The Basement Yard - Lucky Charms Drives Me Insane

Episode Date: July 26, 2016

I'm all alone today to talk about the Bachelorette, Lucky Charms, & more Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to The Basement Yard. It is Monday, July 25th. I am by myself. I have no Guess I'm sorry. All right. Just this dickhead. You're gonna have to deal. I'm sorry. Okay before we start I just want to make you aware if you're not aware already. I am doing a live podcast So this the basement yard is going to be live It's gonna be a live show at a comedy club in Manhattan called Carolines So if you want to come it's on August 17th There was a show at 7 p.m. It's sold out. So we have another show at 9 30. I think yeah I believe it's 9 or 9 30 and yeah, you could come hang out

I'm gonna do the podcast on stage and then afterwards. I'll just like hang out and just get fucking drunk or some shit I don't know. It's a fucking Wednesday. So, you know, it's gonna be a disaster Everyone's gonna throw up the next day at work. Anyway, if you want to come you can go to carolines.com slash comedian slash joe dash Santagato, okay, carolines carolines Com slash comedian slash joe dash Santagato, okay

So if you want to get tickets to that Come hang out. Um, by the way, I had to look up Like dash like you know what a dash is obviously, you know what I mean and and I thought I knew and I wasn't sure so I googled dash to make sure that this thing was called a dash the little line I was like, let me just make sure I don't want to fuck this up. So I typed in dash I didn't know what like I don't know what I was expecting to find I just wrote dash into google and was you know I thought a picture of the dash would come up. How fucking dumb I was getting fucking

Uh kim kardashians stupid fucking store popping up like oh you want to go shopping at dash? No Just I'm a fucking idiot. I want to know if this thing's a dash or like a hyphen or some fucking. I don't know whatever But anyway, yeah, come to the show, you know come see how fat I got because that uh, that happened I haven't been to the gym in forever. I uh Was in phenomenal shape. It was really strong before I went to vegas. You all know this if you're You know a faithful listener, but uh, I uh went to vegas Destroyed my body lost six pounds drank barely eight. That was fun then

I can't I come home and I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna take the week off because like I need to just you know Eat a banana and like drink some fucking smoothies or something and get some energy in my body So then I was like, I'll just go next monday. I'll take a week off. Whatever then that sunday. I had a football game spray my ankle Now I'm all fucked up now. I can't go to the gym for weeks, right? And I think I've said this but whatever Then I uploaded

I uploaded a vlog recently on my vlog channel youtube.com slash extra joe videos Um, look at me just plugging away today piece of shit plugging away. Anyway Uh, so I put up a video recently where I was where I in the beginning of the video I'm like, oh today's the first day. I'm heading back to the gym And I went to the gym and I actually had a good workout and I haven't been back since You know why? Because I've been hurt or that's what I tell people. I'm fucking lazy and I can't get into a rhythm anymore I don't know what happened. So I am just gaining weight by the second. It's crazy now

I'm like, I think I'm 178 and I just put on six pounds of garbage because I've just been like Fuck it. You know what it is. You know what it is my stupid logic. I'm like, I lost six pounds Now I have just six pounds to play with like fucking I could just gain six I'll just eat whatever for six pounds until like whatever And I just need to figure it out before I I'm fucking 200 pounds and like, oh shit. Here we go But yeah, I just I just been eating like fucking gummy bears and just Lucky charms out of the box, which by the way is such a fucking overrated cereal

fuck Anyone who tells you Joe lucky charms my favorite cereal just piss on their face Because what a joke that cereal is like I don't even Because there's cereal like Like frost if like how adamant I am about cereal like I'm so fucking serious. I'm breaking this down. It's frosted flakes, right? It's a cool cereal. Whatever. It's a classic. You know what I mean? Whatever But it's not one of those like

fucking candy cereals Like captain crunch berry marshmallow dog shit, right? That's the kind of shit you eat where you're like, I don't care about my body I just wanted to taste good in the morning and I know it's not good for me But I just want it frosted flakes is kind of like a basic version of that. It's not quite shit It's like on its way to shit Which is I don't I don't know what we classify as that but it's not shit yet It's on its way to shit and lucky charms. The reason why they piss me off is because they advertise like they are a shit cereal

But they're a basic fucking cereal Okay, just because you have fucking 14 marshmallows in each bowl doesn't make you a shit cereal. Don't try to be a shit cereal Okay, because if I want cookie crisp or fucking cocoa puffs With marshmallow. I went to the supermarket the other day. They're just pouring marshmallows into random fucking cereal Like it doesn't even like I literally saw Fuck it. What's that's what oh cheer. Yeah cheerios dick. I can't remember cheerios the most classic cereal ever

Cheerios with fucking marshmallows in them I'm like, what the fuck is they're just ruining but whatever. I'm just you see how upset I am about cereal. I have no life. Anyway What the fuck was I talking about? Lucky charms bullshit. By the way, anyone who reaches into the bag Of lucky charms and just pulls out Like 14 marshmallows. What a fucking piece of shit you are You Nazi bastard Dude, that is like sabotaging that I can't even explain

I can't that's like cutting the brakes on someone's car. You're gonna take the marshmallows out of the box Are you fucking kidding me? I'm fired up right now. It's hot in here. I'm just like I'm just in a bad mood or whatever But um, yeah, man. It's fucking lucky charms This fucking lucky charms Is like, yeah, you have two fucking spoonfuls The marshmallows are gone. Now you got this soggy cardboard that they covered in powdered sugar floating around and one percent milk

delicious No Fucking sucks Lucky charms is dog shit. Okay. Anyone who likes that is an asshole I'm sorry if someone uh, if the the CEO of lucky charms is listening Actually, if you are listening dude, either put more fucking marshmallows in your cereal or just take them out Don't advertise as a shit cereal. Anyway Sorry

So in addition uh to be to being um to eating like shit, I've also been drinking a lot lately Uh, I don't know. It's like I'm at this point in my life where Whenever there's hot like it's hot weather. I'm like, oh, this would be a great day To just sit outside You know tan and like have a beer whatever But when it's when it's the summer, it's consistently nice every day So every day I get up and I'm like, hmm This would be a good day to sit outside and drink fucking 14. And that's what I do

I just sit outside And drink uh beers not all the time. I I'm making it sound worse than it is Just to be funny But it's definitely like more than any person should like I'm definitely out there Like I think I've drank four days in a row today I didn't and I think I'm done like I think I'm over it like I think like I looked at my body the other day And I was kind of like dude like I don't have an awful body But I definitely I'm on the cusp, you know what I mean? I am lucky charms of cereal like my body is lucky charms

That's what it is. It's like You're you're kind of on the fence. You have some marshmallows. You have some of this dog shit stuff You know this cardboard. It's kind of like that, but I'm just getting worse. It's it's bad. So I need to figure it out. I really need to get back to the gym I just gotta get inspired and I'm only gonna get Inspired when someone goes wow, you look fucking terrible and don't take that as a fucking Like I know someone's gonna tweet me like oh, you look like shit. Dude trying to inspire you. No, I'm not don't fucking do that Okay, I'll cry at night

But yeah, I think already had that moment where I saw myself. I'm like, okay, we'll we'll fix this down We'll fix it. Um Yeah, not only beers though. Yesterday. I was drinking a pina coladas Which I don't know why I just like I was sitting out there and I'm like, you know what? I asked my my I forgot who was it. I think it was oh my friend espoe and oh no I was actually my brother Keith. I was like Keith. You want to drink pina colada today? And he's like, yeah I was like, all right So we we got pina colada mix and uh rum

And yeah, as you just fucking mix that up in a blender, dude the pina colada mix literally Because how you make it is like they have this mix that's just literally Hot sugar liquid sugar I like I'm afraid like I've never drank it by itself because I'm afraid what would happen to my body I'm pretty sure it would just shut down. I don't have a seizure or something, but I uh, they have this mix and you put the rum in the blender Then you just put the mix in and ice and you blend it and you're good

But dude this this mix literally looks like Giz like it just looks like giz. It looks like you're just pouring a bottle of giz Into your blender and then blending giz And you know what? I could throw up right now just thinking like I'm so glad I didn't have that thought while I was drinking them Because they are delicious if you never had a pina colada Just because you've never had one or you're like too tough for one. I don't know I'm not freaking like fucking Gay shit like if you're one of those dudes who are just like super homophobic about it like

Dude, it's a pina colada. It's fucking delicious. You know what I mean? Like I'm not too tough for any drink I'll drink anything. I don't care as alcohol in it. Dude, send it send it my way. I don't give a fuck Uh, but yeah, it's fucking it's very gizzy looking and that's disgusting. Like I don't care Like just don't think about that. I'm sorry. I just ruined a pina coladas for everyone, but anyway, uh before on twitter someone tweeted me and they were like when's the podcast coming out And uh, I was like, do you yeah, it's coming out at like 9 9 30, which I hope it is it's like 8 45 right now But um, I was like, do you want anything you want me to talk about and then someone mentioned Talk about the bachelorette

And wow, I'm glad you brought that fucking dumb show up I got a lot to say there, buddy. Literally one of the worst shows Uh like ever like I can't even the whole idea is ridiculous And stupid like let's be honest here. Okay Let's do the ones with the chicks. Okay, because we have one dude Who's like psyched to be there. He's like, oh, yeah, I gotta make out like 400 chicks right now

He's standing there in a fucking dumb tux every week, right? He's standing there and then 30 girls Just come walking out of random fucking limos And just are in this house one fucking guy and for and You know a fucking miracle happens and they're all Immediately attracted to this guy It's just a random fucking guy, right? They're all attracted to him. He hasn't even said a word yet He could have a voice like mickey mouse. They're already fucking in love with him, right?

How ridiculous so they're all fucking standing there and then they're all supposed to go on dates with him And they all start fighting like every season. I mean, I haven't watched it. I honestly have never watched an episode I just know the whole thing, but I'm just assuming I've seen that commercials. Anyway back to yelling So they all just fucking every every year they have like Someone's fighting in the house like and all these girls are crying like he said that he loved me And then I don't He's on a date with jessica right now And I don't really know how that's gonna affect us because I haven't had a long time with are you fucking kidding me

What did you expect? What honestly, what did you expect? What I don't understand you and 30 girls 30 single girls Came to this house And we're like, oh, I'm gonna get that guy and I'm attracted to him even though he's taking all of these girls out on dates and Making out with them all probably

Finger banging them all When the fuck when we cut to commercial when they cut to commercial someone's getting fingered on that show. Let's be honest, okay? Don't bullshit me People are getting fingered in that mansion. Okay What a dumb show. Yeah, I'm I'm here because I'm looking for love or you're looking for fucking airtime. Let's be honest Yeah, I'm in love with this guy. Dude. How can you be in love with a guy that you just fucking met? Right I don't care who he is the coolest guy on earth. It doesn't matter

How can you be in love with a guy that you just met who is like blatantly Dating a ton of girls in front of you and making out with them in front of you And correct me if I'm wrong not that you can correct me because I'm alone over here, but This guy takes out two or three girls at a time sometimes they go fucking ziplining and New Zealand or some shit And then he just like makes out with one of them On a hill the other two are back at the picnic blanket like what the fuck kind of show Is this and they're giving out roses like i'm sorry. This is a tough decision I uh

Here you go. Jessica. Here's your rose and then fucking rachel's over there crying They gotta kick her out of the fucking house She's walking out of the walking out of the mansion in her fucking dress Gets in the limo. She's a mess And then two days later. She's totally fine. You know why? Because fucking good morning america wants to interview her and she just totally forgot about that do it already This is what I wanted. Thank you for the interview. Hello Show is so dumb. You know it's another dumb show. It's a show. I actually I don't know why I like it, but I kind of like it

It's dumb though. So it's called. Are you the one? And I don't know if you've been like watching it or whatever, but basically they put a bunch of fucking idiots in a house Basically they put a bunch of Bunch of people in a house So they all put them in this house and they have to met they have to make a perfect match or some shit like They're quote-unquote soulmate is in this house. Bullshit, by the way I'm assuming They had everyone on the show

fill out fucking dumb Like a questionnaire and was like what's your favorite food? Oh, what's your favorite color? And then the ones that matched up that's your soulmate quote-unquote and you have to match up with that person And then you know everyone wins like a million dollars or something before I get into that whole thing because it's I'm just gonna rant about that forever. Let's just go to the sponsor real quick This week we have me undies, which I'm wearing right now. I'm not lying. I actually am. Okay. Listen. Hold on I'll snap the thing for you ready

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get the subscription Or a single pair Get 20 off your first order when you go to me undies.com slash basement That's me undies.com slash basement for 20 off your order me undies.com slash basement Okay And now back to this dumb fucking show. All right

So here's the deal. So like I said, you feel out of questionnaire What's your favorite food pizza? What's your favorite color fucking blue? And what kind of girl do you like a sweet one with kind eyes? Okay, this guy fucking said that you guys are fucking soulmates Show is based off of you know, the dumbest thing ever. But anyway So you have to match up with your You know quote unquote soulmate and then if everyone matches with their soulmate eventually at the end of how many weeks I don't know then everyone wins like a bunch of money or some shit

But the show is ridiculous because they clearly pick nutjobs on the show. There was one fucking dude They were in the house for two weeks And he's sitting there and he like found his perfect match. He's like, you know, I love her. I don't know like he's crazy dog like Sometimes i'm just like looking at it. I'm like, oh Damn, yo, she the one up. I'm like, what the fuck this guy's in love with this girl. It's been two weeks. He's like, you know Shit and he starts pointing at his ring finger. I'm like, what the fuck and then the girl's all psyched. She's like, I've never met a man who

Treats me the way that Fucking James does because it's crazy. Like, you know, I'm from fucking middle of nowhere fucking Idaho And we don't have guys like this, you know, all the guys that live near me or if I get in there and I burn under you know and she's fucking whispering into Or the fucking her housemates like

James said he's gonna have a fucking purpose literally they talked about getting married two weeks Two fucking weeks in this house And they're talking about we're gonna get like after the show like even if we're not like matched up so mates We're gonna get fucking hitched God I want to punch them both right in the trachea Collapse it and then they suffocate and die Very graphic. I'm sorry, but that's but seriously it's like ridiculous. That's like in third grade

when Like You had a crush On the fucking girl who was good at kickball You you were like, oh, she's good. Oh And she's like smart and funny She told a joke she can read good When the teacher calls on and you just fall in love with her after like two fucking days

That was exactly what this was like. It was fucking absurd I'm just watching this guy Fucking play with the brim of his hat. You know when dude, you know dudes who wear hats who get like really fucking nervous Or like uncomfortable and they just start like Switching the position of their hat every two seconds. Yeah, you know, it's like It's crazy, man. Like I never thought I would met her. I've never thought I would have met her You know what I mean? Like it's crazy. You just gotta you just gotta roll with the punches You know I'm saying like I'm just playing the cards. I was dealt and shit. You know what I mean?

No, I have no fucking idea And sure enough I was right like fucking two episodes later. They're all fucking Yo, I just need my space dog like Why you gotta he's Jesus fucking he doesn't realize that we're supposed to be together And just Makes me sick Part of me knows that if I was ever on that show that would be me You know what I mean? I'd be like, I think I love him

If you're talking to I'd be in the fucking that you know, they put people in a closet and you gotta talk to some fucking camera Like with tears in your eyes and back, you know, I just I didn't know what this was gonna happen and That would be me 100% Oh, fuck, man. I hope I would never be on a reality tv show. I'm a disaster. You know what I mean? I I uh I'm a crazy hypocrite that happened to me the other day on twitter someone. I forgot what I said Oh, there's these fucking channels on youtube That just like are dedicated To reacting to other youtube videos

How fucking ridiculous does that sound? Okay? Like picture this, okay Two people I don't I don't know the name of it, but okay. Anyway, so there's two people Stand sitting there with a laptop in front of them And then they go today. We're gonna react to fucking Just santa gata's fucking video. All right. It's gonna be sacked it and then they fucking hit play and then the video

pops up on the screen And as the video plays They're like, you know, it pops up on the screen like a little corner, right like a little square So it's like in the corner and so you can still see them with their laptops watching this thing in real time And they're just going. Oh, what the fuck is he talking about dude? This is fucking sick or it's fucking weird kind of too, dude What the fuck dude? What do you say? Oh my god, that's weird. All right. Yeah, just keep watching. All right This is what dude. This is fucking crazy, man All right, all right the video's over you saw it man

You asked me to react to this fucking video and I fucking did it And uh, it was sort of sick at parts and other parts. It wasn't so sick, you know It was a little healthy at parts sometimes some some were sick somewhere healthy And you know, whatever did uh Subscribe next week and uh, we'll see you there. All right peace subscribe. Love you What That's the whole video them sitting there

and just Watching a video Hundreds of thousands of views. I was fucking blown away I don't really watch youtube that often because Of shit like that when I see it I get frustrated and I just want to like slam my head through a fucking wall, but When I saw that I was like, yo, this is insane. So I tweeted out uh YouTube channels dedicated to reacting to other youtube videos

Wow, I'm entertained and some people fucking lost their minds. Uh, you're a fucking hater Yeah, I'm yes. Yes. I am. I'm a hater. I hate it Yes, I am a hater That is fucking dumb I don't like I came in understand like you're oh god. These people are getting paid to watch youtube videos There's nothing creative going into it and then someone else was like you do the same Fucking thing Wrong

No, I don't Because I don't take I don't use other people's likeness to fucking Profit off of whatever because what these people do is they react to videos that were made by these popular youtubers or whatever Put their names in the link their picture in the thumbnail So the people who are a fan of these people will click it Oh, I like fucking Jimmy shoes. I don't know where that name came from jimmy shoes

I like jimmy shoes That's his picture. I'm gonna click on this And then you see these people watching a video that you already watched. It's fucking insane It's literally they're robbing people It's wild and it drives me fucking crazy So some girl was like you're a fucking hater. I was like, yes, I am and I'm also a hypocrite And I wasn't kidding people thought I was being sarcastic, but I'm not I am a hypocrite, of course Of course, I am everyone's a hypocrite. We are humans

I will say something today and tomorrow I could change my mind Completely I get inspired or just get educated on something and I go, uh, you're right I don't fucking feel that way anymore that I felt yesterday And then people would be like but you said in fucking that's another thing. I don't understand when when people Fucking hold like celebrities or athletes or whoever To some crazy high standard. We're like Like I don't even know you're I I tweet something like oh man. I hate

Fucking lucky charms, right? One of these fucking little trolls Who is clearly Fucking taking a break from language arts homework, right? They're not doing their book report because they're on fucking twitter stalking Justin Bieber tweeting them telling them the Fucking jizz on their feet and shit They go back and they're like, oh, you don't like lucky charms. Well, in fucking 2011 you tweeted that you loved lucky charms

Are you kidding me? Dude, seriously, how many times does that happen where they go back and like celebrities tweets like oh fucking 2002 before twitter was invented you fucking Carved this into a tree. I found a picture of the tree and what the fuck does this mean man? And then you have to apologize for something that you said seven years ago Like what the fuck? That's so dumb

Dude, I swear to god. It's it's it's complete insanity I don't know man I always yell about dumb shit. It's like of course i'm a hypocrite all I do all the time You know in videos or on podcasts is just talking about how stupid some shit is and like Of course, I do Like probably most of it probably most of it. I have done or I do Currently, but I realize how dumb it is. I can do dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit, but I could still call it dumb

That's fucking dumb man. What the fuck? Dude the vlog videos right that whole youtube channel that I have youtube.com slash extra joe videos there I go plugging again that whole Fucking channel is dumb The the concept is dumb to me like it isn't isn't you know what I mean because I try to be entertaining and I try to

I don't know how to explain this but I try to instill a mentality into people Of that, you know of things that are ridiculous and or whatever With those videos, but it's still dumb like it's just me you know recording my day-to-day life Like people give a fuck and I realize that there are people who might give a fuck But the fact that you give a fuck is also kind of it weird, right? Let's be honest

Let's just think about it It's a little weird and it can be entertaining. There are people that I wish Like I was a fan of like the people that I Am a fan of that I wish I could watch something like that of them But to other people it's like that's fucking completely weird and dumb So it's like I get both sides of it. I get how people can think it's so super dumb and how some people are like, oh, this is cool, but

You know, I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh, I'm doing this because it's I I'm fucking I'm great I'm entertaining people should want to watch this Like that's not my intent. That's not my fucking Uh mentality at all like I do this for you. That's another thing that's so fucking weird with youtubers They act like fucking heroes. It's fucking weird, man. They're like, I do this for you What do you mean?

No You do this because it pays your bills, dude Like there's no creative process behind any of it Like I do this for you What do you go grocery shopping for me? I'm not getting where the fuck are my bananas, dude What do you mean you're doing this for me? Like, you know what I mean? It just makes the fucking sense Oh my god, I'm rambling. I don't know where the fuck I'm going from here. Here we go. Ahmed's texting me. What is this kid saying now? Here we go. Oh, no, it's the group chat. Dude, my group chat 15 people in this group chat now

Oh, no, he did text me on the side. He said hi Hello, Ahmed Oh Jesus christ, yo, it's hot as hell in here. I have it. I have an ac in this place in the studio But it's in the living room And I guess I should get one for the studio because it's fucking Hot it gets hot in here quick You shut the door it becomes an oven it like seals shut and we all sweat is sweat like in here It's ridiculous. Anyway, um

That is all that's all that's all I'm gonna do this week guys No guests. It's hard for me to talk to myself for an extended period of time. Jesus. Look at me. I'm breaking everything over here um anyway If you like the podcast You're in the new york area and you want to come to a live podcast then um refer back to the beginning of this and Come hang out at carolines and buy a ticket to the show

It would be dope if you guys came. Um gonna have a new video out tomorrow. What else can I tell you about man? I don't fucking know. I'm just kind of hanging out at this point um I fucking all ended whatever uh, that is all guys. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. Um I mean, I love it when people are tweeting me and they tell me how much they enjoy the podcast and like I listen to it on my way to work and all the stuff like that. I really appreciate that that is awesome Uh, yeah, that's all I've extended this long enough. Okay All right

As always thanks for listening. Yeah, motherfuckers