The Ben and Emil Show - PP 17: Tom Hanks isn't Sexual

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

Guys, sorry, but we're not talking about Israel and Palestine this week. We're talking about why Tom Hanks is NOT sexual, deepfakes, CROCS GOT COWBOY BOOTS, when to put your dog down, fish food (it is good), Tom Brady's standup special, Crocs' Cowboy Boots, Birkenstocks did an IPO, Ben's girlfriend still uses AOL, Ask Jeeves, MSN. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, guys, we got a pretty great episode for you today. We're going to be talking about why Tom Hanks isn't sexual. We're going to be talking about deep fakes. Crox got cowboy boots. Crox got boots. Crox got boots. We're going to be talking about when you should put your dog down. How do you know?

How do you know when it's time? Fish food, it smells good, and you can't tell me otherwise. Tom Brady's hilarious hour of stand-up. That's right. And Crocs did get boots. Crocs got boots. We will talk about that. Birkenstocks is.

IPOing and talk about Birkin's docs brother and also um to emil's surprise my girlfriend still uses aOL she's got aOL email an aOL email account and she's never heard of google she only uses ask yeah that's right and uh yeah we we talk about ask jeevs ms it's really but she grew up in staten island so she keeps writing ax jives cue the intro leave it Okay, just real quick, just to get out of the way, we are, um, this is a weird episode for us to do. I'm, this is a weird time for everyone. It's been, um, an awful weekend and beginning of the week. We're filming this on a Tuesday.

And we're, I don't know. We see what a lot of you say online. We see what happens on the Reddit. And we know there are some people who are really looking forward to some kind of like confrontation between us, I would say. Or some kind of dunking on each other. And neither of us are really interested in that or like have the stomach for it. uh we're not geopolitical experts and we're not going to pretend to be and we don't feel like it would be um constructive for this show or in the spirit of this show to do so and if you have a problem

with that you can go pound sand yeah and if you would like to have a conversation with either of us you are welcome to message either of us and um get more color on uh not only this subject but whatever subject but yeah mostly it'll cost you with pals and that's what the show is and sometimes it's okay to be pals with not sometimes it's always okay to be pals with um people you might disagree with i think maybe anyone has had a i'm sure there's a lot of people who have had conversations this week where they've felt very far away from dear friends and then maybe either met up with them or talk to them on the phone and going like, ah, Jesus Christ, we're fucking so close. We're right there.

Yeah. And I think I don't know if this was part of the other conversation, but I think that there's just something to be said for social media and how counterproductive it has become. in part, actually not in part, but I would entirely attribute that to how it has wired our brains to seek the dopamine hit of, like you said, dunking on another person and pursuing cheap internet points for trying to make them look dumb and you look smart or you look witty and them look absolutely inept. Right.

And I think that the experience that we both had with people being given an inch and taking a mile is a perfect example of that. Where you say one thing and people say, oh, so you mean this, this and this? Well, yeah, no, we're not even, we're just not going to go there and we're not going to do that. Right. And yeah, I don't know. I don't want people to feel like this is a cop-out. not. I think this is more us trying to be, um, not be the like internet guys who, uh, pretend to be something they're not. And I'm not daddy Hassan, okay? I'm just not Hassan Piker. I'll never be

hot enough. Don't say that because that's not, I'm not presuming that he is that thing. I'm not calling anyone out here. You're not calling him hot? I'm not calling him a person who pretends to be something he's not. Gotcha. I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not, which is someone who does a comedy show with his friend where we fucking, you know, take the piss out of a lot of things. But I think it's, uh, it goes without saying, but we'll say it anyway that like neither of us are happy about what's going on. Neither of us support violence, killing, murdering of anyone, civilian or otherwise. I can't speak for Ben, but I assume that's probably the case. Neither of us support war or any of these things and uh yeah support war of the world's great movie so

yeah and we feel sorry that everyone has to like go through this stuff constantly and just bear witness to suffering um you know i was talking to a friend about there needing to be a national mushroom day in as much as there is a 420 weed holiday to come up with some kind of national collective consciousness yeah something like that you think that's going to solve it i don't mean not even saying that's going to solve like that i've definitely at least to your state side it would be pretty tight i've had that acid thought i feel like everyone's had that been like so high on acid and it's like everybody should feel this if we could just get him in the room if we could just get him in the room with a tab brother just like the highest guy yeah standing near an outdoor sculpture i feel like if we

could just get everyone a tab i'm still so jealous of you haven't gone to yosemite on acid it just seems like it was the most beautiful thing and i would like to say if i could just get everyone a tab and send them to yosemite i think maybe it'd be a much beautiful much more beautiful world i feel so cool when we tell people that we snuck acid into japan don't tell japan is like what what yeah have you ever seen acid it'd be the easiest thing to you could put it between your fingers and just walk through the metal detector and they'd ask why are you holding your fingers like that are you about to blast me like finger finger blast me and you go and you put your hand in your mouth i'm doing this for the audio listener by the way real fast i just got to tease it crox got boots oh crox did get boots croxed go boots wait so back up what you just said actually by the way this episode's going to be we're going to be weird we're going to be not even weird we're just going to play it fast and loose yeah i'm going to have weird eyes by the way brother you got to do something about these chairs because they are falling apart uh actually talk to the

set guy i actually have no control oh yeah the set guy's got a and we also got a squeaky chair don's there's got the squeaky chair we're trying new things with the camera we've only this time because the other two are potatoes we will be selling them on depop so girls only basically What is Deepop? It is a girls-only fashion website. Do they really only have girls only? It's only girls. It's only girls, yeah. That feels...

It's where girls go to sell their clothes to other girls. Is it like grailed? Yeah, which is the boy version. Grilled is the boy. No, that's the boys only? Dylan, I'm doing a bit. Fuck. I honestly believed you.

I was just looking at the crox. By the way, this is a Dylan episode also. What does that mean? It means you're actively part of the conversation. You're going to have to just put a face of yours. I want to. time um my friend said he went to a uh he went to a place because he used class pass and i like fuck his class oh that yeah but i don't know why for a second and i just fully said isn't class pass

only for girls i was like class pass no the coles card is only for girls uh i got to get on depop and grilled i um why to buy stuff or sell stuff sell, I think. What are you trying to sell, dude? Just like, I don't like seeing clothes I have. You use your platform. Come on. I just got a great idea.

Go get them. I just got a great idea. We do a garage sale on. That's such a great idea. I have so many clothes too. Where you're like, I don't. But we should donate them, right? Goodwill doesn't need our shit though.

Fuck, Goodwill. I mean, I love Goodwill. Fuck. I'm cutting that out. Wow. Dylan, that is the most problematic thing I think I've heard all week. here's i i fucking what do they have like glass from air one for 599 oh yeah the almond's jar yeah almonds jar that had a cashew actually here's what i'll say about goodwill in l.a though and all the

thrift stores every fucking um wardrobe person like oh yeah cleans them out so you get there and you're like you know but if you go to like st louis you're like digging through the coolest shit yeah You're pulling out ZZ Top Shirts from like 1978. I miss my... You guys growing up, did you have your dad's big shirts? Did you call them big shirts? Yeah, I covered your dick and everything. And it made me think, God, my dad's a huge dude.

I mean, seeing his naked dick also made me think that. I saw his dick in a healthy context. Everyone saw their dad's dick. Everyone saw their dad's dick. But... I saw mine in an unhealthy context. You saw your own dick or your dad's dick? I never seen my own dick.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What was me looks? Whoa, yeah, big shirts, big shirts, big shirts. We had some cool-ass shirts, man. My dad had some really cool shirts now that I'm looking back, and we just, I don't know where they are. Someone's probably lining a birdcage with them. That would be really ineffective to line a birdcage with the shirt. Every day I think about my dad's pink 5K shirt.

Every day? Maybe not every day. Also, I'd like to correct the record. I don't think about it every day. I have, our, my family has hundreds of pounds of VHS and mini DV tapes. But that's sitting. Yeah, but that, I'm just going on that line of just crap. It's not crap, it's precious.

There's such good shit on those tapes that I can't wait to get digitized so that I can then, I don't know, put on the internet or something. There's one of me, like, touching my dick in the bathtub when I'm like three and my dad tries to, oh, wait, no, I'm sitting there touching, not touching my dick and he goes oh ben look a spider and i go like that and immediately grab my penis you got to cover the that's just one that's just one baby there's so many great i would like to digitize everything my buddy uh joe is coming in he's a real person he's coming to town with his uh vhs digitizing equipment and i'm going to give him all of our cass cass and whatnot how much you can pay him i have no idea i think it's uh i i think it's uh i I don't know.

I don't know if he does it by weight or by time. Joe, whatever he's offering you, I'll double it. Why? So you just can get done quicker? I've got that equipment. You do? Yeah. I also think we should undigitize everything.

I think we should print out the internet just in case. Can you imagine printing out the internet, man? I can. I'm starving. I didn't thinking about it. By the way, I got to say, because like I said, we're going to be jumping around this episode, But I saw, I don't know where, saw it somewhere online that Google fucks around with our search results.

And it's part of an ongoing thing that the FTC is pursuing with them, wherein, if you look at the coding, like if you were to search khaki pants, it takes that. It doesn't just show you khaki pants. It shows you, okay, the metadata shows that they are instead, it's basically they've bastardized search. searched and made it so that they can make more money by showing you more ads instead of actual search results and that goes against their supposed like duty or what the fuck ever again i'm butchering it as a search engine can i tell you something no fuck go ahead go ahead go ahead uh i don't if you've noticed but remember like i noticed everything Zuckerberg was crying about like apple fucking made it hard for us to track a shit no our ads are all bad dude they hacked into the mainframe

and they're like they're fucking they know my shit like that's why i want to sell clothes because like every day i go on and they're like hey i got a jacket that you're gonna fucking flip for like shit but where are they selling the jacket is it like some chinese brand no no it's like that's the thing they used to be like hey brand you've never heard of and now it's like no we know the brand you like what's the brand you like i'm not the other one because if anyone else gets the jacket i'll kill my i'm gaykeeping it but you don't know what the jacket is yeah do i bought it Well, then who cares?

Oh, they only have a few. I'm not giving anyone this jacket. Okay. Can you tell me the brand that makes it? Oh, is it, okay. What? That's the brand. I'll tell you all here.

Fuck. Is it here yet? Uh-huh. Why don't you go try it on? And this is what sucks. I'm dealing with so much guilt. That's why I got to sell the clothes because I'm like, dude, it's like 90. It came in the mail.

It was 93 degrees outside. So? Oh, okay, you got a jacket. Well, everybody knows that. eventually gets colder. Let's hope so. Children get old. Oops, can't do that.

No, you can. Copyright. You can sing for five seconds at a time. Man, did you guys hear that Crocs got boots? I heard, we're not going to get, but we're not going to get into that right now. Not yet.

We are going to talk about how Cox got it. Guess what website I'm on? What website are you on? Askjeeves.com. It still works. I'm just saying. You know, they're for their top article? Huh.

Oh, they've got articles? I thought it was strictly a search motor. So, so do I. If Google's a search engine. Ask Jeeves is a search motor. Go on ask.com real quick. Oh, my God. I was just trying to think of an alternative to Google's Monopoly.

The top reasons to get an Amazon Prime video subscription. Which question of the day. How low can you possibly go? Oh, man, this is like, oh, you know what you should go to? MSN.com. Hey, if you're out there and you got an MSN email address, just give up. You should just stop. No.

My girlfriend has an AOL. Why? Email address. It was set up for her and she just kept it. I've got an AIM. That's crazy. You still haven't. Well,

AIM doesn't exist. No, it still works though. How does she have an AOL? I can log in the AOL with my AIM. Wow, MSN.com is like taking forever to load. What a shocker.

Wait, wait. Where do you even go to log in? On what? AOL. I don't know. How does she access her email? AOL.com? Yeah, AOL.

There's no way. Yeah, you can do it. I thought it was like defunct. No, aim is defunct. I think. Still got the email. Dude, it's not loading. There's no way to check your email.

I think it's because your internet is busted, dude. What'd you do? What'd you do to it? You pour spin drift on your sins? It probably shut down because we went to ask.com, aOL. com, MSN.com. There's cobwebs all over the coding or something. Truly.

Oh, there goes MSN. I'm so curious how your girlfriend checks her email. On aOL.com. And what comes out? It's still very much, I mean, there's AOL News. Says the guy who's still using Reddit Classic mode, dude, fuck off. Also, man, I got to tell you guys, those of you out there who are fans of Meg, my dog, she's, uh, she's, uh, her, her back legs are so in such poor shape when she poops sometimes,

she slips and falls in her own poop. But I have a, I have a, I turn it into a bag because I have a little harness that I turned her into a bag. Yeah. Ew, what? I stick a harness under her and it's got a little. Oh, I thought you were using her as the ship bag. Oh, no. How would I even do that?

Put it back in there. I had a funny moment because I'm dog sitting her down at my mom's, um, uh, she lives in an, or retirement community. And, uh, there's old people just everywhere. You've never seen so many old people. I mean, these people are, I had a moment this morning. morning with a caretaker of another old lady. I'm walking old, old Meg, and this lady's got her old lady with her walker, and we both just go, give each other a knowing look. I've got my dog. You got the lady. And then, well, and then this morning, what? Well, and then this morning, this woman

walked past, and as she's coming up, she looks at the dog and gives like a, and then looks at me, And I look down at Meg and I look up at her and I go, attack. And it was just a fun little thing at 7 in the morning. Do you think your family will be able to put her down? Make the call when it's time. Yeah, that's kind of what we're all discussing in the group chat. You never want to be the family who's just like. Oh, yeah.

Well, how do you? So before we get into Crocs, got boots. I just did this. What? Did you have a thought? Yeah. How did you decide if you don't want to talk about it? You don't have to.

by the way aol.com works and there's mail i'm here we can sign into our aOL okay okay i mean how did i it just there's nothing you could do it's just irreversible yeah happened quick too yeah happen quick but some so i just went through this my brother had a old he basically had our family dog so it was very old and it just died and how old 15 and big dog little dog half black lab half boxer big dog medium big but yeah like um not nearly as big as a black lab like it's small and kind of cool um but last thanksgiving i mean you know they the dog was at a point where it would shit the bed every night and they it couldn't walk down the stairs they live in san francisco they got to care of the dog like down the stairs every day just to go out.

Was the dog still eating? Yes. Yeah. Dog had to put... Dog. Dog. She just stopped eating for like two weeks or something. That's when you know.

When they stop eating, it's when they're going like, all right, I'm at the end. But they... So wild. My brother said, you know, you would tell me if you thought I should put her down, right? I was like, oh, I didn't know you were open to it. I was like, I think you should put her down. Right then and there. It was just like...

When was that? Last Thanksgiving. And then they put her down probably in like January, February. Yeah. But, you know, dogs are pretty good about just being like, this is my life. They're very good at being stoic, especially women dogs, because women, human women are good at being stoic. Are they? Yeah, dude.

Look at your mom. She's awesome. And she's so strong. Stoic equals awesome and strong. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, what do you think it's negative to be stoic? Hey, dude, you're being you're stoic?

No, no. Hey, bro, that's pre-cap of you to be so stoic. But I don't necessarily, I'm not like, it's not usually a thing where you're like, oh, man, you're so stoic. True. But to describe a woman as stoic, I would say is a compliment. especially coming from a man which is where women love to get compliments the most

show the boots show them the boots well we'll get there they did get boots we will get boots we will get there I don't think that we're we'll get there eventually but I'm going to keep the image up here just in kidding

wait so anyway we were talking about I forgot I totally forgot how we got You're talking about AOL. Her cat has been shitting on the couch, which is really annoying on her couch. Oh, it was whether or not you think you'll know when it's time. Oh, yeah. No.

I, oh, dude. One time we were at the, we were at the vet in my town growing up. And this family we knew brought their dog in and we were just like, Jesus Christ. What was the dog? Just like fucking not a lot. And we were like, they were like, damn, he's probably being putting down, put down. And he's just getting some blood work done. Truly, we see him like walk out just like withholding it.

And I'm like, my God, what are you going to do? Like, you know those dogs where they're just like mostly tumor. And it's like, he's so happy. Yeah. She's got brain coming out of his head. Yeah. Meg has, because her back legs, like, she's scraped them. She's got like all kinds of, I mean, they've healed up, I guess, but she's got.

like scabs from her knuckles dragging on the ground but she still poops she still pees she still gets happy to see me when i come home and and rolls around with me a little bit it's obviously not easy i don't want to sound callous no i've i don't mean to sound callous but dude we've put five of them i mean yeah at a certain point i'm a pro you got to make a decision for the dog because it's like yeah they uh i wanted to get her a wheelchair a dog wheelchair but my mom insisted that that wasn't a good idea because she wouldn't be able to do it I don't like the thing she does where she just, it makes me feel bad when she's just like, who?

Your dog. Oh, oh. Where she's just like kind of staring. Oh, yeah. Well, she's, so that's another thing. She has dog dementia. Yeah. And she has, it's like she's a textbook case.

No. I think she's just like this morning, she slept until nine. And I kind of, I went in and was like, okay, come on. You got to get up. You got to go out and poop and pee because I got to leave in a little bit. And she looked at me and she said, okay and she said okay she didn't she was kind of a huge breakthrough i know and uh we went outside and she peed but then just kind of stood there and just kind of it was like her it wasn't

even her appreciating the the beautiful morning it was her just you could tell she was going where am i what did i come on here for that's what she does she paces around the house and then we'll just kind of find herself in a corner and just like be panting like up against the wall. It's funny when you describe it, but I don't like seeing it. Yeah. I mean, we're going to get her some dog Xanax, so, which is just human Xanax. Right.

But the vet prescribes it. And then you got to be careful with Xanax because they're a benzo and you take too many benzos and you get plugged up. I am. I had a friend in high school who called me Benzzo. You get plugged up? If you take too many benzos, yeah. You get plugged up for sure.

Man. What? Does that ruin your weekend? No, no, no. I just, the only time I've ever done, there was like a very brief period of my life where, uh, I thought it was like a party drug and would like, Xanax and Klanapin and, um, yeah, they did a good job marketing that. The CIA did a good job and Valium. But they're awful to, you have like, you take one and you drink like two beers and you're like, oh, I guess I'm gone. Yeah. Did Lil Zan die? Did he die? No, I think you're talking about little peep. Oh, no, no, Crox got boots. Well, Crox did get boots, and we will get to that. But before we get to that, did Lil'Zan? Recently?

Little Peep died? Of Xanax? I don't remember. He died of Xanax? Oh, God. Man, that's a problem. It's always fentanyl. Was it fentanyl?

Little peep died? Yeah. Today we're going to get to Crox got boots, but we also have to tackle the fentanyl problem. I mean there were a couple like if we're going to shift gears and go sad mode there were I don't want to do that we could okay what's this there well just because last year there were um there were a couple high schoolers at the at a local high school who took some party drugs I think it was what's the one that that rapper raps about percassette Molly percocet yeah Molly percocet yeah that guy Must have been tough for my friend Molly Perkissette to have that song blow up.

Yeah, that would suck to have that name. You know what I think the worst name to have would possibly be? Dick Buckkiss. Close. Shit. Adolf Bad Sex, I think would probably be the worst name to have. Did you know? I mean, think about it.

Adolf bad sex? Imagine your name is Adolf. First of all, Adolf would be a terrible first name to have because of Hedler. What about last name? Because of Adolf Hitler. I would just change it to Adi. Well, but then your last name is bad sex. And every woman that you encounter is going to think, hmm, if your last name is bad.

Andrea's last name is Adolf, our friend, and her dad, his license plate, just says Adolf. Kind of love that. We should reclaim Adolf. And it's a black Volkswagen. Oof, that's actually not Joe at all. The people's car. I just realized that. You know,

you know, why would he make his, why would he do that to his license plate? Is he German? Why we do? I don't know. Okay, if they allow Adolf as a license plate, do they allow Hitler?

Is someone out there with a Hitler license plate, or is that one of the ones where you can't do it? I don't know. Cross got boots. Hitler license plate. Um, okay, now it's showing me actual pictures of Hitler in his car. That's going to be a tough one to Google, my man. Yeah.

What do you think Hitler's license plate did say, though? Um, it probably, uh, well, I can tell you right now, it actually said IA 6629. I actually 6692, brother. IA.103708 on this one on that giant Mercedes. Uh, A7308. I, I know I'm not the first to point this out, but I do love that one of Hitler's, I think, a comedian had this as a bit but he had his you know you had the whole i'm not going to do it but do his bit the the full on heil hitler with the full on arm out okay careful but then there's the

one that he would do to like the when they would do it to him he would just kind of go he would do this one oh right he just kind of goes hey yes i'll to you he's absorbing it yeah oh that's right yeah it's like blowing him a kiss yeah the the the hale hitler salute blows hitler blows the a kiss. What a weird guy. Hitler? Yeah. Just a sexless little freak.

He wasn't sexless? I don't think he was having sex. He had a girlfriend. Later, Eva Braun. But before he thought, he had a weird fucking thing with, what is it, Magda? Gables' wife.

Gerbils? It's not gerbils. I thought it was gerbils. It's like Gables. Oh. So his wife? He plugged her? No.

He had some, like, weird emotional attachment to her and he thought she they called her like the first lady of the third rike a real fucking sicko she was or he was all of them did you ever see the video they fucking knew what they did did you see him the shaking at the olympics or whatever because he's so high on meth hitler yeah no you've never seen that video of hitler shaking because he's so high on meth i don't watch hitler on meth dude you should watch more hitler videos uh or wait blitzed on cocaine oh man oh yeah here i think it is I think it's right here.

Yeah, check this out. Yeah, see him on... Oh, yeah, he's grinding his teeth. He's grinding his teeth. Yeah, he was watching Jesse Owens show him what black excellence is all about. Damn, dude. What?

Nothing. I just, in that book, Nazi billionaires, they have her... They have Magda Gables's Gables. I don't know. Whatever. They have her letter to her son. Adolf?

No. Gables Jr. It's one of the quants because it's from the previous marriage. He gets it after she dies. It's just sick. She writes this letter where she talks about how she's going to kill her six children in the bunker.

It's just fucking brutal. So she sends a letter to one of her sons from a different marriage saying, she was married to Gunther Quant, who was this German industrialist, real bad guy. did you finish the book by the way yes nazi billionaires it sounds like a really good book and i really do want to read it but is there like a side screen that i can watch subway surfers while i read it

probably okay you probably hook that up on an e-reader but yeah uh she just goes yeah it's like she talks about how she knows that uh gables's children would not be accepted in the world and at least He's a quant. And so she has to fucking kill her six children. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she could have just changed their names, but I guess killing them is probably just as well. By the way, I saw, speaking of having the split screen

and Subway Surfer, I saw a video. It was pretty great of the Saw movie, and the girl turns and saw comes up and goes, hello, I'd want to play a game or whatever. And it's a split screen showing her, It's pretty good, right? Pretty great. What was the AI thing that we were talking about right before this?

You're talking about like the Meadows new AI? Oh, the deep fakes? No, the Kendall Jenner is like, no, I'm not Kendall. I'm your sister. Oh, oh, no, no, no. I'm not Mr. Beasts. I'm the funniest guy in the world. I'm your brother.

Have you seen that? Mr. Beast? Mr. Beast, there's an AI, and he's supposed to be like a funny guy. He's not playing Mr. Beasts. he's not Jimmy. He's an AI you talk to to be funny. I don't know.

Look it up. Well, wait, it was the Donald Trump talking to Walter Jr. Where you said this is the perfect use case of AI is just making funny shit, even though that's not made with AI. We probably should be, but usually

it just turns into Donald Trump and Joe Biden playing Minecraft. Kind of sick. I kind of want to see that. I mean, it's, look at all. Donald Trump and Joe Biden playing Minecraft. Oh, yeah, with Obama. I mean, well, but we got to get to

Crocs got boots I mean I'll cut it out if it's I do wait Biden playing Minecraft Trump Yeah And I'll

Okay The presidents play Minecraft Trump Biden and Obama Oh great It's a fucking commercial For the farmer's dog Damn I hey brother

My dog ate My dog ate I will say Meg ate dog shit for food For all of her And she's 15 So What do you mean

dog shit. Oh, not actual dog shit. No. She ate kibble. Dogs often eat shit. True. She never did. She was smarter than that. Very smart. I'm sure she ate shit at one point. Also, she might have when she was a baby.

My mom's other dog eats rabbit poop all the time because there's rabbits all over the fucking place. Dog is a little rabbit poop. Dude, what is it? Yeah. She was like, give me that. It's it. I don't understand. You don't want some little pellets from times of time? I mean, yeah. Who doesn't want little pellets? By the

the way someone criticized me once for liking the smell of fish food on this show it was me literally like it was on the zach and walee episode it smells so good fish food smell is good let's see if other people agree computers do smells now right you could look up a smell look at this look at no uh if i could if someone out there once oh look at those fish flakes the smell of fish flakes hmm okay wow i didn't even know i was nostalgic for me this was nostalgic for me until i thought about it thank you for this weird reminder what's the which subreddit are we on uh we're on r slash nostalgia this person the taste of fish flakes hmm quite salty my brother and i used to eat a tiny bit of occasionally we were weird i'd be i don't like that dude man i should get some

wow i should get some fish i'm an adult now i can buy my own fish food no problem i should buy some fish food and keep it by my bedside and just smell it every so off that's such a great idea what's it made of what's it made of your girlfriend would be like let's talk she would no she would she'd be like hey if that's what she loves me she'd like if that's what you're into i hope she wouldn't understand why do you have this fish food here i like the smell i was you know what it's a slippery slope before you start eating fish food i would take a pinch if the fish can eat it why can't i if it's good for them it's good for me it's just salt What is it, though?

Fish food? Yeah, what is that shit? I bet you could look up the ingredients. Can you imagine working in a fucking fish food factory? That's fine the closest one. Let's do the next episode of the Fish Food Factory. I just want to ask, and that's not to knock anybody. You know, everybody's got to work.

I'm not going to, it's like the same people who go, we shouldn't give fast food workers a raise because then that teaches them to stay in fast food. It forces them to stay there and not strike. to achieve something else, fuck yourself. You should be able to strive. If you want to strive to work at McDonald's and make a good living, you're entitled to that. And if you want to freaking take over the fish

fish food factory, we support you. I should disrupt fish food. I should barge into the fish food factory and disrupt the whole day. What do you think it's made of? Nobody really knows, actually. But let me check. Come on.

I think you hit play on the. God, I hate that. How it's made. Was this an actual how it's made episode? Seems that way. This is a... Those are like 30 minutes long. Dude, a Greek guy uploaded this.

His name is Panos Eggelsos. Panos Egelsos. Oh, hell yeah. And it's Tetra. Him fish. We're invented in the middle of the last century. And what a difference this invention has made. Okay.

Honey, how was your day? we did an episode on how fish food is fucking made that's awesome I need yeah but do you know how many dads this is making happy my dad loved how it's made dude my dad discovered the history channel in the hospital when he got like back surgery and then we got the history channel after that but then it turned into fucking storage wars and all that bullshit or whatever yeah my dad i don't even know how he did it when my dad was out here when we did the live show in l.a you're staying with me he got fish food no i don't even watch the i don't like the TV can get weird channels.

Oh, yeah. All of a sudden, every time I turn on the TV, it's like fucking the military channel. Which is an offshoot of the history channel. Right. And it's just, but it's just going into like the most obscure Roman battles. And then like they got, they got a guy who he looks at obscure weapons and he has, and he has a guy and he holds a, he holds a, because he's all, he's got the guys in armor and stuff. Oh. And so he takes these obscured ways.

And it's just hitting. Oh, the like ballistic human. Yeah. That's cool. I love it. It's so lame. And he's like, you can really see why this would be a massive advantage in battle. I wouldn't mean that's lame.

That's cool. Man. Okay. An opportunity to connect with your father. Ooh, check this out. Fish were fed live food from rivers and streams. Okay. boring. Get to the part.

Damn, look at them go for those. Nuggets. That's catfish right there. The main components are fish meal. Wheat flour. Ooh, wheat flour. Soy and paprika oils. What is what these pathetic little tupperware?

No, but like, what table is this? It was. Oh. It's soy sauce? Wait, is that what they? That's why it tastes and smells so good. It's soy sauce. Why don't just look up the ingredients?

I don't know. That's too much. It's too many steps. Damn, dude, do you think tetrafin is just run by one guy? I mean, this guy's making one batch by himself. That's enough to feed a million fish. You see what they eat. They literally eat a pinch of food.

You ever fed a fish? I've fed fish, yeah. Yeah, I have. Now that's... I've flushed a fish. Man, now that is a pet where the cleanup is easy when they're dead. You just flush them down the toilet. When they're dead.

When they're dead. When they're dead. But cleaning while they're alive, horrible. Tough, yeah, tough. You got to get in that. I don't even remember what the thing was. We had the weird pump. You had to pump out all the water.

The fuck. All we did was take the fish out, put it in it's a smaller Tupperware thing, and then empty the water and put in fresh water and treat the water. You guys were, like, scooping it out. No, no, we had a pump. Jesus, guys. Dang. Speaking of toilets and flushing.

I cannot, every time I have to, like, fix a toilet. Ben always comes back to toilets. Guilty. It's a marvel of modern engineering. The toilet? Yeah. Doesn't need electricity. How do you feel when you're in a country that you have to put the toilet paper in a little trash can?

You mean Mexico? There are many countries that do it. Um, I, uh, well, first of all, I wouldn't have to do that because I bring my travel bidet now, but when I do wipe my ass to dry it off, um, yeah, I'm gonna, what do I think? I think that it's, no, how do you feel? I guess I've, nobody's ever asked me that before. Nobody's ever asked me how it makes me feel. Thank you. How does that make you feel? It makes me feel. Are you going to therapy right now? No. Dude, me neither. Fuck that shit. Yeah. It makes me feel concerned that the poop paper is going to stink in the trash can. Yeah, but it doesn't really. I used to feel that way. No, and then I'll see it in the trash can and go like, ugh.

Well, usually they have a lid. True. It is remarkable that the poopy toilet paper doesn't smell. How long you've been therapy free? I don't know, a couple months. Nice. Because this one therapist that I, this new one that I started seeing, kept out asking me, how does it make you feel to hear me say that?

and she would just say that she would talk for like five minutes how does that make you feel to hear me say that i'm like um even if i didn't have an answer i'm like okay i guess i got a that makes me feel like you just said that uh yeah and and then she did i would then when she'd be saying something i'd be sitting there waiting i'm just like she's gonna ask me how that fucking feels to hear her say that would you do it and i don't know how to what and she would do it and she would go How does it feel to hear me say that? And I just go, fuck. You know, I guess it may, because it's not, I feel like that phrasing isn't correct.

It's not, how does it feel? It's just like, what do you think about that? Because then I would say what I think about it, but it would feel weird to phrase it as how it makes me feel. These, these crock boots are, we'll get to it, but. The crock boots? Can they see the crockboots? Yeah, they can see them. Oh, yeah, we were, we were supposed to play, um, the president's playing Minecraft. So, let's just, I've thought about it recently. And I think we're ready to join your Minecraft realm. Sorry about yesterday. Pixel gun 3D was so fucking fun yesterday, bro.

Trump, you really missed out. Yeah, yeah. Whatever guys, I'm going to reset the realm and we can all start from fresh cool. See, this is to, uh, this sucks. What's, well, okay, which one am I supposed to I don't worry about it. Look up the Mr. Beast meta-a-I thing. You know why I like the Walt Jr. one? Why? Because, like, it feels very realistic. Yeah, and I think it's the real.

I think it's guys doing impressions. It's not AI. Oh. Yeah. Wait, which one am I picking? Mr. Beast is a meta-AI with this guy who looks like me, but hotter? I was going to say, that's you. I don't know.

These YouTube's not. Mr. Beast. Oh, oh, oh, the fake ads, you mean? No. Because there's a AI from META that's like He's supposed to be your older brother The situations they've come up with

They're very strange So he's not Mr. Beast He's the comedy AI And he's supposed to be your older brother And he's your funny older brother It's very confusing Weird Okay let's check this out

All of our instrows Stolen Okay shut the fuck up Get to the part This is what you guys are like This is what you guys are like What do you mean This is what we're like

I don't know just random insult but but what this is like this guy oh god i'm so glad that i don't have fucking classes anymore why if you're out there and you wear glasses get with the program remember how pissed people were that you lost your glasses well i didn't i i didn't lose them but no yeah no i know but they weren't part of your persona anymore yeah you are a different guy he's gotten leaner leaner he's gotten meaner fuck you for saying he's gotten um Some would say cooler and sexier. He fucks way more.

Yeah, yeah, 10 times more. Does it in a different way? Yeah, I do it upside down. I'm upside down and she has to hold me up. So she gets a pretty good look at my taint and bow. She's like she's a pile driving. Like a bully shaking. Yeah, but I'm naked.

But I'm naked. Right. Yeah. And I don't know where my penis is and all this, but or what it's doing. her vagina oh yeah her vagina that's in whoa there are two different kinds of bussies the butthole bussy in the breast bussy no that's not what i meant bussy oh okay uh mr beast beast being the meta-a-i i can't find it well so well one of the one of the things that we were going to talk about is these deep fakes yeah mr beast uh deep fake that was one thing and i know

i said that we're going to get to the crox um boots we are getting crox got boots we're going to get to it crox got boots crox did make boots um no the big one is tom hanks a deep thanks a deep fanks come on yeah deep fanks for you a deep fake from a deep geez dude a deep fake tom hanks Foof, try saying it. A deep fake Tom Hanks. Sure. A deep fake Tom Hanks is promoting a dental plan, but the actor has nothing to do with it. The actor warned his Instagram followers.

I say let him do it. You know what I mean? Let who do what? People sell Tom Hanks stuff. Beware! There's a video out there promoting some dental plan with an AI version of me. Well, is the dental plan good? Probably not.

Yeah, your internet is very. really um terrible right now your internet is worse than meg's legs are me you know what i just watched a michael keaton movie i feel like he deserved to be our tom hanks michael keaton should have been our tom hanks yeah yeah tom hanks isn't doesn't have enough sex to him he feels very what he's what about when he fucked in big yeah but we didn't see anything tom hanks is a very non-sexual entity to me i think that he doesn't even have a penis he's just kendall down there he's very non-sexual. Yeah, can you imagine him fucking doggy style? We've had this argument before, and I can't imagine a lot of people. Wait, so you're

defending that you can imagine Tom Hanks fucking doggy style? I can't imagine a lot of people fucking doggy style. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I can imagine you fucking doggy style. Come on, dude, yeah, you can't. I really can. Come on, try. I try, and I'm like, I hate it. Well, yeah, you can't imagine me doing it. Because you're jealous. You're jealous and I'm fucking, I can imagine you, watch, I'll do it right now. No, don't. Get it out of there. No, I'm imagining it right now. Don't. I can picture it.

I'm not consenting. Ooh, damn. Yeah, so this is obviously, he kind of looks like Bruce Willis. Also, he didn't age well. Yeah, also for the audio listener, what's really funny is he's giving the dental plan add so many more impressions by sharing it. sharing it on his own Instagram because it makes me want to watch it and then it makes me want to ask

well, what's with the dental plate? Have you been stuck on an island with just a volleyball for months? Yeah, what is, so... Did you have to use a ice skate that was in a package to take out a tooth?

To take out a tooth of yours? I will say... God, I hope that's what he says. How sick would that be? Tom Hanks, AI, dental plan. Let's see here, folks. Don't worry. We're going to watch it.

I want to hear him. Here we go. I swear to God if there's an ad before this. There's going to be. It would be really fun if it was the ad for the dental plan, like right before. Okay, come on. Come on. It's not my internet.

It's maybe yours. What do you mean? Maybe mine. It's the internet. Yeah, maybe it's my computer's internet. I know what you meant, the Wi-Fi receiver. Let's see. Come on.

Come on, come on. For anyone who's curious, Emil has Spectrum. Don't say that. Don't do that. Why? I'm not going to... Oh, it's not even going to fucking play it. I want to fucking see it.

Tom Hanks, dental AI. Jesus Christ. Show it to us. He must have got it. it scrubbed from the internet he probably did but it's not just him there's all kinds of people yeah mr beef did one mr beef a i was about to type in mr beef ai ad um i asked a i to make a mr beast jeep i swear to god this this thing is useless now everything on the every this whole thing is useless mr beast giving out two dollar iPhones that sounds like a great deal really where where can

i get one what do i have to do it's not real do i have to do i have to Lock myself in a room. Tom Brady Threatens Sue Creators. Oh, this is my favorite one. Actually, I want you to play this. Okay. So they did a...

Do you want to send it to me? I'm going to text you. Just give me one second. I wish we could... Someone did a Tom Brady AI stand-up special. And he's trying to sue them to get it taken down. Tom Brady is? Mm-hmm. What a pussy.

All right, click it. I'm waiting. Oh, it sucks. I'm waiting. Oh, it's because your internet is slow. That's why. I'm waiting. This is bad

We're going to have to cut this out No we're not No we're not Do something so I can see it What do I Google AI Tom Brady's stand-up special Okay There we go found it from Quirt

Hello and welcome to It's too easy A simulated our long time an hour long. Call me dude Z. I have used data from hours of Tom Brady interviews and hundreds of thousands of hours of astonishing stand-up comedy

to generate the first simulated hour long. With their hands still up? Damn right, you do. Anybody on the apps right now? I'm recently single and thinking about getting on them, but here's the problem. I've never been on them. I don't really know what I'm doing.

Someone sent me a message on Bumble. She said, you look just like Tom Brady. And I said, I am Tom Brady. She said, prove it. So I went to her house And let a little air out of all of her footballs Guys in the audience It's actually a good bit

It's pretty funny In your life It's not fair guys get better looking as they get older But women don't Well I don't know about that lady I'm looking out into this crowd right now And I'm seeing some seriously fucking ugly old guys That's pretty funny

I'm seeing some seriously ugly guys Wait this kicks ass I don't know if I'm getting better looking or not, but I can tell you the thing I can't do anymore. Suck my own dick. Yeah, you have to have him. Who wrote this? It's serious. No, the comedy.

He said he's fed it like hours of standout. But that's just to do his voice. Oh, he said he fed it hours of stand. I think so. I thought he said he fed it hours of Tom Brady talking. The first simulated hour long stand of comedy special in history. I hope you enjoy it Oh shit

Hello and welcome to It's Too Easy A simulated hour long Tom Brady standup comedy special Call me Dude Z I have used data from hours of Tom Brady interviews And hundreds of thousands of hours

Of astonishing standup comedy To generate the first Yeah he didn't write it Whoa So I wonder if they're jokes That they're just actual jokes But that's what I thought But then like the Tom Brady joke

Of like I went over to her house And deflated her footballs it's yeah yeah that's yeah do the one about him sucking his own dick yeah let me do that one again that was really good people can do this i know you've seen it on the internet more so i'm right don't oh i don't know about that lady i'm looking out into this crowd right now and i'm seeing some seriously fucking ugly old guys getting old sucks though i don't know if i'm getting better looking or not but i can tell you one thing i can't do anymore suck my own dick yeah i know you know people can do

this. I know you've seen it on the internet. Well, I used to be one of those people. Then somewhere about two or three years ago, I just couldn't do it anymore. Don't know if my dick shrank or my spine just lost flexibility, but let me tell you something. If you are a person who can still suck your own dick, cherish it, because you will never have a worse moment than when you're naked, ass in the air, folded up on top of yourself, just staring at your own dick, dangling a quarter inch from your lips, realizing that you'll never be able to suck your own dick again. You'll I want to know the most common question I get asked about my playing days. That was really such a good bit.

That, I'm sure, is stolen from someone. Yeah. That's not, but it's very funny hearing Tom Brady complain about not being able to suck as I don't think anymore. Wait, I want to hear this last joke. They're really concerned about steroids in the NFL. They say it's cheating. Maybe it is.

I don't really know. But one thing I do know is football is the place you want steroids. It's a violent. sport that we all play willingly and most of us get paid very well to do it you know where you don't want steroids child care think about it's really good you really don't want to do what was he going to say yeah these are stolen now but god yeah uh well we didn't get around to it um but uh crocs did it looks like the crocs boot will be available online and for unlimited time in crocs have you ever worn crocs i've not you know i've heard about crocs

what that they're really comfortable yeah but like as soon as you you you can't give in because as soon as you give in you put them on you go oh i'm never wearing anything else because you buy them and you go, I'll wear them around the house. They're so comfy, blah, blah. And then you're like, I'm wearing them everywhere I go. I'm not putting on anything else. They are one of the best performing stocks over the last, I don't know, decade. You know what their ticker symbol is?

If you had to guess, how would, how would, if you had to turn Crocs into a four-letter ticker symbol, what would you do? Just think for one second. Think, think harder. You're literally shouting at me. Crocs. C-R-O-C. CROC? No, that says Crock.

CROX. Fuck. Isn't that so cute, ticker symbols? What's Birkenstock's going to be? I think it's B-I-R-K. Burke-Stock. Oh, that's funny. Burke-and-stock.

Yeah, that's not going to do it for it. Symbol. Whoops. Burk and stock. Are you going to buy some? Why? Because I wear a burk-and-stack. Because you like them.

Yeah, it's going to be B-I-R-K. Burke. I think I would be out of money if every time a company IPOed that I like. You'd buy, how many companies do you like are about to IPO? No, but if I was just like, oh, great, it's that company I like. Oh, yeah, sure. I just based it purely off. Eight and a half billion dollar valuation they're going for.

How do you feel about it? I don't own any Birkenstocks. Have you ever had them? I don't know. I will say this. Bergenstocks changed my life. Damn, a lot like Crocs, huh? no i've never had a crock a lot like how crocs changed people's lives in

burkenstocks not in that sense though i was like you know how i have really flat feet and you make fun of me for it oh yeah so flat you guys wouldn't believe by the way have you been posting your feet picks to the i just got a bunch i got to show you they're going to go on i just just just put them on there i don't want to see them why i don't know well okay fine show me you're going to like the way you look oh man so this will be a good tease for our our fucking Patreon tier. I had a, I had a,

I had a, I had some film left so on a roll. Damn, dude. Look at that. So I, whoa, that one's sexual as hell. And I'm not joking. That is,

uh, really, that doesn't look very flat to me, that foot right. Yeah, exactly. Dude, you really didn't,

wow. What? I hate to use this, um, parlance, but you understood the assignment. Yeah. So those will be posted shortly.

Wow, dude. Um, you, you, you got to caption. it, what I captioned it every time. Here you go, you fucking sickos.

You absolute fucking loonies or whatever. Those are going to be good. Those photos? Yeah. I'm going to be pissed if it doesn't inspire. Outrage? No. Oh, like a horny homicidal.

Yeah, I'll be pissed if no one jacks off to him. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Is that fair to say? Yeah, I think that's fair. You'll be pissed if no one jacks off. Do you think people are jacking off to yours? I doubt it.

I was going to say, I hope not, but then I'm like, well, why would I hope not? I mean, if you want to, go ahead. Who am I to judge? How do you know they're really my feet? Huh? They are. Because I'm just doing them. If I'm laying around with my feet out, I'm like, yeah, I'll post it to the thing.

That's what they want, I guess. So then I berate them, and I say, you're fucking sick of. disgusting well that's it for for this episode I guess join us in the bonus where we

yeah where we get into the a crock boot yeah I'll order them that's not a bad idea maybe we'll get the crock booth but yeah sorry

this one's been a bit of a weird one this is a great episode are you kidding it's a great episode but I think it's it's out of the norm of what we normally do This is classic shit

This is classic shit According to Ben Classic shit But yeah We hope everyone is like Happy and healthy Having an okay time I bet you

I hope everybody's either Really wet or got a big boner Okay Let's uh Slow fade out Yeah Fading out Fade out