The Basement Yard - So I'm Crippled Now..

Episode Date: June 21, 2016

I fucked up my ankle & now I can't walk .. which means I also can't write descriptions for podcast. Okay bye. Get Yours at BlueApron.com/BASEMENT Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. It is Monday June 20th. It's late as fuck. It's 945. I had a long day I'm also crippled now, so that's nice Yeah, I fucked up my ankle. It's the size of My calf now. I don't have any like my leg there used to be a calf and Then some leg. I don't even know what this portion of your leg I don't know the space the shin But the shin is the front and the back like I don't know this section of your leg Right below the calf and above the ankle that section

This whole thing is the same width now. That's how swollen my fucking ankle got It just it's fat as shit. I can't put my shoes on or my my socks It's probably broken, but I'm gonna give it another two days before I go to the doctor I'm just gonna ice the shit out of it But yeah, I'm on crutches, which is sick. I didn't go to the I didn't go to the doctor like I said, but I'm pretty sure it's it's fractured or some it's not broken because I was like moving it but I Had a football tournament yesterday Sunday morning. I had a football tournament and

Basically I play in football every Sunday of the year basically. We're actually done until Labor Day now, but wow Do you hear my voice anyway? So we're done until Labor Day now, but usually every Sunday of the year I play football in a rough touch league and this Sunday this past Sunday we had a tournament. It was like if you win three game like you had to there's a fucking it was a Tournament, you know what? Tournaments are I don't know why I'm fucking explaining it, but you know what it is If you win three games you win the money and in the second game in the semi-finals

At the end of the game, I like ran over to break up some pass and I jumped in the air with this kid like on the sidelines and my foot came down on his foot and My foot my whole ankle rolled in and I thought I broke it. I just started screaming I lifted my leg in the air and It was straight so I was like thank God because it felt like I snapped it Like I thought I just snapped the whole like I thought it was gonna lift up my leg and my my foot would be Horizontal and the less than my leg was vertical like I didn't want that to happen

So I was just excited that you know nothing was broken I think it might be fractured because it's fat as hell But like dude touching my ankle right now is so weird because there's no like bone like you don't you touch your ankle There's like a bone. There's nothing there and even on the inside the outside. It just feels like it's just weird I don't know man. This is fucking Strange. I don't like this at all. I'm crippled. I've been crippled all day and You know today I went to Fucking Ikea

To get oh, I don't even know if I mentioned this to anyone, but I I got an apartment I put out a video on my other channel. It's youtube.com slash extra Joe videos And I put out a video like showing off the apartment It's just gonna be like a studio that I'm gonna use it as a studio. I'm not necessarily gonna live there There's gonna it's a two-bedroom. So like one bedroom. I'm like soundproofing. I'm gonna use to do podcasts and you know Video shit in there or whatever and the other room is just gonna be like this I'm just putting like a futon in there and like a desk and like a rug and it's gonna be like, you know If I want to stay there a couple nights a week or something else just stay there whatever

Or like just like cool place to jerk off I don't know just like, you know somewhere you could sit and beat it and just be alone and nice And I don't have to mess up any of the equipment like that's the room. That's what it's for But it's a nice place. It's it. So yeah, I put it like a little apartment What's that called tour a little apartment tour on that on that channel? But yeah today I went to Ikea to get all the furniture Fucking $2,500 see you later

Jesus Christ, dude, I went there. I went to the register. She's the guy because I need to have it all delivered, obviously By the way, I'm fucking so I was with I was with Sammy and we went to Ikea and I was like we need to get crutches because like I can't walk around Ikea with this thing We'll be there all day because Ikea is shaped like a maze You got to walk through everything in order to get to the place. You need it's just ridiculous So I went to CVS and bought crutches. We spent like 20 minutes in in the parking lot trying to figure out how to Like adjust the crutch because they have those metal

Ball like you got to press them in and then pull the thing at the same time. It's a fucking mess It's a mess. Seriously. They should make if we have border problems or whatever the fuck it is If you made the borders out of those things like you had to press it in and pull it to And make no one would get over because those things are fucking impossible so like anyway spent 20 minutes trying to get those fucking things done and then we finally did and We went tonight it went to Ikea and I'm getting it all delivered like a couch and a futon and a Table rugs and all this other shit. So I went there and I like ordered all of it The guy gave me this piece of paper. He's like, yeah, just bring this to the cash register and she'll bring it up for you

I bring it over the guy's like, yeah fucking 23. Huh? What was it like? 2,500 or something like that. Yeah, 2,500 bucks. I was like fuck man this sucks But it's nice it's gonna be a dope place. So that's where I'm gonna record all these podcasts from now on The good news is like I don't people are gonna be like Joe. What? This is the basement yard You're not gonna be in the basement. Ha ha ha. Shut the fuck up It's a basement apartment. So the basement yard the name lives. Okay It stays true

It's a it's a it's a basement apartment. I told them when I went I went to a real estate agent I was like, hey, I need a basement apartment because I can't be fucking around like can you imagine me yelling and recording shit In a residential building where there's neighbors on up like on top of me below me on either sides and shit like that I know people in like Montana or probably like, why don't you just get a house like dude? I live in New York I don't have a fucking 1.2 million to put down on a fucking house. Sorry Anyway Uh

But yeah, I also got a drone recently and And um god i'm obsessed with it. I fly it everywhere. I'm not even sure of the rules Like you have to get it registered otherwise like If someone catches you flying it And it's not registered. They can like I don't I don't know like beat the shit out of you and like put shit in your ass I don't really know the rules But I brought it to a store your park. It's this big park in my neighborhood and um

there's two bridges like In front It's on like a waterfront like Manhattan's across the water So there's two bridges there and I flew it From the there's like a big lawn I flew it from the lawn out into the water and over one of the bridges. It's not like a What's the word?

There's no cars that drive over it. It's for trains So I flew it over that bridge and I was like, I'm not even sure if I can be doing this I'm like I was waiting for a some sniper to just take it out Uh, but that didn't happen. Thankfully fucking drone was like $1,500 or something like that or $1,600. I don't know Taxes and shit taxes are ridiculous, man. I don't even know I'm convinced people are just like

Winging it like yeah, I don't know the thing's 1500 whatever give me 1700 taxes dude. I don't care, but So I flew this thing over the the hell's gate bridge And it had some pretty double footage. I put that up on my facebook page also I'm just shouting out everything that I have. Fuck you don't go anywhere that I tell you like I'm I'm sorry for cross promoting. I'm just telling you where the shit is I don't want to be one of those people. Oh, you go follow me on you know snapchat See, you know pictures of my balls with dog filters on them. I'm not trying to do that

All right. I'm being serious I did post a video on the facebook page of that But I'm obsessed with this thing the drone is amazing And I'm not getting paid to say this but I mean you've if you have any interest in like YouTube or youtubers or whatever you know the drone the drone is called the dji phantom 4 It's a cakewalk. It's so easy

It's like you could just it it flies itself honestly literally It's the easiest thing in the world literally right so you have the the hardest part is setting up the fucking controller once you have that done it's it's light work so With the remote it like sets up on your phone You can see a live view and it shoots in 4k, which is like the highest resolution You know possible don't quote me on that, but it's fucking high. It's higher than 1080p. It's it's amazing Um, very clear, but it shows up on your phone. It's a live view of what this thing flying like it could you see what it sees obviously Um, and to take off you just slide this thing. You don't even have to like take off

You just hit this thing. It's like slide to take off It's like unlocking your phone and all of a sudden this thing just takes off in the air Then you have these controllers to make it higher and lower and You know you could fly it straight and forward and shit like that. It's the fucking easiest thing in the world I mean if you have a bunch of money and you're like You know you don't know what to do with it like Just get one of these things and just fly it over your house for a second because it's so sick I don't recommend getting it for like

I don't even know how to explain this but like if you're like a I don't know man. I don't want to tell you what to do with your money. It's a cool thing. That's it It's stupid though if like Like don't save up and then spend all your money on it because like there's only so much you could do with a drone You know, it's just it's just a cool thing That's it Like I might sell this to someone You know pretty soon

But it's a lot of fun People just look at you like you're a psycho. They're like, what the fuck is this kid doing? Like I'm about to drop a bomb on the bridge. I probably shouldn't say that. It's fucking dangerous the other day I actually said something I was I got really scared when we landed on the plane from that I just remember this reminded me when we landed in new york um On the plane They turned all the lights on because we had a red-eye flight and like I can't sleep on planes

Like I don't even have anxiety anymore. It's just I'm incapable of sleeping on planes because I'm sitting Like I I can't sleep sitting I'm not a I'm not a savage. I have to lay down on a bed. I'm like a normal person I don't if there's that high maintenance. I don't know. I like to sleep sleep I like to sleep in a sleep position get just sleep sitting in this fucking seat next to strangers This woman and this woman I had my eyes closed this woman's trying to give me a fucking orange juice I'm like get away from me. I'm trying to fucking

Make some sleep happen here Fucking ridiculous, man Jesus christ She was throwing peanuts at me. She didn't throw peanuts. I she literally dropped a bag of pretzels in my laptop. She's like here Here's some fucking pretzels. I was like Dude, you know, I wasn't like sleeping but like my eyes were closed. You know what I mean? What if I was sleeping? She's throwing orange juice at me Fucking pretzels. I'm like lady

Jesus christ Let me let me live Where the fuck was I going with this? Where was I talking about? Oh when we landed so we landed and um My my I looked at my friend and he he was like, hey I slept like that whole flight and then I said to him I was like I said this and everyone looked at me like dude, you're not supposed I was just like

Yeah, I didn't sleep at all and if I had my gun, I would have shot myself Everyone turned around and looked at me and my friend looked at me like terrified like dude Don't what you're not supposed to fucking say that on the plane and as soon as it left my mouth That's when I knew I shouldn't have said it. I was like I would have shot myself. Oh, fuck Like immediately I was like, oh shit And I just kind of looked around but thank god No one like it escorted. Uh escorted. Do you hear me? No one escorted me off the plane

No one escorted me off the plane Excorted that's great. Oh, man. It's so fun to be dumb being dumb is great. Let me tell you it's so good Excorted oh god. Anyway, let's let's do this sponsorship real quick and then uh We'll talk about some other shit that's been bothering me, but we're back with blue apron Um, if you guys have been signed up for this, I suggest that you do Uh, I think two of my friends have already used it by code and used it And uh, I just keep asking them for money. I'm like, dude, I'm saving you money and so you should give it back to me But anyway, so if you don't know what blue apron is, um, basically it's a service that if you sign up for it, they will send you

meals periodically and uh, it's already proportioned And they send you all the ingredients that you'll need down to the salt and pepper Fucking whatever you need. It's all in this box That has like these cooler ice pack things on the bottom They drop it off on your doorstep and you got a fucking meal right there, man And you get to cook it yourself. They send you the recipe. They send you a step-by-step instructions. There's pictures It's colorful and shit. They make it so easy. Okay And it's affordable. It's less than 10 dollars a meal

Uh, and you get stuff that's like good you get crispy cod and cabbage slaw tacos with pepita pineapple Avocado salsa, you know All good stuff. It's not like bullshit. It's not like they send you Lunchables or something. I don't know if I should be name-dropping other brands, but I'm doing it. Fuck it. We're already here You want to hear more brands? I got them. I don't care But uh, yeah, it's like high quality food For yeah, I don't know dude. Like there's like alaskan salmon There's tons of crazy shit

But it's all good food, man. My like they send them to me all the time My mom makes them. She's like, I made a blue apron. She's in there cooking fucking pork chops and shit I'm like, it smells delicious She loves it. She loves cooking. She thinks she's fucking rangel rey or something. I don't know man It's out of control. Um Yeah, you can customize the recipes each week based on your preferences Um, yeah, man 40 minutes or less. You got a brand new meal If you want to cook the girlfriend a meal cook the boyfriend a meal

Cook the dog a meal I don't know what you do what you people do out there is, you know, it's crazy people do what they want Whatever, it's america. You give it to the fuck you want. Um, but anyway Check out this week's menu and get your get two meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron dot com slash basement All right, that's blue apron dot com slash basement Blue apron a better way to cook There you go. I'm fucking killing these sponsorships. I should be on tv just like

Yelling and cursing at people but people would buy it. I feel like you know, I think I'm a great salesman I think I'm just gonna quit all of this shit and just do That you know those commercials Where the guy gets up there and just starts yelling about how you need to buy this like soap You remember, uh, what's his name billy maze the guy who died, uh, man, I forgot his name Rest in peace, but I think that guy used to yell at us to buy oxy clean It's like dude, you are pretty adamant about this fucking detergent or whatever the fuck it is It's like jeez. He's like, dude, you can take a you got this whole shirt soaked in wine. I'm like

Who the fuck soaks their entire shirt and wine? Well the kids at soccer soccer practice is just grass all over it There's a couple of blood stains It's like a little four-year-old kid running into the kitchen It's like dude. What is this kid? What league is this kid playing in? That he has blood and fucking grass stains all over you just dip it into the oxy clean pull it out brand new The shit was amazing though. Like I don't know if it was You know if it worked as well as it did in the commercial, but it looked pretty fucking incredible They take this dirty ass shit and they put it in the water

They pull it out And thing is perfectly clean. It's dry and folded It's like what the fuck Did that water just fold my laundry? Speaking of folding laundry right Dude, I have the craziest add Clearly I just did it again Whenever like I say a word a whole new thing opens up and I just completely abandoned the story that I was telling

Which is what I'm doing right now. But anyway now that I said folding laundry I've talked about this on twitter numerous times folding laundry I would honestly give up Uh Both my ring fingers if I never had to fold laundry ever again Like I would you could have them Whoever I have to pay. I don't really I'm thinking something asian They're like because they sell a bunch of organs. You know what I mean?

Whenever you think like organ trade you think oh, well, yeah, like japan They they do the or they sell kidneys or or thailand. I don't know I don't really know but they Yeah, they sell organs. So if I have to give someone two ring fingers and in exchange I can not fold any laundry. I would do it If I ever visit thailand japan or wherever they do this I'm going to ask around but hey, you know anyone who's interested In this ring finger. I think my ring finger is pretty decent

I think it's worth laundry like a You know anyway So the reason why I brought this up is that my brother told me that there's a machine now that you could buy And you just put your clothes in And it folds them for you Like How fucking dumb is that and I want to buy it it's 850 dollars plus tax Like I said tax before people are weighing it plus tax. It's probably too grand, you know, but

Dude Can you imagine that's a mate? Like I don't really know if it's one at a time because that's time consuming who the fuck has that kind of time I'm going to sit here Put a t-shirt in And just you know, whatever like and I hate when I go on facebook and I see these random videos Of this woman. She like grabs the t-shirt at like the top left shoulder and then the bottom right

Corner of the shirt and she flip flops and and all of a sudden it's perfect I'm like, what the fuck is this trickery? How come no one's teaching there should be a class in school that teaches you how to fold clothes do laundry Shit like that. I know how to do my laundry because my parents When I turned like 14 my parents were like good luck in the world get ahead

try it They were like, I don't get they my mom and my mom and dad when I turned like 14 They were like, yeah, you're not getting another dollar from us And I'm not doing your laundry Or cleaning your room And all that should better be done by the way Which was nice. I'm glad that they did that. It was it was hard. I felt like a fucking Aladdin, you know Some days I didn't eat

That's not true at all. But there would be times where I just you know, I feel like a Latin man That's why just you know what see this is it's happening again I'm veering off Into a different thing when I said Aladdin it just triggered me. I don't know if this is weird or not I don't really know if I should bring this up. But anyway, I'm already too deep in I can't do that and not tell you but One time I was dating this girl I wasn't really dating her like

we just kind of Made out like three times You know in a row Like it was like three a k like dude, I don't know. It was maybe three a month Made out three times One of them. I might have touched a boob. I'm not even sure But anyway, I think that counts as a relationship. I don't really know the rules for that either but

so this girl So we started hooking up whatever and then I found out that she was rich like really rich and it Fucking killed it for me. And I don't know why but I just felt like Aladdin Like I was like this I can't

I don't know. It was so weird. I couldn't do it I was like, I just I don't know I could like I felt like I wasn't good enough Like I'm talking to my therapist right now Not that I have a therapist, but It's just like weird. I don't know why I brought that up. See, this is why I said I don't know if I should bring it up because it's so fucking weird But yeah, I don't know

we we stopped talking because I I think Her friend's uncle died and she went to his funeral and she was upset. She's like, can you come? and I was like I think 15 or 14 And I was like, I don't I can't get there unless I take the bus by the time I get there. It's gonna be over Furious didn't speak to me. We didn't talk ever again It's nice. It's nice. You know, that's what happens

Young and in love, you know Oh Anyway, uh an internet news Uh youtube God, I hate this place man. I really do I'm starting to hate myself God First of all, definitely hate myself

Okay That sounds way darker than it actually is. I'm laughing in my basement by myself. Can anyone just think just remember that. Okay anyway, so um YouTube now is so weird like it has trends and shit Which is fine, you know, whatever But it's so Like recently it's just so blatant that everyone

Is just copying each other and just milking the internet for money You know what I mean and like Oh god, it's just it's just terrible like Okay, there's this kid He made a he he was making these videos making fun of other people And they were hilarious, you know, he was making these videos and they were doing so well. They're getting millions of views

Whatever right and all these people were just flocking so he gained so many subscribers and Certain amount of months for doing this type of video You know And then everyone Is making them now everyone People are putting them in videos

People are making videos exactly like it And that's it Everyone is doing the same thing It's just crazy. It's like once they see something working. They're like, oh, I gotta I gotta do this. I gotta, you know, get them in there. I got it's just so weird Is that how everything and like what I what I'm the reason why I said I hate myself is because what I've been doing recently Is like these those videos that I do the series like god I want I want so badly to stop doing them because I feel like

I'm using them as a crutch Like these series like they're fun to make they're funny. It's all you know, whatever but I don't I just don't want to be pigeonholed and be this fucking one guy who's just You know always I'm always The idiots of the internet guy or something like I don't want to be that, you know, I mean, I want to just be

I want there to be a bunch of different types of You know comedy that I do I don't want to just do fucking, you know, I'm making fun of people or whatever I don't really know where I'm going with this honestly, but You know, it's just got me more clear to me that like these youtubers are just copying each other and it's just like you know, whatever works for views or whatever, but I don't know if I if I can give any advice to a younger person who wants to make youtube videos or someone who's doing them and wants to you know

Do whatever don't conform don't Just do What everyone else is doing and like that's probably hypocritical of me. I don't even know I probably say a bunch of hypocritical shit, but If you want to build your own audience You can't do things that you don't necessarily believe in and I'm having a struggle with that right now Because like I said the videos that I'm doing now, they're all good and fun, but I feel like I could be doing better things It's just that a week every week. It's hard to come up with something

Super original and something I'm super proud of It used to be easy in the beginning because I had so much material, but now Like because I didn't you know, it's easy in the beginning because you have all the material in the world Once you start doing all of it, you can't just repeat it You know what I mean? and now I have these series all the time and I hate the fact that I'm locked into them and like it's fine because they're all different obviously and you know, I Try to be as funny as possible and try to

Come up with jokes for every single video and you know make them different put my own spin on everything But I don't want to be I don't want to use that as a crutch. I don't want to do any of that But it's just like the week it puts you know Putting it's just it puts a lot of like Pressure on you like creatively. It's like oh god But you know, it's it's my fault. It's my fault. It is my fault a week is a ton of time It's just that you think you have a ton of time. I'm a procrastinator. It's like an essay You know what I mean?

Imagine having to do an essay every week you wouldn't do until monday and by that time you're like fuck You kind of just rush it and just put it out. You're like, all right It's like it's still your work But it's not like the best you could have done if you had another two weeks to do it but um, yeah, man, it's just the The pressure to stay relevant stay entertaining with everyone but Everyone loves these things. So, you know, that's fine. I don't

necessarily love them Some of them I really like You know, because I think that some of them are funny Some of them are like, well, you know, this could have Like there'll be a video that'll get a million views in a week and I'm like, I just I didn't like it's not I'm not crazy about it You know, but you know to each their own But like I was saying if you if I can give advice to someone who wants to come up and try to

You know make the uh What the fuck am I saying like get a bunch of views on youtube, whatever the fuck I'm saying Just make things that you're proud of don't follow trends Don't be like all this is what's working now on youtube. Let's make them. I used to work for a company where You know, we had to put out youtube videos and you know in the meetings all the time They'd say stuff like, you know, this is what's hot right now. This is what's trending We have to do something like this but a different version put our own spin on it Like dude, fuck all the trends. Fuck all of that because here's the thing the the word trend

literally means it I don't know if that actually means but like trend when I think trend I think of temporary It's a thing that's here now and will be gone and what will replace it a new trend And if you're the first one to that You pretty much You're ahead of the game and you're gonna make a A ton of noise and people are gonna recognize who you are because you are this person You know what I mean? You're you are the guy who brought this trend to the whatever this kid that I was talking about before

I forgot his fucking name He did this this certain type of video and it works because it was Him just him doing it to my knowledge And everyone's flocking to him because it was the only place that you could get this type of video Is at this kid's channel. So everyone went to him And was watching those videos and then the other two youtubers saw that and they're like fuck it and they all started doing it You know what I mean? So don't

Be one of those other youtubers be like that kid, you know, you have an idea you do it and it works for you Do it just just that's your shit. You know what I mean? Just do that like Find what you what you're good at what makes you comfortable and just do it don't Follow trends and try to get out of character and try to Please some fucking audience or whatever just make things that you're proud of I've probably said that a thousand times, but anyway, I don't know why the fuck I got so deep in this last fucking five minutes of this podcast, but

You know, whatever Jesus christ charlie Yo, my dog breathes at a thousand miles per hour All the time just all the time and he's hairy as shit. Dude. I'm getting this guy a haircut on thursday He's gonna look so dumb I'm gonna take a picture of him before so you can see You know how he's attractive. He's gonna get a haircut and you'd be like, what is that thing? What is that?

Because he's a golden doodle and he's like Very poodle in the face. Like he's got like a long snout So when he gets short here, he's gonna look so dumb. It's gonna be awesome. I can't wait You're gonna look dumb charlie Anyway, um, that's all for this week's podcast. Thanks for listening. Yeah, motherfuckers