The Basement Yard - The Dirtiest Places In The World

Episode Date: August 22, 2017

On this episode, I have @Frank_Alvarez on to talk about the dirtiest parts of your body & some good ole' animal sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard. Uh, today I have one of my good friends, my friend, uh, good friend. Oh, my best friend. Sorry. We're still doing that. I, to the day I die. If I don't say best friend, when introducing Frankie, he gets very upset. Because it hurts. I need the world to know where the fuck I stand. Yeah. Since pre-k. Literally. This is a true story. In second grade, this girl Kelsey gave me this thing on Valentine's Day. It was like this little this little card and it said, uh, to my best friend Joey, love Kelsey. This kid takes it and goes, um, listen, man, thought I was your best friend and he didn't fucking talk to me for like a week. Well, you know, you got to make sure I set the precedent of exactly what the fuck. I mean business.

You know, I mean business, but yeah, pre-k. It's been, well, that's 20 years, 21 years. That's crazy. How old are you in pre-k for? For, I think. I have no idea. Pretty sure it's four years old. What was the point of that? I don't think we even learned anything. We kind of just colored all day. I got screamed at every other day. So it was pretty much just me, like it was home. Do you remember the girl that showed up late? Like we had, we were like already a month in and then she came in and the first day she was like in our class, she blew her nose and put the nap, the fucking tissue back in the box. First of all, I know exactly what you're talking about. Every time she came. Sick. Sick. Like, and not just like a

she always had a bubble, like fucking like the sickest person on the planet. Her name didn't help. She had a real gross name too. It was like Jehovah or like something just nasty. Yeah. I don't know. Sorry, any Jehovah's out there. There's, there was two things I didn't understand growing up. One, how people could just walk around with those bubbles in their nose. Not like even, like it's touching your lip, like it's huge. You know what I'm saying? And the other thing is like, you know when those kids would get chapped lips and they just have a ring of red around their mouth? Yes. How does that happen? That was me in second grade. But like, how does that happen? I, I, is that even chapped lips or like some, just doing a whole lot of that all the fucking time,

all the time. And there was no like end in sight. I remember like, I clearly remember there was a time in second grade, it was around Christmas time because I have a fucking ornament of me, like a picture of me, like with a red ring. Yeah. With a red ring around my mouth. Oh my god. And it was rough. It was a rough time. I don't understand how that can happen. Your lips get chapped. You put chapstick on. It's a very simple formula. We were in second grade. That is simple stuff. We were doing script in second grade. Were we? I don't even know. I don't know how true that is. I just, I'm pretty, pretty sure I still can't tell like, which letters are in cursive or just scribbles. Are they still even teaching them? I feel like

there's no reason. No. The only time I've ever written in script or cursive, we say script, right? I say, I say script. I don't say cursive. Did anyone else, like, did you know anyone that says cursive? You say cursive? Were you guys like taught cursive? I don't like that name. Cursive? Yeah. That's weird. It's too formal. So it's script. It's script. Yeah. Whenever I say that to people, they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? I get so angry when people like write their name in script because I'm like, you fucking pretentious prick. Yeah, that was like that. When they're like, I'll be like, oh, write me like fifth grade. Joey used to get girls writing to him notes all the time. And of course, who was the middleman who always had to intercept the note

and say like, Oh, do you like me? Yes or no? I'd be like this fucking kid. And I throw him at him. And there was one girl who like wrote her questions in script. Do you remember? You know who I'm talking about, obviously. Is it Jane? Yeah. And like her notes would be written in cursive. And I'd be like, this was before we learned it. This was first grade. Yeah, this is like first grade, but we had no clue what was going on. I was like, I don't know. I would like throw him out at that point. They were garbage. Yeah, they were garbage. They were garbage at that point. I remember in fifth grade, I was passing passing notes to Jamie and Miss Barbary. Oh, is that her name? Yeah, Miss Barbary. She took, she intercepted it. Rivas. And then made me like, I had to go up to her

like after class and like, explain this. Yeah, well, you guys used to coup. I probably wrote that you guys used to pass love notes to each other. Oh, yeah. And I clearly remember them like as clear as the day because there was a dance that we were going to the Mount Carmel dance. Oh my God. And I did not dance a second. None of us. I didn't tap my foot. It was the boys running around the outside and like going up to a girl and getting like pissed and then just running around again. I remember like the dances. I like it's no one moved in that place. The best part of the dances though, we're like, remember, we have our graduation dance, like the video of like the woman doing like the like the line dances and stuff like that. Oh, the motivational

whatever the fuck. You know, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, she's like did a fucking 10 lines of cocaine came in there started doing like jumping jacks. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of clapping. A lot of a lot of a lot of diagonal clapping. A z clap. That's what they were doing. I remember that she was on a lot of fucking drugs. Good for her. She's just trying to have a good time. Would you be if you had to run around with 150 fifth graders? Yeah. And I remember that one special ed kid was like grinding with girls. You remember that right? Yeah. He was like going hard. Do you hold on? I forgot that just popped into my head in fifth grade. The special ed kids were terrifying. Do you remember that? This is dangerous territory.

I know it is because people are going to get nervous. What I'm saying, but like it actually like they would beat us up. Yeah, they'd fuck us up at lunchtime. Like it wasn't like when like I'm not saying because there's special ed, but they were like it was like a game and that we were like a part of. We were like run away and if they would hit us. Yeah, we interact like we hung out with them like at like recess. Like it was like there was no like separation and like clicks that we had. There are like fourth and fifth grade now. It was just everyone was just hanging out. Yeah, it was legit scared. Also, to be fair, there were a lot of kids that were in quote unquote special ed in our school that weren't special ed. They just had really bad grades

and didn't give a shit about anything. So those kids fucking just ran it. Just it was nuts. It was crazy. It was a barbaric recess in our elementary school was a barbaric. It was. Do you remember that game we used to play where they like put us up against the wall? No, we or was it? No, yeah, we would take the girls. Wow, this is crazy. This is hard. So like when we say this out loud, it sounds super weird, but literally I recessed in fifth grade. It was like the boys catch the girls and the girls catch the boys like take us and have to pin them against the handball wall. And it's like that's how you got they like lose their power. Like it was very sort of rapey and just not PC at all. We didn't grow up in a very PC time at all, which is awesome because the teachers

were letting us pin girls to the handball wall like if we cried it'd be like what are you crying about? And if it was something serious, it'd be bad. But like back then he's gonna shut up, sit in the corner, time out, big time out guy over here. Oh yeah. Big time out guy. Big time out guy. You were just loving that. Loved it because you didn't do work. I also would cry a lot when I was younger. Fourth grade. I remember Bridget Mondello just said first at last. Look her up. How you doing? How you doing? She social. I forgot what I did. I haven't seen her in Mad Long, but I forgot what I did. But she's like, I'm gonna tell on you. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Tell on me. Soon as she told me burst it out crying. Well, she was the girl that called my

love. She was the girl in second grade who I told that I liked her. Well, excuse me, I like this girl. So to give you some backstory, it was like the first fucking crush I've ever had in my entire life. I clearly remember I was wearing a Bulbasaur t-shirt and I was super like feeling myself that day. And you were like, dude, just tell her. Just tell her or I'm gonna tell her. And I was like, all right. So I like walked up to her in class was like, Hey, well, you know, like, I like you, whatever, went back to my desk shirt over my head, cried the entire day, the entire day, because you forced me to tell her that I liked her. And then, you know, I'm not like, like, I liked liked her, you know, yeah, it was, it was a double light. Oh, yeah. It was a, it was rough.

And then later that day, like, I like stopped crying, like people came over and like consoled me. Yeah, it's gonna be okay. Yeah. And then later that day, at like the end of the day before, like, we were about to leave and go downstairs to get picked up. We were doing like crossword puzzles of like the words that we learned and like language arts that day. And I walked up to her and I was like, so do you like need help? And Joey was like, Oh, you're asking your girlfriend if you need help. And I get turned around. I had so pissed. I said that I was so pissed. What a dick. Yeah, I don't remember that. Yeah, I was rough. It was a rough time. Good times, man. Um, I also didn't know how to clap in second grade.

What? I didn't know how to clap. What does that mean? I didn't, I didn't, didn't know how to do that. I clapped. Have you never been to like an assembly? No, I clapped. I swear to God, I clapped like this. You put, you would slap your fist like you're trying to break in a baseball club. That's how I clapped. I didn't know how to clap. How do you not know how to clap? I just didn't go with it. I didn't like put two and two together. You've never been to like, we graduated from pre-k, the whole crowd's out there doing this. I was not paying attention to them. I was,

that's how I clapped in second grade. There's something wrong with you, I think. I just didn't know how to clap. If that's the all, that's what's wrong with me. I didn't know how to clap. Oh boy. That's bad. Anyway, so that was, that was our lives growing up. Yeah, that was a good one. Right before we were starting this podcast, someone was tweeting me. I was like, hey, don't miss this or something like that. I think you missed this. And they sent me a HuffPo article. The HuffPo is that what we're, that's like the cool thing to call Huffington Post? Can we say that? HuffingtonPost.com. I didn't know what like rights we had to say here. No, you can do whatever you want. I didn't know. Just don't pull your dick out because I don't

want to see it, although I think that would be fine. Kyle, can we show dick on this show? Yeah. Wait, can we actually show dick? I don't care, I'm in the closet. That makes a lot of sense. No, yeah. That does make sense. But the fucking, the title of this is Arkansas Man Accused of Sexually Assaulting Neighbors Donkey. And then it says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's the thing, right? And then it's right under it says, please said the suspect told the marijuana, in quotes, makes him do sick things. Did he mean sick, like demented or sick? Like, yo, I was fucking sick. Fucking nailed a donkey, dude. I was fucking sick.

If that's what, if that's what smoking marijuana does to you, sign me up. Get me a donkey today. Okay. And what, that is the, that is the ultimate response. Like, what happened? Look, marijuana. Oh God, marijuana makes me do sick shit. Yeah. It's fucking exciting. I just imagine him even throwing that up when he says it, like just like sick shit. Oh, fuck. That's good though. So that's good. I wish I was at a point in my life where like, I was ready enough to do something to a donkey. Hold up. I'll give you a second. Just so you're, do you, would you like to keep going or would you like to take back that statement? That's, that's a courageous step in someone's life. Yes, it is. Like when you, bring me

the donkey. I am ready for the donkey. That's like, that's, that's, that's, you're conquering an inner turmoil at that point in time. That's, that's pride. That's a lot of courage. Hold on. And a lot of being high. Hold on. Where are they from? Oh, Arkansas. Arkansas. This, this state is out of control. Apparently. That's where Bill Clinton's from. That's all you need. There you go. Sucking D in the White House. This guy said, uh, they, he told police that they've had problems with people harassing their animals for the past three years. What? This is a popular farm. If you want a fucking animal, head on over to the winnickers. What other animals are on that farm? Who knows? But the donkeys are getting the fucking, the donkeys are

making out like bandits. The donkeys are getting the good stuff. Poor, poor pigs or whatever the hell you are. That's like, I imagine someone, I closed my eyes. I imagine someone saying that wearing like an Etnie's t-shirt, uh, you know, weed socks, DC fucking sneakers. Yeah. Marijuana makes me do say I just listened to a lot of yellow card, a lot, a lot of yellow card, uh, too much. What other animal, like real quick, uh, before we move on from yellow card, people fuck donkeys in Mexico. Uh, what? I'm not the only one that's heard of that. I mean, I'm sure, I'm sure donkeys are getting fucked all over the world. Actually, I'm not too sure of that. I'm not like, you know, I don't know that for certain, but, uh, anyway, this dude, they set up cameras to photograph

intruders, right? So the photos which were turned over to police showed a man placing a bag over one donkey's head and then rubbing his pelvis against the animal's rear. Oh, the first time I read that, I read ear. So it's like, what is he doing? So he was like, he was kind of, it was, it was donkey style, like doggy style, but with the donkey. That was bad. That was bad. Can we edit that? Leave it. No, um, but I mean, rubbing his pelvis. I would love to know, like, he was sane enough to put a bag over the donkey's head. Yeah, what is that? Cause that's terrifying. Aren't you afraid that it's gonna like turn around and kick you? Isn't that a thing that donkeys do? So he was, he was rubbing his pelvis on, wait, aren't you afraid of donkeys gonna like kick you,

like, isn't that a thing? Like a back kick, right? Like a back kick. Yeah, they do that. They do that. I mean, not if you're, I mean, I don't know. And what if, so you know how like, you ever seen that show, like, uh, like the, the show that they had on like Spike TV, which is sick, where it's like they do, like they test out like old weapons and they use like pig skin because it's like the most like closely related to human skin. Right. Do they like fuck donkeys? Cause it's like the most closely related to like what a, like a woman's puss feels like. A donkey? Do donkeys have pusses? What is a female donkey? Donkette? I know that's wrong. I hope it is. But I don't know. Uh, this guy was rubbing his pelvis against the animal's rear. According to ArkansasMatters.com.

What? Oh my God. I'm, I'm proud of this guy. Oh, so, oh, okay. So you know what the bag was? It wasn't like a, it wasn't like, it wasn't like taking like, come here. You know what I mean? The donkey's there. You got him. You don't have to, you know, you go in and nap him. Right. But he had the bag, he was feeding a donkey from a bread bag while rubbing his pelvis against him. Oh, so he like put like the feeding trough on it. Yeah. Distract him. That makes him fun. With hand A and then with hand B. Over here, over here. Yeah. Yeah. Feed him the bread and you could do whatever the fuck you want. I'm sure that's how humans are too. But wait, the language here, rubbing his pelvis against the animal. When I'm thinking pelvis, I'm thinking hip bone over here.

You know what I mean? On the side. Your pelvic bone is right here. I thought your pelvis was, was like this. No. I mean, it's a structure of bones, but like people think pelvis, they think of what's in the middle of it. But like who would say pelvis in that situation? Fucking Arkansas news reporters. Yeah, but they don't know. Like that's probably the most risqué thing that they were probably typing it like, Oh my God. Rubbing his pelvis, typing with the left hand, jerking it with the right hand. Rubbing his pelvis. Yeah, but I don't know. So the pic, this is the picture of the guy who looks like he's definitely fucked many a donkey. Listen. That's him. That's a, that's a good looking guy. Can we get it? Can we get a zoom in on this man's

face? It's public records. So we can show it. We can. This guy is fucking donkeys. Okay. He looks like he's grizzled enough to have at least caught another few donkeys that night. Oh. There was like, there were other donkeys that are not being spoken about. Here's the thing too. Justice for donkeys. I'm no like, you know, bestiality, you know, doctor or anything. Not a special or, or I think, I think one that specializes in bestiality, but my guess is you don't just go straight to donkey. Yeah, you got to work your way up. There's, there's at least a dog and a cat in there somewhere. There's easily a dog, which is, which pains me to say I love dogs, but a dog got fucked in this thing. In the circle of working their way up to donkeys. Right. You don't just

go right to donkey pigs too. There's a pig in there. No, we're so waiting. What do you think is a natural progression? Start with the dog. Okay. The first thing that happens, right? So you're, you jerk off a lot, right? You don't just go to animals. Yeah, you have to think about it. You jerk off to the point where it's like, this isn't doing enough for me. It starts just like a fucked up thought, but then you're like, this could be a real thing. Right. And then I think one day you start doing weird shit with your dick, right? Like you start like dipping it into foods or like slamming it in doors, trying to get a different sensation. This isn't doing it. But then, then you go to, you go to a dog, but I don't think you bang the dog.

I think you just cover yourself in peanut butter. You finger the dog first. Oh, was that a guess or your statement? You finger the dog. That's where you start off. Yeah. Pete is going to love this episode. Oh, we're in trouble. We're going to be on a podium and fucking on a Tuesday morning. Good luck getting them on. I'm so sorry for the way that you should never finger a dog. No one should have sex with animals until we get the technology to understand consent from them. That is a good, like I'm saying, like when we have the technology so they, so we can like tell what they're saying, like, yes, no, then at that point, it's fine, right? Is there any animal that's kind of on your list? Like that you're red shirting currently? I been waiting for the right opportunity for the worst

reasons. Okay, I don't like the way that you're looking at me right now for the worst reasons, raccoons. I hate those. I would never ever fuck a raccoon. I'd hate those little fucks. No, I'm not. Those are possums. I've always had a thing against possums. I'm not fucking raccoons, dude. Listen, if the if the opportunity presents itself, is it? You know what I would love to loves a strong word. Well, listen, remember, marijuana makes you do sick shit. Dude, you know what I'm saying? Imagine like fucking like a whale. You probably have to use your feet. The feet. I'm walking in and out that some bitch. Yeah, I guess so. I'm diving. I guess it's like, it's like a bunch. I feel like it'd be like a bungee

jump, like attached like elastic to my legs and I'm going down. Where did we go? This is not what we go. Where did we go? Where did we go? Where did we go wrong? We made that wrong turn at Albuquerque. Yeah, Arkansas. That's that's a that's a reference to Bugs Bunny. What? I'm never gonna fucking ask about that. Before we move on, let's get to the sponsor today. Only one, the faithful Blue Apron. Okay, the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Guys, I'm not going to read this whole thing. Let me put it this simply. They have a bunch of fucking great food that shows up to your doorstep in a box with like little freezer things in the bottom of it. And they have pre portioned meals with instructions

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when you came up with this one. Yeah. I didn't like that you brought that up. Yeah, I was sleeping when you thought of this whole sex offender thing. But now that I'm thinking about it, I did wake up to you taking pictures of me. Yeah, that video was hilarious. It is good. But anyway, so the sex offenders thing, right? So sex offenders, apparently, I don't know if this is like true or not, but I've always been told that when they move into a new neighborhood, they have to go around and like tell people that they're a sex offender. Is that like accurate? I don't know the laws anymore. Um, what does that mean? At one point in time, I'm pretty sure it was. And there's so that stuff is public record. You can go online and you can literally put in your

your zip code and it'll tell you their exact address, their name, what they were like, how long they were in prison. What's the website? I'm doing it right now. FamilyWatchDog.us. FamilyWatchDog? FamilyWatchDog.us. You know, because you know how I know who's on there? Crazy Tony. I remember that. Crazy Tony's on there. I'm putting my current address. Just put in the zip code. That's all you need. Oh, okay. And it'll give you like a five mile radius. Anyone else ever done this? You guys ever done this? You guys never checked out your offenders in your area? Really? Used to be in that. This guy was all over it. It's the Tinder of sex offender. There's a lot. That's just,

that's just, wait, they're different colors. Where's the, where's that? That's just Jersey, Manhattan and Queens right there. Okay. So the colors are like the severity. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. It's freaky. There's sexual battery offense against child and rape. Hold on. I need to look like here's the reality of it. Like they're unfortunately are more like crimes that can get you on the register. This one looks like it's in my fucking building. It's across the street. There is a, what is this one? Oh, against the child. I'd kill someone. I really would. They're down the block. Oh, that's not my house. That's not me. Never mind. Wrong house, guys. Not across the street, but very close, but definitely close.

Just going to a story. This is terrifying. Take a look at it in the story. It's terrifying. Dude, when you back up, this looks like a fucking, a rainbow sprinkle cone. They're everywhere. You know what's crazy is I in college, I did a, like we did like a massive like, like two classes, like a whole week dedicated to why the sex offender registry doesn't work. So there's a lot of like rules on where people can live when they're sex offenders, what they can do and stuff like that. They can't live within like a certain amount of distance from a school. So what that's meant to do is track people, but if in inner cities, it's almost impossible to not live that close to a school, a lot of them become homeless. And at that point

in time, the registry is completely useless because if you can't track them because they're homeless, here's my thing about sex offenders, right? So let's, so we just saw, we do have a friend. So it takes, if you get caught peeing in public three times, technically you have to register, you have to register as a sex offender. I'm not going to say who it is. You know who you are. We have a friend that has been caught twice. He's skating on thin ice, thin ice. Right. At this point, piss your pants. I would rather, yeah, like that's death. I wouldn't even pee in anywhere that wasn't my house at that point. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I'll hold it. But anyway, so the sex offenders thing, they have to go door to door knocking on people's doors and telling

them, Hey, I'm a sex offender. I'm living down the street, which is a weird concept to begin with because I feel like if that happened to me, I'd be like, thank you. Like goodbye. Like what is that conversation like? Yeah, that's a rough one. But what my thing is like, I've, that's never happened to me. No one's ever knocked on my door, but like it's up in sex fender living down the street, right? That's never happened to me, nor has it happened to anybody I know ever. Yeah, it's never happened to me. Anyone you know, I don't think I've ever met anyone here. He got a knock on the door and a guy's like, yo, what's up in the sex offender? Exactly. Or a girl, it can happen. Women can be on the registry as well. Any sex offender that hasn't happened. So are they knocking?

I don't know. It might not be a law anymore. It might not be. You know what? That would make a lot of sense because it like, it just, that's a weird thing. Do you ever see the, the, the arrested development, the fourth season where Tobias gets put on the registry and he's like talking and he's like, yeah, you know, I'm just having a good day and I want to make the show and I'm a registered sex offender and I just need to make sure that, you know, I'm having a good, like slips it into every conversation. It's good. It's good stuff. That would be my strategy. I, I don't know how I would go about doing it. I just feel like the whole concept of like, hey, don't let sex offenders near your children,

but they're going to come knock on your door, open it up. So they're going to have this conversation. Like what? Well, I think there was one where it was like, they had to put a sign on their lawn too. Jesus. Yeah. And it's like here resides a registered sex offender, like old yield English. At this here estate resides a sex offender. Jesus. And they can't like go out on Halloween. They can't answer the door on Halloween. Halloween is probably a tough one for them. That's like the Christmas of sex offender. Oh man. Oh boy. No, this is a good beer. I'll say it's the episode. It sneaks up on you. Drives us off the edge. Let me tell you. Oh man. Anyway,

I got something for you. Oh, I wrote down some would you rather. Oh, here we go. And I'm going to ask them to you. Okay. And anyone feel free. Anyone they can contribute as well. I'll start off. I'm going to start off. I'm going to go aggressive. Excuse me. Not aggressive, aggressive, not aggressive, aggressive. Okay. I have a feeling they're all aggressive. No, they're not. Okay. Would you rather be stranded in space or stranded in the ocean? Literally the two worst places on the earth. You're dead in both scenarios. Wow. Am I in an astronaut suit? Yeah, obviously you're not. You'd be dead if you weren't. You're in an astronaut suit and with ample amount of oxygen in space. Yes. And you're in

a diver suit with ample amount of oxygen in the ocean. Which ocean? I don't know why that matters. Pacific warm water. Is it warm? I think so. Because it comes, the stream comes from the Gulf. Well, not the Gulf, but it comes from the south. I think my earth science, Mr. Frampton, if you're listening to this. Sorry. All right. You know what? Since we're dead either way. Are we dead either way though? Because I feel you have more of a chance of living. You tell me. Okay. I will obviously pick ocean. Okay. Because I feel like that I at least have even a fraction of a percent of surviving. Fair enough. Because you could swim. That's what I was thinking. In space? No way. No way. I mean,

unless someone comes to get you. There's people out in space right now. Sandra Bullock? They can do like a rescue. They can do like a rescue search and rescue mission. No. I mean, like listen, call me crazy. Space would be kind of cool because of the view. Yes. That would be dope. Yes, it would. But you have the chance of like being sucked into a black hole. How cool would that be? What do you do? I don't know. I really thought that's what you're going for. Oh, no, I wasn't. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Well, like I agree. Like the ocean, small chance that you live are very small, but still small chance. Yeah, but you can, you can, yeah, but you can make, you can body surf back to shore or something. No. Do I have a life vest because

then I'm making it? Yeah. Like you're in like, you're in a raft. I'm in a raft? No, all right. No raft. No raft. Oh. Your response made me take the raft. All right. I'm picking ocean. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Would you rather date a girl who smells like garbage or has a really deep voice? Now, how deep? Like talk to you like honestly. Like the whale from Elf? The narwhal? Narwhal, you mean? Or whatever. Get up to date on your mythical beings, Joe. Or, or like James Earl Jones, because that's deep. I'm saying like deep. I'm not going like deep like us. Like I'm saying deep, like, like baritone, like gets down there. Okay. Oh, like, yeah. Or smells like garbage. Like very white. Smells like, so, and then smells like garbage.

Like, like literally smells like, remember the way I smelled on the way back from Vegas? The worst thing I've ever smelled in my life. Yeah. 112 degrees plus chafing equals dump. Yeah. Yeah. Balls. Yeah. Can we mask the garbage smell? I mean, you can try. Nothing fixes it. You can try. Not even like a garlic bath or something. But then you end up with, first of all, sign me up for a garlic bath. I've never heard of it, but I'm all about garlic. Love garlic bread. Second of all, then you just end up with the gall. The what? The garbage smell plus that smell mixed into one. All right. I'll take the deep voice. You'll take the deep voice.

If she's smoking hot. Well, I never said smoking hot. Give me something. No. No, no, no, no. You don't deserve it. All right. So what is she? One to 10? I'll say like a strange eight. I'll take the strange. Strange eight with the deep voice. It's strange either way. She's got a deep voice. Really? You're going garbage smell? That's really tough. Because like the smell, I feel like you can get away without doors. You know, like when you walk into a room and it smells like your own stink and your body just becomes used to it. Oh, you're banking on you getting used to this garbage. I'm banking on me getting used to the smell. Because like how I mean, you're getting intimate and it's like,

oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, like, yeah, just they also speak like that. Everyone's the fucking Kool-Aid man. Oh, yeah. All right. Here we go. Not as aggressive. Would you rather cry every time you laugh or laugh every time you cry? Cry every time I laugh or laugh every time you cry. This is deep. Deeper than that girl's voice in the last question. Because think about it. Are those different? Yeah. Like you're laughing all the time and you just start profusely crying or like you're like a sad cry or like a happy, funny cry. What's a happy, funny cry? Like, you know, you laugh so hard you cry. That's what I'm saying. Oh, every time or anytime you cry, you start to laugh because that can be inappropriate.

Yeah, like a funeral. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, no, the hands of company. Yeah, no, I'll take the other one. What's the other one? Cry every time you laugh. I feel like I do that anyway. Okay. All right. I guess that wasn't as good. Okay. I'm not gonna like this one. I'm not. I'm not, right? Yeah, I'm not gonna like it. Would you rather? Yep. Mid-coitus. Have a girl pee on you every time you're in the middle of sex or every time you shared a bed, she's sharp. And I mean, like, just like, oh, nap. How much shit? Enough to notice. That's a lot of change your sheets. I hate making my bed.

Or every time you have sexy pees on you. And I'm not talking like a little like, you know, what the fuck was that? That's a unit of measure. Not a wink worth. Okay. I'm talking like a full pee, like a drunk pee. Not a drunk pee. That's a lot. That's a ton of pee. That's a lot of pee. Yeah, no, no, no. I'll take the pee. Really? Bro, it's shit. You have to change your sheets for pee, too. That's true. Unless you're fucking on the floor. I was gonna say, or in the bath. The shower. Well, the bath. Why do you go there? My shower is a bath. Fair enough. Um, yeah, the shitting doesn't get cool. But pissing ruins everything. Like,

shitting at least it's controlled by you. Like, it's on your person. Is it? It ruins you. It doesn't ruin the environment. When you piss somewhere, if I piss in that corner, this whole room is fucked. If you shit in that corner, you think it's gonna be good times in here? I said, sharp. I didn't say full on dump in the corner. Like, it's, dude, it's confined to the person at that point in time. Have you ever smelled like a tiny dog shit? They're like little M&Ms. It smells like garbage. It smells like shit. I've never really had, to be honest with you. Okay, well, it's terrible. And just because the amount of shit is smaller than the amount of pee, doesn't mean I'd have to smell pissed and shit.

But that's out in the open. If I, if I shit myself, and it's on myself. Oh, she sharts on herself. That's what I'm saying. Like, she's not like, when I say sharp, like, when you think of a sharp, you're not like, full on like dumping out. You know what I mean? Like, it's- Unless you've completely like given up. Give it up. Like, well, fuck it at this point. As you just go with it. Yeah. Just follow through. The follow through. Yeah. It's like confined to the person. It's like they ruin their own pants and their own drawers. You're really trying to sell me on this shit, huh? Listen, I'm showing you the caveat of one versus the other. And I've used that word like five times today. Haven't used it in like

10 years. I think I'm still going to go pee. Fuck it. I just got beer all over myself. Yeah, it's fine. All over. Yeah, I could see it. My brand new villain club shirt. Yeah. It's good stuff. Anyway, since we're kind of on this topic, sort of, this is like, we have some pretty good segues in this show today. Um, so yeah, so recently I've been getting like not, I don't, I'm not going to say I've been getting like over time, I've seen it and I've gotten it where girls will be like, oh my God, sit on my face. Right. So I kind of wanted to talk about that because I kind of want to address the fact that you want me to sit on your face. So first things first, are dudes out here sitting on faces? I really hope not. I can genuinely say

I hope, I hope for not a lot of things in this world. I hope that like, like poverty ends. I hope that we figure out like what's going on with our country's political climate. And I really hope that guys aren't sitting on people's faces. Yeah. I really, I've never seen that. I've never seen that like in a porno. You know, I don't, I'm not a porno guy. Right. But I'm glad to hear that. I'm really glad to hear that that's not being done because from clips that I've seen like joke clips, I've been like, this is preposterous. If I saw that, it would be the end of time. Like, I don't know if girls realize what a dude's ass looks like because it doesn't look like a porno dude ass. Like I, those things are stripped naked. Yeah. Real, real guys, real assholes are not,

not, not fun. They're not good. They're not. You wouldn't want to hang out with them. You don't. You definitely would not. No, you'd rather hang out with sex offenders. Like when you see, you know, like girls will see a guy or like even guys will look at a guy and be like, wow, not a lot of arm hair and not a lot of facial hair. But his fucking ass will. That's where it all went. Yeah. That's where it went. His fucking ass. That's where it went. I mean, and then there are some people like Nick, our friend Nick. Right. Hair everywhere. Right. Dipped in honey, dipped in pubes. That's, that's exactly how he was created. That's literally how he was created. Yeah, I think so. But yeah, so I don't really. How does a guy get his ass eaten and like it doesn't

look like, whoa, like girly, you know, because I feel like when the, with the legs up, the legs up thing is like, that's not ideal. Look, I'm a flexible guy, but yeah, that's not the coolest. Even that shout out to my Thor socks, by the way. Those are pretty dope. I know. And then like the other, we know the other option. Yeah, like a dude's doggy style bent over. Does that happen? Hope not. Dudes are here in their ass eating doggy style. That's kind of heavy. Like it's a, it's a dangerous area. Like there's a lot going on there. A lot. I can't, I can't, I'm sorry. I don't want it done. I'm good with, you know, vaginas. Those are sick. Those are sick. Make me do sick shit.

I don't know, man. It's also a very dirty area of the body. Yeah, very dirty. By the way, do you know, cause like, when I was prepping for the show, I looked up the seven dirtiest parts of your body. So I kind of want to get a guess from everyone. What do you think is the dirtiest part of your body? I'm going to say something on our hands or I would say our hands. Something on our hands. Like, like, I feel like our fingers were always in touch. Like people are always like, well, you're a fucking cell phone has so much more bacteria than your toilet. Yeah, I would say our hands. Okay. What's your guess?

I'm going to go, I wasn't going to go hands, but just for conversation, I'm going to say feet. Feet. What about you? You're covered. Mouth. Mouth? Kyle, what you got? Back of the ear. Back of the ear. That's what I was my other guess. So I don't know what the fuck Kyle was basing that off of, but he's right. The mouth. The mouth is right. As he's chewing gum. Yeah. He's no stranger to the bacteria. But apparently,

uh, it's, it's like the worst fucking place on earth. It's like, there's tons of bacteria. I, I did some video once where they said there was like, 500 different types of bacteria in your mouth. That's it. Discess pool in there. That's it. Your body, like your intestines have like billions of strands of bacteria. When you said that's it, I really realized how uneducated I am. And I'm probably wrong. 500 is not a lot for the human body. That's probably, it's probably way more. The mouth? Really?

Yeah. So two. Asshole. Duh. They wrote anus, but it's like asshole. You know, if we're, if we're talking about dirty stuff. Anus is such a German word to me. Yeah. It's, yeah. It's like, it's like a, it's a delicacy. Anus is like a clean thing. I don't think you know what delicacy means.

No, but it sounds like a delicacy. That's what I'm trying to say. Like anus. Okay. Like escargot. And squab. Yeah. What's he saying? Squab is cooked pigeon. Anus is number two. That makes sense.

But I feel like anus is like the clean version. So like we're talking about dirty stuff. Asshole. Number three. No one's going to guess this ever. Back of your knee. No. Why did you say back of your knee? You said I'd never guess it.

Forearm. What? Oh, that kind of makes sense. You know, when you wash your hands. What the fuck? Well, how do you wash your hands? You know, when you rub it on your, you're like. No, I don't like, I'm not fucking no more Garcia power at the plate.

Fucking touching my elbows and forearms and shit. Yeah, I could see that. No, see that forearm. Oh, well, people sneeze into it too. Right here. We're sneezing. That's elbow, bro. But like.

Yeah, he's dabbing. I sneeze and I dab. Number four. Under the fingernails. This one makes sense. That one definitely makes sense. Dirty. Dirty.

I remember for my job, they were like teaching us how to wash our hands. And they're like, make sure you scrub under your fingernail. First of all, your job was teaching people how to wash their hands. Okay. What? No, like, I, because I had to like deal with food. So I was like, how to properly wash your hands. And we're like, make sure you get under your fingernails.

And I was like, how much time do you think I got? Yeah, like, how am I getting under there? You know, we're, you guys got a power washer. I could just blow some water. What am I getting under with? You know what I mean? Like my other fingernails that's like. Yeah.

Adding fuel. Counterproductive. Yeah. Number five, belly button. Hello. Oh, that's surprising to me. It depends what kind you got. I feel like Audis, that was gotta be clean.

They're on the outside. Innis, we got problems. I say the opposite. Really? The Audis are catching all the debris that come by. Yeah, but they can also get rid of that when they're showering. Innis, that water's jumping right over your button. I guess.

I feel like we should get rid of the belly button, by the way. I'm gonna start a petition. Like Kyle X, Y. Remember, just like, just get rid of that. Remember that show from like fucking the WB back in the day? That all the promotional like, marketing was like, just him without a belly button. I was like, where is he from? Yeah.

You ever bring up that show again? I'll beat you with this microphone. It's number six, your face. That's, how does your face get dirty? But see, I guess touching your face. What do you mean by face? Do they mean cheeks and forehead? Your face is always exposed to all manner of dirt, hence getting it to the list.

But then see, I find mouth to be, like, they mean inside of the mouth then? Ears, eyes, and the nose all accumulate dirt. Yeah, that's literally why our eyebrows and eyelashes are for, to catch it. Really? Yeah, they're defense mechanisms for our body. Facial hair, any hairs are defense mechanism. Lot of defense. Number seven, the seventh, made the list.

Foreskin. That is so obvious. I don't have that problem. I think, yeah, neither do I. But I think about, like, our friends that have openly said they have it, and they're the dirtiest people I know. I've said this numerous times, numerous times. Not a big uncircumcised dick guy.

I don't have a dick guy. Enough of a sample size. Yeah, not that I'm a dick guy. But if I was a dick guy. Everyone can appreciate a good dick. Well, everyone can appreciate a good dick. Everyone can appreciate a good dick. Right.

You look at it, you know, and you're like, that's solid. That is a, that's, like, you take a sense of pride. It's like, all, like, guys are like, we stand together because we all have dicks. And then you see another one and you're proud for it. It's like moms looking at other moms and like, they did it. Good, you're a good mom. You're a good mom. You did it.

That's how I feel about looking at other good dicks. It's like, good for you. You earned this. Did you just, it sounded like you slurped soup. Maybe. Jesus. I don't know. The foreskin.

Is that it? Just seven? Yeah, it was just the seven. I'm sure there's more, obviously. That's a dangerous group. I'm gonna go on a limb here and say every part of the body is pretty fucking dirty. I won't see the feet are covered all the time. Yeah.

Unless you're like one of those guys that says cheers instead of thanks. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where's like flip flops everywhere? You're at the bar. You're wearing thong flip flops, cargo shorts. And like an ironic shirt. Yeah.

Like a shirt that says like beer and it's a bear with deer antlers or some stupid shit. Oh, wow. That's a really bad shirt. Oh, you're like, I feel bad for people like that because you know they want to get made fun of, but you just can't do it because they'll come back at you and just let them know like, hey, check your privilege. Thong flip flops in like a public setting is really upsetting. I've worn them once and I lost them and I think it was a sign from God.

Oh, it was. I'm not a big religious person, but it was definitely like just leave them. Don't do this ever again. Wait, how did you go somewhere and lose them? What republic? Makes a lot of sense. That is. Las Vegas will take everything from you, including your thong flip flops.

It is taking everything. It has taken everything from me as well. My innocence, everything I have pretty much. I don't like. Here's the thing, right? I like, like I said, I'm going to go on a limb and say that the entire body is kind of dirty. And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think I'm like the best washer there is in the world.

I take quick showers. I'm an aggressive washer. I got like, I have a luffa. I don't have anything close to that. Like I double wash. I have bar soap as like the initial wash. And then like, you know, like old spice soap to like for the fragrance. What happened to you?

I, as I grew up, I knew what. Double washing. As I grew up, I knew what my body was trying to produce and trying to keep people away. So I was like, I need to double wash. Double washing. Okay. So you, you go soap and then you do old spice. So I go bar soap.

I have, uh, everyone goes bar. I have, uh, is there like a lit anyone who's doing body soap, whatever that shit is, body gel. I have dove. I have dove soap and I, you know, and then I'll do, I have like a whole process. Yeah. And then after I, because I have long hair, after I, uh, do that,

I wait about a minute and a half. And if I'm conditioning my hair that day, I conditioned my hair. Why are you talking like that? Because white, white Frank is coming out. Yeah. And then, and then pump a gel, pump a gel. What the fuck is that? A pump of gel.

Oh. Like I, I have the one that has like the, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And, uh, I take a pump of old spice and then just kind of wash it up. And then I just scrubbed. That's for fragrance really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. You can't rely on, oh, here's a question I have for you. I don't, here's the thing. This is like weird, but I don't smell. I wish. Like my, like my under, I haven't worn deodorant in maybe seven years. I have not worn it because I don't smell. It's weird.

I've had girlfriends in that time. So, you know, I've worn deodorant. Right. No, but I don't, I, it's so weird. Like I can go and play like four hours of basketball, come home, not smell at all and be a sweaty fucking. I smell spicy when I do that. I smell, I literally smell like someone like dipped me in chili powder and was like,

That's disgusting. Oh, it's the worst. Oh, I've smelled that first. But you know what? Love my own stench. My feet kind of smell sometimes. Love my own stench. I'm not going to, I'm not going to, you know, run over that.

We're going to go back. Love my own filth. Okay. You don't? No. Mr. I don't smell. I don't. You know, hey, I'm on YouTube.

Oh, you know, fucking get the, you're real. You piece of shit. I don't smell. You smell like garbage sometimes. There have been mornings where you've woken up and I've spoken to you and be like, whoa, my mouth smells. Yeah. Your mouth smells.

Okay. My farts are disgusting. I, I don't think I'm. My feet get there. My mouth. Yes. But I brush my teeth obviously. But like under my arms, I'm talking about strictly armpits.

Oh, armpits, like those smelled to me, but I don't think I get close enough to someone to have them like smell my armpits. Yeah. I don't know. So a question for you. Do you wash your back? Dude, not one time in 25 years. Are you kidding me?

Not one time. So how do you like hope your back is clean? It's not clean. I'm cool with that. What? My spine is probably the dirtiest thing on this side of the Mississippi. I'm telling you. It's a lot of stuff on this side of the Mississippi.

There is. There's like. I like, I have to like, you don't. So you like just let like the soap run down your back and you think, that's good. I don't even do that. What?

Are you crazy? Dude, I do nothing. My shins haven't seen a bar of soap. No way. Anything that I can't reach while standing doesn't get washed. I wash my shins with like my bar of soap. And that's like the first thing I wash and it like hurts my legs. You wash your shins first.

I wash head to toe is getting soaked up. I go dick, gooch, ass. Knock out the big ones first. Okay. Then I go like chest, stomach. I always say this is the cleanest part of my whole body because I'll just feel like.

So clean. I'll just be here with soap. So clean. I'll just be here all day. Yeah. My, my fucking chest is like beyond. You can eat dinner off of it. That would make it dirty.

But my arm, then I go armpits, arms. This is another thing. I don't put soap on my face. Oh, I don't. Haven't done that in years either. I have face wash. No, I haven't. Water goes on my face.

That is all. I have face wash. I don't put anything on my face ever. Yeah. I'm convinced that soap makes me break out. Well, regular body soap. Yeah. Not face wash.

What the fuck is face wash? It's like geared toward your face. The same way that like there's certain like, like, like summer's eve is geared toward women's fucking bonches. Like you said that. Bonches. Like there's soap geared toward faces. Okay.

Fuck, you mean okay? Like that's the, that's what you're supposed to use. If you don't, I don't use anything. You're crazy. I'm not using anything. You're crazy. I think it's all a fucking scam. I come home from work and I'm like, I feel so oily and gross.

Shower. I pour water on it. I'm chilling. What? No, these pores run deep. Oh, my knee. These pores run deep. No, no, no.

I need to wash them out. I don't know. And my back is disgusting. The back of my legs are probably also equally like there's new shit. The only thing I could say I don't wash all the times the bottom of my feet. Oh, never. Dude, there was, there was, I can remember there was two times after football practice in high school that I washed the bottom of my feet because like it was raining.

So there was mud all in my feet. And I was like, okay, this is obviously fucking disgusting. So I washed it and I washed about my foot. As soon as I put my foot down, I almost fucking fell. So I don't do that anymore. I'm like, fuck that because I'm going to kill myself in here. No, I have to wash it. You ever take a shower sitting down?

Sitting down. I lay down in the shower sometimes. How big is this fucking shower you're in? Not big. What I do is I, what I do is I lay down and I put my legs up on the wall. No, you don't. I swear to God I do. When I was in high, like when I was in high school in like the mornings,

I'd get up and like be so tired. I'd lay down in the shower and take like another five minute nap. What the hell? It was rough. I hated, I spend way too much time in the shower just because I love the shower. I don't, I literally take less than seven minute showers. What? Yeah.

I'm all about the shower. No. All about it. I'm in, I get wet. I enjoy the hot water for a second and then I wash everything, shampoo and I'm fucking out. I'm like, what are you doing in there? I like, I FaceTime in it.

I FaceTime. Oh, I know that. Yeah, I FaceTime. Every time you FaceTime me, you're in the shower. I FaceTime a lot in the shower. FaceTime a lot. I love the FaceTime shower. Love it.

I play with, I play with my hair. I put it up in like funky do's. Funky do's. Funky do's. Oh my God. I love, I can spend more time in the shower than I could anywhere else in this building. What? Tell you, these things sneak up on you.

Yeah, sweet action, huh? It's like 8% alcohol. This is, you crushed that. This, I'm still like, well, this is the horn. Dude, this was delicious. Oops, I mangled my pants by San City Brewing. Anyone in the New York area, it's from Long Island. Fucking delicious.

Does it, is it mango-y? Yeah, definitely mango-y. Let me smell it. Well, I mean, there's probably not much left. I know, but I just want to smell it. You can smell the mango. Yeah, it's got it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow. That's good. That's good, right? I like that. All about beer. I can't do vodka. Remember what happened to me on vodka last year? No.

At Vegas? No. Daylight? Oh, yeah. Don't do it. Don't. That's it. That's a rough story.

Well, then I'm not proud of, and I'm not going to tell. No, no, no. I don't think we should. We should leave that one for a different time. That's great. Maybe we can get more comfortable here. Here's the real problem. Yeah.

Yeah. Are these good? Oh, delicious. I'm all about cracking beers in people's faces. Do you know one time I did that to Eleni, and the beer, I guess I did it too hard, and it fucking exploded all over her? She wanted to kill me. Do you know who I did that to?

Every time I crack a beer in my brother Chris's face, it blows up, and he gets so pissed. And I, well, first of all, my brother Chris is pissed at the world, period. Yeah. Like, he like, yo, that ass, yo, like, yo, I just want to fuck with you, yo, that ass. That's how his brother talks. That's 100%. If anyone, if anyone was wondering. That's 100% on my brother Chris talks.

I'm not a fan of this. Really? Oh, I can drink these like water. You know why? Because Trillium, really good. Oh yeah. Love it. This, it's just a different.

Sex point's great. It's good if I started with it. You know, I can't go see. I can't start with craft beers. I need to get there. A lot of people get straight up diarrhea from my PAs. That doesn't happen to me. I don't understand how.

I mean, my body's a dumpster anyway, so like everything does that. But I can, I don't understand how they do that from my PAs. Good five years of my life, I could turn anything into water. I remember there was once you were like, you want to see a magic trick? I'm going to turn this gyro into water in 30 minutes. That literally would happen to me. That's where it would happen. Anything I would eat, I would have to take a shit immediately.

Yeah, you might want to get that checked out. I did. You know what it was? You just have to eat good. That's it. Eat more fiber. Eat just, you know, healthy stuff. I've been good.

Anyway, I think that's all. That is all, right? I hope so. That's it? I think so. All right. Where can people find you if they want to contact me? A few places on Twitter.

I'm at Frank underscore alvarez80 Instagram. I don't remember what my Instagram is. It's all screwed up. I believe it's F alvarez80. I don't remember. F alvarez underscore 80. Hello. I mean, as you can tell,

villain club, for anyone out there that watches wrestling. Oh, yeah. I real big into wrestling. Me and Nick, our friend Nick, have a wrestling podcast out of Senegato Studios. Hello. How you doing? Called the squared circle jerks.

That means two things. And you can follow us on Twitter at scjpod. Scjpod. For a good time. Oh, yeah. It's going to be a, oh, there's some good events coming up. We're just going to get, I'm going to my first wrestling event. NXT.

NXT on next Saturday. You're going to, it's going to be a cowboy ranger. It's going to be a cowboy ranger. Yeah, but if you guys aren't watching this, you can go to fullscreen.com slash basement yard. Put in the promo code basement for a free month, and then it's only $6 a month after that. And we're going to do some cool stuff

on the extra yard, which is a 15 minute segment that is exclusively available on fullscreen. So if you get it, you get to watch it. If not, fuck you. And that is all, and we'll see you guys next time later.