The Basement Yard - WE ARE BEING ROBBED!

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

I started talking about Mother's Day & then somehow ended up ranting about the fact that the government is robbing us. Sorry. Sponsored by Blue Apron (offer code: basement) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the basement yard, it is Monday, May 9th, 2016 and I know I missed last week, don't fucking kill me, alright? I thought I was gonna do it, but I felt like shit that day, I felt sick, so I didn't do it and then I was like, I'll probably put one out tomorrow on Tuesday And that shit didn't happen either, and then I didn't wanna put one out Wednesday either because of whatever So I skipped a week, I'm a piece of garbage, I know, alright, don't kill me Jesus, I'm coughing, see, someone's trying to kill me It was just one week, let me go But yeah, I feel like shit, I wasn't even like actually sick, I was just like lazy sick Like you ever get like just, like you just lay around all day and you're like, I just feel like, I don't wanna do anything

And you feel like you're gonna throw up for like four hours, I don't know man, I just felt like someone took a shit inside me Like that's what it felt like, it was so weird Um, it's, I don't know, when I lay around like that, I just feel like shit at the end of the day I used to do it all the time, like in elementary school, high school, any type of schooling In the morning I would like fake sick all the time, at least, I wanna say four times a month I would fake sick And three out of those four times I'd be like, mom, I don't feel good today And she's like, I don't give a fuck And she'd drop an elbow on my eye socket and send me to school with a black eye

But the one time that it would work every month was dope Like it would be cool for like the first hour, cause she's like, oh I gotta go back to sleep So I'd go back to sleep and then I'd wake up and just like be on my phone and like realize that I can't text anyone cause they're all in class And then just lay around and watch ESPN all day, the same show over and over again Every half hour they just repeat the shit So then you start memorizing that show and then you start to feel like garbage You start to feel like shit, you're laying around all day, you get lazy sick That's what I like to call it

I used to think my mom was a witch I would stay home from school, I would fake sick and then she would find out midday and then put a hex on me And then I'd be actually sick Speaking of mothers, Mother's Day just passed Which if you're a mother and listening to this, happy Mother's Day You're the best person in the world Second best, my mother's the best You can take second place, that's fine

But yeah, Mother's Day just passed Funny story actually Well this year, me and my siblings got my mom this patio set shit I don't know, like a bunch of chairs, a table and like Ottomans and stuff Because she wanted it and it's like, for summer it's gonna look nice We're gonna make everything look nice Every year she has this thing where she's like, we're gonna make it look nice That's all she says and we just have to buy new stuff and that's it

So she always says that kind of thing You know, how about we make it look nice And we're just like, fuck, now this is like a whole project But um, yeah But it's a funny story So that's why we got her this year But a funny story is when we were younger My dad

Me and Keith were like Me and my brother Keith, we had to have been like 13, 14 years old So we didn't have any money So he goes, here's like $20, whatever it was He's like, here's $20 Go get your mother flowers and a card And we're like, yeah We got it

You know, because how could two kids possibly fuck up flowers and a card It's very easy So we got the flowers That part was good And then we went to CVS or Rite Aid or Eckerd They change the name every five seconds at that place Whatever it is, I don't know what it is right now I think it's Rite Aid, who the fuck cares

One of those stores, you know So we go in there and we get a card I mean, dudes shop for cards very easily We see one and we're like, okay, whatever We open it and it says I love you We're like, good, I'm down, whatever, I don't care Girls will be there all day It's like the library for them

They go in there, they read every card They're not satisfied until they read every book Every card Dude, I've seen my mom go card shopping She picked one up The first one she picked up, she's like, oh my god, I love this one It's perfect And she held on to it and she read 30 cards after that

I'm like, if you found the one, what are you doing? And she was like, I'm playing, what if, you know Your aunt's birthday is in a couple months I want to look at the aunt cards, I'm like, what the hell is this, man? But anyway, I'm getting off track here Off track here So we come home Me and Keith sign the card

Keith always signs cards to my mom or my dad Or anyone in my family Keith Sanagato He signs his full name How ridiculous is that? We don't know who the fuck he is It's like, to mom, you know, happy mother's day I love you, love Joey, Shannon, Thomas

And Keith Sanagato He always signs his full name But anyway, on this card It was just me and Keith, because my sister and my brother They had money, they were older, so they bought their own stuff Me and Keith had this card We signed the card, we give her the card She opens it, it was a fucking anniversary card

We got her an anniversary card And when she opened it, we had no idea Like, we saw a card that had a flower on it We're like, this is sick And we bought it We signed it, when she opened it She thought it was funny My dad was disgusted

He looked at me and was like, no, no, no, no It's ridiculous, you two, it's ridiculous You gotta be kidding me And do you even read the cards when you pick them up? Dude, oh my god, that shit was so funny We're idiots, man I've been dumb for a very long time I don't think anyone's like

I make those videos about dumb people But people don't even realize how dumb How long I've been dumb That's why it's so easy to make fun of these people Because it's like I'm talking about myself Anyway So, yeah We took my mom to brunch as well

On Mother's Day, it was nice Got a little eggs, actually I didn't get eggs I got three big ass pancakes Dude, diners don't know how to make pancakes You either get tiny ones Or ones that are the size of the whole fucking plate I'm like, what am I supposed to do with all this And there's bacon and fruit

I'm like, Jesus Christ I walked out of this place, I had diabetes And I was ten pounds heavier It was ridiculous But anyway, so as we're at brunch I wanted to check on the dogs Because I wanted to see how they were doing Because I bought this camera

It's called Pet Cube It's fucking awesome It's this camera that I put in the corner Of the living room So that I could check on the dog when I'm not there And I look at it And we had just gotten our food We're not leaving anytime soon

So if the house is on fire The dogs are gonna have to wait I just got my food But I checked the camera And this dog has pulled I don't even know where the fuck it was But it was hidden He pulled an entire two

Actually two fucking bags Of bounty Of paper towels and the napkins He pulled them into the living room And just shredded all of it Just shredded it He doesn't eat paper, he just shreds it He gets pissed when you leave him alone

And he just shreds paper It's so ridiculous Dude, so like the bounty Obviously you know what paper towels are Everyone knows what that shit is This was like an A-Pack maybe He said it was like A-Packs It was stuffed into the corner

Of my dining room Behind this thing Somehow this hairy son of a bitch Got back there And pulled it all the way into the living room Into his little bed And just shred the entire thing We got home

There was paper towels All over the fucking windowsill The couch, the floor He peed on one I was like oh my god He took a shit I mean it was on his pad But it still made the house smell like garbage

I'm still working on him, you know Going outside I'm taking him on walks more frequently But that's neither here nor there But he shit There was pee There was stuff I was like oh my god

And here's the thing He's smart, he's not dumb He knows when he's doing something wrong And he goes to the house Like I come in first I open the door And I just look at him And I go

And he immediately like Courses into the corner And he's like I'm sorry But I put him in a Not in the cage But in like a pen Like I can't put him in the cage as punishment Because then he'll hate it

And he won't go to sleep in it But I put him in this pen And he was good He laid down And he's like I know I fucked up It's so funny My dog is such a dick though

He'll talk back Like if he's doing something bad I'll go hey What are you doing? He'll just like lay down But still be like Like fuck you man Like he'll curse me out under his breath

He's such a dick This guy's ripping up paper But yeah It was nice you know The whole brunch I was thinking about going home And what else was going to be chewed up Pretty soon I'm going to get there

The couch is going to be half eaten And my mom's going to kill me But yeah Whatever Recently I went to the city And it was an absolute disaster Before we get to that though Let's do this

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Boom sex dude Are you kidding me This is why this is the best invention ever I've been praying for something like this But seriously I did this and I swear I've never cooked anything Except scrambled eggs

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Blue apron A better way to cook You're fucking welcome No dude Seriously come on Less than $10 a meal You get to cook it So you don't feel completely useless

And it's good for you You gotta be kidding Dude, I used to work in the city I used to work in Manhattan And every like breakfast and lunch I would go out of the office To get something to eat It was always like $15

I'm like What the fuck What am I paying for Everything in Manhattan Is ridiculously expensive Dude, I went across the street I got a bacon, egg and cheese And like a Gatorade or something

And the guy was like Yeah, eight bucks I'm like What the fuck What kind of eggs are these Goose eggs That was a terrible joke I'm sorry people

But recently I went to the city And I hate taking the train there Because there's always psychotic people On the train And I can't I just, you know I can't do that I can't do it

And I'm sitting Like I have to dodge piss There's piss on every other seat Fuck this shit So I always drive into the city So I made the mistake of driving Into the city In the middle of the day

And I hit traffic And I was almost late to this place And like finding parking in Manhattan Is close to impossible So, but I left early And I was like I'll just drive around I'll find a spot

But I hit traffic in the middle of the day I don't know It wasn't even middle of the day It was noon Why there was traffic is beyond me Why isn't anyone in their office Or whatever the fuck's going on But anyway, so I was

My meeting was at like 12.15 No, my meeting was at one o'clock And I got there like 15 minutes before So I didn't have any time to look for parking So I had to park in one of these parking garages And they just like They just stick it in your ass Slowly with these prices

Let me tell you They fucked me good I, sometimes these They're not bad It's like, oh, you're gonna be gone for like An hour, okay Nine bucks or like 12 bucks Whatever it is

Dude, I was gone for an hour and 33 minutes I came back And I was like, yeah Here's the ticket So I give the guy a ticket And he goes, you have $55 I was like Why don't you just take all of my

Hits at my phone and my clothes $55 What the fuck am I paying for? And then I started to think about it What the fuck am I paying for? Space A space Just a place

You pay for that You wanna put your car there? You pay for it That's the most ridiculous fucking concept Just think about that I don't even know if you can understand What I'm talking about But think about the fact that

You're like, oh, I can't even Compare this to something But someone decided Okay, you see this whole space right here If you want to put your car here You have to give me $55 Like what the fuck We're paying for space

Are you kidding me? And in the same day I'm not making this up In the same day I got home It was a nice day out So I told my brother I'm like, let's go for a bike ride

And he's like, I need to get some air So we go to the gas station It's a dollar for air Now I realize it's just a dollar But after that whole space Paying for space shit Now I'm in that realm of thinking And I'm like, look at this shit now

We're paying for air? What the fuck is going on? How do we not rebel against this shit? We're paying for space And now they're hoarding the air Compressed air Do you want to pay for your air? And my brother's like, no

You're paying for the electricity To pump the air Fuck that, dude I'm paying for the air This is horse shit We're paying for bottled water too Dude, how many times are we going to be tricked? Space, air, water

Fucking ATMs are taking money We have to pay an ATM For our own fucking money We're paying for our own money What the fuck is going on? We have nothing Guys, we have nothing We pay for space

We pay for air And we pay for water That comes out of our faucet for free And the sky And we pay for our own fucking money sometimes And if God forbid you're in a casino And you take out money at an ATM They'll clear you out

It's like, dude, you want to take out money? We'll need 40% of whatever is left in your bank Thank you It's fucking insane How did we let this happen? How is no one... How are we not standing up to this? You know what I mean?

I gotta, like, dude Start a hashtag or something This is insane, insanity We're just letting it happen Like, yeah, whatever, take our shit I don't care Take whatever It's nuts

We have nothing left They're stealing from us We're being robbed every day And no one gives a shit, apparently We're like, yeah, whatever, that's how it goes It's insane Paying for air It's nuts

It's wild And, like, old people who have, like, emphysema or some shit I'm sure they gotta pay for that oxygen chank... Chank That oxygen... Oh, God, I can't speak now I'm all fucked They're paying for that oxygen tank

That they're wheeling around with them So they can live They're paying for that How fucked up is that? This old guy is gonna die Unless he gets air pushed into his nose And we're like, yeah, we're still gonna need money from you, dude We don't give a fuck if you live or die

Just, we want our money, just whatever What the fuck? We're making people pay for air You can't breathe, dude, that's on you If you need air that's going to be pushed You gotta pay What the fuck kind of shit is that? Whatever, man

They're stealing I can't really complain, though, because I've stolen shit before I used to steal all the time And I don't know if I've ever said this In, like, a video or on a podcast You just hear what I just said, ever Like, I said it, man, weird

I don't know if someone caught that, but When I was younger I don't know why One day I did it and I was like, ooh So I was in a candy store I never stole anything of value Like, I never stole a car or anything like that Or, like, jewelry

For that matter I always just stole candy, like But all the time, like, it was a problem Like, one time I went into a deli And what did I want? I forgot, oh, you know those, like, sour spray Fucking things Where you spray sourness into your face

So I got this sour spray And I just, I didn't have money for it So I just stole it And, like, no one caught me And I was like, oh, I got this for free That was sick It was wrong But the adrenaline was worth it

And then after that I was hooked It was like Dexter I'm just, I just started Dexter, by the way It's like a serial killer The guy's fucked up He, like, kills people It's awesome But I felt like that

I was like, oh, I'm doing something bad But it feels good So every time I went to a deli I would just steal shit And it started to get ridiculous Because I remember going into a deli one time And I stole, like, a 12 pack of gum Like, you know, like, winter fresh

Like, they come in, like, those long ass 12 packs Or, like, 30 packs I don't even know if they make them anymore Because who the fuck needs that many pieces of gum At one time Like, it's a huge thing And I took that One time I took a whole big bag of M&Ms

I just stuffed it in my waistband And just left, like, the deli Like, dude, what the fuck is wrong? I'm trying to, like, think of my mentality back then Like, why am I stealing it in a giant bag of M&Ms? Not, like, the handheld bags Like, the big ones that you buy for, like, a party Or if you're making, like, a cake or some shit

I don't know But, like, dude, a big ass bag of M&Ms I took that Like, what the fuck is wrong with me? You know what I mean? So I can't really, uh, I can't really complain Because I'm stealing right back I'm stealing right back

You're taking my air, my space, my water, and my fucking money I'm taking your fucking M&Ms Alright? I'm a thief And I don't give a shit Anyway, that's all I got I'm all fucked, guys I can't even, like, this is a short episode

But it's because nothing has happened In, like, the past week or so It's insane You know what's insane? Actually, I will talk about this I just want to say thank you To everyone who's been watching these videos Because it's really, it's exploded

First of all, I love everyone that's watching Listen to the podcast This I like more than doing the videos Just because I'm lazy and doing this is, like, easy And, uh, I just like talking And I could talk about nothing for hours But, you know, I cut it short for your sake But the, uh, the videos have exploded, man

Like, millions of views Millions One of the videos got a million views in a week And I was like, what is wrong with these people? Why are they doing this? But it's really, I really appreciate it It's overwhelming Like, the Facebook page has over 3 million likes now

The podcast is, you know, gaining some traction Which is great I love doing this shit And, um, yeah, man The videos are getting hundreds of thousands of views Millions of views And I'm just like, wow It's really crazy, man

It's really nuts I, uh, didn't expect this one I'm gonna be honest with you Um, but yeah, it's great I love it I don't know what else to talk about for you guys What the fuck's going on here? God, I got a candle lit right now

Is that weird? I'm just doing a podcast with a candle lit And, you know, someone told me They were like, yo, you should film your podcasts And then upload them to YouTube And I'm like, that would be weird Cause like, if you guys could see me right now You would realize how low budget this is

Like, I'm literally Let me explain what it looks like right now A microphone in a stand, right? It's in a stand It's plugged into this recording device, this thing And, uh, I have headphones on No shirt Shorts

I have one foot Against my dresser The other foot is against my dog's cage So I'm like, spread eagle right now Right? And, uh, there's a candle lit And the candle Is, uh, flavored

Flavored, yeah, cause we're eating candles It's scented Fluffy towels Okay, that's what's going on here I'm not in a studio There's not like, you know, some guy behind a Fucking, what are those things called? I don't even know

There's like 4,000 levers Levers What are those called? Sliders? I don't know What is that called? I feel so dumb Who the hell knows?

Do you know what I'm talking about though? Like producers or whoever They sit in front of that thing, that desk It's got a bunch of fucking buttons and lights and shit How can you possibly use all those? You ever see videos of like rappers in the studio? There's thousands of like Levers and gears and switches and shit

Like, dude, just, just, you're just rapping Just rapping, just rap the song, please And move this one thing, it's the volume, that's it But there's nothing, there's none of that It's just me, my candle I'm spread eagle I'm not proud I need a shower too

It's crazy And shave Oh god And cut my toenails I'm a fucking disaster See, this is why it's not on video I love this On Tuesdays I have to clean up

I'm like, okay, people are gonna see this They're gonna look at me I can't look like I just, you know Went on a 5-day bender Drinking So, yeah, that's why I can't do that I can't do that

A half an hour of staring at me God, you don't need to do that That's fucking weird Anyway, that's all I got, guys By the way, if you are interested in sports Then please head over to my sports podcast I really love doing that as well It's a lot of fun

I do it with four of my buddies And it's great, man We talk about sports And we do some fan interaction shit Like, whatever And, yeah, it's called Veterans Minimum It's on SoundCloud and iTunes So if you just looked that up

Veterans Minimum podcast They all start off with me screaming So, I just should give you an idea Of how those shows go Also, I'm on a podcast Called Invasion of Privacy With Kate Wolf, female comedian It's an interesting dynamic there

So, also check that out I always retweet them onto the SoundCloud timeline So people can get introduced to those But they have been going up in views So I guess people are liking them So go check those shits out, man And new videos coming out tomorrow I have an idea of what it is

And it should be funny I'm still kind of working on the concept But it should be funny So, you know Look out for that shit And, as always, thanks for listening Ya, madavacas