The Basement Yard - My First Day Of Fatherhood

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

I finally got the dog I've always wanted... and now I have totally given up sleep. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday March 7th, and I'm officially a father now yesterday. I got my dog from the airport Jesus Christ, this is Literally like I had a baby. This is literal. It's literally the same thing. Wow my voice cracked too. Look at this I have a kid and my voice is cracking. Oh Fuck everything's backwards, but um And relax. I know parents are listening to this and they're going dude. You have no idea baby. So I know it's different I'm kidding around relax, but um Yeah, man, the dog came in and I was scared. I was so skeptical because

First of all my girlfriend told me that her brother one time bought a dog Paid for it over the internet and then the neck and then when he went to a pickup at the airport The airport was like dude. What I have no order for a dog and he got he got scammed schemed Or whatever else robbed. I don't know so I was like, oh god. I hope that doesn't happen to me That would be a disaster that would ruin me really would have ruined me but um No, I went to the airport. It's LaGuardia airport aka the most Piece of shit airport in the united states LaGuardia airport. It's in Astoria

And actually I think that's the east elmhurst, but whatever So I went to LaGuardia and they have a big-ass delta building Which is what my dog was flying in from he was flying delta So I go to delta and I walk in I'm like I was looking around for the cargo pickup place And I'm like, hey, where's the cargo pickup in here? And the guy's like, oh, no, we move that all the way to the other side of the airport And I'm like not I mean Why would you have the delta cargo pickup in the big fucking delta building the guy's like no no no

We put that nowhere near this building that has this the fucking airport airplane Fucking what's the word airlines name on it? We don't have it in this building We move that shit completely as far away as we could and I was like all right fine so I had to go over to this other place and I walked in to the pickup and it's really like a It's so weird. You would think you ever see in movies where they're

They're like a truck pulls up to like this elevated Thing like in the back of a building and they're just like tossing I don't know boxes of like food or some shit and like whatever that's exactly what this place looked like And I'm like they're throwing my dog around like this. But anyway, um, so I walk in I give it. I'm like here I made a pick up my dog. Um Blah blah blah. She's like all right. Give me your ID. Give her my ID Then she turns around to this file cabinet

And she starts rummaging through tons of papers looking confused and already in my mind. I'm like it's fake It's a scam. It never existed. The dog's fake. I'm not getting dog. I'm out. What was he? It was like I think it was like 1,800 bucks I was like god damn it. I just lost 1,800 dollars. Whatever But uh, no, she gave me a paper. She's like, oh, I just go around the side and they'll give it to you So I go around the side and I walk up a ramp And there he is There's like a room with where they put all the cargo and charlie is just sitting

in his crate Barking his ass off As he sees me walks up, uh, as he sees me has he sees me walk up the ramp Get it together joe as he sees me and um He's shit everywhere. There was shit all in his crate. I was like, oh my god I picked the crate up and I'm like wow. Okay. This thing's full of shit This is full of shit

Which is terrible man. I feel bad. That means he was in there for so long that he's like, dude I got a dump, but no one was supposed to dump in here But he dumped took a big shit and he stepped in it. Oh god, but he's the fluffiest thing He's so fluffy if you like grab him and hold him. He's so skinny Because he's a puppy obviously. He's only 10 weeks old He's so skinny, but he has so much hair. So he looks bigger. But um Yeah, man, I'm so I'm in the car on the way home. I'm in the back seat. My brother's driving and um He's I'm like, wow that fucking stinks and I want to say hi to the dog

But I also don't want him to step all over the car with shit all over his hands But then I couldn't take it. I was like, fuck it. Go ahead. Shit on me So I went up the crate the the crate and he jumped on me and um, yeah, he put shit all over my shirt and it was dope um So, yeah, then I brought him home and uh me and my girlfriend gave him a bath got all the shit off of him But I made I was like, she was like, oh, you want me to get in the bath? I'll hold him so we could clean him whatever and I was like, yeah, sure So she gets in there and she's holding the dog and then I realized

Uh, I'm going to have to soak you. There's no way that you're not going to get wet. So I Just gave him both a bath basically I was putting the dog shampoo in his hands and Spraying her and him. It was a fucking disaster. It was nice though. He was a good boy He didn't squirm. He was just kind of taking it. He was just like, uh, fuck just one more thing I got took a plane here and now these people are spraying me with water but uh Then he parked up. He was um eating a lot

You would have thought they never fed this thing ever even though they did he looks great. He's very healthy Taking him to the vet tomorrow. Actually, so we'll find out, uh, how healthy he is but um, yeah um Yeah, so he parked up Uh, my dog chase that I have now. He's eight or nine. I can't remember. I think he's eight Eight years old. So he's an old pup and uh, he is not he's not a dog Like I can't even explain. He's not a dog. He doesn't uh, like playing with balls

or dog toys Like none of that. He just likes hanging out with humans. Like he doesn't like hanging out with dogs at all um, if you bring him around dogs, he just kind of The dogs like trying to play with them or whatever and he'll just look up at you like dude Is this guy fucking kidding me right now? What is he doing? He's so annoying. That's what he does He just looks at you like dude get this fucking guy away um So he's a human, you know, but he's gonna have to get used to it because uh charlie's staying for good

He's staying But he's coming around chase They both uh, we're getting along together, but uh, uh chase still won't play with him Like charlie's like a puppy. So, you know, he's jumping around trying to bite his ears and Fucking chase is like dude. If you bite my ear, I'm gonna punch you in the face Or like ram my head into I don't know. I don't know how dogs fight honestly. They bite each other. I don't know Uh, I'm not a dog expert, you know, I'm not seizing Milan You ever watch the dog whisper I want to be that guy so bad because I want to be able to train this dog

Because he's been shitting all over my room. He's actually really good. He sits already if I tell him sit he sits he's good, um but he It's gotta, you know, I can't take him out yet because I don't know if he's had all his shots Like I said, I'm bringing him to the vet tomorrow. So we'll find everything out But I'm not taking him outside yet as a precaution because he could get sick blah blah blah And die right whatever

um So in my room He there's there's a wee wee pad where the dog could relieve himself and um He walks over sniffs it sometimes he pisses on it other times he walks to the side of the room and just pees there And he's like fuck it. I'll just piss anywhere I want whatever So the only thing the only big problem with him is I obviously potty training He's only 10 weeks old

And um, I gotta train him and once I once I'm able to walk him. I'm gonna give him on a nice schedule so that uh You know, it'll be fine, but I only got two hours to sleep last night. This fucking dog was driving me insane I have a cage and I made it homey and you know made it nice for him And uh, he hates it. He doesn't hate it. He's just not used to it, but um I put him in there And he starts crying like crazy. So I just laid in front of it And he kind of calmed down and then he fell asleep

Then I got my bed and he's and then like three hours went by And at this point I'm still like I'm so anxious because all I'm worried about is this dog biting something or finding something or whatever And I've been cleaning this room every day all week like just to be prepared But for some reason I was just so anxious And my heart was just pounding all night. I couldn't sleep couldn't do it. Um, my girlfriend helped me a lot She uh, she's a big help with this shit. She's she's got her mom's got five dogs So she knows like how to handle stuff, but um, yeah He uh, so I was up all night, man. I was freaking out. I was like, oh my god

I just could not sleep for the life of me luckily this morning he uh passed out on my bed and I was able to sleep, but I'm still like just drowsy. I went to the gym and um God now I'm really fucked. I'm really so tired now had no sleep went to the gym dumb move um, don't do that guys don't fucking do that but That's what I did and uh Yeah, man. Now he's upstairs with chase and uh, sammy's up there watching the both of them

While I record this shit 140 in the afternoon and my friends hit me up. Dude, you want to play basketball today? I'm like fuck Yeah, I do So after that, I'm probably going to pass out and die. I might not wake up ever again Charlie will be an orphan. Well, I'm an orphan. He's got the rest of my family to uh, take care of him But yeah, man, I'm gonna pass the fuck out. But last night was an absolute disaster and it just makes me think of like Having an actual kid Like with bait like dude. Oh my god. What a responsibility

Jesus christ. I am not ready for that. I applaud all mothers and fathers You guys are psychotic. I mean, of course. I want kids one day. I'm not one of those people who just does want kids I definitely want kids, but just thinking about it right now. I'm like, oh my god because at least with this dog Yeah, he's gonna piss and shit everywhere You know for like a month or two, but then after that, he's good. You know, I'll have him on a schedule He'll go outside everything be fine. You know what I mean with kids. Oh my god, dude First of all, you're signing up for a lifetime. You got to take care of these kids pay for everything This is what my parents are doing for me, right?

You gotta you sign up for a lifetime and then first of all, they're assholes until they turn like what? Seven or eight then they start like, oh, okay. Now I could kind of figure it out and put my own shoes on But dude seven or eight years You're just on the clock 24 seven. Oh my god What a psychotic thing that we choose to do Oh But of course the pay office is incredible, man

Having kids is great having a dog is great too But god man, that's insanity Having a kid Oh god, I don't know how teenagers Teenagers have kids and they do it. They're strong people man. That must suck I was I want this is the first night and I'm already like, oh, what did I make a mistake? Uh, but I know I didn't I I'm gonna be happy with charlie, but You know, it sucks for the time being

But Jesus man, it's it's rough and I have to put tonight I'm gonna put them in the cage and just let them cry and figure it out Because I think that's what you're supposed to do. I've read a bunch of stuff It's like you gotta let them You know, of course, he's gonna cry because he doesn't want to be separated from you But you gotta let him get used to his fucking surroundings, you know Getting the goddamn cage shit asshole I promise I don't yell at my dog like that. I'm a nice guy

Sometimes, you know, but dogs and I made my dog an instagram. I'm one of those people I did it. I'm the fucking guy who makes his dog an instagram. I'm one of those assholes. Um, why else would I get a dog? I don't understand. Obviously, that's what I got it for to make it an instagram Charlie dot sanagato. He's up there um But yeah, man, it's great I really actually made it because it'll force me to take pictures of them and upload them and then when he's older I'll get to look back

I'd be like, oh look you were small and used to shit all over my room and you were the worst But now you're good. Hopefully that's how it goes You know, it could be worse though uh Yeah, dude. Oh my god. I forgot. Yeah yesterday in my neighborhood Uh, was it yesterday? Yeah yesterday some guy fucking

Goes out Stabs two people And then sets a guy on fire What? Dude, what the f- How does that happen? Why are you so angry? I got two hours of sleep. My dog shit all over my floor. I didn't stab anyone or set anyone on fire

I don't mean to make a joke, but seriously fuck Some people are just out of their minds How the fuck do we let people like this just walk around? That's terrifying Good lord the guy was from my neighborhood and all the stabbings in the uh These the what is that called when you set someone on fire? I don't even know But the um, yeah, it all happened not too far from my house. It's terrifying to think of You know, what if that was like he throws a Molotov cocktail into my front yard lights the lawn on fire cooks both dogs

you know Fucking crazy or he stabs me in the fucking heart God that would suck. That's probably the worst way to die getting stabbed God Because it's probably like falling off your bike Like you know when you're about to fall off your bike and you have that split second Right before you hit the ground like this is going to hurt I'm like you see this the floor in slow motion. You're like

Oh, fuck or like when you burn your hand. It doesn't hurt like right at first, but it's like Like when you burn your hand That's probably what it's like getting stabbed because for a second you got to see the knife and you're like This is going to suck a lot And then the knife goes in you Jesus christ, that's the worst fucking way. I don't know if um The people who got stabbed died. I'm not sure

I hope not Jesus christ. Oh look at the dog. It's going crazy upstairs. Someone knocked on the door Shannon's probably getting another fucking delivery. This chick she gets deliveries every day literally every maybe twice a day Comes in she gets on a oh it's a pack of the socks. It's a bag. It's a fucking I don't know toys for her job a book Fucking no she buys. I don't know key chains Jesus christ. It's not 1999 get rid of the key chains She has four she looks like a janitor her keys are like insane

She got this one thing. I think it's from victoria's secret or like gucci or one of these places It's like a padlock, but it's like in the shape of a purse, but it's like gold. It's not gold But it's painted gold and it's fucking huge. I'm like, why do you need this on your fucking keys? Jesus get like a rabbit's foot something light not this heavy ass padlock Yes psycho Jesus she could probably beat the shit out of someone with her keys. I have two keys I don't even I have one key a key to the front. I know I have two keys I have a car key house key

And this tag so I can scan to get into my gym. That is all is all my keys. I don't plan on adding anything That's all that's all I need house car gym. What the fuck else do I need keys for? There's only one entrance to my house I don't need a back door side exit all this shit underground top the roof entrance. I don't need any of that How do you have so many keys? but Yeah, I'm losing my fucking mind here Yeah, um and tomorrow

So I as I said, I'm taking my dogs to uh the vet Tomorrow at 10 30 and I called them and I've never spoken to a vet before so I was like I need a physical checkup. I don't fucking know and she's like Hey, what's up? You're an idiot. Obviously. What the fuck just do you have a dog? I'm like, yeah No, but um, I didn't know what to say. I was like, hey, I just got a new dog I want him to come in and be seen and then she says this she goes. Yeah, um Just bring him in tomorrow at 10 30 Bring his paperwork and a stool sample

I'm like fuck So now I have to bag this dog's shit Into a ziploc And walk around with it Bring it in here. Here's your bag of shit lady Yeah How the fuck oh god, that's so gross dude dog shit is

awful I can't even describe How bad I think if I ever stepped in Like In my own home like, you know what I mean like wearing socks if I ever accidentally stepped in dog shit Oh That would be the end of me. Dude. It's so warm and squishy I don't it's like stepping on like a hot like a like a hot calo caterpillar. I don't know

No, that's a probably an awful example. I don't I'm stupid right now two hours of sleep. Give me a fucking break hot caterpillar Is all I could come up with all right. Fuck you But it would ruin my day dude and it stinks. Oh Oh, it stinks. I wonder if I shit on the ground if it would stink that bad You know Because when when humans when we take shit it goes right into water You know, I'm sure the water, you know disguises some of the smell both dogs. They're just leaving it

And it's fucking I don't I have like a strong I have like a strong stomach. I don't like gag if I smell something um Gross, but dude talk shit. It's gonna get me one day one day I'm gonna get too close And this the smells is gonna go right into my nostrils and I'm just gonna throw up on it And it's just It's gonna just be the worst day of my life, man. Oh god. I can't wait until he's trained

I'm trying every day. He sits, you know, I'm trying to teach him stay Trying to teach him come uh, you know The basics Uh But man, this is like a workout. I'm tired dude talking makes me exhausted. I'm breathing heavy over here It sucks. I'm so tired and it's one day. I'm a little bitch people raise children. They don't sleep for years Your whole life changes

I only got a couple months of this and then you know, he'll figure it out. Hopefully god This if he doesn't oh god, I don't know Who knows I'll never give up on my dog never do it never It's terrible like when people like just take their dog and like Put like a food dish in front of it and tie it to a pole like dude. You're the worst person ever ever The worst person ever and a lot of people were giving me shit

Like on the facebook page and like I don't really give a fuck but the reason why I didn't adopt or rescue A dog I bought my dog from a breeder the reason why I didn't I'd do that because I have Chase and like I said chase is not a social dog. He's not like He's not like me and he's not going to attack anyone but he's very passive and you know He doesn't like confrontation and the last thing I need is to get a dog and rescue it and put him in a home where There's another passive dog because if he's You know those dogs they have certain things like they have problems where

You know, I don't someone shuts the lights and starts freaking out and a bite my bite chase or something like that Like I didn't I didn't want to take the risk with that. You know what I mean? It's already it's already tough to bring a new dog in here after eight years of being here by himself chase Um, I bring a new dog in here and just you know try to adapt to that So I figured you know, let me just get a dog from a breeder and I'll just um Raise him From a young age and you know there's I know he's been taking good care of when he's Obviously with a breeder

So, you know, there's a less chance of that happening and that's why I did that Uh My sister she she knows she knows me. I'm a huge dog fan. Oh god. I love dogs. Seriously. This is all I've ever wanted I actually posted a picture on instagram like 150 weeks ago And it's of a little dog that looks like charlie and I was like I would chop my dick off for this dog And now I got him so it's like this is exactly what I want but The reason why I'm saying that

is because um I don't know. I actually don't know where I was going with that but uh, that's why I didn't like rescue a dog But oh like I was oh, this is what I was gonna say my sister knows that like if I walk into a pet store I'm Taking one, you know what I mean if I went to a shelter I might take four You know what I mean? I love dogs and I would love to rescue them, but I did it I didn't rescue any dogs for my

For chase's sake, you know, I didn't want to have a dog that had certain Issues maybe had issues with another dog and they were be violent towards each other. That's the last thing I wanted man That's just more like problems. I didn't want to do that. So I was like, you know what? Let me just whatever and uh, and someone gave me a whole big speech about how I'm supporting puppy mills or something like that, dude I don't Sorry, I like I don't know any of that shit. That's not like

Common knowledge. I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted a dog that didn't have any previous problems Um, so that everything would go smoothly here. That's all I'm trying to do run a nice smooth ship As they say no one says that I say that so they say it. Okay? Um But yeah, I want to try and Shoot a video tomorrow. I honestly have run out of ideas completely and People are always saying she's like, oh dude do two a week one a week's not enough

And I'm like, dude, I would love to do two a week love it It would be great more money and people get entertained and more content for people to see But fuck it is so hard coming up with things I've suck. I suck guys. I suck. I mean, I'm sure I'll figure it out But uh, yeah, it's tough coming up with ideas and I'm fresh out I've been fresh out for a while, but I'm actually fresh out now Luckily, I have certain series that people enjoy and I can always bring them back But I'm not just going to do them consecutively and just you know

Burn them out and then I was like, all right. Yeah, we've seen this every fucking two weeks. You put the shit out We get it. You're stop stopping. So it's what I'm trying to avoid But um, yeah, I kind of have an idea of what I want to do Um for tomorrow But I still have to work everything out and see if I can actually do it But yeah, I'm gonna try and do it. Obviously, I'll have something out tomorrow For sure Can't promise that you won't hear a dog barking in the background the whole time because I'm gonna just lock my dog in my kitchen

Which is right above my room and um Yeah, just let them roam around there because I can't have them down here He'll just bite my ankles or something or just I'll be nervous that he'll turn around and You know, whatever take a dump while I'm filming. That's the last thing I need throw up on camera. I don't know But yeah, man, that was my first day of fatherhood Um, I'm a father now I'm gonna make that the the title of this

and like people who don't Follow me that hard on social media and don't know that I have a dog. They'll be like, what this kid? Has he has a child now? So, yeah, they'll be like, oh, I gotta listen to this. Maybe I'll just throw those views up You know what I mean be one of those youtubers that has a misleading title. So people click on it like oh my god sexual Fucking, I don't know. They have where gold digger prank gone sexual blowjob prank

something like that but this one's gonna be my first day of fatherhood and We'll see we'll see who clicks on it. We'll see how the views go, you know, but yeah, um If you guys are interested in sports, I do have a sports podcast called veterans minimum Uh, it's run by me and three of my buddies of four of my buddies actually And we just talk shit and talk about sports and we give you know advice when fantasy comes around some gambling stuff

We always give a couple bets um on every show But yeah, if you're into sports, uh, subscribe to that. It's on itunes and soundcloud called veterans minimum I'm also on a another podcast called invasion of privacy me and a female comedian kate wolf We do that. We talk about some serious topics. We talk about some whatever topics talk about one-eyed stands and shit like that It's fun. We always have guests there. So it's not just me. There's a bunch of people We uh who get to throw ideas off each other and usually they're comedians. So it's like, you know, it's a good time Uh, yeah, those are the podcasts that I'm on and also subscribe to this one. It's on itunes and soundcloud also Obviously, you're listening to it. Oh god. I'm fucking. I'm tired. I'm sorry guys

Uh, but yeah, that's it and as always. Thanks for listening. Yeah, motherfuckers