The Bechdel Cast - Pirates of the Caribbean with Ashley Brooke Roberts

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

Someone take Orlando Bloom's SAG card away! Caitlin and Jamie hit the high seas to fulfill their childhood dreams of becoming violent skeletons with fearless captain and guest Ashley Brooke Roberts!(This episode contains spoilers)Follow @AshleyBRoberts on Twitter! While you're there, you should also follow @BechdelCast, @caitlindurante and @hamburgerphone Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th 2017 was assassinated. Crooks Everywhere unearthed the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. That's right, the only, Katherine Hahn is joining us on Las Culturistas. That's right, the queen of comedy herself. Get ready for a conversation that's as hilarious as it is insightful. Tune in for all the laughs, the stories,

and of course, the culture. Don't miss Katherine Hahn on Las Culturistas. Listen to Las Culturistas on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Gianna Pradenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts.

There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Are all their discussions just boyfriends and husbands or do they have individualism?

The patriarchy's effing vast Start changing it with the Bechdel cast Hi, welcome to the Bechdel cast. My name is Jamie. My name's Caitlin. And this is the Bechdel cast. It's our podcast where we talk about the role of women in movies. Oh my god, that was so fast and good. Thank you so much. Oh, yeah. It's inspired by the Bechdel test. Do you know what it is?

I know. Say it. I want to see it. Do you know what it is? I know. Say it. I want to see it. Now you complimented me on something and now I just like want it to shine. You're soaring. And I don't want to let you down. Okay. So the Bechdel test is a test for movies where there need to be at least two female characters talking to each other about something other than a man, preferably they have names. That's the Bechdeldel test most movies do not pass it or just barely pass it just barely just barely but we're talking about all kinds of movies here good ones bad ones ones pass tests ones don't we don't discriminate even when we should yeah oh so you just said right before the cast started you said no more cobwebs which reminds me of my new favorite bit to do because I've started to use.

I'm just going into this showering renaissance where I've started to use baby shampoo again. And it's great because it says no more tears on it. Yeah. And so sometimes I'll just like look at it and be like, it's right. No more tears. Also me saying no more cobwebs reminded you of no more tears. Of how I don't have any more tears in my life. What if the cure to depression and sadness was just baby shampoo?

Johnson & Johnson shampoo. Yeah. Which brings us to our sponsor. No more tears. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Mike's Hard Lemonade. You're drinking one again. It's been a while.

It's been a while. It's been a while since we've recorded. We had a... We were away. Yeah, we were away and now we were at the Women in Comedy Festival. We sure were. It was fun. Should we introduce our guest? Hey, we sure should.

Our guest today is a comedian. She writes for National Geographic Explorer, and she hosts the Fresh Out show at UCB East in New York City. Pew, pew, pew, pew. Ashley Brooke Roberts. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Thank you for coming. Oh my God. Thank you for having me. We're excited to have you. I'm pretty pumped. Yeah.

This is going to be a fun one. Yeah. I can feel it. Go to my bones. We're talking about Pirates of the Caribbean. The Curse of the Black Pearl. It's so good. The score. The score is good the movie the outfits well

it's a good balance of things i love and things i love to hate yeah that's pirates of the caribbean for me uh-huh i discovered a whole new thing i hated by watching pirates of the caribbean this time but like a fun one what is it it? Orlando Bloom. Oh, yeah. And his work. I hate him. He's so bad. He did a good impersonation of Johnny Depp, though, when he was like,

I mean, why is he all like, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, you can be funny. I was like, you had your moment in this three-hour movie when you're on screen for a full hour.

Man, he stinks. I could beat him up. Yeah. And you should. A giant dick. See, I could fix him. How do you know? I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to say stinks. I could beat him up. Yeah. And you should. A giant dick. See, I could fix him. How do you know? I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to say that.

No, that's fine. I've just seen, you know, uncensored pictures on the internet when he has been naked with Katy Perry, which is definitely ethically wrong. Why has he been naked with Katy Perry? They go to nude beaches a lot and people take pictures of them. They're not anymore, but they dated for like a good two years. Ooh, one of my favorite phrases. This is a hogs out kind of beach yeah hogs out hogs out that's a fun thing to yell in a sexual context you know you reach a certain point you're like okay hogs out

that's how i do floor play did i say floor play i do floor play and foreplay. So, Ashley, when did you first see this movie? Today. What? Yeah. Well, OK. So when you emailed me about it, I was like, this is very this is coming into my life in a big way. Because in October, I was stuck on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride for like a good 15 minutes.

And then I just went to New Orleans, which is a pirate town and is what the ride is based off of and then i was like i can't wait to see this movie and so i watched it this morning i wanted it to be very fresh you know so yeah yeah being stuck in the pirates of the caribbean i think that that would be fun but was it it was great yeah which part of it i've been on that ride a lot um when the um the the women are being sold as. So like the big cavernous room? That's the best part and the loudest. Yeah. And there's the women who are just like being sold as wenches, I think is what they're called.

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of sales of women. And they carried it on. They're like, you know what? We got to sell the women in the movie, too. Well, women are a commodity. We exist to be bought and sold. Yep.

She is called Treasure in the movie as well. Yes. I wrote that down. I saw this movie for the first time in the theater in 2003. How many times did I see it in the theater? Well, about four. Wow. And then I bought it on DVD and I watched it a good 20 times after that.

I was obsessed with this movie for a while. Not so much anymore. That's interesting because I listened to your episode about the Titanic and you were obsessed with that, too. So you have something with boats and water. Yes. And like a class division where a woman's in love with a poor man and they can't be together. Right. It's like we noticed so many Titanic parallels because we watched this aristotle was there and everything

we watched it together aristotle aristotle watched it with us we've never been more excited we weren't sure he's gonna come but then he did there are a bunch of titanic parallels namely that like a poor guy named jack saves a woman on or near a boat, then gets sort of arrested because of it because they thought like something unsavory was happening. It is like a weird. I know that there's no way that they were thinking of that scene from Titanic, but it felt like it because it was like the same scene, except that Jack and Elizabeth weren't in love. And it was like her chode wig wearing not boyfriend who was like unhand her. Which I love that phrase. Another parallel.

A lot of eyeshadow being worn by both Billy Zane and eyeliner being worn. True. God, they both wear it so well. Billy Zane, what was the story with the eyeliner? Did he insist? Did they insist? I could see it going either way.

Yeah, we'll never know. Miss him. Rest in paradise. Just kidding. He's alive. When did you see the movie for the first time, Jamie? I think I saw it when it came out. Yeah.

Yeah, I vaguely remember seeing it at a drive-in movie i think in maine and yeah it came out in 2003 yeah yeah i think i saw it with my cousins and i i liked it i think i was pushed into liking it more by my mom being extremely horny for johnny depp so she had we had a lot of stuff around the house and so it's like oh, oh, I guess I like this movie. And then by Hot Topic, because they carried all the Pirates of the Caribbean stuff and I wanted to hang out with the Goths really bad. And so I tried to assimilate, even though I don't think I was crazy about the movie. But there were a lot of external reasons that I pretended to be very into it. Sure. Yeah.

I did own one of those Hot Topic Pirates shirts. Really? Yes. I was thinking I had the beanie and then I had the booty shorts back when there were booty shorts with words on the butt. It was like Pirates booty.

Oh, nice. I was like 12 years old. It was very cool. Very cool to be wearing. Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed about how much I like that. Like I was quoting most of the lines of dialogue as we

were watching it together. Really? It's a little embarrassing. She recited the top 20 minutes. It was amazing. Well, it's one of those movies where I saw it in the theater and I'm like, oh my god, there's guns and action and fighting and boats and all this cool stuff. And

Johnny Depp is so hot and I really latched onto it. Also, it was the time where I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Oh, great crossover. So I was very into Orlando Bloom. The Bloom connection.

The Bloom connection. As Legolas, he is a lot sexier. Yes. Yes. Because he looks less like Orlando Bloom. Yeah, and more like a magical creature. Right. Yeah, so I was...

He's not good. He's a terrible actor. He sucks. I'm a bad actor, and I can do a better job than him. We... Oh, God. I wish you had Orlando Bloom's part in this movie. That would have been amazing.

Oh, we'll turn it. Oh, wait, that's the younger version of it. You could play both of them. I could play both. Doesn't matter. The movie... I'll just do the recap. Do the recap.

First of all, young Elizabeth is very horny for pirates. She's like, I love pirates. Let's go to the Caribbean where there's pirates. That's how I felt about vampires when I was that age. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and she just has access to pirates. If I had access to vampires when I was at that age, I would have joined. Sure, yeah.

So she's like, I love pirates. They're cool. She meets a young Will, and then she sees this scary boat. It's maybe a pirate boat. We don't know. Years pass. Will Turner's now a blacksmith. Johnny Depp comes to town, trying to

commandeer some ships. He gets caught, and then there's a fight between him and Will Turner. Oh, by the way, Will Turner is very horny for Elizabeth Swann. It's a horny movie. It's a very horny movie. One of our favorite phrases came up during it. We were talking about how perhaps this movie has quite a bit of horny depth.

Yes. Horny depth. Yeah. You may remember from the Gigli episode that we discussed the movies. I'm sure there's so much crossover between the Gigli episode and this episode. Oh, yeah. People are very horny in this movie. 2003.

It's a horny movie. Both 2003. Oh, that was a horny year. They are trying to capture Captain Jack Sparrow, and he's like, I'm the best pirate around. And they're like, no, you're not. You're the worst pirate. And then he does some stuff to prove that he is indeed the best pirate around. Some pirates come. Other pirates, led by Captain Barbossa, because Elizabeth has this pirate medallion that she stole from Will Turner.

It rests just so upon her bosom. It falls so that we may have, as the audience, many shots of Keira Knightley's titties. But also we're looking at Chekhov's gun, but we're looking at titties. Very tasteful. The pirates come searching for this pirate medallion because she falls in the water, and you know whenever a pirate medallion falls in the water, it sends out this

message to all the pirates to come and get it. It was like a boom. Yeah, it was a weird shockwave thing. Another Titanic connection, though. Jewelry in the water. Right. There it is again. There it is.

So the pirates come and Captain Barbossa is like, give us that trinket. And she's like, no. And then they capture her because there's this whole curse where they think they need her blood to lift the curse because they stole all these coins from this treasure chest. Just like Titanic. Exactly. Again, the treasure, the blood. They need her blood to lift the curse. So they take her and then

Will's like, wait, that's my girlfriend who I want to fuck. So he goes after her. He gets captured. He's like, come on, we got a mission. So they go after her. And then a lot of nonsense happens it's a very complicated story much more complicated than it needs to be because most of the second act i couldn't make heads or tails like you just you're just like oh this is happening now like the point where it's like oh skeletons i guess skeletons and then and you know the skeleton part plays out and then

the skeleton part's over. And you're like, well, okay, that was nice. That looked expensive. It's about 40 minutes too long. It's extremely long. It's a two hour and 23 minute movie. Yeah. We watched it one and three quarters times too because we pretended. Fun fact. We pretended we weren't

almost done with the movie when Aristotle texted us back. We're like, we just started. Because we wanted to hang. Right. Anyways. They're trying to get this medallion. They get it. They lose it again.

They exchange hands a bunch of different times. We don't really know whose side Jack Sparrow's on. Sometimes he's like bartering with the bad pirates. Sometimes he's bartering with the good British guys. Who knows? And then finally they were able to like get the right person's blood. Turns out it's Will Turner's blood because his dad was a pirate, even though he does not want that to be true.

But he accepts his fate and his destiny. And then they... If you can call what Orlando Bloom does with his face and body. The dialogue is delivered. Right. So they restore the fucking coin to the thing. And then everyone's good. And then the curse is lifted and the pirates, some of them die.

And then there's like 20 more minutes of the movie. But that's fine. So long. Longer than Gigli. So long. And Gigli is the world's longest movie. So this was like, this came out in 2003, so like AOL chat boards are at their peak around this time. And so I was like 10 or 11, and I would troll around on the chat boards and ask people to join bands with me and tell them I was a 17-year-old boy.

Whatever. Anyways, one time met someone on one of the chat boards. And we started to IM about starting a band together. And then somewhere else, I found a GIF of Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom kissing on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean. Accidentally hyperlinked it into the conversation with the stranger, and then he blocked me. Which is like the... Well, that, I mean, is the better way for that to go.

Wait, was it a real photo of them kissing, or was it photoshopped? I can't tell. I assumed it was photoshopped at the time. I'm looking for the gif now, but I'm just turning up a lot of fan art. Yeah. We don't know. We don't. Also, I don't find Orlando Bloom to be a sexual being. I used to, but no. Even if he has a huge hog.

I'm not attracted to either one of them. I get Johnny Depp. I don't know. I get young Johnny Depp, but like, yeah. Well, he also had all those horrible things where, you know, he... Yes, we should say that. His personal life has made him incredibly unattractive. Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're all turned off of him

for good, with good reason. Did you see that thing recently where his management company is countersuing him and part of the lawsuit is that he spent all of this money on a sound engineer who feeds him lines through an earpiece so he doesn't memorize lines. He just, when he's shooting, he gets his lines in an earpiece and says them.

So I was like watching him on this movie being like, can I tell? I couldn't tell. But yeah. So that just came out. That's some hot Johnny Goss. Wow. The latest on Johnny. He sucks even more than we already knew he sucked.

Jeez, that sucks. Yeah. Grow up. There was a period of like five years where I was very into Johnny Depp and I watched all of his movies and I was like, oh my God, Ed Wood. What a great movie. Don Juan DeMarco. Yeah.

Edward Scissorhands. Edward Scissorhands. All kinds of stuff. Love Edward Scissorhands. Benny and June. Oh, Benny and June is so great. Benny and June is very good. Where is?

Chuckalot. Chuckalot. Alfred Molina. Alfred Molina. Shout out to so great. Very good. Yeah. Chocolat. Chocolat. Alfred Molina. Alfred Molina. Shout out to my boy. All right. Well, let's jump in. Let's talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. First thing I noticed, actually, oh, this is something Aristotle pointed out to us. So thank you for your contributions. It didn't really occur to me until he mentioned it. But in the opening scene where you see a young Elizabeth, she is maybe 11 or 12. Something like that, yeah. And you see Captain Norrington, her future betrothed.

Wigs. Wigs, wigs, wigs. Well, they're wearing wigs, but he's also, like, presumably 25 years old. Ooh. So, like, he's much older. It's kind of gross. I didn't realize that. I mean, for the era

like yeah 40 year old men would marry like 15 year old girls yeah historically accurate right which man imagine having to put yourself in that mindset like let's hope this one grows up hot and i'll just hang out like i don't get it but But anyways. Oh, I thought you were talking about from the girl's point of view. Like, I hope he dies soon. Oh, no. From the girl's point of view, let's hope he dies before I'm of age. So I don't need to marry this wig. Gross.

Such wig culture in this movie. So many wigs. So that was kind of like a... thing. Yes. Good point, Aristotle. Yes. Thank you. In spite of the fact that he is a man, we overcame that shortcoming to deliver a great point.

Another great point, if I do say so myself, is that because this is a Disney movie, Elizabeth Swann has a dead mommy. True. We don't ever meet her mommy. In fact, we meet like three female characters all together. There's Elizabeth Swann. There's Anna Maria, played by Zoe Saldana. She's like the lady pirate, the one lady pirate. The whores. There's a couple of prostitutes we meet who slap Johnny Depp across the face.

One of them is named Giselle. It almost reminds me of like the three girls in Beauty and the Beast. Just like these are all basically the same character. They're not going to flesh them out at all. And they're all just horny and mad. And that's all you're given. Right. Yeah. I mean, they each get like one or two words of dialogue. They get a little slap. Yeah, that's pretty much I mean, and there's a couple maids and the maids. Yeah. And one of them has a few lines and that's pretty much it. So most of the characters are men. We have Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Commodore Norrington, Elizabeth's dad, who I don't know his name.

I just call him Swan Daddy. The governor. Yeah, governor. The governor. Governor. Governor Weatherby Swan. Weatherby. Ooh, good. Yeah. Cool it. We get it. Govna. Govna Weatherby Swan. Weatherby. Ooh, good.

Yeah. Cool it. We get it. They're British. Then there's Gibbs, who is like not a pirate and then also sometimes a pirate. There's the two like Navy guys who provide a lot of the comic relief. And then there's like a pirate duo who have more comic relief. And there's a dog.

That's my new rule for this week. The cute dog rule. There's always a scene in these blockbuster movies where there's a dog that's my new rule for this week the cute dog rule there's always a scene in these blockbuster movies where there's a cute dog in this one it's when the you know johnny depp's trying to get the dog to give him the keys and the dog's like no and you're like oh that's a cute dog that's from the ride yeah it is yeah oh yeah that's from the right there's a lot of like little scenes where i was like oh that's part of the ride. That's another thing that I wanted to talk about was this. It has nothing to do with what

the podcast is about. However, this was one of the movies in like a string of Disney movies where they were like, let's adapt our roller coasters into rides. Like all the rides that are kind of old and no one wants to go. And Pirates of the Caribbean is like the only one that really worked out. But the Haunted

Mansion was turned into a movie with Eddie Murphy that was not a good one the Country Bears was turned into a horrifying movie that I highly recommend watching and that movie didn't even save the ride the ride is gone now because it was also a very scary ride but like in the early 2000s for whatever reason there was some sort of production initiative to be like, let's turn our old like Disneyland roller coasters that have no ground in an existing property and let's turn it into an existing property and see how it goes. I just want to see that pitch meeting where they're like, it'll be cheaper to make a huge blockbuster high budget Hollywood movie than it will be to change the ride. So let's save the ride by doing yeah well I kind of I like that they did that because you know Universal does the opposite they change the ride to fit the movie and then it's

not the mummy right anymore now it's the Fast and the Furious ride and I liked the mummy ride got there's no mummy ride at least in LA they're gonna change it though they're changing it to that's supposed to turn into the Fast and the Furious ride. Trust me. I know roller coaster reasons. Sorry to ever doubt you. Anyways, this is the only franchise that thrived in what I hope they called the roller coaster initiative. But, yeah.

Yeah, there are a ton of things that were pulled from the ride. The dog. I mean, most of the Tortuga scenes, it seems like that's just the ride. I've never ridden the ride, so I don't know anything about it. Gotta ride the ride. Gotta ride the ride. You gotta ride the ride. You gotta ride it more than once.

You gotta ride it. Yeah, that's good. I do just love the idea that an entire feature-length film was adapted from a theme park ride. And pretty much everything from the ride is in there. Yeah. It's exciting. And then they added Johnny Depp to the ride. And pretty much everything from the ride is in there. Yeah. It's exciting. And then they added Johnny Depp to the ride. Which is weird. It is weird. It's very strange.

Because it's one of those newer animatronics that you're like, ugh, too real. Yeah. The other ones are so old and clearly from the 60s. And then there's a very real version of Johnny Depp. It's scary. There's also another in Florida of johnny depp it's scary there's also another in in florida i don't think it's in california yet there's a they made a snow white and the

seven dwarfs ride with like very new cgi animatronics and it's the scariest thing i've ever seen in my life i was just on it it's really freaky it's a really yeah because it's a 3d face but it's like they make the face and then they project a digital image on top of it. It's not okay. It's very odd looking. It's not okay. Anyway, this is a who knows. So we're looking at a predominantly male driven story because while there is like one main woman in the movie, like the rest of the characters are men.

One of the first lines of dialogue that's said in the movie is, it's bad luck to have a woman on board, even a miniature one. So right away we get a great idea of, you know, how this movie is going to treat women. I mean, it's like an exercise in tokenism, like, pretty much throughout. And it's sort of, I feel like, pulled from more superhero action movie tropes of, like, ah, the woman is going to be dragged along and she doesn't know what's going on. And, like, what is this brave new world? And then she'll get to do one cool thing. She'll, like, have her moment.

And she's like, I'm in charge now. But she's not really. And then she kisses someone at the end end of movie yep it just oh god i hate it yeah that is pretty much the trajectory of the story um can i interject with something that i enjoyed about the movie i thought that this was really interesting which is that they use the costuming in the beginning with her in the corset where she's like i can't move to like really illustrate her oppression you know in, in the situation that she's in. And then by the end of the movie, she's wearing pants. So she got put in like, she can move now because, you know, whatever sexy on

a woman makes her not be able to move. And so by the end, she was like, I can move and I'm my own woman. So I thought that I liked the way they did that with the clothing. Yeah. I didn't think of that. I didn't think that the treatment of elizabeth swan which okay first of all let me just talk about the last name swan for female characters it keeps happening so we've got bella swan we've got there's a character from once upon a time that show on tv is that is it sexist is it lazy I say probably both. Well, it's just like, how will the audience know that this is an attractive and desirable woman unless we give her a name that resembles a sexy bird? Which, Swan's are the sexiest birds. They are.

Caitlyn's sex pigeon. Oh, man, what a good name name that's my stripper name another another thing that uh that i mean maybe and this is this is overthinking a little bit but uh elizabeth swan she's always very into pirates cool that's her weird hobby she knows a lot about pirates but by the end she is fighting to on the side of people who we are to believe pillage and rape and she's like this is good and she's trying to stop the people who are like you know oppressive and bad in their own way but are also saying hey maybe don't pillage and rape so why like hmm it's it's an interesting dynamic so she's not an especially well-developed character she's you see her in different moments like being pretty

resourceful. Earlier on in the movie, when the bad pirates come to collect the medallion that she has, they go after her and she hits them with the bed warmer slash, I'm pretty sure it's a waffle iron. She opens it up and the hot coals go down. And then she runs into another room and she sees like swords above the mantle and so she tries to grab one out and she realizes it's just like a decorative thing and then whenever they do catch her she invokes the rite of parley so she's like i know all about pirates i my obsession with pirates is going to actually serve me in this

instance and that's what allows her to be like taken on to the ship and then she gets captured but she's a bit she's like resourceful and she can kind of hold her own in certain scenes but then there's a bunch of other scenes where she faints and then falls into the water and has to be saved and then her dress gets taken off and then she has to be saved again when they're on the isla de muerta and they're about to like cut her up and spill her blood everywhere. Let's play a game. I'm going to say a thing

and then you guess how many times this happens in the movie. Okay. All right. So the number of times that Elizabeth Swann's dress has to be removed. I'm going to say three times.

I'll go four. Oh, it's only two. Oh, man. But the fact that it happens in all is like, oh. One, whenever Giant Up takes it off underwater and then whenever Captain Barbossa he gives her a dress to be like wear this and dine with me

or dine with the crew and be naked and it's like oh okay and then as he's like sending her off what should I do? can I do both? so as he's like sending her off the plank to maroon her on an island, he is like, give me that dress back. So she has to take off her dress. Right.

So that happens twice. So the number of times where she has to be saved by a man. Six. I'm going to say three. It's only two. Really? At least that I caught me i mean i started she's doing better than i thought i might have missed some like i started tallying

this kind of like halfway through the movie so i might have there might be things where i missed okay um but yeah it's the time when um captain sparrow has to save her when she falls into the water because women be fainting right you know but was the second time was a fake faint right the second time was a fake thing but she doesn't get saved then that was like her that was her resourcefulness yeah i'm gonna this is all the power i have this is literally all i can do you will believe that i faint because women and that what it buys her like a split second of time. I don't know why that happens exactly.

It's very stupid. No, but the second time is when she is in the cave on the Isla de Muerta and Will Turner like swims up and has to rescue her. Right, before her blood spills. Right. Okay, number of times she is held captive by a group of men on a boat.

Let's say two. I'm going to say four. It's two. Oh, wow. First, whenever the bad pirates led by Barbossa capture her and lock her in the cabin. And then again, much later in the movie, whenever Norrington, her potential fiance, is like, go in the cabin. You're not allowed to be a part of this adventure. She escapes then, which is kind of cool.

She ties some flags together and she's like, I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Love it. She escapes. Actually then saves the other group of pirates. But these ones are the good pirates. These are the ones that like Cotton, who has the parrot. I love that parrot. And Maria. It's a good parrot. And there's the monkey and the monkey the monkey and the dog lots of fun animal

companions love it so she actually saves them because they are in like the little jail cells in the bottom of the boat so she rescues them so that was like i guess a cool thing to see but let's move on to the number of times that she is struck across the face oh my god oh i'm gonna say three for that one i'm gonna say two i only counted two jeez what is it two i don't know i love it they forgot about the rule of threes in storytelling now it's the rule of twos not the it's the rule of twos, baby. Once, whenever she first boards the Black Pearl, and I think the first mate or some guy slaps her across the face. And then he's like, you'll speak when spoken to. And she's like, I learned my lesson.

Right. As one does. And then Barbossa hits her across the face after he discovers that Will Turner Sr. is not her father. So he's like, you tricked me. And then he slaps her across the face. And then she tumbles down a hill. And finally, the number of times a gun is pointed at her. Oh, my goodness.

Three. Four. It's three. Wow. Again, that I counted. We could have missed some. One of them is when she and Sparrow are marooned on the island and he's like for a split second contemplates murdering her. Yeah.

So he like pulls out the gun and like points it at her head. There's one where Anna Maria is like, these pirates are after us. We got to give her up and then they won't be after us anymore. Sound thinking. So she points a gun at her head. Oh, crap. I forget what the third one is. Is it in the beginning when Johnny Depp has taken her hostage because he's trying to leave?

Yeah. Like in the first 15 minutes. So, yeah, he rescues her and then immediately uses her as like leverage. That word keeps coming up in this movie. Will you say it again that way wait there wasn't spit in it the first time what are you talking about sorry i'm triggered so a lot of things happen to elizabeth swan that aren't ideal to be fair a lot of guns are pointed at a lot of the male

characters. A lot of them are punched. Like, a lot, there's a lot, it's an action movie, there's a lot of violence. But it is just a little upsetting to see so much violence drafted at her. I think if we're saying, you know, the amount of times a gun is pointed at

you in, like, a big moment versus the amount of times you get to point a gun in a big moment. Right. She's kind of, I mean, she does get to have her moments, but it's not. She was actually pretty good at fighting. She was. Like at the end there, she handled a sword. Almost to the point where I was like, where'd you learn how to do that?

Yeah, totally. Who taught you? Yeah. Maybe she went to boarding school and took fencing as an elective it's very british and then she has that big moment at the end where someone mentions pain one of the bad pirates is like oh you'll know the meaning of pain and then she goes you like you like pain try wearing a corset and then that hits him with the thing uh that that was that one didn't hit for me no and i'm saying it's like you so girl exactly it's like that's the kind of like feminist line that your dad could

write right i was just gonna you want to know about pain right i bet like the writers of the movie were like oh let's have her say this and then they were jerking off jerking off and patting themselves on the back it all comes back. It all comes full circle. It all comes full circle, guys. It works for women and it works from a narrative standpoint. And then they come. And then they come. In the

center. Like, they're all upwards trajectory and then it goes pew! And everyone gets splashed. This is my fantasy. I love it. The point I'm trying to make is that, like, there's a lot of violence directed at her. She has some agency at some points in the story. But a lot of the time she's having to be saved. She's kind of being dragged around, used as bait.

She's a bit of an ingenue in the way that a lot of, I mean, I don't know. And there's, again, there's like a pretty, there's always a missed opportunity for like, let's just give her another substantial female character to talk to. Because it's not even like her character and the way she's treated have a lot of problems. But the thing always is, it's just like, there's no one for her to talk to who isn't a man in this story. Shockingly few women. Shockingly. Yeah. She and Zoe Saldana could have a very sexy conversation about anything, you know. But there's no narrative investment in making that happen.

And no narrative investment in making Zoe Saldana's character important enough to make her worth talking to right yeah there is a moment where i'm like okay i guess that's cool where i think she's like the first mate so that whenever sparrow they think he's been killed i think she becomes the captain of the black i think you're right yeah so like hey a woman in a leadership role that That's cool. But again, like, we know almost nothing about her character. There's a lot to be said for high-functioning alcoholics in this movie, too. Man, Jack Sparrow, he's the high-functioning alcoholic. It's almost presented to us as like, why would anyone ask Jack Sparrow why he's good at his job? He's Jack Sparrow.

And it's like, well, he's never not drunk. But he's good at his job. He's Jack Sparrow. And it's like, well, he's never not drunk, but he is good at his job, which is like, oh, let's just all be alcoholics. We're probably all like that. That's my philosophy anyways. The drunkest man is in charge. The drunkest man is in charge. Yeah. Oh, I thought of another thing that you can look out for in a movie where when a male character is complimenting a female character, does he compliment her about anything besides horror appearance? Horror appearance?

I'm having a really hard time saying words today. I don't know what it is. Floorplay. Floorplay with horror appearance. You've got to have your horror appearance on point before you can engage in foreplay.

What I meant to say is does he compliment a woman on anything besides her appearance? I overcompensated that time. As far as I could tell in this movie,

whenever Norrington is trying to propose to elizabeth swan he's like you're a beautiful woman you've turned into a fine woman you're so hot marry me yes but then it's sorry to bring him back to titanic but norrington is the cal hockley of pirates of the Caribbean. And so we're not supposed to like that he's saying. It's not like a normalized thing of like, oh, this is how you talk to

her. We're like, oh, he's a bad guy. He doesn't know anything about her. And then, not that Will Turner's virtually even a character. Who knows? What is there to love about him? What do we know about him? He's a blacksmith. He's a good one he wears suede he's good at it the sword balances perfectly and i just it's so i can't bridge the idea of like imagine orlando bloom accomplishing a task like i can't there's no way he's good at anything. God, have you seen Elizabethtown?

No. God! It's bad. Yeah, I skipped that one. Okay, I'm going to his IMDb page. Carry on. Okay. Something I thought was interesting is the beginning, so she's like so into pirates, and so I sort of, I might have given her character more than it is warranted, but I was

like, oh, she has like a thirst for adventure, and like she wants to go on an adventure and she wants to live this full life. And then she does get to go on an adventure, which I thought was pretty cool, even though she is completely submissive to the adventure. It's not through her own agency that she's really on this adventure.

She's sort of taken along. But it was a nice, something happened to this poor, rich child, where it seemed like she would have just lived a life of seclusion otherwise. Right. That's true. There's a lot of points in the movie where she could like opt out, but she wants to be

there. She wants to be on the journey, even if she constantly has to take her clothes off. Yeah. And I was just in New Orleans and like the whole time I was there. So like the gender ratio in New York, there's just more women than men, which is great. I love it. Give me all that female energy. And then I went to New Orleans and I was like, something is wrong.

And I realized it was because there's just so many men in New Orleans because it's like very much a pirate town. And so watching this, I was thinking about like that feeling of just too much testosterone, you know. You're hard pressed to find a woman in this mood. Yeah. It's extremely hard. And I guess, you know, we're to assume there are other women around, but we don't see them in anything but submissive roles

with the exception of Anna Maria because we see prostitutes and we see maids. And those are the two categories of women. Yeah, and the thing I remember the most about Anna Maria because it's we see prostitutes and we see maids and those are the two categories of women yeah and the thing I remember the most about Anna Maria is that she got fucked over by Jack Sparrow exactly and so she's like bitter you know and also a victim true yeah true yeah I want to see an entire movie about her I think that would be a much more interesting story and now it's always Saldana she's got that billing power yeah think that would be a much more interesting story. I would love that. And now Zoe Saldana, she's got that billing power. Yeah.

That would be amazing. That's a great idea. You should sell it to Disney. I'm like, hey, Disney, I had this original character that I thought of all by myself. Yeah, the problem with Elizabeth is that she's there, and then she does kind of do stuff sometimes.

Like, she does save herself by escaping from the boat. She does help the other good pirates escape. She's not a bad character. Like, she's a—but there's just no one for her. She gives her hand in marriage so that the guy will go rescue her lover. She falsely gives her hand in marriage. Yeah, which is, again, a part of, like, of like her resourcefulness i suppose where she's just like i'll lie to him and make him think that i love him if it means saving this other man who everyone is horny for everyone it's all three of

the main horny depth horny depth it's horny depth uh the horny depth i. The horny Depp. I'm sorry. But yeah, Sparrow, Will Turner, and Norrington all want to fuck Elizabeth real hard. She's the only woman in the movie. Who are they going to fuck? Exactly. Because like between, I mean, there's one woman pirate. There are no women in the military. There's no moms. There's no moms.

There's no MILFs. Yeah. Where are the MILFs? There's some prostitutes on Tortuga. A lot of stuff could be diffused by adding some MILFs into the mix. That's true of any movie, honestly. That's true. Give me more MILFs. More MILFs.

Citizen Kane, where are the MILFs? Yeah. Elizabeth isn't the one ever really driving the story. If her actions influence the direction that the story takes, it's only for a very brief moment. And it doesn't happen that often. So it's all these male characters who are driving the narrative the entire time. And it's just like, we're over it. Let a lady do something. God damn it.

Yeah. You're between a rock and a hard place for this one because you want there to be women doing more things. But there's not enough women to get much done. What was that movie that just, Mad Max, Fury Road, you go into, you find the pirate women, right? At the end, the women of the they could have had a ship of pirate women.

I liked those women. They were the only part of the movie I liked. We did an episode about it. Oh, really? Because there were the pirate women and then there were the Victoria's Secret Yeah, the hot the hot mommy yeah god boy i'm i'm like flashing back to arguing about that movie yeah i'm sorry that you're triggered i'm fine good yeah why aren't there a ship of lady pirates i'm sure that would have been a killer scene yeah i meant to research this i think there there was a famous female pirate

who was like, let's see her. Let's make a movie about her. I believe it immediately. Without reservation. I'm not even going to Google it. If Mata Hari existed... Sorry for bringing up Mata Hari. I feel like I really brought down the line.

I just don't know if I know who that is. I didn't either. She's a famous female spy. Oh. She's great. Yeah. What era? Rita Matahari, I believe World War I.

Oh, cool. Yeah, she's cool. Okay, Wikipedia page, women in piracy. We're prepared. We're prepared. Okay. Oh, another thing that happens that I was like, oh, that's cool for Elizabeth to do is she tricks Jack into getting drunk so that he can like pass out. And then she burns all the rum on the island to create a signal for the Navy to find.

And she fakes being way drunker than she actually is. Like she does a lot of cool stuff. Yeah. She's smart because, you know, if her and Keira Knightley was like 17 when she shot this movie. What? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? But it's like for her age, you know, I don't know if I would have thought of that shit if I was 16 and also completely sheltered.

And so the character, I mean, she's not always treated well. She is submissive in ways that, you know, you wish she kicked people's ass when she didn't. But she's smart. Yeah. She's capable. And that is never called into question by the movie. It's called into question by certain characters. But the movie never seems to doubt, you know, this is a capable person who can accomplish stuff.

Again, this movie for me is just like a failure of giving her her any like giving us any other female characters to like really connect with because we don't have time with anyone yeah i mean as someone who is also very horny for pirates i do like to see on screen all the pirates they keep talking about the pirate code oh yeah and i'm like is that like bro code but instead of like bros before hoes, I was imagining that their phrase would be booty before booty. But it's like pirate booty before lady butts before. And yeah, yours is good. I liked it. Thank you.

Well, that made me think for some reason of Jack is very good at being a pirate. Norton is very good at being a military man. Will Turner is very good at being a swordsmith man. Elizabeth is not allowed to have a career right but she's very good at being pretty and very good at being wanted and very good at showing her cleavage her clothes are so precariously close to not being on her like how close her clothes get to her nips yeah is wild i kept waiting for a nip i was waiting for a nip but apparently she was underage so you, we really couldn't be showing those nips. Oh, yeah. Yeah. For sure. She knows a lot about pirates.

You can assume that she read a bunch about like pirate lore because she recited the whole thing. She's like, I invoke the right of parley. According to the code of the brethren of the laid down by the pirates, Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to take me to your captain. And then she's like, keep citing all this stuff. And I'm like wow you read about pirates that's cool she knows as much about pirates as i know about hayley joel osment i think if there was a point where i could invoke a fact about hayley joel osment i would be ready i'd be safe oh yeah can i take you up on that right now yeah hayley joel osment was discovered

in an ikea when he was three years old, and he was put into a Pizza Hut commercial, and later rose to prominence in his first role as Forrest Gump, where he learned how to tie his shoes on the set. Wow. Take me to your leader. There's one thing I was thinking about, which is in the beginning when they're talking to Jack Sparrow, he's talking to the two dunces. They're like, are you a pirate? He rattles off a bunch of things that pirates do.

And he says rape, which I thought was interesting for like a kid's movie. Does he? Because they kind of whitewashed rape, but he says the actual word rape. I thought it was raid. He might have said rape, though. I don't know.

I think he said rape. I think he's like plunder. Yeah, he's like, all right. Oh, don't worry. I know the line. He's like, all right, I confess. Mine. No, he's like, alright, oh don't worry, I know the line. Alright, I confess. No, commit. Commit.

I'm not going to get it totally right. I love this dance you just took to deliver that line. You like threw your shoulder back. He's like, alright, I confess. My intention is to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise, and then he like trails off and says some other stuff. I'm looking up the script right now. Oh, good.

So maybe this was, I mean, maybe this is an earlier draft. I confess, I intend to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, and go on the account and do a little honest pirating. Oh, yeah, that's not what he says. That's not what happens. So, yeah, he may say— Maybe he improvised the word rape, which, knowing Johnny Depp's later history, may have just been at the top of his head. Right. We don't know.

I think, now that you say that, that makes a lot more sense, because it struck me as odd that they would allow that to happen. Right, because it doesn't come up anywhere else. It's a Disney movie. I highly doubt they would say rape, but pirates are famous for raping and pillaging, so I assumed

it was raid. I guess we'll never know. We'll never know. There's no way. We'll never see the movie again. Neither will anyone, and this is the last we'll never know. We'll never know. There's no way. We'll never see the movie again. Neither will anyone. And this is the last we'll ever talk about it. I wish she'd said the line with a little honest pirating. It's so much worse.

I wonder where that came from. Yeah, that's bad. Bad dialogue. Yeah. Oh, I made a list of all the words that women are referred to throughout the movie. Oh, that's fun. So rather than calling them women, they are called strumpet, which is a whore or a prostitute.

Oh. They're called poppet. I remember that, yeah. Yes. Which means like little girl, doll, darling. You know what's terrible is when I was younger, I assumed the word poppet just because of how it's invoked in that movie.

Just that like idiot. Like I think that my like cousins and I would call each other poppets after seeing that movie just to call each other like dumbasses. Well, he uses it very condescendingly. So yeah, it's not surprising. Yeah. I just didn't know it was specific to a woman. But yes, it is. I thought it was a pastry just like I thought strumpet was.

Oh, yeah. I thought both of those were pastries. i'm like some tea and strumpets yeah i think you're thinking of crumpets but yeah pretty close and throw a puppet on it a splash of puppet she's called a bonnie lass which i suppose in itself isn't offensive but it means like pretty girl. Here's the thing. A lot of times grown women are referred to as girls and it's problematic because one, we don't call grown men boys. We don't say like, oh, that boy over there referring to a man. But people will be like, oh, who's that girl when they're referring to a grown woman? And it just is a way to like diminish a woman's existence straight men love sex babies it's a proof of that especially if they can come right yeah can that baby come also women are

referred to as pleasurable company oh and true that's my stripper name and coming to stage next pleasurable company and then finally as you mentioned before Jack is like not all treasure is silver and gold my

referring to Elizabeth being treasure right a commodity to be owned pussy can be treasure too let's make a t-shirt so yeah that's a fun thing does anyone have any final thoughts about commodity to be owned. Pussy can be treasure, too. Let's make a t-shirt.

So yeah, that's a fun thing. Does anyone have any final thoughts about the movie? I liked it more than I thought I was going to, even though I don't think that she has any agency at all. And it's very disappointing for women. But as far as entertainment, it was fun.

As a movie, solid blockbuster. I like it. It's fun. I wish I still had those booty shorts. Yeah, those sound awesome. Yeah, right? A beanie, probably best lost. Elizabeth Swann doesn't have enough agency or stuff to do but given the way we're introduced to her

and how we're introduced to her, I think she is a good character who has no one to interact with that isn't a horny man. And that, for me, is the tragedy of this movie. With that, let's talk about whether or not the movie passes the Bechdel test. It's a little unclear. The first scene where two women are interacting with each other for sure does not pass because it's elizabeth talking to her maid she does not have a name and i don't think is ever given a name no which is weird because she has i would say almost as much screen time as zoe saldana does right yeah she's in it like quite a bit but we don't know her name

most of the time she's strapping up elizabeth's corset butet. So they have a conversation first about, she's like, what a difficult day for you. And Elizabeth's like, yeah, Commodore proposed. Whoa, I wasn't expecting that. And she's like, no, I meant you being threatened by that pirate. And then she's like, oh yeah, that was hard. She says, she's very,

very horny. Her nips were actively hardening. She's like, I didn't like it one bit. I hated it. I hated it. And then the maid is like, well, that Will Turner, he's a hot guy.

Every line. Every single line. And there's also this male character. They talk about three different men in the course of 20 seconds I think they bring up daddy too it's every male character we've been introduced to is invoked in this

one scene at this point when we watch scenes like that where it's like oh my gosh it's a scene with two women it's like that this is our sports like we're like oh oh we're like placing bets and stuff and then then cut to next scene. We're like, no! Oh my God.

I love that. Then the next scene where the same two characters are talking, the maid's like, the bad pirates, they're here to kidnap you because you're the governor's daughter. And she's like, yeah. Some hot exposition. She's like, go hide and run to the fort. So unclear whether or not that I think you made a really good point, though. They're referring to men coming for her.

And it's well, men are coming for her. Yeah. Men be coming. Men are also in pursuit of her. Right. And we they don't say a masculine term, but we know from context that they're talking about men. So I think you're right. Anyways.

Yeah. Let's say that that does not pass. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're talking about the men coming after them and what they're going to do because the men are coming. In relation to that. Yeah. And then the final scene where.

I know. Well, we got one chance left. Let's see how it goes. Okay. There's one more scene where two women talk to each other, and it's Elizabeth and Anna Maria. Anna Maria's like, the Black Pearl is gaining on us. And Elizabeth's like, but this is the fastest ship in the Caribbean. And Anna Maria's like, you can tell them that after they've caught us.

And then they say a bunch of nautical shit. But you can tell them that after they've caught us. But again, them and they. Yeah. Right. And there's no other female character implied in that term because the only two female characters are speaking to each other. Right. I don't want to give this movie any leeway.

I don't think, I think that this is so... I feel like they're more talking about, I don't know. I don't know why I'm trying to defend it. I feel like they're directly talking about men coming after them and what they're going to do. Yeah, I agree. And when it's this barely of a pass anyways, then we might as well just say it doesn't pass. Like if there's this much discussion into the fact that they discuss, you know. Yeah, it seems like this movie does not pass. Yeah.

There are a number of times where two men are talking to each other about a woman. And they're calling her a strumpet most of the time. But I don't know if that's better or worse. So should we ignore women or should we berate them? Which is better? So, yeah, let's say that it does not pass the Bechdel test. Not entirely surprising, but I was hoping. I mean, some movies have surprises by having a few, like, at least one scene where you're like, okay, cool.

Yeah. They talked about a muffin. They gave us a little piece of gristle to chew on in the audience, but not this one. Yeah. And it's so long. Right. Ooh, yeah. Jeffrey Rush, great, though.

Yeah. Yeah, Jeffrey Rush is great. Yeah. You see his penis in the movie Quills. I know. I used to have an Android phone, and sometimes I'd just whip my phone out and say, okay, Google, Jeffrey Rush's penis.

And then it would come up. Love it. Are we ready to rate the movie? Yes. I'm sorry, did you say rate, raid, or rape? I'm ready to rape the movie. No! We're going to floor rape the movie. No! Yeah. We're going to floor play the movie.

I said raid. Raid. We are ready to raid. We're ready to raid the movie. Well, it was PG-13. Right. The word, I, again, I'm having a really hard time saying certain words today. It's okay.

Whore instead of her. Real bad slip. Really, really, really bad slip. That's a really bad slip. And then I said floor play. It's okay. Sorry, everyone. Stay safe.

So what I'm trying to do is get us to rate the movie on our nipple scale. We have a scale of zero to five nipples where we rate the movie based on its portrayal of women. I'll go first. of zero to five nipples, where we rate the movie based on its portrayal of women. I'll go first. I think this movie gets a two because Elizabeth isn't the worst character. She could be positioned as this damsel in distress who has absolutely no bearing on the story except just having to be saved.

And she does exist primarily as the romantic interest for a number of different characters. But she does take initiative and do stuff sometimes. And she's clearly smart. She has spent a lot of time researching and obsessing over pirates. She gets very horny. I think the only reason she ends up with Will Turner at the end is because she's like, oh, kind of a pirate now okay i'll fuck him yeah yeah that's true he has she changed him she changed him she fixed him she fixed him i would not see there is no one in this movie i wanted to fix and i'm a great fixer you are a great fixer i love a good fixer upper love a good project no one in this movie yeah did I want to fix.

And then, like, I don't know, the parts where she is like, oh, that was kind of cool that she did, are sort of, like, kind of canceled out by the fact that, like, there's so much violence against her. And then she's not that interesting or developed of a character. I'm not like, ooh, let's quote Elizabeth Swann because she has all these cool quotes and let's emulate her because of how great she is. But how much of that goes into the fact that Keira Knightley is playing her? I mean, she doesn't have a ton of range. There's a ton. I mean, there's a lot of bland-ass actors

in it. Like Orlando, the two leads are boring as fuck. Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley, they're British. That's it. Orlando Bloom for sure has no charisma. Keira Knightley, I think is a skilled actress, but she doesn't have any range. She can be British. For sure. That's it. Orlando Bloom for sure has no charisma. No. He's flaccid as hell. I think it's a skilled actress, but she doesn't have any range. She can be in movies that take place from like 1900 all the way back to 1600.

As long as she's in like a long dress. And bend it like Beckham. And bend it like Beckham. Which I like. Yeah. So I'm going to give it two nipples. They belong to the monkey namedham. Which I like. Yeah, so I'm going to give it two nipples. They belong to the monkey named Jack.

Jack the monkey. Cool, cool, cool. Okay, I'm going to give it one and three-fourths nipples. Love it. Yeah, I'm going to say she was incredibly helpless. Blech. Wasn't into that. But I did see potential for her character to develop later in the series. Where I was like, okay, she's got some spunk.

And I could see this becoming an actual person as it goes on but I'm going to say one in three-fourths I like that fraction I like yeah I don't know if we've ever had a three-fourths before that's good that's just a nipple with a little ass someone bit it

too hard okay I'll give it two I agree that Elizabeth Swan is fundamentally a good character. I think if she was played by another actress, she would probably seem like an even more strong character. And there's female characters with potential for more stories, specifically Anna Maria. So the roots of really able to be developed female characters are here with at least two characters

and it's just not capitalized on in this movie. But I mean, and this is horrible to be like, well, at least they're there, but at least they're there. Those nipples, I'm going to give one to Saldana,

one Saldana nip, and then one goofy pirate nip. One of the dumb ones. The one that has a wooden eye? Yeah, the goofy. Yeah. Cool. Are we supposed to give the nips away?

We describe them, so then we're saying, like, who these nipples belong to. Give your nips away. Okay, so one is like a big pink nipple, and it belongs to the dad. Yeah. With a B. Like a silver pancake. And then another one's like a little tight nipple and it's going to belong to Giselle.

It's a three-fourth nipple. It's very tiny. I do picture the dad's nipple as lactating. I don't know why. But I'm like, that dad's got some milk in him. He can stop it up with his wig because he is the greatest wig of them all oh that's my last comment so many wigs in this movie the the wigs out wigs out hogs out no hogs out in the movie but wigs are certainly man what was the

wig budget that's my new question to ask. Guess that wig budget. There had to have been a solid $20,000 spent on wigs alone. I'd say that's probably pretty close to being right. Those were high class wigs. Well, because all the pirates are wearing wigs too. Yeah. Or most of them. Orlando Bloom, not wearing a wig.

They're just like, throw some grease on him. Yeah. He sucks. I have seen the second and third of the Pirates movies have two but i don't remember them i know i do remember there being another female character who they go to because they're like we need to bring barbosa back from the dead and then she does it but i don't know if any other female characters like new ones are introduced i? I can't tell, yeah. I don't remember. I'd have to rewatch them. I did not see the fourth movie,

but this fifth one coming out, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, I don't think were in the fourth movie, but they return for this fifth one, Dead Men Tell No Tales, which is something the Cotton's Pirate says in this movie,

in Curse of the Black Pearl. Oh yeah, and then Davy Jones. I feel like this movie series just invokes vague nautical shit right throughout but that's also true to the roller coaster just vague nautical shit where you're like this seems about right oh i would argue well this is in either the second or the third movie but you see a huge vagina monster aka the kraken oh wow that is oh the kraken is a huge pussy yeah yeah that's great we should do this like pussy juice on everyone it kind of like sneezes yeah the kraken it sneezes all over that's exciting um that's a female character right there i think so yeah if only

she could speak more of an aura a very feminine aura about that particular installment we should do an episode about the country bears this is something i will say over and over is it live action or animated oh it is live action maybe it is it it's pretty much just like let's take the scary animatronics from the ride no one likes but for 90 minutes it's wild and i'm pretty sure it's like a smurfette situation where there's like one female how did we get all these bears an amazing story i would just want to say one last thing and that is booty before booty which is get that money before getting a boy booty. Booty. Booty. Booty.

Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty. Booty.

I've never referred to a man. I guess, well, I've been like, ooh, booty call. Boys can be booties. So, yeah, booty before booty. Anyway, Ashley, thank you so much for being here. Oh, my goodness. Thanks for having me. Of course.

Where can people find you on the internet? Follow me on Twitter at Ashley B. Roberts. I'm going to do it right now. Oh, awesome. Hell yeah. What does he say at the end? He's like, something is something and really bad eggs. Drink up.

Me hearties your home. Oh, an amazing selection to play in the concert band. Also, we have an Instagram account now. We do, yes. We have an Instagram. Follow us at Bechtelcast on Instagram. Also follow us on Twitter at Bechtelcast. You can listen to us on a bunch of different places.

SoundCloud, Libsyn, iTunes. You're probably already doing that right now. Why do I got to say it? Jeez. Jeez Louise. You can like us on Facebook. We have a Facebook. You can like us there. We read the messages. You email us. We read those a little bit less. Yeah.

Maybe Facebook message if it's urgent. If it's a feminism emergency. Try Facebook. Like us and rate us and review us on iTunes and all that stuff. You said rate, right? I said rate. Okay. Just checking. Rate us.

But I am going to go and initiate some floor play with someone. I got to go. See you guys later. Bye. Bye. Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th, 2017, was assassinated. Crooks everywhere unearths the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks.

She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, this is Matt Rogers. or wherever you get your podcasts. us on Las Culturistas. That's right. The queen of comedy herself. Get ready for a conversation that's as hilarious as it is insightful. Tune in for all the laughs, the stories, and of course the culture. Don't miss Katherine Hahn on Las Culturistas. Listen to

Las Culturistas on Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Gianna Pardenti. And I'm Jermaine Jackson-Gadsden. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert

Maury Tahiripour. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.