The Ben and Emil Show - The Meatball Special Episode 1 - Shame and Humiliation

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

By popular demand, we've brought on our dear friend Phil Matarese for a once a month show called...The Meatball Special. For our inaugural episode we're diving deep into some good ol' shame and humiliation. Enjoy it. Go check out Phil's band HUSHMONEY's new single: https://open.spotify.com/track/4ej52LFLy9icxcxPyYTCte?si=6f1ee1196c914fc9 Sign up for the bonus episode at https://www.benandemilshow.com first month is free and all our previous bonus episodes are up there. This episode (and every episode) was masterfully edited by Dillon Moore. Check him out at https://www.dillonmoore.co and @ dillonmoore on IG We're on instagram. @ bencahn and @ emilderosa and @ dillonmoore and @ philorphilip Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, guys, welcome to the Meatball special. We've already cut something out. We've been a podcast for 40 seconds, maybe even less. And we're starting it off a little rough around the edges. But welcome to my cabin. We're out here. Where are we? We're right at the edge of Lake Wanna Crack a Beer.

It's on an Italian-American reservation that you and me both have properties on. Not me, though. We got them from the government. You're in the Jewish camps. and that which it sounds like a thing but they're like they're really nice they're nice they're nice they're nice how about that bathroom you got man

the hallway in there yeah I think I used the wrong one because I there was no hallway I must have went to the wrong one so did you go into it a wrong house yeah like the houses are pretty close around here so yeah Jesus Christ I went into another

Italian American's house I saw a I walked out I was at the grocery store before this. Right before this? Which one? You can't say, okay, what you were at the grocery store? Why can't you say? Someone's going to find your Trader Joe's you go to? It wasn't a Trader Joe's. I was actually getting the nice granola.

Okay, so, okay, go on. And I walked out, and right as I was walking out, there was a, uh, he seemed like he was in his 20s, a Hispanic guy, talking with his friends. And he was, hope the Hispanic plays into the story. Yeah. And he said, N-word, like, what word is? that like as as you as as someone would to friends yeah yeah to you he said no no his friends and then said and followed it with you're gay and uh i haven't lived in i haven't do you guys remember in new york that like pretty much every ethnicity ethnicity besides white people would say the other and it was like always the most

jarring thing just seeing like a chinese guy be yeah throw it out yeah oh god that would be so fun to say go on go on just as sure he's guy holy shit

it's bouncing around my head like a fucking screen saver what so then what someone stopped him no no one stopped him I stopped him was like is it and then I was like I'm not

this is not my someone stopped hey I had a guy I was going to but I was like are people in LA doing this now I don't know I had a guy

come up to me as I was walking into the liquor store, right before my Valentine's dinner that I have to complain about after this. But he, as if we were meeting up. You're complaining about your Valentine's Day? Oh, yeah, I got to complain.

Of course. But as I'm walking up, he's walking up. And he just starts, he's just goes, I just saw this girl. And I said, hey, nice shoes. And then her friend said, nah, you were looking at her ass. And I was like, no, I was complimenting her shoes.

And then I just was like, Oh, wow, that's crazy. And we both walked in, and he kept going. He said, yeah, it was nuts. She turned around and said, you're looking at her ass. And I said, no, I was complimenting her shoes. And I'm standing there lying. He keeps telling me this story.

And I thought of you because I know you would have just said, no, I know you would have brushed him off and said, like, yeah, man, can you leave me alone? But I got the street smarts because I know in Los Angeles, anybody can turn on a dime and decide, well, you're, you're. gonna get you're saying you would say you're saying i'm not street smart for being like i'm all said on this pal yeah what you have to do is engage in the most neutral way i i don't know but yeah so then i i i went to my stupid fucking valentine's dinner that i wait real quick before we get into we give a quick oh howdy duty to the to the fans tuning in this is the first iteration of the meatball special it's going to be a monthly special coming out close to the end of the month every month uh so you're telling me hold that every week they're going to get a ben

and a meal show episode yeah as usual and then on top of four free episodes yeah that's right they're going to get a motherfucking meatball special uh-huh i think you can say fuck at this point if you sign up for ben and a meal show dot com yeah you double all that you get it's that's is insane it's a great Yeah, so, and that's the other thing. If you're a Patreon member, we're really trying to get everyone over to the new site. It's a much, it's a much better thing, and it's a... And also insanely easy to sign off of Patreon. What is wrong with you, people?

This is assonized. But any bonus content from this stuff is only going to live on the new platform, Beninamielshow.com. Everything else. It's nice. It's easy. It's clean. The website's beautiful. So if you want more of this, come join us. Anyway, this is our dear. friend, Phil Matteris, this is the meatball special.

Ben, tell us about your shitty Valentine's Day. Okay, so obviously the time that this comes out, Valentine's Day is but a long-distance memory. Yeah, everyone's going to be pissed. And I planned this thing a month in advance. I thought, oh, yeah, I got to make plans for Valentine's Day because I'm smart. And I got to think of it is for children, though. I do want to see that.

I know, but it's our first one. And I thought, I don't want to not do anything. And then it's better to try than to not. What's our first one together? Oh, right. No, yeah, it's her very first one. But I thought, Jesus Christ, I thought, all right, you know what, I'm going to find a really nice sushi place. And I found one out in Monrovia, which is very far.

And it took us like an hour, I got reservations, everything, took us like an hour and a half to get there. We're both very hungry. We got a piss real bad. Hey, babe, I know it's our first Valentine's Day. When you say we drive 90 minutes to Monrovia, it only would take 30 minutes. Monrovia. And also, he said it's Monrovia. It's really far away.

so we drove an hour like he signed up where i hate reaping what i sell well the the kitchen was severely understaffed and we were sitting at the bar and it just it it just was not worth the time or the money and we were seated next to a guy who was a late gen exer who got progressively more drunk and just was spout and apparently he gave uh my girlfriend the up and down when i dropped her off while i found parking and he was waiting for his wife and he gave her like a once over and she was poor he was looking at her ass not her shoes the old how do you do mr belvedere and uh yeah he at one point he started talking he was just doing gen x shit and he was going what is i don't understand how that is racist the character's not

racist i mean and he kept going you know you know this character because the character is racist that doesn't mean that the show is racist you know for like ten i don't know what he was talking about he might have been actually but he he was going on and on to his wife to his fucking wife and i kept thinking i kept looking over thinking she would have some kind of embarrassment she didn't care she was fully oh she just thick no she had it nailed like she looked like an uh marissa tomey a little bit wow like yeah she looked she's putting up with that it was weird they had like a friend vibe together, but they were married.

Two big woes from two New Jersey Italians when you say Marissa Tomei. Whoa! Full Uncle Jesse on that one. But I know that you, and then we ended up just, yeah, I didn't even... One time, had a neighboring patron at a restaurant. Didn't you get up and tell someone to stop it? No, we were at Lartuzi, which is like, it's so good in New York.

And it was actually so nice. I was leaving L.A., and the woman I was dating was staying in New York. and so she was like Happy dinner already Yeah well she was like Meet me in the West Village Meet me at Lartuzi That's really beautiful

She was like meet me I dare you to write that in script Meet me at Lartuzi She was like meet me in the West Village For a surprise So I had no idea And I just showed up in regular clothes We get there

Truly everyone's in suits And I was like fuck But that makes you look cool actually I like showing up underdressed Go on I know it's tough But sometimes you feel like you're Mark Zuckerberg or something. Yeah, I'm like, hey, I'm cooler than these people.

So we sit down and we're like, they can tell we're so thrilled. Everyone else is so jaded. They're like, yeah, we're at Lartuzi again. And they're like, they brought us out some free stuff. And I was like, holy shit. They bring you out free stuff at this restaurant. And she's like, I don't, I think they're doing it for us because we look like we've definitely never been here before.

And then the guy next to us and his date are talking about. he said like a bunch of weird stuff about Jews and like whoa all right I think I think I think he said something about black people and like our tables are so close and finally I leaned in and I was like like this is our first time here like we just want to enjoy ourselves can you guys like just cool it with the fucking like racist shit well I totally forgot he was being racist and his date literally goes what are we in church and I was like okay fucking, whatever. And then...

What did he say? I was like, it's fine, like, enjoy your meal, whatever. And then he, the date gets up and goes to the bathroom. He immediately takes his phone out and makes a phone call. And it's just his buddy. And he's gone, I've never heard anyone describe a woman like this. He's going, oh, dude, she's a badger.

She's a badger. Is that good? Is that good or bad? Literally, we were saying, we were like, it's a good thing or a bad thing. It sounds like she's awesome. And she doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, true. Yeah, maybe he likes her.

And then she's coming back to the table. And so real quick, he goes, oh, I got to go. And then when she sits down, he goes, work, never stops calling. And I was like, this guy is like an overwritten movie character. It's unbelievable. And then the waiter comes up and was like, hey, it's kind of noisy down here. We just had a party leave from upstairs. Would you guys want to go upstairs?

And we were like, okay. And he takes us upstairs. It's a private room. And he was like, those people are the fucking. worst i'm so sorry like order saved you yeah it was incredible he's like order whatever you guys want that's really nice yeah brought us out desserts and stuff yeah yeah oh man shouts to cartusie lartuzzi i couldn't do what you did because i have too much i i i just everything makes me feel contrary to what people might think i get easily embarrassed in public

and i've had a few moments i think it goes back to my childhood of getting literally spain in a target by my mom just like swatted on the ass for whatever i deserved it i'm sure and she'll deny it she'll say my mom has said i do you maybe got you guys maybe got spanked once or twice and i i'm like mom it's three versus one we all got our asses swatted multiple times but yeah it's that getting yelled at in public thing that just makes you so hard it turns me into it no the opposite it just turns me into a little child makes me horny and I like I told I told you about that one ex who I pissed off so much and she finally cracked on me oh at the wedding no yeah there was that but no there was another time when she blew up on me in public out in the desert we were we stopped at the the big dinosaurs so in in the way to Palm Springs what not that many people in the middle of the desert well people don't a lot of people don't know they're not all from LA I'm saying if this is a public situation oh yeah yeah but in the middle of the desert but we stopped and i had been i had not been

very nice and patient well she had been very patient with me because she was like we're on a little weekend getaway and she's like take my picture take my picture and i was like well for for instagram like fucking stupid just i was being i was being a wet i was having a fun weekend with his girl i was being a wet fucking blanket about her wanting to like take pictures and look cute. Oh, wow. So you deserved this. Yeah. Oh, great. But also, like, no one deserves this. Do it, do it in the car. Let's hear. Let's hear. So she's like, I really want to take a picture in front of the big dinosaur. And I said, okay. And we get out. She gets in front of it. And this time, I was like, I'm going to, I want to take a good picture of her. And I've got

her there. And I go, okay, let me, let me just, and she goes, move back a little bit. And I said, okay. And I moved back. And she goes, no, more. And I went, okay. She's starting to get annoying to me the more i i would stop to to center her and like get it all framed up and she just something snapped and she just went like you're not listening to me and just full on went into meltdown mode started screaming at me and i i tried to say like hey i'm just trying to get the picture right i i care i want to get this to look good i'm trying to like zoom in and frame it and it was too far gone and I feel so bad

and then yeah we walked back to the car and she's just like fully seeing red and I felt I just went into child mode I was like I'm just a fucking dumb little baby and I'm getting yelled up by my mom in public again I'm in Target all over again and as we got into the car

as we got into the car she gets in first and I'm looking over the car at this boomer couple who's just getting out of their car and the lady and the guy both look at me and the woman makes eye contact with me

and just goes she just gives me this like whoa dude and I felt it's kind of great it felt vindicating I was like okay I'm not I'm not nuts this is a little too much

but again it was that fucking mama yeah but yeah it was it was it was earned on my part i had earned that screaming yeah but it seems like you were trying to take the picture yeah but also i had because i had been not

wanting to take pictures the whole time it felt like like fucking annoying you're going you're going on you're going to trip me you're going to take pictures everywhere you fucking well it wasn't that bad it's just like i want to take a picture by the pool and i was like oh jeez you're good dude i know i know i don't know i'm just recounting how fucking humiliating it was that if you ask someone to stop doing something you don't like in public you're no well not that it's just that then i would have to sit next to that guy. I'd be sitting next to him going, oh, man, I made him feel like shit.

And now I feel weird because now we just have to pretend that there's an invisible wall here when there's not. And now we're both listening to each other's conversations. I couldn't do it. I thrive on that. I don't know how you'll fucking do that. And I think I've done it at some shows with you. I've started, if people are over 30 seconds filming at a concert, I've started going,

put your phone down. Good. And one guy, I was at, I think the B-52s in Asbury Park, Stone Pony. And this guy who was holding This huge guy This lady in front of him had Thank you This is not my job

This is just something I'm doing for fun So sometimes I need pointers for my friends And I appreciate it Ficked up my rhythm But that's okay He took his wife's phone And held it up a huge guy And I said

You're not even recording You fucking idiot He wasn't even recording And he just goes It takes it down And these kids next to me, we're like, they were like shocked or felt really good. Yeah, you got

you got a good guy, you got one at MJ Lenderman when we went. Remember that fucking old. Oh my God. What, what? Just like the blackout drunk, literally every crazy, like filming it. Yeah, but he was so drunk that like, it was nonsense.

He would kind of nod off and like it's just like kind of pointing down. I don't want to miss this. I'm too drunk now, but yeah. Psycho. What is that boomers that have become the worst at filming stuff. Well, it is wild because I have looked up concert footage on YouTube and been like, damn, this is great footage. I'm glad that they've recorded this.

No, yes, yes. I got to be like, oh, this is really great. This sounds great. I get that. I do like that too. Now I'm going, because every time I'm going, who is this for? And I'm like, it's Ben. It's for Ben.

It's for Ben. I've only done that a couple times just to see what it's like. One time I saw, it's not great. I saw Pinback. The one, I think it was at the Fonda Theater. What is Pinback? Pinback is a band. They're a great band.

And, yeah, I burp off Mike. But my friend Tanya and I were both tall. We both got way fucking high, and we were like first in line. And naturally, we found our way to the very front center, and we're just holding on to the thing. And we're just enjoying the show. And there's this small girl behind us who is clearly kind of frustrated the whole time. that we're blocking her view and after the show

as soon as it the music stops and the lights go up she just loudly goes why the fuck would you come to a show and stand in the front in the middle and not even fucking dance Jesus yeah she was just annoyed that we were just

a couple dumb dumb standing there which I get I don't I don't go A I don't go to shows anymore and B if I do I'm standing in the back I don't want to ruin anyone's experience don't don't if you're tall if you're above six feet you don't belong in the first 20 feet

I very much so I agree. No, and you don't. And you have a big head like me. It's a dick move. But also, it's a democracy where you can move if someone's in front of you. Everyone's allowed to move. The people behind you can move to the left, can move to the right. I think if you want to fucking, if it's a general admission show, it's not like, oh, I better stick back.

Because there's always going to be some dickhead in front of me who's tall. I have a good one. My turn. I'm new at this. LCD sound system at the Rose Bowl so you were seated you know the Rose Bowl

it's huge huge place staggered seating but everyone has assigned seats totally fine to stand up throughout the show and everyone does it's LCD sound system

it's fun everyone's dancing around this little gay dude in front of me stands on the bench which is the seats in front of us standing in front of me it was nuts and you can't move because it's assigned seats

and then I'm like tapping him he's like ignoring me going fucking nuts and then he tapping him he's like and I'm like he finally gets

I get his attention like hey man I don't think you're allowed to do that but even if you just like can you not do that and he goes I don't care I don't care

just like out he's gone he's on drugs yeah and then out of nowhere this fucking little guy next to me. This little bald dude grabs it.

He grabs the gay guy. He goes, Hey, he asked you nicely. If I got to ask you again, it's not going to be so nice. Wow. And then he goes, I got down. It's a Scottish guy out of nowhere. Speaking of that. I told it

on one of our bonus episodes, but I went to see Jonathan Richmond and there was, when we sat down, I was like, I knew this guy's going to be a problem. He's just like drunk and talking about. It's going to be a quiet show. And then talking throughout like the first song and the guy next to me. I was like fucking about to say something. The guy next to me just turns around and goes, hey, you're joining the show?

And the guy just shut the fuck out for the rest of the show. Nice. I know. People need a spanking and it's the safest place to do it. Yeah. Because six or seven people around you are thinking the same exact thing. That's thing, Ben, you got to try it out. I think you like it. The most I did. I saw in concert. I saw Jay Somm at, they were headlining. They were headlining in Brooklyn.

So everybody's there for this. And for the uninitiated, some of their songs are very soft and very tender and very mellow. And I'm standing at the back because I'm courteous. And there's these two guys back there just reminiscing drinking beers. Oh, you're a fucking ball! And I turned around and I made eye contact with them and I just went. Yeah, that's good. That was good enough and they shut up and I felt so good.

But then I also felt bad. I was like, I told these guys to shut up. I was that guy at Big Thief. I mean, remember I was there kind of for a business thing? Wait, was that with me? Yeah, we were all that. You got yelled at? Yeah.

For what? Was that the Greek? No, is that the Wiltern. Yeah, we'll turn. And it was the seats up top. Damn, you got shushed? I got shushed. You know what?

I honestly had a comment. I wore that shush. Wait, I got shushed too. I got shushed. Do you remember that? Oh, so you were talking business. I was having a business meeting with this pretty high up, dude. And then someone shushed us.

And I was like, afterwards, I was like, it's pretty cool. We got shushed together. it didn't work out they passed on the show i got shushed by the artist on stage it was it was the blow opening for of montreal at the troubadour do you know the blow no it's this this uh woman who performs for herself we have different tastes in music it's becoming incredibly evident okay it was like 2007 2008 2007 and by the way 2008 called and gay guys want their boots back ben Man, I love these boots.

I've had these since, like, 2007. Yeah, Dylan likes them. Speaking from Delon. Thank you. And they're very well made. Speak for you. You got the Tasmanian ones. Anyway, my friend Ariel and I, again, were high, and we were off to the side.

And we were having a long, we were having a loud-ass conversation. And she just suddenly turns to us and goes, in the middle of the song playing, just goes, excuse me, can you please stop talking? Thanks. And then kept performing, oh, man, humiliation. I just, I turned so red, you could have, you could have mistaken me for spaghetti sauce. You know, one of the most brutal ones I've ever seen from on stage? I would, it was, uh, it was the parking, it was parking courts.

I think it was their, like, human performance album release party. Dude, what just happened? Are you okay? No, I was trying to think. It was actually painful. Weirdly, I, like, thought about being in the room for a second. and it like fucked with me I had to check

and some guy I wish I knew what song he was screaming for but he was Master my craft or some shit he was shouting no because they played it later but he was shouting for a song

and he finally just looked at the guy and went it's always guys like you who want to hear that song we're not fucking playing it and it was like damn that's fucking sick but also like I wrote a song so good that people I hate like it

was like Pretty sick. You got something to say? Yeah, I just, when you mentioned the gay guy, I accidentally flirted with my gay neighbor the other day. Like hard, hard flirted with him. Man, you know, I haven't smoked weed in a long time, but then the other night... I find that hard to believe. Like, every single story.

Well, now, because this one, I was high, like three nights ago. And he texted me and he said, hey, are you... I love this guy. He's really sweet. Are you home by any chance? He had someone picking up this giant... like dresser thing this giant dresser thing

I don't know I'm just getting started with it did he say the D first and I said no problem I'll go unlock the gate right now I go out and oh I saw it

when I came by that thing yeah that huge what do you call that like an armoire maybe yeah that's what the word I was looking for an armoire

and I'm just going to ignore filming but I said yeah I'll go get it and I'm out there and the guy has to like find these shelves first so he's on the

phone with my neighbor my neighbor or me and the guy walk back by the way he's like he's like five feet to it's him and his neighbor they're these tiny Vietnamese guys they're so small and this thing weighs god i don't even a hundred and something pounds it's huge and so bulky and i did in that guy quickly i quickly realized i'm going to have to fucking help these guys loaded into their truck but the truck is parked down the street i'm going to have to help this guy's long I ran upstairs. I grabbed my clicker for the girl. I had to do a whole bunch of shit. I guide him into the thing because he's got a big ass truck. And then he gets rope. He says, I know what we'll do to haul it. We put rope underneath it. And I can't even really explain it to you.

He made a loop on either side. And I had to put it around my neck. And then like hoist up by my neck. And it worked. And then I had to like sandwich it like that. And my neighbor had texted. me like hey uh i hope you're still not with him and 30 minutes later after i finished i said oh yeah he's gone he did uh you know he decided not to take it lol jk and he goes honestly i wouldn't blame him and then i said it was so heavy and he said did you help him carry it and i said he was a teeny weenie little guy and then he was high and then he goes ben period and i said we used ropes and everything and i was happy to because i smoked weed and i am in a good mood and then i said got a fat $50 bill for you, dude.

And then I was like, wait, is that kind of flirty to say, I got a fat $50 bill for you? And then he said, that 50 is all yours, and I owe you a drink. That is madness. I cannot thank you enough. And I'm a teeny weenie little guy? Well, then I said, he gave you some money for the... He just let me keep the cost of it. And then I said, you're so welcome, it feels nice to do things, to do nice things.

And the little Vietnamese guys made me feel so strong. And then he said, you are... what is this is I just just having fun You know what? It's good you don't confront people in public Because

Yeah And then he And then he's A little Vietnamese mouth Then he said The guy was really cool And then he goes You are so strong

Important question Do you always have rope on hand And I said I freaked out I was like Oh shit Shit And then I said

I tried to get all I was like Unfortunately it was his rope I barely have a proper set of tools Like literally, but yes, no, he had the ropes, I mean. You're still flirting. It was janky.

It was incredibly gay, coded. I don't have any tools. Like, literally, I don't have any tools in my hat. It was janky. We wrapped it under, and then we each lifted from the rope wrapped around the backs of our neck. And then he's still explaining what I don't know. And then he said, so ultimately, you guys are bonded for life. I own a hammer and that's it.

And then I said something about our landlord. I said, he should give us access to them. the shack in the back with all the tools in it. And then he said, you're going to kill me. I'm locked out. Wait, no, I'm not. Death avoided. And I just, yeah.

And then I just, it's just, yeah. And he moved from a downstairs unit to the upstairs unit that's right across from me. Wait, did I give people to the, the thrilling conclusion to my, um, remember I told you about that guy from Facebook marketplace? All right. So I've been trying to sell all my furniture. Yeah, catch everybody out. This is now going to be several weeks old.

No, but they'll know what. I'm talking about. And I was complaining because it's all, it's like scams all the way down. And like, you finally get one. And so you want to be careful giving these people all your shit because it's like, are you just going to, I don't know what your aim is, right? And so as soon as people say cash app, I'm like, eh, maybe not. Oh, absolutely.

And so this guy got mad because he was saying, well, do you, you got to put it in the description too, memo or cash only. But so he said, he offered me money. I said, fine, that's great. Like, here's my phone number. And he was like, let me see if I can get. a van blah blah blah and then he said can i pay you by cash app and i said no cash app venmo zeller cash and then he asked for the address and i said i'll give you a nearby address because a lot of people

are asking me for my address i'm not trying to just fucking send out my address and he goes is this your old place yeah and so i gave him what's the address of your own place and then he goes find out where a meal goes shopping on the bonus episode of tell you what you deliver it and you don't have to worry about giving your address i'll pay you when you show up and the unit is on the sidewalk and And I was like, eh, this guy's pissed him to get. So I said, all good. I've got another buyer, thanks. And he goes, you don't have shit.

You're a dumbass playing around. What? And I forgot. That was nuts. Yeah, he was pissed. And so I didn't answer that. And then I didn't realize, I think Facebook marketplace has a feature. When you mark it as sold, it says, do you want to archive all these chats?

So I just hit, like, yes, I don't want them in here. And then I think when it does that, it lets the person you were chatting with, no, like, Emil has sold this thing. Yeah. So this guy got a notification. and say, saying Emil sold the couch. This is real. You sold it to someone else?

I did, yeah. I sold it. You get a good buck on that couch? It's a nice guy. Yeah, yeah. It was great. And so when he got that notification, he wrote me back and he just goes, he goes, lying ass. You didn't.

I love him so much. I mean, his name is also Mr. M-I-S-D-E-I. He's not real, did? I know. He said, lion-ass, limit. He goes, lion-ass. You didn't sell nothing. And I said, laugh out loud.

I sold it yesterday. Guy came and picked it up. It was super easy. And it just goes, you're a liar and a con. And he goes, And he goes, and then he goes, if it were so easy, why'd you make something so difficult? It could have been so simple. You're a liar.

And I said, laugh at loud. I'm really not. You freaked out because I tried to take just the slightest caution with strangers on the internet. And then he sends me a picture of a couch. And he goes, you're an idiot. You shouldn't be pretend. to sell stuff and then making it difficult to buy it. Instead, I got this one delivered to me for $1,200. It was too small, and I sold it yesterday for $2,300. And I said, I'm so happy for you,

bud. I sold mine as well. Everything worked out for both of us. Let's just be happy, man. And he goes, I'm good. I guess I shall. Wait, no. Please tell me it's happy. It feels like it's coming around. He goes, I'm good. I guess I shall thank you for making money when it, for making me money when it wasn't my intention to. And then I just wrote back, love seeing my boy stack that paper. it's mister and then that was the end of you gotta get his phone number and ask if he can if we can call you gotta talk to him we gotta talk do you think the flip was real yeah i don't know he sent the picture of the couch he just sent it folks they're looking at a picture of a couch

on a phone it's just a picture of a couch it is too small i mean it's too small so that is true that aspect is true oh god i'm good i guess i shall thank you for making money when it was my Lion ass is one of the degraded from an automatic thing from Facebook. Lion ass, you didn't sell nothing. And like, me desperate to convince him, I did sell it.

I sold the couch. Can you ask him for his phone number? We should call him. I'll ask him after this. I kind of love that. I'm not seeing the notification. Emil sold it and just like, nah.

This is not over. This is not over. I can't let it go. Honey, what are you doing? I hate, I hate selling on Facebook. Moving is just, such a fucking. I told you, but the, I lucked out on, uh, it was like a couple nights ago, I just needed to get the last of the stuff out of the apartment and I filled my car literally to the brim.

Like, there's just no, there's nothing left outside of the driver's seat. And I drive to Goodwill and I got, I take as much as I can and I go to the door and the doors locked and I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me and a guy's walking out and he goes they're closed I was like okay and then he's like are you getting rid of that stuff and I was like yeah you want it and he's like I do and then a car full of stuff this guy randomly wanted well he wanted whatever I had in my hands and some of it was like I had a mirror it was a mirror I was holding so I was like maybe he needs the mirror and then um I was walking away and he's like do you have more stuff And I was like, dude, I was like, dude.

Dude, you are scattering my favorite people on Earth. I was like, I have so much stuff. And I opened my car. I was like, do you want any of it? He's like, I'll take it all. And I was like, you are saving me right now. Hell yeah. He, I just helped him fill his entire van with all.

I love that. Some of it was, you know, when you're just donating stuff? You're like, I don't know. The donation center will sort this out. Right, right, right. Just that weird in between shit. Yeah, he just took all kinds of. And like, something that was falling out, a magic eight ball fell out.

And I was like, ah, he's going to be like, you take that. And he's like, okay, I'll think it. Yeah. I fucking. It was like a YouTube branded magic eight ball. Yeah, one time I was going to the Goodwill store and I was like perfectly filled it. There was a lamp behind my passenger seat. And there was like all this other shit in my car.

And I was like, okay, I just need to move my front seat back a little bit. And I moved it back and the lamp exploded from like, it just like lengthwise compressed it. I was like, this is not a good start. I, the fucking Goodwill's up near me are very particular. I had to go to three one time to find one. That would take stuff. Oh, weird. Any shit.

Just dump it. I know, but then they're like, don't, we're not taking anything. And it was like me and two other people hanging around. I would say, I don't even think I dropped that there. I don't know where the fuck this stuff came from. Some crazy reverse robber put it all in my car. That is always the worst feeling. Like, I know there's another.

I can't remember what it's called. That's like a donation center and they're a bit more like Salvation Army? No. But you can call them because it says like, oh,

we pick up, whatever. And you call them and literally they came to my house and they just kind of looked around and they were like, no. Dude,

that's like any Buffalo exchange you go to or anything like that. It's the worst feeling on earth. And they just pull out every piece. Every single thing and they go, no. No. Hearing the name.

How are you not like, you have no style? Buffalo Exchange gives me, just PTSD from high school when I just want to hear it just the memory of going there and choosing the intentionally most ugly shit that my corky crush might like. Damn. And she did. I remember just getting sweaters that were too small and itchy as hell.

And she's like, I like that. That looks good on you. And I'm like, fuck, yes. That's actually really sweet. Maybe I'll lose my virginity to you. This is an insanely sweet episode. Yeah, this is the insanely sweet episode. This is a woke episode too.

It's insanely sweet. How is it sweet? We've been talking about humiliation That racist guy Telling people to shut up The whole mister story is pretty sweet I was like okay I was supposed to caught up in the mister story

Wait how far are we? You got other stuff We had a whole outline planned And we just ditched it We're gonna get rid of that shit There was some shit on there about We don't need that friendship Oh well I introduced you guys

Oh yeah Oh yeah that's what we were gonna have you do Right Is tell the people from your perspective Because everyone always asks How did this happen? happen. No, because yeah, we've told from our perspective how you introduced us, but perhaps yours is a little bit funnier. I know it's going to be meaner on my part. Sure. I met you. We had

been Twitter friends for a while. Because I saw you perform as Lil Phil, you're a character. Oh, yeah, right, right. Thank you. Wait, you're not Lil Phil, are you? No. Oh. It's my nephew. Not the guy who's dating Kamala Harris? No. Uh, yeah. They had a will there, won't they sort of thing. Yeah. Um, um, I'm also not William Prezong, too. Yeah, a lot of people think that. Yeah, that you guys look like. I had short hair.

You did introduce us to William Prezon. I did. Yeah, I brought him in, well, he was there that one time I was at, whatever. I'm 10 pounds lighter than him. Is that true? Different guys. Yeah. Probably look at the footage.

Yeah. That's true. We haven't seen William in a while, though. He might have dialed it back. You have a letter from him, right? Supposedly, yeah. I got this email that is from, it has a prison, like, letterhead on it and stuff i had to use like a

fucking tour to open it so you had to use a what oh like a scrambler sort of thing so uh i think on the bonus episode we might have a letter from william prisson something to think about so anyway we hung out at black cat one time and then after that i remember moved back from new york for lunch no we got like two beers and then i left and i remember thinking i don't think i want to hang out with him because it was very intense

this was an intense it was an intense time in my life and then I met someone and it was more intense than the shit I was going through and you know the shit I was going through so I was like how did he beat me to that I don't like that I was like I'm supposed to be venting

and this guy just vented the whole time and then maybe two weeks later or something was a tuck shop something yeah it was much of the party and Mills Backyard Comedy show and which

uh I invited you to, I guess. Yes. And then you were there, and then you immediately started talking about your dirty ass. Me? Yeah. You were talking about how you were mooning people, and your brothers went, your ass is disgusting. Yeah.

Also, still maybe within two weeks of meeting you, I'm now at this party where I'm like, I invited this guy. Yeah, this is a guy is going, we do a whole party. My ass, I didn't know how to watch my ass until I was 24 years old. This is, this is, we do tell a nicer version. We're... Yeah, me too. But it was at that party, right? Yes.

And then I saw you two at that party, chatting, and then the beach, and then more hangs. And then, yeah, slowly but surely, I got squeezed out. My career went like this. And your guy's career went like this. And I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I appreciate this.

No, but you famously said... Turns out there's a basement under the basement. Phil's doing great. I mean, that's where I'm at. But it's a finished sub-basement. It's really nice. Well, underneath that is a septic that I've been hanging out in. And unfortunately, there's another basement under the septic.

That's doing great. Yeah. The way Emile tells it is that you had said, you guys are both a couple of psychos. Yes. Oh, yeah, I did say that. No, I knew you guys would like each other. You're very similar in that way. And I'm very happy to be here.

Was that 2019? We'll just blow past me being slightly earnest. No, no, it's good to have you here. A little awkward, really sort of branching out, sort of reintroducing the situation, but it's, I'm excited to be, now I can't do it. We're happy to do it. Yeah, it's been very cool to see the community built around you guys

and to be like the behind the scenes, all art director and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, Phil does all our art. Yeah, but that doesn't get me pussy. I'm married. Phil's married. I'm married. It doesn't count.

This is a joke. It's not going well either. Your marriage. My job is bad. I'm a furniture, a female furniture salesman. A female furniture. So I sell women furniture. What's the difference?

Just girly stuff. Oh, girly furniture. Why isn't it going well? It's dressers. I would think that that'd be... You have a dresser? Me? Yeah.

It's no. Why? That's for girls. It's too much clothes. What do you use? The floor? Closet. I use the floor.

I don't use a closet. I hang my. gang guys dressers are for girls boys we just have a couple shirts you just keep them wherever I'm in a box

I feel like we're starting you're giving the audience a real insight into why the marriage is maybe going poorly the marriage is going poorly because my wife is a well you have to remember is that everything that you say

typically ends up in the cut and winds up on the internet right forever yeah oh no My job at my furniture store is going to go away. My wife that fucking hates me is going to get angry at me.

What else is new? The bottom turns out there's another basement under the basement. What did I say? I have a and I love her. She's angry at me all the time. I'm scared to ask her name. I can't tell me. Because then they're going to Google stuff.

I actually don't want people to find out about my life. but I do love her. Do we want to really tell, do you want to tell people a little more about your self? Yeah, women's cells. What are women sales? What are women sales?

That is a good question. Furniture. Pateo furniture. And romantic life are fine. Yeah, it's true. I've seen your place. The furniture store's going, Phil's got a lovely house.

You decorate really well, too. like really well it's always inspirational every time i go in i'm like god damn you know it makes such good use of the space i don't know what i'm doing we had a really good exchange of stuff where i moved and then you had my stuff and then you moved and now i have really uh sisterhood of the traveling furniture it's nuts yeah it's very wild phil left l a had a had a whole bunch of stuff i said i'm moving to this new place i got nothing i took his stuff i said i'm leaving this place i don't need any furniture take it back yeah and at that point him and his no i moved into a new place you just punch the numbers there buddy i uh moved into a new place let's just say we both had life

of us i needed some more furniture i'll put it that way uh the women's furniture store was low on stock had to give him some stuff and i needed some boy furniture back so i got my stuff back it's very there's a very weird thing of just having a coffee table that I last really saw when did I move 2020 or 2021 yeah when we were two or three years ago having like these little things dirty coffee table so sturdy I love it did you guys dance on it at the party yeah I was up there singing and stuff I missed Phil's birthday party and he's still angry at me and I'm just wondering how long he's going to resent me for it I weirdly feel no anger about it great it hurt I'm hurt but uh it

was you know the tacos were excellent the tacos were really good how much did it cost to hire a taco guy um i'm not doing well and let's say i'm not doing any better after that he's doing that's it i guess yeah let's say a couple more than a couple hundred like yeah yeah okay well that's okay yeah i was around 600 and he was so nice he's so fucking great but i'll hook that guy up with anybody that's having a party things are not going that well because he did not get the guac which was honestly kind of no i got the guack you Got it on the guac. How much was the guac?

Dude, tacked on a bunch. A bunch? I think it was, no, I don't know. I think maybe it was like $25 or something like that. $25 and you weren't going to do it the first time? No, I just didn't, because he said these things are at it. So I didn't know how much it was costing.

By the way, when I saw the first bill, I was like, okay, there's a lot of money for me to pay at my birthday party. I know we're all grownups now and we want people to eat and stuff, but I don't know. It was great. There was a ton of people there. Uh, taco guy flew into two care. Did you see that video of me singing Born and Run? Yeah, it was good. Wait, the taco guy did karaoke?

No, I'm saying the party evolved from an outdoor party with a taco guy to an indoor party with karaoke. Yes. Yeah, it was great. The only thing they could have made it better was... It would have been really great if you were there. Yeah. Trying not to sully the memory. Try not to think about it too much.

Got a lot of good presents from all my friends. Did anyone bring you a sweet array of tinned fish? fish? No, you did. Yeah. You really did. How was your, do you were shooting something?

I was shooting a short. That's good. That sounds worth it. Got cast as the male lead. Does you have a lot of lines to memorize? Mm-hmm. Oh, that sucks. It's hard.

I didn't find it that hard to memorize the lines. I, because you don't smoke a lot of pot. Well, I don't anymore. I cannot do it. Honestly, the hardest thing for me, like, I'm just, it was very nice. Is it your weird voice?

Someone Someone came to a stand-up show And they were They emailed me after And we're like, I'm a director And I think you'd be good for this part And so I was like, okay, they know I'm not like an actor, right? And so

How do you think you did? I honestly don't know. Sometimes I was like, okay, I think I'm doing fine on this. There were moments where It's funny. It's very odd And then there were moments No, but the short is funny

Oh, kind of It's like a bit serious In heavy sometimes But they were doing I remember they were doing The actress's angles first And I remember sometimes The director would be like

Okay, and now just give me that line Three different ways And I'd be like three different ways How do you know I was going with three different ways to say And then it was on me And like She would be like

Okay and now just give me that three different ways. And I was like, okay. And I'd do it the one way. And then I'd be like, I'd do it like a second way. And I'd be like, ah, I don't know if I have a third way. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It was so embarrassing. Like, because, and it was like a full. Yeah. Full production. Like so many people on set. And like, it'd be, it'd just be so quiet. And she'd be like, give me it three different ways. And I was like, I don't want to go. go home. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go home.

I bet. I thought pretty good. I don't want. What was the line? I'm trying to think. It was a week ago. Honestly, and that's the thing, too. You start to, like you say to the fucking line so many times, you're like, these lines

are going to haunt my dreams. I turned down, I, I, my commercial agent has instructed everyone. via a long BCC email that you're only allowed to, like, say no to three in a row. Otherwise, they'll put you on, like, probation. And because sometimes you're like, I don't want to fucking do this. Well, drive out or do the audition and stuff is right. Yeah, it was an at-home thing, but it was for hymns. It was for the boner pills.

And it was just, it was one of those ones that's pretty rare in my experience, because I've only gotten, like, 15 of these total. No. Bonas are not well for me. I don't know why I did that voice. But it was perfect. It was the perfect voice for it. It was just like facial expressions.

The commercial is supposed to be like, I would definitely do that one. It's going to be the same guy. I would be the same guy throughout multiple generations. So like starting from old, then like full on mature adult man, and then currently and then younger man. And it just said like, okay, so in this one you'd be sitting down and you're taking like the family photo and you're the only one with a full head of hair and you got to just

have a look about you like, yeah, I've got a secret. And then the next is you're the 50-year-old version of you. And again, I got a secret. And then I just thought, I don't want to do this right now because it was due today at 4 p.m. And I got the email at like 10 a.m. We could bust out of you right now. No, no, no, no. Let's give me you got a secret.

Give us you got a secret Can I go? Yeah For the audio listener, suck it up That's you posing with your family You guys want a secret for me? Yeah, give us a secret That's pretty good

Yeah, that was good It'd probably be like a... That's the one that would get it Probably be like a cocky You guys vote on who had the best secret Yeah, if you're still watching put it in the comments if you're not mad at us by now

those were the like there was a scene which I found the easiest it was like I just had to argue with my fake girlfriend oh yeah let's tap back into this yeah and at one point they were like okay stop and I was like kind of lot of experience with this one yeah and like I had to freak out and I was like

banging out a door and I was like this kind of makes sense but then it was stuff where they were like I don't know being like sad or you just go like this push it out or you can't even again yeah but give it to me three different ways

one literally I remember there was one where I said or she asked for three different ways and I said it the first time and I was like I don't know if I have a second one so I did it I did the second one like the exact same way and I was like

I just got to say it again that way And that's at the point where she looks at the DP, like, cool. That's, yeah. It was like, and I felt bad because I had an, I had an out because I was going to do a show. And so I was like, so he's got outs for some show. So, but he doesn't have outs for his best friend's birthday party party. I mean, I'm getting, mine started at two. I know, I know.

And these are work things. And so it's like. I was like, I couldn't tell if they're actually getting it or they're like, fuck, we gotta get a meal to the show. And they'd be like, great, we got it. And I'd be like, did you? I have no. I definitely didn't say it three different ways.

They'll be able to do it. Also, I'm not, I don't, they're like, oh, we can't wait to, like, we can't wait to show it to you. I was like, I don't want to fucking see this. I've never watched. I can't watch it. Yeah, no, I don't. I've watched some shorts that you've been in. Yeah.

But, you were good. I saw them. Thank you. With that girl that I pissed off, who I briefly went on a couple dates with. Am I party? No. You were in a short with her a few years ago. Oh, was it with the snack brands?

With the snack brands, where I made the, her name was, starts with an A. Snack brands. I was in a short? Oh, at my house. No. Did I say that already? You were in a short. You were in a short

And this, man And this, this girl Should I just say her name? It's not like anybody knows. No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Well, I don't think it matters. It's just their first name. Yeah.

Annie. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. And I remember turning her off Because I, I wish I could say what I... Can I say that? Why not? It's like a...

Yeah, so there was this girl named Annie that I briefly went on a couple dates with. And... Wait, wait, but can I say one thing? It's so funny that, like, your brain is so easy to do what you're about to tell but like

we started this episode talking about how you're like oh I could never like confront someone who was doing something I didn't like a big humiliation trigger but now most of your stories are you being humiliating but then you like place yourself

into these situations where and you know what's funny I was high I was I remember I was yeah I was yeah so her name was Annie

and we had gone on a couple dates and I felt like oh this is going okay were three or four dates in and she's clearly, she seems to get my sense of humor and seems to have a good sense of humor. And I was at the grocery store and I saw the brand annies.

And I took a picture of it. And I just, I guess I'll just say exactly what I wrote. She used the R word. She said, on our first date. And I was like, oh, she's a little naughty. Girls brought it back.

Girls brought it back. I'm just going to say that. And so she said it and I was like, oh, Annie, you just said, you just said the R word. You like teased her and we're like, you're not supposed to say that. And she was like, yeah, well, you know, and I was like, all right. So I took the picture of the Annie's box and I, in the, in the, in the, these are like a snack. They're like a healthy, yeah, healthy snack. I just, I used the Photoshop feature in the native photos app just to scrawl a fake

brand underneath it. I made it say, I made it say, Annie's fuck snacks for and I sent it to her. I sent it to her and she just goes she just said, okay. She said, okay? Something like that. It was like, okay. Or no, I think just like two question marks. It was something like that. And then I sent another. I just sent one that said Annie's comies. Oh, that's so bad.

I know it. I know that. And then she said, I sent her like one. That is like so going for it though of like. I know. I think she should have been a little bit lighter on you for the first one. I agree.

Because you're swinging in you play. She set the rules. She set the boundaries of these things. You're playing in that ballpark. Also it's funny. It's pretty funny. The second one's not funny. The second one is psycho.

I think even with the context of her saying it on the. first date the joke doesn't make that much sense of course not it's absurd it's so weird yeah it's pretty fucking but i'm on his side again

it's pretty fucking dumb it's pretty fucking dumb and um this is when she stopped talking to you no no well no because we it was fine but um I had sent her a total of four I had sent her those two

I had sent her those two wait sorry so I had sent her the two and the first she just wrote ha ha that's what she said that's not bad and then like a week but then like it better than oh it was okay this was right

then like a week later the lockdown officially started oh god and I I was like hey you want to you know she didn't want to hang out because of everybody wanted to hang up and then I was at the store again I was kicking around

I was at the store again the CDC goberative yeah you don't even have to isolate oh what I told you. I hate to say, I told you so. All right. Is that going to flag you?

I don't think so. No, we're good. I was at the, I was at the store again, and I took a couple more pictures. And I sent her those. Ben is masked up. Everyone's scared about the future. What's going to happen? I'm just going, this will be funny.

So I sent them, and that's when she wrote the double question marks. And then she said, I don't know why you keep sending me these. I don't. No one does. I don't. I don't understand why you think this is funny. I seriously read the text and I remember out loud going, oh, oh. And then I simultaneously thought, how do I thread the needle of apologizing and explaining why I thought this was funny to her?

So I just said, yeah, I thought that you'd think it was funny because it's got your name. and I also, I'm fuck, I'm sorry, I got, I got a stupid sense of humor, I guess, and yeah, and then she said, yeah, no, it's fine. I just didn't understand. I just don't understand. And then, yeah, I asked her out again a few weeks later, and she was like, I'm okay. Wow. It was totally fine.

She's cool. That's actually kind of nice. Yeah, I don't blame her. You kick the tires on it. That was the universe. That was, I was acting on God's behalf. God was working through me to say, God pushed Annie's fuck, call me, retargeted.

I, I, I, you know what I should be. That's where, you know what I'll do. Getting broken up with. I didn't say this, God did. I, I will, uh, we'll, we'll, we'll have these, I'll, I'll send Dylan the action. Oh my God, you have the images. Of course I have them.

Of course I have them. They're humiliating. Of course I kept them. You got to click on their name and then you click the eye and then you can, look back at all the... No, no, because I deleted the text thread because I was so embarrassed. Oh, that's bad.

I had sent the photos of the snacks to my Twitter group chat. I feel like I've seen it. You have, because I've shown it to you, I think. I expected my Twitter group chat to rally behind me and be like, that's funny, but they all... And they are just as dumb as me.

Nah, I'm probably the dumbest, actually. But they're, you know, they've got... We've got each other's backs for a stupid shit, but they were all like, why the fuck would you do this? Yeah, that one's a real... Yeah, it's really stupid. Head scratcher.

But, you know, it was four years ago. I really like you walking around the grocery store and being like, I know how to flirt with her. Yeah, it was pretty... It was pretty stupid. I always think just shoot your shot and be a fucking freak. I love sending pictures. Thank you. Thank you.

You've got to be... You've got to... Because it's going to come out eventually. Right. And if they can't handle it right away... Well, I don't know. Because you can say the same thing about burping or farting. Because obviously, if you do that right away, it's a...

major turnoff. I mean, no, it's not the same thing. Although, I have an ex who told me about an ex of hers who, on their first date, they're walking, he's walking her home, and he goes, you mind if I go upstairs and use your bathroom? And she says, sure. He goes up and he just fuck, and she's got a studio apartment. He just takes a huge shit.

Wow. And she said it turned her on. It turned her on? She was like, it kind of, it worked. I was like, wow, this is so brazen that I can't help but be attracted to him. Not turned her on, but it was like, that's somehow attractive that this guy on our first date asked to come up and shit. And then they dated for like a year or something. There you haven't, folks.

You just got to go for it. If you got a shit, shit. That's my biggest night. I can't. I can't. I can't do it. What, shit around people? Yeah.

I got to turn up. I turn up my white noise on my phone. I run the sink. I'll play music. I, you can't know what's going on. I still have a very specific. this will probably be we should probably go into the into the yeah what time are we at okay so hey we're gonna finish this you know we'll finish which i don't know tell it in the bonus yeah we'll do it in the

bonus i don't know if it makes sense outside of the context it will because people nobody's just just listening to the bonus can i plug some stuff oh yeah sure we're uh wait wait for the hell this is insane big ass yeah they're going to get me they finally found me and joe biden uh they're probably going to the children's hospital that sounds like one one of those medical helicopters. It sounds like I heard a kid going, Whoa! I mean, you get a ride of your life,

but unfortunately it's your last one. And your parents are having to blow $120,000. Go ahead. I don't know when this is coming out, but my band, Hush Money has a single coming out called Bad for You. I would love it if you clicked a little heart on Spotify and saved it.

That's really good for tracks and getting us on playlists and all that sort of shit. That's all I wanted to say. There will be a video out on YouTube. And there's going to be a video on YouTube. stuff to that and we're going to play a show I guess this will come out even before the next meatballs too

but March 23rd we're playing a show at Permanent Records, our favorite venue in Los Angeles. That'll be super fun Saturday show and also we're playing South by Southwest if anyone is going to that. When is that? South by Southwest is March 11th to 18th. But when are you playing?

The 16th and the 17th but we're going to hop on a bunch more so if you follow Hush Money i n t at instagram you'll be able to check out all that shit it's good music loud rock and roll fucker also thanks to everybody for watching this

this first one obviously we're finding our footing and this we don't know if this set is going to be permanent but let us know if you like it because we're just hopping around this is my cabin at the camp wanna crack a beer we also want to go on a vacation somewhere and we want you guys to send us yeah not pay for it but tell us where to go

tell us where to go all right to do it meatballs abroad or here we'll go to Idaho I'd be down to go somewhere in the States Alaska The first one's domestic Alaska

We're going to Montana Hawaii Oh sick I'm supposed to go to Montana Now we're going to go into the bonus So Ben andemales show.com Ben andamielshow.com

You can't miss it Bye