The Basement Yard - My Family Is BACK!

Episode Date: May 9, 2017

On this episode, my siblings & I are talking about poop, Bill O Reilly, & more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard today. I am joined by my brothers and sister These are the people that I uh grew up with Keith as you guys know this beard gets longer and longer by the second and creepier and Redder by the way or orange. It's tinted. I'm Irish That's a terrible fucking And Shannon's here despite all of the

Anxiety she's she made it And yes, if you are watching this on fullscreen, uh, it looks like I have herpes But I don't it's just uh It's like a cut Or something now. It's a cut. It was kind of a herpe But that's what happens when my lips get really chapped. There's bacteria that gets in there And then I start looking crazy. At least that's what he tells his girlfriend. Yeah I

Anyway for those of you who don't know these are the people that I grew up with in my house There was us four and then our mother and father one bathroom and I kind of had a little Sort of shit problem You still have a little bit of a shit problem. No, I think I'm good now. It evolved into a big shit problem Honestly, don't know how we did it. No, I don't like Easter Sunday. Let's say we'd have to get up early and go to church Everyone's got a shower. Everyone has to shower every day. Listen for the entire time that I was in high school for four years

I slept in a room with them two and my father For four years I was on the floor Dad snored and mom could not deal. She's like get out I slept with my mom in her bed for years. You also had your own room. Yeah, but dad would sleep in my room sometimes, too It was just mayhem. And then you'd be in the shower and Keith would come in because you had to take a shit I'd shit my pants. Hold on. Oh, and there's no fan in our bathroom. Oh, no, no, no

There's no overhead fans. Nope. Open the window which the window opens up One inch. There's nothing. It's not nothing goes out of there. There's no air flow It the smell stays. It's been renovated since I mean, but when we were young Hold on poor. I brought I brought this up for her. I Just brought this up the other day and I don't think you might not know this I just told Shannon but when I when we were younger, I swear to God, this is true if I had to take a shit Why I would go to the bathroom, right? The tub was right in front of like the toilet And Keith would come in and just sit on the edge of the tub facing me

And I'd be shitting and we would just laugh While I'd be shitting like oh brotherly activities No, but it didn't get that we would laugh every time I either like fart farted or you know shit hit the water Yeah, and we were close and he's shit like every seven seconds I do remember like I'd be brushing my teeth and the two of you would be peeing at the same time Literally, that's how close we are like stepbrothers for their peeing in the same time. No It's like that's we're like drunk kids in college doing they think it's hilarious like oh you're a cross swords, bro We had to and then when you're like six and eight. Yeah, that's just someone's taking a go

Someone's taking a shit. Someone's peeing through their legs. No, it's a wrap That good of a even younger than that we all just take a tub together and just throw them in all four of us at once Our mom scolded us once she She was just angry just like get in the tub We're like it's too hot and then we're sitting there and we had red like from here down Yeah, Belly's from here down I'm cooking the kids. Yeah, I remember dad came in and he's like what's the matter and we stood up and half our bodies were red We have pictures of it. We do. Yeah. Oh my god. It's amazing. There was also a lot of fighting growing up as well

Shannon's weapon of choice was the remote Which she would frequently throw whatever was closest to me and if we were in the living room and you pissed me off Chances are Because she's not coordinated enough to throw a punch at all. No, I wish the remote was dead on My favorite Yeah, cuz me and Keith would fight all the time and then like I'd hit Keith and then he would just look at you Like this. Yeah, you're my

He would just give you a look like I'm about to cut your fucking head off So I would run away and then he chased me I remember one time you chased me outside and he pushed me into this Concrete wall that separates our yard in the neighbor's yard and has this like heavy-ass Triangular thing that goes on top and I just knocked it into the next yard. Yeah, I was strong was yes now Now it's like an old woman could beat the shit out of you It's too windy out. I can't go. He can't beat him in a race, too Yeah, but my favorite was when Shannon and Keith would fight because Keith would just

Call her a bitch or something But the way you curse sounds so much more violent Really young well, well when I was somewhat younger I use memories just like always steal change from mom No quarters in the house never yeah He would just have Because I empty out your pockets recently to put your jacket in the closet and there was a shit ton of quarters in there I have a fucking job. I don't do anything now. No, but I'm just saying where are you getting quarters from I buy shit Yes, and they only give you a quarter. I only buy stuff and even amounts

Order you get a dime get a penny you had all quarters, and I'm like oh He's still stealing no, I am not his jacket. He's the way like ten Keith back in the day had a jacket that wouldn't fit Me standing on his shoulders. It was the biggest fucking jacket in the world literally would be Dad has the circumference of a rhinoceros the planet exactly you ever saw a silverback river river Gorilla exactly, but Keith's jacket was enormous. I actually Was taking the SATs. I think it's October or some shit this October It was a Thursday

It was brisk. Yeah No, I fucking walk into The SAT room whatever the hell the classroom whatever I fucking tripped over the desk And I had the jacket all the way zipped up couldn't get up because it was past my knees So I couldn't like maneuver myself. You're like cockroach Yeah Yeah, he wouldn't let her throw it away. We had like throw it away behind his back. I still had Front of the jacket there was these two big-ass pockets

Huge that you would just like there was Velcro and you would flip it open Yeah, and then you can get your like up to your elbow into this pocket It was fucking huge and one of the things were filled with change Quarters and dimes only you can imagine what he sounded like walking down the street. Yeah, just a fucking parade It was just it was crazy and then the other one was filled with Wintergreen mints. Yeah, because he would just did I I could go through like four bags a day What is your shit like because if I eat four of those it's not I'm shit. I'm hot My shit is not good. I

Really don't care. It's like hot shit if I have like mints. It's hot What does that mean? Well, you don't do puberty before this is over, please When I was living in that house every time I'm in the bathroom somebody's banging down the door because I have to shit They have like the same shoes The two of them, every time in the bathroom somebody's knocking on the door and with him It's an emergency every single time. It's like come on, Tom. This is bullshit You've got to be kidding me every fucking time. I'm like I just sat down. You can fucking take a hike

Like you shit for literally I like to let gravity. He let yeah Shit he doesn't push He gets in there and then he tries to do everything except shit There's no reason to be in my best thinking in the whole takes 37 minutes shit He does he has fallen asleep on the toilet drunk many times. We have found him many times We have found him asleep on the toilet Comfortable I don't understand it's a seat though

Wake up and you can't even imagine the ring around your ass actually by the way, you'd be surprised Well, you like you've said you're in sin They're so long you go to get up and the seat goes with you and then it slams down Or like you have like fucking marks on your knees. They're all red and shit. Oh because you were leaning on it Yeah, you got to get a good by the way, that's terrible like position to shit apparently you were leaning on your knees Like this Shannon, I can't use the squatting potting just throwing it out there. Why mom put it in the tub It's like not being My back is killing me. I'm like what the fuck is this doing you're supposed to squat

It makes for a more natural like it opens up your anus in such a way so that it comes out better I bought it for Joey. I take big dumps. My anus is opening for it. It's it's opening trust me like this big It's what I get you for rather mine stay cool and something shit related That's what happens That's for people who don't know the squatty potty is like this thing that goes underneath your toilet And it's like instead of taking a shit without your feet on the ground and you're sitting kind of like you're in a chair Or whatever your feet are elevated. So you're shitting like a gargoyle Yeah, like you're fucking doing butterflies on the floor, but it's good for you if you look at like the pamphlet or whatever

No, but like When you're sitting like in a chair, you're kinked so it doesn't come out as good. So it's not it's not good for you It's better want to be like a gargoyle I don't think it mattered for me because back then when my stomach was a fucking disaster It was pretty much I would say 77% of the time water Joey's had diarrhea since 1997 yeah, I remember so like Like I had diarrhea twice this month. I'm like What had twice

This hour. Yeah, I'm sitting water for the past two years of my I literally can't remember The last time I had diarrhea like it's been I honestly been good. I've been good. I haven't had it in a while But I don't have like diarrhea like I don't have the cut time I Don't have the kind of diarrhea where it's like you have it you're shitting every seven seconds. You're dehydrated It's like when people do you take your regular dump? You would take dumps. I just I just pee out of my ass and it's just Just pee It's been sick for like a week. I had a take like you know when you get the feeling you got

Before I got halfway up the stairs. I was like wow I Then the world fell out of my ass That's usually how it goes Usually like if I have diarrhea a fart is like the plug So I get up there and the first thing that happens is a fart and then just Is it like the air one for is it like the air one all the farts are air on your fucking Where it just sounds like

No, no, no, this is an explosion It's kind of like a like a flash bang grenade or it's like I I'm sorry, I hope you guys aren't eating dinner right now This is what having dinner at our house is like we're just Yeah, I cry the whole time. There's no like rules like oh, we shouldn't talk about this doesn't matter Yeah, we talk about disgusting things when I was in college kids would like draw straws to see who's gonna like come home to Eat dinner at our house because it was there would like just sit there and laugh their ass off

It was wrong with you Yeah, it was their first time coming over Silence get ready and they literally would sit there and sounds and just watch it's like a show It's hard to keep up. I would sit like everyone had the assigned seats Everyone's in the same spot every night I would sit next to my dad which was a big mistake because he would stab me with his fork if I said something which I usually did My voice is just I can't do anything puberty. Oh god. That's what happens when you're the youngest Yeah, you just don't

By the way, I have this written down and I just wanted to say it because I don't think I've ever said it on a podcast but There was this one particular time Where Shannon got matta key threw remote at him Hit him in the head and he was enraged And first in the days. He's not going to hit my sister You know, he's either going to punch a wall which there's holes everywhere in that house everywhere. Yep, literally Uh, but oh by the way, I have us through an entire basement door. He did he also

I bought a desk from Ikea put it together Like I slaved over that thing. I had a fucking blister the size of my palm my hand not joking It didn't help me do it. I just did it by myself with a fucking Allen key because fuck Ikea everything's done with an allen key two days later. He got mad In the living room walked through the kitchen went downstairs and then put his fucking hand Right through the day. I went right through So you're a piece of shit, but anyway I don't remember what you pay like 14 99 for that desk

I don't fucking know but whatever it's a steal Ikea is great. Anyway, you do know the story. It's a famous story in our family But so shan hits Keith at the remote he gets enraged and he doesn't want to hit my sister. So what he does is He just uses whatever's close to him at the time. The only thing that he had on him Was an Oreo a double stuffed Oreo, which is irrelevant to the point actually. No, it's a little heavier He stood up And fucking fired an Oreo At my sister and she just stood there and tensed up and just missed her and it hit the wall and I am not

Fucking lying when I say it disappeared. It did we couldn't find it. There was no crumbs I don't even remember a sound. No, it went to another dimension. It's it. He threw it to venus I'm pretty sure it did hit me though because I think I remember getting a bruise. So there's I threw an oreo into your stomach So what you're saying is maybe it went into my body. You ate it It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life. By the way When I threw it, I remember vividly through it I ran you ran away and I ran after you like a psychopath

And fucking threw this in the kitchen And it hit right in the Was it to the left? He remembers everything it hit it to the left of the sink right below the cabinets There were so many times where we would fight. Thank you for that. Keith would look at me and go It gives a huge shit about where you're not a guy like he would say that to me so so much And I'd be like, yeah, you're gonna hit me Yeah, she was a bitch. I'm gonna fucking knock you out if you're a guy

I've pissed you off. You never knocked me out. You never hit me No, I don't like hitting people. We would just push each other. Well, I guess you wouldn't We would just push each other. I don't like hitting people. I remember we just you like breaking furniture Speaking of breaking furniture Recently joey sent us in the uh family group chat a picture Of a shattered end table and apparently keith had come home drunk and just stumbled backwards and fell through it It looked like he just jumped up and cannonballed onto this fucking thing because it there was shit on the ground

The legs of the table were you all over the place. You came out with mom No But yeah, and I was remember I'm on the floor because What happened was sammy went to the bathroom. It wasn't a coffee table I was gonna go to the bathroom sammy was had a ghost. I was like, you know what? I'll let you go So she went gentlemen. Yeah, like an idiot. I'm a gentleman So she went and then

I guess as soon as the door closed I got tired Don't remember it and I just went back And you just fell and just fucking demolished this thing behind me. Oh my god. It wasn't a coffee table. It was like an Sammy said I was this close of going down the staircase Yeah, because it was on the landing like you walk up the stairs and we have like a little space so we had a little table there it used to be in my bedroom and All the legs came off like everything that was on it was all over the place And I think we woke up out of bed like what the fuck are you doing like this happened every time he drank

Every time every time I see that picture. I just started dying laughing That was when we were taking too many shots. I was saying I was like I was like all right. Fuck it. Remember she spilled the shot on her leg. So I matched it spilled the shot on my leg Oh, you sound like you are a gentleman. You are a true gentleman I'm a fucking moron. Let me get to this sponsorship real quick before you move on but uh today's sponsor is beach body on demand Beach body on demand gives you the ability to stream hundreds of workouts from programs all over Proven to give you amazing results created by world-class super trainers super trainers Basically, this is kind of like p90x or t25 21 day fix extreme

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30 day trial to the entire platform Again, just text basement to 30 30 30 and then you get access to uh the platform uh You know frequently in my videos, I talk about train stories or whatever because we do live in new york city And if you take the bus or train, I have two good stories Well, wait your turn. Yeah I'm just gonna say like if you take the bus or the train or whatever You're you're bound to see something pretty much every single time. Yeah

I think every time I've been on the train now, I've seen Something I've I've watched a child piss his pants And I didn't say baby for a reason because it was a child like too old to be pissing their pants Like eight nine and he just stared at me while he did it too And it sounds like I'm making this up to be funny, but I would it happened I was on the end and I was on like 30th avenue like almost home and I'm standing there And I just looked down. I had a

My bag was on the floor and I was sitting and I see like just water And I'm like the fuck is that so I just like followed it And like looked down the train and it's connected. Wait, you physically followed it. No You're like, oh, I gotta see what this is going canceling gretel But I was just like looking like I just followed it to this shoe And of a kid who was wearing jeans and the kid was just like this And pee like holding onto a pole still going still going Do you know how much fucking pee that is because he was like that's a lot

He wasn't on the other side of the train, but he was like a little less than halfway Down the train. It was really fucking far was anyone with him His fucking mom was standing right there pants. No So he was standing there He was peeing and I could tell because I could still see the stain Getting larger larger. Yeah, like it wasn't like, you know what I mean? And then the pee was on the ground and I'm like What the fuck and his mom just

Not no facial expression just Yeah, she's like, yeah, he's kid's fucking peeing again And the kid wasn't reacting either like scared or like nervous or like embarrassed. He was just Fuck it. Maybe he was special. What happens when I'll get game boy Shane, I can't just assume something like that Okay, so I have a train story This was years ago mom and I got on the train to go shopping on lexington avenue and it we're sitting there And all of a sudden it's like really crowded

So like we had seats, but then people kept getting on and someone got on the train And then all of a sudden this girl started to take off her pants And mom and I look at each other like What is she doing? Like she was taking her jeans off Yeah, and then her friends started to take her jeans off and we were like really uncomfortable and like oh my god What the hell is going on? Maybe there's special needs like you know But then

People were getting on the train and they didn't have pants on so mom and I were like hold on a second I'm really on candid camera right now. It's the craziest thing, but it turned out to be that like no pants ride on the subway It was freezing cold that day I give it was the craziest shit ever because we were like Like think about it. You don't know at all And everybody starts taking off their pants on the train or people are getting on the train and just underwear and I was like Am I insane? What is going on right now? That's gotta be like the most Stupid hipster dumb ass thing to do. Oh, yeah

I was like blown away and mom of course like, you know, she comes from this sheltered world of Astoria No, but like, you know back in the day whatever from the middle of Kansas the first kid the first girl She was like, oh, maybe she's special needs and then all of them kept like coming out with no pants and she's like Maybe they're all special Are we on the train? This is one of those field trips Oh my god, it was crazy. I was like, what is the deal? Yeah, they weren't even crazy people, but then it turned out to be like a legit thing and then we were like, okay That's fine. Which I mean, you know seeing someone without pants on the New York City subway is not like it's not even unusual

No one would even lift their head. They'd be like, yeah Sometimes I wish some of those people weren't wearing pants because the pants that they are wearing are so soaked in piss Yep that it smells like you wouldn't believe Was the person that saw a girl throw up and then act like nothing ever happened Was that me that happened to you? Where was I I was with all my friends and it was just a drunk girl like lean She didn't look drunk and it was like early. It was like seven At night and we're going to the city and she's just standing there

Then she just oh no, she was sitting on like the wooden bench And then we sat down next to her and then she was kind of like slouch or whatever So it's kind of like oh, maybe she's drunk or something and she just throws up And then sits back throws up again and then just Like nothing ever chilling Did she try to like strike up a conversation? No, I mean we weren't sitting like directly next to her. She was with somebody a lot She was Disgusting

It was disgusting. Oh my god. What were you gonna say? What you were like? Oh, I got two really good Yeah Well the one it's on the bus The bus the bus which all smell like piss. I haven't been on the bus since high school Every time you want a main street for this one, but uh Whatever i'm sitting there talking to the microphone. Yeah, you're right Uh, like when I got on the bus I like happened to look at like, uh What was it like, you know how you can go out the back of the bus and they have like those steps that go down

Yeah, the back door two of them were missing Two steps. Yeah, they were gone. So people had to hop out. So hold on. So literally you could While the bus is going you could just see the down street. Yeah, you could see the fucking road That's dangerous mta At no point did anyone feel like this is so I as a smart person sat away from that this guy he just sat like right actually right so now he's sitting there and We're like going up like this hill or whatever. It's like construction

And he just happened to like fucking notice what I noticed as I walked on so he looks down over like the railing to see to see the fucking Hole and as he did that we hit a bump And all this black shit just fucking flew up And hit this guy right in the face And he came up. I was die laughing because I couldn't fucking see him for a couple seconds And then I saw space and he was going

It was so fucking funny I only have creepy trains for us because like I was your girl Yeah, I took the train and like the bus all throughout high school for four years And our our trip was like an hour and a half easy every way depending on the time of day You see different types of crazy people too. Yeah So like I remember when we were going to work like we would go to work in the same day But I would go really early because I have to be in at like seven So when I get on the train if there's homeless people on the train, they're still sleeping

So they're pretty peaceful and like people just avoid the car, but I don't care like I'll stand right next to them But like a couple of times I got on and like there's a couple of people sleeping in the train Because there's always like a sleeping car and they like kind of like congregate And I walk into the sleeping car Barracks straight the numbers So I walk into the sleeping car and there is a woman who's like doesn't look homeless at all She's like fully dressed dead asleep on the bench

And underneath her seat is like all of her groceries Like there was like oranges Falling out of the bag. It's all sorts of stuff that she had She just never made it home. She just slept on the train all night and she was still asleep. Oh my god It was light out. That's bad. What the fuck? Yeah It was it was like it was crazier than seeing you know I would somebody take a shit right in the middle of something because that would be normal for new york city Which I've seen I walked someone actually just tweeted me a picture of a homeless person

That's an assumption. I'm just assuming they're homeless because I can't imagine anyone who has a home would do this Of a woman completely bent over Like her she's looking at her knees and shitting What on the sidewalk? In public. Hey, you gotta go. You gotta go my back way and you know back to our previous conversation It was a water shit. Oh my god. I'm done with this. So it was splashing Well, if you were eating out of the garbage most of the time you'd have water shit too. Maybe that's why you have diarrhea

They're having too many mints is what's happening Mist ups I was on the train one time and they didn't smell like mint. Um no when I when I uh Wow, I'm losing my mind the old trains They don't have air conditioners at all. So if you get stuck on one of those, especially in the summer Like if there's train traffic, which there always always is if you're coming into dimores like to stop right before we get off There's always train traffic. So you have to sit there and sometimes for a half hour

Yeah, sometimes for a half hour to an hour if you're stuck on these old trains. It's hot as fuck It's basically a sauna and I was in there and I'm just like sitting there and it's fucking hot as hell And they're like, yeah the train traffic the train will be moving shortly and this lady she goes uh And just pulls out her tit What and I was like what the fuck and then I mean she was breastfeeding But the tit was out for like a good 45 seconds before I saw a baby You have to let the nipple acclimate to the environment. So it doesn't shock the baby So it doesn't shock the baby. You don't want to give the baby a sweaty nip

That's right. You got to air it out. I didn't otherwise don't reject the nipple Are you guys insane? I have no idea. I don't know But I was just like, wow, that's you know pretty brave No, I have a there's a got there's a guy who got on at queensboro plaza And so like when you get on the train that early in the morning all the not People that are sleeping are all mostly construction workers because they are getting to the site early And I'm sitting there and he's like bunch of construction workers get on the train this guy like He's sitting there and all of a sudden like the doors closed we move like 20 yards and all of a sudden they're like

Sorry, we're gonna be delayed and this guy just loses his fucking mind like oh my god every fucking day with this He's screaming. So everyone's like, that's a little weird And he never said a word until they would make an announcement and as soon as they would start the announcement Oh, of course. Yeah, of course Fucking bullshit. You gotta be fucking kidding me every fucking day this guy And I was just laughing that happened to me one one time on the way to work I got caught in between queensboro plaza and lexington. So it's like you can't go anywhere It's not like you're at a stop you have to just sit there

And I was stuck and there was a baby just crying at the top of its fucking little lungs and its mom was just She's used to it just like She was probably like dude put your sock in its mouth or hit it. Excuse me hit it In the face. You can't do that or the nipple will never happen. I would have hit it if the doors were open I would have just I would have hit that fucking thing It was the most annoying thing and then because we we would be stuck and they get another thing

They go the train is we gotta train traffic. We'll be there for and then you you're not Going to be moving anytime soon, which they always tell you which is probably why that guy kept fucking yelling and uh So they were doing the announcements this fucking kid screaming the entire time It's hot as fuck the air air condition is not working Then the train moves like 10 feet and we're all like oh, and then we stop again I'm like, oh my fucking god And this kid won't stop fucking screaming and then when I got to lexington They they went on the announcements like yeah, this train. We're not everyone's gotta get off. It's not working

Oh my god, so I had to get off And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I walked up to the the guy in the window of the train. I walked up to him I was like, sir, do you want to and he cuts me up? He's like, sir, you gotta step back. I was like Is the train electrified? What is going on? You know, I was like the fuck is happening He said you gotta step back sir. I was like, fuck this. I'm not even going to work now I was like, I was like two hours late. So I was like, I guess I'm just gonna take a sick day Then I get on the train to go home. I get on the wrong fucking train

Now I'm in Jackson Heights or some shit. I had to come back to this place and get back on the right train I was living. I had a What was I going? I think who doesn't fucking matter. Oh this story started out great No, dude, I have uh I'm on the fucking train, right? I'm on the train Girl walks in with her guitar. I keep fucking stepping away from this girl walks in with her guitar She like usually you play a song everyone knows

She just started playing a song She just started playing a song that she just fucking made up. Yeah It was horrific Right, so now I'm like great and I'm gonna hear this fucking shit Right, so finally it's over. She goes, you know, they they try to get money and then they go to the next car Then I'm sitting down You know, that's like that song where it's like songs where it's like Yeah, like like

It's like a weird like Asian music like Asian music. Yes, but it's like really like I feel like it's old Asian music They have like certain instruments. Whatever man. It's like a single string I sound really uneducated right now. You are I know Right so now I'm hearing this it's getting louder And now I'm looking around I'm like Who the fuck is playing this? through their iPod

I'm like looking for him. I'm like, it's not him. That's not him. That's not him. Someone moves away. It's this little fucking man He's got a backpack on with the fucking radio like by his ears And to make matters worse like as it's like he's fucking blessing this shit He's like pass it. I see he has a fucking flute in his mouth And he's fucking playing the flute to this fucking song. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I see this little fucking man Everyone's just trying to make a living. Oh my god, it's great. Do you ever see like, uh The asians they love the subway, but they this woman will come on the

Okay No, she comes on the train and she hands out these things And then everyone's just like, yeah, thanks whatever and then she she when she she hands them all out She goes back to the front and then she just takes them away from everyone No, yeah, because it's like a usually it's a thing about donating To to like the deaf community or something like that. Well, aren't I a piece of garbage? Like you know that Did you you didn't read it because like

No, shan, he doesn't read anything. I read I've never read a summer reading book for high school. I read twitter Okay, look the reason why we always see asian people on the train is because we have the connecting line with the seven The seven goes to main street flushing We went to catholic school at st. Francis prep and it's in fresh motos and for us to get home We had to stop in main street to get our next bus. I was on practically another country. Oh my god. Yeah It's no one moves out of the way. No Like I'm so angry and everyone has a mask on can I have

And all the women have umbrellas for the sun They're smart. We're idiots. Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, let's breathe each other's germs and Give me some skin cancer, will you? You're gonna last another 10 years. That's why you'll see like the oldest person ever to live was like 130 years old And they lived in china meanwhile people and they look dropping at 35 years old of a heart attack for no fucking reason Big max, that's why so I took the I was taking the train from our school to main street And I'm in my uniform, you know, like the the skirt and the tights and the whole thing You can totally tell that like, you know, I'm a teenager

Obviously this man gets on the train in a suit and he sits next to me and he starts talking to me And he goes he hands me a book. He goes you see this book and I was like, yeah And he's like, do you know who wrote this book? And I was like No, and he opens up the book and his picture is like where the author's picture is So he's trying to like, you know, be all oh, I wrote this book He talked to me the entire freaking way there And then when we got off at main street, I'm like walking to the next bus. He comes after me and he's like So, uh, would you like to get a drink sometime?

I'm blatantly 16 years old. I'm in a catholic school girl uniform. I look 16 now Yeah, I can only imagine what I looked like when I was 16. I looked like I was 11 First mistake. Did you get the drink? No I was like, no and I like ran for my life. Like are you serious? That's not bad. So to see what it said, you see this is me. This is me. Do you hear me? This is this is my book. I'm like, this book's a piece of shit And he would have never said anything to you. I was like, oh

Congratulations, like I was trying to be polite, but I really just wanted to listen to my little cd player That was when we still had cd players Walkman's shans old I'm old gross That's not bad. I've heard stories of like no, yeah, some girls that I know like dudes are jerking off Just like sitting across from them just beating it. Yeah, some girl told me that that has never happened to me She was uh, standing at the bus stop some guy drove drove up Jerking off

He was driving and jerking. Yeah, you get a ticket for that, you know A big one. That's bullshit points. That's points on your license. That's four points right there as much public As I have taken I've never experienced any kind of sexual harassment. Thank god And I'm like gonna knock on wood because now probably the next time I go on the train So I'm gonna dry on me. This isn't real wood shit. It's from Ikea Keith will put his fucking fist right through this board Don't do it wouldn't be the first time Keith speaking of sexual harass Harassment

Horan's Doran Speaking of Doran Doran. He can't talk speaking of sexual Horan Dan Hey, can you do that impression of uh, Asian music again? But the coolest thing ever is the ones like we're they're like fucking going crazy on like the strings. Yeah, those are awesome I really hope that there's not a lot of like hate mail from the asian community after this Why because we said the word asian we're celebrating them We're not saying fuck the asians. We're saying these stories. They're asian people

I know but people are very Testy these days. All right. I mean, I don't Anyway, go on with your story I know you want to talk You want to talk about Bob O'Reilly, right? Your sexual orangutan. I want to talk about Bill O'Reilly. Oh, this fucking guy. I said Bob O'Reilly Bob O'Reilly Great song

But Bill O'Reilly who's a huge guy on fox Fucking he's been sexually harassing women for years apparently. Yeah, but like physically The first guy to get in trouble for that apparently if you're high up at a tv station and you're not sexually harassing the people around You're they are not a loser. Yeah, I'm totally like wait. Is it physical or is it just verbal? Uh, I'm assuming both. I'm verbally physical. I'm not sure but uh I have this statement here where it's a statement. I have this like I prepared a statement I prepared a statement that I want to read

I want to apologize to the asian community No, but uh Fox repeatedly stood by him even as he and the company reached settlements with five women who had complained about sexual harassment Or are there inappropriate behavior by him? The agreement's total to 13 million dollars Five different people. Yeah, never mind. I get like eight million each. Okay, five Are you done? Your math is fucking off 13 million And five people that's like eight million each

That's not even fucking close. That's 40 million Sharon. I'm tired That's like It's a little more than two points. All right. Do you want to hear something a little bit more ridiculous than that? What? All right, they settle with five women 13 million dollars They basically have to let him go right? They fire them. Yes, and you know how much his severance was 25 million dollars So he got paid 25 million dollars for sexual harassment. Everyone's ass. He saw he was like, hey, how you doing? Grabbed her ass. Hey Is he married

He's an old white guy Oh divorced even better. I assume they're all grabbing asses. They shouldn't be One woman, uh, she said that he wouldn't speak to her other than say things like That's that's what the article said Um, I just mentioned I got just groaning. Oh, she got eight million for that Are you serious? Why won't you let me out of here? Making grunting noises like an animal. She alleges leering at her looking at her cleavage and her legs What's leering and he would call her?

What's leering can you go over that for Keith? Yeah, sorry Uh looking at her cleavage and her legs and he would call her hot chocolate What's she I think she was black That would make sense. Yeah, it's fucked up. But just weird old white guys. I think this is what they do I assume they're all racist and sexual harassing. I do white people are the worst They're the scariest people the people I'm most afraid the other day I was walking on this block and I was terrified. I was with uh Our friend nick and I'm walking and all of a sudden these two

White dudes who have camo hats and one of them has a camo like button down opened Oh, no, walk across the street towards me and I'm like, we're dead. It's over. This is where it ends They're going to hang us in their yard And that's that because that's what they do all the school shootings are white guys It's just they they came across the street and they were just walking one was it They were like to the side of me one was ahead and one was behind and I'm like, I don't like All right, if he runs he's coming to me one was in front one was in back. So I was like, they're trapping us They're coming in but then they were just nice guys who went to a laundromat

That's no where there's a cafe. Yeah, and they're wearing the camo because it was laundry day They had nothing else to wear. Yeah, just it was I was terrified. You had him pinned as terrorists. I'm Not just like scary movie white people who like, you know, like texas chainsaw massacre Texas chainsaw massacre where that family they just like hid this guy who would Cut people's faces off and wear them They put him in the basement and then let him run free on the town every so often. Are you fucking crazy? Anyway, I think we're gonna wrap up here Oh, all right, fine

I was just getting started Keith you opened your mouth like you were gonna say something to me. No, I just can't breathe out of my nose All right, well, Keith Where can they find you if they want to contact you if see more of you? Uh, you can find me on twitter and instagram at keatsanagato and you can find me uh On youtube youtube slash keatsanagato Pretty straightforward. Is that a backslash or a forward slash? See, I don't know. When is anyone using a forward slash? I was just trying to actually don't even know which it's backslashes. That one no one uses forward slash

Wait, isn't this is this a backslash and this is a forward slash. Yeah, you use backslashes Everything's backslash there shan. It's which way is it backslash? I don't know shit about coding, but I gotta assume there's a front. It's not even coding. It's just you know Slash It's a backslash. Can someone confirm it? I thought it was a forward. Am I crazy? Is it forward? I'm thinking of like math You've been drinking water. How did that just come out of you? Who fucking knows too many minutes It's it's forward. Oh, it is forward. Thank you. The fuck is that video?

Oh, no, no, no, is it? Oh, shit. It is forward slash. Thank you. This is fucking facebook What do you mean you? I knew it was a sort of rank attending board. All right, then. Why don't we use in backslashes? Never. Yeah, I don't know. What do you use as a backslash? I've been saying it all wrong my whole life I clearly have I just been saying that they use backslashes. You know what else for punishments. You know what else i've been saying wrong my entire life I thought get on all fours was get on all floors. No, I swear to god. Are you sure you know literally a month ago? Literally Sammy said it to me. She goes. Yeah, just get on all fours and I was like, what were you guys doing? What was it saying? I kept I kept fucking up. No, she didn't like demand that I do that. She's like get on all fours

She shoved this in your ass. She might have said like I was on all fours and I was just kind of like She shoved this in your ass. She might have said like I was on all fours and I was just kind of like What how do you get on all floors like many floors that how many four like I can get on all four Would it make sense get on all four? But when you say fours, how many you got? How many four you dickhead you said fours? That's plural. Yeah, I'm the dickhead. No, because it's more than one more than one More than one four. No more than one You have fucking four that's what four is that's why we made that fucking word because one two three four But four four is like a single thing. It's a single number exactly. No, it's not

I understand where he's coming from. I get it. I understand your conclusion. Get on all four all four of your limbs That's what you would say. Okay fine But you see see you said limbs and limbs was plural But when you don't say limbs you have to add the s to the end of the four That's why it should be floors get on the floor By the way, can you tell which one of us went to college? Oh Get go to college where they teach you get on all fours. Yeah, it does literally I took a whole class on that

You I'm not kidding. It's called English. No English comp wanted to push is on the pavement, right? Pussy's on the pavement Fuck it. It'll just make it a lot easier put them down You know, I said all right. I think this was yesterday and everyone was like Ripping me apart for this because I said Somebody asked me an opinion about something. I was like, oh, it's nothing to ride home about but it's right home I thought it was right home I was like Vin looks to me and he's like give me that ring back

Nothing to ride home about I thought it was ride home like ride home and tell everyone or like ride your bike Road to tell people news like that's what I was thinking in my head Let me hold on What a fucking lantern That's why I thought it was ride, but it's right I was going to ride a horse into town about and tell him that the english or was it english or brish Brish are coming the asians are coming Oh man, it's right home like oh dear everybody at home the cupcakes are awesome

I mean, yeah, I fucked up too. Yeah, so, you know, I'm a speech pathologist and I fucked up too At the end of the day get on all four Yeah, no Not force. No all four. What get on all four or what? Huh all four what four legs four four limbs four limbs four legs Fours tom do you not understand? No force. It's right. It's force. That would be Multiple force But listen, there's a lot of things in the english language that don't make any freaking sense

That's exactly what I said. Yeah, so just accept it for what it is. You drive on a parkway. Here's what it is It's bullshit. That's what it is What do you say I said you drive on a parkway and you park on a Seriously think about it. It doesn't make that isn't that fucking dumb Right, okay Are you gonna hit me? I'm gonna throw an Oreo at you. Watch out. Don't give him any oreo. Relax psycho Do you guys want to plug anything you've cried like four times this I've been crying the whole time

It's a real disease with doctors and medicine everything Do you guys I cry when I laugh do you guys want to plug anything or no? I have nothing to plug good unless you guys want to you know trade some bonds You go to morgan stanley.com You got a good family a good family a good following on instagram. It's true at tom santa gato You can follow me on instagram at shannon santa gato And uh, don't follow joey. That is all also if you're not watching this You can go to fullscreen.com slash basement yard and uh

Use the promo code basements when you sign up you get a free month And then it's six dollars a month after that. So it's like 20 cents a day. It's nothing crazy Yeah, it's not when you're stealing change If you can't afford to just tell key they'll mail you a quarter every day Also, uh, we do have an extra Show called the extra yard where it's like 15 minutes. We are going to be playing catchphrase today Which we have done. I think like three times before but

I think What this is the fourth time. This is the tiebreaker. I think so So what's teams? It's me and you. Yeah, and it's me and thomas. No Wait, what? No, that was when we played speak out the masters versus the disasters No, I think that was when we played speak out that we have the championship going on but for catchphrase We might have won both I think because Keith quits. I can't remember. I didn't fucking quit. See he gets angry and this is what happened This is what's gonna happen. This is what you guys guys have to look forward to

Uh, but yeah, that is all we'll see you next time