The Basement Yard - My Brother Farted In Church

Episode Date: December 23, 2015

In this episode, I talk about Steve Harvey messin' up the Miss Universe beauty pageant, secret santa, and the church stories. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Basement Yard, it is Tuesday December 22nd, I am a day late, I know, fucking relax, okay? I was getting a bunch of tweets like, oh my god, where's the pocket, what the fuck? Like it's their paycheck, like relax, you'll be fine, alright, you'll be fine. It's one day late, it's not your medicine, you're not gonna die if you don't get it, but I'm a day late because, uh, I had shit to do yesterday, uh, but that's a shit excuse, I just totally forgot about it, honestly, I even planned to do it, I was like, okay, I'll do this here, and then I'll record it in the morning, and then get it out, and I didn't do any of that shit, but, um, it's because yesterday I had a secret Santa party at my house, and I had to, I was running around all day, like, buying a bunch of, like, alcohol and food to stuff to cook, um, so I couldn't do it, I just totally forgot, like, my group of friends, I've known them since I was in, like, third grade, it's like 15 of us,

we've all hung out every single day of our lives since then, and this is the first year ever that we did a secret Santa, uh, but it was, it was successful, and it was hilarious, but my friend Frankie, my friend Frankie had my friend Dylan, my friend Dylan's like a huge Rangers fan, huge Rangers fan, and he's always tweeting during the games, like, if they're doing bad, he's like, oh, this team's always fucking me, or if they're doing good, he's like, oh, Rick Nash deserves a hand job, so my friend Frankie got, uh, Dylan, so he bought him a black dildo with a suction cup at the end, by the way, this thing has balls, why dildos have balls is beyond me, that is, I can't, that's the most unnecessary thing in the world, you know, why are you having balls, you don't need balls, anyway, so things got balls,

and it's probably like an extra five bucks he paid for the balls anyway, so you can suction cup it to the wall, and what he did is he, he printed out pictures of the entire Rangers lineup, and he put a piece of Velcro on the back of this dildo, so that you could Velcro pictures of whoever's there, so he's like, so, as Dylan's opening the gift, he goes, yo, so, if whatever player fucks up, misses an open net goal, or whatever, gives up a goal, then you could put their face on the dildo, and they could fuck you, because they're always fucking you,

that's the gift that he gave Dylan, my mom was standing right there, so was my sister, there was a black dildo in my house, so that's what happened, these are the kind of people that I'm friends with guys, this is, this is why I am the way I am, you wonder why, and it's because of shit like that, that's Frankie, so our friend got a dildo for Christmas, we were saying like, he was, before Dylan left the house, he's like, I don't know if I should go home and hide this gift, or if I should tell everyone in the house, because if I tell everyone that it's fine, but if they just find it, then they're like, dude, what's going on?

like, is there, do we need to have it, like, is there something you need to tell us? but yeah, that's his problem, that's not my fucking problem, anyway, I don't know when it was, but two days ago, I couldn't wait, as soon as I saw this shit happen, I was like, oh, I can't wait to talk about this on the podcast, the fucking Miss Universe contest with Steve Harvey, he fucked everything up, oh my god, he fucked it all the way up, I was, I didn't see it live, but I looked back on the video, oh my god, I mean, I'm sure you guys know about it, but for those of you who don't know, the Miss Universe contest, right, there's always a first runner up, second runner up, so he announces the first runner up, and

then the first runner up is second place, you know what I mean, they're not the winner, but Steve Harvey announced it, like, oh, Columbia is the winner, he thought Columbia won, so they give this girl the tiara, the sash, the fucking flowers, and she's over there doing her little weird wave, like, you know, they make their hand like a cup, like they're drinking water, and then you start waving like that, like, who the fuck's teaching people to wave like that, by the way, but yeah, they're all waving there, like, their hand's a cup, they're all, she's waving, she's doing her little walk, and then Steve Harvey goes, they like show him, and his eyes are all, like, fucking bugged out, and he's like, I'm sorry, folks, but Philippines won, and then she's,

and she's confused as hell, she's like, what, did I, I don't, and then all the other one's like, go, you won, go, go, and I was like, what the fuck is going on, so now both these chicks are on our center stage at the Miss Universe contest, one of them who's wearing the tiara that they give Miss Universe isn't the winner, and she's not taking it off, she's just kind of just chilling, and now they're both just chilling on stage, looking at each other, and looking around, like, what the fuck's going on, Steve Harvey's over there, in his big ass suit, he's like crying, he's like, I don't, I'm sorry, I feel bad, but it's still a great night, he actually said that, he's like, I'm so sorry, but it's still a great night, it's like, yo, you don't lie,

that shit was fucking amazing, this, this poor girl from Columbia trained her whole life, trained, I don't even know, how do you train for a beauty pageant, I'm gonna sound really fucking ignorant right now, because I don't know anything, the only thing I know is from Miss Congeniality, phenomenal film, but how do you train for that, you just get hot, and you work out, and then someone, and you give like really vague answers when they, when they ask you questions, she's like, what's your favorite color, oh, I, world peace and hunger, no one should be hungry, and everyone's like, oh my god, she's amazing, and then she, what she like, flips batons, or whatever she does, I don't know, everyone's got like a secret, something like,

some chicks an opera singer, and like, she's the winner, I don't know, I really don't know how you train for a beauty pageant, I don't know, I know that it's Miss Universe, so it's like, pretty important in that, in that world, what a fucking letdown, I can't even, how embarrassing is that, you got the tiara on your head, and they give you like a bouquet of flowers, and you're over there, and everyone's like, just kidding, not you, it's the other girl, Philippines, oh my god, it was amazing, oh, I'm surprised they still call it a fucking beauty pageant in this PC world, it's all beauties in the eye of the beholder, it's a personality pageant, or some shit, I don't know, does that even make sense, I don't even know, fucking, it's so dumb, I, I don't even

get beauty pageants, I think those shows were like, the girls who are like, seven are in beauty pageants, I think it's sick, and not sick like, oh dude, sick, I like sick like gross, it's like, what the fuck are you doing to these little girls, give them a doll, or fucking, I don't even know, let them have friends, don't fucking strap like wings on their back, and cover them in makeup, and go out on this stage, and you know, I don't know, it's so dumb, get a talent, we need to learn how to dance, those dance moms, oh god, it's sickening, my daughter, they all got those short haircuts, and sunglasses indoor, like sunglasses, but they never wear, you know those moms, that always like, they're like the dance moms, they got short haircuts, and sunglasses,

but they never wear the sunglasses, they're always just like, on the top of their head, or even worse, turned around, dude, people who wear sunglasses, like backwards, are pieces of shit, like let's be like, I don't know anyone who wears their sunglasses backwards, and I'm like, oh, that's a totally fine person, it's totally cool, they're always just like, oh, he's garbage, and they're like a dance mom, and they like, force their kid to fucking, tap dance, Jack, Jack, I meant to say Jane, oh god, but it's terrible, I would never do that to my daughter, hey, how do you even get into that, I don't understand, man, it's so dumb, dance moms is insane though, they got that one teacher, she's always screaming at one of the parents, because

one of the parents is upset that her kid's not front and center, she's like in the back, because she sucks, she's like, oh, your child can't spin, so she's in the back, we gotta hide her, the mom gets upset, turns her sunglasses around, and then it's on, she starts fucking flipping out, I've never seen one episode of the show, this is all assumptions, but I think I'm right, I've seen the commercials, you know, it's just shit TV, it's garbage, that's all it is, and this is garbage, what is this shit, what, oh my god, they're really, dude, I know I talk about this on almost every single podcast, but these YouTube pranks are really getting fucking out of control, or just like, it's, I don't even know if it's a social experiment, it's a fucking stupid

video, that's all I know, this one literally, like how you're running out of ideas, this one is picking up girls while wearing crocs, ooh, that's awesome, that's so sick, I'm gonna read the suggested videos too, pick up sexy girls at the beach, how to pick up hot bikini girls, dude, what kind, what language is that, picking up girls using magic pants prank, what the fuck, oh my god, ah, how to pick up college girls, come on man, these are all dog shit, and they all have thousands of fucking views, pick up sexy girls at the beach, how to pick up hot bikini girls, hot bikini girls, what the fuck, that sounds like a porn advertisement, click here for hot bikini girls in your area, I swear they're bikini girls, it's so dumb, this one is picking up girls while wearing crocs,

what does that mean, why is that a huge, like that's a huge, it's not like a huge disadvantage, it's fucking crocs, relax, so dumb, I hate that people are so easily entertained by this shit, oh and um, there's this big youtuber, his name is foosytube, and apparently this kid's making fake pranks too, which I could have guessed, I mean, I used to talk to this kid a while ago, before he like blew up, like he gets millions on every single fucking video now, but before he did that, like he was like, he was, he had more subscribers than I did, and he was like doing really well, and we were talking about doing a video together, but then I was just like, I don't like this idea, and like it just didn't, we both didn't really like the idea, but um, then he started

doing these prank videos, and now every single fucking video is a prank or a social experiment, which is fine, you know, he's a nice kid, but uh, you know, I mean it's not my cup of fucking tea, but apparently he's been hiring actors for these pranks also, which just goes to show, uh, no fucking kidding, uh, I wasn't wrong, all these pranks are fake, are fake, thank, all the pranks are fake, no, but all the pranks are fake, come on, of course they are, it's so, it's, none of these like, actors are like good either, because what these people do, these youtubers, what they do is they put out a craigslist ad to be in a video, but they don't tell them what the video's about, and um, then they film it, so it's like this guy's not like a

professional actor, he's just some fucking guy who moved to LA, and was like, I'm gonna fucking make it, and then he got like an audition for like a fucking toothpaste commercial, and now he tells everyone he's an actor, you know, dude, and I, oh, just side topic, I've been to LA like five times, I fucking hate it for that reason, everyone has been in like the background of a movie, and they were on set, and like Kevin Hart was uh, the main actor, they didn't talk to him, they didn't get within 40 feet of him, but then they, they just like, oh yeah, I was in a movie with Kevin Hart, it's not, yeah, it's totally rad, it's totally not a big fucking deal, and they got fucking their circle frame sunglasses, and those big fucking hats, look like the, the old

women at the Kentucky Derby, like everyone in LA looks like that, I swear to god, it's like a stereotype that they all fill, fulfill, it's out of control, but the, everyone thinks they're an actor, or uh, I don't know, I don't, just like all these weird, I'm in entertainment, uh, how are you in entertainment? Dude, an Uber driver, an Uber driver was telling me she owned a production company, and she shoots movies with all these people, I'm like, I don't fucking believe you at all, like this is obviously fabricated, but anyway, off topic, so what these YouTubers do is they hire these actors, who are just regular people, so like, they get stupid reactions, they're not even like, good reactions where you'd be like, oh maybe this, this looks really real, it's always like

some guy like, dude what, I don't need your fucking money bro, uh, fuck you dude, like, he made a, he made a, a video, this kid from YouTube, he made a video where he was acting as a homeless person, and people were walking by, and one dude was like, I don't need your fucking money bro, because he was giving money to people, he's like, I'm homeless, but here's a dollar, and he was giving it out, and he wanted to see people's reactions to that, and some dudes like, I don't need your fucking money bro, you think I need money, look at my watch, I'm like, come on man, uh, who does that, like, I would say 98% of people would be like, oh no, you take it, or, or they would just take it and say something nice, no one, like, there's 2% of people in the world that would

go, fuck you bro, I don't need that shit, fuck you, you're homeless, and you think this kid found them, but come on man, that's fucking bullshit, um, so yeah, I mean the only thing that's cornier than that, because what they're doing is like, you're not spreading a message, you're just kind of like wanting to take money from people, like, oh watch my video, let me make money, and you believe it's real, like, they're just like tricking people, right, so the only thing worse than that is the videos that other youtubers make, where they find these fucking actors that are in the video, and they have like a sit down, like they're on the fucking Oprah show, like, so tell me, uh, what happened in the process of, uh, how'd you get into this guy's video, this guy's like, well,

you know, I needed money, he said he was gonna give me 50 bucks, so I was like, yeah, fuck it, I'll go, uh, I showed up, I said what's up to him, he said, uh, I'm gonna come up to you, and you just, you know, pretend like you're scared and shit, so he walked up to me, and I got, I freaked out, I was fucking scared, and uh, he gave me 50 bucks, and that was it, but I never knew it was gonna be like a social experiment or nothing, bro, I just, I just thought like, it was cool, it was for a movie or so, like, some short or some sketch or whatever, bro, I didn't know it was gonna be like, on a fucking, I didn't know it was gonna be portrayed in that way, I thought it was just gonna be sick, you know, and like, they have like a sit-down, like, they're on the Oprah show,

and like, some YouTubers like, yeah, I know, I understand, like, whatever, like, who gives a fuck, man, I don't care about the actors, obviously it's all fake, who cares? Why are you gonna make that video? It's dumb, you're, they're essentially doing exactly what the YouTubers who hire these actors are doing, the YouTubers are hiring the actors, making these videos for easy views, because they know prank's work, as long as you put some like, crazy attention-grabbing title in all caps, and I said this too, like, if a video, if a YouTube video's in all caps, it's probably fake and fucking awful, so just don't watch it, but that's what they do, they have these attention-grabbing, whatever, and then these YouTubers, what they're doing is in

their videos, they're doing the same shit, uh, FoozieTube exposed, using actors, like, dude, you're doing the same shit that they're doing, you know what I mean, you're like trying to come up off someone else's name, it's just a whole, YouTube is just a whole, a black hole of fucking, I don't, like, I don't know the word, I can't, I say dog shit way too much, like, rat shit, I don't know, but that's what they're doing, but those sit-downs are so dumb, and the people are so, like, oblivious, like, how do you not ask questions, like, oh, what is this for, when does it come out, what is it, they're all just like, oh no, dude, uh, totally fine, I'll just, what do you need me to do, you need me to punch you in the fucking face, bro, I'll do it, bro, I have,

I pack a mean punch, dude, so come on, bro, pranks were funny when they were pranks, you know, when you get honest reactions, like, that prank that that guy did of, uh, he put, like, that spider suit on his dog, and just had it ran out, dude, that's terrifying, if that happened to me, I would have shit on my pants, and then pissed in the pants that I just shit in, I would have pissed in someone else's pants, that's how scared it would have been, it was, that shit was scary, if you guys haven't seen it, you should look it up, it's like, I don't know what's called, it's probably, it's probably got one of those titles though, like, dog spider prank, attention grabbing, sexy bikini dog, or whatever, but, you know, the video's actually pretty funny,

um, but yeah, man, uh, Christmas is coming, I don't know what the hell I'm getting, my mom asked me what she, what I wanted, and I was like, I, I don't know, I think I, oh yeah, I asked for a Nutribullet, you know, those blenders, literally because I was watching, uh, the commercial, and was like, oh, fuck it, I'll take that, why not, like, it's fine, and it's so, like, the commercial is for it is so dumb, because they don't call it a blender, which, it's a blender, dude, you fill things up, and you cut them up with this blade that spins, that's a blender, that's it, across the board, that's a blender, it has all the symptoms of a blender, they're calling it like a nutritional extractor, what the fuck are you talking about,

man, you, oh, you mean blender, is that what you mean, shut the fuck up, it's not a nutritional extractor, but yeah, I think that's what I'm getting, which is totally fine, because, uh, I'm gonna have to abuse that, I just gotta buy a bunch of fresh fruit, but there's no, I don't know where to get fresh fruit, because the, the place that I shop for groceries, they always have like strawberries, look like they've got the shit kicked out of them, all the strawberries look like they got jumped, it's so ridiculous, they all have bruises and shit, I'm like, what the fuck happened to these things, do you not keep them in like a, and they always come in like a flimsy ass, it's got like holes in it, it's like that, but it's

like supposed to have holes in it, but it's like this flimsy ass plastic box that they're in, I'm like, can we get something a little more sturdy, man, so I gotta do that shit, I'm talking about fruit right now, man, this is, this is what it's come to guys, I'm talking about fruit, but yeah, tonight I'm going out to dinner with my family for Christmas, every year we go to dinner, and we go see the tree, and you know, whatever the hell else is over there, St. Patrick's Cathedral, go in there, my mom says a prayer, my brother farts in the church, and we all yell at them, this all happens every year, guys, it's the same thing every year, we go in there and we're loud, and people look at us like, what the hell are these people doing in here, my family, when we're

all together, we are incapable of following any type of rules, like not laws, but like unwritten rules, like obviously you don't talk loud in a church, it's a church, and obviously you don't fart in a church, Keith, if you're listening, probably not, but don't fart in the church, my brother used to fart in the church all the time, when we were younger, oh my god, this is how church would go, we would walk in, I would get there, 10 minutes, I would pass out, literally, every time I got into church, would just start, like I don't know why, I would just pass out, like I would be like, I'm feeling like I'm gonna faint, and my sister would have to take me outside, and I would have to sit on the steps outside of the church, and try to not die in the

church, and then my brother would make, he would not stop talking, my mom would be yelling at him, and everyone would be turning around, the priest is like, what the hell's going on, but he would never say hell, because you know, he's a priest, he would say, hey, what the heck is going on, but yeah, everyone would be like, what the fuck, and there was actually one time, I swear, I promise you, this is a real story, we're all in the pew, right, we're sitting in the seats, and it's before the priest comes out, there's like a dead silence, there's like a, I don't know what it is, but it's like the person who's playing the organ stops, and then there's a silence, and my brother Keith farted so loud, I wouldn't say 80% of the church

turned around, and looked in our direction, and he pointed at my mom, so so just, this kid farts points to my mom, my mom was jabbing this kid in his fucking ribs, she's like, what the fuck, you fucking idiot, all right in the church, and everyone's like, this family, what are they doing, but yeah, we weren't the worst people in that church, there were some people, I remember on Christmas we went, it was Christmas, well Christmas Eve, it's Christmas Eve, right, everyone's dressed nice, because everyone's either going to a family party, or they're going out to dinner, and everyone's dressed nice, and there was this one guy who was wearing a shirt, and on the back of it, it said, your ass is grass, and I'm gonna

smoke it, in church, are you fucking kidding me, this guy's out of control, stop him, I was like, this guy out of here, but yeah man, church was great, we have tons of stories from church, my mom used to beat the hell out of us right in the pew, and then ask for forgiveness right afterwards, and I feel like church is a good place to hit your kids, you can quote me on that, church is a good place to hit your kids, because you get forgiven almost immediately, you know, you jab them in the face, and you go, Jesus my bad bro, because he's right there, he's on the cross, hanging above the altar, you're like dude, I'm so sorry, but he's talking, and then Jesus goes, it's all good bro, imagine that's how Jesus talked, like one of those,

like one of those bros from California, oh dude, no, it's totally fine bro, I forgive you, I don't give a shit dude, it's totally sick, I don't even care bro, you murder, dude, don't murder, I mean if you do, whatever, it's totally fine, I won't send you to hell, because that place is like, not gnarly at all bro, this shit is fucking awful, but shit is weak bro, but you know, heaven's tight, but you want to come hang out in heaven bro, I forgive you dude, it's totally fine bro, yeah, you just smoke mad bulls bro, can you imagine Jesus was like that, how do you think Jesus spoke, do you think he was funny, where am I going right now, I'm taking a turn, I don't know where the fuck I went, but I just went, and now we're all, someone's gonna get mad

at me, like dude, do not talk about Jesus like that, but I think Jesus has a sense of humor, I think he's dying at this, and maybe I'm right, you know, maybe, maybe, who the hell knows, oh bro, church, shit is lit bro, church is so lit, it's not, church is actually really fucking boring, especially when you go to a church like mine, like I always see these churches like in the south, it's mostly like black people's churches are like popping, like they're like singing and dancing and like fucking doing crazy shit, and like it's awesome, but in my church it's all like, and everyone's falling asleep, I'm fainting, my brother's farting, none of that shit would happen, if we were in like a cool church from the south, we'd be dancing, clapping,

the choir's like awesome, it's like, oh god, I wish I could go to one of those churches, where are we going, guys, I don't know where I'm going, but you're coming with me, that's all I know, there's a beer on my desk, this is ridiculous, and it's, oh my god, and it's stuck to the desk, fuck, all right, this is what I know, I've hit rock bottom guys, I gotta light a candle, that's what I do now, that's what I do now, when I, when like shit just gets crazy, I have this mistletoe candle, from Yankee candle, because it smells like a Christmas tree, and like if my room's like a mess or whatever, and just like my life's shitty, I just light this candle, and I start smelling a Christmas tree, and then I clean my room, get my life back together,

and that's it, that's all you gotta do, you wanna fix your life, light a fucking candle, that's it, that's all you gotta do, that's why they do it in church, you walk in, right, if you didn't have a good church session, like your son farts and then blames it on you, you walk to the back, you donate a dollar, you light one of those candles, and you're chilling, God's like yeah, dude, whatever, just light the candles, just give me that money, and let's get the hell out of here, do you think church is gonna like be a thing of the past, because you know how like the newspaper is like kind of like a thing of the past, like I know people read the newspaper, but like it's slowly become less and less like the predominant source of

retaining news, it's not like a newspaper, it's like everyone's online, and just I don't even know if that last sentence made sense, and if it did, God bless me, but so like people look at it online, so you think church is gonna become like that, like no one's like oh I don't wanna go up, is there just like an app, can we live stream church, and like it's just like a priest in a church, and he's doing the whole thing, and there's like a bunch of cameras with different angles, and like every Sunday you wake up, and you hit this app, the church app, and you could just watch you live stream right from your bed, you don't have to get up, you could eat cereal while you do it, it's totally fine, but then you wouldn't have the host or the wine, well unless you could drink your

own wine, but you can't bless your own host because you're not a priest, also if none of you are Catholic you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, so sorry, but actually so if you don't know this is what happens, like there's a certain point in church where everyone goes oh we're hungry, and then there's like these thing that they call hosts, it's a little piece of bread, they're in a circle, and then there's wine, which is just wine, which is supposed to be the blood of Christ, a little gross that we all are drinking the blood of Christ, but anyway, there was one time we walked into church, and like they're right there at the beginning of the aisle, and you got to walk through the aisle, which is nerve-wracking by the way, it's kind of freaky right, because if

you show up to church late, which we always did, you walk down the aisle, everyone's looking at you, and you kind of feel judged, like they're all like when, I think it'd be fucking on time next, like what the fuck are they getting here so late for, like fuck you dude, but anyway, so as we were walking in I see the wine, and there's a fly in the fucking wine, and I'm like dude that's a fly, so we get to our seats, and I go to my mom, I'm like hey there's a fly in the wine, and immediately she tells me to shut the hell up, and she's jabbing me in the fucking stomach, she's like shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, right, because she thinks I'm like messing around, I'm like there's a fly mom, I'm serious, so we forget about it, then church happens, right, we start praying,

we start singing, we start you know, whatever you're worshiping, whatever the word is, and then it comes time, then it comes snack time, and then as they bring the host up and the wine, and the priest gets it, and he looks at the wine, and he points at it, and then the altar boy, which is like his helper, his sidekick, takes it into a back room, and when that happens, I just look at my mom like I told you, you see, and she's like wow, and then like, but this guy, here's the thing, this guy came out of the back room less than 15 seconds, which means he probably just scooped the fly out, and like threw it on the ground, and then came back out, like he did not pour out the wine, put some new wine in, maybe throw the chalice in the dishwasher real quick,

none of that, there was no rinse, it was like he walked in, flicked the shit out of the wine, and then everyone else was drinking, god knows what this fly had, you know, I skipped the wine that day, I was like I'm not gonna, I'll, I'm good with just the bread, priest, you know, not thirsty today, god I'm losing my mind, I don't even know how churches haven't been there in so long, anyway, I think that's all for this week, I gotta, I gotta get my life together, I gotta like this candle and figure shit out, but anyway, that's, that's, that's all guys, if you're into sports, me and my friends run a sports podcast called veterans minimum, it's on iTunes and SoundCloud, this podcast however, is fucking not on iTunes, I don't know what the fuck happened, but it

disappeared, I'm gonna try and get it back up there, I don't know what to do, but you know, it's on SoundCloud, so check it out guys, the basement yard, and that's all, there's not gonna be a video tonight, because I have a ton of shit to do for Christmas, and you know, I'm gonna be away at families houses and stuff, and I'm sorry, you know, but I do have to be a person, you know, whatever, but anyway, that's all for this week's fucking basement yard, and as always thanks for listening, ya motherfuckers.