The Basement Yard - The Aliens Are Gonna Kill Us

Episode Date: November 10, 2015

This week I'm talking about the UFO over Los Angeles, Jeb Bush, the Penn Station shooting, & more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Basement Yard. I'm kind of excited for this episode because the wildest shit happened two days ago. Well, not the wildest shit. I don't want to hype you up, but some crazy shit happened. A UFO flew over Los Angeles and people got on a video and it looks sick. It looks awesome.

Jenna Marlowe's boyfriend Julian posted it on YouTube. If you want to watch the video, it's called Massive Blue UFO Over Los Angeles. Dude, this shit is crazy. It's like it's like a thing of light, right? It looks like a

star, like a big star and it's kind of moving across the sky and there's a couple of people who are like, what is what is that? There's always one guy in these videos that's always asking the same question over again. What is that? But what is it?

Dude, I don't fucking know. Shut up. But anyway, so it's moving across the sky and then all of a sudden it starts emitting this blue light and like these these like force fields it looks like. Dude, I can't even explain it

because I don't even know what it is. I've never seen shit like this. You know what I mean? I'm not prepared. But it's like shooting out these blue circles of light and it looks insane. It's wild. You gotta watch it. I don't know if this is way cooler to me

than it is to you, but this is wild shit happening in front of our faces. But anyway, so he posted this on YouTube. It's got 5.4 million views and obviously other people in L.A. saw it so they recorded it and they threw it up on Twitter and social media. And then the government goes

ah no, no, no, we were shooting missiles. It's missile practice. It's not an alien. What? You're fucking lying. Dude, are you kidding me? I've played every Call of Duty that's ever come out. Zero missiles look like that. I know what missiles look like, dude.

I play the game, okay? I've seen Saving Private Ryan. I've seen Fury. I know what missiles look like. They don't look like that. Not at all. Why are you lying to us? I don't understand. What's the point of that? Why don't they want us to

know aliens? Like, I don't think aliens have ever hurt us. You know what I mean? I've never like, there's never been like a crazy attack. You know, like a city burn to the ground because aliens were shooting at it. Like some Star Wars shit. That's never happened. So why are we keeping this a secret?

Why are you keeping the aliens to yourself? I want to hang out with an alien. I mean, I think it's a UFO. I really do. I think it's aliens. If you're one of those people that's like, dude, aliens don't exist, you're a fucking idiot. Dude, do you know how big the galaxy and the universe is? You think

we're the only things that are living? Wow. You're an idiot. Come on. The redneck guys were telling the truth. You know those redneck guys that like, they have like a crazy story. You ever see the history channel where it's like a redneck? It's always a redneck guy who's got like a

mustache and like a mullet. And you're like, dude, why is this guy even on TV? Then he goes, uh, he goes, yeah, I want that. I went out there. You know, my horses were making a lot of noise. It was a ruckus. And I went out there and I seen a spaceship.

And I just seen this right a lot. And I went over to it and they sucked me up into the ship. And then before I knew it, I was on a table and there were eight aliens around me, all naked. And then one of them put their hand in my ass and they were all studying me and touching me.

It's like, dude, what? Aliens came and put a finger in your ass? I always felt like that. Like, dude, why you? Why would they come to like the middle of Nebraska and take this guy and put a, why the finger in the ass also?

Why, like the probing thing? I don't get that at all. I think they're just putting a finger in people's ass just to like mess with them. That's what I think. I think aliens are hilarious and they're like, they're studying us, but they're also like, hey, let's just put a finger in this guy's ass and maybe he'll think we're, that's part of the

process, but it's not. Like, they're just fingering dudes for no reason. It's wild. But dude, the redneck guys are telling the truth. The aliens are here. You know what I mean? And they're probing, which is terrifying. Okay? So what's happening is that aliens are coming here. All right? They're gonna get here.

They obviously don't care that we know that we're, they're here anymore. You remember when UFO sightings were quick? They were like five seconds max and the thing would disappear? This thing's like two and a half minutes or three minutes that you see him. Now they don't even care. They're like, dude, fuck it. We're here. I don't care. I'm not gonna hide.

All right? We're, we're here. You know what's gonna happen now? They're gonna probe everyone. Hide your fucking assholes because the aliens are probing us. All right? I'm duct taping my ass every day from here on out. Wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, get the duct

tape, duct tape my ass. Nothing's going in this ass. Not at all. Um, so yeah. What the fuck's wrong with me, man? I really don't know. Um, but yeah, the government, yeah, it's a missile. I'm sure it is.

You fucking idiots. Like, how dumb do they think we are? Oh, man. And the election. Oh, God. Jeb Bush. Speaking of Jeb Bush, um, I saw this thing on Twitter. Dude, first of all, your name's Jeb, right? I mean, that's obviously not his real name.

I looked up his real name. His name is, uh, John Ellis Bush. So that's the Jeb. Which is just a dumb nickname. I'm sorry, man. Jeb, that's terrible. Anyway, uh, so Huffington Post reporters, they asked him if he would be willing to kill the child

who eventually grew up to orchestrate the Holocaust, which is fucking Hitler, if you couldn't figure that out. Alright? And he goes, hell yeah, I would. You gotta step up, man. What? First of all, why are we asking this guy

those questions? Why, like, why are we asking him that? Like, hey, Jeb, forget about unemployment, gun control, uh, fuck Mary kill, Oprah, Barba Walters,

and Rihanna, go. Right? I'm surprised he answered that question, first of all, because there's no right answer to that question. Cause if you say you're gonna kill baby Hitler, then you're like, oh what? You killed babies and this guy's pro-abortion

and you know, it's like a whole other thing. You know what I mean? But if you say oh no, I wouldn't do that, then you're like, what? You want the holocaust to happen? You hate Jews and it's a trap, trap question, and you fell for it, Jeb. Next time you don't fucking answer, Jeb.

Don't be stupid. Jeb. I don't know what it is, but this year, this election, I guess it's because social media, I don't know if it's just progression, and this is how things are gonna be now, or if it's just dumb, I don't know.

But, uh, it's just weird to see all these politicians on social media. Like you saw, like there's been back and forth between Donald Trump. I'm not even gonna call him a politician. He's just a rich guy who like, got bored and was like, hey I'm gonna try doing

this now, you know? That's like me, if I'm like, oh I'm gonna be a painter now, and I just like, bought a bunch of paint, and we're just like, oh it's the same thing. Dude, you bought a campaign cause you're rich. And that's it. That's all you did.

Like, I can buy the paint. That doesn't mean I'm a painter. You could buy a campaign. It doesn't mean you're a politician, or a candidate for that matter. Anyway. But on social media, you see the back and forth with all these people. And it's like, dude what the f- like, you know what I mean? It's like Jeb and Hillary were like going

back and forth. I think it was them too. I don't really know anything about politics. I know that this looks ridiculous uh, if you're not from this country, and you're like, what are all these politicians going back and forth on social media for? It's like, dude, you're not running for class president. It's the president of the

United States. Can you f- can you f- get off twitter and stop with the sub-tweets and hashtags? Jesus. Go pass a bill. And these are the people that we have sign our babies. I never got that shit either. Or anyone for that matter, especially politicians.

Eh, sign my baby. Dude, it's a baby. Dude, oh my god. If you work for Child Services it's- that's an easy target. Oh, ma'am you let f- Obama sign your baby? Thank you. We'll take that baby.

Why are you letting anyone sign your baby? Like what is the thought process there? If anything, let the guy sign your stupid f- head and leave the baby alone. Maybe the baby doesn't even like Obama.

You know? Give him a chance. Let the baby read up on his policies. And let him make a decision. Okay? Just because you like Obama doesn't mean your baby likes Obama. So get the f-ing signature off and write it across your dumb head. Okay?

Or anyone, really. Hey sign my forehead. Why? I don't get it. I don't get it. Dude, I don't know how people sign up to be president. Like in my mind, that would be one of the last things I would do.

Like, why would you ever dream of running for president? I feel like everyone wants that job until they get it. And they're like, oh god this f-ing sucks. It's 24-7 you're the president, right? Everyone's out to kill you. You know?

There's a bunch of people who want you dead. You know, half of the country doesn't want you in there to begin with. They don't like you as the president. Everything you do is wrong to someone. And you can never stop being a president. You know what I mean? You can go into work, and you're a cashier.

But that's only for until 5 o'clock. After 5 o'clock, you're not a cashier. You're just regular Joe, you know? Obama does not check out. He lives in the goddamn White House. He's under

watched always. He's never not the president. He's always the president. That sucks. You can't have like a conversation. And then he went to the bulls game. Right? And people were like, dude, what's this guy doing at the bulls game? Shouldn't you be like

working and like passing law? I'm like contradicting myself from what I said earlier. But I was just being funny. But seriously, when people get upset at Obama because he's doing like regular shit, like I remember he posted like someone posted a picture of him like playing basketball outside the White House. It's like, oh, what is this guy doing?

Yeah, dude, who's signing up to be president? Don't be, don't, don't do that. You know? Don't be, just be like a senator or something. Or whatever. Or like go to Canada and do, uh, what's that guy, Rob Ford? He like does a bunch of crack in whatever office he

holds. Like do something like that. Something like, you know, you get some leeway. President though, you can't do a goddamn thing. You do Saturday Night Live, that's fun. But other than that sucks. I wouldn't even be class president of like high school. I got to organize the prom now.

Like, dude, fuck you. Organize your own prom. Whatever, man. I don't know. Also, it's crazy that, uh, this morning in New York City, Penn Station, which is, if you don't know, it's like right next to MSG, it's tons of people

coming in and out of there, um, every morning. This morning, a gunman shot three people, I believe. He killed one and then hurt the other two. Uh, and just,

what's going on, man? So yeah, the guy shot three people. One died. Two of them, other ones got shot in like the leg and the neck. But Jesus Christ, in Penn Station, you know how many people could have got hurt then? It's packed in the mornings, man. Packed and happened during rush hour.

Apparently the guys were uh, from the methadone clinic. It's like it's like drug rehab. Dude, why do these people have guns? Why do they, how do they get guns? How do they do that? Oh my God.

I don't know how it is. You know, I don't really know. But I know that in some places in the country, you can go to Walmart and be like, let me get that gun right there. Looks pretty sick. And they give you a gun. That's wrong, no? I mean, I don't know anything about gun control. I don't know. I really don't know anything.

Don't go crazy in the comments. I do know that you shouldn't be able to buy a gun in the same place that you buy a fucking pair of jeans for four bucks. I know that. Okay? That's all I know.

We have the right to bear arms. I know we have the right to bear arms. But if we haven't exercised that right correctly yet, then maybe we should, you know, think about something. You know, a little change. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I know that what's happening now

doesn't work. I forgot who, but someone was like with these school shootings, right? Which are terrible. But some fucking politician goes hey, you know what could stop school shootings if we arm the teachers? What?

Are you fucking crazy? You want to give guns to these teachers? Dude, no fucking way. You know how many of my teachers would have shot me dead? Three off the top of my head. I'm not even thinking hard. Three I would have known would have

shot me. Three would have shot me. Not to mention that there was a story that came out the other day that a kid like beat the shit out of his teacher. These kids are insane. Animals. Punch an old teacher in the face.

You're crazy. Now imagine that teacher had a gun. The kid punches you in the face. The guy shoots the kid. Because his life is in danger or whatever. And now we're in a whole new thing. Now a kid gets shot in school.

Now school is not safe. The streets aren't safe. School is not safe. Where the fuck is safe? Now where? Arm the teachers. That's probably the worst idea ever. Dude, not to mention a teacher is not... So what does that mean?

That teachers need shooting practice? That's part of the job description now? Yeah, here's your textbook. And, you know, make sure you get five hours in a week at the gun range. So you know if a student acts out

or if a guy runs in here with a gun you could just shoot him through the chest. Dude, what a dumbest idea. Whoever said that? God. You are never... I hope you never ever get to make a decision ever. Anything. I don't even care.

I hope someone gets to pick out what you wear every day. I don't even want to make that decision. Arm the teachers. That guy should be punched right in the neck. Punch him in the neck and just be through with it. But seriously, dude, if we... We have the right to bear arms. Yes, I know.

Do not kill me. But what I'm saying is the wrong people are getting guns. I don't know how, but I know the answer isn't, give everyone guns and have gun fights. If the wrong people have guns they're gonna shoot people.

Giving other people guns isn't gonna help that. People are gonna die. You know what we should do? We should eliminate guns altogether and give everyone swords. That's what we should do. That's the answer. I should run for president, man.

Everyone get rid of every gun ever. No guns at all. No one has guns. Everyone has a sword. And you just get good. If you want to be a cop you gotta be like a master swordsman. You know what I mean?

You gotta be like Zorro. So like Zorro would be a cop and you're gonna pick a fight with Zorro with a sword? Dude, you're not gonna win. He's Zorro, but that's what should happen. Everyone should get swords and if you want to kill someone you gotta earn it. It's gonna be a fight to the death

and it's gonna be fair. That's the answer. Sword fighting. But yeah, I don't know. Let's talk about something else, man. I don't know. I've recently become obsessed with Snapchat because of these like filters they got. God, what a good idea. Snapchat was getting old. You're like oh I could

just take pictures and draw on them. Like this is fun but not really. It's starting to fall off and all of a sudden they throw these filters at you that you could like turn yourself into a werewolf. You're throwing up rainbows. You're a skeleton. It's wild. Dude, if you don't have

Snapchat, get it. Alright? Cause you're missing out. It's the funniest thing in the world. I spend like two hours a day just staring at myself with these filters and just laughing. I swear, I'm not even kidding. With these filters I just look, there's like

eight of them. Like eight new ones every day. And I'm like a skeleton one day. I'm laughing my ass off at it. It's so funny. If you have a Snapchat you know you know what I'm talking about. If you don't have a Snapchat download that shit. Also if you want to follow me on Snapchat

it's my name. It's Joe Sanagato so you can follow me on that. What a plug. What a fucking plug that was, huh? I hate myself man. I hate people who do that. I do it so much too. I just it's part of the game. It's part of it.

I have to. You gotta follow me. It's a weird thing. That's the complete opposite of what our parents taught us when we were younger. Don't talk to strangers. Dude, I'm talking to strangers every fucking day on this computer. Every day.

I don't know who they are. I'm looking at strangers on Snapchat. They're looking at me. It's the fucking weirdest thing when you back up and think about it. And now I'm begging people to follow me. What? Who am I? Dude, follow me.

And not just follow me here. Follow me in four of the places too. Follow me on fucking Instagram. Stare at my pictures. Follow me on Twitter. Listen to what I have to say. Follow me on fucking SoundCloud. Listen to what I have to say also.

Dude, what am I doing? This is such a weird thing. I like doing it though. I like talking to people. I like when people agree with my opinions. I like when they disagree with them as well as long as they have a good argument.

Because I hate people who are just like Dude, no, you're gay. I'm like, what? Why? I like when people have an argument. You know what I mean? I'm like, hey, you know, I don't know. Blue is the best color ever. And someone goes, no, it's red

because blah blah blah. But there's other people who are just like, no, you're gay. Like what? You're a fag. My favorite color is blue? My favorite color is black though. I don't know, like I don't like telling people that because they think I'm mad emo

if I tell them that. It's like, oh, my favorite color is black. They're like, all right, fucking sicko. Relax. Because I remember growing up all the emo kids, their favorite color was black. That was such a weird phase that people went through. You remember MySpace? People listening to this like, oh shit, why do you have to bring this up? But you remember on MySpace when everyone

had like a phase where they were like that emo, they were into like screamo music or whatever. Or maybe you were like one of those people that dressed really hardcore but you like really liked Fallout Boy for some reason or like Avril Lavigne.

Like you had like eyeliner and like fishnet like gloves for like cut off gloves that are fishnet. Like why the hell are you wearing that? Or like chains all over your pants. It's like what? And you were like, was that called scene? It was like a

scene phase or something? And like you would dye your hair bleach blonde and just I don't know. I don't know if you're going to get this or you can relate, but I remember a certain pose that these girls had. I mean it was always like the camera in the mirror with the flash

and you didn't see like anything except like you know, half of their leg. But I remember these emo girls used to post pictures like with, I'm trying to explain this. They're palm facing up like flexing all their fingers. Like they're holding something, but they're not really holding something.

Like what the hell was that? I don't know what that was. Oh man, it was so weird. I went through like a ghetto phase. I was never like a scene kid. Like my my oldest brother and my sister they liked

like that punk rock music which I liked too because they played it all the time. But I was super ghetto in like middle school. I wore big ass shirts that like would not fit me now if I would put them on. Like nothing with a letter or a picture on them.

It was always just like plain shirts. I had one pair of Jordans that like I loved. Like I was on a basketball team and I asked my dad to buy me Jordans. They're like, they were $150 at the time. He's like you want these basketball sneakers? And I'm like, yeah. So he gets

them for me, right? The first game after I get them I'm not wearing them at the game. And he's like, why aren't you wearing the new shoes that I just bought you for $150? And I was like, oh, I don't want to mess them up. He fucking looked at me like he wanted to

punch me in the face, which he should have, but he didn't. He was like, they're basketball sneakers. I'm like, dad, you don't get it because you're not cool. But yeah. I used to just wear him to school

and try not to crease him. Dude, I was, oh god. I cared about those sneakers more than I cared about my own well-being. I was like, dude, fuck it. I don't have to eat for three days. But as long as these are clean. How dumb is that? Looking back.

Looking back, that's so fucking dumb. Oh man. But yeah, the emo kids, man, they were scary people. I remember I'm just talking. I'm just generalizing. It's so funny. These kids like you would walk by them and they'd like bark at

you and shit. No, but I really think there was like at least one in every school. There was one like emo kid or scene, whatever the fuck you want to call him. But they would like bark at you or like they'd make weird noises and you're like, dude, what is wrong with this kid?

You know? Bark at you. Oh my god, I'm losing it. I was never like a bully either. I don't want people to think that that I was like bullying kids in the stuff and people in lockers. Not that I could anyway. I was tiny.

Like, I'm 5'10". I weigh 175 pounds. But when I was younger, dude, I was tiny. I was short and skinny as hell. I was not bullying anyone even if I wanted to. But I was not about that shit. But it was just funny that

these are people that you notice in the halls. Like those weird kids. I remember in middle school there was this one kid who if you talked badly about Star Wars he would freak out. I'm dead serious.

Like freak out. Like he'd try to fight you. Like scream and his face would turn red. If you just want to talk about, yeah, fuck Jar Jar Banks, he'd be like what? He would freak out and try to kill you. Middle school was great.

It was very diverse. I live in Queens so it's very diverse. You see everything. You know, there's Indian people, Asian people, there's Black people, Spanish people, a bunch of white people. It's great. Actually, you know, the only thing I wasn't exposed to

growing up was Jews. Jewish people. Never saw, I don't know any Jews. The only Jewish people that I know is that a bad thing to say Jews, by the way? I don't know if that's derogatory if it is. I'm sorry, but I just, I'm not trying to offend anyone. But they are Jewish. But anyway,

so when I worked at Elite Daily, that's when I met my first Jewish people. Because I don't know any Jewish people. Those are the only ones that I knew. There was a bunch of Jews that worked there. But yeah, there was none in my growing up, none in

my elementary school or middle school or high school, because I went to a Catholic high school. That would be very weird if there was a Jewish kid in Catholic high school. Oh, man. But yeah, speaking of high school, I missed my high school reunion. It was a couple days ago.

It was on Saturday, I believe. Yeah, I missed it. I didn't miss it on purpose. I just, like, didn't really know it was happening. So I didn't go. And then some kid that I'm still friends with hit me up and he's like,

Oh, you're too Hollywood for whatever. And I was like, come on. But he was kidding. But uh, yeah, I didn't go there. I didn't really have a ton of real friends in high school. I don't want to make it seem like I was a loner. I was on the football team and I had a bunch of friends, but I just

didn't really hang out with them that much. I don't think I went to any parties in high school besides a few my senior year. I never did any of that shit. But, like, I was cool with them in school. They all lived in different neighborhoods.

I wasn't, like, driving. So I couldn't, like, really get there. And I wasn't going to ask my mom to drive me because she would have laughed in my face. And I wasn't about to get on the bus so I could drink Keystone Lights in the park. Keith, are you coming down the stairs?

All right, I'm here and shit. There's ghosts in here, man. The aliens are here. I thought I heard someone coming down the stairs. Fucking aliens are here. Oh god, we're dead. I'm dying. I'm gonna die. Um, anyway. So that's all.

That's all I got. That's all I got for you guys, alright? So, if you like the podcast, subscribe. Show your friends. Show your mom. Show your friends, mom. If you guys want to follow me on Twitter, it's at JoeSanagato. As always, thanks for listening, mother vagas.