The Ben Mulroney Show - The Dilemma Panel - Snooping on your Kids

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

The Dilemma Panel Guest: Erin Bury, The founder of Willful, and Globe and Mail Columnist Guest: Anthony Farnell, Chief Meteorologist at Global News If you enjoyed the podcast, tell a friend! For more of the Ben Mulroney Show, subscribe to the podcast! https://globalnews.ca/national/program/the-ben-mulroney-show Follow Ben on Twitter/X at https://x.com/BenMulroney Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer is Tim's Ice Latte season. It's also hike season, pool season, picnic season, and yeah, I'm down season. So drink it up with Tim's Ice Latte, now whipped for a smooth taste. Order yours on the Tim's app today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door? A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool?

Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Welcome to the Dilemma Panel. No question is too awkward. No problem too petty. And no opinion goes unchallenged. Our panel of over-thinkers is here to dissect, deliberate, and sometimes derail the conversation entirely. Grab your popcorn. This isn't just advice. It's a front row seat to life's most hilariously

relatable train wrecks. Here's your host, Ben Mulrooney. Yes, indeed. Welcome back to the Ben Mulrooney show, the dilemma portion of the show. And I want to remind you that we can't do the dilemma unless we know what your dilemmas are. And the pathway to getting us that information

is askben at corusent.com. That's A-S-K-B-E-N at C-O-R-U-S-E-N-T dot com. Just let us know what it is. It could be anything. It could be a household issue. It could be a professional issue. It could be something that ticks you off at the gym. You could be asking us, am I the a-hole? Anything. We'll try to solve it. We probably won't, but we'll have fun trying.

All right, we're joined now by two great guests. We've got Erin Burry, the founder of Willful and Global Male Columnist and frequent guest on the Ben Mulroney Show. Erin, welcome to the show. Thanks, Ben. Great to be here. And our other guests will be joining us in just a moment. Erin, it's just you and me for now.

So let's put our heads together and make Canada a better place, shall we? I'm on it, ready. All right, here we go. We're jumping to the first one. Dear Ben, I'm in a serious disagreement with my husband over something I did that I thought was responsible parenting, but he sees it as a betrayal of our daughter's privacy.

We have two kids, 13 and 16, and lately I've had a bad feeling about our older daughter. She's been withdrawn, spending more time alone in a room and acting off. Call it mother's intuition, but something didn't sit right. So while she was out one day, I looked through her drawer. I wasn't rifling through her underwear drawer. I just checked her desk and bedside table.

I didn't end up finding anything, but that's because my husband stopped me after barely 15 minutes of searching. Well, 15 minutes sounds like a lot. He said I violated her trust and that if she finds out, she'll never open up to us again or worse, she'll deliberately hide things. Was I wrong to look? Is it not a parent's right to know what's going on in their kids' lives?

Assigned anonymous. Well, this is a mother who wrote, talking about mother's intuition. So I'm gonna pass the mic to you, Erin. Well, Ben, I'm curious as to your take, because your kids are a bit older. Mine are one and a half and three and a half. So I'm curious as to your take, because your kids are a bit older. Mine are one and a half and three and a half. So I'm not at this stage yet, but I'm trying to put myself

in my shoes when I was a teenager. I'm very close with my mom and I definitely kept a journal and I'm sure I hid things from her. And I would have felt it was a huge betrayal of trust for her to go through my things. And I would take that same approach to my own daughters. It's not that I wouldn't try to figure out what was going on, but I think there's probably a way to do it without really violating the children's trust. Because if anything, that would have made me

actually pull back from my mom versus the opposite, which is what she's trying to get her kids to do here, which is really to open up. Also, I think, you have to present a united front as parents. And if you're really on opposite ends of the spectrum here, one of you is okay with snooping, the other isn't, you have to kind of come up with some kind of compromise and go forward with that. So I'm going to say here, I don't think snooping is the answer. I do think open communication, whether that's going to family therapy

or having open family dinner conversations or asking open-ended questions might be the way here. Not saying it's the solution. Again, I'm not the expert on teen kids here. So Ben, I'm gonna throw it over to you. What would you do? Have you snooped, first of all? I haven't had a need to snoop,

but I reserve the right to do whatever I want in my house. I'm the one paying the bills. I'm gonna say I, I haven't had a need to snoop, but I reserve the right to do whatever I want in my house. I'm the one paying the bills. And when I say I, I mean me and my wife. My kid, I come from, I was raised by an old stock Serbian lady. We had old school parenting. And because of that, I knew that I was, I was living in my parents' world. As my mom used to say, I didn't have kids to live in their world. I had kids so they would live in my world.

And that is, I subscribe to that. Like I, I don't want kids to live in their world. I had kids so they would live in my world. And that is, I subscribe to that. Like I don't wanna be friends with my kids. Friends are a dime a dozen. You can throw a rock and hit a friend. I'm the only dad they're ever gonna have. That's a special relationship. And it is not a marriage of equals. I have information to impart on them.

I've been around the block. And they know in my house, in our house, I should say, that if I think something's off, I'm gonna do whatever I wanna do and whatever I think is necessary to right the ship. And if it means going through their stuff, I'm going through their stuff. And they've never given me reason to.

We have open levels of communication, but we have levels set from the. But but that's we have level set from the beginning, they know they live in my house. They know that they're the room that they live in is that a room I pay for the door those doors do not get locked. But they've never given me a reason to barge in. So that's those are the rules of my house. But Ben, it sounds like the threatening to snoop actually eliminates the need to snoop because they're going to be open with you and tell you what I agree. I'm going to borrow that.

Well, thank you very much. And we're joined by our third member of the dilemma panel. Welcome to the show for the first time, Anthony Farnell, chief meteorologist at Global News. Anthony, thanks so much for joining us on the dilemma. Thanks for having me on Ben. So jump right into this conversation. We're talking about would you snoop on your kids? There's a woman who wrote in who wanted to snoop on her daughter because she got a bad feeling about her. The husband felt it was a betrayal of the daughter's trust. And what do you think?

I mean, I'm kind of with the husband on this one. And I don't know the level of mistrust or what the reason or what they're looking for in that room. I guess that's kind of what it comes down to. If you think it's maybe drugs or there's something that you can help with, but if it's just snooping around to try and find information about a teenager that maybe is being a little bit distant, I don't know. For me, that seems like a bit of an invasion

and then it's gonna lead to, to yeah, exactly that. Maybe trying to go behind your parents back and hiding things better. For me, it's about expectation of privacy. As a child in my house, you have no expectation of privacy. I'm kidding, I'm trying to make a point, but I'm like Ronald Reagan, trust but verify. I trust you, so long as you give me a reason to trust you.

The second you take that reason away, I become J. Edgar Hoover. All right, we're going to move on. Yeah. I mean, what is the reason though? What would be the reason? If all of a sudden my kids were, if they had a precipitous drop in their grades, if the level of respect that they were giving us at home changed, if the level of communication that we had

all of a sudden stopped and they weren't being the people that I was raising. And if all of a sudden it felt like something else was influencing them and I didn't know what it was, absolutely I am tearing that room apart. Yeah. Would you try talking to them first? I talk to them every day.

That's my point that we fostered that relationship. We have that. If something came in and changed it, yeah, I would say, what's going on? Let's talk. And if they didn't want to talk, yep, you're darn right. You're coming home to a police state. But like I said, we haven't gotten to that point. All right, let's move on to the next dilemma. This is a classic Reddit. Am I the a-hole? Am I the a-hole for refusing to give my sister the wedding dress I bought even though I'm not getting married anymore? Am I? So you didn't give my sister the wedding dress I bought, even though I'm not getting married anymore? Am I?

So you're saying give my sister the wedding dress I bought? Okay. So I'm a 29 year old woman and I was supposed to get married last year, but my fiance and I ended up breaking things off a few months before the wedding. It was mutual, no drama, just a realization we weren't compatible long-term. The thing is, I'd already bought my wedding dress custom, it cost me nearly four grand. After the breakup, I packed it up and put it in storage. Haven't really, haven't been ready to sell it

or do anything with it. It's emotional. And here's where it gets messy. My younger sister recently got engaged. We're not super close, kind of different people. And she's always been a bit entitled, honestly. She came over a few weeks ago, saw the dress when we were organizing my storage closet

and asked if she could have it for her wedding. I kind of laughed and said, no, that's mine. She got annoyed and said, but you're not even getting married. You're just going to let it rot in a box. I told her again, it's personal to me. Our mom is now involved and thinks I should give it to her, quote, as a gesture of sisterly love because it's going to go to waste.

Ouch. So now they both think I'm being selfish. Am I being the a-hole? Anthony, I'm going to go to you first. If you had something that was personal to you and somebody else wanted it and you weren't really using it, what would you do in this situation? I mean, I would say no.

I would be like, this means a lot to me. Number one, you don't know that I'm not gonna get married shortly and meet the one. And also when you start making it custom for yourself it's kind of yours it's yours to do what you want with I get the sister asking I understand that there is kind of this hey it is it's getting dust there why can't I use it and we can we can kind of celebrate it together but for me I don't know. It has a deeper meaning when it involves a breakup

and just seeing your sister who's younger and trying to kind of fill your shoes, I guess. Yeah, I agree. Erin, it feels like the two are ganging up on the older sister here and saying, it's going to go to waste. That's got to hurt as somebody who has not given up on love. Yeah, not a lot of confidence from the family that she's going to find lasting love.

And listen, Ben, I am uniquely positioned to answer this because I was literally a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. If you can answer it in 30 seconds, please. I'm going to. This dress is hers. And not only does she have a chance to wear it again, she could also pass it on to her kids, which is something I hope to do to my daughter someday. So keep the dress in its hanger. Don't give it away. Hold firm and tell your parents you're going to find love. That is a mic drop to end all mic drops. All right, guys, thank you so much. Don't go anywhere. Much more with the Dilemma panel when the Ben Mulroney show comes back after the break. Welcome back. We're double dipping with the D dipping with the dilemma welcome back Aaron Burry and Anthony

Farnell very much appreciate you guys. Anthony what are you making about the warm weather here in the city of Toronto? Finally! I know, Jesus! It's been a long time coming and I don't want to hear anybody complaining. Did you predict the cold May that we had? I knew it was going to kind of be a rough month where it had some false hope early on. So yeah, we saw that coming. I wish you'd told me because I was sad the whole month.

All right, let's jump right back in. Here's the next dilemma, guys. Dear Ben, one of my closest friends asked if she could borrow my car next weekend. Her car is in the shop and she has a big family event out of town. On paper, it sounds harmless closest friends asked if she could borrow my car next weekend. Her car is in the shop and she has a big family event out of town. On paper it sounds harmless and I do want to help her but the truth is I really don't feel comfortable saying yes. She's not exactly the most responsible person. She's gotten a couple of speeding tickets once backed to a pole and she's the kind of driver who texts at red lights and laughs it off.

I've made excuses before, oh I need it that day, or the brakes are acting weird, but this time she pushed harder and I could tell she was annoyed when I said I'd get back to her. I know she'll take it personally if I say no and I hate the idea of offending her, but I also hate the idea of anyone else behind the wheel of my car. Am I being uptight? Signed, Megan. Let's start with you Anthony, what do you think? I mean a car is expensive. Let's start with you, Anthony. What do you think? I mean, a car is expensive. A car is expensive and you kind of need it. So if you get in an accident or something happens and you don't have access to it when the weekend's over, I don't know, I would maybe be the same way. I think it's all a finessing situation where if you really don't want to lend your car to somebody, it's how you tell them. I wouldn't maybe lead with, I don't trust you, you're unreliable. But I don't know, I would find a way to say it better.

I agree. So many of the dilemmas that we have are rooted in people not being fearful of honest communication with the other person. And this to me, Erin feels like, look, this is your friend. If this person really is a friend of yours, have an honest conversation about what your concerns are and see what happens after that. Absolutely. Ben, I'm turning 40 this week and you know, the older you get, the more willing you are to set boundaries. I've loaned a lot of sweaters and books and jewelry to friends. And guess what? I either never see it again or it comes back with a coffee stain.

Sometimes it comes back in perfect condition, but nine times out of 10, it's still missing a couple of years later. A car is a really expensive item and you have a deductible on your insurance policy likely, which means you'd be out of pocket if anything did happen, not the friends. So I agree with Anthony, set the boundary and set the boundary. I don't lend my car to anyone. This isn't about you. This is about this being one of my largest assets, if not my largest asset. And I'm not willing to hand it out like I would a paperback novel where the stakes are really low. Yeah. And look, if you're able to have it, that's, that's the most direct way to go get

to a no, you're not getting my car. But if you're open, having a conversation saying, listen, I have watched you, you are unsafe behind the wheel. You're unwilling to do even the basic things like keeping your hands off your cell phone. I cannot trust you with this unless like, unless we talk this up, maybe, maybe the person will say, look, I commit to being far more responsible. I don't know. And then it's up to you to decide.

Or you could just lie and say, I checked my insurance. I'm not, my car doesn't, my insurance does not allow for other drivers other than me. So unless you wanna pay for the change in my policy, we're up the creek here. Yeah, at the end of the day, I mean, it's your decision, right? It's that

you're not if you lose a friend because of this. Right. Exactly. You think your friendship stronger. Exactly. All right. Here's the next one. Dear Ben's panel, my mother is getting remarried in a few months and I'm struggling with whether or not to attend. The man she's marrying is the same man she had an affair with. And while she's still married with my dad, their marriage fell apart because of it and it was painful, humiliating chapter for our whole family. My dad was devastated and I had to watch him try to hold himself together while my mom moved on like nothing happened. Now she's throwing a big sunny wedding and expects me to smile, sit near the front, and

toast to her new beginning. I just can't. I haven't fully forgiven her and every time I picture myself there I feel sick. I've told her I'm uncomfortable. And all it led to was tears on her part. My sister is going and has urged me to reconsider, but I'm going to spend the day with my father instead. Do you think I'm making the right decision? Signed anonymous. Ooh, boy, that's a doozy.

Erin, jump right in, please. Right in the deep end. Ben, why do I feel like you always choose these based on my personal background? So I have a family member in this exact same situation. What? They are married to the person they had an affair with 30 years ago that broke up their marriage. And based on that, I would say to this person, at the time, it's very contentious. At the time, I can understand not wanting to sit there. But 30 years later, all of the parties involved

are happily remarried. It's water under the bridge, and it's in the past. And I would ask myself, in 30 years, am I going to wish that I was sitting there at my mom's wedding? And the answer is yes. But Erin, in this case, it doesn't seem like all is forgiven, like it's water under the bridge. It does. But Erin, in this case, it doesn't seem like all is

forgiven, like is water under the bridge. It does. But if it is, will they regret it? Yeah, but I'm looking at it from the perspective of, look, the mom had the affair. Affairs don't just affect the couple. They have residual traumatic effects on a whole bunch of parties, including most notably

the kids. And it seems to me that the mom is not giving the proper weight to the trauma that her daughter endured from watching the safest relationship that she was supposed to see her parents crumble. And then to see the mom sort of celebrate a new, I mean, I can say she's being re-traumatized. I'm reading it in real time here and I just don't know that they've talked about it enough and the mom is just hoping that a big party is gonna get her over the hump. Anthony, what do you think? Yeah, I mean, a wedding's a great day, a second wedding some would say is maybe less important and I think you do have to look at it in

the big picture. And yeah, 30 years down the road. But is that wedding day in particular going to mean that much attending or not attending? Maybe the dad needs support in this moment because he's having a tougher time and really needs somebody to be with that day. And I don't know, I see it kind of the opposite way

where it doesn't mean you're going to never talk to your mom again, but right now it's too raw and it's going to cause more harm over the long term than maybe good. Yes, yeah, I'm seeing it. I'm going to the wedding. But Erin, don't you think, like, the fact that the daughter doesn't want to go to the wedding speaks to a responsibility that the mom had because she's the responsible party. She made a decision for herself to blow up the family. I'm not criticizing that or judging that, but she made a decision that impacted her daughter.

And now her daughter is in a place where she says, I don't feel like celebrating with you. It's incumbent on the mother to make the daughter feel comfortable, not the daughter to figure out how she can live with herself by going to this wedding. The responsibility is on the mother here, in my opinion. Well, absolutely.

I mean, I think if she was empathetic to the situation, then she probably would have given the option, hey, I understand the trauma that this has caused and I wanna make space for you. I'd love for you to be there. There will be a seat. But I also completely understand if you can't because of the situation

and I'll respect you your choice either way. It sounds like actually the dilemma here is not should she attend the wedding. The dilemma is should she address that lack of empathy and respect with her mother? And the answer there is not should she attend the wedding. The dilemma is should she address that lack of empathy and respect with her mother? And the answer there is yes, although I'm still going to the wedding. Yeah, I see.

I don't, based on the limited information we have, Anthony, I think you're right, Erin. It's a lack of empathy from the mother. I think she's, she made a decision that I'm sure was the right one for her. We don't know why she cheated, but she seems happy now. But she's not considering the spillover effect of an affair and breaking up a marriage

and then having a big celebration when the father is still hurting. And it seems like all that empathy, it seems like the daughter has almost dug a deeper well of empathy to compensate for the lack of empathy from the mom, Anthony. Yeah, I mean, I see that too. If you really want to blow this wedding up, your date could be your father. That could lead to some fireworks. But yeah, no, I think at the end of the day, it's kind of her decision. And the fact that the other sister maybe

isn't affected the same way doesn't mean anything. So it's really up to her. She might have been too young to be affected the way this sister was. So to this person who signed it anonymous, I think you're not doing anything wrong. You've made the right decision. But you might want to open up a conversation with your mother

to discuss these things to see if there's a path for her to be understanding as to why you're not there. That would be my suggestion. But guys, thank you, Anthony. Thank you, Erin. Really appreciate you joining me on The Dilemma, and I hope we can do it again soon. Thanks, Ben. VIP Days of Our Lives set tour, a helicopter ride over LA, and so much more. Watch Weekdays at One and look for the weekly code word to enter.

Days of Our Lives. All new Weekdays at One, only on W. Stream on StackTV.