The Best of Car Talk - #2619: Teens and Cars

Episode Date: March 7, 2026

Linda is a lovely lady from the land of nice; Minnesota. As lovely as she is, however, Linda has to contend with her three teenagers, one of whom wrecked their minivan. Can Click and Clack convince Linda to put away those Midwest manners long enough to extract a confession from one of the little cretins? Find out on this episode of the Best of Car Talk.To manage podcast ad preferences, review the links below:See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Support for NPR and the following message come from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, investing in creative thinkers and problem solvers who help people, communities, and the planet flourish. More information is available at Hewlett.org. Hello and welcome to Car Talk from National Public Radio with us, Click and Clack the Tappet Brothers, and we're broadcasting this week from the Department of Wights and Measures here at Car Talk Plaza. Oh, I didn't know we had such a problem. Well, this is a follow-up to a conversation we had a few months ago. You may remember that our pal Daniel Pinkwater called, and he was discussing, I don't know how to put this delicately, the enormity of his posterior.

That's delicate. And we decided that during that call that the official unit of button measurement should be a pink water. Yeah. So, for instance, Daniel is by definition one pink water, obviously, and I'd say I'm like 0.6. And you're like, what? Point 1. Maybe 0.2. Maybe 0.2 pink water.

Well, this sparks some discussion on the show and on the website as well. And another caller told us that when she was little, her brother used to push her butt against the piano keys and measure her butt by how many octaves she played. Ah, I always liked that one. Yeah. Yeah. There could be an octave and a third, an octave and a half. But now we've received a very serious scientific memo on butt measurement from someone named Carl W. Gable.

Yeah, Kyle Gable. Go for it, man. He works at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. So when it comes to weights and measures, he says, at Los Alamos National Laboratory, we generally use metric units, but every once in a while we need to be quantitative about a buttload of stuff, like a buttload of rocket fuel, a buttload of antimatter. Yeah, of course.

I thought you might like to know that there is actually an exact unit of volume called the butt. Really? T-T, I kid you not. See Webster's Dictionary. I don't use Webster's Dictionary anymore. No. Webster's Dictionary is crazy. Okay.

It's absolutely crazy. I'll get to that later. Here it is. But a measure of liquid capacity equal to 126 gallons or, if you prefer, two hogsheads. Yes. In another dictionary, an English but is two hogsheads of 54 imperial gallons each. are 129.7 U.S. gallons. Ah.

And also, he gives me some conversions. I mean, you never know what units you'll be in. We know what happened to the Mars Voyager thing there. Yes, exactly. Okay. One but equals, in addition to the 126 gallons, 476.961 liters. I believe that.

104.917 U.K. gallons, 13 and a half bushels, 4,32 gills, 21,504 ponies. And a partridge in a pear tree. Look at this. Oh, and a microbutt. Of course you need to know that. A microbutt is 0.0968 teaspoons. I can see this is going to take over recipe books the world over. Yeah, well, it means it takes 100 microbutts.

to make a teaspoon. To make a teaspoon. Wow. Hey, Carl, it's good to know that stuff like this is going on in the government facilities that we pay for. Well, actually, it's good to know that this is the level to which they're doing, you know, which they're doing stuff and not anything any more serious than this.

Yeah, I mean, they could be killing people. Exactly. Which they've already done. So now they're just screwing around. Now they're just having fun. Soaking up the residual radioactivity. In Los Alamos, but I didn't want to alarm anyone. Anyway, if you'd like to talk to us about your car, your butt, your next door neighbor's butt, or a microbutt that you know, the number is 1-888-8-8-8-8-2-5-8-2.

Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi, this is Brian from Belcher Town, M.A. Hi, Brian. How's it going, guys? Well, I think I have actually been to Belcher Town. My recollection is that it's out on Route 2 someplace. Yes, it's right next to the big butt store. It's like out west, right?

It's at Route 202 and Route 9, actually. The corner of those two roots is where I live. Ah. I remember it well. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of good stuff going on. Are there things going on in Belchita Town, really? There's a lot of hiking and recreational activities.

Oh, real exciting. Yeah. A lot of trees grow there, I guess. A ton of trees grow up. Yeah, that's great. Do you guys have problem with trees? No, I don't. I am a tree lover from way back.

Oh, that's good. A lover and a huger. Okay. My brother, on the other hand, has chosen concrete. He likes concrete and pavement. Yeah. Yeah, but see, you can't climb the pavement. You don't have to.

No. Not if you're lying in the gutter. What's up, Brian? Well, the crux of my problem deals with my 1997 F-250 pickup truck. Yeah. And I've got the 7-3-liter turbo diesel in there. Oh, man. It's a big truck.

You ain't kidding. Yeah. Well, here's the trouble. I'm a grad student at UMass, and I was late for a class a couple weeks ago, and this was when we held the snow on the ground, and they do a fair job of plowing out the parking lots, but I was trying to back my truck, which is a decent-sized truck, trying to back it into a space, and there was a car behind me, and there was also this big mound of snow, and I couldn't get the truck backed over this mound of snow without...

you know, taking a running start and risking, running into the car behind me, which would have obviously done a lot of damage to the car. Yeah. So I have realized now that there's no way I'm backing into this parking spot without putting it in a four-wheel drive. Now, it has manual locking hubs, which means I have to get out of the truck.

You're going to get out of the truck. Locked the front hubs. So at this point, I am absolutely livid, and I slam down the parking brake with my foot and reach for the handle, and literally, with butt power, rip the handle right off the door. So now, I'm inside the truck.

truck with no door handle. I have to roll down the window and open the door from the outside. So the question is, is it worth trying to disassemble the door and all this stuff? And, you know, to get a new handle and fix that myself, or should I just keep open the door by the outside? What are you studying? I'm an urban forestry PhD student. Urban for, a tree guy. I'm a tree guy. This is why I was asking me. Yeah, he's a great. Yeah. Well, hire somebody. I mean, you can't deal with metallic objects?

Can you? I mean, do you even own a screwdriver? I actually have a nice of the tools because I have to fix, like, my chainsaw and stuff. I was just going to say, do you have a chainsaw? I do have a chainsaw. I've got a rope. Well, I tell you, I mean, this is not rocket science. Sure, you could do it.

Actually, I think, Brian, that this project may be within your grasp. Okay. Yeah, I mean, the door panel just pops off, you know. You just, like, pull it off, right? Well, yeah, gently, not like you did the handle. Well, I mean, you're going to have to unscrew a few things. There may be some screws that hold the armrest, for example, to the door. Okay.

But the rest of it just pops off. They're a little plastic, what would you call those things? Fasteners. Okay. And as you pop them off, you'll gain courage to pop off the rest of them after you do a few. Okay. And next thing you know, that door panel will be sitting on your lap and you'll be looking at what you have to replace. And it'll be obvious.

I would suggest you go to the Ford dealer and buy. the handle first. Okay, that's, yeah, that's just thinking about it. Then you'll know what you're... You may need a special tool. Is there that little, that little C-clip thing that holds that door panel on? I mean, the handle? Brian, whatever you can't get off, just rip it off.

Yeah, I did that with the door handle. Yeah, you already ripped off the door handle. That's true. Do you have power windows? No. No, that's good. Yeah. The truck is manual everything.

You know, I don't like these people to get pickup trucks and power this and power that. It's supposed to be a rough and tough work truck. That's right. Because all your power is in the two butts of your engine there. That's exactly right. Good luck, Brian. Okay, thank you guys. Good luck, see you.

Bye. Hey, don't go anywhere because we've got a lot more calls. Well, a few anyway. And the puzzler answer coming up right after this. This message comes from Wise, the app for international people using money around the globe. You can send, spend, and receive in up to 40 currencies with only a few simple taps. Be smart. Get Wise.

the Wise app today or visit wise.com. T's and Cs apply. Support for NPR and the following message come from the William and Flora Hewlett Foundation, investing in creative thinkers and problem solvers who help people, communities, and the planet flourish. More information is available at Hewlett.org. Hi, we're back. You're listening to Car Talk with us, Click and Clack to Tappert Brothers, and we're here to talk about cars, car repair, and da, the answer to last week's puzzler. This puzzle was sent to us by a kid who gave us a phony baloney story about being in a hospital bed and how he had to use this puzzle because it wasn't long for this world.

Then he wrote us again four years later and used the same story. Anyway, here's this puzzle. I thought it was pretty good. But I thought it was good the first time. I must have lost it. It just didn't migrate up to the top of the pile. It happens. It happens.

He says, On the hottest day of the summer, my mother was driving her decrepit 88 corolla from New York City to Philly with her significant other. They were going to a wedding, and the bride had asked them to courier or shipment of gourmet frozen sorbetterpieces from a little-known Sorbet Emporium in Queens. Yeah. Most people don't know that Queens is the headquarters of all the Sorbet and port. No kidding. Anyway, at the Emporium, they loaded a crate packed with sorbetestine centerpieces into the backseat of the car.

The merchant warned them that they had three hours before the sorbet started to melt. Sid the Sorbet King. Said the Sorbet King. From Queens. Yeah. Philly is two hours away. So flushed with the urgency of their charge, they set out. All went well until they ran into bumper-to-bumper traffic heading over the 59th Street Bridge.

You knew that was going to happen, right? Of course. Significant others suddenly began showing symptoms of cardiac distress, you know, shortness of breath, dizziness, etc. And mum changed course to New York Hospital. The next thing she knew, a policeman was reviving her. She had lost consciousness and crashed into a guard. but was miraculously uninjured.

She recovered quickly and drove significant other to the hospital. You with me? I'm with you. A full cardiac workup showed no medical problems, so they set off again having lost an hour. Significant other had a few other rough moments as they passed through the Lincoln Tunnel, but he seemed to have recovered on the Jersey Turnpike. The story has a happy ending. They made it to the wedding with moments to spare and without further incident.

The Sorbet was a smashing success. The question is, what happened? And you have all the facts. You don't need to, you think you may have all the facts. You don't have all the facts. You're missing one important piece of information. Yeah, but I do know that the hot summer day had a lot to do with it. Indeed, it did because the sorbet king had packed these little sorbets, these

centerpieces in dry ice. Oh, ah! And dry ice, as you may not know. I do know. I'm a chemical engineer by trade. I was speaking to our audience, to the other person that's listening, is solidified carbon dioxide. How do they do that?

They squeeze it a lot. And as it sublimates from a solid into a gas, it displaced, in this case, the oxygen that was in the car. In the car, because they had the windows up and the air conditioner on probably. Because it was what? A hot day. Indeed. And, of course, significant other began to show symptoms of cardiac arrest because it couldn't breathe.

And, of course... You do have shortness of breath if you're breathing in CO2. And Mumsey crashed into the guardrail for the same reason. Of course, as soon as the policeman came and opened the door, huh?

Oxygen rushed in, and by the time they got significant other to the hospital, he was all right too because he had, what, started breathing again? Yeah. Who's our winner, Tommy?

Wow, that's a great one. By the way, David Horowitz sent that in. Good work, David. David, I hope he's still alive. I'm sure he is. The winner this week is Sarah E. ice ice i c e how appropriate my god how appropriate co2 that's probably why she got ice sarah e ice from stratford connecticut and for having her answers selected at random from all those correct answers that

we got sarah's going to win a twenty five dollar gift certificate to the car talk shameless commerce division with which she can buy well i'd say about twenty five dollars worth of shameless commerce That's it Well, that's pretty succinct Congratulations Anyway, we'll have a new Historic Folklore

Write this down Historic, folkloric Automotive Automotive Mathematical Oh man Puzzler coming up over the next several weeks

Today I don't know Coming up in the third half of today's show So stay tuned for that In the meantime you can call us And ask us any questions you'd like Especially about your car The number is 1-88-car talk. That's 888-227-8-8-25.

Hello, you're on Car Talk. This is Amy calling from sunny, Charlotte, North Carolina. Hi, Amy. Is it sunny? It is sunny. It's beautiful down here. How warm is it? It's going to be maybe 70 or 75 today.

I say this only because I used to live in New York. So I share your pain. So you share our pain. Yeah. Well, the truth is that it's been a practically invisible winter. Well, good. Just a little dusting of snow here and there, just enough to make it look like a Christmas card. Yeah, just three weeks in bed with the flu. You know, nothing extraordinary. Capossa, kid. I have an issue. First of all, I drive what I think is kind of the greatest

car on the road. Diona, guess what kind of car I drive? The greatest car on the road? Yeah. You can do it. North Carolina. You can do it. Yeah, it's a Honda Civic. No, it's a Volvo. A Volvo. A Volvo. Okay. Sure. It's S70 GLT. It's 99. Where I work, I park in a parking deck, and I park on the seventh story. To exit out of my parking deck, you come down a really tight, I call it kind of a cylindrical exit ramp. It looks, you know, like a soda can or something like that. Yeah, right. It's a helix. You're driving down a screw. Exactly. And it's pretty tight. Sometimes I'll put it in a lower gear than drive. That's good. I don't do, that's good. Yeah. You should do that. Oh, good. In fact, you should probably be in the lowest gear that you have. Oh, good. Depending on the

steepness of this ramp. I don't know the degree or the angle, but it's pretty sharp, and I've kind of mastered it. Well, when I go down, every so often when I get to the bottom, I've been, at this point, I've been turning my steering wheel pretty severe for a long time. And sometimes if I kind of, you know, turn it a little, more severe than normal. I'll hear this grinding, cranking sound. And it's kind of like this. And it's really short. And then I'll kind of straighten up my wheel a little tiny bit. But it's such a bad noise. It startles me because I love my car and my car is new. And I don't want to do anything bad to my car. Okay. Here's what's happening. What? You're going down too far around that turn, over and over again.

And now next time you've got to alternate, you go in there five days a week. But you can't go, you always have to go left. I would say Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, you're going to go back down backwards. You put it in reverse. Right.

And that way you'll be turning the wheel the opposite way. Yeah. And you'll be balancing everything, everything will be right with the world and none of these noises will ever occur again. Thanks for calling Amy Cillard. Really, what am I going to do? Really, what am I going to do?

Nothing. I mean, this would happen, even if you weren't going down this little helix, it would happen if you were trying to pull out of a parking space and you turned the wheel all the way left or right. Okay. So I'm just turning it too hard too quickly. Not too quickly, but too far. But you don't have the wheel cranked all the way over.

Yes, she does. No, you don't. Well, but she might be a wacko. She's not a weed. No. She might be a CWJ. No, I do try to go down it in reverse every now and then. Oh, then you're a wacko.

I mean, it will make the noise. I think only when you turn the wheel as far as it'll go. Okay, when I've done that, have I caused damage? No, when you have done that and you've asked the pump to do more than it's designed to do, the belt will slip against the pump pulley. And that's what you're hearing. And you'll hear a little geek, geek, geek, geek. Yeah, that's it.

But that would only happen if you really have turned the wheel all the way to lock. Well, I'm surprised. I didn't think I was turning it all. away, but maybe, you know, I've just done a little too much. Well, if you're not turning it all the way, it might mean that the belt is loose. Okay. I would have someone take a check at it. Okay.

Yeah, although that's unlikely. What kind of a belt, a steering belt? There's only one belt on this car. Okay. The one belt that runs everything. Okay. Got it? I would just try to refrain from turning it all the way to the lock position. Sure.

You should be able to negotiate that spiral without having to do that. Yeah. And try the every other day backwards thing. I'm definitely going to try and tell my fellow parker. that you all suggest. Someone's going to shoot you. See you, Amy. Thanks so much.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Oh, boy. Do we have to get them all the same week? All right. Now, coming up, we have what I consider it to be a magnificent new puzzler. Really? No, I was just trying to get your hopes up. Ha, we're back.

You're listening to Car Talk with us. Click and Collect the Tappert Brothers, and we're here to discuss cars, car repair, and the new puzzler. Advertized as Historic Folk. Loric automotive and something else which I don't remember. And you never heard of false advertising, son? Picture this.

I will. It's 1936. Europe is on the brink of yet another war. In a secret location in Germany, German officers are gathered around the table with the designers and the builders of its new personnel carrier. They're going over every little detail, leaving new. No stone unturned. They want everything to be flawless. Das jeep.

That's jeep. One of the officers stands up and he says, I have a question about the fan belt. You see, this fan belt looks just like the belt of you. We're around your waist. It's a flat piece of rubber. And it's designed to run the fan and the generator. And he asks, how long do you expect this belt to last?

And the engineer says, 30 to 40,000 kilometers, Colonel. He says, not good enough. He said we need it to last 60,000 kilometers. The fellow says, well,

he said, it's a merely simple matter of taking the belt off and turning it over. Because this is a flat belt. It's not a V belt. You turn it inside out and you put it back on. He says, that's unacceptable.

That won't do. He said, we can't. He said, our soldiers will be engaged in battle. We can't ask them to be changing fan belts in the middle of the battle. He's got a point. In the middle of the battlefield. Yeah. So all the engineers huddle together and they come up with a clever design.

What do they come up with? They come up with a way to extend the life of the belt. They come up with a clever way to extend the life of the belt to 60,000 kilometers. Yeah, they make it out of Kevlar. They don't have Kevlar. hadn't been invented yet. Nylon stockings. There you go.

They do not change the material of the belt. That's what I was getting at. Okay. They do not, but they come up with a clever design. They come up with a clever design, and in two minutes, they have a solution to the problem, which satisfies the general.

He wasn't a general at the beginning of the meeting. He was only a colonel. But the meeting lasted so long, but he became a general by the end. Yeah. So if you think you know the answer, write it on the back of a $20 bill, or a very ripe banana and send it to Puzzler Tower,

Car Talk Plaza, Box 3,500, Harvard Square, Cambridge, Our Fair City, Matt 02238. Or, of course, you can email your answer from the Car Talk section ofcars.com. If you'd like to call us, the number is 1-888-8-8-2-278-255. Hello, you're on Car Talk. Hi, this is Linda from Maple Plain, Minnesota. Hi, Linda. Linda, Maple Plain.

Yes. Yeah, Minnesota. Right. And anyway, I have a mystery I'd like you to solve for our family. Okay. And it's involving a... Does it involve cheese? Well, no.

That's Wisconsin. Oh, that's Wisconsin. Oh, that's Wisconsin. Voyager and snow. Yeah, and it's kind of a whodunit. Who done it? You must have teenagers in the house. Yes.

Exactly. Exactly. Well, this is what happened. We had the transmission on this Voyager rebuilt in about November. How old is the thing, by the way? It's 94-95. Something like that. Good enough. We got about 100,000 miles on it. Yeah. So, anyway, it was rebuilt. Then, two months later, in January, I had picked up the van at where my son works. I had taken the bus there, picked it up. I drove it about three miles and heard this big clunk. I thought I maybe had driven over something. All of a sudden I could hear like really loud noises.

And it was the transmission again. So we had it towed to our mechanic. And he called me the next day and he said, did you put this thing in the ditch? And I said, no. And he said, well, that there was all kinds of snow packed over the, axles. Hmm.

And what did that do? What did that do? What did they have to do with the transmission? Well, then they took the transmission out, and the case was broken. Oh. Oh, it sounds very possible. Oh, how old is this teenage son? Well, actually, there are three teenagers.

Oh, you're done for, Linda. But, you know, the thing is, the 17-year-old, the one who had it at, at work. Yeah. I think is the only one who had driven it within the last week. Yeah. But you don't know. The entire junior class could have driven it that day.

Yeah. How old are the other teenagers? Well, one's 19. And he's not living at home. Although this happened on a Thursday and the Friday before, the 17-year-old went to visit him. Oh, man, this is complex. Yeah. But this is very reminiscent of a little story that occurred in our family last, not this past winter, the winter before.

My brother and his wife and my wife and I were out having a quiet little dinner on an evening where it's been snowing just a few flakes. We were having stuffed squid, as I remember at Las Summa in the North Carolina. I remember it well. They were delicious for a while, until the adjutant. Joanne's cell phone rings. And it's their son informing them that he had a little mishap with the car that in the snowfall, the four flakes that were there, he drove over a curbstone. Yeah. And in doing so, did about $6,000 worth of damage to their car.

So a $3,000 car. That was not easy. That was not easy. He had to hit the curbstone twice to do that. He had to back up and do it again. So it's very possible, and I think that the culpability here is with one of these teenagers. Well, wait a minute. I mean, it's not fair. It's not fair.

I mean, you could have done it too, Linda. Somebody drove over a curbstone with this or wrote it into a ditch because you can't crack the case of the transmission. Not easily. Without doing that. Right. And have you confronted said the 17-year-old son? Oh, well, that's the other problem, is that, you know, they all say, no, they didn't do anything. I think you're going to put them in the hole, like they go in prison.

Right? Until one of them rats on the others. Well, I mean, I think, wow. I mean... I don't think they really think they did anything wrong. You believe them and you trust them. Well... I could believe that they don't believe they did anything wrong.

Okay. Because they could easily have driven over a curb. Driven over a curb. Without knowing it. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it's very possible for your sons to have not done any... anything different or unusual. They may always drive over the curb.

But if they drove over a curb, that wouldn't explain the snow over the axle. Oh, sure, it would. Well, I mean, they drove through a big pile of something. And there was a curb underneath it. That's what it was. They drove through a pile of snow and there was a rock or a curb or something hidden by that snow. And they heard a big thud. And then the thing kept moving, so they thought nothing of it and they thought that they had lucked out.

I mean, I was driving it at the time that it actually went out. Yes, so I didn't want to mention that. And you heard a big clunk, as I recall. Yeah, but that was just driving on the road. Yeah, well, you may have done it. You may have hit something. No, the clunk happened because the, and this probably happened in a short sequence of time, because what happened is the fluid drained out through the crack,

and when you heard the clunk, it was the inn innards of the transmission giving up the ghost. Boom. That was it, mostly because it had no fluid in it. Which means that it had to have happened within hours probably of that drive that you took, which means it was son number one, 17-year-old son, who was driving it when it happened. Well, I will tell him what you said then. Well, I think you ought to bill all three of them. All three of the kids should share in this until one of them rats out the other ones.

Tell him, look, it's going to cost $1,500 to do this. Each of you're ponying up $500, unless you rat out the guy that did it. I think Linda's been driving the car, too. I think she's got to kick in her share. Maybe. Well, I would have known. I'm sure you would have one.

To be the experienced, responsible person than you are. Yeah. And you're from Minnesota, so you never lie. Right. But they're from Minnesota, too. But they're teenage. Well, I do remember our motto, my motto, and I don't lie, but my motto when I was a teenager,

I do remember was, deny, deny, deny. Yes. And never lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. Right. Good luck, Linda. And don't tell your parents anything that they really don't need to know. All right. See you. Bye.

Boy, that's a difficult one, you know. 1-888-car talk that's 888-227-8255. It sure is. Wow, that's tough. Boy, I'm glad I don't have any teenagers anymore. Me too. Man, they are nothing but trouble. Hello, you're on Carat Talk.

Hi, this is Stephen calling from Philadelphia. you. Hi, Steve. With a V or a pH? With a V. What's the difference anyway? I don't know. Just an extra letter and using Occam's razor, we should use the least amount of letters.

Exactly. I believe you're right. In which case, we don't need the two E's. That's right. I will revise my name now. Right, it's going to be the Bosnian version. The Bosn. St.VN would do it, right?

Yes, it would. I like it better. So what's up, Steve? Listen, I'm a psychologist here in Philadelphia. And I'm having a psychological problem about cars, and I figured you guys are the ones I should consult rather than my colleagues. Okay, we'll help, we hope. Well, I'm kind of undecided about what kind of car to buy next. Yeah.

But I thought if I gave you the list of all the cars I have owned over the years. We should be able to develop a mosaic of your personality. Use it like a Rorschach test and tell me all about my personality and what I need and look at my hopes, dreams, aspirations, and compromises. I love it. I love it. Give them to us in chronological order of ownership. Okay. These are all purchased brand new. Brand new? I was going to ask that question. Go ahead. Wow. How many are there? Nine.

You have owned nine brand new cars? Yes, I have. You've got more money than brains. That may be. Okay, go for it. Tell us about it. In 1965, Corvair, my first car. Okay. I like that.

1970. Sob 96 with a V4 engine. I like that. 1973, Chevel Laguna. Times were bad. Were you in graduate school at the time? Yes. Ninety-six, I bought a vet.

Oh, man, you have got it. Oh, no, no, it was at Chivette. Oh, Chavette. Still in graduate school. Yeah. 1981 Chevy Impala What a strange combination of things

1983 Pontiac Firebird Ah, midlife crisis 1986 Pontiac 6,000 STE Stephen you are in such trouble

I can't believe it I am You're going to have to come over here and sit out with us on the couch I think so I've got two more but I have my choices narrowed down to three cars that are so different. I'm so confused.

Well, I think we need to know the two most recent cars. The two more recent cars, 1990 Impala, and then a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee. Really? Yes. Jeez. Well, first of all, we have to have a little bit, a few demographics here. Okay. I would say that you are married.

Correct. And I would say that you have at least two children. Correct. How many? Two. Two. And I would say that these children are younger, well, pre-teen and teen. No, they're both.

In their 20s. They're in their 20s. They're in their 20s. 25 and 23 now. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, see, the Corvier and the Saab show a willingness to do wacko things. Right.

And then you come down, and so does the firebird, too, somewhat. It doesn't surprise it that the firebird came right after the Impala. Mm-hmm. And he bought an Impala and a Firebird, when the kids were living in the house, sort of snubbing his nose at the suburban conventions. Yes. Fireburn. Is there a divorce in here?

No, no divorce. Not yet. It's coming. No, no, he's very happy with his wife. That's true. Yeah. Okay. So what are you narrowed?

What nine cars have you narrowed it down to for your new one? Well, three cars for the new one, but I'm not sure. Will I bias you if I tell you what they are, or should you just tell me what I should get? Well, we can try that first. There are three very different cars. They are. I know they are. I can tell. One of the cars in contention is a Mazda or a Z3 or one of the ilk, maybe even a Porsche, because now you made a few bucks.

So it's going to be a sporty car. That's one of them. I'm going to also think that you haven't outdone the SUV thing yet, but you do have a few more bucks and you're going for the Lexx. RX-300, Lexus, or the ML 320 Mercedes. Or the X-5, maybe. Or the ML 320. I'm going for that, too. And the third one, the third one. Wow.

So it's just you and your wife at home now? Correct. Have you gained a lot of weight in the last 20 years? No, but I should tell you, I'm 6'3 and weigh 200 pounds. Oh, you're a big guy. We don't want to make you angry. No. But that, you know, I do have to try cars on for size.

Okay. Yeah. I got it. What is it? Lincoln Navigator. No. You think so? That's Mike, that's Mike.

He is big. Yeah, he is big. That's it. Let's see what your choices are. Well, actually, one of your choices was right on, the BMWX-5. Uh-huh. The other was just the sheer seductiveness of that Jaguar S. Okay, and what's the third?

The third is completely different, but goes back to that conventional sense, and that's the Cadillac DTS with Night Vision, because we get to an age where night vision looks very attractive. Well, you know, it's interesting that you don't keep any car very long. About five years is the longest. Yeah. Yeah, every couple of years for a while there. So you could buy the Cadillac.

Ha ha ha ha. We haven't driven a Cadillac for a few years now, but we have driven the X-5. And the X-5 is very nice, but I don't see you in the X-5. I mean, you've done that. Been there, done that. The S-type is a possibility. Did you drive that, and did you like it?

I did. It drove wonderfully. Then that's what I would go for. Which one? The S-type jag. What are you? 61, Stephen? 55.

It's 55. Yeah, you're too young to buy the caddy. Yeah. That was my concern. I needed another 10 years for that. If you own any white shoes, then you can't buy the cat. Do you have any plaid trousers? No plaid trousers.

I would go for the S-type jag. That's the car for you. Man, I can just see you sitting in it, and boy, you look marvelous. Oh, wonderful. And is your brother in agreement? Yeah, I'm in agreement, too, and that's a good car to keep if you have a five-year horizon. Okay. Enjoy it.

I'll have you call my wife and convince her. Right, that'll be next week. Okay. Good luck, Stephen. No, we'll call her. Bye, bye. Bye. Well, it's happened again.

You've underutilized another perfectly good hour listening to Carat Talk. Oh, underutilized. I like that. Our esteemed producer is Doug the subway fugitive, not a slave to fashion Berman. Our associate producers are frau, Catherine Fenalosa. And Louis Cronin, the barbarian. Our engineer is Dennis the workplace menace Foley. Our senior web lackey is Doug the old gray mayor.

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