The Basement Yard - The Extra Yard - History Hyenas

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

On this episode, we are joined by Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas from the "History Hyenas Podcast" and honestly it goes off the rails from the beginning...Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the Extra Yard. I'm Chris DiStefano. This is Giannis Papas. We are the history hyenas and we are both transgender Eskimos. Yeah, that's who we are today. And that's just today. And that's okay. And you can laugh at that. And I understand that. But that's what we identify as today. Yeah. And there's nothing that you can really say against that because right now I'm feeling like a transgender Eskimo. I want to tuck my dick back and put a clown dick up my ass. And that's what he wants to do. And you guys laugh at us. That's, you know, I don't know if you're doing that to punch down or punch up. No, I'm laughing with you. Okay, go. I left that a laugh. I left that a laugh. Okay.

Just don't punch down because make no mistake. We have on a couple of cute sweaters. We do. Yeah. And you guys are kind of matching too. This one's more like, you know, knitted. It looks like someone's grandma made it. This one is like you bought a J crew. Yeah, I bought a Banana Republic 10% off. Yeah, we look like backup dancers for rappers. I remember they always had matching outfits. They did. Yeah, you guys are like, look like a, like a Christmas card. And you guys are matching, matching too, both in black. Every time we do a podcast together, we look like versions of ourselves. That's what I'm going on. I just posted on the Santa Gato studio story that I'm convinced. The honest is my biological father. That's

probably true. How old are you? I'm 30. So yeah, I would have had to have you at. Yeah, I wouldn't have had come in my dick yet, but 14. I was 14. Yeah, no, I don't think I don't think I could come till about 15. That's a normal. Nope. Yeah. That's a late developing body. I don't think I think 14. I was doing that. You know, like, no, it's not coming at 14. Yeah, absolutely. You're eighth grade high school. I was 14. Yeah. Mine was 18. You kids these days. Yeah. First girl I had sex with black, nice, hot, half black, half Jamaican, half Italian girl. Yeah. First girl I had sex with was half black and half white. Yeah, no, they're the best. Yeah. I remember we had sex and I swear she came to my house and

she had on a do rag. I'm not lying. Nice. She had on a do rag and she loved playing basketball and she was hot. Was she a guy? She might have been a guy. And we had sex. She asked if my mom was home and I said no. And then I swear she asked me to get her some apple juice. I guess that's what turned her on. Yeah. And then we had sex and I got like three or four pumps and it was bad, man. Like it was really, really bad. Oh, it was a quick thing. Quick. She had already had sex. So I was already like really insecure about that and my emotions tipped. I remember I went in the bathroom. I started like tearing up. I had a lot of Catholic guilt. I felt like I disrespected my mother. Yeah. And then I remember we hung out for like another

two times and then it was over. Did she keep the do rag on during the sexual act? She kept the do rag on during sex and she just had a sports bra on. So you couldn't pull her hair. You just had to put your hand on her head? Yeah. No, like you're fucking Kenny Smith. And I remember. It was very loving basketball. Loving basketball. And I'll never forget. I remember like for background noise, I put on Ace Ventura when nature calls VHS in my room. That's what everyone wants to have sex. You know when you're having sex though and there is something on the TV and you kind of chuckle at it and it's kind of awkward for a second. Yeah. But I'm like, I'm actually listening to the TV while I'm having sex. Yeah. Yeah. I've also gotten head and my

fiance is like watch TV while she does it. Yeah. And it probably feels a certain way about it. But then I'm just like, that's all right. That's what you call relationship. Let it have a good time. Let it catch up on the fucking, what's that fucking stupid show? What? Downton Abbey. I've never seen it. I've seen that either. It's terrible. I have seen the crown. It's old white women talking about being rich. Yeah. That's real relationship sex if you're like watching TV while you're doing it. Yeah. I don't, I used to. I've done this a million times when we put friends on in the background. I used to take it. I could get some pleasure out of this. I used to take it so personally. I'm like, well, my dick's not good enough for you. It's not entertaining. You don't

like this? And then I'm just like, you know what? Yeah. I understand. It's not a karaoke microphone. Like it's just your penis. Yeah. Which is probably not great to begin with. Let's be honest. And I just got over Chlamydia. Oh, nice. Hey guys. Yeah. All the, all the dick talk brought up your Chlamydia. Yeah. It's, it's good. I'm clear. But I've been celibate the last month. So you're admitting it publicly that it was Chlamydia. Why not? It doesn't matter. Yeah. This is happening. Yeah. This is your first, uh, first belt. Oh, no. First about Chlamydia. Second. Second. But I got the six years ago. I got it. And then, um, which is by the way, amazing that he only got it twice. Yeah. I thought you said Chlamydia was amazing. I was just like, no, we had Jeff Dyer in

our podcast. The great Jeff Dyer shot him out and he told us he has Chlamydia like four or five times and it's just wild. That's legendary. He puts up numbers. I've had it zero times. Yeah. I want to go on record and say that I'm going to go zero too. That's zero. But that's like hosting SNL like seven times. Yeah. Like Chlamydia like your legend. I'm impressed. When you do it once, when you get it once, it's like, okay, kind of, kind of whatever. But when you get it six times, it's like, well, it's pretty, pretty nice. Here's the thing. You guys may have had it, but your immune system killed it. I have a little weak baby bitch immune system that can't kill it. Yeah. Your immune system is a little bitch. It's a little bitch. It's a little bitch. I want to

spank that little bitch. It is. You get sick all the time. You look like a strong kid. But the thing is your immune system is a little fucking FF. It's what it is. Your face is just filling up with blood. Yeah. That's a great way to describe your immune system. It's a little bitch. It's a little bitch. And it's a great way to just describe you as a person. You're a little bitch. I'm a little bitch. I want to, I want to get on something though, because we were on their podcast, History of Hyenas. You guys should go check that out on YouTube, but because you're flexing your biceps and I'm going pewing. Sorry, sorry. You're going to get kissed on the mouth. Yeah. I told you last time I kissed you on the lips and now that I'm

celibate for a month and I'm chlamydia free, I'm a little backed up and I got some juice in my balls and it could get on your nipples real quick. Well, here's the thing. That's what I wanted to talk about because we found out on that podcast that apparently you're only shooting gigantic loads and you can't, you can't come like two days in a row. You have low, you have a low disorder. I shoot ropes. If we do it, if we do a sequel podcast about Chrissy's cum, that's going to be watched. I'll try to skip over. I just wanted everyone to, I just wanted everyone to know because this is something I've never heard before in my entire life, but you know. Yeah. Chrissy Calper is my Calper's gland is wild. The Calper's gland is the gland that makes

your glue and my gland is bigger. It's working overtime. I was shooting more glue. I was shooting more, just real quickly in a nutshell. I was shooting more glue, but as I'm getting older, I'll shoot less glue, but we'll actually make my sex drive more normal while I'll be able to pump more glue out. I'll be able to have sex more times. Good for you. Yeah. And get my glue gun will be more active than it has been when I was younger. Yeah. If you're going to have a disorder, that's a good one to have. If someone just tuned in, they think we're talking about construction, we're not. Yeah. We're not talking about construction. Oh, basement yard. They're talking about building. Oh, yeah. They're talking about bathrooms. He says he shoots his glue. Nice.

Okay. What did he fix it? Yeah. Because you got tuned in thinking it's like a construction how-to like podcast. I have no idea, but I will say that probably a bunch. Back in the day, well, like everyone who like is a person, like I'm not saying everyone, but like a lot of the people who like my Facebook page, they for some reason think that I'm this like crazy, like, I don't even know which side left or right, not even sure, but like anytime I say anything like, oh, you know what, we shouldn't like beat up gay people. That's fucked up. It's like, oh, it's fucking snowflake. Yeah. What happened to the old Joe? Yeah. I was like, when was I saying? When did I beat up that gay dude? Yeah. Yeah. Like what the fuck are you talking about? It's like,

what is this shit? Or like I put up this thing because we donated our, our Patreon in the month of December to building walls in Africa. Yeah. What do you suck a dick? It's like, what about your backyard? Detroit, Michigan? What's your fucking rename this podcast? Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. That's the character piece. That's the character piece. We just got, we sit here podcast, Sean Terry, Patrick Marouni. That was a lot of 14. A couple, five fighters. What are the names again? I'm Patrick Marouni. It's my friend Sean Terry and we have five fighters. It's been 4,865 days since 9-11 fucking devices. Well, actually, yeah, we're from this area around here. Just, we're from somewhere here.

Yeah. And, and, and we will save you from a burning building as long as we don't see any pro-Hillary signs up in your apartment. If you got to take a ferry or a bridge, bridge to get into whatever city you live in, that's us. That's where we live from out there. We do boats and we pay tolls to the bridges. Shout out. Absolutely. And we vote to the right. Everything's to the right. Everything's to the right. Yeah. It's what it is. Yeah. And Merry Christmas. I don't say it. Do any fucking happy harmonica and the other shit. Merry Christmas. Yeah, no, no, no, happy harmonica. Happy holidays. I don't go to store box. Yeah, no, Merry Christmas and happy harmonica. I mean, you know, you know,

it's like, I don't know what these people are doing, but yeah, no, we'll save you. All right. All right. We're back. Chris is back. Chris is back. Thank God. Sean Terry, Patrick Marouni. Yes, we're back. Hi. Hi. This is the real us. Yeah, this is us. Two little fucking bitches. Thank God you guys are back because I wanted to talk about your podcast a little bit. So, History Hain is, it's a, it's a podcast that's fucking this mess that we have over here, but it also is kind of founded in this history sort of thing. Where did that come from? Well, the truth of the situation is this, we're both kids, Yanis is a kid really from Brooklyn. I'm a kid who was born in Queens,

but identifies being from Brooklyn. So, we're just two kids from Brooklyn. Yeah. And we both have two black kids from Brooklyn. We have to hide the fact that we loved history so much because of our Brooklyn roots. So, when we found each other, because you can't, the thing is like I live in, I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens. And there's a lot of this, it's one of the biggest designated historical areas in the whole country. That vote Trump. That vote Trump. And all the signs are brown. They're not green. All the street signs are brown. And when you have a brown street sign in New York, that designates a historical block. Now, I couldn't be open about the fact that I knew that to the McClarny brothers.

Or any likes guys. One of them was in jail because the McClarny brothers, if I would have said, Hey, did you guys know that the brown street signs designated historical block, they would have removed the sign and stuck it up my ass. So, I can't, I can't do that. So, history was gay. History was gay. History or knowledge in my neighborhood is gay. Also, performing stand-up comedy, doing anything. If you're not a cop, fireman, or garbage man, or construction worker. You're full blown gay. They think, no, but my friends support me, but they all like, I got a homosexual friend. His name's Chris. It's definitely you've seen him on Girlcott. It's just a gay man. That's my gay friend, Chris. Yeah, he's on Girlcott,

I don't care. He's gay. He's doing his thing. He's gay. I support gay. I mean, hey, don't get too close to me. Don't hug me the way you used to, Chris. So, that's how we found our love of history, because Yannis comes from the same thing. We're like, we love history. We always wanted to like, kind of think about things that happen in history and relate them to modern day stuff. And so that's how we came up with it. And then Yannis was obsessed with the animal hyenas. So we came up with the name. Yeah, I love hyenas. I love nature, but hyenas, I've always, it's my favorite animal just because of how wild they are. And then just, it just came together. They're the first chicks with dicks hyenas. That's a

trance. Excuse? They're trance. Okay, let me explain. Excuse? So the female hyena, right? Female hyenas have what they call a pseudo penis. They have a penis that they give birth out of. Fake dick. It's a fake dick. And they give birth out of their dick. They give birth out of their dick. But it's not a real dick, but it is a pseudo penis. It's a pseudo penis. So that's why on our podcast, we give somebody every week that our best Patreon member, patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys, a Patreon member that comes up with the best Patreon name, we give them the PPW, the pseudo penis of the week award. And then they're prestigious. It's prestigious. So what happens is the hyenas give birth through their pseudo penis and a high percentage of the time, I don't know

the exact number, but a high percentage of the time, it actually, the baby hyena baby explodes the pseudo penis stick and kills the mother. And it's also a matriarchal driven society. The women are the top of that society, not the men. So we figured as two men who are identifying as women, that we also were very close to hyenas and their main weapon of choice, like how a lion, you know, will go for the jugular or a panther's weapon is stealth hyenas weapon of choice is chaos. They actually create chaos to to distract the prey and then start killing you one by one. And they eat you from the legs first. So most animals will crush the trachea and eat a dead animal. They like to eat you alive. So it's kind of wild. I've never knew any of this. And now you

know, you guys are too wild trans boys. Yeah, we are. Absolutely. We're chicks with ticks too. Yeah. Trans girls. I'm sorry. Trans girls. I fucked my pronouns. It's okay. Don't let it happen again. How often are the other mothers dying from this exploding penis? I don't give a stat. It doesn't matter. 60% of the time, according to the New England Journal of Medicine. That's our podcast where hyenas is because like, look, if you think we're a history podcast, you got another thing coming. Yeah, we're two comedians who do history. We're two Wikipedia slots. Yeah, it's like, listen, we got a manager now and he's a really guy who makes money and he's trying to listen to our podcast. We call him the truffle. We call him the truffle pig because he's just a pig that goes out

there and little balls of money like truffles. We just want him to find the little bags of money for us. Yeah. So we call him the truffle pig and he's trying to tell us, oh, you got to have more of a this of a that of a kind of, you know, a structure of the podcast. And we're like, no, that's not how hyenas do it. That's not how we're going to do it. I love the way you say hyenas. Yeah. Hyenas. Hyenas. We had you guys in our podcast. Yeah. I will say like, and we talked about Chrissy's come for 40 minutes, 40 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Chris is farting. Yeah. He's farting. He is hyena. He doesn't care. Or he's a hyena hyena. Yeah. Well, and your guys podcast for us, it helped us so much because of your guys rabid hyena fucking fan base that they it was, I think,

our most watched down and downloaded episode we've ever done. Yeah. And we have similar fans like New York, like it was just a lot of girls named Gina, who were like, my two favorite podcast coming together. Yeah. Finally, something big's happening on the island. My worlds are colliding right now. Yeah. Girls love saying shit like that. And like, comments like, oh my God, this can't be fucking happening. Like, yeah, like just some astronomical thing that we're doing here. I like we lived on like some other planet. Yeah. And we came down here and we meshed and made a show. When I posted on my Instagram that we were all together, people would like be they it was like the same girl with the same look, just different handles, but all like the same

mind. They would just write here for it, here for it, here for it. Joe Chris, Danny, honest here for it. It just kept writing that if we did a mashup podcast, like a live podcast, I think like all the out of boroughs would just be it would be cleared out. Everyone would be in the city that weekend. Yeah, traffic on that side of the bridge. Absolutely. So yeah, absolutely. We'd clean up in there. We would come back. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm getting it again. Yeah. Yeah. Make no mistake. I wanted to ask you. Yeah. See, I've been fortunate to have a clean penis. But I kind of envy people who have had STDs. And I'm going to tell you why, because they handle it so well the second time. Like, right? Like the first time you get committed, Chlamydia, you were probably

like, oh, my God. Now this time you're like, yes, you know, take a week off. Actually, it's actually the opposite for me. The first time I got it, I was like, eh, whatever. The second time, because you know, I'm older now, I have a kid. It was a little bit like, what are you doing? You know, your dick, my dick stripping at Disney World. It's like, what? Did you give your dick a talking to? Yeah. You just look down and go, what are you doing? You're a bad boy. You've got a daughter. Yeah. You've got to behave. And it was like the doctor that called me. He was a nice guy, the doctor. He was just like, and a younger guy, and he was just like, look, he goes, you know, with the amount of unprotected sex you told me you're having out there, he said, the fact that

you only have Chlamydia, he said, it has to be a wake up call. It's just a warning. He's like, I feel like it's a warning from the universe now, because he's like, I just made a call to somebody similar age, similar everything to you that does not have this good of news. He's got a couple of permanent ones that are positive. He said, so you got out so scot-free, take the medicine, it'll go away. And then you, so I've been actually celibate now for six weeks. And the power of saying no to women. I don't think that means you're celibate though. What do you mean? Six weeks, it's just not, that's like being one and no and be like, we're undefeated. I've been celibate for six weeks, but I bet you I can make it. I bet you I can make it a while because I'm addicted now to

the power of just going home and jerking off or just talking to a girl that I actually like and not worrying about having sex with her. Like just being like, oh, you want to, you actually want to go get dinner? Because it used to be just come over. Do you want to, let's get pizza and hang out by me. Do you want to just come over? Yeah. That was my, that's what my life was. But now you have to get creative. Not even creative. Now it's like, I actually prefer to get to know a woman. I'd actually prefer that. Chlamydia has made you a better person. Chlamydia has made me a better person. Chlamydia has made me realize that to become friendly with my present. Chlamydia made me start listening to Eckhart Tolle, who was a great spiritual leader.

Thank you. Yeah. My dick dripped right on to a spiritual healing. You're very vulnerable. You're very vulnerable right now to be like scooped up and swooped up by a cult. By a cult. Yeah. If someone comes along with any charisma and who's looking at like, is that leadership quality? Chris is going to follow you. I'm there. You're going to get a new tattoo stuff. I'm there. And for you, I feel like anything you'll ever get into, fad-wise, is going to come from some kind of sexually transmitted disease. Yes. Because it's going to be like, dude, I'm vegan now. It's like, what made you go vegan? I had Chlamydia. Right. You know, like it just made you change your life. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Most people have like a person or like, you know, mentor. Like if you ever did that Sam Adams commercial, you ever see that one they're doing now? But they go, who's the person you want to dedicate to have a beer with? Have a cheers to, right? All the comedians are doing it. Thomson Gourd did it. Oh yeah. Yours would be like, you know, I'd like to have a beer with who changed my life. Chlamydia. Chlamydia. Chlamydia taught me to be a better person. This Petrie dish of Chlamydia. I appreciate it. This is who I need to thank. Thank you so much. Cheers with a tiny little bottle of with the Chlamydia. Thank you so much, Chlamydia. I really turned it around. I'm also like condoms are weird. I have this thing like with a condom, it's like when I would have to put

them on, my dick would get soft because I'm focusing on, you know, fucking your vagina. Yeah. And possibly your face. And guys. But like, and dudes, of course, you got to come on, you know me. Yeah, I was talking about like when people say they go soft, you know, kind of, I was like, yeah, because that's a good time to just think about that. You really want to be with a guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go soft. You're like, just don't want to have a second to think about what I really want. What we usually, I am thinking about that. Yeah. But the second I take my mind off, my peepee goes, me, me soft. Sure. Sure. Sure. You know what I mean? I'm familiar. Yeah. And I don't know what that is, but something is just weird about wearing a condom

inside of a vagina. It's not natural. It almost, it doesn't count as sex. Like, I want to know your sex number. And you could tell me 20, but I'm going to say how many of that was unprotected. And you'll say two, I'll say the one that you've got sex with two people. Yeah. Because the other 18, you were having sex with a condom inside of another person. I think I've worn four condoms in my entire life. Right. Wow. You're a kid who likes to go raw deep. He'd like to go raw daddy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the complete opposite side of that. You only use condoms. Oh, no, that's not that. I'm not going to say that. I'm just saying like, I'm not like, you know, he's not CP. He's not out here. CP. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Understood. Understood. He's smart.

He's smart. Understood. Very scared. I probably have 11 kids I don't know about. Yeah. And I wish I did because I'd be able to claim them on my taxes. Right. Having a kid is great. Yeah. And it's like having a kid is like, you know, Puerto Rican, half Puerto Rican. Yeah. So how old is he and how old is he? You could be his dad. I could know you're I'm 35. He would have to be five. You're part of Puerto Rican. He might have. Well, no, we all have a connection. You guys are half Puerto Ricans. He had a character, Marisa, that only is for the Puerto Ricans. And my daughter is half Puerto Rican. So we all are Puerto Rican. We're four Puerto Ricans. I dated two Puerto Ricans. His mother is so Catholic that I think it's possible that the only reason he hasn't gotten

something worse is because his mother has prayed to Jesus and some voodoo going on. I think it might be you. You might. He's saying you never use economy, never gets anything. I think that I think do you think they're lying about the stats of the STDs to scare you? I just think we're just getting lucky here. I think people are just lucky. Like, honestly, I'm going to be 100% honest with you. You're a fuck machine. Yeah. So and the fact that you don't have anything, Matt Johnson, the fact that you don't have that, like that doctor said, is a miracle. Right. Now, with this information, right, are you going to start strapping up? Absolutely. I don't believe you. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You better be careful. You're going to get a

talking to in the gym. Yeah. That's exactly what I said. I got a talking to. No, no, no, no, no. No, I'm going to do it. I'm going to just look at him and say what you said to me. Danny, don't fucking say that. Yeah. When you say that, it makes me feel like I can't do it. Yeah. I'll be your condom sponsor. Yeah. Just fucking call me when you're about to fuck. Yo, I'm going to do. No, because I think what happened was is I started to get that in that zone where I was like, oh, whatever. I don't care. I'm in my thirties now. I don't fucking care. It's like, I'll go raw dog. I don't care. Whatever. I'll have another baby or disease. I'll just deal with it. But then I love how you're like mulling over that. Like, it's like, you know, when you get older and you

start to camp, that's your life. You get aids in the baby. I mean, what else do you got a mortgage? I mean, you're an adult. That's how everybody goes. Everyone from the neighborhoods got it. I got to get it. Eventually I'll get to it. I'll get it. You know why it's called history hyenas, because this kid, he's, he's, he's a high. He really is like just wild human hyenas. Fucking wild. I'm gonna have to backtrack and explain to people what I'm saying because then people in my personal life, are any of those things true? And I'm like, I don't know. I have a black out. I don't know who I am. We have six pending lawsuits against our podcast. It's what it is. We're a podcast that's here for a good time, not a long time. We're on the run. We're on the run.

Have you guys ever done like a history of STDs on your show? No, but that's going to be the next episode. That's what we'll do. You guys should find out. We're gonna get the first case of the clap ever came from. Well, there is some interesting history facts about STDs, like how, how much they played into war. So we did, we were doing an episode about World War II and the Germans, right, it was in the Battle of Dunkirk. So they had cornered, the Germans had cornered British and French troops in like a little corner of France, a port city called Dunkirk. And there was a, there was a war that, right before they cornered them in Dunkirk for about eight months because a war just stopped. That happens a lot. People don't talk about that,

but like war machines, like they'll just stop. Like for eight months, we'll just be camped in a place. No, nothing from the enemy. We're like redoing our battle. You know, and I remember that from like school, like being, it's like World War II was from 1940 something to 1950. I'm like, well, wait, wait, wait a second. Yeah. No, it was over there eating canned beans for nine years. Yeah. Well, Americans, it's like, I feel like World War II only starts when the Americans and like they entered in the end of 41. So 41 to 45, but it was really in 1938. It started when Hitler was just like, I'm just going to start taking over Poland. I sounds like you. Hitler was just like, I'm just going to start eating countries next to me. That's the crazy thing. He was just got a

buffet table and he was just started, just like Poland. But here's the STD stuff. Yeah, these are gross. I would draw them. But here's the little advantages. And I'm sure we only found one example of it, but I'm sure if we search, if we do the history of STDs, which we will do. So thank you for that. We're going to find more where it's like when they were having the part of the war, where they would just stop, you know, inevitably like men will be met, right? So you're in France. So the French and British troops started getting prostitutes. The British and French government wanted this. They wanted prostitutes and all that to come in to the camps to keep the morale up for the soldiers, you know, whatever. Still suck dick in a war zone. Right. With Germany, they do. They

do. And all you want to do, listen, either you're going to be unbelievable, either you're going to bang a prostitute, or you're going to bang a guy, or you're going to bang both. And that was my grandpa. But, but I, I gotta keep, she goes down in those trenches. But Germany, Germany, the Nazis were very much like we will not have any women infiltrating the, nobody, no women. I don't care if you guys got to jerk off, whatever, we're Nazis. This is not, there's no women in this camp. So they were against prostitution. So when they finally came time to invade, when the Germans were invading, I mean, it's more to it, the French and British were also just being, the French were being French and just smoking cigarettes and not learning the manuals of the tanks where the

Germans had this new Panzer tank that was rolling over everybody in the germ and the French and the British had tanks that were kind of as good, but they didn't know how to do the met because they weren't paying it. They weren't working. But the biggest thing was they were, they, they was rampant. Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis through the French and British camp from the prostitutes, they were all fighting as sick men where the Germans were coming in with fresh, dry dicks, just coming in and clean penises like yours, clean dicks, lot of testosterone built up in those balls. So a lot of people believe that the STD rates in certain camps in World War II had an actual impact on the battles because when you're fighting with sickness and ill, I mean strepto

for your dick, it's a problem. And you don't feel good. That's true. And then also historically, French are known as to be pussies. Absolutely. Just maybe they just had a bad time with their dicks and couldn't fight well. Right. Which is another thing, which is, we cover this too on the podcast too about how kind of like misconceptions like they're actually France actually in the 1930s was the number one fighting force in the world. But it's just bad press. It's like this West Virginia, everybody thinks West Virginia is like or Hick state West Virginia, it's like in the South, they get some of the most they get one of the highest percentage of students from those schools that from those high schools that go to Ivy League colleges. But the smear campaign on West

Virginia started because in the Civil War, when Virginia West Virginia was initially fighting with the Confederate South, and then Abraham Lincoln was like, Hey, West Virginia, if you come to us, we'll just we'll free everybody and everybody, all the slaves will be free and you'll come with the Union. So West Virginia went and fought with the North, they fought with the North and the South throughout the course of the Civil War. So the Confederacy was like, Okay, fuck you, West Virginia, smear campaign, you're all hillbilly, you fuck your cousins and blah, blah, blah, blah. None of it's true. It's a smear campaign. Yeah, wild. I mean, I'm sure a couple cousins have absolutely. Yeah, honestly, that's when I percentage, when I'm any time I'm in the 45,

any time, any time I'm in the mood to have sex with my cousin, we go to West Virginia, and that's where we do. We feel like it's legal there. Yeah, it's like going to Vegas to get married. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it happens. I feel like I'm learning so much on the podcast. Yeah, there you go. Well, that's let's do the history. I heinous. Here's the thing about apocalypse dripping. You're gonna feel like you learn a lot and then you're gonna feel like you haven't learned a lot at the same exact time. Yeah, it's gonna get erased. It's gonna whatever you're learning, you're never sure if it's true. I don't know if anything he just said is true. It is true to a degree to a degree if you believe it is true. It's true. But that's anything in history. It's like, how do you how

does a history professor telling me what the facts are? How do you really fucking know? And it's also the people that want it's the win. That's why I read this book 1776 about the American Revolutionary War. I read it too. Yeah. And what I loved about that book is he did so much research from the British point of view. He all that all David McCulloch, the authors, research was from the British point of view. So I really was fucking with that. I'm like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this isn't this is American ideals is not, you know, what we learn about like, oh, Paul Revere and Declaration of Independence, none of it's really true. Yeah, like other things are true. Whenever you read about like a great leader in the past, like

leading his troops in a battle, I always wonder, like, just with common sense, you're going, was Alexander the Great in the front? Was he really? Yeah, wouldn't he have died the first battle? Yeah. Oh, that's what happens to the kids. That's right. Yeah, they don't limp from the front back with a sprained ankle. That's for the old. Yeah, George Washington wasn't he was in the back. He was on some horse. It's just what it is. They're not fighting out there. I think he was on some ship. Imagine though, you're in the fucking war too. And your job was just to play drums. Yeah. What are you gonna fucking die? Yeah, absolutely. You're going out with a drum ability. You gotta give me something in a battle. Oh, the guy with the flu. Yeah. At least if you got a drum, you

can hit someone over the head with a stick, but you got a flute. You kind of yeah. Well, well, we learned that, you know, the Hessians, which was like the German mercenary fighting force in the Revolutionary War. They talk about this in 1776. They fought with the British. They would come ashore and start killing American soldiers and skinning their faces and putting their putting the American soldiers faces on theirs like it was fucking Halloween. So I wonder if they saw a guy with a drum. They'd be like, Oh, he's they would cut his fucking head off. I always wondered that too. And save him private Ryan, right? When you Yeah, wait, who's where I gotta go back. Who's wearing faces? The Hessians was a German mercenary

fighting force. Mercenaries are like Britain hired them. So this is another thing about what we learned about just Germanic people about how vicious they've been throughout history. Like it didn't start with the Nazis. They've always been this way. And they're still like that in Ridgewood. But they were like kind of like like the SEAL Team six of Nazis, like, but like not ripping people's face off like SEAL Team six shot Osama Bin Laden and I, these guys just like ripped your ass whole out and wore it as a necklace. They wore they they didn't they are no cause. The British had a cause to defend their colonies. The Americans had a cause to gain independence and freedom, which is kind of a little bullshit. And I can explain that if you

wanted to, but you don't have to. But that's also a little bullshit. But so the Hessians were just hired to kill. They're just killing machines. They were hired guns by the British. And they're huge. They were always they were like two inches taller than the average man at that time. So that's a big height advantage. So they were five five. Yeah, they were five seven. Yeah. Yeah. And so what they would come, they would kill people. They would kill the soldiers, you know, and then they would sometimes they would like scalp them cut their faces off and do kind of desecrate the bodies because they just wanted they were they had a thirst for blood where the British were gentlemen fighters like they would kill you, but it played a flute. Yeah, I play, you know,

March over. March over. You were dying again. We don't know if that's what the British say. I mean, they probably that's what the British say. Yeah, I think they drink and tea out there. They drink tea, but the British are fucking brutal. I mean, if you're in the war, you're brutal. Yeah, but they go to India and they're like, yeah, they like have a cup of tea and then they're like, OK, now murder everyone. Yeah. I'm telling you, the whole idea of the King and the Queen is ban them. King and the Queen's weird stuff. It's weird stuff. Yeah, it's it's like a little bit like what do you talk? What do we do in England? What are you talking about? My daughter says she's the Queen of England. Yeah, we did. We did. We did a segment. Yeah. All right. And we talk about

some wild shit on the show, right? Shit that like we could definitely get shit for whatever. I'll shit on your chest. I would love that, which was invented by the Germans. Yeah, the Scheißen. Yes. Yes. Scheißenheimer. Scheißenheimer. But Germans are weird. Yeah, they are. Come on the show, Germans. Come on. Well, he's lost. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Every time Joe looks out the window and the light hits his eyes, it's unbelievable. He's so handsome, I start to pre-come a little bit and I think the Chlamydia is back. Yeah, it's there. It's there. No, but we did this bid on fucking the royal wedding, the royal wedding. Oh, my God. And we were like, you know, this is weird. Like having a queen is just weird. Strange. Got her viscerated. Oh,

the Brits came after us. Really? Yeah, they really would not have it. She's a sign of fucking loyalty and it's all conditioned thinking bullshit. So they're just conditioned to think that. What does she actually do out there? They do. Yeah, like the Scandinavian countries have them too. And so they all defend them by going, you know what? They represent the country. They do a lot of charity work. Yeah. They go over there and they just make us look good and they do some diplomacy. You're going like they're not real. So they're like PR. They're a PR team for the country. They're just kind of a PR team for the country. It gives them something to talk about. But they don't do any, they don't make any moves. No, look, you're from the old world. Look, Europe is like

television and America's like the internet. You guys are doing an old way that's over. Like, you know, that's like a sitcom guy. Yeah. You're king and queen. What are you fucking 1700s? Yeah. We got a president, his name's Donald Trump and we're all voting for him. What are you doing, fucking kings? Yeah. And we elected him. He wasn't born with a fucking silver spoon in his mouth. He made it himself. He was elected by the people who have health care. Yeah. Okay. That was a character piece. I forgot to put on the voice. Yeah. Europe is doing kings and queens in health care. It's like, nah, guys, capitalism. Let the fucking week die in the streets. Trump 2020. The fucking guy, he rose up from the ground all the way up to become a fucking million. Yeah.

I'm the next president in 2024, Andrew Shaw. Yeah. I'm a small loan of a million dollars. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's really like old world shit. It's bullshit. I was always so confused by that. I'm like, are they living in this palace? Like, who's paying for all this? The people, the taxpayers and they willingly pay, which is crazy. And you want to know why they could pay and they're going to hate you for this. But the truth is like, whenever NATO goes to war or whatever and all those countries are in NATO, we fight for everybody. So they don't have to pay their tax dollars for the military. They're paying them for their queen to sit around and take pictures. And that's because they have the luxury of having us fight for them. So you know what guys? It's

what it is though. I mean, we send like 500,000 troops. They always sound like they send a food truck and they're like, the Netherlands is part of this world. It's like, yeah, you're no guy, no more king and queen. I want some of those hot studs from the Netherlands to put on some uniforms and fucking get out there. Get on the field. Get on the field. Get the fucking soccer team out here. Get the British back into those fucking red coats so I can get a little fucking chopped up and my dad goes to sleep. Yeah, let's get some of those boys on the field and get your king and queen back on the bench. I love that America though. It's like, obviously we had the Civil War here and then we've had some domestic attacks, but like any other war we're like, no,

no, we're not going to do it here. Yeah, we'll do it at your house. We go to your house. We never throw parties at our house. We don't want to clean up. Well, that's why I think more than anything that Jesus Christ himself is an American kid because he put the Atlantic Ocean between Europe and the United States. The only reason why we don't have any wars here is because we got the Osh and I think Jesus strategically said, that's what I'm going to put America dad because explain that, explain that, explain that science. Yeah, explain how Jesus isn't an American kid from Brooklyn, New York. If you put the Atlantic Ocean on America and he gave the fucking Yanks all those championships and gave the Yankees. That means Jesus is a fucking kid from Brooklyn. It's not

an ocean. It's a moat. It's a moat. It's keeping them out. Yeah, it keeps them all out. So I know Jesus is a kid from Brooklyn. It's like, you want to attack me? You can attack me. I got the proof. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's there. I mean, it's all there in the pool. Yeah, it's all there. Yeah, your mom, very Catholic. Absolutely. Right. Um, my dad died. I got a sympathy card from his mom. Yeah, really? Yeah. Yeah. She went to church and lit a candle. That's how we know my dad is where in heaven and the gay part of heaven specifically. Yeah, there's a gay part of it. And I like to paint. So he's definitely that's where you wanted to go, right? Your dad's not his dad's not just I can comfortably say I'm not 100% straight and I know Yanis' father's not 100% straight and neither

is Yanis. None of us in this room are 100% straight. No, you watch any of my content and you know I'm not. Yeah. Not 100. I'm in the high 80s, but I'm not a hundo. Is anyone 100 though? No. I think the people that like tell you you're 100, you're like, oh, you might be more than me, but yeah, yeah, exactly. Do you think gay dudes think about like, I want to just take down a straight dude tonight? Oh, yeah. That's a big thing. Yeah. Is that like a big like, sure. I've had conversations with gay dudes before saying like, it's like a challenge to be like, oh, that's a straight guy, but I bet I can get him to turn him out. Yeah, basically. Yeah, I think they want that more if they can get a little sense you. I've been told, unfortunately, by a lot of my gay friends that

they don't get any gay vibes off me. And I'm like, I feel like it's brewing inside, but they're like, no, you're not gay. I'm just a phony. You're phony gay. That's weird. I think we're so openly gay with our content that the real gay see right through us. They're like, you're not gay, buddy. Once those gay eyes get on us, they glance through us like a window. Because even women are like, you're, you know, they'll say compliment me. And I'm just like, I just talked about sucking cock and taking Ben and drills and stuff. And you're like, we love it. I'm a pride leader, apparently. Because like, yeah, whatever. Like, I've had gay dreams, dude. You did a, you did a Instagram photo and just underwear. You're, you're being jerked off to by a lot of guys. Yeah. Because you're a

hardcore bear. Thank you. Oh, yeah. He's a big, he's a big bear, especially because he just got waxed or he's not a bear right now. He's just a big old pile of meat. Yeah, waxed up. Yeah, you're a bear. We're a couple of twinks. You're a beef cake. I'm a beef cake. Absolutely beef. Yeah, absolutely. You work out. I do work out, but I don't, I'm fucking psycho. I'm getting better at it. But like, Joe, when he takes your shirt off, he's got a nice spot. When I take my shirt off, you're like, whoa, I wasn't expecting that. It's weird, but it fits well in a sweater though. I look, I think I'm in a comfortable place where I'm okay in clothes. I'm not, you know, I have what you explained to me as I look like a guy. You look like a guy who used to roll in a skin

and max movie. Yeah. That's kind of looks like. I'm not ripped. I'm not ripped at all. But he said, to be honest with you now, I'm good enough to go to the beach. You look like somebody's dad who's kind of in shape at the beach. Yeah. You look great for 45. Yeah. Yeah. But the problem is I'm 30. That's peak male performance. Yeah. But I'm strong now and I'm just, I consistently exercise. I boxed a lot. So you got into boxing. Yeah. Yeah. I've been boxing a lot. So I mean, I used to be like, I used to weigh like 255 pounds. Yeah. That's a big boy was why I had like double chin. So I don't have that anymore, which is, which feels nice. And he's got a, he's got a big lunch lady ass. Yeah. I got an LLA. He's got a black lady's ass. That's what I was worried about when you

guys were coming in. I'm like, Chris is going to come in here. There's a lot of expensive stuff around. I don't knock at anything. I got an LLA lunch lady ass, but I have no fumes for whatever reason is I don't know why no matter what, I don't have any body odor. I always just smell 100% clean. And I have, you know, he feels that way too. You stunk a little bit. I stunk yesterday. I stunk yesterday, but it's fewer far in between. I don't wear the odorant at all. Yeah. Me neither. And I just never smell. I've no, I think Germans, we just don't have fumes. No, I've, I've smelled you a few times and you weren't 100%. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just you, we don't smell to ourselves. No, but like, you smell it. No, but like you, like you were, you were a smelly guy.

Yeah. You were sleeping. I put my nose right up in your ass. Really? And it didn't smell great. Yeah. But it wasn't nice. But maybe I was a little too close. Yeah. You might have just did right in my ass. Are you one of those guys that's just lucky enough to have a hairless ass? I have, I have, I have almost no body here. Dude. I'm so jealous. Yeah. Of these hairless men. Yeah. Look, I, yeah, I have no hair anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. On my legs, I have no hair. I have no hair on my ass. Where are we born? Fucking Chernobyl? Yeah. That doesn't matter. I'm probably. Yeah. He's a sphinx cat. Oh my God. He doesn't have a leg here. I know. And it's just, what is a very little facial. I'm just kind of a sphinx cat. Yeah. That's huge though. It really is. That probably is why

I don't smell. Yeah. Could be that. I think my theory is the hair. I have a lot of hair here, but I don't. Yeah. It looks like it stinks. Yeah. But pull that up. It looks like a bush. Look at that. Look at that. Yeah. That's why I don't think guys in the 70s ate pussies because you'd have to get through that minefield of bush. Yeah. Yeah. Like I like top bush. I like a bush. I like top bush, but like not lit bush. Do you like eating puss with bush though? Lint? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You like licking hair? I can lick the hair. I don't mind it. I don't really go down on girl. I'm going down more now, but I wasn't going on because I was constantly getting sore throats. But now, but I would, I would eat a girl. I did have a girl with a bush

recently and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the bush. Good for you. Good for you. What was she like? 57? No. No. She was at 30. Have you tracked the chlamydia back to the vagina? No. No. It's just, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. That chlamydia is in the wind. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Because also like chlamydia can just be in your system for a while. Oh yeah. I was told that too. I hope, I hope no girls you banged their fans at the basement yard. I'm sure they are. A lot of phone calls. It'll be a couple. Yeah. But I like how open you are. Yeah. Chrissy, at some point, he just is, oh, it's always going to come out. It's like you, no secrets. We did four podcast episodes where we didn't say anything about this. Yeah. And then he waited to come on a bigger

podcast to announce that he has chlamydia. Yeah. So we were keeping a secret on our podcast. Yeah. But he's like, let's go to a bigger audience so that I can now let it go. Yeah. But here's the thing with me is I'm also CWL, Chrissy White lives. I couldn't also not have chlamydia. Yeah. So none of it's true. Oh yeah. So you, if you ask me directly and we have a personal connection, I'll tell you the truth, but this is entertainment. So I'm just going with the flow and saying what's funny. It's all true, but it's all also possible. I wanted to say, I wanted to say I had a drip at Disney. So the only way I can get them is if I say I have chlamydia. So maybe I do, maybe I don't. So why don't you just listen into the show? Yeah. You don't know with him. You never know.

You never know if he's a girl or a boy. You never know what's going on. What's true. What's false. You just don't know. You can't, you can't, if you're going to try to get us in trouble, you're not going to be able to do it because we say so many wild things. You don't know what to get us. It's right. It's character piece. It's character. It's character. I'm friendly with my present. So whatever my present says, that's what I'll say. And you learned that from your Eckhart Toll. Eckhart Toll. I'm listening to his podcast he has with Oprah. Nice. And I'm in a good place mentally. Yeah. Yeah. You're a wild kid. Yeah. You have on two chains and the same thing. And I love it. Yeah. Yeah. With diamonds in it. One small, one big. Yeah. One small,

one big. And the brothers, Jesus, haven't talked to Jesus in ages. I love you guys are making millions of dollars or whatever you're making just in clothes. You guys slept in last night. Yeah. I mean, he looks like he just got out of bed and rolled in here. He's got flip-flops. No. When I came in with flip-flops. No, dude, when I came in because I came in before you, he's still at his morning wood. He's still at his morning wood. He was tucking it out a little bit. He's like, what's up? What's going on? Yeah. But that's the beauty about the new world is that you got, I fucking love it. And a lot of people hate it, but we love it because we're coming. Yeah. Could you imagine if your grandfather, the great Mr. Santagato came there and he was like,

you're at work and you're like, yeah, I'm at work. You're at work right now. Yeah. He's like, you don't have a suit on. You don't got to fucking. Yeah. Yeah. I just rolled out of bed and I'm making a hundred times the amount of money you did grandpa. And it's like, I also didn't drink a hundred beers and punch grandma last night either. So it's a good trade off. It's a good trade off. Yeah. Grandma didn't get disciplined. That's great. Yeah. Stop digging. All right. Yeah. My grandpa, one time I told him I was sick. I was like throwing up all night at his house, lived in Maine. And then in the morning, my mother's like, she was like, I don't know, taking care of me or something. And he walks up and he's like, what's the matter?

And I was like, I don't feel good. And he grabs my head. He's like, no, no, no. Then he feels my head. And he goes, and he starts smacking me. And he goes, you don't even have a fever. What are you talking about? I was like, they're tougher humans back then. Oh yeah. He's a savage. Did I ever tell you that story? How my grandpa punched that woman in the snow? No. Wait, she punched her. Hold on. Listening. All right. So domestic violence? No, my grandfather was just like an old fucking abusive man. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, kind of. But was this the Puerto Rican side or the Italian side? The miscellaneous. Yeah, he came here. No, I didn't know what the Italian side was.

Puerto Ricans don't really hit their wives. No, no, no. But the Puerto Rican, the Italians, this wasn't even his wife. Right. Just a woman that I know of. You said you said Italian kids just, they have a passion for it. Italian kids just like to discipline their women a little bit. That's just what it is. It's just a part of what it is. And I know you can, you can get mad at me for saying it. I'm not saying anything that ain't true. Italians like to just give a little discipline. Gina, what the fuck is going on? Oh my God, meatballs again. This fucking garlic is not fucking sliced the way my mother did. I told you make it like my mother. Yeah. Italians do have a very weird sexual connection. Just watch the Godfather part one. Yeah, but yeah. So it was,

it was, we had drunk neighbors. I wasn't born yet, but at this time they were just like this drunk Irish couple. Like every time you would come home and be like, oh, you fucking giddy bastard. Like, you know what I mean? Just like, I fuck you. Get out of here. Yeah. Like their family didn't come here on a boat like three weeks before. Right. So they're there and this woman's outside. She's like, Angelo, you fucking Italian piece of shit. So my grandpa was like, all right, like, let me go outside and it's snowing. It's like peacefully snowing. Right. And she's beautiful. It's beautiful. And she's standing under the street, like just hurling racist things. And my grandpa, this is what my dad told me story. He puts his slippers on. He walks across the street

and she, he sees her yelling at her, yelling at him, just fucking going off. And he just slapped a fucking piss out of her. Wow. There you go. And just left her in the snow. There you go. Slapped a random moment. Yeah. I came back in and sat right back down. Yeah. I can do you, we're not to outdo you, but just one better real quick. My aunt, her husband, who's passed away, he, somebody robbed my mother on the corner of our block. And then at the bodega, there was like a pocketbook purse stealing ring. They would steal women's purses and divvy up the money at the local bodega that my uncle would go to. And my uncle was there one night listening to this story. He had known his sister-in-law had gotten robbed and he is a psycho. And he was listening

to what was going on. And he was like putting two in together. He's like, Oh, I think that's my sister-in-law. So he doesn't say anything, but he makes a mental note. And later on that night, he gets this guy nice and drunk, brings him back to the garage in my house where he would do a lot of welding work, ties him up and puts a blowtorch to his knees and melts the skin off his kneecaps. Yeah. Yeah. So, and I wasn't told about that story until years and years later. Families are great. Yeah. Families are great. And then it's just, it's just so cool. Tony. Yeah. Oh, grandpa just knocked that lady's teeth down. We talked about all the time on the basement and we just say, you know, it was the times. Yeah. Yeah. It was the times. It was the

times. Yeah. It's like, I love how like kneecaps is. And it happened when I was like seven years old. I loved how like there was a man in my garage getting tortured potentially to death. And I'm just having Dunkaroos. Yeah. That's how my dad explained it. He was just like shaking a jello. Downstairs getting his kneecaps. Yeah. Yeah. You're, you're, I mean, it's like, that's like a scene in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Yeah. Was he doing this when he did it? Like, yeah. No, he's just a psycho. He's just got drunk. He's a psycho. And it's just what I got. I don't want to get back. He also used to discipline his wife. Yeah. I mean, it's, I mean, I assume that's what it is. And we used to hear that too. Yeah. And he was Puerto Rican.

What can you do? I'm sorry about that. No, on behalf of all of us. Yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do? We let him fly sometimes. What are you going to do? I think Catholics like to discipline. Catholics discipline. It's amongst other things. Yeah. Because amongst other things, but like think about it. It's like Italians, Puerto Ricans, Catholics, they get hit by the nuns. So it kind of gets screwed into you. Yeah. Because the nuns hit you guys and the priests fuck you guys. Yeah. So you guys are taught to deal with things in weird ways. We just missed that though. Nobody was hitting in my school. My mother and father got hit a lot by the, by the priest. You were hitting in school. Right. I was more hitting the priest.

By the time I got to school, priests and nuns couldn't do anything. I definitely got a little, I got stuff screwed in by Father Bill a couple of late nights after church, but that's just what it is. Yeah. That's why I have sexual fetishes. Yeah. But I didn't get hit. Yeah. My vice-principal got hit. I was glad we got there. I was going to work back on that. You got caressed. You got caressed by priests. Yeah. My vice-principal tried to molest me once. Really? Yeah. What happened? We're all so alike. Let's just keep going. Let's just trade these. Yeah. What happened? He was, he would, he would pray on like trouble children. So like when I was a kid, like I would get in some fights or like tell a potential teacher to suck my penis.

Sure. Or clean penis. My clean penis. Yeah. I wouldn't burn my teacher. Untouched. Untouched. Untouched clean penis. But I was just like, Hey, like, you know, like fuck you. I throw a couple garbage cans through some windows. So he worked with the troubled kids and it was like, man, this guy's really nice. He gave long hugs. Yeah. It was really nice. Yeah. Sounds like you missed a few hugs. You know, he hugged me one time and it was kind of like a little weird and like he like did like a very gay breath on my neck. Yeah. Deep breath. You know, and it was like, and I was like, Oh, okay. Right. And then he would send me letters and then he would call me late and then he would call me late at night. And then my dad disciplined him. My Italian dad just goes

take us through it. My dad founds like, he's like sees that he sent me like a letter. He goes, kind of gay, isn't it? Yeah. And I was just like, at the time I was like, no, like he's helped me out. Guy goes through another school, gets busted. Sure. We're just trying to suck dick. Oh yeah. After I got screwed in by Father Bill, I would just pull my dick out all the time. And then I remember one time I was with my dad hanging out with his weekend and I was hanging out with this friend of mine in the neighborhood. And we were sitting on his stoop and I just started pulling my dick out to make him laugh, which is weird. You know, he's 13 years old. And then the guy's father, the kid's father saw me pulling my dick out and chased me down with like fucking baseball

bat. And was like calling me a faggot running down some block on Staten Island. And I was just like, I'm going to shove the street sign up your ass. Yeah. And I was just like, and I was just like running away and like ran into my dad and just like denied the whole thing. But like, you know, like I still to this day just have an urge. I always just want to kind of just let my penis out a little bit. And I don't know what it is, but it definitely happened after I took after I took a couple of sacraments to the face from Father Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a disturbed kid is what it is. What it is. Yeah, you're disturbed. What can you do? Did you guys ever watch that documentary on Netflix about like all the like the priests? Oh, the, the, the, uh,

the key, the, uh, the center or the keepers. Yes. Yeah. About Baltimore, the dude, he would. That's insane. The father would nut on them and then do the sign of the cross in the nut and is like, like fire, but like it's fucked up. Well, I mean, it happens, but your mom being Catholic, right? Yes. Your Catholic as well. No, Greek Orthodox, Greek Orthodox. All right. I'm going to get to you later. Okay. Uh, we got like, we got like no pedophilia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're clean. We're clear. Yeah. But you guys like, we do other stuff. You guys were like big orgy people though, right? We do a lot of weird stuff. We'd like to put a lot of stuff in our butts. That's fine. Yeah. You invented anal. Yeah. You guys invented anal sex. Yeah. Your mom,

when she sees your content now, how does she react? She gets, you know, upset by some of the things that I say. Um, but it's kind of one of those things where it's like, look, yeah, it's upsetting to hear some of this stuff. But you know, I'm also the kids moving tickets because of it. It's moving tickets and it's like, Hey, do you want your rent paid still? It's like, I take care of my whole family and like, you know, I got my shit in order. So it's like, what, you know, I think if I was doing what I was doing and also doing drugs and also not doing well financially and not, you know, make, and my kid wasn't clean, like that would be a problem. But it's like, you know, he says a couple of things that are wild comedically and she gets upset by it. But ultimately she's like,

I can't, you know, I have my doctorate degree. I have like, I've done things that a mom likes. I realize that accomplishments, who cares? Like that's all your ego being like, Oh, dude, this, I do that. It's like, shut up. You're just shut up. And you have a friend from Park Slope, which is huge. And I have a friend from Park Slope, which is humongous. It's huge. Any home in Westchester now. So it's like, that's huge. I have one friend in Battery Park and I'm clinging to him. That's impressive. I had one, I had one, but we lost touch and I'm not really happy about it. Yeah. Yeah. You ever been the battery? You ever been the battery? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. My dad used to live there. My dad used to live there. Oh, 25 years. I knew because your sweater, your sweater is a little

nicer than his. I know the money. I'm from Park Slope. Okay, guys. That's got a zipper on it. That doesn't. Yeah. No, this is from the Banana Republic Factory store. Yeah. Yeah. When I came here, I was like, I fucking was like, I don't know if I'm gonna, you guys, this is like a little beneath me. Yeah. Crazy. This is a very queen situation. I know. I know. Soon as we come in the door. Yeah. This is out of character. Oh, you live here. He comes up the stairs. He goes, I've never been here. Yeah. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. I don't know what to say. Yeah. No, he's got that vibe about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a real punchable face. No, you're like, your surprise actually hasn't been hit more in his life. Yeah. I've been hit a few times. You're a little booge. Yeah, I'm a little

booge. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm boogey as shit. Yeah. Cut from the same cloth you guys. You deal with it. Yeah. Not like you guys fucking the Stefano and it's sad to God. We're fucking doing it. You're your work. I guys don't look. You can you fucking you need a roof. We got your fucking roof. Who would go broke first at YouTube? Um, it's definitely me out of us. Like, what do you mean? Like who's a more frivolous? Everything we do, we do together. I think like thumb and Louise, we just hold hands and jump off and just jump off. Yeah. You guys hit that car. Do you guys give each other financial advice? Um, not really. Not really. He has to be my basically my financial advisor. Yeah. If I don't, if I don't talk to the kid, he's going to be on, he's going

to be on the street. Yeah. Yeah. I love spending money. It's just spend it. Yeah. You don't take it. You don't take it with you. No. In the next world, in the next, you also need some to last. You need some to last. Absolutely. I also don't have a kid yet, which was my next question. Well, yeah. Well, that changes things. Are you worried about your kids seeing your content at some point? I mean, I guess the short answer is yes, but also it's like, I can talk to, I'll just have a conversation with my kid about what's going on. So let me, let me just an example. How are you going to explain to your kid what a transgender ex-eskimo is? I'm going to say that's gonna be a toughie because that was hard for me to understand. I'm going to say that's what daddy was identifying

that day. Yeah. And I'll show you and I'll, we'll draw an eskimo and an igloo and we'll draw, you know, both genitals and, and I'll show them, I can tuck one back behind the other one and then I'm a transgender eskimo. And then I'll say, this is my friend, Yanis, show her where transgender is and I'll come out and go, that's it. And then her grandmother will come out and say, sign my ashtray. Yes. Yeah. That's what she wanted to do. She wanted, she said, your friend is Marisa. I said, yes, girl. He could sign my ashtray. His baby's mama wanted me to sign the ashtray that I was trying to give away. I had to. So he signed it. You really signed it? I signed it and gave it to her. That's amazing. She needed to have it and I gave it to her. I have a wild, I have a wild

other part of my family. Your whole fucking family is crazy. I was going to throw the ashtray away. He said, no, I'll give it to her. And then she took it. She was like, this is nice. She liked it. And then she said, wait a second. Can he sign it? So I took a Sharpie and I signed the ashtray. So somewhere you sign it on the bottom or on the right in the middle because she framed me. That's going on the wall. That's not going to be, you kidding me? That's Marisa signature. We're putting that on the wall. You want to know what I took the most from your video? Yeah. Is that you could actually shoot a jump shot? Like all the other stuff was like, oh, this is funny. But I'm like, yeah, I'm like, yo, it's good form. We were watching. We were watching

and we were watching one of the Marisa videos and he goes kind of ball. Yeah, I was like, yeah, I just got the jimmies for a second. I had a little tiny game. Not as good. This kid was actually all time leader in St. Joe's history scoring. Yeah, but it's division three. But yeah, I don't fuck that basketball was my whole life. That's like white division one. That's like white kids division one. Yeah, if you're the leading score of a division three college, then you're a white D1 athlete. You're a professional athlete. Yeah, professional basketball player. My dad was just like, oh my God, yeah. Well, my dad used to, my dad used to like, my regiment was 1000 jump shots a day every day. My dad was like in between jobs or doing

something illegal when I was a teenager. So we would go to Farmer's Oval Park, Farrah Park, but they call it Farmer's Oval in Ridgewood. And we would take 1000 jump shots a day almost every day or five days a week at least. And then we would do, it was all basically drills. And then the last 200 shots, I swear to God, he had a broom that he wrote Leroy on to mimic a seven foot guy that he assumes was black with the name Leroy. And he would hold that up. And I would shoot jump shots over the broom to mimic high arching jumpers over big men. And then I started, and then the shot got so good that I was able to just kind of hit threes or hit jump shots from anywhere. Jim Bayheim, the coach of Syracuse, was like, you have a division one jump

shot and division three body. I was at the Eastern Invitational. They only invite 150 high school kids. I was one of the kids that got invited because that's why your community is so funny. They put your number on your jersey. You got invitation. Yeah, Leroy called Leroy, which is also a way that they order stick, which is also a way they order coffees in Ridgewood. We said this on the podcast instead of saying, can I get my coffee black? They say, can I get my coffee Leroy? Yeah. The other thing that I realized is pretty crazy now. Now when you get in the lifts, you have to give the person your pronouns. Have you seen that? No. What do you mean? So it's like, if you get into a lift, it's so the lift driver can, you know,

address you, address you as the right pronoun. So it's like, you know, sir, ma'am, yeah, other. But you see, this is why Trump, this is why Trump, I think, is going to win again in a landslide because like there's 1% of the population cares about the pronouns. Yeah. And the Democrats, all they'd be like, we support the pronouns like, fuck, okay, support the pronouns. Yeah. The real actual 99% of working class people love whatever you want to be. I'm a work, whatever you want to be transgender. I fucking love everybody. I don't care what your problem. Who cares about the pronoun? I'll call you fucking Elmo or Tranny Eskimo. I'll treat you with kindness and respect because you're a human being. But the pronouns, it's like, if that's what

you're putting your campaign on, it's like, good luck, Elizabeth Warren and whoever. Yeah. People care about policy and money. Unless Andrew Yang gets it, if Andrew Yang gets it, he might get my vote. Kids are fucking good Chinese kid, and I like his policies. You're getting 12k off the bat. Yeah, I'm getting 12k from National Income. Yeah, I like Yang. No tie to, just goes up there, not giving a fuck. I like it. He's actually like talking about things where you're going like, he's got a lot of good points. Like he's actually talking about the future, realistic. Yeah. And he says, he's going like, guys, there's no more jobs. And he says, underwear, make it. This is a job now. There's no jobs. And he's as American as you can be,

because he was made in China. So it's just perfect. Just so you know, we're keeping all this in. That was a good one. Save it. We should have did it on our part. Make sure you give us the clip. No, you ever noticed. Is that a tweet? God, that's a good one. That's a great thing. Have you ever noticed when you go to like... It's what it is. I have some Chinese content here. They're good people. They're great. Have you ever noticed? Yeah, not too hot. Yeah. Have you ever noticed when you go to like Woodbury Commons, like one of those places, like those outlet stores? Asian people are rich as shit. Hell yeah. They just walk around with the mask on and 700

bags from Chanel. I'm like, what is this Asian money? Dude, we're in a bubble. Asians are taking over the world. They are rich as shit. They are crushing it. There's a building. Our friend lives in the Eugene. It's like down the block from Masses Square Garden. And it's like this beautiful, luxury, high-rise building. And everyone's Asian. Yeah. And rich as shit. Absolutely. I'm like, this kid's 23 years old. I really believe the Chinese government is like subsidizing and like giving their citizens who move here money to just buy apartments because there's so many vacant apartments that are just sitting at the Chinese own from Beijing. It's just a thing. Chinese are crushing it, man. They're crushing it. Every time I'm there, I'm like, yo, they don't speak the language.

But they're rich as shit. Oh my god. I'm like, how are you doing this? You know what? They don't learn the language because they don't feel like they need to learn English. They're like, you guys need to learn Chinese. Yeah. In about 10 years, everyone's gonna be here. Everyone's gonna be fucking speaking Chinese. The great Roy Wood Jr., a great friend of mine who are children, hang out a lot, great comedian. His child goes to school. His child goes to school where they're teaching them Chinese. And I'm like, that's smart. Roy's son's gonna know Chinese and I want my daughter to know that. The fact that we, that's another fucking systematic problem with America is that we just think English is fine. Yeah. We just think English and not using the metric system is fine.

And then why are we the only ones who do that? It's crazy. Yeah. I don't get that. Every European I ever meet is like fluent in English. Sure. Well, okay. Here's the thing. Here's the only, the only, unless it's like bumble fuck, the only defense, I'll say it's not, not a defense, but I think the reason is, and I, is because you can go, you know, 3000 miles and only hearing English. I mean, these 50 states are all English. In Europe, you go 100 miles and it's a new language. Yeah. That's the only thing. So I think if, if Pennsylvania spoke, was still speaking Dutch, we would know Dutch. Right. You know what I mean? If Florida was speaking Spanish, we would know Spanish or we would have a more command of it, but it's like wherever we go is

everyone speaking English. Yeah. So it's, and it's also like listen, guy, we won the war. So you speak the language because we fucking won guy. Okay. Right. It's like, listen, I know France, I know France, you know, you want to sit here and be like, you got to speak French. It's like, guy, Paris is just an extension in New York City. Okay. So why don't you relax and make me a croissant face? I think everyone should learn English, but everyone should fucking French. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good point. Yeah. No, no, this sex language. Yeah. Yeah. That's like a, that's a beautiful language. The beautiful language. We say it's slow with some like some, some raspiness in your voice. Yeah. Like a morning. It's like, hey, do you like this? Do you like

this? It's kind of bland, you know, but like French is, I love talking during sex though. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I love it. I wish I spoke French. Do you guys like to suck on earlobes? I like to suck on a girl's earlobe. I'll bite it. Bite it a little. See, I don't bite, I like to just give a little suck. I'm into sucking. I like to suck lower lips too, lick the teeth. I love sucking teeth. I don't know why I'm doing this too. I'm massaging a nipple. Yeah, licking a teeth. I like to lick the bottom row of teeth and suck the bottom lip and suck on your earlobe. Just a little bit. Wait, lick the bottom row. I think it's anything you would lick up. You would lick the top. And then I like to smell my dried saliva on our earlobe. Is that wild? You'd smell

it? It just turns me on. Your own breath. But I'm going to be honest with you. And I think I said this the last time we hung out and Janice knows this. The horniest I am throughout the day ever is when I'm talking to smart guys. So I'm horny when I'm talking, having great conversation with men. You're definitely a gay guy. I'm not 100% straight. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you this. You haven't figured it out. I haven't figured it out. I don't want to wait for his dad to die. I don't want to have sex with a guy. I'm not into having sex with a guy, but I like to talk to guys and I don't mind a hairy woman. So I'll say it that way. You don't mind a woman in a do rag. Yeah. I don't mind a woman who has a dick or a broom named Leroy. It's what it is. You can stick

it all up my ass. Honey, go get Leroy. Yeah. Before we wrap up here, we do have questions that we ask people at the end of all these episodes. Are you gay? Yes. That's the first question we had. It's not going to be that. We got that answer way into this. All right. So the first question, the sheets that are currently on your bed. Okay. How long they've been there? My funny you asked that. Just last night, my daughter wet the bed for the third time in a row. So I just had to change my sheets. So the sheets that are currently on my bed are brand spanking new with next to no toddler urine stains on them. So she's pissing me off. I love you. She's, I keep giving her apple juice at night. Can't do that. What an idiot. Yeah. No, no, no.

I didn't, I didn't, unless she's just, I don't know, she's just kids just go through fates where they wet the bed. So, so she'll piss, she pissed. Are you in like that, that, that area where it's like, is my kid like the same as other kids? I'm in that area. Is she learning at the right rate? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is with, now it's at the area where you really, like I have to, you know, like read to her every night and talk. And now I'm at the thing where it's like, I'm going to start, I have to have conversation with my daughter. Sounds awful. That push the ball forward. It can't just be like, eat your food. It's like, you have to now start to be like, do you understand why you need to eat? Do you understand why this, like, you know, why you need to say things, you

know, like, certain types of kids, certain types of kids, you know, like what tax brackets are and which ones don't are in the lower ones and which ones in the higher ones, right? And what neighborhoods they live in. Yeah. Yeah. Stuff like that. And how to get a tax exemption on your health insurance. Exactly. It's like, it's like, it's like, you got to start to get a reminder like you're half, half white, half Puerto Rican. So what we're going to do is we're going to be a Puerto Rican on college interviews and white on job interviews. It's just what it is. We got diversity. We got to get in and then we get whites get the jobs. I'm guilty. I'm guilty. I'm guilty. I'm guilty. What about your shoes? My sheets probably like, God, I am ashamed to say I think three weeks.

Oh, wow. And he doesn't have 100% clean ass. Everyone's just been dying around me. So I've been busy. I got friends dying. I got dads dying. I don't got time to change my sheets. Yeah. And it's close friends have venereal diseases. Everyone's falling apart. My dad. And I just bought a house. I got no money. Can I work for the basement yards? Yeah. I need money. It's a common denominator. Yeah. Any ad you sell on this, can we have a percentage of it? Honestly, it's money. Money. I got no money. I just bought a house for my wife. And her dad didn't kick in a dollar. It's just so funny. That spectrum is so wild though. Because it's like, yeah, you know, my dad just passed away. Like you're talking to someone and it's

like, damn, dude, I'm really sorry to hear that. And it's like, yeah, but I just bought a house. Yeah. Yeah. So there's that. Well, you know, it's wild. It's actually just to get serious for a second. Being a comedian is a strange thing professionally because like when you're going through emotional stuff and then your job is to go cheer people up. Yeah. It's you have to like put a wall up that can only stay up with the help of drugs, alcohol or some sort of vice. Right. That's what I've learned. And if you don't have one of those, which I don't, because I just try to be healthy and I try, it's just you're going to crash. Bad thing. You're going to like, have you got there yet? Oh, yeah. I had to cancel the whole

weekend. It was embarrassed. I got carried out under the stretcher. Being carried out under a stretcher when nothing's wrong with you is one of the funniest things. It's happened to me multiple times. You know, you know, it was wild. You know, this is how connected we are. I'm in Vegas doing shows. He's in Providence, Rhode Island doing shows. I get a call from the Providence Rhode Island comedy club from the owners of that club called me because he passed out on stage. I'm like, what about his wife? They're like, we just figured we could get to you quicker. We got some emergency contact. We're like, he put down two wives, you and his actual wife. So we called this one first. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like the floodgate just came down and I couldn't

do comedy. Like I just, my body was just crashing my mind. I was just like a mentally exhausted. Because like if you go through shit and you work a regular job, you just sit at your cubicle and you just, yeah, you zone out and do whatever. But if you're like, hey, guys, what's up? Yeah. You know, it's like, you can only do that before you got to like blow your brains out. Well, that I know, because I was in a psych ward four days. I saw that cocktail pills you had to put in your face before you started this thing. Yeah. I was like, what do you got? You're like, I got a clonopin 15 depth of coats. Yeah. Now ready to shoot. If I don't take those, everyone's dead. I'm ready for my clothes that Mr. DeVilt just let me hold on. Yeah. I really do say though,

everyone should spend some time in a mental institution. Yeah. You were a social worker out one, right? I was. I was a social worker that had to take clients to, yeah, psych wards. Yeah. The worst is when you go there and then you can't go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I was like, oh, I could go. They're like, nah, what happened? You're here. What do you, I had a nervous breakdown. Yeah. Yeah. Like when? Two years ago. Were you here? Did you see it happen? Yeah. In real time. So what happened? Can you explain it? So like we'd be like, so what was happening with me was is that I was drinking a lot and I was also, yeah, riding the white horse. Yeah. It happens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So shout out to the white horse. Great, great, great person.

Come on the show. Rune my life. Yeah. So I stopped doing that abruptly. We were just like, because we would be, I had a beer fridge next to my computer. Yeah. So like randomly, it feels like snowing or something or like random days, like, and I like craft beer. So I would have like these, you know, 16 ounce cans and be like, all right, let's just start drinking during the day. And then at one point I was like, I just had asked him, I was like, yo, how, I was like, I feel like I've been drinking a lot. Like I've been drinking like every Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Thursday, like every single time, right? And not just a few beers, like you're having 10 beers. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm saying that. So I was like, I feel like I've been drinking a lot. He's

like, yeah, dude, I drink a lot too. I was like, how often do you think you drink? And then he was like, I don't know, like four or five times a week. I was like, what? I was like, I was like, I was like, so like a Wednesday when you're watching the Yankees, like how many beers do you have? He's like, I don't know, like six, seven. Like, dude, that's a lot. Yeah. That's too much. I'm like, that's not like one beer or anything. Like that's a lot. I got drunk pretty much every day. So we, we agreed that we were just going to stop drinking for 30 days. And then he got eight days in, had a hard, had a fucking, thought he had a heart attack, then had a mental breakdown. And then he was. So what happened? What actually, what was the symptoms? So I quit all the stuff.

Okay. And all the stuff that I was suppressing with like alcohol and drug use, I was like, oh man, that's not there. And I just started having these fucking panic attacks where like, I felt like I was having a heart attack. My hands would start tangling. I feel like I was going to lose consciousness. I couldn't shower. I couldn't do it. I was afraid of everything. And we were doing a show and I just started crying in the middle of it. Right. I was talking to him. I said, I'm looking at him across the thing and he, he's on his phone and he's like looking at something. And he, I think you were like texting your mom at the time. And then I can see that he's starting to lose it. And I'm just, and then I just like hit pause on the thing. And I was like, yo, what's

going on? He goes, I can't. And I was like, oh my God. And then that day ended with me standing on the sidewalk and Danny standing in the street and like basically yelling like, yo, I can't live like this. And like crying. And then at the end of it, he was just like, I'm going to win an award for this dude because he was putting on some performance. It was like construction workers was like, who's this gay guy? I literally cried into this carpet. Yeah. It wasn't this apartment though. No, no, no. It was the other apartment. Yeah. So then I was like, yo, like, and then everyone starts telling you like, yo, you're fine. Right. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. And I'm like, yo, but there's something wrong with me because

so what happened was this is a very funny story. I was thinking about killing myself, which is hilarious, hilarious. And I was like, yo, I'm either going to jump off this terrace or I'm going to go to Lenox Hill Hospital and see if they could chain me to a radiator for a couple of days. Right. So, so I did. So I chose the land. Yeah. So I get there and I'm like, yo, listen, and I made the mistake when they ask you, do you have any bad thoughts about killing yourself? And I said, yeah, no, but it was a good thing you did. Yeah. Yeah. And then they were like, all right. Like they just like called a couple of people like tricked you like brought you to another room so like you can't run out. So they were like, all right, so give us

all of your shit. And I was like, all my shit. And I was just like, yeah, they were like, we need your shoelaces. Do you have any shorts with the ties in it? They took all my shit. And then they left me in a room with a paranoid schizophrenic for four days. Oh boy. Yeah. And you wanted to kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And then he was asking me, I made the wrong choice. He would yell in the middle of the night and saying I was stealing his things. So I didn't sleep for four days. So what happened though was is that they set up like a good network for me. I got out. I've been in therapy since I've been clean. And I just learned coping mechanisms and way to deal with my shit. Yeah. Because I had a lot of shit that I didn't address. Yeah. And I had to address it with especially with the people

that I didn't address it with. Yeah. And that shit is humbling as fuck. Hell yeah. Just being like, hey, remember that whole period where I was just a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. Sorry about that. This is why. Yeah. Yeah. But like, you know, having the physical symptoms, like I went to a hospital on a stretcher. And I was like, I'm dying. And they were like, dude, here's some like at a van. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But you know, all right. That's what drugs and alcohol. That's why yeah, they do a lot of people would do that to drown that out. Yeah. And because it's easier. It is easier. But yeah, I had to stop all that shit because I was losing my fucking mind. You're going to hurt yourself out there. Tell people. Yeah. Yeah. Tell someone get help. Yeah.

There's no shame in getting help. No. That's the hardest thing was that's that like Italian. I couldn't leave that. No, but that's not true. Because as there is like that Italian bravado where it's like, just bury it. My father like buried shit for years. And now he's in therapy and he's like the nicest guy ever. My dad didn't tell me he loved me until he was like 27. Oh, I tell him I was like 27 years old. Yeah. Yeah. You know, well, he doesn't love you. That's what I'm saying. He says it now. What can you do? You know, my dad is told him that you got to start saying or else you're going to lose your kid. He's like, all right, I'll say it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's contractually obligated. So he loves me now. Exactly. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, if he wants to get some fucking cheese from the face of the yard, you go like, all right, I want this amount of money and 14. I love you. And yeah, I want five hugs. Yeah. Well, he's got a few to make up. He's the year's running out. He's 12. Let's just say I keep looking at the sign and in my head, it's making me laugh. I keep going. Santagato studios. Santagato studios. Didn't light it up today. All right. So this next question. Okay. Yeah. This next question is still on the line. It's very serious like that. If you guys are right with answering it. Name five kid rock songs. Um, Bob with the bar. Okay. We got one diggy dang. That's what I need to confirm the bug and diggy dang. The nookie. I did it all for the

nookie biscuit. Oh, shit. No one's been able to do this by the way. I don't know. I don't know any kid rock kid rock USA or is that his bar? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know any kid rock songs. Can we name like, um, what's another guy like Detroit? Isn't he from Detroit? He probably definitely has a song named Detroit. So I'm going to count it. He's got that one. Bob with the bar to bang the bank. That's kid rock. I'm junk the boogie. We've established that's the only song. It's not the main one that we would know. Is there another one that we might know? There's a couple. Yeah. Uh, they called me kid rock. They called me kid rock. That's that same song. Oh, you're just doing the whole verse. Nobody had that other song. I want to be a cowboy baby.

I want to be a cowboy baby. I thought that was hoody. You did that. No, no, no. That's not hoody. Hoody probably has one of those. Yeah. I got a one eight to booty like groceries. Yeah. I was so taking, taking back when I found out hoody was black for some reason. Why are you taking back? Because you know, because you know, talk about it. When you're a kid, when you're a kid, do you remember when you were a kid and you honestly didn't really know what like artists look like? Yeah. You just heard their music. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, yeah, I listened to so much rap music and then I saw a picture hooded in the blowfish and I was just like, Oh, that's a black man. I thought the Beastie boys were black when I was a kid. See? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Next question here. We have somebody one day, I hope gets that kid rock question. Yeah. What's something you have to do every day? Like, and not like take a shit or piss or jerk off now. I got to speak to Chrissy every day once a day makes me happy. Yeah. That's the Chrissy every day. I got to text with Chrissy at least once a day. Okay. And it makes me feel good. Yeah. So that, well, that's his answer. So I'm involved, but I'm involved in that one. So I guess that that also counts as my one, but me, something I got to do every single day. Are you still googling James Harden without a shirt on? No, not Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy. I Google Tom Hardy without a shirt on. Back in the day. I'm guilty. I'm back in the day. Something I have to do every single day.

Antibiotics. You don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to do that anymore. I mean, my daughter, I speak to my daughter every day or see her, but that's like too easy. Get yelled at by the situation. Get yelled at by her mom. The situation. So you guys are on good terms. Yeah. Oh, I got to take my Omega three fish oil pill every day. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For good heart health and brain health and burp that shit up. Yeah. Yeah. The next question is what animal best describes you and how are we going to ask that? Cause we know it's high. That's easy. That's easy. We're going to go left or left to right stage left to right rate yourself one to 10 for I need that elaborate elaborate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No rookie scores. I'm a no, I can't go for

no, you gotta go for if you'd like four, you can go flat for if you feel it's a bullshit score. Yeah. That's for I'm stupid. I'm really stupid. I can't do math. I have to push the bill over to my girlfriend, my wife. See, I'm stupid. I'm calling my wife. I got to push over her so she can do tips. I will fix that part to keep you out of fucking stupid. I'm fucking stupid. Yeah. So I'm a four and I'm like an almost handsome kid. Yeah. I'm like, I'm look like John Stamos. If John Stamos had something bad with him, you look like you do. Yeah. I look like a like a John Stamos's brother who got the other genes. You look like you look like John Stamos's business manager. Yeah. Who's also his brother. You do got some Stamos. I look like John Stamos's ugly brother.

I'm going to bump that up to a six. Yeah. Because just because of Stamos. I'll take a fucking six. Thank you. I mean, come on, you fucking sex rocker. I'm going to say I'm going to give myself a 7.5 because my favorite band is the 1975 and then I love that band and I'm the only straight guy at the concerts. And so that I would say I'm only going to give myself a 7.5 today at this because I feel like I'm coming into the best version of myself at Cartol. Yeah. Because I feel like I'm staying in the present now as much as possible, reminding myself to stay in the present. I've accepted things as they are, not as I wish they were, which is a thing that George Washington was famous for doing while he was a great leader

because he didn't, you know, he's just accepted them as they are. You're wishing, you spend a lot of energy wishing. You got to do it as they are. Now, if you ever have Andrew Schultz as a guest and you ask him what he rates himself, he's going to go 20, baby. You said one to 10. I'm going to say 20. It's what it is. I tried to give you the future and you didn't want it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in my prime. Wait, so you think you go up and you're going to go down? From now, from today, I think that I'm trying to go up. I would say this. I'm happy at, if I never got any higher than a 7.5, I'd be very happy with that. You're perfectly comfortable. I'm perfectly comfortable just being not content, comfortable. I'm comfortable with it. I feel like

being a 7.5 is good enough for to give my daughter a good life. I just think about my kid now. Dude, Chlamydia saved your fucking life. Yeah. Even before that, Sam Adams with Chlamydia. There's always a buildup. There's always a buildup of stuff that helps you change. Sure. Mine was a nervous breakdown. Yours was Chlamydia. Yes. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was feeling this way before that. I think Chlamydia just solidified. It was a cherry on top. It was a cherry on top. It was the bacteria on top. It was a drip on top. It was a drip on top. Have a little Chlamydia chowder and you're good to go. Exactly. What game show do you think you guys would be best on? The newlyweds. Yeah. 90-day fiance. I fucking love that show. I've never seen

an episode. It's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Is it really 90 days and then you marry them? Do you have to marry them or what's the deal? I don't know. We're going on it though. Yeah, we're going on it. No, I actually, what game show? I mean, Jeopardy. No. Maybe, you know what? I would say Wheel of Fortune because we're a couple of kids that spin the wheel. Yeah, we spin the wheel. We like to spin the wheel. That's how I got Chlamydia. I'm spinning the wheel. I'm good at spinning the wheel. Wheel of Fortune. Yeah. Yeah. He spins the wheel with everything. Like, whenever it comes out of his mouth, it's a wheel spin. It's a wheel spin. Is it going to be true? Is it going to be a lie? I don't know. He just doesn't know. I could go on a podcast right after

this and just give completely different me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the best part about being an entertainer and a sociopath. Yeah. Is that we could just be people that we just made up that day. Well, that's like people get all bent out of shape, like even with stand-up or stuff like, is that what you're saying true? Who cares? Why don't you just, for an hour, just be present in the moment and just enjoy the entertainment. Yeah. Just enjoy it. Yeah. That's why it's like, listen, have fun. Just stop worrying about everything. Yeah. Take a little time off. Yeah. Take a little time for you. Being a little tight booty boy. Yeah. What's your least favorite feature about yourself? At least my eyes are too close together. Yeah. Yeah,

those things are touching. Yeah. He's got two. He's got two eyes or two claws. Yeah. Like a Cyclops. I mean, almost. Yeah, you want to see him without the glasses because these frame them and separate them? Oh, let's see it. Okay, put it back on. Yeah. Put the glasses. I got one eye, guy. It's the third eye. Yeah. He's human ayahuasca. The third eye's open. My nickname is one eye, guy. Yeah. His name's Yanni Ayahuasca because he's got a third eye. Yeah. And I got no butt. Yeah. It's got no butt. My nipples. I have nipple. I have an off-center nipple. One of my nipples looks like an anteater. That's why it comes out. It comes out. It comes out. I wear sweaters like that because I hide the nipple fat. Have you ever pinched your nipples before a photo?

No. I never thought to do that. I do that sometimes because I don't want to have soft nips and picks. Yeah. I got salami, like kind of just like pinkish off-centered nipples that by far is my chesticles in general are the worst part about me. Would you do like shirtless modeling though? I don't think I can physically. No one would want you. Yeah. Yeah. It's always like the casting director described me perfectly once. He said, you have leading man face best friend body. That's what I'm saying. That's what makes you so funny. It's like you also had a division one jump shot in a division three body. It's just these, I have these gifts that just kind of aren't right there. That's what you do. Because if you're Christie Breaks, even because if I was a leading

man face of the leading man body in division one jump shot, I wouldn't be funny. I wouldn't be funny. I would have a career in something else. That's another thing too. It's like, you know, how many comedians are just like complete smoke shows like dudes? No, not many. Not many. You got to have something off. Or else you're not going to be funny because you're just going to be a smoke show dude and you'll just be an actor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Um, oh, I go. Yeah. Last question. Yeah. Are you happy today? I'm very happy today. Yeah. This was a lot of fun. This is a real question. Like we actually mean this. Yeah. Today I'm happy. Just bought a house yesterday. Congratulations. Yeah. Um, very cool. One day I will hopefully. What's the

edges? I want you guys to come over now. Yeah. Yeah. It's got a nice little. I saw you said it. What's the shoe off, shoe off. I'm going shoe off, shoe off. I'm going Japanese on my house. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Nobody's. You have to establish that from the jump. I know. Yeah. You're going to have some fucking, fucking shoe wearing freaks in there. Especially in the winter, people walking in just putting fucking mud everywhere. I know. Can't have that. Do you have a mud room? I don't know what we got yet. We could make. Do you have a room for me? Yep. Yeah. I got a room for the bass. Yeah. We're going to fucking 2020. We're going to turn my house into a studio. That's what it is. Yes. We're going to do. You need a guesting for your bestie. Yeah. Yeah. You do. You do.

That's the thing. I'm happy today. And you're happy as well? I'm happy. Yeah. I'm happy. Eckhart Tolle. Eckhart Tolle. No. I'm happy because I feel like I was, I was, I had like a scare, a real scare. And it's on the other side now. So I feel like I was just like given some clarity and with really not that much, not that many scars. And I just feel extremely lucky. And it's a small, it's small, but it's like another little lease on life. You got out. A little lease on life. And also I'm happy because I'm just, I'm in, I'm in the present. I'm just trying to stay in the present. And I really don't have, I'm very happy with my present. I got a daughter that I love, a career that I love. I don't need to add anything else. That's

awesome. Yeah. We're, we're just blessed. I mean, look at what we're doing. We're just having, this is our job. We have a, if you, if you, if you take a step back and try to give yourself perspective every day, it helps. You be like, Hey man. You have to. It's, everybody should do that at least once in a day. My grandfather had to work like 28 hours a day. Yeah. And that was his life. Oh, he's a Greek kid, obviously, owned a diner. And like, Greek people have a great way of making more hours in the day. I'm done working in three minutes. And this was my job. Are you You know what I, you know what I'm, why I'm happy too? Because I identify like as Chris, I identify just as me. I, my job is not a part of me. My, you know, my, you know,

me being a father is, is, is not a part of me. It's like, Oh, all these things. I, I mean, I love being a dad. And, but it's like, I'm just happy because I'm me. It's like, so if you took everything away from me, it's like, you know, you had people in Japan for a long time, like you would have your job for life. And then they started to ask, you know, democracy started to creep in there. They started to fire people like how, how it is now. Japanese men were killing themselves left and right. Cause they identified only as their job. And then you take their job away or it's like, you know, my mom worked for 30 years and then she lose her job. She's like, what am I supposed to do when people retire? It's like, with this career, you don't have that

because I'm me every single day. So everything I do as a dad, as a comedian, it's all always me. So I don't, I'm not identifying with anything but me. So it's cool. You know, I never thought about it like that because I feel like I, I've been on both sides where I worked jobs where, you know, you, you do become part of that. It's like, oh, you're the cashier, you know, you're not who you are. You are the cashier for that. A lot of people do that too. Like if you've never worked in the service industry, like you walk into a place and it's like sometimes people treat waiters or, you know, chefs or whoever as, as like, oh, they're, they're a chef. This is their job. So it's like, no, that's a dude. That's a person. You know what

I mean? So that is an interesting perspective. I never thought about it. And I also think get chlamydia. You'll be clear. I think you're clear now. This has been a great sponsor for chlamydia. Absolutely. That's a great sponsor. I always think about that too. It's like, because you want to know, we don't really think about it because like we're in the hustle and bustle, like trying to like make content and put shit out, but it's really nice when like someone will send you like a genuine comment and she'd be like, dude, you're great. How are you like, you've like saved my life. And I'm like, dude, I'm just some fucking fat dude from Westchester. You know what I mean? So it's like, it really shows that like, you know, we got into this for a reason and we're

doing it the right way. It's just a great feeling to know. Like, you know what? I was right about something. Yeah. That's a true currency. You know, that's, that's the thing that lives on after you is the energy you put out. It goes into other people, goes into their kids, goes into your kids, because all the other shit, we're all going down because like Chris, you can't take money with me or anything. My goal in life is that when I go and people come to my funeral, they go, you know that was a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I want. That's it. That's all I want. And it's not that hard to get. And I feel like people complicate like everything in their life, like, you know, worrying about this and that. But it's like, at the end of the day, I think that's what everyone

wants when you really ask them. And it's like, it's not that hard. Yeah, he had his stuff, but you don't want a piece of shit. He was a good guy. He was a good piece of shit. Or you could be a piece of shit, but you don't get back on the right track before you go. Yeah. Or if you're a piece of shit, don't pretend like you're not a piece of shit. Because those are the real pieces of shit to me. Yeah, I respect pieces of shit. Yes. If you if you're up front about being a piece of shit. Yeah, I don't like the people who pretend like they're not and then they are because that's a real piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. The other ones I just kind of respect. I'm going like, you know what, I respect, you know, you're an asshole and you say you're an asshole and you're up front

about it. And I respect that. Yeah. I don't like when you're pretending this is something that it's not. Yeah. Because that's what that's what cowards do. That's what cowards do. Yeah. Be who you are out front. Absolutely. Fuck me. Fuck me. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Don't pretend not to fuck me. I'll for sure. Fuck you. Yeah. Yeah. Grindr at Christie Comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Make sure. Also, guys, it was fantastic having them on. Yes. Where can we find you? Yeah. Yeah. Because he usually does the outro. So I didn't like I didn't want to get slapped. Yeah. You know, he's Italian. He's gonna discipline you. Yeah. What do you guys got going on? When we leave, he's gonna fucking smack me. You can check out all my dates. ChrisDComedy.com. I got what? Is that no good?

ChristieComedy.com. Why are you laughing at me? Because I don't know why I looked at you. Yeah. I got a bunch of stand-up dates coming up. He was gonna discipline you. I don't know when this episode's coming out. Yeah. But I'm in Denver, Atlantic City, fucking Portland, all these, all these, Newark, New Jersey. Newark, New Jersey. theaters, theater gigs. So I need to take it to come. ChristieComedy.com. YannisPapasComedy.com, New York City, Gotham Comedy Club, February 21st and 2nd. And then Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey to follow the weekend, February 28 and 29th. And listen to our podcast, History Hyenas. And check out our website for that, historyhyenas.com. We got a bunch of fun stuff up there. And we got patreon.com

slash Bay Ridge Boys if you want to be part of the matriarchy and get your pseudo penis wet. Yeah. And also check out Eckhart Toll. He'll help you find your third eye. He'll help you get your third eye and you can look like Yannis. Yeah. And get tested. I think that's the moral of this week's episode. Get tested. Because if you do have chlamydia, then get ready for a new life. That's what it is. That's what it is. Get tested. Don't worry. It's a new beginning. People, after listening to this episode, people are gonna get chlamydia and be like, thank God. Yeah. I needed this. Now I see the light. Yeah. Tweet your results, hashtag ChristieChlamydia. There you go. There will be comments in the YouTube, like,

you know, like, I never really thought about it, but like Chris really opened my eyes about chlamydia and I'm actually going to take his advice and move forward. Yeah. Or you're gonna just start having people go too far and they're gonna be like, I want to be open. I have full blown aids and I've had it for years. And now I am a monk. Yeah. The comments in the episode are gonna go with like that to like, you guys were talking about the queen again. Yeah. And then other guys go on like, I thought this was a fucking home improvement podcast. Wait, go back to the globe. Yeah. You can have a real, a real rage of comments that runs the gamut. All right, cool. Guys, thank you for coming on. It was a lot of fun. Thanks for having me. We'll

see you guys next time.