The Ben Mulroney Show - Dealing with teen addictions. A conversation with Susan Raphael.

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

- Susan Raphael - author of "What's Wrong With My Teen" If you enjoyed the podcast, tell a friend! For more of the Ben Mulroney Show, subscribe to the podcast! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://link.chtbl.com/bms⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Also, on youtube -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@BenMulroneyShow⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Ben on Twitter/X at https://x.com/BenMulroney Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Coors light is launching a fake record label and they want to sign you for a chance to win an unforgettable all-access artist experience at Oshiyaga. Enter now at CoorsLiteRecords.ca No musical talent required. La la! Wait, what key is this? Must be legal drinking age. No purchase necessary. Welcome back to the Ben Mulroney show. I do not need any more convincing that a city like Toronto of millions of people, big city, but a small town. But some of you might. And the evidence is in our next guest. See, I have, I've been honest on this show since I started that I see a therapist. It's been very helpful for me.

And it's been a really something I should have done a long, long time ago. And there will come a day where we can discuss what I've discussed in therapy. That day is not today because I'm still in the middle of it. And just so you know, it's very helpful to me. And if you're somebody who's asking yourself the question, would it be of benefit to me,

then that probably might be an indication that you should explore it. And anyway, so that's one data point. The other data point is a couple of weeks ago, we had a great conversation on this show with a gentleman out of Vancouver who has written a book about dealing with his addiction issues while he was building a company.

And that conversation went very, very well. And then because of that, my producer was introduced through that gentleman to our next guest who has written a book called What's Wrong with My Teen and it deals with primarily with teen addiction. And as it turns out that this next guest is my therapist. And he did not know that when he invited her on the show. But that's how small this town is.

And I said, of course, I have benefited from speaking with this next guest. So why wouldn't the audience of the Ben Mulroney show benefit from hearing from her as well? So please welcome to the show, Susan Raphael. Thank you, Susan, for being here. Hi, Ben. Great to be here. I'm a fan of the show.

I know you are. I know you are. Sometimes I'll get texts from you after the show. When I was, there was, because of the Superman debacle where I thought I was gonna be free and I wasn't because I was gonna Go see Superman. I forgot that we had a session and you knew it before I even told you So thank you very much and I will promise to be far better with my appointments in the future But why you're why you're here today is that your book? What's wrong with my teen and look?

I've got two 14 year old boys. They are wonderful We we spend so much time together, but that doesn't mean that just because you're, you get along great with your kids, that there aren't things that you should be paying attention to. Absolutely. You're absolutely right.

Yep. Like there's some numbers out there for those who think, oh, my child is perfect. 44% of students report alcohol use. That is between grades seven and 12. is perfect. 44% of students report alcohol use. That is between grades 7 and 12. 18% used cannabis, and 20% have tried e-cigarettes. 8% used prescription meds non-medically in their lives,

and 13% reported misusing opioids in the past year. So I guess those should be concerning numbers. That doesn't mean that every kid is gonna go down a bad path. But I also think what it says is, do you as a parent want to take the risk that none of those numbers, none of the alcohol use, cannabis, e-cigarettes, prescriptions, opioids, that not a single one of those

would apply to your kid or could apply to your kid. Yeah, and those are numbers that are reported. So think of all the numbers that aren't reported. And it probably wouldn't be reported to AI if you were talking to AI about your addiction and mental health symptoms, just saying. So I guess let's start generally. What are the signs that parents should be looking for

that their child may, you know, maybe doing something that they know they shouldn't be? I think parents will have a gut feeling. I think they'll have a sense that there's something going on. And they may. So pay attention. But but but caregivers. But Susan like, look, again, my kids are 14.

And they are quieter now. And they don't make the eye contact. And they roll their eyes a lot more. Again, my kids are 14 and they are quieter now and they don't make the eye contact and they roll their eyes a lot more and they, you know, right now they're sleeping later than they ever did, but they're 14 and summertime. So some of those things are just being teenagers. Absolutely. And I go into that in my book.

What's just, I call it teenagerism and what's the development of the brain? And then when do you have mental health and addiction symptoms? So kind of on a continuum. So what's there are different signs? Yeah. So what are they? Yeah, what are they? Because you'll be seeing isolating, you'll be seeing maybe cash withdrawals. You'll be seeing sometimes the red eyes, the smelling substance on your young person going through, sometimes parents go through private belongings and find evidence of so. But again, I think that there's a sense when things are going a little bit off the rails. And it's good for parents to

question and it's great to raise awareness. And that's what my book's about so that they can ask the questions and you're not suffering or you're not thinking alone. You can discuss with other parents and these aren't the kind of things parents they want to be talking about the great things that kids are doing. They don't want to be talking about I think that Johnny smoking. Yeah, too much. Yeah, so they can parents tend to isolate in their thinking around what the problems might be. But Susan, how you address it with your kid has got to be as important as like the knowledge

and the decision to address it. Like there's, there's got to be, I don't know if there's a single right way, but there have to be wrong ways of bringing this, this up. You don't want them to further retrench into isolation. You don't want them to leave that interaction that you're hoping would be a positive one by saying, okay, I dodged a bullet. Now I've got to be even better at hiding it. Right, right. So they have to have a discretion.

They're on to me, they're on to me. Oh yeah, absolutely. And they're going to be prepared to defend because it's a well-defended age of development, right? Like teens where I was a defensive teen and I was good at averting and diverting. So you have to have the conversations before the signs and symptoms are there. Yeah. What's going to be tolerated in the home? What are the healthy limits? What are the boundaries?

If you haven't had those conversations, then to confront something when it comes up will seem really out of left field. And if parents and caregivers are engaged in substance use, then having conversations about that, what's healthy, what's not, and parents owning their own imperfections. No parent or caregiver is perfect. And so, you know, having that contact with your kids is fantastic. Having the communication, if you don't have that communication and connection are a great place to start. And look at some of these sites, come to my website, come to my Instagram, look at some of the awareness building tools so that parents can have a sense of that you don't want to avoid the conversation because you're afraid of saying something wrong.

And I want to be having the conversations. I think you brought up something really important, which is like, we don't want to be talking about problems that our kids may have. We want to be telling everyone how awesome they are and how amazing they are. And given the world that we're living in of social media with these unattainable false versions of reality that a lot of people put out there about, you know, the moms who cut all the food into these beautiful shapes for the fresh meals that they make their kids every day

and the successes of all their kids. Like a lot of that is a fiction or it's a hyper curated version of reality. There are these parenting goals out there that a lot of people are striving for that they will never attain because they are unattainable. Absolutely, there's a lot of pressure on parents and there's a lot of pressure on parents and there's a lot of pressure on

teens. So more so I think than ever. I mean I would not want to be a teenager today with all of the pressure. That's the balancing act Susan, like you want there to be a certain level of expectation on your kids because you need them to have goals to try to strive for and there's, by the way, there's nothing wrong with having a certain amount of, I want you to strive for my approval. Like there are some parents out there who don't believe in that, I do.

I think I'm here for a reason, and I want you to strive for my approval to a certain extent. But there's a danger that if you don't get the balance just right, that they're gonna go in the opposite direction. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And having conversations is important, you know, the balance just right that they're going to go in the opposite direction. And having conversations is important, you know, about if they're not meeting the the limit or the guideline or the family value or expectation, then then why not what's happening for them? What are you noticing? What are they telling you? I look at symptoms and behaviors as a story. They're telling us something. Yeah. And so we have to pay attention to what the what the behavior

is telling us. It may just be telling us they're a teenager. It may be telling us something more. So we have to read between the lines. Yeah, and also not make assumptions and not be not confront with a lot of like more like approach not confront with a lot of emotion. Yeah, because that's going to send kids underground and with a lot of like more like approach, not confront with a lot of emotion.

Because that's gonna send kids underground and hide their symptoms and behaviors. Susan Raphael, thank you so much. The book is called, What's Wrong With My Teen. What's the... Welcome back to the Ben Mulroney Show. We're gonna continue our conversation with Susan Raphael, who's written a book,

What's Wrong With My Teen, dealing primarily with addiction issues in young people. And Susan, the fact is this generation of kids has had some very peculiar and unique pressures put on them. The isolation that was caused from COVID and the more general pressures of the mental health crisis that we're dealing with, and the prospects of eventually going out into the world

and having a difficulty getting a job, buying a house, all that stuff that we, in earlier generations, took for granted. So there's a lot that's weighing on these kids today. And so knowing that, is there something unique took for granted. So there's a lot that's weighing on these kids today. And so knowing that, is there something unique about being a parent today in a world of addiction that is different today than in generations past?

Oh, that's a big question. Absolutely. I mean, for one, there's surveillance parenting today. We didn't have any, our parents had no tabs on us. It was it was come home when the streetlights are on or it often didn't know where we were or who we were with. So yes, that's that's one factor and managing the whole screen. I mean, what parents or caregiver has not had an argument with

their young person about screen time? Yeah, yeah. It's so it's so common. And, you know, the other sign that's more the clinical response to your initial question is chronic decline. They're going to see you're going to see chronic kind of withdrawal, isolation, grades, maybe problems with authority figures at school. You're going to see this chronic nature of things. And if there's a mental health symptom already there, a depression, anxiety, which a lot of young people have, because we're raising the awareness about mental health, they have

these diagnoses early on, there's a, you know, that's a risk factor. So understanding, you know, where, you know, the family history and what the risk factors are. But parents are under pressure like never before. Last year, the the surgeon general in the US came out with a public report saying that parents were under so much pressure, stress. And so parents really need to take care of themselves. Yeah. And that's what my book talks about. It's when one person in the family is struggling, everyone in the system is impacted. Well, what do they say about addiction? That it's- Yeah, nine people, something. Yeah, it's not just an issue for the person who's dealing with the addiction,

but it's everyone that loves them and cares for them that has their own issue with it as well. At what point, Susan, would you recommend, if a parent knows that their child is struggling, at what point is it important, do you say, okay, you as a parent can't do this yourself. You need to bring in professional help. Immediately.

Immediately, okay. Immediately, yeah. So you don't think this, so the idea that we were taught for years about scaring a kid straight. That's that that that that doesn't hold water. Well, the you know, the example you gave before my segment was was great with that. There would be consequences if if the grades weren't kept or if cheating happened or if AI was used. So when, when kids understand that there are natural consequences for their behaviors, they're going to be in a much better situation to, to influence. Yeah. We don't want to try to be controlling kids. We want to try to be influencing them. And if they're used to healthy limits, healthy guidelines that they're going to get in trouble

because there are, there's discipline and there's structure present in the household but if everything's loose they won't be able to understand that there would be and parents can always be educating themselves. The great thing is in the couple of decades I've been doing this work there's so many more parent groups than there ever were and they're low barrier they're no cost to parents they they can talk to peers, they can assess whether their child has a problem or not. Sometimes parents think that there's an issue and there isn't. So getting yourself education, getting some understanding of what might be happening, so that

you can have information is power. Yeah. Well, and talking about it in a comfortable setting, right. And I mean, you've done a great example here by being sharing that you talk to somebody in the better health. I talk to one of the best, Susan. Wow. Susan, can you give our listeners a sense of,

we always hear that the human brain is constantly developing and continues to develop until the mid-20s, I think. So give parents who might be listening a sense of the impact. There are parents who have dealt with their own issues, and there are parents who have tried this drug or that drug or had the occasional drink after work.

What is the impact of those drugs or those things that, how is it different on the developing brain? Yeah, the developing brain is a lot easier to hijack. Okay. So because of all of that pruning hasn't happened yet. And because the prefrontal cortex, the rational decision-making part of the brain isn't developed yet. The substances and screens for that matter, different clicking dopamine seeking activities really puts that offline. So if it's not developed yet, and then you're putting it offline with substances or behaviors, that's you're really going to get like higher impulse control issues. So natural, you know, parents will often say,

well, why didn't, why did their phone die? Why didn't they call me? Well, they're not thinking about those things because the brain's not developed. If you add substances into that, you're going to have higher risk behaviors and you're gonna have higher risk symptoms showing. So that is sort of the silver lining

in the sort of the, is my kid going down the wrong path or not? Because if the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and the impact of drugs on or alcohol on that developing brain is a bigger swing, right? From what we used to know as their normal behavior to what we're now seeing as outside of the norm. Absolutely, absolutely.

And in simple terms, boys tend to act out and girls tend to act in. Girls are a little more secretive, a little more maybe into some of the other mental health symptoms like cutting self-harm, suicidality. Boys are more, you'll see anger, you'll see outbursts, you'll see problems at school. I mean, those are very generalizations,

but it gives you a sense of, you know, just because your daughters in their room isolating, you think they're doing their homework, like you need to know what they're doing. Almost think doors are sometimes overrated on kids' bedrooms and having all that privacy and having, you know, you don't know what their algorithm they're onto. And there's some really dangerous stories out there and concerns about even kids that

aren't in the mental health and addiction realm that are getting kind of swept in by an algorithm that shifts overnight. And that they can't look away because their brain is not developed yet. So whereas we have more rational ability, some of us. Yeah, some of us, yeah. Susan, there are some parents out there, I have some friends who are parents who say, you know what, I'd rather my kid do something in my house

than do it outside. And there is an argument for that. That wouldn't happen necessarily in my house. And it certainly wouldn't happen at 14 years old. My God, the last thing I want is the reputation in the neighborhood. This is the house that 14 year olds come to drink at. But there is that there is that theory out there that I'd rather it happen under my own roof or I keep an eye on it.

What is your response as a mental health professional on that way of thinking? I think that it's a bit of protecting your child from the natural evolution of things. And I'm not sure it's a healthy protecting. I'm not sure that I would do that. I don't have my own kids, but I work with a lot of other people's kids.

I'm not sure that, you know, I've gone to funerals of kids that have done what they're doing in their own home. And so kids, you know, sadly die at home too. And lastly, Susan, is, you know, there are certain parents who are emotional and when they feel, then they feel the best way to get through to their kids is to beat their chest and scream and intimidate,

intimidate the bad behavior out of their kid. I would be lying if I said that in certain instances, I haven't employed that tactic. I'd also be lying to say that it didn't work oftentimes. And so I think it depends entirely on the kid in the situation. But in the very particular case of issues with substance abuse where a parent could just be so hurt.

Very quickly, I don't have a lot of time left, but is that a good idea? Just give me a yes or no in a quick sentence. No, it's not a good idea. Manage your own anger first. Say, I'm so angry I have to leave the room right now. Okay, Susan, thank you so much for joining us. The book is called What's Wrong with My Teen, Susan Raphael.

How can people find you? Real quick, social media website. SusanRaphael.ca Thank you so much, and I will see you at my next session. Thanks, Ben. The Walking Shwarma is crispy, saucy, and made to move. Only at Osmos. Limited time only. Bold meat shwarma. Go get it.