The Basement Yard - Podcasting With My Siblings (Disaster)

Episode Date: September 16, 2015

I sat down with my brothers and sister to talk about god knows what. Feel free to follow them on social media. @KeithSantagato @TomSantagato & @ShannonSantagato. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Shut your phone off. What is this man movie theater rules put your phone on vibrate when we're podcasting movie theater Okay, welcome to the basement yard episode two. I've got my brothers and sister with me. This is gonna be a fucking disaster Can you fucking back off the mic if you're gonna scream? That's my bad I'm deaf now anyway, and so is everyone else who's fucking listening to this Yeah, but Shen listen so what we're no one listens Talking about cuz I just put out a video tonight. It's Tuesday night Me and Thomas are drinking Ying Ling's Keith's got a whole jar of water So and Shannon just sitting there with her bad attitude. Yeah, she wants to kill us. Anyway, I'm tired

Why the fuck are you here? Listen? I just put out a video and in it Demi Lovato is like overseas and the reporter asks her. What's your favorite dish and she said I? Like mugs, you know because they they fit in your hand and they're in She said And they hold they hold hot stuff mugs so that you don't have to hold the hot stuff And that's good. She went she like talked about mugs for like a good she basically explained what a mug fucking does Do you know that there's all this stuff about how she could possibly be bisexual? Who cares? No, but this isn't everybody bisexual in Hollywood. I can't wait for Joey to get famous and all of a sudden I find out he's bisexual

John Travolta wasn't he like sneaking handjobs from like no he was he was he was he was paying him Massuse for happy endings. I thought you said I'm begging us for that. No, no, he wasn't banging up But listen, there's banging this masseuse right remember what you're gonna say, but did John Travolta Get jerked off or jerk off a guy. I think it's a massage and then jerks off the masseuse Like y'all you did such a great job, I'll give you the I don't even know what you get out of jerking a dude off like I don't know. I don't do it either You're disgusting

Just done for the night now. He'll never say anything. You know what's gonna happen He's gonna revisit that joke like ten times in this whole thing. All right, so what are you gonna? Are hj's even a thing anymore? Keep don't spill water everywhere. Have you spilled water on that Mike? Hj's do people even do that. That's not a thing. Surely do. What are you talking about freshman year? Yeah, like If you get a handjob, it's like it's like nothing happened you just like it's worse than first base Wait, no, I don't even know the bases. Here's what you have to understand. Hj's still take place, but full hj's Don't take place. That's what I yeah, like you're not like. Oh Yeah, just keep going

You got it. Never mind. I don't know whatever the rest whatever else we're gonna do. Just forget about it This is amazing. This is good for me. I'm good here. I was kind of tired anyway So regarding Demi Lovato, I heard this on the radio this morning and I was like Bisexual like first of all I heard that and I was like, alright, I don't care Whatever it's just another celebrity gossip thing, but then they were talking about her song cool for the summer Have you listened to the lyrics? It's definitely about her being with a girl. Great. I haven't heard it You have to look up the lyrics No, yeah, but think about it. What's she saying? Have you ever looked up the lyrics to Trap Queen? The hell is that all about?

Look up the lyrics right now. I'm telling you about drugs. I'm pretty sure if I met a girl and I introduced her to my stove She'd be pissed I'm like, hey, how you doing? My friend Ariel thought the song was sweet and it was about like a housewife I'm like Ariel cooking pies means like crack. I'm like, it's not like apple pies and she's like, oh my god I'm so sad now. Like she thought it was like a love song. That's so why I listen to a song on the way home today that Damn it. This is gonna go nowhere But it's gonna suck the lyrics are like a guy singing about a girl and then it's a guy singing about a guy

Oh, um The great big world song we hold each other. Yes, exactly, right I've never heard this but it's like it starts with like he's holding her and then he's holding he no I Song is about how we should just accept everybody. I agree. Okay. I mean, I just I mean whatever. I haven't heard it Anyway, so I got these lyrics here. Yeah, read read. It says about being a let me tell me what you want what you like It's okay. I'm a little curious too none of that rhymed. I don't know how She's basically just reading out of her diary. Tell me if it's wrong if it's right. I don't care. I can keep a secret. Could you?

See, hold on hold on. That's basically like let's scissor. Let's not tell anyone Did she write this after she said the mug thing or before? Okay? First of all, she says Got my mind on your body and your body on my mind got a taste for the cherry. Okay, I just need to take a bite I wouldn't recommend that. I wouldn't hurt. You know, ease up with the teeth. Don't tell your mother kiss one another Die for each other. We're cool for the summer. Hold on. What she's saying. Is that a minor for the summer? I Think that's more common than you think. I'm gonna be honest. Tell me if I won if I did what's my prize

I just want to play with you, too. Even if they judge fuck it all do it all the time I just want to have fun with you. Yo, these lyrics are terrible. I have a question and you send them terribly I think she just turned 23 Demi Lovato. Yeah, it was just her birthday. All right. Let me hit that Google real quick very she's getting very exploratory No, but I know that age Interview and I heard it on another station. They had a whole and they were asking her about the lyrics of the song and she's 23 Yeah, and she was saying she was like Not denying anything and like then somebody insinuated that she's

Experimented before and she made it seem like she hasn't stopped Experimenting she's been with this will deval d'orama. Whatever the hell Wilmer who's Wilmer? That's one of the worst in that 70 show. She's been dating Oh, like years, right, but really he's probably getting three sums out the yin yang That's what I mean. So that she probably does stuff with girls all the time Would you care if you would you date a girl who was also hooking up with chicks? Wait, I'm he was hooking up with chicks. Would you be okay with that? No, like on the side I'd feel like is my dick that terrible?

Yeah, it's about your dick. Well, I feel like why am I not satisfying you enough that you need like I just need no She's just got animal urges. She's got an animal urges that you can't satisfy. I don't think I would I Don't know the cliche guy thing would be like I'm in there, bro But I don't I don't know I feel like after all I'd be like, all right You said you said you were gonna come over and now you're at Allison's house. I don't know Allison don't tell your mother that song's so good, but the lyrics are so bad When she says don't tell your mother it sounds like she's

With a minor Keith you have a mother. You're not a minor Everyone's got a mother do what I'm saying man. It's a lot of teachers fucking little kids You're my that had nothing to do with what we were talking about you know what I'm saying there's You're right. I do know what you're saying Matt do by the way, how about that Keith? I'm glad you brought that up Yo, honestly like it may be 20 cases in five months of Female teachers banging their 16-year-old smoke to yeah Not I know I wouldn't say sorry. Maybe not a smoke. Remember South Park nice

No, yeah, but these these these women these married women you're married with kids and you're like fuck it Yo, 16 years old. What's up? That's why you know why that's they got married when they were 23 like an idiot probably But still it's no excuse to be like I'm just gonna bang a 16-year-old He's on the basketball team right now for me, but I bet you now it starts to dwindle that tinder is becoming more popular It's more mainstream Yeah, closer. Yeah, I think that the issue with that like the reason that happens with women and like their 16-year-old Hot students or whatever is because I think 16 year olds are hot You judging them

No, I think it's because of like a power thing like they feel Like he's bad in class, so she's gonna teach him a lesson Like a porno. So you got detention. I'm gonna wear a skirt. No underwear. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you No, I'm thinking it has and I'm not gonna shave. This is gonna be old-school Lesson no, but I understand what you're saying It has to do with power and also with the attention they like the attention because think about it like a 16-year-old Like oh, I could get this older woman like they don't give a shit They just want to get laid, but like the older woman. She's married. She's with the same old guy

But she likes the attention from a younger guy makes her think she still got it. So she gets swept up in it Man, you know, I feel like just knowing you can seriously right just do it an 18-year-old not a 16-year-old In college are okay, but you know, it's teachers got their masters and they can't figure that out Can we talk about like statutory rape because she's just 85 I don't know what statutory means I know keep that was terrible Better go upstairs. I'm gonna go take a lap

It's the fact that like an adult has sex with a minor, right? But even if it's consensual still considered rape and I don't understand that because there's like free will and obviously it was They're not old enough to make that decision. Yeah, like why because they can be easily influenced, but they can drive a car You know, so that have to do like I just feel like it's so what age is the cut off? 18 which is where they can join the military. I'm aware of that, but I'm saying to you. I Don't know. I just the whole thing like there becomes blurry lines where like in high school Let's say a freshman and a senior are dating and then the senior goes off to college Whatever when he's 21 his girlfriend is still 17 and that's considered statutory rape, right? Yeah, and I feel like that's silly

No, it's not silly. No Listen in American society we have deemed the year We have deemed 18 years of age as the age 17 in New York Alright fine, but that's that's the age where It's like the cutoff to anything that you can if you make a decision to do something that can be detrimental to your health or your future It's like you can't make that decision until after year 17. You can't smoke. You can't drink You can't drive a car. You can't join the military. You can't do anything. You're still, you know in that right category You're a minor and so and also like how do you rape a guy?

If you're a woman It's nudes, but like boners are like they happen because the class the dumbest thing But boners happen No, but think about it like you can rape a girl because she can blatantly not want to have sex with you Right a guy gets a boner. It means he's into it. Do you get a bone necessarily? Oh, yeah Dude, I got a boner on the bus like every day. I get a boner. I can't random boners like No, but he gets boners when he's getting a massage I don't have one of those things. I don't know. No, but she really wants one

You can get random, but first of all people are probably gonna flip out. It's your ignorance Shannon The internet sucks me it's stupid, but anyway, you're a bitch No one likes people like you listen, this is what I'm saying And everyone loves Keith because everyone loves an idiot Listen, I'm sweating by the way Real hot under these lights I never wear a shirt Did you ever tell the podcast audience where you got the name for your podcast from no, I didn't I think

I was gonna wait for mom to say that but whatever, but that would be cute. Yeah, should I Can't fucking do it now It's not even a good story. Yeah, it's like a fucking two minutes and I are just leading us on We could go get her Keith go get her there She's just upstairs binge watching Ray Donovan. You get her first of all Ray Donovan one of the best shows ever No, the don't talk about it because I haven't watched it and I don't have a second Did you know where do you have? No, I have you don't have a square to spare. I have like It was a Seinfeld reference for all you young ins

Great show. What was I gonna say? I Have like five episodes left of Breaking Bad It is the craziest show ever if you haven't watched overrated It's really good. It's like maybe it starts off slow and it's like a really long the first three up the first The first three seasons is slow and then after that. It's like holy fuck crazy But like I just I'm so emotionally involved like Vin said that he almost shed a tear when the show is over All right, that's ridiculous and you're dating him. I have a question Go ahead

Keith I love when questions start like that. Damn it. If you are famous. Here we go What is the first giant purchase that you're making you have tons of money you could buy whatever you want What's the first thing you're buying and why? You know what doesn't have to be a giant purchase you have right you have all the money It could be like six Twinkies Which is a weird number, but go ahead so many come in a box don't like catch a nosebleed and think about It's corny

Are you gonna buy someone flowers? It's he it's not even like a funny answer. Okay. Good. Let's hear it. We'll make fun of it Because uh Was it because mom like you know, obviously we're moving in like two years, right mom wants to come back to this house Right, so you'd buy her the house. Yes, you know, you'd be buying it for me You'd be buying it from all of us including yourself Keith you don't have to rebuy You're on the deed Congratulations your homeowner

My taxes in any way let's not even get into this shit you're like ten million dollars in Texas Okay, so Keith you would buy the house that you live in so you could continue to live in the room Cuz mom told me she's always she wants to live in this house till she goes till she croaks. Yeah, Joe. She's dead Joey same question to you first thing I buy like a big dumb thing. Yep I'll let you go. No, like how I'll let you finish. How much money? Whatever you want. You have a hundred million dollars That's not like Kidding I so badly want a private jet, but that's not a hundred million dollars. I don't think I can get a jet, right?

Yeah, can you? Yeah, you can get a jet for two million dollars. You can't own a private jet You can own a private jet for two million Yeah, you gotta like gas it up. Yeah Gassing it up is expensive and all that. I gotta start making more videos, huh? A hundred million I think you're good. All right. Well, that's what I want to do It's a private jet. There's not one fucking seat on it. Are we invited? Who else is an asshole? There's one seat. Who else am I gonna bring on this jet? It's on my bucket list like one day I'm just gonna spend stupid money

Like I'm like stupid amount just so I could fly in a private jet. I've been there, but you're gonna bring us, right? Yeah, I mean I'm gonna pay for all your tickets You're not gonna like go with hey Nick day is and like leave us home Listen, what the fuck when you own a private jet. You don't need tickets. You just bring as many people as you could fit I'm not saying that I'm saying now in like a whatever one day. I want like there's certain pilot gas that fucker up We're leaving You be hammered if you go We're crashing as fucker in the ocean like you can say something like crazy. All right, we're going

Yeah, yeah, totally. Do you have to pay the pilot? Does that come out of your pockets? No pilots No, let's actually pay you. Yeah, they say free. Let me fly your private jet. How does that work? You just get a pilot like I'm pretty sure you have to pay them. Here's how it works I'll fly you buy a plane for X amount of dollars Then you have to pay for a hangar to keep it in then you got to pay for the gas that goes in it and you have to pay For a pilot pilot to fly and a stewardess This guy's 10,000 this guy's 15. How the fuck is he 20 you can like they're listed on eBay Pilot and a stewardess. I hope he's not crazy and then you know, you don't need a stewardess

It's a lot of fucking money, man. You could just ask you to get you whatever you want. No, I know I'm just saying If I'm not invited on this crazy But it's not it's like it's a dream But I'm saying the bucket list portion of it is me just like because you could just buy a ticket and rent a plane Holy shit Guys I can't burp it's something that I can't do me. Yeah, you mentioned that I think I mentioned that before yeah, I did All right, but like the other

Double before You'll double what would you buy me? Well, I know I Would buy a treehouse Like a sick tree house Listen, you want to buy the Hawaiian tree house Wait, where were all those they follow you follow me on Instagram where the street house B What where the tree house B on the beach which beach? Oh

Jones Beach like no Coney Island tree house is Coney Island the fucking war it's probably cause 10 bucks No, I was giving those away I would want one of those sick like tree house masters tree houses built by Pete Nelson himself. Yeah on the beach in a tree overlook of the ocean That's it. That's pretty much it. Yeah. This is so you guys know and you know by his show He really doesn't build them. He just goes and sees other tree houses Yeah, because he's such a boss

Build tree houses or like contractor what it is like he builds tree houses shan Whatever he wants to be he can be he said he doesn't actually build them. It's a joke Like they just incorporate like another tree house It's like in the area and he always like goes visits them. No, but listen he visits tree house Just so you guys and he gets paid for it. Just so you guys get a sense of who Thomas is He went through a ton of phases. This guy had a he had a bed in the basement of our house and He bought a fucking hammock and and put the hammock up

It barely fit in the room and he would sleep in the hammock instead of the bed That's the hammock was next to the bed. Okay, but just clarify that the bed wasn't a bed. It was a broken futon Worked for a I I was basically sleeping in a hammock Well, that's what you get for going away to college for five years. You come back without a room So and then he bought a fucking draw like an African drum still have it Still know how to play it like it's like a like he was wearing a poncho Playing a fucking. What's that shit called? Yeah, how many chicks I got with that thing? What to ridiculous to? And a half one was a midget. Oh

He bought a ukulele and you still have that too. Yeah never touched it still in the box That's because Joey broke it. I didn't try to be hilarious one day ukulele He smashed it. Do you guys know he completely made this up? Everything's bad like he wouldn't cheers with a water glass You heard that from me at a wedding. You're not supposed to toast with this isn't a wedding This isn't a wedding. I mean in general. You're not supposed to toast with water. It's bad luck. Seven people listening to this. It's the basement yard, Tom Seven people. That's why I always forced down the champagne at weddings like just because

I don't want to be here anymore Look I was gonna say something I told you you're talking about me and how great I am Fucking know what I was gonna say man. I had an African drum a gembe which I still have the ukulele All the ukulele. I start. No, I don't have a Play one. I saw Monica. No, what are you? That would be sick. You know does have a harmonica survivor man feeling. Oh, yeah, by the way You should get Ken Feeley blacked out on podcast. It'll be the funniest thing you've ever heard in your life You need here's what you need on the podcast you need Ken Feeley drunk and Chris Zambrano

No, no Matt triumfo. Just just being himself and that's it Joey's not out of nobody just I'm too talking Dude, by the way with the ukulele I found that in the basement one day and I tweeted that I was gonna teach myself how to play that lasted about 23 minutes. Yeah, see like I had a similar thing except I actually purchased one and then one by the time it got here I was already over it. Yeah, it's bad. It's you know, it's funnier than that. There's four strings and it's fucking difficult It's really hard. You know what's funny. It's not even tuned So that's probably why also I bought a tuner. Have you ever heard Allison play the ukulele and sing? It's amazing

She's amazing. You mean the girl that Sammy's hooking up with? No, our cousin. She's really good. She's hooking up with our cousin Damn it. That's god damn it. You can't even get involved Fucking you're just so Shannon. What would you buy? What's your purchase? It has to be one thing you can't buy I'd buy every Louis bag Ever well, I'm mark Jacobs. I probably immediately go to Chanel Just because that's just like that's where you would go and you could probably buy the fucking store Yeah, you could just buy a whole store. I would be so overwhelmed. I wouldn't know what to do

I mean, obviously I'd pay all my college loan debt because all right. That's like that would be like you give me a dollar right now Yeah, you have a hundred million dollars million dollars. I would buy my dream colonial home There you go. I thought you said like cologne. I was gonna slap this Surprisingly world peace after a home in the suburbs in a beautiful school district And I would be a stay-at-home mom for the rest of my life. That's good. That's the dream That's boring your dream is a stay-at-home mom. That's the complete opposite of my dream. I don't want to work anymore She just started working about like a little like three weeks ago. No, it's And it's very hard I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally drained. It's not working right now

Yeah, we know what a joke seriously when I came home me and I know yesterday and you and Sammy We're just like sleeping on the couch. I was like, I hate my life I couldn't even see that because I have a real job. I have a real job I had a real job and then I was like fuck this I'm out and then I cursed because I'm cool Awesome I should be in bed. I normally would have been in bed. We're all sweating. I'm sweating There's I need to take a bath. I have swamp ass like you wouldn't believe shit

I gotta I gotta take a I take a tub. Take a bath. Take a tub. Who takes tubs now Keith Seriously You know I did that because I could y'all to be honest laying your own field. I tried to take a tub It's take a bath. I just want you to like I'm just kidding. Well, I take tubs. All right. I take them. I steal them. That's like that's like I have to toilet That's like I have to toilet. I gotta flush

I got a toilet now I might just start saying that now I got a toilet so bad You should have seen the size of the toilet I took the other day He immediately turned into a boston accent That toilet that fucking toilet You just farted into the mic. You farted into the mic. I do that, but I'd shit everywhere Yeah, you're cooking forts down here, man

I got a shower again. This is insane. I can't turn the a c on because you can hear what the fuck was I talking about? Oh Taking a taking a tub again Taking a giant toilet. Okay Last time I took a bath because you know our fucking What is it called? bathtub Yeah, it's a tuffy. Yeah, our bathtub takes a century to fucking fill it up

Filled it up got in it and I just immediately got out. I was like, oh fuck this I got out Drained all the water took a shower like I just can't do it. Well every time I take a bath I take a shower afterwards. What every time I take a bath. I take a shower afterwards. I'm not a fucking idiot like I take a I take a bath because like Because I'm I don't know you should have been there when uh, I feel like I had really bad sunburn and uh Mom made me a bath, but it was green tea The whole whole thing was green. How many bags did she put in? I have no idea. It's probably like a box No

Dude, it was a lot. It was green. I had to get in it because I had like severe burns on my back This is great. And I couldn't wear a shirt for like a week. Oh, yeah, he had blisters. Where was I? I have fucking freckles on my back still from that still from that day I think it was like two summers ago or something. No, I went to the air show I remember there was that we have one friend. Uh, what was it at Jones Beach? We have one friend that he's really really white and he wore a A wife beater to the beach and he got burned so bad that it like stuck to his body. They had to cut it off Oh my god. Yeah, they had to cut it off. Remember Ralph's like, can you rub sunscreen in my back?

And you're like, I feel like I was rubbing raw meat Yeah, what? No, Robbie had fucking terrible sunburn. Just rubbing this thing. It's like hamburger meat It was nice. Anyway You're getting blown up over there. You gotta What got some chicks? Tom's is probably heavily on tinder. What? How many dating uh after you have? At the moment

zero Bullshit, I'm off it man. You're off the dating end. What about tindi when I was on tinder in like a year? I said when I was on tinder you were on tinder Yeah, dude, it's the greatest thing ever first of all when I was on tinder. I swear to god I would always put the miles to 30 The age from 30 to 55 Wow, yeah 55 30 to 55 mom. Yeah What's the date mom?

30 to 55 and I would just swipe yes to everyone. That's a hand job waiting because What? They were a thing. What a hand job Here's a nickel A hand job and a nickel No, but let me tell you how to actually use tinder. Okay You go out into a bar you set the radius as close as you can get it And you just swipe right to everybody and if you happen to catch somebody nearby

You ask them where they are and you go and find them. Yeah, that's so creepy. Yeah, that's like just watching you This whole record. I've never done that. That's literally like fishing like throwing blood into the water and seeing sharks Trying to catch them. It's ridiculous One time I had a girl. This was actually on tinder a girl messaged me And invite like literally like didn't even say hi. She's like tix. She's like, hey, you want to come over? I'm like, what? She's like, yeah, like you want to come over and have sex? She didn't say that So I was like, where do you live?

Do you want to come over and have sex? She never said that but uh, no, she didn't use that word Right, but she said you want to bake some brownies. She basically told me do you want to come over and have sex? So I was like, well, where do you live? No, I'm kidding. So she told me where she lived. I was like, okay And I I just like talked my way out of it But I think after a while she started to get a sense that that I was like messing with her And she was like, I don't understand you guys like isn't this what tinder is for like I'm on here Like I'm hot. I invite you over to have sex and know what now you're gonna tell me no and I was like, okay, black

Oh my god, that is so like those there's people out there. They exist. They're real Dude, you know, that's how you end up in the next hostile movie A lot of a lot of dudes would be like, dude, that's what I'm looking for but like I feel like that's that's like that's terrifying Yeah, immediately. She's like suck sex right now. Here's like, what's the thing that I always say about these stupid dating apps, right? Now granted, I've gone out with girls on these from these apps, right? Just dates, you know innocent, whatever But I always thought of you like this like if I'm a girl like that's incredibly terrifying Like you're meeting a stranger like I could be anybody, right? Like this person can overpower you like I'm a guy

I'm not a big guy, but I'm a guy and I can handle myself and I feel like no matter what this girl looks like Like if she was to like come at me like I could get away. You know what I mean? Like I could like Maybe I can't beat her up, but I could get away. I'm an Olympic athlete You know what I mean? But like if you're a girl and like some guy just shows up and he's way bigger than you and he just like Rips you into an alleyway. What are you gonna do? Yeah, that's fucking that's it's terrible That's why Who agrees to go out with me is brave and they deserve, you know two gold stars just for that. Yeah, dude

That's fucking terrible, man. I've heard I've heard of people like when they go on tinder dates. They have their friends like Kind of spy and show up in the background and make sure that it's going cool and I have to you man. That's nuts Do you just burp or like hiccup you jealous Joe? What I am I can't burp I just fart all day. It's crazy. We know It's crazy. It's it's kind of wild. The same is like totally, you know, okay with it because it's she's not No, I think she is how long you guys been dating? Uh like 10 months. Yeah

She's gonna get to about 12 months and go all of a sudden, you know, it's not funny like it's gross Seriously, I had a girlfriend We dated for like two years and when I would fart it would be funny until it reached 12 months and then it was like you're fucking gross seriously like stop. Yeah, like I don't think it's funny I mean, dude, I was like, whoa, you changed your tune overnight honeymoon Jesus relax. It's just Oh Was that a fart he shit his pants that sounded like the predator there is poop in there

Dude, that was the fucking going. I heard it. There was more Keith stop it. I'm sitting right here. That was like the wettest fart. I've ever heard. Oh, dude Oh, I could eat it. I'm eating it right now. That's terrible Why are you eating my mouth? That's why I'm talking and it gets in. Oh my god Yeah, you know what it smells like like an it smells like like an old string cheese How do you know I can just love that out in the sun like that's what it smells like. Oh my god. Oh god, Keith That came from deep inside That was like a hot dog you ate in 1996 my that fart whistled. It was bubbling

That's what it sounds like when our dad farts I gotta have dad on this so bad Because that'll be a fucking mess What remotely Just just bad I can just see it now My dad's got the biggest fucking mouth and I'm not saying that like in the in the Saying I'm saying like physically his mouth is enormous and he'd swallow the microphone

What his head is enormous. Yeah, he's just his body's enormous His tongue is splitting into two because it's so enormous What are you staring at Shannon? What does that say Anurka? America He thought it said anarchy you cannot read it says anurka I said anarchy. There's a there's a whiteboard in my room and I told Keith to write his signature because his signature is like that of a second grader who just learned cursive And that's exactly what it is. But it was third grade

I learned cursive in third and it's been the same ever since great Next I think it was a girl named Janet that taught me how to do the k What did you banger? Yeah, it's third grade. Just give him an hj. Yeah, teach today a whole pass I miss elementary school. Oh, shit. That was when I was in the modules. Yo Yo We got air conditioners. Dude, I remember in third grade

uh David threw up On the desk in front of me and I was sitting next to this girl tiffani wong Then she ran So I had to take him to the nurse's office and the nurse was and I'm guessing kids fake sick all the time. Whatever. So we get there and then she's like, what's wrong? And uh, I'm like, he doesn't feel good and she's like, oh, so she goes to him. She goes, what's wrong?

and he's like I don't I don't I don't feel good. She goes, I don't believe you He fucking threw up right there in the nurse's office. It was the it was the greatest thing. Oh, man I've told that story in mad times and I I saw david not too long ago and I brought it up to him He was like, yeah, he like threw up. They look like fucking. Okay. Can we not I'm having an anxiety attack I can't even think of I can't remember when you had to pick me up because I had to get stitches on my uh Was a vibe, bro. Yes. I do. I'm my cack Don't use that word quack

I hate quack You stitches use any other word. I hate that word peepee yeah I'm talking in a blossom accent. I need to make a video like that like a dude like a dude who's a dude who's like really bad at uh Like dirty talk like dirty talk like the whole video would be me Hada and some girl like to the beginning of ted. No, but I'm like my peepee Just like shit like that. How funny would that be like a it would be like a sketch though

It would be like me like fake banging a girl And uh, I don't want to watch that mom's not gonna want to watch. Oh, you like this peepee All her friends watch his videos like they put him on in the office. That's so weird That's not my fault. One time my boss was like my wife's pissed at me. I'm like, why he's like Because I was blessing your brother's videos in bed all night I thought blasting was like soon she got to there. I thought it was gonna be way different because I was Blaster Right in the fucking a

Wicked hat. Joe. How do you fucking sit like this one time? Uh, my boss when I worked for the pizzeria Uh, my boss comes my boss. Uh, yeah, I used to deliver pizzas. I have tons of stories by the way My boss talking about the other side shut the fuck up. So I uh My boss he goes joke. Come here. So I walk over to him and he goes, let me ask you a question I thought he was gonna fire me and I was like, it's up and he goes He goes You ever like He goes he goes

Because you ever like You ever cut a fart in a girl's face when she's when she's going down on you and I said, all right. See you later, Rob All right, that's enough. I just walked away from him. He asked what he asked me I thought you guys have a completely different reaction. I have you I don't think we were expecting that at all. Ask me if I farted in a girl's face Nope, hasn't that hasn't happened yet. Did you tell him the truth that a girl's never actually done that to you? Yeah, no one's ever touched my body. Strictly hand jobs Hj's only. Do you guys know the story about when I was delivering and I delivered to this guy?

I bring his doorbelly comes out and he's wearing the shirt that's obviously too fucking small for this guy He's not like a fat dude, but he's on the husky side and he's wearing a shirt that says I heart and then in sparkle It says Guido's He's a gay man for those of you who are so he ordered pizza and answered the door and it's sure too small. It said I Love sparkle Guido's, right? So, uh, I'm like, all right, whatever, you know, that's cool. I delivered to weir people So I'm like, what's up? I was like, here's your your pizza. It's this much money. He goes, okay

He has a bunch of money in his hand and he goes to hand it to me and he drops it So me and him just like look at each other and I'm like He doesn't even like attack like if you drop something you attempt to go get it's yours You attempt to go get it. He just stared at me and I was like, I guess I'm getting this It was basically something this so I got it and he like giggled and I gave him his pizza and fucking Got in my car and washed my hands Got back took a shower and uh, it was so fucking weird. How many people are gonna like Be pissed and say that you have an issue with the fact that he was gay because you're saying no

I have an issue with the fact that he dropped the money on purpose And then made me get it and then his crotch ever so slowly got closer to your face. I felt the heat from his dick There's another time this guy speaking of which you should feel the heat coming off of my dick Because it's hot as hell down here. Yeah You're crowning crowning. Oh, you got a shit. Yeah still I'll hold it. I thought you just went Sounded like you did There was another time I delivered to this guy and he had a every time he

Opened the every time I delivered to him like four times since like since I was working there every time he would answer the door In tidy whiteies and like sweating I'm not sweating. I swear to god. I swear to god. It was like he was But like how do you know so he I don't know it was weird. It was like Listen, he had no shame. He's like what I am sweating. I'm in my tidy whiteies. Thank you for my fucking pot Here's the deal man. This is what you have to understand pizza is kind of fattening. All right, and when You order pizza you have to burn off those calories

So you can either do it afterwards or you do beforehand and you know what when you're exercising I know about you guys but when I exercise I get a little warm and sometimes you got to shift down to your tidy whiteies So now you're sweating. You're in your tidy whiteies. Pizza comes. Boom. You already took care of the workout Now you just eat and you relax anyone who's still wearing tidy whiteies You got to figure it out. I got I'm gonna be honest with you. I thought about going back He's gonna bring it back y'all. He's not gonna. I brought back the v-neck. That worked like a charm The right scooter you didn't break back the scooter

I did not like I brought back the v-neck dude. I brought back visors for like a whole summer You it was sick. What are you fucking pro golfer? What will you wear a visor for? Listen, I brought it back. You didn't bring eight. You're the only one who wore a visor for a summer. That's not true That is 100% not true. Who else wore visors like everybody I knew I met more of visor yesterday. There you go. Did he? Yeah, remember he left the house Came back with a different hat on he thinks he's retro. He's little does he know he's just sweating me But I single-handedly Brought back the v-neck and you're all welcome now that you wear those deep v-necks. I don't go

I literally I don't go deep v-neck though. No, but there's been I don't wear Why don't you come up with some to cancel out the man bun, please? Oh my god discuss them I just saw a video. It was on elite daily that and it actually came out. It was like a year or two ago Oh, the guys are cutting them off the guys were running around south africa cutting off man buns That's like the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life. They're so I said that the other day That doesn't even look good. It can't even remotely look good. It just it's so stupid Everyone's gonna look back and be like what the hell was I thinking what do you look like When you're not in a man bun, you know what I mean look like you're in a rock band

Yeah, like when you're in the shower and you get out of the shower. What does that look like? It looks awful. Ew Ew Not into it. Some people like it some people like foot stuff Who cares some people like to get pissed on I was just gonna say that some people like to get pissed on And should it hold on. I gotta tell you about this It doesn't make it acceptable. So all right. We're 45 we're 44 minutes in but listen. I saw this Uh website. I forgot the fucking name of it. Otherwise, I would say it's so everyone could check it out but it's a website

uh dedicated to Like calling out these girls who post like their extravagant lives on instagram But don't seem to have a job or like an income that explains their life so They what this guy does is that he has an account Where he posts pictures like he's this guy from dubai that has fucking, you know oil money and uh He messaged them and he's like I'd like to Pay you $30,000 to fly to dubai

for He says like five days only two of them You're gonna spend with me and I'll give you an extra 10 grand shopping budget while you're here right First of all, holy shit You're paying that's 45 grand for vagina Which is free around the world

So a little work in So, uh, it's called tinder. So he but what he said what he does is that he says that but he also He also says like yeah, but I uh I don't know the the the right term for it, but basically it's like yeah, but I like I want to shit on you Like you have to let me and she's like is it gonna be near my face is like on your chest It's not gonna touch your face and she's like, all right Are you serious? They do it swear to god. They don't do it because it's fake

But like they agree to it and that's the whole thing They agree to fly across the fucking world And get shit on on their chest for money for money. Yeah, this country. This world is disgusting No, yeah, this world is disgusting. Dude. I wouldn't let anyone poop on me Because I don't even know about that. It's a fact that they'll do it. I don't even like when people poop next to me in a stall Yeah, how much money would it take for me to get crept on? No, honestly. Yes. How much would you wait? Hold on? Hold on. We'll get to that question Would you let chase take a dump on your

body somewhere If I was gonna buy you a Chanel bag Yeah, because it's chase. He's my puppy And it's a little bit All right, better better Would you let me take a shit on you right now because I got a shit Keith you're leaking gas. I can smell it when it leans when he leans I can smell it Shen would you let vin shit on you for a Chanel bag? No, a man's shit. That's a protein shit

Like I take him out the night before We drink a shitload of Bud lights. Oh my god. It's first thing in the morning. It's coming out wet You should hear him in the morning. I have to make the tv louder. Why? It's loud and it's gross. What? He's shitting loud. Yeah, because dude When we eat like shit over the weekend or like if he was drinking the night before it's like it's not cool You could hear it from the living room. So it's like one of those movie shits. Christ. It's a one bedroom apartment like dumb and dumber Just blowing it out I heard that

By the way, one day I was in the bathroom at work And I I'm standing at the urinal and the stalls are behind me and somebody in there who was taking like a dumb and Dumber shit like it was like cartoon style shit And I almost collapsed with my thing in my hand from the laughter Because I couldn't control myself. This was the most outrageous thing. I've ever heard my entire life It's very that's very inspiring and courageous because I remember being in a bathroom one time And I was like, you know, I'm like kind of self-conscious. Like I don't want to like Take a huge shit and just like everyone hear me take a shit

But the guy next to me was like, I don't give he was fucking shitting Like like you flexed all his stomach muscles to get this shit out and it was And like just and I was like, fuck it. I feel comfortable now. So I was just taking a shit. I was inspired What's how I was taking a dump and I was trying to be quiet talking to the mic dick. I'm what time I was taking a dump and I was Pointing it towards the fucking ceiling I was trying to be quiet All of a sudden I I farted like in the middle of it. It's so loud that and I just started laughing So you imagine the first to install next to me. What'd you do? I'm taking a dump. There's somebody next to me

Yeah, I'm taking a shit. I'm trying to like not Take a dump at the top of my lungs if you And And what I thought would just was just gonna be a little gas turned out to be like Really loud fart and then which was followed by shit and I laughed so hard I was saying because and now I keep laughing I can't stop laughing because I'm like if I'm the person in the stall next to me I'm beside myself. I'm like, there's a fucking crazy person

In this stall. I gotta get out of here. This guy's laughing He's taking a shit and laughing at himself He's probably on a podcast right now telling the other side of the story He's like I'm sitting in the stall a guy takes a big fucking shit. I'm talking big shit And he starts laughing. He's giggling like a little schoolgirl. What a bitch. You sound like bill burp who Yeah, that's great. He's my hero That is hilarious though. Do you have any shitting stories Keith?

You kidding me every day myself today. I almost shit myself in our house the other day. I I did Last winter I was wearing pajama pants just laying on the couch and I was like, oh, I got a fart. Okay. That wasn't a fart Oh, I've done that dude. I've done that plenty of time dude. I swear to god I I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden like immediate pain Like oh, you got a shit and I was like, oh god, and I went upstairs and I almost didn't make it I'm fucking in the house. I can't like on There's one of those stories I remember we were

I'll say a mile away from our house Just hanging out with our friends like all like talking in the circle. I farted. It wasn't a fart. It was uh Now i'm slipping in my pants a shark. What does that mean now i'm slipping And I fucking I walked home changed Obviously wiped and all that I was gonna say no way you And then I and then I came back like like as if nothing happened Dude, what'd you do with your shitty pants? I do you want to hear something funny? This is a true story. I swear to god. I was out of the bar

sharded I was like damn it and i'm drunk. So I was like this is easy I took my boxes off and threw them away went back out there No underwear kept partying Wait hold on in like dress pants No, I was in wearing like jeans and boxers commando kids. Why does that matter because

Yeah boner patrol Who's just getting boners and bars? You kidding me? Where else are you supposed to get a boner? Exactly. You're drunk. You're with chicks. I mean not that I would know I'd never go to bars You're drunk. You're with chicks. I don't just get a boner every time i'm hanging out with girls How does that work? What's the deal with random boners? Like why does I don't even know I have serious penis envy. I know I always bring up penises Dude, I I swear to god. I'm not I wasn't making that up before and I was talking about it I'd be on the bus on the way to school in middle school. Yeah boner

I'm like, what am I gonna do when I get to school? I gotta get off So I gotta like think a bad But then get off. You gotta get off. I'm saying I gotta get off the bus I gotta stand up. I gotta walk past every row. Get yourself an hj on the bus That's called jerking off Keith. Yeah, it's called a joe Yeah, a joe Hj sounds better Anyway gets himself an hj. Well, it's pretty too lefty

Or I heard like sit on your hand until it gets numb and then do it So you can't feel it. Yeah, I don't have that much time You have plenty of time Got nothing but time Yeah, he's going to work tomorrow talking to the microphone. Yeah, Keith. You just had the mic pointing towards me It's not a telephone He's got it up to us here Hello, I can't hear anything

Anyway, so, uh, I guess we'll wrap this one up Uh, it was fun. Do you guys want to plug your your information? So if people want to contact you about this so you can reach out Anything I said Kenner will be held against me. I'm sorry I swear, I didn't uh all you overly sensitive people that like yeah, yeah, just call everyone Here we go. I don't you know what? I'll give you her email address Shen's one of those people who are like, uh, you want to apology? Okay. I'm sorry

That you're fucking annoying Uh Yeah, so anyway, yeah, follow me on twitter. What's your twitter at keith santa gato? That's original Mine's at tom santa gato I deleted my twitter. Good. Don't follow her. So if anyone wants to reach you, where should they go, shan? I mean, I guess instagram at shannon santa gato. All right, and if you guys want to follow me On twitter at joe santa gato and as always thank you for listening. I'm huge on instagram just by the way. All right And snapchat one of the best snapchatters of all time

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