The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast - Almost Good Advice Part XII

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Ben and Ashley are back to help listeners with their (almost) expert advice!  Find out the pitfalls and the pluses of turning your passion into a career, how to set healthy boundaries at home, and we share step-by-step instructions on how to create chemistry through texting!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. My boyfriend's professor is way too friendly, and now I'm seriously suspicious. Wait a minute, Sam. Maybe her boyfriend's just looking for extra credit. Well, Dakota, luckily, it's back to school week on the OK Storytime podcast, so we'll find out soon. This person writes, my boyfriend's been hanging out with his young professor a lot. He doesn't think it's a problem, but I don't trust her. Now he's insisting we get to know each other, but I just want her gone.

Hold up. Isn't that against school policy? That seems inappropriate. Maybe find out how it ends by listening to the OK Storytime podcast and the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, my name is Enya Umanzor. And I'm Drew Phillips. And we run a podcast called Emergency Intercom. If you're a crime junkie and you love crimes, we're not the podcast for you. But if you have unmedicated ADHD... Oh, my God, perfect.

And want to hear people with mental illness, psychobabble. Yes, yes. Then Emergency Intercom is the podcast for you. Open your free IHeartRadio app. Search Emergency Intercom and listen now. The Super Secret Bestie Club podcast season four is here. And we're locked in. That means more juicy chisement.

Terrible love advice. Evil spells to cast on your ex. No, no, no, no. We're not doing that this season. Oh. Well, this season we're leveling up. Each episode will feature a special Bestie and you're not going to want to miss it. My name is Curley.

And I'm Maya. Get in here. Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I just normally do straight stand-up, but this is a bit different. What do you get when a true crime producer walks into a comedy club? Answer, a new podcast called Wisecrack, where a comedian finds himself at the center of a chilling true crime story. Does anyone know what show they've come to see? It's a story.

It's about the scariest night of my life. This is Wisecrack. available now. Listen to Wisecrack on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is the Ben and Ashley I, Almost Famous Podcasts with IHeart Radio. One of our favorite segments in the Almost Famous Podcast is Almost Good Advice. We come to you with some of your questions that you've written in to Ashley and myself. We always get excited to answer the questions or just work through them with you.

We can't promise the best answers, but we can have promised some almost good advice. The first one comes from Corinne. It says this, I've been working in the same job for over five years. And while I appreciate this ability, I don't find it fulfilling anymore. I dream of pursuing a career in graphic design. But I'm terrified of leaving my current position and starting over. How do I find the courage to make this leap and turn my passion into a career? I wonder what she's doing currently.

If it has anything to do in the graphic design territory, I'm working the same job for five years. I think that it's how to find the courage to make the lead. Well, you know, what can help you a little bit is if you start working like a little freelance somewhere in graphic design, whether you start doing something on your own. That way you have dipped your toe into that pool. Maybe you're already making contacts. you're just, you know, you're getting a feel for the industry and then you can leave your job

because then you'd feel a little bit just more secure in your decision. You're making sure that it's something that you really do feel a passion for and one end of field that you think you could excel in. Ashley, it's such good advice. No, really? Thanks. I was going to say the only thing I could speak of to this question is my own experience. And so when I started Generous Coffee, I was working a full-time job in financial services. What a lot of people don't know is I work that job in financial services still two years

after I was the bachelor. Yeah, like when we started the podcast in the first couple months, I was like, Ben, you should probably quit. But it was exactly what you probably should have done because you had the fallback. Exactly. I had the fallback. I had the insurance. I had the retirement.

You know, I had the things that were stable. and it wasn't until I felt like, hey, I can take this risk now. It's still risky, but at least I am more set up to go on my own. And if that doesn't work in six months, seven months, then I will at least be able to find hopefully a new job. And, you know, I'm how many years in. And I haven't had to go back yet to corporate America, which I'm very thankful for. But actually, I'd say part of that, you know, part of the thing not mentioned here,

I think your advice is perfect. So I was kind of moonlighting, starting generous as I was working for the financial services company. And I was doing I heart, kind of the three of them. And so I was doing this podcast in the evenings or after work or during my lunch break. And then I was work at home and work on generous and do, you know, work pretty much the rest of the evening. There was things I had to sacrifice during that season of life, right?

A lot of friends I couldn't hang out with, a lot of nights out I couldn't do, a lot of travel I had to say no to because I was working really hard to try to build this thing generous that I was really passionate about. So that is the downside. You know, you are, I think, Corin, the best option here is for you to probably put in more hours than you've ever expected to build up this kind of freelance graphic design portfolio that then you could feel more comfortable going out on your own with or you at least would have the experience and understand the terminology, understand what people are looking for more just in case you wanted to apply for a job with another business in graphic design specifically. And so I think there's a lot

of lessons learned that you could do when you freelance in the evenings that would probably be very helpful for you if you ever want to go into corporate America and do it. So that's how I would do it. That's how you, so I, you know, I don't know if courage is exactly the right word here. I think it does take courage to try anything on your own and I think it takes a lot of risk. But I think there's some ways to alleviate the risk and also make it so it isn't so stressful and it isn't so anxiety driven. So maybe courage isn't necessarily the word I would use. I would just say the fortitude to take the step, to try to work more hours to get some experience so that you're more likely to get a job when you do apply. Yeah, totally. Great advice, Ben. I think you said it first.

I just said the same thing you did just in a different way. But in a very much more articulate. Dale is up next. He says, I work long hours at my job. And I often find myself bringing work home. My personal life is suffering because of it. And I feel guilty for wanting to take time for myself. How can I set healthy boundaries between work and personal life while still being seen as a committed employee? Well, you go first on this one.

Dale, there's a few questions I'd ask you. Do you have a family? Yeah, because I was going to say, I was like, this is very simple. It's like your wife at home, and she annoyed at this. Do you have kids that you're not playing with? Well, he doesn't bring up family within this whole conversation. He just says personal life. And I feel like if he had a family.

Now, a family is different, Dale. I think if you have a family, you have to put your stake in the ground. You have to leave work as often as you can at work. Your family, one, is about as interested in your work as they're probably as interested as anybody, but it's not that interesting to them. They don't want to hear about your struggles. They don't want to hear about all the things you have to do. Now, they do probably want to sit with you in some of your pains and frustrations at work and say, hey, let me hear it.

I want to know where you're at in life. I want to hear more about your job. But there's also a respect factor there where for the next four hours of your evening that you get to spend with your family and kids, they probably don't want to just hear about how your job is so hard or all the struggles. They also want you to stap out of it at some point and just enjoy being home. Now, if you're single, Dale, because that's what I'm assuming you are. then I think there is this as you get older there is this process of learning how to leave work at work you have you know you have to start preparing for this next step in your life and if that is a family or if you know or if those are building closer friendships I'm not going to say it

happens immediately I'm not even going to say it happens over the next few years but over time you're going to have to continue to find space and if you're overworked then here's my advice for you. You have to bring it up to your boss. As somebody that leads a team of, you know, 20 employees, I often don't know where they're at mentally. I also don't know where they're at physically. And so I never mind it. And I've never talked to a good manager or a good executive who does mind it. When their employees in a respectful and not a threatening way, say, hey, I feel overworked. I feel like my job is requiring more of me. in the time and hours I have in the day. And as a result, my personal life is struggling

because of it. Is there anything we could do to try to assist in this? And allow your manager or the executive at your business to respond. Let them try to problem solve. Really, that's why they're there. You know, they don't do, we don't, as executives, don't do a lot more than manage a team, make sure that our employees are happy, satisfied, and at the right skill set for what we need. While at the same time doing a small little problem solving here and but we're really counting on you to express to us what your needs are so that you can be better for the business. And I was just going to add that

if taking homework is something that you don't mind because somehow I feel that a little bit from you and the little that we know, why don't you just do it a couple days a week? Like you say, okay, well, I'll do that on Tuesday or Thursday or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then I'll make sure that I have my social life on Thursday and Friday. Or you can say like, I'll bring home a,

or I'll like come home and I'll work. for an hour or so on stuff. But then, like, at a certain time, I'll close the computer. My final piece of advice, and this is more actionable, Dale, would be to get a mentor or a coach to kind of lay all this out with you. There are coaches for all levels of employees. And you could lay out, hey, here's the things on my plate each day. Here's the things I need to execute on.

Is there any things that you see I'm doing inefficiently that you maybe have some advice on or is there any space for me to cut some stuff out that maybe aren't necessary for the business? Is there some time that you don't even realize, Dale, you're just scrolling on Instagram or surfing the web and you don't even realize how much time that's actually taking up to distract you from the things that you need to get done so that you can go home from work and kind of leave your computer, leave that stuff at work. So maybe a coach, like an actionable coach could actually be helpful or a mentor just to sit down with you. Final story is I had an employee two years ago come to me and say they're working super hard and super long hours and

they're getting tired. And I said, okay, here's how you can help me. In the next two weeks of your work, I want you to write down all the things you're doing. Like when you get something done, if it's emails, I did that for 20 minutes. And then I work on a document for 10 minutes. All these things, write them out for me. And then so that I can see what you're working on and I can help cut those things out or I can maybe hire somebody new on to take over some of those responsibilities that are kind of grouped in the same kind of focus so that you don't have to worry about that anymore. So Dale, I think laying some of this stuff out, you know, actually for you could be really helpful to cut some things out of your work life so that you can go home and be a better person,

to your friends, family, whoever it is. My boyfriend's professor is way too friendly and now I'm seriously suspicious. Oh, wait a minute, Sam. Maybe her boyfriend's just looking for extra credit. Well, Dakota, it's back to school week on. on the OK Storytime podcast, so we'll find out soon. This person writes, my boyfriend has been hanging out with his young professor a lot. He doesn't think it's a problem, but I don't trust her. Now, he's insisting we get to know each other, but I just want her gone.

Now, hold up. Isn't that against school policy? That sounds totally inappropriate. Well, according to this person, this is her boyfriend's former professor and they're the same age. And it's even more likely that they're cheating. He insists there's nothing between them. I mean, do you believe him? Well, he's certainly trying to get this person to believe him because he now wants them both to meet.

So, do we find out if this person's boyfriend really cheated with his professor or not? To hear the explosive finale, listen to the OK Storytime podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Imagine that you're on an airplane, and all of a sudden, you hear this. Attention passengers, the pilot is having an emergency, and we need someone, anyone, to land this plane. Think you could do it? It turns out that nearly 50% of men think that they could land the plane with the help of air traffic control. And they're saying like, okay, pull this, pull that, turn this. It's just, I can do it my eyes close. I'm Mani. I'm Noah. This is Devin.

And on our new show, no such thing, we get to the bottom of questions like these. Join us as we talk to the leading expert on overconfidence. Those who lack expertise lack the expertise they need to recognize that they lack expertise. And then as we try the whole thing out for real. Wait, what? Oh, that's the wrong. I'm looking at this thing, see? Listen to No Such Thing on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, my name is Enya Humanzor. And I'm Drew Phillips.

And we run a podcast called Emergency Intercom. If you're a crime junkie and you love crimes, we're not the podcast for you. But if you have unmedicated ADHD... Oh my God, perfect. And want to hear people with mental illness. Psychobabble. Yes, yes. Then Emergency Intercom is the podcast for you.

Open your free IHeartRadio app. Search Emergency Intercom and listen now. Everyone thinks they'd never join a cult, but it happens all the time to people just like you. And people just like us. I'm Lola Blanc and I'm Megan Elizabeth. We're the hosts of Trust Me, a podcast about cults, manipulation, and the psychology of belief.

Each week we talk to fellow survivors, former believers, and experts to understand why people get pulled in, and how they get out. Trust me, new episodes every Wednesday on exactly right. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Sarah has our next question. She says, I've been using dating apps for several months, but I keep encountering the same issues.

Either the chemistry isn't there or the conversations fizzle out quickly. I'm starting to feel discouraged, and I question if online dating is worth it. How can I improve my chances of finding a meaningful connection, or should I consider other ways to meet people? Well, Sarah, what I really want to know here is, is the chemistry not there via the chat, the chat feature on the app, or is the chemistry not there in person? And it says, the conversation shows a lot quickly, is that, again, in person, or is that through the chat feature? because I am one that's always been very bad at keeping a flirty, romantic kind of like back and forth via text.

That isn't going, however you act via text message is not a good demonstration of how the chemistry and conversation will be in real life. You're going to have to go out with these people, but I know what sucks about, dating apps is that you feel like you need to woo these people with the written word before you actually get asked out. And so many, I feel, women especially get really frustrated with dating apps because it seems like sometimes a mechanism where guys just flirt via text and they don't actually ask women out. So in the case that it's just you feeling discouraged by not getting asked out. You should kind of have a rule with yourself that you go back and forth a few times. If the guy doesn't initiate an actual in-person date, then you say, forget him.

Or if you are the kind of person that wants to be bold and you seems very interested in this particular person you're talking to, you can be the one that puts the plan out there. And if they don't, if they're not proactive about it, then you say forget about it. Yeah. I mean, I think Ashley is right. I would just add into this too. Part of dating, I think, is giving up our pride. And I think something helpful here, Sarah, could be if you have a trusted friend, like your best friend or your mom or your sister, whoever you like really trust to be vulnerable around and to kind of lay your pride down around, to ask them to kind of look through some of these conversations that you're having and see if maybe they're reading it differently than how you mean to be saying it. I had to do that a few years ago, actually, with my text messages. I was texting thinking they're coming off a certain way, you know, because I know what I meant for them to say, kind of like email. Sometimes it's hard to read the intent behind an email or a text. And people were reading them and taking them

different than how I was like meaning them to be taken. And as a result, there's a lot of miscommunication going on. I have a friend that tells me all the time that My texts are short and they don't, and they feel cold. Whereas I'm like, you know, I'm just, I just don't feel like, like, texting is just not the kind of communication that I would much prefer to talk in person. Oh, well, they might be short. They can be short. But I don't like overdo it with warmth. I'm just saying there could be a benefit here for Sarah to have a next, a new eye, a trusted eye, look at these conversations and say, yeah, right here, it sounds like you're done with this conversation.

So the person stopped responding. but she and Sarah's going I wasn't done yet and they're going but that's how it's I'm reading it that's how I'm seeing it so be you know then you can start to get you know learn new skills and communication or things you shouldn't be saying or or things that you might be saying that are kind of making the person that you're trying to flirt with um less interested that you could probably change and so having a different eye on it could be helpful that's my point Ben that is an awesome point so it's just it that's hard to do because it's hard to go to a friend, family member,

et cetera, and be like, hey, by the way, I don't think I'm good at this. Can you help me? However, I do think there's a benefit in it, and I imagine there's people in your life that would love to sit in that with you. Final question, Ashley, is from Emily. Emily says, I need help balancing and managing expectations.

I recently started dating someone who I think has a lot of potential, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm expecting too much too soon. We've been on a few great dates, but I worry that I might be projecting my ideal, partner onto them. How can I balance my expectations while still being open to where this relationship might go? This one is for you, Ben, because I feel like I'm the one who would always do this. Really? I would definitely dream somebody up. Like, if I liked them at the beginning, I would probably idealize them. And like, I could fall in love in my head with just knowing a few

traits. Yeah. I think I've, I admit it on the podcast that I've oftentimes, especially when I was younger to this in friendships, I felt closer to people. I thought we were, I was closer to people than I think they thought we were. And so I, you know, would lean on these friendships or expect stuff out of these friendships that maybe they weren't even realizing that they, that we were that close. I feel like that's an only child thing, Ben. I think it is. You were leaning on people because you needed someone. Yeah, I'm lonely. I'm so lonely. I think that I think honestly it probably does come from that. I always expected people to like me. And when I felt, you know, for the first time, which I wrote about in my book, alone in plain sight, when I felt for the first time that

rejection or that I maybe didn't have the close friends that I thought I had, then it was a realization to me that, uh, you know what? I needed to maybe partake a little bit more in these friendships or put a little more into these friendships or just have different expectations for friendships. And so as I read Emily's, I kind of go back to my own experience and say, I get it. This isn't something that is abnormal to you, Emily. This is very common with a lot of people. I think here is the only message I would send to you. I don't actually think it's bad for you to have certain expectations for certain people in your life. I do, though, think it's bad when you hold too tightly to what an ideal partner will look like or will function like. Because

here's the truth. We're all human. And so we have good days and we have bad days. We say the right same thing sometimes. We say the wrong thing sometimes. We match your enthusiasm sometimes. We also fail at matching your enthusiasm sometimes. That's the human experience. And so what I think you need to do is not change your expectations, but start to become more curious about what the person, who the person actually is. Because who the person is inside, what they represent, what they care about, how they treat you, how they care about you, how they care about progressing this relationship is more important to me than this ideal or this idea that you have in your head that probably will never be satisfied. I think this is something that's happened many times with many of

people I know and myself included is you build these ideals. And then as soon as one of those ideals isn't met, then you see it as a red flag. Now, it could be a red flag. But is it just something that's happening in their life because maybe they're not feeling a certain way and you can start to become more curious about what makes them function, what makes them go, what they're looking for. That's the exciting part about relationships and is when you drop down your ideals and you start to become more curious about the relationship. Two things to add. I think I used to do this because I used to never crush on someone like I go on dates and just like, oh, they like me. I don't really like. I just so rarely crushed that when I did get that feeling, it was like, oh, my

God, this is the most exhilarating thing in the entire world. And then you do ignore those red flags. So then speaking of the red flags, when they do come up, if they do, and you have doubts, don't push away the doubts just because you already built up this dream around this person. because I used to do this too like I would see these things or like feel like oh man it's actually not like so dreamy it's not like that conversation

or just like the vibes around him that day weren't as great as they like I wanted them to be but I would leave and try to convince myself that they were because like I had already built up this idea that he was like the perfect match right

so and then like you don't even have like the break because like you're so into the idea of this person being right for you you kind of you know you ignore that for so long and then like only when it's over can you be like okay well I guess I can admit to myself it wasn't perfect then just what I'm saying is if there are red flags try not try not to ignore them if like you're not feeling 100% on something, just be like, okay, it's just not a dream. It's not a dream situation. Does that make sense? Does that make sense at all? A little bit. I guess I'm maybe thinking about like one example in my life too much. I think this, Ashley. I think you and I

do two different ways of processing. You process very quickly, usually out loud. And it's kind of not a spiral, but it's a little chaotic, but you always get to the, it's, you get to the solution. Like, you just like, you do. What you just said is kind of how you process. It's like a thousand things going on. And then all of a sudden you're like, and that's, that's the way it is. And then you're good. And it works. And it works for you perfectly. I'm more of a quiet processor, right? I let these thoughts wash over me. I kind of think through them. I investigate them. I don't say them out loud until I feel like, okay, I get it. I got it. Two different ways of doing it, both right. their own respective ways. No, yours sounds so much better. No, I think mine sounds like,

you know, I, I just let these things kind of come through me. And I think a mix of the two are very helpful, right? Processing it out loud with friends or family or even if you just say it out loud to yourself. Like, I know that sounds weird. Talk to yourself a bit. Say the things that you're thinking out loud, put words to them and just see how they sound to you even as you're listening to yourself talk, or maybe just let these things process internally come to some conclusion on, hey, yeah, that was weird that they did this. That felt off to me. That made me unattracted to them for a period of time. Why did it make it? Why was I so thrown off by that? Is this something that is a non-negotiable to me? Is this a really big deal to me? Or am I overreacting

and I'm looking for signs that, you know, are going to push me away? Am I trying to get out of this thing. And then the next question would be, why are you trying to get out of it? Are you not that interested in it? Do you not want a relationship? Are you not curious? Like all these things can start and then you can start to get to a path to be like, no, you know what? Maybe I do want a relationship and maybe I'm not going to let this thing push me away like I have so many other times because this isn't a non-negotiable to me. I do care about this person. Now I'm learning how to not just forgive and forget, but I'm learning how to compromise in a relationship. That's a big step. Yeah. Just don't put somebody on a pedestal until you know them well enough and you accept that you know them and not

your dream version of them yeah come on nobody's going to match the dream that see that was better put i just you did great just said it like that well you said it out loud and then we processed together and we figured it out it's all great uh that's another episode of almost good advice uh hopefully we shared some almost good advice with all of you please continue to write us in with any of your questions, concerns, life moments, life questions, we're here to walk through them with you, to process out loud maybe for you so that we can be the voice or put words to the questions that you have. So until next time, I've been Ben. I've been Ashley. See ya. Follow the Ben and Ashley I, almost famous podcast on IHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you

listen to podcasts. My boyfriend's professor is way too friendly and now I'm seriously suspicious. Wait a minute, Sam. Maybe her boyfriend's just looking for extra credit. Luckily, it's back-to-school week on the OK Storytime podcast, so we'll find out soon. This person writes, my boyfriend's been hanging out with his young professor a lot. He doesn't think it's a problem, but I don't trust her. Now he's insisting we get to know each other, but I just want her gone. Hold up. Isn't that against school policy? That seems inappropriate. Maybe find out how it ends by listening to the OK Storytime podcast on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, my name is Enya Emanzor. And I'm Drew Phillips. And we run a podcast called Emergency Intercom. If you're a crime junkie and you love crimes, we're not the podcast for you. But if you have unmedicated ADHD... Oh my God, perfect. And want to hear people with mental illness, psychobabble. Yes, yes.

Then Emergency Intercom is the podcast for you. Open your free IHeartRadio app. Search Emergency Intercom and listen now. What would you do if one bad decision forced you to choose? between a maximum security prison or the most brutal boot camp designed to be hell on earth. Unfortunately for Mark Lombardo,

this was the choice he faced. He said, you are a number, a New York State number, and we own you. Listen to shock incarceration on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Your entire identity has been fabricated.

brother goes missing without a trace. You discover the depths of your mother's illness. I'm Danny Shapiro, and these are just a few of the powerful stories I'll be mining on our upcoming 12th season of Family Secrets. We continue to be moved and inspired by our guests and their courageously told stories. Listen to Family Secrets Season 12 on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast. Thank you.