The Best of Car Talk - #2523: Born Again Driver

Episode Date: March 22, 2025

Elsa learned to drive as a 15-year-old but she's been bumming rides around Iowa City ever since. Now she's 70 and she thinks she can just hop back behind the wheel and it'll all come back to her. Will Click and Clack have enough time to warn Elsa's neighbors to stay inside for a few weeks while she tests her theory? Find out on this episode of the Best of Car Talk.Get access to hundreds of episodes in the Car Talk archive when you sign up for Car Talk+ at plus.npr.org/cartalkLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

There's a lot of news happening. You want to understand it better, but let's be honest, you don't want it to be your entire life either. Well, that's sort of like our show, Here and Now Anytime. Every weekday on our podcast, we talk to people all over the country about everything from political analysis to climate resilience, video games. We even talk about dumpster diving on this show. Check out Here and Now Anytime, a daily podcast from NPR and WBUR. Hello and welcome to Card Talk from National Public Radio with us clicking clack the tet Brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from the Department of Updates here at Car Talk Plaza.

Now, here's a little update on an old issue that resurfaced due to a report broadcast a few weeks ago by CBS. What does CBS stand for anyway? Complete? No, no, no, no. Columbia Broadcasting. Oh. Some of you long-time listeners may remember that several years ago we made some untoward comments about Chrysler Corporation. Which time are

you referring to? Well, at that time we were talking about the real latches on their mini vans. Oh yeah, those comments. I think my brother, that would be Raymond, he said something about how people were being thrown out of Chrysler mini vans in all directions, out the back, through the front, out the hood, on the roof. He exaggerated. I admit he exaggerated a little bit. I don't think it was I who said that. Then my brother, Thomas.

That would be Raymond. L. Added that Chrysler was paying off NHTSA so they wouldn't recall the minivans. I must have said they're probablyans. I must have said, they're probably pay... No, no. I must have said that. I remember you said, I know. Those are the words. I know.

I know. Well, parenthetically, I was saying, I know in my heart. Not that I know in my head, because everyone knows I am what? Unencumbered by the... I knew in my heart that there was some sleaziness going on. You ticked them off because you said, I know they're paying off NHTSA so they wouldn't recall the minivans. What happens the next morning? The lawyers are on our doorstep.

Right, of course. And they forced us to apologize because they said that if we didn't apologize, they were gonna sue our sorry butts. And we know that they have more money than we do. And in order to avoid their suing our sorry butts, we said we were sorry even though in my heart I wasn't. Oh, gee. They're gonna sue us again? They're gonna sue us again.

Well, I mean, I can tell you what's in my heart. I mean, I apologized. In my heart. I knew in my heart. Oh, I guess we agree that there was no proof of a defect, and we apologize for suggesting that Chrysler had done anything illegal in regards to influencing Nixon. And now it turns out that CBS thinks that... Is this in your opinion?

Right. I mean, what CBS, the reason CBS did the story was they were trying to show that Chrysler was trying to manipulate NHTSA into not making a recall. Who claimed this? CBS. Not you. Not me. Not me. Okay. No, not even in my heart did I claim this.

Ah. CBS thought, thought that Chrysler was manipulating NHTSA. That's it. Chrysler, of course, says no. No, and according to this report, Chrysler helped two congressmen who happened to set NHTSA's budget write nasty letters to NHTSA. Yeah. I mean, I got the actual, what do you call this thing? Memo. The transcript.

The transcript. There was a memo to Bob Eaton, the chairman of Chrysler at the time, addressed to him and in the letter it says, we've been working on a letter with Hill staff. Hill staff. Oh, Anita Hill. And he says, I have no idea what that means. He says, it could be a person named Hill. Right. He's talking about be a person named Hill. Right. He's talking about Anita Hill. Benny Hill.

Benny Hill. Professor Harold Hill. Come on, in my heart! Yeah, well, anyway, we don't know. We're just bringing you up to date that that's what's going on. And I would love, I think it would be nice if there is any proof that comes out of all of this that we should demand that Chrysler make a public apology to us. We'll let them come back to the studio, and we'll let them sit right here

in the studio and apologize to us personally. I think it's a greater likelihood that their lawyers will call us tomorrow morning. Anyway if you want to, well it's just an update. It's an update. Nothing more. That's our job. Bring you the news. We have no proof and it's all just feelings.

My brother has a lot of feelings. He's an emotion filled guy. And these are CBS's Lloyds, not ours. We're just reporting. That's all we're doing so the Chrysler lawyers can just buzz off because we're just reporting. Well, I guess so. Yeah. Anyway, if you want to report to us, our number is 1-888-227-8255.

Hello you're on Car Talk. Hello, my name is Natalie Conrad. I'm from Oak Park, Michigan. Where in Michigan are you from, Natalie? Oak Park, it's just north of Detroit. Ah, okay, you're going to Detroit? Where lots of cars are coming from. Do you have a Detroit kind of problem?

Well, we have a 92 sunbird. The problem is, is that when we put on the rear defroster, it goes for a couple of minutes, and then, are you ready for a new noise? A noise? A noise. It goes like this. Great. That's to tell you your three minute exit is done.

Yeah. Loud and doesn't stop, doesn't waver, doesn't change pitch or intensity. It just goes like that. So when you switch off the defroster switch, whether it's clear or not, it stops making the noise. When you put it on again after a few minutes, it will go for a little bit and it begins to make the noise again, but in less time than it does the first time. So we've had it into the shop twice. And something was said about a rear defroster relay, and he said he fixed the ground connector connection and I tested it in the shop but I think when they tested it in the shop they probably didn't run it

for more than a minute or so. Probably not. So we've got the same thing again. Well I mean the relay is the only thing in that circuit that can make noise. Well the relay is also a timer. A lot of cars used to have a switch for the rear defrogger, defrogger, that you would turn on and if you forgot to turn it off, the rear defroster would be on from like November to the next November. Yes. And in their wisdom, General Motors has put a timer incorporated into this relay so that the thing can't run for more than I think 20 minutes. You've probably noticed that when it used to

work right back in 1992. That if you turn the thing on and you drove the thing for an hour at some point you'd look down and the little light would be off. Right. And that was the thing working correctly. Yes. And I think what you're hearing now is the relay just going nuts. Well they replaced it. No they didn't. They replaced the ground wire. Oh they did not replace the relay? going nuts. Well, but they replaced it. No, they didn't. They replaced the ground wire. Oh, they did not replace the relay? I thought he said that he did. Well, I have the repair order right in front of me here and it says that he didn't.

No, I don't know what they replaced. I mean, that's why I was expressing some dismay here because if they replace the relay, there is nothing else in that circuit that can possibly make noise. Okay. I mean electrons don't make any noise when they're running around those wires. No they do they go ehhhh. Only if they confront the relay. You're getting good at this. Yeah. So I think if they haven't replaced the relay timer unit then that's what they have to replace Okay, and my suspicion is that they turned the thing on for three minutes during which time it didn't misbehave and someone said

Oh, I think this is a bad ground or maybe they even found a bad ground It's possible the bad ground was responsible for burning the thing out in the re in the first place Yeah, I would like to see their faces when I tell them all this technical stuff. Yeah in the first place. Yeah. I would like to see their faces when I tell them all this technical stuff. Yeah, I mean, they're going to be impressed. You just want to ask them, how come you didn't replace the relay when there you were? And you can say to them, and as we know, there's nothing else in the circuit that could possibly make this noise. Yeah, that sounds good. They'll say, woo-hoo-hoo. Blind them with footwork, Natalie. And then when they're looking down at their shoelaces, hit them with a left.

Yes, now in the event that they have actually replaced the relay. Tell them to replace it again. OK. Good answer. See you, Natalie. OK, well thank you so much for your time and your help. Bye bye.

Bye bye. 1-888-CAR-TALK, that's 1-888-227-8255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hello, this is Don from Springfield, Missouri. Hi Don How you doing? I'm doing pretty good. So what's up? Well, I I have a problem with a Chrysler LeBaron 1993 Chrysler LeBaron convertible. Oh, I am a service manager at a dealership Not a Chrysler dealership, let me say, ahead of time. And you are working at a dealership and not driving the car from that dealership?

No, no, he's working on this one. Well, no. No, this is not a customer. It's worse. It's my girlfriend's. Ah, okay. What happens is, as I'm turning into a parking space, right or left, as I turn the wheel about halfway through the turn, something seems to bind up. What I mean by bind up is that it's

tight and if I go ahead and pull the wheel to finish the turn, you can feel it grab and loosen and then it's okay. Since we are not a Chrysler dealership, I've had a few guys that have looked at it, and maybe I shouldn't say this because I've heard that Chrysler has asked you all to apologize for earlier comments. Yeah, I know, but we love Chrysler. After all, we do both drive Chrysler cars. Yeah.

Well, I guess that's good then. I don't know. But from what I've heard, this is a fairly common occurrence on Chrysler's.'s really but i don't know if it's correctable maybe i shouldn't say that i don't want to get myself in trouble yeah was the last name they've got that you can say that i wanted because we can blame it on you uh... whether it's a chrysler dealer across the street or by should take office three nearby

they have to work with them so yeah so you want you want to be nice. Yeah, I talked to somebody and they thought maybe it was a CV joint. Now I don't see how that's possible for it to bind up and then release. Oh it is possible. It is possible because think about what the CV joint is doing as you are making that turn. Sure. And it is definitely possible for that to happen. But it's not making that clicking noise which seems so common with... Yeah I know but it might be getting ready to. Well two other things come to mind. Only one other thing came to my mind. I'm amazed that it was even one. What's the second one? Well I'll get to that in a minute. One of the

things that came to my mind was the the strut cushions you know the bearings on top of the struts. Oh that didn't come to my mind. I didn't think so. I didn't think so. One of those or both of those could be bad. Yeah. And I'll tell you, I had a Volvo in the shop recently that did exactly the same thing and it turned out after much gnashing of teeth, so to speak, it turned out to be the rack and pinion.

Yeah. But the steering gear then, right? Yeah. That's what came to my mind. Well, that's the first thing I thought too. But how gear then, right? Yeah. That's what came to my mind. Well, that's the first thing I thought too. But how do I check that? Well, the way we discovered it was we disconnected the tie rod ends so that we took everything

else out of the equation. And then we had someone sit in the car with the thing on the lift and we had him turn the wheel back and forth while we put upward pressure on the rack. Oh, okay. Okay, that part of the rack that extends out of the housing. Yeah, absolutely. And when we did that, we got the thing to bind up. Okay.

Now, it only binds in one spot, is that true? As you're turning left, you hit one hitch. Left or right, but it's only one spot that it doesn't. Yeah, I think it's a bad gear, a chipped tooth on the pinion gear. That's just my feeling and I could be wrong. But I would do that test. Check the steering gear. Yeah, I would check the steering gear and furthermore, if it is the steering gear, it's

something you want to find out right away because it could have dire consequences if it gets a lot worse. And how important is this girlfriend? Is she serious? Yes, yes it is. And does she date only mechanics to try to figure this problem out? Are you like the third guy she's been with? This is like the king and the king is trying to figure out who's going to marry his daughter. Exactly.

Oh, I see it now. That's the Lady and the Tiger deal. Exactly. the guy who can fix her car will have my daughter's hand in marriage and a LeBaron convertible think about this a lot done okay good luck thank you very much all right you remember last week's puzzler? Uh, no I don't. Well, I'll give you a clue. It has to do with a baseball team in Pittsburgh. Of course. It had to do...

Why do pirates wear a patch over their eye? Holy... That's it, isn't it? That's it. Yeah. Yeah, I'll tell you something. I'll let you in on a little secret. I didn't remember what it was.

I said, baseball team in Pittsburgh. This message comes from Wise, the app for doing things in other currencies. Sending or spending money abroad, hidden fees may be taking a cut. With Wise, you can convert between up to 40 currencies at the mid-market exchange rate. Visit WISE.com. TNCs apply. We're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers. And as promised, here is the answer to last week's puzzle. What was the question? I remember it had the... Oh, that was the actual actual question wasn't it? That was the question. If you remember... Pirates...

I started the thing off with the joke about the bird poop I lost the first day with me hook. Yeah. And it basically that was the question if that's not the way pirates lost their eyesight. Yeah why do pirates always have a so often have a patch? Right, or even sailors don't have to be pirates but sailors. Well, if you think about it for a minute, before there was inertial navigation and Loran and all that geopositional satellites and all that, sailors of old used to navigate by the stars. Yeah, right. We knew that. Except during the daytime, there ain't no stinking stars. I've noticed that too.

And they used to use the sun. Which is what? A star. Which is a star. Yes it is. It's the only star that's visible in the daytime. Yeah. And because they were using the sun to navigate and looking at the sun and getting angles

of elevation, so to speak, with a sextant, they would burn out their retinas. Really? Yes, as we know, if you stare at the sun, what happens to your eyesight? It gets cooked! So the way they navigated was to figure out how far above the horizon the sun is? That just tells you what time it is, doesn't it? Yeah, but they didn't have timepieces. Oh, so someone says what time

is it matey? And you say let me burn my retina and I'll tell you. Burn out my retina and I'll let you know. Are you saying you mean now? Yeah. Come on who's our winner? We're on a tight schedule. Yeah we got three half hours to do. The winner is Cheryl Jovel. Jovel? Jovel. Jovel? I like Jovel better. Jovel. Even though that's not the right pronunciation. Probably isn't, but it has a nice ring to it. She's from Largo, Florida, which must be near the key. Key Largo. I wouldn't go jumping to any conclusions. No. You know how you get us in trouble when you jump to conclusions. And for having her correct answer chosen at random from among the thousands of correct answers that we got this week, Cheryl is going to get a copy of our new album.

Men are from GM, women are from Ford, and of course, lawyers, which we know are from Christ Law. Yes, they are. Tomorrow morning, we'll find out. It's a collection of calls about couples and cars, and we'll have that in your mailbox by Valentine's Day. Cheryl, don't you worry about a thing in my opinion. Anyway we'll have a brand new puzzle coming up in the third half of today's show so don't touch that dial in the meantime we'll take your calls at our brand new number 1-888-CAR-TALK

that's 888-227-8255 hello you're on car talk this is Chris calling from Portland which Portland east or west oh East Portland Maine oh good so what's up well I got an 86 Voyager it's a 2.6 and this thing really idles fairly roughly and it really stinks when it idles uh-huh and not only that if I idle it for a long time said a long light and then I take if I idle it for a long time, say at a long light, and then I take off I'll get about a hundred yards and the car just dies. If I'm going fast enough it'll pick up again and start, otherwise I have to pull over and start up again. This isn't your primary mode of transportation is it? Oh sure. Oh yeah. For the winter you

don't drive anything good in Maine in the winter. What's your summer car? A Healy, a 67 Healy convertible. My brother would rather talk about that, but understandably you want the Chrysler problem solved. Well yeah, the carburetor has had, it's had five carburetors on it. Four of them were remanufactured carburetors that were absolutely bogus from two different companies. And the carburetor new is like $900 on these. It's a MacCuny carburetor. Yes, I'm very familiar with it. Well most of the

mechanics I talked to just kind of their eyes bug, they make the sign of the cross and they start backing away and shaking their head and they don't want to deal with it. When the thing finally warms up is it okay? Yeah it's better when it warms up and it's certainly the the choke is really bad on it as it warms up very rough. Well if you were to artificially open the choke when really bad on it as it warms up very rough. Well, if you were to artificially open the choke when it's doing this, if you were to just take the air cleaner cover off and stick your finger in there, would it run beautifully if you did that?

It never runs beautifully. Well, I mean, you know, speaking relatively. It would probably be better, but it always smells whether it's warm or not. Well, here's my theory on the matter. All right. Do you... I have to ask the question, even though I know you're going to give the wrong answer, but we may be able to edit it out. The truth will set you free.

Ooh, I hope so. Do you, for the most part, drive this thing around town with an inf... No. If it... Ha ha ha! How's that? Ha ha ha! He mostly drives it on the highway every day, about a hundred miles. Oh, yeah. More than that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, here's what I thought and I still think it although I'm trying to figure out how No, no, no don't even don't even suggest it because it's wrong. No, it isn't wrong

You don't think so. No, I don't think all right go for it I asked the question But I was I was doing it tongue-in-cheek because I knew it didn't make any difference what the answer was Oh, I think the secondary throttle is not closing all the way and that's why it runs crummy and it belches smoke and it smells It's running very rich because all the way. And that's why it runs crummy and it belches smoke and it smells. It's running very rich. All the time. Here's how you're going to find it out. If you open that, take that air cleaner cover off you will see that there are two barrels of the carburetor. The second barrel is the one without the choke. If you stick a long, skinny, very, very skinny screwdriver in there

you will be touching the secondary throttle plate. If you push it in one direction the engine will run much faster. If you push it in the other direction you'll close it and the thing will run like a dream. Really? No, not really. Hopefully. Hopefully. The other possibility is that you no longer have an EGR valve that's working correctly. It's stuck open. Now would that make it stall? Yeah. It would. Stall, stink, smell, shake, shimmy. All the S's. The plumbing around this thing is pretty squirrely and everybody's had it attached in different ways trying to remedy this. Well check out that secondary throttle

and then if that doesn't work check out the EGR valve. I'm pretty sure the EGR valve is either either shot or not. Oh yeah it probably rusted off five years ago. Ha ha ha ha. Good luck, Chris. But one of those two things is gonna solve your problem. Alrighty, we'll check into it. Alright. Good luck. Yeah. Bye. Hey, do you know what it's time for?

Time to apologize to Christ, you already? Wow, that was fast. No, no, no, it's time to play... Stump the Chumps! Now as you know Stump the Chumps is that part of our show where we bring back a previous caller from the dead from the dead or from the lawyers office and find out whether the advice we gave was any good, or was it the usual bogus nonsense that we spew out from day to day? Well anyway, who's this week's chump stumper, Tommy? This week's contestant is Mary from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Mary is an archaeologist out there in the desert and she called about a ticking noise in her 89 Dodge Colt Vista and I vaguely remember Mary.

Oh yeah, and she had apparently apparently decided this was really a big deal Then why'd she call us beats me, but we tried to put Mary's mind Flashbacks always put my mind anymore And as soon as you step on the gas it goes goes away right Tell me I don't need to buy a new timing belt. No, you don't need to buy a new timing belt, no. Oh good. No, I don't think so.

You need to buy a new engine. Oh come on! Well, I mean... Well, we certainly put her mind at ease, I guess, huh? Well, eventually we told her that the ticking she was hearing from the engine wasn't valves or lifters or anything like that. It wasn't? How did we know that? Well, we didn't. We were just trying to put her mind at ease, remember?

That's right. Actually, you, you figured out that the ticking noise might not really be ticking at all. No, no, no. I guessed. Oh, you guessed? Guessed. I thought it was brilliant. Yeah, well. Because as soon as you said it, I could hear it it you said it was short bursts of an exhaust leak

Like you said somewhere like the exhaust manifold or maybe around a loose spark plug Yeah, pretty good. I I thought it was pretty good Mary. Are you there? I am hey Before you say anything else we have to ascertain that the statements you are about to make here on Stump the Chumps are true and you are in no way being influenced by promises of cash or prizes made by producers, national public radio, or the Teamsters Union, or Chrysler Corporation. Is that correct, Mary? That is.

Phew. Okay, so was my brother right or what? Actually he was. Oh! Bless you, my was. Oh! Bless you, my child. Bless you. May you always walk in front of the camel in the procession of life.

See, that's very good. Where was it? Was it a spark plug or was it the manifold? It was several of the spark plugs. Several of the spark plugs? They were just loose. Yeah, and an archaeologist buddy of mine just tightened them all and showed me how to do it. Oh, jeez. And it went away. Like magic.

No kidding. But too much later the timing belt broke. You even said, please tell me that I don't need a timing belt. Exactly. You did. Yeah. I'm going to cry. Oh, don't cry. Well, you know, just because it's the first answer he's got right in a month. Oh, that's so wonderful. Well, I'm happy for us all. I am too. I'm happy

for you because it was relatively simple. I'm happy for my brother because he's crying. Because he's relatively simple. And I'm happy for me and I don't know why. So how is the archaeology business? Has it turned up anything so to speak? Yeah, actually the summer is the best time to get work out here. Worked on a couple of sites this summer and it did great after the spark plugs were adjusted. You really put my mind at ease. Cool.

If you ever run across any of my brother's relatives buried out there in the desert, let us know. No comment. Thanks, Barry. Thank you. See ya. Good luck. Okay, now before we get to the new puzzle, we have to take a short break.

Yeah, I mean, I'd take a break if I were you. The headphones are really doing a job of yawing hair. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, click and clack the tap at Brothers, and we're here to discuss cars, car repair, and of course, the new Puzzler. I can hardly wait. Well, I wouldn't attach that much weight to this. America sits by their radios week after week waiting. And you don't know how that weighs heavily on my mind.

I do. I mean every week I have to come up with a quasi acceptable puzzler. Something that will challenge the seven Americans that listen to our show. Awesome responsibility. It is. And I can't do it anymore. Especially when there's one that is, as you say, this one is quasi-automotive and someone show awesome responsibility it is and I can't do it anymore especially when there's one that is as you say this one is quasi automotive and someone comes in

saying yes mr. yeah go for it man okay I'll have to phrase it correctly yeah yeah now I've seen in what famous movie were a Ferrari and a Renault both featured. A Ferrari and a Renault? Featured roles. Featured roles, yeah. And I might add that these weren't just passing scenes. I mean, these were featured. Yeah.

They weren't just like drive-ons. Right. Exactly. These were featured. Featured. Prominently. In many scenes. Prominently. In many scenes.

Prominently. Almost every scene in the movie, one or the other was in it. A Renault and a Ferrari. There you go. Excellent. If you think you know the answer or you just have nothing to do at work and feel like ticking off your boss, mail your answer to Puzzler Tower, Car Talk Plaza, Box 3500, Harvard Square, Cambridge, Alifair City, Matt 02238, or of course you can email us your answer from our website, cartalk.msn.com, just click

on the Talk to Car Talk section. And what if we choose their correct answer from a random, from among the thousands of correct answers that we get? Will they get anything? Yeah, they'll get our brand new album called Men Are From GM, Women Are From Ford, and of course we know that lawyers are from Chrysler, or we will know on Monday. Yeah. You'll get it just in time for Valentine's Day. 1999. Yeah. If you want to call us the numbers, 1-888-CAR-TALK. That's 1-888-227-8255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. This is Elsa from Iowa City. Elsa? Retired professor of anthropology and I have a quasi-automotive problem.

Ah, excellent. Well, my problem is that I don't have a car. Now, I don't want you to hang up. Of course not. Because I do have a car problem. Really? Well, the problem is that I'm going to be 70. Yeah.

And I did learn to drive my dad taught me when i was twelve but i don't know yes from twelve to fifteen and a state which didn't really care whether you have i don't even think that they're working such things as drivers like new jersey or a jersey uh... no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no New Jersey? They still don't have a driver's license law there. Well, anyway, the story is that I've never really had a need for a car because I was in graduate school, couldn't afford one. I lived in New York, and you're a fool if you have a car in New York. And then I worked overseas a lot and didn't want to store a

car. So you haven't driven since you were 15 years old? Well no I haven't driven since I was 15. And that would be from I just did the calculations here 1943. Yeah yeah. Wow. So the thing is that Iowa City I did a little poll of my friends and they're about evenly divided yeah I'm saying you're going to be a menace and some say oh sure you should drive considering the fact that in Iowa City a traffic jam is eight cars at a stoplight yeah so my problem is I want to know if what you all think and since you're both terrible drivers at least we can safely assume you certainly sound like you're both terrible drivers, at least according to each brother... We can safely assume you certainly sound like you're alive and well.

And alert. And you don't have any major physical problems. You can see and hear and your reflexes are pretty good. Yeah, I've got both arms. You've got both arms. Both feet. And if you swear never to talk on a cell phone while you drive, then I think you're absolutely entitled to drive. to talk on a cell phone while you drive i think you're absolutely entitled

to drive well one of my best friend that she would not only teach me again but she would ride with me also the whole that's a yeah i i want very much to be able to drive to my crowning ceremony now a crowning ceremony is aware and you're declared to the federal women women at 70 and a friend in Wisconsin is going to hold a Crowning ceremony for me, so I want to amaze all my friends by driving to my crowning chair in Wisconsin. Yep

What's the time frame here between the croning and the? And then now April 17. Oh, you got a lot of time. No your press. I'd start right now Yeah, no, she's got time. She can do it. Oh, you got a lot of time. No, you're press. I'd start right now. Yeah. No, she's got time She can do it. Oh April don't forget You've got to take the learner's permit test the written test it you know Then you have to learn how to drive then you must take the driving test and you may flunk it a few times No, no, and then you've got to practice It's not like roller skating or riding a bicycle and you knew how as a child, but don't forget at age fifteen i don't know how much driving you did at age fifteen but it probably wasn't much

i did a lot of driving did out on the highway student say i mean you are going to be you're going to be amazed and how much simpler everything is now and how much better and easier it's going to be you're going to be shocked but i mean you've been in cars so you know. Oh yeah, I have been.

But you haven't driven one and cars practically drive themselves now. Uh-huh. I mean, they really do, it's amazing. You don't think my reactions will be too... No, no, you'll learn. I would just make one suggestion that you go to a driving school.

Uh-huh, and not learn from a friend. Yeah, I mean, she may have as many bad habits As my brother has goodness my home Maureen isn't going to be really no I don't worry She offered I'm sure in a week moment and she was the one that said she'd ride. Yes You offered in a week moment. I did but given the opportunity she'd back out in a heartbeat Plus if you go to the driving school They'll know they'll know the right procedure for bribing the guy that gives the test and all that, so you'll be sure to get your license. Well, you see, I'm one of those strange people that don't have a car to listen to you, because I think you're so funny. Well, now you'll be able to listen to us and drive around at the same time, talk on your cell phone, drink coffee, and read the newspaper. I mean, what the heck?

But remember, above all, don't drive like my brother good luck Elsa good luck thank you bye bye 1-888 car talk that's 1-888-227-8255 hello you're on car talk hi guys this is Helen from Oakland California Helen how are you doing fine how about you all right a nice a nice name. Not sad. You don't run into too many women named Helen. In general or from California? In general, especially from California. California, there are none. Is yours spelled the traditional way?

It is. No Ys. No Ys. One L. No Ls. It's a silent L. A silent L. Yeah. So where are you really from Helen? Actually from across the Bay, just south of San Francisco.

Cool. Yeah. So what's on your mind today? Well, it's my 1976 Toyota Celica. Oh. Aside from the panel of the sort of so-called idiot lights on the dashboard that they oil breaks check engine yeah i have another display and this is located under the radio through behind the picture and it's a digital l e d readout

form and flashes were it displayed word like battery radiator all year i remember this year it was a little system check thing. It, yeah. It would periodically go through all those things. It would check to see if you still had a battery, if you still had coolant in the radiator. Yeah, it's lining wear, brakes. Right, right, right. Boy, what technology they had back then in 76, huh?

Wow, I thought it was really sophisticated when I saw this thing. It is pretty cool. The problem is that it's constantly displaying these words and the words change. Yes. As you're driving along you're getting little messages. Exactly. It says battery, vac booster, battery, radiator, battery, radiator, brake, engine, lining, where lining where, brake, battery. And it's driving you nuts? Well, I think it's a hazard. Because I'm watching what it's doing. It's dangerous. You are a prime candidate for the click and clack, black tape approach to displace.

That was exactly what I wanted to do. But I thought I should figure out if, my mechanic says it's no problem, but I figured they put the lights in there for a reason. Well they did originally. It wasn't to annoy you, it was really to check all those systems. But I'm sure this thing has gone awry or went awry eons ago. So I think I could feel confident in saying that you should either black tape it or unplug it. I can do that.

Yeah, you can do it yourself. You can unplug it. I mean, the time to worry is when it starts to say, Hi, Dave. You seem to be upset, Dave. I'll watch for that. Then you'll know that something's bad. Quite honestly, what's preferable to the black tape or unplugging it is someday with the point of one's umbrella

that you smash in the face of this thing when it has driven you crazy for what you consider to be the last time. You do deserve to get even. You won't get any. That would be a rather cathartic and joyful. Putting the black tape over it does in fact cover things up of course.

But it doesn't really shut it off. But it doesn't shut it off and you probably will begin to realize that despite the black tape being there, those little messages are still there. Sure. They're still appearing, getting sucked up by the black tape. And it's only a matter of time before those photons burn through the black tape, and you'll be able to see radiator, booster, and all that stuff at night.

Even if you don't see them, you'll know they're there, and one of these days you'll get out of the car screaming. Well, I think since it's raining so much, and I have my umbrella with me pretty much constantly. This is the time to do it. Yeah. You don't time to do it. You don't know how good it will make you feel to just stove in that little display, you will feel great. Okay.

Like I did that day, I smashed that temperature gauge on my Dodge van. You don't know how gleeful I was. And you've never looked back. Well, I never looked back because I bent the little needle to the middle and forevermore it read normal. And I drove it for five more years like that and it was fine. And I realized it was driving me crazy and the best thing to do when something is driving you crazy is to eliminate it.

Yeah, I mean when a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it, does it really fall? Just like if a radiator is overheating and there's no little gauge to tell you, is it really overheating? Oh yeah, trust me. Not until the engine sees. Smash it in, Helen. Okay, thanks a lot. Happy New Year. Same to you, bye bye.

Bye bye. Well, it's happened again. You've vaporized yet another hour listening to Car Talk. Our esteemed producer is Doug the Subway Fugitive, not a slave to Fashion Berman. Our associate producer and Dean of the College of Automusicology is Ken Babyface Rogers. Our assistant producer is Katherine Cathode Ray and Oyster Stew Ray. What is that? Katherine Cathode Ray. And our engineer is Jonathan Marston. Our technical, spiritual and menu advisor is Mr. John S. Lawler. Our public opinion pollster is Paul Murky of Murky Research, assisted by statistician

Margin of Error. Our director of new product repair is Warranty My Foot, assisted by our customer care representative Haywood Jabazoff. Our staff butler from the Card Talk Mumbai Division is Mahatma Kote. From the New Delhi office, our blues coordinator is Mohammedan Tolby. Our document security expert from the island of Jamaica is Uripides Upman. Our East Asian used car expert is Alexander Soljanesan. And our inventory manager is Mendeleet Delbarco.

Our evasive driving instructor is Vera Bruppley. Our junkyard manager is Ricardo Dismantelbon. Our director of moral support is You Demand. And our Leo Tolstoy biographer is Warren Peace, author of Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace. Of course our chief counselor from the law firm of Dewey Cheatham and Howell is you Lewis Dewey, known among the icicles in Harvard Square as you and Louie Dewey. Thanks so much for listening. We're Click and Clack the Tapit brothers and don't drive like my brother or my sister. Don't drive like my

brother or my sister. We'll't drive like my brother or my sister. We'll be back next week. Bye bye. And And now with a very important announcement, here is Car Talk Plaza's chief mechanic, Mr. Vinnie Gumbatz. Vinnie? All right, now if you want to copy this week's Car Talk Show, which is show number four, here's what you're going to do, all right? Are you now going to give people the phone number, Vinnie?

Is that the idea? No, I'm going to redo my poster in AstroTurf you moron. The number is 1-888-CAR-JUNK. That's 888-227-5865. And if somebody wanted our album, the one that's called Men Are From GM, Women Are From Ford, you know the calls about couples in cars, would they use the very same number Vinny? No, you'd call Dial a Prayer. Of course you'd call the same number. 888-CAR-JUNK. Or you can get stuff through the online shameless commerce division at cartalk.msn.com.

Hey Vinnie, I'm beginning to detect a little hostility here. I mean, we've got to talk about our relationship. I relate this. Car Talk is a production of Dewey, Cheetah, and Howe, and WBUR in Boston. And even though Robert Siegel gets a touch of heartburn whenever he hears us say it, this is NPR National Public Radio. Traveling is fun, inspiring, and in many cases, life-changing. But for the people who live in these destinations, it's not always for the better.

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