The Best of Car Talk - #2613: Plague-proofing Your Car

Episode Date: February 14, 2026

Rain is an aptly named woman from Florida who is currently battling at least two biblical plagues attempting to take over her Acura. Since Charlton Heston isn’t available to help, she called Clickus and Clackus the Chariotsmiths instead. Will miracles ensue? Find out on this episode of the Best of Car Talk.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

On the ThruLine podcast from NPR, the former slaveholder who took on the KKK and won. He became more and more and more militant as time went on. Listen to ThruLine in the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us, Click and Clack, the Tappert Brothers. We're broadcasting this week from the Enlightened Response Division here at Car Talk Plaza. You may be aware that we have been seeking nominations for the worst cars of the previous millennium. And to kick off the nomination process a few weeks ago, we offered our own list of like 15 or 20 jalopies, most of which my brother has owned one time. Yeah, I still own most of them.

And as we've come to expect when we do things like this, we received a number of vituport of responses from people defending one or more of these heaps on our list. And most of them took the form of, hey, Mike Corvier didn't smell that. bad or, hey, what do you mean unreliable? My Vegas started on three consecutive mornings one summer. But we did get one particular defense, which was so thoughtful that we thought it was worth sharing. And it comes from somebody named Bob Hamrick. Yeah. And he's responding to this statement made by us. And I don't recall that I made the statement. I believe these were your words exactly. You were talking to any crisis lawyers? Romanticized as it was. The Volkswagen bus got blown all over the road, didn't have any heat to speak of, and used the driver's legs as its first line

of defense in an accident. I believe you said that. And here's what Bob says. He says, your description of the VW bus was completely accurate, but alas, pathetically unenlightened. Further contemplation will bring you to these epiphonic. I didn't know there was such a word conclusions. A, if a VW bus shifts in the wind, it is simply because you are on the wrong path.

heading in the wrong direction. Think of it not as a potentially lethal driving hazard, but rather as a spiritual global positioning system. B, heat? Who among us has actually known heat? Is not one man's boil, another man's frost? Could it be that the sound of one hand clapping is a VW driver attempting to at once shift and survive? Huh?

C. factually, the driver's legs are not the first line of defense. Tom and Ray have overlooked the thick layer of bug guts, aerodynamically meshed into a natural and practically impenetrable polymer, covering the buses flat front. Kind of like Kevlar. Buglar. In addition, many buses feature a front-mounted, tri-plated, independent repealing immobilizer.

A tire. Combining the science of high-cost airbags and the proven effectiveness of amusement park bumper cars. We were all wrong. Finally and most importantly, remember that every VW bus is surrounded by the plush and cushioning aura of St. Jerry of Garcia, providing divine truck and guidance to freaks deadhead 17-year-old wannabes and balding 40-something used to bes. I suggest you tie-dye yourselves to the front seats of a classic split window model and hit the road for Nirvana. You'll know you're almost there when the clutch cable goes out. Bob Hammerett, balding frostbitten owner of a goat-vomit-groomed green 76 Westphalia in Wichita. Bob, you have set us straight. You put us on the right path.

See how... When you get blown over into another lane, it's because... You're on the wrong path. See, that's the trouble with left-brain people. You just keep... You look, you think you're on... You think you understand the problem. Right.

And you don't even get it. Right. You just don't get it. As they say, enlighten up. Enlighten up. So don't forget, we're still accepting nominations at our website, which is the Car Talk section of Cars.com, of the worst cars of the millennium.

And I'm sure there will be many more added to the list as time goes on. And then we're going to have a big contest at the end. And we're going to award washing machines and all that stuff. Yeah. And free trips. In the car that you told me. You're going to have to ride across the country. And this was failure.

Let's see if you're all bobbedice. Yeah. That won't be for his prize. If you want to talk to us about your current worst car, the number is 1-888-8-8-8-8-28-8-2-5. Hello, you're on car talk. Hi, this is Christy from Seattle. Hi, Christy from Seattle. Christy.

Sunny Seattle. CH, about time, huh? Is it an I.E or a Y? I.E. It starts with a C-H? K-R. K-R! K-R!

And you're from Seattle? Yes. You must not have been born there. No, born in northern New York. See, you can always tell, you know? The spelling of one's name tells you where you came from. Now, Christy, if it was spelled, the way we wanted to spell it, would mean she had come from Maryland.

Or Pennsylvania. Possibly Pennsylvania, but certainly not Seattle. No. But New York is good. You can be born in New York. We'll accept that. What's up? 95 Volkswagen Jetta, with windshield wipers that have a mind of their own.

Yeah. Which typically is not a problem in Seattle. Because it's always raining anyway. It's always raining anyway. And they come on by themselves. They come on by themselves. or they don't go off. Oh.

Brought them into the dealer in December, and they changed the wiper switch. The switch? The switch. The thing on the column? That's correct. Yeah. See, why would they do that? Why not?

I would have done that. Sure for $179. That's why they did it. Well, no, that makes perfect sense. No, I would have changed the wiper relay. Well, when I took it back the following day, they replaced the wiper relay. Ah. How much was that?

$59. That was on the house. That was included in the 179. Oh, oh, so they were embarrassed that they had done a repair that didn't fix the problem. Yes. And they threw in the relay. Yeah. And it's still happening.

That's too bad because those are the only two ideas we have. Uh-uh. But now that we're forced, now that we're forced to, we will certainly come up with more. Oh, we're going to think about it? Thought is born of failure. Yeah. Well, let me tell you what's been working lately. I can turn the hazard lights on and off, and that's worked twice.

Okay, well, we're just fresh out of time, Christy. Thanks for calling. You turn on the hazard lights and the windshield wipers go off. Just the button, turn it on, and then turn them off. Do the hazard lights work? Yes. Well, I don't know. Who cares?

Oh, man. Oh, geez. Any ideas? How the heck did you ever figure out the turning on the hazard? Desperation, it's called. Yeah, I was on the freeway. You know, normally I'd have to pull over and pull the fuse. So I was desperate, yeah.

But when they are on like this, in the unwanted stage, are they running at low speed or are they running an intermittent speed? What are they doing? They're running at the regular speed and they can go to the high speed as well. By themselves? No. No. The only trouble is you can't turn them off. But the switch, once they're on, if you turn the switch to...

what if you turn it to intermittent? No, it doesn't. The speed does not decrease, and when you go to the off position, it does not shut off. Okay. But when you go to the high position... High on normal speeds work.

Correct. I mean, it sounds... Here's some possibilities. I know what's wrong. Yeah, but you don't know how to find it. Well, I... No, I don't. But I'm going to tell you what's wrong,

and then it'll be the job of these guys to find it. Okay. I'm going to suggest that if you were to turn everything else off perhaps that the wipers would also stop. For example, if you had the heater and the radio on, it's very likely, or the lights, it's very likely that if you turn those things off, it would kill the wipers as well.

Because what's happening is one of those devices, i.e. the radio or the heater blow, whatever, has a faulty ground circuit. And it is using the wiper motor as the ground, and it's feeding electricity back into the wiper motor and, in fact, making the wiper motor work. So you have a bad ground on some other device in the car. Hmm.

Maybe the hazard lights. I don't think so. But it's possible. Right. Well, the other thing was the airbag light was coming on and off. Oh, man. And they'd check that and tell me not to worry about it. Oh, I'd worry about that because if the airbag light is on, the airbag's not going to work.

Man, you got troubles. I don't know this. I mean, you either have a bad ground or. it's possible that somewhere in the wiring harness, there's a bare wire that somehow is touching something else that it shouldn't touch. So do I keep the pressure on them? Yeah, no, tell them that you've spoken to some experts. Don't tell them who.

Don't tell them who they are. But they think it's a bad ground somewhere else that's feeding back current into the wiper motor, and I'm convinced that that's when you're on stump the chumps, you'll verify that that's the right answer. So be prepared for a call from us, Christy. And this is not easy. This is not going to be easy to find. What a pain in the neck.

On the other hand, you could just live with it. No, but I think it may be tied into the airbag thing, so I'd have it looked at. When they solve one problem, they'll have solved the other one, too. I see. All right. Okay, thank you. Good luck. Yeah.

Bye. Oh, man, what a way to start the day. I mean, this is the kind of thing that if it's more, Monday morning and someone drives into the shop with this problem, you say, I'm going home. All my guys go to the bathroom at once. And there's only one bathroom. There's only one toilet in there. There have five of them in there.

Come out, anybody. Oh, man. All right, Tommy. Do you remember last week's puzzler? No, I don't. Would you give me a hand? Well, I'll give you a great hint. It was about time passing slowly, very, very slowly.

Sort of like my first marriage. Well, no, that's got in. This message comes from Wise, the app for international people using money around the globe. You can send, spend, and receive in up to 40 currencies with only a few simple taps. Be smart, get Wise. Download the Wise app today or visit Wise.com.

T's and Cs apply. This year on Threwline, NPR's History Podcast. For generations, an American quest has shaped the world. Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness. Now 250 years in, what is that pursuit really about? Join us each Tuesday for an essential new series, America in Pursuit, from ThruLine on the NPR app or wherever you get podcasts. Akela Sherrill's remembers the day in 1992 when the Bloods and Cripps gangs in his Watts neighborhood agreed to a ceasefire.

We had a barbecue. It was like it became a family reunion. I mean, we had a three-decade war, you know, so the release was just extraordinary. Listen to the TED Radio Hour on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. Can a superstar be an actual voice of resistance? When it comes to the singer Bad Bunny, some say yes. Bad Bunny comes out of a long legacy of Puerto Rican music and Puerto Rican art as resistance. Listen to NPR's code switch in the NPR app or wherever you get.

your podcast. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us. Click and Clack to Tappert Brothers. Here to talk about cars, car repair, and the answer to last week's puzzler. Right, you ready? I'm ready. I still don't remember it. We have a friend who shall remain nameless who works at a government facility and does very important work. It's almost a given government facility. It's going to be important work, right? Anyway, one day he's at his desk working away, reading some very technical manual when he's awakened, I mean startled by the sound of his stomach growling. He turns in his seat and looks at the electric clock on the wall behind him. This is one of those clocks that you see in office buildings everywhere. You know, it plugs into the

wall. You got it? Yeah. It's one of those big analog round things. Yeah. He looks at the clock, and as he turns back to his work, he says, gee, it's obviously too early to eat lunch. I must have forgotten to eat breakfast. He returns to work. A short time later, he's again startled by the growling of his stomach. He turns to look at the clock again. This time he notices. He must have that it's later than it was the first time that he looked. Duh. But it's still too early for lunch. The second hand is sweeping.

The hour hand is moved, and the minute hand is in a different position than it was before. And in fact, the hands of the clock are exactly 180 degrees apart like there would be if it were six o'clock. As he turns back to his desk, again thinking about how interminably long

this morning seems, his stomach growls for the third time, and he says, the clock is broken. How did he know the clock was broken? Hmm. Well, I mean, I purposely made the narrative rather lengthy. So as to obfuscate. Yeah, of course.

We knew that. And confused. Yeah. And did I do that? You succeeded. I don't know the answer. Well, you do know the answer. I do.

You know, let's say he looked at the clock and he saw that the hands were 180 degrees apart, but the clock read 1125. Yeah. but that's impossible. It's impossible for it to be 1125? It's possible for it to be 1125 and the hands be 180 degrees apart. Of course.

Because when it's 1125, in fact... Our hand should be beyond 11. It should be 5 twelfths of the way to 12. When it's 1130, shouldn't it be halfway between 11 and 12? Yeah, but... Right? But if it's exactly on 11

and the minute hand is exactly on the 5... But you didn't say that. I didn't. I just said that the hands were 180 degrees apart. And that's what he noticed. Not at 1125. Who said anything about 1125? Well, that's what he noticed. How about 1127?

Wasn't 1127. But the hands would have been 180 degrees apart. But that's how he knew the clock was broken. Oh, geez. He knew the clock was broken because it read a time that was impossible. Oh, man, this is really sucky. No, it isn't. It's wonderful.

Oh, man, you are going to get so much hate mail. I'll be on your side. I'm your brother. Oh, I doubt it. I'll defend you to the death. I doubt it. But I have to say that this stinks to high heaven. I doubt you.

To high heaven, I tell you. This stinks alone. They're like rats leaving a sinking ship, Berman is run out. You, I mean, sure. What? Sure. I could have merely said the clock reads, 9-15 and the two hands are opposite each other.

180 degrees, is that a possibility? And you would have said, no, that's impossible. So I had to make it. I had to clever it up, so to speak. Wow. Come on. Fine. All right, fine.

I'll give it to you. It's wonderful to have such a ringing endorsement. No, no, I understand the difficulty of coming up with a puzzler that doesn't stink out loud. Week after week after week. And I don't expect you to come up with 52 of them a year. Well, I didn't, obviously. No, in fact, it's still January. And I've already failed this for this year.

This is, all right, so you're going to count this as one stinker. We're going to count this. Let's get, are we going to stick? We should keep a little stinker tally. Okay. But you've got 50,000 more chances here in the millennium to come up with better ones, and I hope you're up to it. I don't know.

But nonetheless, we have. have a winner anyway. I mean, somebody won. Well, Pyric victory. Jeez. Whatever she gets, she might as well just throw it out. How'd you know it's a she? I know it's a she. It's Mari Belski from Medford, Oregon.

And for having her bogus answers selected at random, from among all the bogus answers that we received, Marie will get a $25 gift certificate to the car talk, shameless commerce division. Congratulations such as it is. Mari. Are you done?

No. We'll have a new, hopefully, not completely stinko, puzzler coming up in the third half of today's show, so stay tuned for that. Not completely stinkled. In the meantime, you can call us and ask questions. You're so depressed. 888 car talk.

That's 8888-2. You're going to be ready to accept. I'm a very sensitive guy. I hope you know that. 888-227-8-8-255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi there. Hi, who's this?

Hi, how are you doing? This is Allison from Ohio. Hey, Allison. Was that a stink-o answer or what? It was pretty bad. Next caller. So what's up, Allison? Okay, I've got 1990 Oldsmobile Cutler Supreme.

Mm-hmm. And I have this little alarm thing that goes off whenever I do something like, turn off the car and leave the lights on. Right. Yeah. It's just this little electronic beeping thing. Yeah. However, what's having to happen

recently is whenever I have the lights on, I'm driving down the highway, my lights on, and I apply the gas pedal, the alarm starts going off. Yeah. But when I take my foot off the gas, it will go off,

or if I put my foot on the brakes, it will go off. Oh, so if you put, if you step on the gas, the little buzzer thing comes on and stays on. Yeah, until I take my foot off the gas. Is it a buzz or is it a ding, ding, ding, ding.

The ding ding. So as long as you're exce— If you coast, it goes off. Yes. But if you're accelerating, it goes ding-a-ling-ling. Mm-hmm. And if you break, it goes off, too. Yes.

What color is the car? It's gray. Gray. Mm-hmm. Is it a two-door or four-door? Four door. Mm-hmm. I think I know the answer.

Really? I do. Wonderful. Really? Well, I don't. I mean, again, I know the answer in the abstract. Okay. Well, that's good enough.

It's a start. Yeah, sure. It's a start. If you were to open your door while you were driving, you'd get the same ding, ding, ding. I've never tried it, but I would do. Okay. Okay. I mean, just open the door a crack.

This is the basic dummy ding, ding, ding, ding. Anything you do is stupid. Right. You leave the lights on, you leave the keys in. You open the door while the car is moving. So what I think is happening is the little switch which keeps the thing from going ding, ding, ding, ding. is just on the hair's edge of being out of adjustment so that when you accelerate the car,

you are distorting the frame enough so that it appears to the switch let the door is open or a jar. And then when you break or slow down, okay? Ah, I like it. Then you close the switch and the dinging stops. And it could be any of the four doors.

Okay, because I've tried slamming the door pretty hard when I'm going, like, pulling it in. Well, you know what to do? Open the window, and when it's doing this, Stick your arm, hang your arm on the window and pull the door closer to you. Okay. It's most likely to be the driver's door. All right.

Because that's the one that's used all the time. Sure. But it could be any of them. Yeah, and suck it in toward you, and that'll pull it tight and the ding-ding should stop. And if it does, then at least you'll be able to go and tell someone exactly what to fix. Okay. All right. And it may even be the same switch that operates the dome light.

I'm not sure. All right. But it may not be turning the dome light on, but it may be enough to turn this dingling thing on. Okay. All right. Thank you. See, Allison. All right.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-eight-eight-eight-car talk. That's 888-227-8255. Hello, you're on car talk. This is Ron from Boniface, Florida. Hi, Ron. Yeah.

Where's Boniface? In the panhandle. Really? Mm-hmm. Like in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, sometimes it feels that way. So what's up? Okay, I've got an 85-volt-Wagon Vanagan.

Uh-huh. It started running rough on a rainy day, like it was on stop and go in the city, like it was going to, like it was going to chug out. Uh-huh. And then I got it finally on the highway, and it feels like I thought maybe I had something clogged in there, and it burned it out. But I was hearing a buzzing noise coming from underneath the frame, and I got out later, and it was the fuel pump, I think, making the noise.

Sure, yeah. I thought it was okay, because it was running fine, And then, of course, on another rainy day, it did it again, only I couldn't get it restarted. So I towed it to a friend's house and ordered me another fuel pump eventually and put it in and finally got the thing going again. Okay. And it ran fine. And then it started doing it again. And now...

Wait, it ran fine even on rainy days? Well, no, it started doing it again the next time it rained two weeks later. There you go. I thought it was running fine. Because the fuel pump wasn't going to solve that problem. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think so. But, uh...

And you notice, we didn't let you get away with that. Well, hold it. It gets better. Okay. Good. So I'm listening to your show. Yeah. And I hear somebody else that has like the same problem.

And you said it was a vacuum leak. And you said, okay, you know, they go to the garage and they have this little propane thing. Yeah. And they squirt it around and they find it. So I'm thinking, okay, I can do that. You don't have a vacuum leak. Well, I wish I knew that before I took the camping propane bottle and the screwdriver to me. And burned up all them wires.

So I'm standing there with the screwdriver in the propane bottle, and I'm squirted. It's coming like a spray bottle, you know? And then all of a sudden, poof. You got a little flame. No, not a little flame. Big flame. Yeah, a big ball of orange fire. Well, we didn't want you to spray the stuff straight from the bottle.

Do you see? I barely had time to blink. Do you still, you have any eyebrows left? Well, they've grown back. This isn't funny. This is serious business. You have to laugh by the way to sue us. Oh, I was blinking.

I mean, when it was over at the point. Don't you hear the disclaimer at the beginning of the show that says, don't try any of these things at home. Yeah, I was just standing there, and I wouldn't sure I was still all there, you know, and I was looking around on a propane bottle with about 22 away. Yeah. Isn't it amazing? How did we get over there?

How fast fire can move? Oh, man. Well, that's nothing compared. of the crick in my neck I felt the next day. Oh, yeah, no, that's true. Yeah, that does happen, too. So did you find the vacuum leak or not? I gave up after that, man.

I said to let it be, you know. Well, I suspect, considering that you had a conflagration at the back of the vehicle there, that you have a bad spark plug wire. Ah. Yeah, which is what you had wrong all the time. Oh, man. And that's why it runs bad when it rains. So I could have just changed the spark plug wires

Because what happened is You kept the hair on my face You could still have eyebrows You could still have eyebrows And whatever little mustache you had before Yeah, I suspect you have either a cracked distributor cap Or a bad spark plug wire Oh, that's a lot easier

But I would start with those And if it's giving you a problem in rainy days That's more likely the problem than anything else especially the, it ain't the fuel pump. We know that much now. Okay. Yeah. And watch out with that propane.

Well, that's a one-time deal. I'm not that dumb. You know, I'm glad you survived, Ron. Well, my brother burned off six sets of eyebrows before he figured it out. As a matter of fact, the first time it happened was on a Dodge Dot. I remember it to this day. Reving up the gas and you head over the...

Oh, I know, I had the valve cover off. I was adjusting the valves. And I cranked it. What a mistake that was. And that ball of flame shot out. My brother went flying across the garage. With his hair on fire? With his hair on fire, we started,

and we immediately started to figure out how we could divvy up his tools. See you, Ron. Okay, thanks. Thanks for calling, Ron. You're right. All right, it's time to take a short break. Right. My brother's going to meditate until a new puzzle.

It just sort of comes to him, you know? Or until I keel over and bump my head on the microphone. Ha! We're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us. Click and Collect the Tapper, brother. and we're here to discuss cars, car repair, and the new puzzler. Don't, don't, don't.

Don't have an attitude anymore. Come on, just tell it to us. All right, here it is. Actually, this is stolen somewhat from an email I got for a long time ago. And let's not forget, the last one was stolen from someone, too. So you're not responsible. There you go. You're just a damn thief.

All right, here we go. Our erstwhile companion and chief mechanic, Vinnie Gumbats, being renowned for his prowess in arm wrestling, is asked to set up a tournament at the local watering hole where he goes and gets stewed every night. Yeah. It's to be a single elimination tournament, i.e., once you lose, you're out. No ties allowed. This is arm wrestling. You can't have a tie in arm wrestling, right? To his horror, 247 people have signed up for this tournament, and the barkeeper, once you're not.

He wants to know how many boats have to be fought. I mean, figuring the boat takes like five minutes. He wants to know at what time he should start the event. Yeah. So that it will include before closing time. Yeah. You got it? I got it.

Okay. So Vinny is, oh, he's in a tizzy now because he doesn't, he's thinking about, I got to set up a branching tree, count all the branches. And since he can't count much beyond 14, he's in a tizzy. Fortunately, there's a little guy sitting next to Vinny at the bar. guy says, I know the answer. When he says, were you some kind of genius or something? The guy says, no, but there is a simple reasoning process which will allow you to instantly

know how many bouts have to be fought. Yeah. The question is, if there are 247 people that signed up, how many bouts will they have to be? In order to determine one winner. There you go. With a single round elimination. And show your work. Show all work.

No partial credit. Now, if you think you know the answer, write it on the back of a $20, and by the way, when the bout starts, both hands of the clock are 180 degrees apart. If you think you know the answer, right it on the back of a $20 bill or a piece of wet firewood or a broken clock and send it to Puzzler Tower, Car Talk Plaza, Box 3,500, Harvard Square, Our Fair City. Matt 02238, or you can email your answers from the Car Talk section of cars.com. If you'd like to call us, the number is 1-888-8-8-8-2-7-8-25-5.

Even Michael Jordan didn't score a basket every time he's shot. Oh, shut up. Hello, you're on. He missed a few free throws one. All right, all right. Hello, you're on. Bye, baby. Hello, you're on Car Talk.

Hi, my name is Rain. I'm calling from Ocean Ridge, Florida. Is that R-A-I-N or R-A-N or R-A-N, just like the weather? Ocean what? Ocean Ridge at South of West Palm Beach. Now, how did you get the name Rain? Of course, from your mommy. Something like that. Was she a flower child?

No, my parents are too old to be hippies. They are. You're never too old to be a hippie. We had a grandmother who was a hippie. I think they were teaching hippies. Oh, they were teaching hippies, and Rain just came, yeah. I kind of like your name, though. I bet you do too.

Thank you. I do. Yeah, no, it's a neat name. It is a neat name. It is. It's good. Yeah, it could have been worse. It could have been worse.

It could be a blizzard. Or blizzard of 78. So what's up, Rain? What's the story? What's up? I have an 88 accurate integrity. It's my first car. Yeah.

And I went away and left it for three and a half months in Florida. And I got home, and I unlocked my car door, and I opened it up. And my car grew a whole new upholstry job while I was going. Oh. Really upsetting. Oh. Oh, I mean, was it just the upholstery? How about the ceiling?

Oh, no, it was everything. It was like, it was truly a car worthy of the name rain. It was purple and green and blue. God. It was really vile. Did you just, like, close the door and run like hell? I started laughing because really that seemed more protective. You know, that's the only thing you could do under the circumstances, regardless of the age of the car, you'd have to laugh first.

Then afterwards, you can cry. but laughter was the right first response. Well, I got that part. Good. Good. So then we kind of dusted off the seats as best we could and put a plastic bag over it amid lots of comments about toxic mold spores. Yeah, you actually got into this vehicle?

I had to get home. What are you crazy? Where was it at the airport? No, it was where I worked. It was in the parking lot. And see, I knew the car leaked, so I'd put a cover over it, but we had two hurricanes, so the cover would blow off, and then they put it back on,

and I guess being underneath the cover in the war. Oh, sure. It was like a perfect... It was like a petri dish. But were you going through some kind of early midlife crisis here? I mean, you just left your car in the parking lot at work and took off for three and a half months? Did you have a fight with your boss? Where were you?

I was working on a study abroad program. No kidding. Yeah. So you're just up and left, basically. Exactly. My nephew's doing that in college. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Which one is he studying?

The slacker school. I've been there, too. Oh, yeah. All right. So you dust it off this penicillin stuff. So wait, that's not even the worst of it. No? Oh.

The mold, I get out the vacuum, and now I have mold spots, and I'm really worried about it growing back. Oh, you can't vacuum it with you. You have to throw the vacuum cleaner out. Well, I went to the, you know. Oh, man. I did this to a gas station, but they were a pandemic. They were not nice to me before, so I had no qualms about using their super vacuum. You empty that, you dirt bag?

Okay. So then I go in the trunk, and all the ants in the area, I swear to God, half the fire ants in South Florida moved into my spare tire well. Oh, man. It is so, so exciting. Answer my worst fear realized. I've an karma for life because I must have killed, you know, seven or eight really big ant-nets. So I think now that I just need a good way to get the mold stains out of my seats. And what's the best way to get rid of the ants?

Because now I have the second ant infestation coming up. I guess the babies that I didn't kill her hatching. Well, I wouldn't drive the car. I know what kills mold and does it very effectively. Moss balls or something. Sodium hypochlorite, otherwise known as chlorine bleach. Okay. So you buy a bottle of chlorox.

and you need to, but it will turn everything white. Well, that's a better white. Well, that's the better interior than the one I have now. Yeah, it's better than what she's got now. But you've got to spray everything. The carpet, the headliner, every place the mold is growing, and every place that you think it could have grown,

you've got to spray with the bleach. Yeah. I would spray it, roll up the windows, and leave the car for about three and a half months, preferably in a sunny parking lot. Well, see, we have lots of those in Florida. One of the weird things is I had tinting on my window,

which was half on, half off. So now the sunshine's coming into the car, and some people think that'll kill it. Well, that in conjunction with the bleach will kill it. Okay. No question about that. The ants... What about the ants?

Now, how did you kill the ants the first time? There's this great stuff called citrus magic, and it's organic, so at least it was an organic death that they all die. It's most of all. An organic death. A planet-friendly demise. Gee, I kind of like that expression.

I'm going to come back as an aunt. I know it. You are. And someone's going to step on you the first day. But, no, that's all right. It's all right to kill ants. We have no lack of ants. No shortage of ants.

I got over it real fast. Yeah, but those ants have mommies. Not anymore. You're an evil little person, Ray, aren't you? I'm not little. No, the aunts, the ants are your department. We solved your mold problem, which I think is the larger of the two problems. Okay.

And I would use whatever you use, whatever that stuff was. Citrus magic. Give the little creatures an organic death. Okay. All right. Rain, good luck. Thank you. And welcome home.

Thanks. It was a great welcome, I'm present. Well, if you survived this, keep in touch. Okay, I will. See you later. Thanks. Bye-bye. Well, it's happened again.

You've squanded another perfectly good hour listening to Car Talk. Our esteemed producer is Doug the Subway Future. of Punkin lips Berman. Our associate producers are Ken the Diper Slayer Rogers, fraught Catherine Fenelosa, and Louis Cronin, the Barbarian. You notice that we keep adding associate producers. That means Berman's doing less and less every week.

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