The Basement Yard - Valentine's Day Sex

Episode Date: February 16, 2016

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welcome back to the basement yard it is Monday February 15th um it's a little late I fucked up well I just had a busy day I wasn't really home all day but it's 9 p.m. right now so everyone's probably like where the fuck this fucking lazy bitch right now no but I'm doing it guys I'm doing it I swear to God yesterday was Valentine's Day so shout out to all you lovers out there I sound like a radio host shout out to all you lovers out there and this next one's for you I'm not gonna sing but um yesterday was Valentine's Day which was dope me and my girlfriend went to this place in the city Patsy's it's called Patsy's

Italian restaurant nice place they had good food I almost killed myself though I got really I didn't get sick but I almost got sick as you guys know I've been barely eating because I had my wisdom tooth was growing in I don't even know if I said this I don't know why I said that like you guys know that but my wisdom tooth has been growing in it's kind of like done now so I can kind of eat but wow my voice cracked I'm like 12 um I can barely eat with this shit because I can't chew or open my mouth too wide because it hurts like hell but anyway yesterday we got to this restaurant and I was like oh you want to

get an appetizer she's like yeah let's get this fried mozzarella shit and I was like all right so we get this thing the waiter brings it over it's like deep fried mozzarella cheese but it's huge it's big and it was so good that I couldn't stop eating it so I had all that cheese and it was just not good right cheese is heavy guys all right if you eat cheese I feel like I couldn't breathe I feel like if I burped a cheese bubble would come out of my mouth but so I ate all that cheese and then when I was ordering right nice restaurant this guy's dressed like a fucking sailor I swear to God the waiter had this white

jacket on and had like the yellow trim on the top you know like how sailors do or like like captains of boats or whatever he was just missing the hat but he was wearing one of those things he was thinking a place like this they do not run out of roasted chicken and they had this beautiful roasted chicken thing on the menu and I was like please can I have this shit and he goes dude all out of that shit and I go goddamn it so they didn't have any of that and the place was packed so I was afraid that if I didn't give him an answer right away that he would walk away and wouldn't come back for 20 minutes so I panicked and I was

like I just give me the chicken parm which I get all the time didn't want to do it I wanted to switch it up get this roasted chicken that looked delicious but he didn't have it so I panicked I said chicken parm and I don't know if you guys know what chicken parm is but there's more fucking cheese on that thing so I started eating that and then the combination of all the cheeses I felt like I was gonna explode so I barely ate that and I got in the car and oh miracle by the way drove into Manhattan and I go to this place it's on like 8th Avenue and if you're not from New York then I just want to let you know

that is impossible to find parking it's impossible but I found a spot right outside the place Jesus or God or any one of those guys who are magical found a spot for me and they opened it up which was nice so I had a free spot didn't pay any money to park because usually if you want to park in the city you're like oh forget I'll just park in a parking garage they go yeah how long you gonna be two hours off for $50 you fucking idiot so you know that was good I didn't pay any money but so we went to this place and had all this cheese and I had sent my girlfriend flowers on Saturday the day before Valentine's Day because I

couldn't send them Sunday they weren't available available for whatever reason so I was like you know what let me just spread it out two days we'll make two days be nice so I sent her flowers on Saturday with a card and shit 1-800 flowers thank you that's not an advertisement I just sold the commercial a ton of times and I was like you know what I'm gonna fucking try that and I tried it and it worked out so fuck it but yeah I did that I sent her flowers on Saturday and then Sunday we went to dinner and I got her these ugg boots too they're like winter boots God dude ugg these fucking boots ugg Australia the

place is called if these these boots better be made out of fucking kangaroo pouch because I paid fucking $300 for him she's not gonna listen to she doesn't know the price but I paid $300 for these fucking boots they better be made out of the fucking pouch that kangaroos have where they put their babies in because Jesus Christ $300 give me a break and I had to drive all the way to fucking Soho which is super downtown in Manhattan God there's no parking down there and there's cobblestone everywhere Jesus Christ I'm angry right now guys it's out of control but if you guys follow me on Instagram then you saw

that I posted a picture of my girlfriend's room because she surprised me with this room that looked like a surprise that I should have surprised her with does that make sense are you following because I opened the door to her room and there were lights hanging and a balloon that said I love you and then there's candy my favorite candy gummy bears and sweethearts are scattered all over the bed they're in the packaging relax all right but there's candy scattered over the bed and signs like big candy signs that like your third grade teacher would put on the Bolton board that says like be mine like with

the hearts and shit those are all over the bed as well so that was really nice she's a nice girl you know she's she's beautiful and I posted that picture on Instagram and a lot of people were commenting the funniest things one person said this looks like the type of room that you rent by the hour and it did what you think about it like when I think of like motel like like a motel honey room suite that's what it looked like that's exactly what it looked like like red lighting there's like you know fucking just random chocolate things everywhere it was fucking crazy but and people like oh they fucking I know they

fucking right they fuck as he posted this they fuck I was like okay and I got to tell you I did not do that because the cheese got me the cheese the cheese got me man I was not in any condition to perform so nothing happened we went to bed we hung out you know it was very nice it was a very nice day but I couldn't do anything because the cheese got me man I felt like I was gonna throw up like since I got in the car and everything was cool I was like haha and then we made a left and I was like I'm gonna fucking vomit and I just felt like that the entire night until I fell asleep when I woke up I felt fine and we fucked like

Puma's and it was great and so that's how my morning went but yeah that was Valentine's Day it was beautiful you know very nice I've become one of those people that I resented my whole life who post about and talk about their Valentine's Day and just throw it in people's faces and that's why I've become and I think I'm totally fine with that and it's totally fine it's you know whatever I'm totally cool with someone out there who's single going oh fuck you you fuck I hope you both died hope you both died in that bed I'm totally cool with that because I totally understand but yeah I mean I you know

this is the first not the first Valentine's Day that a good Valentine's Day it's like one of like two was one of yeah this Valentine's Day last Valentine's Day were very nice but usually I don't have a nice Valentine's Day but Valentine's Day does that okay whatever I'm an idiot in middle school I had a Valentine seventh yes seventh grade I had this Valentine I think Daphne but anyway so I had a Valentine and I had this gift for her and it was in my locker and before school you can go early and they let you in the gym and you could play basketball and that was my life so I was like I'm gonna go play

basketball so I'm playing basketball and there was one of my friends his name is Chris Nappy he's very short right not so much anymore he's a normal sized person now but he was very short back then he was about four foot zero right and he was very short and he was good at basketball though but for I don't know how this kid did it he has Michael Jordan hops this kid went to go grab a rebound and he jumped in the air and his elbow came down right on my fucking eyeball and he gave me a black eye and like bruised my eye socket to the point where it looked like I got the shit kicked out of me right so he elbows me

in the eye and they take me to the nurse because I was like bleeding or whatnot and I had my I had an ice pack on my eye my dad walked in just to give you an idea my dad my dad walked into the nurse's office because he had to come pick me up because they thought I had a concussion or whatever because I was a little dizzy I might add concussion who knows my dad walked in he goes would you forget your girlfriend's fucking gift and she punched in the eye that's what he said in front of all the people that were in the nurse's office and the nurse the nurse was like oh I'm sorry you have to go home to this guy and but I was like

no dad I was playing basketball okay shut your mouth I didn't say that because he would have gave me a magic black eye but I did say it in my head and that has to count for something but I had gifts for this girl in my locker and I couldn't give it to her because I got fucking elbowed in the eye and I had a good I got sent home so she did not get her gifts that year and that was upsetting and I couldn't give it to the next day because I felt like why would I the next day it just looks like I didn't try and I had a black eye too and like all the chocolate was like melted the next day in my in my locker just like

someone shit inside a heart like I'm not gonna give her this so that's what happened and then in high school I got to high school and had a nice little Valentine's Day there actually there was this girl that I had a crush on which just like weird now to like talk about it cuz like you know whatever but this girl Katrina my freshman year of high school I had a big crush on her and it was Valentine's Day so I was like I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get this girl a candy heart and a teddy bear and she had no idea we barely spoke like we kind of knew who each other were and I was like more on the shy side I would

say my freshman year because I was still adjusting to being around that many white people that honest to God that's really what was happening because in my middle school I was like one of seven white kids and everyone was either black or Spanish and that's just how it was and that's how I was from sixth to eighth grade and even in my elementary school it was very diverse there was you know Muslim kids there was black kids there were Spanish kids there was Chinese kids there was all kinds of shit but so anyway so when I got to high school I went to a Catholic high school so just like all white kids so I was just kind

of like okay this is a totally different setup here I gotta figure it out but this girl she I thought she was very pretty and had a crush on her so I was like you know what I'm gonna get her a nice little chocolate heart and that fucking what's it called a teddy bear and we had a class together I'm not sure what class it was I'm gonna call it math because I'm not sure let's say we had math class together so I walk up to her after class and like we were like on speaking terms it wasn't like she was some random chick so I was like yo I got you something for Valentine's Day and it's in my locker my locker was right

down the hall and in my mind I'm thinking this is gonna be sick like I'm gonna open this shit I'm gonna open my locker and give her a gift and it's gonna be on we might fuck right there in the hallway you know I mean that's what I planned in my mind but that's not how it went truth be told I walk this girl to my locker and put my combination in on the second try I was a little nervous my hand was jittery you know what I mean so I missed the combination the first time she didn't notice but I remember so second time bam I get it open I'm like it's it's time this is the time to do it and I take out this chocolate heart and

it's got a fucking teddy bear on it and she goes oh this is so nice I was like yeah yeah yeah you're welcome mm-hmm and she's like and then we just kind of just stare at each other and I was just kind of like okay this is not how this is supposed to go and I was and then I just turned and shut my locker and I said I will see you at lunch and she's like cool and she walked away and I walked away and I didn't tell anyone that I did that I don't think anyone knows that I did that honestly except her and maybe the people that she told and they probably went what he why did who is that by the way who is Joe so that's what

happened in high school swear to God that's true and it was sick I feel like in my senior year I like talked to her about and I was like that was so fucking weird we never really became like super cool friends like she was in a couple of my classes I'm like we're on like a high-end by basis but she was cool but it was just like so weird that day I was just kind of like oh yeah this is gonna be dope and then it was just so weird because then I realized how kind of weird it was you know what I mean because like it's not like I don't want people to go oh wow she's a bitch like no she was not a bitch she's not a bitch

it's rightfully so that's the way she acted you know it was a little completely caught this girl off guard we barely spoke like that we just kind of like talked during class sometimes so it's kind of like she didn't know what to make of this like this get hitting on me what is what's going on are we what do we do now that's kind of what it was but yeah I haven't had a good track record of Valentine's Day so I can't think of another shitty Valentine's Day oh there was another Valentine's Day and when I was in second grade I have a my memory is a steel trap I remember everything so second grade this girl Kelsey's in our

class and my best friend Frankie I've known him forever right you guys know him if you guys know him if you've been following for a while my friend Frankie and we're in second grade in this kid I've told this story before but this girl gave me a fucking a box of sweethearts and on the back they just have like the heart and it says to from and then these lines so she wrote to Joey from your best friend Kelsey and my friend Frankie saw that and goes I thought I thought I was your best friend what what the fuck is it I was like dude she can I'm I'm not her she I'm her best friend she's not my best that's not how and

she's like are you kid dude we I've no use since pre-k and I'm not your best friend this girl's your best friend I was like dude she I can be her she's my she I can be her best friend that doesn't mean I'm hers that she's mine I was trying to explain this whole thing to him he just didn't understand he didn't talk to me for two weeks that was another Valentine's Day it was not it's traditionally not a good good day for me but had a good one this year it was very nice but yeah so that was Valentine's Day guys and also I wanted to talk about how I got this tweet recently I guess someone had just watched like a

family video of mine like those videos I post my family sometimes and they were like oh my god you guys should be on family feud and I'm like yes you know why first of all I don't know if you know this by now but I'm dominant in family games or board games or whatever except Monopoly that games horseshit Monopoly is for assholes I hate that game it's four hours long I don't have that kind of time I need to win now I need to get the fuck out that's it you know what I mean I don't want to play Monopoly I gotta I gotta roll the dice four hundred times oh you landed on board fuck your boardwalk and the railroads

I hate that shit but any other game I'm good at so okay and family feud I used to watch religiously like religiously like every day I would just sit I would because it's on all day on the game show network it's like 14 episodes in a row they're on all day so I just sat there and I just I played and I just like make fun of these people it's like they're clueless they pick clueless people like I don't understand and that's the thing too those families are so like nice to each other me my family would not be nice to each other on those shows like they give like the dumbest answers and like their families like supporting them it's

like oh things uh things you find at the beach and the guys like hamster and their families like yeah okay yeah hamsters in the sand like no man you know there's no fucking hamsters at the beach you fucking idiots why are you clapping see me if my brother give the answer hamster we all go what the do what the fuck man like they can't put us on TV because that's what we would do like I you know if Keith said some shit like that I don't know hamster we'd be like dude like none of us would be they all like look at the board and like as they clap and everyone's like okay all right like they're trying to figure out

ways try to justify this dumb answer immediately no we would not look at the board we'd look at Keith and be like what the fuck dude we're gonna win 10 grand as long as you don't fucking say answers like that just get to keep get your shit together you know what I mean can't be on that show for that reason because we would just just fucking scream at each other hamster at the beach the fuck is wrong with you lady and I hate that that shows that shows dumb but I this is another show um oh god I forgot the name of it but it's so fun train chain reaction or some shit like that god I was playing that the

other day there's nothing better than just sitting on the couch being a lazy piece of shit and watching game show network and just like screaming at the answers even if they're wrong you think you're right that's like another thing like I could play Jeopardy Jeopardy is like fucking hard this shit is hard if you're good at Jeopardy god but I respect you a ton but if like a good night for me on Jeopardy is five answers if I can get five answers right on Jeopardy I feel like I'm like well you know I should probably write a book now and you know just whatever you know just write a book and just tell people

about all the things that I know because I got five things right on Jeopardy there was literally a night where I'm not kidding there was literally a night where I got I think like nine answers right on the entire show of Jeopardy there's tons of questions and I got nine right and I argued with all of my family members that I was the smartest in the house I haven't gone to college I have like 15 credits and I was arguing with these people that I'm the smartest in the house because I got nine questions right on Jeopardy I was like no it's just like you did you know the answer to that did you know did you know you

didn't so who is the smartest in the house thank you okay did you get nine answers right no so if we were on this show who would have the most money me or you exactly so who's who's the smartest then how are we gonna judge it we were having this argument swear to God for 30 minutes and you know it's ironic that we were having that are like I was putting up that argument to see who was smartest in the house which would make me dumb like that's like a dumb thing to judge intelligence on a game of Jeopardy so you know there's already there but yeah guys Jesus Christ and I'm also by the way I want to get a dog I told you

guys this but I'm like finalizing it and I'm gonna start buying like a dog bed because I want to get a golden doodle and they're kind of big man I'm fucking scared I'm like scared but not scared cuz it's like oh god it's so long they're like where they lift it like 10 to 15 years I think or like 12 to 15 or whatever you know what I mean I'm gonna be fucking 33 or 35 when this thing dies I'm gonna be a grown man I'm be a mess when this one a dog dies oh boy you don't even want to know when my dog dies now oh my god dude I cried at Marley and me like it was my son like it was my son who died in that movie like the dog

didn't even actually die in the movie like the dog was just dogs just acting it's an actor dog and I was crying my eyes out but yeah man this big dog I'm kind of nervous about getting it but I'm gonna do it fuck it I'm gonna name it Charlie and I'm gonna teach you to do cool shit and that's all but I think I've talked about this before so I'm not gonna bore you guys I'm just gonna get the fuck out of here all right I'm gonna get on Star Wars and I'm gonna play that all night and that's what I'm gonna do guys so I'm gonna get the fuck out of here okay there's gonna be a new video tomorrow night if all goes well which

you know it should everything's been going great lately I appreciate all your support you know fuck you guys all right fuck you guys I don't give a shit I'm kidding thank you so much for years but yeah look at this 23 minutes this one's longer than the last one I'm killing it now they're getting longer guys I'm telling you I this one was good I flowed right through this fucker anyway that's all oh and I hit 2 million on Facebook absurd this absurd the Facebook video went fucking viral again it's crazy 300,000 followers on Twitter it's a it's a crazy amount guys I never would have thought this would have happened and

I appreciate I really do appreciate all of it but anyway if you guys are into sports I actually just recorded the podcast my friends it's called veterans minimum it's on SoundCloud and iTunes you guys can check that out if you're into sports we talk sports and we give bets gambling advice and shit like that I like to think that we know our shit we had really good football seasons this year as far as betting goes we all were above 500 which in Vegas if you're above 500 that means that you are considered a pro we are not pros we got lucky but we do know our shit so you know just follow us on Twitter at veterans minimum and

let's talk some shit about sports and yeah that's also probably the best way to reach me if you do want to talk about sports because there's not a lot of followers on that account I'm always on that account also if you guys I'm on another pod podcast called invasion of privacy with a female comedian Kate Wolf we talk about serious topics on there and you know other things so that's where you get the serious side of me to go check that out also invasion of privacy on SoundCloud and iTunes and I'm also in the process of getting my shit back on iTunes so if all goes well then within two weeks I should have my shit

back on iTunes and the order of in the world will be restored and as always thanks for listening motherfuckers