not from a malicious place at all, obviously. And someone actually tweeted me. It was actually really funny.

It's like in your videos, it's like, oh, fuck these people from Walmart. And then it says in your podcast, follow your dreams. It's like complete opposite sides of the spectrum, these two things. But I think it's really important. Like the fact that I have this podcast, like I'm able to reach people and kind of like if I could just spark someone into doing something like this, I'm just all about that. It's my favorite thing ever, like hearing that people took a leap and just tried to do something because you may live in a place where a lot of people do that, where they all try and they're all doing cool stuff. Like I imagine kind of LA being that place where I hate that fucking town. But the cool part about it is that everyone there is trying to do something great, you know what I mean?

They're all pretentious pieces of shit. But they're all trying. Like they're all trying to be this, trying to be that. And maybe they move there from like the middle of the country and like they're chasing this dream. Like that part about it is cool. And I mean, I'm from a place where not a lot of people even try. They don't try to do anything special. They get a job that they think their parents would like them to have or that just gets them by and that's that.

And I'm not saying everyone has to chase like these crazy dreams, but I just think I just want people to reach their true potential and realize that they are capable of so much. You know, I'm a firm believer in that. And that anyone could really do anything. So a lot of people don't even have the reason why they don't is they don't have that mindset. They never were told that they could do that. And I kind of try to use this platform to preach that in a way and be like, yo, you really can like it's really fucking, you know, I don't want to say that it's easy. It's like, it's one of the hardest things in the world, but it's easy in the sense of you just have to do it every day. And that's it, you know.

So the fact that that kid messaged me was super cool. I mean, people messaged me all the time and they tell me stuff like that. Like, dude, you really put in perspective, blah, blah, blah. And like that's the greatest part about it. Like, and now that, you know, some people have felt that way, I feel like I have to keep reminding you that, you know, you shouldn't wake up and just forget. Like, you shouldn't care about something for a week and be like, oh, whatever. Fuck it, whatever. You should just continue to try and build these these these cool things, man.

But anyway, I have to wrap this up soon because I really got to go. But short episode this week. Sorry, everybody. But I'm going to have guests next week. I know, I know. Oh, he's alone again. Fuck this. I know, I get it.

But I'm going to have some people next week and we'll talk about some stuff. I am off to get hammered at a football game and yell at a bunch of people because that's what I do. I'm really the worst person to bring to sporting events, honestly, except hockey because it's too fast pace. Like, he's got, he's got, he shoots, he missed. Oh, he's got it. We still got to go shoot it. Like, I don't have time to yell baseball. I'm the worst, the worst person to bring to baseball.

I don't even like baseball like that. You know what I mean? But it's just so slow and there's so many breaks that you can talk shit. Football is, that's the, that's fucking, that's awful. I remember we went to a Jets Giants preseason game. And if you don't know what preseason is, it doesn't count, right? And the starters play like a one quarter or some, sometimes they play like three drives. That's it.

Dude, I was screaming that game like a bunch of my, my friends were all split like Jets and Giants fans. There's actually more Jets fans, I think. But, I mean, we didn't go this year, but we tried to go to the Jets Giants preseason game. And I remember one year we were going and I was fucking hammered. And I'm screaming the entire time. And the entire row in front of me is like these girls and like Eric, Eric Decker t-shirts. Like, yeah, Eric Decker, he's so hot. You can catch, he's a good quarterback.

And they kept looking at me like I was fucking crazy because I was, I was really drunk. And there was these guys behind us who were Jets fans and God bless them because they, they should have punched me in the face. Because anytime any giant made a play, I would turn around and be like, yeah. And they would just laugh instead of like kicking me in the teeth, which was nice. Thank God, you know, but I'm going to try and hold it together. Keep it together tonight because there's only two of us. It's just me and Frankie. And if some shit goes down, I don't like our odds, honestly.

Our seats are really good. Our seats are really good. I actually got the seats from the NFL. They gave us, they gave me tickets, which was really nice of them. God, I hope we win tonight. We need to. We're tied for last place in the division if we lose. I'm just going to go on a rant about the Giants.

I can't do that. All right, I'm going to get out of here and start drinking. Also, I've been vlogging a lot lately. So, you know, if, you know, I have this camera dedicated to vlogging. It's like handheld and I'm actually bringing it tonight and me and Frankie are going to be vlogging and shit during the car ride. But if you guys want, you can go subscribe to that. It's youtube.com slash extra Joe videos. And yeah, I just take that camera out periodically and it's like day to day operations and stuff like that.

I just posted about it on Facebook. So you might have seen that. But yeah, a lot of cool shit is filmed on there. I mean, if you're like, dude, I don't give a fuck what you do on a day. I totally understand. I totally understand. Like, dude, I don't give a fuck who you think you, I don't, I don't know who, why? All those words, you know, I don't know.

I just said a bunch of things. Anyway, I'm going to get the fuck out of here. As always, thanks for listening. Yeah, motherfuckers.