The Ben and Emil Show - MBS 6: New Intro, beach pics, and Ben smokes

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

It's SUMMERTIME and we're all lubed up with our favorite sunblock. Ben smokes a joint all to himself and we giggle a lot. Please enjoy. This week's bonus episode is too fun. Ben continues to smoke more weed. Sign up at: https://www.benandemilshow.com This episode (and every episode) was masterfully edited by Dillon Moore. Check him out at https://www.dillonmoore.co and @ dillonmoore on IG Follow us on instagram. @ bencahn and @ emilderosa and @ dillonmoore and @ philorphilip Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Like the whole goddamn thing on fire. Okay, everybody, welcome to the episode, episode seven, episode seven or eight. Nobody was really sure. Is it? I think it's six. Okay, so I was wrong three times on a meatball special. This is a very special one because in honor of the- It's the plop-down summer show.

Yeah, it's the summer show. I'm smoking a joint. The plop-down summer style show. This is- Welcome back to the plop-down summer style show. It is right. We are right in the middle of summer. And we're coming right off of two of the hottest days in the entire, heck.

World. One thing you can't deny, school is out. No more homework. No more teachers. Summer style. What's he talking about dirty looks? Because teachers, man. They look at you and they say, cut your hair.

Cut your hair. Hippie. Get it all together. They get mad at you. Not me. I was a good student. It's the middle of summer. Guys, protect yourself when you're out there.

We literally, it literally, Monday was, Sunday was the hottest day that the world has ever had. And then Monday beat that. So it had a record of one day. Is that good? Does that make you feel bad or scared? Definitely. Did you hear about this? For sure.

There was a Belgian tourist in Death Valley. Here in Southern California, we have a thing called Death Valley. And this Belgian, he like, I don't know if he lost his sandals, but he got third degree burns on his feet. Jesus. From walking in the sand in Death Valley. What the fuck are you doing without shoes on? I think they must have gotten lost in the sand. The thing that made me feel really bad was because it's been uncharactered.

I mean, it's always hot in L.A., but it usually gets really hot towards the end of summer. August and September are so hot here when it starts to cool off in other places. But it was really hot here in June. And it felt like everyone I talked to, I would talk to people back east and they'd be like, yeah, we're just having this fucking awful heat wave. And I'd be like, we're having a heat wave. You talk to people in the Midwest, the whole fucking country. That's true. And then I talked to my mom in Greece and she was like, we're having a huge heat wave.

And I was like, okay, I think the plan is just having a heat wave. Man, welcome to the retirement home because we're just talking about the weather of this episode. Man, you guys hear in this heat wave shit going around? Summer styley, baby. It goes right with it. It's supposed to be about the good vibes of summer. It's about the good vibes of summer. All boats rise.

I feel like this triumvent. All boats will rise when the ocean levels rise. Yo, nicely. Well, and then here in Los Angeles, you go to the beach. You go to the beach and it's a, it's a, he's going to talk louder. 78. That's what's frustrating. That is frustrating.

Because you want it to be hot at the beach. Either way. I'm kind of cold. You know what I say? What? Plop down summer style. Plop down summer style. It's as simple as that.

So here's what's happening. Here's what's happening. It's taking it again. Okay. So here's what's happening. Were you going to cut that, right? Yeah. The happening.

We're definitely going to cut that. No, we can't keep it in. Leave it. Tell us what's happening. Yeah, what's happening? I feel like this triumphant really bonded by going to the beach together. Oh, that's right. You know?

It really solidified everything. Yeah. Yeah, we got sandwiches. We would get sandwiches. We'd get to know each other. You go out there. You chop it up with your friends. We wrote punk songs about turds on the sidewalk.

Tirds. It was amidst deep pandemic. A little bit before pandemic as well. Before pandemic. But the Tirds was also. Before pandemic. He's okay. Should we explain to people what that was?

What, the beach crew? No, well, because we were at the beach walking back to our car from Venice, from Venice Beach, and there was this disgusting streak of poop on the sidewalk. And one of us pointed it out. It probably was me because I am the poop guy. True. But I was like, watch out, guys, there's a streak of turds on the sidewalk. And I don't know who it prompted one of us to say, man, that sounds like a punk song.

Streaks of tards. Streaks and tards. Streaks and turds. Don't care what you know. Don't care what you heard. Streaks of tards. Streaks and tards. And then we stopped going to that beach because it's, um...

Because it's full of turds. It's disgusting. Yeah, if the sidewalks are full of turds, what's in the ocean? I remember the last time we went. There was a distinct difference. I think we started going and it was, uh, it was just a bit apocalyptic. I remember the guy throwing glass. Yeah.

Like we were walking up and everyone would put their blanket down on the beach, their towel down on the beach and they would go, was it the glass throwing guy? I was like, yeah, yeah, you got to watch out for the glass throwing guy for there. Maybe we're Malibu people from here. Truly. But remember Roseberger? That place was so fucking good. Oh, the window?

The window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got one now and so we're like, so it's also a hyper-local episode we're talking here. Man, how about that new ice cream shop on sunset? Fuck that place. Salt and straw? We're on sunset. And near the near the, near black cat.

Oh, so you sent me some stuff. Do you want me to pull it up now? Because it's beach photos. Yeah, I just have, I just sort of went through tagged photos, some of our photos of the entirety of the beach crew. And I just wanted to like sort of share it with you guys. Okay. And kind of walk through it.

Do me favor, make it big and just go one and then down. Should I do preview? Yeah, do preview. Yeah. So this is like, this is us guys the other day at the beach. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a screen recording it. Yeah.

So just sort of working on way backwards. This is the five horsemen. God, does that not look like so much fun? I wish we're at the beach right now. Truly, just us, the boys out there hanging out. Truly, every time you go to the beach and you're on the beach with your friends, there's one moment where you're in the water and everyone looks at each other and you go, this is nice.

Yeah. You're peeing in the water. We did. We started this beach room because we were all east side L.A. writers that never went outside. And then we were. I mean, I go outside all the time. you know how it really started you guys go out all the time you're always playing tennis

don't you're talking about now don't yell at us you're so tan thank and i you're literally all at any time i am pretty tan you guys are always you should be pros by now with how much fucking tennis you play what's your excuse we are good you should watch us play sometime we actually would like that i should come watch i will come cheer you on we just get so nervous when he's there and we're just so fuck we usually so much well so wait the the real origins have much darker uh Of tennis? Much darker. A beach group?

Yeah. We, me and Phil, had a weird 2018. Both went through our own. Oh, sure, sure. End of relationships. Sure. We tried to, uh... Flirted.

And then we really, we rose from the ashes and we, you know, the summer started and we said, we said, we're going to start going to the beach. That's true. We went alone a couple times. And then I remember being at a party and people were like, I know, I know. never even think to go to the beach and it's right there and they said tell me the next time you go and then it just fucking snowballed soon we had a whole email list we have uh we actually have a newsletter that once you're on you cannot get off true i've tried many times unfortunately um so you're just

going to have to block me should i go to the next photo yeah go to the next photo so this is us at um a previous iteration this was probably a couple years ago uh again the five horseman but oh yeah Yeah, this is from a few years ago. Yeah, it's just so nice to see. Yeah, I was like, damn, I look good. Yeah. I'm like, no, that was when I was hitting the gym. Yeah.

So this is me and Emil in, um, no, this is so fucked. It me and a meal in, uh, at, on the East Coast. This is such bullshit, in New Jersey, which I really love. We're both wearing our captain's hats and matching tracts. And we're captains of the, uh, for the audio listener, so, um, these are doctored. These are not doctored. This is this? This is what people have seen this picture? Is this real?

Phil, is this real? Is this real? No, he doctored it. No way. I think, I think this is. Because people have seen the cropped photo of just the two of you, but people didn't realize I was right off screen. And he's much bigger than us and way more death.

Damn, days. You do look great. That was a good, you look great. Oh, this is a meal in, um. This is in, uh, Antiparos, I think. In Tiparos, yeah. So not necessarily a summer. It wasn't a sanction.

It was a little bit earlier, but, um, yeah, that one, uh, if you want to go back up, you could just like, go ahead and zoom in. You know, because this was, we were reading a lot. The book is, is everyone hanging out without me and other concerns? This is bullshit. You're reading Mindy Kaling's autobiography. I remember what I was reading. I was reading The Road to 9-11.

Well, according to this, not so much. Yeah, it looks like in the photo here, you're reading, is everyone hanging out. And the answer is yes. And then just the, I remember this. This was a great day. That was a really good day. You know what? I, this one is funny because someone, someone gave a shit about this. uh we mentioned how i think a long time ago we mentioned this was like the first time i really

left the house and socialized during the pandemic oh yeah and it was on july 4th and i needed it so bad and it felt so good to do and we mentioned on the pod one time that we we did it and there was just like one person who was like wow socializing on july 4th 2020 and it's like yeah shut the fuck up please just leave me like yeah they got mad everyone was safe there I feel like. It was outdoors. Sure, I'm in Ben's arms.

We also didn't like hang out with any, well, the people that were there, they were all sitting on chairs. To be fair, I had a, I had a, a string of lesbian women

linked on tubes that I was dragging around the pool. That's right. I remember. So, and these were, my friend Lexi's, I do think everyone tested

before they went, whatever. We needed to, go back up. Okay. This was the day we were also. running away to the side

and just going like little gerbils I forgot we did acid yeah we were off one and also at the end of the night fireworks were going off and we were at our friends Matt's house in Highland Park

and Emil leaned over to me and it was like 1130 he goes Matt said they're all going to go crazy at midnight and I was like how does Matt know this they did not go crazy at midnight beautiful

this is um just a really oh yeah well there's a meal right there what the fuck is going on look at that photo right there too i remember those yeah this is just this was the beach crew winter formal this was the beach crew winter formal so we had a winter formal where we had everybody come on out and we got 30 trophies for everybody so everyone won a trophy it was very sweet yeah we uh this is uh the again the five horsemen but a couple years ago so it's just like sort of different vibes. I know my hair is longer. Big whoop. My hair is a little bit longer. Still figuring out my beard at the time. Danny looks good though. I like him now with the beard. Amil looks insane. With the glasses. I've got my hairline was it's just kind of

crazy. It's before you went to Turkey. Yeah. Oh yeah. This is a good one too. This is the whole crew there just like kind of kicking it. Every you know, everyone's got the trophies. I like Ben a lot in the back he just sort of sneaked in there snuck in this is me in the mail the co-captains of it i mean i know right my beard it's i look so hard in that picture you know what i'm surprised that is how many photos there are yeah there's about five more we could just keep speeding no no oh yeah trump vans 2024 that's we wrote this in the sand at you spelled endorses way wrong it also looks like this is his name trump i vance yeah this was me and uh i think that was ben but it was a while ago yeah that's a good one

was that new jersey yeah that was in new jersey i know that new jersey that was uh this one's really good and there's a really cute girl behind you triple date day yeah um this is me and amel why are you um i look so good in all these pictures well you look like you're 22 oh man thank you and i appreciate that i know we all kind of changed this is the both of you at um does that look like amel anyone in particular can you think of i guess i'll tell you later for sure it looks like from

oh it does kind of yeah okay never mind i just kill for me oh that was when my car broke down on the side of the freeway oh yeah coming home from the beach yeah i think i remember going guys i don't mean to panic you

but we have to get out and push yeah And then we did. You guys got out and you pushed. And I said, you know what? Let me give it a try in five minutes. And it started right up and we drove right home. It's terrifying.

Terrifying. Terrifying kind of car to have. Oh, dude, sitting on the 10? And then this is, again, the acid day. This is the acid day. I wish we had the real pictures, at least for comparison. I looked so much. Oh, there's a meal on the course.

This is a meal when we first started playing tennis. Which leads me to my next one. I made a little intro. Oh, this is Ben, talking about planes. Oh, wow. I look like shit. No, you look cool. Look at that long hair.

This was a real one where you were excited about planes. I made an intro for our podcast. Oh, do you want me to play it? To rival the other intro. Let's play it. Wow. It says 787. Yeah.

This is sick. Yeah. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. For the audio was there, it's, you got a league at bitch, 9-11. Dude.

Oh, great. Now I got it on me. Let's go, baby. What do you think about that? I love it. I think it might be the intro. That's stellar. I mean, this is.

I appreciate it. Is that you playing guitar? That's me playing guitar, yeah. It's a good, it's a good track. It's a good riff. Is it you saying Meatball? Oh, of course it is. Meepal.

You guys, we can lay down some wax after this. If you want to get the vocals on that a little bit. Wow. A guy who's not going to do something. You guys know who's having a terrible summer, this Australian surfer whose leg got bit off by a great white shark. And then his leg washed, as if to mock him, the shark spit it back out.

ocean washed it up on shore in New South Wales. Ew. That's, to prove that sharks actually don't like eating us, they make mistakes just like all of us. And then they spit it out. That's so terrible. I think he was a pro too. What? They think we're something else.

They're seeing if it's food and then they go, ah, this tastes like shit. Until they develop a taste for us. True. I mean, we probably do that happen. No. Have you guys never watched Shark Week specials? Uh-uh. Yeah.

They don't like the taste. That's what I was just saying. It's not the taste. It's like, it's all. It's the mouth feel. Seals are so, like, meaty and full of... Blubber? Yeah.

True. We're like... Plus is their attitude. Their attitude makes them probably tastier. Seals' whole thing is like, look at me, come get me. Yeah, they're like cats. They're the cats. People say that they're dogs.

They're not. They're little cats. They're bitchy. Dogs are very much like, look at me, come get me. That's true. But I feel like seals will bite. I mean, when a dog comes up to you and does a thing where it's like, Ruff.

Yeah. And then runs away. Oh, you know I'm right on that dog. It still looks like they have some room to bite and, like, get rid of stuff, too. Like, you can, you won't kill it. Like, you can shave off some pounds. They get stuff jumped out. Right.

I had one of those. House centipedes crawled by, and I went to smash it, and I took off a few of its legs. But it kept going. There you go. Yeah. Those little fuckers. I googled it, and it's like, no, those are good to keep in your house because they eat spiders.

They are. I thought that the spiders were good to eat the bugs. They are. So, but then why would I? want, why would I employ the house centipede to kill the spider? It's a delicate ecosystem. I fucking, my house is my house. It's my ecosystem. That's true. Ben should be

the top of the food chain. You can't, it's against the rules. It's not fair. It's not a level playing field. See what happens. That little fucker can crawl behind my dishwasher. See what happens when you kill one. Your whole shit's going to be out of whack. Too many spiders. I don't give a shit. All of a sudden you're going to see too many spiders.

No. I have so many spiders. I have so many ants. I give up. My aunt shit is out of good. You got to stop doing it. It's theirs. I see them and I see them and go like hey boys good morning how are you the entirety of Los Angeles sits atop a ant hill and whenever it gets hot

they're just like we need water I read a fucked up statistic today that there are a billion worms for every human a billion someone must have got it wrong but also how do they count that many you're telling me that some scientist digs a hole and is like there's so many here

there's got to be like billions these things well think about under the ground yeah think about it dude do you have a lot of room to wiggle around down there that's what I'm saying I didn't know there was that many worm

yeah have you been a place where it's pretty worm dense what like underground oh really I'm in more of an ant dense ecosystem but sometimes you can just like stick your hand of the dirt

and you'll probably come to the dirt what are you five what are you doing playing in the dirt we used to we used to get him get out of there We used to get them for fishing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty sick. Because you were broke. Using them street worms. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Real fast, back to sharks. You know, sharks are older than mountains or trees? Is that true? Dillard just audibly yawned.

No, he's side. I think it's both. Mountains and trees. They are older than them, which is extremely. fucked up. I wish if you were going to present these facts and I went, there was some sort of link or something. I wish, yeah, like, it's true. I know, I just, but I want when I go, are you sure, I want you to go yes. Okay, okay. It's hard to guess and like chaos. Okay, okay. Are sharks older than trees? Yes, sharks are older than what did I say? Mountains. Yes, sharks are older than

the Rocky Mountains, which are 75 million years old. The earliest evidence of sharks are fossil scales that date back over 420 million years ago during the so here's the thing i wasn't doubting you i just when i said are you sure i just wanted you to say yes oh yeah well you said i don't know i'm never fully sure about anything because it might have been a dream fact it might have been one that i heard in a dream you know sometimes i had a dream i got in a fight with a friend last night damn dude who won is he in this room no or is a verbal altercation oh and i was drunk in it too oh no i guess i'm going through some stuff happy summer everybody uh should i should i should i summer's supposed to be carefree don't be having these weird fucked up dreams i know i've been

having weird sleep though i guess maybe that's what's going on um just waking up really early i can't sleep in any i can't 6 30 i'm up i took two naps yesterday the same exact thing it's fine because as some people know I'm swimming now I just go to the pool but my god I'm like please just let me sleep till fucking 8 a. what do you to enjoy the being an early bird it's awesome yeah but if you're up to like 1230 oh yeah yeah then all I'm thinking about all day is like I got six and a half that's it really until I think it's a self-defeating system where I just no nap more tired I don't nap right like today I was like maybe I'll go swim and then I'll nap and then I'm

like I can't nap I'm an adult right Plus it's noon. You can't nap at noon and you've got to eat stuff. My dad used to say this stupid thing that we never got an explanation for and he took it with him to his grave. And my brother's actually just texted about it the other day. Speaking of swimming, he would say swimming with the women. I love that.

And we were like, we're texting about it. And one of my brothers was like, remember when dad would say, Swimming with the women? And I chimed back with a. And I chimed back with the haven't you ever heard of? He had another one of his, was, uh, he would say, gonna get some fish.

And those are from movies. It is? Yeah, Swimming with the Women is from, you're fucking with me. The Godfather Part 3. And, uh, go get some fish. Gonna go get some fish. That's from cool running.

Oh, hell yeah. Maybe it's when he would go to the store to get fish. Anyway, speaking of that. My dad used to do this, and I still don't know what it means. I would ask him a question that could not be answered. And he would go like this. I don't know Damn

You should ask him That's pretty hot I have asked him And he's like I don't know Did you do the thing He didn't do it That didn't?

I think it's like a I think it's like saying I don't know I checked But I don't know I checked my Above my lip I don't know

He's smelling his finger Or if it was a question He couldn't answer He would say That's one of life's Or that's one of man's great mysteries i'm definitely gonna he probably was just doing it to fuck with you yeah if a kid hits you with something deep it's one of man's great mysteries so is it mans or lives it was man's

i think i think i said life by accident well i wanted to share something with you guys uh because i saw that inside out too did you see it no me neither because i don't give a fuck but it's like the highest grossing animated film of all time somehow what did it be how it be mario i don't know toy story mario mario was the biggest movie dude every time you look at me you just turned what you just turning you mario was the biggest movie i'm just trying to talk he's an animated movie Mario was one of the biggest box office hits all time They did it Oh yeah it was

It was a Super Mario Brothers movie Well I'll tell you I also I don't know if it's related But it's reminded me because of Phil But I get burnt In a way that

I obviously would have to Use some sun protection But What are you talking about From the sun I don't know Why did you shift from I literally said why I shifted

Oh I didn't hear Because of looking at Phil Oh sorry Because of my face Something about it's funny i guess ben smoked the whole joint and then i didn't smoke the whole thing is that nicorette gum no i'm good i'm good right now sorry go on but i get so i mean i don't know if you saw the instagram post where i had it all over my nose and lips the zinc for going to play tennis

do you watch my stories i don't really watch anybody's stories you had it on your nose you saw it you watched you had it on your nose do you have me muted no i just don't have anybody watched I just don't watch people You watch stories No I don't I don't I don't really go on I have Opel on during the day

and then At night I just like kind of fucking Go on Reddit You don't watch stories on Instagram Not really Some people don't watch stories I don't watch that many

But I watch Phil's I watch Ben's I appreciate that So wait did you burn your nose dude my nose no no not with the zinc but I was using like unseen sunscreen it's like 40 SPF it was happening in Europe last summer two I was people like you're so burnt it's like I don't know what to do I'm not burnt okay I have questions are you giving it time to soak in before you engage in any water activities you've got to let it soak in for a good 30 minutes well he's playing

tennis so you're not even in the water at all yeah I guess I'm sweating but sweating all the sunblock off Well, either way, I'm putting it on my nose and lips now because, dude, my lips were like fucking cracking and it was awful. That's terrible. I actually, the other, after the beach, my scalp was killing me. That's also terrible. It was really bad. I was totally fine. I didn't burn a single inch.

Ben, as a Californian, would you end up going to the beach a lot during the summer? I actually would swim in our pool every single day of the summer. beach was right there. But I also didn't drive a car is the problem. It was like six miles away. Not as the crow flies, but just like, yeah. Because also in the summer, it's so different in like on the East Coast because everyone is so jacked up about the summer. You get this small window to really squeeze it out.

Sure. When did we go to the beach like every weekend? Honestly, during the weekdays, too, we would try to get to the beach. No, I was swimming every day. God. A brief window, too, where you, like, kind of didn't have a job. Oh. And you were just sort of able to fuck about.

Where would you go, Belmar? We would go to, like, Seabright a lot, Belmar sometimes. We knew people who had beach clubs, which was cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Going to, like, driftwood. Yeah. And then when we got older, this was sick. We had friends who were, the Jersey Shore does rock.

I don't care. got a bad rap. Being a child there and a teenager is very fun. I bet. We had friends who were lifeguards at beach clubs in New Jersey and a lot of them close at night. Some of them are like overnight, but they would have keys to lock up and stuff. God damn. We would have these huge parties at beach clubs.

Damn. That's so crazy. Oftentimes they had keys to the like liquor cabinet. We would just open. We would just tap up. keg. No one got in trouble for this? We did.

We would get caught at one and then we would. It would die. No, no. It would last for like a few weeks and then like they wise up to it. And then it's like we started at the next one. That's cool. Dude, I was getting naked in the pool with my brothers. No, that's not cool.

That's what I was doing. And then we'd celebrate with honor pops. I was somewhere between the two. There was a place called Donovan's Reef. It was the last actual bar on the beach in New Jersey. They like redid it after saying, so it's all but it used to just be this like shit hole and it rocked where it was in Seabright and every year they would have this thing called Dunes Day and it was

just day yeah DUNE what was the name of the place again Donovan's Donovan's what reef oh yeah that's what when when we were swimming naked when my older brother first got pubes that's what we called those Donovan's Reef so we had one on the West Coast too fuck yeah dude hey look is Donovan's Reef and we would throw ragers in there just get in there oh yeah this is dense

I remember seeing someone's pubs before I got pubs I saw my brothers and being like I was shocked I basically had I don't know however long it was

maybe it was like a year or longer of being like this is fucked I was already number one I was you didn't have them yet

yeah I was always always young for my grade and then I was also a late bloomer so just a tragic combination and I was like I think there's something wrong with me I'm not going to get that kind of stuff going I was and then finally I was like whew yeah we've arrived yeah I yeah the kid was like five years older than me and I remember seeing it and almost

passing out because it was far too much to handle just a little child filming oh it was like one of those awkward things where he was like sort of cleaning off he's like where why why are you watching this guy clean his thing off well because he I thought he was calling me over and so I'm just like what and I look down and I see a whole hairy situation on his little teeners

did you guys see your dad's dicks when you were kids yeah sure your dad was the naked guy around the house huh well I sure was not like around the house but who else would be the naked guy nobody yeah especially if he was doing it was sounds like his brother it was usually it was usually in between the shower and in his room but if he was ever downstairs and doing a load of laundry

he'd be in his underwear and it'd be embarrassing if anybody was over because he had he had no qualms about being like ben give me your pants i'm doing laundry and i'm like i'm wearing them currently yeah yeah those were the days wait so i got it i wanted to share you tell your story about his dad's dick your friends oh man I was at my friend Kevin's house and his stepdad Oh God, should it? Well, yeah, okay, I'll say it. Change the names or something. Yeah.

Too late. It is kind of too late. Anyway, stepdad Bob was taking a shower. Me and my friend Zach at Kevin's house. Zach saw Bob going from that small window

from the bathroom to his bedroom saw him naked. And he goes, oh Kevin fucking saw Bob's dick you fucking gross man what the hell and then

Kevin approaches his dad in front of us and he goes Bob what are you doing man Kevin Zach saw your dick and Bob goes Zach saw my dick and goes yeah Bob goes

Lucky doll Lucky doll lack a dog about 12 year old boys which is like different I think that's okay to say that's a funny I think that's a funny oh god I'm so sorry you saw my penis yeah no it was it was a wonderful moment I the other time we were at his house and his parents were clearly boning upstairs whoa and um Zach who was just cartman straight up was

cartman we're all like trying to sleep and he goes Kevin Kevin you hear that Bob's going to town on your mom Kevin I wake up shut the fuck up so good Jesus yeah

that really made me uncomfortable well you should have been there it was okay speaking of looking at penises huh

oh yes one time we went I think it was my friends like older cousins bachelor party and they were basically they were going to be doing paintball

and they said we need more guys so they we were like 14 and they said will you guys come play paint ball and we were like sure whatever but they were like lighting us up it was basically we were there and they got my friend like drops to the ground

he's like oh my god they shot me in the dick and he walks off to the side and as soon as I get out he's like Emil I need you to look at my penis it's like why and he's like I just it looks crazy And it was right, they shot them right in the tip of the penis. Oh, oh.

And it had, I don't know if it bruised in a weird way or whatever, but it had bright blue dots. On the paint. On the head of, no, it wasn't, it wasn't paint. Oh, it was just broken blood vessels probably. It was so weird. And I was like, damn. It shocked his dick into another dimension.

True. I knew a guy who drove a motorcycle around L.A. with a sidecar, and he crashed it one. time and he like went over the handlebars and just straight into his dick and groin and it bruised his dick so he looked like a black guy his his whole crotch and stuff how do you know you saw his penis he had pictures he had pictures of his penis and he showed you that how old are you i was like 32 i was picturing you was a child we were still in kid zone so i was a little scared he had pictures did he came on over yeah it was after he'd healed but he showed me and I'm like

what do you do who is this wait before we jump should we explain to the audience shoot the nerd on the jersey um boardwalk also boardwalks are such a big part of new jersey beach summer culture it's the fucking greatest place on earth also that's the other the shore does not exist in californ it's like very much an east coast thing it's not just new jersey you can it's like cape cod the hamptons all these things very much feels like the shore or whatever here It's like you just go to the beach. Right. And there's Venice, but there's, yeah, there's nothing like it.

But it's not, I guess, yeah. It's got like the chintzy. Is there games there and shit? I don't really think so. Like a boardwalk, you go and you play games. Games of chance. And you win garbage. Right.

It's like a carnival, but like fun. And they've, you know, the bad food, the fried Oreos, the Zeppelies, the funnel cakes, video games, fucking whatever you want. But one of the, one of the ones that really stuck in our mind, was back I guess in the 90s it was shoot the nerd and a guy dressed up like a nerd and you had paintball guns and you would pay a dollar and you just fucking wail on this guy that kind of look like a nerd which looking back is like that's not good explains a lot of yeah explains a lot about our American gold is it was a tonic-11 happened and it became Osama bin Laden and he could

shoot Osama bin Laden it was not the most progressive place to grow up explains another decade or two afterwards. It was a fun place but maybe we didn't realize the implications of a lot of it. If everyone was shooting the nerd, you're going to shoot the nerd too. Just don't be the nerd. I remember the first time I tried Buffalo Chicken. It was in Stone Harbor, New Jersey,

South Jersey Shore. And I was like, this is the most incredible thing I've ever had in my life. On a on a sandwich. A buffalo chicken sandwich. I just gave it just your like, damn, cool.

I'm just thinking back on all my nice short memories. It is funny to think about when something's new to you like that. Anyway, pull up this goddamn TV. Well, I just thought that this was interesting that 45% of theme park going parents with younger kids than 18 go into debt for a Disney trip. And it prompted me to find. Wait, but does that mean they like put it on a credit card and I mean, I don't know, but it's up, it's up 50% from 2022.

too. People do be going into debt to go to... Don't I technically go into debt over everything because I put it on a credit card? That's a good point. But so this is a rare... Moving on. This is a rare thing for you, folks. This is a home video of mine from digitized from VHS

of my trip to Disneyland when I was but... Wait, who did you... Two years old. Did you pay someone to do all this? Yeah, we paid a guy. Was there photos and stuff too? No, he just did videos. We just emptied out a storage unit.

Yeah? And there's so many childhood pictures and stuff like that and videos There's services to do it, but it's going to cost you, man. This cost my mom like 10 grand. What? He charged reasonable like $25 a tape which each tape is like an hour

so it worked out and you've got to do it manually and there were a lot of fucking tapes. Holy smokes. Wow. Okay, I feel uh... Get a scanner if it's photos. I'm going to have to hit the family group chat because I was like, how much going to be?

It's worth doing. I'll pay for us to get all. all of our stuff digitized? It's worth doing, man. I'm not going to pay 10 grand. 10 G's is absolutely not. I don't have 10 grand to do it. I was never going to be able to watch it.

All right, I'll say it. I don't have the 10 grand. I didn't either. That is, are you sure that feels? So anyway, this is, oh, there's Gary. This is, this is my dad narrating. $25 a tape. Yeah, how many fucking tapes were there?

We had a lot of things. Can we do the fucking math? Can we just crunch the numbers? How many hundreds of tapes? Yeah. I mean, 10,000 divided by 25. 400 tapes? Yeah, my dad fucking documented a lot of shit.

Okay, it's not going to cost me $10,000. I can get away. We don't have 400. Okay, so I'm going to set this up. Scanner for the other shit. I'm going to set this up. This is, uh, first it's going to, it's, it's my brother, Sam and my dad on Autopia. Have you been on that, right?

It's a, it's a car ride where you're in like a, it's like a go-car. It's an oversized car, but there's a middle track, but you can freely drive within the track. Oh, yeah, I've been on that. And my brother, Sam, the one in Florida maybe or something. This is a very fond memory because I remember watching these tapes when I was a kid. I think Sam's, I haven't watched this in like 15 years at least, but I think he's cracking my dad up because he keeps ramming the car into the rail.

And then after, you'll see a two-year-old and two-month-old me being exactly who I was as a toddler. which is crying until someone would put food in my mouth. I'll just scrub a little. Sam. You got to catch up to Dana. Cute. catch them oh not doing real good okay come on buddy catch up

Sam drives like shit today oh Sam you're just scared what he's going to do Sam you're failing to everything No cute here's me god it sounds like wow he really did a lot a lot

see this is my dad was more economical with the uh film yeah this is why we had 400 tapes yeah this sam fucking one take mr con oh wait here we go here's a little shithead

you hear the whining Ben, hold on. There comes to food. Is that your mom? No, that's my sister. I think she was, uh... Wow, sorry, I haven't watched this in so long. It's not as breathing as I thought.

No, it's extremely boring. Wait, wait, wait, okay. She puts food in my mouth, but the best part. This feels like when someone's like, can I tell you my dream? No, I gotta show you the best part Because this was actually a really good filmmaking on my dad's part It perfectly It's just

Right here 57 Yeah, there's a lot of long one takes there Robert Altman, home video Okay Hey, it's Roger Rabbit Hell yeah That really looked like Sam Which is weird

A little exhausted shit But there's a song that comes on right here wave your hand Ben if you want to go home okay we're gonna go then because we got to catch up with mama and Dana Sam and Nathan he sounds like me when he said buddy before yeah right here I think where's this this is on Main Street man oh hey Ben okay can you say bye bye all right that's it

i just i'm worried about the poor audio well then i'm naked in the bathtub there check that out dude my little dick yeah there we go don't okay i apologize to everybody i thought that that was going to be a lot better and faster it was definitely not quick cuts i have a lot of edit notes for pops but um dylan please edit around that so that it's faster just speed it up

Just keep it. What do you want to get it to J.D. Vance fucking a couch. Uh, yeah, I actually forgot. Dude, can you believe, sorry to interrupt, but like, from the previous podcast to this podcast, how much shit happens in the world? Oh, I mean, this has been an exceptional month. And like, another guy fucking bailing out of it. It's just like nuts, man.

It's all so fucking. Isn't that so cool he was jacking off before he shot the president? His last six was porn. I know. What kind of porn? Um, shooting the president. Um, Cheaping the president.

A solid heart. Good for him. Got to go for it. Jerking off, I mean. Good for him. You would think that it would have given him clarity afterward. I know. I should just order a pizza.

I'm sure it did. I tweeted it and I'm like, wow, he had postnut clarity and he still was like, I should shoot the president. If he even jerked off. That's incredible. Maybe he was just. That is a vision right there. Imagine just fucking empty and you're like, no, we're a go for shooting Trump.

Maybe he was doing it and he didn't come. Today still will go. He might have not come. He just edged up. Not even edged, but just got his testosterone. He's judging he wouldn't have missed. That's true. That's actually pretty true.

When you're just fucking geeked out. It's been really great seeing the J.D. Vance stuff with, I don't even know what it's from. I just am going with it. I cannot figure out where it came from, but I love that everything I'm seeing is just like, this motherfucker fucked the couch. I think it might have been from his hillbilly elegy. And he must have described being so horny that he like fucked between the couch cushions. Which everybody's a hypocrite. Every young man has done something like that.

I've definitely stuck my dick in and around and on things for sure. Not a couch, but. In and around what? Yeah, Ben, you can't really talk because you're a famous toilet. I wouldn't bring this up if I. You fucked a toilet? Yeah. That's very, you are the most like so afraid of poo-poo and butts, but all you talk about

is poo-poo and butts. I clean the toilet before I did it. You're obsessed with people using toilets, but also you fucked a toilet. There's something very interesting here. oh no I mean I'm telling you dude I don't know no you're right it's like that show with Jake Gyllenhaal right now

on Apple TV where it's like dude all the evidence points against you killing this lady wait did you guys watch it I'm like on episode 3 yeah is it bad no I liked it it's pretty good wow I wish we could talk about the ending I wish I had I'm not even there yet so you can't talk or actually maybe the listeners

will watch it I don't like to wrap up yeah I'll wait till Ben I don't like that main senator guy he's such a bitch he's like senator so did you really kill that girl who's the senator or the the prosecutor guy oh not peter sars guard i hate him too it is peter sarzgard he's such a snake oh the guy who he the other guy the other prosecutor dude he talks in a way i've never seen any it's like his jaw is yeah it's uh fucked up is it is it fucked up i don't know i'm just being who's the i can't do it he does this thing where he's like um he's got an under bite that's it what's the show called but an underbite doesn't make it so you can't move

an underbite doesn't make so you can't move your mouth no uh i think he's british Tommy i'm starting to think you have something going on with this woman yeah that's it uh wow he's not even top cast that's fucked up o t okay careful there careful there i'm just gonna say what it says o t fagbenle oh well there's another one on the thing where i'm like if i had If she wins best actress, I would, and I was the presenter, I would open it and I'd go, Ruth, not going to get me. Okay.

I think I pronounced it wrong. It's, uh, olatunde, olathehu, Olao, Loh run, O T. Okay, so it's not talking about the last thing. I think it's FABENLAY. Did you see how he got a little Italian? He went, fubene. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So. I doubt those, um, oops. names are Italian names Okay so we liked this show I thought it was shit No it's good Who's saying it's shit Adam

Rodstein I didn't like it at first He watches every bad show Damn it I will say We all clocked it I want to I'm gonna come clean at the beach

I'm gonna come clean to the people I said Because we all Someone had to make a run to get lunch And it was me And But I got

fully gotten and I said three times I said what we should do is we should come up with some kind of challenge to see who has to go get the sandwiches and Ben said I have an idea and then he just went we could do one two three not it and everyone said not it except for me and I I protested and then he said he said that's fine we'll just do it again he went one two three not it and everyone said not it with and I did not and I was really flustered And I was trying to claw my way out, but, man, I got fully fucking gotten. Good for you for owning up to it. Sometimes you just have to, uh, that was a pretty good get on his end, though.

I got to say, when I got it good and slow, too. I told Sarah, I said, I have to talk about. I got got, no, it was a really good day, but something happened and I got to talk about it. Really bad at the beach. Uh, you know who's getting got real bad? I heard on the way over here, the Olympics are like this is probably the most dystopian Olympics it's why there's so much over like they have to make it it's so secure you've heard about they brought over cops like american dude what okay i didn't understand what someone was like extra security for the american paris is pissed that lapd cops have uh brought their firearms i was like wait wait wait back up why are

why is the lapd they're also bringing their own air conditioners because you know we're in the middle of this fucking heat wave and over there it's hot and humid and disgusting so the poor athletes are they're sleeping on cardboard boxes that are like they're uh god damn it like ikea furniture that you assemble but it's cardboard and they don't have air conditioning because of like the carbon footprint they're trying to be they're trying to be uh good to the environment but it's like but it's also 110 degrees and it's the olympics can't they have some air conditioning so why did they bring over LAPD? Because of extra security, because

it's so open it's like not, I think it's because there's a lot of... For American... Here's my thing. They're bringing them for the Americans, yeah. Because Paris couldn't, they couldn't guarantee

the normal amount of security, or something. I don't know. What do you mean that, what? People don't want to kill Olympians? It's, dude, the Olympics would be a great spot to bomb. Well, I guess that's true. there have been

Richard Jewel. Was he a Patsy? Mm-hmm. He was a pansy too. He was? Anyway, they're all fucking and sucking in the Olympics and by the time this comes out, they will have done the opening ceremony.

Yeah, there was a really fun. So some people are choosing, some Olympians don't want to stay in the Olympic village. Because there's no air conditioning. Yeah. And apparently it's, depending on what your sport is, it's all spread out across the city. so it's um it's like in the north and if your stadium is in the south it's a fucking nightmare to

get around right now with all the traffic but so i think tennis for example is one of those where the rolling garro stadium is it's not about tennis it's far and the it's south and the the village is north but so a lot of people like jokovic were like i'm staying somewhere else just close to the stadium whatever and there's a quote from carlos Dakoraz where he's like, I just really want to experience the village, so I'm staying in the village, blah, blah, blah. And then someone posted a picture of him. He's just like cheesing from ear to ear with the Dutch field hockey team. He's probably just like talking. I mean, he's like a 21 year old guy. He's probably so excited. They pass, they literally pass out condoms to the, it's like

official policy to give them condom. Yeah. Imagine those beingiac fucking, just a bunch of machines going out of each other. Oh, dude. Unbelievable. They're so horny for, they're all Olympians. Except for the guys who shoot like BB guns or whatever that's born who knows are the ping pong guys pink pong guys are fit what are the ones where you don't have to be did you see the 58 year old woman that just made it no so for what ping pong yeah she's getting fucked and sucked she's probably be fucking and sucking non-stop she's probably got a grip like a damn vice yeah vice grip yeah vice grip don't want to be too tight that's the problem at the Olympics a lot of them are strong and I think it was 96

Atlanta. People were getting their dicks rip right off. That's the problem with the Olympics. A lot of them are strong. It deserve more volume. Yeah, he can't step all over. He can't not step all over a joke. Oh, isn't this? Yeah. Isn't the it's okay. I'm so sorry.

It was too funny when you said a lot of them are too strong. A lot of them are too strong. And then I said in the 1996 Olympics that they were ripping each other's dicks right off. Dicks off left them right. It's really funny. I'm so sorry. It's okay. it's all right it's the drugs what were you going to say phil don't the uh olympic villages always

suck like remember two or four years yeah there was it siberia or some shit and like they just didn't have doors and i think someone had like wolves they were like there's wolves outside was that the winter olympics yeah where there was like a really kind of rough yes yes yes that one was like particularly nasty i uh i normally do you guys watch the olympics no something times it gives me anxiety it gives you anxiety it's like so intense i love it the competitiveness it's definitely fun it's oh i just don't know which it's also the thing is a mess i'm like how do i just tune into what i want yeah you know bob costis is like how can you be in two places at once you think you're excited feel got nipples swimming on swimming is on what's the bob

Custace this thing. Yeah, just because you go on and it's like, you could watch Bob Custis right now. Covering this one, covering that one. Covering this one. Covering that one. I don't know which time these things happened at. I do think it's cute that like every four years my mom does become like a professional judge at diving.

Like she'll watch them and she go like, that's not good. Like fuck that up. I'm like, all right. Does she have a history? These are pros. No, not at all. No. She just like can tell by the splash zone.

Oh, it's all about the splash zone. It's all about the splash. You want a tiny little splash. And that's about it. I heard that they're... Wait, what are the new sports now? Surfing and bouldering? Yeah.

Dude, the competitive boulding looks insane. They're all like attached to a thing and they just like... So is it speed. It's speedless. Yeah, it's fucking so weird. I wonder how hard that is. I know.

Like if you were to do it slow. You know? Oh. It just feels... Yeah, that's a specific... That's a different thing. thing right like a speed climber like that like if you go to i i don't know i will say i don't like the did you see michael phelps come out and he's gay nice you still got it no oh come out with

because i guess some country was talking shit about american swimmers swimmers or something like that and he just he just comes out like such a hard ass and he's like you know what i would do i would let that fuel me okay that i would be thinking about that every it's shut up no not shut up that's awesome okay that's why he won all those metals he was powered by weed and just swim hard vindictiveness what are you against because he had nothing else i don't know what i'm surprised you're against it it seems very in line with your competitive spirit um i feel like the whole pod turned on me it's because i'm i know exactly what it is you're jealous of michael phelps i'm jealous of michael phelps no i don't think it's usually guys that

you think i remember one time we were at the beach of years ago and this guy came and you were like fuck that guy's so hot but you liked him actually you were like this guy's cool yeah it's all i don't know god now it's turning on me yeah what's your deal dude fuck because i usually like hot guys yeah well because they're usually nice phelps isn't no it's a it's a biased thing it's a people are nicer people think people are nice do you think he dreams about swimming definitely yeah like you ever like play a video game too long and you're like oh my god dream about the video game yeah i had to put a pause that man is auto i had a very dangerous dream when i was a kid where i was just like

fully killing people it was sick i mean something i would jacked off and went away I would close my eyes and see the video game I would do that would happen That man is for sure swimming in his dreams But I wonder if he's like struggling Lord knows he's swimming in mine You know how he did those therapy commercials For better help? I think it was for better

It was for something like that And he's like I'm Michael Phelps I'll really benefit What's the other guy Ryan? You know Ryan Lockty Yes yes I shot a commercial with him a while ago You're friends with Ryan Lockty I'm pretty close with Ryan Lachden yeah

Isn't he just as dumb as everyone says I'm not going to comment on the record he's a good guy. What did he say that was so dumb? Does we even remember? Come on, go ahead. Why is everyone saying memory hold now? I don't know.

Why is everyone saying fucking... Here we go. This is what you sound like. Me? No, it's like a tweet. They like retweet something and they're like,

this is what you all sound like. The pod's turning on me again. I don't think it was right for Michael Felt. to come out like that, it was weird. Whoa, so you don't like gay people? You don't like competition amongst swimmers? Maybe because you're so new to swimming that like you just think it's a beautiful. No, no, it was the like, I felt.

He's a soul swimmer. Hey, soul swimmer. I'm describing it poorly. He came out. It felt like weirdly nationalistic and like weird. It's the Olympics. That's where nationalism is encouraged. No, but it's.

It's more about coming together. To compete. I'm not defending any of this. Should we get rid of it? What's the benefit of this? I think we should not have it in L.A. in 2028. That's going to be a fucking nightmare. But why does it feel like it just tanks every place it goes?

Because it costs them so much money and they don't get anything but two weeks in return. Why don't we just like fucking knock it off? Like what is? I truly think we should. I kind of think we should knock it off. We're just hosted in the same place every year, Antarctica, a neutral place. inviting millions of people to come every year

and just like flood an already overcrowded place it's stupid I actually kind of like that like make a pick a place yeah uh Greece maybe we're the first Olympics fuck it yeah

maybe you make it like uh how in certain sports you got the same playing field not in baseball though baseball field is different oh I thought that was crazy that they play on different they don't play on regular

how fucking crazy is that how do you not regulate how far back the wall is. Well, it makes... This one's 390 feet, but this one's only... This is an easy part. It makes record keeping so wonky.

Yes. If a guy hits a lot of home runs and he plays for a stadium with short... With short fences... Well, I guess it evens out because everybody... Well, no, that's not true because, like, the Dodgers play more games at Dodgers Stadium than any other team. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

So it depends where your home stadium is. That makes the Dodgers even better because their stadium is so damn huge. 390? I think 410 and 390? 410. Or I think 410 is 400 in center field. And then I want to say maybe 350 or 320. I could look it up, but it's more of a mystery.

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Baseball is a mystery like that. I struck out in softball last night. I struck out. Does that happen rarely? I feel like I was a strikeout. It's rare to strike out because it's just, I swung way too hard. Huh.

And then I missed a ground ball to bounce right off. You want to hear about a real, no, no, a real strikeout? What? metaphorically yeah yeah so you know how we have those we have those like big bottles of water that sit on the little dispenser it's like a big

glass water bottle yeah yeah they're so fucking heavy and every time we get them I'm like this fucking sucks like I'm gonna either hurt my back and I've thought about like what happens if one of these fucking breaks oh god and I don't know if it was the heat or whatever but they came yesterday oh my and I was about to go to therapy and I said you know what I should bring these in so Sarah doesn't have to

there are four fucking so heavy glass things full of water like huge and I get one in set it down fine I bring the second one in and I go to set it down as soon as it touches the tile it feels like it just pops and it slices open my wrist Phil you probably saw it but Phil doesn't watch my stories I posted a picture of it on the story and I was like holy shit water everywhere it was like breaking a aquarium I couldn't believe it and I'm looking at Kevin going and like, what the fuck are we going to do? And there's carpet in there. Everything is fucking drenched.

All the shoes are drenched. And there's just huge, sharp pieces of glass everywhere. And I'm trying to make it to therapy. So I just start picking up pieces. I cut myself more. I get glass stuck in my hands. I'm bleeding from like four places in my hands. Sounds like a bad dream, man.

It was awful. And I'm trying to call my therapist to be like, I'm going to be late. You go to therapy in person. Yeah. Oh, God. it was yeah wow sometimes every now and then something happens

and you just go this is fucking fat I was living in New York and my radiator burst and a bunch of brown water was shooting out into my bedroom and I remember just looking at

and going like wow like this is fascinating you just sort of like take a little bit outside of yourself you go like this is so bad I remember looking at the water spreading out in slow motion it felt like it was in slow motion

and I was going like I don't even know where to start. And it had only happened one other time. I was on the phone with my... It was probably like 2018. I was on the phone with my mom. And I was having the worst fucking day. And I was like, I fucking hate it here.

I should just move back to New York, blah, blah, la. And so I'm like doing the laundry well. And I had one of these huge cost co laundry detergent things. And as I'm doing, I like shut the dryer. It topples off, cracks open, and just starts leaking detergent everywhere. And I'm like, how do you feel? fucking clean. I bonged my elbow pretty hard yesterday.

That's always tough too, bud. I bonked it so hard. Going to dry off my face. And I bonged it on the door handle. And I thought it was broken. It infected my sleep. I couldn't sleep. It bruised me pretty hard.

That'll fuck up your whole day. Anyway, that's a wrap on this episode, everybody. Well, we can, if you guys need a break, we can just go right in. I got to pee so bad too. Everyone get in the ocean and piss. What are we at? Group piss. oh wow that's perfect well benemmillshow.com if you want to sign up and we're going to go into the bonus

wow what a great episode we hope you guys have a good time wait some block and we might do ketamine in the bonus episode we literally mean from mike why not