The Ben Mulroney Show - Tough times parenting your teen? Our expert shines a light

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

GUEST:  Bethelene HART /  Early Childhood Education Expert If you enjoyed the podcast, tell a friend! For more of the Ben Mulroney Show, subscribe to the podcast! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠��https://link.chtbl.com/bms⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Also, on youtube -- ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@BenMulroneyShow⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow Ben on Twitter/X at https://x.com/BenMulroney Insta: ⁠⁠⁠@benmulroneyshow⁠⁠⁠ Twitter: ⁠⁠⁠@benmulroneyshow⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠@benmulroneyshow⁠⁠⁠ Executive Producer:  Mike Drolet Reach out to Mike with story ideas or tips at [e-mail] Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. Are you the parent of a teen? Are you just throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark hoping to God? Do you hit the bullseye? That's how I feel all the time.

And we just hope we're doing right by our kids, but it feels like a moving target. And we get conflicting advice. And sometimes you're told that what you're doing is right. And other times you're told, don't do that thing. And so to sort out some of this stuff and to talk through some issues and some scenarios, so happy to have back with us, Beth. He's an early childhood education expert.

We're talking about teens and anxiety in teens and how to alleviate it and all those, all those things because I need all the help I can get. I'm sure you're the same way. And later on, Bethlehem's going to stick around in our second segment. You're going to want to stick around as well because we're going to be taking your calls. If you have questions, if you have suggestions, if you want tips, if you want to tell us, share your story, you'll give us a call then. But Bethlehem, thank you so much for coming back.

So fun. thanks for having me. So my sons are going to be 16 on the 12th. And we've talked about it last week. They are good kids. But sometimes you can't tell if your kid is anxious and dealing with anxiety. It doesn't present in a way that I think adults might even appreciate or notice. And teenage years, kids are very self-conscious and very, you know, the social part is more pronounced.

So it's developmentally appropriate to want to separate from your parent a bit, create your own sense of identity. You know, when kids are little and they put on the Superman costume, and that's the sort of imaginary play. Teenagers are kind of like that too. Just they don't put on the costume per se, but, you know, they're trying on new identities. And the anxiety presents maybe more internally than externally,

but they're looking more for their peers for approval and the social connection sort of is more primary. And there's parents, despite their best efforts, I think we've kind of spun a lot of parents into a frenzy about over-programming their kids or, I don't know, trying to be their friend instead of their parent. I think each one is dependent entirely on the kid, but there's also you could be operating with the best of intentions

and ending up with the exact opposite result that you're hoping for. With children, and when I'm working with families, I'll ask, what do you want the end result to be? It's like, I want to. Compliance company. Good luck with that. You know, I want a child who's confident,

independent, a good citizen of the world. I said, okay, then we need to start here. So when we allow our kids at a young age to learn to problem solve, to fail, that it's okay to make mistakes, to try new things. and it's a muscle they exercise. If they haven't had a chance to practice decision-making

and failing when they're little, and if we give a big reaction when they do, then they won't have that when you're not there when you're not there to oversee. You want them to be able to make good choices and decisions. And you also want them to come to you no matter what. You want to be their safe space. And so I had a phrase that we had with my kids,

which was, if you need to tell me something and you're worried, I'm going to get mad. I want you to say that. Mom, I have to tell you something, but I'm worried you might get upset. Let me jump in on something with that because we were having, looking at another story on our morning show here in Toronto, called Toronto Today with Greg Brady, who spoke with Carolyn Gorman, who's a fellow at the Manhattan Institute, looking at this research, they're talking about the University of Michigan, they're hiding grades for students. And because they don't want to deal with their anxiety. Because there is such a mental health crisis that they think that.

The best thing to do is to not put anything in front of them that may make it worse like their grades. And she talks about how failing is a very good thing. Failing is a good thing. It teaches us, right? And this is not the end of the world. Failing a college course is not the end of the world, okay? Getting a B in a college course is not the end of the world. And so we need to let young people learn how to become adults.

Are you going to fail sometimes? Yes, that sends you a message about maybe what you should or shouldn't be doing. What's better or worse for you? What are your natural talents? Failing is a good thing. I always say you learn more from your failures than you do from your successes. And yet at this, again, this second story about weirdness coming out of universities, I would expect more from a university than to think that the best way to solve a problem

is to pretend the problem doesn't exist. Yeah, that's not helpful. No? No, because we want our kids to be able to move through the world. and if they're struggling, then they're struggling. But protecting them is not really protecting them. That's like an enabling situation. It's so, it's infantilizing too.

As we're trying to mold them, give them the tools to become the adults they're going to be. Codling them like this is, and it's only going to make their anxiety worse ultimately, I think, because it's like using Puell all the time and then all of a sudden got a super bug, right? If you keep doing this same thing, ultimately it's going to, the real world will hit them smack in the face and it's going to hurt more if they haven't been acclimatized to it. Well, let's look at the value. Where did the value come from for this kid or these children where they feel like they have to be super achievers? So what's the message that they've been given that, you know, at all, you know, at any expense is the grade? you know interestingly studies show that social being socially aware and socially successful

is more important than being academically successful like if you have good social skills your chance of being successful in life is so much greater oh god that's absolutely so long as i think you self have to have to have a fundamental um you know you have to be smart in one way it's either emotionally uh or socially there's a level of intelligence that has to be brought to the table And I completely agree with you. I'm going to let you continue, but I want to remind our listeners and our viewers to give us a call at 416-8-8-0-60400

or 1-8-2-25 talk. We're speaking with a lovely and learned and esteemed and one of my favorite guests I've had in a very long time. Bethlehem Heart, she's helping us navigate the world. How can we best help our teen children? And, yeah, I think hiding them, protecting them from the world and protecting them from this idea of here's your action and whether you like it or not,

the consequence is a grade. Like, welcome to the world. And that it's okay, you know, like, we're not going to be good at everything. But what happens is if kids are afraid of not doing well, then they give up. Yeah. That they don't feel motivated to try again.

You know, babies, they keep falling down, they keep wanting to stand up. But if we push our kids to the point where, I know I know of people who You know the child comes home with All A and one B And the response is well What about what's that? What about that B?

You know? My daughter, my daughter is great at so many things And on her at school There was just one class that she wasn't even trying at And we kind of were talking to the teachers And everything and we kind of realized Because so many things came so easily to her And she was very proficient in a lot of things

when she encountered that tough thing, she just threw up her hands that this must be the thing I'm not good at and just gave up trying. And so we've now worked together to put a plan together to get her to understand that you have to try. You may not be good at certain things,

but you're not going to know, you haven't tried yet. And there's a difference between, you know, trying to climb the mountain and failing and never even starting. But you did two really great things is you identified that this is difficult and that how can we support you?

So you put things in place to help. help her and you're letting her know it's okay to not be great at everything, but trying is the thing. Like not, you know, kids won't do things that they think they're not going to be good at. Maybe they want to take dance and they're really not good at dance, but they really want to do it. And they should do it. Yeah. Who says we have to be good at everything? I know.

I just want to let you know. I want to round out what I just told you because it wouldn't be, it wouldn't be Mulrooney parenting without a little bit of fear of God. Like, we are not going through this again, Ivy. I do not want to get a call from your teacher that you didn't finish your brother. So she understood that come to us early. Absolutely. Come to us anytime.

But the best time when you get the best happiest version of me is if you come to me early. If I find out from the teachers, you're going to get a different version of me. And that's so cool. Like, you know, we want our kids to be internally motivated, not externally motivated. Because if they're always told what to do, then they don't know how to think for themselves. I agree. Yeah. Welcome back to the Ben Mulroney show.

and please give us a call at 416-8-8-0-6400 or 1-3-8-2-25 talk. We're so pleased to have Bethlehem Hart here with us talking about how we can help our kids, our teenage kids, be the best versions of themselves. Whoever they become, how can we help them do that? And there's talk, Bethelene, we were talking about before, about how the University of Michigan, in an effort to stem the rising tide of anxiety amongst their first-year students has just decided, we're not going to show them their grades.

They're just going to be told they either pass or they did not complete. And Carolyn Gorman, who's a fellow at the Manhattan Institute, was speaking with Greg Brady on this very radio station this morning on Toronto today. And here's what she said about hiding grades. Look, if there was a mental health crisis, then the University of Michigan should provide mental health care. Hiding grades is not health care. And this is typical of how the university has treated mental health in the past.

and that is more like a student amenity than health care. The school has 17 relaxation rooms and a wellness zone with massage chairs. And by the way, this is how most college campuses, what campus mental health looks like. The University of Oregon gave students a therapy duck after the 2024 presidential election because it assumed its students were upset. That is not preparing young people for the real world. Definitely, we were not going to include that clip, but when she referenced the therapy duck, we said we have to. Absolutely have to.

Come on. When you hear that and you hear what she says about mental health being treated like an amenity, what do you think? I'm still stuck on therapy duck. Yeah. Mental health for kids, it starts with acknowledging how they feel, validating where they're at, not moving them through things, not gaslighting them like you're. you're fine, you're okay, just connecting with them. So as a teenager, you know, when children are little, they never stop talking to you, right? It's like my kid will not stop talking to me.

And then when they're teenagers, they won't talk to you at all. You want to keep that communication open. That is a mental health piece, is having a safe person to go to, to talk to, but creating an environment that they feel safe to come to you. Kids, when they're teenagers, they're not going to, you can't grow. them. They will come to you when they're ready. When you're doing your work with kids, how big of a problem to overcome is a parent who is just stubborn about, I know, I'm doing the right thing. It's clearly something's wrong with my kid.

Yeah. Well, that's a power struggle in the making. And if you have that attitude, I always ask, what's your end result? You know, do you want to have a power struggle? You know, do you want to have a power struggle in the making? And if you know, do you want to have a trusting, loving relationship with your kid, or do you want them to just do what you tell them to do? And if we want kids to be original thinkers, we need to give them opportunity to... It's tough as a parent. Like, teenagers are not easy to raise,

but they also are amazing and, like, curious. And go in with curiosity. I'm curious, like, you know, what is it that, you know, motivates you to feel that way? going with curiosity. Don't just shut yourself down to your kids because they have thoughts and of their own and they need to be able to express them. I roll my eyes when I hear parents talk about being best friends

with their kid and I would say why would you diminish your relationship as a parent? They've got one of you, they got one of the mom. They can throw a stone and make a friend with the first person they hit. Like that's friends relative to parents or a dime a dozen. How do you feel about that? And is it just nomenclature or is there an actual paradigm shift in someone's head when they start thinking of that they're a friend as opposed to a parent? I think there's a difference between respect and being a friend.

And if you show respect and you get respect and you have a loving, warm relationship with your kids, it feels friendly. That's lovely. but being a friend means that who's the alpha. You're still the parent. Your child still needs to know who's in charge. And I don't mean that in an aggressive kind of way. It's just a safety thing.

It's like, I need to know that somebody's looking after things. Somebody steering the ship, exactly. And that sometimes we may have to say things or do things for our kids that they don't like. You know, if they come to you and they want to do something that it doesn't align with you. and you have to say, you know, this is not at this time or, you know, I try to avoid no only because that's like, it just becomes a power struggle. But you can say, hey, you know, I'd like to know more about that. But being friendly is different than being a friend.

You have to be clear about the boundaries of who's doing what. I don't often say no. If they ask me to do something, I say, what do you think I'm going to say? You're going to say no. I'm like, well, there's your answer. I don't actually have to say the no. They know it's coming anyway. And but it's, I, I've told you before, I'm a, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

equal, equal parts carrot and stick. And, and they don't know which one they're going to get. No, I'm kidding. But no, I think, I think, having, being a parent means, um, having to play, be the heavy, right? And you can't be a, if my friends talk to me the way my parents talk to me, I wouldn't be friends with them anymore, right? So it just does, it's not a hat I want to wear. I don't know about the heavy, though.

Like, there, you can do it, but not. It doesn't have to be heavy-handed, per se. And kids, every parent's going to be different. And kids know, they know the lay of the land. But if you want your kids to be somebody who can come to you when they're in trouble, like my, I remember when my daughter said to me, you know, like, can I call you? Like if it's midnight or one or it was like, yeah, you can. And I got that call.

Yeah. And I picked her up and she, I'm a little underage drinking, you know. And I was like, you know what? I'm not going to nag you. I'm not going to lecture you. You feel like crap right now. And good. Remember this feeling.

And then it happened one more time the following week. And I kind of joked and I said, no judgment here, but just wondering how many more times you think I'm going to be getting this call. And she smiled at me. And she's like, this the last time. And so I was loving with her. But at the same time, she knew what my beliefs and my values were. And you were keeping it cool, but maybe beneath the surface.

mom was thinking. Well, life was giving her the natural consequence, right? And kids will push, if we push too hard, then we will actually push them in the wrong direction. Yeah. Yeah. So I kind of want to be careful that. No, I agree. And every now and then I try to check in, especially I think I've either not been there enough or I think life and maybe sometimes me have gotten a little too hard. So I try to like, you know, open the lines of communication and say, okay, how are we feeling? Like what's going on? When dad was hard on you yesterday, I know I was hard, and I want to apologize, it came off too hard. Are you okay?

And stuff like that. And I love that because that's the repair piece and that's the human piece that we're not always going to do and say the right thing. But the best time with teenagers is if you're picking them up from somewhere and you're sitting side by side, not locking eyes, but conversation is much easier when you're not face to face and bring snacks. Are there any telltale signs of that your child is suffering either from anger? anxiety or from stress or who knows?

Is it anything that we can look at and say, okay, that's definitely something and I've got to, I've got to dive into. Definitely if you see like a really big change in personality and appetite and sleep and, you know, obviously teenagers, there's that happening anyway, socially. And kids are not always comfortable sharing what's going on with them. But, you know, we don't know what's going on with them with social media. if you've established that relationship with their child already where it's okay to check in and, you know, take them out somewhere and be like, you don't have to share with me anything,

but I kind of sense just something up. And if you want to share it, I'd like to hear. And oftentimes they will. My daughter yesterday, she wanted to show me something on her phone, but she wouldn't let me hold it. And I said, I said, Ivy, let me be very clear here. Every time I've seen you at a fork in the road where you could do the wrong thing or the right thing, you do the right thing. And so I'm not, I have no reason to ever look in your phone. just don't give me a reason to look at your phone. And then she relaxed. I said, I trust you.

But, you know, as a dad, it's trust but verify. So, you know, you keep doing the right things. I'll never look at your phone. And then she relaxed me and fun. I don't know what's on her phone, but chances are it's pictures of puppies. But you told her you trust her. Yeah, I do. I trust all of them.

That's also like a really wonderful message for kids to hear because oftentimes they don't feel that. You know, imagine being told, I don't trust you, you know, I don't believe you. Well, do you think I'm going to come to you and share with you how I'm really, what's really going on? Bethlehart, thank you so much for being here. Please come back anytime. It makes me feel good to bounce ideas off of you. And I'm sure the audience appreciated it too.

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